Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Toxic Relationships: Your Firefighter is also the Arsonist

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

"You open the door to the firefighter, and the next day you wake up next to the arsonist." Toxic relationships is well up there on the list of my favourite topics to discuss.   Today, we're looking at the CYCLE of toxic relationships and how people remain stuck in them for yearssssssssssss.   ​​​​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com.   Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's me. Welcome back. Hello, it's me. Um, today we are going to talk about toxic relationships, which I feel like is my favorite topic. No, no. Narcissism's my favorite topic. Shortly followed by toxic relationships. Shortly followed by sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Today's episode is called Toxic Relationships. Your firefighter is also the arsonist. Now, I feel like, oh, she's toxic. He's toxic. My ex was toxic.

The relationship was toxic. It's just this buzzword we throw around at the moment. It's become trendy, as has red flags. Like, what's his red flags? How did you not see his red flags? yeah what there have you seen any green flags and of course narcissism became very topical as well it's trended like I'm such a narcissist but but these things are based on reality and I am things are usually so much more deeper than these throwaway comments and conversations so I really want to deep dive into a toxic relationship and the reason why I've said your firefighter is also the arsonist is because that for me so aptly sums up how fucking damaging and cyclical toxic relationships are and why people don't leave. Because that's what makes

a toxic relationship is when you don't leave. So it's very easy to say from an outsider like, I don't know why you didn't leave after she did this to you. I don't know why you stayed. Okay, you wanted to leave back then, but you spent another year together. I don't know why you didn't leave back then. Or as soon as if I saw that behavior, I would have left, right? It's so easy as an outsider to do this. However, when you're in it and you're in that relationship, chances are you're in love. Not many of us are in relationships where we don't love someone. You love that person, and you love them for qualities that perhaps they showed at the beginning, or perhaps you love them for qualities you've experienced along the way. And without you knowing it, things have grown into toxicity, but you're still hoping for the good stuff to come back.

And that is what keeps us all there. we want the person we fell in love with to come back and we are terrified that the person we fell in love with if we let this toxic person go now that someone else someone new gets all the good shit we don't want that either so we stay because we we know it's there we can have it Those memories are not lies, they're memories. But also, the reason we stay is because the person causing the fire is the person that puts it out for you. Let's just focus on that for a moment. so yeah many many times in my many relationships which did not end well I would be so distraught by things they've done to me and yet all I'd want was a cuddle from him I would be crying my eyes out and I just want him to cuddle me do you see how toxic that is

he's the arsonist he's cheated on me he's lied to me he's betrayed me he's broken the family home and yet to get my comfort and calm me down and to get my love and grounding I go to him I need him to cuddle me I need him to tell me everything's going to be okay I need him to tell he loves me. And it will all go away and it will all get fixed. He's both the arsonist and the firefighter. And toxic people are actually very good at offering both. Deep sighs, because this is a difficult episode. Because if you are in this situation, I feel for you so much. and when I left both my narcissists every time I left them all I wanted was to be with them it's all I wanted and I left them because I knew I couldn't stay and I knew that they were treating

me so badly but I craved them so much and all I fucking wanted was for them to come over ring me up and be like look I'm so in love with you I need you and I want to come over but I also knew it was the worst thing to do. It's like you open the door to the firefighter and then the next day you wake up next to the arsonist. And that's how cyclical it is. And how do you get out of that? You know, the person who starts the fire is the person who puts it out. And once they put it out, you think, okay, we're going to be okay now. We're going to be okay. This is good. We're fine. And they start another fire. Because it's who they are. You understand that? The arsonist is that because that's who they are. They

start fires. It's like me, right? I'm loud. I'm abrasive. I'm opinionated. I'm hilarious, obviously goes about fucking saying but I say what I think say how I feel that's who I am I would never not be that way I can be considerate I can be quiet I can listen I can accept when I'm wrong but I would never that wouldn't there are moments where I can do that but I'll never then stop being opinionated, loud, abrasive, bossy, assertive. That is who I am. I can do both. This toxic person is that they can be loving and kind. They can give you those moments that you'll cherish. They can portray that connection, which is the only thing you want and need. They can give you that security. But they also can fucking burn your whole life down. They can

betray you. They can lie to you. They can cheat on you. They can abuse you. They can be physically abusive. They can be emotionally abusive. They can tear you down. They can be insecure. They can be jealous they can be possessive they can be controlling you know it could go on but they can be all those things as well and chances are if they are any of those things which causes toxicity in a relationship they will always be those things and you may get a period of time where the firefighter comes to the surface and is the predominant role but that arsonist is always there so taking my cheating fiance as an example um if i forgave him and stayed firefighter would have come into play in fact firefighter coming straight away he's buying us new phones

um i don't know why that was his fucking priority it's like this shove money at it yeah that'll work he's um offering couples counseling um he was trying his best as best he could to fix or make me think it's fixed for me to stay if i'd said yes i will forgive you firefighter would have taken the lead for a while but i can't expect them that the alcoholic to go away, that serial cheat to go away, that pathological liar to go away, that's always there. And there will be a situation where he'd be out at a bar, I don't know, six months down the line, 12 months down the line, and that little part of him will resurface because it's who he is. It's who he is because he's done it already. And he's done it to me,

and the one before me, and the one before me, and the one before me. It's a pattern. It's cyclical. it doesn't change. And that's what I need you to grasp if you are in a toxic relationship, is that person is both. And it doesn't change. Depends at the time which one comes to the surface, right? It also depends on how willing you are to put up with it. So let me tell you this. Some people, I believe, can change. They make mistakes. We are all human. We all fuck up, right? Say they cheated on you, or they lied in a really big way, or they stole money, or I don't know, they ghosted you for a bit, or whatever it is that's a display in a toxic behavior, and you address it, sometimes that can be enough. And then it's done. And

you get a good person because it was a moment, fuck up, right? You forgive and we're all good. That's not really a toxic relationship. That's someone who's made mistakes and regrets it deeply and you've resolved it together. When it happens again and again, or they display different traits of toxicity at the same time, so not only are they gaslighting you, they're also disappearing at weekends they're also got two phones and there's another guy one of the phones or you know i mean if there's multiple things going on or the mistake they made that you forgave they do that again that's then the toxic cycle it's a pattern of behavior toxicity isn't a one off issue it's cyclical arsonist firefighter puts it out but starts the fire puts it out

Starts a fight, you understand? Just go round and round and round. You're never going to get out of that unless you just get out and leave. That doesn't stop. They don't grow out of it. They don't change. And that is the difference with toxic relationships versus healthy relationships where someone just fucked up. Also, when it comes to someone fucking up and say, worst thing for me is betrayal, is cheating, I don't forgive. But I know many people that do. And I've heard of many stories of people that do. And I was going to say I commend that. I admire it because I can't. I would not be able to get over it. But I'm also always very sketchy. I have a question mark on that about how much that's been resolved. Is it because you just

don't want to lose that person and you say you'll forgive them? But do you drag it on in the relationship is there underlying now arguments because of the cheating because you know um but yeah I do know people who do forgive I do not forgive I have deal breakers that's fucking the main one um like alcoholism and like the addictions I was really prepared to just um work through that stuff. Emotional manipulation is a no-go, but it's also very hard for you to, if you're the one being emotionally manipulated, for you to register that. Like, definitely have baseline deal breakers, like, this is no. And for me, honestly, lying is a deal breaker. And not just lying once or a white lie. Like I said, that's different. That's a human being

making mistakes. If you are a pathological liar, which means you lie on repeat all the time, even about shit that's not worth lying about, that's your toxic partner, that's your arsonist ruining the relationship, and that is when you need to get out. So if you find yourself stuck in a pattern where there's this good moments, then this comes up, and good moments, and then really shit moments. If it's so inconsistent, if it's so unstable, and if there's a narrative on repeat that is damaging to you and the relationship, it's a toxic relationship and the only thing to do is walk away. And I know you don't want to, and I know you love them. I fucking loved them so much leaving him killed me but I can't control someone's behavior I can't

make someone not cheat on me I can't make someone be honest I can't make someone prioritize me I can only hope that they will and if they show me otherwise then I can only get my own self-respect to the forefront enough to leave regardless of how much I love them and that's how you have to handle your toxic relationship so have I bummed you all out I'm sorry because I know it is quite a serious episode because I know how damaging and painful and awful and shitty it is and how much it affects your whole life your sleep pattern how much you eat you don't eat how do feel about yourself, all that bollocks. And it's horrible. And I just wouldn't wish it on anyone. I really wouldn't. The mental damage toxic relationships cause is just, yeah, awful.

I hope this has helped clarify for you. If you are concerned that that's what you are in, or perhaps you're at the beginning of a relationship, which sounds a lot like this. and if you are i'm always here for you the only way out is to leave i'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear that's the fucking truth you have to leave and if you need help or any strength to leave or you want clarity on your current situation whether it's toxic or not please please reach out to me i am on instagram and tiktok at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a and thank you very much once again for staying with me for the episode and i will see you all next week thanks for listening to the can't keep my mouth shut podcast produced and hosted by me

nick selena i'm recorded in the splice cast studios in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com. That's nixalina.com. I'm also on social media. Simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy. Come say hi. Thank you.