Chubby Behemoth - Baby Quesadilla

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     Sponsor: Rocket Money - Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster at http://RocketMoney.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys doing it remotely while Sam's in Key West. Nathan didn't win OR lose a dime this time, shares a story of a boat sinking, and reminds Sam how he is like Koffing. Sam tells the boys about his day use hotel experience, never even considered a pervert tax, and at least made the dad laugh.     00:00 Signature Series 01:41 High Off Of Football 03:18 Jamming 05:00 Eating Stromboli's 06:58 Don't Care If You Get Busted 09:25 Little Alert 11:37 That's Right There 13:06 Backrow Tickets 14:47 Museum Of Illusions 16:32 Headspin 17:30 Transfer Me To Your Boss 18:57 Itemize My Ass 21:11 Give It A Sniff 24:21 All The Charms Of A Bowling Alley 25:55 Prim Propper 28:02 Made Of Chum 32:43 All Frozen 36:46 I'm Already Dead 39:16 I Think, I Think 42:41 Crawl In There And Blow Really Big 44:21 Nash Bridges Protocol 46:57 My Giant Ass Life 50:41 Locked In Abroad 54:17 Shit Getting Dragged 58:44 Everyone Knew     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

oxy enough but yeah it's like two years newer but it's the same underpinnings and everything backer wrong about a car wow new year new becker no this is a normal person saying that you and lunder pretty much kind of the same kind of guy what he's just a little smoother and taller but it's the same chassis it's the same thing running it's a completely different car you're insane the hood on my car came in and was like you shaped it was bowed you know yeah it created flares on the hood this thing is a complete your you had the you had the mercury right no oh i thought you had the grand marquis 77 lincoln town car signature series that was a mercury you sent me no that's a lincoln as well it's god it's just how much do you want to edit this out

I don't care. How badly do you want to scrape this from the memory of the podcast? I want it all edited out because our podcast isn't called Who Cares? Well, it's also called, hey, get here on time featuring two guys. Oh, yeah, be mad at me. Be mad at me for sure because this wouldn't be happening if you were still locked in. You didn't say anything. I am locked in.

So I was locked in. I am riding against a deadline. So imagine how every extra minute that you're not here, exacerbates my fury. That's all I'm saying. Just imagine you're me. Sam T. Your buddy from way back in 83.

I could never. I know. That's what's scary. But hey, man, you're here. You look good. You look florid. I like that. I'm high off of football, man.

How about did you watch last night or were you riding under a deadline? Yeah, I was working all day yesterday. I didn't get to see any of the majesty. It was nuts. I bet it was great. It was really good. I thought it was the best.

I didn't win or lose a dime. I just watched it, took it all in. Oh, man. You lost your phone? I haven't been betting. Couldn't log into Fanduel. That's good. No, I'm over it.

But it sucked that it was a great game and you didn't have anything on it. I just, I'm done at least for now. And I still have the Broncos win in the Super Bowl. That would be sick. That's the only bet I have. Man, you're going to, you're going to crank your soldier boy to that one. I think it's going to be a donkey ride. I'm going to be the lady down in Tijuana, just like mouth open.

Just choking on it. Choking on another ring. Can you imagine how bad that kicker feels for Baltimore? Did you see what happened? Dude. Backer, I know you didn't see what happened. You were watching cars go by out your window. Yeah, and misgendering them.

We, we, I was on stage. you know no you weren't yeah it was I had a show last night at 830 you were writing on stage you're like oh just give me one sec I'm locked in the crowd's just filming you writing at your keyboard that'd be great for like the first 20 minutes I'm like hey all right dude good time to stop if I could just charge entry to come watch me I mean this is this was this is this is let me explain to you my writing process I'm in that uh day use hotel room I got a I don't don't know the last time i talked to you i've been in florida times a flat circle i'm the oroboros you know coo coo coo-choo that's where i'm at there's been a couple shows in there but otherwise i've

just been jamming because i thought that i was done with this book but it turns out there's a lot more just majesty and beauty that i can unlock if i put the fucking time in so my god i'm consumed uh so i got a day use hotel i've told you about these oh yeah yeah it's like it's like Like, you can get a hotel for like a six-hour block in the middle of the day. I think it's so women can cheat on their husbands, you know, because like... Why isn't it dudes? Because they do it at home or in the car? Dudes just do it in the truck at the job site.

Yeah. Yeah. They do it in the freezer. At their house. Right. Yeah, they don't need to make it fancy. They don't have to put any lipstick on the pig. They just want to bang and then do more crystal meth before they get home.

get back to the weekly you're not at the extended state anymore yeah just the day use that's a different crowd uh and especially at the trade winds resort in st pete beach i think this one was like for swingers and i was in there by myself and the ladies and she's like oh your day use why don't you take uh the up of stairs it overlook of the pool she was cool she was italian or albanian i don't know. She gave me this pool view and I was in there for six hours and the bed overlooked the pool where the children were playing. But I wanted the window open because I wanted the fucking sunlight in there. I didn't want to just be in a dark. I didn't go to the beach. I was at St. Pete. I'm writing, you know? Like, I'm already denying myself a certain amount of like joy. So I have

it opened. But like every time I look up from the keyboard, there's like a furious father or a terrified mother, like, looking up at, like, the man on his laptop, like, looking, overlooking the pool, you know, it looks. I was hoping that you would have to look at a guy that looked exactly like me, but worse, but more festering boils. No, no, like, a guy that looks just like you out there, like, starting a conga line or winning a pieating contest. Holding court.

Crushing. Yes. 100%. Like, starting chicken fights. doing your joke it's crushing yeah you talk about how your hands are small and it makes your wife's look huge and everyone's like that's a great original thought yeah that would piss me off there's a guy like you down there just eating stromboli's but you're standing on a scale and you weigh 248 pounds and i can clearly see it that's how you piss me off that's

showing up late to the pod. So I'm there just looking like, you know, Larry Flint for kids. And, you know, look, I'm writing, I'm working. Periodically the curtain would close. I would commit the lonely sin. It's a symptom of all sin, a loneliness.

So I whacked off twice in there too. So like, so yeah, so then I leave. What the hell? That's your process? I'm getting chubbed. I guess. I'm pent up, man.

I'm like, I don't know. Emily's been gone for a few days now. Right. I feel like a prism through which unknown spectrums of light are transporting through sometimes. And I'm like, I deserve the pleasure of the world. So, you know, you fucking whack off and you smoke dabs. And you don't care if you get busted until you leave.

So I leave. And I go do the show at Coastal Creative there at St. Pete Beach. Fun show. Was that a don't tell? Yeah, don't ask, don't smell. And, you know, I hadn't done stand up since December 23rd or 22nd. It was a blast. I fucking was wailing up there, goofing around.

I don't think this bit's going to be able to stay in the acts. I'm just going to run it by you guys now. You guys are from order, you know, Florida Man. You're familiar with this? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. One of course. Newspaper headline, Florida Man.

Yeah, a journalistic phenomenon due to the, what is it, the sunlight laws? of Florida. Yes. Or sunshine or sunlight. Sunshine laws where the right of the people to let the sunshine on the people who were accused, but not convicted. And then it creates a phenomenon where people are wrongly accused and skewered by their peers, even though they're eventually, you know, rendered guilty.

So it's obviously an issue, but what no one talks about is the Florida man journalistic phenomenon and the erasure of those who don't, uh, adhered. to the gender binary, you know? Like, has there ever been a situation where the headline says, Florida man puts baby into microwave? And someone stood up and said, excuse me,

Florida person puts baby into microwave. Yes, I made a baby cassidia, but please respect my pronouns. out so there's you know there's something um yeah i don't think that goes in the act long term but boy in florida it's been killing right i mean you know what else kills in florida is saying gabba gaba guba guba gaba guba gaba guba gaba the keys are pretending to fuck a stool or a guy's head they don't even need the store yeah so i did the same pete show, and then afterward, I'm going, I, I drive on to Orlando from St. Pete, okay?

The Magic Kingdom. Yes, the pleasure palace. Excuse me. Royal persondom. Royal person palace. When I get done with the show, I drive to Orlando and I get a hotel room, the Sheridan by the airport. Boy, was it bleak. wake up there there's a little alert from my old amex card

$500 charge from Trade Winds Hotel I say well Oh shit What is going on here What in the Sam Hill What in the Sam Talent What in the Sam Bill So

You got a peeping Peeping Tom charge By the families at the pool It was $100 a pop Every time they thought you were every time the curtain's closed you were being untoward yeah it was five times

they accidentally forwarded me that the email uh shit is on there 100 to pop five times I never even considered a pervert tax yeah you kept going back out out there wearing different shorts

so they knew that's showing my fits to the children no so i thought like okay well so i was using my puffco device but i was doing it with the shower on and also breathing it through a towel into the hot shower steam so it's like that's eradicated that can't be it towel under the door uh for the entrance no no no just the puffco you know it creates like a vapor or a steam so when it hits water through a towel there's nothing there's not a there's guilt so i'm like okay i'm a nulling that

smell. That can't be it. And then I checked my purse. My Topo brand designs purse bag. My grinder's missing. My Skankfest grinder. Okay. But I didn't smoke any weed in there. And also on St. Peach, they have all those places where it's like no med card

needed, you know, real THC. It's like you can buy fake weed there. 12 and up. Yeah. 12 plus welcome. Right. If you have the Trade Wins Resort Band, come on down, you know. Get in our. Lisa Simpson. Hitting our library.

Oh, yeah. I thought of this one for your shirt, Gagland. I got foot bucked on Sturban feet. Yep. No one's doing foot bucked. That's right there. I'm going to get to my feet for this. So, oh yeah, I also got huge.

God, you almost. cranked your fucking dome. Every time. Becker saw me hit my fucking head on this thing 10 times when we were down here. I mean, I did it at least five. Yeah. Oh, God. Dude, Pat, you know, Pat would be sleeping face down after, uh, you know,

eating 15 rum-flavored cupcakes. You know, he'd wake up for our 10 a.m. shoot at 1 p.m., fucking pop up, whack his head into this. It was like when Chunk got busted masturbating in the Goonies, you know, director's cut.

So, okay, sorry, I'm dominating. I haven't said a word out loud today besides cafe con lece Cibu play.

So I'm kind of going off. And also, came in, huh? Use it. I told Becker how mad I was at you, and yes, it was unjustified,

okay? But hey, what am I going to do? I know it's annoying. But I'm annoyed by having to do the pod. That's all. Yeah. You know?

Yeah. It doesn't mean I hate you guys or the podcast listeners. You just don't like being told what to do. No, no. I just fucking, I'm locked in. I'm programming at the peak of my skills and to have any distractions, whether it's this or going to the beach. I haven't been to the beach yet in Key Swet, Key West.

I haven't put my feet in the water yet. All right. Keith Sweat. Yeah, Keith Sweat's here. And I had back row tickets and I didn't get a guy, I didn't go. I'm going to meet Keith Sweat. But I didn't, I didn't meet him, Bumpa Clot. Have you gone to the Turkish Delight Place?

I haven't gone fucking anywhere, Becker. Have you gone to the Turkish Delight Place and then the post office? No, it's like 15 feet from over there. I can see. Big eyebrows. Or FedEx. There's the UPS on Duval. Okay.

So I wake up my grinders. $500. I'm pissed because as you guys know, I have to give. I should just tell them how much money I have to give to the government. We should say I told them on here yet. No. This is a Patreon, isn't it? No, this is a free one.

This has to be a Patreon. It's a free one. I thought we did the free one last time. We did a Patreon. Fuck. All right. Well, hey, you guys are getting the uncut gems. We did ad reeds, but you didn't use it as a Patreon or what?

No, we did a Patreon. The one we did on Wednesday, on New Year's Eve, or Tuesday when we read people's resolutions from the Patreon. yeah but we're caught up so that one that one went out as this week's Patreon this is the free one okay well guess what I do care about this one because I get the ad revenue so hey thanks everybody

look how little I am he's back I look like I'm upside down I look look I'm doing the Museum of Illusions He's Mary Poppins He's Mary Poppins over there I'm going to slide down to see you Oh

Magnet head I fucking fell on the goddamn Ottoman After that last prank I got to try it again That's another 500 bucks if that out of been smashed. All right. Whoever clips our shit. Is it that Christian kid in the spring still?

Yeah, Russ. Russ. Hey, Rusty Bones. I think you're hosting for my dumb ass down there at Looney's in March. That's right. I'm doing Loonies in March. Ready? I'm going to jump and do a headspin.

I thought he was going to bonk so hard. he's uh what's his name dancing lionel ritchie he's dancing on the ceiling male male no no that'd be funny i was gonna say splinter no this is ceramic bird's nest this a good tile floor it just looks like wood so this is this truly does look nuts right yeah it was good yeah yeah cool so this is uh this year on chubby behemoth we one of us doing it upside down. I drew the shortest straw, so I'm inverted today.

But yeah, so I'm telling this great story. Yep. Being upside down for a whole year would be a motherfucker. So, I know. Pat wants me to be in a wheelchair for the whole year. Why? I don't know. I think it's hilarious. If I just like committed like Joaquin Phoenix and I was just in a wheelchair for a whole year. And everyone had to be like, shit,

Sam's in a wheelchair. And then like at the end of the year, You know, I fucking get up out of the chair and get him with a headspin. I call the tradeweds. Oh, no. You unplugged your mind. Too much spinning. He's getting too greased up on Pinesaw. Floorwax.

Michael Floorwax, remember him? Who could forget floorwax? I know the name, but I can't remember who it is. Did it happen again? He was, no, you're good. I think for a second, but now you're good, I think. I'm good. Yeah, you're good.

Yep, I'm looking at it. I'm upside down, so I can't tell. All right, so I said, hey, I was, I stayed there yesterday. And she was like, oh, okay, what's your name? And I said, I was, I was one of the day use people. And I wasn't a pilot. Let's just put it that way. So, um, she's like, okay.

yeah there was a $500 charge and I said okay I need to talk to someone about the charge what's the charge about and she says I don't have that information you can talk to my boss I said transfer me to your boss she says my boss is

on lunch cheating he's taking taking advantage of one of our one of our rooms for the typical use he's banging away our boss is taking bong hits in your room

so she's like if you want to wait on the line i was like yeah yeah oh wait i waited 23 minutes finally jessica comes through said hello jessica my name is sam tallant uh you know big time fan of the trade wins resort i was there yesterday yesterday my whole thing yeah i can't get enough of that trade wins i talked about you on stage a lot yesterday uh you're welcome so i was charged five hundred dollars now jessica can you uh break me off a little nugget of knowledge what's the haps itemize itemize my ass and i know my grinder is missing right so she says okay let me take a look at that mr tyent that is okay yeah it looks like you were assessed five hundred dollars uh for smoking and i said i don't smoke and she said well i

I guess there was evidence of smoking. And I said, what's the evidence? And she says, I'm not sure. I guess the smell. And I said, ma'am, I guarantee that room does not smell like any smoke because I do not smoke and I do not smoke in there. And she said, well, I guess there was evidence of smoking. And I said, ma'am, I think you might have found a marijuana grinder.

And she says, uh, yeah, that could be it. And I said, well, ma'am, a lemon is not proof of lemonade. I hit her with this. Whoa. I hit her with this. Yes. I was sitting on that for 23 minutes because I learned that in rhetoric and public address, my major there at Metro State. Like you majored in.

It was worth it. Yes. It was worth 500 bucks at least. A lemon is not proof of lemonade. That's a false equivalency. You know? Just because you find a match doesn't mean you find a fire. So she says, huh.

well you know what I'm going to do for you she's rock she's she's she's upside down she's spinning on the ceiling she's she's Nickelodeon's round the house so uh which was that when you had to when that was that when you had to look through the the the make believe the fake house trying to find shit no what was that around the house around the house I think was Nickelodeon's breakdancing show it was in the first wave of snick along with like are you afraid of the dark it might have even predated all that yeah i don't remember i think you could uh look this up i think you're kind of our guy wasn't listening yep becker's just so confused how i'm upside down and not passing out

becker's like we got the same amount of hair up there why can't i spin on my bean so she says you know what i'm going to do for you mr talent i'm going to go to your room and i'm give it a sniff i said jessica that's all i can ask for jessica a fighting chance jessica heads off i get a call back about seven minutes later i said jessica it's me sam the accused she laughs and i know she says i went in that room i didn't smell any smoke i've already refunded your money i said jessica i love you what a mitzvith this is Felice Navidad Los Peronios Felicidad

I didn't say that part But I did say thank you Boom Did it Wasn't a pussy about it Didn't just eat 500 bucks Didn't cower and beg No a lemon does not

Prove lemonade The defense rests Yeah one I was going to say The plaintiff had to acquiesce After a plain sniff There wasn't anything up there to sniff And that's why This is the best

Todd in the business, Lund. Stuff like that is why we're going straight to the fucking top this year. It's not the video, all right? It's not the fact that I've learned how to be upside down for the last week. No. It's not Becker telling us when Round the House came out. Oh, yeah, what the hell? It was called Round House, and it was a variety show on from 91 to 95.

So, like, right before all that, it was their first attempt at a variety sketch show. I didn't really like I don't remember warehouse hip hop about it there was like like music you know and in there was a kid

who spun on his head oh oh yeah there was a lot of like Ninja Turtle-esque stuff mm-hmm wait no that was here comes a hammer that was MC Hammer

so Lund next after I do that I stay in my Sheridan hotel by the Orlando airport all day and right right right right right right go to do the show that night one shaw smith i don't know if you guys are familiar you

met shaw before had side splitters down in champ in tamper i don't know i think he might have hung out when we were both uh when we did that festival in Orlando but that was a long time ago so i haven't seen him or in a long time i used to read a lot of his status updates he was on he was a king of facebook for a while yeah and now it's 22 no i'm barely on there you you guys He was trying to sell hats. Yeah. You're on threads now, right? Like my dad?

Yeah, threads and Insta. But I posted something on Facebook and realized I hadn't put, like, people could think I was dead on there. I was like barely doing anything on there. So it was funny to post and just be like, hey, I'm alive. Happy birthday. Happy New Year. It's been a while.

Yeah. Facebook, is this thing on? But, yeah, it's still over there. And who responded, like Ron Ferguson? Dave Caldwell's on there, for sure. Uh-huh. All right. All right.

I did a show with Shaw Smith at a place called Boardwalk Bowl. It was a bowling alley, and it had all the charms of a bowling alley. It looked kind of cool. I saw one picture where it looked pretty cool. You know, if it wasn't old Sam T. Well, I'll tell you what. This room used to be the Bonkers Comedy Club. Lund, did you ever do any bonkers gigs back in the day?

No. Okay. Well, let me tell you how they worked. You're, uh, let's say you're young Sam T. You're 23 years old. Uh, you got in at the very end of the Tribal runs. So when Tribal, like, you know, ends his various. his entire kingdom

much like the old wrestling days human trafficking ring yeah exactly his uh pay for play he he runs a weird machine where he turns people's dreams into a lot of money for himself lonely anguish for them but they keep they keep signing up

the dream factory it smells like dog food because of all the shit that gets mixed in with dreams so bad uh all right all right Well, hey, don't put it on the T. That's right there. So, yeah, when Tribble dispersed his empire and everyone, you know, went for the scraps,

bonkers, I think, was a ramification of that. And, like, one time I drove to Prim, Nevada, remember Prim? Yeah, it's on the state line. Yeah, I drove to Stateline, Nevada. That's where I saw my first live professional wrestling show, probably 95 or six. And I don't know if it was prim proper or another similar state line Nevada casino that had an arcade where there was a young kid that got fucking killed. And we used to go out there. I was that kid in 2010.

I was there and I signed up. I drove all the way there to get kicked in the head over and over again. I drove there to get hardwade through a table that I had to set up and then clean up afterward. God, it was terrible. and that was a bonkers gig. There was also a bonkers gig in Central City up there in the mountains.

They were just terrible. They were terrible casino gigs. Oh, I did that once or twice and I think once it was good and once it was, we did it once. Yeah. And then I did it once. And I think when I did it, it was bad

because you had people that came. There was like our friends came, right? Like eight of our buddies. I think that stayed up there. Hank. I think like Hank and all the matchbox like slash oh yeah right they might have been doing a yeah they might have had their like holiday party and we yeah i think i think hoops and hank and riley were all there and it was very surreal

and then maybe and then we like bombed in front of old people on oxygen machines and our friends were in the back wearing like literally our friends were in the back wearing like leather vests and biker gloves like drinking pictures of beard screaming it was so strange was kevin schultz there too oh schultz he probably liked the smell of that i think there was a separate anyway that's funny okay yeah so i did that i think once with you and once solo and the solo was worse than the one that we did together doing those one of those rooms now in 2025 luckily it was packed with my people who were stoked who made a blast in there shout out to all the weird babes who live in orlando who came to the show.

Very good. Shark attack. Shark missing a leg. Still hot as hell. It was like my underwear were made of chum. Everyone wanted in there. All the piranhas wanted to savage my meat. And I had to say, thank you.

Very good. Have a nice evening. Carry on. Yes. I'll be masturbating. You were the trade wins later. You were the carry on. And they were the vultures.

I was the carry on. And they were the lady seeing if I could fit in their box. Bit above their head. But yeah. No, no. I say no, no, ladies. But yeah, a lot of women were there saying how much they love the pod. It was very strange.

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and then they tell you, hey, you know, you've got a subscription to a Starcraft account that you opened when you were in Korea because you wanted to be able to contact your parents and the only time your captors let you out of the factory was to go down, you know, and get your hour of a state regimented Starcraft in, because it was Korea in the early 2000s. I mean, there were still some rules. So yeah, I still had that StarCraft subscription and Rocket Money pointed it out and got me all my bot back. Rocket Money's dashboard makes it simple to manage checking, savings, loan, and investment accounts, giving you a clear view of your finances on one screen. Let Rocket Money help you reach your financial goals faster.

join at rocketmoney.com slash chubby that's rocketmoney.com slash chubby rocketmoney.com slash chubby uh what else what else oh yeah i flew to key west was here yesterday locked in did a show great show all the locals showed up and now uh now i'm here talking to you guys after another day of hardcore programming well yeah i i am realizing since we started doing the this pod that I wasn't thinking that you were still writing working on the second book

I thought you were onto the third and I was like all right I'm glad that you're doing it I'm glad that you were inspired but we also have to do our you know we have to feed our baby well you have to get your nipple out so I came into this thinking it was a

Patreon and you know my thoughts on that enterprise so here I am you refuse you refuse you refuse money so that you don't have to care you want to have it both ways you've butt-fucked you've butt-fucked everyone yes i've bought a sense of supremacy now why don't you guys carry on while i go grab some zint i'll be back in 10 minutes it's around the corner what the hell yeah he's got to go oh he's just please i was hoping he would

i was hoping he would bonk his head dude that roof I cleaned my clock in there a couple of times in the middle of the night. Is that upstairs and then there's a, is it a whole house or anything? No, you have that whole floor. So his bedroom's on the other side and the bathroom's over there and the roof's not as severe over there. But it's just one level. Yeah, where our pillow was. I think my head was like, you know, nine inches from the start of the ceiling.

And it was, yeah, waking up to piss. was a lesson I had to learn a couple of times, yeah. Fuck. Oh, then that is a great spot. Were there several bedrooms? Or was it a, what were we, was it a hog pack? No, we hogpacked them in a floating hotel room,

kind of like a garbage barge off the coast. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And me and Sam, who was out there? Pat, Pat Bonzo Joe. Yeah, and they were like, oh, the house is moving and we're drunk. I'm upside down.

How are either of these my problem? I'm upside down. The boat's upside down. The boat capsized. Well, Pat kept getting harpooned. I just read a, I think it was an excerpt from a book or something. Or no, it was from a news article about this, this boat that sunk, I think, in like the 80s. It was just this terrifying recollection of a survivor, one of very few survivors.

oh it was it was shared underneath a video that you guys probably saw about that nightclub fire in Sweden there were people that were like filming it as it very quickly over oh you've been locked in you don't know i haven't seen anything i didn't watch football yesterday i don't know about swedish nightclub fires that's right no yeah everybody was sharing it like a couple days ago when you were doing your thing but uh yeah underneath that the nightclub thing is awful and a bunch of people died and then it was everybody's dissecting their behavior and not leaving not getting out of there immediately and how i love second guessing burn victims so i should i should be in i should be in on this i'm sorry they didn't want to be liquefied just the i think it was

a bunch of people talking shit because it looks like i mean some of them are jumping up and down and like dancing as the fire is spreading but i also think uh that it was partially pretty cool on the fault of the venue. The venue was definitely not set up for undulating. I think that that's the way to go out. It's kind of like But underneath that, I ring on his bong.

After that, go ahead. I read about I read about a guy who was on a giant ship and it started to capsize and a lot of people were frozen like didn't know what to do and he went into like this doorway and, huh? It was like an ice ray.

I don't know. I can't remember. I thought the people were all frozen, and I thought like a big rain of ice. Yeah, no, well, yeah, it was cold as hell. It was windy as shit. And only a couple, him, the guy and another guy, like, got in a doorway and, like, were able to hold onto that as it really started to, like, sink or, like, you know, turn onto its side. And then there was a fucking lifeboat that was just out of reach.

And these two guys are, like, looking at it and looking at each other, like, who's going to go for it? And the other guy goes for it, misses just discipline. years just into the frothy sea and then other dude gets like realizes that if he can climb on top of the side then he's going to stay out of the water that's like the only way to avoid getting into that the water and he got up there and he survived i don't remember how long he was out there before he got rescued but it was fucked like 280 people died and i don't remember how many other people survived he might have been the only dude that lived lucky guy but it but it was yeah it was funny to think about just looking

at a fire and then continuing to like hump the you know yeah a bunch of a bunch of like women like high on survival and you're the only male meat left behind you hope that the helicopters never come you hope that the flare gun fails you're like let's repopulate the side

of the boat you're up there sunburned nude just banging against the morning star well I was going back to the idea of like in the in the Swedish nightclub where you're just like it'll be put out eventually and i'm not going to pay the cover twice in one night yeah just stay in there maybe i started the fire with my moves some of those uh people

i'm sure we're not uh blowing it and it's sad that anybody died or they were fucked up and on drugs and partying at a nightclub and didn't take it yeah as serious as they were looking for their zins or whatever they're whatever you know they've got even better stuff over there what was the the original you said it they're over there like all of their zins are like 38 milligrams and they haven't blinked in like

two days in there like the fire's not real that's just the striations of my eyeballs fire can't hurt me I've evolved beyond I'm the zinda bread man those are two scenarios I never really have to worry about first of all I'm never going to be in a nightclub

so that's good news and also if a boat flips guess what I'm not scrambling up the new gravity. I'm already dead. You're just going to stand there? I'm dead already. I was probably in bed. I probably ate too many shrimp and I had a tummy ache.

And then, you know, the water just took me in my sleep. It would suck to, like, be asleep. And then all of a sudden you start, like, you like wake up and you're like, bang your head. Oh, yeah, it's in there. The dude was sleeping on the deck. I can't remember why. But he wasn't in his room.

And that was part of, I think that made, I mean, it made it so that he was not trapped like that guy. Oh, yeah, trying to get your head up to the top to get air and then go back down and look for a way out. Fuck, all of that. Oh, I'm dead. Also, why am I on a cruise? I had this coming. What? I'm trying to save my marriage.

I'm on a cruise. You're on the kill. You're on the kill, Tony. cruise and or the skank fest cruise yeah they're both gonna do cruises so i would do the skank fest cruise you're gonna roll the dice you're gonna be on ships a bunch and be like man i hope this doesn't but i mean what are the odds the kill tony crews would be tough because it would be like 14 people who were there to like watch the shows and then just 800 open micers you know with their fingers crossed for their dreams just like being insufferable and unbearable

Sam, Sam. Hey, hey, hey, you're going to be at the karaoke later? Oh, you don't like to sing? Yeah, me either. Me. Yeah, I don't either. Where are you going? Where are you going? I just wanted to say when all 800 of them have to tell you about how your book and or stand up save them when like half their body was in a wheat thresher and somehow they were able to pull themselves out, get to a phone. Baccarat with, you know, D. Madness because he's blind. I figured out the hustle. Well, yeah. Take a water break. You earned it. I was in Rapid City, South Dakota, as you know.

I didn't know that. I was up there, Minneapolis, and then Rapid City. And I didn't get snow. You thought I was insane. You thought I was insane when I wanted, or when I said I was going to do. doing both of those permanent state. But you thought that these two

examples of me being dumb and crazy because it was going to be a winter hellscape. They were both. It seemed like a strange season for your ambition to bloom in. Let's just put it that way. The days after Christmas. I took Cisophis because those were the only dates

left in the year. And then Rapid City, it was just like yeah, they were to get there quick. I get there. I get They were book in January, because what if it closes? I don't know what's going on up there. Right. What if they watch your tape? What if Mount Rushmore blows away in a strong wind?

It's just gone. Mount Rushmore goes off. A swastika. Somehow there's a, it's replaced or underneath, you know, subliminal. It's a volcano under Mount Rushmore. It's a Nazi mountain. So, yeah, well, and I just, well, and also it has to watch it vigilantly to see if it you didn't have so it can shoot it with its big arrow he's blowing he's blowing it

he's blowing it over there like I do when somebody's a dick to me on a plane uh I forgot oh but yeah you're like coughing the Pokemon coughing or you burp and blow your noxious odors I use it yeah it's the weapon's people depending on what color it is it's it either knocks you out or it's poisonous and kills you or it just like stuns you and like makes you dizzy turns you into Rick Flair wandering in a circle can someone out there listening please turn Lund's face into coughing uh at the bit from the beginning of the pod when he was like pink so soul coughing yes make coughing singing soul coughing we have to command these people to do more for us yeah they got a they got a they got to grow two

more ears earn your keep either join the Patreon or make entertainment for us or both no no no join the patreon yeah that's all you got to do it's really easy you'll love that's mutually beneficial because there's you know you get a bunch more episodes some of the best ones and some of the worst ones let's be honest uh there was a couple uh becker only episodes up there when he was trying to uh take his big time moment remember that remember when becker was trying to kind of cast off the yoke of you and me and go solo Becker, it was like when I was in fourth grade and suggested I'd do the musical number by myself. Becker was like, what if I did an hour of me?

This was before he had broke down garage and so, and, you know, after broadcast geeks. So he was like, I'm itching. I'm itching to let some stuff come out. But he likes letting us do our thing. So he doesn't want to yuck our yam. So he's like, give me an hour. And we did. My God.

I mean, that divides the two eras of the pot, pre-involved. post. Yep, before and after Becker. Beckman. The Beckman Kammoth. Are you going to be in Columbus? Yeah, I have a Cincinnati. Or I'm going to be in Cincinnati. I got a ticket for the eighth, though. I think I need to switch it because they had you listed on the 8th, 9th,

and 10th, and then I realized the 8th year in Columbus. I'm at the Funny Bone in Columbus. We got 250 tickets sold already. Please help me in welcoming the year of the motherfucker into my ass. All right? I want everyone to crawl in there and blow really

big until my head inflates until it pops. I want you to kill me with your love. So please come to Columbus. We got to ram that down the funny bones throat. Show them what an entity old chub talent is. Becker will probably be there. We'll see. Lund. M-I-A. K-I-A. K-I-S-I-N-G. I'm not sure who, but find out. Cincinnati, go bananas. Come down, slap yo mama. Dallas, Fort Worth, hyenas that's the noise a hyena makes all right win a peg come win a pig sam t point oink oink seattle portland you know your damn job why don't you do it all right sam talent punch up get your fucking tickets i'm over this shit i want to kill god and wear his face do you want to just take it home just do the whole episode no no you're good i like when you

way in. Well, I was going to talk about Rapid City. I was going to talk about Rapid City and you immediately cut that off. Like you were Kevin Nash, but I was up there. He said that any time anybody like blew it in the ring with him, you know, like a younger guy, he would just cut him off. That's when he would do the big knee to the gut and just start like hitting him in the back is if they kind of, I think if they try to call something stupid or, you know,

if he just didn't trust. them can we do nash protocols on this pod oh you you're there man you're nash bridges protocol who are you you're buff bagwell i'm i'm tubs you're crockett that's a whole lot of different references i didn't want what are crockett and tubs what is that from from miami vice with don johnson don johnson was also the star of nash bridges i was i was sounding older and older i liked it well Yeah, Lund. I want to hear about Rapid. I like Rapid. I've had a long history of fun up there. Walk me through it. There's the West River Comedy Club. It was with Little Trevor, the smallest comedian in the world. It's him and the Adam Gilbert. The guy that's running the club. No. A dwarf that's running the club? No wonder. You were booked.

He's not technically, not technically, not medically, not medically, not legally stubbed. But he is a small, man oh and he had the perfect he had a joke before like his closer at least Friday night before bringing me up was joking about how it's hard for him to find pants that fit him and then he was at a store and found 56 30s oh no I go up there and I go hey you knew I was about to come up here and then you closed by talking about 56 30s guess what I would love to run into a pair I said maybe 46 28 or 5228 would be nice it was perfect it was very fun oh man you should have put him in your pants you should have put him in there like a little pouch and then had him how small is this guy he you've met him oh shit Trevor Ryan he's got a beard and like gray salt and pepper hair he lived in

Australia Korea speaks Russian no he's married to a woman named Sarah I don't I think I got that they've been running the club for for a year and then he's he's he's been a big part he helped start the festival so he they had Krista K up on the wall and you remember the Krista K inaugural festival debacle with her right or did you weren't up there no you weren't up there so that first year of the festival it was a contest oh yeah it wasn't there I never met him I know that whole story yeah well and you've been up here since then so I you'll recognize him when you see him. Becker, find a picture of this tiny man.

He's very small. He, uh, the first year of the festival, it was a contest because they got Bud Light to give them 10 grand. So this first place was 7 grand. Right. Second place was two. Third place was 1,000.

And Krista Kay, who was on, she's from the Rapid City area. So that was part of her going there. She also was on some reality show called like, that's a huge bitch or whatever. Like something like that. like my giant ass life for you know some like TLC oh yeah she was a gigantic this I'm quoting she partnered with this dwarf that's a huge bitch to oh yeah the two of them together would be I would love to have the two of them on the road yeah me too and then you know I want to be that guy's closer and by that I mean I want to close the drawer he sleeps it so she was one of the judges and she

basically it was her and Tribble and then the third guy was supposed to be like the local weatherman that was like you know, it's supposed to be Duffman IRL. He dropped out. So it was the two of them and Krista Kay essentially handed the contest

to her friend. Stephen Briggs. Stephen Briggs won it and I and everybody felt like it was just didn't make a lot of sense based on who had had like the strongest set from round to round. And then the two of them them left their score cards out in between the second of the last show and the last show. And so I just saw them.

Didn't you just have stink lines for a score? Like it was they grew like a person like fanning their nose. P you. Yeah. P you. P. You. No.

But it was just very obvious that the fix was in and it was super frustrating because all you want is a fair, a fair shot at this cash. At this crazy thing. And it was annoying that this giant test, this Amazon was able to. yeah just kind of pick her friend to win it was dumb but and they felt everybody felt bad about that and that was the only year it was a contest and it's been very fun since then you went you hung out with him last year I'm sure he was that you were at the festival I hang out when I go up there I hang out with Ryan Schindlerloes I'd never know how to say his fucking last name but great guy hot wife good man

Ryan C.K yeah we had dinner and then I go one of the shows I go and I go and I uh you know sexually harassed Zach Moss's sister, Rachel, make her husband flinch, and then I shake Zach Moss's dad's hand, and occasionally I see his mom and give her a lighter for her really long cigarette. And I don't get to go to the, you know, I didn't get to go to the circus tent, pull back the flap, meet all the freaks. Trevor is down below you trying to get your attention and you're just, you don't even notice them. Right. I thought he was an EWalk impersonator. I thought Comic Con is like that. That's me and him talking.

Yeah. I talk in reverse like the dwarf and Twin Peaks. I was at Twin Peaks, peeping out the wee titties. Dumped. Oh, you want to hear something fucked up? Last night I met the show. Oh. Yeah, back to you.

Go ahead. No, no, I like rapid city. Tell the story. No, I'm sorry. I want to know who this guy is. distracted. And now you have something to say, so say it real quick. No, no, it's stupid.

Go ahead. Oh, it sounded good. No, no, it was bad. I'm learning. 2026, better friend. I'm a really good boss, but I'm not always a best friend. Yes, you are. On your terms.

When you're not locked in. Someone has to establish terms. Everybody respects that you're locked in and we think you're locked into your program. so nobody bothers you for like two weeks. Yeah, meanwhile, I'm in here eating my own tongue. You tried, yeah, you tried to like crack your neck and you got locked in, locked in abroad. You're locked in abroad.

You're a bitch. Wait, what? Locked in abroad would be cool. It would like locked up abroad. No, I understood, but I think either way is good. You're on a boat. You're on a boat in the middle of the ocean and you have locked in syndrome. The goals are just pecking at your.

your eyes you're a psycho you're a deviant person Decker do you find a picture this dwarf yet

or what I sent you two of them all right thank you I don't have my notifications on I hate notifications

unlike some of the people on the pod no I just yeah I got to turn off the Patreon stuff because it's your Patreon too of Brad Trimmel is trying to teach me out of paint or whatever.

So, yeah, I'm up there. Both shows were very fun. I've never seen this man before in my life. I swear to God. Next time you're in Rapid City. I've never met this guy. Also, how is this guy a human dwarf, as you described him? God's little prankster, as you called him.

I don't know if that's the right guy, isn't it? Trevor Ryan? Yeah, that's him. Yeah. Guys like six foot tall. no i can tell by his hands that there's something wrong but anyway his his his wife sarah said that she because you know they've got who has come through on the wall and stanhope's on there stanhope went up there like last may i think when he did that two dollar bill run in like the mountain west uh up north from

arizona and like straight back down or whatever through colorado new mexico he went up there and Sarah said, I was surprised how small he was. And I was like, oh, yeah, he's a little guy. And she's like, yeah. And I realized, you know, if all, you, you only see someone when they're on stage, there's no one to really compare him to, maybe a stool, but there's not a lot of context clues. So that was funny. Yeah, but like, rest in their paw. Yeah, yeah, no, you're right. She, she, she should have known.

She's a small thing. Also, she and, or he and, Stanhope and Trevor are like the same size. so she probably could have clocked it. So, yeah, we were, I had a good time. The first night, especially, because it was a good crowd. They got into it. The host is eight months in and started doing stand-up after his marriage ended. Classic. It was a lot to.

Will or net. Yeah, yeah, he's living it. He, it was hard to see someone so new. have to host a weekend like he's not he shouldn't be hosting just yet but there's but there's not a lot of stage time up there oh i know there's not a lot of there's not a ton of comics so he's up there you know eating it and then beating himself up and it's like it doesn't like you know you don't want to say no one cares but right nobody cares no one cares in a good way yeah you're in a vacuum like don't don't act or don't think that this is like the end or anything just keep doing it

It's definitely not the beginning either. Remember that, young man. Did you see Canane at 51st Jokes? No. A couple days ago, Becker? Uh-uh. Oh, 50 first jokes. Everybody's sharing it.

Fifty first jokes, Portland. Canane just goes, all right, 50 first jokes. I feel like I heard 36 last jokes because a lot of you guys just, he's like, I didn't think there were 50 comics in Portland. I was right. Whoa. He said a lot of shit getting dragged across the carpet up here. here tonight yeah he blasted like that rules yeah it's it's good why did he blast because i'll bet he heard 36 jokes that were really bad i mean i've been to portland i've seen the comedians i understand

everybody everybody moves everybody poops but portland edition everybody moves so yeah he blasted them but and yeah this this this this uh this new comic you know was just it it made me think what I've always thought, which is my God, I would never want to have, like, if I woke up tomorrow and had to start over was just like day two of being a comic, I'm going, I'm grabbing a gun. I'm going to the police department. I'm saying, hey, who has, who has the tastiest gun here? Because that would be a nightmare to have to just like, just not have any of the experience or whatever. It's very hard. And he was, funny if the cops were like, like, all had guns and you were like so distraught and lost that like you're in there just like licking all their guns

like tasting them all and the cops like take the bullets out so they're just like eating guns and everyone's like I don't know I guess you wanted to do stand-up I guess it's like a normal like stand-up thing I'm not sure yeah I don't know I don't know if I would start stand-up as a 38-year-old man who was married I'm already a successful podcaster so why would I want to do stand-up he's not He's not starting out at 38. He's a younger guy, and so he'll be all right. You know, he's got, and Trevor seems to give a shit about trying to help comics, uh, do's and don'ts or whatever.

So I think that that will be helpful. And also he got to watch me do two hours, baby. Uh, the first, the first show was like solid fun. The next night, I had two of the craziest hecklers or like drunken. They were both women. One was definitely drunk. I don't know if the other one was was fucked up or not, but they were both ridiculous. Like, it felt like I was being punked, how much they wanted to talk and when they wanted to talk.

But because I was headlining, because it was the second show and the first one went well, I didn't care and had so much fun with it. It was crazy. Like, I should have been pissed. Like, eight years ago, Lund would have been so mad. But I'm older. I'm wiser now. And I wrote it and had fun with it. They were both just like so much.

Like one of them's like, I like your, I was wearing Brooks, the Brooks shoes. She's like, I like your shoes. You run? And I go, no. Obviously I don't run or else I wouldn't, I wouldn't be able to do the, oh, I didn't do the 56. 28 on that show. I got these at Brooks Brothers. I'm sure you said something like that.

I got them at Mel, they're Melbrook's shoes. He doesn't walk a lot. He just shuffles. No, I said, I want. need the cushion. I don't need the support while I, while I go and hit the pavement. I just need pillows on my feet so they don't hurt when I go to KFC and home. So yeah, they were both, one was a young woman from South Sudan on maybe a first date with a guy who goes to the club all the time. His name is Hayden, I think. And they walked in from like smoking or something late. So I made

fun of them i was like we guys fucking in the bathroom what's going on and pretty quick i realized he she's she starts talking to me and he is like trying to tell her to quit it because he goes there all the time and he's like embarrassed i'm having fun with it but then she leaves to go to the bathroom again or smoke and i said were you just like trying to hide her her her light under a bushel basket were you telling her to stop because we're having fun it's fine and he was like no no no i wasn't at all he totally was after the show the bartender was like yeah he was he was like telling her to knock it off but yeah a bartender also delivered me a revelation last night if you'd like to oh good yes yeah so obviously two women at the show tea time rapid city being

annoying that's bad i wouldn't wish that on anyone but is that worse than this last night i'm at comedy key west becker you've been in that room lond have you ever been in there no So it's packed. Last night was packed. We put these shows on sale like last week, but I have a bunch of friends here. Tom's like this is the most locals who've ever been in this room at once. Like I knew a lot of people's names. People that like the pod driving in from up the keys. It's a blast. I'm up there. I'm killing. Sitting right up front. There's a three top. And there's clearly a mom and dad. And then they're there with their, I assume their daughter or their third. I don't know. Because this young woman is in a strapless red. shirt and uh she has she's she's she's very well developed and uh the the the the the ramifications of puberty are very evident on her body so i'm up there we're goofing around hey you know i'm a blimp hey you know i'm doing blimp style crowdwork nice tits that kind of thing you know blah blah blah everyone's having fun they're all laughing the dad is laughing really hard as i you know uh use my eyes

So after the show, I'm selling shirts. Everyone's loving it. A bunch of locals, blah, blah, blah. Bartender comes up and says, man, that was funny. You were talking to, you know, the guy's daughter. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're having fun. And he was like, yeah, yeah, they loved it. They had a blast.

She had to get to school tomorrow. And I was like, okay, cool. What grade she in? And he says, she's a junior at the high school. And I said, what the fuck are you talking about? And he said, yeah, she's 16. And I said, that's impossible. and he said yeah she's 16 we all know she's 16 the whole time you were making fun of her cans everyone

knew she was 16 and i say well i got to get back to the trade wins it was is that worse is that a worse thing to happen i don't know it's kind of rocked me it's made me very weary of lechery even if it's good-hearted her dad loved it oh yeah mom loved it they were right up front they were right up front they're bow they're bucking they're laughing you know i wouldn't i wouldn't have uh continued this pursuit if it wasn't very effective comedically 16 i'm surprised he didn't kill you he brought her clearly he brought his daughter she had to come in with him they sat right up front he's a local yeah he'd been to the show before i assume and then they were like let's bring our daughter this is great we love this guy

next thing you know they left you out to dry I'm in jail now no you just made an observation you didn't ask for her phone number give her your room key I don't have a room key

I know I'm just saying you didn't do anything wrong according to the girl target her well in a court see you next week everybody Thank you.