Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Ten Tips to 'Keeping the Romance & Sex Alive' in a Long Term Relationship

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

It might get boring, it might become non-existent, but sex in a long term relationship can be rekindled. Here's how to keep the romance going...

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nixalina. Hi guys, it's Nixalina. How are we all doing on this Monday evening? I hope everyone is keeping well and staying happy and healthy. Today's episode is actually a request from one of my Instagram followers. I still have a list, guys. I have not ignored you of all of your submissions to me on podcast ideas. Some of them I have done already. Some of them I couldn't do because of the topic and some of them are in the go. So this one is 10 tips on keeping the romance

and sex alive in a long-term relationship. This was not a request from just one person. It was from many people. It's definitely something I haven't touched upon yet and it's very crucial and key we want to know how do we keep a happy and healthy sex life in a long-term relationship how do you continue to have that spark how do you continue to you know have great sex keep the momentum going it's not easy right we anyone who's in a long-term relationship or has been before we all know facts are facts the honeymoon phase from whence you first met when it was like can't keep your hands off each other having sex here then everywhere living on cloud nine of course the natural progression of a relationship is that that does i'm not gonna

say dwindle but it does die down into a more stable routine and rhythm between the pair of you um that's why it's called the honeymoon phase honeymoons don't last forever do they they're like, you know, a couple of weeks trip, living my high life, then it's back to reality. It's not sustainable. But that doesn't mean that when you become into your routine and you're, you know, a year in, two years, whatever you would like to classify as long term, doesn't mean then that, you know, your sex becomes shit or you haven't had sex in months and that's normal or, you know, it's been a dry spell for like 10 months but whatever you love each other they yes dry spells are quite normal I'm using the word normal here like loosely dry spells happen not to everyone

but to couples it's just life you know life happens that being said it is on people's minds how do we keep the sex and the romance alive? You know, how do we find time to be the way we were with each other? This is especially true once you have kids, you know, work, marriage, whatever. So I have 10 tips for everyone that I think is really going to help. These come from a lot of research, my end, and also personal experience. Currently in a relationship, my last one was four and a half years most of my relationships lasted about two years before that but yeah I think I could be wrong but I think these tips will definitely help so let's go point one communication is key I think to communicate with your partner openly

and honesty, not just about the realm of sex, but anything is key to a happy and healthy relationship. When you are feeling frustrated if the sex has waned, whether it's on you or on your partner, you really do need to open up communication. How and why does this help? Well, firstly, if you sit down together and you say, hey, look, you know, it doesn't have to be an argument. It doesn't have to turn into an altercation, but say, you know, I've noticed that like you don't seem interested in having sex with me as much as before like are you okay is anything on your mind you might not realize your partner's going through something maybe something at work that they don't want to burden you with maybe finances maybe family stuff and

you opening up that channel of communication might help offload they're like fuck me she actually noticed and she gives a shit and wow and yeah actually now you brought it up this this and this and this. Sharing that load might then help relieve them, take some of the stress off and ignite perhaps between you that connection and sexual passion that's missing. But another idea when it comes to communication is that maybe one or him or you don't realize there's a problem, you know and maybe say say you're the one that's not having sex the way you did or as frequently as you used to and your partner hasn't said anything you're like I don't even know and then they sit down one day and they say listen you do realize we haven't had sex for x amount of weeks

or you know I've tried it on with you for the last five times and you've completely pushed me away every time and actually that really hurts my feelings and starts to make me feel quite insecure you might be like wow I did not fucking know that was going on and you might have reasonable like okay well I pushed you away that time because the baby was crying or well you know you wanted sex at 6am and I had 20 minutes to get ready for work and then you can like reason it out together if you bottle the problem because it does become a problem and this is why people are asking me about it the problem of of the loss of sex between you two if you both bottle it up then the problem just grows it just gets bigger and bigger a problem shared is a problem halved

but yeah communication is key it's probably better to do it face to face not through text text can be misconstrued and quite emotionless um but i think being physically together at the time when you have this open discussion always helps. Always please communicate with your partner and I know talking about sex is awkward. Well, not for me. I do it for a living. But yeah, it's weird. It's awkward. It can feel quite shameful, you know, like, hey, I want to have sex more. But this is your partner, right? This is your long-term life partner. So if you can't be open with them, then who can you, you know? Point two, you need to understand and accept life throws curveballs. By curveballs, I mean stressors, COVID, moving away long distance,

work family finance issues babies pets you know like yeah a great curveball is covid who fucking saw this coming it's what i'm literally there like i have lost two years of my fucking life because of this covid that like what what and i remember when it first came out and i this will you know sort itself out in three months bless you next lena of 2020 you dick so yeah you what you've got to understand and accept is this is you know life it's not all rainbows and sunshine and of course we'd all love to have this beautiful happy loving relationship filled with amazing sex and positivity all day every day forever but that isn't realistic and if perhaps your sex life in your head you've idolized from what it was I think you need to

basically take a step back and be like shit it's you know it's life when people say you know like I'm mentally exhausted from work I've got no other time in my head or room for anything else or you know I'm terrified about what's going to happen next or you know they've moved away because something's happened and now you know LDR whatever's going on you've got to understand and accept that and know that it is something that will pass, but also that it is something that you can work through together. So it is temporary, but it's also, you know, unexpected and it's unrealistic for you to believe that you or your partner can, you know, just crack on and carry on as normal. It's not fun to say, hey, well, you know, we've got a baby now and we just got no

time for sex and like, fuck this, we're just tired all the time. It's not fun to say that, but it's also accepting the reality of life. And it's about carving your own way through that period together. Point three, acknowledging that relationships and sex have a natural growth and change. So this is something I talked about in the introduction. But yeah, basically, I want you to understand and accept that it will change. Whether it's them or you, both of you do need to go, okay, yeah, sex will change. Your sexual routine will change. How often you can have sex will change. How often you feel like having sex can change. You know, maybe when you started dating at the beginning, you were like getting drunk together every week, having sex three or four times a night when you were together.

I mean, yeah, of course, that's not going to be something you're able to do when you've got two children or when you're working until 11 o'clock at night. You know, it just is what it is. So I think acknowledging that between you both and for yourself, that relationships and sex with it does have a natural growth and change is really good because then it takes all the fucking pressure off. Right. There's no pressure anymore. You know, like, oh, my God, I just got fucking if you want sex four or five times a week like we used to and I can't and I've got this work deadline and stuff, you know, all that stress will go when you both go. do you know what? I acknowledge that things change. And I'm okay with that. Are you okay with that? Yeah. But I want more. I understand that. Let's meet in the middle. You know, it doesn't have to be an argument. As I said, it can just be a really good discussion where you both acknowledge that things aren't going to always be the way you want them to be or be the way they were at the beginning. Point four, avoid making sex a repeated negative discussion,

especially if one side isn't interested okay what do I mean like this well let me make an example a friend of mine had a boyfriend who just wasn't as interested in sex as she was um yeah you heard right the boy had a lower sex drive than the girl thank you very much and what happened was every time he didn't want sex she felt rejected as most of us do if i'm honest a very normal reaction and then she would be like you know why don't you want to sex me anymore and it became constantly a negative discussion that's what we want to avoid because then what happens is the person on the receiving end just gets pushed away even more you know and they're like i just whatever they they tune out and then sex becomes this big, big, big, big, big thing looming over the relationship.

We don't want that. So how do we avoid making sex a negative discussion? Good question. This goes back to point one, you keep the communication open and honest. And if, say, for instance, fifth time they've rejected you or the other way around, you sit there and you say, you know, quite adultly hey I understand you have your reasons to reject me I understand you're tired I understand works too much however I just want you to know that when I am trying to make a move on you and I get pushed away it does hurt my feelings and I'm not sure you understand how hurtful it is but yeah it does you know it makes me feel insecure I'm well aware you used to want to have sex a lot more with me and I start to wonder whether it's just me um so yeah it does

hurt and I think if you go in that approach to be open and raw when you're when you're vulnerable and raw with someone you generally always get a better response rather than going in on the attack you know um like okay if you don't want to have sex with me fuck you I can have anyone I want which is kind of our you know we're when we're hurt and upset that's our defense mechanism kicking in i don't want to be raw and vulnerable um so fuck you i'm gonna go i can have anyone i want i'll go and download tinder by the way good luck with tinder but yeah don't don't allow sex to always repeatedly become a negative discussion it can of course be here or there the odd argument fine but it can't become something that is always you know a negative experience for both of you

because then it just pushes it away even more and creates a larger void. Point number five, date nights are important as fuck. Date nights, woohoo, date nights. Why are date nights so important? Let me tell you. Because it's how you first met. Usually we meet someone, we go on dates, we have fun. It's so intimate. It's just us two, wherever you're doing, dinner, ice skating, bowling, cinema, going to the park, whatever it is, it's just you two connecting. It's so precious. And when life throws these curveballs and gets in the way, which it does, creating that space for date night is so, so important. I understand especially if you have children or a very demanding job that it's not easy like you

got to get a babysitter you know you've got to find time you're tired you are tired you didn't sleep last night you know baby number two was crying and little ones you know needs this and this and this for school and whatever it is I get it so you know to say date night every week which is what me and my partner do it could be you know completely unable to reach that once a week's too much fine then maybe try date night once every two weeks was that twice a month I think that's fair to ask or if really you can't then date night once a month but something something where it's just you two. You need to keep that connection. And, you know, it's fun. You get to rekindle that time and that moment and you get to create more memories. And if you have kids, it is important

to go off and do you two. You've got to. You're going insane. You've got to keep that connection. I really wholeheartedly believe date nights change a lot if you keep them going in long-term relationships um I remember with my my ex he just wasn't interested at all well in case you've not heard in all my other episodes the dude didn't give a fuck about anything but I would just organize everything for us because I was so hell-bent on keeping those date nights going he just didn't care he did nothing he organized nothing I remember like trying to force him to organize something for our third year anniversary and I was like I've done the first two years it'd be really nice if you did something nah nah nah nothing and what happens is is the person

you know you start on the receiving end of that you just start to feel unwanted and neglected you know and and then you become resentful and you're like now fuck you I'm not doing anything for you how dare you think that's okay to treat me that way I mean just spirals you know again so if you'll both put an effort in you do this date night I'll do the next date night you both come up with something where you can spend it doesn't have to be all night it can be a couple of hours even you know we're just where you connect and I don't mean has to be date night where you you know you're in the sack that's that's a great ending to a date night I mean just going out this will still help your sexual connection just spending those those quiet moments

together. Point number six. If boredom is an issue, you can engage in sex, games, toys, etc, etc. Oh, yeah. Boredom is going to be a thing, isn't it? You are shagging one person for the rest of your life so yeah it yeah it does become an issue you it just is it's horrible isn't it i i it is and to say hey i'm bored of having sex with you and i've had sex with you for eight years and i've had enough of it like that's horrible and that's a horrible thing to think but let's face it shall we because that's what we do in my podcast we face all the things nobody even wants to face boredom of having sex with the same person how do we deal with that okay there's many ways to deal with that but I find like sexting through the day I know that

you know work may get in the way and whatever but building up some kind of like sexual rapport over messages and stuff really does like spice things up because you kind of you know you can't get to each other it builds that kind of sexual tension that then when you are together you just like want to rip each other's clothes off I find that you know entertaining kind of like games together or role play can really you know heighten things you don't have to do this of course these are just my personal suggestions and you know the introduction of sex toys if it's you know if it's boredom and you're like I'm not being satisfied or it's the same shit every week and like just want you to get it over with or whatever you can start to perhaps shop around for some fun

things to play with together even if it's really basic like a blindfold or handcuffs trying to think what's basic because in my world let's not go down that rabbit hole um maybe it's like dice you know let's get some dice you throw a dice if you throw a six then i would take off a piece of clothing or you get to do to me you know what you want to do to me or whatever it is just try and incorporate something that changes the rhythm honestly boredom is a really tricky one because it kind of it will happen I'm not it yeah 98% will happen and it might even just be a temporary phase don't allow the boredom to make you like start searching elsewhere please don't do that that's

your partner deserves way more than that. Instead, use that boredom to think, right, what's my fantasy? You know, if I get on board with this sex, then what would make it not boring? Because I'm the one bored, right? So why, you know, why would I put that on my partner? I'm the one that's got to deal with it. So what would I like? What would I love? And then whatever it is, express that to your partner. Like, hey, have you thought about tying me up? oh you know something and then we'll you know you'll you'll be surprised I reckon at your partner's reaction that's what I'm saying point number seven set aside time in your diary for alone time together this is different to date night how well this is more like okay phones down

on a Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday morning, or Thursday before work, we have a no phones time, we have coffee and an hour together. Okay, you have rushed off to work, understood. Then Thursday, when you get in from work, when we do dinner, we have an hour, no phones, no TV, dinner, right? This is just trying to carve out time together. That's one part of it. The second part I want to say on carving out alone time is sex. So look in your diary and say, hey, Friday, we've got nothing on. Get home, have dinner, put the kids to bed, then it's alone time me and you. No phones, unless that's part of your fun. But if you're tired or boredom or all of this is a problem to the lack of sex, you have to actively carve time in your diary for alone time together

to connect to sexually connect you know it's not it's not just going to happen if neither of you are doing it you know it's not going to your routines aren't going to change work's not going to get any easier the kids aren't going to stop crying so you have to do something out of your routine and say hey every week now we we not you don't have to put pressure on because pressure also ruins sex watch you can't be like every friday night we have sex because then you're like oh, fuck me, really? Like, you know, the problem here is that your sex life is dwindled. So trying to stamp that in is not going to be productive. It's like, hey, every Friday, every Saturday or Sunday afternoons, we are having alone time together. It can be in the house, it can be

wherever, but like, it's our alone time. And if sex happens, then fantastic. If all you're doing to sit and chat in over a wine or coffee in the morning, also fantastic because you're still building on that connection, which is key. Point number eight, if your self-confidence is a problem, you can address your own insecurities head on with yourself. So what I mean by this is maybe you've started to compare yourself to other people on social media or on the internet. maybe your body's changed especially after we know women give birth and you might have insecurities maybe you'd love to before show your tummy off now you don't want to maybe before you would you know when you're dating him you take time to dress up in lingerie and now you consider it a waste of

money when there's so many other important things to spend your money on you know that kind of thing maybe you don't want to be seen with the light on anymore you know if self-confidence has I guess chipped away at how you feel about having sex with your partner then that is definitely something that you need to address you don't have to communicate this if you don't want to if you're comfortable in talking about it and that's fantastic but if not I think it is good for you to sit down with yourself and and deal with this maybe you can talk to someone externally about it maybe you can you know go and buy the lingerie that you consider surf first and just try it on or just go in even to a store and try on this you know make yourself feel sexy again

if you compare yourself to how you were five years ago or ten years ago just remember that everyone grows and changes it's a cycle of life like this is you can't fight that so there's no point comparing yourself to the youthful version of you or you know even if it's like a year ago don't make those comparisons you are who you are now but you know i could go into a whole podcast on this so i'm not going to but if you have really worked out the crux is your self-confidence and that's why you're not wanting sex anymore or you know you're not as adventurous or sex has changed because you don't like to be seen you know naked etc then that is definitely something for you to deal with but you're gonna have to be extremely honest with yourself on this one point number

nine perhaps self-pleasure has taken over and you need to remind yourself of the benefits of to play by this i mean getting yourself off masturbating um i very openly love my vibrator and honestly it is an easier quicker option I can be done in like five minutes and I'm like yep set to go about my day whereas obviously when I have sex it's a whole thing isn't it like oh god I'm gonna get sweaty then my hair's gonna be a mess and you know it's gonna be at least 45 five minutes. It becomes a thing. So what wins when you want to quickly and move on and, you know, you've got shit to do? The vibrator that takes five minutes wins. Or, you know, even if you don't need a vibrator, like lucky you, if you can do it with your fingers and fair play, girl. But

it is kind of sometimes the better option. If that is happening or has happened, where you find yourself completely demotivated with sex because you're really content with self-pleasure and it's kind of like now your preference, you need to push past that boundary and really remind yourself on why and how sex feels so fucking good in the first place. But I think with this one,

you just basically have to drop the masturbation for a bit and just try not to and be like, you know what? I'm not going to have any self-pleasure unless we're having sex and really formulate it that way and bring sex back into your masturbation routine that you're now in. I laugh because it happened to me. And point number 10. Reflect and remember when, why and how you first fell in love. always bring it back to like those beginning things i know it's a honeymoon phase and it changes but you know this is your life partner you love each other so much you fancy each other you know the sex was incredible and remind yourself of that don't take the current situation

especially if you're living through a curveball moment that we spoke about earlier don't take that as this is how it is now, you know? Be like, fuck, do you remember this? This was incredible. Like, I remember loving this, loving this. Just reflect and remind yourself of why you're with your person, why you love your person, and think about the sex of your person and how incredible that sex and that connection together makes you feel. I hope this has helped you guys. please do slide into my dms as always if you want more personal advice on this subject it's not fun and it's quite a tricky one to broach so i hope i have helped on some level and yeah go forth and make love and be happy and that's the end of this episode

thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick selena n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi