Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - The First Time I Understood What Real Love is

Episode Date: June 21, 2021

What a tough question! Let's dive into the big L word shall we...

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hey guys, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to another episode of Sex and Singapore City. Thank you all for tuning in. Love you all as always. All the support online, etc, etc. You guys rock my world. Today's episode is a request from my listeners and I do love doing these requests. You guys really, really rock at throwing me amazing ideas. This one is the first time I understood the true meaning of what real love is. Wow. So basically, you want me to depict to you

the first time I really got love, true love, real love. And when I finally understood it, that's tough, guys. And I'm assuming you want me to depict this so that you can reflect perhaps on your own experiences and slash give you hope for finding true love. Now, the tricky part of this, and I'm going to kick it off deep, is that I believed with every relationship at the beginning I had found true love. Every one. And I had, let me recount, one, two, three, four major relationships. Four major relationships before my current one. So I had one and a half years, one and a half years, two years, four years. Fuck, I'm old. Shit. And every one of these relationships I believed was true love. I'm a

huge hopeless romantic. And yeah, I fell hit line and sinker at the very beginning, ignored lots of red flags, put up with a lot of abuse, both mental and physical. I loved with my whole heart from day one. I misinterpreted bad and negative patterns as lust, infatuation, as craving love when it wasn't really love I was craving. It was genuine affection. Yeah. Sadly, you only really understand or realize it wasn't true love when you leave and even when you leave when something goes so badly that it ends even then you kind of still think oh it's true love because you're in so much pain because heartbreak is so painful now I don't know if you know about my girls Marissa and

Hanley Hofer they have their own podcast here in Singapore called Just So We're Clear and I did an episode with them recently on recovering from a heartbreak. So go and listen to that because it's traumatic and it's really painful. Even during that heartbreak period, you still believe it was true love because you're in so much pain and I was in agony. And every heartbreak I've had has been such a low point in my life. I've never ever had a good breakup because I love so hard and it hits me like a truck and because I'm in so much pain I think well it must be true love it must be because why would

it hurt this much but the question you're asking me is when is the first time I understood the true meaning of what real love is and I have to be honest it's when I met my partner this year and I'm aware of what I've just said where I always believe it's true love and I understand that I'm now saying I think this is it could be another repeat cycle and I completely get that My eyes are always wide open, but I don't believe on any level that it is because this time round, for the first time in my life, at the age of 34, I trust my partner. I trust him completely. I trust him with my cats.

I trust him with other women. I trust him with my heart. I trust him looking after the house, the home. I trust him with finances. I trust him out with his mates. I do not fear on any level that this man will cause me harm on purpose. And actually, every guy before him has actively found ways to cause me harm or done things to self-serve themselves first which will always inevitably have caused me damage but they don't really care about the repercussions also with my current partner is the first time i've ever felt safe really really safe and secure in my relationship and my home space. So I feel relaxed. I feel calm. I feel just so like that. It's the best

way, like super chilled. I've never, ever experienced that before. I have experienced anxiety, worry, anger, frustration, panic. I've always been concerned where they are, what they're up to. Are they cheating? I have cried myself to sleep at such horrible things that have been said. I have watched them stalk women on social media. And even when I call them out on it, they tell me it's my fault. I felt so insecure about how I look and my body and what I do and what I say because they're always waiting to pick at me or they're comparing me to other women. And I have never met a man that makes me feel just so safe and so loved in who I am to the point where I'm still delivering a lot of repercussions from my past. So we'll

get like drunk on champagne because it's like our thing now right like at least once a week we have champagne night at his and I'll panic the next morning that I was a drunk mess you know and every time every morning he's like baby you are fine and this is the problem with this is because my ex convinced me that I had an issue with alcohol that I got very violent and horrible with alcohol and and kind of always switched it so that I was the root cause to every problem with my current partner every time I panic and ask him he's like sweetheart you just got sexier and funnier like you're fucking hilarious chill and wait he doesn't even mind me asking these things because he understands it's like part of my process but yeah I've I don't have any panic

anymore. I don't have any worry. I don't second guess myself. And I've just never felt so loved for who I am. And that's all the bad bits as well. And that's the thing I think about like the true meaning of real love. It's not that you have to be a perfect person. Yes, we should do all our own healing. We should heal all of our old wounds. But for yourself, you want to be the most complete person, don't you? Like for yourself, not I want to heal my old wounds and heal and become complete so I find a man. That's not the right angle. It should be just for your own sanity and your own person and your own growth and your own future. And usually once that gets done, you then find your perfect person. For me, the first time I understood the true meaning of

of real love was with this guy when I realized I could count on him on every step of the way every every possibility every scenario that would come up where I'd usually freak out he will calm me down he will let me say whatever I wish with and will listen without judgment he I managed to tell him lots of really dark things about myself and my past and I did it so freely. And I trusted that it would never go anywhere else. He wouldn't, you know, talk about it with anyone else. He wouldn't judge me for it. He's just very much like, I love you exactly as you are. Just exactly it. And I've never had that before. Ever. And he makes me feel so, so fucking sexy. As a woman, I'm like, I've never felt happier and sexier and more attractive

because he tells me every fucking day. And I am aware that we're probably still in the honeymoon phase. But just to be around him is such a difference and a contrast to every other man I've been with. He's just so unique. And he is a healthy man, a mentally healthy man. And he wants to find a woman to love to respect he's loyal he's you know like calming it's just yeah it's extremely different I mean you're asking me to define something here so difficult to define so what I'm doing is going on my own past understanding but when I let's put it this way all those butterflies and all those anxiety flips and feeling sick to the stomach that we get when we meet someone and we think there's a connection or when we're in our relationship and we get

butterflies and we see them but like it's palpitations maybe or that for me was an indicator that I was with like the one because I was being physically triggered I was like out of breath and you know like my tummy was going and you know like I couldn't you know focus or anything and I yeah I don't think that is anymore an indicator that you've met the one I believe when you meet when you meet the one and you find real true love it's so calming there is none of this it's not that you don't get butterflies because of course like when I see him I still like but it's more a state of calm your body goes into deep relaxation mode and he even said that to me actually he was like I think one of the reasons you caught tonsillitis in the first month was

because you your body finally like let go and I had been like living in this like edge of anxiety mode for so long or worrying and investigating and searching and watching my back and waiting for the next text or the next tweet or the next DM about some other girl or waiting for photos to surface or waiting for someone. It was just constantly on edge. I think he's right. I think when I met him, everything got so still and so calm that my body just was like, shut down. really genuinely I do believe that's what happened and of course even when I had tonsillitis of course he was all over me and was like fuck it I have the immune system of an ox okay bro but if you get it don't fucking come crying to me but yeah it just even that he

supported me through it he would just turn up with stuff for me that I didn't even ask for like just I've never felt more safe and secure and calm and I just keep saying the word calm on repeat because it's a fucking game changer. And I think that is what real love is, is a state of pure bliss in your mental and physical capacity when you're around that person. Those butterflies do exist, don't get me wrong, but it's not like it doesn't come with that little worry and sickness you know all that like tummy worry or that like tight chest worry it's not that like physical reaction I believe most of us equate to real love and actually haven't had that my whole life and not having that now with him I don't think that is actually right I don't think

I think real love is the opposite and I understand the idea now of feeling safe of being trusted and trusting of not needing to check up on where he is or what he's doing and being so protected as well like he's so protective over me but not in a possessive way in like a, I never want you hurt or upset. The only time I'm ever going to get upset is when you're upset. I've like never had this before. Real love is definitely just so reliable. I wake up every day. I don't worry whether I'm going to hear from him or not. I don't worry that he might ghost me. I don't worry that he might be with another woman. I don't worry like nothing, Nothing's a worry anymore. He just, yeah, makes my life so much happier, safe, secure, loving, affectionate. I feel so happy. I feel so sexy. I feel so confident. I feel so much like prouder and happier in myself as well.

um and that's because of how he loves me i guess and me feeling the love and the way i love him yeah i guess that's all i can say really on this topic but that everything i just spoke about is probably the first time i really understood the true meaning of what real love is and it's a safe calm trusting secure space every day for you at your home at work whether you're on holiday away it is a safe calm space where you are mentally and physically at peace and that's the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to

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