Chubby Behemoth - Bonus: Cobos Patrick Pod With Sam

Episode Date: May 1, 2022

sam tallent from chubby behemoth stops by!! It’s a cross over episode!!! Like when family guy goes to the simpsons!! alec flynn was there too

why is everyone breaking up right now why is everyone breaking up right now welcome to co-hosting patrick podcast i'm your co-host patrick and i'm your co-host co-host. What's up, everybody? Hell yeah. We got a guest on. It's our first guest. First on my guest. Yeah, dude. Guess who it is.

Guess who it is, Kobos? You're guessing right now. It's Sam Talent. Yeah, we have Sam. I don't have an audio stream on there. I know. It's only going to be two tracks because there's only two. How am I supposed to watch how loud i'm being

well i apparently i'm being that's what i'll mix it after don't worry about it you and kobus are on the same channel oh nice man yeah it's like vh1 yeah dude i love did you guys have that in uh old mexico yeah dude and then we didn't have it when I moved to Aurora. It sucked, dude. It's truly an honor to be here, guys. Hell yeah. The fans have been clamoring for it. They have, dude.

This is the crossover event of the summer. Every post is like, you guys are annoying. Where's Sam Town? You guys are annoying. Where's Sam Town? Can we get more of Kobos laughing? Yeah, totally. Yeah, totally.

Can Patrick look like his SRIs aren't working again? I'm on SSNRIs. Guess what the N stands for? Not working. Holy shit. Yeah, dude. Well, you're welcome, Sam, for getting to come on our pod and plug Chubby Behemoth. Oh, yeah. You're two-thirds of Chubby Behemoth. Oh, yeah.

You're two-thirds of Chubby Behemoth, right? Very good. Hopefully, we'll swap cast this. We'll put it out on the Chubby, and then hopefully people will come listen to your podcast. Hell yeah, dude. Because, Patrick, every good thing that's ever happened to him in comedy

has been a direct result of me. It's true. It's good. Specifically, your podcast. It's all been in the last six months direct result of me. Specifically your podcast. It's all been in the last six months. They love him so much on there. They hate me on there. They don't hate speech him on the subreddit.

Downvote me. Pat's always posting on the subreddit. He's such a little bitch. He's like, look at this video I made. They're like, shut up, bitch. Yeah, like shut up, you fat bitch. Where am I supposed to post on our fat bitch?

Yeah, anywhere else. Maybe post it in a place where people don't actively hate you. No, they like him. They just hate Noah. Like a lot. As they should. Even though Noah's dead cousin has been like the greatest part. That's like the best bit we ever had.

Noah has a dead cousin? Oh boy. Did he kill him? Oh dude. Did he kill him? You don't know about Toad? No. Oh my god dude. Noah has this like shrunken little boy who like has like Benjamin Button disease and couldn't get big. Yeah so he's

just like this little guy who looks like he's like 53, but he was like 19. Holy shit. And he like died. Like someone put him in a dryer and turned it on and he died or something. He fell down the stairs. He fell down the stairs.

He fell off a curb or something. Holy shit. So he died of shaken baby syndrome. Yeah. As an adult. As an adult. Yeah. Adult onset shaken baby syndrome.

Yeah. It's, uh, you know, SIDS. Yeah, as an adult. As an adult, yeah. Adult onset shaken baby syndrome. Uh-huh, yeah. It's, you know, SIDS? Yeah. He had AIDS. Dude, good for him, dude. Yeah. Meanwhile, Noah is like genuinely bummed out by all of this. He's very sad.

Yeah. It really hurts his feelings. We were guests in his house, and I was like, whoa, look at this picture of a freak. And Noah was like, he died 10 years ago today. I took a picture of it and posted it, and then Noah was like, please take that down. He's in the grave. He perished. Yeah, dude.

Yeah. And it was 10 years ago. I don't know. I mean, he's like... I don't know how he passed. I'm sure it was tragic. It could have been like a bird attack. He's very smart. Like a raven or an owl.

A bird picked him up and then dropped him. That's how Chris Charpentier moved to LA. A pelican picked him up in his beak and then plopped him. He's like, well, I guess I'm on Kimmel. I live here now. Maybe he died because he got beat up I live here now. I'm here. Yeah, dude. Maybe he died because he got beat up by Hasbulla.

I like that. Yeah. Yeah, doesn't that guy, like, call Jews dogs and stuff? Probably. Yeah. He's a little maniac. I've seen so many videos of him pulling out guns on people and shit. Yeah, and you're like, you rascal.

Well, it's like, you can't be afraid of that guy. It's the same reason I was never afraid of Chucky from Child's Play. Because if Chucky comes out, you just hit him with a broom. Totally. Or like, you know, get up on the bed. You know? You're going to see him hop up on the bed. Yeah, it's the same way you treat Noah.

Exactly, yeah. Yeah, red-headed freak. No genitals. Yeah, him and Chucky are very much the same. Brought to life by a curse. Yeah, perpetuallyheaded freak. No genitals. Yeah, him and Chucky are very much the same. Brought to life by a curse. Yeah, perpetually a child. Believes in some weird religion that's all bullshit. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, dude. Oh, God, that kid sucks. Are you going to drop in a photo of Noah right here? I'll probably just have his Instagram feed playing up here the whole time. Dude, have you seen Noah's high school senior project? No. Whoa. Yeah, you got to link that.

Dude, I cannot make it public knowledge, but I'll show it to you later. It's like him. He looks like he's condensed. He was smushed. Legally smushed for some reason. And then it's him going up to women and being like, so what do you think about Roe vs. Wade? And they're just like, gross.

Beat it. He's like dog dick red, sweaty. His voice is even more high pitched. What do you think about Roe vs. Wade? He's like 70 pounds heavier and like 8 inches shorter. I think that his parents had him medically stretched.

He got like an enlargening where they broke his legs. Totally. The Princess Bride where they stretch him out with the ropes. Follow official Noah Reynolds on Instagram. I love Noah. I wouldn't hang out with such a Yeah, and I love Noah. Yeah.

I wouldn't hang out with such a little mutant if I didn't like him. Yeah, totally. He's like, he's the opposite of Alec. Yeah. Alec Flynn's in the house. Yeah, dude. Alec Flynn is... Yeah, break stuff. Alec Flynn is everything that Noah dreams of being.

Right. Like, he's handsome, he's funny, he's visibly hard. You can see he just torqued over there. He has a bulge. Yeah, dude. He can do a French tuck and no one makes fun of him. Yeah, dude.

Meanwhile, I want to just put Noah in a toilet and flush every time I see him. Yeah, totally. You know? Yeah, dude. And that's just to get him clean.

Yeah. He's so sticky all the time. Oh, yeah. Because he loves honey bunches of oats. Yeah. His family, whenever he's gone for too long, they just fill a bird he loves honey bunches of oats. His family, whenever he's gone for too long, they just fill a bird feeder

with honey bunches of oats. Then they find Noah in the back. Shabbat shalom. He gets stuck in the little clear tube of the bird feeder. Oh, yeah. They have to call an expert. It's like, this isn't funny.

Hey, let me out of here. I'm an expert. It's like, this isn't funny. Hey, let me out of here. I'm an adult. Asking the birds for spots on their shows. Poor Nomar. Welcome to the We Hate Noah episode. No, I love Noah, which is why I don't feel bad about blasting him. Yeah, totally. There's a lot of people I don't give a shit about, and I've never said one bad word about them.

That's true. Because one day they'll be agents and managers. Yeah. Soulless cucks, dude. Yeah, one day they'll be booking the Columbus Funny Bone. Dude. And they'll be like, remember what you said about me on Kobos and Patrick's podcast? Hey.

It's Patrick. He's booking it. It's Patrick now. I'm booking the Ohio Funny Bone. It's not even a city anymore. It's the whole state. It's got to be that big for both of us to fit in it.

Ohio is just fucking giant fat people all over. Yeah, it seems like the state of gout for sure. Yeah, yeah. I've never been. You've never been to Ohio? Oh, you'd love it, dude. You'd love it.

Because everyone looks like you. You've never been to San Antonio either, and everyone looks like me there. It's like when Noah goes to the bagel shop, you know? either and everyone looks like me there. It's like when Noah goes to the bagel shop. You know? I would laugh too hard at that anti-Semitic

joke. That wasn't anti-Semitic. Hey, you can't do my voice. I'm not. That's what I was talking about. The bagel boss? Yeah, dude. That little angry dude. That's what I was talking about. The bagel box. Yeah, dude. That little angry dude. That guy. That's the guy that killed Noah's cousin.

Yeah. Yeah. He fed him some rice. And it exploded in his stomach like a bird at a wedding. He smoked a cigarette next to his hollow bones. Yeah. I mean, the man is dead. It's bad.

It's bad? Well, it's over, so it's not bad anymore. Yeah, it's just the memory that haunts them. You think Noah just lays awake at night staring at the ceiling haunted by his dreams? Yeah, Noah lays awake at night because they forgot to hang up that thing over his crib. They know I can't fall asleep without that music. His fucking snooze jams. It's just got little pictures of the shows he's on.

His own dates. He's like, hmm. They're all guest spots. He's not getting paid for any of them. That's what hurts the worst. It does, dude. Holy shit. Yeah, I doubt it.

When he messaged us asking if he could do the show with you tonight, I was like, he can do it. He can do three and a half minutes for free, but that's it. Is he on it? Did you? I don't know. I didn't talk to him. Did you? I never texted him back.

Let him do a minute for every inch of his penis. Yeah. Three and a half. He has to let us measure, dude. Yeah. We don't need him lying. He's dick lying. What if Noah was like, oh, yeah?

And he's like, I'm doing 15. And we're like, no way. And then he whips out just this massive hog. Jeff Tice starts crying. It's as tall as me. Yeah. He's like, I'm not allowed on the roller coaster where this bad boy rides in the front. I'd love if Noah had a massive hog.

It'd be amazing, dude. Instead of standing on his tippy toes to look taller, he just gets kind of hard but puts it down below his pant legs so he can stand on his hog. Yeah, like when the dinosaurs got on their tail to look bigger. Dinosaurs did that?

I think so. The only knowledge I have of what dinosaurs did comes from Jurassic Park and that autistic guy on love on the spectrum oh yeah yeah i love that guy loved dinosaurs so much he couldn't get laid yeah that's what was stopping him from well no remember because he had that uh that like the cutest one on Love on the Spectrum was that deaf girl who looked kind of like Dobby you know what I mean his first season

yeah and she was like in love with him and she'd be like I want to move into a chalet with you and make babies and he was like

velociraptors their arms weren't as short as the movies make them out to be and she'd just be like i mean it was perfect because she was deaf so he should have just been able he walked the deaf girl he talked about dinosaurs so much holy shit yeah what a fucking dino king oh yeah. He loves dinos. That's amazing.

Yeah. You lay eggs like the Stegosaurus. My teeth are flat. I had them all flattened. Why did he have his teeth flat? Because he wanted to be like a dino. I'm an herbivore. Put your fingies in me mouth.

I can't munch them off. Let me polish your ring. He's just cleaning doorknobs with his flat teeth. Wow. That guy, I mean, that show made me cry all the time. Because you try to watch it for the wrong reasons, you know? Yeah, dude. But then, like,

as soon as their parents would be on, they'd be like, he didn't speak till he was 12 and now he drives a car. He's come so far. I just am so proud of Mark.

You know? It's like, I'm trying to have a giggle over here. Yeah, dude, and he's like, Tyrannosaurus Rex has had really long arms,

actually. Yeah, it's really sweet. He had a tail implanted. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, dude, and he's like, Tyrannosaurus Rex has had really long arms, actually. Yeah, it's really sweet. He had a tail implanted. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah, that show. He's like that lizard guy, that tattooed lizard guy. So that guy does open mics in Austin. Get the fuck out of here, dude.

Have you seen him when you're down there? No. Doing the Mike Stanley experience? No, yeah, yeah, dude. When you're cashing those checks paid out to comedy? Yeah, totally. Yeah, dude. Yeah, no. You guys are, like, yeah, dude. When you're cashing those checks paid out to comedy. Yeah, totally. Yeah, dude. Yeah, no.

You guys are, like, always in Austin. I know, yeah, because we were doing a monthly show down there. Oh, right on. Yeah. Mike's working a lot. I've seen him. Yeah, he's everywhere all the time. He's in, like, London or something.

Yeah. Anyway, that fucking lizard man with the bifurcated tongue. Yeah. Like, he devoted his life to being a lizard. And that's how fucked up stand-up is is he's like okay i'm gonna go do spots you know like i'm gonna sign up on the list it's like okay up next lizard man and then he goes up there yeah they light him and somehow he walks less people than all the other open micers.

He goes up to the host to introduce himself. Hey, I'm Lizardman. I know. Yeah, I know. Everyone in here knows. Everyone has seen Ripley's Believe It or Not. You didn't have to say who you were. Thank you, that's polite, but no shit, Lizardman.

Hell yeah, dude. We need you to get the fuck out of here. Are you sure you're not Dolphin Girl? What are you talking about? Of course. Dude, you think he can eat two butts at once with that tongue? So it's not long enough. It's not long enough?

You've thought about it before. Well, think about it. It would have to be very long to go off in a why situation but as you know if you were to jam two next to each other you would have to have like talking like at least eight inches of tongue on each side so maybe he's a pedophile

and he can't you're calling lizard man a pedophile? I'm just hypothetically damn dude you're being really inflammatory on this pod I was just making a joke about tiny asses. Yeah, you said they were kids. It's not me licking the two asses

with my stupidest person alive. Yeah, this is the dumbest podcast alive. Dude, that's not true. That's the thing. There's so many bad podcasts. You guys are funny. you guys are watchable luckily kobos laughs at everything anyone says and what he says the most you know one time i saw a fly land on a dog and tobos like fell backwards he was laughing so hard like a baby I was just stuck on my back. Yeah. I came and I changed you.

My diaper was just full of cum. It wasn't yours. It was Lizardman's. They call me the collection plate. I get passed around at church a lot. Yeah. I've been out with Tim Dillon, and he was talking about gay sex because he's a gay man.

And I was like, yeah, so when you guys do that, it's mostly doggy style, I assume. And he's like, no, pin my legs back. I'm the baby. Gotta love me. And he's saying this in a Michelin-starred restaurant. Holy shit.

Jesus Christ. Tim is the greatest, dude. He's so much fun. Yeah, he seems like a real wild card. Dude, I've never had so much fun with a person. And it's also crazy because he is chaotic, but also he knows the history of everything. He's incredibly smart. It's just weird.

Yeah. It's weird to be with a guy who sounds like a toaster and is telling you about the history of the CIA in South America. Getting fucked like a baby. Well, I don't know if he's doing it, but that was the thing that he said. You don't know if he's doing it, but he's like, that was the thing that he said. You don't know if he's a topper or a bottomer? I mean,

if I did, I definitely wouldn't bring it up on the pod, you know? You already brought up gay sex. The stupidest man. No. No. That's the new bit I'm doing. Alex is dumber than me. No, he's not. No way. That's what sucks. There's doing. Alex is dumber than me. No, he's not. No way. That's what sucks.

There's nothing to like about him on paper. You can hang out with him. He's really smart. He knows about the troubles. I'm smarter than Kobos. Oh, for sure. I mean, this shoe's smarter than Kobos. I took a bite out of that shoe earlier.

He's like, this phone tastes funny. I'm the baby. You gotta love it. Kobos didn't take the ACTs. He took the AC Slaters. It's just ripping each page up and throwing it in a trash can. I did take my CSAPs in high school, and I just fucking, they were, it was a bubble test, and I just bubbled in my name on it, and I turned it in and walked out.

And they were like, whoa, he knows how to spell his name. No, it was spelled wrong. Who's Butt Chobos? And you're like, don't think aurora high school was banking on you to do well for new computers so to be fair yeah hopefully it wasn't all hinging on you you went to aurora high school no i went to fucking smoky hill oh yeah soda went there too right yeah dude yep and steve aj jill chrissy yeah a lot of people smarter and more successful. My favorite CSAP story is there was a kid named Andy Quinn who I grew up with who was

a man and like, he was like eight years old. Yeah. I remember in like maybe fifth grade we were at a basketball or football camp or something and we had to change. And like we were all like, you know, no one took their like sweaty clothes off. You just like put another dirty shirt on over and meanwhile quinn like took his and he got completely nude and he has had like the biggest bush i've ever seen he's like 11 years old like full bush giant piece on him holy shit he got a dy on his 16th birthday by crashing the car into the welcome to elizabeth

high school sign at like 8 a.m yeah he was just out drinking all night long and he's like oh fuck i gotta get to shop class he just whipped his truck but i remember c-saps we all got let out into the hallways and i was walking with quinn and he pulled out a cigarette this he's like 16 17 lit it in the lobby of our high school and said, man, what the fuck is sin and cost? Sign and co-sign. He's just smoking. Like, what the fuck is sin and cost? So upset. He's the man, dude.

I like to think that he didn't crash because he was drunk. He crashed because his pubes were in his vision. He was combing his pubes. Yeah, he's like, oh, fuck. Those kids made me super insecure when I was younger, like the kids that were already men. Chris White, Andy Quinn, Robert Schroeder.

What do they know that I don't? I don't know. They grew up under power lines or something. Yeah, totally. You know? Their dad made them do sit-ups i remember quinn told me one time like i saw him after like the summer between junior and senior year and i was like andy what'd you do all summer and he was like smoked opium and drove my truck it's like what and he's like yeah man you

ever smoked opium and i was like no and he's like follow me so we just like walked out of our first class that day like first day of senior year and sat in his truck and smoked opium out of a Dr. Pepper can. Yeah. And I like stumbled into second period, like completely like Shanghai, you know? Yeah. I had China syndrome. I was just like blasted on opium. You were singing Mulan.

Yeah. Yeah, dude. He's the the goat what a fucking maniac you would love quinn yeah he sounds awesome he's the greatest dude he sounds like he still sells opium to high school kids no what he does now is he like you know makes like probably 800k a year like excavating oh shit because he was just a kid who like uh you know when it would snow he would just leave class and go drive a plow. Okay. I remember at our 10 year reunion for high school, Andy showed up just like totally beleaguered.

We were like, oh, Quinn, what the fuck happened to you? And he's like, oh, I worked 18 hours and I just came right to this. And we're like, all right. So he gets tanked, you know, does a million shots. We do the after party back at my parents' house in Elizabeth. I just remember his girlfriend who was super hot in high school, still looks fine. She was unattainable, but now she's with Andy Quinn, which is how the mighty have fallen. Although Andy, giant piece, full bush coverage.

Never eaten a pussy, Andy Quinn. His mouth's never been near a pussy. One of those guys? Yeah. Fuck that. He's black. I forgot to mention. He's a men's rights black activist.

But Andy passed out upstairs at my parents' house, and I just remember Tina standing over him and kicking him in the ribs really hard and being like, wake up. You always do this at parties. And it's like, what do you mean he always does this? He always works 18 hours, gets blackout drunk in 40 minutes,

and then falls asleep. You got a hardworking man here. Yeah, exactly. You know, show some respect. Dude, yeah, that's what you do when you're working that hard. It doesn't take that much booze to get you fucking hammered,

but you always go way overboard. Right. Dude, yeah. Trying to catch up. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I had a dad. Yeah.

I do. I just can't wrangle him up. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I had a dad. Yeah. I do. I just can't wrangle him up. Yeah, dude. His brain's too wily for me. Yeah. Your dad loved meth more than you guys, right? Oh, yeah, for sure. That was his disease, Patrick.

It wasn't your fault. It was addiction. It wasn't your fault that you were a fat, pubeless kid. Just like a little egg. He was a skinny, pubeless kid. Just like a little egg. And he was a skinny, hot meth head. Yeah, think of all the hot young men he's been hanging out with. Just a bunch of Alex out there. Just stealing light bulbs.

Light bulbs and copper. Trading dentures to go in the bank. That's right. Holy shit. Yeah, let's not talk about my dad. This is the second time that we've started talking about his dad on the pod, and he's like, okay, let's not talk about him.

He got arrested for drugs on 9-11. Whoa. Dude, he was really impacted by that, dude. Yeah. He just needed a little fucking release, and then he got caught buying drugs. Well, I mean, if you walk through the streets of New York

just up to your ankle and fucking teeth and bones, you know, like... He forgot to mention his dad was a firefighter in New York. Oh, yeah. So, like, it makes sense. He died in the third... What's the little building? Building six?

Oh, the bounce house? The bounce castle. The Chuck E. Cheese? The bounce house? The bounce castle? The terrace? They crash. The plane goes into the bounce house and just boing! The bounce is right now. The six little kids

just launched. And then baby Kobos is like, looks like I win today, terrorists. Yeah, Kobos, you had that Australian accent as a boy. I forgot.

Yeah, totally. Nobody knew where I got it. That's how stupid I was. He was on love on the spectrum. My name's Matt. No, it's not British. They're Australian. I'm Kobos. I, it's not British. They're Australian. I'm Cobos.

I like Major League Baseball. That's what you like as an autistic Australian. Because it's one of the only words I can say in an Australian accent. It's one of the only words I can say in Australian. Yeah, yeah. In the King's English. I'm not that dumb. I'm smart, actually.

I'm over there trying to put my shrimp on the Barbie. Your balls? Your pee-pee? You're just teabagging a Barbie doll. I'm doing it. Yeah. Yeah, dude. I was really into advanced sex stuff when I was a baby. Yeah.

I want to talk about, you know, Joe Rogan now. You're best friends with Joe Rogan now. That's not true. Yeah. No. Oh, now you're not going to talk about your best friend Joe Rogan on the pod now. No, I haven't discussed it on any pod. Why would I blow it on your shit show?

Why would I do all my fucking A material here? Call him. Call him right now. I don't want to talk about my new friendship with one of the most famous men in the world. I do want to apologize to the Aggie Theater people for showing up. How many listeners does this have? 200. 200?

Whoa. Yeah, dude. 200? Whoa. Yeah, dude. 20% women. And they're all hot. No. That's 40 women. Isn't that crazy? What, it's Kel?

My mom and... Your mom with her giant fake tits. Do you know about his mom? Yeah, oh, yeah, dude. She's got big bolts on. She's got fucking honkers, man. And they're like the bad

like 1991 tits. They like don't move. Yeah, dude. Just like two turtle shells attached to her chest. They came with an Ed Hardy tattoo. They bedazzled her ass cheeks. Yeah, they came with a sixer of Zima. Let's talk about my dad again, actually.

Does your dad have giant fake tits, too? That would rule. Hell yeah, dude. I did. He's got real That would rule. He's got real fake tits. He's got real big tits. Meth head with a rack? He's fat. He's my dad. He's a fat guy.

He smokes methamphetamine, though. I haven't seen him in a while. He's probably all skinny. Probably hot and cut. Has a new family of kids he loves. He has long hair, but he's balding so he looks like the crypt keeper

skullet yeah that's classic the crypt keeper dude fuck yeah riffraff no I went and toured Rogan's Club

and then had dinner with him and some other people you might have heard of yeah totally no big deal another day at the office

for a G like me you know this is what's gonna happen you know yeah and it's crazy cause like yes No big deal. It's another day at the office for a G like me. You know? This is what's going to happen. You know? Yeah. And it's crazy because, like, yes, it was cool to meet Joe Rogan, but, like, the thing about comedy that's fun is there's all these, like, monumental occasions that are, like, the most important thing that ever happens

to you at that point in your career. You know, like, the first time I was ever invited to dinner with Rick Kearns or, like, the first time Josh asked me to open for him like all these things are just as valid as important as the things that come next you know what i mean yeah it just so happens that uh i happened to cross not even cross pass got invited personally you know phone number given to by uh one of the most powerful men in the world jose, our experience. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, that's awesome.

Because there's always those moments like when you're like, you're hating comedy. You're like, why am I doing this? And then you just get that one little break that you're like, oh, this rocks. Yeah. And you always remember those as they come. Well, luckily we're funny. Yeah.

You know? Yeah, dude. Because there's a lot of like chodes floating in the bowl. Yeah. And no one's ever going to flush. Totally. Hey, Alec, you're going to be fine. You're funny.

Your eyes never quit sparkling even when they're shut. Your teeth glow in the dark. You're always hard. Sorry. Yeah. I told you. You just need to fucking get yourself into the whole barstool algorithm, and then they'll give you a job.

Yeah, dude. And you can be over there covering up rapes. Yeah, dude. I'll stream text! Yeah, dude. That is his future. Oh, yeah. For sure.

Not the rapes thing, but the barstool thing. You can. Something will happen. There's like once a week Alec will text me and be like, did you read that book about the troubles in Ireland yet? It's like, no, dude. No, I didn't. All right.

God. I would love to talk to you. You don't have to do it with this fake, have you read that book I gave you thing. Just be like, how you doing, big dog? Good, Alec. How are you? God. I was in Ireland just every four minutes like Alec Flynn.

Like, hey, did you read that book? It would really be appropriate for what you're experiencing right now. Uh-oh, your computer turned off. It's fine. It's probably not fine. We lost this whole app. We're not going to lose the app. We almost did lose it because my hard drive was almost full,

so I had to delete the last episode. You had too much child porn on there. Just terabytes of CP. Yeah, dude. Louis CP over here. Louis CP. I mean, they're kids, but

they're hot, I guess. I asked them and they said yes. Can I come? He just puts fake mustaches on them. He's not even a pedophile. He's a narcissist. His babies look like me. I like that.

They're similar to me. It's good. Nope. No's good. Nope. No. Nope. That's not what happened. You're not going to yes and? No.

Fuck. I'm too dumb to yes and. I'm glad I gave you $1,000 for improv classes. Yeah, I owe Sam $1,000. Yeah, it's okay. It's fine. I'm not hurting. I had dinner with Joe Rogan.

I'm okay. How much money is in your bank account right now? I'm not ever... You don't ask gentlemen those kind of questions. All right, dude. Pretty opaque with your financial situation financial situation dude only idiots keep their money liquid what do you what do you have it in solids like yeah very good all right serranos slam dunk yes i do have that iberico ham at my house. I know. I ate some of your last one.

I know. We had to cut around the mold. It's rancid fat. The rancid fat. That's what keeps it fresh. I almost ate some rancid fat, and you're like, that'll kill you. Yeah. And you were like, I don't want to live.

And Kyle Pug was like, this is the most important moment of my life. As he's fucking your ex. I'm sorry. Funny. It's funny. I mean, it's part of your arrangement. He was. I mean, everyone knew about it.

That's the thing about Pogue and Bandy. Our sexuality is our identity. We're here to fuck anyone. It's like, good for you. That rocks. They were fucking her before, during, and after we were dating. No skin off my back. Yeah. No sweat off Pogue's nuts.

This is the most important sex of my life. You make him sound like Joe from Family Guy. Peter! Evan! Evan! I can't do Patrick Warburton. Feels like an Arby's night. My penis got so hard, my legs stopped working.

Yeah, he fucked himself into a wheelchair. He blew his own back out. Holy shit. I blew my own back out, and it was the most important moment. That's my impression of Pogue, is just that every moment's the most important moment. I love pogue. Yeah, me too, dude. Comedy is high art.

It's unreal what a fuck machine that guy is. I would never let him near my wife's hole. Yeah, dude, yeah. You don't let her. She doesn't come back from that. No, dude. You know? I'm fucking 15 years younger than him, and his libido is insane.

Well, yeah. He committed a bunch of war crimes, you know? Yeah. Why do you think his arms blacked out? Yeah, exactly. It's all swaz. Oh, shit. Yep.

Yeah, I feel like he treats fucking like a sport. Like, he's probably got, like, a sweat towel, you know, and some sweat bands. Yeah. He fucking... Yeah, dude. He's eating sweat bands. Yeah, dude. He's eating protein bars. Yeah, dude. Just thick loads.

Like wheat paste. You know? He's hanging flyers with his... For his polycule. He's like Banksy. Spanksy. Yeah, dude. Spanksy. Yeah. Nice.

They stick on the wall and he can climb them like a rock climbing wall. Yeah. They're sticky. He seals some pussy shut with that stuff. Oh, yeah. For sure. Turn that thing into a goddamn s'more. Yeah. He's killed more pussies than the Dumb Friends League.

He's just putting them to sleep. God. I'd like to watch him do sex. It's like watching you do comedy. Kobo's laughing. Just an artist at his peak. You're like, damn, is he riffing this the whole time? He hasn't told one joke.

He's been up there 90 minutes. He's treating that woman like the fucking stool. Holy shit. yeah he should just he like you could sell tickets to pogue fucking yeah i totally do totally yeah at that fucking circus for sure oh yeah i love that guy yeah pogue is one of my favorite people because he's just so sincere in every moment because he says stuff like this is the greatest moment of my life. Yeah. And it's like him checking the bag at Burger King and finding out they put ketchup in there. My God, everything's a miracle. Yeah, dude.

Like when he goes to the doctor and like gets like a checkup, I bet he weighs himself. After he gets done fucking the doctor. He fucks the doctor and he weighs himself and then he sits down and then he puts his junk on there. He weighs his junk. It's half his body. Because that Wii Pace comm is so dense. And his balls. Whenever he weighs his junk, it's like that game at the carnival

where you take the hammer and hit the thing, and then it rings the bell. And he just plops. And bing! Yeah, he gets a big prize. He's like, you win a hundred condoms. I'll never use those! He wins a stuffed animal that he goes home

and fucks the shit out of. Or he just does it right there. It's Stewie. Vile woman. Meg, you bitch. It's like the second Meg You've called Meg a bitch twice I know

It's so funny For half of an episode of this I was just doing Peter Griffin Meg you bitch My bitch daughter Meg It's so funny You did that for half an episode?

Yeah Yeah dude And you have 200 listeners. Lois, who is this bitch? Our dad is ugly, Lois. Let's rape her. That's your wife, Peter.

That's Alex People. Yeah. Yep. Holy shit. Family guy's awesome. Yeah, dude. Yeah. Shout out Quahog.

Is that what it's called? Quahog? Yeah. Quahog. Is that a real town? It's a clam. Haunted clam. Haunted clam. Shout out, what's the bar called? Weunted clam. Haunted clam. Shout out.

What's the bar called? We call it the haunted clam. The sweaty beer. The sweaty beer. I went to a strip club in Arizona once called the Alaskan Bush Company. Oh. It's pretty cool, huh? Wow.

Yeah, you do. What? You always have like. If you couldn't hear Alec on the pod, he just added it where it goes, I just love vagina. Yeah. While having a thousand yard stare. Yeah, dude.

He looked like a POW victim at the Veterans Day parade watching a float go by. I just love vagina. Just cum explosions in his eyes. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to know how much hot poon you've slayed.

Yeah, dude. If no one knew, we would just hear a single gunshot go off. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. You have like 17 beautiful women orbiting you at all times, I feel like. Oh, yeah. You're Valsel. I'm Valsel. Valsel Summer. Let's sell summer let's go yeah voluntary celibate you only

fuck girls who went to the university of tennessee yeah that's a volunteer show yeah dude it's pretty good that was pretty good pretty good i forgot i was on dorks only with chode and Load. This is a sports podcast. Oh, yeah. I forgot. Oh, you bet. You've done any good ones lately? I've been on the road since March 16th. I haven't bet anything.

Doesn't that stink when you're in somewhere that doesn't allow betting? Yeah, dude. No, because I just want to bet on football. Oh, okay. I'm going to stick to my game. Yeah, when you go outside the box, you start losing money real quick. Yeah, and if you stay in the box, you also lose money

really quick. Totally. Yeah, you do. Alec is so horny right now. Still bricked up. For your Patreon, you should just have if you pay $50 a month,

you get access to Alec's DMs. That's every photo that's in there. Totally. Yeah, dude. Or if you're one of the 20% that's women that listens to us, we'll take pictures of Alec naked when he at least suspects it, and we'll post it on the Patreon for you. Yeah, we're going to drug Alec and strip him nude. Yeah, dude. Shave him.

Wax him. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to drug Alec and strip him nude. Yeah, dude. Shave him. Wax him. Yeah. Oh, no. So, Pat, you're Valsel. I'm going Valsel. Valsel Summer. Unless one of our beautiful 20% female

listeners would like to go on a date. Unless anyone literally alive or dead offers you access to their holes. If anyone identifies as 20% female. Gender is a spectrum. It's an illusion. I've been getting anonymously sucked off once a week.

You've been getting? Yeah, have you heard about that? You went back? I've gone twice. Whoa! Is that it? Why haven't you updated me? I don't know. It's just...

It hasn't happened for a while. Is that guy still blindfolding you? I'm blindfolding myself, and it's a woman, thank you. How do you know that? Because I've heard her sounds that she makes, and I felt her. So while you're getting blown, you honked her? No, I didn't fuck her. No, but did she allow you access? I honked her, yeah, I honked her. So while you're getting blown, you honked her? No, I didn't fuck her. No, but did she allow

you access? I honked her, yeah. I honked her. Big ones? Was it your mom, dude? No, it wasn't my mom. No. These had give to them.

Hey. Yeah. Patrick, it's funny to think of you being like, I know it's a woman because while she's sucking me, she's like, I'm sucking you.

You like this, right? Yeah, totally. You're just like, oh, oh, and you're like, yeah, she's like, I'm sucking you. You like this, right? You're just like, oh, oh, and you're like, yeah, look, listen, I'm sucking you right now. I'm just jacking myself up. Yeah, totally.

I don't even know this. You smell a wet dog. Dude, she smells good. She smells like a Bichon Frise. Oh, yes, Alec. Alex is raising his hand. Yes, Alec, do you have a question uh-huh

no no it's free it's i don't have to do anything except get sucked off and leave immediately immediately is the reddit page again uh uh uh random acts of Blowjob. That's incredible, dude. It's a nationwide phenomenon. It worked for me. Yeah, dude. We're going to post the Random Acts of Blowjob right here behind us. Scroll through it.

Whirl away, getting slurped. That's probably why she stopped him. Listen, I'm going gonna slob your knob and then you're gonna whirl away alright and like

she saw like I have that tattoo of that giraffe sucking off that man on my leg did she see it did she say something about it

yeah cause as soon as he walks in he just drops trowel he waddles over to the chair put those blindfold on yeah I'm here for my appointment

you sit in the waiting room with a bunch of other dudes yeah just shuffling around no that's why that's probably why she stopped messaging me back because i let out the secret now there's too many fucking studs out there. Well, yeah, you kept telling her to follow me at birthday piss on Instagram. I told her to come to my comedy show. Did you really?

I thought it'd be funny. I wouldn't know. That's so funny. That's so funny. She just watches like five minutes of the show and walks out. Yeah. I'd rather suck off strangers than be here. Yeah. Also, doesn't she say your dick tasted like soy sauce?

No. Yeah. You said that. I did. Yeah. Yeah. That's what Pogue told me. Yeah.

That's it. Yeah. Not because he sucked my dick. Yeah, exactly. told me. Not because he sucked my dick. He's a horny dude, man. Get over here. This is the greatest day of my life. He only fucks to Rammstein. Drop trow, Pat. He does look like he's fueled by Rammstein, dude.

Fucking A, dude. Yeah, he is. I love that we've talked about Kyle Pogue for like half this episode. Yeah, just put up a picture of Pogue behind us. Oh, yeah. Totally. Maybe he'll send me a video of him fucking that I can put up. It'll be on the Patreon.

Check it out. That's something you've got to see live. It's like the Globetrotters. You can watch highlights online, but if you're there in person, watching him spin a little person on his finger. You've got to get that 4D experience. The sights, the sounds, the smells sounds the smells dude yeah it's so humid

yeah that was awesome i love the globetrotters me too man oh yeah you guys went and saw the globetrotters yeah that was fun as shit did you did you bet on it did you bet on the wrong team yeah sam lost a bet i lost money at the globetrotters the globetrotters didn't cover they didn't cover no way dude yeah they wanted at the Globetrotters. The Globetrotters didn't cover. They didn't cover. No way, dude. They won it at the buzzer. Was that really a bet you could do? It was just amongst pals. My buddy Luke was like,

I bet that the Globetrotters... What was it? I had the Trotters minus 12. And they won by two. They won by two. Of course they did. They were doing this thing in the fourth quarter where they did like a slow motion situation where they were all playing in slow motion.

Yeah. And then they did a rewind. Dude. And everyone's like losing it. I'm just watching the clock go down. You're like, no, no. I was like, come on. Yeah.

You're doing like math. You're like, if they get fouled on a three-pointer, get the four-point play, and then two more three-pointers, they can still do it. I was like, all I need is three four-pointers. Oh, yeah, there was a four-pointer. There was a four-pointer? Yeah. What?

Is it beyond the half court or something? No, it was like between half court and the three-point line. It's like the boneyard. It's like where Bones pulls up from. Yeah, it's like where Bones pulls up from. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's the day game, so it's all kids everywhere. Come on, you black bastards!

I'm about to lose my family over this. Oh, it was bad. I felt very stupid. It's so funny, dude. Because when you say it, it makes sense. It's like, of course they only win by two. It's all planned out. It's all planned out.

It's a work. They're not going to be a blowout. I know. It could have been. I thought they would have blowed them out. I thought they were going to turn it on in the second half. I thought I did. They didn't make the proper adjustments.

No. Yeah. It was just bad coaching. Yeah. Yeah, dude. Yeah, Globy, the inflatable globe, didn't put out the X's and O's the way I needed it to. That fat piece of shit. Yeah.

Globeman. Remember Globy? Yeah. Yeah. He was cool. Yeah, they were like, hey, do you want to be Globy? You don't even need the suit. No.

Yeah. No, I wasn't even the biggest guy there. No, you weren't. I was there. Holy shit, dude. They didn't have a jersey that fit me. I was super bummed. My whole plan was to go in and get a jersey,

and they were like, how about a hat? Oh, wait, his head's too big, too. Yeah, dude. He got ripped. Holy shit, dude. I tried to invite Patrick to my sister's wedding on Saturday. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, because my sister was like, one of our guests can't attend. Why don't you invite Patrick? And Patrick's wedding on Saturday. Oh, yeah? Yeah, because my sister was like, one of our guests can't attend. Why don't you invite Patrick? And Patrick was like, no, I'm not going. I have to work so I can pay you back. Oh, yeah. That's what it's for. That's why you go clock in and clock

out because you're so worried about owing me some money. Yeah. You told me you'll never get this, you fat pig. You said you're going to become best friends with Joe Rogan and leave all of us behind. I said I was going to leave you behind. And then I said, I'm not going to pay you back if you leave me behind. I was like, I don't need the money.

And then I said, good. I'm not going to. And then I showed you my Wells Fargo account and you started crying. And now I'm asking for another thousand dollars. Guess what? Cent. Yes. Wait, what? Cent. Yes. Wait, what? Hold on.

Damn it. Tricked you. Let me try and undo it. Oh, Cole, was I saying you $1,000? Sick. God damn it. Crap. Sam just allowed us to keep the podcast

paywall free for another month. This is like when you give a bunch of money to an e-girl and she pronounces your name wrong. Thank you, Samuel. Poggers. They say that. They say poggers.

Poggers? Poggers. What? Is that P-A-W-G? No, not P-A-W-G. I don't know. It just means cool or something. Is this like choogy when you were saying that earlier?

Yeah, yeah. It's the opposite of choogy. Matt said choogy on the pod once. I did, dude. You know, I'm hanging out with all those cool teens. Probably shouldn't be, but you know. Yeah, you are. You guys all have to do your community service.

Yeah, totally. It's cool because we work right across the street from East High so we can kind of do it while we're on the clock at our record store. Yeah, dude. Yeah, they're pretty cool. I sell them all weed. Yeah. Are you just doing your act on the pod now?

No. He really does sell them weed. Yeah, dude. That's my favorite thing. The last 15 minutes, I'm just going to do my own stand-up. You guys can shut the fuck up for a while. Dude, it's the best. I'll go on the road, and I'll have to have the guy opening for me on that weekend do Chubby Behemoth.

And then 10 minutes in, he'll just be like, So I was at the bank the other day. And it's like, are you doing your bits? You did this last night. I saw you run this twice last night. And they're like, no, no. I'm just, this is a funny story. It's like, shut the fuck up.

Just the desperation in their eyes when they realize they can't riff. It's brutal. Hilarious, dude. just the desperation in their eyes when they realize they can't riff that's fucking hilarious dude I bought a Ouija board the other day holy shit dude what's the joke so I can talk to my dad because he works at Spencer's Gifts that's your opener that's the only one liner I've ever written

good joke I have to burn it because I said it on the pod Yeah, that's the only one-liner I've ever written. It's a good joke. It's a good joke. It's a good fucking joke. I have to burn it because I said it on the pod. I said it. Yeah, you butchered it. Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry I didn't make it two minutes long. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, dude. I bought a Ouija board the other day. Yeah. He's laying down. Yeah, totally. Dress up like Garfield. Yeah. That's my best joke yeah

there's gotta be like thousands of comics that say that that's my best joke yeah totally yeah Milton Berle wrote that line Red Skelton wrote that. They were saying that. Never mind.

What? Whoopsie. Whoops. I know, dude. What else is new, huh? What do we add on here? I think we got like eight more minutes or something. Really hit a wall, huh, fellas? I am so sweaty.

And I don't know if it's because I'm sitting between you guys. Yeah, of course it is. Dude, and you're wearing a sweatshirt. What are you doing? This is what it's like to be inside of our bodies all the time. This is what it's like when worlds collide. Is that Power Man 5,000? Yeah, are you ready to go?

Yeah, dude. Are you ready to go? Go, go, ready to go? Yeah, dude. Are you ready to go? Go, go, ready to go. Yeah. God, that guy had rocking hair, dude. I have strict instructions to play that at Lund's funeral. That's so funny. It's so funny when people give me direction for their funeral, and it's like, I'll be

long dead. What are you talking about? Yeah. I don't know. You're going to become rich with Joe Roganan and you're going to be in cryo sleep and stuff soon. I'm going to become rich. Come on.

Here's another thousand. Chill out. Oh, damn. Your doctor wife just DM'd me a thousand dollars, dude. Your doctor wife just DM'd me $1,000. Dude. Your doctor wife just DM'd me a slur. She wishes she had $1,000. I keep that bitch on a tight leash. She gets $40 a day.

Holy shit. That's a lot of money. Yeah. Can I have that? Yeah. I sell books on the road and I I come home with just cash from selling the books. I keep it all in a drawer, and then my wife will just send me photos of her with $800 and be like, I'm going to the store.

I'm just like, put that back. That's my book money. Yeah. Stop money-cucking your hubby. Your fucking chubby hubby's out there pounding pavement. Yeah, dude. You're just robbing him? Holy shit, dude.

She's a menace. You're a fin goth. You love being dominated financially. I hate it. I hate it. Do you sell those books door to door like a Bible salesman? So I've been saying Patrick's the stupidest guy alive? But I think there's some osmosis I'll look up that word later

you know Osmosis Jones the movie oh yeah I love that it's so funny wasn't that Bill Murray yeah isn't it Eddie Murphy too is Osmosis Jones no it's not Kevin Spacey I'm always thinking of Kevin Spacey Eddie Murphy, too, is Osmosis Jones. No. No. No, it's not Kevin Spacey. I'm always thinking of Kevin Spacey. It's that beautiful mind of yours.

Yeah, so, sheesh. Should I drop off this show tonight so I can come hang at Ray's show? Yeah, you should. Why would you go to Boulder and do some shitty show when I can come hang at Ray's show? Yeah, you should. Why would you go to Boulder and do some shitty show when you can come have fun at our show? Because I get to do 25 minutes. Do 25 in your show. How much do they pay you?

I don't remember. You know exactly how much they're paying you. I think it's $100. It's only a little bit more than I would make at our show. Why don't you give me $100? Why don't you give me $100,000? You're not worth that. We're not paying you tonight. I told Kobus I don't want any show. Why don't you give me $100? Why don't you give me $100,000? You're not worth that. We're not paying you tonight.

I told Cobos I don't want any money. Yeah, you did, dude. Well, then I have to come to your ratio because you and Corey are going to make a killing then. Dude, we're going to be rich, dude. How much were you planning on paying me? $50. $50. Okay, so yeah.

Split that three ways. $18 in each of your pockets. Yeah, dude. More if I'm not there. $17. $17. I was going to say yes to whatever math you did there. Well, yeah, $34 plus $70 is $51.

Nice try. Yeah, Pat, drop off. I'll just be Pat. Yeah, you can be Pat. I know all these bits. That's fucking hilarious. Oh, Pat. Pat, drop off. I'll just be Pat. Yeah, you can be Pat. I know all these bits. That's fucking hilarious, dude. Oh, it's great. Yeah, it's easy.

That's so funny, dude. Give me one of your shitty hats. I'll tuck in my shirt, look bulbous. It'll be great. You don't know any of my genius bits. I'll wear prescription shoes. These are hype beasts. They're four beasts.

They come in packs of four. Yeah. Yeah, you got the New Balance hooves on. Those are from walking from the dessert station at the buffet to the salad bar. So you can put ranch on your tart. Holy shit. God damn it. Yeah. I wish you were there, dude. I like. Goddamn it.

Yeah. I wish you were there, dude. I like hanging out with you. I'm going to drop off my other show. I don't want to drive to Boulder by myself. Well, now you've laid out the entire plan, though. What are they going to do to me? Retcon you.

You don't even know what that means. I do. They're going to edit you out of continuity. I'm not a fictional character. Come on. Bullshit. For sure. There's no way this is real.

You're not doing a bit? I thought you were in character all the time. I thought this was like a genius stroke Andy Kaufman situation. I wish. I fucking wish. You're just Wadman 420 all the time? Yeah. This is what it's like when I shit my pants.

Are you ready to shit? This is what it's like when I'm sucking off guys. Are you ready to cunt? You're going to retcon, I almost called him Billy Wayne Davis, your character in your book. You're going to make a sequel and make him trans. What? Yeah, you're going to retcon. You are getting tired, huh? in your book. You're going to make a sequel and make him trans. What? You are getting tired, huh?

Yeah, you're going to... It's like when the guy at the end of the fucking 5K is like twitching and collapses right before the finish line. Well, Alec hasn't brought me water. Yeah, you're right. I got water. Get him some egg whites. Alec, get me a Topo chico those aren't mine

did I say that right see oh god are you guys coming to my graduation party when is that June 18th it's in my calendar I'll drive us

you're graduating from college I didn't know you were doing college this whole time I'll drive us. Hell yeah. Yeah. You're graduating. Graduating from college. I didn't know you were doing college this whole time. I know. I know. You brought your own thing. Well, I needed five credits, and I'm taking a Spanish class for five credits.

Okay. Yeah. So that's where you learned how to say Topo Chico. Si. Yeah. Topo Chico. Topo Chico. One of those intellectuals. Yeah.

Los intellectuales, dude. I got that word out. one of those intellectuals are you getting your bachelors bachelor degree club he's pissed because we're married yeah dude i'm a bachelor again man oh i have one bad one in 59 minutes god you guys no sold that ball cell thing earlier, which was a slam dunk. We didn't get it. Yeah, I know. No, it was a spike. Aren't they mostly volleyball? Okay, I don't know. What?

Do you have a fucking temperature? Wait, do women only play volleyball? What? What's going on here, guys? We had a tight little package. We're not getting a bow on this one. Yeah, the transmission just fell out of the goddamn truck.

Jesus Christ. I know, dude. I think we're good. Okay, do you want to put a button on it? That's how you end it? No, I'm just checking. Just checking. I just want to see. You got anything to plug besides your graduation party?

No. That's it, man. And guess what? None of you bitches are invited. So keep your fucking grubby slut fingers away from that DM you want to send. Hell yeah. Even the 20% women? They can DM me.

DM me. They probably are going with Alec. Dude, Alec's got a car full of chicks. June 18th, Alec. Yeah. Read Sam's book, Shitting the Pant, and listen to Chubby Behemoth. Yeah, yeah. And hey, if you're listening to this on the Chubby Behemoth stream, check out...

Kobo's Patrick Podcast. We're still trying to think of a name for the podcast. Yeah, we're still figuring it out. How many episodes did he do for you? This is the sixth one. And you guys haven trying to think of a name for the podcast we're still figuring it out how many episodes did we do for you? this is the sixth one and you guys haven't come up with a name? no alright what about Timon and Pumbaa present?

I think that works pretty well Outro Music