Chubby Behemoth - Beehive Of Honking

Episode Date: December 24, 2022

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Chasing A Kite. Commander In Queef. Dump Updates.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Oh, good. Sam doesn't have a shirt on for some reason. What the fuck? Hello, everyone. Oh, you Americans and your fear of nudity. This is just what a male form looks like. It's as beautiful as a sunset or a sunrise. No, it sucks. No, it's good. Look at my body.

Sunset sounds hairy. That sounds like you're making clothes. Look at my body. look at my body sunset sounds you know we're making clothes look at my body listen to my body that's right that's what a man's body sounds like different parts of it listen to that part you hear that part did you shower are you warm listen to that part hold Did you shower? Are you warm? Listen to that part. Hold on. That's weird. Sounds cupped.

Echoed. That probably peaked out the volume over there, huh, Becker? A little bit. Yeah, Becker, you're really sweating. You're on the ones and twos. I know how you produce. Yeah. A moderator for Zoom is going to get an email saying

you should probably monitor this call there's weird slapping going on the cia is rock hard watching this one uh what time is it over there it is 12 30 a.m 12, or as we call it over here, just 33. Oh, yeah, the zero, the zero hour. That's right. Is everybody sleeping? Do you have to whisper? Do you have to slap softly?

My dad's downstairs doing his fantasy football lineups for the 15th hour in a row. And Sophie and Mel are probably eating chocolate-dipped strawberries off of each other. Out of each other's holes. Yeah. Meanwhile, I'm on this prison cot. This is the fucking worst thing I've ever slept on. You got relegated to the cot? Yeah, because Sophie and Mel need their own room so they can, you know, go on a hole patrol or whatever they're up to in there.

That's not chocolate, Sophie. I'm sorry. She'll still eat it. She doesn't care my dad sleeps above me so that's fun three floors no we're like a weird bunk bed long bed situation bunk cop yeah so i just wake up to well he's actually waking up to me farting and then he tries to sneak down the the weird wooden ladder and i wake up every morning to just this weird sasquatch alien man in his underwear being like did i wake you up the first thing i hear every morning oh my god did i wake you i'm so sorry

like when we were uh at hikers for mary and kevin's wedding yeah that was the squeakiest shit there was no way i could be like chill about it well i wanted to be up there but you wouldn't let me i literally got relegated to the bottom because my sister was afraid i was gonna squish my dad you never want top you're always scared no i'm not scared yes you are you literally say i'm scared of the top you have to go up there and I'm scared of the top. You have to go up there. And I'm like, fine, I'm an adult.

And then I'm a little scared, but I get up there. Yeah, it's fun. It's like watching a wallaby climb up a coconut tree. I wish me or Duddy could go down the stairs head first so that it could really freak you out. Oh, God, that'd be so bad. If either of us had the arm and core strength to just go yeah if you guys hands first parkoured the stairs if my dad came slithering down the wooden stairwell oh my god yeah i would i would make some chocolate of my own it would be australia round two over here chocolate covered chocolate yeah the old parisian double dip chocolate cover

banana i'd be lucky if it was banana with all the food i've been eating over here i'd love to banana one i'd love to peel my own ass i'd love to fucking make a plantain but no has it been a cube yeah it's it's it looks like dna it's all interwoven so we're in this airbnb in paris and there's one toilet and after anyone goes in the damn toilet room sophie comes downstairs or is sitting in the living room or in the kitchen and she just goes oh my god she announces it to everyone that someone just used the bathroom this just out poop out of sam's butt yeah every time every person she's going live every time yeah she's got hundreds of thousands of Twitch followers for the poop updates.

Yeah, I just hear the donations ringing in. I'm like, fuck. People are giving her presents. Yeah. I think I talked about when I did Daniel Reskin's Twitch. Like, it's insane to have that much shit going on. Oh, here's a diamond. Oh, here's a little present.

Here's four wish bucks like it is the screen is covered like a parody of itself with like different chimes and thingies and clout clout dings whatever the i've never spent any time on twitch it's a it's a scene it's a whole scene man it's a wild scene it is it is adhd on a screen oh man so yeah sophie's dump updates have been it's it's just breaking news everywhere i wake up i wake up to a duddy and then i try to go back to bed then 10 minutes later i hear sophie go jesus christ so dad what have you done in there? He's like, you know what I did. You know exactly what I did. I don't. Speaking of Jesus Christ, I got little George Mikey here.

My own personal Jesus. It's the mic, man. He came in through the cat door. Where are we right now? We are in Aurora. I don't think it's Parker. I think it's Aurora, Colorado. What are your cross streets?

Oh, it's the suburbs. The what are your cross streets oh it's the suburbs the suburbs are insane out here it's like we passed dave navarro drive and tempe uh tempe lane tempe nasa tempe improv this weekend the situation mike sorrentino. Pretends like he doesn't know his name. Knows his name. E470 and Quincy. Oh, yeah. You're in the old stomp ground. We took E470 so I could pod.

Sorry, I'm a little bit late. I apologize. There's a little snow on the ground for the last hour of our journey. Mostly smooth sailing. It was crazy to just look at the temperature on the on the dashboard it was like three four eight zero negative two it's supposed to be negative 50 with windshield in denver right now maybe well that's that's in denver aurora is probably 35 minutes or 35 degrees warmer due to all the halal restaurants due to all the power plants yeah uh yeah i don't

know denver and then wyoming and montana are like even crazier it's like negative 200 everybody's dead north yeah north of laramie north dakota no survivors yeah it's just wiped survivors wiped 4 000 people in wyoming gone just blown away meanwhile i'm in paris walking around in a thong what is the is it nice it's gotta be chilly right it's 56 degrees and cloudy right now here in ontario damn justin's computer says negative six. That's 56 degrees centigrade too so it's actually 104 degrees normal. 104 degrees World War II victory. Wherever you are, you're either getting frozen and your organs are just stopping on a dime or you're

getting baked into the concrete there is no in between mother nature is having her way with us yeah she really is we're just getting deep heat on both sides wind and snow i'm getting spit roasted over here yeah fucking south dakota's bent over and bleeding getting Minneapolis is getting filled. I mean, my flight was canceled, so hey, if you're in Detroit, sorry I couldn't make it to that show. Oh, what a dick. You know, come on. Detroit's trying to get back on its feet, and then you cancel on them.

Yeah, I just tabletopped its ass. It was me and Mother Nature. I high-loaded dipshit city you said hey look over here and did a little dance and mother nature pantsed the entire town i was like holy shit is that barry sanders and they went to look i just gave him a wet willy and my finger got frozen inside their chasm cecil cecil fielder walked by and said you dropped your pocket detroit and they looked at their pocket and looked at the ground. And he was like, is that a fart noise?

No, it was like a stifled laugh. Oh, okay. Cecil Fielder had to bend over and then fart in their face. You'll drive by pink guy. He dropped a penny and said, hey, you dropped something. And they went to pick it up. And then, yeah. If you drop a penny in detroit there's a hundred people who dive on it you better kick it to windsor before you pick it up or else you're gonna get corn cobbed my mom and dad got into

canada just because they pretended to be old and retarded what do you mean they have to show papers no papers no papers they just acted like they were chasing chasing a kite yeah during emily's dad's funeral they were up here and they were trying to kill some time and instead of going to the funeral yeah yeah they had to kill exactly two and a half hours i gotta take a call my mom was like yeah i don't need to see this seen plenty of dead bodies in my day yeah my mom knows a lot of corpses but yeah they just they just drove into fucking canada and my dad was like all right betsy you know the act they got up there my mom was like my dad was like she does that when she can't go into canada and they were like all right

i didn't hear you too whoa yeah have a good time have a good time brakes on the left gas is on the right keep it moving it's good it's fun to laugh again have you guys been stressed i know it's got to be tough no just uh you know we were in germany for four days so no laughing over there no literally i literally saw a kid on the train someone came on playing a trumpet on the berlin like metro and he was playing like you know christmas carols on a trumpet and as soon as he went into it a kid looked up confused and looked around he didn't know what the fuck music was what is that song it sounds it sounds like it sounds like candy tastes what is that his care is his parents were like no don't look you know don't engage

don't look don't listen earplugs think of your favorite fur you left berlin because it was cold there it was very cold there and my dad was walking around without a jacket and then he got to paris and he's like i'm sick it's like no shit dip wad no shit fork dick of course you're sick i don't need a jacket i've got duddy power you sniff him yeah he was sick he had to sleep like all day yesterday he's like i'm out i'm tapping out on this one kids get out there and win one for the dudder je m'appelle Duddy D-N-R D-N-R

no actually yesterday it was the day before yesterday we went to the top of the Eiffel Tower not overrated not overrated? not overrated Becker did you ask if we flew into it? I asked if you flapped at the top of the tower i know they they searched me they listened to the pod of security well i remember when we were there

i'm pretty sure that you led the charge of we it's a waste waste of time we shouldn't go up there so i'm glad that you got to experience it i was like jay sweet who cares je m'appelle yawn.com jaune yawn de gaul well here's the thing lund if you think that i'm a cruel task master when it comes to vacation did you forget who i'm traveling you're you're with the commander yeah commander and queef hey count it i'm taking my shirt off do it no come on a little warm in here but uh you know i'm at my brother-in-law's house yeah if he comes in he's like what are you doing just talking to my friends with my shirt off why do you have a swa flapping from my monitor? From my gaming computer.

He comes in your shirtless. George Michael's licking your hog. He's like, what are you doing? You're like paying the rent. Get out. Yeah. Keeping your sister in bras. I'm on.

Shut up. I'm on Twitch. Yeah. I'm blowing up. Keeping your sister's big ones warm. All right. My chest looks like this. So hers can look like that. yeah i'm blowing up keeping your sister's big ones warm all right my chest looks like this so hers can look like that and you just slap it a lot that was pretty good hold on no shirt

there's nothing i'm not hearing anything filtering all out ah what the hell microphone yeah you need to get one of these special body slapping microphones that i have i didn't know for this i don't know i was sacrificing slap quality that's why you get the yeti blue so you can play the different parts of your body live on twitch talk for two seconds so becker lund is what's known as pausing yeah he has to poop becker becker why is your mic so bad what my mic sounds bad too you guys both sound not great but you sound good i think i'll be able to clean it up maybe it's because because I'm in Paris. What? Okay. You ever think about that?

We all sound a little off, but it's fine. You sound a little weird to me. I figured it was you. Becker sounds weird as hell, right? Yeah. Becker sounds like he dug up Toad and ate him. You sound good. I sound great. Becker sounds like shit. I figured he just hadn't cleared his throat in three days.

I think Becker's mic isn't plugged in. He's too high to know. No, it's plugged in. Nice. The best in the business, Jake Becker. He's talking into the wrong end. He's got a can of green beans

up to his head. He's not even using his computer. His microwave is open. I don't have a microwave i can't be trusted with one oh yeah we didn't we didn't have one for a long time i'll eat like real trash if i get a microwave they're nice they save time i have that air fryer if you have an air fryer you could uh skip a lot of microwave bullshit air fryer totally punked out the microwave yeah no that's true i got obsolete you got the cramley over there what you guys been cramming oh fucking manhole covers tires snail shells i saw octopus and then like dirty rice that

looked good yeah i got scammed at the octopus house you said it was the real deal i got tricked though i didn't want octopus i wanted the squid uh like appetizer that was nine dollars and instead they brought me out a pound and a half octopus i didn't need that at 11 30 a.m i didn't need a whole octopus octopus and eggs yeah breakfast octopus it looked great what am i ursula what's going on here she eats her own yeah she does she's committing cannibal infanticide ursula's so fat she's just eating her own tentacle. She's like, whoops, this keeps happening. It's like sucking your own dick.

And it grows back. You can eat it again. That's true, and it grows back stronger. Think I'll eat it again. Yeah, that'd be cool if your dick grew back after you sucked it. If you could suck your own dick and then it grew back, man, that'd be living. Becker, are you fine thinking about Ursula?

No, my eyes are just like crazy dry. Okay. Have you been outside today? No. I did go outside to take the trash to the curb and it fucking sucked. It's wild. Yeah. You Americans in your wild weather.

Yep. I've expatriated. I burnt my passport on the top of the Eiffel Tower. Whoa. Also, if you're listening and you're wondering, why am I slurring my words? I've had a couple. When you said it was 1230, I was like, oh.

Oh, yeah. How many? How many little wine coolers have you popped oh i've had how many gallons of beer i had we had a bottle of wine by the river i had my first beer today around 3 30 in the afternoon so did you get that pony keg no we didn't get the pony keg everyone said said it was stupid. It was flat. It was probably flat because it was like $10. It was seven euros and it was a pony keg. And it was in like the Hobby Lobby of Amsterdam.

That was Berlin. We walked into some mall to warm up. And it was like a Dollar General store we went into. And they just had that little keg of Bitburger. Not even cold. And I was like, let's get this. My dad was like look i put up with a lot of bullshit from you guys he snapped yeah that's the one time he yelled at us he doesn't

he doesn't want a couple beers he does not huh i i tried to get my dad an na beer and he said yeah na beer that's like masturbating without coming. And I was like, please, please never say that again. Yeah. He was like, it's like jerking off without spitting slime. That was like, good, good God on the cross.

Dad, you don't like it when it's coming out of Duddy's mouth. Like when Duddy talks about nasty time, that's how you talk all the time i know but i've never enjoyed hearing any adults in my family discuss intercourse or perversity or anything like that it's gross sophie doesn't like it either so yeah when dad's like you know when a lady walks by and her nipples are showing and my dad says oh i'd like to check the temperature god turkey turkey's done yeah soup's on i got i got kurt saying soup's on he loves it's on it's big people are saying it over

here whoa yeah oh shout out to the to the guy and where the fuck was that berlin the chub there's two chubby behemoth fans who came to the show in berlin whoa nice yeah they both they both are very eager to tell me i am das lund guy i am if i am wound lund guy they both have gout yeah they both ugly as shit and they stink smushos what are we dealing with no total hunks oh sweet yeah german hunks i think the one guy's name was like gasper or something i can't remember but he's very sweet mcdonald's is like healthy over there because they can't they can't use all the garbage that we use over here yeah it's good for you i've been having it every every breakfast i have a smoothie from there really yeah i just

have sophie chew up a mcdouble and spit it in my mouth chicken yeah chicken spicy chicken mcflurry mix smooth mix smoothie uh-huh no i haven't had mcdonald's yet we almost ate it tonight but we did not remember we had it in paris and it was good yeah it was good we were tanked you weren't i was wasted i was sneaking sips you and my dad should team up and uh do a podcast about being sober about how boring we are no i'm cool i made being sober fun duddy's cool too you know he puts up with a lot megan's uh co-workers kid just died at like 23 of alcohol intake like cam's brother cam omelet's brother died at like 23 from partying yeah i don't know if we're supposed to talk about that on the

pod what i don't think that's public knowledge he just docks cam's brother shut up you don't know what you're talking about oh wait i forgot i'm mad at you did you tell ran to point out every time i itched or picked did you like put him on pick alert and just like make him blast me no did you reach out to ran did you give him any pointers no you're full of shit it felt like it was a directed blasting you're laughing because you're nervous i'm blown away he blasted the whole episode it was a blast he made up a couple times too i didn't even i like barely moved he'd be like oh you're picking again it's like what are you doing who do you work for and then i was like of course he works for the he works for the puppet master sam t it ruled sam t industries he was on me he was on me right away like i i picked a couple of times to

see if he'd say anything never did well yeah he doesn't know you we spent a weekend together and then he thinks he should just dominate me like a fucking alpha dog and i was like this is my podcast you're my guest what are you doing why are you peeing on my pee i marked that fucking tree dog you itched and picked so much did he yell at you no it was not so much it was just early as soon as i did anything i like itched my head he was like you're picking something and i was like no i'm not he was fucking on it it was crazy oh god oh i gotta get together over here lose it take your pants off we won't know we both say that you probably gave ran the heads up because it was that immediate and thorough we figured you coached him you're like here's the

thing you gotta hop on lund right away or else he's gonna grind you into a powder yeah i was a fight coach he's gonna pick something he's gonna smell it he was he pointed out when i smelled stuff i was like whoa and i wasn't itching my balls it was just like my face my nose would itch and he'd be like hey what are you doing over there and i'm like nothing and he's just over there like i guess moisturized as hell so that he doesn't have anything to itch he showed no weaknesses well he went to the black high school he was impenetrable oh okay so as soon as he saw me he was like dissecting me to see what to rip on no no not that i wasn't trying to run the dozens I'm just saying he moisturizes a lot.

He doesn't want to be ashy in front of the gang. Cocoa butter. Yeah, he's buttered up. Well, and Cincinnati's a lot more humid than Colorado. That's right. The queen city of the river. No, I did not. I did not coach ran to call out you itching, picking and scratching.

But you do it so much that maybe he just was like jesus christ this guy's so fucking itchy and stinky what's this what he said that he said he could tell that i smelled i was like okay i'll give you that he said that uh yeah subscribe to the patreon i look like i smelled yeah give me some money oh there's a cat in here. I didn't even realize that. A little kitty. I love you, son.

You're my hero. I didn't know there was a cat, man. Secret cat. The cat is right underneath a picture, a painting of a cat. So that's fun. Fuck. Breathe. I am.

Put a shirt on. No. Come on. I'm picking and scratching. Shirt up. Fully nude. You pick your nipple off it is clean it's straight up gone no listen to this you have one nip i haven't been nude fully besides going to the bathroom and showering for like two weeks you haven't blasted either i blasted once in your

hotel room we're in the condo and zany's like i talked about while looking while looking at me well intermittently looking at you due to the rise and fall listen to this i've been wearing the same pair of pants in chicago they don't stink allegedly no i put my head in there i wore them like a job they don't reek at all what do you think you're hypoallergenic like a fucking golden doodle i have no idea i put i made sophie put her head in there for 20 bucks and she did and she was not bummed out if it didn't run nothing bad happened to her if it reeked did she get 20 or did she get 20 no matter what she's got 20 to put them on her head because i was like i'm wearing these for like two weeks

and she was like oh my god you poop every morning my sister's like ran when it comes to dumping she's the ran of your group oh yeah and then sophie will like fart in the restaurant while the beta d is telling us the specials while she's ordering yeah did you see that did you see the video i sent you of that woman that's giving a press conference i don't know if she's like a senator governor she just belches like you or me no oh it's so good it is a crazy like barney gumball fucking burp like and she just keeps talking anyway the cdc i bet her constituents loved it he's a little glee i can't think of who she is she looks familiar but did you guys see that video i sent to the group chat of the smush show slash gui guo yeah yeah love on love on the love on the guo spectrum oh yeah she was on all spectrums did you follow them around i did for a

while to get that video what was i was i was gu quo hunting out here did either of them fall into the pond or anything they looked hilarious look like no like eat a flower on accident yeah it was like if they ate a hot dog a bird would attack them and then they would eat the bird like they're using the they're using the hot dog to lure the bird in their mouth no she literally looked like she was putting some kind of compression device well i thought i thought you're saying the dude was the smusho because i couldn't see a neck and then the lady was a glow because she was very small and wobbly uh waddly she was waddling no they were both women and one was just a normal woman the other one was just like this perfect orb just this little this little humpty Dumpty of a person waddling around the Jardine de

Luxembourg. And I tried to express how, how gleeful it made me to Sophie. And she of course told me to shut up. She thought she smelled popcorn or something. We were hunting for the, the statue where we spread Emily's dad's ashes last time we were here and she kept being like he she's it's by the hot dog man if i can just find the hot dog man be able to find it

and then we just like so we spent like 20 minutes in luxembourg gardens looking for the hot dog man who i don't think ever existed no yeah so, Sophie had just like a hot dog related memory about spreading ashes. And I was like, you didn't eat a hot dog that day. And she's like, yes, it was the birth of Condiment Man. That was the first day you did Condiment Man because I was eating a hot dog. Oh, and then also I saw the Smush Show

and that was cool. And then, so Smush Show, good way to start the day. That was four hours. Yeah. so smoosh oh good way to start that was that was four hours of you ducking behind stuff yeah me pretending to be a statue no i'm louis the 14th i'm just offering offering hot dogs trying to get them to turn around and come close yeah i did the hot dog on a string gag kind of like a poop dollar did the hot dog on a string gag kind of like a poop dollar

but a hot dog on a string did you guys ever poop dollar people no was that oh we used to do it in middle school all the time was that on a cky video or something probably i don't know i just know jordan berry did it all the time. We'd put a dollar in our butt and wipe it around in there and then leave it in the middle of the cafeteria and see who came and got it. God. And it was usually Rudy Trinkonski, God bless him. He was on that dollar every day.

Yeah, he was like a Polish immigrant. He found a dollar on the ground. As long as I don't smell it, I win. Yeah. What is this? This will buy much beef. No, I don't think so. He looked like Wendell from The Simpsons.

No, I meant the people putting the money directly on their asshole. I mean, they got sick with it. We thought they were pretty cool. It wasn't just crack. They got laid a lot. They got pussy pussy early those kids were poop dollaring there's like a direct correlation between disgusting body pranks and getting sucked off early there is if you think about they're like really pushing the limits i was thinking about this the other day there's moments that define us as people and one of them defines me is in sixth grade Heidi Hartman was handing out candy to everyone and there was like

a feeding frenzy around her locker and guys were reaching in to grab candy yeah exactly but while they were reaching in they were just honking her no yes they were just like it was it was crazy it was a beehive of honking it was a deehive because heidi had him so there's all these kids honking and i was watching them honk and she'd be like oh you boys oh golly oh who was that and i didn't honk really yeah and i think about about the crew who was there and i think that they all got laid like a week later and you didn't get laid for five years yeah like they were brave they honked hartman and it's not brave they wouldn't have done it if it was just them they did it because of the anonymity oh yeah i mean that's not true fortitude i think she loved it your impression of her makes it seem like yeah she was in on it it's not like she was like get me out of here fellas yeah yeah she didn't fight her way out she didn't she didn't break one of the uh what are

the what the hell are those anyway yeah but i always think now if i would have honked how would my life have changed how old were you i was 12 i was in sixth grade uh you're fine and everyone was talking about it forever it was like the talk of the school for two weeks if you didn't really went people who honked heidi hartman and who didn't and then two weeks later sean pace got lice that was like that was the time frame of sixth grade honk gate to sean pace has lice there was definitely like one uh i think it was laurie slikus got got him before anybody else and i felt bad because it's like if you have a couple you know fifth graders that can have a little solidarity it would probably be less insane

but it was like just her and she was tall so like she was already standing out and then all of a sudden she had him and i was like whoa and nobody could do anything else like nobody learned anything for like a month and a half in fifth grade because it was like holy shit and and she didn't have anybody else to to commiserate with to like you know compare notes she would have had to like go up to the sixth graders and there was a lot of tension between grades in our school there was not a lot of like i almost skipped like fourth grade and i was like no they all like i thought they were all like because they didn't have any desks that fit you no they were the grade above me seemed like they were all like criminals they were all like fucking ne'er-do-wells and then i

had a good group of like smart guys that like sports and they were all like smoking cigs and tagging up to school and i was like they were honking yeah and i was like i can't i'm not ready to honk so i had to stay i stayed in my grade remember this this kid uh this kid nick hurts he honked her and then he went bald a couple weeks later. He went gray? No, he literally went bald at like 12 years old. And he

started killing animals and stuff because he was bald. God. He looked too close to the sun. Yeah, he like crushed a gerbil with his bare hands, which is bald. And then honked. No, he honked and then crushed and then bald.

He honked with a gerbil residue on his palm. He went in for a honk and she was like, I don't think so. Also, I don't let middle-aged men honk me. And he's like, I'm 13. She's like, yeah. Shut up. Tell it to your shower train he's fucking crushed i i was terrified of going bald early i was like there's no way that i could survive like i would have no like i thought about being ge George Costanza at like 17 and I was like, I couldn't, I couldn't handle it.

Like, how could I even do anything? It was very scary to me. You'd have to get like throwing stars or a lizard. You'd have to be one of those kids. Yeah, that's a whole different path. If you start balding at like 15 and a half,'re like fuck i don't wanna i don't wanna kill anybody but how do i not you know like i'm gonna have to get a very tall bong god is forcing my hand yeah i have to be a weed guy for my whole life i have to be a six foot green plastic bong

guy and smoke swag out of it at the bus stop before school and i hide it in the bushes you have to hang out with younger people that's always a funny move dude if you hang out with younger people you suck yeah i knew a lot of kids that hung out with younger people i was in a band i was in eighth grade and like the rest of the band was in 12th grade and the band was called dosed and they were all losers but i thought they were so cool all dosed and they were all losers but i thought they were so cool well yeah there's a fine line between them being cool and accepting you like that's okay i was only down to 14 yeah if they suck and they come down to your level it can feel like you you are elevating but really yeah you're you're bringing them down to your dumb little wad level. No, I was hanging out with scary kids. Those were the kids who made me smoke foilies when I was 13 years old.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Becker's yawning and sneezing and coughing at the same time. I've been doing stuff that's hard all day. Yeah, but Nick Hurst, his first name was actually harold hurst so his name was harold hurst and he went bald and killed a gerbil and then try to try to put its pelt on his head hey fellas it was it was a scary couple weeks but my hair came back and they're like yeah why is there a bunch of viscera in your scalp hair? He's like, oh, I don't know. It's part of the process.

I guess I'm going through puberty early. Your head smells like the biology classroom. Harold. He decided to go by Nick because he didn't want to be Harold Hurst. And it's like, we know you're Harold, buddy. We all went to kindergarten together. But you can't have hair in your name if you're going bald early. Yeah, and old.

I'm Harold. i'm old hair he was just so pissed he was like the angriest kid forever old hair would have destroyed him hey harold where's your old hair hey Harold where's your old hair that would have definitely caused him to go down a third path straight destruction he was raised by his grandparents in the woods

oh god yeah that gerbil was his only friend and he killed him what is he in jail or dead oh he was a heroin guy for a while but I think he straightened it out and he killed him is he in jail or dead oh he was a heroin guy for a while but I think he straightened it out and he's like

living in Fresno a fate worse than death yeah he was raised by his old ass grandparents he ate chicken salad every day his grandpa did the shit dollar bill to him at home he's like oh i don't have i don't have anywhere safe to go yeah even even sean pace made front of harold hearst and sean pace had lice the lice ate all of harold's hair maybe that would have been that would have been better than his you know what actually happened he was just stressed because he was worried his

grandparents slash parents were going to die every day yeah yeah poor harold if you're listening harold i think about you all the time buddy it's been funny to me to see how people post about their dead grandparent when they're like 36 and it's like yeah some people never know their fucking grandparents you had them your whole life and you're like oh i can't believe you're gone at 89 what the hell yeah uh you're so lucky yeah parents and grandparents it's also funny too when they like give they they say uh you know we'll miss you numpy like whatever the nickname for the grandparent was yeah gummo we'll miss you grandpa harold hurst world's youngest grandfather oh sweet grange quo i'll remember you as you lived pissed and hairless

a crushed gerbil in each hand oh man but yeah all those kids who honked hartman totally had like wild like better lives you've but you've gotten laid left and right no but not like not in like seventh grade like some of these characters uh i'm sure it wasn't sure it wasn't good it's not like i don't know i bet it was the best yeah no i mean it's the only time you can get away with that kind of thing yeah but it's like i got late at 15 but it doesn't mean that it was good it was fucking weird yeah but he was an old dude you got molested at 15 old at heart i was banging marilyn manson girl at her sister's house you won't shut up about it ignoring her the children we were supposed to babysit oh oh anyway sorry i got

derailed by hh sophie's in the bathroom yeah i better get her yeah i don't know i don't know how mel puts up with that he's yeah every time he goes in there he'll fart and it's like of course we all heard him fart we're sitting 10 feet away and she'll be like jesus mel did you guys hear that and it's like yes we were gonna let him get away with it though he's not supposed to fart in the he's not supposed to fart in the bathroom yeah so you farted when we were all uh playing night crawlers underneath the blanket you farted during our moment of silence for mom oh we spread we spread my mom's ashes in berlin and it totally blew back on us donnie style oh damn we got big lebowski by mommy's dust not good gross but okay i saw

um in the park after smusho smushette i'm pretty sure it was an adult with down syndrome it was something was going on there was some kind of issue you know the hair situation pulling a wagon with a smaller person was a child or just a little one uh what's his name that little guy with the funny name habibi what's his name hezbollah no it's not hezbollah yeah it is right that was a terrorist group correct well he's raising hell at every pizza buffet he goes to they bring him over here they wind him up with rumble mints and let him loosen the apple peas it's similar i think it might be hasbulla yeah well whatever it is

so you looked at the adult and you said i wonder if and then you looked at the adult and you said, I wonder if, and then you looked at the wagon, you're like, yep. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And the kinds of guys are still strong. My spy senses are tingling. My spy der sense. Oh, you hear that?

Sophie's going to come knock on the door and be like, I heard you. You busted. Cloudy with a chance of gross. It's cloudy with a chance of these are meatballs coming out of god but yeah it was just it was just a train of uh of upright um you know super spy with uh with a little one who was not a child i don't think but in a wagon in a wagon in paris pulling a small wagon with a dog with no legs and also there's a bunch of people eating apple cores around here they eat the core yeah that's a big thing over here in paris just people crushing apples and eating the whole apple me and dad style i don't think that's true did you see one person do it

and you're like at least four at least four people have eaten an apple core in front of me what like the top they munch the top yeah and i do that too but i thought that was like my thing i didn't know it was like you know international i know it was a continental situation. Leftover from the Depression. I wish I could. I wanted to get a video of that Gwee train, but I knew it would be wrong. Better to just describe

it. Yeah, I already was tempting fate by getting that smusho on film. I couldn't get her from the front either if you've seen her front it was crazy it was crazy that's the word you would use to describe a person's face it's crazy it was fucking nuts dude she had one eye where her mouth should be no so new mouths where her eyes should have gone no nose an ear for a nose it was it was one it was a very bright day in

paris so her eyes were like you know like clothes like like stevie wonder style you know and then her mouth was like very thin so it just looked like she had slits on her face like someone like someone popped her eyes out and sold her mouth shut she was zippered yeah yeah she was she was just smushed from top to bottom she was smushed and silent silent she was a balsamic reduction listen to this oh whoa that register yeah i mean i could hear it yeah yeah i mean we've had the worst chinese food ever tonight so i'm getting my revenge on the on the innocent bunk bed on my dad's in my room he's really i mean and these the heat rises too so he's up there getting baked in he's up there no but like when i'm down here doing this you know for eight hours a night yeah this is that

if if a prisoner was meant to sleep on this bed that i'm on they would it would not be allowed it'd be a human rights violation it's that bad it's like a bale of hay on top of concrete it's the worst bed i ever slept on and my dad's up there on like a perfect tempur-pedic you don't know i have because i was gonna sleep up there first then he was like i want to sleep up top i didn't say i'm scared i didn't say i don't want to it's too high up the ground yeah you got up there and you got scared no and then sophie and mel's bed is like god's tongue they're just like a couple of mints melting on the tongue of god it sucks so i know what they have and i know what i have and i hate it in here and you don't know i almost took my own life. You almost flapped yourself off of the top of the Eiffel Tower.

I couldn't fit through the holes. Actually, God, I just thought of how mean you've been about people who jumped off of the World Trade Center trades and if you throw yourself off of anything it'll be very poetic yeah i mean how many how many people will i take out when i land yeah you and yeah you won't say anything you won't say look out below you won't say four you'll just yeah i'll just say wow wow wow that's what steve jobs said as he jumped off of a building and smushed people as he jumped out of tower nine that's that pussy i just don't get why that's your last move you're like oh i could just go down with the ship and here with all the all the squad you know all the boys i'm gonna i'm

gonna huck my carcass stay just stay inside that's my point i think it's i think it's literally like an instinctual i can't be burned alive i can't catch on fire so i have to jump out of this wind it's a lose lose man you're acting like you'd be up there like contemplating the pros and cons i'd be up there saying the pledge of allegiance i'd be standing at half mass with my dick in my hand i would it would just be toby keese i love this bar and grill rules you'd be put a boot in your ass the american way That song hadn't come out yet. It was a result of that. I wrote the lyrics on that day. I would be in there and I would throw a paper airplane

out the window and mark it to Toby Keith. I'll see you in hell, Hezbollah. You send that little Muslim midget to me and I'll fucking put him in a wagon and drag him around paris i like the idea that you jump with your dick in your hand you jack it you you come soft a guy is walking by and is like is this bird shit what the fuck and it's no no and then you immediately after the jizz is you well i feel like that i feel

like that if i blew a stream up there it'd be like dropping pennies it'd just be like a fucking bunch of buckshot at terminal velocity so i can just take out a bunch of people with my seed isn't that how it works you survive because my you land you land in your own goo that you good on well you go on them too they look up put their hands up it cushions your fall you you get up and dust yourself off and start whistling as you're on your way laughing at everybody burning cooking up like they're in a giant microwave above you yeah but as i go get a slice oh dude you would love this i had a calzone as big as becker's chest whoa whoa oh yeah it was so big in paris yeah in paris i had it uh last no two nights ago yeah i

had a big old calzone and the italian guy who worked there he was an italian spy it was actually that place we went to one we went and had spaghetti there with arno oh oh we had pizza right yeah yeah it was a pizza spaghetti place the upstairs really good that's why we went upstairs with arno did you meet up with arno no he's in i don't want to say where he is he's in america right now good call yeah um he's in a disguise did we talked about him right i don't think we should have the magic man yeah wild stuff what a life hand is right now stop all right smell it it doesn't stink i'm wearing these special undies and also i have a brand new undershirt i i bought a bunch of sweat wicking undershirts so I haven't been wet the whole time I've been over here.

You don't stink. That is one of many lies that you've said in this last 45 minutes. To be fair, my pits are not good. Oh. That doesn't make sense.

Usually my vectors of odor are crotch related god yeah this dude can't showering every day is that what no no of course not god no no what am i a baby r no what what do you mean a baby baby shower every day not me a big strong man where people are concerned about their stink areas dude i wish you don't have to be concerned over here this guy that came into the bar last night that i hadn't seen in a while and he reeks every time and last night was no different like fucking what the hell do you live out of your van like oh my god it's so bad and then he leaves and you can smell it for like another half hour just that's bad stink cloud yeah dude a room full of people

coming and going smelling like people and then he gets to stand out the fucking cheese stands alone what does he smell like just like the like the worst vo that you can imagine like four dudes that jerk off onto a guy who already stinks and then he runs a mile like just really bad like like he smelled like heidi hartman in gym class arc the archetype of bo stink cloud guy like god harold smelt so bad too because his grandparents didn't clean him enough they bathed with dirt yeah i think i just imagine harold's grandparents his grandpa's name was also harold soaps what you make what soaps what you make of it boy just washing him down in a big like steel tub out in the woods spinach water just squeezing squeezing the moisture out of a can of spinach onto him that's why he went bald uh yeah i hadn't seen this dude in a while

and it was like god damn it i'll bet you reek also as it was getting super cold he came and went out of the front door like nine times he like kept not committing to coming in so he'd fucking just keep bringing that fucking winter wind in with him and his stench you gotta smell bad when it's cold for people to register it yeah and it's and because i hate the idea of him having some comeback like well I don't have a place to live you know and like where where should I shower the fucking purgatory so I don't say anything but my

God it's so bad you're supposed to accept bodies Lund and it's not that it's not like that he hasn't washed his clothes because that is a different smell that's like a cast you know if you have your arm in a cast there's that smell that can be on your clothes sometimes i've been guilty of like all the different ways a man can stink

yeah like i've had like wet shoe uh not properly dried laundry you know so it has like that moldy smell oh yeah just regular human being stink unbrushed teeth cigarettes yeah cigs booze yeah oozing out of your pores no yeah booze for sure you've yeah you act like long water spilled all over your lap that's right jizz caked jizz in your shorts no undies like i'd like no socks no undies can't lose damn i really checked like every box on the stink olympics full pant load no i've never been one to hang out with it in there

unwiped ass if i go i go we didn't have any toilet paper here for a while there was like 36 hours or anything goes for a while why we couldn't find any look harder you should have left the place and we did we did no we were too we were too swept up in the beauty that is padri did you go to the louvre no you're outside of it we walked by it yeah we didn't go inside i've been in there 20 so i need to go back you waved at it it's like i get it you're a triangle shut up we didn't go to any damn museums here. That's for communists. Why would you?

Because I've been in. I know what's in there. Paintings. I know what paintings are made out of. Paint. God, you and Chris and Bobby wanted to spend 12 minutes in the Louvre. There's thousands of interesting pieces of art everywhere you turn. There's another story to be told and you guys were like next let's go get a beer is like yeah you guys are so cultured you make fun of me for not wanting to walk around and then you you like covered your eyes so that you fine i'll go in there but i'm not looking at shit

you're like oh it's beer o'clock somewhere you guys were three chodes i was trying to learn some shit and you guys were like this sucks you literally yelled at us because we weren't looking at the paintings good enough let's go skateboard let's go play rock paper scissors in traffic let's kick each let's kick each other in the taint yeah let's play rochambeau in paris i haven't had a cigarette in nine minutes we gotta blow this joint well yeah you were walking around you were fucking staring at a trash can and being like i think i get it i busted you standing in front of an exit sign. You're like, it just speaks to everything, doesn't it?

I walked in on that little kid taking a shit. And I was like, now this is what I'm talking about. This is the show, boys. Brings a tear to my eye. Yeah. My God, it's beautiful. This is Bob Dylan to me. Oh, my God. it's beautiful this is bob dylan to me oh my god that speak about talking about going down the wrong path i think i might have going down on a boy that kid's that kid's hair fell out the next day and he was like what the

fuck i'm ruined this is because that were pig walked in on me and john somebody rolled that trash can in here and somehow opened the door i didn't even want to look at the paintings i wanted to hang out with those cool dudes who wanted to go smoke fuck went back to that bar we went to every night when we were here happy town or whatever it Wasn't it called something dumb? No, it's called. It's close. Hoppy Corner. Hoppy Corner.

Went back to Hoppy Corner. Had a cold one. You guys are staying there. Is that the second? Or is the only? We're like right by. We're in the eighth or the 10th. Did you go to that cemetery where everybody is?

That's like a ways east, right? And we mostly went north and west. It's in the southwest. No, it's east. No, you literally don't know anything. I'm in Paris right now. Yeah, with your hand up your ass. Hey.

See? Yeah. See? There was there's a no i saw that shoulder motion that was nothing you pulled out we can see your armpit air yeah yeah you're fucking all the way behind yourself dog i am back here because i've been wearing these like skin tight sweat uh sweatshirts or not sweatshirts sweat wicking t-shirts so I got all these bumps all over me I'm trying to figure them out figure them out on your own time let's get Rand in here yeah let's get Rand

to do like a play by play Rand would be freaking out right now he would he couldn't handle this yeah I'd tell him to shut up freaking out about your ghost nipple my nipples there it's just none of your business look at that look at that guy hey who's hungry yeah but it's the same color as all the rest of your skin yeah it's pretty cool isn't it it is it's not like yours and it's blue like it was outside all day

have i done the new character on here the guy that i've been doing no okay well if he's if you got him in the last like five days then no well i don't remember if i did it in the last but it's just the guy who sees something he says oh what is that fucking shit over there oh uh no you haven't done him now you have no it sucks he's good he sees the loo but he's like what's this fucking shit that was the shit is that fuck that was you inside of the loo you didn't get any of it it's like it's two women in a park you're like what's this fucking shit what is this fucking shit over here i could have i could have done this with my own ass no dude you wanted to go look at like one of the bricks from the pyramids and i was like i gotta

get out of here dude i can't i can't go to the fifth floor with your dipshit ass and look at someone without a nose there was a lot to look at i thought there's freaks in wagons in the park i thought we were gonna be in there for a couple hours and you guys wanted to do the express lane the whole just shoving asian tourists out of the way as you go we were on scooters as you hugged dude i did want to shove a couple asios in there that's for sure there were there were a ton of people in there it was dude in front of the mona lisa there was all those asian people taking photos and i couldn't see the mona lisa because it's as big as a postage stamp because it sucks just like everything else in the world

it's like oh cool so she's ugly i get it i guess what's this fucking shit well i like the guy now yeah he's grown on me and like i watch that she's a fucking cincinnati six is that what the deal is what's this fucking shit all about what lun's hard okay cool skyline chili face i'm supposed to marvel yeah london pingo jones for some 17 year old eunuch who cares bobby let's hit it bobby bobby let's listen to the ocs outside till the cops come let's crank tave and paula but let's go to the bathroom and see how much of the water we can drink before the cops show up

i'm gonna try to see bobby tomorrow or saturday that'll be great i'm gonna try and see my wife on saturday probably not though huh is she still in fort collins she's in fort collins right now but she's supposed to fly out at 8 a.m maybe uh maybe we'll meet up if her flight gets canceled i'll be like hey what's up what's this fucking shit is sam's wife show her a picture of my back and see if the cancer is or not look at these yeah look at these bumps we got some of these bumps on your boy the shirt wicks away sweat but it doesn't wick away carson carcinogens also his hand has been behind him for the whole time. It was in front of you for a while, too.

Finger, welcome to butt. Sam's butt, hell of a pleasure to meet you. What else has happened here? Anything good? I don't think think so i think we covered it all that was a lot of fun i'm running out of steam because i'm tie tie we just crossed an hour a couple uh minute ago so whoa we did we did it god we're the best one discovering there's a cat in there really got me. Yeah, it was fun.

What's up with the cat now? Still a cat. It's been sleeping this whole time. George Michael didn't notice it. It's on top of a bookcase. So is it high off the ground? Is it really a cat or is it a coonskin cap or a scarf? It's a cat. I can see the breathing.

I can see the rise and fall of the abdomen all right god every every fucking bookstore in this town doesn't want to sell me a damn book what do you mean they don't believe i can't find any good fucking books in the ship oh i thought you like brought one up to a register and then they just walk away and lock the door on their way out no that only happened once here where we tried to do a tonight actually went to try and get into a wine bar. And we walked in and they were like, no, no. And we were like, well, can we sit outside? And they were like, no, no.

And we were like, well, there's other people sitting outside. And they just like shoot us out. Whoa, because you guys are so gross. Yeah, I think it was like a very Parisian place. And they didn't want us in there. You know how these people are all nationalists and they hate muslims they saw mel and they're like that's their whole thing here no no and what's in there nice stop is this uh free or patreon this one's free right that was a good one let's make it be for the people let's give it to the people hey speaking of the people you can come see me in

chicago no you can't those are all sold out i sold out two more shows in chicago december 22nd i think i might i think i might be in chicago january 27th to film a thing what are you filming uh a thing you want to tell me about it i don't know i don't know just yet but i want to tell the people about it right now you're just edging them you're teasing them stay pingo you can have a little taste of sam and then i'll be back to satiate you can come and see me in lund december 29th 30th and 31st at comedy club on state in madison wisconsin for new year's hey now talk about the paris of the midwest madison wisco if you if you love it then leave it uh if you're in fucking tokyo or whatever you can come see me in tokyo on january 7th nobody's in tokyo we don't have anyone be in berlin but they were

yeah that's pretty cool they're probably lung guys out in tokyo no they probably are but we do have listeners in japan they're probably becker guys out in japan buying yeah buying a shoe out of a vending machine that a kid threw up in or whatever the hell they like to do. I'm going to sell so many of Emmy's panties out there. I'm going to wear every pair of panties she brings on the plane. I'm going to be selling them to pay for our hotel rooms. These were in a man's ass. The 21st of January, I'll be in West Bend, Wisconsin.

There's a theater there. I'm doing a theater. That'll be neat. 27th, LA. 28th, the San Francisco Punchline for Sketch Fest. Come and see that. Birmingham. Do you want to do Birmingham with me, Lon?

Birmingham, Tuscaloosa. Wes Van Horn, Kristen Rand. Yeah. Yeah, fuck yeah. Anyway you anyway everyone i'm fucking tie tie but come see us uh come see us in madison come see us in san francisco well not us just me it's the san francisco punchline for sketch fest and the royal us royal really patreon patreon.com slash chubby behemoth five5 a month you get a bunch of extra episodes some real good ones you can smell

us on the patreon episodes smell technology all I want for Christmas is for you guys to join that fucking patreon so I can get a little bit of money in my undies you just tweaked your own nip i did i'm thinking about poop dollar in myself once i go to bed lose that ring somewhere and then have

emmy dig it out once you guys are reunited guys please join our patreon i want us to have a bunch of money so we can um all buy a bunch of stuff for each other. Don't whine about it. I'm not. You're tired and you're whining. Look at that nip action. Yeah, check that out. Listen to it. Guys, I'll post

whole if you guys just join the Patreon. Five bucks. That's all I want for Christmas or Chinese New Year, whenever you guys celebrate. Whenever you guys celebrate over there. I'm going to stop talking, but Len, if you want to talk me off, I mean, talk me to sleep. Talk you off.

God damn it. Yeah, you did. to sleep talk you off god damn it yeah you did whoa just justin's temperature justin's uh temperature on his computer just says wind chill and then there's a red triangle i think that means i'm not allowed to go outside probably be careful out there everybody except for california i think it's like 95 of the country is gonna die because of weather so that's cool but then you'll come back and survey the damage and say mommy like and you'll just start harvesting corpses for whatever you want food shelter fuel xylophones play thing yeah you're going to play people's ribs like you're fucking

in Van Halen. Do you remember Ron White watching me play the xylophone on Mushrooms? Gorked? Yeah, he loved it. He was like a little baby that had never seen colors before. That was fucking nuts. Just looking up and playing the xylophone to see Ron White's

screaming face. You were killing it. You were killing it. I'm the man. It was fun to watch. I'm the man. So yeah, just join the Patreon so I don't have to kill myself. Join the goddamn Patreon.

I don't want to have to do it over here, but I will if you don't join the Patreon. You're going to throw yourself off the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, I'm going to get buried on top of jim morrison no one will be able to tell us apart