Chubby Behemoth - Baby Skat

Episode Date: August 8, 2021

Mohawked Cock. For Science. Painted Rocks.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

hello hey nice haircut becker thanks man it's terrible yeah it's pretty bad pal yeah i know why'd you do that i didn't i i just needed a haircut it was fucking bothering me you know and you got one from you know one of the three barbers in town jesus christ You look like a pinhead. Yep. You look like your name's Pygmy. And you have my hat. I do have your hat. Allegedly, I have your hat, yes. I have no way of hiding my hat. You're only allowed to wear flat caps to cover up that kind of hat?

I look like a frat boy if I put on the other kind. Well, it's better than looking like a trombone player. Okay. It doesn't look bad. I hate it. Yeah, you should. you should it sucks yeah it's not good you have to very long on one side and very short on it's kind of wonky you look like a macklemore impersonator it's like you should be out on the hollywood walk of fame uh just angrily grabbing dollars from children. Yeah, and like singing three bars of his famous song, Thrift Store. What's it called? Goodwill?

I think I just sang that not gay song from Lonely Island where they're making fun of him. I'm not familiar with Macklemore like you are. I'm not such a fan that I would get the haircut he had. I'm more of an Andyy sandberg fan but yeah look at this haircut arm thanks bud what do you think it's pretty bad huh yikes yeah just yikes that's all you got uh how are you how are you How are you doing, Sam? I'm good. Lon, what's up with you?

What's your deal? I just woke up. So, you know, that's always fun to immediately go to work. Yeah. I mean, sorry to wake you up at 1.30. It's not that. It's just to immediately have to. It's been funny that we went from everybody's

wide open like at your at our leisure you know like hey i can record whenever now we have all the three of us have very specific availability windows and they're fucking wild sam has to red eye flight i work three to three fucking Becker works like 8 a.m. to 6.30. We're all over the place. I guess this is growing up. Time to make the donuts is what I say. I got to be Travis Barker if we're Blink-182. In this freelance wackadoo world, this gig economy.

Yeah, I'm Mark Hopis because I definitely have cancer, and I'm going to find out late. Oh, yeah, you look sick. And then, Becca, you're the other one. Tom DeLonge, who everybody thought he was crazy, but he was semi-correct, I think, with his interest in UFOs. I mean, yeah, and he's part of the whole disclosure thing. Pretty

involved. He's an asset. CIA asset. Meanwhile, I'm dating a Kardashian. Yeah. Vapid walking billboard for capitalism. Yeah, just a fucking vapid hole that I fill with my mohawked

cock i wonder i think his dick looked like the fallen logo i think that's why they shaped it that way they just traced his hog the what logo fallen remember no of course you don't i forgot the only thing you remember that was fallen was the berlin wall because he celebrated it on your 35th birthday i was over there yeah you were you were eating all the bricks i was drinking a bunch of i was drinking a bunch of uh molotov cocktails i was like my tummy hurts well london i do understand i empathize with you just having woken up. I've been there, man. I'll carry the load, and Becker will swallow the chode. We're fine. Yeah, funny that you're like, noon,

because usually if we suggest any time during the day, you're like... Well, to be fair, Becker suggested noon, and I thumbsed up it. Okay. Yeah. I thought you were up and at them doing your push-ups and counting your keto calories or whatever you do now writing in your keto journal yeah i mean i'm maintaining my blog

if that's what you're talking about oh man did yura send you pictures of uh the cheek meat that he fried up it looks is that what that was i thought it was just his he's doing keto and he said he's uh man it was just like a bunch of cheek meat all uh cooked up it looked perfect yeah he sent it to me i loved it he cooked it in his own beef tallow it's like good years i'm glad you have a hobby besides gaming these are all keto now yeah we're keto man we're trying to live baby what are you drinking horchata is that your wake-up horchata damn i'm glad i glad i kept it down no i was hoping you were gonna spit all over your mic maybe like oh my mic's sticky again oh yeah i would have been fucked uh no it's uh iced coffees sometimes i do hot. Sometimes Megan's been doing

cold brew as well. And it's nice to... That's my muscle confusion. My body doesn't know if it's getting hot or cold coffee every day. It keeps my system on its toes. I gotta stay away from that cold brew, man.

I flip out. Makes me want to climb the wall, burn a mosque it gets bad dude i think that's why becker got that haircut he was all fucking blind on cold brew no but apparently the barber was oh yeah i mean the barber was clearly blind i don't know if it was cold brew a weird i don't know how to move my head in the camera. The edge on the other side, it like hangs off. Yeah, it's like he wanted you to swoop it over. Yeah, but it doesn't work in either direction.

I don't know what he was doing. He gave you like the Richard Spencer. Yeah. That haircut came with a polo shirt. yeah that haircut came with a polo shirt yeah you make me think of one of our early episodes when we talked about my barber well he wasn't my barber but the guy that worked with my barber how uh his wife was in the hospital he went in the hospital and blew her away and then blew himself away oh yeah pumped

a bullet right into her remember that barberside i think was like episode seven or something yeah i think uh i think we might be at a hundred or around a hundred episodes if you count the patreon so that's let's just let's just do a greatest hits today let's do all our favorite bits let's do a flashback flashback episode this weekend's for sure our year anniversary isn't it oh my god think all the fun memories we've had remember that one time hiker's girlfriend we talked about her yeah your tits on my head lish give me give me some titty hat you need a titty hat you need to walk around with a woman who's six foot eight back here and just let her rest her shelf on top of

your stupid haircut yeah i'm into that i bet you would yeah august 4th was our first episode oh shit god you know what? I still like you. Hell yeah. Still lazy after all these years. Yeah. Becker's coming to his own. This is kind of like everyone's secret favorite is Becker nowadays.

No, it's still weird. Yeah. I don't think it's you, Lund. Becker doesn't talk. Some say he talks too much no they don't they love him and people are going crazy for lund all the lund acolytes out there yeah uh nice job a full year we just have to keep doing it twice a week forever and then in five years it'll pay off so that's pretty cool it's paying off now man no

it does pay off it actually i i told somebody that hit me up that it uh it's nice to have a an easy way to talk to you because i i don't like being on the phone for an hour yeah right dude you love being on the phone you're the king of the law i'm on a nine hour drive i'm gonna ring up old sam t uh well i gotta put my dick back in my pants take the noose around my throat off while driving yeah that's all right but it's also tough when you're uh when you don't have good cell reception because then you're just you know you can't fucking hear each other but no i don't like uh being in the house for an hour on the phone your ear gets hot your hand falls asleep that's why you gotta get these jerk off with it these headphones man it's great that way you guys have a conversation hands free you're in the backyard pulling weeds because your wife demanded it meanwhile she's spending two and a half hours trying to find the

right futon on wayfair.com it's great today's supposed to be our big day for housework which was why i was like hey i need to know when we're going to record because i promised my wife and when i make a promise to that goddamn lady i keep it motherfucker and uh so she's been spending the day just looking for the right futon so you know we needed one that was for special dimensions so Lund would come here and not destroy it. We got one that was exactly 68 inches tall, Lund. That's perfect for you.

Almost. Too long? No, it's not long enough. How tall are you? Allegedly. I'm going to have to go fetal. I'm going to have to curl up into myself. It's not wide enough. You're going to be walking a thin tightrope. You have to sleep on your side uh i am 5 10 wow allegedly well that's okay because the top of your head can hang off the bed i don't care i'm excited to go up there i think i'm gonna

bring some boom booms and i don't mean fireworks well man's fireworks in a way brain fireworks and uh we're gonna have fun yeah man you're gonna be all mushed out thrushed out you're gonna have a yeast infection in your throat it's gonna be great you guys ever had that one thrush i'm gonna explode uh my bowels in your bathroom and then act like it wasn't me no we have a special composting toilet outside for you i did i did get a yeast infection in my mouth once and it was the hardest i've ever seen my mom laugh because i was like 11 so she took me to the doctor and she laughed and laughed and laughed like it a, it's a yeast infection. My mom lost it.

Like I didn't get the joke. And she was at 11. No, it was, uh, I had already had like a, no, I'd already had strep throat and I was eating like those eucalyptus halls,

like one every fucking 40 seconds. Of course you were. You fucking food deviant. Well, and my throat hurt real bad i was a sickly kid and uh yes you were a diary of a wimpy kid the beta boy becker the eucalyptus stripped like all the natural shit out of my mouth and then uh yeast infection took over but yeah my mom laughed like she heard the funniest

fucking joke ever told it was like she was watching uh cedric the entertainer yes carlin lives moms love cedric uh did you see the uh the talk about chicken pox how like it was so foreign to let me stop you there of course not yeah that's fine what was it the chicken pox talk well yeah everybody's been talking everybody uh on twitter all the cool kids oh online i think there was just this uh yes not at cnn.com sam i thought you were down at the town square not at something awful you loser uh the just the idea i think it was um funny for younger people to find out about how a lot of parents of older people would get their kids together if one of them had chicken pox so the other one could get it yeah pox party man those were huge and my dad was throwing those a bunch of kids to come over empty the hot tub so there's

no water in it throw them in there strip them nude and cover them with the lid then everyone comes out a little bit older a little bit wiser and a little bit itchier well yeah i had to do that my uh my mom's best friend had a daughter who got chicken pox and then i had to spend the night and i said no uh they made us 69 and then i went home and i was like what is this this is uh over stimulating that's how you got her you got it at seven years old oh hell yeah you never had a shot man yeah there was no dental dams it was just uh get in there make her come make my daughter come my mom and her mom were they were sharing a nice

can of tab i remember tab in the 90s they're taking bets your dad's running book on who's gonna come first you were the little girl jesus christ uh but yeah we uh we like the free episode okay let's give him a taste. This is my life. Yeah. Let's give him some poison, man. I wasn't talking to you, Nathan. Oh, but yeah, we drank from the same can.

It was weird. And got chicken pox and then gave it to my sister. Again, 69 style. Worked through it. Hey, it was a different time because we weren't able to put it on the Internet and make a bunch of money. We just had to go on with our lives. Just for the love of the game. We just had to do it for free.

Yeah, for science. Jason was there. He's jealous. He was jacking it. Your little five-year-old brother's just pounding it uh oh listen to this before i forget if i can oh this is your first listen to this i did a show in uh raton new mexico tell me all about it i'm sure it went great it was it would have been okay if it weren't for one woman you know okay i thought everything i was gonna say was if it went for one wally it went for one little queebus named wally wally wallow no wally was great um

okay brad wenzel and jordan doll came down and uh we did a show in trinidad went well i was nervous about raton because uh i don't think there's been any comedy there there's not a lot going on down there it's quiet it's sleepy they've outlawed laughter ever since the erp gang left yeah ever since billy the kid anytime anytime anybody laughs down there somebody thinks that they're laughing at them and a gunfight breaks out. Yeah. So we were at this bar and I don't know what to what to expect. But this guy, the owner, Jason, was there. And my God, he was straight out of a graphic novel.

He had something happen to one of his eyes. So it was all closed up, you you know and then that side of his face was tatted up to hell like a bunch of thick dark ink uh on that side of his face so you have a wound and then just fucking face tattoo yeah so it's like hey stop looking at my eye and it's like oh no i'm admiring that giant spider that you have uh next to you. Yeah. And then I'm not sure we tried to figure it out after the show by looking at pictures of him online. But I'm pretty sure he had a knuckle tattoo that said rape. Oh, I cannot confirm. He was a super nice guy, too.

So I might be completely wrong. He said vape. No age. Yeah, it's possible but listen fellas uh it was four letters and i'm pretty sure i'm four for four on what those letters were again like his face i didn't want to stare he was a nice guy we had a nice conversation he's good guy all the other did the other fist say don't because Because that would make sense. It's possible. See, yeah, I didn't want to worry about it. I just wanted to get the show going. And, you know, he bummed me a smoke.

So, you know, he's cool in my book. Whatever it says. Maybe it says always. No, I'm kidding. He has a bunch of extra knuckles. But, yeah, no, the show went well. Got to see a bear from like 100 yards away. There was a bear in the dog park.

And so that was cool. Whoa. Just a big old black bear. You sure it wasn't Jordan Dahl mourning his set? The show hadn't started yet. Because I saw how he was dressed. He looks like a white guy who gets beaten up by Hawaiians. He looked ridiculous.

He looked like he was getting false crack live on stage. No, so Raton, yeah, there were a bunch of tough-looking dudes, whether they were like the cowboy kind, like white cowboy, or like Mexican dudes, you know. Everybody looked pretty tough down there, but they were, uh, cool. We had a good show. There was one woman who immediately was like, Oh, this is about me. Like as soon as I walked in, she said something about loving my hair. And I was like, she's going to try to touch it. And then, uh, we set up the microphone and she like came over to it as if it was like your your your sound system awaits uh you

know lady gaga and uh she acted like she was gonna be able to just start talking into it and i was like oh no no this is for the for the show we're gonna do uh so you're not gonna talk into this mic you know like ever uh yeah like i yeah i'd rather fucking kill you than hear what you have to say hey let's get that guy's hand tattoo up here into this uh she was uh so i knew she was gonna be trouble and she was you know she kept trying to fucking get in there uh you know in between uh one of those things uh i developed a defense mechanism where i got so sick of people yelling shit out when i would like pause for more than two seconds that a lot of times i would just head down and and talk probably too you know faster than i should faster than i would like to you know that's like a first couple years comic

situation i get it no it's not it's something that it's a survival technique so i don't have to blast people every time i perform and uh me and jordan both kind of did that brad kind of brad brad kind of let this woman talk and then would just be like this isn't a conversation uh of let this woman talk and then would just be like this isn't a conversation uh i don't know how he it seemed like he was mad but he like kept it cool i would have just you know maybe told her to fuck off but he can't do that that doesn't fit his the character he's doing up there wenzel's like he's one of those guys baby jazz man yeah yeah baby scat uh but yeah other than this one annoying woman who really who really was just like every joke is either approved by me or gets gets a no from me you know just a little simon cowell

and that was annoying but i my positive thinking was that at least there weren't eight of those person, you know, eight more of her. Everybody else was cool, had a good time. So that was a relief. You know what you should do when you do shows down there? Open carry. Just keep a fucking pistol on your hip, man. I had a knife in my mouth for half the time.

Just talking like a guy with a cigar, but it's a giant knife in my mouth. That'd be cool if you could get a knife to put on the end of your tongue. And then just whenever, yeah, then you just hit him with the lizard. 69. 60 knife.

60, nice. Yeah, you should get a gun and just keep one hand on the mic and one hand on the gun at all times. And then just look people in the eyes as you say your colorful missives. This is an open mic and an open carry

and I will blast you. My crowd work will leave you six feet under yeah i'm i want to put holes in someone so step to me step to me ronda oh the other thing that was funny is uh you know when we after the show when we were trying to figure out this guy uh the tattoo situation we uh nicole jordan's girlfriend nicole was down here i'm familiar she's she was trying to find him and i was trying to find him and i found some pictures of him and i was like oh hell yeah and then i couldn't see the tattoo like any ink at all on his hand and i was like uh-oh this is this fresh ink it wasn't it wasn't like when he was 17 and didn't know any better

no i'm not i'm not sure what was going on. It wasn't a youthful mistake. It was a well-thought-out 42-year-old decision to get rape on his knuckles. It doesn't make sense because, like I said, he seems like a good guy. Was very pleasant, nice, supportive of the show, had a good time, whatever. All of those things. So we might have to get him on the pod. I want to hear this guy's stories.

Yeah, I want to know what the other knuckle says. Must? Can I has? Can I has rape? Yeah, he's into memes. Yeah maybe it says raiden maybe he loves mortal combat oh dude there was there was a dude down there mauricio and he was a he was a uh gay guatemalan shits you know the gay guatemalan i shouldn't say a a gay Guatemalan as if there's a bunch of those types of people down there. He stands alone. He was hilarious.

He was great. But after the show, he was saying how he's just been like, he was married for a couple years. Now he's divorced, loving it, single. I was like, oh, it's got to be tough to date down here. He's like, no, it's great. He said, there's all these tough guys that'll come hang out at the bar and he'll be like so are you a top or a bottom and then they will be like i love pussy and then at the end of the night uh he's like okay well i'm going to go home so you can go love pussy or whatever and then they fucking go with him and fuck they he

gets fucked he gets pounded out he has saddle sores and i think he pounds too so it was interesting he said there was a guy tough looking big guy you know oh yeah fuck that i love pussy mauricio was like oh that's great that's that's you have fun with that and then he went to leave or he left and uh all of a sudden he like here's a truck truck pull up and the guys in his truck and he goes, want to ride? And Mauricio was like, yes, of course. And then they go to his house and he gets fucking laid, maybe even paid. So, you know, big, big ups to Mauricio. Hopefully he'll one of these guys is going to want to know because one of these guys is going to kill him after your impression that you just did with his dick.

No. Yeah. They is going to kill him after your impression that you just did. With his dick? No. Yeah, they're going to fucking drag him behind a truck, man. No, I don't think he's worried about it. Well, I'm glad he's living a big, bold, beautiful life down there in rat New Mexico, but it just seems like a dangerous place to, you know. To be yourself? Yeah, to be exactly. To be himself.

Hide under layers of denim and leather uh yeah no i agree that it would not be uh i mean but that's a lot of places you know and he broke he was in uh breckenridge and got sick of it because it was a bunch of fucking rich assholes buying their third house for four million dollars and so he got out of there probably banged his way through breckenridge oh yeah for sure call that pulling a chuck roy that's why chuck show had to end because he fucking banged the lieutenant mayor and then they were like well sir here's the key to my hole you have to leave town uh yeah no i agree that it uh would be tough to be down there in raton but again uh

a lot of nice people in raton it's not like everybody's got a chip on their shoulder and uh i think most people are down there on purpose as opposed to being born there and being stuck so that helps too i think no one lives in rat new mexico on purpose man stop denigrating it by using the english term as if it's uh you know that's what i do i don't call pueblo i call it town colorado yeah well you're nagging southern colorado and northern new mexico we don't like it hey man i'm from my bloodline is from south of rat. I'm a rat person. Call Elizabeth Liz Colorado. Yeah, call it Liz Lemon Colorado. Yeah, you guys have 30 rocks, and those are your prized possessions.

Those are your precious resources. That's our currency. Look at our 30 rocks. Look, Sam's going to put all of them in his mouth. look sam's gonna put all of them in his mouth oh yeah jordan uh was trying to finish his set by doing one of his jokes about when he goes to the golden gate bridge yeah and i and i cop on a bike asks if he's there to kill himself like ruins his whole vibe because he was having a nice time like thinking about the world and his place in it or whatever and then the cop like shatters that, you know, nice time.

Yeah. All right. Well, yeah, this isn't for you. I'm not catching you up. This is a painting the picture. I'm sorry. The audience. We're not just talking.

And then we're going to hang up and go about our lives. So he's doing that joke. And he said, you know, how it made him. It makes you think that maybe you are going to kill yourself. If somebody asks you if you are like, oh, maybe I am. Why are these rocks in my pocket? You know, and that's such a funny, funny line. This woman keeps trying to get in there to say something. But Jordan steamrolling her and then eventually she just goes, were they painted rocks?

And it was just like, were they painted rocks? And it was just like, Oh my God, of course, that's what you had to get, get in. You know, it was like, uh,

I, if she had, if she had tried to push it after the show, I was going to tell her, Hey, I know that it seems like it should be able to be a conversation, but it can't be there because they're like music. There is a certain pace

or rhythm that you are interrupting and you know it's not the same as as uh music but it would be like if you know every time during a song you wanted to talk the band would have to stop playing and then you would have to say you're dumb and then the band would have to like pick up where they left off you know it's annoying that comparison would not have worked on this paint huffing mule-brained woman all right yeah no way were you gonna be like no it's like jazz lady and she's like i ate too many quarters she's fucking she's a stupid woman who lives in rat man she's a rat brain bitch i mean it is your job as the host to kind of take that bullet and be like mamacita you better shut up all right yeah no shit i know uh what it is to be the host which i tried to i tried to reinforce the good behavior and say, you guys are doing great. Like it was me and then Jay and Jay Gillespie.

And, you know, he's a whole he's a handful. But also like he doesn't allow for talking. So I got to say, like, you guys are doing a great job. Just keep sitting there enjoying the comedy. These comics are great. They're very funny. I don't know. I didn't want to have to say specifically hey lady shut your giant mouth oh dude i bet the entire bar would have gone crazy

that tip jar would have been full because they all hate her that's the thing about these small town shows if you're in a regular bar this lady has ruined every karaoke night uh there's been various quinceañeras and uh got out of jail parties there that she's fucking interrupted to sing the star spangled banner like well but that you know that it's also tough because maybe they don't like her a whole lot but we are strangers from the big city of of trinidad right it's like hey man we know she's a retard, but she's our retard. That's right. Yeah. I went to high school with her. We 69 at 12. I was the one driving the tractor who put her in that condition.

There are. Yeah, there are allegiances to to, you know, the town's folks sometimes that. So and, you know, you have to walk that line between being funny and a little mean. And I didn't want to tip the scales. And I don't know. So I did. You've been tipping the scales. Yeah.

All right. Yes. I should cut a leg off so that we're the same weight. Hey, man, I'm down 17 pounds. Nice. Yeah, I'm going to live forever. You chopped your dick off. That's cool.

It's extreme. You could have just kept being keto. But instead, like i'm gonna take a shortcut it was a real shortcut too shorter than jake's neo-nazi style hair yes god is this got him the only thing that is funny is that you've got more on the one side of the side of your head than the other, huh? Yeah. By like a lot.

Oh yeah. You look like George Michael when the dog groomers fucking power went out halfway through. I got some hats. I got a couple of hats. If you want to check them out. I tell you, I got so many.

Yeah. Oh yeah. new hat every day baby nice yep can't be stopped i got a hat for every regionally specific airport i can go to too i'm gonna come to raton and i'm gonna have like a raton rodeo hat and everyone's going to be like, the prodigal son returns. The prophecy was true. He's back. And he's 17 pounds lighter. Keto's fun. It's like, are you eating a carrot, you fucking psycho? Slap it out of your hand.

You can play to bacon. You're going to live forever. No carrots. Oh, you can't have carrots dude they're laden with sugars are you crazy if it grows below ground you can't you got to get that out of town that's a little rhyme we do what about potato becker think it through i'm on a diet where there's no starches or sugars no you think i can have a tater? I don't know the rules of this cockamamie diet. I can eat whatever I want.

Oh, you mean the one that Olympic swimmers are on? Yeah, right. Okay. They're not, for sure. They're cramming spaghetti. They need carbs. Yeah, they're just munching skeddy. Emily's all skinny.

She's been on it. She told me she's been throwing up, which is cheating. Emmy's been barfing yeah she puts a finger down her hole emmy are you believing it yeah are you throwing up your food is that where you spend so much time in the bathroom you've just been in the bathroom blasting some 41 as loud as she can her breath stings and you're like oh boy this keto is rough and she's like yeah you idiot and he just said don't make fun of bulimia it's a serious illness yeah of course and we definitely

don't make fun of serious things on this podcast tell us more about 69ing your sister what do you think about that m1 muncher kim she hates it but gordy's rock hard interesting wow gordy's humping the air next to you yeah good thing i can't have that carrot i'm hungry you remember valentine remember sarah b's dog valentine would just hump his way across the carpet yeah the horniest dog of all time. Yeah, it made sense B. had that dog. Yeah.

Valentine learned it from watching her. Oh, yeah. They're on the same diet of horniness. Yeah, it'd be like the two cutest dogs, Gordy and George Michael. Oh, great photo. And then just in the background, Valentine assaulting

the air. Just fucking just hand knuckle tattooing the existence. That's him at the dog park. At the dog park, he'd always just start humping. Yeah. And B's like, oh, Valentine. And it's like there's like children playing around like, Mommy,

what's happening over there? Oh, who cares? Who cares? I love a horny dog it's one of the funnier things in life as a dog humping either another dog or nothing humping nothing just just the the idea that they know that that's the movement and then the details don't matter like inserting your penis into a dog's vagin oh yeah like that they're like hey we'll figure it out later for now i just got to do this and the immortal words of ray parker jr busting makes me feel good i mean it is i think it's funnier when a dog humps a human's leg or

their shoulder or the side of their head and then the owner is always like oh that means he likes you and it's like no shit he's trying to nut in my ear of course he likes me a half human monster same time that doesn't mean that you like someone if you're trying to fuck them you're all horned up yeah it doesn't mean shit yeah it doesn't have any any bearing on uh how much you enjoy someone's company. No, it's a survival mechanism. Yeah. What's going on with you, Sam, other than being angry all the time because you're on keto?

I'm not angry, man. I'm in a very good place. Actually, I got so much energy. I'm just fucking dripping weight off my body. Working out? Yeah, of course. I'm the best. Yeah, right. I'm just fucking dripping weight off my body. Working out? Yeah, of course. I'm the best. Yeah, right. I'm number one.

I'm the number one American football star. It's Saturday. How much have you worked out in the last six days? How many hours are in a week? Nobody knows. Because like... It changes week to week. Probably like, okay, well, at least like 50% of those hours.

Yeah, I'll bet. Yeah. Ew, dude, you crack a tab? I fucking buried Marin on Thursday. It was insane. I felt so bad about it. Yeah, right. You rock hard.

No, dude. You're harder than Gordy. I felt bad because I was like okay well i won't do crowd work you know because that's a rude thing to do when it's a two-man show so i just did my act and it just leveled the place and then he went up there like the first four minutes he was on stage he was like i can't fucking follow that i've done stand-up three times in the last year and sam just came up here and destroyed it's gonna going to be a whole different show, people. So lower your expectations for me, Mark Maron,

who you all came to see. He just kind of bitched about how well I did. And they're filming a documentary. So Steven Fine Arts is there with a camera. And I'm like, dude, I feel bad. And he's like, oh, no, he says this all the time. And it's like, I don't think he does. I don't think he submarines his set immediately because he's in his head so much steven said that maren was just in the green room watching my set going fuck oh fuck jesus christ fuck so felt bad about that

yeah i'll bet i did i don't want to smoke a guy i believe you he was like i've never you totally do you've literally said every time the that this has been talked about i want to crush every time i want to bury anyone after me i'm the best sam t nation doing the worm look i do say all these things i do say that stuff all the time. You're right. That is in my sleep. I'm murmuring those things. Emily has to put a wooden spoon in my mouth so I don't swallow my own tongue. No, but I mean, he was nice enough to have me on his podcast, WTF.

Might have heard of it. He's never seen my act before. Where's the farts? Where's the farts? Yeah. So, I don't know. just felt bad like i it was opening night of comedy works downtown first show they've had back you're fired up electricity in the room also this was fucking stupid man i asked mer and i was like hey man can i open for you with

their shows and he was like oh let me let me check it shouldn't be a problem i'll let you know no one gets back to me the list for comedy works the weekend schedule comes out at like six o'clock the show's at eight brent gill texts me at 6 30 hey congrats on opening for marin i'm in port collins i call wendy wendy what the fuck no that's the podcast uh she's like oh yeah they said that you were on and i was like no one told me so i fucking haul balls down there you know run in the room hey marin how you doing fine arts what's popping comedy works how the fuck are you it's opening night electric room everyone's there to see marin then he proceeds to go out there and just you know read oh josh blue was there josh was so mean to marin nice yeah because josh asked marin he was

like hey man uh can i run my america's got talent set after sam like i'm just trying to run five clean minutes i guess marin told him just no and shut the door so josh was like okay enjoy following sam then so i get there and josh is like hey i'm staying to watch the set dude i'm like all right cool josh this will rule and then uh i'm on stage and i can just hear josh like behind the curtain where the piano would be going yeah yeah well do you think it would have made it easier for marin to follow josh blue's best five minutes no yeah no tough it would be tough how much did you do 20 20 and then while marin was on stage josh came up to me and he's like hey after marin's done go up there and do 15 so they get their money's worth i was like no dude that's mean and then marin like was closing by reading notes and josh was like he's reading the fucking note do seven

josh was so giddy that marin was struggling i mean the guy hadn't been on stage he's done like three sets you know like he's tuning up he's getting his shit back together yeah but should you tune up by doing the first weekend of the best club in the world well i don't know dude i mean i literally feel bad because like he was nice to me and i don't i didn't mean to like i assumed that he would level the place because he's the man and it's his crowd and it's comedy works and he was just getting his stuff back together that's all yeah well it's like oh yeah that's good stuff stop doing java the hut you're acting like you're you're doing like jim ross right after his bells palsy attack you're fucking you're Ross right after his Bell's palsy attack. You're making it seem like it's really hard to understand Josh.

He's always choking on his tongue. I was going to say, it's weird when you are Marin and your whole thing, while becoming super famous and known or whatever, is to be insecure because then you have to go up there and instead of having any confidence of 40 years in the business, you're just like, that guy fucking probably has a cooler dick than me. Whoa, God. That's just a funny way to go about life.

Just be destroyed because the guy in the home club does a good job up front. You're like, oh, God. What the fuck? God. Just starts using again. Comes out sloshed.

Yeah, Josh has like a needle and a spoon back there for him. Let me just try you off, Mark. I sound like Krang. And Janae was there, too. So she was like, that was a good set, man. And Josh was like, yes, it was. I will stay to watch you do the set

so i think brent gill opened for him last night because like i was booked for the whole weekend and i couldn't do it because i'm at the you know i fucking was at comedy fort last night so i think he had me and then brent gill and then adam caton holland on saturday well but also as we all know contrary to what science and art have taught us brent gill can crush i know at the comedy works contrary to all of god and man's laws brent gill is an excellent comedian trying to do all this introspective stuff you know like smart like he was like one of the first things he said when he went on stage about me he was like you know it's funny when you only have a 20 minute set it's like what am i gonna talk about and like i was up there doing like my you know butt fucking and fart jokes and stuff like my new stuff you know it's pretty

dirty and he like tried to get me and then i heard brent was fucking hosting and i was like oh god if you thought i was fucking blue and like below the belt wait till you see what brent does up there yeah uh we'll have to we'll have to talk to brent about that because i'll be contrary to the laws of matter marin could be dead right now he's swinging oh shit and yeah like you said those crowds i'll bet are pumped because if i doubt many of them have went down to the south club so they might not have seen comedy live uh for over a year right and it was a vaccinated show and they were literally all there to see him yeah yeah uh probably a super spreader event so that's cool yeah probably when they're all crammed in there no

one was in masks one lady was wearing a mask and i was like take that off you and everyone yeah dump out your lips yeah let's see uh josh was like give me a kiss mama let me tell you about the time that i was uh hosting for josh at his like last album recording and he had a bunch of uh josh blue by the way people you said you said it already okay cool he's the man uh we all love him dearly he's i mean he might fucking pull the unprecedented move of winning america's got talent and uh what's the other one last comic standing i mean that'd be nuts yeah so uh i'm hosting for josh and there's all these paintings like on stage behind josh and i know he like dabbles in painting and should i own a couple of his paintings uh and when i go up on stage i'm

like first thing i do is make fun of these paintings i'm like wow you know these are shit you know whatever and the crowd fucking hates it like they turn on me immediately my opening set is brutal i get off stage and i'm like oh fuck i don't know what that was and he's like those paintings weren't done by me stupid they're done by this other palsy guy who paints them with his forehead and i was like oh no and i like go back out to bring on you know bring off the first comic and the guy is sitting in the front row you know he's like you know looks like uh he had been wrung out by two people someone had his feet someone had his head and they just twisted him around you know like he had it bad he didn't have it like bukley style where it's just for tv like just when it rains yeah like it looked like someone

had to like hold him by his ankles and like swing him like a pendulum at the canvas so he could you know so it's like of course they fucking hated me and then it turns out this guy has like paintings in museums all over the world he's like a very well-respected painter and i just opened my set by shitting on him uh on accident i i saw a crowd not love it once when you because they i think a lot of times they don't know how close comics are and they'll go they'll go they'll swing like this painter they'll swing wildly in both directions they'll either think that we're not friends at all and so it's unprofessional to to make of each other. Or they'll go the other way and think that we're all best friends. And they'll be wrong in that regard. You know, if as far as it's like, oh, yeah, if they're on the same show together, they probably work together all the time or whatever. Right. And I remember

one time where you shit on Josh, I think he did a set on like New Talent Night, but like, you know, in that sweet spot. it's like there's all there's there's a bunch of comics after him and you were either hosting or you went up later and you just said he said something about having to change his diaper and the crowd was like i don't think so honey well he's beloved you know but but but it's way funnier to realize that you were that you know each other and then if they donnier to realize that you work that you know each other and then if they don't think that they just think that you're like trying to get them you know yeah they think that i'm like petty and me very yeah bury him or something yeah i mean i i but what

the thing is is when you're opening for josh and you like do and then they do like you blasting him it's some of the biggest laughs you can ever get like that great bit i have about you know josh blue he's a great father he's raised two kids never above his own head yeah one of the best jokes ever and i've said that you know i'm the best santee nation do the work he uh when that one hits they lose their fucking minds so yeah well it's uh because i'm a brave artist who takes chances it's the it is that benign violation that dr pete mcgraw loves so much he sucks but but that there's something to that idea it's not the end all be all of why we laugh there's more to it than that there's more magic to it but for a scientist in a in a

sweater vest to uh break it down that part it is part of that where like you're not supposed to make fun of them you have to you're supposed to call josh brave or whatever which he also hates he hates it so much right but but that's what a lot of people think you're supposed to do is be like uh very reverent of of anyone with uh any type think you're supposed to do is be like, uh, very reverent of, of, of anyone with, uh, any type of, you're supposed to treat him different because he is this guy. So,

uh, so to make fun of him, it's like taboo. But then if you know that it's okay, then you can laugh very hard because of the, the whole, uh, thing,

you know, it's, it's, it's fun to explain comedy basically yeah i mean it's also like if you have someone in a wheelchair at your show nine times out of ten they love it when you make fun of them because no one's ever treated them like a normal human being before if you have a blind guy there it's hilarious to throw a tennis ball at their head like they just want to be treated like another person who's there because they're always getting treated differently like

the other and when you treat them like a just a normal person they love it and then the crowd's like oh my god what a monster and afterward they're like we i love you you're the best that was great thanks for doing that to me man thanks for bringing me in on the bits i appreciate it a big fan big fan there dude i guess that's how blind people talk i don't know big fan. Big fan there, dude. I guess that's how blind people talk. Big fan, dude. Hey, dude, that was great stuff, man. It almost started sounding like that one guy from San Francisco.

Can't get enough of that funky flavor you threw down up there. I'm blind as hell, but even I could see that you got a bright future kid so anyway josh is the fucking man and how giddy he was at marin struggling was uh was hilarious yeah for sure uh that's great hopefully marin is uh barely holding on no man he's fine and again like i'm really really glad that he was nice to me and he did book me for these shows and that he had me on the podcast so not trying to be a shithead i'm just saying i regret having brought so much energy to the show before him it is uh tough because are you supposed to well you know we've talked about this before are you are you supposed to do your best stuff for the crowd maybe for the for the headliner no but then that's weird well i didn't do crowd work i know i'm saying concession do your you have to do your best jokes it's not like you're supposed

to like pull back i don't know yeah i mean last night i probably think that i got a standing ovation at the comedy for it after riffing 45 minutes i didn't do that to him i did my stupid you know i smelt a bad fart jokes and stuff like that uh yeah and i think i've said on the pod josh is one of those comics that does not he wants to have somebody funny ahead of him not some weak uh you know clown that that uh so he doesn't have to worry about uh following someone but josh will follow whoever and that's commendable because that's not always the case some comics want some new loser to go up first so that they can you know not sweat You don't have to work that hard. Struggling, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I mean, Josh is just impossible to follow. He's one of the best comics working. No one gives him any respect. It's crazy. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Becker's having another sig.

That's two in this hour so far. That's three. He's out there blasting. He loves them. Last time he had two in his mouth at the same time which is a bold move oh really the marlboro tusk the cartoon character he had like a mouth full of them i've seen my friend ryan janticock smoke 20 newport 100s at once oh my god it was fucked man he popped them all in there lit them all up with like a butane torch and then he puffed them all in a log oh it was gross man jance the cock you beautiful bastard well this was back when he had like you know five duis and was drinking scissor 24 hours a day he's come a long way

uh oh i read that interview i don't think we're at an hour becker you fucking liar we're we're seven minutes short i gotta go do shit oh you gotta go sorry i'm letting you know my pregnant kid sister's coming here because her flight got canceled last night so she had to drive up for her uh baby shower that she was gonna fly up to denver for where she lived she's stopping here to take a break uh white sands alma gordo oh my god she's down in gordo yep that's those of us in the know call it gordo okay why don't you call it fat you uh spanish to english dictionary blanco gordo which is what they also call lund she was trying to call me when my screen went black and then i ran out to see if she was here

yet and she's not but i was unlocking the door and stuff for her okay cool yeah well let's inconvenience your pregnant sister yeah there's uh where's the baby father uh he is in alamogordo working or no he had to go he's at some other military base for i think six weeks and then in uh september he goes to korea and then in november she goes to korea so you're saying there's a chance there's a bit of a window here you're trying to steal Moose's wife huh no I don't want anything to do with that family well big news if you're in Denver August 27th Lucha Libre

and Laps me and Sam teaming up yeah the dream team back together it's official. I big-timed Mitch Jones. I said, you're off the show. If you show up, you will not be allowed in. Actually, he's going to

be the ring announcer instead of Gossard, which is an improvement, for sure. I'm just really glad that you decided to do it with me because you were saying, no, you didn't want to do it. You didn't want to hang hang out with me you didn't want to be friends and then you changed your mind and that felt good yeah uh it was just because i went up to denver a few weekends in a row and it was annoying and so i was like all right i need a break and now i i have had a break

also i thought maybe i'd be busier uh working at the dad lounge in August. So I thought I'd maybe focus on that on making real money instead of comedy money. But no, I'm going to come up. Celebrate the birth of MT. Yeah, come on up. She'll be 30, dude. We're going to cut her open.

Count her rings. You got anything to plug? Boulder Comedy Show Sunday, 8- eight eight i'm there and then all you fucking brainless bitches and gat mouth idiots i'm off until august 27th baby taking the whole good good goo goo gaga diaper filling month of august off to go spend some time with my wife's Good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, good, that'll be great if you are uh if you are caught up on the free episodes and you want more chubby behemoth in your ears go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth we got maybe 43 episodes maybe 47 47 episodes my god oh my god that's almost two days of content uh yeah you can have a whole weekend of bernie's kind of situation and stuff them all

right inside of you uh some of the best episodes are patreon episodes just not not not by design just uh how the cookie crumbles so check them out thank you for listening we usually record them at night too instead of when lon has just woken up at 1 30 in the afternoon like follow subscribe tell your friends tell your enemies to check us out we're a good podcast i think i can say that about 100 episodes and we're solid pod so uh yeah happy exploring uh i gotta go fill a toilet and then maybe a second backup toilet so i gotta go but uh i love you sam i love you becker i'll see you guys soon uh august 27th literally brand last check it out i love you guys becker uh say hi to your sister for

me how far along is she uh she's due like the first week of november so so there's not any milk in the jugs yet i don't't know. She's pretty big in the stomach. Okay, well, yeah. If she has them, take a photo. We can post it on the Patreon. God damn it. All right. They shut the highway down to the state line. Oh, no.

Do I need to go save her? I don't know. I need to call her, though. I will see you guys soon. Shut down I-25 just north of Colorado? What the fuck? Why, because she had him too much?