Chubby Behemoth - 3 Active Doughboys

Episode Date: March 4, 2021

Wishing Real Hard. Greeley Chain Gang. Shake Hands With Beef.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey everybody. What up, dude? Hey. How's George Mike? He's good. You just missed him. I showed Jake his groomed ass. He's got real short hair.

Oh, good. I like when George Michael's looking nice. Yeah, Gordy's the name of your dog. George Michael is the name of my dog. Yeah, but I mean, you got george michael the copy gordy so it's kind of like without gordy being named gordy george michael would never had a name he would have just been in that puppy mill in thornton eating other dogs shit drinking their piss yeah he got rescued from albuquerqueordy got rescued from Ottawa, Windsor, Ontario, Canada, actually.

Yeah, I'm sure Bichon Poodle needed to be rescued from certain death. Oh, for sure. He's from a puppy mill for sure. What do you think? He loves doing push-ups and smoking cigarettes. Yeah, he doesn't trust humans because he was trafficked yeah whatever across across national borders i mean whenever a fire alarm goes off or like when the smoke detector goes off he's totally ruined for two hours because i think that he survived some kind of puppy mill riot

where you know the other puppies were like fucking the guards with broomsticks and stuff and it just takes him back to that time you know that troubled time when, the other puppies were like fucking the guards with broomsticks and stuff. And it just takes them back to that time, you know, that troubled time when all the other puppies cut the heads off of the warden puppy. Rise up. Yeah, exactly. But you saved your dog from Albuquerque. Well, no, there was a there's like there was like a group in colorado that went and rescued him brought him up to arvada and then megan's parents got him they went and looked at puppies or i think megan's mom had an alert for like terriers at that uh rescue shelter and so they

sent her an email and so they went to just check them out i guess it was such a weird move because we had not said anything to them about wanting a dog they just they went for it and they lucked out because we had megan and i had talked about it we just hadn't mentioned it to them but we were like yeah maybe we'll get a dog and then all of a sudden we had one and it was uh i was in casey wyoming for a show that brett crandall and aaron snyder uh did a show there the year before the dream team yeah the three of us two and a half men dude old snyder the only unsuccessful cerebri palsy comic cerebral palsy comic yeah that's the name of my other dog and he still couldn't get rich he had a hook literally his arm was hooked yeah uh they were like oh yeah we did a show here

last saint patrick's day it was the shit they were like come back, yeah, we did a show here last St. Patrick's Day. It was the shit. They were like, come back. Well, yeah, they had a great time. And then so we go up there the following St. Patrick's Day weekend. And it was awful. They a bunch of people didn't show up for the show. They showed up like, you know, during or right after.

And they all started getting wasted. We had a good time after the after the show was over. We a good time yeah you were playing spin the snyder whichever his foot pointed to you had to kiss him that's the thing about like bad comics is their barometer for what a good show is is so much lower than what like good comics barometer is like i'm sure they had a great time up there because they quit they ran out of batteries halfway through the show and they couldn't throw them at him anymore you know yeah their arms got tired it was a blast man we had you know we split two and a half hours and uh we just got 100 bucks we gotta sleep in the owner's car it was sick i uh i did those um moose lundstrom is that his name?

I did those shows Fort Morgan and Sterling with Brett Crandall and Eugene Kenny and Brett did a good job he had a good set and we were co-featuring so we each did like 20 or 25 you got buried by Crandall?

no I did not say that I did a good job too but he did a good job and I kind of felt bad for him because we've talked about how some comics never do well and then they have a chip on their shoulder. I saw him do a good job. He had a good set. People liked him. But then, you know, he wasn't going to crush in, you know,

downtown comedy works. I don't think. Maybe on a Tuesday he could have a good set. Anywhere where you can't say the N-word crandall's not gonna slam dunk he uh he grew up in the foster system and he had some fun stories and i don't know i i liked crandall i'm making fun of him but i liked him too right he would he was easy to talk to and yeah fun crandall yeah that show at the East Coast, he did a good job with that.

It was arguably the best show in Colorado for like six months. That show fucking rocked. That guy, Billy, that madman Billy who ran that show, who's for sure in witness protection, he was cool. He had a microphone.

If anyone would heckle you, he'd be like, shut up, you bitch. Shut up. I'll cut you. I'll give you a Manchester smile. Shut up. And he'd be like, up you bitch shut up i'll cut you i'll give you a manchester smile shut up and he'd be like back to the show take it away t that was where i used to do some of your uh your patented uh standing up and going into the crowd some of the craziest most insane sets i ever had were at the east coast bar because i felt protected by billy

and crandall kept that fang on him. So if anyone was going to fuck with me, he was strapped. Exactly. That bartender was a big intimidating guy too. I can't remember his name, but he was cool. That whole room just ruled.

I had some insane sets. I had sex in that bathroom twice. I married a couple. a couple was there and they were like that was the best show we've ever seen and they locked us in and at 3 a.m i fucking performed a strange ritual of marriage for them and they all cried i was crying i mean i loved that show i love crandall crandall rocks nice yeah we had a good time. It was a struggle. So I'm in. Oh, yeah. So I did those shows with Eugene and Brett.

Yeah. Fort Morgan and Sterling. Eugene, who doesn't blink. He just has that. It's like his smile. If he's smiling, his eyes can't shut and he's always smiling. Eugene is a talented weedsman because he was driving and he had his little like you know army footlocker you know on his lap and he had his whole spread and he was rolling joints while he was driving damn one-handed yeah we were smoking and uh smoked in the hotel you know he

was like I've been doing this you know I smoke weed whenever I want and I was like hell yeah so the three of us had a good time though you know those shows were good we had uh in sterling the host was a like a morning radio guy i can't remember if i've said this on a pod before but this fucking guy sees me you know i'm wearing my dad's bus driver shirts this was the bus driver uh those are good shirts that blue silk one yeah they were light uh i liked them yeah i was wearing that and this fucker goes whoa hey looks like you're uh working at the prison out there or maybe you're on the other side of the bars you know what i'm saying he's just riffing on me busting my balls as soon as we get into the venue i was like hi uh i'm nathan i'm on the show you know your shirt doesn't

say nathan i'm gonna call you rick well yeah i doesn't say Nathan. I'm going to call you Rick. Well, yeah, it didn't say Rick either, but he was off to the races, man. He's like, whoa, hey. You look like a prison ne'er-do-well. What's this guy's deal? He's black or something? Oh, God. Just riffing hard as soon as I walk up he plays eugene's head like a bongo

he was on till the break of dawn and then you know of course like all fucking radio djs did a shit job he was up there for like two minutes you know yeah yeah like couldn't couldn't be up there for long enough to you know get any momentum or even you know just fill up enough time for people to like sit down and get a get a drink order in and uh so yeah i ripped on him pretty good and then never did that show again well uh you didn't miss out well no, the Fort Morgan one was a fun show. Was that the one that had the picnic tables? No. One was in the Clarion Hotel.

It was attached to the hotel, right? Yeah, that was Fort Morgan. Yeah, and then Sterling was a picnic table situation. And that was when I was in that phase where I was out walking on people's tables. Yeah. And I just remember there's a very historic photo of me screaming at an old woman standing with my foot in her mashed potatoes because that was one of those gigs where they had like, you know,

it's like, come early. It's all you can eat beef tenderloins, a $50 ticket. You know, the headliner makes $38. It's all sold out, of course. Right. Yeah. There were some people making a good amount of money on those shows. Some people.

It was Moose and Aaron Vokey or Adam Vock. It wasn't the comics is what I was going to say. That's where I had my infamous rendezvous with a certain alt-right celebrity. What? Remember? No, that's why I said what? I'll write it down and show it to you uh oh you fucked milo yiannopoulos in a bit that's right sterling she was uh we were on the road it was me and her

i got you i got you steve young and i love steve young but a man couldn't be more square you know he's got 12 kids every time he's at a show it's like his one reprieve from all the crushing responsibilities of his life ex-mormon yeah yeah steve rocks he has that gil energy from the simpsons though yeah like oh this is my shot this is the big one this i'm in sterling colorado this is gonna turn my entire career around this is the fulcrum on which the rest of my career lies it's all on the line tonight i've got one hand on the on which the rest of my career lies. It's all on the line tonight. I've got one hand on the cliff and the rest in the grave, but I can pull myself back up.

It's Steve's time to shine. Again, I like Steve a lot, but the first night we were partying, having fun. Steve's one of the boys, you know. I thought I'm out of shotgun of beer. Second night. And, you know, me and the uh the other comedian were there's there's there's strange brews uh going on you know it didn't make any sense on the second night we drive

back after the show and we're like all shit-faced except for steve and steve's like hey i'm gonna grab a six-pack i'll come hang out with you guys and we were i was like yeah cool steve get that six pack and then i have my uh you know me and the other comedian are engaged in the the human act of love making he was out front knocking on the door like god hey guys i picked up some uh rodney carrington tapes at the truck stop let's all dance till dawn and i'm like beat it steve get out of here let's read one another's joke books and see if there isn't any gold in them their hills yeah why don't you guys tag my bits and i'm like i'm tagging a couple bits in here right now steve yeah so then i remember the next morning when i when i left uh that ill-fated rendezvous i went outside and

there was uh there was a six pack of Coors Banquets in front of the door and a bag of chips. Why did he leave them? I don't know dude but it broke my heart. It shattered me. I don't know why I felt so bad probably because I was hung over and I just made a grave mistake but... I'm sure it was not a mistake didn't feel like a mistake oh no it rocked it rocked and rolled uh we learned a lot from each other that evening and then uh she like hurt her ankle really bad so i had to drive her to the hospital that day she hurt her ankle climbing off of your ass yeah climbing out of my ass. And Steve was disgusted with the whole situation

because he's happily married. Disgusted with just premarital sex? I don't know, dude, but it was a bad vibe. We went from having a really good time, hey, we're all going to live forever, to the next day, I was like, hey, Steve, can I borrow your truck? I've got to drive her to the hospital. And he was like,

oh, sure, take whatever you need like smiling and i was like oh crap fun show though yeah yeah i remember she said to me she she instigated the whole thing because we smooshed a little at the bar and i was like well this is weird we can't do this in public and then uh yeah your reputation was on the line. No, not that, but it felt strange. I'd known her forever. We'd been friends forever. Since we started. It'd been like seven years

since the last time she wrote a joke. Come on, we're having fun. I laughed. I know. Becker gave me a face. I'm trying to figure out who it is. Oh, I'll text you the group chat or you could just say it and we can no no no no no we can edit it out

no no no no no yeah alright okay so Becker that's not true obviously you're the dumbest person I've ever met you're the dumbest person alive you're acting like there isn't like like this is a live fucking stream okay well becker make a note of it right there

i have it i have it sam's afraid of being sued for some reason but anyway we were in bed uh and she was like sam am i giving you a boner and i said said, you wish. And she said, do I? And then we hopped on each other and rutted like hogs. Yeah, that's great. Pretty wild time, man. But she was injured too. It was Buechle.

You wish. So those shows, no, you wish. Remember Greeley? When you were wishing real hard? I was manic. Yeah, you were. Remember Greeley? You were wishing real hard. I was manic. Yeah, you were.

I stayed up till like four in the morning with her old roommate. We were at her former place, right? So I think it was an old roommate of hers. She was a dancer. She was very cute. And we were talking and

I think she was with somebody. So there wasn't I was like, listen, I don't care. We can stay up talking. And we were talking and I, she, I think she was with somebody. So there wasn't, I was like, listen, I don't care. We can stay up talking. And we talked about like stripping the tool or whatever. She was a stripper. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. And I was like, yeah, I haven't been sleeping much. I think it was before I realized I was manic. So I, uh, was just like, yeah, I'm going to stay up late. And she was like, I stay up late too. uh was just like yeah i'm gonna stay up late and she was like i stay up late too and so we had a good talk i mean it was a nice time i remember that was the first glimpse of the madness that was coming was that weekend i think i climbed a tree that weekend because like the down under shows were not great yeah it was the down under well there were like three good

shows there and everybody was like oh shit we have a new spot you know like a road gig how's the kevin bennett built it's just like an hour north you know so it's uh you know a nice drive you know don't have to go too far to get a decent payday but yeah very quickly they just booked whoever and so yeah it was all kevin bennett and dickie bill wagner and it was oh it sucks now dickie bill man yeah that him and kevin bennett and like who else uh toby that was crandall was i think they were in a they were doing like a band oh jace captain jason yeah captain jason they were they were doing like an hour and a half long musical improv jam session. In Greeley, behind a Safeway in a strip mall in Greeley.

Like twice a week. It's not a place where art goes to blossom, you know? You can't really push the boundaries of the crowd there with musical improv. Kevin Bennett's on the keys before the show. Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. And then Captain Jason's trying to fuck everyone's wife. Remember Captain Jason?

He took care of mentally handicapped people. That sounds right. Yeah, so he would bring his lieges. He would pad the room. His stewards. Yeah, he would. So he'd just be in there with three guys who were barking at every joke. And you're like, I'm killing.

And then you find out afterward that there were three adults who were barking at every joke and you're like i'm killing and then you find out afterward that there were like three adults who live in a group home there was one i think his name was scooter who he would bring to his shows and scooter like laughed really funny and he realized that people were laughing whenever he would laugh so he would just start laughing in the middle of your setup and like look around like is it it working? It was a nightmare. Give it up for Scooter. Let's hear it one more time. One more time for Scooter.

The man you came to see, Scooter. And then Jason would lock him in the bathroom and cash the government checks. Captain Jason wore a bowler hat. He looked like an extra from a pickup artist movie like one of the guys who never got his book published but like you know

did pretty well in east cleveland he saw the pirate guy in dodgeball and he was like all right there's something there there was there was like two pirate comedians at one time in Greeley. It was French accent and Captain Jason. We're both doing pirate stuff. I think Captain Jason. I mean, obviously the captain part makes you think pirate. But I don't think he was doing a pirate thing, was he? His name was Captain Jason. It was CPNJSN.

That was his stage name. something like that oh it's j.sin is what jason man there was so like a backyard wrestler how many angles do you need he had funny mustache top hat like wallet chain man crandall was a wallet chain guy yeah but he earned it chain gang the greeley chain gang comedian power hour hell yeah what would kevin bennett always say be like hey how you doing he'd be like oh he's having fun staying groovy it's like jesus christ how homeschooled were you and did he he had a catchphrase off He had a go-to every time. I don't remember. I remember that show in Fort Collins at the big brewery

where they had like 1,000 beers on tap, and then you performed in a corner of that giant room. Yeah. What the fuck's the name of that place? There's a guy who sells awesome candles who lives right behind there that was where you got the mayor and weed out of the mayor of fort collins right i think yeah the mayor sounds right yeah uh i like ate shit there and then kevin bennett destroyed and i was like all right fuck this whole town

that was a i i had had a good set or two there, and then Kevin Bennett got to shine, and I was like, all right, maybe I don't come up here anymore. Yeah. I got to focus on Greeley now. Yeah, Greeley's my market. I'm more of a swashbuckling comedian. Back to the East Coast with my shit.

I got busted smoking weed have an apple i think i think you might have been outside of the mayor i i thought that you were in fort collins and i thought that we had talked i think we smoked weed out of an apple outside of that show that was my thing for a long time yeah uh but yeah maybe not there was like you know there was an alley right there and so oh yeah was that where that no friend bit came from i think so i think you're right yeah and then 10 years later you're living up there you are the mayor of fort collins now i am man i'm i'm uh i mean i i'm having fun up here dude it is so funny that kevin bennett took colorado comedy by storm for a minute. If you guys don't know who we're talking about,

Google French accent and watch his America's Got Talent clip, which is the most frustrating thing in the history of modern comedy. Nothing has been so upsetting in comedy since people quit using blackface. You know what I mean? It was like blackface was the worst thing to happen to comedy and then it was kevin bennett's act yeah it was really uh angering perplexing yeah howie mandel's in there like what's happening like how he's like having a stroke on tv i how he was like how we do that? Yeah. Kevin blew up a glove with his ass. How we do that?

God, Kevin. That hurts so good. Yeah, I mean, it's just like, why are we even trying? Like, what are we working so hard at to be creative and like, you know, showing ingenuity when it comes to figuring out new ways to do comedy? when it comes to figuring out new ways to do comedy. When Kevin Bennett's playing a fucking accordion, wearing an eyepatch and a beret, dressed like a cabin boy,

and just doing the worst one-liners I've ever heard. Not even one-liners, puns. He's up there blasting puns on national TV, and the crowd is like, yeah, this is what we've been waiting for. Yes, the judges all X him, and then the crowd's like, no, no, don't take him away from us this is the future yeah this is what we didn't know what we wanted until we saw it and this is

what we want right and kendall jenner's like all right let's listen to them howie mandel's just like fucking putting a noose around his neck yeah dude yeah yeah we've talked about it too because brian kellen was on that same episode denver comic he's open for george lopez for like a decade and a half and he's very funny and they made him look like a piece of shit and kevin bennett got to look like a like a you know like rocky balboa you know down but not out and then his fighting spirit and then brian kellen professional comedian i've seen him destroy the comedy works yeah he goes up there and his first joke doesn't land and then they just like x him and he he doesn't get the opportunity to to keep going or whatever he just is like oh okay

thank you guys so much maybe next time yeah racrest threw a bowling pin in his head. He just dropped. Nick Cannon, need him in the balls. Oh, man. God, I hate Kevin Bennett. Yeah, speaking of climbing trees, he climbed a tree on January 6th. He had a video of like, hey, I'm up in a tree outside of the Capitol. We're taking the power back. Shut the fuck up, Kevin.

Why don't you get into more arguments online you know arguing from your textbook is the fucking bible and you're yeah he thinks the world's 7 000 years old yeah he thinks that everybody's an idiot because he is the smartest christian there is so you know he's he's one step above living with captain jason but he says sheeple unironically yeah also captain jason was a fucking prize compared to Kevin Bennett. Like, I have no beef with Captain Jason besides the fact that. I'm saying he worked with spies. He might be a vampire.

Kevin Bennett is half spy. Yeah. Kevin Bennett's full spy. All right. He's the fucking head of national security. All right. He runs NSA. Yeah, dude.

I'm glad that. Yeah. I got worried that his America america's got talent was going to translate into like you know all of a sudden he's headlining you know 46 weekends a year uh at good clubs but that didn't happen i think because uh you know he's just awful and yeah wasn't able to to capitalize yeah he smells like an old navajo blanket it was no good was he really at the capitol right yes has anyone turned him in no i don't know that when he so when he the video i saw i can't remember somebody must have shared it because i think i blocked him a while ago i used to try to

you know tell him he was stupid and i i got sick. I gave up, yeah. He had the armor of Christ on his body, and so he didn't feel any of my verbal bars. Barbs, excuse me. But, yeah, somebody shared a clip where he's in a tree, and he's like, there's got to be at least a million people here. There were like

8,000 or whatever. He's like, there's probably 750,000 to a million people here. Yeah. And, uh, you know, he's like getting blown by the wind.

This is the rapture. This is what we've been training for. Yeah. And he's in a crow's nest. That's where he is. Of course he's in a crow's nest. He's a pirate cosplaying motherfucker. Of course he's up there land hoeing.

Yeah. Just looking through a single monocle ye democracy freedom straight ahead yeah god i fucking loathe him and it sucks that he occupies space in my mind because he loves that he loves knowing that he lives in my head rent free baby oh yeah he subsidized i'm paying half of his rent it's not even free it sucks to have the to have it be true that i've met some of my favorite people some of my best friends through comedy some of the best people i've ever met from all walks of life literally all walks of life and it's made me a better person but also some of the most vile, most evil, stupidest, most racist, dumbest motherfuckers are also stand-up comedians.

I wish that there was something we could do about that. Yeah, I think we should censor free speech. I think that's the first step. Shut up. No, I do. I think we should move on. Oh, yeah, I do too. Yeah, no, I'm kidding.

But, I mean, that's also the thing I like about stand-up is like sure mudflat mcgrew is uh repugnant but the fact that he does crush i still be like all right well you know i don't like him uh if he was on fire i might jerk off a little and just like you know i would i would aim the nut towards him but i would totally like make it count you know i'd be edging myself while he burnt but he is still a good comedian you know it's i guess he he relied on a lot of old fucking hack tricks you know it's and he and he learned that language but it doesn't mean i don't know he crushed at boulder at the boulder comedy show and i did not expect it because they would a lot of those crowds would be like those young college i don't know what i can laugh at because I don't know what I stand for yet oh yeah and then you know he was like doing his dumb shit where like my dad my dad was in a coma and I uh I knew

I knew he wasn't faking it because I touched his leg and uh only way a man is touching my dad's leg is if my dad is uh on his way out of this earth. And people are like, yeah, men shouldn't touch sons and fathers. And I was like, why are they laughing? Why? It didn't make any sense. I hosted for him at Comedy Works downtown. And I remember watching and being like, good God, what the fuck is this and he has a line

in his act where he says i'm not trying to raise a gay boy i'm trying to raise a man and i turned around aghast that that got like you know a standing ovation or whatever and as i'm turning around these two super hot 35 year olds in like you know bronco buster pants are like is steve doing a meet and greet afterward they wanted to greet his meat oh god that was my favorite jokes of yours yeah i got your ass it was perfect perfect roast joke sam was excited for the meet and greet until he found out how meat was spelt yeah i thought i was gonna i thought i was gonna shake hands with beef man you thought you were gonna anyway yeah that was one of those castleman's shows yeah those were nightmare should we bleep out mudflap or give him some fucking airspace uh i don't care we can call him truck tire no flap attack can come to come at me

flap flap mob somehow he he it just yeah i don, it just, yeah, I don't care either. I mean, I don't care about the other comic getting named, but. The only one that I care about is the first one in the episode. So let's, not Crandall. Crandall rocks. You know what? Crandall. I will say that Crandall was a lot of fun.

I know that we're, this is probably not interesting to a lot of our listeners, just talking about a guy who, you know, probably lives in the foster system as an adult now but uh i i have had several people say that they like uh the comedy stuff it was going to be mostly comedy talk if if we hadn't had to stop doing comedy for a full year some of us haven't stopped hey everybody i will be stopped i'm back i got i got vaccinated yesterday i know a year later is what i'm saying so we did we started talking about jerking off in high school or whatever jizzing in our pants yeah i know and then we really found

our wheelhouse i think it was me coming soft we really figured it out people like talking or people like hearing about a whole specific world that they don't get to hear about often because there aren't very many comedy podcasts. Yeah, no one else is really covering this ground. But yeah, we have the insider info. Oh, man. So, Becker, I got vaccinated.

I don't know if anyone told you. No, that's awesome. Thank you. Don't you have asthma or something? Yeah, I got vaccinated. I don't know if anyone told you. No, that's awesome. Thank you. Don't you have asthma or something? Yeah, I need to get it. I'm waiting to get my car, and then I'm going to handle it. Well, you know what the move is, I heard allegedly, is getting a fake address in Cheyenne, Wyoming, and driving up there.

And boy, yeah, that's what I heard. I mean, I got mine legally, of course. I didn't defraud an entire state. But that's what I've heard i mean i don't i got mine legally of course i didn't defraud an entire state but uh that's what i've heard and they don't care you know uh allegedly so yeah check it out okay no yeah i hit i i looked into getting vaccinated and i can't in colorado because i'm too obese i didn't know that was a rule. I'm kidding. No, I'm lying. But they're not giving it to big fat people yet in Colorado.

But they are giving it to anyone in Amarillo, Texas. And also in Cheyenne, they're giving it to big fat people already. So I cooked the books, so to speak. You're like, go Cowboys. Let me get that jab. I'm a big Wyoming Cowboys football fan, but that's neither here nor there. I went up there, and they gave it to me in an old tough shed,

and here I am, bulletproof, man. I'm licking doorknobs again. Because they were just throwing out. They were using them for target practice, right, as soon as they were past their usage date. Now they're like, all right, pull. And then they just blast it. Yeah, the Attorney General of Wyoming mistook the vaccine vials for shooters of Everclear. So she was just cracking them and slurping them and dumping them

at Frontier Days. Yeah, a good friend of ours gave me an address up there. Mooch? No, no. Let's just say that it was a free roll. And here I am. Better than both of you. Stronger than both of you.

You should just go to Amarillo, Lon. What are you waiting for? Because I don't want to drive 14 hours to get a vaccine. It's not. It's like four hours from here. Get a vaccine. No, it's not. Yes, it is.

Becker, look it up. I'm looking. Becker, you could go too. I can get one in the springs. Sick. I'm going to wait until the BMI thing, I think. You're definitely over 30. Hell yeah.

You've been designated a it is three hours and 39 minutes. Wow. Under four. Even better. Yeah. I'm probably not going to do it because, you know, other people should get it. I'm doing OK. Who should get it?

Old people. Yeah. I'm not a eugenicist, i'm thinking uh i'll probably be okay here eugene here eugene kenny sis though that's right yeah no man i mean think about it crete should have the vaccine more than a bunch of old people she's getting it because she works in a grocery store so all right she's getting it on tuesday the rollout didn't make any sense that's all i'm saying a bunch of old people who can just stay in their houses more and watch a Dick Van Dyke show.

Give it to the people who are on the front lines working. You know, people who work at Denny's, strippers, guys who guess people's weights at the carnival. The old people live in assisted living homes, and it's where a bunch of people got it, including these, you know, health care workers that you're kind of worried about. Well, you know what i think about old folks homes they should lock the doors throw in a month's worth of pills and let them fight it out uh yeah i don't know

i'm not uh it's nice to be down here if i still lived in denver maybe i would be feel like i needed to get it with more urgency but down here down here, I don't have to interact with a lot of people. And so, yeah, I think I'll be able to wait. I saw somebody on Facebook say they're supposed to do the fat people Colorado rollout in like a few weeks. So I'll probably get it in a week and a half and I'll die the day that I can get the vaccine. I wish that people... Very poetic. I wish they would quit calling the fat people dosage the rollout roll out baby roll out just roll you down

roll me down there yeah there's like a bunch of uh suzanne down here uh high dive suze is what we call her well we got to start calling her Trinidad Lounge Suzanne. She said, yeah, there's like a bunch of appointments at the Walmart for the vaccine, but you still have to be eligible. So I don't know if they're throwing them away or lighting them on fire at the end of the night. I just want all the crew to get vaccinated

so we can get back to the good old days of, you know, getting dim sum and Uris not tipping as much as the rest of us. Let's get back to the good old days. You know? Remember when he ordered way too much? Yeah, of course. He was like, I've got this

because we weren't sure how much of everything to get and there were like 15 of us. He was like, I'll handle this. He steps up to the plate and he ordered like $200 worth of dim sum. Dave also was furious. Dave didn't have the $38 he needed to pay for that. Bukley was also furious.

Bukley took all the leftovers home, of course. Yeah, she ate it for a month. Do you remember when we had that High Plains party at the Comedy Compound and there was all those ribs left over yeah and we were like cool we live here we threw this party we had to clean up this party we were nice enough to allow people to come here and party in our homes at least we got all these ribs out of it and then lo and behold the ribs were gone because old fucking stump fingers she she put them in a wheelbarrow yeah maybe it was aaron snyder with a wig on i don't know but she fucking crisscrossed applesauce out of there it's a bunch of ribs what are you gonna do with those ribs bukley you don't eat ribs like we do

yeah yeah yeah a dark day i'm glad was. I've never forgot about it. Nine years ago. Still, still skulls your cream. Oh, dude, I got fucking Dolce de Leche. It's, it's,

it's burned at this point. That fucking creme brulee, my entire cream. I was so pissed because we didn't have any money either. And Bukley's like, well, of course I am, you know, special. so i'll take all these

as the daughter of a todd i lay claim why don't why doesn't she get vaccinated that's funny too that she's you know we should do if you want to get vaccinated now just start teaching a comedy class then you can tell the state of colorado that you're a teacher i'm essential i'm essential people need to learn how to uh yes and each other she was also teaching uh children so i think she might have been able to to get it i don't know yeah no i'm i'm with it i want all the women to get vaccinated first okay besides besides, of course. You drinking coffee? Yeah, some coffee in the old Bubba.

The old Bubba mug, y'all. They're paying me, and I drink it. Well, pill time. No, that's my coffee maker letting me know the bold brew's ready you know what i was thinking about was becker you were eating all those cream puffs last night on the group chat by the way congratulations on eating 20 uh tacos thank you i don't know you want to tell everyone that but true truly heroic i'm glad uh i'm glad that I didn't try to eat any more than that because I felt like shit for a few hours.

The next day I felt pretty okay because it's not like they fill up those $1.29 taco options with a bunch of ground beef. It's all shell. It's a lot of tortilla and a lot of lettuce a lot of lettuce and tomato man very little stripe of beef at the bottom right so yeah but you know 20 tacos worth of that fucking the lowest the lowest quality meat you could imagine yeah that was all made out of the dogs who didn't survive the puppy mill riot the gordy escaped that's right yeah just uh yeah

ground up bishan bits and pieces some yeah dog dog toenails just awful you know uh so yeah it's in holes felt like shit for sure uh but i was glad i was able to get to 20 and you mentioned 35 and no there's no way 25 would have been really hard. I think I could clear 35 of those tacos. Yeah. I'll bet you could. You're pure evil. I lack an enzyme.

I was going to say, I think I could clear 35 tacos. You for sure could. And I think that, Becker, the way we're going to do that is I'm going to have a turtle cage installed in my house, like a terranium, and I'll pay your rent and you just live in there and I'll feed you, you know, twice a day, as many tacos as can be fit through the glass portal. I've been thinking about keeping you in some kind of cage and feeding you weird things.

Like a glass cube. You're just in the corner of my living room people come over like what's that it's like that's becker here you want to feed him a water burger oh as long as i can see the tv this sounds like an okay life no you're not gonna watch the tv oh yeah this this shit i ate like three more after i talked to you guys this thing is so good you have 11 cream puffs oh yeah it was rough i feel like is it better than relapsing becker let's be honest better than just crushing up a couple oxy 80s and getting back to work you know

yeah because i'm not gonna do beard papa again tonight yeah good point good point yeah is that gonna eat something else that's insane it looks like uh because that's such a funny name and i was like oh that's cool we've got like a new spot in denver just that sounds like i don't know like uh you know something popular from japan or whatever but it also i when i googled it it looks like it might be like a new vood like uh you know something popular from japan or whatever but it also when i googled it it looks like it might be like a new voodoo donut you know where there's like gonna be six of them and there's one coming to austin and there's like one in la yeah that's definitely what's going on it's but it it makes way more sense than voodoo donut though these

fucking that they slap these these are really really good i think there's one left i can show it to you yeah put it up there for all of us to see yeah this is like the strawberry one that's covered in like hard frosting it's a little strawberry cream oh fuck break it open for me let me see what's in there okay hold on let me get a box under it spread it yeah spread it spread it wide open, Becker. Oh, damn. That's a lot of cream. Oh, my God.

It's fucking good, too. Oh, go slow. It was on my finger. I wasn't going to eat it right now. Yeah, you weren't. No, my throat will kill me. Until people started... All the tokens started being donated. Go ahead and eat that. Muckbang it, baby. my throat until people started uh all the tokens started being donated why would bang it baby why would it be uh the worst heartburn with all the other garbage you've consumed why would those get i have no clue it puzzles it puzzles me deeply but i i don't know

if it was all the cream probably all the cream yeah probably all the cream you had 11 cream puffs of course your stomach hurt why are we trying to get to the bottom of this my stomach didn't hurt it was just heartburn i woke up and i had heartburn so bad it was like in my nose oh god i've been there man yeah it just seems random that it would be from uh cream puffs and not you, nine double doubles or whatever the fuck. A bucket of KFC with, you know, mashed potato chaser. Has anyone ever eaten the entire bucket and put it on their head? That should be some kind of challenge. That's what Buckethead used to do.

He'd eat the chicken during the opening act. And he'd be off, you know, you could barely see him on the side of the stage just going to town on some chicken. Buckethead, the Kevin Bennett of guitar players. Check out this angle. This time I'm riding this straight to the top. Look, pirate music didn't

work out, so I'm going to be the bucket guy. I wonder if he ever got head while wearing the bucket. I mean, that's where the name came from. Fuck yeah. Extra crispy. You need to take that class. Yes, and? Call me Colonel.

Fuck yeah, and? I take dirty improv. Fuck yeah, and? I take dirty improv. Fuck yeah, and? You took Justin Franzen's class? Yeah, how to? How to swear. How to bring improv to the teens. Well, I learned how to do improv.

The rule at the Bovine was you couldn't swear. You had to play at the top of your intelligence, which I think is really important when you're learning improv to not be able to work blue because you'll like focus on the relationships and you'll find the game in the scene instead of just being like oh no i came shit um whoops oh no i was fucking this nun and i came shit let me clean that up for you i'm a dog who eats shit like that's a lot of first year improv. And then I started playing with these guys who didn't learn how to play clean. And I was like,

Oh my God, this, who taught you this? The devil himself. Is this what Dell close was talking about? I almost said Dell shore, who I think was a basketball coach, coach,

the Lakers in the early nineties. How about this? I texted this to Emily earlier. basketball coach. He coached the Lakers in the early 90s. How about this? I texted this to Emily earlier. Instead of flavor-blasted goldfish, what about finger-blasted goldfish? Put them in there. Take them out.

Anyone done that? Nice and soggy when they go back into that milk carton. Is that mine? That's yours. Save it for the comedy fort. I'll be there the 12th and 13th of March. Next weekend, everyone, get your tickets.

I'll also be in Philadelphia at Helium on the 2nd. Or no, Tuesday the 15th or 16th. Yeah. A lot of great dates coming around. Go to samtalent.com. Don't get a vaccination just go and be rest assured that a comedy club notorious uh vampires to get every dollar that you have is gonna have your safety in mind and if you really care about safety come down to three e's comedy

club in colorado springs the 19th and 20th uh everyone there all the door guys there have ak 47s on their bodies so child soldiers yeah exactly just a bunch of beasts with no nation i've been reading a bunch of child soldier books recently my god yeah sounds like a pretty tough time breath of fresh air compared to your reality and for in the suburbs mean, I didn't know how bad it was. You thought it was fun because as a kid, you want to be able to have power and authority. I thought it was cowboys and Indians with live rounds. Have grown-ups listen to you?

Look, I'm getting all this respect from the adults that lead these child armies. A lot more bayonet rape than I imagined. Oh, my God. The worst things I've ever heard. These kids, they're having fun, and they're doing it in a group. It's like a team-building exercise. They kill somebody, get some blood on their bayonet,

and they're like, I guess this is growing up. Yeah. Blink-182 plays. It's all right to tell me. We're in a new regime. I't know man don't become a child soldier if any of you are out there thinking about what to do next if you're a young listener don't go to liberia and uh pick up a rocket launcher yeah set them straight sam get them off get them off the streets of kenya kenya is actually a great place apparently oh okay yeah that's according to your research

well yeah i mean isn't kenya like the uh like the most stable place in africa i don't know man there i would did those shows in key west shout out to key west comedy fucking great club uh loved it down there if you have a chance to go down and check it out awesome and there was these south africans in the crowd who worked on like cruise ships and shit Fucking great club. Loved it down there. If you have a chance, go down and check it out. Awesome. And there was these South Africans in the crowd who worked on, like, cruise ships and shit. And I had, like, these four South Africans right up front, and then there was a black guy sitting to the right of them. And, boy, it was fun to point out all of their differences in opinion.

Checking in with them after every joke? No, just being like, like oh black guy liked it south africans hmm we allow that to happen here black man laughing you have to you should pay a nickel to see that right it was a lot of fun south africans loved it black guy loved it just fun to be out with people again man yeah rolling those dice. Not rolling dice. I'm vaccinated. I'm saying they are. They're like, I want to have a good time.

It could kill me, but if it doesn't. No one's getting COVID anymore. I got a t-shirt out of it, so that's good. I was able to buy some merch that they're going to bury me in. Yeah. COVID's over if you want it. We would have been good until the end of the month anyway, right, Sam? Hell yeah, dude.

We had 90 days. We can go to fucking the nation of georgia right now if we wanted to cool the only place we can go as americans are georgia and then an island off the east coast of africa what what's the island it's like called say cheles s-e-y-c-h-e-l-l-e-s it's just like you know beachfront property in arizona type situation but uh i mean that's not true i guess it actually exists but it's uh i don't know it's fun to be on the beach just fucking eating coconuts and throwing nickels throwing nickels into the ocean making a wish a bunch of child soldiers swimming after him i mean it's tough man i really i got like a joke about everything but jesus christ these child soldiers not having a blast hard to rip off yeah did you bring them

up to the south africans no of course not i was busy busting their balls for apartheid uh were they white yeah of course do you know what happened down there yeah 30 years ago yes i do and it's been over for 35 years oh yeah you you just think institutionalized racism just goes away overnight i forgot you think there's no black people in South Africa? No, I do. Okay. I don't know how to get out of this. But yeah, get vaccinated so we can hit the road again,

brother. Yeah, that sounds fun. I know you got a bunch of great bits you've been working on. I really do want to be able to do stand-up again because I had a mask bit based on

Megan's uncle making fun of my mask with flowers on it because flowers aren't for boys and I turned that into a fun joke and then the story of finding out how my dad died would be a killer closer for sure I would bury your ass every night i've been doing that and it's been fucking killing dude i have no doubt that you would steal that joke you asshole but you know what i'll trade you for that great harrowing story for finger blasted goldfish and then what if you're closer what if

you like uh you bring it up early and then for your closer you pull a bunch of goldfish out of your ass and eat them you'd be like tom arnold tom we'd be like tom and rosie did you ever hear about that tom arnold's like early act no oh my god dude he did this like weird goldfish thing. Because he got booked really early in Iowa. Also, his sister was the person who was responsible for the meth epidemic in all of the Midwest. I read that book, Meth Land, and it's all his sister's fault. Whoa.

She was a Jake Becker of Heartland Meth. Yeah, she was the kingpin in, I think i think it's called old wine it's spelled like owl wine but old wine iowa is like where all the bikers started to pick up meth and take it everywhere but yeah fucking tom art and his sister ran that bar uh tom arnold had this goldfish thing where he would like make a goldfish like jump through a hoop then there was like a flaming hoop the goldfish would jump through then he would have the goldfish play dead he had all these like weird crazy goldfish bits but he was just running through goldfish all the time and like he would get like blackout drunk and like leave them in his car and they would freeze into a solid block like it'd just be like an ice cube with

goldfish as he's working somewhere in the upper midwest so he like had all these stories of like getting wasted waking up at like 4 30 in the upper Midwest. So he had all these stories of getting wasted, waking up at 4.30 in the afternoon, having a show at 7, and having to find a bunch of live goldfish in whatever fuck town he was in. Oh, man. I miss those days of stand-up.

Fucking, yeah, pushing the boundaries. I wish being Ollie Joe Prater was still around. I need to find a liquor store and a pet store. Hopefully on the same block. Yeah. Ollie Joe Prater, yeah, living life under the sheets.

Get out of my way. That was his catchphrase. It was so funny that you ended up ingas for two years because of your wife pursuing her medical career allegedly because that's where i started and it is so stupid and it is funny that you came up with the idea like yeah you need in vegas you needed something so that you could try and fucking corral these randos that have you know lost all of their money they don't know how they're gonna be able to get back home to the heartland and uh and all they want is like a catchphrase or the dirtiest shit you can come up with or you know a more popular more famous comedian stuff if you want to just steal some shit you know that's a hit out there that'll get some some laughs fuck man yeah i was so i was so lucky that i got out of

there but you were there during the heyday you know with yet gooch and brant tobler and markman it was real rat pack situation and i'm out there with not one but three different comedians named dough boy there was three different active dough boys on the vegas circuit we had uh yeah we had some funny because yeah there's gooch we had some funny stage names there's gooch there's buffet jackson big old buffet buffet's still around he's cool we had booyah booyah was a uh a really fun guy did you have cold water mo betta no he was around when i was there davio was i've talked about davio he was a little diminutive magician looking motherfucker oh yeah i remember he was hilarious yeah for all the wrong reasons you know some of his stuff was funny but he was also very um just kind of like bitter like you know he's in vegas but he

knows that uh he's probably not going to be discovered anytime soon so he would just like you know drag his ass into a an open mic that he hosted an hour and a half late just fucking somebody make a list all right davio he would do like 25 up top and then get the first comic up. We're just all like, fuck, man. I'm going to be here until 3 in the morning. Did you have, was Big Doc active when you were there? No. Big Doc, 7'1".

I wish. 400-pound black guy. Honestly, in my top five friends when I was in vegas man uh just a great dude he loved me he loved my wife he was very generous with us and sweet to us but his entire act like he just what really one of the nicest men i've met his entire act was him getting on stage and threatening to pipe someone's girlfriend for his entire 15 minutes and then he would like grab his dick through his pants but he's grabbing like above his knee like barely above his knee you know what i mean and you can see the outline of this giant coral snake and he's just like working it and he's

slowly like i think he was slowly would get it hard so you can see it more and more pronounced against his pant leg then you get off stage and be like oh sam you and you and your lady got to come over for dinner man you know just like the nicest guy ever i'll feed her i'll feed her this tube steak that i got uh on sale at the albertsons yeah he'd be like hey sam man if uh you know i was uh listen to those songs you told me about man really moving stuff just lovely get on stage and be like what up you white bitch i'm gonna cram your head it's fun to watch guys get on stage and change yeah yeah there's a lot of a lot of stage names and then uh i mean i i did the same shit starting out in vegas because you didn't know how to make these fuckers pay attention.

A lot of them had their backs to you. They were playing video poker at the bar. And so I said some dumb shit for sure, trying to get people to pay attention and get into the show. Yeah. Right off of Fremont was B bunkhouse was the spot shows and uh boomers was uh right not too far off of the strip boomers i got to i got to meet mitch hedberg's old lady lynn shawcroft at boomers and tell her i loved uh loved mitch yeah she

was kicking around vegas for a while while I was there. Did you ever do Dive Bar? I think so. That was like the best mic in town. Alex just Alex ran it. And I remember the first time I walked in there, there were these guys with a camera in the doorway. And I was like, oh, cool.

There's some cools coming in here. And I walk in and the guy's like, oh, good. You just fucking ruined our shot. Start it over. And I go up and I meet Alex and I'm like, hey, I'm Sam. Can I sign up? And he's like, oh, good. You just fucking ruined our shot. Start it over. And I go up and I meet Alex and I'm like, hey, I'm Sam. Can I sign up? And he's like, yeah, yeah. Sorry, the guys at the door were mean to you.

They're shooting a porno in here right now. So if you see the cameras, just stay out of the line of sight. Or can you sign this release to be in the porno? I was like, what the fuck? This is where I just moved for two years? At that point, it was supposed to be four years i signed on for four years there but luckily my wife fuck my big old ass and you're like wait a minute luckily my mom had that stroke yeah no exactly and that's where the catchphrase came from you capitalize you're like emily tell him tell him your mother-in-law is dying

you capitalize you're like emily tell him tell him your mother-in-law is dying yeah no man i remember uh i the fuck my big old ass thing came from i was at the dive bar and i went up after cold water mo betta and his catchphrase was like cold water mo betta it was his name and i was like i also have a catchphrase were there any other rough drafts before you settled on fuck my big old ass no because i was just so disgusted with how the crowd reacted to cold water mo betta it was like when you got you know you went up after kevin bennett crushed after you and i was like okay if that's what they want fuck my big old ass it is and i thought the comics would laugh at it and the crowd wouldn't get it and no the crowd was like yes yes indeed all right this guy gets it oh man i love it uh that that's yeah that's part of the thing that sucks too trying to navigate the waters of stand-up is you you get to see what some crowds want and it's like really

are you fucking kidding me right now that's what's gonna work okay and i just bombed all the time in vegas comics liked me they were nice to me but god damn those shows were such shit yeah we were i was lucky to start with uh brant tobler it was crazy when he moved to denver because we started together he helped me out i think he was doing it for like a year before i showed up so he him and brian bruner were very helpful to me gooch matt markman brandon muller buffet booyah uh we we we were able to have a good time and shit on the crowds together a lot of the time and just kind of try to you know find a place that wasn't going to charge us to run a show and all that shit, you know, uh,

True golden golden age of comedy. Well, it was, and it was nice. Like I said, it was nice to get out of there before too long because I think it was, uh, tough. It would have been tough to continue there. Cause there, there didn't feel like you could get a lot of momentum going and it got it got a little bit better uh there after i left like after the storm that well there were more clubs that opened that allow that used the local people or had a local night that wasn't really the case when i was there so there wasn't it didn't it didn't seem like i was going to be able to get good.

And then, you know, like they were right. You opening the opening at the clubs because they would book. Host middle headliner, you know, from Road Comics or whoever, they would all come from Los Angeles and then they would steal all the good jokes in Vegas and go back to L.A. Yeah. And so, yeah, there wasn't you, there weren't a lot of guest sets or anything. And that changed after I left. So I was glad that those comics that were still there were able to work more. But I felt very lucky when I stumbled to Denver. I had no idea what the scene was like in Denver. I was just dating somebody who was working for Obama, and they asked her to move to Denver from June of 2008

through the election. I might not agree with Obama's politics, but God, I'm glad that he brought you to Denver, Colorado. Yeah, dropped me in Denver, and man, I did not know what to expect. And I lucked out real hard. You did because I befriended you and I was the king. Met some of my favorite people. Eventually, you and I got along.

At first, we would show our teeth to each other when we were in the same room. Hey, if anyone out there is listening, we have to wrap this episode up. Hey, if anyone out there is listening, we have to wrap this episode up. But if you know how to build a giant glass cage, please let me know so we can get Becker moved in sooner than later. And then I'm just going to live stream that like those 24-hour webcams they have where it's like a baby eagle egg hatching. You can just watch the nest. That's what we're going to have in my house.

If you donate enough, you can choose what Becker eats that day and how much of it he eats. What was that thing that everybody, not everybody, because it was ridiculous. A lot of the world was fascinated on something like

an old geological formation where like a lot of the world was fascinated on something like, uh, fuck. It was like an old, uh, geological formation where there was a tip and at the tip there was like a drop of this, you know, it's like, wasn't a liquid,

but it was, there was still a drop that was forming of this like fucking stalactite or something. And everybody was waiting for this drip to, to fall. You don't remember that. It was probably like sixactite or something and everybody was waiting for this drip to to fall you don't remember that it was probably like six years ago or something oh that sounds dumb as hell that's something something you would be into though i wasn't into it i couldn't have cared less but the world was like captivated by it sounds like the fucking geological equivalent of when that the screensaver's on and the ball's bouncing around off the sides and everyone's waiting for it to go exactly into the corner yeah that was people are so stupid god yeah oh yeah it was stupid for

sure it was it was even dumber than than caring about an eagle egg hatching or whatever your reference was it was it made me think of it because it was even less captivating than than than an egg hatching speaking Speaking of being captive, please let me know if you can build me that glass cube. We'll lay down some straw and put a heat lamp in there and let Becker move in. Maybe if we're lucky we can catch him breeding. That's very rare.

That would be a good Patreon tier would be to have access to the Becker live stream. What's he going to eat today? How bad is his heartburn going to be? How many mini muffins is he going to cram? I want to get some cream puffs, man. Jesus.

Speaking of the Patreon, sign up if you haven't yet. Five bucks a month have you mailed that shit out yet no i'm waiting on god these people are gonna fucking kill us dude well you know god forbid uh they just do the five dollar tier you get an extra episode every week so you don't want them to give you an extra 15 a month well i you can't send mail in your busy schedule of getting your dog groomed once a month. It's your money, brother.

You're the one that created this tier and then you put it on me because you were fucking off in Florida. No, I put it on you because it's your money. You get all the money

from the Patreon. Well, people don't need to know that. Why not? It rules. Empower Lund. Yeah. Well, thanks for pointing out that I'm blowing it, but... You're welcome.

I'm the one who gets the emails from people. Good. I'm waiting on some stickers. It's going to be cool. And then in March, Sam will send out another short story or whatever. And, uh, we'll get you back on track. You're out here first folks. So keep that money coming in. Um, again, if anyone's a glass mage or knows how to blow a giant bubble, uh, let me know and we'll do it right here, in my house um lun's gonna get vaccinated we're

gonna hit the road again we got a bunch of dates coming up this summer so get ready for that uh oh yeah colorado springs the 19th 20th 21st or whatever fort collins the 12th and 13th uh what's the other one philly helium the 16th fucking milwaukee chicago i got dates coming up for everybody um coughing sam's mouth right after the show i'm untouchable let's test that vaccine's efficacy yeah man test it out uh if anyone knows any cool gyms in milwaukee let me know and oh yeah you don't want to break your streak. I don't, dude. I'm getting jacked. I'm tough over here.

That needle broke off when she tried to put it in my rock-hard bicep yesterday. It's not true. I believe it. I did the Death Metal Dicks podcast, and they made fun of me, and it sucked. Because you can't squat the bar yet? Oh, I can squat the bar, but they're just mean to me. Chris Pierce is going to beat up Chris Jericho. I know, yeah.

So that's the kind of people I'm dealing with on a day-to-day basis. Yeah, we've got to get ready for SummerSlam, me and you against Buddy and Chris. Yeah. Ah, boy. Okay, we love you all, and fill the bucket and put it on your head.