Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Why Do We Settle For Less Than We Deserve In Relationships?

Episode Date: February 7, 2022

Are you desperate for a partner? Are you staying for the wrong reasons? Do you even know what you're worth? Let's discuss why we allow our significant other to treat us far less than what we deserve.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hello, it's Nick Salina and welcome back to another episode a la moi. I hope you're all doing good. I hope you're feeling great. and I hope you're listening to this episode because it resonates with you and potentially might help perhaps change a little few things going on there. Today we are doing

why do we settle for less than we deserve in relationships? chips. That's such a hard can of worms. It is, but you'd be surprised how many of us settle for far less than what we actually deserve. And we think we deserve it. So there you go. That's it. Episode over. The reason we settle for less than what we deserve is because we think we only deserve that little bit. So that's why we put up with it. Because why would we get more? Interesting. There's a few reasons why we settle for less than what we deserve. And it's something that I talk a lot with my girlfriends, especially my single ones, when they come to me with like the guys that they're dating or met this guy on Tinder,

you know the story. And I listened to it and I'm like, you are chasing this dickhead? Like, what makes you think that this is all you can get? What? Like, I always just want to shake them and be like, no, no. And settling for less than you deserve, I've said in relationships also applies to dating as well. It's of course how relationships begin. And that's where the bar is set. When you honestly, when you first talk to someone on dating apps or in person, when you first on the first few dates. That is when you start ingraining into that coupling what you feel you deserve and how you will let them treat you. So why do we settle for less? Okay, let's have a look into it, shall we? Deep dive. First off, we have rose-tinted glasses, aka denial of reality. This will be

that you will only see what you want to see or how the person has convinced you that they are not the reality of who they are uh happened to me many many times before and i you hands up i'm putting my hands up in the studio here hands up i always was desperate for a partner desperate like I use the word desperate it's awful I was for a partner in my whole 20s and every time I saw someone on dating apps that I liked or in person I think I would half create a person in my head that they weren't I always had rose tinted glasses on and then I would put them on pedestals and find reasons to think they're fabulous and then of course cracks would show and it turns out they're not or you know it didn't even end up in a relationship I was used for sex for a few

months or whatever it was and then I'd see the reality only once you then are emotionally taken out of that situation do you look back and be like what the fuck was I thinking and so many of my exes bless you guys not even physically attractive enough and they treated me like shit and they were quite ugly or I went through my little modelizing phase when I was in London where I only dated the most insanely good looking men and I would then attract in my head attract attach in my head a personality that suits me that they're not example one model was flaky as fuck clearly not attachment material clearly not boyfriend material fun guy still really like the dude but no like is any sort of no in my head I was like

viewing him as this like oh my god you're incredible you're so funny I can like chill out with you without makeup on and I don't feel self-conscious and aren't you so great and just saw him through rose-tinted glasses not the kind of let's just fucking go kind of guy which he was so yeah I did that a lot and it's very hard to get out of that situation get out of your own head especially when you are in this weird desperate need to be in a relationship this takes me to my next point which is unhealthy attachment styles this idea is that another will make you whole um and you are less of a person on your own so i had an unhealthy attachment style um which of course like i had no idea at the time i didn't bother reading up any of this

so you kind of don't really realize but you have to start looking at patterns and yeah it will come to surface but this is just like I'm not whole until I'm in a relationship I am not whole someone else will complete me having a partner to love me and me love them is the ideal state and I'm not living in the ideal state until I have that that unhealthy attachment style will then make you see someone in the way you want and idolize them in your head because then that makes it okay that you're you know putting up with less than you deserve because at least that person's there and this is what I should have and I should be in a relationship so it kind of almost doesn't matter to you the level and quality of the relationship just the fact that

you have one and you will probably find if you're in this kind of mindset as well that you attach yourself to someone to people like very quickly and it's like you don't really even know this person ins and outs and you offer yourself freely everything I'll give you everything when you haven't even asked for anything back you haven't even set parameters of like what you would like from the relationship. It's all about what you can give them. The next point is you could be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Maybe your family only detail you as I get married, get married, find a happy partner, be happy, have a home. Maybe there's pressures there. Maybe you're in a relationship because you want constant access to sex. Maybe that's like purely

physical for you maybe you're in a relationship because um maybe you just got into one and it kind of just drifted too far and then the next thing you know it's like two or three years down the line you're like fuck this was not my original intention maybe you're in a relationship because the person's like very controlling and they've made you feel that there's no life without them you could be in a relationship for all the wrong reasons and therefore you're settling for less and what you deserve. This also goes on to age and social pressures, okay? So you could be in a relationship because you feel, well, I'm 50, you know, or I'm 30, or I'm 40, I'm past the 20s, I'm past the fun stage. You know, what do I do? I should be with someone by now. The social

pressures is ridiculous. I should be this, I should be that. Why am I not married? Then what you do is you cling on to the next available person that can fill that gap and make that kind of idyllic dream idea come true for you and they could be treating you like shit but you'd rather settle for less than what you deserve than say hey I'm fucking better off single fuck off and being single is okay that doesn't enter your mind you know that's an impossible situation like I'd rather be with this person and putting up with this than not at all and it is it sucks it's social pressures what should be what we should have by what time by what age you know I'm fucking 35 this year I'm not married soon to be of course um if you've all followed my journey um but that's

the first time in my life that I'm engaged to be married at 35 kids none do I want kids sure can I physically have kids yes but I've just chosen not to yet but I feel it I feel the pressure and I think that's why I stayed with my ex for so long as well because I thought I'm 29 I've just met someone he obviously loved by me and then I settled for way less than what I deserved because in my head the time frame fitted okay well I'm 30 at least I'm in a stable relationship at least I found someone who's you know happy to be with me from across the world and then when we eventually together everything fucking fell away and I saw the real person but I was too invested there and I'm like well I can't get out now and then what then I remember thinking then

I'll be 32 and alone and it was just an impossible idea in my head I'd rather have stayed with that can't then be on my own because what people think of a 32 year old single girl like oh looking back oh but honestly I even succumb to it um another reason why you settle for less my dear listeners is because perhaps you have an underlying need to fix broken people. This is very strong in empaths, such as moi, where you kind of hang on to this belief that you need to fix someone. And have you noticed that you attract all the fucking broken people? You're like a bacon for broken. I'm not saying weirdos. I'm not saying mental people, that's not, it's the broken people who are a little bit fucked seem

to come around you like moths to a flame. Because you give and give and give and give and give till you're spent. And they're like, take, take, take, thank you, take, take. Oh, she doesn't even ask for anything off me. She doesn't even give a shit. She lets me do what I want, say what I want, like anything and she'll still be there for me at the end of the day and then if you ever try to stand up for yourself or try to leave then they pull on the you know the heartstrings oh my god I'm like so broken and I don't know what I'm doing and I'm so sorry I treated you this way and it's because of my past and then you stay and you cuddle them and you're like it's okay I'll get you through it example I'd been with my ex for two months and uh he told his ex-wife he was still

in love with her behind my back yeah oh yeah still in love with you but I'm living with Nick's been with her two months right I found out and then that night he feigned a panic attack at my house because he knew I was prone to anxiety so that would tap into me feigned one on the floor and i ended up feeding him my dinner and making sure he's okay even though he just admitted to saying he was still in love with someone else i still then fed him and put him to bed yeah mark that's what empaths do narc seek you out honestly and that need to fix broken people is constant it's almost like if i fix you you will then adore me and love me forever you will appreciate me it's not something you actively think about it's a subconscious thing but you think yeah

I'm going to be appreciated forever so you sit there and you settle for less and less and less and then they get worse and worse and you still settle for less yeah and guess what no they never appreciate you because they never did nothing changes the only thing that's going to change is you fucking leaving moving on to my next point have you heard of the saying it's like a frog in boiling water horrible horrible isn't it uh but basically you put a frog please don't ever if like ever do this but apparently the myth says you put a frog in cold water and he'll sit there you bring it to boil. He'll sit there. You bring it to boil. We sit there. His body temperature adjusts to the water. Eventually he boils to death and never once tried to get out.

This is basically what happens in toxic relationships. You settle for less. They see you've settled for it. They get away with a bit. Then they push some more, push some more. By the time you're in it, deep in it, you don't even know you're being treated badly. you don't know or see it anymore that's why you're settling for less because you don't fucking know it's less you've got nothing else to go on anymore you're the frog my friend and that toxic relationship where there's someone who's taking the piss out of you it's the boiling water i'm sorry to say it happens to the best of us i've been there and you will be played and they trust me they know what they're doing they really do know what they're doing the way i try and think

about it and get myself out of it which was how I was dealing with it before is I was thinking if my best friend sat down and said to me oh my partner did this to me last night or my partner just said this or oh this has happened what would I say because we all seem to have all this amazing advice and ideas and and and boundaries for our friends and don't you dare put up with that you're amazing whatever but we don't have it on ourselves we really don't so if if my friend come to me and said oh you know i've just met a guy it's been two months he's moved into my house already because he didn't have anywhere to live but he's still in love with his ex-wife i'd be like fucking show him the door what are you doing well how much plainer does it have to be to you you know but for me to

tell myself that no no no i found all the other reasons why you know he didn't mean it and i believe the lies you come out with to cover it up and then i'm four and a half years fucking later i'm the frog and the water boiled me to death got that yet okay another reason why you settle for less is there's unresolved childhood issues in yourself yep not the other person this time it is you this usually stems from emotional needs not being met and or abuse in the home um yeah you just something it doesn't have to be this hugely traumatic experience but maybe something in your childhood has thus created and nurtured you to who you are now and you perhaps have i guess low self-esteem you have no boundaries for yourself

For instance, maybe someone when you grew up constantly told you you're selfish, you're selfish, you're selfish, you're selfish. Maybe that was like a narrative always played. So then what happens is when you become an adult, you go out of your way to try and prove that you're not selfish and you're so aware of it. I don't want to be selfish anymore. You then overgive and then you're the giver. And actually, maybe you weren't selfish.

Maybe you were just a kid and maybe you just had your needs that weren't met because the parent or the caregiver couldn't actually meet those needs for their own faults and their own issues not your fault of course you're just a kid but they see how like the spiral goes on so then if you have any of these that are unresolved you then really don't have an idea of what healthy love is maybe it's a divorced home maybe a parent left so then there's a fear of abandonment as well in there. And all of that messiness then leads to you seeking out unavailable love and latching on to people who are not available and trying your hardest to fix that person and not putting yourself first and having no boundaries on your own needs and

deserves and wants. And you settle for less, way less than what you deserve because you don't know what you deserve you got no boundaries nothing I used to say to my therapist if I get told someone loves me that's it that's all I got there's nothing below that I don't have any like okay so you love me but what do you bring to the table what about money what about security what about you know treating my animals with respect what what are you but nothing I had no boundaries it was like you love me call done whatever you want honestly that took like a good year and a half two years to get that out my system and it's messy and gross but you got to do it gotta fucking do it all right another reason that you stay in such a relationship where you're getting less than what you deserve

is also your ego and your pride. They come into play here as well. So perhaps, and I'm not ashamed to say I had that before when I was early 20s, perhaps you have an unhealthy attraction to someone turning you down. Your ego is like, what? What? You're turning me down. I don't think so, babe. Look at you. I don't think so. Then rather than just going, yeah, fuck off. You don't even know what you're missing out on you try harder well I will get you pride comes in like I'm gonna get you I'm going to get you and then there you are needing a relationship and working at it which doesn't it's not what you're doing it's your ego and pride just going look I refuse to be rejected not this relationship is shit and not giving me what I want every time someone pulls away from

you emotionally are you like then overcompensating trying really hard to get them back it's a whole push and pull game and you can get caught up in it and don't even realize you're being played and it's sad and it's painful and hindsight is 20 20 but don't stick around in unhealthy attraction because you refuse to accept any kind of rejection you know if this person is treating like crap fuck off i promise you you will get so much better i promise you i i will put my life savings on it and finally the final pointer for this is perhaps we all settle for less than what we deserve because we think that the only other fish in the sea are dark dark bottom feeders or dead you obviously had to stay in there's other fish in the sea there's loads of other fish in

the sea babe there are other fish in the sea leave them there are other fish right and then you look around you and you look on tinder and you're like have you seen the fucking state of these fish i don't want it what seas are you all fucking swimming in because the one i've got there is nothing so what you do is you then stick at what you've got because you're like well what the fuck else is there and this is why part of me hates dating apps because that it really amplifies on dating apps you end up oh god before I met my fiance the kind of men I was swiping to in Singapore and I remember saying to my mate like I won't touch them with a bodge pole in London but it's sort of like all I got it's like the lesser of two evils isn't it and even then I would be like

trying to be proactive and going on dates and they'll be like oh yeah no or like just fizzle out or whatsapp me and then leave it five weeks and whatsapp me and I remember one sent me countless photos of his cat right oh dating countless photos of his cats never asked me out it was this little video gamer attractive guy but never asked me out but would whatsapp me and like chat all day but I was like got to the point i was like dude are you are we gonna go on a date because you've been whatsapping me for three weeks now your cats look great i love cats don't get me wrong it's not negative but when are you gonna ask me out yeah it never happened yep he said something like oh i expected you lady folk to be put off or something if you know we're too forwards or

something really weird like that that's when i was like brush bye uh yeah last time i spoke to him but that that causes you to stick with the shit because you look around you're like well this is all i got what else is there and uh it sucks but unfortunately is another i laugh because you know god love us all we got what we got on it it's another reason why we stick for what we don't deserve in relationships because we don't see anything out there for us that's any better anyway I hope this has helped there are some deep deep things going on in this episode and I think if you resonate with some of this then you should definitely start doing some research and some work on yourself please know that we all deserve exactly what we put into our relationship

so if you are loving and you're giving and you are kind and you are loyal and you are honest you deserve all of that back times a thousand and I hope that my personal experience and life journey up until now is nothing but inspiring for you to realize that you can get there and it does happen but you have to wade through all that horrible messy stuff first and that is the end of this episode thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five star review. It helps other

people also find my podcast. For more awesome content and features to read, you can check out my website, sexandsingaporecity.com. That's sexandsingaporecity.com. I'm also on social media simply search at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a to find me don't be shy come say hi