Chubby Behemoth - Big Guitars

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Big guitars and NPC

Well, I think we should start it off this way. Hey, everyone. Thanks for tuning in. This is the official podcast of guys who still quote old school in conversation. Guys who do Cartman voice. Guys who just wish that their damn wives would respect their authority. Yeah, exactly. That's what we're looking for.

This is Chubby Behemoth. Hey, everyone. You knew what it was. With Sam and Nate. You knew what you got yourself involved in when you fucking opened that envelope that that uh that man in the suit dropped off at your minike job i'm sam a lot of people don't know that and that guy over there i'm nathan lund call me nate if you want if we've known each other for a little while i guess call him uh call him big fat baby penis we have we have too many nicknames already,

but I'll answer to anything at this point. Hey, Big Fat Baby Penis. Me, probably? Yeah? Alright. You know what he answers most to is the dinner bell. Ooh, that's when I come. He hops out of the walls like a ferret that was released into the wild.

This is me when I hear the dinner bell. I didn't know you could do that. I can do a lot of stuff. I'm a talented dude. Holy shit, I know you can make horse noise. That's a pretty good horse noise. That was excellent. I'm literally blown away.

That's been in your quiver of arrows this entire time. That was my closer from 05 to 07. You just say, hey, well, my ride's here. And you put your duster back on, like Bill Hicks' last special. I had a lot of respect for that closer. The sounds, the faces. It's so funny that Bill Hicks dressed like a cowboy at the end of his career and no one made fun of him.

Yeah, he had a weird Tex-Mex kind of... He was in London looking like The Undertaker in 1995. Like fringe, too, right? Like black and silver and then fringe. I can't think of specific outfits, but I've seen some where it's like, ooh, yeah, weird time, I guess. Wear the bandit, the big red bandit scarf. Yeah, he did. He had the bank robber, the bank robber bandana,

and he's up there like, God's an illusion trapped in your mind. And people are like, this is hilarious. Billy the Hicks. Yeah. I don't get it, dude. I'm glad he's dead. No, I'm kidding. He's dead.

No, I'm kidding. I will say that a lot of what he was doing sounds weird or, like, obvious now, but it wasn't as much then, so I think it was more profound when he was, you know, because he was coming up with all of the goofy, like, the way stand-up was in the 80s was very, like, either loud or silly. Well, yeah, his peers were like Jimmy Pineapple. And, like... Everybody had a gimmick or... Yeah, like Dan the Plumber Stanley.

He'd be up there and be like, you need to clean your pipes. And then Bill Hicks is like, the Federal Reserve System is the boot on all of our necks. People are like, whoa. But, yeah, I don't know. I guess, because you had Carlin and Pryor that were trying to be more than that, but a lot of it was garbage.

And so most comedy today is still garbage. Right. Believe it or not. Unfortunately, yeah. It doesn't just get more and more precise, and only the talented, unique people get rewarded. Oh, no, no. If you listen to comedians, no one's ever not funny.

Everyone crushes, everyone kills. Everyone's equal. It's a meritocracy, you know? Everything makes sense. Montreal still matters. We're not fucking foot soldiers of a fledgling industry, you know? We're not drowning in the ideals that were passed on to us from former failures. No, stand-up's going to live forever, brother.

I'm reading Lee Durkee's Last Taxi Driver, and the way he starts off his new sections of the book are with Bill Hicks quotes. And reading that shit could not be less funny. Like, written on the page. Right, yeah. You need a guy chain-sm smoking and wearing a cowboy hat for it to sell and he would do a lot of like mugging in between to kind of like a lot of mitch jones and maybe to preserve his own sanity he knew like man i gotta get a laugh out of him or else i'm not coming back or whatever yeah i gotta get back to the mall of america comedy club if i want to keep

espousing the death of god we gotta move more chili fries or else I'm never getting booked back in St. Paul again. He like quotes Nietzsche and then he goes and wiggles his double chin around. I watched that Letterman set that

didn't air. Because he said the N word? No, no. He didn't say it enough yeah yeah letterman wanted more for race baiting and less bait racing nobody cares it's fixed but it was i thought it was pretty good like he made fun of billy ray cyrus i think he said something about like killing billy ray cyrus or something and that was like the main reason letterman like didn't think it was that funny at the time and then when he aired it, he told the

story of how he regretted it after the fact. Yeah, once Libs pressured him? I don't know. No, I think he realized that... Once George Soros stepped in? I think it might have been what we were just saying, which is that it wasn't the typical beats of a late night set. It didn't have punchlines or laughlines

or anything. But it was good. It didn't have punchlines or laugh lines or anything. But it was good. It was righteous anger at how gross popular things were in the early 90s. And that hasn't gone away either. A lot of the most popular stuff is very dumb, base, easy, or whatever. Also, all that shit that people do now is based on that, you know? So it's like being anti-consumerism isn't punk rock, whereas it was, I guess, in 1988 when you're at the Cuyahoga Falls Funny Stop.

Speaking of punk rock, we're at the home of punk rock legend Jim Norris. Yeah. We're at Jim Norris' grave, actually. He's been dead for 35 years. The punk rock princess himself. But yeah, we're at Mut Norris' grave, actually. He's been dead for 35 years. The punk rock princess himself. But yeah, we're at Mutiny Information Cafe, one of my favorite places in the world.

You know, the world's pretty big. I haven't been to a lot of places. One's been to Red Robin and Taco John in Mutiny. So this place is like Paris to him. I'm a suburb kid. Well, I can say, thanks to you, that I have been to Paris and then that's the end of

my travels as far as anything abroad, anything very cool or whatever. A couple of abroads have traveled to see you. Yeah, but we broke a few hearts in Paris. Mostly Bobby's.

But yeah, man, I mean, I just think we need to bring back Cartman voice. That's the thing. It's from about 1996 to 2005. That was a fine way to communicate. You know, like that kind of doing Cartman voice let the world know that you were

a man of stature. You know, you were studied and learned. I felt like I knew a change was coming when the kids stopped doing the Cartman voice and started doing the Anchorman voice. It wasn't a good thing. It was bad for the world. They were pro-Iraq war.

If you were doing the Anchorman voice, they had weapons of mass destruction. That's the narrator voice. Not even Ron Burgundy I hated when people would hit me with Cartman voice and then like wait for me to laugh it's like oh okay this is your personality

doing the voice of a fat cartoon child cool stuff it must have been hard for all high school junior high principals and teachers to have to deal with South Park. Because all of a sudden, every single kid is telling them to suck their balls. It must have been... You were in junior high. I was a freshman in high school when South Park...

Like, 96? I mean, I was nine years old. I wasn't in junior high, Grandpa. I forget sometimes that we are five years apart, which means we would not have hung out until maybe college. I think you would have tried to hang out with me because you were a creep. You would have groomed me. You didn't know that I was a creep.

Yeah, you were a perv. You'd be bumming me Winston cigarettes. Like, hey, you ever seen a truck go fast? That was my pick-up line for a creep. Yeah, you were a perv. You'd be bumming me Winston cigarettes. Like, hey, you ever seen a truck go fast? That was my pick-up line for a while. You ever see a fast truck? Yeah. Pretty good. Remember that truck you had?

It wasn't like Pantera stuck in the... Can you only listen to Pantera in your truck? No, that was a choice. I think I might have told people. You did. Oh, yeah, the CD's stuck in there. I've tried like hell to get it out of there. No.

But I did want to blast a lot of Pantera. You only blasted Pantera. I think that we had hung out maybe three times, and we hadn't said more than four sentences, but we'd listen to that same Pantera album at least 12 times. Because you would drive me around or i'd drive you home because you were blackout drunk and gets your hype it does get you fired up man pantera loud is pretty good i used to listen to it on the way to the improv and then

i wondered why i would bomb and it's like you brought pantera energy to the suburb to a giant suburban room yeah where they only know only know the five biggest comics. And then they think that they're... I like when big comedy fans have listened to the four highest selling comedians. It's so funny the way that... You usually don't see that, I don't think, with music. If you love music, you seek out a lot of... At least within one or two genres.

Right, you dig a little deeper. You look for the stuff that kind of inspired the music you like. Yeah. But if you're a big comedy fan, you're like, man, I fucking love Jim Gaffigan, brother. Yeah. Or I like the people who are like, yeah, I like some of the more far out stuff. I like Mitch Hedberg. Yeah, well, yeah, when you started hearing Mitch, yeah, it's like, oh, who, like what college campus started spreading Mitch?

There was a time when I got brought to... I think it was UC Davis by the way. Or Santa Barbara. The banana slugs were big head heads. San Berdue. Hedberg heads. No, there was a time in like probably 06 or something. Again, I was in 9th grade. You were 12.

You were figuring it out. I was fingering it in. I got brought to this like... Police station. No, what were those like... They were kind of culty and they were kind of like business. Not the secret, but like kind of... It was like a networking group.

Oh, is it that thing that our friend got sucked into? Kind of. The brain bitch? Yeah. Kind of, but like 10 years before that. But it was... What's it called i i know i was just my brain was going the same place cornerstone apartments are boutique yeah uh

gentrified places around town i don't think it's that but something it is something like that this was something like that in like 06 in vegas and we the first exercise we had to do was write uh a name on a name tag of somebody that you admired and then you go around the room and you introduce yourself as that person i pitched picked mitch hedberg because i was a new comic he had died in 05 i think and so i just thought i'll get him out nobody knew who he was at all yeah everybody else had like jesus christ yeah or gandhi you know and it was like come on yeah one guy yeah musolini, hey, we should have listened. Just because he was speaking in Italian doesn't mean he didn't have some great ideas.

I think. I couldn't tell what he was saying. Yeah, I don't speak a lick of Italian, but the passion is what I liked. I like an orator. It was just a bunch of people. And I feel like that particular thing was a lot of pretty successful people networking and helping each other across real estate versus a chiropractor

or whatever. One guy just has the Beastie Boys written on it. I'm all three Beastie Boys. He's like, I'm both of the Beastie Boys. There were three. Well, not until later. Okay, I'm going to keep talking to you. One guy has the Hamburglar.

He's sold more burgers than Ronald, I i'll tell you that you need a good villain in order to have the hero shine greed is good you were in college so it was 1988 right as i said 2006 gordon gecko yeah gordon gecko yeah greed is good I think a lot of people heard that and they're like I'm just gonna use that as my only guiding light for the next 50 years oh yeah

that happened right I think so I mean I don't know I'm not a stock guy I am I am technically live stock actually

you would fetch a pretty solid price on the open market if they could find a saddle to fit in per pound yeah I can't go to Greeley a bunch of Latinos just keep following me around a pretty solid price on the open market. If they could find a saddle to fit in. Per pound.

I can't go to Greeley. A bunch of Latinos just keep following me around and sharpening knives. People just start throwing out numbers. I'll give you $1,500. For what? For the whole thing. Just the farrier service is following me around. You're going to need shoes for that thing. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Anyway, yeah, it was just the first of many times where You're going to need shoes for that thing.

Anyway, yeah, it was just the first of many times where I tried to connect with people and they were just not listening. There was this kid, Ian Lyons, and I was friends with his younger brother, Colin. And Ian had a drum set and he was into really cool music, which at the time was like Nine Inch Nails, you know? It blew my mind. It's pretty good stuff. It's fine stuff. But he had Mitch Hedberg, and he let us listen to his Mitch Hedberg. He had an album.

And we were over there one time, and Colin's parents were gone, and Ian didn't want to deal with us. So he was like, I got an idea, guys. And he got super stoned and let two 13-year-olds listen to Mitch Hedberg. And it was pivotal, man. It was definitive. And then later on his mom was the one who kept gays out of elizabeth high school which was insane yeah and i had to make a last stand because i was in student council and there was like uh we were

having a pride week thing and they were like fuck no yeah like so the city council the student council not the student council the school board was like my friend Christensen's dad, Bart Sr., who couldn't have been more Mormon. He wouldn't chew gum because it was a crime against God's will. He wouldn't wear black socks because that was too much. So yeah, Bart Christensen. And then Marsha Lyons, who I'd grown up with and admired. And her older daughter, Kelly, had him. She was all stacked up.

So I loved Kelly, and Ian was the guy who turned me on to Mitch Hedberg. And then I had to go up in front of these people and be like, you know, Bart, I've grown up with you, and you're a good man. I was trying to make this weird last stand, and I was like, but you stand for hate right now, and Marsha, what would Ian think? What would Kelly think? And they were like, all right, next. I, like, left my letter jacket on the pulpit.

I was like, I'm ashamed, you know, and left it up there. That sounds good. Nothing happened. I didn't get any pussy from it either. It was a big pussy play from the kid. And Melanie Pfeiffer didn't fall for it, that's for sure. Damn. Melanie Pfeiffer, huge ass.

All right. It was crazy. I was, like, an early adopter of cheek culture. You know? I liked the downstairs pair. And, man, she was a cheerleader. How about this, fellas?

We're two straight guys and Becker's here. How about volleyball shorts? Sure. Holy shit. The volleyball team was where it was at. Dude. It seems like that would not be okay. You know what I mean?

It shouldn't be okay. Right. Who's designing these shorts? That's a lot. And, yeah, not really necessary for a sport. How'd that pitch happen? Hey, we got a bunch of eighth grade girls. And they have to play volleyball.

You know what they can't have? Any material less than three inches from their vagina. Yeah, let's give them nowhere to hide. Yeah, the only way to be good at volleyball is to have pronounced ass when you're 12 years old. Right, and yeah, it's not like basketball shorts were basketball

shorts, and then volleyball had just too little. But basketball shorts only became basketball had just too little. They had knee pads on. Basketball shorts only became basketball shorts in our childhood. They were shorter initially. John Stockton had his way. Until black guys started playing the game because then they needed longer shorts.

Oh, right. They'd be NC-17. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was hanging one past his knee. Mugsy Bowes used to swing from Shaq's dick. It was a health hazard. Yeah, exactly. He was like Diddy Kong dangling off Grandmama's hog.

That's why the Hornets ruled. Yeah, they were the team. But anyway, volleyball shorts. We gotta do a fucking... We need a Yep. But anyway, volleyball shorts. We gotta do a fucking... We need a congressional hearing on whoever designed volleyball shorts. Yeah, come on. Epstein Industries. Cover it up.

Let's let these kids have their innocence for a few more years. We don't need... First of all, we don't need to sexualize young women that way. Second of all, 14-year-old boys don't need to be any hornier. Right. All right? Yeah. I think volleyball shorts are why every school shooting has happened

they're just so worked up they're always after the last volleyball game of the season and all the dudes are like what do we do now I think I'm going to make a statement year round volleyball so everybody gets it also imagine being the father of a volleyball girl

and you gotta go there and all these girls that you've known forever are coming over for sleepovers growing up and then all of a volleyball girl. Yeah. And you gotta go there, and all these girls that you've known forever are coming over for sleepovers growing up, and then all of a sudden you notice Jamie Sullivan's got a rockin' badonkadonk. It's brutal! Yeah. They should ID every dad. They should do like a you should have to like identify yourself.

No parents allowed in the stands. Yeah. You can support from home. Uh-huh. Livestream it. Ask how the game well no i don't think we want that no i think we get monetized well if they get an onion router anyway volleyball shorts man god bless them but also shut them down yeah let's there's got to be something else that we could agree on uh for for a better choice for the younger athletes out there. I mean, in college?

Sure. Dump them out. Dump them, man. You're an adult. Volleyball women? They're all like 6'3"? It's a real hard thing to understand when you're a little kid. You're watching your cousins play volleyball,

and you're like, why am I fucking sitting in a puddle right now? Because I was always cumming in my pants. Yeah, deep cut from episode one. You were blasting regardless of stimuli or surroundings. Yeah, I'd go to the Butterfly Pavilion just nutting my pants.

It had nothing to do with hooters or dumpers. Real sticky time. Yeah, I feel like it's weird when you're past 14, 15, 16, and you're still very horny. Like, why? Well, yeah, but you're not a very horny guy. I have been horny, but then I just think it's insane. There's been reports of me being horny.

You ask 100 people, has he ever been horny, half of them are going to say yes, I can say without a doubt. I saw him. He was horned up. But the other half are going to be like, nah, I thought maybe he had his dick chopped off in some kind of accident. Yeah. Or, you know, maybe a botched... He was like feeding geese in the bread gut too, close to his ween. Yes. A botched circumcision.

Yeah, a donation of a penis to a fellow classmate in need or something he is very generous no but just the idea of continuing to be very horny yeah it's a weird and not be fulfilled by other things like a passion or uh helping people you know like your work whatever it is uh to just still chase ass constantly i don't. Like, that's a mental disorder to me. Like, because horniness is an acceptable way that you can also, like, ruin your life or other people's lives. Like, get it under control. Yeah, you're allowed to be a sex addict. Right, like, yeah, you can get, I mean.

Just being horny now is in, like, the, you know, the fucking DSM or whatever it is. Well, the DSM classifies anything, or can classify things as a disorder or disease if it affects your daily life, if it interferes with your ability to live, like, a normal life. And I would, yeah, so, I mean, I think you can have a real... So, doesn't that mean procrastinating or being late to stuff should be in the DSM? Just wanting to spill it should not be in, you know, the halls of science. This guy needs to spill. Okay, well, let's fucking get a bunch of psychologists together and study him.

Yeah. Or the guy makes news. I think that it can get into a disorder where you're mentally... You don't want to be horny, and you don't want to be horny and you don't want to pursue sex as much as you are, but you feel a compulsion and that can be bad or need to be treated. But then I think there is beneath that where there's just like the horny person or the person who's all about sex all the time.

It's like, yeah, it's healthy and up to a point. Yeah. And then I don't think it is. Being horny is gross once you're not 17. I guess 22 is the last year you're allowed to be publicly horny. Or 25, you can rent a car, you can put that dick away.

You need to hand in your horny license. You know what I mean? You should be a card-carrying member of the horny community until you're 25, and then you have to learn how to do needlepoint or start working on miniatures instead of hounding hounding scoos down at the buffalo wild wings just just well and and obviously there's there's a lot it's a spectrum and so there's not like a line and if you cross that line you're a perv or you're you're a monster but man it can get confusing because

some people are not on that level and then if somebody comes along that's just all about it, then you have two very different people. When you throw a horny guy into a non-horny crew, that guy's not going to make it very long. If you have those groups of guys that are going out together being horny, that's not leading to anybody getting laid. Yeah, HIVs, horny in public. They're just like a mass of eight guys that just travel around all trying to get laid.

What are you doing? They call that a quagmire. A shagmire. They're just constantly bumping dicks because they're all tripping over each other. Yeah, and they're also always communicating how horny they are to each other. Like, man, I'd like to be horny with her. Uh, we're going to get laid tonight. Yeah, brother, all right.

Got to put it in. Oh, yeah. all right. I'm going to put it in. That's like two seconds, and then it's over, and then you... Well, let's not be insane. Well, once you get good at it, it's like ten seconds. No, I'm saying sometimes you don't even get it in. You're just nut. That's you. Two seconds would rule.

I've had incidents where I'm pulling, I'm zipping my fly, and then it looks like I sneezed in my hand. There was a woman that you know who I'm talking about, who was way out of my league, and it always was very confusing, and it made you lose your belief in God as to why she would entertain my hog at all. And that was a bit of a debacle. Right, yeah, you were driven insane by the situation. I was so horny for her that I risked everything. I would have committed acts of treason.

I was so horny for this person. Yeah, I think there was a time where you bought an American flag that you were going to light on fire in order to impress her. Yeah, I get that. But there's also just the constant, like at least that was a particular person that you had a connection with. And then, so that made sense to a degree. But then there's just these guys.

Well, I had two connections with her. The left one and the right one. These two guys, these types of guys that are, I don't know, that just, I guess when it gets into like power dynamics and shit or having it be a sense of accomplishment, it just gets gross quick. Oh, yeah. I don't like it. No, I don't.

I mean, I don't think anyone should. First of all, the word horny sucks. Yeah. Chris Sharpentier has like a fucking aversion to the word horny. He hates it. Yeah, you would say horny around him, and he'd go, and throw up. How good.

I'm glad I made you all that baby food. You had to leave the room. I'm glad I was at the blender, fucking putting liver and carrots in that blender all morning. Because he's a child, you know. Chris Charpentier, four foot two. No teeth. No teeth, yeah. Two tongues.

Gum in it. Gum in it. That's a good name for an album but i think that there's a lot of like machismo and like masculine identity attached to the idea of being horny like you need to be outwardly horny so people know that you're cool or you're with it you know that's it yeah it's a societal like almost every show or movie centers on pursuing sex is normal not having sex uh having sex at least a few times a week is bad. And it's like,

man, there's so many people that are very happy, and they're not constantly trying to get laid. I think it's like an Arrested Development kind of a thing, like immature thing. Yeah, because when you were 16 and you were getting laid, that made

you a cool person. So then you're fucking 33 and you're still the guy who's trying to get laid and people are like, I own a house. Like, what? Go to the dentist. Well, and yeah, I guess I also should realize that I got lucky because I was able to have

sex and have girlfriends pretty regularly. Oh yeah, you were horny. No, no, no. There was a time in your life when you were a pair of walking balls and your eyes were closed to any kind of other sensual experience besides... No, I think, like we said in the last episode,

a lot of our attractiveness to people was that we weren't out there constantly trying to... No, but I'm saying you were throwing up from your south mouth a lot. Yeah, well. You were nothing. Yes, but. Yes, but.

I'm saying. Okay. Congressional hearing. When it's not your driving thing and we were pursuing stand-up, that's attractive. So that's part of it, too. The guys that are so horny and so aggressive or overly confident in their pursuits, a lot of those guys don't get laid. No.

And it's because they're, or like they watched that fucking, what was that guy? Game? No, was it? The pickup artist? The pickup artist. Magic or. And the guy was like lizard and. The main guy was like.

The soothsayer. Abracadabra or something insane. Dr. Quiz. Mysterio. Like. Ray Mysterio Sr. Dr. Quiz? Mysterio? Ray Mysterio Sr., actually. Yeah, dude, that guy. His whole thing was like, wear hats like Jamiroquai.

That was his main thing. Have a magic trick ready to go. Be mean to them. I think he introduced negging, and guys were like, oh yeah, I'm going to do that forever, even though women are going to constantly shoot it down. Well, I think a lot of people misunderstood the word negging, and they were stoked.

Because they were like, okay, I can get behind this, brother. Wait, so you just constantly harass someone, like, no, no, no, not nagging. You're supposed to be nagging. And, yeah, the racists were like, I heard something else. They were like, get out of here it wasn't that but yeah for that to be like the enduring

that defined 90s culture but it stuck around past that and guys will still have that in their head like the fedora guys that are like no real personality but they throw a fedora on and they think if they're like kind of aloof at a bar and kind of half pay attention to what the woman is saying that they're going to like that. Right.

It's like that is like such a specific type of woman that you wouldn't really get a lot out of. Or meet at the bar. Yeah, yeah. Like if you're the guy with a fedora on reading at the bar, first of all, you should be against the wall when the revolution comes. We need to spill your blood so the tree of liberty can grow from it. So the kids feel free. You're expecting this kind of quiet, shy woman to approach you and be like, oh, wow, you're 28 and reading Catcher in the Rye in public? I want to start a life with you.

The whole manic pixie dream girl thing poisoned a lot of people. Which sucks, because those women, the ones that do fit that archetype, will suck you dry. You know what I mean, brothers? Come on, let's call a spade a spade. There was a couple guys talking around the old swamp cooler down here. I mean, it was cool to, because, like, I love my wife.

I want to be with my wife until, you know, I die way before her. Yeah, for sure. Before I widow her at a very young age. And then she wears the psychic scars of loving a man for the rest of her life. But, you know, you still have these ideas.

I'll go to Sprouts up in Fort Collins. It's, you know, there's no one's wearing a bra anymore because the CDC said that's how you fight COVID. Take the power back. Well, so it's like, have I ever wanted to buy an artichoke? No. But it's right across from this woman

who happens to be perusing the cherry tomatoes. I'll take a gander. You know? I'll do a lap. Yeah. That's probably, that's not good. That's bad, right?

That's like. Well, I don't know. I think. I'm never going to talk to this woman. Right. But if I see a pair of cut off shorts that are really riding high go down the milk aisle, I'm probably going to see if they have any non-dairy creamer.

What sucks is that I think a lot of people don't think of where the... It's almost like a compromise. Like, yeah, you probably shouldn't look at all, but if you look, you check out a young woman who's attractive in a public space, and you leave her

alone, and you walk away, and you leave her alone. Right. And you walk away, and you never bug her. That's what I'm saying. I don't always walk away. That's what I'm saying. I'll catch her. I'll clock this gal, and I'll be like, oh, okay, looks like they're over there in the sushi. I could go for some sushi. I already ate a whole pumpkin before I got there or whatever.

So it's like, I need to know is that bad? What I'm doing. Taking a lap. Let's call it that. Well, I would say it only starts to get weird if she notices you. So she doesn't. She doesn't? They never see me.

You're so incognito. Yeah. 6'6". 300 pounds. Underwear coming out of your short shorts. No, I know what you're saying. Fresh nut dripping down my legs. I think that the problem is that

when guys think that they're the main character of the story of life, then they think of that person as a small part of their main story, and so they can do what they want, and it's justified. And that's not true, because nobody is the main character. Right.

That level of narcissism where you use the term NPC. Oh, my God. I know. That gets you fired up. It gets me fired up, too. I hate it. I hate it so much. Fuck you, man.

And that is you fired up. It gets me fired up, too. I hate it. I hate it so much. Fuck you, man. And that is a problem here. Everybody, I think a lot of people used to feel like we were all on one show called America, and everybody had a little, you know, supporting role. And all you could do was try to do a good job in your role. Right. And know your role. And shut your damn mouth. Know your role, shut your mouth, and then all of a sudden everybody...

Smell up what people are cooking. Everybody but The Rock was a supporting character to The Rock. And then everybody was like, wait, what if I was The Rock? Wait, I am The Rock! I have every right to be as popular. And then some people thought they were the movie The Rock. Yeah, that got confusing. Like am I Nicolas Cage? Sean Connery?

I'm alcatraz i'm the poison i'm the i'm the institution yeah yeah man uh that's when it got bad like everybody trying to be the star of the show and then not caring about the people around them because they are not the the main person or the best friend. Like, you have your little circle. Like, I'm so sick of people that will think that they sound smart and justified and that it's like the end of the conversation if they say, hey, man, I just got to take care of my family. That's what I have to do.

I have to put food on the table for my family and protect my... My friends got to protect my wife, got to protect my kid. That's all that really matters, man. What they're saying is... You can say whatever the fuck you want to me. Yeah, they say that, too. Yeah, you can cut my fucking head off. I don't care. You can literally put your whole fist inside my

ass and tie my colon into a knot. The moment that you call my wife a bitch. But yeah, what they're saying is I only want to have to care about four to seven people, and everybody else can get fucked. That's why we're where we're at in a lot of ways, I think.

Well, yeah, lack of compassion, lack of community. Come on, we're all on the same show, and it sucks when everybody's trying to get a spin-off at the same time, because it's not how anything works. Well, I also think that we're not on a show, and the show's canceled, and the TV's unplugged, and everyone's eye's been cut out of their head. That's where I'm at. I don't think there's any... I think the radio waves are dead, you know? Yeah. I'm so, I just think that nothing has meaning, so it's beautiful because we get to give meaning to things that are important like this right now, you know, hanging out with Becker, looking

you in the eyes for an hour. Well, yeah, that is true. I have always liked the, but that gets confusing to people, too, because when you say nothing matters, it's supposed to be freeing, and some people go the other way and think of it as oh, that means that we all can be as terrible as we want.

There's no repercussions. Yeah, if there's no God or Heaven, then there's no prize, so we should all just cheat at this at at existing and there's no rules and man that is that's not true like that's completely disastrous there has to be what and what it is is it's hard to do the go the other way and care at least a little about everybody it's exhausting if matters, you get to assign meaning.

That's the beauty of nihilist philosophy. That's what people need to realize. There is no inherent meaning to anything, so that means you get to pick and choose the shit that you actually think matters to you. Not that I'm a fucking Nietzsche scholar, or even know how to say the guy's name. Nietzsche-kitsch-ki.

I think you pronounce every consonant and vowel separately. Nice-dick-a-skajah. Yeah. But also, I'm not gonna fucking have a mental breakdown when I see

a guy beating a horse. I'm gonna join in. I'd love to beat a horse. That's what you get out of it. That's what I learned. Hey, everybody gets to beat a horse now

because it doesn't matter. I'm a preeminent Nietzsche scholar and all I really know is that if he just would have fucking taken his gloves off and given that horse a little one-two, he'd been fine. His brain wouldn't have shattered. He wouldn't be living with Rick James in Bermuda. He's still alive. He's still alive, yeah.

Him and Tupac are working on a new album. Everybody just goes down there. Everybody loves Raymond. Everybody loves Raymond. But yeah, simple things are the most true things. And I think some people hear simple things and they're like, yeah, no, that's not it. You know what I do think is it, though? A simple plan. Those are enduring. Whenever I hear a simple plan, I'm like, this shit rips.

Turn it up. Weren't they the worst? They were terrible. When everything was pretty bad, and then they came along and were worse than Good Charlotte. They were worse than... Which is hard to do. Yeah, Good Charlotte was annoying. Would you make Sum 41 look like Beethoven?

Like they rock and roll? Yeah, dude. Simple plan. I hated them. Like, when I liked almost all that other pop punk stuff. You have a terrible taste in music. I grew up with the radio, and so I was a complete moron until I met you, basically.

You unironically love Chevelle. I still will argue for Chevelle. Yeah, big guitars, man. To a certain extent. That's what I say every time. Literally every time. And, big guitars, man. To a certain extent. That's what I say every time. Literally every time. Big guitars. And then I act like I'm playing a giant guitar. And you're like, you're talking about the sound, not the actual instrument.

I'm like, hey, I'm already in there. It looks like you're playing a cello, but you're holding it up. Oh, yeah, I'm fieldy style over here. I'm in Korn. Yeah, I liked Korn and Chevelle. And then somehow still made friends. Yeah, I liked corn and Chevelle. Yeah. And then somehow still made friends. Yeah, but, well, it was easy. You were in fucking Vegas.

That godless tomb. But, yeah, the fact that you don't like A Simple Plan means that they are terrible. Right. Okay, so, yeah, that's what I was trying to say. A complete idiot in dimwit. A pop radio moron. Yeah. The three chords and the

chorus being repeated seven times. I was all about it. And then Simple Plan, I was like, wait, no. But we've gone too far. What have we done? What hath man wrought? How did we get to here? This is why we need God. This is why we need to start saying the Pledge of Allegiance

in school. This is because fucking the Simple Plan made it saying the pledge of allegiance in school this is because fucking the simple plan made it to the top of the chart yeah that was a dark that was a dark time yeah but i think music is i think popular music has always been shitty we just look back at it through like rose-colored glasses like if you look at music now it's all made in a laboratory by like the cia so you know kind of fucking manchurian candidate their way into the minds of children. Music sucks. Yeah. Well, I think part of the problem is that when it got so big,

when the money became so ridiculous, then there wasn't even the trusted talent scouts that would go and hear bands in LA. Snapping their fingers. Yeah. And our guys, oh, wow, this really, this really grooves. Chomping on a big stogie. Yeah.

And they're like, wait a minute, this is the new sound that the kids need. No, they just got to a point, I'm sure, in like the 70s or something where all of a sudden,

instead of bands that were really talented being plucked for their uniqueness and then that sound being, you know, broadcast, you had, it was like reverse engineering

where there was a sound that was being broadcast, it was like reverse engineering where there was a sound that was being sought because it was proven to sell, and then bands copied that previously established sound. And then the talent agents were looking for specific, the right sound that was going to sell, and they weren't taking as many chances on bands, that was not helpful for anything. And also, music doesn't exist anymore.

You just have to sell merch and tour because all music is free. Yeah. Which is awesome, but insane that we've come that far in, like, 10 years, you know what I mean? I guess 20 years. Right. But yeah, it really did completely change.

It's to your point earlier about how much it must have sucked to be a teacher when south park was popping yeah it's funny to think that like they thought like great balls of fire would end society as we knew it you know and like kids would be fucking in the street and like burning down churches yeah and really it was south park south park almost tore us straight from the frame. Yeah, we almost killed our parents. But those kids... We just all revolt and kill

anybody over 35. We're all just watching our parents sleep holding a pillow. Did I do that? Or whatever. Urkel got in there. Urkel was the first little earworm.

He was the precipitant. Listening to somebody that wasn't... He was the antithesis of the Carl Winslow father figure police officer. Right, yeah. Standard authority, yeah. And then Urkel was like, fuck that. Laura, I want to finger you. Carl's like, not in my house.

Pulls his gun out. You got three steps to the door, young man. That's how Family Matters ended, actually. Carl walked in on Urkel raping Laura, and he shot him in the back of the head. Yeah, real dark, real dark turn. Well, that was when NYPD Blue was big and ABC was trying to reinvent themselves before Disney bought them.

Yeah, they weren't sure what to do and they're like, let's go dark. Let's go dark, man. Nihilistic. Well, see, I don't think that's good. Good job taking a stand. I didn't like that. This made-up thing that I'm trying to say happened.

I don't remember how it ended, but I don't think it was that dark. No, I don't remember. I think Urkel mailed a bomb to somebody, and it didn't go off. There were some shenanigans. He, like, forgot to glue one of the corners shut. He didn't put enough stamps on it. Yeah, so it didn't... And it got returned to Urkel's house and exploded in his hands.

And his last words were... I did that. This blood is on my hands. I, in fact, did that. Turns out I did that. Anyway, yeah. The feeling better sucked. No, it didn't. It was good.

It sucked. You know what was cool? Step by step. Remember that chicken step by step? The blonde? Yeah. Oh, yeah. The hoochie mama.

The brunette girl was also very pretty. And Susan, it's not Sarandon. Susan Summers was in it. Yeah. Mark Summers' wife. Was she the mom? Mark Summers' wife. The family double there.

The thigh master herself. She was the mom, I think. That sounds right. And also the kid from Kickboxer was in it. He was stupid, but cool. The dude. He was a role model for all of us. He lived in his van and we were like, wait, you can do that? And our parents were like, no. Uh-uh.

That is not a way that people live. No, no, no. You have to go to college and do what everybody tells you to do. Exactly. And get a good job and then hate everyone around you for your circumstances. You need to turn 22 and be $130,000 in debt. Yeah. Build the cage around you and your circumstances. You need to turn 22 and be $130,000 in debt. Build the cage around you and be

happy about it. Learn to love the cage. The cage is there to protect you from the other. All the gurgle. Yeah, that was code. Dog whistle from Lund over there. No, no, I'm saying from ABC.

I see what you're saying, brother. There were some structures being put in place by big TV, big TGIF. It's insane that, like... Thank God it's feudalism. We need to go back to feudalism, I think. Light feudalism is fine. Like, like, fraudage. Fretage. Isn't fretage where you, like, frottage. Frottage.

Isn't frottage where you, like, rub up against ladies on the subway? You get off on rubbing up against people. It's called the Japanese disease. Without them knowing, and definitely without them consenting. The Japanese love it. Why is it a French word? I think, well, the French are into some stuff, too. Yeah, I know, but the Japanese have

to have their own train cars for women. So Uncle Nasty won't hop on there and, you know, get a little too close. I don't like fraudage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's an interesting thing. With all the different things that can get you going,

just be like, oh yeah, I'm gonna slide in between these two people and say, excuse me, and then later I'm gonna jerk off to that. It's like, what? Okay, well. Well, also, though, when you're early on in your career of being a horny kid, hitting the back of the wrist to a tit, ooh, boy.

Yeah. That one got me through a lot of tough nights. Old Heidi Hartman, you'd bump into her next year. She was a locker buddy next to me, and I'd always make sure I swung a little wider than I needed to. That's terrible. I know. That's not good. Duh! It's 13. You love it.

I don't love it. You're trying to get me to excuse it. No, I was just saying that when you're trying to figure out what reality is and you're testing the boundaries, you might hit the back of your hand against a couple of fat ones. Yeah, I guess. When you're 13! When you're a boy! Yeah, but we're trying to say that's not good, and so you don't want to excuse it.

I think it's bad. That's what everybody does. Broadage is bad. Everyone does do that. No. Yeah. You never, you never toppled a shoulder into Kayla Stewart? No, I don't know any of these people because we're five years different.

We grew up a thousand miles apart. I'm just saying. No, I was terrified. I was terrified of anything like that, so I would always have a crush on, I was terrified. I was terrified of anything like that. So I would always have a crush on... I was Kevin from The Wonder Years, which you think is fine. Marilyn Manson's friend?

Yeah, you think it's fine to be... You're the main character, and you have a crush, and it's innocent, but you're really kind of creepy, but you don't realize it. I was kind of like that. Or if I were rejected, I would hate that girl and take it so personally oh what a nightmare anybody that wants to go back to a younger time i do not usually like those people because you're basically saying all those mistakes or you know the simplicity is attractive it's like man but you've learned so

much you've grown you're a better ideally, people get better overall at being people. And so you're wanting to go back to when you were, like you're saying, you're a little monster and you're trying to get away with. You're crawling around. You're trying to get away with little things. Yeah, I don't miss any of that because it's just like. Well, I think you're testing how far things can go. I don't know if you're trying to get away with it.

You're trying to figure out where the borders are on this map that you're making in your mind. So it's like... So yeah, it's very frustrating, confusing. And also, your brain isn't developed. And you're pretty much a chimpanzee. When a straight man, and I can't speak to the gay

experience. I'm sure it's horny and dangerous for them too. But when you're fucking... From the day you get your first pube until, let's say, your brain forms at 35 or whatever. No. But your teen years, when you're a kid, let's say 12 to 21,

you're a fucking ape. I remember we were playing basketball outside when I was in, like, 7th grade, and Heather Rusk flashed us. And two seconds later, people were fist fighting. It was insane. Because somebody wanted to have the flashing be for them specifically. Jose Quintana jumped on J.R. Harris's back immediately.

Fucking people were getting slugged in the stomach. It just turned us into like, you know, lesser primates, man. It was insane how quickly we reverted at just the whisper of a tit. Oh, is there? Well, see? You remember that one? No. They started drawing.

They started like, the girls get boobs and the guys all turn into cavemen. And they started drawing. I don't watch South Park. Well, this is an old one that I thought maybe you would see. When you say old one, was that what, 15 years ago? It's been on for like 38 years, right? I know, yeah. It was probably from like 15 years ago.

I don't know. But yeah, they start drawing pictures of crude drawings of boobs on their walls like cavemen did. Nice. Yeah, it is true that there's an animalistic urge. They went from teamwork, we're passing the ball around, running the triangle offense, setting picks, bounce passes, to just like mutiny on the bounty, dude. Blood in the water. Right. Yeah, you don't know what you're about to get into, and so yeah, it's uncharted waters. Yeah, and you don't know why you feel this way. You don't know

what to do with it. It's not like you have the idea that you're going to take your hard penis, your engorged rod, and shove it in your dumpling purse. Like, that doesn't at all manifest to you you just know that you need something you don't know what it is something is happening with yeah with the unconscious and the biological bird comes on in your brain but when i spin fisting when i think of being young and the insanity you just reminded me of a time when i was in eighth grade and a kid in gym, a kid peed on me in the shower

what the fuck I wrote about Amber Tozer wrote her book Sober Stick Figure and then me and Timmy needed to write a quick story about growing up or whatever in stick figure form and I did mine about bullying and I revisit this time where

this kid Lamar Stuckey was like you know in the middle of puberty he had the growth spurt he looked like a young man instead of a kid athletic you know he was super talented so he's just like the star of our grade in a lot of ways and you were still the baby from dinosaurs

yeah yeah I'm protozoan and you know pre-hensile and I'm protozoan and, you know, prehensile. And I'm just like, yeah, I'm figuring out how to feed myself. And so, yeah, just such a big difference in, but we're the same age. And for whatever reason, I guess because I was still like the new kid, because I moved from Chicago suburbs to Henderson, Nevada the summer before seventh grade. So it might have even been seventh grade. But for whatever reason, yeah, I'm still like getting teased now and then.

And, yeah, I'm like 5'2", you know, just nothing. And, yeah, we had showers and we showered. And then as we're getting changed, Lamar is like everybody, hey man, I just pissed on Nate's leg. Don't do the voice. Hey, I'm trying to... I'm not going to let you know what his race was, but he just starts telling everybody that he peed on me on my foot in the shower.

So it's not really that crazy of a thing. It's not a big deal at all. Except it is. It's actually pretty cool. The messaging is terrible. But the actual thing is like, yeah, I didn't notice. It's not a big deal at all. Except it is. It's actually pretty cool. The messaging is terrible. But the actual thing is like, yeah, I didn't notice. It was instantly gone. But man, what a mindfuck

to have to deal with that. Because that's like a prison move. That's like a domination thing. It's animalistic. It's a weird... It's reptile brain. And that's what our minds are when we're all bumping into each other in 7th and 8th grade.

Stucky marked his territory on your leg. And in wrestling, in high school, we used to pee on each other all the time. Not in the shower? Not in the shower, no. In first period, you just walk into Mr. Blackham's class and hang a rope on your buddy's shoulder.

Yikes. No, we used to pee on each other in the shower all the time. In the shower. But yeah, as a joke, but your friends, it's like you're getting closer together shoulder yikes no we used to pee each other in the shower all the time in the shower but yeah as a joke but your friends it's like it's like a you're getting closer together or were you were you picking someone to ostracize you all peed on him yeah and it was not like it wasn't a fun thing no he tried to own it yeah exactly man i did not own it i could not play it off and because he was so like i say he was like going through

puberty i couldn't step up to him at all but then there was like this little turd rat face kid that was laughing and i tried to fight him instead yeah trickle down economics trickle down bullying is what i trickled down from lamar i was trickled upon yeah and then i needed yeah i needed to to release that to transfer that energy onto someone else. Oh, yeah. So, yeah, I pick an even bigger, like, little turd than me. Right. And we start, like, shoving each other.

We're not even, like, hitting each other. Yeah. Because I didn't want to get in trouble. It was so stupid. Those kids that hit puberty early, they should not be allowed. They should have their own, right. They should have to, like, get a job. Exactly.

Well, they do have jobs, too. Like, I remember in, like, sixth grade, we were changing for a basketball game. I think it was fifth grade, actually, because I wasn't in middle school yet. Chris White is changing. He has fucking chest hair and leg hair. A gold medallion. Yeah. A Roth IRA.

Stars and bars tattoo. Yeah. A Roth IRA. Stars and bars tattoo. Yeah. Bachelorette of science. It was insane. I remember looking at his hairy legs and being like, you know I came. And also, I remember Andy Quinn had his own snow plow job when he was 13. He was already driving a plow.

He wouldn't come to school because he'd be plowing. That's crazy. I talked about this on AFE. There's kids that get jobs earlier and they're somehow anti-Semitic at 14. You know what I mean? They're working hard but then they don't like that Jewish people also have a

working hard aesthetic or whatever. How did you pick up on anti-Semitism when you're 14 years old? From coworkers? Coworkers? South Mart. you pick up on anti-semitism when you're 14 years old okay yeah from the co-workers that also don't know a jewish person south park thank you yep let's blame them raise them up and tear them down so guys if you want to support chubby behemoth uh you can buy our t-shirts at samtalent.com the f one, fat boob enthusiast. FBI. Yeah. It's on purpose.

Yeah. It's part of the fun. It's irreverent. We got half off because we acted like we sent the correct spelling and they fucked up. So it was a grift. You know what was fun in the group chat that we have? Where I sent you the Pantera song reimagined? Yeah.

That was fun. That was dumb. I think we should sing it on the pod. No. Noined? Yeah. That was fun. That was dumb. I think we should sing it on the pod. No. No? All right. No, let's be better. Let's be better. Let's be better.

We need to return. Well, guys, just do the math in your head. You know, there's a song that's like, re-dun-dun-dun-a-spec-t. Now find another word that starts with re, and instead of saying spec-t, say that other, the second part of that word, and that's a fun way to have some fun.

Yeah, when you're still trying to recapture your glory days of your youth. Peeing on Cameron Rowe. When you can say whatever you want. Before the walls fell. 89, is that what you're talking about? 89, yeah. The Berlin Wall yeah

Chescu was king yeah that that had an had an effect on you I'm sure I remember my mom crying you know she was like

this is it the communists are gonna get us yeah no I mean look we're having fun on this cast here's the thing guys just because you're goofing doesn't mean you're a bad guy.

That's all I'm saying. So don't come at me. Yeah, that's what this podcast should be, is us saying, defending freedom of speech, because those guys are all very cool. Free speech warriors? Yeah, the ones that want to be able to say whatever they want.

I hate that. We've talked about this before, where like, yes, there's something fun about saying inappropriate things with trusted friends. I don't agree with you. Shut up. You say everything that you think is so funny. And it's only funny because there's an understanding in the group that this is not who you are. That this is not who you are. Saying something inappropriate is funny and harmless if it isn't being broadcast or endorsed.

Or if it's not a pattern where you're constantly doing that and making fun of everybody that's different from you. So there's a way that you can say stuff and have it be fun. But in general, I think we're all trying to be better about that stuff. I don't have any idea what you're talking about, and I've never said any negative stuff about anyone or been naughty in a group chat. Me and Andrew Polk definitely don't have a text thread that would cancel everybody.

But I'm saying, there's... I have some chat groups online where it's like you know the nuclear you have to have the key each person has the key that's how it is like we each of us have to delete these threads on both ends and then throw our phones

in the river cause we're just talking shit about every comedian talk some shit or whatever make fun of somebody but it's okay if it's not leading to further harm if it's just a couple people who are close that are letting off steam or whatever, there's a difference between then constantly shitting on people publicly and going after people. That's not helpful or good. No.

Yeah, having four of your trusted allies and just goofing around is fine. Same with, yeah, if you're talking about somebody being attractive, hot, whatever, it's harmless until you start treating women poorly or,

you know, commenting on women's, God, the way that any public female figure gets, you know, judged,

attacked, commented, ugh, it's exhausting and I can't believe, like we were saying earlier, when you're younger, there's a certain

pleasure well yeah you're horny but also like you were saying like the idea of like playing with right and wrong you get like and we had to come of age with the internet which made everything you know just so different

we're all more connected but we're also more separated because you know you just so different. We're all more connected, but we're also more separated because, you know, you're not having in-person interactions as much. If you want the entire Smash Mouth discography, you can go to LimeWire and have it in 72 hours. Right. Yeah, yeah. If you wanted to get 10 CDs, you'd get them for a penny. Yeah, that was when I was growing up. Yeah.

And then all of a sudden, yeah, the game changed and everything was at your fingertips i was gonna say there's i understand the uh base desire of being anonymously mean being cruel online like youtube comments whatever call somebody you know make fun of somebody but unless it's grow up like i can't believe so many people are stuck in that phase. People still are trolls online, constantly berating different targets and getting off on that as an adult. When you haven't replaced that with something that is real, something more fulfilling. Wholesome, rewarding. My God, what a warped way to spend your time and energy just devoted to tearing other people down, especially public figures. You know, God forbid somebody gets successful at something. Right.

You just make it your mission to, you know, try to make them suicidal or, you know, have them quit. Well, just choosing to be cruel is bad. That all sucks. You shouldn't be cruel. You know, there's a difference between jokes. These people who don't get jokes anymore, yeah, that gets me fired. That makes me want to fucking buy a bullet and rent a gun. Just put one in the chamber and two in the stink, you know?

That's how I'm going to go out. I'm going to shoot my head off while having two of my own fingers jammed in my asshole. People will be like, what was he up to? What kind of afternoon was this? What was the last thing he did he went to water world and then he came home and blew his head off fingering his butt yeah don't be cruel be nice to each other you know come on yeah god is love and i am god we're all just we're all just walking each other home is something that i get a lot out of

what we're all just walking each other home that That's like one of the, like I said earlier, the simple things that sound too simple, but they're really pretty good. That's pretty good. What is walking each other home? In existence. I think we're all taking an Uber. No, we're all just trying to get to the finish line, which is death. What a great World War. What a good blue ribbon to have.

What a great carrot to make your horse fall off. Well, it's not the goal, but the goal is to not hurt other people before you are dead. Like, take care of each other. We're all walking each other home. We're all trying to get along, get older

without ruining each other's lives. Well, I'm just trying to be rewarded in heaven. That's what I'm trying to do. I thought we were past that. No, dude, I believe in the Christian thing. Uh-huh. Yeah. That whole Christian thing.

Yeah, you know, have you heard about this? JC and the boys? JC talk? Yeah, JC and the goof around gang. JC Chazet was my god. Yeah, JC and the Goof Around Gang? JC Shazay was my god. Yeah, I pray for him. If I was gonna have one of the Backstreet Boys over for dinner,

it was JC. I'd have Marky Mark. Okay. Yeah, you guys could both talk about all the old Chinese guys that you've blinded. What a psycho. He was Vietnamese. That's racist. You can't tell them apart it's not racist i didn't remember i i i should have said asian you were blackout drunk that's that's not cool to say anymore

don't assign a race to my drinking problem. I was browned out. That's when you get so drunk you shit your pants. That has to be a joke, right? Browning out was on Sunny. Always Sunny. They poop their pants? No, it's where you didn't completely black out, but it's very hazy. It's like, yeah, before...

Too many hazy IPAs. Before completely blacking out and not recalling anything. If you're going in and out, you browned out. I call that the sweet spot. I call that the goal. I think that was first on Sonny. That was the first time I remember hearing it. Remember, this is satire.

Who cares? Yeah, who cares? God is dead. Death is the reward. That's what we time I remember hearing it. Remember, this is satire. Who cares? Yeah, who cares? God is dead. Death is the reward. That's what we learned today, everybody. Death is the goal. We need to get rid of volleyball shorts. For sure.

This is another thing. They should have to play in Burkas. Well, we're getting there with these masks. This is step one. One of the other things that I like that I think of when I'm driving especially is you're not in traffic. You're not stuck in traffic. You are traffic. You can't think.

All right, yak off, smear it off. Again, it sounds simple and stupid, but it's pretty good because so many people get so mad. I used to get so mad at being in traffic. Oh, God, all these idiots around me. But it's like you're an idiot also. You're part of the idiots. You're also a dipshit in a car. Yeah.

And you are traffic to everybody else. So it's just a way to, like, God, it really does help me not get as furious at people. And you do carry around a large amount of rage. I don't carry it around. Yeah, you're just always one fucking stubbed toe from, you know beating up an old woman no no there there have been times where i was more quick to anger and i've worked on it i've tried to be better about it and little sayings like that i think are helpful to remind you man yeah you're not the main character being inconvenienced by all these npcs. Oh, man, I hate that shit.

NPC, what a terrible way to look at the rest of humanity as just lesser than, just these nobodies. Like, ugh, that is troubling. I like to think of other people as ants. And what are you? A snake? I'm the ant queen. Ant eater?

Yeah, I'm the ant eater. Ant eater? You're the aardvark? Yeah, I like to just think that I can crush them all. Yeah, that's a bad way to think of the rest of the people around you. No, no, when I shut my eyes at night, I just think about fire consuming most people

and how I'll be the one who lit the fire. And I get to decide who lives or dies. I think that's how I get through. You have your own little sayings, like whatever you are, traffic. High before E, except except after c a lot of them are grammar lessons right um my very educated mother just served us nine peas right i like to think of myself as god's flaming sword kids playing catch on freeways get smashed roy's private eyes

or roy's whoops roy gb is that what you were going for man We know each other too well. I don't even know how. That's what you were trying to think of. Mary's violet eyes make John stay up night pining. That's how you remember the planets. Mine was my very educated mother just served us nine peas. Yeah, but that's not at all believable. A very educated woman?

You gotta think about a guy staying up late thinking about Mary's fucking radical purple eyes. That's funny that we had two different ones. Yeah, you grew up, you know, in 1930. Illinois.

Yeah. Post-war. Right after the Great War because it was only called World War I after World War II started. It was the Great War

when I was a kid. Also, World War I is fucked up. You guys should do some research on World War I. This isn't my first pandemic. I survived the Spanish flu.

This thing is... I'm yawning this whole time. I went to Taco Bell and I got the Spanish flu. Out of my butt. Spanish rice flu? Has anyone made that joke? I don't think I've heard about a Taco Bell diarrhea connection. I think that is new.

We need to dig deeper. All this surface stuff. This is where the real artists come out you know we're like masters of humor i guess it doesn't feel like it when you're talking about blowing loads and i'm getting peed on it's pretty uh you didn't get a load blown on you yeah that would be that would have fucked you up. That's when the friendship is over. At that point. Yeah, Stucky made you sticky. Yeah.

Lamar's most. Yeah. In the shower, he tells everyone I jerked off on Lund. People are like, what? You were hard? You were hard for Lund? Gross. Yeah, that was... Not good.

No. That's what this podcast is all about. Hey, I'm going to call out bad behavior when I see it. Peeing on somebody that doesn't want to be peed on? Not cool. If you're into it, though, man, let your freak flag fly. Sure. Go crazy.

I don't think you should combine the pee fetish and fraudage, though. We've got to keep these two Venn diagram circles separate. If you're a Japanese businessman trying to get from kyoto to tokyo don't pee on a lady you know don't get on that super train and whiz on a school marm that's bad that's a good call i think that's something that needs to be said i think so not none of people are brave enough to say it these japanese businessmen gotta quit pissing on women. On public trains. I don't feel like they scratch that itch a lot of the time. I think they repress a lot of that, don't they? And that's why their pornography is so violent.

They have the outlets of pornography or the buying of underwear from a vending machine. That's just for the small population that scratches that itch. I think most of them are just trying to get... And then they drink to alleviate some of the stress. We're not so different, and then I think most of them are just trying to get, and then they, you know, they drink to alleviate some of the stress. We're not so different, them and I. This has been Shubby Behemoth, everybody. Crack it, slurp it, rub it down.