Chubby Behemoth - Alex Jones Cover Band

Episode Date: February 7, 2021

Curling Stone. Housewarming. Snooping.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.   Extra Episodes at https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

So, Lund, why don't you tell the people what's going on today? So, this is the first episode in quite a while, a couple months, where me and Sam are in the same room. We're right here on the same couch. Our thighs are sticking to the leather. It's a balmy day here in Trinidad, Colorado. I, of course, made the drive down because I'm a better friend than Nathan. And we're enjoying it, man. We're having fun. I gave my wife some ketamine, so she is still asleep. It's noon. Yeah, we got a couple more hours before the tranq dart wears off.

Yeah, man, before the zookeeper comes calling. And we have to answer for your crimes? They're not crimes. I just sedated her. She said she wanted to get some sleep, so I facilitated her requests. Neville. to get some sleep. So I facilitated her requests. I'm the devil. It sounded okay until you did a devilish laugh and then outed yourself as Satan.

I'm the devil. Ride with me. So Lund opened up his laptop and got on Facebook to open up Becker's request to join the Zoom meeting. Becker's not here, by the way. He had God knows what to do. He had to go, he had to buy a Model T,

and, you know, there's a couple problems with it, but he's going to try and get it running. Yeah. He's a tinkerer. Yeah, he had to go burgle some hams, because he's a cartoon. He drives around in an old truck and just eats pork spare ribs.

But we open up Laundie's on Facebook. And what was the first post that we were privy to, Nathan? From my good friends in Chevelle. It was the latest from Chevelle. Right there at the top. I like to keep in touch with my boys from Chicago. And what song were you singing when you happened to open the laptop? I was singing The Red by Chevelle.

No reason. I wasn't singing Chevelle. There is a reason. They're a good band with a good catalog. The new stuff is not very good, I don't think. But that's one man's opinion. In case you guys were wondering, of course, Rolling Stone's not going to review it. But the new single, Lunn, says, not up to snuff.

Yeah, not as great as, say, Safer Waters or Well Enough Alone. All those songs you've never heard of. Yeah, well, we can't all listen to the Misfits 24-7. I mean, I like Misfits, but... You don't get it, though. It's too complex. You listen to the four bands that you wrote about for Pace Magazine. It was actually Hot Glue Magazine. Pace went out of business.

Oh, that's right. I knew it was sticky stuff. I knew it wasn't Come Magazine. That was the name of my column, actually. It was sticky stuff. Stick around. Bad didn't work. The pages were all stuck together.

Yeah, people missed a lot of you'd be like continued on page 45 and then it was just 44 46 what happened here but i've been down here since yesterday and me and lun have just been cutting and weaving and boxing and tossing uh harassing our wives making sure that they don't team up. Making sure that they realize they're both number two in the hierarchy. Put them in their place. What we have is just something beyond

a traditional romantic love. There's no labels for what we are. We've been through the highest highs and the lowest lows. We've shared clothes. We've shared beds. Women. He doesn't want to talk about it.

Oh, yeah. It's not really true. We've never banged anybody at the same time. That'd be pretty sick. You were asleep. Oh, so count it. Because I'm the devil. You put your dick in my mouth and got a picture and put it on reddit it was tough to tell

that it was my dick because as you said yesterday i probably don't have a good dick there's no way you you would be insufferable if you had a rock and don if i had a big legendary unit i would make you wear it as a like a feather boa you know i'd'd be like, Hey, what time it is? You look down at your wrist. It'd be my dick. Yeah, for sure. You would never shut up about it. We would know about it more than Baumhauer's dick, which is legendary. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty good. We were just little kids. We didn't know what a cool dick was back then. He's also very thin, which sucks,

which is kind of part of the issue where it's like yeah well put on it put on 15 pounds let's see how cool your cock is then see how many inches your gut reabsorbs yeah if i was bomb hour size i'd have like a five inch dick that's that's my excuse like man as soon as i lose this weight my dick's gonna rule i'm I'm going to be too powerful. My wife's going to get greedy. Yeah, I have to keep... She's going to be spoiled. She's going to have to quit her job. Just laying pipe every day.

That would rule, man. Hanging it. Just fuck your wife into unemployment. There's no life for me out there. Speaking of unemployment, how about this? Oh, no. News alert. I've been getting unemployment,

and it was like the coolest thing ever. It's like, at this this is why people do their taxes and so i get unemployment all last year and i'm rocking it rolling it i get to be the bread winner for once instead of just the bread taster instead of the guy stealing the bread from safeway you weren't even allowed to swallow the bread you just taste it and spit it into his platoon i'd chew it up for megan yeah we were sharing bread and brought you some bread and it sucks yeah you thought that fresh bread would survive two and a half hours of a drive and then a couple hours in the car just bacon just stewing yeah so that was like $8 worth of bread. Now I have to write off. It's a loss. But yeah, so I had used up most of my unemployment, but then there was the new $300 a week from the feds. Because Biden rocks.

From the CIA. And all that money from Venezuelan oil right into my pocket. So I signed back up and they're like, hey, guess what? We were sending you too much money for the last year. So you owe us five grand. And I'm fucked. You don't have five grand.

There's no bridges in Trinidad that could kill me or else I would already be dead. You need to jump in front of a moving truck. There's, well, yeah. Splatter factory there's plenty of trucks down here that would be able to take me out there's just these tanks with truck nuts hanging off the back and they would love to take you out oh yeah i'll wear the shirt i'm wearing now that says abolish the police yeah some pinko lib yeah yellow belly

cock i'll have my flowered mask on so that everybody knows that I voted for Bernie and then Biden. Yeah, you had to vote for Biden. Yeah, against my will. Gun to my head. Well, if I could afford a gun, it would be to my head right now. It'd be in my ass. I'd make you taste it afterwards. Yeah, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm hoping I can

still get that $300 a week, but then it's just going to go back. So I'm getting, I'm funneling money from the federal government and then giving it to the state government yeah so that's pretty cool like a patriot yeah that's what they call it i'm insider trading yeah that's right i'm an inside class trader what are we gonna do uh i don't have any money i lost it all on game stock that's right i was gonna say you're gonna give me a bunch of money but uh i'm't have any money i lost it all on game stock that's right yeah i was gonna say you're gonna give me a bunch of money but uh i'm down four hundred thousand dollars okay so we're gonna

have to disappear i think we should probably go into fisher's peak state park is mostly uh unexplored at this point it's very uh vast all right and so only a small portion of it has been opened to the public so we can get in there. We under the guise of being a couple of guys. Yeah. That's rock on tour. Just tourists. You know, we'll get some big cameras and we'll take pictures of each other while there's other people.

Shorts. You get a khaki vest. I'll have a shirt that says Colorado on it because that's how you know you're a fucking moron from Arizona that's visiting. I'll have a Sturgis shirt. Take this mask. Sturgis 2020? I survived, bitch.

I'll wear two masks over my tits like the bartenders. American flag masks. Then we'll be married. Once the heat dies down. I'm not sure if you guys heard any of that, because Becker just totally shit the bed. No, he'd better.

Becker sucks. But it's... You can't hear this. It's very annoying. It's very annoying to think that Zoom would just, like, fuck up for the first time ever when Becker has to multitask. Yeah, well... Normally he's just sitting there doing dabs touching himself he's half-heartedly he's like half half-ass fondling himself while he's giggling fake laughing at us yeah he's got a solid chub going

uh the kind isn't it the worst here we go when. I was just thinking about how sometimes if you're like jerking it and you're not really like focused on it, maybe you got a big meeting later on in the afternoon. You're thinking about what's for dinner. So you're jerking it and you're like, oh, I'll get hard as a diamond and then I'll come. But then all of a sudden you're about to come and you're just like. Who cares? Well, you're just like, you're just half hard and but you still come it's very annoying coming half hard is the worst part about being a man in 2021 it's annoying it's like come on man like this in between well it's because your heart's literally not in it

yeah yeah your heart's like well we could either keep the brain alive or get this guy to 70 percent yeah it's like a compromise that your body does where it's like, I'm not going to get you all the way hard. I'm just enough for a little white stuff to come out. Yeah, have you ever noticed your toes are real cold when you're hard? Come on. Get it together. Get that thing out of your hand.

I've got to stretch more. So are we going to try to go over what we talked about? Let's try and recreate exactly what we spoke about before. Just in case. Yeah. Ready? So, uh,

being married to a doctor sucks. Cause all of the coworkers are Indian. I think that's what we were talking about. Right. That was the gist. Yeah. Okay. Um,

Becker, you know, bad guy. Becker sucks. Yeah. He definitely diddled me once. Whoa. Yeah. It definitely diddled me once. Whoa.

Yeah, it sucks, man. One time I ate too much taffy and got the taffy sleepies. I woke up and he was inside of me. Speaking of which, Luke Lockfield owes me a bag of taffy that you gifted to me and that I left at Luke's house. Yeah, but if you're dumb enough to leave taffy in a teenager's house. It never materialized. He was supposed to bring it over or he was supposed to hit me up no follow-through of course not man i just ignoramus i didn't think about it till now and i'm furious i'm seeing red well we were in uh what's that

rocket fizz and i was like should i get one some taffy and emily was like no i was like all right case closed okay it's a gavel now there's a new person i'd be mad at be mad at my wife yeah that's what i'm saying welcome to my world luke's off the hook yeah luke is off the hook and everyone's bra is gonna be off her back dr dr emily is on my shit list i want you guys all to know by the way that i love my wife very much and me making fun of her is not an actual state of the union address oh boy what is she a lawyer now is she threatening legal action well she's is she, a lawyer now? Is she threatening legal action? Well, she hired a lawyer, which is even worse. I wish she was a lawyer because I could represent myself.

I think that if your wife is a lawyer, you can't get divorced because you talk to her about your case. They're not allowed. Lawyers aren't allowed to get divorced. It's double indemnity. They know too much. Yeah, exactly. Insider trading.

If I was to talk to a lawyer and then my wife went to her to get a divorce, that lawyer cannot represent my wife. Right. That's how it works. Yes. I've seen a marriage story. Adam Driver. That guy's got a fucking ween on him. Oh yeah, he's got two. It sucks. He's got one that's pretty good and then another

one right around the corner. If a man has a long face like Ichabod Crane, if he has like, you know, I hate Hitler nose, he a man has a long face like ichabod crane if he has like you know i hate hitler nose he for sure has a big dick you know what i mean yeah i hate hitler too but my nose doesn't say it again i want everyone to know i need to be very clear on this podcast hitler's bad i love my wife it sounds like suck It sounds like your lawyer has been listening to our podcast. And they're like, all right, I have a list of things that you need to do. You have a checklist to go through and clarify point by point.

My lawyer is both a Semite and has a ponytail. So he's in that very small sliver of the Venn diagram. It's complicated. Jewish guy with a ponytail. I'm untouchable, man. Looks like a record exec from 1990 yeah exactly it's like he works for geffen uh-huh he just signed del div de vo he's also very funny it's cool to have a funny lawyer because then when he gets serious it's even funnier like we had a contract that we had demands on we sent it in yesterday and he was like

oh excellent they haven't addressed one of our concerns. And then we just laughed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Then he did like Chinese voice and I was like, chill out, chill out, dude. We don't do that on here. Allegedly. Yeah, exactly. Let's put that in there. That's the lawyer's favorite word. Allegedly.

So yeah, if, if, if we, if we lost any of our previous conversation, I also mentioned that I was collecting unemployment. They hit me up and they were like, hey, we were giving you too much unemployment. So give it back. Yeah. And now I have to ask my former landlord for, you know, three grand. Yeah. And he's not going to give it up. You're going to go to Al for money?

I'm going to go to Al on bended knee. Whoa, you're going to suck off Al? Well, yeah, bended knee, open mouth. You're going to slurp Al? I think that's the only way that I'm going to get a dime out of him. Well, no, the thing is, you're like, look, I'll suck your dick for two grand. And he's like, oh, of course, you're like a son to me, which is weird, you know? Yeah, because I'm about to suck his dick.

Exactly, it's also hot. So you slurp off old Al about to suck his dick exactly it's also hot so you sleep off old al but you're also recording it so then you have the black male yes okay and then that's an african-american fellow recorded that's another a guy yeah and that's and then that's you know don't finish writing that check it's not two grand anymore it's 10 put a couple more zeros on there yeah hell yeah okay this is like well wait but how am i in trouble because you're the one sucking my dick and then you're like oh no he's married and then you owe him five grand no no he's married though so i'm gonna say write that check or else this video is gonna be in the mail addressed

to your wife he's like jokes on you We're actually married by rabbinical law. Because if one man sucks another man for money, in the eyes of Yahweh, they're married. Damn. Yeah. He is an Old Testament scholar. He is. The Talmud.

Yeah. Okay. So now you owe me a thousand bucks for this advice. I suck his dick and then I have to pay him money. Yeah. All right. Welcome to, this is Biden's America. So yeah,

my current plan is to disappear into Fishers Peak State Park. I think that they recorded it, right? Who knows? I literally have no idea. With Becker stumbling and mumbling, he knocked his

laptop over. Yeah, hes. He knocked his laptop over. He spilled some surge on his laptop. He's never even using a laptop. He's always on his fucking phone. Does this have legs? You spill some surge on your surge protector. Oh, shit. Coffee blast. I just fucking spit everywhere. Like after Al loaned me money last time.

It's cool that Al was our landlord. because he's for sure corrupt, right? Yeah. I mean, he calls it old school. I call it soulless. Yeah. There's a lot of different words. We have a lot of words in our lexicon. He calls it being a man.

I call it extortion. Yeah. I call it sending a bunch of Guatemalan guys to a guy's house the main thing that was cool was that he didn't raise everybody's rent he raised other people's rent yeah yeah he liked us because we were artists or whatever yeah or whatever whatever we told him because he was probably banging our wives he said he was like he saw we had an acoustic guitar he was like oh hell yeah oh You guys like berets? I was meant to learn how to play. I like berets too.

I'm out. That's not a good out. God, every impression you feel like you have to say the person's name the way nobody does. How often are you like, I'm Sam. I say that a lot. You never do. I do. You never have.

Remember last night when I got here? Hey everybody, I'm Sam. Yeah. Your wife was like, shut the fuck up. Threw a mace at my head. Whoa, you just eye gouged your dog. She is being real needy. You just fucking Roddy Pipered her.

I shoved her face like I did that gal in college. Yeah, yeah, you love shoving women's faces. Yeah. That's your thing. That's my move. Yeah, yeah. You love shoving women's faces. Yeah. That's your thing. That's my move. Yeah. I'm loved. Get out of here.

She wanted to, you know, get validated because it's been 30 seconds since somebody called her a good girl. I know how she feels. She's hanging out with you. She's one of the reasons I have to disappear into Fisher's Peak. Yeah, because she cost you a bunch of money. She almost died. We bring her back to life.

And guess what? She has no skills that would bring in money. Totally useless. Also, didn't she have a little adventure on the lake? Oh, yeah. Your favorite thing is me being mad? Well, check this out. Buckle up.

A few days ago, Megan and I went to Trinidad Lake State Park. Nice little getaway. Well, yeah, I tried to walk the dogs because it was supposed to snow the following day. And it was very windy, but we still figured we could have a good time. So we get into Riley Canyon, and we let the dogs out. We don't have them on leash because it's better, you know, if they get to explore. They don't have to be right underfoot.

And you guys can hold hands. We can hold hands. We can make out. Dogs can go fuck off. But, yeah, we were there for like 10 minutes, and we're walking, and it's nice except for the wind. But we have a little bit of a buffer. We're sheltered a little bit from most of the wind so it's working out I'm

like hey best nine bucks I've spent today and then all of a sudden to pay your wife for her time it's nine dollars to get to you to access Trinidad Lake State Park Jesus what a scam yeah I'll talks him down to seven to get in but yeah he's got the gift of gab and by that i mean a pistol pointed at the guy that's right he's old school yeah but uh hope al doesn't hear this al doesn't listen to our fucking podcast he's too busy making money off of people during covid he's too busy shorting GameStop. But yeah, so we hadn't been there very long and the wind picked up and blew

a tumbleweed across the frozen lake and mama fucking tore ass after this tumbleweed and just is gone. Just is getting smaller and smaller in the distance. 300 feet away. She's fucking disappearing,

and we're screaming at her to come back, but she's got her sights set on a fucking tumbleweed as if it's a bag of gold. And the whole time I'm just thinking, oh, okay, she's going to fall in, and we're going to have some real tough decisions to make. Do we go in after her? No. Do we ensure our

mutual demise? The three of us die in that lake and George Michael just has to get a job at the college sweeping floors. He writes a memoir about it, though. He gets rich. He's at the college sweeping floors and then he goes into a math class and he solves the equation on the board.

And then he gets to fuck Minnie Driver. Dog genius. Dog genius, yeah. That's the plot that I'm writing. Okay, so he would have been okay. He would have been fine. Well, I just like to imagine Creech and you having to come to the decision where which one of you is going to send the other one out there like a curling stone.

I like to think that you get completely nude, and you lay on your gut, and she just grabs you by your back hair and sends you out there like a curling stone i like to think that you get completely nude you lay on your gut and she just grabs you by your back hair and sends it out there i have to george michael's on your back yeah he's piloting you i have to i have to spread out my body weight across the ice yeah so i'm doing like the grinch where he goes on his fingers and toes he's creepy crawly yeah i don't know what the fuck megan so mama disappears practically and then either realizes it's a tumbleweed or realizes that we're screaming at her from 500 yards away to get the fuck over here. She comes back, and we got the hell out of there before she, you know,

had a massive seizure in the middle of a frozen lake. Or did her thang, as we call it. Yeah, yeah. Or, you know, she sees a bird flying and then just alights to the sky. Yeah, breaks her own neck. But we were, you know, flying and then just alights to the sky. Yeah, breaks her own neck. But we were, you know, I was like, I don't know

what the fuck we would have been able to do if she would have fallen in the ice. And Megan was like, well, I would have gone out there and I would have had you call 911. I was like, what, to let them know that my wife is dying? How are you going to go out?

If Mama falls into the ice, then either of us would certainly fall through before we were able to get to her. For sure. But, yeah, it sucked. Luckily, she came back. It would have been funny if she was just gone. We just couldn't ever find her. It's like, oh, thanks.

You owe us money, bitch. Or maybe I like to think that you're like, Mama's gone. Then you have a flash cold moment and you're like, Creech, what are you going to look for? Then you start over. It's just me and George Mike. Yeah. The boys.

Oh, shit. Making noise. Emily's calling. Don't answer. Emily, we're podcasting at lunch. Hang up on her. Okay. I don't know.

40 minutes. Go back to sleep, bitch. Have some more tea. Oh, that's how you do that. Yeah. No, I love her. And she's always like, why do you say that stuff about me on the podcast? It's like, look, if I actually called you a bitch in real life, it wouldn't be funny.

But me calling you a freak bitch and, you know, saying I hope you choke or whatever, all my fun catchphrases. You're a character when you're on the pod. I am. I'm a cool husband. A character named Sam Talent. Right. You share a lot of similarities with the real Sam T.

But the personality's cranked up a couple of times. Right, yeah. And you can tell that I'm doing character because I keep saying, hey, it's me, Sam. Yeah, that's how you know. Oh, God, I'm going to puke. What happened? The fucking five gallons of coffee you made me drink? Too much coffee.

Jesus Christ, this guy loves coffee. And I show up with a nice fresh bag of coffee, a big cup full of milk, and he blasts my ass because it's not ground correctly. I'm Nathan. It's not ground good. I don't know. What am I going to do? And then he pours it. because it's not it's not ground correctly i'm nathan it's not ground good i don't know what am i gonna do and then he pours it it's perfect fucking coffee the best thing i ever had you never even said thank you you said i'll put it with the pile

like all my hoes bring coffee when they come visit stop bringing me stuff you bring me bread you bring me coffee it's called being a nice it's called a housewarming gift oh yeah thanks yeah five dollar bag of coffee you got me a quarter of a pound of coffee yeah like a cup worth i said what's the most spiteful amount of coffee you sell you gave me a handful of beans i chewed them up myself i'm like that weird raccoon who swallows them then you eat them out of their shit oh yeah that's the thing yeah it is and you're welcome is that coffee i think it's coffee it's like a nut no that's coffee oh weird or it's cacao cacao i don't know but you're the lady at the coffee shop i walked in i'm wearing a pink nike sweatshirt she said I like your sweatshirt she had a big pink

swath in her hair I said it matches your hair then we did it right there the character Sam Townsend ravaged this woman really gave it to her you're like Hulk Hogan the character Sam Townsend

has a cool dick he does what he wants. Goes over on everybody on the roster. Fucks every broadcaster's wife. It's funny that the man named Hulk Hogan cucked a man named Boa the Love Sponge. That's when we knew the simulation was real. That was the first Mandela effect.

Skynet is live. It's funny to think about Alex Jones being like, everything I say is the truth. You gotta come to me for the truth. And then his wife is like, I'm leaving and I'm taking the kids. He's like, it was all an act. It was just for the sponsorship. I was goofing.

It was a goof. I'm a character named Alex Jones. 1776 will never rise again. That's what I call my dick. It's dead. It's limp. I'm a character. This isn't real. I'm a character named Alex Jones. 1776 will never rise again. That's what I call my dick. It's dead. It's limp. I'm just fucking around down here. Come on.

I love my kids. I love you. Come on. Give daddy a smooch. Smooch daddy. The character Alex Jones was cheating on you while riling up a bunch of the dumbest people in America. The insurrection was just a bit.

Parkland was staged. So is my marriage. I'm free to do what I want. I like Alex Jones as an idea. I don't listen to him, though. I just saw somebody say online that he's in Waking Life. So I think he might be the guy that's driving the boat car. What's Waking Life?

It's a movie. The one where it's cartoon over the face? Yeah. There's a bunch of people in it. It's a serious movie, but it's a movie that's the one where that's cartoon yeah face yeah there's a bunch of people in it it's like a serious movie but it's for babies he's in it interest it's for college sophomores yeah exactly so just learned how to smoke a cigarette with the with a holder it's for people who just did dmt for the first time i haven't done dmt whoa you're gonna love waking life it going to make a lot more sense. But yeah, now I want to watch it again because, yeah, Alex Jones used to be less crazy

and then realized that was where the money was. He followed the money, and it was down the rabbit hole of false flags and Jewish conspiracies. Zionist. Thank you. Globalist is what we say in the message boards. Globalist.

I mean the character Sam Town and his friends say in the message boards. Yeah, I'm having a heart attack for sure right now. What's the matter with you? I normally have one French press of coffee. Were you trying to impress your guests? No, but you were like, I said I'm making coffee

and you came over with, hey, I have more coffee. It were trying to impress your guests. No, but you were like, I said, I'm making coffee and you came over with, hey, I have more coffee. It was a housewarming dinner. So I made it. Well, you wanted more coffee, so I made it. I didn't need more coffee. I was fine with one little cup of coffee. Well, I wanted more than a cup and a half

of coffee and then I overdid it. I was trying to show me how macho you are. I haven't had water since January. Well, there's snow melt outside. Get up there and start lapping it up. Snow's not water. Snow is technically water. I know.

That doesn't check out. We'll have some, go get some fucking water. I can carry this like usual. No, I'll be good. I got to power through. Okay, well, your lips are turning blue. Something's coming up. It'd be so funny if you bombed all over me oh god good pod emily walks in right after you throw up on me and she's like i figured this is what you guys were up to this makes sense my wife never

smoked dm well so allegedly my wife never smoked dmt And then her and her friend Sarah B., you know, friend of ours, has them. They went to some, like, party at the Stanley Hotel. And Emily went from never smoking DMT to having smoked DMT vapes, like, all night long. What? Yeah, her and B were just fucking sucking on the devil's rod. You can vape it? I guess. And they were just blasting with, like, tech millionaires smoking DMT. Were they in a can vape it? I guess. And there was blasting with like tech millionaires

smoking DMT. Were they in a Murder by Death show? I think so. Yeah. Those are at the Stanley. Yeah. Or it was Death from 1978 or whatever. Death from above 1977. Death from below 1776. Yeah, I think so. The Alex Jones

cover band. This one's for Zion. Oh, the Black Flag cover band False Flag. Yeah, I think so. The Alex Jones cover band. This one's for Zion. Oh, the Black Flag cover band, False Flag? Yeah, exactly. Gotcha. They do the Stanley. Yeah. Against me and against the state. Against your best interests. So allegedly

she was just blasting DMT all night long. Got to see an alien's dick. Yeah, just having breakthroughs and stuff. That's cool. Calling me and being like, time is a wheel. You're the cog, baby. Come over here and be my rainbow serpent.

Money's fake. Yeah. I'm not a doctor anymore. I'm a witch doctor. God is love. Yeah. And her and B both came back wearing Undertaker hats, and everything was fine. Those his love. Yeah. And her and B both came back wearing Undertaker hats and everything was fine.

Those hats suck. It's the worst thing that happened to women since the pill. I don't know. Nice. I hate those fucking hats, man. I told my sister yesterday, like we were hanging out on Wednesday or something. I was like, look, I'm so proud of you for never wearing one of those fucking suede hats you suck yeah my sister's a nightmare man she's so scary you just complimented her i love her dearly but i'm like really glad that

we're allies to have you my sister against you against me no she doesn't care for their politics my sister's a turf she's an astroturf though which means she thinks that they should send you know all those women to space let them take mars uh no but like we were partying we were not partying my mom and my sister and i went out in downtown fort collins on wednesday and i was like not gonna drink and my sister was like oh you don't drink for breakfast what's the matter with you she's talking to me like she's got back from world war ii you know she's bullying you yeah have a drink who cares have a little sip have a little tipple daddy you know she sneaks mimosa into your coffee oh Oh, yeah. How would I not taste this? This is awful. My mom's just over there doing the jack-off motion.

Flicking her bean. Ew. What? My mom's bean is ingrown. It's petrified. It fell off. A raccoon ate it. Yeah.

Gross. What? A raccoon bites my mom's clitoris off. That's a bummer. What do you mean what who me oh yeah yesterday or last night no the night before emily figure it out emily's we were in bed and i was reading and emily was doing that thing where she's like bothering me while i'm reading you know uh making fun of you for reading yeah she's like bothering me while I'm reading, you know? Making fun of you for reading? Yeah, she's like, oh, nice book. Hate speech? At the end of that book,

at the end of that book, are you going to be a doctor? No? No. Shut the fuck up. What are you reading about? Oh, soccer hooligans? Cool. She plays, she just blows butt farts on my gut. She plays bad fish on my belly button. What was she doing?

Just asking you inane questions to distract you? No, so she'll be like, okay, I'm going to bed. And she'll put on an epi, as she calls it, or she puts on CSI with a sleep timer so she can go to sleep. And then she'll still be awake, and I'll be over there reading, doing my due diligence, you know, trying to crack the code. Make the pieces fit. Exactly, yeah. I'm just doing

the mentalist thing. Both fingers on my temples and just kind of squinting and looking in the mid-distance. So I'm reading, and I'm trying to let her go to bed so I'm not bothering her, you know, I'm not fucking asking for milk, which is why I just go over there and suck on her shit. But she comes over and she says,

I'm your baby. And I was like, okay, where's this going? What is this? And then she said, you gave birth to me. And I started laughing so hard. Like, where's this come from? Pretty good bit. Where's the gold when I need it?

You know? Yeah. Usually she's just quoting Weird Al lyrics. Oh, God, you just throat punched your dog. But then she hits me with, I'm your baby. You gave birth to me. Which is some new shit between a man and a woman. Yeah, so you're rock hard.

No, I was not. You're loving it. It was like that raccoon got a hold of me. Fucking severed my tip. I like the idea that she says that she's your baby and then recreates the epic fart that you once did as you were acting like a baby. I don't think there's enough oysters in the world for her to recreate that fart.

Damn. Because I drank like 15 IPAs the night before and ate like 75 oysters at Oyster Fest. And then laid that all on the line for my family. I don't want a tombstone. I want that on the loop. Just over wherever you guys leave my body. I think we're going to stuff you so you can be standing.

Just eternally leaning into the crowd. I don't lean anymore. I leaned for maybe three weeks and then everyone was leaning, and I quit leaning. I can't understand how anybody thought that the secret to your success was leaning towards the crowd. Because they're all haters, man. Why was that what people thought they could take from you and have it translate into their success? I don't know, but I can name like 10 people who started leaning immediately after my fucking ascent, like the Phoenix I was.

And you would do like the hand on the knee? No, that was... Bend over? No. Because I was so tall. You weren't doing that. When people, when I was on stage, I had to kind of lower myself, like no friends that you were like, no, I'm one of you.

So I cut off like, you know know a foot and a half of my height to lean down and talk to all the lower yourself to the please yeah exactly the faceless masses yeah exactly but yeah then all of a sudden people are leaning you know they're doing a lot of noises they're slapping their guts they got a notebook it's like all right lean towards the crowd he's pause for effect Seek out an older gentleman and call him a silver-haired fox ten times. I'm excited to see how many comics decide

to write a book following your lead. Good luck. Write a book about a character who is desperate and from a different time than their generation. That'll be fun. I'm excited for your book.

Yeah. I'm making a cookbook. I can only make a couple of things. Bagel sandwich. I've told you about that. A couple nights ago, I made some pretty good quesadillas. That's why we got tricked into paying $12 for a quesadilla. Great welcome to Trinidad.

Man, it was $11, and I think it's worth it. How about this? A lot of meat. Last night. A lot of cheese. It was good. I only got one bite because my wife was a little pig. Emily snarfed it.

She did. I was like, cool, I'll get this fucking green chili plate. No way Emily's going to cram all this quesadilla. I finally microwaved my tortillas because, you know, your best friend left them out of our order. Emily didn't even chew it. It was like watching a duck. She just, oh, God.

It's like you and Al gives you money. Yeah, she was in blackmail mode. She was, yeah. She was having us take pictures of her just swallowing this queso barria quesadilla whole she was and i was i had black face on um it was a character so anyway i really wanted some of that quesadilla i'm kidding me but i think your cookbook could be success uh yeah it's gonna be pretty short. I'm also going to tell people the best way to make a frozen

pizza, because there's a couple ins and outs, some insider tips. Walk us through it. Put the people on the sacred knowledge. Give them the ism, daddy. I think it's a false flag to preheat the oven. You just got to get that frozen pizza in there and crank it up,

you know, 650. Get the oven... You know, 650. Yeah. Get the oven. So that, you know, instead of waiting for it to, you know, preheat for a half hour and then another 20 minutes for the pizza, you get a mostly hot pizza ready to go into your mouth in like 10 minutes. Also, I don't even take it out of the box. Oh. Because that. I might steal that.

Because it's like a little, it's like a little, when you cook a hot pocket even take it out of the box. Oh. Because that. I might steal that. Because it's like a little, it's like a little, when you cook a hot pocket, you put it on the sleeve. Get a little sleeve. Right? Same thing with the pizza box. I'm sure you might eat some melted plastic. Just a little. But I mean, humans are eating plastic all the time.

Most of the frozen pizza cheese is very plastic-like. So it's almost like you got a double cheese pizza yeah for the price of a single cheese it's just more nutrients is all it is yeah and uh yeah i mean i like a good frozen pizza i haven't had one in a while because i'm not a fucking you know pig i know as you have yours it's like you're stacked to the brim that freezer's bursting with frozen you looked in my freezer because as soon as you enter a place where I live, you just start snooping around. Snooping? You are. You're looking

for bits, for things that you can make fun of me for, even if it's something as simple as having frozen pizza. You'll be like, hey, look at Lund. He's got a bunch of frozen pizza. What a psycho. And it's like, what are you talking about? He's like, hey, gotta love me.

You only have like three in there, too. It's getting old. It's not. You yelled at me. You just start looking in the cupboard. You chastised me for opening your cupboard. I was looking for a cup for water. Well, yeah.

And you got on my ass. Instead of either asking for a cup. No. Some water? No, but this is what you did instead of asking for a cup or just getting one you opened the cupboards and then closed them

because you were yelling at me no because you weren't really looking in there you were doing a bit I was seeing if I could fit in there so they were preaching you were looking for a funny thing to do so that all eyes could be on you Emily and I are trying to catch up and you're like look at me it's been five seconds no i'm the star i wrote a book i was trying to bring some mirth to your

life i came to your small town i was at the globetrotters you brought a bunch of girth into my life that i did not ask i wasn't trying to do a bit. I was really looking for water. But I felt your eyes on me. You didn't. You're scorn and disdain. You somehow didn't see all of the cups that were looking right at you. And you're like, oh, I can't.

I can't find any cups. Well, then why look in there? You looked without looking. I looked without looking. What kind of fucking Taoist shit is this? It's real. What is this, the art of war? My mom pointed this out to me once, because when you're younger, you'll look for something, but not really.

Yeah. And then, so you look, but you don't. And then you're like, oh, mom, I can't find the thing. And it's like, did you really look? Yeah. Or are you so distracted by, you know, the last Beavis and Butthead episode? You can't actually focus on finding what you're searching for. Okay, so is it better to give a half-assed attempt at looking

and then ask your friend who lives here where the cups are? Or when someone brings up, let's play Yahtzee, and you spend an hour and a half searching every crevice of your fucking house for dice? Which one's better? Emily wanted to play Yahtzee. She said we can play Yahtzee. So I looked for dice and I couldn't find them. For until your wife had to go to bed.

No. Yes. No. You looked for at least an hour, dude. No, I didn't. You're lying. Also, while I'm looking, we're talking. It's not like I had to focus so intently that I blocked you guys out.

I was still participating in the conversation. Yeah. It's not like I was in focus so intently that I blocked you guys out. I was still participating in the conversation. It's not like I was in the north wing of the house on the second floor. This place is 500 square feet. It felt like you needed attention. You kept coming out and being like, look what's in this box I just found. You take out everything.

You answer it like a phone. You know, oh, a picture of you in high school? Mm-hmm. Well, that... That volleyball body that caused that caused a pretty good uh tangent look at those shoulders i know what happened is the suit made that way i think i got it too big probably because you look at the look at the lapel i was in pretty good shape that's how chris pierce stands it's a volleyball body it is like you said you look sick your mouth is huge your

hair is perfect i got too many teeth yeah what happened uh eventually i had one tooth extracted and that was all the difference well anyway we didn't find the dice if you guys want to send dice to lun's house he lives right here at uh ash street Trinidad, Colorado. Start sending dice in, y'all. The most I could wrangle was three dice. Two from Settlers of Catan, one from Clue. Are you supposed to have two for Clue? I don't think you are, actually.

I think it is just one die. No, I remember because you can move 12 paces. No. No way. You're not just moving six at a time if you're lucky. I think that is the case. It's a slow game. We used to play with four dice. Now we're talking. Because Clue, the board

is too big for one die, but I think it is just one die. There's a lot of meandering around the board. Well, it's two die. The dead body, Mr. Body. Correct. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that? Let's have his last name be Body. Is that really his name? yeah pretty lame

is it spelled B-A-W-D-Y? like a naughty grandma? here's a clue come up with something better than Body for your dead body's last name well it's been around for 80 years it's a great parlor game before the birth of humor but I wasn't snooping I want you to know that It's a great parlor game. Before the birth of humor.

But I wasn't snooping. I want you to know that. No, you're going. I'm seeing how you're living, brother. That's what you always do. You're going through the motions. Oh, I'm looking for a cup for some water. Are you really?

Because there's one right in front of you, and you didn't see it. You're just being hurtful now. You're doing a bit. I wasn't doing a bit. You'll know what I'm doing. If I was doing a bit, I would have drank out of Megan's boot. That would have been a a bit. I wasn't doing a bit. I was doing a bit. I would have drank out of Megan's boot. That would have been a fun bit. Oh, look at this coffee cup. It's made of leather.

That would have been solid. Well, instead, I wasted all my good stuff on you. Oh, good. Emily's going to do a workout class, then shower. I don't care. You're hot enough. You're perfect as you are. As I always say on the pod.

All right. Hey, whoever's reaching out to my wife and snitching on me for being me, you're fucking dead. All right. I'm going to get some of Al's guys on. Yeah. How does she know?

She doesn't listen to this shit. She's too busy. She's rewatching bones. Yeah. And, uh, you know, mixing up people's medicine, playing God.

Yeah. He'll never walk again. Because of me. She got done. No, so. Becker. Take it out. I can't.

I don't think that I can accuse my wife of malpractice. That's what my lawyer said.practice. Those are my lawyers. Allegedly. Allegedly accuse her, yeah. No, it's just crazy to have a doctor wife, you know? She's always like, hey, maybe you should eat a vegetable. I'm like, is this a vegetable? And I point to my asshole and I say, here, give a spoon.

You hungry? Look at this broccoli flower. You're going to live forever. So, Len, how are you going to entertain me today because I'm the guest? I'm going to give you a couple of great suggestions for places to check out. Okay. And then I will say goodbye. Oh, all right.

And good luck. And I will watch Pat McAfee on YouTube. I've got to catch up. He doesn't have a new episode today. Today's Saturday. It's a Lord's up. He doesn't have a new episode today. Today's Saturday. It's a Lord's Day. I don't think I watched Wednesday. So I'll watch Wednesday's McAfee show.

Okay. Get some tips for how to bet on the Super Bowl. You got any money in there yet? Of course. What are you doing? Chiefs, right? Chiefs minus three. Because last year, like a total fucking spy the

biggest spy in the history of espionage yeah we got caught up in uh luke lachfeld's homerism i wanted to be rooting with luke we were all about the niners and then he stole that taffy from you and i didn't know who to trust anymore but yeah i fucking put my bankroll on the goddamn niners trying to be a good friend gambling Gambling doesn't care about your friendships, alright? Slap your money down on the Chiefs minus three. It's a steal of the century. Yeah, that's a good move. I'm getting death threats. I mortgaged my house.

You said it was a lock. Yeah, we really two-timed people between GameStop and the Chiefs minus three. This is not financial advice, but if you're one of these fucking undercover agents going all in on Dogecoin, you deserve to be fleeced.

Ugh. Playing checkers over here. Yeah. I'm telling you, buy Telcoin. That's where I'm at. Whoa. Hey, if you want to make a little money, that shit will hit a penny by the end of the year. It's funny that people are just finding out because of this current thing. Because of our podcast.

No, just because of all of the Robin Hood, Wall Street stuff. They're like, wait a minute. Everything's gamed against us. Everything's fucked. It's like, yeah, no shit. Yeah, no shit, stupid. Yeah, oh, wow, breakthrough. The stock market's been around for like 200 years, and it's been set up.

You know what else was fleece was how only 10 people were allowed to buy property until 1920 or whatever. Is that true? Well, you know, it was only men, white men that could buy land. And a lot of the white men were you know right off the boat from ireland or sweden and they weren't even white back then they weren't considered yeah they were so they were like barely able to like buy you know some graveyard and uh we mean manhattan island yeah irish just bought up all the worst real estate. They bounced back. Yeah, they're fine.

But yeah, I don't know. It was just like completely fucked forever. And a bunch of people were just like, yeah, but Democrats were looking out for people the whole time. What? You mean accolades to which parties with Lincoln? Yeah. Yeah. Read some Zinn, man.

Put down the Zinfandel. Pick up the Howard Zinn. Yeah. Learn your ass something. Yeah. Yeah. Read some Zinn, man. Put down the Zinfandel. Pick up the Howard Zinn. Yeah. Learn your ass something. Yeah. Go to Howard Johnson. Pick up some Howard Zinn. Go to a Hojo.

Yeah. Read Little Ho's Eye. Watch Lost in Translation starring Scar Jo. Oh, yeah. Lost in Translation. What a great ending to a movie. Mm-hmm. Ambiguous.

It's hard to end. Sexuality. Hey, man. I'm all day. Keep them guessing. This thing is really it. Yeah. I'm Fat Pat. I wish I wasn't

ambiguous. I wish I had any bit of nuance to my sexuality. I like honkers. Maybe wants milk. You know. Around the corner, fudge is made. Give me that for a minute. I'm good. I'm not hard yet, but I'm gonna come.

Yeah. You're welcome. It's kind of a nice move, I guess. It's what gentlemen do. Would you rather have a turgid wand in your mouth or just like a water snake hey you want to chip a tooth or do you want to go get some dinner yeah exactly come on you're hungry that wasn't much of a meal a little appetizer it's funny to think that my neighbors now can

hear both sides of our conversation finally instead of just me giggling and then being like, shut up, Sam. Uh-huh. Emily accused me of fake laughing at you. When? She accused me. She was like, why, I hate it.

Because she was mad about the podcast because she was studying for her real estate exam because being a doctor's over. Yeah, she is. She's addicted to working. Yeah, the jig is up.

So she went to night school to become a pilot or whatever. I don't know. Who can keep up with her fucking antics and schemes it's like being married to dennis the menace i'm mr wilson because uh you know i committed war crimes in the korean war but she was like oh i hate how you laugh so much on the podcast and it's like well one's being really funny and she's like no

he's not he's trying to be mean yeah just trying to you know chip away at our friendship foundation yeah it's impossible man that's not cool yeah if i mean if you being really mean to me about asking for a glass of water isn't going to do it then what will you didn't ask you just started opening up you get so mad it's so annoying when I have to turn the sink on for my friend. You know how I hate that. Well, I can't reach. I'm not tall enough. Oh, the character, the character, the podcast, Sam T is five, seven.

I am. I'm three foot 10 with a 10 foot dick. Like who was that? Joe C. Is that his name? Right. Yes. Three foot five with a 10 foot dick. Yeah. Hell yeah? Joe C? Was that his name? Right? Yes. Three foot five with a ten foot dick.

Yeah, hell yeah. Joe C. R.I.P. They buried him in a shoebox and sent him to C. Size three. Drank pee. I can rap. I can be in Kid Rock's band.

You're rapping right now. I am. I'm a present. Unwrap me. Put a bow on me, Donnie. Not that long ago, I saw somebody shared the Creed

album cover and was like, this was a major release because it was very funny looking. It looked like a bad MS Paint kind of a weird Photoshop. I was laughing at that and then uh megan brought up that kid rock and scott stapp had a threesome that was leaked like a sex tape came out of the three of the three of them. Who was the third? I don't know. Nobody cool.

Smash Mouth? Yeah. Two of the three brothers were in Chabelle. Yeah, they spit-roasted Joe C. Yeah, it was like doing a fucking

His ten-foot dick kept getting in the way. It was like spit-roasting a little dove. A little quail. Their dicks were touching inside of him. That's right.

That's what killed it they ate them bones and all under a towel so god couldn't see the pleasure so god couldn't yeah send scott stabbed to hell under a towel uh but yeah i don't i don't i didn't remember that being a thing oh yeah but she looked it up and not the tape but like confirmed that that was a thing it's pretty funny to think of kid rock and scott steph banging some broad yeah backstage at family the family values tour well marilyn manson's just lighting money on fire and sipping epsom he's bad i heard yeah he's getting he's getting dragged uh through the mud and i like all the people who are like and his music sucked it's like yeah okay obviously you didn't get it

yeah he was hardcore and you and you're a little turd you like stained. Yeah. Just like your underwear. Right. They're fucking stained. You were scared of Marilyn Manson. Looks like a mime took his face paint off. You called him a freak. I didn't really ever get Marilyn Manson. Also the

kids who were into him always were kind of creepy and gross and like malnourished. Oh sure. They never saw the sun. Yeah. I mean he grew up in what Ohio and then moved to Florida. I think Oh, sure. They never saw the sun. Yeah. I mean, he grew up in Ohio and then moved to Florida. I think that's right. He had the worst situation. He really turned it. He was like

you times 20 when it comes to attention-seeking. He was like, look, I have tits. I'm attention-seeking? Yes. No, dude. I literally sat here last night, right here in this chair, while you talked for 40 minutes about the adventures of Lund. Not true. I sat here like this, like I was praying. And you kept bowing at my wife.

Your wife bowed at me. No, allegedly. Which was quite the sign of respect coming from anybody except for a white chick from Michigan. Don't gender her and so it seemed allegedly it seemed uh like it was a bit and she insisted that she was doing it with reverence and i was like well that does make sense i'm you're older i'm deserving of respect that's right yeah i'm i'm 15 years her senior really how old is she 29 yeah i am what year is it 2021 uh-huh so i'm about to turn you woke up from your 40 year slumber i'm about to turn 54 so i am 15 years older 24 years old you have so much to teach

us indeed oh shit whoa it's becker gross. I've been looking at the... It looks like we've been recording, so I think we're good. Yeah, I checked. My phone screen said whether or not we were. It looked good the whole time. Okay. Well, yeah, we... We probably don't have an hour yet.

You're about three minutes short, probably. Ew! I'm right here. I'm bleeding internally. I'm 18 inches away from that eruption Yeah well you've got whatever I've got It's not good You've got what I've got dude

It's passion Catch it Lund's been blasting me the whole episode dude He's been listening He says I'm a bad friend attention seeking I always need cups and water You shouted out his address. Yeah.

Like, that was his real address. Like, I'm dumb enough. And also, like, I give enough of a shit to know his address. Oh, yeah. He said, instead of because he forgot about his hate speech du jour. This is all a character.

This is a character, yes. No, this is real, man. I'm Sam. I'm Sid. I'm doing an impression. So, Becker, Wally wants to take us on a tour of the Fox Theater. Apparently, he's going to sing us a song. Oh, yeah.

Have you heard about this? Singing people songs. That's his move. He's trying to get signed to a record label in the most organic of ways, a very roundabout way to get the word out. Just like one or two people at a time, he'll play this song. Under the guise of check out the acoustics in this old theater, and then he's hoping that somebody will eventually say,

my uncle runs geffen records yeah and you whatever it is you've got it hey my name is danny interscope and you just got a million dollars congrats my uncle rick is rick rubin the inventor of the rubin and he's married to my other uncle rick ross Welcome aboard. Oh, Trey. You're going to be opening for Run the Jewels in no time. Yeah, right. Run the Jewels, the white guy's hiding out in Amsterdam right now. Like Polanski?

Hiding from extradition? Why do you think that's what it is? Well, a lot of people from America that... He's assumed that he diddled a girl in a hot tub? That's right. He doesn't rule that hard. Whoa. Allegedly. I'm Sam. I know what the P stands for. Pedderast.

No, he's married to a fucking... What's her name? Who? You don't know her name? LP's married to somebody hot and famous? Nelly Furtado? No, she's our friend. What?

Yeah. I... I don't know if I should put this out there. I would assume that it's public knowledge who LB is married to. Yeah, she's married to Emily Panic. I don't know who that is. She's a comedian from New York. You know.

Oh, okay. So he took her last name. The P stands for Panic. Is that it? I don't know anything about these. I'm trying he took her last name. The P stands for panic. Is that it? I don't know anything about this. I'm trying to catch up with you. I'm Emily's friend.

She has huge feet. Emily at the disco. No, no, no, no. Emily panic. Emily panic at the disco. Emily pandering to the panic at the disco crap.

This might be the last episode, Becker. I don't know if you heard, but I think that our friendship has been annulled. Come on. Yeah, because apparently I'm a baby and you've got to love me. Sam can't take any criticism without folding like a fucking tent in the windstorm. I folded like a tent last night. Also, listen to this insane move. We,

you know, buy one dinner because that's what you do when you're a guest and he's like, oh shit, that can't happen, man.

No way. So he tipped like 40 bucks on a $50 dinner. Also not true. But his buddy Mario doesn't wear a mask. I wanted to try to take the hint,

Mario, use this tip money to buy a mask. Yeah, you just fucking tape these bills to your face. Quit wheezing, you sober Sandy. We got there at 7.30.

He was going to close shop at 8. So I figured, why not tip? I was going to tip 10 on 53, which is less than 20%. And I was like, I'll get it closer to 20%. So I tipped two more bucks. So it's 12 on 54 he kept code switching too it was crazy

I said Andale facetiously and then I was like ooh he's gonna think that I meant it because we're hungry because we're having a late dinner and so I apologized I said lo siento Mario mi amigo yeah you were like man these weddos know que pasa.

I rolled a couple of hours that did not need to be rolled. Yeah, because they were at the end of words. Rolling hard hours. I made it sound. There's a gang down here. No, it was very nice of you to tip them. I didn't mean to buy you dinner. I don't want you tipping a million dollars. You owe the government 15K.

We're not going to tip because we're going to get barbecued from a guy in a shack in a trailer. Yeah, we're just going to give him some gunpowder. So I'll give him a thumbs up. Yeah. I'll tell him, I owe you one, brother. Hey, brother, thanks for defending our rights over there in Fallujah. Tipping should be illegal, according to me and Alex Jones. I owe you one, brother. Hey, brother. Thanks for defending our rights over there in Fallujah. Tipping should be illegal, according to me and Alex Jones. I am Alex Jones.

Tipping is a false flag. False flag. Me. Jones. Quit choking me. God. So, yeah, me and Lunder about to hit the streets, man. My wife's towering off.

Hey. She got a hose down We're about to put the The sheet over her And have a bite She's at the car wash Come on get the pills Taking a free shower

See where the night takes us We're gonna follow her To Vining Rods Megan's working a double Yeah she's about to be When she gets off work Oh shit Allegedly For the Joe C treatment a double. Yeah, she's about to be when she gets off work. Oh, shit.

Allegedly. For the Joe C treatment. I'm Scott Stapp. You're Kid Rock. I get to be Kid Rock, yeah. Who's like 10 feet tall, apparently. Anyway, hey, if you've enjoyed this kind of ribald humor, or ribald if you're a dickhead, go ahead

and subscribe to our Patreon for the love of fuck we're killing it over there some of our best episodes have been patreon episodes not on purpose we're not saving the good stuff for the uh patreon exclusives no but the issue is that's the first time we talk every week is when we do the patreon right so we catch up yeah it's like oh hey we gotta yeah we gotta get water out of the stone right yeah hey did you see this up uh you see what uh dunesberry's up to frantically searching for something in uh in the local paper yeah oh god uh familycus is pretty fun. Check it out. Look what Dagwood's up to. I'm a baby.

I'm not a baby, by the way. You do have to look. Emily's your baby. She is my baby, and I gave birth to her. I'm her mommy. And then she tries to go down on you. You're like, come on. Oh, God.

At least unbuckle my diaper first. God. That's whatbuckle my diaper first. God. Oh. That's what she's always doing. Your team. Yeah. Hopefully we got enough in this episode. But, hey, go over to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth.

Give us fucking five bucks a month. All the money goes to Lund so he can come down here and be mean to me. Hopefully we can all grow from this. I'm going to internalize the things he said and try to be a better friend. He's going to continue to be a warlord and a dictator. I'm fully realized.

Lund rocks. His house is beautiful. He has a nice life here. I'm still figuring it out. I'm trying to guide him and manage him, point him in the right direction. Yeah, somebody saved me, somebody made me. Those hot chicks. Oh, yeah. What was the name of them?

Harpoon Tang. Harpoon Tang. I was trying to come up with something else. So that we would not be sued. Yeah, and also we're not going to send our fucking legion of chode holders. That was a fucking five-pack

of havers. Yeah. That was a fucking ten-piece. Oh! I've gone feral. But yeah, hey, we love you guys. And allegedly a couple women. You can end it with that's fine. No, that's the dumbest way to end I've ever heard.

Okay. Well, so hey, guys. Leave it in. Make Sam sound like a piece of shit. Don't leave it in. Thank you, guys. Courtney. Courtney, roll.

London, say anything disgusting. Nope. Oh, my God. Gaslighting sound. It's me. I'm the devil. The puppet master comes out on top you learn from the best sofia she always wins she's the fucking queen of hell she's playing chess

but yeah no we love you guys becker you know what