Chubby Behemoth - Biggest Challenge Yet

Episode Date: December 4, 2022

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Well Placed Pube. If A Penis Could Fart. Robot Louis Armstrong. Andrew Polk.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Merry Christmas Chubby Behemoth listeners We have a very special guest today Sit up It's me, Santa Claus Oh, oh, oh, oh Hello, Nathan Hi, Santa

Why are you laying down? You haven't even worked your one day of the year yet I've got something to tell all of you listeners You're sick? What the fuck Oh yeah that's the other end of the couch I'm sorry I farted on Becca's pillow That was rude

of old Saint Nick My god It reeks He's gonna puke It's like someone My God, it reeks. He's got a puke. It's like someone's 20 Crystal Burgers in the last 48 hours. You don't have Crystal in the North Pole? What about White Castle?

You live in a White Castle. I live in a White Castle, and I eat the sliders that you buy at the grocery store. We put them in the microwave. Ho, ho, ho. They're not as good as the real thing. I beg to differ. You gotta take what you can get when you live where I live. It's so cold up there. Does the microwave even work? It sure does. Well, Mrs. Claus doesn't know how to work a stove or nothing.

She's busy fucking all the elves. You have an open relationship. She's got an open pussy. That's for sure. All the little guys crawl around in there. Look at this. Well, I got to be going. Have a good podcast.

Maybe you can bring us some more listeners for Christmas Santa. Well, that was cool. That was cool. Santa dropped by. He dropped his colon, yeah. Santa dropped by and just farted on Becker's pillow. But hey, he brought

in a new guest. This is being recorded. We're halfway through the episode. Our new guest, everyone, Andrew Polk. It smells like a seafood graveyard. Is that why you smell it? I couldn't smell it for some reason. What the fuck

is wrong with you, man? I couldn't smell it. You're immune to my musks. I guess, yeah. That's pretty cool. That's worse than being able to do that. We've got to get you to an urgent care. My body's worked up an immunity, a defense mechanism.

Because otherwise I would be long gone. I would be very sick all the time from Sam's gas. I mean, Santa's gas. That wasn't a big deal. That was just another day in paradise. It smelled pretty bad. Yeah, Becker hasn't seen Sam in a long time.

Polk, it's been a while. I'm around him all the time. I've never farted in front of Andrew because I know it revolts him. I'm too dainty. Yeah, you are. You're allergic to the foods. He's a wilting flower. I can't do the bodily functions. Like, I always, like, blast music when I go to the bathroom.

Yeah. I've never farted in front of a girlfriend. If they farted in front of me, I've struck them immediately. Yeah, you're very averse to, like, just normal guy stuff. Yeah, well, that was the upbringing. Yeah. You had a question for him? You got in trouble?

No, I was wink-winking and getting molested. Oh. Yeah, Uncle Fingers would come over. Ooh, they're sticky today. Yeah, and you're going to get them clean. Well, I'm sorry I did that. I'm sorry Santa did that. it was very rude of santa uh yeah i knew that you were like horrified by man farting because we've shared like hotel rooms

and beds before yeah i've woken up and you're sitting in the corner like you just got gang right you're like crying into a t-shirt and gently rocking yourself it's a real Blair Witch situation yeah Nell's in the corner remember we slept in that karate dojo in Albuquerque no you don't it was like a rubber padded room and we slept in there whose what's it I don't remember whoever was putting us up it was me and you that was the first time you ever met Chris Pierce oh I was so fucked up that night. Yeah, you were tanked. Karate Dojo makes me think of Mike Long or Danger Vero.

Well, I always knew I would have to get fucked up because you'd be like, here's the hammocks we're sleeping in tonight. Don't mind the bees. We have had some rough ones together. There was a basement in Pennsylvania with children doing drugs. We were in Gummo. Yes. We were playing Calvin Ball with them. Yeah.

They made up a game. Yeah, that sounded like peak Sam Road bullshit. That was where my infamous line came from. Yes, that was Polk's. You have a lot of 360 Tomahawk jams, but that one was so good. Where Ruby Nicholas was like, she was blasting what, Cardi B? Yeah. And drinking vodka?

Singing every word. Yeah, yeah. Every word. Uh-huh. Oh. Yeah. And with the windows down, rolling through parochial parochial Pennsylvania, like, Amish town. Where the fuck was it?

Lancaster. Lancaster, which is the Amish hub. And she was smoking blunts and, like, driving erratically and drinking vodka, blasting Cardi B. And then when we parked, Andrew got out of the car and grabbed me by my lapel and said... All of your friends are criminals. Yeah. Yeah. And then we did a show for like eight people with 14 limbs

in a pizza place in Lancaster. That was nice because all the tables were really long and vertical towards the stage. Yeah. Beer hall stuff. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Everybody was singing in German.

Yeah, it was a beer hall push. Putsch. Push. Putsch. Putsch. Putsch. Putsch. Oh, Santa's coming back. Santa's sitting where Jake's head's going to be.

Santa sits in this chair if Santa wants to fart. I have some wet coal for you. Fart in that glass bowl. That would be sick. Santa, you know what we should do? You should put that on your head like a helmet and I'll fart on top of it.

It'll rattle your brain. Yeah, alright. Yeah, that might work. That wouldn't be bad. I think the better move would be for you to fart into the little bit of the concave...

The divot. Bowl, yeah. And then you'll need it. My head's not involved. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to be holding it under your chin like it was an offering plate. I'd be like skipping a rock over a lake right into your nose.

But anyway, this isn't what we talked about on this pod. Today we're talking about what's everyone want for Christmas. I think this is pretty on brand. I think so. Not in brand. I think so. Well, not in front of the guests, though. Oh. We usually treat our guests very well.

Now, Andrew, I wanted to ask you a question. Shut up. What are my hobbies? We tried to record last night, and it's probably for the best that the SIM card shit out, because Andrew said some stuff, and then I was very boring. What? Yeah, no, Andrew wasn't bad. That makes it sound like I was being bad.

You were being bad. I wasn't. Well, just because the questions you were asking were, what's your favorite word that rhymes with trigger? I was leading the witness. Yeah. No, my favorite question you asked during the aborted episode was where did you go to college

it's always nice to have a job interview during a podcast alright yeah we can't all fart and queef on demand

when I farted Hulk ran away I thought Becker was gonna puke what do you want me to do I can't sit

here and breathe my mouth that's why I'm like how do you not smell it crosstalk I thought Becker was going to puke. What are you doing? I just fucking sit here and breathe out of my mouth. That's why I'm like, how can you not smell it? Cross talk. It coated my tongue. Hey. I got something that's going to coat your tongue, bud.

You were showing your little fucking hole last night. I was. Yeah, and you woke up and what did you do? Puked. Everywhere. No, in the toilet. In the toilet. And how long did it take you?

Like 40 minutes. Because you were trying to be quiet. Yeah. Meanwhile, fucking Panic at the Zoo and me were in there last night. It was too loud for anyone to hear anything. You were just ripping it. This guy farts so much. That wasn't me. I mean, it could have been me.

It was like Santa and all the reindeer were in there. We went to LaFoot's last night, Polk. Oh, nice. Yeah, he really earned his stripes in there. He went to LaFoot's last night, Paul. Oh, nice. Yeah, he really earned his stripes in there. You got the frozen thing, the pirate's

drink. Yeah. Vincent got him one. Oh, okay. Yeah, Vincent was like, hey, you gotta try this out of here. It's a real good

diet for your mouth and your body and your brain. There's five straws in there so everyone take a little sippy. And we all had a sip and then Becker fucking housed it.

And then... All five straws in his mouth like Danny Maupin was around. Vince told me to house it. Vincent said, I hope everybody shares this evening.

That's the spirit of New Orleans. Everybody gets to wet their whistle. Everybody gets a little taste out of this diaphragm cup. You can take it from me. Vincent Zambow. Host of Dragon's Den Comedy. We got Caitlin Palufo. And then I'm killing myself in Jackson Square.

That's the men's warehouse voice. I feel like it's our friend Vincent Zambon. Yeah, it's perfect. It's dead on. I grew up in a manhole cover in... Where is he from? I don't know. Where's his address?

Fogtown? Yeah. Bossier City? No, that's where he's closer to Bossier City. Yeah. The sticks? Yeah. Folks are rusting.

Yeah, I'm a Yankee boy. It's him and Dante Powell. That's his friend. You're north enough that you're a Yankee? Compared to down here. Yeah. Yeah, me and Dante grew up like 10 miles from each other. Are you similar age?

Yeah. Depending on if Dante was looking at you or sideways, it was 9 1⁄2 miles. Damn, Doug. He's such a fat guy. Not anymore. You got the thing. I know. And now he's posting online about how his dick's

hitting the water it's like he didn't lose enough weight that your dick grew 15 inches no what are you talking about he filled the toilet more

he popped so much the water level rose well only yesterday I fucking got a pube in the way and sprayed all over the bathroom oh one right down the middle?

The old super soaker tip? One down the middle, yeah. And so it was two... Trying to scare two cats away with the hose? It was two perfect streams and it was so funny looking. I was like, what's going on down there? And yeah, just a well-placed pube

right down the middle, separate but equal. And it was in a Chinese restaurant. It was. You went into a Chinese restaurant pissed all over the ground. No, they were both into the toilet. And you're mad that I didn't tip for pickup order? Oh, I thought that was here.

You guys are going to have to pay two cleaning fees. It's fucking everything. Yeah. They're going to have to get a bunch of sage and burn it in here. He thinks that it's insane to tip anything on a pickup order. And it's like, yeah, I know you didn't sit there and waste a woman or a man's time for an hour and a half.

Yeah, like you didn't pay it. Tableau. No, but there's every fucking other aspect of food service is still involved. And he's like, you don't have to tip. I had to do all the work. I had to go in there, get on my phone, order food. Do the Macarena with him.

Point at everyone. Stand out for the pennies. Yeah, because he didn't annoy the shit out of somebody. He doesn't think that they deserve any of his cash. No, the restaurants will pay their employees when you pick the food up. If you're at a table and they're bringing you stuff and they're bringing you nine iced teas like when you're around or more whipped cream for your waffles when Becker's around, then you tip them the regular 12.5%.

But when you go in and you pick it up, you don't have to give them any excess cash. You didn't even pick it up. Becker did. Becker did. Yeah, I paid for his $110 worth of Chinese food. That's a lot of money on Chinese food. I didn't get to eat any of it because you ate all of it, which was cool. You didn't get to eat any of it.

You had a little. You had 20 minutes to have as much as you would like, and you did. No. And then, God forbid, I am hungry and eat the food that's left as it's getting cold. I thought that there might be a little leftover for me. For what? For you to heat up in your butt crack? Okay, that's funny.

This is something you said this to me. You discussed this with me last night. You were like, I wonder if Sam's going to be mad I ate all the food. I was like, wonder? Yeah, no, he did it. But he's still acting like... Get out of the rice paddy hat.

Your cheek's full. And you're like, I hope Sam doesn't notice. I ate the chopsticks. You're like Chippendale Rescue Rangers filled with acorns. So you ran this by Polk? No, I said he wouldn't be pissed. I wonder if he thinks there's any Chinese food left.

And Polk was like, no, he knows you. It's gone. And then you were like, oh my, I can't believe the food is gone. Yeah. Yeah, it is.

I ate it. Yeah, I was pissed. You were doing a kata on stage, karate form. And you were like, yeah, he won't notice all the soup's gone. Me, the man who notices before anyone. I literally walked off stage and went in there like, oh, long night's gone. Me, the man who notices

before anyone. I literally walked off stage and went in there like, oh, long night's work. Time to eat a bunch of Chinese food. And then I opened the door and I said to myself aloud,

they ate all the fucking food. There were the two... I was hiding from that Dominican man. There were the two boxes of rice, but I accidentally tossed them. Uh-oh, Santa's gonna... I'm gonna talk to Santa.

What are you doing? I don't want to gross out coal. Oh okay. I thought you had to go to the bathroom. It's like Jesus Christ. Somebody's blasting ass. Oh my god. I wish we could lock him in there. Sounds like somebody's banging on the pipes. Santa was a very good boy this year Why didn't you close the door all the way? Because Becker's right there Becker almost pulled some real classy ass last night Yeah, was it the lady that looked like Bald Knobber's jamboree? No, no, no, it wasn't Toothless and Ruthless Pierre

Okay This was at LaFootfoots as becker called it i call it lafitte's blacksmith shop the oldest continuously operated bar in all of america but uh there was a real destiny's child there was a beautiful black woman she was the size of three black women no is that what you're saying no no she was very she was i would say a 9.75 on the dictor scale damn oh yeah that's hot oh it was hot dude listen to this listen of course i went home early yeah you went home with a homosexual instead. A homosexual.

That was a fun bit he wanted to do earlier. He's like, let's walk around and pretend that we're gay guys. Oh, yeah. That was Sam's idea. Walk around the apartment. What if he went to the pool

and played this little joke? The pool is hilarious here. It's six inches. It's like a bathtub. It's cold. So is Sam. Kind of a compliment. Yeah, he wishes.

If he lost as much weight as Dante did, he'd have six inches strong. That toilet would be overflowing. Not for the typical reason. You're making a mess. Whoa, it's our buddy. What are those? Crystals. God.

I think it is. Well. This whole trip is sponsored by Crystals. It's Arby's. We've got to go to Arby's. So anyway, there was a real hot lady

who came up last night. Hot piece. Hot piece. And Becker, walk us through what happened because I don't believe it. I was pretty drunk

so I don't remember precisely but she needed a lighter. Quit playing Minesweeper. I'm taking notes about our show. I don't want any notes Except for that

One specific note The brown Yeah That note's in Yeah She came out And asked for a lighter And then we were watching

The basketball game On the side of the building We were all looking at Yeah I didn't notice They were projecting ESPN On the side of the hotel Yeah

And I made her laugh a couple of times and then she hung out and got pretty handsy she was touching you immediately yeah touching the arm

touching the shoulder knees and toes knees and toes knees and toes yes and uh and I was watching a gas with fucking Isaac Cazell

being like what's going what is this yeah how does this work I was puzzled what was happening for a little bit because you look like you.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I get it. Don't take that from him. Well, look at him, though. Look at you.

It doesn't make any sense that Emily cares about you at all. How the fuck? How did she see you? I just saw a picture of you on facebook from like 2013 which was when you guys were less than a year together yeah and you have like this weird tiny face you'd look ridiculous yeah you look like overall years oh yeah 2013 2012 yeah were overalls never showered no socks big old boots that just reeked. And then he'd be like, get those boots outside.

But then it was even worse because it was his feet and the boots that sucked. It was a lose-lose. And yeah, it's like Emily had the whole world in front of her. She could have done anything with her life. She did. She landed the big boy. She got the big fish on the hook. Yeah, she should have let that one go.

She should have cut bait. But instead, yeah, she ends up with you. Polk, you think we make sense, right? Yeah, to some degree. I'm sure there's some sort of horrors at home that we don't see projecting from her. I was thinking maybe it's because her dad was kind of small and maybe there was

a time where she was little and somebody you know a stranger on the street like accosted her dad and her dad kind of

couldn't do anything about it and she was like this sucks and so her brain was like Casey Jones raped her dad while Michelangelo was like awesome yeah Donatello's jerking off yeah her dad. While Michelangelo's like, awesome!

Yeah. Donatello's jerking off. Yeah. He'd be Raphael. The bad boy. He was always wearing that fucking overcoat so he could expose himself to people at the park. The emo kid. Yeah. Sam and Emily make sense. Women like to fix stuff. She's a doctor. She wanted to

get started with her biggest challenge yet. look at him he's wearing bicycle shorts inside he's a work in progress we all are you gotta remember that man no one's perfect uh well but yeah then i did the math of the like i was sleeping on a couch and probably too drunk to do anything anyway. Penis-wise? Was she asking you anything? Like, hey, why don't you come around the corner?

There's nobody with a mallet hiding in the... I thought that she was a pro for sure. That's all that made sense. She was from out of town. She was with a bunch of friends on a birthday party. And they were? Lards. She was inside with a half-wad squad, half-normal body squad. Yeah, I did some little research to find out who she was inside with a half watt squad half normal body squad yeah i did some little research to find out who she was with and she was with other people like normal well in america normal

women yeah and she was a diamond in the woof woof yeah dude a lot of beautiful black women seem to like dorky white guys yeah i think so That's how Bill Burt pulled. Yeah. You, in your head, you equate yourself to Bill Burt. Is that what you do? No. Just bald, weird looking white guy.

Kind of like when I shut my eyes, I think of myself as D'Lo Brown. You think what Bill Burt does wins over the average black lady

more than... Than what you did last night? Yeah. Where you lit a cigarette backward and asked her if she'd ever seen a football game? I did not do that.

Yeah, she was like, Hey, baby, can I get one of those smokes? She just needed a lighter. And you were like, Sure, here you go, guys. Hi there. Jake Becker, nice to meet you. Jake Becker, hell of a pleasure to meet you.

So what brings you over to my part of town? You ever been to LaFoot's before? I really wanted you to bed here. I would have helped pay for the hotel room. If I would have been thinking any little bit straighter, I would have pulled them off. We had a GoFundMe ready to go. If I was like three or four drinks earlier in the night,

I think I probably could have followed through. Yeah, you were fucking swag. So God, these Tulane fans are just dumping their fat ones all over. That was a dude. It's like I'm trying to fucking podcast over here. That was a shirtless dude. And I got to play it, play it cool. Nobody blow it.

God. So, yeah, Becker, tonight I think we're going to find you a Mandeville gal. Okay. There is a bartender there that's always very friendly. She's cute. She's always in a different Rick and Morty hoodie. Yes. She works at an arcade bar in a suburb 30 miles away from New Orleans.

You can talk about the bridge. Do you have some bridge facts? Not yet. Not big ones. You have to get some bridge stuff together. Okay. You can't go in there with your fucking limp dick in your hand and expect to pull tail in Manville. You have to go in there with your fucking limp dick in your hand and expect to pull a tail in Manville. You have to go in there, win time crisis.

Yeah. Tell it about some fucking support beans. Yeah, remember that Die Hard arcade game? Yeah. It was the best game ever. You played that game? Yeah. It was sick.

I don't remember that. It was a gun game. No, no, no. Die Hard arcade was a fighting brawl. Oh, that's right. Three, like, top-down, three-quarter view. It was on Sega Saturn. Did they have it? I thought it was only at the arcade. no no no Die Hard Arcade was a fighting brawl three like top down three quarter view it was on Sega Saturn

did they have it I thought it was only at the arcade at the Pizza Hut in Parker, Colorado people came from all over they came from

all over the world Fargo's what Fargo's had it for a little while what's Fargo's you've never been to Fargo's Pizza

no oh man I'm gonna blow your mind where is it it's in Colorado Springs and it's insane it's gonna taste like we didn it? It's in Colorado Springs and it's insane. It's going to taste like... We didn't all grow up in Colorado Springs.

No, but he grew up... He was in Elizabeth. He grew up as close to Fargo's as I did. We never hung out in Colorado Springs because we weren't religious zealots or man hunters like your family. That's right. Dude, yeah. Fargo's Pizza Rules is a two-story pizzeria built to look like it's an old Victorian hunting

lodge. Wow. I wish I gave a shit. And they make dope-ass pizza. We should, yeah, we should go. Stop hanging out with Tim, dude. What are you doing?

You're with Tim Allen? That's how he talks to everybody. Why would I care? I should care. Caring's good. Why wouldn't I? That's Tim Dillon. He just stated

both sides of something no what was I going to say before you brought up that riveting Fargo's pizza anecdote Die Hard Die Hard

they had it there too I thought you'd know the arcade oh yeah nope nope nope nope so Polk where did you go to college

I can't have that cliffhanger hanging over my head. Oh, we don't know. Yep. Oh, fuck. You were going to ask me if anything crazy happened in college. Yeah, because a kid drowned when I was in my college, and it ended frat parties forever, I think, at the University of Nevada Reno. Oh, no. Yeah, no ended frat parties forever i think at the university of nevada reno yeah no more frat no more frat parties no one ever partied ever again which is probably for the best

no more blacking out but yeah did anybody die uh i don't remember i remember i got in a fight with every band at like a hardcore show in a parking lot. Whoa. I was really big on like the Screamo hardcore scene and, you know, talking shit on Zanga about some of the bands. And like there was this one band, I forgot their, I don't even remember their name. Finch? Yeah, that was it.

The guy like spit in my face while I was on the front row, so I just tackled him and started punching him, and then the band dropped their instruments and started punching me. Oh, no. And then the whole crowd and all the other bands that were watching just jumped in. It was like a good old-fashioned brawl. And this was like, did you win the fight or were you destroyed? I got punched in the head with somebody that had on like a big old Justin's. That really rocked my world.

In the hardcore band, but proud of the fact that they graduated high school. I think so. That's all they've got. They took us to like the college jail, you know, which is like one cell. And they just saw that we were all wearing girl pants with sequined back pockets and they're like, alright, you fellas get out of here. We know what you fellas are gonna do

if we lock you in here. You don't need to edit that one. The lady doesn't clean until Monday. These were all bands named like February Burns Tomorrow. I was in a band called This Blessed Morning.

Oh, God. And morning was spelled M-O-U-R-N-D. Yes. We were terrible. We were so bad. Yeah, I think my... There was a band in my home town called like A Ship in Every Port or something. Yeah.

Yeah, and they were a joke. My friends and I drove from Reno to San Francisco to see it's like finished something corporate and like two other bands the water in the glass isn't water I don't know but the the during Finch there was like all these kids in black hoodies that were you know some type of gang or whatever the fuck and they they were there together and they were looking they were looking to fight

during Finch not during something corporate that wouldn't have worked one of them was like sitting was on the edge of the he was on the edge of the yeah and I flipped him over

and I said take off I said Reno take off to the city suck it fella no but one of them was like you know doing spin kicks and shit and I was like over it so I grabbed him and threw him

and then one of the other hoodie guys was like hey you better leave the motherfucker alone and I was like alright and then I'm trying to think of like like, hey, you better leave the motherfucker alone. And I was like, all right. And then I'm trying to think of like how many of them I can take at once. But then like six of them beat the shit out of the guy. And I was like, oh God,

I don't want to get kicked out before something corporate takes the stage. So I should probably settle down. Well, I would have no meaning unless I saw something corporate. Paul, I've seen the photos of you when you were a little scene-ster. Yeah. You were like 105 pounds, allergic to

air. Emaciated. Very machinist-looking style bottom. Yeah, but for some reason you could always see your penis through your pants. That's because it's huge. That's what I saw. He wears little whitey-tidies with fucking Dora

the Explorer on them. You guys have me undies with, like, you know, like, fucking Dora the Explorer on them, you know? You guys have me undies as a sponsor. You know what it is. Well, this, it's pedophilic, the underwear you wear. Not that you are, but, you know. I'm just saying. That's not a thing that you do. But, yeah, you'll always be standing there, like, before bed, wearing, like like a fucking mesh tank top and tiny underwear.

Looking at your phone and typing away evil thoughts. And I'm always like, huh, that's Polk's penis right there. Look at it all bundled up. So you're allowed to have your whole thing just like right there. And then you get mad at him for farting. Isn't that not fair? Huh? It doesn't emit any odors.

But it's certainly provocative. If your penis could fart. It certainly makes an impact. Hold me up. I had it right there. If your penis could fart. And then you touch my leg like I need to write it down.

Oh, I don't feel good. I have to email my commercial talent agent to say, Hey, I have a friend who might change the world. He's a copywriter. Can you leave any down at the patent office? There's like a spinning newspaper. Yeah.

Farting dick dominates world's fair I think my penis has gotten smaller in recent years I had the opposite of Dante So maybe it's not as terrible now Huh What? You have a little gunk that ate up some of your gunk? But you're sober now

The only calories you ever got were from Miller High Life That's true Yeah You know Chick-fil-A. You should see how slow this guy eats. You know how fast you eat? Comparatively? Yeah, I was going to say.

You're always wearing a bib with a cartoon hog on it. I was wearing the blue medals after I finished my bib. It's free! What? It was a t-shirt. I was hosing down a trough afterward. He had a duck sausage dog, and I didn't think that he was nursing it.

Because he was embarrassed about how long it took. Because he held us up for hours. I didn't hold anyone up. You cattle could have roamed. You wanted over to the bookstore like you were going to find a magical cookbook that would grant you food wishes. I was stoked to find anything in there, but of course, it's a fucking bookstore in New Orleans,

so it's like, do you like Walker Percy? Do you like Anne Rice? Well, if you don't, you're fucked in here. Get the hell out. Faulkner lived here for an afternoon. Move it along, chublet. I don't think people read New Orleans. He said the books are all about New Orleans.

They're all about New Orleans. They're by New Orleans authors. Well, you were on Frenchman Street, which is very tourist. I've been to four bookstores, though. Have you been to Books a Million? No, I haven't been to Books a Million. Rust in Louisiana. Next to your parents' fucking snowball stand.

I saw several books that were... in Louisiana next to your parents' fucking snowball stand. Alright? I saw several books that were how to get vomit out of your Hawaiian shirt. And that seems like that's apropos for the weekend. It's how to talk to your kids about the plaques.

That's a big New Orleans book. We went to Louis Armstrong Park today. That fucking robot of Louis Armstrong is awesome. Shoots lasers from his eyes. If you're not pure of soul, the laser eyes take you out like in the movie. Fear before the march of Louis. You put a note in it of your lover's name. Hey, baby. You're good to hear the end of your lover's name. Hey baby,

you're good to hear from me. This is Louis Armstrong and I love you. Now that sounds like Vince. No.

I just want to tell you that Nathan is thinking about you baby and he's sending all of his love to you.

Me again. I wish I could have heard Vincent's voice but we sat at the venue after the show waiting for Isaac Cazell. And there was a DJ 30 feet from where we were sitting, and then another DJ 30 feet the other way.

And my head almost exploded. Luckily, they were facing the exact same way. Luckily, they were both being played at a reasonable volume. So it wasn't completely deafening. And then we got the most furious Uberber driver in the world does he matter yeah i was like oh you just pull behind that car it's like i'm not going over there yeah why was there's a chinese it was fun to watch you your face catch yourself you were like two syllables away.

It was Chef from South Park. Yeah, that's right. He was a big dude. He took up a lot of that escalade. Do you think he was mad because you were bigger? No, I was not. He doesn't fear any mortal. Really?

No, he was half God. But yeah, why didn't he want to cross that street? Because he would have had to go up to an area that he didn't want to and turn around. Gotcha. I don't know. I think he was upset when you asked him if he listened to the podcast. I tried to give him a sticker. Do you remember at lunch today, Becker?

Oh, God. Oh, God. Shut up, Becker? Oh, God. Oh, God. Shut up, Becker. If you could have heard the audio that made it through the other noise in the restaurant where we were sitting, you would have laughed your ass off. It was you up there being like,

can we get a table on the balcony? And then me and Becker sat down and the next thing we heard, like 30 seconds later, you were still talking to her somehow, was, yeah, I've got a podcast. And then you started laughing really hard. No. was, yeah, I've got a podcast. Then I started laughing really hard.

That's not even what I said. You didn't even hear the thing that you're making fun of me for. And then you were talking about your shirt being cool. She started the conversation, I love that shirt. I said, really? It's so stupid. It has a bunch of crawdads on it. She's like, no, I like it. I was like, I wish it had corn and potatoes on it.

She's like, oh, that'd be fun. And then she said something no I like it and I was like I wish it had corn and potatoes on it she's like oh that'd be fun and then she said something about a gay shirt that's so funny what happened shut the fuck up I'm listening oh yeah I'm the nasty one I didn't know she was still talking about shirts

no she was busy and I was wasting her time oh wait that's what you do to every person you meet. You say, look at me, I'm a little teapot. I do not. I was good today, remember? Well, this is happening. Sam's doing the hula, trying to get a conga line.

Yeah, I'm talking to someone because they... He's dropping his tie in the soup. They complimented me. And Sam's like, that's my move. And it's like, no, my move. And it's like, no, you just yell at people and you do Louis Armstrong

everywhere you go. Not just in New Orleans where it's slightly less inappropriate. How is it inappropriate to do a perfect impression of Sasquatch? No.

Yeah. What is it? Louis. No. Yeah, Louis Armstrong. What were you trying to say instead of Sasquatch? Oh, Satchmo.

The trumpet player. Yep. I think that's a Rugrats joke. But anyway. You called me a Satchmo last night. Well, I had a couple of drinks in me. No, it was funny though because she said, and don't worry guys, only four more minutes.

And then I said, well, he can tell you another boring story for four minutes and then they fucking like high five and she threw her hat at me

and it landed on my head and spun around it was perfect that's right yeah I had a nice conversation with somebody and you hated it

because you weren't involved so you had to get in there I was jealous get a laugh yeah and it crushed no I don't think they cared that laugh lingered for like until we got our table no it didn't so you had to get in there. I was jealous. Get a laugh. Yeah, and it crushed. No, I don't think they cared.

That laugh lingered for like until we got our table. No, it didn't. Yes, it did. It was a percussive wave. Where were we now? We went to Tableau. Oh, I went there with Robbie Goodwin. That's up.

I think I've eaten on that balcony at Tableau more than I've eaten anywhere in New Orleans because my mom loved it there. It's a great spot. She had good taste, but like she would fucking blow it, dude. Her first stop would always be the Jazz Cafe

down there, right by Cafe Du Monde. It's the biggest tourist attraction restaurant. Where the jazz got a mess. Yeah, it's past the jazz zone. Yeah. But anyway, the food's dog shit, and she would always get fettuccine Alfredo.

And my dad would be like, Betsy, don't get that damn Alfredo. You know what happens to you. And she'd be like, shut up, Dave. I don't want to hang out with Santa Claus. My mom was like, ho, ho, ho, open up the chimney. This doesn't have to be an electric wheelchair. Julie! this doesn't have to be an electric wheelchair Julie the cops are after her

the tiny ambulance those are funny the Mr. Bean ambulance he couldn't fit in one of those Sam would need two and one would have to go in reverse and one of the doors would be it's like a butt to go in reverse and the doors would be open it's like a butt to butt situation

I'm the dildo yeah yes you are you're a fake dick that's you all over I'm just thinking about my mother disappearing on her wheelchair drunk and then she comes back the other way and she's driving a mule cart and then a cop is chasing her in her own wheelchair

oh yeah but she would fucking we'd go there and she would yell at my dad and he'd be like betsy and she'd be like you would never have come to new orleans ever if it weren't for me so just shut up and let me eat my fettuccine and then she'd eat fettuccine and have like three cocktails and then the next two hours was just her ruining the Airbnb toilet all the time that was from like I was like 17 until

she couldn't tell my dad to shut up anymore that must have been the hardest part for her was not being able to tell my dad he was a dipshit to knock it off oh my god that was brutal that being able to tell my dad he was a dipshit? To knock it off. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was brutal that she couldn't tell my father off anymore. But you said it was...

He got the last laugh, didn't he, fellas? Dude's rule. Yeah. Yeah. She couldn't talk when he put that pillow over her face. He did it. Don't out him. Well. her face he did it well poke I hate to make you repeat this story from yesterday when Becker blew it but didn't you reach out to my father on Thanksgiving yeah I love your dad yeah he loves you he literally was like how was Andrew we have a long history I I love him sincerely. He likes stuff I post on Instagram and on Thanksgiving.

He liked a photo that I posted of my day of my meal or something like that. And I just wanted to be like, hey, Dave, thinking about you, I hope you're having a great Thanksgiving. And he just smiley-ed it. He just did the smile emoji back to it. Not even like send it in the message, just how you can slash it on, is what I said. It's like, thanks. And he doesn't have an excuse. He's not like an old man who's incompetent with Instagram.

He's very good at Instagram. I'm sure. The Explorer tab's got some soppy knockers on it. I had to guess. He does have a oddly horny feed it's weird it's all like high heel shoes and black and white maybe that's when my i love you father message came in he was like whacking off some sexy gal i hope he's not whacking. You hope he's just sitting there with his torment

unreleased? Well, I don't want to say this, but he's been going to a lot of grief groups. Picking up snacks?

I think he's fucking 13 step in. Yeah, like he wanted to leave Thanksgiving early because he's like, I just want to get home before the rush. And it's like, he wanted to leave Thanksgiving early because he's like, I just want to get home before the rush. And it's like, you're driving from Castle Rock to Elizabeth. There's no rush.

Yeah, I think he's just fucking cherry-hocking these, like, broke-brain old bitches. I know. The trauma bonding agent is jizz. Yeah, yeah, they're all glued together. Damn. Like me and Becker's pillow. He just raises his hand at the meeting.

Does anyone here eat fettuccine alfredo? No? Alright. My dad just raises his hand and says seven and a half soft. Seven strong. I remember seeing my dad's hog once in the shower because you were also in the shower no i had a very good telescope times were tough

no i hurt my leg really bad when i was in like sixth grade this is weird i was in sixth grade i couldn't walk i like tore my fucking tendon or something so my dad had to give me a shower one time like a bath because I couldn't wash myself and uh he was wearing the same underwear I normally wear yeah no no he like got in there and was like oh this is stupid and he just like took his pants off so I was like how old are you when you're in fifth grade or sixth grade eleven yeah I'm like eleven or twelve seeing my father's hog it's just like

pendulous in front of my face because he didn't wear underwear at all so when he took his pants off he was like I gotta get in

the shower with you I might as well be nude oh okay yeah yeah that's weird that's a weird memory to have

when I was probably semi hold on no no don't process it not now santa has to think save it for the plane ride home hold on a minute when i was a similar age that guy wasn't really wavy gravy i ate shit on my bike and fucked my leg up with gravel and stuff. My dad made me sit in the tub and scraped it off. But he didn't have to get nude.

He kept his clothes on. Yeah, I know. He didn't make up an excuse and put his dick in my face. Maybe I was a lot younger when I saw this hog. And your dad didn't think it would be a lasting memory? We used to hot tub together naked all the time. That was our big thing. No bubbles? No, there'd be bubbles. memory. We used to hot tub together naked all the time. That was like our big thing. No bubbles.

No, there'd be bubbles. My dad was a big hot tub guy as a kid. Not from the hot tub. Yeah, Santa was in there. No, like fucking, there was a newspaper thing that Denver Post did with men who were staying home to raise their kids, men who quit their jobs to raise their kids, and my dad was profiled.

And there's a direct quote in there that all of my family has framed. Your dad was racially profiled? They said, now as a black man it must be hard to find a job, so is this really a choice? And he was like, I'm not black. And they were like, moving on. Answer the question.

You will be in the print edition. The defense rests. No, but it says, there's a quote that says, and young Sam enjoys activities with father. And then it quotes, we hot tub all the time, and we don't wear no clothes or nothing. End quote. Yeah.

Yeah, so for some reason they published that. It was a hit piece. That's what my dad has. He's got a hit piece. He can play the drums with it. I think he's just picking off fucking... Widows. Widows, yeah.

Right, widows. Yeah, widows. It's pretty cool. Honestly. Sure, yeah. Because they don't want to attach. If that's his process. Well, and, yeah, anybody who's loved and lost,

I don't know that he'd want to, like, have another long-term relationship, because what if that guy dies too, you know? Fuck that. So then you're just trying to get wet. Odds are he's gonna die one day. Yeah. Before you. For the woman, yeah. It's like, oh, good. I'm gonna, what, wipe

your ass for another decade and a half and then you're gonna leave me iron dry? Yeah. Fuck that all. Fuck the whole thing. Give me my nut. I'm just going to get stabbed. Hey, meet me at the La Quinta in Casaroc. Come slurp my guarpus. Hey, you know, Fargo's

got the Die Hard arcade game. Oh, yeah. We've got to go to Fargo's. I've got to see this thing. You don't got to see it. No, no. Not Fargo's. The Die Hard video game. I don't remember it, which, no, not Fargo. It's the Die Hard video game. I don't remember it, which doesn't make sense. Because like you said, I'm older than you. You're very old. Die Hard is older.

Well, not older than me, but it came after me, and so it should have been everywhere that I was. I was all about the arcade games. I remember Time Crisis and fucking that Aerosmith shoot-em-up. Revolution?

Terminator? Yes. Terminator 2 was pretty fun. Guns N' Roses had a fucking game. Remember when they had the spooky

like Carnival Shooter? It was the Aerosmith one. What? Remember the Carnival Shooter game? Yeah. House of the Dead was fun. I'm not talking about

your nickname the paper game here. No, there was like House of the Dead. Is that it? No. The nickname the paper gave you. No, there was like House of the Dead. Was that it? No. It was set in an abandoned carnival. There was like Carnival.

Carnival! Oh, nailed it. Yes. I thought you were going to... Carnival was sick, dude. Yeah, that was good. We're performing at an arcade tonight. And with older games?

Yeah. They have like some Nintendo 64s in a room with beanbag chairs. Oh, God. Those chairs feel like Santa was sitting in them. And there's also pinball and arcade games and shit like that.

Oh, again? What do you mean again? It's only been twice. That one? Yeah, more than... God, he doesn't know what again means. He than... God, he doesn't know what again means. He's so dumb. He doesn't know what again is. Yeah, that's so weird.

I don't... Oh, the lights are flickering. Were the lights flickering while I was on stage last night? I feel like I was having a seizure. You could see them? Yeah. I didn't think that you could, because when I was on stage, I didn't notice them as much at all. But yeah, it was having a seizure. You could see him? Yeah. I didn't think that you could because when I was on stage I didn't notice him as much at all.

It was nuts. It was like huge, big, white bulbs going off. Yeah, every time I would sing Heil, I would get blinded by the lights. Yeah. It was crazy because Vincent had been pretty stressed about just generally running a show.

You know, you don't know. I only ran this show every week for the last 15 years. Every week, it's a surprise party. It's crazy. Every week, sometimes people come. Sometimes I come in my pants because a lot of people are in attendance. Yeah, he started to mess with it while you were on stage. And then when I was on stage, I didn't notice, so I didn't think you had. No, I noticed it.

Somebody was shining a laser pointer into my eyes. All sorts of stuff. It was like a deleted scene from Mallrats last night. I think it was a good show. I laughed at your joke about Oreos. That was very funny, and I was the only person to laugh at it. True. That's usually how it goes.

They got fucking, they got uptight with a lot of stuff. Especially, or even things that didn't make sense to get uptight about. They were just drunk morons. No, I think they were a little young, uh, we can't laugh at that because we're trying to be like good

people and I thought some of the silence was it wasn't it didn't make sense because you weren't being like shitty well yeah i think that's where the drinking comes into it because they're not present enough to keep up with it and know what's actually happening they just hear a word that could be in a bad yeah frame i mean new orleans is the worst city in america do comedy in people are annihilated it's like hey you've been drinking

out of an anchor all day some icy filled with tequila do you want to sit down for an hour and a half and listen to three people that's why there's no club you just pissed on a Kia it was an Altima

well there is a club here what do you know about that club club. You just pissed on a Kia. It was an Altima. Excuse me. Yeah, well, there is a club here. What about that club? Well, I just know that I had to reschedule my shows. Oh, okay. Not reschedule. I had to cancel my shows there. You reschedule? Shut up. See you in

summer 2023. I'm back as Tam Salad. I'm actually doing their parade in the Jazz Fest. Did you guys see the Christmas parade today on Canal? No, we're not fucking babies. There were like, you know, 45 foot balloons.

Yeah, right. Damn it. We're actually balloons? That's why everybody was waving at us. That's why 16 people were standing around me Holding me I did have those ropes around my neck It was right down in Canal?

Don't It was, it was right there That's crazy, it's right out the door We probably slept through it We didn't probably sleep through it, we did sleep through it Because you were up throwing up so early I couldn't sleep Oh, okay, you said you didn't hear it I it we did sleep through it because you were up throwing up so early I couldn't sleep oh okay

you said you didn't hear it I was trying to make you feel better okay yeah I heard the joyous celebration outside the vomiting what Lum was up to I was just sleeping this morning

I wanted to bring that girl back here I didn't want I wanted you to bring that girl back here and I was going to give you my bed which is in the communal space with Nathan yeah so so then you just have to be like oh baby don't worry that's just that's just old man lung he can sleep through anything he takes his hearing aids out before he goes to bed so don't worry about him yeah he can't wake up those are the only two beds in here what That's a laundry room.

Becker's sleeping in the dryer. I thought this was like your make-a-wish. You were like, I'm bringing Becker down for his coming-out party. It's going to be his first time in New Orleans. We're doing this as a big favor. You're sleeping on the couch? I didn't say we're doing this as a big favor. I said it's Becker's first time in New Orleans so we gotta do all the New Orleans stuff

okay he's third in the becking order yeah people don't listen to the pod for Becker I feel like he should get a bed no he's the youngest is he?

well yeah I'm a year younger than Sam okay I'm 30 year younger than Sam I'm 30 29 forever when we were doing shows you would say like I'm 42

and the audience wouldn't even blink I know it hurt I never liked that you had to keep going up a year we did like 5 shows by the end of it you were like 52 at that point people were like okay yeah I was 27 when that was going on up a year. We did like five shows. By the end of it, you were like 52. At that point, we were like, okay. I was 27 when that was going

on. And then I would go up there and go, my girlfriend, and the place would lose their minds. Yeah, they'd be like, okay, what's next? These guys loved to lie. A parent with sunglasses on.

Yeah, no, we were lying a lot. White Cotton went to the bathroom every 12 minutes. Do you remember that? Having to stop. I think he was pulling up his socks. Yeah. Do you remember that? Well, we thought that he was a horrible IV drug user.

That was our hypothesis. Who thought that? Well... I only joined in on that thought completely. Yeah, it's like, why does White Cotton have to go to the bathroom again? He's not that old. We had that show together, the three of us, White Cotton and Joey Ficken in

Bastrop, Texas. It was a cool looking room, a cool looking bar, and I was like, oh, maybe this will be fun. And of course it wasn't. Except for the fact that we were all together. Oh my God. It was fun. And of course it wasn't. Except for the fact that we were all together. Oh my God. It was fun. It was fun because we all got to eat shit together.

I didn't eat shit. You kind of did. No way. Remember why I didn't? You made fun of someone who had been kicked in the head by a mule. He had flippers strained. He was an extra from Geek Club. Yeah.

You guys, he was up there honking and squonking the whole show you know and we well we did a sunflower seed yeah he was born on the cob we did our chair back the three of us did our well-written material to silence and then you went up there and said what's that fucks deal and they were like oh oh, that's Squiggy. Somebody poke him. He'll howl if he sees the moon and you're like, go outside, Squiggy. And then he howled. And then you made fun of him and everybody liked it instead of stomping you

like they were in Augustana or whatever. Damn it, they weren't the right band. Damn. Blood Brothers. They were indie. Yeah, no, I did. I just pointed out the foibles in America, you know? In Bastrop's drinking water.

Yeah. Well, it's the differences that bring us together. What? The differences that bring us together. I believe you called him Augie. Probably. And there's one change in the hole in his head. I did.

I said, feed the meter. Yeah, but he was stoked that someone was treating him like a human being instead of you guys who wouldn't look at him. No. Yeah. I wasn't either at all. Othering him. No, that was the hero they needed.

You asked somebody for a net. I think he was in the dish pit cleaning the plates off with his tongue, and so we didn't see him. And then when he clocked out, he walked in when Sam was on stage. And of course, he was so desperately in need of something to get a laugh. Vitamin D.

Look how big that guy's head is. How many heads is that? And everybody liked it instead of running you out of town. No. Oh, goddammit, it came back in. No, it didn't. Yes, it did. I'm smelling it.

It did. Well, Santa's here. Santa's back. Yeah, then Joey died. Joey is dead, which sucks. Allegedly. He got very funny. He didn't get very funny.

Some of the stuff he posted online was great. It was funny. On stage, I think he was still overthinking it, but on Facebook, he would come up with some real gems and it was sad that he died. It was like right after his brother's wedding, which I'm sure was a nice time. It sucks. It's going to be a funny anniversary for them.

Yeah, I know. Well, it wasn't the next day. I don't think it was a couple days. Not that that's better, but... Oh, man. Jesus. That was Becker. He just hit Becker. No, it's not the fart smell of my

fucking expensive, tasty, good-smelling weed. Okay, I'm the bad guy. Yes! Finally! In that situation, you are. Maybe now that you've said it, you'll believe it. You've got four minutes left. Well, I think some closing thoughts are in order. I'm leaving all of that in.

As long as you're in the bedroom, you can deal with what you just did. I can't handle it. Did you step in it? Is that some, like, bounce slang? Oh, my God. It really does. It smells like dog shit. I wish they hadn't burned all of my COVID mask outside of the judge's house.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. So, do you want to go to this Nuggets game tomorrow, or do you think it's stupid? I'm probably not going to go. All right. Well, if you're not going to go, I'm going to have to this Nuggets game tomorrow Or do you think it's stupid I'm probably not going to go Alright well if you're not going to go I'm going to have to bow out to He wasn't going to go I thought maybe we would go

So that he could watch football on TV You hate football now No I love it but Nuggets I don't know live basketball game sounds fun You maybe would go if you hadn't just gone If Hulk was going If you were going How much are courtside seats for the Pelicans game You maybe would go if you hadn't just gone. If Polk was going, if you were going.

How much are courtside seats for the Pelicans game? Against Denver? Yeah. Probably be $1,500. Fuck. It's going to be like Lil Boozy. You can get a great seat in there for $100. I'm just thinking about who I can sit next to like Manny Fresh if I was courtside.

Yeah, maybe so. I could show him the court. Cam sit next to, like, Manny Fresh if I was courtside. Yeah, maybe so. I could show him the court. Cam Jordan goes to a lot of games. He'll probably be playing football tomorrow, though. No, he's playing on Monday. Oh. Well, maybe. Interesting. Cam Jordan and I are old friends.

Yeah? Yeah. There's, like, a local attorney that sits courtside. Remember when that guy for the Saints got shot? Will Smith? Yeah, it was there when he got shot. What? I did it. Oh, yeah, was there when he got shot. What?

I did it. Oh, yeah, that's why I was there. Because Cam paid me off. You were there or are you joking? No, I really was there. Where? It was at Half Moon, which is over where y'all were the other night by Down the Hatch. I was with a couple of comedians.

We were going to Half Moon and traffic was backed up on the street it wouldn't normally be backed up on so we're like you know pissed off and we get out and then we see like a car up ahead with a body in it and this guy runs up and he'd snapchat and cam Jordan uh Will Smith's dead body and was showing it to everybody and then we went inside and you know had a couple Zimas you guys did your impression of Will Smith? He died? Yeah. You were like, wow, Wes, not Jadis. No, I know the football player, but I don't remember him dying. He was murdered by some guy outside of a bar

in a traffic altercation or something. We didn't know it was him until we saw Pierre Thomas standing out in the road with police officers. And we were like, okay, something's amiss. And then we saw you lur out in the road with police officers and we're like okay something's amiss and then we saw you lurking in the shadows and we paid no mind

I was putting lipstick on the barrel of a gun saying you're my only friend now Jesus you and him were friends and you killed him anyway I didn't shoot Will Smith what did he say something funny and got a big laugh he was mad at me because I asked

him what Carlton was like in real life. He didn't think that was funny. He said his name is Giovanni Ribisi. No, it's not. It's something else. He said, guess what, dingus? I've heard that before. I was like, I don't care for that. He was like, I don't care for that.

I was like, okay, well, you're going to go meet the devil. I sent him to hell oh fuck what that's just a lot you're a lot you're a handful I'm manly

he's dead when was that a few years ago I don't know were you in college shit well I do think that we want to shit well I do think

that we want to Polk you have like a Globetrotters podcast or something what is it cover the Washington Generals

yeah it's called Weeby Dribbling what oh I'm not allowed to shake my head when you say Weby dribbling? You just said it.

Isolate that. That was your satchmo voice. Yeah. Oh, dribbling. Come on, Sam. Stop. I like doing the voice. Stop doing it.

Polk, tell them about yourself. I have a podcast called Polk and Kush. It covers New Orleans in general and the Pelicans and the Saints. And you probably want them to listen to it? If you want to. Okay. When I did Norm MacDonald, for all the Fort Collins listeners, when I did Norm MacDonald for Stick or Treat,

Polk gave me some of those jokes, including the one that Adam E. get read. And you have not said that. You've always been saying that. You wrote all those jokes, including the one that Adam Eget read. And you have not said that. You've always been saying that. You wrote all those jokes. Not true. Adam Eget read a joke. You literally said, Adam Eget read a joke that I wrote. No, no, no.

And it's not true. It's not true. No, it is true. I didn't hear anything about you with regard to the sticker. I heard something going around saying he's gay. Yeah. And also going, Hiya!

Doing all your bits. So yeah, Polk, no one's funnier than Polk. And hey, we're coming to Chicago. We're at Zayn's next week on the 9th and 10th. Not Polk. Me. He's not allowed to leave the state during December. Salmon lung. In case someone throws a sugar cookie at him and he has an attack.

He's allergic to everything. Except for pussy. So yeah. He's happy. He's in a relationship. So yeah. We're at Zany's in Chicago next week on the 9th and 10th. Coming out London is featuring on those shows. I'm actually headlining those shows.

Yeah, right. What is it, opposite weekend in Chicago? That's right. And then I'm going off to, I'll be at Cosmic Comedy in Berlin, the 16th and 17th of December. Look for me in Amsterdam the 22nd. And then I'll be in House of Comedy, Detroit, December 23rd. Come out to that show. I want to fucking impress Emily's family

with all the white nationalists who listen to my podcast so House of Comedy December 23rd in Detroit and then I'll be at

Comedy Club on State for New Year's weekend Lund will be up there as well we love you and we'll really love you if you fucking

subscribe to our goddamn Patreon alright we know you just got your government checks. It's the first of the month. Alright? Maybe just, maybe ask for Christmas this year instead of untraceable hollow

point bullets. Maybe, uh, don't ask for... Quit dipped in pig's blood. Yeah, don't ask for fertilizer. Ask for, uh, ask for a subscription to the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Shag showybehemoth. Extra episode every week. You know us.

You love us. Godspeed. R.I.P. Will Smith.