Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - The Dominant Meets The Submissive - a BDSM Dive-in

Episode Date: August 2, 2021

What makes a Dominant or a Submissive? What does BDSM even mean? Do you have a contract? Is it harmful or pure pleasure? Allow me to introduce you to the world of such sexual play...

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi guys, welcome to a Monday evening of me, Nick Salina. Thank you for tuning in to the podcast. Once again, love you all for listening. I hope this episode tonight doesn't freak you out, because it shouldn't, but also educates you in a realm of sex that maybe you didn't know existed. This is called The Dominant Meets The Submissive, a BDSM dive-in.

Yes, I am here for this episode. In fact, I'm kind of known for the BDSM style of life and I get so many questions and people asking me about it and I'm very open about it. So I thought, finally, let's do a fucking podcast episode. So let's start at the beginning. What is BDSM? It stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Masochism? I think I said that right.

So basically, it's a style of sex between couple or beyond that, that is focused on a pleasure and pain aspect and a dominance and a submissive aspect. So the BDSM community is huge. There's erotic practices here that goes on beyond anything I would even be able to comprehend. I will probably focus on the dominant and the submissive and the kind of bondage that I know because there's no point me going to Google, researching beyond that, and then relaying information because I want it to be as authentic as I can. So for me, I first met a dominant partner when I was 21. I was super fresh out of uni.

I'd only ever had sex with my then fiancé. That was awful. I have done an episode on the engagement. Please tune in for that story time. But I met this guy in London who very quickly opened my eyes to BDSM. I had no idea what a dominant or a submissive even meant like I was just this young student working in London in a magazine and I just got dumped into this fucking underworld right but the thing is I really really loved it and what happened is I spent two years with this man

and he he became my dom to the point I even had to sign a contract and you're like what a fucking contract what is this what are you talking about so basically with a dominant and submissive relationship sexually the submissive as the word goes, submits their body to the dominant. And I say their body, not her body, because it's not gender specific. Submissives can be male and female. Dominants can be male and female. That's why you have the dominatrix. They're the girls and you have the doms, they're men. So it's completely fluid across genders. So you, as a submissive, you submit your body to the dom. And in that, there can be some instances where the sex could potentially be quite dangerous because the

dominant basically owns the submissive then this is all part of the role play so the contract came on board I think he eventually submitted it to me when I was 22 was a list of sexual activities that I was happy to partake in and not happy to partake in so this is called like my limits soft pass and hard pass so for the sake of this sharing episode I might as well go all in I really fucking hope my mother never listens to this so for this contract and hard passes and soft passes. Basically, there was stuff like asphyxiation, which is choking, strangling, handcuffs, blindfolds, ropes, spanking, whips, chains, nipple clamps. Okay, this is all level. Then there's some really extra stuff, which was my hard pass, like needle play, cage play, feces play, urination, bloodletting, you know.

And I'm not, look, I'm not judging here for people that are in this BDSM community. For me, my personal hard passes were those. So I had this contract. He says to me, like, I'm not going to sleep with you until you sign, because it's not like nothing you say will shock me. But this is for your own good. And also in the contract was a safe word. so the safe word is something you both agree together that has to be really non-sex related like banana oranges I don't know anything pavement house anything you wouldn't normally say during a sexual encounter that safe word is for the dominant to stop what they're doing immediately so for instance say you're being choked and you're struggling for air whatever the dominant has to be has to be aware that this you know that you actually can't breathe by this point

so you either try and say the safe word or if it's the choking thing you love then you come up with a hand sign that you can do that the dominant stops what they're doing immediately so in this contract is a list of items it's a signed piece of paper there's a there's a safe word in there and it's basically an outline of how the dominant and the submissive in the partnership will continue their sexual relationship of course i signed it i was you know by this point ridiculously in love with him i'm not gonna go down this old avenue because i want you guys to buy the fucking book. Hashtag lolly. I still haven't finished it. But this was my my first encounter of being in love with a dominant. How did I know I was a submissive? Okay, this is where

we're going to really start the beginning here. I didn't realize I was until I was. So when he started being a lot more aggressive isn't the right word controlling during sex telling me what to do you know you're putting your legs there you're putting your arms there put your arms above your head spread your legs when he was being very assertive assertive's the right word during sex I got even more turned on and I realized that being the submissive was actually what got me off in the sexual relationship. So it was kind of like a natural fit that I didn't know I even needed, which is odd. I mean, I'd been lightly strangled before by my boyfriend. You know, we've all had that heat of the place sex and, you know, like, I don't know, maybe spits in your mouth or

something and it turns you on. But this was just took it to the next level. And yeah, I fucking loved it. I'm not shy in my opinions on life. And I loved our dominant and submissive BDSM lifestyle. I got fucking addicted to it. What I want to make clear now before I move on from past to present is in this relationship, but no point was it abusive. At no point was anything done that I didn't want or ask for, at no point did that assertive controlling behavior spread beyond the bedroom. And this is what dominant and submissives as a couple and partners and even the community love is that it's actually a very protective, caring, nurturing relationship. And I know that sounds like a complete contradiction in terms, but it is because

the dominant isn't just I you know I rule you I own you you're my sex toy that's not it that's part of it but it's also I will look after you your health is in my best interest your life is in my best interest like it's still a very normal loving couple relationship it just also is something a little bit more when it comes to sex so unfortunately me and the dom back then lolly we split and read the read the fucking book and then I spent my 20s like not in any kind of functional relationship and certainly not with a dom and I was with a guy for four years it was probably my longest relationship today and he just wasn't one right just was not there and I'm not saying the sex was bad or anything it absolutely wasn't I loved the sex you know of course I was

in love with him we had this connection we were in a relationship um but just the dominant side just didn't work I feel like in hindsight he had a lot he had a very strong feminine energy about him um there wasn't really much alpha masculine energy and the doms that I love need this strong alpha dog masculine type presence so yeah I was in a relationship for four years I haven't like practice any like severe dom or sub anything it was just you know a relationship I was gonna say normal but it wasn't healthy it wasn't and so yeah kind of forgot I you know I would talk about my experiences a lot but I didn't really live the lifestyle I kind of forgot what it was like fast forward 2021 and I meet my current partner oh my fucking god oh my god so he

he's gonna probably kill me for this but fuck it my podcast not yours baby he hasn't really delved into any type of this dom and sub lifestyle but I started to notice straight away with him that he was just naturally like that. He's likes to be, you know, in control. He has a job where he's very in control anyway. And he's so loving and nurturing and protective of me, but is also this like, I will put my foot down. And that is what I need. Like I need, I've always said it. I need a man in my life. That's like, shut up. Like you're taking the piss or no, we're not doing that because I'm so bossy. I'm also a dominant woman. And this is something else that I have to really, really talk about and touch base here is as a woman, I am so fucking dominant in my career,

in my life. I'm very opinionated. I'm very headstrong. I am assertive. I am confrontational. I speak out for myself and other people and yet when it comes to my relationship in private all I want is to not be the dumb one I don't want the dominance it's like I need someone else to take some extra stress off me I guess you know and being the submissive is actually quite a relaxing state because I don't have to think about anything he thinks about everything I don't have to worry about anything like he just yeah he fulfills all the part of of my life that I kind of need to make me as happy as I could possibly be even listening to this now I'm trying to like is this sound weird are you keeping up does it sound like I'm fucking weird do you think this

is weird okay so with my my current partner the dominant and the submissive relationship actually also kind of spurs beyond the bedroom which is something I've never experienced before it turns us both on so fucking much and it was almost just happened naturally so he of course as I said wasn't really understanding the world or ever I introduced the dom and the sub thing to him and he's like okay I'm here for that I'll probably do a little bit of research don't really know what like what you're talking about and then we just evolved from there it just was a natural progression and um i don't really want to overspill my current private life we all know i don't like talking about current affairs and myself but basically it's fucking awesome it is the best

the best sex i've ever had i mean yeah it is i know we all say that oh best i mean i had great sex before but this is next level and i think just because of how he is so alpha as a man and how he's so caring. I haven't had a man genuinely care about my well-being the way this guy does. Never, ever. And I am priority number one. Well, no, my cats are. I think he's actually stolen my cats off me. They are definitely more his. He's like, are you and the cats coming over? I just love having cats around. You know, it's so good to have cats and a girlfriend. I'm like why the fuck have you put us in that order bro cats and a girlfriend thanks um but yeah he's just so nurturing so loving I am his priority and he is my dom and we just love it

it's the best relationship we have and people are gonna be like oh my god that's weird but it's not because it's a natural fit for us and because it's erotic pleasure that we both love and we both fulfill the role that the other one needs right and I just I felt like with the dominant and submissive BDSM episode what I really want you to take away from this is it's not it is a sexual fetish but it's also not a fetish it's just like it's just what turns you on like oh I like being turned on by going on top of the guy. I like being turned on doggy style. I like being turned on when he pulls my hair. He likes being turned on when I give him a blowjob or when, you know, I sit on top of him or ride him backwards or whatever it is. That's what turns you on, right?

This is the same. It turns me on to have my hands tied up. It turns me on to be blindfolded. It turns me on to be gagged. It turns me on to have a safe word. It turns me on to, you know, to be told what to do. And like, it's just, it's just, yeah, what sexually gets you going. And luckily, me as a submissive has found my dominant, which I didn't think was going to happen. And like I said, it was like a 21, 22 year relationship when I was that young. And I never I just thought that was with him. You know, like that's specific to us. I didn't realize I could have that. But like a hundred thousand times better with someone that I'm actually like properly in love with and vice versa. Because with my 21 year old dominant guy, Lolly, he wasn't he was in love with me, but not really.

It wasn't actually a relationship. it certainly wasn't a fruitful relationship it wasn't safe for me in that I wasn't like secure or stable it was you know I didn't know whether he would have other women I didn't know whether I was actually his girlfriend so it was all a little bit up in the air whereas this one is like I'm gonna marry you kind of stable like I will marry you and we're very normal a normal inverted commas because you know hashtag normal what is normal but this is just what we love have we signed a contract I know that's what you're probably thinking like bitch please how bad is this going how good is this going yes we do we have a contract and no I'm not going to

share what's in it but I want I just want to be very open about stuff like this because I want people to feel that they can be sexually expressive. And I want you to know that you can be turned on, you know, by stuff that like perhaps is a little bit taboo. And when I say this, there's always a disclosure. You can't be like turned on what's taboo. Taboo stuff goes into like morally, ethically and like legally wrong. Okay. I'm not saying that's okay. I'm talking about mutually consenting sexual experiences where perhaps you like being spanked. Perhaps he likes spanking you. Perhaps he wants you to call around on all fours and put a collar and a lead on. You know, perhaps he wants to tie you to a bed restraint. Perhaps he wants to put you in a

hog tie. You know, there's all this stuff. And it's okay. Like, don't be shameful if that's what you both want together I want people to feel that they can you know be sexually expressive and open about sex and enjoy it and not be shamed about it I am not fucking shamed about being a submissive it is fucking amazing and me and my boyfriend just get closer and closer and closer and closer together like the sex is unbelievable because we're both so turned on now because we're dialed to what really gets us going you know so it's just like a fucking electric rather than just like standard sex that doesn't that doesn't do it for us you know but it's like the normal sex so if you're thinking about trying out some dom sub bdsm stuff together i would say do google first

So Google what the terms mean for you to understand it. I'm aware you're listening to me now, but I do want you to do more research. Understand what it means to be one of the roles. What does a dominant mean? You know, what does being a submissive mean? I also want you to look at consent. Consent is probably the most important part of this relationship dynamic because you have to both give consent. you have to have boundaries hence why usually there's a contract involved you both have to be

very honest you know like i want to try this no i don't want to hard pass limit done and okay fair you can't have one like well no i want to try i want to push that you have to be very respectful to each other on what you would like to try so be honest with your desires and your boundaries be very clear on consent and have a safe word and a safe hand signal if you can't speak at the time understand that this is not about being exposed uncomfortable it's not about being degraded it's not about being used or abused it's not about pain as such this is purely about pleasure and happiness and a mutual respect and love and I know you'll be like what I don't understand because you're talking about like you know all this shit but then you're saying it's like

mutual play yeah trust me it's fucking fantastic amongst your research I also want you to look at sex toys and only start at the beginning so for me back when I was 21 I would he wanted to buy everything. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. So I was happy with a ball gag, a blindfold, a bed restraint that went under the mattress and a collar and a lead. And I think I said no to everything else. Like even to this day, like never put nipple clamps on, never used a butt plug, never been put in any kind of like mask or cage I've never been like suspended from ropes like nothing I mean I'm still pretty soft when it comes in the BDSM world but I gave like what I'm okay with this is what I'm okay with done so if all you want to do

is perhaps venture with a blindfold and some handcuffs right the handcuffs of course are easy open as well like you can have a key or you can get the ones that you can catch off if you know you're really concerned or you can just get some some light ropes and you know what guys you don't even have to buy sex toys if you're like oh god like it's fucking expensive you can just get a couple of ties you know or or a belt from a dress or a dressing gown soft belt and start playing with tying hands up and stuff it really is all up to you and what you're comfortable with when it comes to the toys introducing the toys into the bedroom do your research start the beginning and then work your way up so you you know like spanking um it hurts yeah it hurts in

fact I've been spanked before and it left such a mark and I just like immediately cried because like the shock of being spanked that hard and there's like fingerprints I just cried and I was like this isn't okay this was years ago from some rando I was like this isn't okay like no you don't fucking get what you're doing so yeah you have to you can't just be like being pain and put up with it or anything and you have to really understand what you're doing and you have to be I'd say yeah work your way up to this kind of stuff so definitely do your research look at sex toys start at the beginning do your research with dom and sub understand what it means start at the beginning do it very slowly work your way up you know don't just dive right into the hard bit

because it's it might not be for everyone and that's the other thing i want to kind of point out as i finish this episode it's okay to try it and not like it if you're like oh okay yeah choke me and he chokes you and you freak out that's okay it's okay no don't never doing that not for me don't think like because you said you might give it a go or you brought it up yourself that you have to continue if it's uncomfortable if it's not turning you on I mean the whole point is to turn you on if it's turning you off or making you upset nah leave it that done sorry don't like it. You know, skip on out of there and say like, we tried it, wasn't for me. And that's fine. This is where your boundaries come into play. And boundaries aren't just sexually like

it costs your whole life. Boundaries are extremely important. So yeah, I hope this has helped. This is a very like intro guide into the beginning of a dom meeting a submissive into BDSM. If you want a further episode where I go in harder. Yeah, message me. Message me after you've listened to this. If you want another episode, I will do it for you, but only for you, okay? Because for me, it will be some serious tea spilling and I don't know if you guys are ready for it. And on that evil laugh, I'm out. Take care, everyone. Thanks for listening. Thanks for listening to the Sex and Singapore City podcast. This episode was produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina,

and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sexandsingaporecity.com that's sexandsingaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search

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