Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - To Ghost or be Ghosted: When, Why & is it Ever Okay???

Episode Date: May 24, 2021

Do you even really know the damage caused and long lasting effects that ghosting leaves on the other person?  

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hello, it is me, Nick Salina. Do we all like that? That cheer up your Monday evening? Welcome back to another episode of my podcast. Thank you all for joining me again. Hope you're all well. Hope you had lots of fun at the weekend, did things you might regret, drank

too much, ate too much, and now ready for the working week. Today's episode is to ghost or be ghosted? When, why, and is it ever okay? Well, fuck me sideways. Ghosting is awful. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, ghosting is a term for when you are dating someone or even in a relationship and suddenly they just disappear. Like they go ghost on you. One minute it's text, text, text, text, text. The next, like they fell off the face of the earth. It happens a lot in dating, but actually also happens in relationships, believe it or not, as well. You can, you know, be saying to someone, I love you. They're saying, I love you. And then boom. Nothing. Silence. They might even block you off everything. They might leave you on

a blue tick, hanging on a blue tick on WhatsApp forever. Or you might just wake up one day and you've been ceremoniously unfollowed on Instagram, removed off Facebook, your WhatsApp's been blocked, ghosted. Let me just tell you now, ladies and gentlemen, ghosting is fucking cruel, okay? I don't think anyone really realises the impact on the other person when they ghost them. It is, the silence is so deafening that what happens is the person who's been ghosted will internalize everything and ruminate on everything that they did or said before the ghosting occurred. So you've been dating someone for a few months. Suddenly they disappear. Then you're like, well, fuck. Oh, my God, is it me? What did I do? What did I say? Then you'll go

back on all the text messages in your phone. Look at all the conversations you had before they ghosted you. Perhaps think about, you know, last time we had sex. Then you'll start thinking about it with physically maybe they stopped fancying me um maybe they were just using me for sex or maybe they found someone else prettier or you know like maybe that's why they took me off their instagram because they started following someone else and now they fancy her you internalize it so deeply and then you end up overthinking it because you haven't had closure and this is the crux of why ghosts in so fucking cruel because you are denying someone closure that they deserve on a basic human level but also you're encouraging that person to really delve into the darkest

nastiest parts of themselves their anxiety their insecurities their vulnerabilities you are encouraging all of that to keep manifesting and grow and who wants to do that to someone like okay so first date there's a when it comes to ghosting so I've been on a couple of um first dates in the last six months where had a lovely night I knew pretty instantly I wasn't vibing um and then I would text them after like thank you for a lovely evening thank you for buying my drinks thank you for taking me out whatever then that's it in these incidences with these guys I they didn't we both exchanged that like thanks lovely night they didn't reach out to me the next day or the next day the next day and I didn't reach out to them the next day

so basically we just didn't talk after that that's not ghosting because that's one day you've both decided okay you know I'm not here for this and then you just go okay love you had a lovely night bye done that isn't ghosting because you are allowed to go on a date with someone especially like a blind date or a date off a dating app and think actually I'm all right so rather than carrying on texting them giving any kind of false hope it's actually better to be like okay bye thank you that's that's probably the more grown-up way to do it and especially if you both mutually do it then there's no problem you're like you know I I didn't feel on any level that I ghosted these guys because it was not like they were texting me repeatedly and I just

weren't responding if if I was going to be ghosting them I wouldn't even be ghost as soon as they started whatsapping me say the next day I was already mentally prepared to be like just so you know had a great night last night but honestly I don't think we're a match or along those lines I wouldn't carry on texting for no reason because I want to be polite or I'm too much of a coward to be respectful enough to just say how I feel I wouldn't carry on texting just in case I want to park them you know for fun in case I'm bored one night and fancy a dinner I wouldn't do any of that and I certainly wouldn't let them text me text me text me text me and just not respond anymore because that is ghosting when you do that I feel like ghosting occurs when the person

and you can call me out on this if you think I'm wrong the person is too much of a coward to address the situation then you ghost because if you're ghosting someone the the idea in the term of it means that you actually had a connection because like I said I didn't ghost these guys we had one day it was a blind date we went on a date we didn't really like each other two hours chat chat drinks, drinks, done. That's not me ghosting them. That's just two people going, okay, well, we had a good time. Bye. The ghosting occurs when you've actually had something, lots of texts, or, you know, social media stuff, or you've been on a few dates, or you've had sex. In some situations, like I said, it can be months relationships, you can even drop the I love you's.

And then you ghost. That's only occurring because you haven't got the bollocks to actually sit down with that person and be fucking honest. And don't get me wrong. I understand these conversations are fucking hard and they're awkward and they're horrible. If you go in, well, I've been selling this woman or this guy for four months that, you know, like I really love him and or her and I've been fucking him and her and now I don't feel it. Awkward. Yeah, I get that. how would you even say that how would you sit someone down and say I kind of said I love you a little bit too rushed there I don't and I'm sorry how would you sit someone down and say look I kind of pretended I had feelings because I was enjoying the company and enjoying the sex but I

kind of don't have feelings I feel like it's got a little bit too much now um I gotta go how do you even say that. It shouldn't even be how. It should be like when and why. You have to say it. You have to have those conversations. You need to have them in person or text message if you really can't fucking bring yourself. But you have to have those conversations. You don't ghost. To ghost someone is a cowardly act to be ghosted is pretty fucking devastating it really is because we humans are automatically seeking connections with each other that's just how we're wired anyway you're building up this rapport and then it's like someone's pulled the rug underneath you you know and it's it is cruel I know I keep saying that but I'm so fed up of hearing about these I mean obviously

my situ hearing about these guys doing it to my girlfriends like I had a girlfriend recently and she was like you know we we had these dates not only did we have these dates he asked me back to his you know like we kind of like made out a little bit and then never heard from him again and when when they were leaving the last time she saw him I believe he was like yeah no like looking forward to seeing you again so that is that's the bit that pisses me off um because it's like what if you didn't lead them on then there's no problem with the ghosting it's like I'm not gonna lead you on so okay bye but it's it's that like my it's having dangling a carrot and then just cutting off that's what makes the other person internalize it all feel really sick about

themselves and I just don't know if we're all aware of how much of the damage ghosting causes I really really don't I feel like if we knew what it did to the other person we would go fuck this like I've just got a man up and have this bloody conversation I'm not saying you've got to take him out for coffee and hold their hand and sit across the table in a public place and say, listen, I only used you for sex for three months and now I found someone else who is, I think, better looking than you. So I'm going to let you go now.

You'll never hear from me again. Goodbye. I don't think you should do that. What I'm saying is you should be like, honestly, I've loved our time together, but I don't see it long term. Anything but ghosting. You don't need to be brutally honest,

but you need to give that person fucking closure that's my my issue because you force that person whenever someone ghosts us we don't then go oh okay well it's their issues i'm okay we don't what we do is we go well they've ghosted me i'm the fucking problem they've ghosted me oh it's my issue i'm the problem i am the one that's they don't like i'm the one that's done something wrong I'm the one that's fucked this up I'm the one that's like maybe they don't maybe they had sex with me and they don't fancy me naked maybe I was bad in bed maybe I said something wrong maybe I had sex too soon maybe I didn't have sex enough maybe that like you don't go you ghosted me because you're a coward and a fucking prick you don't do that you put it on you and I've seen

cases of people being ghosted after like 10 months or a year of being with someone and this is like being in with someone as in being in love with someone and they suddenly the next day out of nowhere this person is gone it's fucking soul destroying it really really is and i'm not okay watching these bright intelligent beautiful women have to really dig deep into their own fucking mental capacity to overthink the whole situ and try and find an answer the answer is it's fucking cruel to ghost and the person who did that to you is a fucking coward and not worth your time that's the answer like it doesn't matter how long it was it doesn't matter that you're not the problem because someone to be able to ghost someone like that to be able to

fake feelings or even have real feelings and then just cut dead, disappear and run as if they've died, that's not okay. There's a problem with that person who does that. You can't be able to do that as a normal, decent, loving human being, right? Ghosting is never okay. It is never okay. You should always say, I'm sorry, it's not working out. Hey, I'm sorry, I can't do this. Hey, I'm sorry, this isn't for me anymore anything but just a flat disappear at least man up and have the balls and women as well I say man up woe man up this is not gender related and I say grow some balls also we we don't have balls grow some tits and balls does that make you happier man up get some tits and balls and address the situation I don't like people being left to suffer mentally and damage

themselves and cause insecurities that they will then take into their next relationship so they'll also be on edge about being ghosted again which means they're on edge about communication so they're always wanting to be like checking their phone are they online are they not online on like oh they haven't spoke to me for a few days you're causing this person some long-term bloody damage not okay never okay to ghost someone never if you've been ghosted you'll know how painful it is if you ghost someone and you're listening to this I hope you realize how painful it was for that person and I hope you don't do it again and I would love everyone even if it's a bad union with someone have the decency to just have the conversation let's not ghost each

other let's not suddenly disappear off social media it's not cool if you say to someone look I'm sorry I'm not in this and then that you get like text and text and text and text and text and text okay fine I understand you might need to block right it depends on the dynamics of the two of you I get that it's not always an easy slice away but at least if you've made it clear I'm I'm very sorry this isn't for me if that's all you need to say as well like you don't have to delve deep just something like that and then the other person is going off on one I do I do understand there are times when you need to block just for your own sanity and also sometimes to be cool to be kind to the other person just like okay they're not handling it well but like

I can't do this but have a conversation don't just ghost that's it this is a very black and white episode for me and a very black and white topic you don't fucking ghost it is never okay have the balls and the tips to text and or in person or phone call whatever have the conversation and give the other person the closure that they deserve and that is the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find

my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi.