Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - The No-Contact Rule After a Breakup

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Take my advice. Do what I couldn't do. And go no f*cking contact as soon as you possibly can. It's THE only rule I suggest you abide by.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City Podcast and I am Nixalina. Hey everyone, it's me, hi, Nixalina here. Welcome back to another episode of my podcast. Thanks for tuning in. Hoping you're enjoying the content as always. This episode is very, very important for those going through a breakup and or having to disconnect

from a toxic relationship. It is called the no contact rule after a breakup. Okay. So the no contact rule is extremely significant to relationships that were toxic of all forms and you are entering the breakup and or the breakup was just happened. The no contact rule is also really important for normal breakups, for healthy breakups. The no contact rule is also extremely important if you are just taking a break from a relationship. Basically, the no contact rule is important and should be implemented at every opportunity when your relationship is

having time out and or ended. So what is the no contact rule? It basically means no sulking on social media, no texts, no calls, no emails, no sending photos, uh no reaching out to family no hanging out with friends no discussing the that person with their friends no finding out from mutual friends what they're up to no contact means no fucking contact right none that sounds impossible doesn't it yeah it is it's it's nigh on impossible so what happened let me talk you through my no contact what happens is as you go through the breakup and you want to know why, especially if it's toxic or you've been betrayed. Why? Why? Why has this happened?

Why are you doing this to me? And you're angry and you're crying and you're screaming and you're devastated and why don't you love me and why is this happening? And your world's been torn apart. Most of the time, those conversations don't end anywhere productive. A lot of the times in that heat of emotion, albeit a high of sadness or a high of anger, we end up saying things we don't mean. You can often come off looking irrational or illogical.

And if you are dealing with a toxic person, those conversations won't touch the surface with this person, right? so what you need to understand is whatever you feel voicing it to the person in question is futile okay there is an exception and i'll come back to that um it's futile what the best thing to do is to voice all that in a journal oh yeah i know journal in a therapist in your friends, in your support group, in your family, but don't voice it to that person. You go no contact. The only time it's not futile is if you are in a healthy relationship, right, which apparently is out there. You're in a healthy relationship and you guys are just like, perhaps you're trying to

work out, you know, what your deal breakers are, or there's a job abroad, or you're trying to figure out what the next big move is if you are able to go on the break and have healthy discussions then yes that's a positive move but I would still say even before you get to the healthy discussions you go no contact for at least a month the the general rule is like 30 to 60 days it's not like two weeks at least minimum a month because even in the healthy relationship break up or just a break you still need that time of absolute no contact to start putting into place your own thoughts you need to take a step back from like the emotional side and then objectively look at the situation okay I love this person what qualities do they have that I love is this

where I see my future? Am I, you know, feeling absolutely gutted that they're gone? Do I think that perhaps these things could be resolved? You need that space and time apart and no contact to be able to come to a solution together. If it's a toxic relationship and it actually is a breakup, say you were lied to or you were cheated on, they're like the main betrayal go-tos, right? then the no contact rule is absolutely necessary to implement as soon as you possibly can situations like mine i couldn't implement no contact because i was still living in the penthouse so um i was still having emails for months and months and months email communications but i did block him off my phone he blocked me um he didn't have any social media anyway thank god um but if

he did, I would have blocked that. And I pushed as hard as I could for myself to remain no contact. And what I realized is I broke it loads, right? I mean, let's, we're all human. Let's be honest. It's so fucking difficult. You know, especially if your whole world is just suddenly fall apart and it wasn't planned. But every time you break no contact, you go, right, the next morning, going to get back on that horse you just keep trying a bit like quitting smoking okay I fucked up yesterday I had a cigarette no I'm not I'm doing it from now you keep going until you get it right and what happens when you really do go no contact and I can tell you from absolute personal experience you start to heal faster than you ever imagined it's like all the while you're going what

even if you're reaching out going, why have you done this? Why have you fucking done this to me? How could you do this? You're a piece of shit. How could you fucking lie so much? You do whatever. You're still throwing energy at that person. That person is still in your life. And that person is still negatively affecting you. You are energetically connecting yourself still to the person that caused the pain in the first place. And it's madness to think you can heal in the same place you got sick. I'm going to say that again. It's madness to think you can heal in the same place you got sick. It's impossible. When you implement the no contact, and if you're dealing with sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists, toxic people, pathological liars, if you're dealing with

all these wonderful types of humans, they are probably going to be on your balls trying to keep the connection. They don't like losing things and you're a thing they lost and they don't like letting people go. They don't like being exposed for the horrible person they are. They don't like people finding out about how awful they are on the inside and they don't like losing. These people are going to take your no contact as like a personal attack and they will try and hoover you back in. They will try and suck you back in. If you give them the space to communicate, they're so clever with their words that you will trip and fall and you'll believe them and you'll suddenly be back in the relationship and then they're back to treating you like crap again.

no contact protects your own boundary protects your energy it also gives you the silence and the peace to sit with your own thoughts now don't get me wrong it's so painful to do it at the beginning you think you're gonna die on you think i can't get through the next day i can't go i can't do this i can't get through the next day i can't get through the next day You feel extremely isolated. You feel alone. You feel abandoned. You feel like all the feels, all the negative, horrible feels. If you can just stick your heels in and grip on and remain strong with going no contact, you'll soon see that slowly that will change. And then suddenly you're healing way faster than you would have ever thought possible. You know, like if someone

said to you while you're happy in the relationship, you'll be over this. This is going to end and you'll be over in a few months. You'll be like, oh God, no, no, no. This will kill me. He's my everything. She's my everything. There's no way. I'll die if this doesn't work out. You know, you're very dramatic and in love and full of the feels. And then you'll just, you start to realize actually like you're okay. It's okay. And then with the no contact, what happens is you start to realize your own worth and you devalue them in your mind because you've probably put them on a pedestal and you've been smashed back down to earth with the reality of who they are and the things they've done to you and the reasons why this breakup has happened in the first place

and then you're like right now I can see you clearly because you've had the time and space and silence you must disconnect the no contact rule after a breakup is the one thing I am like 110% about it's the thing to do. And I don't usually work in absolutes, but 110% no contact. And like I said, even if it's a healthy breakup, even if it's like a break, you got to go no contact. We have to learn to regulate our own emotions. We have to learn to regulate our own self-esteem. We have to learn to exist on our own. You put all your happiness into someone else. You put them as the purveyor of your own needs and wants and what gets you through the day. You're fucked.

You're not self-regulating. You're not able to be standalone. You've made yourself whole only if you're with someone else. That's extremely dangerous. And I get it. We all do it, especially empaths. It's empaths with no boundaries. Hi, come at me.

um we're we're like got narcissistic dynamite for that kind of level of just selfless give but no contact after the breakup that will help you heal yourself and become whole by yourself what it also does it's like a win-win it gives that person the fucking taste of their own medicine they deserve the abandonment you know all narcissists are have a deep fear of abandonment of being exposed it's called their full self their fakeness and they're terrified that they'll be found out and their fake mask will slip and everyone will know who they really are because who they really are it's vile it's like dorian gray if you don't know that fable is it a fable it's a story right um it's actually into a movie a great movie with ben barnes who's stunning

i digress please google dorian gray but that's basically how what happens the narcissist beautiful charismatic stunning suddenly something happens you've decided to leave or they've discarded you either way and the full self has slipped and you you see the real person even if it's just non-narcissist and it's a toxic person or if it's someone you love and they cheated or whatever that you know you think oh that's a healthy person but they've fucked up whatever it does the no contact gives them a kind of taste of what they deserve do you know why because they've lost you and you've got to put such a value on yourself that you've got to understand that when you withdraw yourself that's punishment enough you don't need revenge you don't

need justice you don't need karma to get them their karma is that they've lost you and that's what no contact gives not only does it help you move forwards quicker than whatever you imagined and we do not want to sit and break up we don't want to sit in that for like that's awful breakup and heartbreak and the emotions we all want to heal from that as fast as we possibly can no contact is how you get there as fast as you possibly can but also in giving yourself that moment and space you're serving them the justice that they do deserve which is you're gone so they finally they get to sit in their own thoughts and feelings and if they did cheat on you they get to sit and think about that. If they move on in lightning speeds, which I know is something

we all fear, right? Oh, if I don't contact them, then they'll forget about me and they'll immediately find someone else. Yeah. And what kind of person does that make them? Okay, let them go. Because all you've done is seen the reality. You can't love someone the way they pretended to love you all the way they said they loved you and you might you know but say nix they did love me but you can't do that and then immediately fall in love with someone else within a week after that's like that love yours or the new love it's not it's not real is it it's fake so i know that's that fear if i go no contact what if this and this and this and this but you're you've broken up right you've broken up for a reason something's happened something's happened that's why you've broken up

that's why you've got to go no contact if they do move on that's a risk you take and honestly i'd say it's probably in your favor because i'm assuming you broke up because the relationship wasn't working if it's a healthy relationship you go no contact and they're exploring other options i do understand that's very painful it might be what's needed to happen for you two to eventually come back together. But it also might be like, okay, well, we realized actually we both want to move on separately and you just give each other the blessings that you both deserve. And you can even remain friends, you know. But any option, any option on any breakup or break whatever, go no contact. Minimum a month at least. If you have kids together or equity or, you know,

ties, you go low contact or you grey rock. Grey rock is just you remove all emotion. Everything is just very short, sharp, sweet. You know, you talk about the kids only. You email only about the rent, only about the house, that kind of thing. When are you going to pick the dogs up or hand them over? Go low contact. Trust me on this. Please trust me on this. If you trust me on anything, for five seasons of talking to you guys, no contact rule after a breakup. It's going to help you in ways you can't imagine. And looking at my situation this year, all I can say to you all is I wish I did no contact from day one of finding out what it was like I that's all I wish for myself because the place I'm in now I would never ever go back to any of it and I'm so proud of who

I am now but I did push contact and scream and shout and I did all that for months with him to no avail was pointless. And I got no answers. I got no truths. If anything, it all got worse. I got no closure. I got no responsibility or acceptance on his end of what is nothing. It was all fucking futile and a waste of my emotions. So yeah, that's my regret. I didn't go no contact immediately. So I would like to share this with you all so you don't make that mistake you go no contact you do it for at least a month and you uh you realize I'm right and you thank me later and that is the end of this episode I look forward to seeing you all next week as always if you need me slide into my dms on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-m-a

thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A, to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.