Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Victim-Blaming & Gaslighting in Relationships: How you need to deal with it

Episode Date: May 16, 2022

It's not right, it's not okay and it is enough alone to be the reason you leave your partner. 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina. Welcome back to my podcast. I hope you are all well. Today's episode is Victim Blaming and Gaslighting in Relationships. and how you need to deal with it. So let's, I mean, these are terms thrown around, right, constantly. And I talk about it a lot myself, especially with narcissistic types of personalities. But I want you to be very well aware that you don't have to be in a relationship with a narcissist

to be victim blamed and on the receiving end of gaslighting. Usually, it is more noted with narcissistic types of personality people and sociopaths and the cluster B personality disorders in general, but you can still be on the receiving end of it from just a toxic person. So what is gaslighting? Okay, let's get down to the crux of it. So it's a covert type of emotional abuse in a relationship where one of the partners will, let's call them the abuser, will purposely mislead their victim, say you. So the abuser will purposely mislead you. They'll purposely create a false narrative about events that have happened in your relationship, about things they said. They'll pathologically lie to you constantly, even though, say, you have evidence. I saw

this on your phone this is what happened they'll lie their way out of that and they basically end up leaving you questioning your own judgment and your own reality and you become so insecure in yourself about your own opinions and about the truth and about your your own truth and what you're living because you're permanently being gaslighted and you're told nope that didn't happen and you're crazy and you overreact and you're sensitive and no, that didn't happen. And even if it did, it's your fault. So this leads me on to the victim blaming, right? So part and parcel with the gaslighting is if this happened, it's your fault somehow. That's pretty much victim blaming in a nutshell. Whatever I did was because of what you did. Whatever I did to you that's hurt

you you deserve that and let me tell you why all right to me victim blaming makes as much sense as like blaming a baby zebra for getting attacked by a lion that's pretty much the insanity of victim blaming like well baby zebra you were eating that grass in the wrong place so what did you expect It's pretty much your fault that the lion attacked you. Okay, okay. So I'm going to bring up a few of my previous examples and my many years on this planet in relationships where I was victim blamed and in the same score gaslighted around these scenarios. So let's go. Okay, first one, I found out my partner had cheated on me. But then it was my fault that I wanted to end it.

So my partner then got extremely angry at me because I was putting up boundaries and saying, this is not OK. Like, you went off with another woman. Bye. And then I am the reason the relationship end. Like, literally, I would have got messages like, you're so dramatic. I told you what happened. okay yeah like I made a mistake but you're the one that ruined us you're the reason this relationship failed because you didn't even give me a chance right victim blaming another scenario gut instinct led me to read my partner's phone I found out he had cheated this wasn't the first

incident either and then it's my fault for reading the phone I told you not to read my phone I told you not to go through it and anyway those were all lies what I wrote I was just sad I didn't I didn't mean that I I didn't do it I was just bragging to my friends to feel better I have literally evidence of you saying you cheated on me but now you're still denying the reality and lying about lying to your friends about lying about sleeping on snow but then you're lying to me about okay okay um when i was many moons ago i was punched in the face by a partner this is another episode altogether and that's because i wound him up so much and provoked him to do it so I ended up saying sorry for being punched in the face because I wound him

up because I was really upset that he was flirting with a woman in a club in front of me and acting like I didn't exist victim blaming you catch him out on loads of lies let's take cheating out the scenario let's take physical violence out the scenario even something as simple as you're catching him out on multiple lies. He maybe says he's at work and you realize he's at a bar or he says he's out running errands and he's at a bar or he says he's in bed asleep and he's at a hotel room with a woman. Then when you bring it up and you're like, hey, I feel like you're lying to me and I feel like you've been lying a lot and I actually feel like something happened. Suddenly is angry and shouting and you look at the way you are you constantly accusing me of cheating or

mistrust and I can't live like this anymore you're the reason I'm so stressed and anxious that's gaslighting and victim blaming all wrapped into one say for instance because you caught him out on his phone whatever the lies or whatever he's been doing he smashes the phone up breaks that up but then it's your fault he got so angry that he broke your phone because look what you made me do you I could go on right I've had so many scenarios across the years like fuck me pick better men mixalina but this is this is in general what the victim will be going through moments like this I mean there's of course loads of different scenarios the main crux of it is you innocently bring up something that's upset you about what they've done they've done something

wrong first okay always hold that on that note in your head they've done something wrong first and you address it hey you went to the fucking hotel with that girl what the hell you know and then it's just like anger and guilt and anything to not take responsibility for their own actions and to break you down. Victims are often gaslighted. I mean, like psychologically manipulated into like panicking about whether they're even like events are wrong in their head or apologizing for hitting the nail on the head. Like I remember one scenario. I had no proof at the time but I had found like bank statements um and I basically hit the nail on the head saying I think you've cheated on me I think you went to a hotel room and I just got abuse all day like you

fucking ruined my day what the fuck is going on about I can't live like this my therapist is saying that you're the reason I'm so fucking stressed I have never ever lied to you my whole fucking life. I've never been this honest. Yeah, I was bang on the money, wasn't I? Even without proof, my gut instinct meant I was bang on the money and I still got blamed for it. I ended up apologizing in that conversation just to calm him down. And that's usually what happens is you get gaslit so much and blamed for something because they're trying to divert your attention away from what, like, if they feel, shit, she's almost going to find out I fucked up.

She's almost going to see the real me. They'll just put all the blame on you and then they'll divert your attention elsewhere and your attention is diverted too. Look how bad you are and you end up apologising and begging for, like, just normality because you can't bear that rage. and as soon as I said in this conversation where I had hit the nail on the head I just didn't know

it at the time as soon as I said look I'm really sorry um you know I have had previous experiences of being cheated on it was an immediate switch like okay no worries can't wait to see you let's just drop it because he obviously thought he'd done enough rageful reactions as the abuser does so that you don't then want to talk about it anymore. And they got away with it. Victims of victim blaming and gaslighting are usually actually very compassionate, forgiving and emphatic people.

Is it emphatic or empathetic? Empathetic people. I don't know the difference in it. Is it emphatic? Can someone tell me? Thank you. So what happens is, is these types of people like myself

often love others almost beyond the way they love their actual selves. They forgive the unforgivable. They stay because they hang on to the perception and the promise of what this person is going to be, not the actual person that they are. And just very caring and loving, very nurturing. And unfortunately, this kind of person is just perfect bait for these abusers. So when it comes to gaslighting and victim blaming, how do you deal with it? Okay, firstly always trust your gut instinct if your gut is saying this doesn't add up I don't understand these lies just know that you've that's the reality is you're

you're definitely bang on the money with it I even remember when one ex was on holiday I was going on this long narrative about oh look what I'm wearing I went to golf and I'm wearing the same outfit when I went out and met a client and I look how this outfit is and he was wearing shorts and a t-shirt a golf or something but it was really odd I was thinking why is he banging on about wearing the same shit to golf and going out in the evening I didn't understand anyway he obviously got off his face and then sent me a photo of him at a casino with jeans on so I already knew these photos weren't on the same day or him saying oh I wore the same outfit is is a lie and the photo he sent me with him in the casino is probably an old photo and he was sending it

to me to cover his tracks of wherever else he was you know like I noticed these things I never once brought that up to him um I couldn't be arsed I just couldn't be arsed I don't I've almost been lied to so much. I just thought, what the hell is he going on about? It's just very strange. So just trust in your own gut instinct and trust that if you catch them out on a lie, it is a lie. You know it's a lie. These kind of people, you say, look, here's evidence that the sky is blue and they'll be like, it's purple, fuck off and don't talk to me about it again. And you're like, no, look, you even once said it's blue. Look at these texts. You said it's blue. It ain't blue. it's fucking purple what you're talking about I never wrote that and when I wrote that I was drunk

um and I wrote that I was lying on purpose to say it's blue because someone else you're never gonna win just hold on to your own sanity about your own reality if you have to start writing stuff down recording events so that they can't twist it later on so you write down there and then like this is the time he got home he went to a hotel room with a woman this is the time he arrived this is the time he left or the guy said he was going to work and then he went missing for four days or he said he was going to rehab and I caught him at the 7-11 at eight in the morning with vodka or those pink knickers in the spare room weren't mine and I know they weren't mine and he's saying they weren't they must have been mine like you know anything that is facts write

it down and write it down in the present when it happens so that you can go back and look back on and understand for your own experience what actually happened because these people gaslight the shit out of you they're so manipulative they actually win this the other way to deal with it is leave. Fucking leave. There's your options. Leave. What's that? Leave. Do you know why? Because this type of person is never going to change. They're never going to take responsibility. They are never going to love you the way you thought they did. Because you can't emotionally manipulate your partner and love them. Those things don't work together. It's not a vibe. So the person they pretended to be is not real. The reality is they're blaming you for everything

that goes wrong in the relationships. They're blaming you for everything that they're doing in their life that's wrong. And they're gaslighting the shit out of you so that your own reality narrative is distorted so that they can keep you there, controlling you at home, being their loving partner being their loving wife looking after their children looking after the animals showing you off to friends and clients when it suits them but then going missing when it doesn't this is not going to change this person is this person and how you deal with it is you stick so hard to your own truth you write those fucking events down you keep a log of them you read over it when you start to get mind muddled when they're still lying. You keep screenshots

of the text messages, of the bank statements, of the receipts. Even if they say, hey, I'm outside McDonald's and they're at a fucking bar and you find the receipt a few days later. Take a photo of it. Everything. And keep telling yourself your own truth. This is the reality. this person is lying and then when you look back and you have this volume of lies in your relationship you realize just how much they don't fucking care about you and you're you're their scapegoat for their own bitter pain and and energy negative energy and jealousy and you know like yes yes there will be happy times because abuse and happiness have to coexist if they just abused you 24-7. You wouldn't last a month. So they'll want to have happy moments and forgiving moments and

I love you moments and sober moments. And you know, they might have children with you. They might marry you. They'll buy a house for you. But the victim blaming, gaslighting, manipulation never goes away. Okay? So how do you deal with it? You fucking leave. And you don't look back. okay don't look back if you have to stay and I understand leaving is sometimes very difficult for people if you really really have to stay and I'm saying with all my heart please do not if you have to this is what you do you stick with your own support system you get yourself therapy you get yourself help you keep your own truths as I said you kind of have to close off to this person so they can't hurt you anymore. And you almost have to start living a separate life

because other than that, honestly, they will destroy you. But yes, please, if you have a way to get out, you leave and you run and you never look back. And that's the end of this episode. thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick

Selina, N-I-X-A-L-I-N-A to find me. Don't be shy, come say hi.