Chubby Behemoth - Barber-cide

Episode Date: September 2, 2020

The REAL Nasty Nate. 2 barrel shaves. Chat group Mencia's.           Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.    

But yeah, I've had toilets after he used them. It looked like Al Jolson took his face paint off in there. Thanks. You're describing your own bowel movements. Yours are so bad. Remember Paris? You destroyed. You were the worst thing to ever have in a Paris.

Worse than the occupation. Worse than the... All time. Your diet. patient worse than the all time your your diet when you were eating uh sardines left and right yeah that's how i got ready for the day and drinking a bunch i would have coffee sardines and 100 beers every day yeah and then i would eat i had like calf brains one night remember when i had that that cow that cow head yeah Yeah. Ooh, that was good. That was the best thing I ate. Yeah. A whole cow head? No, I wish, man. Jesus. It's not my

birthday. No, it was, they do this thing where they like take all the bones out of a cow's head and then they wrap everything up, like the skin, the head meat, the brain, the tongue, and they wrap it all up into a roll. And you cook that. God damn. Really? I felt like the devil himself. That was Caligula. Very decadent.

Decadent and dangerous. Decorative. Yeah. I decorated the bowl. Yeah, I felt bad for that uh airbnb owner after we left that wasn't even the worst shit that i took in europe dude topper dude italy sicily yeah i ate a bunch of squid ink pasta and it looked like the absence of light it looked like a black hole it It was the dark. I called Emily in.

I'm like, do we have to go home? The Volga River turned black? Yeah. We elected a new pope. Check the bowl. Wait, what does it mean when the river's on fire? It means the pope

is God in human form. Or Sam's Allenson Town. Yeah, that sounds like it would be bad. But you dump pretty bad. Your duration is what's worrisome. I take my time in there. Oh my God, you're burning through data. You'll go through a whole month's plan.

It's crazy how long you turn. It's not crazy. Yes, it is. We've missed trains because you were pooping for so long. I missed my It's not crazy. Yes, it is. Dude, we've missed trains because you were pooping for so long. I missed my daughter's bris.

Got shut down by the health department. Yeah, it was a crime. Yeah, I feel like you've probably... I mean, God, just for the memories I have of stink.

I mean, God, just for the memories I have of stink. I mean, smell is the strongest association to memory. Yeah. And your smells will stay with me for several lifetimes. So I feel like you have a leg up on me. Yeah, when you shut your eyes before you die, you're not going to see anything. You're just going to smell different hotel rooms we've shared after eating white castle oh yeah dude white castle was uh that was so fun we got that crave case yeah and we came up with like a million zingers for like white castle slogans i just sent a couple to you because

it was in my facebook memories yeah that was like four hours of road time. From Brit, Iowa all the way to Chicago, we were just coming up with slogans for White Castle. White Castle for when you're hungry but you don't want food. Yeah, that was a good one. White Castle, help! White Castle, what have I done? White Castle,

you can get buried in the Crave Case. Yeah, the Crave Coffin. For just $4 dollars more why not get the crave coffin we'll bury you in it yeah it comes with a hundred sliders and it's made of balsa wood that's how i want to go out dude when i'm dead just fucking put me in a white castle crave coffin and push me out to sea light it on fire shoot it with flaming arrows from the shore like a white trash viking

yeah that's a good way to go White Castle's great but I only eat it like twice a year I eat it on Bastille Day and I eat it on my wife's birthday so she'll have something to remember me by you introduced me to Crystals which is the southern White castle the uh the little slider

burgers it's white castle with a dark history crystals is uh out of business i think i put them out of business i think they went belly up they went belly in my belly i think they're gone i don't i hope not that would be like saddening news if that was the truth i think i would know i have a google alert set out because it's not only one of my favorite burgers it's also a lot of uh porn stars that i enjoy yeah with a k sure yeah we just bonded at the end of the last episode over our go-to porn star i don't know if i'm glad that we found this out it was like you said it's nice to not share too much about your your uh selfish habits yeah about your shameful secrets well i guess it's not shameful it's gross no one tell me about it

well yeah i certainly don't want to hear other people's faves. Yeah, like this podcast? Turn it off. Two guys talking about their whack packs. Yeah, no thanks. I like to jerk off to Beetlejuice. From Howard Stern or Michael Keaton? Lunn just took his sunglasses off and smelt the earpiece. I like to smell stuff. Yeah, I know.

You're a big smeller. You'll scratch and then sniff. Well, yeah, it smells like strawberries half the time. Yeah, right. Crystal went out of business on January 19th, 2020. What? Crystal's gone. R.I.P. Fuck.

That was before COVID, man. Yeah, it wasn't even COVID. It was just hypertension. It was COPD. It's not the silent killer, because you can hear those guys dragging their oxygen tanks. Yeah, dude, I remembered reading that it was gone. I was like, no, we only had it once in Louisiana, I think. Yeah, we've only had it once, but alone. I've made a lot of solitary sojourns down to crystals.

Yeah, you've been in the South parading around as a truck driver? Yeah, I'm down there carpetbagging, trying to capitalize on Sherman's March. I just told Derek Strupe how much I loved New Orleans. We call it the city. Uh-huh. It was a... We only had one show there in like 2014, but it was so good. It was a good snapshot of that city.

It was just like a bunch of drinking, walking around, music everywhere, everybody trying to have a good time. History in the air, because it's such an old like one of the oldest cities history in the air, blood in the soil yeah yeah, Lund really loved the history he kept reading every plaque he was like, whoa, check out this fun fact

New Orleans is probably one of the only southern cities that has a history that is multicultural instead of just genocidal we had a white guy mayor and then his son took over and then their horse was mayor briefly

that was a progressive time that was a big step forward when old cloppers took over we had peanuts you know, who really cracked down on crime. Hey, guys, you heard about this Congo Square? This is hilarious.

No, New Orleans was cool, and I remember I was, like, really enjoying it, and we were, like, right on the Mississippi hanging out, and you could hear a band playing Zydeco music. And then my now wife Megan called and said that something bitter on the face in the night was like swelling up.

And so she had to go to urgent care. And I'm like falling in love with a new part of the country. Yeah, you've got a po-boy in one hand and my dick in the other. It was, yeah, it really was the worst juxtaposition of like good time bad time yeah oh man i felt so helpless i felt really bad for it because i was like gushing yeah about how wonderful of a time we were having it was like day five of our 22 days out yeah and just man what a good time i was i was really uh loving it and then she's like terrified that she's allergic to something that just

injected her with poison yeah well didn't she like eat a snake isn't that what happened yeah she had snake soup the night before but i don't think that was it. I think it was a spider. She had that fang-filled pillow she was so excited about. Those new boots were not completely done living life. Yeah, that was pretty good. Oh, man. That was a funny time. It was funny because of how awful it was to just feel bad for having a really good time. Because sometimes

Megan has gotten the full picture of going out on the road which is not always New Orleans with your best friends living it up. We were on a four man tour. Bobby and Wayman. Wayman lived there forever. So we really got to see how the white half hangs out.

We did. Wayman was like, hey guys, there's this crazy place down here, it's called Red Robin. It's kind of a locals only hang. Let's check it out. Yeah, now, she knows that it's not always like that,

but she also is rarely face bitten. That's not a reoccurring thing. Right yeah uh so yeah it sucked that those polar opposite experiences lined up at the same time yeah that's what's dangerous by being married to emily is i'll call home and be like oh i had a rough show you know blah blah blah and then she'll be like yeah we lost the mother today. Yeah, you can't compete. No.

Bad day versus bad day. You're like, yeah, nobody liked my mayonnaise bit. Yeah. Somebody called me chubby. She's like a 15-year-old died. Yeah, I watched the life leave her eyes. All right, you win. I'll get you one of these days.

Everything's a competition with you that is what's weird, me and Emily are both hyper competitive with each other for just everything conversations you have to win no, just like Yahtzee Yahtzee's almost torn our marriage apart that's why you hate Yahtzee

Yahtzee's the fucking stupidest game yeah, you nailed it it's so stupid the only things you don't like are things that you're not instantly good at. Oh, what? Good at?

Good at a game that's all luck and no skill? There's zero fucking skill to Yahtzee. Oh, do I take my chance or do I scratch my Yahtzee? That's the whole game. Should I take my ones?

Fuck you. Let's play Cribbage. There is a nice mixture of luck and skill that goes into any good game including Yahtzee. No, most games are based on skill and there's a little bit of luck

to keep it interesting. That's why Checkers sucks because everyone knows how to play the perfect game of Checkers. Alright? But chess has infinite iterations that even the best computers in the world can't learn. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Also, apparently my great-grandpa was a chess or a checkers hustler. That's a thing he did during the fucking Depression. The war? Yeah, he would travel around playing checkers for money. He stayed behind due to his gimp leg? Yeah. Just hustling people in the park.

He got a checkers exemption from the draft because he was so good at it. He'd lose at Parcheesi and then be like, oh, let's make it interesting with, I don't know, checkers? Yeah. That's how dumb and hillbilly that side of the family was for me. It was like, oh, what do you guys excel at? Checkers? A game that's been figured out? A solved puzzle?

Checkers? You keep making me think of Tic-Tac-Toe because I feel like Tic-Tac-Toe is... Because you're an idiot. Well, Tic-Tac-Toe is like figured out where if it isn't a draw, then the person that lost just got hit with something heavy in the head. They just got a softball to the temple. Yeah, that's the only way that a game of tic-tac-toe shouldn't end in a stalemate. Yeah, if you've just been whacked by a shovel, this is the game for you.

Let's raise the stakes. You want to play for money? But you're saying checkers. I haven't played in so long. Yeah, because you're not a baby. Yeah, I moved on. you're not in a convalescent home yeah exactly you're really testing the limits of your brain power with yahtzee i just learned how to play chess i like said no thanks to every friend that ever wanted to teach me yeah i could have learned and i'm the one who doesn't want to play games i'm bad at i had three i had three roommates in college. And I'm the one who doesn't want to play games I'm bad at. I had three roommates in college, sophomore year of college.

Yeah, you stayed in that Russian dorm. Yeah, there were nine of us. Man, the owner of that apartment complex hopefully has so many Lamborghinis. A couple of Dodge Chargers, too. Because there were four of us. There were four to an apartment. There were like 60 apartment units. Four rooms.

And each room was like $800 a month. It was nuts. That was when you were living in Dubai? This was 82. Dubai, 82. No, this was what what, 2002, 2001? Yeah. This woman was making a killing.

This was in Reno? Yeah, Reno, Nevada. So, yeah, Reno, like, how much is she paying, you know, in property taxes or mortgage? Yeah, didn't she get those? It's like bushels of corn. Right, Yeah. And then she's getting, I think maybe it was 400 for each of us. So 1600 for an apartment every month. The smelliest apartment in all of Nevada.

It was wild. You and Horsetooth and Little Filbert. Oh, we were really gross. We would, you know, we would would we were on like the fourth floor or something and there was an elevator but you know we still didn't want to be the one to take out you know four dudes garbage you just throw it off the balcony we would keep it on the balcony until the balcony filled with garbage bags and then we would chuck them off of the the balcony into a dumpster that was only open like a third of the way.

Yeah, the lid was at 25 degrees. It was fucked. You really did, now that I'm thinking about it, you did have to get like a good angle on it. So we're just, you know, they're just exploding down there. Yeah. And we're laughing. And I don't know why we didn't get kicked out.

Did you ever have a roommate who would put their garbage in the freezer during the summer? What? That was a move. Wait, that's kind of smart. No, I'm kidding. Alright. It's the kind of thinking that you do in college, which is just enough to be able to defend it. Right, yeah. Your honor, I object. But yeah, but it would not hold up with any fully actualized person. I had a roommate who would do that. They would, in the summer, instead of walking to the back alley out of our first floor apartment, because they had to keep playing NFL Blitz, the Dreamcast was never turned off,

he would fucking put garbage bags in the freezer. A whole size... How did it fit? He would jam it. Oh. And it would rip open and all of our, you know, chew spitters

and unfinished crusts would just rot in there. You ever open up a freezer and a bunch of flies fly out like you open the Ark of the Covenant? Nope. Yes. That's so rough.

Yeah, dude. I thought we were... One of the grossvenant? Nope. Yes. That's so rough. Yeah, dude. I thought we were, one of the grossest things I remember that one roommate in particular did was a lot of fast food so that we'd have

the little like sweet and sour or like honey barbecue pack, you know, not a packet, the little dipper. Probably all Chick-fil-A

Polynesian sauce because it was a political mess. No, not Chick-fil-A. We were in Reno. I don't think there was any Chick-fil-A Polynesian sauce because it was a political mess. No, not Chick-fil-A. We were in Reno. I don't think there was any Chick-fil-A. It was all like McDonald's, Jack in the Box level of quality. And then you would have the dipper that would be used and then used as an ashtray.

Oh, I've done that. So like ash into the the half filled barbecue sauce and then put the cigarette out in it yeah so then you're smelling like the smoky cigarette barbecue

honey mustard yeah and then just leave that out you know until eventually we so another roommate

one of the that guy would do that and was just like always kind of piling the garbage up. And this wasn't an art installation. No. He wasn't making a statement. No.

This wasn't a senior project. It was just kids, you know, without any parents around to say that you can't do that or else you're out of the house. You're, you know, you're out of the house. So we had one of the other roommates who, like, every couple of months would be like, hey, guys, don't worry about the mess. I'm going to do some meth tonight, and I'm going to clean all of this up. Whoa. So, yeah, he would, like, plan on cleaning.

And he would. He would sparkle the shit out of our whole apartment. But, as you can imagine, there are downsides to living with someone who's doing all of the drugs. Yeah. There's never a light bulb left over. No. He liked all of the different drugs. And that was like... Everyone's state quarter collection has been pawned.

Right, yeah. There were drawbacks. All my Pokemon cards disappeared. He was pretty unpredictable. For the most part, he was fine. Because most days, he was smoking weed, maybe

sprinkle a little Coke on the top of the bowl. Sure, Sherm Thursdays. A little PCP for Thursday night football. But yeah, the meth cleaning was... It was the only drug of his choice that benefited me. Right. And there was only like one night where he...

Well, besides all that insulin that he had. You were stealing a little taste of that. Give me a little. Yeah, I could have tried everything then, but I did not. I was scared. Good call. Yeah, that's good.

I mean, I could have done... It would have been okay if I would have tried Coke when I was in college. Yeah, if you would have snorted a little horse. I don't know if he was

shooting anything. I think that was like the one thing that he wasn't doing was like shooting anything. He did a lot of passes. That's good. More of an assist guy. He was the John Stockton of the crew. Those guys got into it with another like foursome, you know, that lived in the apartment complex. Yeah. One night they ran into each other like in the elevator. I'm thinking like when Elaine gets the new bunch of friends. Yes. Yeah, the other side of the coin.

Kessler's involved. This other crew of dudes ran into my three roommates, and they were like trying to figure out how they knew each other or whatever. It was you. What? Were you the one? Were you the agent? Yeah, but, well, kind of.

They were Lund's real friends, and they started snapping their fingers. whatever it was you and what were you the one were you the yeah but well kind of like we're luns real friends well they started snapping their fingers one of them says oh yeah we live with nasty nate yeah and they were they had they lived with a nasty nate as well they fought each other over who was the real nasty nate so that was the real Nasty Nate. So that was the dumbest shit I ever heard. Did your friends win? I feel like they...

Lost. You quit going by Nasty Nate. Wow. He went by Nastier Nate. Because they won. Yeah, just these two total idiots going by Nasty Nate because everybody named Nate went by Nasty Nate after 96 or whatever. You started going by Nasty Nate because everybody named Nate went by Nasty Nate after 96 or whatever. You started going by Nasty Nate, right? Because I was slamming it.

Yeah. Because you were pulling butt. Yeah, when I found out about that, that was real dumb. Yeah, that's incredibly stupid. Just college dumbness. Yeah, in high school one time. A window was broken in anger. Our window.

And then it was like, you know, who's going to pay for that? I'll just sell some meth. Not the landlady. You know what? I'll do some meth and I'll put this window back together. I'll just shard by shard. Get the vacuum out. I'll piece through it.

You didn't do it with your love of puzzles. I didn't love puzzles then. Puzzles are... I was a little kid and now they're back. Because... Oh yeah, puzzles came back. I've been busy living life in between. No, I will always defend puzzles now because...

You need to put a muzzle on this puzzle defense, alright? I'm talking about puzzles to the day I die. Fuck you. In high school one time... Cut me up into a human puzzle. Emily would love that. She would. A cadaver puzzle?

She would love to dissect you. Is this the front or the butt? Is this the mouth or the anus? It smells the same. And there's Jolly Ranchers stuck to the teeth in both. Oh god, have you ever thought ever thought about you ever seen that movie teeth about vagina den pata yeah oh my god me and uh one of my old girlfriends the first two dates we went on we saw donkey punch on the first day at the sea film center and then we saw teeth on

the second date nice and then we were together for six years so and then you just talked about those two movies for half a decade it worked out it was perfect uh yeah teeth is uh one of my favorite documentaries that's a good one no actually i don't think i saw Teeth. No? You know what I saw? Do you remember Antichrist? Of course. Chaos Reigns. That's a rough one. Yeah. I saw that at the Mayan with the employees, like, you know, the night before it came out.

We had to test screen it, you know, we all watch it. And it was, you know, fucked up, but, like, we're all drinking and smoking weed, so it was, like, it was easier to handle. smoking weed so it was like it was easier to handle and then like a few days later a week later i watched it and uh like in the movie theater with a date with uh chela whoa we've never been wetter we're in the theater she was sliding out of her seat no no i blew it because i knew what was coming yeah and it fucked me up worse than the first time to like know what was around the corner yeah and and it was hot you know in the first time to know what was around the corner. And it was hot in the theater,

so I'm getting uncomfortable. It was hot. It was fucking sexy. Oh, well, that too. But no, man. I had to leave and totally wuss out. No, I was going to pass out because I was fucked up knowing what was coming. So that was a weird date or whatever.

If you haven't seen Antichrist, we're not even going to spoil it. The opening two minutes is a couple fucking full-on penetration from William H. Macy, right? Uh, no. Is it Weird Al Lankovich? Willem Dafoe. Weird Al?

He's all muscly like in UHF when he's Rambo. I always get those guys confused. Yeah, that's an easy mistake right wonderful oh now I want to see Weird Al in the lighthouse

whoa you don't eat my lobster no but the beginning of that movie they're fucking and then their kid falls out a window yeah

yeah the kid gets Eric Clapton while daddy's banging mom yeah and it's like slow motion black and white like very arts mom yeah and it's like slow motion black and white

like very artsy yeah and then yeah so yeah but then it just gets crazier from there like

there's so much more that happens after that a fox says chaos reigns true remember that I saw that movie

in the Mayan with you guessed it Brent Gill and Roger Norglund you're just skiing the whole time. Dude, we were sitting next to each other

and then by the end of the movie we were in separate corners of that fucking theater, dude. It was too much. Yeah, it's very visceral and unsettling. Yeah, a guy gets his dick nailed to a board. I don't want to see this.

You should watch it. You should watch it. Lars von Trier, man. Yeah, Lars von Trier rips. It's a lot. He directed a bunch of great movies. Mighty Ducks 2. Stuck on You.

Shallow Hal. He did all the hits. If you think that it's a Farrelly Brothers movie, it was actually Lars von Trier. LVT. He really peered into the dark corners of the human psyche. Yeah, I haven't

watched a few of his movies since because it's like, oh yeah, it's probably just more of that. Just more awful shit. I don't I haven't watched a few of his movies since because it's like oh yeah it's probably just more of that yeah just more awful shit I don't know

it he Melancholia was very beautiful and unsettling without as much of the like graphic violence

yeah mutilation I remember when Mighty Ducks came out let me pivot away from all this body flagellation. This is the

official podcast of Lars Van Trier fans. Welcome to Trier Window. Triers for fears. When Mighty

Ducks came out I was in like kindergarten or first grade and I saw it. Might have been Mighty Ducks too. And they play

the Icelandic team. Yeah, that's And they were all they were all huge yeah and i remember we had to do like uh you know what race are you that was a fun thing we did in elizabeth running creek elementary he's like what's your what's your uh cultural background how pure is your blood and i lied and said i was from iceland because of that movie because everyone was big from iceland you wanted to look tough and cool yeah it was like that's where huge people would be a bad guy you must be icelandic yeah it was like made up in my head also clay raider who was the cowboy that we've talked about on the pod i remember talking fake spanish to him and him believing it and then him telling the teacher that i spoke spanish and she was like oh that's great

uh sam say some stuff in spanish and i was like you know six years old and she was like all right never mind sit back down finish your paste damn i also in kindergarten we had to for black history month which in elizabeth colorado was a you know black history half day we yeah we had to, for Black History Month, which in Elizabeth, Colorado, was a black history half day. We had to do drawings of Martin Luther King. And every fucking black magic marker ran out. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I remember for the rest of the year, we couldn't use black magic markers.

Because everyone just drew them as the darkest color they could. Yeah. Insane. Insane, the things they put us up to in Elizabeth, in the school system. Yeah. Are teachers, we had zero retention rate for teachers? You had a pig for a principal, is that right? You did, yeah.

Just a giant hoss of a hog. He was stern but fair. I remember, you know, Mr. Scraps, he would come around and finish everyone's apple cores. Give the teacher the apple. The teacher would eat the apple. Throw the core into the principal's inbox. The secretary was a crow. Right.

In the inbox, there's a box that he lived in. Yeah. I remember going to a pig farm when I was a kid. Chris Roberts had a pig farm. Pigs are vicious, and they would walk around and bite you. Yeah. So I remember we got there, and his dad gave us all pig bats just in case the pigs acted up.

You'd smack them with a bat? You'd whack a fucking pig with a bat. Damn. It's like a little, you know, probably six-inch rod of steel. Oh, boy. And you just have to whack a pig with it in case they come at you. They're not smart anymore. No, they're not.

Everyone thinks pigs are so smart. They are until you brain them a couple times. Well, you've got to teach them who's boss. You've got to be held back. Boss hog. Got to repeat third grade. Yeah, Elizabeth, man. Pig farms.

They're cool. Take your kids there. Uh-huh yeah uh i remember when when my family first moved to henderson nevada right next to las vegas when they make you go to a pig farm and that's where you had to do sixth grade i had to do an aptitude test how many how many apple cores can you eat before you get sick i almost said the record no we we thought uh let's go see las vegas or whatever and las vegas zoo was one of the few non-casino attractions i thought it was a brothel so yeah you would think uh yeah just code why do you have to be 18 and up to go to the zoo your dad's like shut up why do you have to be 18 and up to go to the zoo?

Your dad's like, shut up. Why do you have to get tested? Shut up. Put this fake mustache on and shut up. This is Dad's weekend. No, we thought, you know, it's a tourist town. Why wouldn't there be a good zoo? There's a strip club there called The Library.

There is. Yeah. But anyway, go ahead. You can't open any of the books. They're all stuck together. Edit that out. The Las Vegas Zoo was a total bummer. It was just sad.

They had very small enclosures for any of the big game animals. They had just like a suicidal lion and shit. Yeah, the rhino was just a cow with a horn glued to its face. Right, yeah, it was smart. Spray painted gray. All the animals had signs around their necks that said, go gamble. Yeah, the penguins were handing out those strip club cards. Yeah.

handing out those strip club cards yeah that uh dude they got my my grandma and grandpa came to visit and we walked the strip and one of those guys with the nudie cards uh gave you know offered one to my grandpa and he didn't know what it was so he took it and i was walking he was behind me i heard him go oh boy he did not expect that. He thought it was like, you know, the guy's favorite Bible verse or something. We got services Wednesdays and Fridays. It was a coupon for the steakhouse. Nope. The Lord doesn't just listen on Sundays anymore.

The Lord listens at the library. Come down to the office. But yeah, at that Las Vegas Zoo, you could buy like a cup of feed for some of the animals it was just dice from the casino a cup of chips so uh i had this cup and there was a llama and i was like oh i guess i'll try and feed this llama yeah and it fucking like tried to take the whole cup you know wanted to eat all of it and i wanted to make it last you know and have a good time get some free drinks right you're waiting for the cocktailer to come back yeah you can yeah you can't just run through your all your feed and then expect a free

little capri sun you gotta pay to play so yeah uh it like took it from me and i got mad and was and was like trying to get it back and it fucking spit on me like llamas will spit and so it just blasted me and that was like one of the first things we did in Las Vegas that llama spit in your face and a bunch of Japanese

businessmen that's what they paid to see a little fat boy get spit on by an animal very good that was probably the last time I had a shaved head was when I was like 12. That's where they tried to sell you to the pig farm. Dude, the guy, oh God, this is the fucked up episode. We had a barbershop that my dad, brother, and I all went to in Henderson. And it was this old Navy guy and then this, like, not as old...

I think he might have been in... I think they were both in the military, but... Oh, I thought this guy was in the Gap. It was the old Navy guy, the Gap guy. Oh, yeah, this old Navy guy. He saw some shit. Yeah, mostly culottes worn on that. Yeah, cargo shorts just full of PTSD.

Now, this dude was old school, like, you know, tattoo of a mermaid on his forearm. We always got our hair cut by the other guy because he wasn't as insane or whatever. Sure, his hands didn't shake as bad. Yeah, you don't have to worry about bleeding out yeah after getting a high and tight from uh i think our guy's name was mike and the other guy uh i don't remember his name old sid probably yeah one time he's someone sneezed and he cut a kid's ear off dude so uh eventually the the old man isn't there anymore. And we're like, what happened? This guy's wife was in the hospital with, like, terminal cancer.

And he went in with a shotgun, finished the job, and then offed himself. Yes! In the hospital, in the ICU, or whatever the hell. Rock and roll! Fuck, dude. We're like, you know what he said before he did it? A little off the top baby oh god it was

the dark you know and I'm like shaving a haircut two chambers at that point I'm like 15

I'm like 15 and I find this just the heaviest shit you can imagine from your from your lovable neighborhood barber they all

they would watch... They would have the Price is Right on, you know, or whatever. But typically, if the Price is Right was on, all they would do was just shit on anybody, any guy that let his hair grow out

past like a, you know, a two on the sides. They'd just call them hippies or girls, you know, and just be... Just real, uh... Real barber girls, you know, and just be, just real, real heavy, real barber humor, you know. They were nice enough guys, but yeah, what a fucking last hurrah.

Last resort. Suffocation. Oh, man. Barbers are cool. Yeah. I like are cool. Yeah. I like barbers. I wish I had, like, a barber I could turn to, like, kind of a confidant. Like, a barber's kind of like a bartender.

Okay, well, here's a fun story. We definitely didn't cut anything out. Speaking of barbers, yeah. Should I have been cut high and tight? Yeah. Barber of Seville cut my neck. But that's not a bad thing. Welcome to Sweeney Pod, where we talk about barbers and murder.

Damn, that dude was the original, well, not the original, but he pulled a Sweeney Todd. Yeah, he killed his wife. He killed his wife, man. Well, she was probably a real bitch. Anyway, I wonder if that's the What if that's the thing? What's the thing? He couldn't see her dying naturally? I don't know.

I don't know what the thing is. I'm just looking for a thing. Oh, okay. Anyway, here's a story. A zoo story about being a child at the zoo. Oh, yeah, you got a good one. I do. Well, this isn't even that story.

Oh, okay. This was, we went to the, you know, Denver Zoo right when they got Klondike and Snow. Those were, Klondike and Snow, you remember. Remember these two polar bear cubs? They were pretty much what defined culture in Colorado for two years. Everyone had a Klondike

and Snow hat and a t-shirt and they renamed the Spanish Peaks Klondike and Snow for two months. But we went there to see Klondike and Snow and the line was too long. So we couldn't even see these fucking cubs. So we were feeding giraffes out of the cup. And there was this kid who was taller than everyone. And he got a really cool hat.

He had a hat that he loved. He was bragging about this hat non-stop. And it was like hat day. Hat day every day. Every day was hat day He had the mayor of Elizabeth Designate his head as cool as hat Anyway The giraffe came down and took his hat off

And My friend's dad Made fun of him for the rest of the day My friend's dad shit on this kid Hey hatless what's up where's your hat Hey is it cold up there friend's dad made fun of him for the rest of the day my friend's dad shit on this kid you know hey hatless what's up where's your hat hey is it cold up there just leaned on it yeah and then for like the rest of this kid's time in elizabeth people always remember the hat story that scar that like was imprinted on him i remember being in high school and people would be like, hey Ben, where's your hat? Damn. It was crazy. What a boring

town. That dominated this kid's life. There's nothing else he could do. Well, that was like the only wholesome nickname anyone had. It was like the Regal's dad shot their mom. And then it was like, hey, where's your mom?

There's all... You know, Evan Behe got diddled. And it was like, hey Behe, you want some Starbursts? This was a fun story. Right, so everybody leaned on it pretty hard. Yeah, yeah. Another fun field trip story, my dad was the chaperone when we went to the Denver Art Museum.

And we had these pins to let everyone know that you were on a field trip that said D.A.M. And my dad the whole time was like hey don't forget your damn pins. Hey where's your damn pin? Alright I'm wearing my damn pin. Where's your damn pin? Legend. Legend. Everyone loved my dad from then on.

My grandpa pulled that shit at that weak sauce at Hoover Dam when they visited. Oh, nice. Yeah. And I didn't see it coming because I didn't see the sign that said Dam Store or whatever, Hoover Dam Store. Yeah.

And he was like, let's go to the Dam Store. Right. And I was like, oh, God, Grandpa's drinking again. I thought he was pissed. Oh, my dad, it was real. He was drinking. He was drinking. He was drinking that stuff that's in the barber's can, the blue

looking one. Barbicide. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they called it when he killed his wife. Her name was Barb. Double, yeah. There was something lost in it to say it was a barber or barbicide, but it was a murder

suicide. Yeah. It was a play on words, but. And it was blue, alright. It definitely went blue. Blew his head off. Suicide by chop. He didn't have sideburns after that. They hated sideburns real bad.

He had gunpowder burns. They did not like sideburns. They didn't like any kind of a quaff. So another thing about barbers. Tiki Barber, Rondé. Yeah, if you had to pick, you've got to go with Rondé, right? Defense wins championships. I'll go with Tiki.

Better commentator. He's got a man who can talk. I want a dude who can shoot a promo after he intercepts. We got Lucha Libre and Laughs tonight and tomorrow. I'm still barely holding it together. We are doing shows indoors. Yeah. Hopefully, responsibly.

50 people in a place that seats 650. Seems like one of the only ways to do it. Seems like a complete waste of time. Seems completely unnecessary. Yeah. Who's clamoring for independent wrestling right now? Well, I can think of a guy. Nick Gossard?

Well, no. I was thinking of one of the super fans that, when posting about how excited he was for the shows, put the word virus in quotation marks as if to imply that it wasn't real. Right. So that was fun. It's like, oh, I'm glad we can entertain this guy who is about to call it a plandemic. Well, he uses his rat tail as a mask. to call it a plandemic.

Well, he uses his rat tail as a mask. He's immune to most airborne diseases because of his cloud of just unwashed odors. He's an airborne toxic event himself. Yeah, we're going to go entertain a bunch of sleeveless truthers out there. A bunch of people who want to see wrestling and Obama's birth certificate.

That's the thing. Those are the things they demand to see during this trying time in American history. Nay, world history. I definitely don't want to be lumped in with the comics that feel like they have to defend their decision to perform indoors by making it sound like some higher calling. People need to laugh, man. Yeah, yeah. we're not doing that no it's more we don't believe in the virus i'm tired of pretending like this thing's real it's just like aids in the 80s it's all made up by the government it's a false flag yeah

uh yeah i knew what was coming I shot it down preemptively you're a thought criminal I did not so we I'm not a thought criminal we are not that that side of like

oh I have to make it sound like I'm hearing AIDS with my comedy. Yeah. It's more just like, we're all trying to like get away with little bits of, we're all trying to get away with it. Yeah, we're getting away with it. But,

it's more just like, I feel like it's crazy for anybody to be in a crowd but for a performer it's not that risky right like me and you have been in each other's little circle of you know people that we see now and then

so we're and we're going to be separated from the crowd and the wrestlers you mean segregated yeah that's what's coming back and we're going to be separated from the crowd and the wrestlers. You mean segregated. Yeah. Yeah. That's what's coming back. It's us in one seating position and then all the juggalos are in the rest.

Thanks COVID. Yeah. Bringing back. Yeah. Bringing back different sections. No, uh, I think,

uh, and, and obviously the, the, the, the Oriental theater is going to make everything as, as safe as it can be. Except for their name.

They need to work on that. They don't. We've joked about that for so long, but that was just a thing that happened with old theaters where they were named, like American theaters, movie theaters were named after exotic or, you know, just other places the Mayan Incan don't

that was a thing I also don't think they're they're trying to call it the O so that's fine this has been a tough one. All the thought cracks flying around the room. One can read my brain, and it's all redacted. We're getting good.

We're saving time. Just preemptively stopping short. Yeah, you're stopping short and grabbing my tit. Classic. Oh yeah, I miss performing, but also it's like I'm not going to fucking go risk it all

for the pittance we get paid. Yeah, any time that we perform, it should be kind of, not calculated, but it just should be now and then or something. Great movie. Christina Ricci, young Christina Ricci. Oh, sure.

And Rosie O'Donnell. She was real young, I think, so you should probably settle. You were the same age as her. I was the same age, too. But yeah, so that gets weird. Can we talk about her then? We were the same age. Can we yeah, so that gets weird. Can we talk about her then? We were the same age. Can we talk about her now when she was then?

We now can't talk about her then like it was cool because it's not cool anymore. But us then could talk about her then. Yes. Yeah. She was a hot little girl. She was very pretty. She always has been. She always kind of had was a hot little girl. I know. She was very pretty. Yeah. She always has been.

She always kind of had like a come hither. Kind of like she was like a mystery I wanted to solve. She was talking to you through the TV. I was like the son of Sam. She was telling me to kill my parents. Yeah, and then we can be together. Yeah. All you have to do is kill George H.W. Bush. And then we can finally be one.

All you have to do is kill the lead singer of Bush. Gavin Newsom. Gavin Rossdale. You're getting political. Who's Gavin Newsom? The governor of California. Oh, yeah. yeah or wait i'd rather kill him yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say he's the mayor of la but that's car kitty car kitty people i think he was the mayor of san francisco and then now he's the governor nice cool well we got to the bottom

of that uh you were you were lusting over christina ricci i was lusting over Christina Ricci I was lusting over Stanley Tucci we're five years apart Stanley Tucci split them wide open oh yeah I was all about it what the hell were we even talking about oh I don't know we're just having fun Ricci now and then you were jerking off to Ricci

I was jerking off to O'Donnell I was getting up there. I was older than you. We're from two different generations. We are, yeah. You're from a generation where they had separate water fountains. I'm from a generation that's trying to bring that back. No, here's another thing.

That's gone. No, it's not! Let's call this episode, That's Gone. If you guys want to send us ten bucks. Did you hear about that Reds announcer, the baseball announcer? Oh, yeah. That was wild. What is he doing?

What happened? He just, just like two days ago, three days ago, he was calling a game. Reds versus Royals. Yeah. The over was nine. He thought, oh boy. He thought that they were like in a commercial break or something. So he was like talking to somebody on staff.

And his mic was still hot. And he, like they don't know what, where he was still hot. And he... They don't know where he was referring to. But he called a city the F word capital of the world. The Gaysler. And... Yeah. He was talking about smoking cigarettes in Minneapolis. Yeah.

It was an English guy. Yeah. His impression of a guy from London talking about a bundle of sticks. But no, he said that and then had to keep calling the game. And then there was like this huge uproar on Twitter, you know, immediately. And it was a doubleheader. So then like during the second game, he had to address it. And so he like apologized.

And while he was apologizing a guy whacked a home run yeah so he was like you know i'm a man of god and i've always stood for all creeds and and people and sexual preferences long fly ball that one's out of here and look if you're out of the closet that's fine okay much like that ball be free from the parameters of the field you're playing on yeah it was it was pretty funny though the juxtaposition of this very uh sincere well sincere but he stepped in it like so he's trying to like do damage control so it was not a false And he fucking, oh man, like why call the home run? You know, like, I guess because he was concerned about the radio listeners. Yeah.

Like, they heard the crack of the bat. And that home run means that... I'm out of here. Everyone gets free Taco Bell. Taco Bell. That means, of course, tomorrow White Castle is giving away three sliders. Speaking of sliders. Anyway, I will confer with my community and try to be better. This is like a 60-year-old man who's trying to make it sound like he doesn't say that every other day. Yeah.

Like, you're done, dude. And he was saying like i don't know if i'll be able to put on the the headphones for the reds again no of course you're not marge shot isn't the owner anymore so you're fucked if she was he would have got a raise he would have been yeah he would have been okay yeah he would have gotten a bonus for the day for spicing it up but yeah what a it was so stupid that he fucking called that home run yeah wow big dinger yeah yeah it was pretty good that was great great television right there nice job moron yep and his dad tried to say that he was like that wasn't him or whatever

it's like come on you got to be even worse than him you're 104 wasn't him or whatever. It's like, come on. You've got to be even worse than him. You're 104. He's 82 or whatever. Yeah. Just two old guys trying to be like, oh, yeah, no, we would never. Well, it was also crazy because the over-under on runs was nine. The over-under on slurs was two.

And I bet the over because it was a Reds-Royals game and he only dropped one. So a lot of money was lost that day. A lot of money. I don't know how many homosexual fans the Cincinnati Reds have, but if you're out there, God bless you. Put your bat in any dugout. It's all good. Yeah, get some tar on that thing.

Yeah, put a couple donuts on it. That way when you get on the plate, you can really get a hold of the ball. Let your false flag fly. Okay. Alright. Yeah, that was pretty perfect, I would say. Just in the

worst way. Yeah. I would have rather it not happened. I don't like that kind of humor, but if I did, I probably would have sent that link to a lot of people that day. Well, again,

it was just funny that he decided to continue to do his job after, as he was like losing his job. Yeah. Like,

it was a real Brockmire moment. Have you watched that? I've only seen a couple. Of course I've watched it, brother! I love that. It's good, right? It's great! I guess. It's Stanley Tucci at his best. I was gonna say, it's Hank Azaria

who has said a lot of stuff as Apu that he probably regrets. Yeah, I'm sure he's really bummed out when he's swimming in his lake of gold. Thank you, come again. Come again? I'm sure he's really bummed out when he's swimming in his lake of gold. Yeah. Thank you, come again. Come again?

The deaf guy trying to get jizzed on. Thank you, come again. All over my face and neck. So, the Nuggets are losing. Okay. As we're speaking right now. Let's get in the sports section of the pod. Well, I'm just letting you guys know, if you're out there, if you're a sports gambler like me,

good luck. This is going to come out in like three weeks. Nuggets are up in the second quarter. Reds, down and out. Yeah, their team's revenue is down for the entire quarter. Looking to bring Harry Carey back to life so that they can... They should get that hologram going.

Yeah. Yeah, and I think that that guy should commit Harry Carey after saying that slur. Yeah, what a terrible, terrible old piece of shit. Yeah, I mean, everyone knows we're going to say that.

Wait for the cameras to go off. Solid. No, I'm kidding. You know, here's something that's been pissing me off oh all right shit if we're gonna shoot straight let's hear it i'm gonna group chat all right on facebook with uh it's about magic the gathering and the stock market so it's four of my oldest friends and then this other dork all right and they're all we're all dorks you So it's four of my oldest friends and then this other dork. All right. And they're all, we're all dorks, you know, it's fine. But there's a guy in this group chat who everyone is heralding as hilarious. Wow. That's a really funny thing you just said. Oh, great point, man. LOL. He's stealing all these jokes from podcasts that I listen to as well. Oh, shit. He is joke-fibbing.

It's stolen valor. Stolen humor. Right in the goddamn group chat. And I want to call him on it, but this is pretty much all he has. And I'm pretty sure he'd kill himself if he was outed as a joke theft. But he's stealing bits from Cumtown. He's stealing bits from Legion of Skanks what a weird

he's dropping dates non-comedian? that makes it a little less he's a non-comic it still sucks though he's doing bits that aren't his and people are applauding him now he's the funny guy in the group chat

I used to be the funny guy I'd send great gifs and memes and stuff, as you know I'm the g funny guy in the group chat. I used to be the funny guy. Yeah. You know, I'd send great GIFs and memes and stuff. As you know, I'm the GIF guy in the group. Uh-huh. That's what I do in our group chat that we're in. And I am fucking... You've got the GIF of Gap. I've got the GIF of GIF.

And I'm fucking furious. You're a GIF wizard. I am, yeah. Choosy moms choose my GIFs. If they want their kids to laugh. Yeah. Should I call him out on it? Should I out him

for being such a scoundrel? Aren't you outing him right now? I don't think he listens. You're saying in the group chat. Yeah. I don't know. Today I saw a guy on Twitter do a joke about like,

oh, I don't want to adopt the highway. Or I don't want to adopt. I'd rather have a biological highway. And I didn about like, oh, I don't want to adopt the highway. Or I don't want to adopt. I'd rather have a biological highway. And I didn't like it because it's a Zach Galifianakis joke from like 2011. And I'm sure it was an Emo Phillips joke before that. Yeah. Before that. Well, and that, so I ended up posting a link to like quotes.net that had the Zach attribution.

It was on Live at the purple onion and so i remember that special and that joke well so i shared it thinking like i was kind of righteous or like not really judging but just kind of pointing out like hey meanwhile the tweet already had like 3 000 likes and everybody's like this is great wow that that part kind of annoyed me like, hey, so I wanted to be like, hey, so you know, it's not like you were the first person to come up with this, you know, pluck this fucking gem out of the earth. Yeah, but your reply is buried in an offer from SNL. Yeah, Michael's DMing.

Yeah, to replace Ellen. So yeah, I only left up my reply for like five minutes and i got rid of it so you're suffering in silence well because i didn't know if it was what's the point of it so i don't know because obviously uh there's there is uh justification in a lot of comics minds to call shit out um but then it's like, if they don't know the original thing and it's been almost a decade, I don't even know,

like, it doesn't matter. It's not like I needed to cancel that person. Yeah, but this group chat, Mencia, these aren't old bits. Right.

Alright? These are bits from the episode that just came out. Right. And he's working them into group chat conversation That's why. Where someone will be like,

oh, we should buy Tesla. And he's like, a chargeable car. And then he just does a fucking Nick Mullen bit. You know? But you know it. Yeah, I know it.

Yeah, I would. I feel like you, maybe you say something to this person separately so that you don't embarrass them. I want to shame him. In,

not publicly, privately, in the private chat. But in the group. I want everyone to know this guy's not that funny. Yeah, get him. Yeah, I want to get his ass, dude.

I'd say that makes sense. Yeah. To end it so that it doesn't just keep on being funny. But if I end it, he might end it for real. No. Yeah, he might fucking be the barber of Seville. Give himself a final haircut. A little off the top.

Yeah. A little off the bottom. The chin. little off the bottom. A little off the chin. Just Kobani-axe gone wild. Yeah, I think for your mental health, you need to end it. To put a stop to it. Also, he's in there talking about painting Warhammer figurines. This isn't about Warhammer figurines. So either he's stealing bits, or he's posting photos of wizards he's in there talking about painting Warhammer figurines. This isn't about Warhammer figurines. So either he's stealing bits or he's posting photos of wizards he's painted.

It's like, dude, this is not what we're doing in here. So yeah, you need to... Maybe I'll settle it one-on-one. It's him or you. Yeah. Somebody's got to go. Maybe I'll fucking go to his house and torture him. That sounds reasonable.

Right? Just go there with a car battery and a couple of jumper cables. Just shock his nips off? Yeah. That might be a little much. Which Louis special did you get that from? Blast his ass? Yeah.

He's like, oh, man, I've got to get out of the group chat. My wife said, you know, take my wife, please. And you have to bite your tongue. He sent us a video of him humping a stool. And everyone's like, wow, this is great. This is really good new stuff. Hey, check this out. I'm so horny over here in quarantine.

Yeah, he's like, well, have you ever thought that there's black people? And I'm like, chill. No. I just leave the group chat yeah i would say uh in the long run for both of you it's better to to talk that out and correct the behavior he's a friend of a friend we're not even really tight. Oh, shit. I thought you guys were all tight. No, I'm tight with the majority of these people. One, two, three guys. Yeah. Eesh.

Nah. Everybody knows that it sucks to try to pass anything off as your own when it's not. Because it's so easy to reference what you're referring to. It's one thing if you're in there quoting Family Guy. All right? That's cool. Maybe you drop a couple old school lines. Do the Cartman voice. Do Cartman voice. Via group chat.

Yeah. Uh-huh. But dude, I can't let this stand. This is an aggression against my people and my art form. Yeah. I would say nip it in the bud. Get rid of it before it's too late. So you're saying cut his pregnant wife's baby out of her stomach? Nip it in the bud. Get rid of it before it's too late. So you're saying, uh, cut his pregnant wife's baby out of her stomach?

Nip it in the bud? I'm saying, uh, Nip it in the bud's wire. Start a fire in, in his garden. And if it, if it spreads to the house,

so be it. That's God's will. God damn it. Yeah, anyway, that's just been fucking, that's been scalding my cream. All right.

That's a sunburn on my toesies right there that's a wet sock on my foot you can't let it continue and maybe there's a way you can call it out without just like blasting him like hey where's your hat you know don't make him don't uh just like drive him insane well also also there's the issue of then people know that i listen to come town i don't know if i want that out there well how about this okay wait until i don't know maybe a couple weeks after this episode comes out if this person gets mad at you tries to call you out for listening to come down you can call this person out for listening to chubby behemoth yeah and then you're at a stalemate or maybe i just start stealing jokes from the podcast and for listening to Come Town, you can call this person out for listening to Chubby Behemoth. Yeah. And then you're at a stalemate.

Or maybe I just start stealing jokes from the podcast and do it before him. Oh, shit. That'd be great. Wait a minute, because then he can't call you out

but you're beating him. That's the move. That's 3D chess. That's, yeah, that's puppet master shit. Uh-huh. That's playing God. I'm pulling the strings.

You're pulling your pug. I create reality. You can scald his cream and, yeah. And then, ideally, this person just fades away. Yeah, turns to dust. A pillar of salt. He just pivots and, you know, just is doing the Warhammer figures in solitude. What if he starts doing jokes from our pod?

Well, that'd be cool. That'd be cool. Get the word out. Yeah. But he doesn't admit what he's stealing from. This guy needs to be stopped. Yeah, I would say do the one-upsmanship. Yeah.

And beat him to the punch. I'm going to beat him. And then, yeah, he can't. Then you're winning. It's like winning the war without firing a shot. Fighting the war in your mind. And winning their hearts and souls. That's some thought criminal shit, which you know I'm about.

I am too, dude. You got the tattoo. That's your least repulsive tattoo we just heard a toilet flush yeah i've been going to the bathroom this whole time we had to we had to do this episode on the toilet i had two french presses this morning so really it was the only way we were going to be able to record and you had already driven down from fort collins so uh i like going to be able to record, and you had already driven down from Fort Collins. I like that you're able to go with the flow. Paint it black is what I say, whether it's a toilet or... After I had all that squid ink pasta in Italy, that bowl...

You painted it. You were a rolling stone. God damn. I saw a white toilet, and I needed to paint it black. A lot of people are whitewashing history i was blackwashing it i got black ball in it yeah better than blue ball in it