Chubby Behemoth - Ballad Of Rick Shaw

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

Pizza Chess. Problematic Socko. Goat OR Pig.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

and I want to be carried by manpower. We're going east to west to build a railroad. We ain't Chinese, but we got a big load and we're going to survive after the contract expires. Expires, yeah. So put me in your little man cart and pick me off the ground. And hey, let's start towards westward expansion want to build a mansion of railroad bones

you can't leave me alone with your rickshaw no yeah when we get to sf i'm gonna kill my wife then we'll start a new life just you and me no strife just gay love day and night we're living tahoe half of the year then we're going to truckie and we're brewing our own beer that's right it's an ipa gay love story that's going in a rickshaw and i killed my wife and it feels all right because i want to bang dudes but my dad thought it was bad so strap me in and strap me down put a spoon in my mouth so my tongue can't drown in the back of my throat that's right rick shaw love got electrified to get the gay out but it just made me gayer than ever. Being gay is wrong.

I wouldn't have wrote this song. So let me be gay all night long. I want to love you in the way that the devil enjoys. Girls and boys. No, no. I want a full grown man to hold my my gland, to hold my hand in public. No one loves me but you. Got tough hands from working the land.

Gonna strangle anybody that says that I'm going to hell because I'm heaven bound with a big old gag in my mouth. Sucking my own dick, sucking my best friend's dick we don't have to be best friends as long as we're getting it in with each other under the covers we're two dudes who are lovers

your name's Rickshaw that's a great coincidence this is meant to be whoa all right uh coming in hot coming in with a sweet dulcet song about what we wish we could be if we didn't have to live in this cruel facade yeah if we get to if we get to pick our next life and then maybe you don't uh get to carry the knowledge of uh of past experiences with you but you pick what you're gonna do for your next go-round i think we figured it out just now yeah it's fun to think about when you get reincarnated and it's just a like a create a wrestler screen from WCW and WO. Yeah, make my dick bigger, make my head smaller.

Thank you. Make my finisher the double underhook DDT. That's the only way you can come, is if you hit him with your finisher in your next life. That's why they call it a finisher. That's right. You get off and then you get on for the pin.

You get off, you get on. That's the you get off you get on that's the rickshaw song and you hop on hey we're going long on the rickshaw song oh your name's rickshaw you were born into this didn't have a choice well now that you're my lover you can raise your voice we're gonna get you an uber pass and you're my lover, you can raise your voice. We're going to get you an Uber pass and you're going to drive a Prius. No man of mine's going to be a human mule. Wait, are you trying to make Rickshaw be on a Rickshaw and build the railroads? But in modern modern times? Yeah, exactly.

I like times. I'm not even turned on by man love. It's just anachronism. That's what gets me going. Becker, your voice. Go ahead. Do a verse. I can't. You know how high I am right now? Look how high he is.

I can't string words together. Oh my God, he's so high. Wait, let's talk about how much food we ate last night. Because if Becker's normal becker and me and sam did what we did i think we'll all be fucking gross as hell sam yeah who wants to go first sam do it okay so last night we ordered bojos for monday night football and uh let me just tell you what the side was to my main entree before we get into the guts of it is bozos a cajun tgi fridays i don't think i've encountered a bozos no

what bozos colorado mountain pie i don't think i i don't think i've had it what the fuck i feel like you have been removed from a lunch buffet. Is that a thing? Yeah, it used to be, it used to be before they, before that settlement money came in that I want. No, I don't think I've had it. It's in Denver and BoCo.

I mean, it started in Idaho Springs, but then the love of BoJo spread like a chlamydia at a fog hat concert. And it's a, it's like a thick, it's here's the thing it's a normal size crust but the normal size like base layer but then the actual crust of the pizza is thick and doughy and you put honey on it and that's your dessert because you need dessert after you've eaten an

entire two pound pie more food please but make it sweet instead of salty yeah so yeah bojos is uh the colorado mountain pie experience becker you've done that damage for sure oh yeah dude it's one of my favorite things i was so mad when most of the ones in the cities went away i think they're all in mountain towns now yeah um but yeah i mean you don't you don't order by size you order by poundage so either you're one pounder a two pounder or three pounder whoa now we talking. I like to order most of my food by poundage. Yeah. It's like, how many shrimp do you want? I don't know.

What's the kilo? What's seven handfuls? Yeah. What's, I mean, am I chewing these or am I just glurping them? Shell on or off. So side dish was a Caesar salad and 10 wings. And then we got the pizza bucket. And if you're not living a carb-free lifestyle like me,

the pizza bucket is a giant innovation in food technology for a former pant loads or moving towards WOD status. If you're, if you're in the situation where only a couple of your toes are numb, then the pizza buckets, you're way out. It's like basketball for inner-city youth. It's my only way to escape.

It doesn't have any crust, so you just eat what would be the toppings of a pizza, and yeah, you just munch it down, and it's great. The inner crust will get in the way. Less lifting, because you can just strap it to your face like a horse. So I downed a pizza bucket and then slimer yeah exactly it's just belushi's ghost holy shit yeah so i couldn't i couldn't pod last night because i was way too full of just just toppings who's got

time for crust in this busy workaday lifestyle oh well i filled up on crust because megan and i got a big sexy pizza the sexy shake which is pepperoni cream cheese jalapeno it's the sexy chic i think i think it's actually shake is how you say chic no i think they just put yours in a milkshake and you down we colonized it that's you keto you're like hey if you don't have to chew the carbs then your body doesn't know it's going in so you grind up everything you grind up everything like a toothless freak yeah i'm pretty much eating a lot of things that you eat on a dysphagia diet after you have a stroke like you can't trust your tongue to swallow so you just kind of put it in the blender that's my meals pencil shav shavings, rocks. Whole pumpkins.

Grind it up. So, yeah, I had most of that pizza over the course of a few hours because Megan had like two slices and I was like, let me have the rest. Yeah, you held her at gunpoint. You're like, you get your two. And then we had big salad. And then later on, we went to Safeway and got a bunch of snacks. So I had a bunch of honey, mustard and onion pretzels.

I had a bunch of Sour Patch Kids, a bunch of Starburst. Way too many fucking Safeway select. Safeway brand has a killer knockoff of the peanut butter Girl Scout cookie. Which one is that? Not the do-si-do, right? I think it is do-si-do. Yeah. But, yeah, it's like almost exactly the same.

Some of the other ones are garbage, the Safeway cookies. But these are spot on. Girl Scouts can't tell the difference. I've done a blind taste test, and their moms were pissed. But the results were undeniable. Yeah. You can't tell. So, yeah, I had a bunch of those.

I had, I think, four nutty buddies. Because once you pop, you can't. Once you nut, you can't shut up. So I kept cramming nutty buddies. Are you pulling the layers off, layer by layer, or just full munch? This is a string cheese incident? What are you talking about? They're pretty much a tasty string cheese. You're supposed to take them off layer by layer,

and then you lick the peanut butter out of the middle, and then you save the layers. And once all the middle's gone, then you put them together in one wafer, and then you munch that. Nobody's ever done that. That's wild, Sam. You are wild. No way. Nobody's ever done that. That's wild, Sam. You are wild. No way.

That's what you do. Nope. Real wild one. No, 100% you do that. And then you call your mom because the sleepover, you don't feel safe. And then she picks you up and she's pissed that you weren't waiting by the front door. That's how you eat a nutty buddy. I do have a nutty buddy story.

Once I'll wigged out on heroin at a house party i went and raided the kitchen but they could see me in the backyard through the kitchen window and i was i ate like most of that box of nutty buddies and went downstairs and everyone was cracking up so you went in the backyard to eat these no we're having like a house party but it was in the summer so everybody was in this giant mansion's backyard. Okay. And then I went right into the kitchen and got busted, slamming nutty buddies.

But I wasn't as big of a lump yet, so it was just more funny that I was doing it than how funny it would be now. It's funny that you thought you were getting away with it, too. It's more that I didn't care. It's funny that you think you're a lump now. Yeah, exactly. I guess maybe you're a lump now yeah exactly you're

170 pounds maybe you're 220 pounds all right all right that's pretty good and that is lump because like you were saying sam it's lump wad pant load and then wheelbarrow chongas yeah yeah when i when i sit naturally there's rolls, that's pretty good. Yeah, way to go, pal. Becker just proved his roll status. We just gut-checked him. A couple of rolls. Now, Becker, did you eat anything cool or insane last night? So I ate just a normal meal that a guy would eat.

Oh, yeah, just a bucket of toppings and cheese and sauce. Yeah. And wings. You ate, like, you know if it's your first weekend after the divorce at your dad's house he's trying to prove that he's cool oh yeah it was definitely a custody battle meal it was a it was a prove your love or else i'm gonna say that you drink too much yeah and left left the oven on and then went to go get more beer so that you never see me again yeah it was definitely um oh god my

when we were talking about recording my stomach started to hurt so bad and i uh took a shit and then fell asleep for like a half hour and when i woke up it was gonna be time to pod and i was feeling slightly better but it was gonna be rough your body shut down because you ate so much your body tapped out on your brain all it was missing from your meal is uh a very sad man who looks like he's been crying asking so has your mom got any new special friends yeah for sure yeah how many how many people are coming and going yeah uh i didn't do that bad last i think i ate a whole jar of deets and watson uh horseradish pickles okay insane start to the story how many pickles did you have in humboldt psycho you were none of your business you were found oh yeah i was the one

who was guilty of over munching how many different types of animal flesh did you eat you were going i shouldn't i know better you were going pickle for shrimp every shrimp i had you're like well i should probably have a pickle yeah those pickles are so good which one which kind where did you those pickles grill eyes yeah the only ones that matter yeah try and food shame me out of humbled i got the fucking i got the beats on you i'm not roll over i'm just saying i would flip so fast on you you were just you were just shitting on becker for eating a bunch of pickles so i pointed out that you had a lot of pickles as well and then you flipped out no you flipped all right you flipped out you flipped your wig

i thought we were food bragging and becker's like i ate too many cucumbers it's like all right i was just starting that's what i had before i cooked dinner and then i made and then i made uh six uh pork burrito burrito whatever the fuck tacos the like wet melted little mini quesadilla taco for a second all right gravy on top no it's burrito that's the style when you do them all wet mexico city style yeah yeah you don't have to tell me the food innovations that have happened on instagram in the last 12 months all right no i've been eating them at el rey taco in spring since i was a child yeah right you were just chugging consomme okay yeah and then you're thinking of byron uh i'm never thinking of byron except for when i'm trying not to come that's when i think of fire i'm chugging consummate i'm eating burrito and then i and then i ate a bag of those uh jet puffed marshmallows that are filled with chocolate those have those are out there yeah

they're really good and then i ate a second half bag of the Jet Puff marshmallows that are filled with Oreo cookies. Oh my god. Where are you getting those? Walmart. The future? And then I had four Kit Kat bars and a Gatorade and that was it. Wait, four? They just come through a portal every full moon. He checks the mail.

Yeah, Stargate dropped him off. Some mysterious benefactor just gives him sweets he has to take a picture of his belly and send it to an email address it's a dot gov email address what uh shit oh are you saying one pack that has four kit kats in it are you saying four packs of kit kats four packs of kit Kats? Four packs of Kit Kats. Oh, hell yeah. I figured, but I wanted to know for sure. Two of the mochas and two of the OGs.

You ever mix them up? What do you mean? We go like one piece with another piece? Well, no. The way to do it is you take the layers off the Kit Kat and you're filling out the middle. Here we go again. Candy scientist.

We're never going to look back. This will be the first sign of something. And then you stack them up. Yeah, he didn't torture animals, but he fucking ate his sweets like a psychopath. I wanted to know what was inside. Yeah, and then you realize that people are being maimed to you with the lock-in

so you have to call your dad and he has to come from the swing shift position and the performance pissed but you know good for you becker you're really living a life so you had a bunch of marshmallows a bunch of tacos a bunch of pickles and a couple kks yeah good for you pal i thought i was a gluttonous pig but then you always make me feel better about myself with what you do you had a trough you had a trough full of fucking meat and cheese with some sauce on top i did i pretty much i had an italian toilet full of pizza toppings yeah you reversed you reversed uh you reversed reverse mario instead of dumping a bunch out you picked up the dump and then put it in i think you beat both of us other than the sugar intake i think other than the

desserts your like core meal was much more of an animalistic meal than me and nathan no dude lund had uh seven eighths of a pizza i had a salad i. I had six-eighths. I had three-fourths. No, I know you're lying. You probably ate most of it in the backyard like Becker trying to steal delicious treats. Creech was not paying attention to the size of the slices that she consumed, so her two

were tiny twos. That's how you know you're a fat slob. As soon as you open that box, your eyes scan it like the Terminator. You're like, thislob. As soon as you open that box, your eyes scan it like the Terminator. And you're like, oh, this one is 17% larger. Yeah, I've done that. It's like you open the box on the way in and you take the biggest slice

and you're like, hey, pizza's here. Oh, they're missing a slice. What happened? Delivery guy must have been hungry. That doesn't count against mine. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's like pizza chess chess you're a few moves ahead you're like all right if he takes that one i'm gonna take this one if he takes that one i'm gonna take that one or yeah or you drop it on the way out like get it from the car and you drop it and you're like

oh crap this one's room we got to get another one delivered yeah eat that one while you go get the other one yeah or also it's fun when you see someone take a slice and they like lose a sausage off of it and you're like all right that's a win for me because i'm going second a lot of my pizza eating is like when you get a bag of weed in middle school and you're like all right you split i choose oh yeah we used to make me do that used to say you split it and i'll pick it and it's like uh i start sweating i'm like i'm gonna blow it you just start cackling you're like either way i win this is how i win yeah you're gonna get the better one well you know a fun way to do that

is do a nug draft so you just pick nug by nug. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I wasn't going for trying to be sneaky and get away with anything. I was literally splitting it up fair so that we both got to win. So I don't think you ever really would have come out on top in that. No. In our exchange. What you choose is a perfect predicament.

Yeah. It's socialism. Better split. It's socialism yeah socialism works do you see me get you see me get blasted in the fucking patreon comments yeah and also i don't even know if that guy's a subscriber i think he was a subscriber and then he canceled it and now he's just in there i don't know if you can do that i think you get i think you get the boot if you don't i mean i think he's a nice guy i think he's just like

uh swings from logic to rage. Because there's a lot of messages from him, too. They're like, you've got to quit being a pussy. And then he'll be like, I'm sorry. I was being sensitive. I'm a big fan. So, yeah, I don't know. He's cool.

Yeah, well, I got blasted. It's funny to think that I work five hours a week. That's reductive. I work hard uh and smart which is not how you're supposed to do it you're supposed to pick one yeah you're bartending what 36 hours a week though well i mean they're long shifts usually 10 to 12 hours slaving away pulling a beer you know yeah cracking open one mike's hard lemonade every 45 minutes another white claw ma'am yeah uh you know and then it's it's harder than being at a busy job it sucks no well yeah i like when it's i like when it's a little busy but not dead

it was dead the it was dead uh sunday i worked sunday and there's just one guy just losing his mind just vomiting vocabulary at me and i'm just like i'm stuck here i like them but it was also a lot because it's like usually you talk to somebody for an hour maybe two but they're talking to their friends and so and you're moving around but it was just me and him looking at each other there's nothing for me to wipe but yeah fuck that guy uh who blasted me because he's acting like i'm some smug lib elitist that looks down on the working man i told i said that people were annoying for calling you a fascist because you have a jim carrey related joke about anti-maskers and somehow it all you know triggered several people the guy that commented fascist and now this guy uh in the page

was fucking blasting me and it's like all right uh all right, I'm an elite classist because I want people to get a free vaccine so that hospital workers like your doctor wife are less likely to, like, leave the field and leave us. You know, we could go back to Civil War times where if you get an infection, you're going to either die or you have to cut off your own leg. I like that Emily's overworked. There's not going to be any doctors or nurses in a year and a half. Yeah, and that'll be a true society. There'll be no hierarchy. We're trying to get rid of the caste system of people who are like professionals who go to school for eight years and just like idiots like me who are like, I don't need toenails.

How many do you have now? Last time you were down one. How many do you have now? Last time you were down one. How many do you have now? Let's just say I got pretty lonely in that hotel room in Maine. So my guys don't have hats on. I circumcised all my toenails. Oh, God. No, it's better when Emily comes home after a 14-hour day in the COVID ward

because she's too tired to say no. You know, she just leaves her body. This is the free one. She leaves her body. It's Miller time. Oh, no. We can have fun on the free one too. I like mentioning it before it got any deeper.

It gets deep. No, it doesn't. You have a tiny little shallow penis that sucks. No, I don't, dude. It gets longer towards the end. Anteater style. Yeah, it's like there's a lump in the middle. It's like a knot that you would tie if you were trying to play Cat's Cradle.

I think Emily is so overworked, she doesn't see how many of the snacks and towels are missing because of eating and shitting accidents. I mean, I don't, I never use a towel. I'll use my own sock if I have a whoopsie. That's my go-to. I just make a Mr. Socko. Yeah. Yeah, put blackface on Mr. Socko. That's what I call it. Problematic Socko. yeah yeah put blackface on mr socko that's what i call it problematic socko i've had to do that a lot in the past where you like have to wipe with the sock and then you're just like slowly rolling

down the window to toss it out at 70 miles per hour what are you fucking kidding me it's a good move yeah it's solid like that's that's a crafty road dog. That's like knowing how to make ramen in the coffee maker in your motel. Oh my God. I have never heard, or if I heard, I blocked it out that you have shit yourself while driving. Yes. Cleaned up with a sock and then tossed it. Yeah. Not stop driving.

Yeah. Well, you got to make time, man. You know, you got to get to Gillette. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So you, you know, you think it'sillette yeah exactly yeah so you you know you think it's a fart and it's actually a whole pizza party it's a surprise party for your undies you know you got aunts and uncles jumping out of the closet uh you made your own pizza bucket

yeah people flew in for this one and then you have to take your shoe off while driving cruise control is crucial for this and then you have to remove your sock and then you have to take your shoe off while driving. Cruise control is crucial for this. And then you have to remove your sock. And then you have to slide in the back, remove the remnants. You can't double check either. So you got to get it all at once. It's one scoop. It's not like an all-you-can-eat thing. You could fold the sock and go back in there.

No, you can't turn it inside out either. I'd have fallen for that one. You could turn it inside out. Well, no shit. You can't turn it inside out. That's the issue. It is shit. That's the problem. Yeah, it's a lot of shit. And so, yeah, you can't turn it inside out that's the problem too much yeah it's a lot of shit and

so yeah you can't uh i like i like i like to picture you then when you're like ah i've got an idea turn it inside out real quick and it's like second sock the inside out sock doesn't have a memory of what just happened yeah exactly it's the mind eraser yeah and then you know and then you roll down the window and you like tell the feature you're like hey check out that bird and then you there's a feature that doesn't notice any of what you're doing oh man for some reason becker's thing thing about eating snacks secretly at a house party reminded me of... We used to pull fun pranks when we'd go to rich kids' house parties in Parker, Colorado.

You know, and you like upper deck. That was a classic one. Poop in the top of the toilet. And another one that we saw, I think, on the movie Stoned Age, which really was like... That was our Rosetta Stoned Age for how to engage with the world some people were dazed and confused stoned age described my experience a lot better stoned age was scuzzier yeah i mean exactly it was scumbag central that's the people i was with yeah yeah dazed and confused has all these hot chicks wearing like belly shirts and they're like oh, oh, we're going to go to the moon tower.

And it's like, all right, cool. Meanwhile, cut to me. And there's like, you know, an 85-pound eighth grader who's just glad to be indoors. Anyway, so we'd go to house parties. And you would take the ice cube tray outside, pee in it, and then have your buddy, usually the windows over the sink in the kitchen, you have him pass it back in through that window and then you put it in the freezer and you've got piss cubes.

It's fun. One time, I remember Bonzo, I was outside filling the tray because that was my thing. I was drinking more beer. That's why it was your thing? Yeah, I mean, I liked it. I liked the power. You was ready to whiz. It was always Miller time when you were around. Oh for sure it was key light uh so anyway i could fill up any tray i could

fill up a whole ice machine if i had to an ice pizza bucket that's fun but one time i went to hand the tray back in the window through bonzo and uh bonzo like fumbled it and spilled my piss all over his t-shirt oh my god yeah that was a good one it's so it's so gross to imagine like if you are the type the type of person that isn't paying attention to a lot of the little minutia of life, you could totally fill up a cup with some piss cubes and then put some iced tea in there. And then you're like, oh, how is this? How does this taste like an Arnold Palmer? You know?

Oh, yeah. I mean, you don't know Machiavellian tactics until you fill up a stranger's ice cube tray with piss, let it freeze. And then when he comes in the kitchen two hours later you're like hey can i make you a drink man thanks for having us this is such a great party whoa yeah and then you whip him up a beverage and you're like hey it's mountain dew and gin you cool with that and he's like sure am and then you serve him some of your frozen piss in his house oh my god jesus dude that's the second clue you dropped on this episode second clue clue? What was the first clue?

The fucking Nutty Buddies. They're going to find you, man. Yeah, you are deconstructing squirrels and Kit Kats and Nutty Buddies. Yep. You're giving us too many. I have a storage locker in Seattle that they're going to find after my death. I'm just going to send coordinates out and then it's just going to be

a bunch of photos of scared drifters. Those are my trophies, just the Polaroids and then like, you know, a little lock of their dreadlock that I snip off before the hammer connects with the skull. Oh, shit.

That's fun. It's a fun time uh goddamn so it is impossible for me to find a fucking feature to open for lasso on friday i'm gonna lose my mind oh no yeah dude uh everybody's booked everybody's on a festival everybody no one doesn't have a fucking car patrick richardson patrick richardson i asked him and he was like dude i listened to the podcast i know that the show sucked down there and i was like goddamn you and you can give fat dick richardson to come down and do it he's booked everybody's booked everybody in denver crushes and everybody's booked and everybody's the best damn well maybe he also can uh hitchhike or rent a car suck his own dick on this one

how does noah one of the richest kids we know not have a car he has an earring over the steering wheel his parents are uh they make them earn everything you know the only the only thing that he has that connects him to a wealthy parent life is living in a big house but everything else i mean he's got rabbit ears on the old tube tv he's got you know he's got nintendo he's got a Super Nintendo but not a 64. His parents are fucking raising him right. Yeah, he's wearing doll clothes. Every jersey he has, he's had to steal from the mall

because he doesn't get much of an allowance. Yeah, no one's having a tough time. Oh, yeah? Yeah, I don't know. He's going to open for me at ComedyWorks since my best friend refused. Since I'm supposed to do this fucking show with Lasso. Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Your real best friend, Dave Lasso. Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're fucking eating only half a pizza with him. I forgot. I should cancel a show that I've been promoting and you know, trying to make happen. I should cancel a show that I've been promoting and trying to make happen. I should ditch it because that's what you

do, you social climber. It's not like he's flying in for it. Yeah, but it's weird to just be like whoopsie, never mind everybody. There's not going to be a show. That's the dumbest shit. There's going to be a show. Have Wally open for him. Wally has some pretty

killer poems. Yeah, let Wally play one of his sublime covers for a half hour. Oh yeah, he can sing. He has the voice of a little angel. This next one's called Wildfire. This next one's called Dazed and Concussed. This one's called That Time the Goat Bit Back.

No, I understand, man. I mean, just get Evan Johnson to do it. No. Am I leaving that in? Yeah. Okay. What about pysher i don't know i haven't asked every fucking comment i sure can't drive no because of his seizures yeah he had one too recently he can't drive right now hey we're praying for you pysh what about moss moss is featuring for me at comedy works i don't know if moss yeah well so there's there's comics that I I didn't know if they had like a good 20. And then there's comics that are headliners.

So I know they're not really going to want to, you know, dip a toe back into Featureville. And yeah, there's comics that don't have cars. And then there's comics that I don't want to come down here. Comics who can't fit in a car. That's probably Patrick's excuse. Honestly, I can't fit. I'm too big.

Patrick. Patrick talks like that lady who says, I'll never tell. Brittany Murphy. Yeah. That's how six, two, three h pat richardson talks i'm a little guy i'm sorry i put some more breath in that fucking voice little dreamy dreamy teen pat richardson oh then he just says slurs in that voice and you're like whoa this is next level he sounds like how timothy chalamet probably sounds yeah when he's not acting if i knew what he sounded like in my

mind it's p rich yeah he's like i'm timothy chalamet and it's like he's asking a question too every time yeah he has vocal fry and it's inquisitive am i doing your show i guess it is a question the holocaust didn't happen it sounds like you're not sure uh shout out to p rich yeah thanks for uh listening thanks for using my own podcast against me no he was booked he was him and not jezebel he would have he would have come down he would have come down and uh opened a few things if you know what i mean he would have spread them yeah hey patrick richardson let me suck on that little blue dick. Buy your nuts.

Rickshaw, Pat. Patrick's like, I'm coming. Patrick and Noah take a rickshaw down here. Right down the middle of I-25. I want Noah to be driving. Noah's working the steering wheel on the pedals. There's no what? No no no is the one running oh yeah no one's running fucking nose is running because it's so big uh what gross i know it suck it's like get him a hurt him a kerchief i had to beg noah to come

fucking do 10 minutes on my shows i was like do you want to uh do my shows and he's like i'm not sure and i just stewed about it all day and finally on sunday night i was like hey noah just a little word of advice if a headliner asks if you want to do shows just say yes or no yesterday he's like can i call you i feel terrible and i was like guess what you can call me by your name after i make you eat a peach filled with cum another another look into sam's sam psyche peach with cum in it number three yeah that's part of the courting process. He makes you a cocktail and then gives you a peach. And if you eat both, then you're his forever. You're under his control.

He lives inside of you now. It'd be funny to make Patrick Richardson just go out and be me at shows I don't want to do. Like I get booked in Montana, I send Patrick. He's like, so it's me sam i'm a little fudge judge i'm a fudge judge are you yes or no his his uh his little beats and his little songs are fucking cool check them out y'all no don't check out pat he hasn't check out pat he rules he has five instagram accounts he's a big fat guy with a hot girlfriend get over it i hate that that's my thing he's just copying me wear

shorts shorts and a long sleeve on stage hats hats uh hats aplenty yeah i will say i went to a pumpkin patch yesterday oh yeah finally god, finally. God, I love it. God, you saved it for act three of the pod. You want me to open with it? Yeah, we probably should have. No, we open strong with Rickshaw. Rickshaw song. Yeah, we've all figured it out.

The game is for this episode. Sam's a serial killer. Rickshaw song. Patrick Rickardson's a big fat guy. Pizza bucket. Pizza bucket. Yeah bucket, yeah. And I got Ran Barnaclow up here staying with me, and the whole time I ordered pizza buckets, he was like,

what? What's a goddamn pizza bucket? So I'm getting shamed. His name is Ran. Yeah. But yeah, I went to a pumpkin patch yesterday with the fam, came in right off the plane from Portland, the longest flight to Denver besides Miami,

and just drove to meet the old fam up there at Anderson Farms. Had myself a little pulled pork, a little green bean, and then we got on the wagon ride, and God damn it, if there's one thing I love, it's a tractor ride to a pumpkin patch, man. Yeah, that looked nice. I saw a couple videos. They were pissed that i ate so many pumpkins but there's nowhere in the ticket that says it's not all you can eat so i was just

out there i was out there like one of those videos of a hippopotamus getting fed gourds just delay deconstructing layer by layer i went full richardson on those pumpkins and it was awesome. Kit Kat style. That's the trick, man. Dude, we carved pumpkins last weekend and Emily made a bunch of pumpkin seeds and I just proceeded to eat like 12 pumpkins worth of seeds and I was like, oh,

why does my belly hurt? And literally everyone was like, I don't know, maybe it was the pound and a half of gourd innards that you crushed, you ghoul. You fucking man squirrel. Jesus Christ. They didn't get any. You were boxing them out like Rodman. Yeah, exactly. I was in the low pose,

throwing bows. These ones have Old Bay on them. No. I'm Keto. This is all I've got. Yeah, this is all I get, man. They're crunchy. They're're salty let me have them dude last year when we went to the pumpkin patch there was a guy there who was doing a magic show every like every hour on the hour he did a magic show and i was just obsessed with this dude

have we talked about this before no the pumpkin patch magician no we're not going back to that well you're worried that you've talked about it too much no oh it's just like i i always want to know because he clearly he works there for the entire six month or six week run of the pumpkin patch gig and it's like is this a good gig for you or did you like touch a kid when you worked at disneyland and now you can only work the pumpkin patch circuit right yeah no he got demoted for sure he was a rising star and then he up and his pants in front of his opener yeah he literally accidentally saw the kid in half and this was his way out yeah he's yeah he is off of the uh a run yeah and i just wanted to interview him for a podcast i was like these are the kind of performers i want to know like how long did you go to magic school to now be here at the pumpkin patch circuit definitely just like you know probably drinking

sambuca out of a 44 ouncer on stage and he was doing the same bits every time forcing them when they didn't hit like he'd like you know do a bit of crowd work and like when no one answered he would still answer the question as if someone answered him it was really bleak but i was obsessed i watched his act like three times yeah i'm sure he loved that you're just staring at him with your arms crossed non-plus just fucking staring a hole through him like this all sucks you suck and he's and he knows it but you're really driving the point home that he is drowning out there maybe he just thought i was a spy and that you were loving it yeah those pumpkin patches are just filled with undercover agents

dude it's a bunch of guys being like is that a goat or a pig and you're like all right quirky this is happy birthday cork happy 45th yeah like oh that that goat's pink it's like yes it is corco eat some of this eat some of this candy corn oh you don't want an ear to grow on your belly you're a funny magician but yeah the pumpkin patch magician man if we could get him on the pod that'd be big but he wasn't there this year that'd be be a good get. We've had Stan Hope on here.

Next up, Pumpkin Patch Magician. Josh Blue wants to be a guest. We've got to get him. Josh is actually calling in right now. Hold on. Don't do it. Drop that call. Hey, Josh, are you there? Let me patch you through. Oh, Nathan.

Hey, Jake. What's going on, dude? Nice. Young up. God. I mean, I just do it now because I know he listens. Yeah, give him what he wants. Yeah, more of him.

You should at least plug his suckers if you're going to do his voice. Okay. Hey, I got you tasty suckers. They can't be all stick. Don't eat the stick I got tricked before. Is that a goat or a pig? I don't know, Josh. Oh, God.

It's funny to make fun of Olympic athlete slash million dollar comedian Josh Blue. You just butcher him. You sound like you have a massive head wound yeah the slight head wound that he has you sound like he's on like the goat kicked you in the head and then while you're on the ground the pig walked all over you it's like that dream i keep having He's got trampled by the whole farm. Yeah, yeah, ouch. Yeah, but they have all types of goats.

They have a corn maze, which we never do because it's like a mile walk. You could have done it now. Oh, I could have done it, but we had other members of the family who were with us. Well, I'm saying you didn't have one that bori who couldn't do it nothing never mind sophie fills up on corn oh i give fuck hold on what the fuck i unplugged my own dumb ass i'm sorry i was readjusting hear you most of the time so it was yes it was like what happened you got some soup off camera that you just spilled on your dick you just hear me going fuck fuck you're so stupid you're so fucking stupid you have to

eat the peach tonight you stupid fuck no layers for you you're going in the shed you're gonna be in the shed tonight with you hey i'm back guys i unplugged my mic sorry my bad you stupid fucking pig you don't know which one's the goat do you no pumpkin seeds for you tonight no buckets for you shit hold on we gotta figure out what we're gonna be for stick or treat yeah I know it's in what four hours yeah what if I was Bruce Bruce and you were earthquake

giant suit brigade yeah we'll go to los suavesitos on federal and we'll get the giant red suit and you get a giant yellow suit and we'll go up there and quake it out i wish what do you mean you wish it's attainable i'm not gonna i'm not gonna impersonate a black dude. Well, I just see people. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Cosby was different.

You got away with Cosby last year. You know, you didn't do blackface. You wanted to. I stopped you. I had to physically grab your hand. Yeah, you tased me. I had to double leg take down your ass so that you could. You're like, it's my art.

I'm expressing myself. And I was like, don't. First Amendment. I'm a patriot. Cancel culture. 1776. Here I come again, my elitist libtard ass. Fighting the

battles for Sorosrows my puppet master yeah it's funny i mean people do think that like you're like they'll be like oh yeah one's so woke it's like why because he's reasonable what do you guys want there there is such binary thinking from these fucking people where it's like if if you're not one thing, you're definitely the other thing. And you're the caricature of and it's like and I don't think that with with like conservatives, but so many of them have been radicalized to into that like extreme, like the picture of them for liberals is like the thing they hate the most, which is like weak, whiny, constantly, like just fighting whatever battle they're told to fight by like Rachel Maddow. Cut off jeans, flat cap.

Is that what you think? Oh yeah. When I think, when I think Lintard, I think like, you know, a guy with the glasses he doesn't need riding a fixie, flat cap cap just always chewing gum i don't want my breath to stink i'm gonna chew some gum it's like shut up go vote for fucking hillary gum chewing pussy i got something you can chew on eat this peach i i filled up at the altar the other day wearing my john stewart shirt and that Buick and an old guy was shaking his head at me and I couldn't figure out what I was doing for a couple seconds. Then I was like, Oh,

he's disappointed that I like hot rods and logic. You want to think that he was disappointed that you were on the side of the guy who's trying to get money for firefighters in nine 11. Yeah. Yeah. He wants, he wants us to move on. What about veterans that are alive? Apple TV crusade. I think he's he's aware of this Apple TV crusade I think he's just mostly aware of him publicly shaming his hero Bill O'Reilly more like chill O'Reilly

that's what I like to do I like to do Netflix and chill O'Reilly shut up I do, oh I'm sorry swinging a miss oh my bad dude, what does that make me fucking 99 out of 100 now you suck i do not time to time to castigate yourself now oh god okay hold on i'll be right back

whoops i unplugged my mic if you can fit one more fucking hairpin in your urethra god won't be mad at you eat it eat it dickhead that's like albert fish uh yeah i couldn't think of him i kept thinking ed gain oh cool swing and a miss no it's okay you look like you add gained weight. Jesus Christ. But the listeners think Nathan's the soft one. Oh, I know. And it's true. I mean, I'm like tough, man. I'm an old road dog.

I'm like leather. My soul's just like an old fucking catcher's mitt, you know? Well, you know what's funny is... You just snapped like a rubber band over one joke. No, shut up. Whoops, my mic's unplugged. I killed Jake. I'm back, guys.

I'm both a weak little puss who cries when people get misgendered, and I'm about to take a gun up to a clock tower and start picking people off. What is this pastiche of broad strokes they're using to paint me you know dude don't read the comments that's all i gotta

tell you yeah just just cash the checks baby yeah exactly hey uh thanks i'll put on whatever makeup you fucking want as long as the clown gets his money this i'm a character this is uh this is all a facade yeah i mean i'm opening for tim dylan's i'm on both sides of it i'm actually fiscally conservative and uh socially conservative i'm conservative but that doesn't care that doesn't move the needle the only thing you're not conserving is the miracle whip in the jar. Because you're putting it on everything. You're like, oh, cool. This is a tasty salad dressing. This is a tangy zip to it. I wish I could have miracle whip.

I miss miracle whip the most out of anything. Bunch of miracle whip on some turkey and Swiss. Avocado. Miracle whip is a sin. Put some chips on that bitch. Shut up for once in your fucking life life if all you had is miracle whip that's one thing but if you if you if you go back and forth and you have miracle whip now and then as a treat that's when it's good yeah you know i'm not brushing my teeth with it anymore but it's so good you know what i used to do at parties me and me and my crew the the fucking garbage pail kids we would uh we would we'd go

to these rich kids house parties and we would uh take the miracle whip out back and we would empty it out and then we'd all jizz in it you know thick white ropes and we would fill that thing up and then and then we'd go back in and be like it's sandwich time everybody who wants oat who wants wheat who wants white who wants a sourdough roll and we would just start slapping our jizz onto all of these different carbs and we would pile meat high nice fresh tomato making tuna fish sandwiches for everyone oh yeah tuna fish for days you know the dog's getting in on it and uh we're just smiling like cheshire cats because everybody's munching on our dick cheese. Yeah, that's how the peach gag started for me.

That and also my neighbor's dog told me to do it one time. Becker, you don't like Miracle Whip? No, it's terrible. I don't understand. It tastes like mayonnaise that's about to be poisonous. Really? I think it has a sweet little like undercurrent of fun. Yeah, that's not your dad's mayonnaise. Yeah, it's kind of like bad boy mayonnaise, you know, like, oh, lock up your daughter.

It's the miracle whips in town. And I just know I think mayo is way better. Kayvon and I argue about this frequently. This is one of our standing friendship arguments. Yeah, you're like, I like mayonnaise. And he's like, baba ganoush. He starts whipping you with a giant leather cat-o'-nine-tails. Yeah, he takes out his flute,

and all of a sudden a snake pops out of your basket. Oh, God. Go back to the Josh Blue impression. Oh, is that a snake or a rabbit? Josh, finish your mud. No, I love Miracle Whip, man. I think it's cool oh yeah i don't i don't get it it wasn't in the house though so it was something i was introduced to as an adult where it was like no this is suspicious tasting what if we did a blind taste test of all the different mayonnaises and you see if you can tell which one's Miracle Whip. I for sure can.

I know. I started saying it and I realized how stupid that was. Yeah, for sure you can figure it out. Maybe not if you had, if it was on, if you had like three sandwiches and one had Miracle Whip and one had mayonnaise and one had something else that's close. I don't know what the third one would be.

Yeah, the third one would be nothing. It's actually Lundscom. Yeah, it is. I prefer the third one. It's worthier. I mean, over the Miracle Whip, you know i think miracle whip is what american sandwiches are all about you know like if condiments were a song this would be born

in the usa actually critical of u.s policy but people think that it's a patriotic thing about the boys in blue or whatever. You dumb fucks. I'm up here in my ivory lib tower. Yeah. You're just out there listening to Alanis Morissette and the Dixie Chicks. Oh, yeah. I listen to all of the woke scolds and the little vagina having. Truth tellers. It's nice. You vagina havers instead of women

uh that's right yeah people hate that oh god people hate you can't say women anymore because they don't understand how uh a trans man can get pregnant and so it's just trying to be inclusive and then people are like fuck that and then you're critical of like cops or whatever. And they're like, my brother's a cop. And it's like, oh, yeah, I thought you didn't. I didn't give a shit about anything. My brother's a trans cop. I thought you were tough.

They're all tough until you make fun of like the military or 9-11. And then they're like, my flag. Yeah. I mean, I like that you're divisive because everyone agrees with the stuff i say and that's boring you say the first thing that comes into your head and then a bunch of mouth breathers are like he tells it like it is and it's like yeah or you could or you could think more please quit calling our fans mouth breathers i can hear them while they listen i don't know how that's how loudly they mouth breathe i'm surprised you can hear them over they listen. I don't know how. That's how loudly they mouth breathe.

I'm surprised you can hear them over the machine shops they work in. Oh, yeah. All these calloused hands typing out that I'm a puss. That I suck. I want to encourage our fans to keep blasting Lund online. Go crazy. Have at them. Yeah, I'll just take it out on Creech.

It'll be fine. Yeah, just make Creech start wearing pants instead of shorts. Shit rolls downhill. You're just blowing all the Patreon money on makeup so no one can tell that you had a rough night. Did you bet

on the game last night? Yeah. Did you go the over like an idiot i didn't win i would have won my parlay on sunday if it weren't for the fucking panthers shitting the bed but you were like follow me i've got a seven leg parlay that's gonna take us to fucking shiny town and you say shiny town shiny everything's shiny because it's gold and silver and polished chrome well i turned five bucks into like 280 on saturday and i put that whole wad on jalen hertz to score a fucking touchdown and now gordy doesn't have any food

i'm wearing i'm wearing hats as underwear it's really bad around the townhouse. You're having to come in plums instead of peaches. Yeah, well, let's put crows on the tree out back. Yeah. It's not even my come. I'm just stealing samples from Emily's work. Man. When were you at this weekend?

Well, we've got Stick or Treat in Denver, so that's fun. Dave Lasso might be coming to town. He's going to – I'm going to have Mitch Jones make a paper airplane. Lasso's going to climb in, and then he's going to throw it. And then, you know, if Lasso makes it all the way to Trinidad, great. Otherwise, you know, maybe he has to jog for a few miles. Lasso's skinny enough. Just find a pelican and put him in his beak, fly there so yeah that hopefully that show will happen maybe it's just me doing an hour and a half with a gun just pointed at the crowd yeah it's hard now nobody's leaving until

i'm done till i hit my closer uh what else is still coming lily's supposedly coming she can't respond to my facebook messages but she can tell you that she's coming well she uses a light phone to avoid social media because it's a problem for her oh all right well then i feel bad but uh yeah you heard it first libtard cuck nathan lund bullying woman uh yeah maybe it'll be me and lily talking about our favorite books and movies and none of them are the same yeah you guys will have a lot to connect on there's only a 35 year age difference you old bitch i'm just gonna bring up stuff and she's gonna say i don't know what that is and then i will get redder in the face you'll be like so did you ever play mario and she's like what what are you talking about man no way dude good i don't know speaky uh so yeah we're doing

sticker treat in denver saturday and then uh i'm doing lucha libre and laughs i told nick i'll come So, yeah, we're doing Sticker Treat in Denver Saturday. And then I'm doing Lucha Libre in Laughs. I told Nick I'll come up for that. When is that? The November 24th, the night before Thanksgiving. I'm going to be there, too. I know. I'm going to go to that. We'll have a grand old time trying to repair the relationship that we have with the crowd that was fractured

due to Mitch and Christy Bukley filling in last month. Yeah, totally shitting the bed and then thinking it was chocolate and eating it. Jesus Christ. Just kidding. I heard it was a lot of fun, so that's great. No, you didn't. I didn't hear shit. I hear everything.

I got ears all over. I'm everything. I got ears all over. I'm like a fucking cornfield, baby. I have... I'm at Comedy Works on Friday. The... What is that? The... 29th.

This Friday. I'm going to have all of my new best friends opening for me. It'll be great. It'll be cool, man. You know, people who actually care about what I'm trying to do. It'll be cool, dude. I'll be down there. know people who actually care about what i'm trying to do and it'll be cool dude i'll be down there two shows come on out i'm gonna say this on the air and i'll probably be pissed but uh come to that show how's that for a plug i was gonna give out the promo code hey

chubby chasers if you want to come to that show and you only want to pay like 10 bucks hit me up i'll give you the promo code just it's the color of pumpkins if you know what i mean and then we got stick or treat and then wednesday november 3rd i'm in indianapolis opening up for tim dillon and then morgantown west virginia opening for tim dillon and then pittsburgh opening for tim dillon and then washington dc opening for tim dillon come on out it'll be fun shows i don't think i need to plug them because he's doing fine uh But yeah, you know, this podcast is all about having fun and Lund spreading his liberal

agenda. And that's what we do on here. Vaccinate your kids. Cancel God. Don't give your children pronouns. Everybody's a they down here. Ha ha ha.