Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - What Do You Do When Sex Leaves Your Relationship?

Episode Date: December 14, 2020

Is it just a dry spell? Does it mean the love has gone? Or is it purely circumstantial? Let's discuss! For more content, head over to: http://sexandsingaporecity.com/ Or come say Haiiiiii Nixxxx on Instagram: @nixalina

this podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships and sex it may not be suitable for younger listeners this is the sex in singapore city podcast and i'm nixalina watson hi guys it's me yeah another monday another episode i hope you're all doing good excited for this week you know ready to take work on or not as the case may be this episode is a topic that obviously is quite niche in that it's only going to apply to a handful of people but if you've been through it or you know someone who's going through it or perhaps for a future you if you go through it then yeah I think we should talk about it

So this is what do you do when sex leaves the relationship? Now, this is a very tricky subject in that it's always case by case and it's very hard to navigate because you never know if it's a rough patch or it's the demise of the relationship in general. Now, when I say the sex leaves the relationship. What I mean is you don't physically want sex with your partner anymore or you find reasons to not want to have sex. You don't have enough time to have sex. You find a lot of excuses coming up to not have sex. You both perhaps seem to have filled a routine that doesn't have space for for sex or it's like an elephant in the room that no one's discussing um and this can happen to any couple it's it's certainly not like oh you must fulfill all of

these attributes and you won't have sex it can any couple at any time it doesn't have to be a long-term relationship although majority of the time it is but you perhaps you've you know you've been together a short while, maybe less than a year. And there's no sex as there was. There can be a lot of contributing factors to sex leaving the relationship. An example is COVID, right? We are all living through very troubled times. There is a lot of stresses, especially mentally, that no one's been really preparing us for. and it doesn't seem to be getting much better and it's kind of feels like almost like a long slog you know like a marathon 2020 oh fucking hell 2020 is awful it's called a spade a spade

but it's like another month of not being able to leave the island another month of you know having to wear a mask as soon as we leave the house having to check in everywhere this whole year has just been all these extra stresses worries about money and the worst of it in the summer people didn't know if they were going to have jobs left and it's still happening now of course people write about income so when you've got something as global as this happening it really affects your mindset and of course sex is like a positive space mindset you know and and your want for a physical attention and your want for an orgasm and stuff that's usually when you're in a you know a good headspace or when you want to make up right after an argument make up sex

is fantastic but when you're constantly stressed or living in a very troubled time it is hard to have a sex drive like you used to it really is um i mean i'm personally i i wouldn't say my sex drive was the same as it was but I still want to orgasm a lot but like I guess the way I used to be towards sex I do feel very different about it in this year because my mind is constantly like focused it feels like I'm focused on something else all the time so external factors can really play into yeah your sexual appetite and and it doesn't have to be about your partner it can just be about you not having a high libido at the time, right? But also, if you have stresses within the relationship, that then, of course, affects your sex drive. It could be that every time you have

an argument, you guys sort of drift further away sexually. It could be that you guys don't have arguments but kind of feel lost compared to how you used to you don't feel as a team or connected you feel disconnected from each other and it's not burdened with any extreme emotion it's almost indifference like a mate a housemate and that means you kind of don't have that sexual connection anymore. Or it could be that your relationship has traversed into this brother and sister role where you love and care about them so much, but you're not sexually attracted. It could be that you have a personality of habits. You have, say, an addictive personality and your habit used to be having a lot of sex. And for some reason, perhaps you've changed your job.

perhaps you've you know now in a different crowd or for whatever reason you don't have the same time as you used to have for sex so your habit has become well I do that Friday and I do that Saturday and that's your new habit formed and now sex is sort of the less you do it the less you want to do it now it's not it's an old habit right so that might be a way it gets lost it could be that one of you is really pushy with sex um forcing sex on the other one which makes of course ironically because it's sod's law the other one further away like no to stop pushing it on me there are so many different reasons and factors i'm just throwing some at you that i can think of at the top of my head, people that spoke to me throughout the years, my own personal

experiences. It could be a number of things or more. But whatever the reason, the sex has left the relationship. So what do you do? Firstly, you don't make any rash decisions. Why? Because it could be just a rough patch it could be just a sexless phase of your relationship which is very very normal especially the longer you go the more settled you get together um hey move even moving in with each other completely changes your sexual dynamic when you're living apart and you want every moment together and oh my god i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you i miss you and then when you live together i can't miss you because you're right you're right there and yeah you're fucking right there every morning every evening there you are motherfucker miss you i wish i had

space to miss you i really do so even that big bold step we're so in love everything's amazing let's move in together oh that might change it dynamics have changed there's now less want to have sex well it doesn't matter i don't have to desperately have sex tonight because i'm going to see you tomorrow night i'm going to see you the next night or the next night on the next night right though it doesn't matter it's no urgency anymore there's a whole world of fucking sexist options here as to why it happens. But yes, the main point is don't rush a decision because it's quite normal. You know, like I've heard even when you get married, like you take that next big step, it might have a sexist phase. When you have a kid, I mean, physically, she might

not even be able to have sex for a while. So there's all these different areas and stages in life where sex goes out the relationship so what you need to do my humble personal opinion i'm by no means the pillar of truth on this at all it's just kind of sit back and start evaluating okay so okay so there's no sex right when was the last time i had sex are we talking like a week if you used to have sex five times a day and now it's only weekly i think you're right if you have sex i don't know now only like once a month once every two months once every perhaps it's been six months and you've not had sex has it been longer than six months and you've not had sex then we start to delve into a territory where it needs to probably be addressed

when one of you wants sex more than the other that's already a communication table right it needs to be having because i i jest but if one of you wants sex five times a day and you then can only handle the other one gets once a week that's a misalignment isn't it because the one who only wants it once a week is going to feel exhausted five times a day the one who wants it five times a day is going to feel rejected when they only get it once a week and and frustrated so even that needs a chat. And talking about sex is really awkward, I'm not going to lie, especially with your partner. But it's a key component to holding every relationship together and really needs kind of to be discussed without any issues or covering up, just honesty. So depending on how

long I think sex has left the relationship for, and depending on how many times you try to bring it up this will depend on how the conversation goes and and how i guess you move forwards if one of you really refuses and is absolutely not interested in sex and it's been a very very long time then it might be worth readdressing whether that relationship is right because while sex is not the be-all and end-all of relationships it really is a large part of it it's your connection together it's your intimacy it's your physical connection and um yeah like it is unfortunately is a big deal it's it's part of how compatible you are as a partner as a couple sorry so yeah I would I would address it I wouldn't make any rash decisions and perhaps rather than make it

into a big deal because then it might escalate into a bigger deal because there's pressures now because it's on the table maybe you can say like hey you know like spice it up i don't know like hey let's you know have some give me an hour on saturday or give me a sunday an hour and like i want to you know see you for a bit and like don't have to perhaps say i want to fuck your brains out but you can ask for like some time and then you know take them to the bedroom or whatever whatever floats your boat wherever you usually do it um but yeah try and perhaps see if you if you can bring the sex back if you're the one that doesn't want to bring the sex back and the thought of having sex with them like i really can't be bothered next like i don't want

to carve an hour out i'd rather do what i want with my mates on my saturday than wait for him and have sex with him if that's how you're feeling you might need to have a chat with yourself about this relationship have you been feeling like this way because it's your time of the month and you're just pissy have you been feeling this way because there's external stresses like once again if you're saying to yourself i actually don't have sex with him don't then go oh i don't love him like don't make any rash decisions on this topic that's like i'm gonna say that till i'm blue in the face because it's really important. Don't, don't, don't do it. Just go right. Why could I possibly not want to have sex? Maybe if it's got to this issue, write it down. I don't want to have sex

because, I don't know, he's put on weight. I don't want to have sex because I don't cum. I don't want to have sex because I'm fucking tired all the time. I don't have sex because he's really moody at the moment. I don't have sex because I'd rather be with my friends. just whatever it is write it down and perhaps if you're having a very open conversation ask him to write it down as well and see whether you can like work together and getting over this if you what i would also say sorry off the point of that is write down say how often you have sex we can always put it in our heads i don't have sex anymore you had sex two weeks ago oh yeah yeah but apart from that yeah but what about the time you got drunk well i don't remember it yeah

but you still had sex. Oh, yeah. So write down. Yeah. Okay. I had sex two months ago. I had sex six months ago. Right. Write down what that means to you. Is that enough? No. How often would I ideally want sex? How often did we used to have sex? Okay. We used to have sex every day. And now we only have it once every two weeks. Okay. That's a big change. But at least you're still having sex. if you're in a relationship where it's literally nothing for months and months on end and neither one of you are instigating it and neither one of you want to instigate it yes that does need a proper conversation because I don't think it's that means there's a long-term plan for this relationship if you got to that point but I do believe sex comes in waves in relationships and

just because you're sexless at the moment or it has been sexless for a while doesn't mean that you're not meant to be together it could actually just be a misinterpretation of each other's feelings there could be a roadblock in your communication and it could believe it or not be something made into a positive so you could fight your way through this together really open up that channel of communication and say hey look we're not having sex right let's be honest with each other we used to have sex a lot I've noticed you're kind of always tired I'm always not really horny like let's work on this together okay so when do you think you might not be tired to want to have sex with me right when do I okay I'm gonna not be moody I'm gonna put myself in a really

relaxing mindset maybe I'll go and get a massage maybe I'll have a few drinks to chill out you know and then like create a space where you could have sex a lot of the times i generally believe it's a habit humans humans are creatures of habit and when we get into a habit of not having it and then we just sort of like everything else becomes just you know more important or i think every all the white noise is more important than the actual bare roots and connection of your relationship but if you start the engine and ignite it on purpose yourselves okay it might be a bit awkward because you're both there the first time that fucking hell we ain't had sex in six months and i feel like this is forced as fuck what do i do oh god it's really awkward i don't remember him

looking like that is his penis really that shape oh my god i haven't had a blowjob in forever it might all be going on your head right it might all be awkward but push through that literally push hard through all that and then keep going so maybe like right okay let's let's do this make sure we do that every week even if it's just once a week make it a new habit and then you'll start it might be comfortable first two three four five times and then you'll start to like oh okay no I like I'm so into this I love it you might start looking forward to it again fuck it that's I want it on this day I can't wait to come home to you again you know like I'm not gonna throw all the cliches out like buy sexy lingerie or introduce sex toys to spice up the bedroom

because I don't really I'm not washing with that at the moment because you can put on a really sexy pair of pajamas you know you don't have to you don't have to go and spend all this money on lingerie I love lingerie and it's beautiful and great but that that for me is putting a plaster over a bullet wound rather than taking the bullet out and stitching the wound up completely i know i've just made a reference to being shot and talking about sex sorry if that analogy was wrong but it sums up what i'm trying to say perfectly so we're just gonna roll with it so you don't want to put a plaster right over the top you want to stitch it up because then it properly heals. So I think don't, I'm going to say it again, don't make any rash

decisions. Don't say anything rash because things with sex is such a delicate topic and people are very fragile and you don't want to say anything that is unrepairable at this stage. So it has to sort of be approached with care and caution. And I think you first have to work on each other separately so you do your list why do I not want to have sex okay or I want to have sex and he doesn't why do I think he doesn't want to have sex how many times have I asked him and he doesn't want it when did we he used to have sex how did he used to be either way it is whether it's you or them or both just write it all down and try and get your head around it first separately and then find a nice calm space when you're both relaxed to say hey can we just talk about sex

for a moment like it's not an issue even though it might be just say it's not um but i really think it's something we need to discuss if you try this nothing changes if your partner is not willing to even carve out any time or not willing to give it a go or says look i'm just not interested or doesn't even want to talk about it and there continues for a month two months three months to still be no sex I think there's your answer right it basically means are you going to put up with this for the rest of your relationship or is it a very clear sign that perhaps it's time to move on it's not you know a breakup is never something that any one of us wants to really have to address but it doesn't always have to be a bad thing it could just be sort of getting you out of the

relationship that's not quite right for you to make you find the one that is but yeah everything please take this one slowly if you're currently in that phase where there's no sex feel free to message me we can talk it out um please make the list separately and together talk about with each other perhaps why or like be honest you know do you not want to have sex is it me or is it work is too stressful you know is it the baby is it since we moved in with each other is it covid you know try and make it very calm space for people to be honest with their feelings and you might see a huge difference the other person might be hoarding all this up and go oh god finally i got an outlet finally i can i don't want to upset her or i didn't realize should be

so, you know, understanding, but I can actually tell how I feel. That might take all the pressure off and you actually then have amazing sex at night. You never know. If you don't, don't worry. Try, like I said, try and form a new habit, try and introduce it back in, keep the conversation going, keep writing down your list, your journal, you know, reasons why you do or you don't want to have sex and work through it in a very non-rash manner and if you get to the point where you go fucking hell nix it's just not happening i'm not interested or he's not interested it's been this long i've tried everything then i think we have our answer don't we i hope that helped guys i'm sorry i'm not going to end on a super super high note with that one

um i will say in fact no let's turn it around i will say that often that the the troughs and lows of having no sex are quickly recovered. And it is pretty normal. I do want to make that clear. It is pretty normal. It happens to the best of us. No relationship, I don't think, is sexually wild from day one until the grave, right? It just, especially like I said at the beginning, during this time, during COVID, we're all pretty mentally fucked. We kind of got a lot on our plate. so if you're feeling it now and you never had it before give yourselves a break and go hey listen like I know we're not having sex but fucking hell 2020 is awful isn't it you know and just be open about it and have a laugh even that's the route you want to go down but it can be changed it can

be fixed it doesn't mean you're wrong together it doesn't mean it's the end of time unless you're the previous example and then yes it might be time to move on and that's it from me and i look forward to seeing you all next monday for another fun topic of my podcast and as always thanks for listening and come say hi to me on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a peace out thanks for listening to the sex in singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nixelina watson and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore we're available on apple podcasts spotify google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe for a new episode every single week please do give us a five-star review it helps other people find our podcast

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