Can't Keep My Mouth Shut - Zombies - The Dead Don't Stay Buried

Episode Date: August 30, 2021

Why don't the dead just stay buried? Tonight we're talking about the dating phenomenon of ZOMBIES - these people are the ones that previously ghosted you, only to return out of the blue, usually once you've finally got over them. Zombies need to just stay goddamn buried in the past where you left them, okay? 

This podcast contains strong language and discussions about relationships, sex and love. It may not be suitable for younger listeners. This is the Sex and Singapore City podcast and I am Nick Salina. Hi everyone. Happy Monday evening. Thank you for joining me for tonight's episode. this was a request from one of my dearest listeners they sent me a dma on instagram and i was like girl i got you this is called zombies the dead don't stay buried what is a zombie nick selena why are you talking about like horror movie shit on your podcast chill for a second let me fill you in if you haven't heard of the word zombie or zombie in

when it comes to dating this is it zombies are people that ghost you okay then after time passed could be a couple of weeks could be a few months they suddenly come back from the dead and hit you up again. It could be they call you out the blue or they drop a casual like on one of your Insta photos or they slide into your DMs or they like your TikTok video or they WhatsApp you. Hey, hey. It's always just like that. Hey, hi. What you up to? As if nothing fucking happened. To ghost you, okay, we're going to take a back step for those who don't know that. That's when you're dating someone or casual, whatever. Perhaps you've been on a few dates. Perhaps you're in a relationship. I have done a whole episode on ghosting. Please go and

find it. It's very informative. You get ghosted when they just suddenly disappear. And you're like, what? One minute, text, text, text, call, call, calls. Perhaps you're even fucking or whatever, dating, great. You're like, oh my God, I'm excited about this person. And then nothing they don't answer your calls anymore they don't answer your texts anymore they leave you on a blue tick on whatsapp they don't fucking look at your shit anymore and you're like what have i done it's extremely upsetting it's very cruel it's very odd to me and if you have listened to my other episode about ghosting it really hurts my heart because it really causes There's a lot of problems to the person who's been ghosted because they internalize it all, of course.

And it's like, what have I done wrong? What have I done wrong? We rarely go, you're the one, you know, you're the cunt that ghosted me. It's always like, oh, I fucked up. Maybe he didn't like me after a while, you know. So the zombies are those fuckers that ghosted you that come back from the fucking dead and drop in a, hey, what? As if nothing ever happened. zombies can come back like months and years later by the way it can be i've honestly always said

on repeat every guy that i dated especially in my 20s even if they would like say i'm mental whatever bro anything like really degraded me not like you i don't want a relationship with you even if they walked out like no i don't want commitment you're too much whatever they would always come back I didn't realize at the time I was dealing with zombies but that's what I was dealing with about six months later the average was six months of complete silence disappear and one of them as an example for you I dated him for three months he was at my flat three or four times a week I really liked this guy he met my friends we would go out together sex was great um in fact I think he was there the day I moved into my flat to help me and stuff

and then he was like oh can't do commitment and like 1am got out of bed out of my bed and just left I was so fucking hurt because I in my head like this was like boyfriend like I'd been with him for three months and it was constant you know and that was it done really really hurt By the time I got over it, so this particular boy, he zombied back in about a year later and it was Christmas Eve. We were out and he saw me out and then just basically wouldn't leave me alone. And then the texting started and I was just like, yeah, it's just not OK because I spent so long getting over him. I don't want him back on my case again. so I think this is pretty topical as well because it seems to have been like zombies seem to have

been resurrected more because of the pandemic as well I feel like people are recycling old people or people are stuck and bored at home or getting you know getting lonely and feeling oh I just want to shag or whatever it is for some reason zombies have definitely come back in full force like walking dead since the pandemic so to make a clear clarification before we move on ghosting is when they vanish and never come back that's it done zombies is when you got ghosted and then they come back okay if you heard of the term bread crumbing you're like what the fuck is this episode next breadcrumb in is also different to zombie so breadcrumb in is when they like drop you you know a cheeky little like on your install like low on your stories or maybe a

little emoji on your tiktok video anything like that not actually texting you directly not messaging you and saying hey how are you what are you up to how's things with you not that just these random keeping fingers in pies kind of vibe dropping little breadcrumbs just making sure you know they're still there oh you're making sure you're still on the peripheral for them if they ever need you okay that's breadcrumbing because there's no actual initiation of hanging out or direct conversation with you you know actually giving a shit if they do that if it's the hangout hey how are you I was wondering if you want to grab a coffee hey how are you what are you up to like fill me in that's zombie land okay here's the question how do you deal with zombies what do you

do do you give them the second chance I know you want me to give you a black and white answer yes or no it's really hard because sometimes I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt here sometimes people zombie because they're not actually ready for anything serious at the time perhaps they are confused and there may be other people around other women or men that they're dating perhaps they ghost and then zombie because they didn't realize at the time actually how much they liked you now we always live in this world where we don't know what we got till it's gone it's sadly fucking true so for me sometimes zombies don't stay buried because actually what happened is is they ghosted you because they were dealing with some shit they didn't

realize actually the connection you had they probably didn't appreciate it and that silence time that disappearing act actually made them realize like fuck i actually really miss her it's been three months or six months and she was fucking cool. And maybe I've dated other women and they're not the same. And I actually didn't realize how lovely she was until I've dated other people. So in that case, the zombie could be a positive thing for you. It could be someone that's gone. I've kind of realized your worth and I'm fucking sorry. So, yes, on that level, I'd say if you really like them and you felt the connection to, yeah, you should give them a second chance. It's highly unlikely. The majority is they're probably chasing a booty call. They're

probably bored they're probably up doing this to other women or men i know guys i know gender i just always talk about it from my point of view sorry not fucking sorry um but there might be you know other women flying around you might be one of many people they're zombying and i think that's what you really it's got to be case by case but i think what you've got to do is work out how secure you feel in this resurrection do you feel that they are into you specifically or do you feel that they just want some attention from anyone who responds I also want you to stay aware of red flags I know it's fucking hard to see red flags I know this because even when I was 29 I ignored every red flag on the planet and got seriously fucked for four years.

So I get it. But I don't want that high of getting attention back again from someone you really liked, that little hit of dopamine. I don't want that to override red flags for you. keep your eyes ears heart everything open and understand that they did ghost you you can't have a zombie without a ghost okay so this person didn't sit you down and say do you know what I've loved a few weeks I've loved a few months I've loved the year but I actually can't do this anymore i've got my own problems i'm going through or i don't know if we're a match and i'm so sorry

but it's the end they didn't fucking do that they ghosted you they just disappeared so you've got to really think about that person's mentality and honestly if it was me with every zombie i'd be concerned that i'm gonna get ghosted again i'm like what i can't trust you to hang around longer within three months because you might fucking disappear again and it was really painful the first time you know so i like where you like how do you trust that the zombie is back for good i think it comes down to how they handle it if there's apology if there's a sincere fucking apology if there is a reason why they ghosted you if there is an explanation to it if they're just genuinely honest and say do you know what I fucked up I didn't actually appreciate

you back then um yeah okay or I was dating someone else or it wasn't it was an overlap with someone else and it was a bit messy and I just didn't want to get anyone else involved and I was a bit of a coward and I didn't know how to end it and I didn't want to hurt you and I'm all I've done is hurt you anymore if there's a sincere conversation and apology that's when I'm like okay cool I think it's okay to go down this life right nine times out of ten nine and a half time nine and three mostly it this isn't the case and I think the major red flag is being ghosted in the first place that's number one done and I think anyone that can shut off and shut down like that has it in them to do it again and you've got to feel secure and trustworthy in that relationship

if it becomes one that that's not going to happen again but can I just say should you want the zombie back for some fun yourself hallelujah girl go for it just because they come back like oh i really like you wherever now if you want to have fun you want to have sex you're like well this person was a great shag we had a good connection i haven't had sex for five months or whatever here they are if you're in control in that way emotionally stable in that way yeah why the fuck not fuck it literally fuck it just be aware of what you're doing and be understanding of what you want from it and never forget that they ghosted you in the first place what I will go back to and say I'm going to circle

back to my main point is yes every guy in my 20s has always come back always always always always hit me up again and half the time they wanted a proper relationship the second time around and I just didn't fancy them anymore I just didn't weren't attracted um but it just seemed to be a common thing like I always was like lamenting about it like why don't these guys like me when I like them because anytime you come back in my life when the zombie came out from the earth and come back and stalk me I don't fancy you anymore oh or I'm dating someone now like even recently I had someone who ignored me for weeks I really wanted to go on a date with him right this was after my breakup with my ex I wanted to go on a date this guy good looking guy

I felt there was a vibe then there'd be like a three or four week gap of no communication and then there would be a drop of whatsapp and then we'd talk and then I'm like okay let's go for beers let's go for beers let's go for beers I just really wanted to meet him and he was definitely my vibe he was definitely my style as well on insta like very much insta chatting liking each other's shit watching each other's shit but i never actually met him and then i asked him i think we're like the third time for beers like dude let's go i think it was a four week silence he read that nothing nothing i was like oh well that's a fucking disappointment anyway obviously I meet the love of my life and always well the guy

finally texts me back yeah it's been no it was over it was actually over four weeks it was over a month I think the total the last one was a six week no contact finally text me back it was like hey cool like back on the vibe of drinking um super free to hang out like whenever you want beers and I'm like bro I haven't heard from you since March I'm now in a relationship like I've met someone too late too fucking late and yeah and then when I said that like you know I'm like cool to hang out with him I'd love to hang out with him I think we get on really well but as a friend because I'm now in a relationship and then he read that and just never responded again what you've left it over a month to reply to like the third time i fucking asked for bees

and then when i'm like oh hey buddy had you with someone now but like would be cool to chill then even then i don't even get a polite reply what but he also looks at all my shit i just don't get it that's like probably the closest i've had to a recent zombie vibe but i like luckily obviously met someone and I just wasn't chasing I just yeah I'm like okay if you if someone doesn't text me back for over a month right that's an out for me even three weeks if you've read my text and you don't respond and you just don't say a word but you're also obviously on social media at the time now I'm out I'm out not interested so when you're dealing with zombies this is like the kind of I guess pinnacle idea you need to have is your own boundary on what

you're willing to accept or not. And if you're like me and you're like, you know, I like the communication. I like to feel I'm secure. I like to feel like I know where I stand. Then, yeah, no, it's not OK. And they got to fucking go. You need to bury the dead, people. Bury the fucking dead. I hope this episode has helped. I understand there's lots of grey areas and I've given like yes it could work no it couldn't but yes it could it has to be that way because it is case by case at this point and only if you feel the zombie has really explained themselves has really tried is actually very different in a vibe and you know has given you the apology for ghosting you then yes of course you can try you can also date them for fun if

that's what pleases you and that's where your head's at you know you're allowed to be in the driving seats too you know it's like it's not all up to them but generally i think probably better to let the dead stay buried my opinion and that is the end of this episode thanks for listening everyone thanks for listening to the sex and singapore city podcast this episode was produced and hosted by me, Nick Salina, and recorded at the Splice Car Studio in Singapore. I'm available to listen to on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google and all major podcast listening apps.

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