Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Your Relationship Rule Book, Check Lists & Partner Stereotypes

Episode Date: June 7, 2021

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex in Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi, it's Nick Salina and welcome back to another episode of my podcast. How are y'all doing? I hope you had a great weekend. I hope whatever you've got planned this week is going to be super fun and exciting. This episode is called Relationship Rulebooks, Checklists and Partner Stereotypes.

Now, the reason I want to talk about this is because I believe, and having just experienced it very first time myself, we all have these checklists in our mind about the kind of partner we want to end up with. We have these ideas in our head about age, background, heritage, finances, appearance, profession. We have almost like our own relationship rulebook on who we want to end up with, who will be right for us. And we kind of stereotype the kind of partner that we want. Now, I think it's great to have these ideas and boundaries set in place for who you want to spend the rest of your life with, because it means, you know, you've kind of got to know yourself very well. And you're like, I don't like someone that believes in this.

I don't like someone that believes in that. For example, very easy scenario. I am a massive animal lover. If someone doesn't like animals, never going to want to be with him. Very hard and fast rule for me there, because it's going to be a huge clash. And also, I don't respect any human that doesn't have empathy for animals. It makes me think there's a problem there. You get me? So I think it's good to have such ideas and boundaries in place. But what I want to talk about today is when these checklists that you've created in your head and these partner stereotypes actually cause you more harm than good when you're looking for the soulmate and the final love of your life. So a little bit about me, I guess. I'm going to obviously tea spill

because that is what I do. So I met my partner organically through a friend and he is nothing like what I thought I would want to be with for the rest of my life. So for instance, I'm just going to rattle off a few ideas. I always said I fancied dark head man, always like dark head, dark haired, dark haired. I think somehow, weirdly, I must have connected dark hair with a strong sense of masculinity. I don't know. But he's got light hair and he's the most alpha masculine energy man I have ever met. It's ridiculous. Like he needs to have a fucking day off on that front. I've always said that I kind of wanted an older man, not like older than me as such, but someone in mid-30s because I assumed that they would have the same kind of maturity in life,

career, family goals that I'm at. You know, I think like I'm just stereotyping age, but I'd expected mid-30s, perhaps 40s for me, bearing in mind I'm 34. and I got a lot of feedback from people like my family my best friends like yeah you need an older man you need an older man my partner's 28 he's six years younger than me what the fuck like I never expected to end up with a late 20s guy when I'm 34 but his maturity level is a hundred times more than my ex who was 37 than guys that I've you know dated who are like 40s my friends are dating guys in their early 40s 43 44 they're acting more immature than my partner so I'm like fuck between the two of us you'd think I'm the young idiot and

he's like the older man. It's ridiculous. And he's actually six years younger. So that was a stereotype that I put in place that I kind of, you know, if I had kept to that, I wouldn't be with him, obviously. So I'd be too young. And yeah, I wouldn't be where I am now. I also decided many years ago that I wouldn't date a rich man because I had someone very wealthy when I was 21. This is the guy who the book novel Lolly is about. Still need to finish writing it. Don't judge me. I'm busy.

Okay. But yeah, he had a lot of money and he basically treated everything and everyone as if they were replaceable. I felt like I'd become a product or a commodity in his life. And when I got too emotional or things went sour or I wasn't playing ball, he could switch off and switch me out with someone else because everything can be bought, including women. So I was very much like not going to be of a wealthy man. That being said, my ex, when I met him, was broke as fuck, right? I almost went to an extreme, like really broke, wanting me to take his debt on my credit card.

what but yeah broke broke broke at the beginning I didn't mind I was like I don't give a shit about money so I would pay for everything and I would happily you know pay more rent or say hey you can come and live with me and don't pay because I never really saw money as an issue with love if someone doesn't have it like I don't want that to have a knock-on effect on how I see them as a person that being said I did get royally fucking frustrated with the fact that I paid for everything and then whenever he did have some money it went on him it wasn't about the money it was his mindset towards it and he had this overwhelming greed and obsession with becoming a millionaire like keep dreaming darling but yeah so after that I'm like I don't want a wealthy man but I also don't

really want a broke man like someone just you know who's who's got a half these like if you can pay your rent and your mobile phone bill I'm cool and some you know and some food then that's all I'm after that have been said my partner now is extremely wealthy right and I've made it very clear to him that I don't really like like it I'm not like most girls that vibe for a rich one um just because of the you know I got burnt before but actually he's so wealthy and so generous so so fucking generous with it and I've never felt more loved and cared for and protected than I have with him and all it happens to be is that the money helps I guess like fund the lifestyle that we have but it's scary right it's like for coming from my point of view he's from a

whole different world I'm like the stuff yeah it's fucking crazy but I yeah it goes against my own stereotype again I said I don't want a wealthy guy in my head and now I'm with one so meeting him has really made me look at and address what I would consider my personal relationship checklist rule books and stereotypes to the guy I want to be with he kind of breaks all the rules for me and yet i absolutely adore him and it's effortless and it's just sunshine every fucking day and yeah i kind of probably marry this man so this is what i want to talk about beyond my situation to just you know touch touch base with you guys that's i just think that we should go through a few of the things that we can put as checklists and stereotypes that actually hinder us so if we

start off with age if I had seen my partner on tinder I would have swiped left I would have gone 28 too young um not doesn't have dark hair done would assume a 28 year old would not be anywhere near my maturity level and he would probably still want to fuck around because I had this idea in my head that guys below 30 don't want to settle down actually he is way more into marriage and babies than I am. Like he's like, I'm in, I'm all in. And I'm like, well, you know, quite like my life as it is. So yeah, your age is a big one. I would like everyone to just bin that fucking checklist about the age of someone. Your age does not correspond to your level of maturity or where your heads at with regards to a future, to commit into a relationship, to wanting marriage, to wanting

children. Do not put an age label on the person you're going to be with. I really, really want that to just be shoved aside. There are men out there in their mid-40s who are way more immature, playing games fucking around ghosting women lying cheating then there is you know late 20 guys who are genuine kind and you know actually successful enough in their life where they're like yeah I'm ready to commit so scrap the age that's not even a black like a gray area for me it's super black and white age does not define love and the person's attribute or their soul that I feel like I have to add a little disclosure here that being said obviously there's age limits like underage which is illegal you know let's not venture down that fucking path I'm just talking

about what we put in our heads as to someone's level of maturity to settle down okay like if it's underage no no no no no no no no okay okay moving on appearance we all have an idea in our head this is the main one isn't it I want a man that's taller than me right let's call a spade a spade we all want a man that's fucking taller than us I want to wear my heels and I want a man that's big really big and strong makes me feel small and protected I mean yes my partner is six foot three so that one I kind of ticked the list but that wasn't like if he was six foot or five foot twelve would not have made much difference he's just fucking huge but that's like by and by do I ever see myself with a shorter guy no and that's still a stereotype I guess I'd have to get over

but it's it's something that we almost immediately like especially on dating apps it'll be if a guy says I'm five foot eight or five foot nine we're like nah and actually why not you know can you imagine if your potential soulmate bummed you off because you were too tall and he wanted women that were five foot two and you were five foot five or six that sucks but I get it like it's part of the appearance and also like it's just it's so superficial but you do think like I don't like you know guys with light hair or I don't like guys who are bald or I don't like guys with long hair or I don't like guys with facial hair or I don't like women with fake tits I don't like women who aren't blonde I don't like fake brightly colored haired women I mean we could go on right

I'm definitely not going to go on but appearance becomes such a stereotype in our heads and like we create our own rule book for the kind of person we think we should be with and often it's very much like it is a superficial thing like what's going to make me look good or what do I find attractive granted there is a large amount of needing to find that person attractive okay and that connection and that you know physical connection but with my current partner he you know he like I said he's got light hair um and he's the background's different which is what I'll come on to in a minute but I am so fucking attracted to him it's ridiculous like so attracted our tea spill I actually slept with him the first night I ever met him and I woke up the next day

like I do not do that I do not do that ever granted he turned up when I was probably like three or four bottles of champagne into a party but I yeah I woke up the next day like fuck fuck fuck and I kind of was like ready to can this as a drunken mistake like a drunken one-night stand broke my spell of having no sex okay whatever you know fuck it and then I went on a date with him And I was like, damn, now I understand why I slept with him. Because fuck, here for it. But yeah, before then, I was like, not bothered. Just probably, you know, got too drunk and got laid.

But yeah, I think we should open yourself up to, yes, you have to fancy that person. Yes, you have to find them physically attractive. But don't make your appearance checklist something so rigid that it potentially cuts out someone that actually could be amazing for you. Because I'm going to keep repeating this. If I saw him on Tinder, I would have swiped left. I promise you. And that's not because he's an ugly guy. He's absolutely not an ugly guy at all.

And it's not like I found out he's got money and was like staying or anything. He always says how much he loves that I never knew about the money when we first started hanging out and that I didn't even care if he like, you know, whatever job he did or if he was like broke or not. I was just there for him as a person. I think that's one of the reasons why he loves me so much. But yeah, I would have swiped left only because of my prerequisitions of what I should be with as a person. And if you're 28, no fucking chance. You know, you're going to play around or cheat on me or play me off with other women and you're not going to want to settle down or commit. Yeah, I just always saw myself with a dark haired guy and opposites happened. Apparently, here for it.

So the next thing I want to talk about is, well, I just touched upon finances and people message me a lot actually when I do a Q&A on Instagram about this topic. People that come from a different financial background. So extreme example, one of you's not got much money, one of you has got lots of money. Or one of you comes from a very wealthy background and a very wealthy upbringing and one of you doesn't. And is this a problem? Absolutely fucking not. Money should never have any implication on anything to do with love. My only thing I'd say about this is like I got fleeced in my last relationship because he was very manipulative and calculative and knew that I would always pay for the holidays if he said, oh, I can't afford it. I can't go because I was always so desperate

for him to come with me. I would always just drop all the checks. Right. But when he did get money, like I said, it would always be spent on himself and it'd be very surplus and he'd claim poverty and then spend $300 on a suit and just to look like a wanker for one night. I started to really realize that it was very much like his money was always on him and my money was on us. And even when he started earning some money, he refused to pay half the rent and told me I had to pay 60% and he only get to pay 40% because I earned more. And I still like just went along with it it was very odd like I don't know why I never actually stood up to this and refused but to not even offer to pay half rent like what yeah it was all very strange very odd human but

that's the only thing I'd say when it comes to finances is like it should always really be an equal measure with my partner it will never be an equal measure because of what he has but I'm very firm on when I pay so if we get a like a home delivery he'll like put it on my card I'm like absolutely not absolutely fucking not even though I know what he earns and he knows what I earn I refuse because that's not fair why should he always have to pay just because he has more money that's not cool it might this is my morals by the way and I know lots of women out there are like no man should always provide man should always look after me it's just not my background I'm like a hard-working kind of self-sufficient woman and I almost I feel weird

when I get treated like yeah it's a lot you know and I freak out a little bit and I'm like no please don't spend that money and please don't and or like we'll go on a staycation I'm like no it's too much money and he's like booked it shut up as long as you both contribute what you can and you both understand there is a different level in finances and you both happy with that then yeah as long as one of you is not like spending all your money on yourself and expecting the other one to pay for everything for both people then yeah don't I wouldn't even consider that a problem I do understand though that finances are an issue and I get that's why everyone's messaged me about it because since I met my partner I've had many many negative opinions about his wealth and it's

fucking weird like I can't get my head around it but for some reason people have an issue with the money he has and it just it's because it became a big problem it's very strange so yeah I do understand where you're coming from but from my point of view once again finances like age like just shouldn't come into it when it comes to love or really really don't think so the same goes for profession which is another thing when it comes to you know do you need to be in the profession the same profession as each other no why would you do that like I'm a personal trainer and I only date personal trainers I'm a hairdresser and I only date hairdressers or you know I'm in the finance industry so I only date people in the industry like yeah no need well fuck that honestly

I'm very much heroing opposites attract anyway so if you're like working in the corporate world that your missus is a dog walker great do not worry about profession we have these stereotypes in our head as well about the partner we want like I want my partner to wear a suit every day and work in the city. Or I want my partner to be a surfer type and hang out at East Coast and, you know, be very chill. I want my partner to be fit, very athletic, work at a gym. I want my partner to be very intelligent. Like I want my partner to be in a job that's only Monday to Friday. Just stuff like this that you don't realise is actually going on sometimes subconsciously about the stereotyping your future partner and you're probably just doing yourself a disservice

honestly you really are I'm happy to share that my partner is a broker never ever thought I'd end up with a broker like I was like oh too stiff too corporate but this is all wrong by the way I'm not proud of it these are the stuff that's going on in my head and lo and behold he's the most chilled kind man ever but I was like broker obsessive money selfish like shouty aggressive no actually not and there are a couple of brokers that I know as well and they're like sweethearts so massive big fuck up from me making such stereotypes and the final one I want to touch on is background slash heritage this is also coming up a lot in my Q&A's about your partner's background and heritage I am going to do a whole other podcast on this and I'm going to if I can

bring someone in and interview someone who is in I guess an interracial relationship with people from very different backgrounds that will include culture religion you know I think that's beyond race I don't think skin color is even a fucking thing but if you're going down the culture religious route then yes that's definitely a discussion as for me this is gonna sound awful right but I never saw myself with an Australian I used to be like oh no like there's certain accents I like you know I love the Irish accent do you see I went Irish then a little bit you like that I love the Irish accent um I like Italian Italian accents stop the French I quite like as well it's very sexy so I had all these like accents in my head I never put an Australian

accent up there with one that I like yeah fuck his accent just I love I love it I love listening to him speak it's very like smoky and deep and sensual like nothing like what I had in my head as what an Australian man sounds like so I all never saw myself with someone from Australia or like his background at all and yet fucking love it I hear for it and I feel like once again that would be a stereotype like once again if I saw him on a dating app and it said Australian I'd be like no very weird to actually even say this out loud because I realize how badly I had such negative checklists against myself and who I'd end up with and I feel like when you do all of this all of the above, when you blacklist certain types, when you stereotype exactly what you want down to these

levels of accents and age and profession and career, then you're actually hindering yourself and the potential to meet someone fucking amazing. Absolutely amazing. And I can say that with my whole heart because I've gone through it in the last couple of months and I still pinch myself like that I even have him I'm just wake up every day like it feels like it's not reality you know it's so incredible and especially when we're meeting people on dating apps like I said I met him organically and I understand that that's just luck of the draw honestly it is and I never had planned for him or anything but when we use dating apps like I was on them for the last six months we do probably hinder ourselves in the potential of meeting someone incredible because we have our

own relationship rulebook, checklists, and partner stereotypes. So I'm here to say, bin all of those, burn that bloody rulebook, rip up that checklist, and scrap the partner stereotypes and open yourself up to the possibility that the person that you will be with and the person that compliments you in every possible way is nothing like what you thought you would end up in you know there's that saying goes like we all know what we want but we never really know what we need and you're all out there and the way I was as well looking at what I wanted but never took the time to realize actually what I need and only when you find it do you realize yeah fuck this is actually what I needed so yes that is the end of this episode I hope it has helped and given you

all hope if you're on a search for your partner and I hope you do take my advice and as always any further questions or comments please dm me at nixalina n-i-x-a-l-i-n-a thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me nick selena and recorded at the splice car studio in singapore i'm available to listen to on spotify apple podcasts google and all major podcast listening apps do subscribe to enjoy a new episode every monday evening please do give me a five-star review it helps other people also find my podcast for more awesome content and features to read you can check out my website sex and singaporecity.com that's sex and singaporecity.com i'm also on social media simply search at nick

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