Chubby Behemoth - Behemoth Machine

Episode Date: October 20, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Prize Picks - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/CHUBBY and use code CHUBBY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup!     IndaCloud - If you’re 21 or older, get 30% OFF your first order + free shipping @IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     Chubbies - Your new wardrobe awaits! Get 20% off @chubbies with the code CHUBBY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/chubby #chubbiespod     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     Claw Machine: https://www.youtube.com/@ClawMachinepod     This week Nathan is doing a swap cast with the Claw Machine Podcast hosted by our main man Ran. They’ve been smoking digital sensi. Ran wants to chomp a pod so bad, reveals he tests the shampoo, and doesn’t think he wants to get piped. Nathan is wearing a scary shirt, is in the stage when he looks tough, and reports on the weather in Cincinnati. What is the Midwest? The Doctor said it was cool man. 8 Nigerian beers.     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

So now Doesn't matter My nose is on my butt I got my pants on I'm fine What a nightmare that would be Yeah eye hands Giro

You don't fucking Eye hands Gerema del Torvo You've done it again You sneeze You don't do the elbow You do your hand You're like

Fuck You're like you can't see That'll kill Mimos And plus imagine this point of view When you're getting the booger off your hand A bunch of other particles getting into your eye.

How you turn a shower on? How you take a lid off a jar? I mean, you're not always pressing full in. Lid on a jar. You are? Pickles. I want my pickles. You get your balm involved.

Yeah. Then you get pickle juice in your fucking eyeball. Yeah. That character's flawed. We are recording on everything. Recording on the board? According on the board. And recording on the cam.

Can we use any of that or no? Yeah. Oh, good. Some of that was pretty good. What you said at the very beginning, I hope, never gets out for your sake. Yeah, me too, man. For the city of Cincinnati. But people are going to be mad about that.

But yeah, look at us, two guys. Two young sexual individuals that have been smoking digital censumilia all afternoon. Now, you're smoking Delta 8? No, no, no, real stuff. You do? I'm in Colorado. Do you guys have the weird stuff? Yeah, we have real stuff.

Oh, okay. No, we have it legal here now. All of it. But they try to, they try to hit us with some old bullshit, you know? They're like, but you can't have a gummy bear. No, no, no, shut the fuck up. No, no edibles or what? No, they're trying to take away edibles from us.

And I'm like, you can have them. They're scowly. No, that's dumb. Sometimes it's nice. If you're a little congested, you can't hit the vape, you can eat a gummy instead. So a bunch of people can't, yeah, can't have access to wheat if you get rid of edibles. I heard. Is it for kids?

Because kids like gummies? Who cares? I heard. Yeah, don't give your kids weed gummies, dummy. They're hard to take, uh, to get the gummies out.

And that's all that can be done, right? For the kids. Yeah. Make it a little tough for them to get into the packaging. Yeah, and other than that, they should,

that sucks. God, dude, I bought some tidepods the other day. I haven't had sugar in a lot, a long time, like over a year or something. And I bought some tie pods the other day and I was feeling them in the car. And I was like,

damn, dude, I might fucking take one of these down. you know what I mean it seems like a Japanese treat right you know like a tie pot like the consistency you would find out that consistency is like you know rice paper or something like that and then you can take a little bite and squeeze the sweet sweet juice in your mouth and like there's probably it's a texture thing I want to chop one so bad I get why all those Gen Z fuckers died out on that thing weren't they supposed to change something so that so that they were less delicious

enticing but they're the same did they just go away and then come back the same like Louis I got the Kroger app dude I'm 42 I got the Kroger app and there was a coupon came through and I was like oh me and my girl need laundry detergent I'm gonna pop down to Krog I'm gonna get me the laundry D

but it was for pods and here I am squishing these little fuckers in the car and you might you might end up and she's away so you really might why they cats away the mice will eat pot you're gonna get a fun dip stick yeah and then dip it in the gummy in the goo.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You get a Tidepod, then you wet it down with some dawn or something. I mean, you're eating chemicals. You wet it down with some dawn, and then you roll it in some powdered detergent. Now you've got like a nerd, a gummy nerd. The cluster.

Yeah, now you got like a cluster, but it's a chemical cluster. It's supposed to make your laundry brand new, but it just kills you immediately as soon as you eat it. I want to eat one. I don't think you should. Well, maybe I'll wait until I'm old. Maybe on camera.

If you're going to eat it, then use it. Maybe I'll wait until I'm old. Don't just do it at home alone because then nobody sees it. There's no views or likes. It doesn't help the pod. What's the podcast called? You guys change the name a lot. Yeah, we changed it one time.

It's called Klaw Machine. Oh, and mine is called, I haven't done it in a while. What is it? Chubby behemus. Or something. And together. this podcast is called chubby claw or it's called behemoth machine or behemoth machine is probably the winner because what else is their claw behemoth behemoth behemoth claw now behemoth machine

um claw uh that's the name of my i was about to say claw machine claw chubby i was like that one's chubby claw claw so lund with Blake damn dude claw so machine no wait this might confuse people so far with machine yeah oh come on there's they got to figure it out right no people might think you're blake you're wearing a scary shirt i know that what you're a dark beard wearing a scary shirt black black black black band shirt yeah but instead of i've only done podcast with this male body time yeah yeah you're very comfortable right now yeah i was just talking to you like i don't know we're hanging out i mean we are friends same guy no but i want you to yeah i didn't i didn't i didn't want you to get scared so i figured i'd try to look

as much like Blake. But instead of dog party is a very tame band compared to whatever this usually says like rape spell. He usually says like grave fucker.

You know what I mean? It's got a skeleton with a cock. Acid skull. Yeah. It's got a skeleton eating its own tongue. And it says like

the Bible's fake or whatever on the back. You're already in hell. Yeah. Hell is me. And Blake's Like, and meanwhile, he's like a guy that's like, yeah, I paid my taxes. The best guy.

He's like, I had to pay my taxes this year. And he's wearing a shirt that says like, demon finger. Blood bomb. Puk your own teeth out, slave. Slave dagger. I saw them. They were pretty good. Yeah.

I was scared, but I still had fun. Yeah. You know, man, what's up with all them scary-ass bands, dude? They still make scary music. Yeah, but you know what I think is fun is a lot of it is tongue in cheek and it's, you know what I mean? They aren't acting like they are hard. Yeah. They are having fun with it.

So there is, yeah, there's a lot of, a lot of it's ironic or, yeah, tongue and cheek, they're kind of dicking around. They're goose. A lot of them are goose. That's true. Some of them are doors. They take the music seriously, but the names is like an inside joke almost. That's a trope of those guys. You ever notice that?

They're like dicking around trying to come up with the worst. name name that they can yeah like puke head or whatever yeah poop what about this on the way in we were talking about the perfect the perfect combo a lady and a guy you mash them up you could really come up with something better than the sum of its parts the muscles of a man and the boobs of a woman yeah when you yeah when you paint with all the colors of the wind you could really come up with some cool humans all the colors of the wind are on earth I told I said last night to the crowd at Go Bananors, uh, please tip Morgan, she wants to get a second head. And I think that's crazy. And she just does not miss a beat. She's just nodding along, sells it. Yeah.

Co-signs it. Yeah. Yes, please. I would love to get this second head operation underway. Yeah, dude. We always say, I always say that Jake needs hair thinning surgery. Because his hair is so beautiful and yeah but it's yeah but it's so thick that it's a nightmare like a monkey's paw situation you wish what is that where you think you're wishing you're monkeys paw right twilight zone type shit you wish uh for something and then it you get like that but it's actually a nightmare it's awful because in a way that you didn't expect or like my grandpa's joke he used to tell me what is this monkey's pa my grandpa this is the only joke he ever told me it's from youoslavia right and i asked him to tell me a joke when I was a little kid and this is what he hit me with he goes he didn't have an accent but

for this I'll say he does yeah make it make it make him sounds crazy a man was walking down the beach and he found the genie lamp and he picked it up here up that genie comes out he says you have one wish and the man goes I thought they had three wishes he goes no you have one wish and the man says well I wish that my penis was so big it would touch the sand And his legs fell off. Yeah, that's perfect. That's monkey's paw. Hell yeah.

Yeah, all right. Where, yeah, there's always a, there's a ball machine. Paul machine. There's a, change it. Do you go to YouTube now? Yeah, where either the troll, the, the, the genie, whoever's granting the wish is a trickster, or, yeah, with the, yeah, Jake.

Oh, yeah, he's got, uh, or straight hair versus curly. hair both both sides want the other because they think it's all grass is greener stuff but the but it comes with its own journey with its own hurdles leaving shampoo and yeah jake thick hair sometimes his neck is sore because the hair and the head density are yeah are heavy i wonder if his scalp ever gets wet heavy's the head that wears the hair yeah heavy is the head that wears the hair yeah his scalp is crawling with mites yeah because it's seriously thick the water in the shower is like yeah the shampoo's not getting it down down through to the core, yeah, the core of the head.

Yeah, dude, I love his hair and I love his demeanor and I love everything. Did you see my don't tell I'm wearing him on my shirt? Yeah, I asked you who it wants. He's that guy. I put Jake on my shirt. Yeah, that was cool. Now you'll both be famous. Yeah, no, neither one of us will be famous.

I thought it the whole thing was don't tell. Shouldn't they maybe not share a bunch of videos of their don't tell? No, I'm kidding. That's dumb as though. they shouldn't put the comedian's names on there and see how many comics want one. They have too much reach for it to still be called don't tell. Yeah. If you ask me, but nobody did.

I'll circle back and ask you in a minute what you think about their reach. Dude, do you hate Cincinnati? No, that's not what I said. When he picked me up, I said, I got to tell you. And I was joking. I said, I got to tell you, Cincinnati sucks without you. I was just saying I haven't seen you. You've been doing other stuff.

yeah and also we're not in Cincinnati i didn't go to the to the market which we did one of the times i came here with sam yeah uh i haven't done a lot just kind of hung out over here the condo condo's good you know it's good relatively no but i thought about all the horror stories of the idea of a comedy condo that was around that's how comedy has like comedy is changing the way where guys don't even and girls don't even do weird shit of condos to make other comics laugh? I hope they don't. Well, and also, is it funny or is it disgusting?

Well, some of it was mean and disgusting. Yeah. And it's like, you could do some funny stuff. You could like, yeah, you could do funny stuff. Put it, put something in, put a jello mold under a bed with the remote in it or something. Like the office. Yeah, do a gym. You could go.

Harmless fun. Harmless fun. You could do a gym instead of guys used to stick like everything in their asshole. The next comedian would go in there And the doctor would be like, you have fucking cholera We don't have cholera Yeah, you shit in the pillowcase or whatever Jizzing the ice tray

Just hazing like violence You do all the home alone pranks In the condo So when the guy comes to clean it He burns his fucking hand on the doorknob Or whatever You know As soon as the club manager comes in to be like

Oh do we need to change the sheets A fucking paint can slaps her in the head a full can of paint takes her off the set you know shit like that yeah leave a live alligator in the dish tank

you go back and the headliners in bed and you put micro machines yeah on the outside of the bed so that you put your feet down and step down are you

and so he's like what the hell and he jumps out and he's like yeah and you're like that's what you get for making me open

for you I'm a prankster got It used to be so fun. Everybody's so serious now, dude. My picture is something serious. I was a baby funeral. I was a little worried about, yeah, yeah, the lotion and the soap, the body wash. But I'm like the third person in there.

So hopefully there's not a lot of shit, piss, and come everywhere. They don't do that. The guy that was there before you was Brad Wenzel. You think that guy's jacking off in a bottle of shit? No, he saves all of his. he saves all of his gist He saves his

fingernail clippings Takes him home To throw him away In his garbage can He thinks that they're A part of him Enough that he needs to Hold on to them

And then Yeah Dispose of them at home or whatever Yeah he burns them up He keeps it all I think he keeps it all He says thank you everyone He bought a home

So that he would have more storage For all of the pieces of him Yeah right Wenzel can keep his own self And his shettings and bags In various bags And boxes around his house Right

It's going to add up quick. So he didn't jizz in the shampoo. No, no. He could never part with it. And you know what? I can make you this guarantee. Every week after the headliner leaves, I taste the shampoo to make sure they go to get jizzed in it.

And so far it's jizzless. It's still just making me regular sick. Go ahead. I was going to say I saw Brad just a couple weeks ago at a wedding, and you were at a wedding, what, last night, two days ago? Two days ago. Whoa. Yeah, wedding.

Fun. It's wedding season. It's not. It's off wedding season. It's off wedding season, so I'm hoping to people got some deals. Yeah, you save a couple grand. Is that true? Why are wedding so expensive, bro?

Let me get married outside at Copenhagen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Asian Center. The Asian Family Center. Marty comes flying through in the escalate and dust my whole wedding party. I'm sorry. Marty comes through in the escalate with the fucking trailer hitch attached to the back of it and just dusts my wedding party.

I'm like crying. I'm like, I love you so much, babe. I got my ring out. It's like, he's like, sorry,

I forgot to bring potato skins in. He interrupts my wedding to bring in pizza crusts. You know what I mean? That's what would happen up here. If I like hand to describe go bananas, it's like, I genuinely love him.

I love him. He's hilarious. He's intentionally, unintentionally hilarious. And bro, he just like would do. that to me. What did you mean by dusts?

You didn't mean plow into? No. He is a bad driver, though. I thought he's a bad driver. I may imagine them getting run over in the parking lot. No, I meant like all the gravel in the loose parking lot. He would dust my whole wedding, you know what I mean? He'd gray us out.

He'd kick up a bunch of shit. Yeah. He'd put a bunch of gray dust in the air and everybody would be wearing shit. We'd look a little dusty. He'd look like statues. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We'd look like Bam, Margaria antiquitas. Yeah.

Yeah, and we would come in here to go bananas for my reception, of course. You know, best man speech on stage. Save a couple bucks. Open mic. Save a couple bucks. Open mic. Let a couple new comics go up and do five about me. And if they roast, I'd give them the light.

We had a hell of a wedding. It was a comedian wedding like yours, so a lot of laughs. I'm never doing that, by the way. You wouldn't invite a bunch of comics? No, I would invite a bunch of comics because they're my friends. Oh. But I wouldn't do that. have them do sets.

Fuck no. Good call. No. Save a couple bucks. I don't even know who my best man would be. I'm guessing it would be gum. And he would be honest.

He would be sweet. He would like, Blake would be good. He would be like, you know, he would say some shit from the heart. He'd probably be really funny too. But then I'd,

I'd want up and by getting up, I'd pull down his pants in front of him. Show his wiener and his big thick bush. But, but yeah, get my man. I'll be like, dude,

you can wear maternity pants. I don't care. And he literally did he know I set him up to fucking pants and weaner out in front of everybody. And that's my wedding gift to me. He'll steal all of his underwear the night before so that you know you don't have to worry about grabbing both layers. Because we know he'll wear him if they're holy. So actually, you know what, dude, for Gub was a whole lot bigger when we would go and like take the podcast on the road and stuff. And surprisingly cleanly guy doesn't stink.

Yeah. He does fart into a. open bowl of water though every morning why dude I don't know that was fucking me up when we were sharing the room because like I'd wake up and he'd be in the bathroom already door closed he would have taken a shower and he's just like

lacing farts in an open bowl he's farting on the toilet like four feet from my head you know what I mean I'm sure that's how it goes but it sounded like he was blasting off in there it's like the angry inch I don't even know what that means but it's it was it was like you know he's farting like that into the he was farting like a like a little mean buzzer like a like a like a like when a bug flies past your

head you know that but it was that out of an asshole it's like bang you know it's mean you got to get the TV on yeah I know but Stephanie Beans is snoring next to me we'd make him sleep between us we'd make him sleep on the floor between us sure we'd make him a bed right and then we'd all watch TV together and gub would drop his chips on him all the time and yeah now there's no more night chips there's no more open bowl farting he's just kind of a normal guy like has lost weight i've lost a little weight you've also lost weight trying you guys look tough didn't try in the stage where you look tough yeah i feel kind of tough yeah uh now you're gonna be rail thin in four months and you're gonna be like sir can

you help me pick up the milk yeah i don't want that yeah you gotta be careful no i don't want to be weak i still want to be a strong tough guy it's along people pick up milk for him people are generally helpful no i don't want to I don't want to need anybody. Can you unlock my shopping cart? I live in a tiny town. There's only a few folks. And usually I'm the one helping them.

I keep, I've, I've had like three or four small women in the, in the last couple months. Don't see something high up. And I'm, and I'm, and I'm right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad to help. To knock them down. No, no, I pick, I pick them up.

Because, you know, if you just grab it for them. Yeah. They don't like that. They want to grab it themselves. So you pick them up. Yeah. And you bring them up to the top part of the shelf. They get to feel tall for a couple seconds.

oh look I did it you know they're proud and you drop them back down you drop them so they get a little scared you do doomsday device you have somebody from Costco come off the top shelf with a close well yeah if you get yeah if you can get eye contact with a guy you're like London Gregory uh in electronics flipped doris the other night she's fucked up she's at trinity local she didn't even drop didn't even drop her uh can of cheese yeah that's where you you're picking them up. That's what's high up. They want canned cheese.

Can cheese isn't high. It's a low treat. In Trinidad, they put them up high. Oh, wow. So the kids can't get them. Because the kids will just slam it. They'll just dome it and then put it back. They put them higher.

So you can't get up the elevation. They pop. You start gassing out. Yeah. You're like, when you're trying to get the cheese? Sometimes they explode if you get too high on a shelf. So there is like a half. medium are you where they're shelf stable are you up hi yeah you're high yeah are you higher than

denver trinidad is 6,000 is a little over 6,000 feet yeah Denver's 52 80 so we're higher but there's only a few people there there's like 40 people so a lot of it's like hello like it's just me we were talking about being bad at being home alone yeah because usually it's us that are gone and then you can't handle yeah i was i meant to tell you that uh i would get scared that wherever I'm I live is haunted when my wife isn't home that's what that's where I go to hello because I think I hear something it's a house make a sound you're like it's so stupid I'm gonna go sleep with my dads you know or whatever yeah I gotta be around people I'm gonna go sleep in the park yeah with everybody else that got priced out uh of Denver not Trinidad Trinidad that's free

free to live there finally I can go at my dream home yeah you'd think people would flock there because it's free but yeah dude i i i've been doing i've been like i do i got home from the show last night like kind of late columbus columbus don't tell don't tell and you didn't and you didn't nobody was there and i didn't there was a bunch of people there too many probably they were all mad at me um but i got plowed into the crowd yeah i got i came in marty i came in marty style and i fished hailed and knocked a lady out of her seat um and then i let my dog poop in there I let my dog just come in and poop and pee wherever it wants, Marty style. But I, I, um,

it's a good move. Yeah. Now, I mean, you know what? That's really true of Marty. He really is the boss because that guy will just, that guy will just fully let his dog poop and pee and then be like,

somebody will clean it up. I got shit I got going on. Got rocks. On to the next one. He's number one in my book and in my heart. I love him so much. um what what i was saying was when i'm home alone i'm like i'm trying to be like i'm desperately miss my girl i love my girlfriend dude it sucks oh and this is new this is new to you

to miss the lady as opposed to enjoying the oh yeah i used to i mean the alone time or whatever yeah previous times i'd shut the door and be like oh you know i'd be like singing and showering and pull my butt out and so now i'm like farting in a bowl yeah farting in open bowl water gobs style and now I'm just like walking around like I guess I'll make peanut butter bars you know what I mean yeah like can I watch this movie without her right yeah you probably not no I'm like catch up on task already oh how is that it's fine it's not mayor it's not mayor of easton that was good um mayor was good no I forget what happened in mayor hmm what's her name Kate winslet yeah bumping around yeah yeah but I forget she's a cop or whatever ankle chasing

the guy. Yep. And I thought, what was the crime? The ankle got real infected. Oh, the girl, the girl, did it?

It was, no, I just, that's the whole show. Yeah. She was supposed to investigate a murder, but she hurt her ankle real bad. So a lot of it's,

a lot of it's, a lot of it's, in the finale, she takes an antibiotic. And then the credits roll. And it's like, did she lose her foot? It's like,

nobody knows. There's a clip hanger. Season two. Season two never came. It's going to come out in two years. They couldn't get Winslet to come to her ankle acting again. so yeah no season two of

no mayor of east town too we don't know if she kept the foot or not and yeah the doctor prescribed he also was like it looks like you might have osteoporosis

and it's like bum bum and then it was like starting kid wins like you're like well no so yeah that sucks man and I'm gonna miss that

I don't remember what happened a girl got killed for being pregnant in the woods where the kids party Is that Marevista? Yes. And then it linked up to like some sort of sex trafficking thing?

No? See, maybe I'm mixing up too. Okay. What the fuck? And I don't know if that's fair for you to just say I'll. No, I guess it's about who did it, not what happened, because what happened happens very early on. So never mind.

You're in the clear. And well, we talked about the ankle thing, which is a big part of it. So that's a big spoiler. Yeah, she jumped that fence chasing that guy. And she was like, ah, fuck. My fucking ankle. My fucking ankle. fucking fuck. Too much cussing.

Too much cussing in that show. And her mom is in there being rude. Isn't she played by the Loras Banks? What's her name? Elizabeth Leachman. I'm not sure. She's played mayor of Easttown mom, actress now. M-A-R-E.

Saying that. Mayor of East, no. It's not mayor. M-A-R-E. It came up. They know. You're not the first person to blow it. That's for sure.

Who's the mother in Mayor of Easttown? um jean smart jean smart will you click that she was good oh she's hacks yeah okay hax she's the hack and hacks yeah i love that lady x is fun yeah um also i can't watch hacks why because because it's woman comedy i'm kidding no it's because it's because um old lady comedian it's because i like it but it just kind of plods along in a way where i'm like it doesn't keep me interested for that long i think

makes me fall asleep immediately Daska? It's supposed to be crazy It's crazy. Gritty, everything's Everything's dust. Everybody looks like a statue because of all the dust. They're all from Pennsylvania so they all talk crazy. Oh, and they make you tie-tie. They're like, I'm not going to rob this house with you if you're going to act all weird.

And you're like, what is this show? Nobody's ever pulled off these accents like this. The guy's like, where's the fucking money, Ricky? You're being a damn dick. And you're like, you don't know watching these guys. You, you hear that talk a lot. People, they come this way, come through SINC, they never, they don't dare. No, that accent.

Yeah, sometimes you'll hear it. Yeah. But not, it's, it ain't that. What about this? It's that prevalent. Is Ohio the Midwest? Yeah, it's Cincinnati the Midwest. Ohio is, yeah.

Yeah. But see, Chad Daniels, he always likes to fucking shoot his mouth off by saying that it's on the Eastern, Eastern Time Zone. He's like, so you guys are. part of it to him. That's part of it to him, which that does make sense. But then he says he's from Minnesota and he's like, he's from the Midwest. And I would argue

he's from the mid north. Great Lakes is separate or something. Right. Some people think that. I only ask. I would say we're the Middle East. Really? Yeah. You're no mansland. Yeah. This is Gaza. Yeah. It's fucked up. You guys have a lot of

rebuilding to do. And I'm hungry. There's no food. the reason I asked is because I think it was the first show Thursday night. I have camo lund hats that have been selling more than the other colors that I've made. So I mostly brought the camo. And this dude was like, Camo, all right. Yeah, those probably sell pretty good in the Midwest. And I was like, well, yeah, aren't we?

Aren't we standing in the Midwest right now? And he was like, no, I was not the Midwest. I was like, all right, buddy, you're the boss. Why don't you throw up the map of the Midwest? I was surprised. Type in map of Midwest and hit images on that for Papa. And we're going to put that up in the back because Ohio is in the Midwest. I would think so, but maybe it's Great Lakes.

No, because it goes as far as. Oh, well, yeah, it looks like we're right. Yeah, we're right on the ad say. Oh, now that's interesting because this map says the kind of sort of would include Nebraska and South Dakota, North Dakota. And I thought they were pretty solidly part of it. I just don't understand how that's the Midwest. I don't understand it being called the Midwest.

Are they splitting it up by, no, no, it's not even really the middle. Oh, the north? It's the east. Is this like Minnesota? Where is it at? Those are the Dakotas. Go right. That's Minnesota.

Yes, that's Minnesota. So hard, not a hard. hard MW for Minnesota according to this one map anyway it's like Michigan and Illinois I get it Wisconsin yes Ohio for sure Indiana for sure

but like I don't know man it doesn't seem like it's even the middle of the map the middle of the map seems like Colorado and the Dakotas well Midwest it's the old Wyoming like before like Continental Railroad we were the Midwest

you know the west Uh, before westward expansion, you think that's part of it? Yeah. Is that we didn't know about all the other great parts of America to the left. I've always said this kind of thing. You can change it. And it's loose like that, you know, uh, there's a little discussion around it. See, it's always, oh, that's Ohio Missouri River too.

I also heard it's, it's what cradles that. So we're, that's what. That's what wrong. Well, damn, this one says something else. I've heard Cincinnati called the southernmost north. yeah you know it's like because we were where Cincinnati Ohio is where that was pretty much the cutoff for the underground railroad if you made it if you made it to Cincinnati you were good yeah because you were out of the south so they call us the southernmost north or the northern

most south or whatever because it is like as soon as you got over the Kentucky line and you cross the Ohio River you were good and Cincinnati is right there on that line yeah Cincinnati was like hey come on in yeah i made some biscuits come on in yeah and it wasn't a trick yeah yeah no no no trick come on yeah no i sound i came from the south but now i live in cincinnasty and now yeah i mean the the since the nasty since my mama had asked me uh since uh and that's also so crazy is i do joke about that but i'm always like it's so crazy that i kind of i sound pretty ohio sometimes like sometimes i'll be like why don't you grab that And it's like, where'd that come from?

You know what I mean? Ohio. But like, people from Kentucky legitimately are like, oh, I mean, you can't come over there don't I mean. You're like, what the fuck? Everything they say sounds like Camp Skada Boat. Yeah. Got it owned a Camp Skad Boat.

I've been born and raised in Newport, Kentucky. It's like a ghost. My dad was a cigarette. My mama was a lantern. Yeah. A woman in Kentucky. So I've asked people about their pets. And I literally am hoping for something.

interesting. After, uh, dogs, riff on dogs, cats, riff on cats. And then anything crazy just in case. And it's always a letdown. And I literally have gotten to saying, I'm just hoping that somebody says they had a monkey or an alligator, you know, something cool. Instead of a fucking turtle, everybody yells out turtle like I'm going to be the turtle stoked. Oh, great. Did it know karate? The slowest one. The worst one. It eats lettuce and nothing else, you know. Yeah. It doesn't make a sound. Uh, yeah. Tell me more. Not sometimes you have heard that video of them busting.

Yeah, yeah. A turtle will be like, that's it, though. Only if they're busts. Otherwise, they're yawning. Otherwise, they're bored and boring. But yeah, I said that, I think that was Friday. I said, I was hoping to hear somebody had an alligator or a monkey.

And a woman said, I had both. And I was like, boo-ya. It was crazy. Which one rode? Which one? I think they were friends. Imagine if the alligator rode the head on shoulders. Yeah.

Yeah. The alligator stands up on its hinders. Oh, like they're trying to sneak into a movie. Alligator's shoulders. Yeah. Like they're going to turn to stout. Not a room,

not a cat on a room. See, I'm wanting alligator to ride on a monkey's back and the monkey take off on the stairs. That's what I want to see. The tail would be dragged out of it. Yeah. Welcome to alligator backpack.

Ooh, that's our new cast name. Type it into you can see if anybody's got it. uh yeah she did not disappoints that her dad was crazy obviously like sold tons of you know what get bushels of weed and moonshine and what these guys got to be crazy oh it was nuts he was a character and so i mean obviously so that comes with and she goes it's it's a cayman it was a cayman and a spider monkey no no he's from the cayman's no the alligator was a cayman alligator which are smaller spider monkey is a smaller monkey but still count it so she was still

two for two in my book yeah i mean you're living with something the monkey could let the alligator out yeah if the monkey got away if you're watching i don't know hollinois missing link stuff or what are you guys watching is it cake and um if you're sitting there and you're watching is it october is spooky for me and megan oh oh spooky stuff you'll watch is a cake spooky edition you're like oh yeah i'm scared it's like nope with cake um but what I'm saying is you watch an episode of the cake and then you kind of start dozing off

a little bit you're gone off that digital sense of Amelia and then you kind of start do doze a little bit and the monkey's like ooh I'm bored you know what I can do I'd go let my pet out to get it right and you wake up you got a gaming bite in your neck or whatever he's a little guy so I think you'd have to be a deep

sleeper to get got by your cane by your camin uh yeah he could clap that right angle yeah then you'd then dude You know what's fucked up? If a gaman, if he bit your nose off and took it with him, you would have to get a new nose, okay?

Unless you wanted to go skeletor style in public. Leave it. Yeah. Leave it. Leaving it is crazy. Just a hole. You're like, what's up? You guys want to know what I look like when I'm dead?

So you'd have to get a new nose, okay? Except for Halloween time. Maybe get a popable, snappable. Yeah. But what are you going for? Are you going for trying to recreate your same nose? Are you going to go get a new one? dream nose dream right you should you earned it you sell a ton of you're a negligent alligator

parent the real deal sensamilia and so you deserve a cool nose so what are you going with what about steve martin and roxan where it's real big but you can snap it off and put on a normal one when you want oh so you want to switch like a job interview well if you snap what's your job interview it's not roxan because roxan was super long i don't think i ever saw roxan i don't think i did either But I remember the nose. For some reason, he has a giant nose. I think I'm going with a big fatty. I've always had a little guy, you know.

Yours is pretty good, huh? Yeah, but I've always had a little nose, dude. I've had like a little kid nose. My little chode. Yeah, it's kind of a little chode of a nose. It's kind of thick. I'm trying to get a fucking honk, like a guy that drinks, you know? Oh, gin blossom.

Yeah. Jim blossoms. Oh, jim blossoms. What'd you say? Bulbous. Bulbous. Yeah, I'm trying to get a bulbous-ass-nose because I want to look kind of like like one of them

one of the what are they called nose model no not a nose model they're from Lord of the Rings the little mean guys Gimley's what are they called

what are those fucking guys called they live in the mountain dude they live in the mountain they're not trolls they live in the mountain and they love gold

leprecha don't say it they live in a mountain and they love gold type in Thor and Lord of the Rings is he's the king of the fucking dwarf Yeah, I want to be dwarf.

Dwarf nose. I take that back. I thought it was more whimsical than... Dwarf. Now I'm just saying dwarf sounds really horrible. I mean, Lord of the Rings, dwarf. Just, yeah, specific, fictional... Fictional dwarf knows.

Not a real guy with feelings. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a real guy who's married with feelings, yeah. Not the dinklman. With a whole ass life. With a whole life and a wife and probably children that love him. I don't mean like, oh, I want to.

dink dinglidge's nose Actually, I don't want dinklage's nose Yeah From being honest She's an handsome man Dinklage? Yeah I mean, I wouldn't put him

On the list of like Top 10 guys I'd fuck I think I would You want somebody big towering over you Making you scared Making you scared Yeah, Victor Wemba Yamba I want to get piped by Victor

Wemba Yamba is that his name Vinnie Wembe Yambi What's his name? Yeah, you're saying it right I think No Wemba Yama Victor. That sounded right.

Is it Victor? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you were curious about whether Victor was right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, no, you were, you were good. And then I said, it made me think you were thinking of someone else and I was like, I would like, I mean, but I'm not really, dude, I really, you know, I'm, I think I'm progressive in my thoughts, you know, but I don't think I want to get piped if I had to. Yeah, but if you had to, it would be someone.

I'd want somebody, I knew had a little. little weiner. I think danglid just packed. You were going with one bunyama. I think that guy's too big to have a big weaner. Oh, come on. I do. I think Shaq's probably got a regular size wiener. No. Yeah. No way. Yeah, that's my subway take. As a matter of fact.

I used to think I used to try to think about what I would do. And you know what? I only want to make some money in this life enough money to pay Shaq for him to send me a picture of his soft penis. I don't even want him getting hard. I just want to see wiener one time.

And you know what? You know what? I'll say to Shaq. I'll say to this. Can we put this in your will? When at your funeral, I get time with your body. I just get to pull your pants down and look at your wiener. I'm not going to do.

Somebody can watch me to make sure I'm not like a psychopath or whatever. Because I don't think I can be friends with Shaq for long enough to garner enough trust for him to just look at me and be like, you can look at my dick when I die. So I think I got to be like, listen, dude. I know this is a weird thing. I'm sick. That's what I'll say. My ankle's fucked.

My ankle's fucked. I got East Town ankle, okay? So I don't know if I'm going to keep it or it's going to go. I just need to see it, man. The doctor said it was cool. The doctor said it was cool, man. I asked. He's like, what's the doctor?

And you're like, my doctor. What about this? What about this? I dress up like a doctor, okay? I go in, I say, Shaq, I'm your new doctor. I'm Sean Jambalaya or whatever, you know. Yeah, yeah, my brother Victor, he plays. And then I go up and I say, yeah, you were in the league too, weren't you?

And then I go, well, all right, time for you to turn your head and cough. Let me see that thing. And then as soon as I get down there, I put on my ray bands with the camera. Yeah. And then I get my treasure. Yeah, you put on Raybans, sunglasses, and that tips him off. But he's like, well, he's a doctor, I trust him. No, Shaq would be like, this doctor is cool as hell.

I'll be like, sorry, man, your penis is shiny or something, you know. I'll say, I got a condition. I'm a doctor. I'll make it up. I'll say, oh, I don't know the lights in here, bouncing off your penis skin is making me blind. I got to put these on. Sorry. But I really need to take a look at this big fucking hangar.

It probably is heavy, but I don't think it's big. Because I'll do all this skin had to go to the rest of him. That's not how it works. It might be. It certainly might be not. Massive, but I doubt it. I don't think it's massive. Everything else.

That's what you would think. But this man, no, there's never been a story that's come out about the sheer size of it. Do you know, you know, you know who's got a huge penis? He's on that. Okay. That's like a known thing in Hollywood. I guess James Wood is absolutely packing a cannon. Uncle Miltie, I guess he was packing an absolute fucking hammer.

You never hear people come out and be like, oh, fuck Shaq, he damn near killed me. you never because he dated that lady who right i remember that this picture is so crazy okay sure yeah will you put that okay that is one of the most insane pictures of all time number one it looks like it was taken under the water she's still walking around right yeah why is that so degraded she's still alive it's from like 2018 but it looked like it was from 99 but that's what i mean shack shack dude if he had sex with that woman in real life once which he did yeah if he was packing a hammer She'd be gone. This is when he was a professional athlete.

He would have ripped her asunder. He would have Macbeth her or whatever the hell. Look at that. Look at how big he is. That's what I want. Yeah. That's what I want the future to look like. There's got to be. Yeah, Shaq's wife, dude.

She's ex-wife. She never came out and was like, yeah, he was absolutely hammering me in the sack. That bastard. That's why I asked for an extra $30 million. He absolutely destroyed my gaucho. You know what I mean? He punched me. through the couch.

And then there's no stories of that. Yeah, but also maybe they're on good terms or the money involves, hey, don't talk about my wiener in any way. That's not... Hopefully he left her alone. Simone Biles. I don't like that. Wow. Take that off the street. That is

fucking scary. That is like look at this. Think about this when you sleep. Should you do the weather? You ever do the weather? No, we've never done the weather. Do you want to try her hand at doing the weather? raining it is raining do we want to do you want to get up and we'll do the weather i mean we should probably let people know what's going on okay ran yeah are you sick of edibles that taste like

lawn clippings and hit like chamomile tea dude i maybe you read my diary yeah i'm right there i'm under the bed putting down micro machines for you to step on watch out danis sturt well uh throw those in the trash because into cloud makes t hc that's legal delicious and actually does its job. Unlike Blake. So, yeah, get rid of the crap that you've got that tastes like grass. Done. I hate grass tasting edibles. Get that grass out of your mouth. Okay. It's gone. Looking for better sleep? Yeah. They've got a gummy for that. What? Is it melatonin? No. What is it? THC. What? You want a light social buzz?

Sure. Into cloud has got you covered easy. Okay. It's not even difficult. That's what's nice is that they do it with ease. That does sound nice, actually. No stress, just sensimilia. I hate being stressed.

I love to eat my sense amelia. Yeah, they are killing it. We got a bunch of their product before we started shouting them out. And yeah, it was all top-notch shiz. Got you buzzed, got you chilled. I was ready to watch Mayor of East Town all night I was dialed into that inky.

I bet now I don't want to say anything about In Cloud's product but I bet if Mayor of East Town would have had an edible, she wouldn't have hurt her ankle. Probably wouldn't have gotten as inflamed as swole. We don't know if that's true. No, of course we're not doctors. We're mailmen.

Well, I might be a doctor. Wait, we're saying stuff. I'm Shiguel O'Neill's doctor. We're saying stuff that isn't in the episode yet. If this goes in the middle, anyway, It doesn't matter. It's called a preview. It's foreshadowing. And you're going to have a shadow from Indy Cloud. Wait, no, the gummies don't produce smoke.

So that's not true. Unless you set them on fire or something. Put them in a skillet. Make them smoke. Put them in a skillet. Get some notebook paper in there. Yeah, you can make them smoke. But yeah, it's a hell of a product for sure.

Indic Cloud isn't just another cannabis brand. It's a fully legal online dispensary that's already moved enough product to impress Snoop himself. What? The Snoop man. Doggy man? Dog Snoop. Yeah.

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No, you got to bring that yourself you got to buy your own i think to shove in there all right but yeah chubbies is great i actually heard of chubbies i had some chubbies uh i had chubbies uh polo for golf i loved it yeah um yeah used to be uh i think they were concentrating on shorts and undies now they're doing it all and it's all uh quality stuff comfort uh style grace oh grace yeah it literally makes you more graceful that see i didn't notice that out on the golf course my swing had some grace in it. Yeah, you didn't look just like an animal.

Yeah, it didn't look like a piece of shit out there. It looked like a damn artist. You looked like a talented star that was shining brightly. Mm-hmm. Got travel plans ahead? I'll bet you do. I bet I do. You're going somewhere fast.

Yeah, I'm going somewhere up right to the top. Straight to hell. Oh, yeah. Oh, or to bottom. Yeah, I was thinking hell. You're thinking the top. Well, either way. The top of hell.

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well let's just look out the window first so we're not full of shit I haven't heard any thunder and lightning that's true so maybe that's uh oh we lost the light no that's okay he's just doing something on the fly do we still need to be aware of that okay here we go what's up Cincinnati

uh this is claw behemoth what were we calling it uh chubby claw Behemoth Machine, I think, was the winner. Hey, what's up this? Just taking it again, even though we're going to keep it all in here. Keep it. What's up, Cincinnati? We need a clean.

We want it clean, so go ahead. We want it clean. Cincinnati, Ohio weather brought to you by Behemoth Machine. Lund is pointing now with a correspondent, Nathan Lund. Nathan Lund, why don't you take it away and give your version of the weather? Well, it was heavenly Thursday, Friday here in Cincinnati. northeast of Cincinnati proper. So we're getting a little improper

out here in the suburbs. But today, it turned a little chilly and it's been raining. And that's going to continue tomorrow. And then Monday, Tuesday, rain is illegal. You guys voted on it. And I guess it passed. So no more rain. It's not allowed.

I think there's going to be a lot of coverings in the sky, drones that have tarps that prevent rain from falling. And if a single drop hits, I think city manager gets put in jail. Nice. So that's nuts. Finally, that's good. I love to hear that.

You said something about Chile. And when it comes to Cincinnati, you go either Skyline or Gold Star. You're here at Go Bananas all week. What do you go with Skyline or Gold Star? Take it away. I didn't have either of them. Oh, you've had it before. Take it away.

I remember enjoying Skyline, I think, pretty good. And that's one more vote for Skyline. But I don't remember if I had the other one. And that's not. Golden Star. Is that what you said? Just gold star. Gold star.

You never heard a gold star? I don't think so. It's like, okay, here's the difference. Skylight chili, you get there. It's a little dinery experience. We went. I think we went to a skylight. Me and you went.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's just a diner experience. Gold Star, you go in there and it's like, it's got a little bit of an edge where you go in there and they'll be like, hey, don't sit at that table. There's a rusty nail. And you're like, oh, okay. And they're like, come sit up at the bar with me.

Let me tell you a story about how I used to turn chili into hooch. Let me tell you about the war. Yeah. And he's like, you wouldn't know, I lost my fucking kneecap. And you're like, how'd you do it, Charlie? He's like the jelly wars, right? So the goat starts got, and they'll give you a bud light there, too. If you drink, they'll be like, we got beers.

I don't, but I can watch you drink because you're back. No, I'm bad. You got the thirst. Yeah, I'm back with the, or just weddings. You only drink at weddings and it's real sloppy every time. I think I'm only going to drink special occasions. It wasn't that sloppy. Oh, okay.

I'll save you that video of me breaking the plate over my head. you throw that up there. It's two seconds long. I'll send it to you. But yeah, no, dude, I'm not, I'm not slopping out. I had the thirst for one Eve, and now I celebrated my friend's union. I wasn't even really hung over. Nice.

Would you drink a bunch of BLs? No, I had, no, Bud Light has corn syrup in it. Bay breeze? I had, like, this is going to sound so crazy. I had a glass of red wine, and then. Not crazy. And then I drank eight Nigerian beers. Which one?

I don't know. I couldn't read the label. Huh. But I was so drunk. And Nigerian, was it all Nigerian options at Carl's wedding? I asked for a Stella, and this person gave me a Nigerian beer. And they were like, that's the same thing.

And I was like, okay. And then I just continued drinking those at the bar afterwards. And we were having fun. It was nice. It was a brisk night. Everybody was laughing. I did break a plastic plate over my head and kind of freak some people out. It wasn't plastic, was it?

It was plastic. How did it break like that? I just knew how to smell. mash it the correct way. No. Had you done it before? No, the first time it whipped around and didn't break, but I heard it crack, and then I took another one and fully broke it. Wow.

Yeah, they were, what do they call it in wrestling? Gimmicked plates. Yeah. They looked perfect. Yeah, no. It looked like a fake plate, and I was like, oh, a comedian wedding. Maybe there were some fake plates. There's a comedian wedding.

I'm going to have sugar glass. So after everybody takes a drink, they can break it over each other's fucking heads. That's a good idea. Yeah, everything will be sugar glass. Every plate will be fake. Every bride and every love will be real. Fuck. Do we still have the weather behind us?

This is a, this is a problem. We have whatever we want. Yeah, that's true. I like standing. Gov never wants to stand with me. I mean, stand up comic. He screams my bursitis. Podcasting, you have to sit, stand up, you have to stand.

But who says you can't flip them? Can I ask you this podcast, I like when you guys lay in bed. Oh, yeah. we, well, I mean, what can you do? I like it. I think it is, I mean, it's out of necessity. It's not like we can go rent a space everywhere we go. Yeah.

So, we sit on the edge of the bed. We could sit on the edge of the bed, but, you know, we're tight time. Me and God we've done a bad guess before. Yeah, yeah. It's just, it's right there. And yeah, I think the, the crazier thing is laying down versus trying to at least, I usually try to sit up against the headboard. He will lay down. He'll be just ahead. He'll be asleep. He fell asleep once. No, he doesn't. He does a good job. I think God fell asleep on one of

the ransom wars, actually. Oh. It really do. For how long? Like, I think I just kind of let him be. Just let him be. Yeah. He had a nightmare. Yeah. He had a night terror on the cast. First recorded night terror since his sleep study. Yeah, he couldn't move. Yeah. He had a paralysis sleeper and I'm up there like and I would kill myself for a bowl of ice crispy treats or whatever the fuck and he's up there he's up there in his own fucking terrified world you don't look at him for like 12 minutes sometimes I'll do this fucking sit in the chair and I'll be behind him and I'll be like what if Eminem was was was Arabic or whatever you know what I mean and he just like he's like you know he doesn't even see me back he doesn't really see me a lot man no

you do, bro. Do you like doing a podcast with Sam or do you want to quit them both and do our own? That'd be cool. No, I have missed seeing Sam. This is the third weekend without being with Sam because I had the wedding and he had Big Diamond Festival in Arkansas. Oh, yeah. And then last weekend I had a music festival that had comedy in Trinidad and I wanted to be a part

of that. It was the first one. Can you make it keep going? Can you make it look like we're standing on a show? street corner. Yeah. Trinidad, Colorado. So I was there last weekend, a part of the Fancy Spider Festival, and that was great.

And then this weekend. So, yeah, we have not. And Sam wanted to just kind of take care of the episodes, uh, himself with Becker and, and a guest instead of trying to do the remote thing. Yeah. People hate the Zoom. It's harder, but the timings are that, well, yeah, that and internet, all The internet connections have to be good, whatever.

So we skipped, we skipped all of those headaches the last couple of weeks. And next weekend, we'll be together and I'm excited. Because I do like doing it. I used to visibly, obviously not enjoy it often. But that was when I was like bartending and Sam would be like, I have to record at 9 a.m. on Wednesday. And I was like, perfect. I'll sleep from 4 to 8.30 and then be ready to be funny for an hour. But that was long ago.

And mostly, yeah, we're in bed. I want a bartending. I want a bartend. Nah, it's annoying. Yeah, it probably sucks now. It was because it was fine. People are like, you've got to give all your tips through the iPad. It's like, remember when people used to have custody battles in places like this? You guys are like, oh, but now did you make sure, did you make sure you gave the iPad back to the kitchen so they knew how much cornbread was left?

It's like, why don't you just, won't you fight me? We didn't, I didn't have to deal with that. Didn't have to deal with like a corporate kind of thing like that. yeah it sucks man there used to be back in my day there was a time where you could bartending someone would hand you paper money yeah yeah you say thank you there oh no see so yeah in trinidad this was like an older crowd a lot of the time so they'd like pay with cash and then leave it on the bar and it's like are you do you want and then they they don't hand you money for the next round so you have to like oh subtract you want me to do you want me to take this

for you yeah like you don't want to hand this to me just take it out of this right I'd always hit him with all the construction guys would come in and put like a 20 and I'd be like doink doink take it out of this annoying and you're giving me three bucks dumb yeah a lot a lot of that so yeah for the most part it was fine and and to work for two people that I'm friends with made it better to work Tuesday and Wednesday instead of the weekends we closed that 11 so it wasn't like most people aren't getting shitty sloppy Tuesday Wednesday but still people can be annoying oh I wanted less ice oh can you pour it strong you know it's like i've never talked to you in my life i'm going to hook you up yeah and fuck over my friends that are the owners of this place yeah and i always be like

you can get a double if you want like no no no and i was like oh yeah you just wanted you wanted money for nothing yeah you just wanted free you know what though man just wanted to rob my friends you know what man i say rob them i'd give them their address i'd go to their house you know you want to take money out of their pocket if the guy's vibe is cool I'll be like Take it. Here you go, compadre. Or, you know, people. Take the bottle.

Get the fuck out of here. Wreck your car. We had a couple real geniuses who thought, oh, yeah, I get a Long Island iced tea because It's more booze. Yes. And some of them actually, I think, would believe that it's like supposed to be a shot of each. And it's not. It never was.

It's so crazy. It's supposed to add up to about a shot. But it's hard. Yes. Or, you know, like an ounce and a half. Yeah, like, I mean, then that's different depending on where you go. But I think most of the time, you're not. trying to really give them a full

pour of anything. But it's hard to nail that. So, yeah, they think that they're game in the system. Meanwhile, they're drinking eight liquors at once and then puking. And then they're, they're a tummy ache. And they're like, why do I have a D-Y? But you know what's

crazy? Is I've been watching old episodes of Blind date? Remember that show? Yeah, yeah. And they just popped up on my YouTube algorithm. I think it's because I was watching I think it's because I was watching like old uh oh cops kept popping up and dude cops is so depressing if you watch it now because i you know whatever but they arrest people anybody and dude they anybody they'll pull out their pocket and i mean the littlest nugget of gray weed you know what i mean and the cops are

like whoa busted busted hey asshole you want to tell us what else is in the fucking car. Hey, Noriega. Let's beat the shit out of this guy. Because it's like in the 90s, dude. And so they're like just, and it's like, it's in like California. Let me dent that head for you. Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's in California. He's like, you want to tell me what your friend threw out the window? And then go back on the highway. It's like the littleest blunt rap. And he's like, oh, whoa. Yeah. Get ready to get fucked in your asshole in prison. It's so crazy.

dude. Don't drop the soap because they slam the door. Some places it has not changed. So crazy, dude. And you're still doing a hard time for a little, for a little green like Coke and like

two pounds of wheat. And the guy was like, he was like had long hair. The cop was scared. The cop was like, yeah, the cop would just gun on it. On the weed. The guy's,

the weed's got a gun. If I smoked that much wheat, I'd get so scared. He's like, if I put a little powder in this tube and I crack it, it turns blue, you're going to jail. And the guy's just handcuffed and he's just like, it won't. And the cop's just like, blue? And the guy's like, fuck. I was like, dude, this show's too depressing, man. It's not good.

Yeah, no, I stop. Sam sometimes, you know, cops is on late every night. Of course. In the hotel. And so it's always there. And sometimes he wants it. But yeah, usually I don't enjoy it because a lot of times it is, you know why we're here. And it's like the 12th time that the guys either doesn't have a license because he can't get it,

but he has a job or whatever, two hours away, you know, whatever. There's some sad shit. Yeah, there's some sad ones on there. Where it's like, yeah, you're going to go away now. And then a lot of times, yeah, the cop isn't stoked. Like you said, with drugs, a lot of times they are like fucking acting like they're saving people. Or they'll get like from a young white kid and a young black kid and a young white girl. it looked like in a car and they had a joint and I think like the young black kid ate it and the

cops had him like handcuffed on the thing and that they just putting a glove on the white kid is in the back of the car because you know he was driving and they smelled weed on him so he's arrested the girl's freaking out and the cop just looked at the black kid and he was like I will put on a pair of gloves and I will put my fingers in your throat and it's just he's like just tell me if you ate it And the kid's like, I didn't eat it. And nothing happened to him, which was actually pretty sick. I was like, damn, that still holds up. He called the cops bluff.

Yeah, he was like, I didn't eat. And the cops like, okay. And then the girl got arrested. And her mom came down. I was like, this sucks. She burped and smoke came out. And they're like, get her. Yeah, she's like, whoa, get your contact off that fart.

Like, sensimile with a fucking baton. Yeah. That shit sucks, man. I mean, whatever, dude. Copsack so weird. It's weird to watch people get got, who a lot of times they don't deserve it, or they're doing normal shit, and they're like, come on, man. I just had a, I just had a join in here from, like, a year ago.

Yeah, they'll bust like a dude in, like, ratty pants sitting in a park for having a beer. It's like, leave that motherfucker alone. Yeah, I can't wait to get the shit beat out of me even more than life already has. Yeah, that's cool. A cool guy in a button I'm sure is kicking the gym. out of me for drinking a beer in the park. Yeah, no, I got, I got over that a while back. Yeah.

So, yeah, we don't normally. I'm, I mostly just want almost any movie over any show in the hotel room because I can't stand commercials. Oh, yeah. The, the, the, the TV ones, especially YouTube, you watch a couple. It's a little less, but on TV, they're like, here's nine minutes of commercials. I hope you love them. They're mostly for old people.

TV's got crazy. Phil's life insurance. And it's like, I can't handle it. it i used to i grew up watching so much tv but and and there's more of them now i think there's more ads or like late at night they fuck you they shave a couple more minutes off late at night fuck you're trying to watch everybody loves raymond and it's like a five minute show six it's a six minutes there's two scenes now in everybody loves raymond the setup and then the hug at the end and the middle's just gone yeah the middle's just ads for fucking coins or what

James. Coins and shit. You're watching King of Queens. You're like, what the fuck is Kevin James? He wasn't even in that one. How did they cut around? Oh my God. How they cut around Doug?

Fucking Doug. Do you Everton. Dude, I'll watch that. If that comes on, sometimes Arthur Spooner all hit a fucking absolute moon shot, dude. I forget I was in a hotel. I was in a hotel and Arthur Spooner's up there like, Douglas, will you pay? me the cats up and uh you know kevin james wants to be a hard ass to arthur spooner and he's like it's

called ketchup in this house arthur and he's like douglas i need the cats up for my cheeseburger you know and they go back and forth a couple times and he's like how about i give it to you and then he starts putting it on the burger he's like say ketchup and he won't do it so he just pours a bunch of ketchup on his cheeseburger yeah you know that's good spooner's like serenita or whatever And I'm like, He's crossing over. I would be, if I were an actor,

I would try to slip in old, like everybody loved you from something else. Get it in the new shit. Yeah, dude. Do a little line. Just be like, Hey, remember that guy?

Yeah, like he just, you go and he goes in the basement and he's calling Morty Seinfeld. You know what I mean? He's like, we're going to be in the pool. We're going to be in the clubhouse.

We're going to be all over that shovel board caught. And then they're like, oh shit, that's from Seinfeld. Right. You audition and it's like, hey, you can hire any of these guys and you're going to get one guy. You hire me. You get everybody I've ever been. That's true. That's true. You pretty much get everybody. What do you want? Yeah. You're going to get them. You're going to, well, with ours or with Jerry Stiller, you're just going to get the same guy. You've got a couple guys. He's going to get the same guy. And he's wearing the same clothes. I mean, he doesn't even switch his clothes. Oh, I guess you get the Zoolander version of him where he's like, oh, yeah, sure. Hollywood. Yeah. Hollywood agent. You get him in that.

To the stars. The greatest range would be like if you got to, if Daniel Day Lewis would have guessed it on, on King of Queens. Yeah. Because then you get Daniel playing. Then you just watch him. You just watch that. Then he's the king for an episode. He's like, I've abandoned my child.

Yeah. That's how he comes in. You're like, damn, we know that. That's blood. The episode fades in. Dugs at a diner eating, drinking a milk. shake. Yeah. And then Plainview comes in. It's like, holy shit. Here we go. Oh, he comes in in characters. This is a good one. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, I mean, this is the one where Doug

meets Daniel Playview. Actually, dude, this show would actually rock. Yeah, yeah. If we created a TV show where we're two, we're two male men, let's say, kind of a Doug Heffern in adjacent. You know, we're two male men. Different. Different enough. We're two male men. They gave us a route to get. You know what this is what I wanted to bring up. Old movies and old TV shows, they would have a premise that isn't really real. It's close, but it's not really real. Like,

what the fuck is a pet detective? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like, that's not real, but they presented it as a real job that this one fucking weirdo had, right? So it would just be a mailman that they gave a tandem route to. Right? Because we both have ADD. Or like cops, you know,

used to be there's always one. Now there's usually two. Yeah. So yeah, we, in this world the post office is fully funded yeah and everybody loves mail so everybody gets to you're the driver and on the letter drop it garbage truck yeah yeah we live in a in a nice neighborhood that takes care of its constituents sure and so you get two male people nailing we have a celebrity we're killing uh playing new to the neighborhood yeah yeah so like you yeah we're in there we're having a milkshake we got a couple of lines funny back and forth and then all of a sudden a guy sticks his finger and he's like,

Andrekeleuk, for no reason. And you're like, holy shit, that was Daniel Day Lewis. You know what I mean? What the fuck? Right.

He's in this? And he's only, and then at the end, you know, you give him top billing starring Daniel Day Lewis, fucking Nathan Lund, Rand Barclough,

whatever. But Daniel Day Lewis is in the episode. How much do you think he charges? Be like, just come in his Daniel plane view for two seconds, oh yeah, please.

I mean, you're that serious about this shit? You're shooting in LA and he lives in L.A. No, he's probably in England. Like Vienna or whatever. You got to go to him. Yeah.

Or green screen. What do you mean? The milkshakes fake. Daniel Day Lewis is fake. I mean, everything's edited together. So he's in front of a green screen in England. We react, holy shit. But then we wouldn't get to meet him.

Yeah, but see, I'm trying to do this TV show. I'm thinking it's on CBS to meet people like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would gossip to come in wet and pick me up and kiss me, you know. Like the notebook or whatever. I want to do that. He kisses me. Yeah.

And then like maybe we'll get a magic mic situation for you, Chanty Taney Tain. He puts a wiener in your face like you've always wanted or something. Or Shaq. Yeah. We could have. Shack. That's how we get to see it. Well, wait.

Well, we're male. We're mailmen. But we pretend to be doctors to see Shaq stick. This is what we need to do. Okay. This is an idea. We need to get famous enough with this show where we can start having celebrity cameos. I'm thinking put it on HBO or something.

And then we tell Shaq, hey, Shaq. We need to do this thing where we run. by and you're naked in your house. Will you? Will you do it? And then Shaq will be like, I'll think about it. We'll be like, well, we won't show your wiener, but you do need to be naked. So you need to put one of those cock socks on you, right?

And he'd be like, oh, okay. And be like, so it's just kind of from far away, but it needs to show that you're naked. Oh, all right. And we have an intimacy coordinator come in, okay? And he's like, oh, yeah. And just holler when you're naked, I'll come in and bring in the sock, right? And so with Jack's naked.

You're going on in here because he's a professional athlete. He's been naked in front of man a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need to find one of his ex-teammates and find out what he looked like in the locker room. That's what we need. We don't need to go through all this. We don't need CBS. We don't need to swindle Shack in real life to see his Wiener.

We don't need a whole show. Because we're also going to see his Wiener when he's old. I wouldn't know how his Wiener was when he was player. Yeah. Yeah. How his Wiener did before? I think you said earlier you would go to his, you wanted him to sign.

Saying it the worst way. You could see it at his funeral. I wouldn't know how Shack's when he was young. LSU. No. No. Pass that magic. Okay.

19, 20. I don't want to be a pedophile to see Checks Wiener. I wouldn't just see it regular stuff. You were saying that as funeral, which I think maybe before, not during the service. I was saying, no, not during the service. You were saying night before. Night before the mortician lets me in. I sneak in a funeral home.

You know, the mortician, I walk up. I go, hey, the mortgians is like, well, you're here to see the body of Shaquille, you know. And I assume that's how he talks. There's a whole line of people that want to give them 20. I'm like, damn, how many people are looking at his dick? He's like, $35, you can fuck him. You can fuck him up the ass. All the Golden State Warriors are here.

All the 1995-Chicago Bulls are lined up. A lot of Sacramento Kings would want to get revenge for the early 2000s. Michael Jordan probably want to take a crack at him just because he's, you know, he's super fucking competitive. He's like, yeah, but you never fuck me up the ass, you know, because Michael Jordan had to win or whatever. he's evil I think Every time you say he's wearing red Yeah Goes who else

The devil No dude I think I don't think Michael Jordan's evil But he might be He's a candidate for it He's smoking cigars wearing red Gambling A lot of gambling

Gambling smoking cigars wearing red I did some gambling today And I think I want a couple books He might have sold his soul for that jumper You did? Yeah A couple Hyundai Nah well maybe

We'll see that's our boy got to wait for these later games yeah michael jordash might be evil say his name wrong he came up with the jeans um shoes and jeans that's a lot of money because everybody wear everybody would wear everybody loves pants shirts and he had you covered not head to toe though because yeah he didn't go above the waist but he used to wear a kangle which to me is a nasty man did he would he black black kangle yeah like He'd be like, where's my beautiful red hat? Where's my devil's kangol?

There's my beautiful ass hat. A little cherry on top this outfit. Do you drive a Corvetti with smoke cigars? Do you want to promote anything before we go? I want to promote love. Love. I want to promote being nice to people when you see them. I want to promote friendship.

I want to promote Swapcast. I don't want to promote Instagram or anything. I just want to promote. remote liking and subscribing shows that's what I meant by shows yeah sorry that's usually a good like a live show that you got some shows no no like a live show that you got coming up that you're excited about every Tuesday every Tuesday at Commonwealth yeah oh every week every week how do you like that I hate it it's a lot that's a lot of pressure I wish it would stop nobody's ever comes there's pressure to be like this is fun because it feels safe right and you and you're not worried

about the reactions and getting everybody live. When me and Blake get on stage. You like it, yeah. When me and Blake get on stage, I love performing. I love doing, I was thinking about taking an improv. I'm not even kidding. I kind of want to learn all aspects of it. I want to take an acting class this year. I really do. I want to take an acting class

to do the Misenor or whatever the fuck. I want to do an acting class. I want to do like, I want to learn about all kinds of performance. I got a mime thing I've been doing lately. I've been, dude, I cut my own dick off. I eat it. I poop it out. I throw it out a guy in the front row. And, um, dude, a guy, he sounds like you should teach the class.

No, dude, he flinched. I did it so good, he flinched. Yeah. I did, I did this thing. I pull out the fake scissors. I pull my wiener out, like, I pull my wiener out. And then I cut my wiener like that. Yeah.

A lady screamed. I did it on stage. I'll send you a video. I'll send you a video. You can drop it in. And then I cut. And then I cut. When I did the cut and I pulled, somebody went, no, you can hear it on the thing.

She screamed. I was, dude, I fully mined in a theater. Yeah. And then I said, that's, I said to the comic, that's how you do a theater. And people started laughing, right? I was like, really trying to do theater, okay? So I want to learn all that shit. So I'm promoting performance.

I'm promoting art, and I'm promoting the love of two men or women or two women. And I'm promoting, and I'm promoting happiness, and I'm promoting Chubby Hemeth and I'm promoting a claw machine. I'm promoting Gub. And I'm promoting, uh, I just, if you want to come see me, I guess I am promoting Instagram. Go to at Ram Barna Claw. There you go. And you can see me and Sam in Burlington, Vermont, Vermont comedy club next weekend. Oh, kill you host. Can you get to Vermont? Probably. All right. Hit up Sam. I've never been there. I want to go there so bad. I haven't been to Vermont either. I'm excited. Sam and I will be at the Comedy Works in Denver Thanksgiving weekend.

That's Wednesday, Friday, Saturday. And then I'm headlining Comedy Works for the first time that Sunday. November 30th. Yeah, I'm excited. November 40th. Coming home. That's the date that I was given. Oh, you're not headlining.

I didn't think about it. Wait, wait, November doesn't have 40? Nope. December does. December has 40. I was thinking of you're fucked up. No, November 30th. Oh, thank God.

Thank God. First, hopefully not a prank. booking. But I think it's real. It's a Sunday and it'll be a wonderful weekend. So please come out to that. And then Cisvis Brewing, you know about it. Minneapolis is December 26th and 27th. That fucking rocks. After Thanksgiving or after Christmas. That rocks, dude. It's going to be, that's when people go to the Twin Cities. It's right after Christmas. It's magical white Christmas. They're still there. It's absolutely gorgeous and glorious. Covered in snow. Hopefully, hopefully, 30 below.

It will be. It won't be 30 below. But we'll be inside. It doesn't get real, real cold up there until Janfeb. Okay. Yeah. So you're going to have, it's actually going to be pretty much. Mild.

Probably we're talking about maybe probably high 30s in Minnesota about that time. Because the barometric pressure comes down from the lakes and blows sideways. The shit barometer. And yeah. And I watched a Leahy YouTube best of last night. So I got Leahy brain. Thanks, dude. And I got Bubbles head.

I don't know.