Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Toxic Positivity - The dangers & repercussions behind Instagram #inspo

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Here's some serious irony: The Toxic Positivity culture of Instagram is actually NEGATIVE. Negative for both the user and the follower.  Say it louder for the people at the back! Let's delve in shall we?  

this podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships sex and love it may not be suitable for younger listeners this is the sex in singapore city podcast and i am nick selena hi hi hi hi yeah it's nick selena here on a monday evening with my podcast yay thank you all for tuning in. As always, thank you for your messages on past weeks. I love it. I love hearing from you all. Even if you want to message me and be like, yo, I hated your last episode. Right, right. Like, go for it. I'm not the oracle and I'm here for all feedback. Constructive criticism at its best. This is quite apt for what I'm about to talk about,

funny enough today. So today's episode is toxic positivity, the dangers and negative repercussions behind Instagram hashtag inspo. So I have a love-hate relationship with social media in general but Instagram is probably my main pet peeve. I don't know if you guys last year tuned in to the documentary, The Social Dilemma on Netflix. I hope it's still on there. It's dark, it's frightening and exposes the terrifying truth behind social media and how we've all been geared towards the addiction of such platforms, including Google. This isn't just Instagram. This is Facebook and Pinterest and whatnot. Oh, please, please watch it. I can only say that. I beg you to watch it, like I said, the Social Dilemma documentary on Netflix. In an intense contradiction

to my entire life's career to date, so the irony hasn't escaped me, I assure you, I am both a content creator and influencer in the digital sphere and have been for 15 years. Let me drop that down. 12, 13 years. I don't want to be that old. 12 years. So I'm both the content creator and influencer who is in the digital sphere but also hates the digital sphere maybe hates a strong word actually I see the positives in staying connected with each other and I would definitely struggle as an expat without these apps that keep me in touch with my friends and my family and of course you know you guys and my podcast I do love social media and content spheres in that shape or form. I also enjoy the positive social movements all these

platforms can create. So there's now spaces where people can reach out to the other members of the public. Real voices can be heard beyond mainstream, you know, publishing media. People can come together now and, you know, form communities and shit, even share cat videos. I am so here for the videos. But refocusing, I'm specifically talking about here toxic positivity, especially on Instagram, which is what I fucking hate. And I'm not here for that. I want to highlight the dangers and pitfalls of the Instagram hashtag inspo. From a point of view of someone who uses it as a branding tool and a marketing strategy I'm both I feel like I'm both in it and giving it but also I'm on the receiving end of it I hope I never give out toxic positivity to people that would be

I would consider myself failed as a content creator with my brand and authentic voice if anyone ever thought I was doing that because for me it's just a such a damaging aspect of fucking Instagram and I can't bear people that go down this avenue. The irony is toxic positivity is actually negative. If you're saying to me, what is toxic positivity, Nixalina? Explain it first. Okay. It's where people are like, oh my God, every day is a great day. Wake up, go for a run, read 20 books. Ah, everyone is great today. Oh, everyone, all of you are wonderful. Oh my God, do you want to know what motivates me every day life you should definitely do gym work and you should do nature and you should do inner work and you should stay in but you should go out

you should let loose and party with your girls and live your best life but then you shouldn't also drink alcohol because it's bad for you you should be motivated by your own self-love but you should also really want happiness and a family and connections oh have a fucking day off you dick no one can be that turned on every fucking day if you see someone who posts a tile every day like hi guys this is for all of you listening here's my motivation to help you get through your day what do you grow at what are the three things and motivates you every morning this person is the fakest bitch you'll ever meet right please don't buy into this okay this is toxic positivity at its finest if it makes you feel like you are

not achieving shit in your life just because you didn't wake up at 5 a.m have a coffee and journal and then do an hour of yoga then go to the gym and do two hours of a workout before you then go and meet your friends for brunch but still manage to make it to the office by 9 45 a.m uh like fuck off, please. It's fake, okay? This is pretty much what toxic positivity is. So I'm going to try and look at it from both the content creator side and the reader, the viewer, because obviously I do, you know, I get this all the time as well. I'm on the receiving end of toxic positivity. Let me dive in. Point one, it's set in an unrealistic reality for yourself and followers. so we all know by now that anything on the gram is filtered and a highlight reel of someone's life

but whilst we know this to be true it doesn't stop us comparing ourselves to others wishing we had the lifestyle the people that we follow we want to be like them photos like them or worse we're now comparing the manipulated highlight reel of that person's IG inspo life to our own real lives so by playing up to what the instagram wants which has somehow become the unattainable the unrealistic and the influencer lifestyle that others obsess over which isn't real we all then set an alternative reality for ourselves that we cannot keep up with it is a farce for both the person posting and the followers who diligently like and comment as soon as a new image pops up on the scroll. It's not real. And you are setting an unrealistic reality for yourself, trying to

maintain it, and for people following you. So leading on to point two, there's an insane amount of pressure on yourself to be switched on every single day. And this is the fucking worst for me. Instagram's algorithm favours those who post daily, who post stories and grid imagery and IGTV. instagram favors those who have high engagement a big reach and get regrammed a lot they're clever bastards at instagram hq i fucking give them that i'm like well bloody done guys you are actually a bunch of geniuses therefore we're all pressured into keeping content and amazing content at that uploaded every single fucking day so i'll notice a big drop in my followers and reach if I take a week off my Instagram page so this happened like when I

was going through the dark really dark times of my breakup I couldn't go on social media I just I wasn't I wasn't okay um yeah I'd notice a drop straight away because I took some fucking mental time out for me so therefore you are basically you have to be on every day you have to be on your a-game daily with your content tool especially if you use instagram for business like i do if you're a content creator and you glide through this process effortlessly every day then fucking hell i salute you because i for one find it a burden it's both the cure and the curse and when i stepped into the world of digital media like 12 years ago i had no idea what was about to happen in my life and where I'd be ending up and like yeah it's the cure and the curse and I'm stuck

on that wheel now unfortunately it's the wheel I hate and love at the same time point three there's an insane amount of pressure to always look your best have the best body be the best you know in your best shape your best wardrobe your best makeup best best best best whoa I don't even have enough time to go down this fucking rabbit hole right now so as part of the documentary the social dilemma which i talked about in the intro they highlight the rise in self-harm and suicides particularly of our younger generation because of the impact of fucking social media as per every photo in a glossy magazine every photo of models on an online shopping site every billboard ever the figure the face has been photoshopped it is not real she does not look like that

for both the person uploading and the person following the pressure to look flawless and perfect is overwhelming it's impossible to keep up and detrimental to everyone's mental health there are so many apps out there these days many free to download no age restrictions whatsoever that can then literally transform people's entire appearance so no wonder the younger generation are growing up with this mental health fucking scary issue because they're downloading apps to change their face their body and they're posting these and then what happens is is they get transfixed with that photoshopped version of themselves over their real self it is the opposite of self-love the opposite and whilst you're getting all these likes on this photoshop photo

that's where your toxic positivity comes in because you look fantastic and you're like your caption is how great you are that is actually having a negative effect on your self-love and how you view yourself right it's fucking scary and no one seems to really be addressing this so I encourage now everyone to go on to TED talk and watch professional model Cameron Russell's TED talk which she wrote looks aren't everything believe me I'm a model so if you search TED talk looks aren't everything believe me I'm a model just watch this clip for me please so she so perfectly sums this up by she says these pictures of me are not pictures of me they're constructions they're constructions by a team of professionals by hairstylists and makeup artists and photographers

and stylists. They build this. It's not me. Need I say any more on this subject? Like this is literally someone who does this for a living. Everyone is trying to look their best self on their Instagram. That's not what you look like. Unless you genuinely do post photos of what you look like then fantastic but make sure it isn't like combined with constant toxic positivity captions of how fucking great you are being you know who you are like you still it's not just about the photo it's the whole package that you sell on your instagram page point four when you inevitably have a down day you feel like a failure it's difficult to have a down day when you're posting happy hashtag love my life pictures every day. But down days exist. It's human. We're all

human. So yeah, toxic positivity creates a lifestyle where down days are not okay. You're expected to always show up, perform at your best, live your best fucking life, divert any bad energy into good energy, always compliment others, smile, be happy, be grateful, be mindful, be strong, be forward thinking plan ahead be career focused but be family focused be selfless and love others but also love yourself you must be always looking into mindfulness and meditation but then you must be at the gym being strong and physical and healthy and you must always spoil yourself and have a cheat day but then you must always nourish your body and only put good things in it and oh my fucking god, I'm going to explode. I cannot keep up with this bullshit. I feel like if you

turn into me, you're going to get real as fuck talk. None of this fucking nonsense. If anyone ever thinks that I do this, you message me immediately and say, Nix, you actually did that once. I fucking want to hear it because this is the worst ever. It's not real. It doesn't help anyone and all it does is cause pressure anxiety depressive spells panic and negative thought patterns it causes negative mental downfall which as i said before is the ironic opposite of the word toxic positivity because positivity is the opposite to negative and you think you're being so great telling everyone how wonderful they have to be every day and show up for themselves and how they should be doing this that and this that and this and that you think you're being

positive, you're being fucking negative. Stop. Number five, encouraging everyone else in a negative space to then feel like a failure. So just to move on from my next point, what happens is because you are having a down day, you are human, you're not AI, right? You're not. You're flesh, you're blood, you have a brain, you have a mind, you have hormones, you have emotions. This is all normal. Anyone who then makes negative spaces and down days non-existent on their social and their world, they make everyone else tuning in feel like a fucking failure when you do have a down day, right? I don't want anyone to compare themselves when they're going for a low moment in their life or they're having a really shit time to feel like they failed because they're not

fucking Mary Poppins. Okay. Fictional character doesn't exist. So these people, unfollow them, ignore them and unfollow them sharpish. Ain't nobody got time for that bullshit. You honestly, you're allowed to feel as shit as you want. And that's why when I say to people, if you listen to my podcast and you know, something I talk about resonates with you, you get in touch with me because I will talk it out with you. It's not normal to feel like you can't have a low moment everything comes in halves and pairs yin yang bad good like positive negative heads tails cure curse like poison antidote you have to have the other half to get the other half so if you want to go down this toxic positivity route great but you better accept the

fucking negative and you better promote negative feelings as well because otherwise if you don't you're fucking fake number six becoming a fake persona online okay these perfectly styled lifestyles perfectly crafted captions i beg you do not buy into it if it seems unattainable to be that way 24 7 every fucking day that's because it is unattainable it's a fake persona you're now living in a world unfortunately where everyone now strives the perfect photo that most likes a perfect body the perfect closet perfect backdrop we're used to presenting these fake images i mean literally fake images here for the gram the fake person now is fake online what happens now is that everyone who is on your social media thinks you are that person and that's really dangerous

so okay take me as an example no one reached out to me I don't think from like my hometown when I was going through like the really dark days of the breakup because I wasn't posting anything and if I as and when I started posting it was just like me out with the girls or me happy and I remember one girlfriend eventually text me and I just said like oh my god I've been through hell I am struggling I'm fucking struggling this is what the problem is is then people will assume you're fine when you're not fine you're not fine and it sucks big time that you then have people not be there for you because they don't even know there's a problem with you and it was a real eye-opener this moment for me because I was like fuck I am actually not being

as authentic as I thought I was, because my girlfriend thinks I'm okay, and I'm actually not okay. So since then, I vowed to myself that if I was really, really low, I just wouldn't post anything at all, right? If I was really happy, then I would stay happy, and I'd still post about that. But I'm not going to be posting happy days when I'm not. I've signed no binding contract, I sealed no paper with my blood. I owe the gram nothing. I don't want to be struggling at home really low and in a really bad time in my life. And people are like, well, you look fine on your gram. I thought you were right. That's scary. And moving on to point seven is you're actually attracting the wrong people into your life with this fake profile. So you're giving off a certain

vibe online that's not true to who you are. So those people following you is akin to your fakeness, not you, right? So this leads down a whole rabbit hole of DMs and people that are aligning with your fake persona, not who you are. You don't have people in your life that are into you because they don't really know you. They know the person you are pretending to be. So this is because your photos are and your captions and your content are all geared to getting as many likes as possible, as most engagement whatever the cost so for me a slew of followers and people saying you know you're a fucking queen and how great your life is and aren't you amazing and inspiration is absolutely meaningless if you are living a double life and behind the smartphone screen

you're a fucking mess and you feel you've got nobody to turn to and you cannot be honest you know for fear of the gram life that you've created suddenly being exposed as fake it's just so dangerous and damaging right and finally point eight this is also giving off the wrong vibe of people you meet in real life so authentic people can tell inauthentic people a mile off so if you're sitting at a table taking 300 selfies with extra light before you even take one bite of your bloody meal those sitting at the table tucking in whilst the food is still hot they will definitely have a perception of you besides that point if you meet people in real life they make their way onto your gram they're going to get a very different impression of you versus who you really are

you might be perceived as the fun one always out always drinking or the go-to one for advice and lamenting the issues or you might be the one that's always at the gym and it seems like that's you're addicted to the gym and you've got fuck all else going on in your life right these people might not know you or realize perhaps you know at this time you're suffering yourself because all you do is post my life is so awesome right so to be vulnerable is to be authentic and real and honest to make real connections to others in our life we need to be okay with appearing vulnerable authentic real and honest say that one more time shall we we need to be okay with appearing vulnerable and being honest this is why when I do my podcast like I did the whole narcissistic

episode I did the rebound episode I was so honest about what I've been through it's humiliating for me if I'm honest to to tell the world that like that I I was on the receiving end of that treatment I was so embarrassed so humiliated and yet actually being that authentic and honest helps me become the content creator that I want to be and that is not toxic positivity but just someone genuine who shares and who gives and takes at the same equal measure I just want to add I guess as a final conclusion here I do believe in the power of real positivity of social media so I know I've bashed it like the whole episode I'm not requesting everyone uninstalled the gram i'm not now requesting everyone divulges their deepest darkest parts of their cells in a photo

caption i'm not saying you know you have to let everyone know you you're at a depressive mental health place because you like you don't have to expose yourself that's not what i'm asking i'm asking for authenticity of the feed don't be someone who is part of this toxic positivity cycle don't tell everyone they have to live their best life every day that they have to you know live the life that you're portraying is what you think is the best life don't do that we're all different we all have different ideas of what living our best life is and more so don't be someone who gets sucked in to another profile of toxic positivity don't start comparing yourself on any level to the fake bullshit of that profile right i'm not against the app itself i'm against

the fake life the users of the app have created which in turn causes a negative impact on themselves even if they don't realize it and subsequently their followers that i am against and that is the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and

singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy, come say hi.