Chubby Behemoth - Alabaster P. Merkin

Episode Date: October 3, 2022

Ready To Vamp. Smells Like Baguette. Qwarm. Patrick Richardson.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Our Sponsor This Week: https://www.quarantineprojectsauce.com Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth    

Hello everybody, it's me, Dr. Unctuous T. Velvet. And I'm joined by my illustrious, sexy, sensual guests, Helmet Mulrooney and Quarm. Welcome to the Sexy Tongue Man Talk Show. It's a fright festival. Cut the top off that pumpkin and put your new infant inside of it. It's photo festival time. Me, Quarm. Oh, Quarm's fired up for this.

If you have a newborn baby, you better find a gourd that fits its body and get those pictures before it's too big to be nude. Dude. Pumpkin spice your infant. Take your Christmas card in autumn and send it early, because who knows if the baby will survive. Everybody loves a spooky baby.

Babies are rarely spooky, and it's up to you to make it happen this autumnal season. Dress your baby as a Civil War soldier. You pick the side, gray or blue, ga-ga-goo. But blue or gray, gaga guay. How's it going, Quorum? Quorum hungry. Quorum needs to eat.

Quorum only had a $20 sandwich last night. Quorum on the cob. And three of 15 wings because Helmet P. Mulroney ate the other 12. Bones and all. Spooky.

All we've had today is cinnamon roll. All wings are boneless if you chew enough. I've had a can of beans and three quarters of a bag of hats. I'm ready to vamp. With a baguette. I'm ready to vamp. With a vamp and vampire.

I'm sweet transvestite. Transylvania. Oh, who's that knocking at the door? Is it meatloaf? Is there a meatloaf delivery to my sensual castle of utter delight? Meatloaf here and I'm on a hog and I'm turning into a motherfucking frog. I'm fatty and I smell and I'm not gonna take it no more. I don't bathe.

I do a nine minute song With seventeen choruses And two breakdowns I'm all sweaty all the time And I still get to finger whoever I want I blasted Olivia Newton John in the mouth Good God, Meatloaf

I had no idea you were such a voluptuous lovemaker Well, you don't listen to anyone else talk, do you, you old queer? He's an old queer and I don't care who knows it Good God, Meatloaf Please don't gender or label my sexuality It's liquid, much like the blood in your veins. Did Meatloaf die on stage?

No, he died in a Tupperware container. Someone forgot to put the lid on him. He suffocated and congealed ketchup. He crusted over and it was unedible. It was thrown into the laundry machine. Did he really loaf his meat inside of Olivia Newton-John's mouth? He tossed it over and it was unedible. It was thrown into the laundry machine.

Did he really loaf his meat inside of Olivia Newton-John's mouth? I don't know. I don't know. I hope so. That was alleged. That was all hearsay. Blind item. Hearsay from this queer gay. Who blasted inside of the mouth of the

very physical Olivia Newton, John? This grease star got greased in her grease trap by this greased up fat grease ball. Ooh, I'm all gooey down south. Just thinking about OLJ getting mouth hooted

by that Wadmaster. He treated her like a delicious filled pastry. Olivia, do you want to get nutted inside of? I sure do. Well, I'm ready to go. I got it.

I'm three quarters hard. That's as good as it gets. It's the 70s. I'm fat and I'm low. This song is a half hour long and I'm going to do stuff to you. Throughout the song, you're going to get filled

in every hole. Oh, yes. Do it for me. Alabaster T. Do it. Do it for me. Alabaster T. Merkin. What was it? Unctuous? Unctuous P. Velvet. And I'm his

twin brother, Alabaster P. Merkin. I have a different last name. It's a blended family of frights. We were adopted separately, but when we met, we were wildly attracted to each other. Like looking in a mirror, is it not, Alabaster? Yes, indeed, Unctuous. Like fucking the mirror.

I would fuck a mirror if there was a hole tight enough. But the glass often leaves shards in my shaft. Shards in my shaft, I'm singing again, here's me. He's got shards in his shaft, shards in his shaft. Olivia, please crab walk for us. We want to get stiff, but not hard. You got it, fellas. I want to come soft like a pumpkin on November the 3rd.

Yes, leave me outside. Let the squirrels have at me. Scoop the guts from me. Alabaster stop. I'm sorry, unctuous. You know I get lost in the sauce when I'm singing like the boss. Who's the boss here? I'm the boss and I'm here to say that I'm laying you all off.

This Friday. Oh, good God. it's our actual boss. We're taking the company overseas, India, if you want to please. I assumed, of course, when you asked if the boss was coming, that it would be Bruce Springsteen. No, it's me, It's still Meatloaf. I'm back from the dead, and I'm gonna

choke on a piece of steak. Oh, good God, I forgot Meatloaf. You got the company in the settlement. You can't make a Meatloaf. Can't make a Meatloaf. That's his Bruce song, right? I thought that was you trying to do The Boss.

Yeah, it was The Boss. It was Meatloaf singing a Bruce Springsteen song. Boys, don't becker. They closed down the planet, and now I'm in charge. I'm on a motorcycle going west. It's a rust-built city, but no one cares. I just browned my underwear on meatloaf, and I'm the boss in this bit.

I just sit up. Yeah, get the burps out, and you're right back down. This is really casual podcasting. No, this counts. This is us actually working harder than ever. Yes. Yes, it is. We're straight riffing, boo.

It's not like we normally have a run sheet with our bits and giggles. Usually we have an entire, or Becker is quite the slave driver. Isn't he unctuous? Yes, indeed he is, Alabaster. He likes to whip me and I like it when he makes me into his slave. I'm your sexual slave.

I'm your somnambulist sycophant. I'm wearing a diaper, but not on my balls. I've got a little hatch in the back. There's a hole in the diaper for the balls. Just a couple of balls poking out. I had it specially designed for him. It was our 23rd birthday gift. Because we're twins, of course.

You know how the only negative to wearing a diaper as an adult is that it squishes your balls. Well, close your eyes. Close your eyes and stick out your hand. because I've got a Halloween present for you. The medieval days are over. The Renaissance has begun. Free your sack. From the makers of assless chaps comes ball-less diapers.

Let them dangle. Or if anything, a regular diaper is the balls-less because they cover them up. This puts the balls front and center. Yeah. Are you tired of your balls not being featured prominently when you go to your adult diaper fuck fest?

Well, a solution has been garnered. Call me Jennifer because I've garnered you a solution. Yes, you have, Mr. Velvet. Thank you, Unctuous. No, it's Unctuous Velvet. Caught me. I've been bad.

Are you just one guy? Call forth, Becker. It's time to be spunked. Oh, man. Quite the time to be spunked. Oh, man. Quite the catch from one Dalton Knox. Don't call the action. Unctuous and Alabaster in the booth. This has been a scary good time in Baltimore, Maryland.

Hope you have some fingernails left to chew. It's a real nail biter here at the bottom of the fourth. Stick around for the spirit Halloween halftime show. We're locked up here with two and a half to go in the fourth from sunny Baltimore Maryland. Dracula and his son. The bills and their ribald offense are driving

deep down the throats of these nevermore ravens. Speaking of spooky and altogether ooky, that's a bill's first sound. Alan to the sideline. And with feet like that, you don't need to join the

Bolshoi. In October, during NFL games, the football should be a pumpkin for at least some of the game. That'd be fun. Finally, someone's making sense in this fucked up country. Everything's pink in November. And then there's like the camo week or whatever for the veterans.

That's also November, I think. A spider web of scrimmage. October, man. Everybody should be orange and black. I couldn't agree more. All teams. And holding on to each field goal post should be skeleton. And the linebackers are called slimebackers.

Yeah, see? This was so much better. They should dig up Junior Seah. They should have a Junior Seance. Oh, what a spooky good time. What do you see, T.E. Junior? His brain looks like the inside of a pumpkin. Jim Harbaugh looks on The helmets are all pumpkins

They're actual pumpkins this year There's even more protection Due to the pumpkin helmet It's fortified Lamar Michael Jackson Spooky players What a thriller Oh, Michael Jackson. Spooky players. What a thriller.

Josh. Ouchie Allen. No. Josh Woody Allen. No. And then it's just Ray Rice. Ray Rice in an elevator from hell. No, don't, Raymond. Stop it.

Everybody loves Ray Rice. Oh, God, I'm going to puke. I'm going to spook. Do it in the hat. Yeah, I'm football cowboy spook. Do it in the hat. I'm a football cowboy. You really look cute. Thank you. I keep having to sit up and then lay back down.

You keep burping into the mic. I've got three hours sleep and three inches hard. Come forth and measure me yard by yard. I'm the Bonetard. Purple. One team, white the other. Who will win? Who will smother their brother?

Hopefully not you, Velvet. No, don't worry about that. If I were to end you, I would do it being able to look into your eyes. I want to see the life leave. And now a commercial from PetSmart. Black people own pets too. Moving on. That's the commercial.

This just in. Is this about PetSmart. This just in. Is this about PetSmart? This just in. Chinese women are attractive. More at 11. Whoops. More at more like six and a half. Oh, no.

Andy Sandberg and Snoop Dogg are enjoying a cold one on the playa. Stop. I wonder what this oddball duo are discussing. We'll never know due to it being muted. Uh-oh, Snoop Dogg looks like Sandberg has committed a faux pas. What about a foam pas for dogs who burnt their fingers? Oral B writes itself.

I could use some oral B. That's what I say to my brothers. When you're in Brooklyn. That's right. How about some oral D? i would take it or leave it but first a special message from carnival cruise line let's go love are you a fat pig and only get off by eating ultimate 24-hour buffets if so carnival is the destination for you. You all been on a cruise before?

Oh, yes. I have many a time. No, I'm not basic. Someone that's basic would say that. Okay. I went on a cruise with my then lover and her sister and one known as Catherine. And the fun that we had was measured in thimbles. That's not a lot of fun.

It was not much fun. Very good, football cowboy. You were being coquettish. Very good, either Nathan or Meatloaf. I'm not sure. Meatloaf's back. He took a little break, but now he's ready to sing all week long.

Look at him go. He's always itching. No, I itch for one second, and you decided to look at me like you never have before. Yes, I've been on a cruise. We went down to, where's David Rodriguez from? Catalina Island. We went to Catalina Island, and then we went down to dark, dark Mexico. We went to the southern reaches of man's insanity.

The heart of darkness. And I bought a bunch of pills and then was too scared to bring them back on the boat. What'd you do, throw them away? I ate four and left the rest outside. What were they? They said that they were soma. Witches. But I've been tricked before by a ruddy-cheeked Irishman.

Somas are muscle relaxers. It's what kills all the professional wrestlers. And I wanted to be with them. Rather than being... I wanted to oil them up and rub them down. I wanted to ask Benoit why.

Benoit Balls presents Carnival Cruise Line featuring the Buffalo Bills. Case Keenum getting his hopes up. Singletary all wet towel man will take care of that.

He's commenting on the Monday. I'm saying what I'm seeing. That's what Becker does. Indeed, I learned much from the one known as Becker. It's me, Jay Peterman now. Believe it or not.

You're turning into Byron Graham. I'm Byron Peterman. Elaine. Katie. We have one minute and 50 seconds left. Stop! You can't! They love it. They're not watching.

They want to know where the action is today. Yes, the cruise was a decadent situation. Yes, the cruise was a score. Decadent. Decadent situation. A bit of the city of Gomorrah afloat in the ocean. Lawless, legless, topless.

I made love on the poop deck. I did. No way. Was it called that before? Yes, we did. No. We made love in the rain on the poop deck. Was it called the poop deck before you made love on it?

Patrick, very good. That's why we have you here. I'm bombing on this one. The coveted third mic. No, you're doing great, Fash. I'm actually bombing on this one. No, no. I've seen you bombing.

You've been bombing all weekend. You didn't tell me, no, I've done better than you. Not true. Yeah. Gentlemen. I was the best best you broke the mic no the mic broke and i was the victim allegations of mic breakery surface explain yeah the mic broke because lund screamed in it no it was all it was old as hell there were a bunch of knots in it yeah and then you were like it was in the movie theater and you're like i'm gonna go james holmes on you guys no i didn't

mention jh yeah you did you were jno in the back and you got kicked out by an usher no i went to go watch the rise of grew what is this Rise of Gru you speak of? Have you no idea about the minions? No, the only minions I deal with are Beelzebub and his impish pig fuck friends.

What's the one from Hereditary called? Gorgo. Pypon. Father of Guiguo. Paymon. Matt Paymon. Gorgor Piper Father of Guiguo Payman Hail Payman Matt Payman Matt Payman Payman

Come on Lucifer Give me your energy It's like Good Will Hunting He's just writing Satanic shit On the chalkboard

Should I stop doing this voice? Yes. For real, though? At least for a little bit. F-R-Dough. Let's have the real Sam. Will the real Sam Shady please stand up? There is no real Sam.

The man you know as Sam is but an empty hologram projected on an endless stream of stars. He's never existed and he never will gain. He is reduced to ash for fire came before but before that there was dirt and that's what he was what was the were they three and a half I think it was just three for the Bills. Push? Well, I said fuck because I had the Browns in at least a couple parlays and the fucking Falcons won. Ouch, bro.

Yeah, that might be the only. Uh-oh, Baltimore's imploding. Baltimore going the way of the dark planet Saturn. Buffalo's kicker's going full Lisa Left Eye Lopez. He just had the one charcoal under his left eye. You mean Lance? Yeah, Mr. Bass. The gay one?

What the hell? He's the gay kicker. That's wild. He wears that eye patch to remember his cousin who's in hell. Where's that eye patch to remember his cousin who's in hell? Yeah, I was on a cruise once, and my then wife... You banged. Yes. I corned her.

And it was in the rain. I corned her wholly up. It was raining, so nobody was out there? After I was done, I needed teepee for my bunghole. Bring forth the teepee for mine bunghole, please. Elaine, the teepee. Fetch me the teepee for my bunghole. Bring forth the teepee for mine bunghole, please. Elaine, the teepee. Fetch me the teepee, Elaine. My bunghole has been

necessitated of the teepee. And now, now I'm Peter Minkosby. Elaine, we're going to be selling a jello pudding cups to the unfaithful maids. Elaine, where's your friend, Crimer?

I'm Christopher Walken Peterman, and I like Crimer. I thought you said you weren't going to talk the whole time. You're like, I'm so tired. I am tired, but I turn it on for the fan base shout out to insane maniac tanner reese for coming to see me do stand up four times in two different cities and also shout out that guy alex in kansas city who brought his wife and told me she did not have them what in fact she did. What about you texted me about a guy named Mitchell? Oh, yeah.

That's what sent me spiraling on my dark journey into the center of my own private hell. I was a passenger on a one-way train to madness. Next stop, hell. Just kidding. Just kidding. We're a couple clicks out of busa we're trying to have a little fun here uh yeah this this kid mitchell who you know mitchell he does stand up in kansas city he's like nailer's friend mitchell and ness no not mitchell and ness i can't think of them. Hold on. I just sit up and burp, which means you know what happens now.

You lay back down. Lay back down. Back to caterpillar form. Supine and soon to be lupine. I have become the wolf. I am a lycanthrope. Go back to Mitchell. I am a lone crow. Let me talk to Sam. is no sam unctuous

unctuous is sam still uh swimming around let me go to the tub and ask if he's done floating oh what's that sam you need more milk and cream right away buttermilk tall freak man who was also in the movie whose name I forget. Come forth. Milk my friend Samuel. Yes. I am Jay Peterman who's also a werewolf. Elaine, bring me more

sheep blood. Elaine, how is Newman doing? Hello, Newman. You're looking delicious. Peter, Lynn, and Kramer never had enough interactions, if you ask me. That was the only hole in that show. They should add an episode.

Hello, Kramer. How are you on this fine evening? Oh, I'm all right. And such and so forth. Pretty much writes itself, as far as I'm concerned. But there was a boy named Mitchell who I've known for going on six or seven long years. And I went outside in front of the show in kansas city to enjoy a rolled cigarette and he said to me sam do you even know my name and i couldn't remember it and i felt terrible and i began to spiral and then i went inside and i tried to focus and Donnie wanted me to smell a Sharpie marker and I whiffed it and he bumped it into my nose.

So that I had Sharpie on my face as I was considering how little I care about people around me sometimes. This poor Mitchell who looks up to me. I couldn't even sequester his name away in the deepest recesses of my mind. And then this guy named Alex, who listens to the pod, came in and told me that his wife does not have them. And I was very concerned with doing a good job. And then I went on stage in Kansas City. I did not deliver the baby that I wanted to have born on that fateful eve and I felt bad. I was supposed to do 45. I did an hour 10

because I couldn't close. You came soft. That would have been a reprieve. That would have been a call from the governor at 11 59. To come soft? I would rather everyone have watched me come soft than for them to see what i did up there my impotent floundering but the youth movement

said i was funny but i've gotten to nailer's car and i said i fucking bombed i should be dead right now i should go the way of the meatloaf. And Naylor said it wasn't that bad and I said, shut up, you pig fuck. You look like you're on the hunt for truffles, you ruddy-faced porcine magnate. So I bombed, I thought. And I went to

Don't Tell and I ripped it up and shoved every piece of my meat in every open hole they had. And then I started doing this voice. And that was three days ago. You've been having a stroke for 60 hours straight. I think the term is a trans-isemic incident.

A T-E-I in the biz. I'm a sweet trans-isemic incident. I'm having a mini stroke. So, yes, and then I rolled on to Des Moines, and Tanner was there with his young sister. Oh, the girlfriend didn't come this time? Girlfriend was not there. She was getting piped by some Chicanos.

That's what he said. That's the intel I gathered. She was giving some oral B. She said, rounder is better. Oral B, not just for your mouth anymore. So I did Des Moines and Donnie totally ate his ass twice. And I made fun of him.

And then we had a vocal conflict afterward in front of the staff. And I have not spoken to him since. And that's the rest of the story. Now you're Frazier Crane. Now I'm Frazier Crane.

No. I'm Paul Harvey. A woolly weekend. It's pretty good, Paul Harvey. Now do Dave Logan. Hey, this is Dave Logan. You got a friend in the sausage factory. Kenny Pickett going into the game. Dave Logan. You got a friend in the sausage factory.

Kenny Pickett going into the game. Can he lead his hometown Steelers to a win over these New York Jets? Right. White Russell Wilson. Is that who that was? But yes, if you were at the Kansas City show, I apologize for being out of sorts. Shout out to the Seattle crew

who came and watched me and I walked on stage and they barked like a dog. That was fun. Also, shout out to the black woman who said during the show, I'm a black woman. Very loudly.

And we all laughed and kvetched and carried on. Apropos of nothing? I couldn't tell what her deal was. Because the lighting on all the shows were in my eyes. And I said, what's your deal there? What's your deal, fairer sex? How soft is your mitten between?

And she said, I'm a black woman. And I said, prove it. And she did. She proved it to everyone that fateful eve. I won't tell you how she proved it to everyone that faithful Eve I won't tell you how she proved it let's just say it was a funky good time I still thought that was Peterman, where are we on time? God only knows. We're probably 20 minutes in.

Quarm. Quarm. Quarm, Jack. You've been summoned. Quarm Uppy. My God, his Ass ate his shorts Oh we haven't discussed this yet Nathan

Or should I call you Mr. Loaf Let me think on it We're halfway through A little less than that What? That's not true Yeah We've done a half hour.

Like 25. We've done 25 minutes? 28. I don't have another half hour in me. My fucking vocal cords hurt from doing that awesome voice the whole time. Stop. I can't. It's hilarious.

I don't know how to interact with that guy. He scares me. Just pretend to be lame. He's doing nine guys. You wish. I did ten guys. I had two Five Guys burgers yesterday. And you bullied me into getting Fat Shack, too.

Yeah, I wanted Fat Shack, and I finally got it, and it wasn't that good. Yeah, it's never been that good. You finally got it. Yeah, I've been waiting my whole life. Yeah, Patrick told me that he thinks you have an eating disorder. Yeah, I've been waiting my whole life. Patrick told me that he thinks you have an eating disorder. Yeah, because

he got the $20 sandwich last night from the shack. I'm sitting up. You watch me eat. It scares me. And he had to order 12 wings. He didn't have to do shit. He did as a form of self-defense to distract you from his delicious sandwich. No, he said I'm going to get 12 wings. He didn't have to do shit. He did as a form of self-defense to distract you from his

delicious sandwich. No, he said I'm going to get two things. And I was like, okay. Are we going to share anything? And then you said yes. For the boys. Wings for the boys. And we split them and you got full like a little baby.

You put your arms around them like a gorilla in the forest i did a bit where i pretended to hold on i've seen this bit guard them it's where you guard them and hunch over them and go and then like that's how you eat i bit i bit patrick's finger lightly it was it was part of the it was part of the bit he likes to do the thing where he's eating but he's like looking you. I know. He wants to see how much more food you have than him. I'm ready.

As soon as he says, oh, man, I got to stop, then I'm in there. What if I want it for tomorrow? Are you experiencing food insecurity? No, I'm flush. You're like a Dust Bowl child. I'm flush with food. Flush with food. You should explore this with a therapist. No.

Yeah, maybe better help. I got a therapist right here. Scratch my nuts. Oh, yeah. Is there any nut update the fans want to know? Ultrasound is tomorrow morning. Whoa. Are you nervous?

I did a little cursory feel for him last night. When I was sleeping? Yeah. That's assault. It didn't seem cancerous to me try the new papa bull only 7.99 get out of here crust it's 2022 we have no more time for crusted papa john's look we said it okay we said it now forget it It was crazy that we did it.

He talks about, remember when we said it. It was abso-nanners. Holy hell, he said it. Papa John's. No more time for crust. Come get your bucket of slop, pig. We know you're doing keto. There's a lot of sugar hidden in the sauce.

What are we going to have after this podcast? I want to sup. Me too. I need real food. Fucking cinnamon rolls delicious. I brought you home two cinnamon rolls and a baguette and I crushed the get. Where are they from? I said get out of that bag and into my mouth. Baguette. They're from the airport?

Hey, you baguettes, wake up. It's okay, because he was holding bread. Shut up, you bag. You dumb bag. My dad walked in and said, it smells like a bunch of baggots have been hanging out in here. We walked to Duddy to do our podcast. I think he might have left because he's heard about what we talk about. More than most things.

Oh, I would have hated it if he was sitting in that chair. Looking like a Japanese man. My dad looks alternately Japanese or sunburnt. He's going down to old Mexico to riddle a couple witches. Do you guys have anything you need to ask me, Jay Peterman, or the guy from Rocky Horror Picture Show? How's Elaine in bed? I wouldn't know.

We kept it profesh. And that's the trick to Peterman, is you always go up, and then you go down. Oh, shit. I was going to say earlier that Tim Curry, rest in peace, Tim Curry, he's still alive.

And that's like his whole thing on Twitter, is that everybody thinks he's dead, and he's not. What a life. Same for Bill Cower. Same for who? Cower has the same ish. Bill Cower?

Billiam Cower. Billiam. Oh, we've already seen that. I hate that the Ravens lost to the dastardly, cowardly Buffalo Bills. I think I only got fucked by the Browns losing to the Falcons. I think I would have hit everything else, and I don't know which of my bets doesn't include Browns-Falcons. And that's a Lund's bet update.

Yeah. I'm getting a little antsy just wondering, did I win a bunch or no? I have to place my late game bet still. We're not going to have time. We're going to have time because we can pause whenever we want to. The Bronco game is about to start. On this very channel, my fine felted friend.

Beautiful. So, Lunn, we didn't talk about this, but Patrick's moving in with me. On this very channel, my fine-felted friend. Beautiful. So, Lunn, we didn't talk about this, but Patrick's moving in with me. Oh, we did talk about it. Patrick has moved in with me. He's up here, yeah. I'm here. I brought all my dumb shit with me. Patrick lives here now.

What games do you own? I own a bunch of board games. Yeah, like what? No classic ones. It's like, they're fun do you have must trap no no do you have shites and letters shites and letters do you have basket of baguettes no no I have I have sorry I'm going to make you work at a bakery that is inside of my ass. Sorry is pretty classic.

I don't have sorry. I wanted to make you work. Apologize. Sorry. Canadian sorry. Sorry. That's pretty good. I get it.

I used to have a joke about Mexican sorry. Lo siento. It was harder because there were too many pieces to get around the board. Racist. Yeah. Was that when you were in your dark era is that when you were saying it and telling the truth that was in uh the noah van skyver's uh four questions oh uh interview series for the westward now he's an eisner award winner who won't answer my texts

he leaves you on red he's in columbus or he's in charleston either way i'm going to see him and meet his baby he leaves him some bread donnie has a fat baby talk about food insecurity yes donnie has a little chodlinger a little hog baby 10% height, 90% weight, 100% his child. I kept joking about how funny it would be if you had a baby to shave your own pubis hair and put it inside of the baby's dipe. Now, if you're wearing one of the ball dangling dipes that we mentioned earlier, you're going to want to seal that flap. dipes that we mentioned earlier. You're going to want to seal that flap. But you have the dipe stuffed with your own southern hemisphere. And you put that fur on your child and you send them in for their six month checkup.

Prank the doctor. The doctor's in there. The doctor's going like, oh, this handsome baby looks good and healthy. The teeth are covered in. oh, that's a handsome baby. Looks good and healthy. The teeth are covered in. Okay, let's check the belly button. Oh, that's a good belly button. Now it's just time to check in on the shiny bulbous egg below. Let's just

open up this diaper. Good God in heaven. Christ on the loving cross. I've never seen anything like this. It's thicker than Tim Curry's eyebrows down here. What would you know about that, doctor?

Run your fingers through my forehead, God. It's even funnier, too, because the pubes aren't glued on. Yeah, they're loose. They're loose.

It's a bag of loose, diaper full of loose pubes. So when the doctor opens it, he's like, oh, God, it grew pubes. But then no. It's shedding. Yeah. Your child had a bunch of pubes, but they all fell out. So I don't know what to tell you, honestly.

Oh, good. Another voice. Well, it's me, Dr. P. Tethers. I'm not a country baby doctor. I'm just a simple country. Tethers Country baby doctor I'm just a simple country pediatrician Deadwood baby doctor I know a lot about babies But I've never seen one all thatched out

Thatched out This one's packing wild Wild thatch Look at the thatch on that baby This infant's thatch is crazed. There's a kid rock concert going on down in that baby. It's like my wife's armpit. It is. It's just growing and always knowing.

London can't figure out the hat. It's too small. It looks really good on you, actually you actually thanks i can pull off most looks that jersey looks small though yeah my and my legs are eating my shorts oh yeah you're quite the scene dude i wish you were at the csu game with us like that yeah i would have been popping lady boners left and right. Dude, that was a dangerous place to be if you're a fucking law-abiding citizen

like myself. You were not fucking cool, brother. You were thinking out loud, Patrick, saying, okay, fellas. Me and Noah were walking. Take it easy. Me and Noah were walking silently and you're like, chill out, guys. It's okay. It was. act like you've seen a pair

of tits before yeah pack of 19 year olds would walk by and i'd be like all right everybody played cool the complete opposite of yeah chill chill chill chill chill yes they're hot doesn't mean that you have any right ladies after you go ahead and go up those stairs. I'll be right back here. Don't look, fellas. Fellas. Hey, everyone. Let them live.

Act like you've been here before. And then that fucking cannon would go off and I'd be like, sorry. Sorry. I feel like I did something wrong. Yeah, and then Dan Jones would run and hide underneath the pool table. At the football game? Yeah. And then Dan Jones would run and hide underneath the pool table. At the football game? Yeah. Dan Jones' cannon would go off.

He's like, ah, I don't know where they are. I don't know where they are. Fallujah. I don't actually own the comedy club. Stolen baller. Play it cool, Dan. Don't act like you never heard artillery fire before. Play it cool, Dan. Don't act like you never heard artillery fire before. Play it cool.

But yeah, dude, there were a lot of spicy young tacos there. If you know what I mean. Yeah. If you can read between those lines. Read between these lines. Yeah, it was crazy though, right? It was, yeah, a lot of hotties Sucks

And not a lot of closies Donnie Townsend's calling Perfect timing, Donnie I don't think so Answer on the pod No, no, no Squash beef on the pod Nope

I don't have to do anything I don't want to Answer as Tim Curry Hello, Donald It's me, Professor Beef Curtain I don't have to do anything I don't want to. Answer as Tim Curry. It's me, Professor Beef Curtain. I heard your kid is a little heckin' chonker. Would he like a kiss? I heard that we could paint an entire barn with four swipes of your child's paint-dipped ass. If we were to dip your child's rump in paint,

I heard we could do an entire grain silo with seven swipes. True or false, Donald? Sherwin Williams is using it as a new measurement for paint. What about Gerwin Quilliams? And he writes erotic poetry.

With a quill. With a quill. It's me, Gerwin Quilliams. And the Raiders have the ball in the beginning of the first. You guys carry on. I can't. Why not? I can't interact with this guy. Yes, you can. I can't. Why not? I can't interact with this guy.

Yes, you can. I'm exhausted from you. I've broken through to the other side. You wiped me out. I need to be wiped. Unlike Donnie's baby. He just rolls and it wipes himself. He just rolls in his thatch.

I like a baby that wipes its own ass me too i wipe my own ass oh shit yeah i i stole valor from big daddy you stole the sweet life of zach and cody valor oh yeah that's like cheating with acting if you have a twin dude child labor laws i know but it's like carry carry the weight, man. You want your name on the fucking poster. These are babies. They're babies. No, they were like six. That's not a baby.

Oh, good. Somebody is paralyzed immediately. Immediately, someone has lost the right to walk. The right. It's a God-given right. It's an inalienable right. Granted by the whites. Anybody in a wheelchair is a sinner.

Everybody who chooses not to walk is not injured. They're lazy. Everybody walk now. Pick yourself up by your bootstraps and walk. Are you in a wheelchair? Are you seeing a hot piece of young ass? You better chill out, brother. Just take it easy there, dog.

Women are for the walking. Hey, bro, just play it cool. It's me, Unctuous T. Boatwright, attorney at Claw. I'm a Claw attorney, a white Claw attorney. If you have any Seltzer-related incidents, call me unctuous philip burton my name you just said it oh my name you're losing it you gotta go to to bed. I think I found it.

Are you booked tonight? No. Thank God. What, do you want me to come down to Boulder and save the show? You need a rest. Save that rancid fuck fest?

You need to be arrested. I'm sweaty. I need to be shaved and bathed. Gather my thatch to prank a small town baby doctor. You there, doctor, come inspect my boy's jennies. Nothing? Don't worry.

Just open his ball hatch. Hold him up to the light when you open the hatch. Open your mouth. I could have loose pubes for the ultrasound yes you could oh that'd be funny you'd be like what's going on it's like well yeah there's this growth I don't think it's anything serious but and also speaking of not anything that I'm too worried about uh my pubes are fell out yeah they're just coming out easily. I've scratched the hell out of my nuts before,

and they have stayed put, but this is a whole different story. Where's the remote, young man? Now I don't know what the hell's going on. Well, you know what? We just want to get the ultrasound, and then we'll have the professionals investigate what's going on with this whole thatch setch. I had blood drawn yesterday, so we'll find out what the gravy percentage is, the gravy ratio.

You had it drawn yesterday? Yeah. Good. Before you had 7,000 calories? Yes. Did they put it in a ramekin? I went directly from getting blood drawn to five guys. Hell yeah. They'll never know. Sorry I had to take a break to five guys. Hell yeah.

They'll never know. Sorry I had to take a break to eat some cream cheese frosting. While trying to shame me for having a couple of burgers like an adult. A couple of burgers. A couple of bad boys. You look crazy. You had four patties.

Yep. Four patties. One with bacon. Yeah, you were like fucking Doug Funny's wet dream. Four panties. Yo, call him Noah's Ark. He has two of everything. Everybody grow grew. I almost got two fries, too, but I instead went with zero fries.

Dude, that one is so many there. Sacrifice. Well, they have the regular and the Cajun, and I couldn't decide which ones. And I was like, well, I don't have to decide. But then I was also like, you're going to spend $40. Instead, God, yesterday I think I spent, what, $60 on two meals? You made me order $100 worth of disgusting fat shit. You were excited.

It's good. Yeah, it was pretty good. I can only imagine how excited you were, Patrick. We were hanging out with Brad Wenzel. Whoa, name drop. He had chicken tendies. Holy crap. He had 100 chicken tenders with barbecue sauce.

He ordered 12, and then he got full after four, and I was like, give me those, and he was like, no. We were watching Looney Tunes for some reason, and then it was just like a duck on the screen like honking and he's like ah you couldn't put this on tv today made me laugh really hard had to be there no doubt yes he had his album recording at the comedy fort uh we know what we need to talk about. What? Quarantine Project Hot Sauce. Oh, yeah. Remember them, our sponsor?

I do remember. I've been plowing through the free samples that were sent my way. Well... Shit is good. If you want to get some hot sauce, you should probably go to that website. QuarantineProjectHothotsauce.com is that what it is i think it's either the whole thing spelled out or you can also do qphotsauce.com

you think we would know this probably see how rick's giving us so much money rick hasn't well rick did give us some hot sauce which is liquid bottles over there myself have you cracked them oh i've cracked them brother i can't get enough of quarantine project brand hot sauce they're really good i think a lot of these are just you know uh a cash grab a desperate it's like the selling makeup for dudes you know you get into hot sauce but rick does it right and uh i'm i'm glad that he wanted to work with us. He didn't want to work with us. I was like, Rick, sponsor our pod. And he was like, well, you got it. He's right on. Here's to feeling hot all the time. This hot sauce is making me thirsty.

If you're considering having 7,000 calories before dinner, why not smother your fucking patties with quarantine project hot sauce it's vegan it's insulin safe gluten-free it's proven to remove genital warts from children no baguettes in this hot sauce there's no roaches in the sauce call it quarmantine because quorum like there were quorum drinks it out of a bottle yes. Yes. He drinks it out of his own nipple because he's got long slippery ones. Quorum has nipples like red vines. Quorum's nipples drag. So, yeah, go ahead and use code.

Chubby. C-H-U-B-B-Y at QP brand sauce dotgov is that it no you just looked it up i didn't look it up i fucking gave up here we go you googled long titties uh qp sauce.com use code chubby it's 25 off their first order that's's 25% off using code Chubby at QPSauce.com. Hopefully we get some fucking money before Fanny comes in and fixes all of our problems. Who's Fanny?

You hear about this? No. We're moving up to the big leagues, dog. You haven't told me shit. Yeah, well, why would I tell you anything? You'll just be like, ugh, fine. More free money? Whatever. Cool. I'll bet it's not free. I'll just be like, ugh, fine. More free money? Whatever. Cool.

I'll bet it's not free. I'll just be sitting over here looking like the gayest, fattest cowboy ever. I was going to take a video of you riding like a grocery store horse. I could itch your balls. I see where they are. I see the whole operation down there. Yeah, hell yeah. It's crazy. It's not that you itch your balls I see where they are I see the whole operation down there It's crazy It's not that you itch them It's that you claw at them violently

They itch so bad I can see the tip of your penis No you can't Oh yeah you can It's right there It's Pinglet Jones Yeehaw I mean look at it It looks like you have two belly buttons Binglet Jones. Yeehaw.

Yeah. I mean, look at it. It looks like you have two belly buttons. And one's an Audi. Good doctor, bad doctor. God, we got to prank Emmy with the fucking baby puke diaper trick. Yeah. Ever change my dipe?

If Emmy ever has to figure out your genitals like hands-on we're doing it she's not going to she's going to uh somebody's going to draw the short straw and then i have to check out you drew the short my short straw yeah you should see it no i don't want to check it out he's covering it up now I just took a video of him. I probably got his dick in the video. Oh, hell yeah. Me and Patrick, we're like a TikTok house. This is a content house now. Yeah, we're... What's it called?

What are they called? Come on, Pat. Riff once. Come on. Professional comedian Patrick Richardson presents. It's called... What are they called? The Instagram influencers.

Yes. That's who we are. Nice. We're Influence House. Take the long way. Influ-en-bombs. Whoa. Whoa.

That'd be pretty cool. Yeah. Saying it. You guys just say it all the time? Yeah. This is the house where we blast it. We blast. Presented by Papa Gurfys.

Slurping Gurfys. Taking fuck pizza. Papa Gurfys. We said it too Take and say it pizza Papa Murphys take and spray Take the pizza Spray the N word

So Pat where are we on time now Pat go check it out I just looked at it we're about there The Broncos game is on I want to watch the Doncos play the Raid Raids. Me wanty Raid Raid game. Vegas Raid Raids. Gorbo wants to watch Raidy.

Me hungy. Oh no, Gorbo has spoken. If you've woken Gorbo, you're in a world of pain. Activate the siren. Gorbo has spoken. Who said it? Who awoke Gorbo?

The racist deity. Gorbo. Gorbo wakes up whenever you say it. Raid, raid. He's a big Raiders fan for sure. Oaktown. Derek Carr.

Marshawn Lynch. I drive a Derek Carr. Vroom, vroom, vroom. I'm Derek Carr. Marshawn Lynch. I drive a Derek Carr. Vroom, vroom, vroom. I'm Derek Carr. Why does Derek Carr look like he wears like thespian eyeliner? He does look like he has. He looks like your friend you do that movie podcast with. Will William.

Yeah, Will's always wearing eyeliner. Will's got sunken in eyes. He's an actor and he always gets offered parts for pedophiles. You know what you need to do is whenever you hang out with your improv friends, don't post it. Or have a deep, deep green circle group. Why? Because I vouch for you.

Yeah, I can't have you out there posting that. What? It's like they're doing bids. I know what you're talking about. It was fine. It was funny. It was funny. There was a man in a pizza costume doing a best man speech at a sincere wedding.

No, it wasn't even a wedding. It was just a party. What? The ceremony, they had already been married. It was a beautiful party. So that was a celebration of their love? Yeah. And a guy thought it'd be fun

to wear a slice of pizza costume? He was starting to get cold feet. And I was like, no, dude, you got to do it. I told him of pizza costume. He was starting to get cold feet. And I was like, no, dude, you got to do it. I told him to do it. He was starting to get cold pizza. Well, he's like the pizza guy. That's his personality. That is the worst thing I've ever heard.

And I just talked to Gorbo. He plays trumpet in the army band. And Trump loved them. Well, that's a wrap on Patrickrick yeah shut up patrick hey uh the south the south we're coming for you in uh just a few weeks at the end of october me and sam yep hitting the road what savannah georgia atlanta georgia savannah october 26th yep charleston october 27th yep laughing. Charleston, October 27th. Yep. Laughing Skull, the 28th and 29th, right down there in Atlanta, Georgia.

And then Wilmington, North Carolina on the 30th. Is it Charleston, North Carolina? It's Charleston, South Carolina. Okay. So it'll be your first time in South Carolina. It'll be my first time in Savannah, Charleston, and Wilmington. Well, we're going to have a nice time. We're going to be eating a lot of BBQ at BB King's BB Gun Parlor.

We should go to Abdullah the Butcher's. What? What's that? Abdullah the Butcher has barbecue spots in Atlanta, I think. You're talking about the Pro Wrestler? Yeah. We're going to go to the Pink House in Savannah, and we're going to go to Sean Brock's restaurant, too. I'm going to spend a bunch of money on this trip, and we're going to eat like fucking...

You're eating meat. We're going to eat like owners. You're not just going to eat sides? No, I'll probably enjoy whatever Sean Brock wants to feed me. Fuck yeah. Because he's like, we're going to go to Husk is what it's called. We'll go to Cookout. And also I'll be in Honolulu this upcoming weekend,

the 5th, 6th, and 7th. I'll be in Honolulu at Tex 808. I'll be at Skankfest. Skankfest sent out the Skankfest presents Gorbo's Rise. Skankfest presents Sayin' It. You know what I've been laughing

about? I don't want to blow this bit right now, but it's been killing me. The bravest man in the world is a guy wearing a mask at Skankfest. Isn't that 95? Yeah. N-word 95. It says it on the mask.

N-word 69. The bravest man in the world is the guy asking people their preferred pronouns at Skankfest. Yeah. Yeah. Are they them at Skankfest? Actually, I'm he, him. Boo!

Feed him to Gorbo! Skankfest sent out an email about merch, and they're like, we'll sell your merch for you. Don't bring any smalls or mediums. your merch for you uh don't bring any smalls or mediums and honestly you probably don't need any larges either bring three larges yeah they're like if you have up to 5x i'll bring them because this is the crowd for that so i'll be at skag fest and we're doing that thing and then boston san francisco minneapolis Boston, San Francisco, Minneapolis, Colorado Springs, New Orleans, Chicago. Then I'm done. Then I quit.

Yeah. You're 2023. You're going to pivot. I need to fucking chill, dude. You're going to walk away. I need to quit drinking on the road. You're going to get another dog. We're going to start directing movies.

We're going to write. We're the new Safdie brothers. Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. It's our new thing, dude. Yeah. What's that?

The one Heaven Can Wait? Heaven Knows What. Heaven Knows What. Heaven Knows What is very much cinema verite. I gotta check that out. It's the most compelling at all times. No, it's definitely like their earlier work, but it's the girl, it's based on a book the lady wrote who plays herself in the movie.

Yeah, it's called Heaven Can Wait by Sapphire. It's called Precious. It's called Precious Gems. Safdie Brothers did Precious. Uncut Precious Gems. What you mean I can't bet on the goddamn tip-off? You're leaning on the

glass, KG. Starring Sam Talen as Monique. What you mean I can't fit it down the hallway at the Diamond District? Starring Patrick Richardson as Gabori Sidibe. Lay back. Lay back. This might be my favorite episode we've ever done, honestly. Jesus.

That first half hour of doing yeah we'll see transvestite voice meets jay peterman that was fun there was a lot of uh veering off of the road and then somehow correcting and getting back on for a little bit i think these people need that and they love that they love us and if you do love us for real leave us alone no go to go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth the opposite please join the patreon people there's a lot of really great episodes on there i would say there's a nice amount of our best uh nestled in the sweet cheeks oh yeah it's crazy what we do over there it's awesome sign up you guys go sicko mode over there well we're scattershot i feel like some of the best ones are free ones and some of the best It's crazy what we do over there. It's awesome. Sign up. You guys go sicko mode over there.

We do. Well, we're scattershot. I feel like some of the best ones are free ones and some of the best are Patreon because we're not like saving up good riffs and bits for the page. We've just fucking blast and whatever happens happens. Also, if you're a frugal person, go to patreon.com slash birthday piss. I put up all of the Chubby Behemoth Patreon episodes over there. Cut this out. So for five bucks, you get my Patreon episodes plus the Chubby Behemoth.

Plug your stupid podcast real quick. It's called Kobos Patrick Podcast. Hey, you want to play an episode of it real quick? Yeah. Hey, everybody. Hi, everybody. This is Patrick. hey everybody hi everybody this is patrick i ate kobos's toe oh no way he thinks it's gal but i ate his toe that's pretty good yeah it's dead on it's that it's exactly like that but yeah patrick's pod

sucks join the chubby Behemoth Patreon. Get on the Chubb Reddit. We love y'all. Follow us on Instagram at ChubbyBehemothPod. We know there's more of you wads out there, so get up in there. How much time is that, Pat? We're good. T-Dog out.

Goodbye. P-Dog out. N-Dog.