Chubby Behemoth - Anne Fried Rice

Episode Date: January 11, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsors: Prize Picks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY & use code CHUBBY to get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!     Rocket Money - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/CHUBBY     HIMS - Support the show & get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care with HIMS @ http://hims.com/CHUBBY     Brunt - Get $10 Off at BRUNT with code CHUBBY athttps://www.bruntworkwear.com/CHUBBY #Bruntpod #sponsored #ad     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week Sam and Becker are joined by Ran Barnaclo in Cincinnati. Sam decides Becker will be the buzzer, believes Lund would kill Blake, and really wants to put Ran's head in a turkey. Ran thinks those guys have hair, just ordered cloaks, and has been having dreams about time travel. Oh, for your head?     00:00 Right To Fight State 03:16 It's All Milwaukee Tools 04:47 Why You Whispering? 06:23 There's Terry 07:20 In The Tub 08:42 Three Studs And A Dud 11:24 Goof Soup 14:28 Dipped Off Them GLP's Mamma 17:14 Smell No Different 20:08 Only Witness 24:12 The Sam T Train 26:42 Cored And Gored 30:18 King Of Show Business 32:00 So Much Good Stuff 36:04 Coat Vs Jacket 37:57 Al Dente At Best 40:20 Really Just Snoozing 42:13 And Then My Dad Left 45:42 I Don't Talk Like That 48:17 Number One Shoe Stunner 50:04 Hot And Cooked Or Cold And Raw 53:17 Had Some Baby Blue 56:11 Not Doctor Doolittle 58:24 Whole Quesadilla 59:55 One Cow One Bottle One Mouth 01:01:37 Got A Wall     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

They're taking off and look, he takes off. Hey, what is it? Hey, get off me! You can't offend you. You can't offend you. Ohio's the right to fight. Yeah, dude, this is the evidence. This sucks.

I don't know what he's doing this to you. What is it called? I don't know. Hard castle? What is it called when you can stand your ground? Castle doctrine. Castle doctrine. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's fair the cords out. Fuck this. Blowing it right away. Totally informed for a second. I don't want to, but I will. I've got one of these. I can tear it up.

God, damn. You can replace it. Becker established his dom immediately. Yeah, I know. He put me in the middle. Primal alpha. He put me in the middle, like a little cream.

Yeah, he wrapped you up in his cocoon of wonder. Yeah, dude. All right. Well, hey. Stink cocoon. That's what you get, man. You get enveloped in the Beckman

in his blue shirt. Ew, eo, eo, eel. It's blue. That's blue-ish. That's all right. This is blue. This is blue. This is called blizz blue.

Yeah, this is like, hey, I'm in the muffin, baby. Yeah, this is more of a Navy. You're culturally more in the Navy. Yeah. Guys like us, we're like dockworker types. Yeah, we're like stink men who yell and hold hooks. Yeah, his mom was a rat. My mom was a war frat.

His dad was a big, like, wooden box. No, my dad was a forearm. And my mom was a war frack. His mom was a tattoo of an anchor. My mom was a tattoo of a dancing, lady. My father was a fish that could come.

And he came Rand. Rand came out 32 years old. I was like, where's all the cigarettes out? Could I have a

skateboard? Is it illegal to skateboard on the decks? Is it illegal to skate if you have fens? And then Dan Friedman

was there and he was like, ah! Imagine Dan Friedman's hanging out by the ducks and he sees a fish come you out.

And then he'd do a three-place. What the fuck? Dude, he was pissed at me last night. Yeah, because you kept misgendering him. After everyone else to do it too. Yeah, you were like, hey, here's the new thing, young comics. I'm like, oh, babe, everything I say.

Call Dan Freeman, miss. Yeah. And then Andrew Pinell walked him to the kitchen for the first time ever. Get the fuck out of here. Panell fled. Yeah. Dan spit smells like camel lights. Oh, my God.

Yeah. When Dave. When Dan pops his knuckles, one of those flavor balls pops. Like, a pimple crush. And he's like, I don't make pizzas. It's better than a Zinn. All the pizza smelled like cigarettes. He told me he doesn't make pizzas, so I ordered a pizza.

And? He's like, I'm the friar guy. I don't make pizzas. Johnny T. was on pizza. Dan thinks making it pizzas hard. He thinks that he's making a cake and he doesn't understand why it's not sweet every time. Why is this tastes like pizza? This pie tastes like spaghetti.

Oh, this is an apple pie? This is fucking pizza. I wanted dessert, not dinner. Oh, this lasagna pie. He's such a stupid... He's wearing a Lance Armstrong yellow sweat wicking, tucked in shirt. No, but he rode there from Dayton on a bicycle. It's Milwaukee Tools.

It's a Milwaukee Toul shirt. Marty gave it to him. He was like, here, Dan, for when you're working in the lot. So you don't get hit by a car. He's like, thanks, Marty. He's in the lot. He's always out there sweeping around and butt hunting and shit. But hunting.

Dude, yeah, he's a butt huntling. He wants the snipe. Yeah, he's a snout. He's like, I need another Ziploc. He's like, damn, that's a contundee's best. My bed stinks. My bed stinks. Yeah, he's an angry old woman.

Yeah. back there. I'm not going to call him ma'am. Do it, dude. Chuba Hubbard touch. He's going to yell, but he likes it. Becker, you should walk in there and be like, excuse me, ma'am, can I have some tater pots?

A guy's never seen before. Excuse me, Miss. Can I get a couple pretzel bites? Yeah. You got a hummus plate, man? What the fuck? Ma'am, there were any red peppers in my hummus plate? That's not my fucking.

Wait, hold. You say ma'am or man? Yeah, your name's Diane Friedwoman. That's what you're calling him, Diane Friedwoman. Is your name Damp? Who are you? My name's not Diane. I'm a man.

I wish I was Coop. Fuck, I live with my mom. Is Coop alive still? Excuse me? Coup. Why you whispering? I don't know. He's alive.

Hope he swings by. I saw him not one week your and the motherfucker look good. Who did he come down for, Jamie Kennedy? He came down. down for... Who did he bless? Oh, no, he came down for... Sam Evans.

New Year's Eve. He worked New Year's Eve, and he was... And I was up on there. And Tyrone Hawkins' headline. He worked New Year's Eve? Yeah. He bartended? Yeah.

That's great news. Sometimes he comes in and he'll... Everybody comes tonight. Maybe he will. He came last time I was here, and I felt blessed. Cooper's the bartender at Nanners. Yeah, he's sense. Yeah.

He's sense. He rocks. Yeah. He rarely smiled, but when he did, there was wisdom in it. Yeah, he smiled wisdom. I want to get a fucking candle made a beeswax, light it up, let it melt, put my lips in it. I'm chapped. Are you really?

Yes. I don't want yours. I got this. I don't want your animal experiment paste. No, I got... All right. Dr. Bronner's, it's mint. It's like that shit that...

Have you ever used that soap? Yeah. The Dr. Briner's soap? Yeah. Dude, can't use it because it hurts. You put it in your bottle? Yeah. Dude, it fuck's your asshole.

Is that true? Yeah, but dude, do it in the summertime when it's hot, and it's kind of like getting a nice, like your butthole smoke to Newport or something. Yeah, exactly. It's pretty nice. Put it on your wiener holes. It's like Dan Friedman fingered you and popped

his knuckle in there. It's like Dan Friedman knuckle popped. Oh no. Oh no, dude, it's the exact size. It's also blue. Yeah, dude. This is the blueberry brothers. Blue man group.

This is brought to you by. Dude, do you think the blue man group dresses in blue when they're not all dunk? They're legally not allowed to. They're not, allowed to dunk outside of Vegas? No, they're not allowed to wear blue unless they're like on stage. No, no, they wear black

on stage. They do blue. I know, but they can't be out in the world identifying themselves as members of the group. It's a secret organization. If they don't have blue head, they can walk around. I think those guys have hair. Those guys die for a month. So they're just blue all the time. So if they wear more blue out in the world, people

are like, that guy's blue man. There's Terry. Yeah. You think they're wiping that off every night? It's plastisol. It's the same thing they used to like weatherproof boats. Yeah, I think they got... It's rhino liner. They're just dunking their heads in a big bucket.

I think they got... Yeah, but I think they got another... I think they got another bucket that undunks it. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I think they undunked themselves. An undunking solution.

The turpentine. Yeah, like a turpentine type situation. I like to think that your friend Blake's in some kind of tank at all times. Oh, I call him a hirking in all the time. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm doing?

Uh-huh. How the fat guy sits in the big black pool? That's right. That's Blake. When he's not here, he's just in the tug. And when Lund's not here, remember Mojo? Oh, from X-Men? Yeah, Lund's mojo in here.

He's shirtless. But he doesn't like gaming. No, he's just watching. But he's Mojo watching Facebook and not paying attention. Yeah, but he's just, oh, that's true. Yeah. Mojo's just like, it's basically Lund is just in a computer chair. Lund's the internet.

Yeah. I told you how Lund gets around. He has a big broom and he pushes off the walls. Yeah. What's that? Preach. Towards the television. Turn it up.

Yeah. He calls himself the Orsman. Yeah. That rocks. The boat swaying of Trinidad. I'll be right over, honey. The not finish this. The microwave beeps in it's like,

whee-o- Yeah. Yeah. Lund rocks. I wish he was here. Me too. He'll be with us next week. I'm not seeing Lund like ever again.

Oh, wow. Yeah. Baud over? Mm-hmm. Pod's done. Dude, I would love it. in my pod. Well, I would love to have you on the pod instead of Lund.

But hey, you know. No, I love Lund. It's just that he's a big star now and he's doing his own thing. There's no room for the little people. Yeah, that's true, man. We should all start a podcast all four of us. What could it be called?

Chubby machine. What about three studs and a dud? And every week we have to decide who the stanker is. Oh, damn. I hope I win. Yeah, be a real hard choice. Of duds? Yeah.

Between me, Blake. London ran? I didn't think Blake I thought I was being included. No, Becker, you are included but you are the buzzer. So when everyone wants to buzz in, you're the deciding vote. He's a deciding vote. They slap your head. No, no, no. His head is in like some kind

of like bowl. And whenever anyone wants to answer one of the dud-off cues, they have to slap his head. And he's like, boolee? He's like, well, the question is. His nose is bleeding by the end of it. He's all fucked up. He's got to go to, like, a neck. You'll surgeon to get one of them foam

High Johnny's. Or he just gets like a yoked neck. Just his neck is like swall. He's just. Yeah, he's like popping shirt. Bring me. I dare you to buzz in. Yeah.

You buzz in, you break your hand. His head doesn't fit in the bowl anymore. Yeah. We can't get him out. We put him through a milking table right now. We put his head through that. The wiener hole of a milking table. That's right.

Yeah. A used. Thread the needle. Thread the needle. Yeah. Yeah, that'd be a good show. Dudd Club. Yeah.

Dudd Club. Yeah. The Dudd has to wear a non-blue shirt. Damn, dude. You got to wear a red shirt. You want to hear about what we did last night to Becker? I put him through a little like hamster-esque gauntlet. A Rube Goldberg machine?

We have ten different strains of weed here. And I listed them all and then fed him nugs in bowls. And he would hit it and like try and guess what strain it was. Wow. he got one right randomly and then you're still hot yeah

yeah no shit yeah I mean duh he's like well time for bed he slept right there slept under the nug tape yeah he's like I'm gonna sleep out here with my friends and then he

he watched three stooges through the glass table on the TV and it was six stooges he was making him laugh he's hitting yeah he's training he's training for a dud club there's a bunch of grease stained

underneath the table. Yeah. Damn, dude, Dud Club will be good and then when one of us can't do it, we'll just all quit and never do it again.

Yeah. I mean, it'll be really easy. You get one episode off. Yeah. We all live in separate cities, you know, between needing to be in a place where

Blake's tank could be. Lund's chair. Lund's chair. Lund's or chair. What if Lund is sliding around, you know, the airport? plane hanger.

Yeah. And his chair tips into Blake's tank. Oh, no. Then you got a goof soup. No, no. What you have is like an orca versus, you know, Godzilla. They have to fight for the tank. I think they would end up kind of molding into one amorphous kind of nasty.

No, no. Lund would kill Blake and it would run. The tank would be pink with his blood. I don't think so, man. You think Blake is sweet, but he's more parasitic than you give him credit for. He bit me once. Yeah. I think he can.

seven months. That's because he loves vampire stuff. He just bit you to practice. He's Anne Rice. He's Ann Fried Rice. Yeah, he's Ann Fried Rice. He's LaSpat. Dude, is he a vampire guy?

You shouldn't talk about this on here. He loves, no, he talks about it on our case. What, he has like a cape? He's like mincing around somewhere by candlelight. He just ordered capes. We were to clothes. Well, that was just a shirt for Blake. We got a dark green cloak and I got a navy blue cloak.

Oh, no. Still blue boy. So what? You're going to vamp around the sins? No, we're going to do like a podcast called Baby Wizard where every... Oh, you told me about this. We're trying to cultivate for the live show every Tuesday at Commonwealth.

We're trying to cultivate like an indoor Renaissance festival. I get it, man. So we want people to bring in hay. Smites. We want people to bring in chicken, sights. Girls pushed and dumped stacked up. Stomp, push, dump, stacked. Turkey legs.

Turkey legs. Yeah. From Taiwan. Puk and snot. Two guys being rude. Guys, they throw tomatoes at each other. Jousting. Mutt fight.

Jalsting. People in metal clothes. Yeah, just bring back Thai food. Rats. Rats. Biting. Did you say Thai food? I meant typhoid.

Oh, Typhoid. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what Marty calls it. But I think we get a bunch of fucking guys in Commonwealth with spears and different kind of Yeah, just John Hayes types But not bald We'll really turn this whole thing around I mean Hayes is going to show up covered in mud

And just like completely nude Just covered in mud man and like stare at people Like he was fighting the predator Yes, exactly He's our mud man Yeah, he's gonna be the king of the scene He's the perfect guy to be our mud man I mean hopefully he's gonna come in covered and just caked in dirt

Like riding on a stallion He's gonna be like who welcomes death We'll be like mud man He just tramples people with his horse Yeah, that's fine. I mean, that's kind of the scene we're trying to cultivate every Tuesday night. I get it, man. It might take us a couple years, but once we get it down, man, you're going to see.

You're all going to see it. I'll be back here on a Tuesday, and I'll come in as like some kind of visiting Viceroy, Kingley type. Yeah, yeah, we'll put you in a bunch of like. I'm going to ride in on Phil Pointer like a camel. Yeah, dude. That might be a bad look, but all right. Well, no, he'll announce me.

He'll go, God damn. He'll be like, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome from Detroit, Michigan. weighing it at 104 pounds. Yes. He's actually got me like... He's dipped off them GLPs, Mama. I'm not even... He's not on all fours.

I'm just on his shoulders because I'm 104. Yeah. I'm kind of like crumpled, like sacked on him. Yeah, you're sacked on him. Like your tits are kind of like kind of a sort of a cloak.

Right. Yeah. And he flips up my nips and he says, I love you all. Bye. And then he plops me. Plops you. And we go,

go on up there and say something for it. It was Bucket King. I slither. Yeah. Yeah. And everyone, like stoked that I'm going to, I heard Sam Town's going to be here.

And I show up and I'm just like deflated. And everyone's like, Yeah, exactly. Kill me. I wanted to, hey, has anybody seen this new kind of car? What? Everybody's like,

bo. You're like, I'm sorry. I can't see. I've been in a closet for a year. Yeah. My wife rolled me up in a rug. Why are you doing like a joker? couldn't find me.

My wife. She's alive. I've been stuck in a jar. Becker, you can't do it, but I can't. Guys, this is everyone's favorite part of the podcast. Do people hate the ad? No, no, they love it because we bring in our guests

and we let them pick the app that we read. Oh. So, Becker, what are you? We bring in your guests and we let them pipe our mouths. Oh. This is usually where Becker fills some air. Well, no, this is where we don't. Well, you want me to vamp?

I'm going to cut this and put it in the middle. Oh, okay, good call. Okay, I have to read this verbatim, so no razzing on this. This episode was brought to you by prize picks. The action on prize picks is hotter than ever, with playoff matches every weekend and elite hoops action almost every night. Just follow your instincts and pick your lineup. Oh, I really love football action.

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Prize picks. It's good to be right. I've been pickled for a year. Yeah, you pick a barrel. Dude, that would be a bit. You would smell no different. Oh, come on. Come on.

This house reeks. That's not who you think that is. Yeah, it smells like fucking. fucking weed. Yeah. It's a fucking jerry fucking weed head. Jimmy Neutron over there. Jimmy Newstrain.

Tank Abbott doesn't smell like balls or ass. It doesn't smell like that. Man, it smells like weed. Yes. It smells like weed. It's covering up, but there is an underlying balls and ass and feet. Oh, shut up.

That's not me. I can't shut up, man. That's this couch. It's not this couch. This couch is new. Yeah, how new? It's new. It's new.

All right, I believe you. He just bought the condo. God. There was a real humongoid in Columbus in the second row. And I was doing my Zin bit and he pulled out his and he had blue. And I took him and threw him into the crowd, of course, then gave him my yellow. And I said, welcome to the future. And I was like, you like yellow?

And he said, I like all colors. And I lost it. He was like an adorable little boy. He was probably 450 pounds. And he had his blues bag. He had a zintin like it was a fucking little Debbie in front of him. of them and he went, I like all colors. I was like, ah!

Speaking of which, I headlined after the Christmas show, I headlined the 26 to the 28 weekend here. Lund weekend. Lund weekend. And I was talking to some kid in the front row he told me he just turned 18, he was sent with

his sister, and I have this bit about pegging, and I go, how big do you think you could handle to the kid, right? And the kid goes, I don't know. Tird size? I lost it, you know.

It's a rifted. Turd size. That's huge. That's massive going back in. You can't reverse the train, dude. Once it leaves the shoot, you can't put it back in. No, I mean, when they get you.

He got me, he was genuine, bro. He was like, oh, I don't know, turd size. I was like, you turds are different. He was like, no. And then his sister says, he was genuine. if they weren't? I was like, what is going on? Are you pooping into each other's butts? You're peeping into each other's mouths.

I had one like that the other day where I was wearing that pink shirt I was wearing last night. It was in Florida and I turned around and I said, does my back look like the shroud of Turin? And a lady in the front row said, looks like a vagina. And I was like, I was

already turned and I just started laughing. And I was like, don't turn around until you're done laughing. Don't let her win because she was kind of a bitch. Yeah. And it looks like a vagina. You want to turn around full force, stone-faced and slap her right in the mouth. You want to turn around and your face is a pussy and then you go down on her with it. I just look like, blah, blah, God, I wish I could go back in time.

I've never wanted to slap a woman. What would you do back there? I would, I wish I could go back and, I keep having these dreams where I have this power where I can go back in time and I'm also invisible. I can't affect the past. I can only witness the past. You're impudent. Huh? Impotent.

You're impotent to change anything. No, I'm hard. But I get, yeah, I'm impotent to change, but not to erections. Yeah. To bang Winston Churchill or whatever you're up to. Well, no, I can't. I'm a ghost. I'm unseen.

I can just go into a place. I can go. So it's like the past is show business. And you're yourself today. Right. I'm myself today. I'm unseen. I'm unwatched.

But you have, but you have. But you have this insane power that no one else has. In your dreams, it's time travel. Whereas in real life, it's, you know, the growling, you know, the feral animosity that you bring to the stage. You're such a singular performer. So maybe this is a projection. Yeah, and that could be true. But as far as the dream goes, I think I'd want to go back in time and see who killed John Bonnet Ramsey.

Go ahead. Oh, I know who it was. Who was? Becker! His girl talking here. You live in Colorado Springs? No, he came up. He rode the bus.

No. Yeah, he rode the front-range flyer. I was five years old. I got one. They're all by myself. You bastard. She was rude to him at a McDonald's play place, and he went up there to settle the score. She dumped them in the bowl pit.

That's right. Yeah. And he was like, I'll get you after Christmas. Yeah. That's crazy. I've been watching. My YouTube algorithm is all, like, guys that are like, wow, this detective says, they're never going to solve anything. He was the brother, right?

I think it was the brother. You're not allowed to say. You know, the father... They're litigious. The father had another child who died on a boat. She died in a car wreck. Car wreck. Is that what it was?

Beth. Okay, so Beth died as well. I'm deep, man. I'm in. Yeah. Yeah, but she died in a car. And you were what? Like 15 when she died.

I was six... You were on a skate tour with the fallen skate team, I think, right? Yeah, me and Chris Cole when spin flips down big fours. Yes, you probably... You're probably kind of drifting through Boulder around, man. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm bolder. But then, you know, but yeah. You're probably busking on the mall. Yeah, I don't know how. Actually, I think I was like 10. No. You were big for your age. I'm 37.

When did that happen? I don't know. You're the expert. 96? I thought it was a little before that. I was 11. Huh. I would have been eight?

I thought I was younger than that. But it's fucked up, man. I also want to know who the Zodiac Killer is really bad. I remember a kid at school one time said, more like John Ben-Gay. Ramsey. That was pretty good. That's nasty. That little girl died. Allegedly. Show me the bones.

I want to see the bones. Oh, classically, the bones defense. Yeah, I want to make a necklace. The bones defense for proof of life. You know, that's like the richest guy in the world has John Bonaise, like, rib cage, and it's a xylophone, his guest house. Yeah, it's probably in the Epstein list. Yeah.

It's probably on little St. James. It's like a bingo hopper for fucking Saville. Yeah. Yeah. And then B-9. God, I watched the Jimmy Sable thing. I bet you did. Is that guy dead?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was tough. He was a tough guy. Real bad boy. You think he did it? I think he did it at least once. I think it was a bit trumped up otherwise.

Yeah, I think, well, you got to watch out for him, too. I think once is enough times to be considered bad. Yeah, I don't think you get like a freebie. Yeah. You don't get out of jail free card. There's no like maritime lulls. There's no international waters for the ultimate evil for ruining a child. The ultimate evil destroying a life at its inception.

Yeah. Now, Becker disagrees. He went eerily silent for that moment. Yeah, he dissociated. Yeah. He was taking stock on his life. If you want to come take stock on Becker, come see him in Fort Worth and Dallas this upcoming weekend. We're at hyenas.

Becker will be there. Lund will be there. Then the Sam T-T trains rolling in alone into Winnipeg. Back that ass up. I'm going to be up there doing club favorites. I'm DJing the late show Saturday. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

So remember, if you wear a Unitarred, we're getting Unitarited in there. In the Unitarian Church. That's right. Sam T's fourth annual unitarded in the Unitarian fundraiser for the Winnipeg Jets' youth girls hockey team. Bockey team. Back it up. Yeah, so I'll be shaking it. slapping it and let it in a wiggle up there north of the border.

Hope they let me back in. Down Periscope. Welcome to America. Chicks drink free. Will I pack my passport? No. I don't know. Hopefully.

Rand can go back in time to grab it in his dream. Oh, but I can't affect the past. Oh, fuck. I can only watch you leave your passport. Yeah. Baby one candy. And then we're going to be. Where the hell am I going to be?

in Seattle, I'll be in Portland. All right, I'll come. Yeah, hey, well, no, Lund's coming to those. Come on, Lunds, sit one out. Lund's the big boy. Come on, big boy, sit one out. He does, he loves sitting it out. Let me go to Beaverton.

I've got to get back to that Nike store. Hey, Rand, you're a dipshit when it comes to keeping cash in your wallet. That's true, man. I love to get rid of it. Hey, well, you could skip the stress with rocket money. Oh, okay. I've never heard of this. What does that entail?

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And Kevin Hart, you know, we all got tricked by the Hartman. What about either one of those people's attire were you like, this is it? I don't know, but they were getting $35 a month for me for like two years. You sap. A rocket mortgage or rocket money said, hey, we're going to go get that back. They got it back? Yeah, that's right. They got all the money back?

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It's lonely here out in space. Oh, no, Susanna's texting me. Beaverton, I want some of those Nike Mind 0-0-0-1s. Oh, you want the mules. I want the ones you can flip on. I tried to get the sneaks and they sold out immediately. Where do I get the mule? On sneakers app.

I don't have that. You can download it in two seconds. Don't. Occupy sneaker app. I'm a robot. Stop it. And then where are we going to be? Come on.

Albuquerque. Come on. Raleigh. Valentine's weekend. Albuquerque. I'm all over. Cantatatown. Go to punch up, actually.

That's better. I'm looking for bookings. I'm... Go to the library if you're looking for a bookie. I didn't say a bookie. I said a booking. Oh, no. I'm headlining the Den Theater in Chicago, Illinois.

What? Yeah. When? Boing, boing. February 20... No. I know what you're doing. I'm tickling my side ball.

You're tucking your cock in between your balls. I'm talking my cock. I'm buffalo billing here. No, wait, is it? I've heard your double buffalo bill than Chicago, right? You're co-headlining? Nope, just me by myself, being nasty. I'm going to go up there.

I'm going to pull it out. I'm going to cut it off. I'm going to swallow it and poop it back. But I got... the Den Theater on headlining tight ship and I believe that's... You can plug one.

But I'm in Chicago. How about the... Just plug the Den Theater, the big show. I believe it's 123. It's January 23rd, but I'm there 22nd, 23rd, 24th. I'm doing the Lincoln Lodge. I'm having it in a couple shows.

If you want to see all of Rands dates, you can go to bald dipshit.com. You can go to Merlin Hair. Laffy Boy. Yeah. And also, you just find me on Instagram, try to guess how to spell my name. I don't give a shit.

King of show business, Rand Barna Clove. What am I going to do, man? Nobody, no. I'm not Rosie Perez. Hey, man, what am I going to do? Hey, what am I going to do, man? Spike a Lee, I don't know what I'm going to do, man. Nobody gives a shit about anything I've ever done, and I'm not going to start acting like, I care, because that makes me look weird. I care. You're one of the, I mean, I told JFL,

the best comic who hasn't done it. Ran Barner Glove, you can see him live. Do it. one show's enough you know you don't have to go to multiple like me that's not true I do a different show every I do a different fucking act we'll go to the late show

because he does the Mandarin Chinese hour that's true and I don't know a single word of it but somehow people understand what's it called the show it's a one man show it's called like teaching Marty's baby it's called

it's called meeting my new boss yes it's called oh oh he mopped the punt oh he nubbed it oh man the punt hit him directly in the thote

That was a mega doink. Doinked him. Yeah, dude, I don't know. I mean, what am I supposed to do in this life? Just try. I mean, like, just put myself out there constantly to no reward and then keep doing it. That's like the definition of being insane and cringe as fuck, dude. Well, hey.

Welcome to hell, pig. If you want to. Oh, in the face, you dumbass. What are you coughing out of Zinn? No. Whoa. Oh, no. Not the charge up.

Whoa, he's going to shock somebody. Oh, yeah. Yeah, dude. Oh, don't bring Binko over here. Oh, yeah. Hey, bury the bit. Immediately. What the fuck?

Oh, sorry, man. I had so much good stuff for the reveal. So much good stuff. All right. Well, I was going to wait to reveal. Is it last feet? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's calcified.

This is Becker's son, bingo. Bingo? Binko? No. Binko. Binker? What did you name the child? It's like Becker and Bingo together. What did you name? Bingo? Yeah, bingo. That is terrifying.

Daddy? You know you have milk? It looks like Beasley. Hello, Daddy's friends. Who are your blue man, I see? allow me to climb you Come on. Come on up here. Come on up here, Binko.

That's right. Binko with three Ks. Come on up here. Oh, yeah. Get over to your father. Daddy. Get over to your father. Papa, hold me.

This is terrible. Papa, can you tell me a story? There's mommy. Don't inspect my hi-me, Daddy. I thought it might be a puppet. You know. Yeah. You can make it a puppet if you want.

Do not make me a puppet again, Daddy. Even if it is just a finger puppet this time. I can't do your beddings. In the playoffs, you're going to get hit in the face with the point. I can't do your taxes. This is terrifying. Keep looking at me. Ponder me more, Papa.

You tested 10 strains of funky nuggets, slice. And now this is your reward. I am your baby. Oh, it's Italian. I'm an Italian clown, baby, Binkle. Daddy, do not, do not abandon me. Yes, dance me around for daddy's friends. Oh, hello.

You remind me of the known us back in the old country. Oh, yes, I learned to walk. I learn to walk with the daddy's friend. Watch this. Show him your trick. Oh! I am a Travis. bestraw me

and my brain is gone binko nitrosakis Oh, do you want to know how I got this scar? Oh no You're all right Fight him off Fight him off The blood

The blood Becker can you animate blood right there? No Well of course not There's no way There's got to be way with artificial intelligence I won't get it up in time What is this one? Honeymoon

before. Before midnight. Or else I turn back into a pumpkin. You must be hard before midnight, Daddy. Or else I will return to the nether space. Daddy. Not the nether space. Daddy get hug for Binko's soul.

Jesus. The soul of Binko is on the line. Can you make Binko fly? No. Oh. No. I'm not doing any. after effects for a video I have to put up immediately.

10 strain brains going to get on the ones and teeth to make his sun fly? No. Yeah, dude. You got to have a passion for this. Oh, man. We do. We also have a time limit that we wait till the end of every week before. Oh, these Pigs can wait for their swap.

If Becker had more time, he would be able to animate Binko flying and give me a blood splatter. Yeah. Won't you put a picture of blood spraying, cut the background out, and just set it over top, overlay it over the image. Yeah, just like pause it. Yeah. Well, I wanted to look great too, though. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah. So do both. I thought you like stuff that shitty. No, not me. No, I have an aesthetic. You do? Stupid but good.

Tissue on the ground. Yeah. You're pig. No. Hit me. You have an aesthetic, you think? Yeah, I'm blue. Yeah, I'm blue too.

No, you're just copying my blue thing. You put my coat on last night and wore it around for an hour. Yeah. It's also not a coat. It's a jacket. It's a jacket I've had. What? I've had that jacket.

No, we're confused by the it's not a coat. It's a jacket. What do you mean? Coat is much thicker than a jacket. No, no, that's for sure a coat. A jacket, I think, is definitive. It has, not definitively, but it for sure has pockets right here that go side saddle. That's a coat.

It's a chore coat. It's not a chore jacket. Drop pockets. It's a chore jacket. It's a chore coat. It's a chore coat. It's not thick enough. It's a laborer's coat.

They're called chore coats. They're called chore jackets. They're called Shackets in America. Now, a shacket is a combination shirt and jacket. That you wear to court because you think it's fancy enough to trick the judge again. A shirt. And they put the little cage over my face and then I get the, I ask the senator about her nipples. You have to wear a gay jacket.

Huh? That's what you have in jail. Yeah. That boy's got the gay jacket on it. Yeah. And that's just pants that spread my budget support. It's just Becker's jeans. The ones he's wearing that.

That is, they called a chore coat, but they're so mistaken. Who? the French that invented it? You couldn't wear that out in the cold. Yeah, he could. Out in the freezing cold? When I used to go out, when I used to go out and milk the cows, you know,

prep the sheep. You never did that. Yeah, I'd go out and throw the bales. Chubby Behemoth. The podcast. Ead doesn't mean your love life has overran. Oh. I know you and Suez have been going through a bit of the soft touch.

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Stay in there longer. Now, you don't think I would look weird? Get, get, get, get, get, damp. You don't think I would, you don't think I would look weird if I came back in a couple months with a full head of hair? I mean, I think, I think that it, yeah. I think I'd look weird. You should go to Turkey.

You should go to Turkey, get the surgery, get an afro, yes. You think I should get my, you think I should get hair back? I think we should probably try and, if anyone out there wants to invest in sending ran to turkey and then we'll film it for a wide world. I don't want a Turkish guy to staple a bunch of fucking spider legs into my skeleton. What about this? Okay? I don't want that.

What about it's bad anymore? Just send me to turkey and let me, I'll drink a tea or something like coffee. Let's take the Patreon money, a portion of it. Give him 500 bucks to put his head inside of a raw turkey. Okay. All right. You have to be turkey head. Okay, I'll be turkey head.

And go on stage. For how many nights? Wait, but I, do you have to do 10 minutes. I put my head, but my face can be up. Not helmet, face mask. Your head's in the turkey. We cut holes so you can breathe. It doesn't matter.

Your head's inside of a turkey. Can I get sick from this? Can I wash a turkey out? Sure. You can prep the turkey however you want, as long as it's raw. If I put a dial soap, can I cook it?

Afterward. No, can I cook the turkey and put my head in the cooked turkey? Raw, raw, raw. I don't want to get sick. I'll put my head in the turkey. If I can cook the turkey. Do you want to get sick or do you want $500? Bucks.

I want to put my head in a turkey for $400. Well, you know. I'll tuck a hundred dollars off so I don't have to worry about getting sick and I'll do 10 minutes. Well, you know what? If this sounds interesting to you, get simple online access to personalize affordable hair for EDE.

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Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information. Actual price will depend on product and subscription plant. There's no way you have to read that. Yeah, man. I mean, I grew up in the American West, where the rain never comes. You were out here, you know? Yeah, where the rain has always gone. No, you had

a piece of twine wrapped around your toe. You were sitting by the river, you know, huck finning it. That's, like, way deeps out. Hey, man, look for me. I'm going to get dinner over here. I'm going back to Clifton, we're going to have dinner. You're saying, I'm fishing with a twine around my toe? I mean, you call it fishing, but really you're just

snoozing. Yeah, lazy. You're dreaming about finding a nice window, and a big old steaming pie on it. Yeah, so I can float. And you're walking like Phil Pointer. Yeah. Like, damn. I got too many farts in my ass.

I've been prank calling my niece. That's a new development. Isn't she a baby? She's five, five and a half. As she pointed out today when I said she was a baby when I accused her of credit card fraud. I called and said she spent $400 on ice cream. What she said?

She said, no, I did it. Yeah, that's good. I don't know who you are. Yeah, I did not do that. How am I going to do that? I don't have a car. I'm five and a half. I said, you have a wagon.

We got it all on film. She's like, no, you didn't. And then after like five minutes of, like, her yelling at me and me being like, this is no way to talk to me. I'm an adult man. I'm a 57-year-old man named Wade. She then said, no, you're not. You're Sam. And I said, no, I'm not.

You're a nasty worm. And she says, that's what Sam calls me. Then I hung up. She's very good. It's pretty good. She's very good. She knows what she's doing. You need to change your voice.

I did. Like you were doing last night. I was doing the Wade voice. I'm yelling at a little girl talking like this. That's pretty good. It's a good voice. It's kind of my satchmo. I've been doing it since I was a boy.

Practicing the satch. I used to call it. Yeah, satching out. My mom would be like, he's satching in there. My dad would be like, what's he doing? He's going full satch. You would do that? Mm-hmm.

When I was a little boy, I loved Ace Ventura. Yeah, I bet. Yeah, it was annoying. It was a great movie. I'd go, really? You must be the monopoly guy. And then my dad left. I've said, I've said,

I find felt it friend. I've said that a thousand times. Yes, Satan. Yep. You drove your dad out of the house by quoting the ace man? Yeah, we blew right over that. Yeah, no, I mean, we'd hit him with it so much.

I mean, and then eventually he was just like, can you guys, I don't need to pick you up every weekend. Yeah. Yeah. You guys, maybe every other. We would hit him with Borat, Ron Burgundy. Austin Powers was getting, I mean, Austin Powers was getting beat up in his ears, you know.

And then once I figured I could, like, really rip him for being bald, and then, oh, karma! Yeah, dude, once I really ripped him for being. Karma police came. He gave you radio head. Yeah, I got radio head, but I used to really rip him about being bald until he was just like, he would be like, he would like scream at me. He just gets so mad at me, bro.

Just some Czechoslovakian guy. He's not screaming at a hairy little bald guy. You're 12, you're gleaming. I was younger than that, but I remember, man, I really ripped him one time. I told him, I said in front of my cousin, I said, I started calling him turtle wax because he told us what turtle wax was for. And then I said, oh, for your head? And it destroyed my cousin Mike. and we stayed up all night

calling him different variations of turtle things and yeah man he did not like that shit he did not like it that's like I mean it was really fucked of him and then I mean what are the variations

of turtle wax yeah what are you getting into here you know I'm just saying like you know tortoise Shiner like why would you try to get your head so shiny it wasn't even what are you trying to signal planes you know my dad's like 34 years old and he's like

drop the fuck ah you He was 34? Yeah, probably. Oh, my God. How old were he when you were born? 22 or something, 23. Oh, my God, yeah. Imagine being Becker's age and just a little turdlet.

Yeah, just really good. Killing in front of his cousin Mike. Killing. Yeah. All I cared about was making my cousin Mike laugh. Yeah, not your dad's affection. No, no, no. He was, my dad's mean, dude.

Yeah. My mom said something very poignant a couple weeks ago to me. She said, you know. Your dad used to hit you with a tennis racket. She said, she said. She said, you know, you would have grew up in the same house and your dad was still around, he would have made your life a living hell. And I was like, damn.

She's like, you should be pretty glad he wasn't around. And I am now that I think about it. My mom let me be really creative. She let me draw. She let me be silly. She let me dick around. Yeah. She didn't ever pull the leash too tight.

And your dad was Boomer Ossison. Yeah, dude. He was always out playing against the Jets. My dad was always out playing for the Jets after Cincinnati. Yeah. My dad's just, yeah, he's a boomer. I mean, he's just a man. You know what?

We should get him on the pod. Dude, if you could find him. I bet he's with Pat's dad right now. You wouldn't want, you wouldn't want him. Why? I don't speak Yugoslavian. No, he's, that's not that side of the family. You would not want my dad on there.

I bet he'd be funny. He's not funny. He's like, what the fuck do you want? No, he didn't talk like. Sober. He's like, yeah. Man, you don't want to talk to my dad. I'll be ran.

You'd be your dad, ready? Okay. Hey, dad Yeah It's good to talk to you Oh, is it? You never call I'm on a podcast

I don't talk like that Well, it's close to know He hasn't talked to you in a while He doesn't remember how you sound Okay I'm on a podcast Oh yeah Yeah

It's a good pod What's it called? It's called Jubby Bohemit What's that man It's a son of Sam Sounds like a bunch of gay guys Oh Oh, dad

Yeah I wouldn't say oh dad I would hang up on him. Sorry, I miss your kisses. Yeah, my cousin Mike said he was, my cousin Mike said he was at one of my other cousins' graduation wearing golden Trump shoes. What? Yeah.

Where do you get cool shoes? I said gold Trump shoes. Still, I mean, that's a step up from, I'm assuming he was wearing like those keds probably. Probably more like monarchs. Yeah, monarchs, cool guy. Yeah. Maybe that's why you liked me initially because I wore mom. Monarchs.

Yeah. I mean, you weren't the only person I knew that wore monarch. Well, you used to go to the rec center a lot, so I believe that. There was a, no, I mean, that was like a thing. You were sleeping at the park. You know what? You know what high school I went to? I mean, guys were monarchs.

We were, we experimented with all that shit. We used to wear the, um, the, uh, the Velcro. Who makes the Velcro jones? Walmart. Yeah, we had the Walmart ones that. The gray Walmart. Yeah. Gray Walmart that had the, we used to call them the suicide watches.

They took your laces. Yeah, that's funny, dude. We had the, we had the Walmart grays. We had the Walmart whites. But then there was an actual company that made the... Converse, vans, and Adidas. You mean Velco? They were made...

Velco makes shoes fun. I remember. They couldn't call them Velcro's because that was like a Kleenex branding, so they were Velcos. Maybe. I thought they were like Sockoning or something. Oh. Somebody had some like monarchy-looking Velcos. They could have been Sockony because I made up Velcroes.

Because I never heard of it, but I was like maybe that's what it was called. Ruse had, uh, nah, these weren't like name brand, like Ruse had the little zipper pocket. They also had, they had kangaroos on it. And they didn't have no kangaroo. Okay, there was no branding. Damn.

I think it was the little sock in the ass, but they were, um, and we all had the white ones, dude. Me and all the boys had the white. There's a bunch of losers screaming at their phones right now. Yeah. They're fucking A-SAC! Yeah, and you've always been number one shoe stutter. Yeah, I just like, I just like shit.

I mean, I'm not like, I think, I think the pandemic kind of fucked me. Why? Because I like, I fell into that Instagram algorithm where they were like, they were like, nostalgic abating, like X. You're fine, I'm just checking it. Nistalibating X-Shane's like me. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

And so they were like... You say shanes? Yeah. What's a Shane? Shane. A white... A Shane. Gilles, you mean?

No, no, no. What's a Shane? Come on, dude. I literally don't know if this is cool, Sincy slang. No, a Shane is like... Maybe I didn't read that episode of Trans World. A Shane is like a white guy that would wear a du rag or Mark Echo hoodie. Okay.

Yeah. Sure. All those guys' name were Shane. growing up. A white indigenous guy. No. The acronym for that would probably be accurate. White indigenous guy, yes.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like if you're bald. White individual gangster. And you put fake hair on top of your head. Yeah. Like one of those guys. Like a political party that nobody remembers. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the barrister wears when they're over in Mary old. Hand me my wig. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And because a bunch of white dudes are just screaming at their friends. Say it. Yeah, they're saying it.

They're saying. They're screaming it. They're asking for the definition. And we just thought all those... Use it in a sentence. When I was growing up, every dude that was like that's name was Shane. So we would just be like Shane. And then we called the girl version, Shana.

Okay? So we had Shains and Chanas. Another one. Really? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. How much money do you make on this podcast? I'm trying to get sponsors.

I'm trying to put your head in a turkey. If I can cook the turkey, I'll do it. I told you you can't. Well, you're going to fucking take a turkey out of the oven, put your raw head in there, scald your shit up. No, I'm not going to... I'm going to wait until cool. You can either have it hot and cooked or cold and raw.

Hot and cooked. All right, but hot. Yes. Straight out of the oven. I'm driving in the clock. I want it. I want the temperature pin to pop out. Ping.

You pull it out. No. No. Yeah. Then we shove you on stage and you're up there like, I'll eat my way out of it. I'll eat my way out of it. I'll spit a bone and I'll be like, you guys ever heard of semi-drugs?

Well, skip the fashion brands and get work where built to last. Check out Brunt. Yeah. Brunt makes sturdy boots and top-notch weather-resisted gear. Oh, I like the, do I get something for being on this? Yeah, Becker's going to read this. Oh, okay. Yeah, Becker.

Dude, I want to, I want rain. I want rain shit. You are already on Rain's most wanted. What's that? Oh, no. Raping incessy. Oh, no. I walk right into it.

Build for real job sites and hardworking tradesmen. You can be in your Brunt works boots all day, keeping your feet drying. comfy. They sent me the tall-ass Yeah. Like railroad. Yeah, I got like railroad worker boots.

No, you didn't. You got vampire hunters. Yeah, well, they're brown and swayed. They're like, uh... That's cool. Yeah, dude, they're sweet. You got the blade fours. They've got elastic on the tongue in two places so you don't have to tie them.

You can do like a... They're built for daywalking. Basketball shorts and a flannel smoke a cigarette on the porch, like a real desperate single uncle. Yeah, he looks ridiculous. Damn, dude. I want to see a picture. I got the normal ones.

Send him a nude. Send him just you and the thigh high. I'll send it to the group chat. Just full frontal, full bruntle, man. Full bruntle dutty. Full bruntle booty. They're so soft. The insoles are nuts.

You're going to love it. I can't wait for you to get home and try yours on. Brunt has a full range of high performance gear from heavy duty work pants to weather resistant jackets. I didn't know about that. I mean, where's mine? No matter what the job demands, Brunt has you. covered but not of your ran.

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For a limited time. I mean, they're not like fucking, you know, translucent like yours. They don't glow in the dark. Yeah, they don't have mesh tops. They don't have mesh tops. They don't want it. You'd probably call it a coat.

Yeah. This coat's weird. Yeah, I'd be like this coat's thin, it's a jacket. Shut up. It's a tiny little jacket for a French guy. Fucking do gardening in.

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and use code Chubby, and you're good to go. After your order, they'll ask where you heard about Brunt. Do us a favor. Here. Tell them that Chubby Behemoth sent you. Here.

Chubby behemoth say you to Brunt. I mean, fuck. Why are all these things so, long, man. We're done. A bunch of shills, dude. So I was kind of, I was pretty tapped in, I was pretty Shane.

You were Mount Healthy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is a predominantly black school. So I was pretty, I had some Shane tendencies, you know, I had some baby blue. You were on that, Shane Arang. Yes. You probably did

the voice, like, for a while. I didn't do the voice. Didn't you try it out for a while? That was the one thing I'd never know. You were a real Muska-type beat guy. Yeah, but Muska and Rob Deerick, they did the voice. I never did the voice.

I mean, I remember seeing Deerdeck, and he was doing the voice. Yeah. But he said, ooh. I was skate, I was, I was,

I was a skate, skater enough that the voice would not have gone over. Yeah. With the guys that I knew. Yeah, but there were some skate shit. Even if you were saying Antoine Dixon quotes. Right.

And there was some skate shit that was, well, I was more Terry Kennedy. Ah, TK. There was, there was, Compton ass. He's out.

He's out. He's out. They freed him. But I was more, there was you know skate shit and also shame culture kind of were hand in hand yeah because of Chad Muska

kind of but it's always been like that like before I haven't heard of Muska I knew skateboarders that were backpacks and have woo wear hoodies and shit like and they knew about Chad Muska they were Muska fans no this was before Muska all right fine

don't give Musca any flowers no one's done more for shame culture he lives in Ohio now and why don't you bury the hatchet and reach out and get Muska on your pod. Muska was on toy machine when, when we're talking here. But I'll give Muska his flowers.

He did skate in sweatpants. He put a fucking ghetto blaster. But he also was into like graffiti and shit. I'm not talking about that kind of shit. That shit was fucking weird. We were like skate guys. We weren't fucking graffiti guys. We weren't train hoppers.

We were skating around drinking Heinekins at night. All right. Okay. Bombing hills and shit. Great. And we're wearing big sweatpants sometimes. But I always, I always like shoes. And then I get fucking nostalgia baited every time I look at my phone.

Oh, Dion Sanders. Yeah, I was getting Ewings. People were hitting me with Ewing all the time. I was getting Ewing's. I was getting Deion Sanders underarmor that looked like the Nike Diamond Terps. Then when Nike and Deion Sanders buried the hatchet, they're like, do you want the Dion Sanders again? I'm like, yeah.

I was hitting. Griffies. Barclays. Barclays were coming up. Griffies. Yeah. Bo Jackson Cross trainers. We're coming out.

Fuck, yeah. It's like, dude, every, and then when Airmax Day, for some reason, that became like a national fucking holiday on all the apps, when Airmax Day comes out there, like, we're putting out

this like nostalgia pair you could never get when you were a kid. What the fuck is Airmax Day? May or March. My birthday's in May. Well, maybe it's then. That'd be sick if I had a national holiday. Will you be,

well, you would be happy to know, tell your wife to buy you some Airmaxes. I've had Airmaxes. I break the heel. Do you really? I snap the heel on Nike's. You're a little guy now. Yeah.

It doesn't matter. No, they show elephants stomping on them before. You were fatter than an elephant probably before. I was fatter, kind of, than some elephants, yes. Than a baby. Well, not even just the babies. Some of the mommies, postpartum, they sluff. Yeah.

You know. Some of the elephants that didn't get all milk. Yeah. Yeah, you like that. Yeah. But they show it, if you ever get me, you ever been in New York City? The rucks of an elephant litter. Have I?

No, what do I got to do? Go sell some diamonds in the district? Yeah, well, if you do that all that. in Tampa Bay. That's true. If you ever want to go to New York City, there's a little thing called a Nike store there, and they got all the Airmax technology shit on the wall,

and it's actually very cute. It's like minority report. It's like ex machinac kind of. But you walk in there, and they got an elephant's foot, an actual real elephant's foot. They put in a big bag and put a big air max cushion under it, and the elephant's stomping it,

and it's not busting the bubble. And the elephant's foot is attached to what? An elephant? No, it's not. Yeah, it is. No, it's not. Yes, it is. There's not the actual weight of an elephant.

They did it. They did it. They did it. He's not Dr. Doolittle. No. You look insane. Nike has so much money. They did it.

So what? Are you talking about? Is it a video? There's a video. There's a video. Okay. They don't have an elephant in there. You said they have an elephant's foot in a bag.

In the Nike store on the house. Yes. That's right. No, no. No, they don't have the elephant's foot in the bag on the video. You did say if you go to New York. You go there, you see it there! I mean, I guess you can Google it here,

but what's the fun in that? You want to see it live. God. The elephant's in the store. I do like, I do like these. Thanks. I get fed these. Are these the Starbursts?

No, these are the Pegasus premiums. They got the React foam and the Zoom X and a full airbag. Why don't you get me some cool shoes then? I told you about cool shoes and you got them and you liked them. What were they? Those Brooks, the big, the big, thick DNA Brooks. You liked those, didn't you? Yeah, you did.

Yeah, and I would have told you to get the. those if you ask me. I don't talk. I don't talk about shoes with you. I know. I was like, you should get ballerina slippers. I think you'd look fleet of foot.

You should get slippers on. You can click them together and go. Yeah. I would like to see you in ballerina slippers actually. A lot of people are begging for it. All right. When we get this Patreon up to where it belongs, we're going to do a whole rollout.

I'm getting ballerina slippers. Lundsey, and a whole case of DF. Becker's smoking foil. It's going to happen. It's going to happen big. So get on that Patreon. All right?

And support the antics of of your like-minded friends. P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Claw Machine 4-6-3. Oh, fuck. What? Your show doesn't even exist anymore. Yeah, it does.

Yeah, it does. We just changed the name to baby wizard. It's still there. Okay. Yeah, we're doing wizard stuff. All right, doing wizard stuff. My daggers came today. Ooh.

We got daggers. We got daggers. No, just like, you know, I told them. Threatening daggers. Threatening daggers. Our podcast should get gimmicks instead of being funny. What the fuck are we doing? Yeah, we're doing both.

It would be easier to have just a prop case and a man in a tank. Yeah, that... You kind of already have a man in the tank. Kind of. Yeah, he's oaring around in Trinidad. That roll rotates. It'd be so funny to see Lund in a chair thinking that, like, he's in a desk chair from an office. And he thinks he's smarter and everyone else is dumb because they're not getting around by shoving around with a broomstick.

So he's just rolling in through Trinidad, like in line at the drive-thru for McDonald's, just oaring around. People honking him, him mad. He's like, what? What? He's just doing his best. Yeah. Man, I want to go to Trinidad. I want to see what it is.

Go down there. I want to just see what it is. Go see it. Where is it? Is it by like Oklahoma? No. Well, yeah. It's the closest to Oklahoma.

It's in the bottom. It's right by Ritone. It's by Ratt, New Mexico. Mouse. We're right on the border of New Mexico. Yeah. It's by Ratt. Rat is the closest place.

I've never been to New Mexico. You ever jump over there? Yeah. I go grocery shopping over there a lot. Why? Because there's no sales tax? No, because the milk's not homogenous. Nice.

They get better produce. One cow, one bottle, one mouth, $12. That's the Ritone promise, yeah. I don't know anything about that, but they have better tortillas. Whatever he said to me, like, made me feel, like, threatened. Why? Because of your fucking face. Okay, I want to go down there.

I'll stay with you for a week. I'm also going to come up to Detroit and stink around, see what you're up to. Dude, Detroit's worth stinking up. I need to keep tabs on him, actually. My wife once, you stayed at my house recently, you and David Brooks. My wife inadvertently gave me the greatest compliment she's ever given me to Rann. Via Rann to me. Me and Rann were talking about shit and my wife was like, yeah, Sam doesn't like care about like if people are going to like it or not.

He's like an artist. And Rand went, yeah, that's how I am. And I was like teary-eyed because that was like Emmy getting me. Like Emmy like seeing me completely. And like I was relieved to hear. that she understood me, even though she was like, she wasn't saying it like complimentary.

She was explaining my behavior. Yeah, she's like calling you kind of like a hoe. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, he's like a dumb man. Yeah, exactly. For being like an art queer. Yeah, exactly.

Sam doesn't care if people are going to like you. He just does it because it like gives him satisfaction. Yeah. I was like, oh my God, she gets me. Yeah. Yes.

Yes. You know what my New Year's resolution is? Thanks for asking. I think I'm going to try to be more open with my emotions. Oh, yeah? Yeah, dude, I think I... You think you've been bottled? No, I think I got a wall that I didn't know.

Oh, yeah. No, why do you think you're so fucking funny every living moment? Well, I think... So no one has to get close to you. But why can't the wall come down a little bit and I still be funny? I mean, I've been letting my wall down and I'm just kind of a person more often. How do you feel? How do you do it?

Well, here's the thing. And I'm going to say this via you. Hit me, stink-ass. When you're one of the funniest people alive, you can take your foot off the gas every now and then because guess what? Everyone knows, Rand. Everyone knows that you're the funniest guy in the green room.

Well, you're right. So when there's strangers around, you know, and if you think you have something to gain, use your superpowers. It's not for gain. See, that's where you don't get me. What do you mean? It's just because I like being like that.

No, you're hilarious. I'm not saying you're doing it for game. That's why you do it. What do you mean? Because it's weirdly inside of you in a way where if you don't let it out. Yeah, we're clowns. We're funny guys.

I'm not saying that you're doing it for cloud. I'm saying that when there are people around, yes, use your Spidey Sense. Use your web slingers. Because you can crush anywhere you go. But I'm saying if you feel this pressure, like, I think that you being so funny as a way to keep people away from you. Yeah, but I wonder why I can't be more like, you know what? Thank you. You know what?

You're 43 or whatever. 42. 42. And I think that it's a totally normal time to be figuring this out about you. yourself. See, man, that's what I, that's what the worry was. Because I'm going to start figuring it out and then I'm going to become like this soft like, um, this like this like bitch type figure. Oh, you know, I don't think like you're just peaceful and like, I don't think yourself. I like to be pretty zen about stuff. You know, I try to be a little wabi sabby. I try to walk in. I try to take a forest bath, if you will, but I got to do it in a park, you know. Yeah. Um, worst bathing is great. Yeah, I've been trying to do that. I've been trying to be more contemplative of it. I've been trying to have more reverence for just things for moments. So. Simple shit. Yeah. And look,

I take great pleasure in cooking breakfast for my girl every morning and I love our walks. Like we walk even if it snows, if it rains, we walk four miles every day. And I think really the conversation...

So we're taking your girlfriend on death walks. Death walks. In inclement weather. While you're just going, yeah. I had another epiphany. Where I'm like,

what about this idea, man? Yeah, yeah. And she loves it. I bet she does. We really have a good time. I mean, how lucky is she to be able to hang out with the dynamo that has random

Rand Barna Club. Well, that's very sweet of you. I love you. You're so funny. And it's nice to hear you say that you're trying to become more emotionally open because I think you're going to find out that there's like a little bit of like, I don't know, like a resilience, like a confidence. Like I think most of our lives, we're like letting all of this like sediment and shit that's

like collected around us like kind of melt away through like the days passing like drops of rain. And then you're just kind of like more and more exposed. And then there's like this like brutal just like rock face that's actually you. And I think that like coming to terms with the fact that like, and you've never been this way, but we're not like exceptional or special. We're all just like stones.

For sure. You know? So like I think that it's okay to be a stone and you have confidence in knowing that you have that density. And I think that you're going to find that kind of peace, man. I mean, you're already on the samurai path. I mean, I abide by that shit. I think it's very, very, very cool shit. Yeah, Wabi Sabi's good.

The grains of rice phenomenon. It's all good shit. Yeah. You're gay. Join the Patreon Becker, where are we at time wise? We're at 54. Get me out of this fucking place.

Well, hey, why don't you see for some ad rates? Okay. All right.