Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Will I Ever Want Motherhood?

Episode Date: March 3, 2025

I'm 37 with no kids... THROUGH MY OWN CHOICE? I must be a broken woman.  Let's discuss, shall we? With love, Nixalina. ​For more awesome content to read including beauty, fashion or dating & love features, please do head over to my digital platform www.nixalina.com. Don't be shy, come say hai! Head over to my Instagram or Tiktok @nixalina to slide into my DMs.

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex, and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast, and I am Nixalina. Hi, it's Nixalina. Welcome back to another episode of me. This is a very interesting episode. Not covered it before. been wondering whether I should touch upon it or not and I decided tonight's the night I'm

gonna fucking do it it is called will I ever want motherhood now a reel of mine recently went viral was not my plan I was just dancing as one does you know in in a DJ rave club thing and living my life. And a lot of the comments that came in was about me being my age and no kids, right? From ugly, bald men across the globe, whatever. Now, what was interesting was this lack of kids running theme as a negative. And I thought this is what sparked this episode, but it's also something, you know, I talked about my egg freezing journey in season eight. If you haven't listened, please go back. I did some checkups and whatnot in Singers about freezing my eggs. Was it last year,

end of last year? And then I was going to explore the option. Now, I said I was going to explore the option. If you picked up on that, well done. I don't know if I'm ever going to be ready for motherhood. And I don't know if I want to go through the egg freezing process because I don't really know if I'm ever going to want to be a mom. Now, let's delve into my first into like my sexual relationship history as to where I've got to this angle of mindset. I am 37 and 38 in May. I know I look fantastic. Thank you for the compliments. But I've waited and waited and waited for my motherhood gene to kick in and it never kicked in so early 20s let's tell them that I was in and out of relationships in my 20s but I was career focused right super career focused I

went balls out on my brand I was so hyper sex in London city becoming an editor um going to press events just making a name for myself and it paid off big time and I was also a full-time editor as well as doing my own brand so I worked like I would be on a train a commuting train back from London back to my flat writing blogs on my website having spent all day on a laptop editing work like it was it was a lot I had no qualms about not wanting to have kids yet like that was it wasn't even a thing wasn't even like 20s kids no and I've not met a man either that I deemed worthy enough to be a father of my kids fast forward to my longest relationship which was four and a half years um I was pushing for

marriage and kids. Now, I don't know why I pushed that because deep down, I knew he wasn't a good father material because he already had a child that he wasn't a good father to, right? So I think I got very wrapped up in turning 30 and turning 30 and like, you must have kids, marriage, kids, marriage kids I got sucked into that societal norm and I'd also already like you know got the career success I'd moved to Singapore's an editor of a magazine here life's great time it's time but I never really sat down with myself and and thought do you really want to be a mother because it's life changing. Fast forward. And yeah, sorry, if you're not into if you're not into abortions, if you're anti-abortion, you're not my people anyway. I then got pregnant with

my fiance and he wanted to keep it. And I didn't. And I was 34. Now, the reason the age I am bringing the age in a lot to it because the body clock it matters females like reproductive system fair we all know we all know as with age your fertility decreases your ability to bounce back from birth decreases your risks of having issues with the birth increases so by 34 I was cornerstone like a geriatric mum I think 35 is still the the geriatric you're kind of you're in your oh this might be an issue age range it's bollocks in my opinion it's bollocks I'm not a doctor I'm not professional but fuck you right so at 34 I'm engaged I'm with a very well-off man who I loved and I did I loved him I loved him very much I'm in a beautiful penthouse

with him we got dog two cats I'm pregnant he wants me to keep it he wants to be a younger dad he was younger than me and I said no and I went through with a termination why did I say no it didn't feel right. I weren't ready. I weren't ready to be a mum. I didn't know him long enough to know he'd be a dad and there was a few signs popping up for me at the time where I thought I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure about this. I had reservations. I had gut instinct girls. Girls and guys. It was in there. It was deep in there and fucking lo and behold months months after my termination i did find out he'd already cheated so i ran a mile and what a great fucking life decision and i sit here often and i think i could have had

like a two two year old a three year old i could i i could have an attachment to him forever i don't hate him anymore um i've got no emotional attachment like i could sit with him and have a um but yeah I did I chose not to now listen god this is too much information fuck it my partner after that we uh we used protection it failed I got pregnant again yep so i was pregnant last year fucking hell think of that yeah january 20 yeah i was pregnant last year again and again i chose a termination i was 36 so that's a lot of tea spill it's very heavy if you are anti-abortion you're gonna hate my fucking guts and it's something I've chosen to live with the reason I said no the second time

was because we both weren't ready we had really good discussions about it and financially he was not in a good place so and I just weren't ready I just weren't ready i use protection people will you i don't know why my body seems to be insanely fertile but like it keeps happening i say it keeps happening it's twice i'm being dramatic but it was it shouldn't have happened okay and i'm like fuck and i both times i end up pregnant i can i can literally count down to that one night i know exactly what night it was I'm like how how one time really yep so uh yes second second termination I'm not proud of it but it is what it is and I'm going to be honest as always across the board I'm always honest you

know this I wasn't ready again 36 I'm still not ready okay and thank god I went through with that second decision because the monster that came out of the woodwork oh it would have been I would be in hell I'd be in living hell right now let me tell you that I do not regret either of those life decisions but what makes me laugh is that like people see me objectively on the internet like oh bless her 37 no kids oh boohoo no one wants to no bollocks they do well I'm the one that says no and honestly I might I just might say no forever I've always been a huge animal girl and you know I go and do my animal sanctuaries you know I I mean like if I could have five dogs 20 cats, an otter, a beaver, oh beavers are so cute, beavers are so cute, like go build your

little dam, block some water, cute, oh they're cute, I'm gonna have a tortoise, a cockatoo, I want it all, I want a pet raven, I, if I went and died living on an animal sanctuary, I'm died happy, really, genuinely it's my being with animals is is me I'm a fucking animal so I don't feel the need to I don't feel the need to to push myself to become a mom now listen am I ruling it out no were there moments where I thought about it yes But I don't know if you guys have watched the movie Eat, Pray, Love. It's iconic. I'm assuming lots more girls than guys have watched it.

That's just me being a stereotypical wanker. Apologies. Eat, Pray, Love. But the literary agent, who has a newborn, turns around to Elizabeth, the protagonist, and she says, Liz, having a baby is a bit like getting a face tattoo. You kind of need to be 100% committed. And that stuck with me. because it's so true. And I have my niece and my nephew, my sister. My sister's also a career

woman. We both grew up very career successful, very, very, both of us. And she's now a mother of two and I fucking love them to death. My niece and my nephew just bring so much light into my life. My best friend is a mother of twins and I love them to death. And I'm so good with children. It's not like I'm bad with kids. I don't sit there and hold it by its fucking bib as it swings in the air. No, I make such good connections with children and babies and all that jazz. But it's just whether I want to be a mum and I'm still not there and I turned 38 and it's just not kicking in for me. If anything, we're going right the other way, which makes sense, you know, genetically reproduces, I get it, I get it, we're going

right the other way. I have no idea if this is going to be something I will ever explore. And let me tell you, if I don't, I won't fucking regret it. Because I've had every opportunity to go down the motherhood road. And each time, I've declined. And each time it has been the biggest blessing I've ever, the best decision I've ever made was those two decisions. And that sounds awful, but it's facts. Not only do I not regret them, I am so thankful my gut instinct kicked in both times and went, nah, not right now. Maybe in a year, not right now. There was just something amiss. And yeah, hindsight showed me I was bang on the money both times don't regret it will not regret it if I choose not to have kids and honestly a part of

me goes you know what you could hit 40 41 and if you're not married or ever get a sperm donor get a surrogate I will probably freeze my eggs to be fair I probably will this year just for the peace of mind I think um yeah I've just got to get around to it you know I've got a going on. A lot going on. I'm moving home. I'm launching a novel. I'm opening another restaurant. I'm hopefully doing potentially possibly another podcast. I mean, there's a lot. There's a lot going on. But yes, I have no regrets. And I don't know. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever want motherhood. There you go. That's basically the cry. I could have done that in like one minute, couldn't i will i ever want motherhood today's episode don't know probably not the end

oh you guys love me you love my waffle i yap i yap yap yap yap anyway for everyone out there who is in the same boat 20s you don't have to you have to wait till 30s for the decision you could be early 20s and went not not becoming a mom and i've met men very recently even who are like, don't want to be a dad, don't want kids, don't want to be a dad. It's working both ways. This is a movement, people. It's a movement. If you don't want kids, you don't have kids, and you don't see them in the future, you are not abnormal. Please do not go around thinking there's something wrong with you because you've declined becoming a parent, okay? there isn't and it's a lot more common now than you think

very heavy topic and if you need me please for this one slide into my dms on instagram at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a and i will endeavor to share opinions thoughts and advice on this one But, yeah, I'm going with probably not. And do you know what? I'm all right with that. And that's the end of this episode. Thank you all for listening. And I will hopefully see you all next week.

Thanks for listening to the Can't Keep My Mouth Shut podcast. Produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina. I'm recorded in the Splice Car Studios in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps. Do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every Monday evening. Please do give me a five-star review. It helps other people also find my podcast. For more content and features to read, you can check out my website, nixalina.com. That's nixalina.com. I'm also on social media. simply search at Nixalina, N-I-X-A-L-I-M-A to find me. Don't be shy, come say hi.