Chubby Behemoth - Boston Scream Cry

Episode Date: May 4, 2025

BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week Sam tells the boys about the beginning of his European trip. Nathan heard what he hoped was an inside joke, has some ideas for Rockies promotions, and is getting ready to swim in the fish bowl. Sam had a mysterious visitor disappear out a window, was just trying to get comfortable on a water bottle, and got candle pranked on his only wish for the year.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Hey Lund, I've got an idea. Oh. Maybe get to the pot on time. Oh yeah, good thing you saved that. Why didn't you just start it like last time and shit talk me until I got in here? That's cool too. Well, that wouldn't be a good idea. Do you see what's going on here?

I didn't see it the first time. Well yeah, I didn't see it the first time. I don't care. Yeah, it was just a light bulb bit. I'm not trying to make you guys wait. Here's a cool idea. Pay attention when I do six sight gags on the pot to the listener, the audio listener. I have a light bulb position above my head that I can turn on or off whenever I want

to. You went for a very minimalist spot in Paris, huh? I like to imagine it's just that, what we see, and then a typewriter. I will send you, pretty much, I'll send you a video my dad took of me here in the loft. I arrived today and boy, Duddy Dave T was not ready to let me in. I'll tell you what, I was like, dad, I don't know where we are. Can you come get me? Like three minutes passed, he finally comes stumbling out.

He's like, oh, hey buddy. He didn't know I'd been waiting there. I try to give him a hug. He brushes by me to look down the street because there's a babe he's been ogling the last two days who lives somewhere near here. Yeah. And then we like walk up after my four-hour train ride, we walk upstairs and he passes by some small Chinese guy and he's like, hey buddy, does that light in the kitchen turn on? And then the guy speaks an indecipherable Vietnamese French and my dad's like, all right, I'll give it a try. And it's like, you didn't understand

a word that man just said to you. Same to you, sir. I was like, what? Yes. All right. Carry on. Keeping on. Back at you. Hey, you're speaking my language. He's like, he's literally not. What are you doing? He's not. He's not speaking any of the languages you speak. See that we get up here and then I come in the room to change. Next thing I know, guess who's prying at the door to my room?

Said Asian guy. And I'm like, I'm like, Hey, no, no. And he knocks. And I'm like, no, no, I'm in here. And I see the handle go to move. And I'm like, do not enter. So then I walk out of my room. I don't know where my dad is. I walk into the kitchen and I see that Asian man scrambling through the window in the kitchen onto the porch that is of my room, I don't know where my dad is, I walk into the kitchen and I see that Asian man scrambling through the window in the kitchen onto the porch that is in my room. And I'm like, hey dad, what's that Asian guy doing here?

And he says, I don't know, he's in here? And I was like, yeah, he's in here. And he said, where? And I said, he went out the window. So now me and my dad go look out the window, we can't find him. We go look in the room that enters into that terrace, he's gone.

So the first like 60 seconds I've been in Paris in this house, I've just been deceived by some, some old Asian trickery. What? I don't even, it's a real puzzle, huh? He's in the walls. He went out the window and then he would see him go around and I'm like, me and my dad then we go look for him and then we go look in the room, which is the only way to get out of there. He's not in there So maybe he's just in the walls here. Also, there's one toilet

There's one toilet here and it's very small and it's in the middle of the living room It's literally hidden in a closet in the living room So you're just like chilling and then you're like I got to use the toilet and then you shit really loudly like inside of you Know Indian in the living room. So you're just like chilling and then you're like, I got to use the toilet. And then you shit really loudly, like inside of, you know, Indian in the cupboard style. Did you pick this place? I don't know what Dave T's been up to. I picked it out. Yeah. Spent a nice pretty penny. Didn't count the toilets. Didn't count the Vietnamese French.

Failed failed plan from the get. Because you know I need my own toilet. I mean there is a bathtub in my room, but still one toilet and it looks like Doctor Who would change in there. I don't know Doctor Who very well. Wasn't there like a changing booth? It's a phone booth, but it's bigger on the inside. It's time-involved in dimension and space.

I call it the farthest. Sure, sure. Save it, Becker. Save it for your podcast called, I Just Fell Asleep Listening to This. No, but doctor, so what about a phone booth? It would be fun as a foam booth. If you get in there and it's just like hit a button and it fills up with party foam. I could be into that.

Yeah, you could be if I shoved you in and hit the button, tape the button shut. Yeah, that'd be sick. That's a lot of cool ideas. When? Yeah, Dr. What time is it? Party time. Doctor who cares? Millions of people for 50 years.

63. 63. Yeah. 63 inches tall. That's you, Becker. That'd be living. I didn't know your dad was going to be over there. That's cool. But you were alone in Amsterdam for a couple days, right?

Oh, I was in Amsterdam having Amster scram, man. I was up in it. I was every which way but loose. Yeah, I haven't seen you guys since what? Sunday? Since we flew from Omaha? Yeah. Yeah, damn.

I had those two shows at the Comedy Forth that I wanted to cancel because I felt terrible in that. That was the tail end of a tough run. Hey, if you want to talk the talk, you got to walk the walk. I'm sure they're great though. I left it on the field. I'll bet that helped. Yeah, they were good shows. Packed to the gills, brimming, bursting, stuffed. I couldn't do a meet and greet, so I was worried everyone thought I was big-leaguing them, but I just wanted to die. I was busy in the green room killing Ryan Nowell with whatever disease I had. Yeah, he doesn't have a strong immune system, I wouldn't imagine.

Well, we should start passing a hat now then. I didn't catch anything. Well, yeah, but you only get weird bat viruses. You're like man bat. I was sure I was going to have something. Yeah, I was trying to kill you too. Lon, what about you? I felt...

I had like a sore throat Tuesday, Wednesday, but that was it. And I had to work, so it was annoying. And then Thursday, or no, Friday, yesterday, I slept like most of the day. So I don't know, maybe I got a little something, but it might not have been from you either because that's a few days after I probably would have gotten sick from you. Also, you randomly sleeping for 20 hours is not a sign of any symptom. You could just talk out every now and then. The sore throat was the thing. Yeah, the sleeping's fine.

Well, yeah, but you did blow all those random dudes. No, I did not. Blow ma-ha. Blow ma-ha. Blow ma-ha. They weren't random. Where was that? They were carefully selected. They won a contest.

Oh yeah, I forgot. I forgot Becker groomed them on the Discord and he tricked them. They thought they were blowing Becker, but really they made a round mouthful. It'd be funny if your penis was also fat. You ever think about that? I wish. If you gain weight. If it was chubby, yeah, if it was schlubby.

Look how round my head is. Cool head. Look how round it is. I have an idea. I should always wear a hat on here. Yeah, me too. I'm looking at my receding hairline. I haven't looked at it in a while because I've been rocking the hats.

Lund hats. Oh, shut up. You're perfect. Now I look like it's like that game. It's like that screensaver. It's like, it's like that screensaver where, you know, you watch it at the, it's like the circuit city and it just. You know, you watch it at the, it's like the Circuit City and it just.

Yeah. See if you can get right in the corner. Is this good? Yeah. More visual stuff. This is good audio. Watch the videos. Yeah. Because you guys begged for him for years and we finally delivered.

Soccatumi. So, I don't know, man. Jesus. All right. Did you just get Soccatumi? You're floating over there. Are you on TVLA? No, I get it.

I'm reacting in disbelief at your choices right now. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I'm going to turn on my improv light. So you guys know, I told you about the improv light, right? No. Oh my God. I take improv classes when I was like 18 or 19 and I'd come home back to Krusty and Bonzo's

house and they'd be like, I tried to say something funny and they'd be like, well, wow, your improv lights on. And it's like, you sons of bitches. Oh, yeah. I'm just being funny. Okay. Yeah, I thought so. I don't remember it.

Keep talking. Well, that's the whole thing is I would just like be entertaining and funny and they'd be like, ah, turn your improv light off. And I'd be like, this is my whole thing. You guys have kickflips Extinguish the fire inside of you You guys have tried to hold you back blunt slides, oh for sure they tried to slip my wings But guess what penguin doesn't need his wings I'm the penguin. Penguin can resort to kicking.

Yes. Oh yeah, so after we did the fucking two shows in Fort Collins, I recorded all the wide world stuff. That should be out, but so I, you know, Pat gets to the hotel room in Fort Collins and he's like, oh, you're sick. And sick and i'm like yeah but i'm not contagious. Can i leave to go to the shows you know i leave i go to the factory to bring some fucking money back home to the family i come back he's in the towel you know he's a towel on his lap he's clearly been sticky. He's like Feel sick. It's like oh you got sick in the last three hours You little pug you little pug lit you little pugs Lee. What is this Wednesday? No, it's Sunday Don't call me Adam. You're Eve and I'm about to get even with your ass

So yes So yeah, I wanted to kill him So yeah, I wanted to kill him. And now the white world's... Yeah, go ahead. He looked at you for five seconds and after you've been sick for a week and he's like, oh God, it got into me too. Yeah. He's like, you know how you're sick and everyone doesn't feel bad for you?

Well, I'm sick and everyone has to feel bad for me." He's like, you better call your mama. You better write your mama a fucking letter and I'll take it to the post office because we're pushing through. Now split it wide open for a real one. And then I busted him. Spread them. Yeah. I haven't said anything nasty in like five days.

And then Sophie threw me a lovely birthday. I went to Botanical Gardens on Monday and Miningers and I, you know, what else was there? We had dinner. Okay. I heard that you pissed on your mom's headstone at Botanic Gardens. I don't like that at all. Is that like an inside joke or something? That's not cool to me. My mom always said, hey, if I ever fucking get buried in the state of Colorado You better come and pissing on it whenever you're a hundred miles or less What's like I understand that she's not in there like you weren't pissing on her

Body because she's not there, but the headstone represents her in her life. So peeing on it to me I don't know, I guess you were sick or whatever, so you were feeling like a bad boy. This is just what I've heard. This is just the rumor. I don't even know if it's true, but it does sound like something you would do. Well, look, I was waiting to address these allegations that Westward so callously published. Most of it was piss. All right?

That's all I'm going to say. Okay? I do know that- Everything did come out of my wang, but it wasn't all urine. That's all I'm saying. When you're a ways away from a bathroom, you think it makes more sense to go than to hold it and run around looking for a proper receptor, proper receptacle Coors park rules.

Yeah. Coors park. That's what they call it. I don't want to say, I don't want to say the real name unless we get sued. Uh, tomorrow I have to go up to Denver to do a Lucha Libre and Lass right by, uh, Coors, Co Park, Coors Stadium. And I'm going to be real nasty with it. I've got two ideas for funny Rockies promotions.

One is a bag of hair day. Like, Hey, next weekend, first 1500 people get a bag of hair. Like the Rockies just really not giving a shit. Now is it a wig or is it just loose hair like we used to give away to our patrons? It's loose hair, but it is all human hair. That's the guarantee. This is not like cheap knockoff. It's not squirrel. Mule hair. Yeah.

Yeah. It's not horse hair. Donkey hide. Yeah, yeah, it's not that's not horse. Hi, it's real human hair But not in a not in a wig form not in a real usable form It's a collectible is the bag, you know You don't do something with the hair unless you maybe get an autograph or two on the bag of hair from players I can help you Make this idea even better. It's a double header So the first game it's shave a dude day game,

and then at night, it's all the hair you can stuff. So they just leave the hair from the day game event, and then they hand out little bags to people when they come in for the night game, and it's just everyone in the bleachers just, ah, ah, just shoving, just, you know, stuffing, making little pillows. You can hand out spray adhesive, and it could be like, you know, decorate a bald guy night,

whatever you want it to be. What is it called? Like Montfort Square or some shit? McGregor. Oh yeah, McGregor. I think is that area where the dueling pianos were, Howl at the Moon, I think was the name of the bar. Did a show there for some reason. I can't remember who would have put it together, but like the early...

Of course, that's the thing. They didn't want to... What? Well, it's just like every bar in Denver. What? I went to a random Mexican restaurant on Monday and it was a bar that we did stand up in where now it's a Mexican restaurant with like a Michelin notation. I remember this show, it was like some weird jazz club and Brian Hawker got a lady to show

us all her pussy. That was the memory I had at my birthday dinner. Are you talking right by the movie theater downtown? No, no, no. I know that place. That was Jazz at Jack's. This is at 21st and Larimer by that Big Al's Pawn Shop place. Okay.

There was a little jazz club there for a while and they let us degrade the stage and Hawker got a lady to show her flower to everybody. And I said, Hey, I'm never going to quit this. Yeah. There's something going on here that I want to be a part of. These are my people. Is it better if I can just reveal the light whenever I want, or should I turn it on and off still? You need the, you need the act of the light not being on and then turning on you psycho. Well, that was a bad idea.

Yeah. Leave it off for now. Oh yeah. The other, the other Rocky's promotion that I have is a kick in the dick day. First, first 1200 people in the door kicked right in the dick. Uh, there's a picture you have to pay for the picture if you want the commemorative Polaroid of the kick in the dick, there's a picture, you have to pay for the picture if you want the commemorative Polaroid of the kick in the dick.

Otherwise, it's just the kick in the dick and that's free and you're on your way to your seat. If you don't have a dick, they give you one. They like give you a little dick and then you get kicked in that dick and then you have to give it back. What if the smaller dick is bigger than the one you brought in? Well, no, you don't have one and then you have to give it back. What if the smaller dick is bigger than the one you brought in? Well, no, you don't have one and then you get it. Can you still have it?

Well, I know, well, let's just say like you come in and you have a dick, but then they show you this like stunt dick and you're like, holy cow, can you imagine? Can you pop that one on, like a thimble on a thimble? I would imagine they want, they want it to be a bigger dick so that the kick hurts more. So I don't know that it's a small one. Oh, you're saying bigger than the one you have, yeah.

Yeah, you walk in and you're like, holy cow. What is this, free huge dick night? What is it, Dreams coming true. I like it. Yeah. Hopefully that'll be fun. You know what's not fun? I'm just going to go up and come back. Listen to this Lund and or Becker.

Listen to this, Lund and or Becker. My sister, of course, got me a Boston cream pie. Pie, thank you, Becker. Yes. Well, some people say cake and it upsets me. Boston cream pie and there was candles in it. There I am in front of my best friends, Jan Se cock, you know, David Bori Mel Mel was there This is not a situation to be made a fool of So I go to blow up I think a lot of movers and shakers

There's a lot of power players, you know, it's it's real so long that we're throwing there and My wife, you know, she's got, my wife got her fucking hair dyed black and she looks like the lady in a big Lebowski. It's not black. It's dark brown. Oh, right. It's black and it's everything you want it to be. She looks cool. Yeah. So I'll picture her and a cat, Katarina, and they both looked really, really nice. And I didn't crank it to them at all. You definitely didn't screenshot it and zoom it, did you? You definitely didn't put it on the projector.

I didn't put that into some type of AI porn app that I paid $50 for. You didn't tell Creech that you're all out of coffee and eat some for the morning. Yeah, hit the road toots. Why freaking can't... I went and got her and then came all the way back here and set up upstairs, you know, so that they could do their thing so that she could do whatever she wanted without me screaming at her, hey, shut up. Or telling the dog to quit, you know, playing with its squeak toy because, you

know, daddy's at the factory. This is how I pay the rent. This is how I pay for those mice. Hey, shut up. You don't like those mice you had for dinner? Well, this is what keeps them cold. I went and got her cause it was slow at mutiny and then, uh, like five minutes ago, she said, I have to go back.

Paula's getting crushed. So that sucks. That's a good impression. Yeah, that's her. Ah, shit Lund. I, that's her. Exactly. Just like her. Ah, shit, Lund. I got to get back to the factory. So go ahead. You have a beautiful banana cream pie slash cake.

It looked like a cake to me. It was Boston cream, so everyone shut up. And so they sing to me, they sing all the versions, all the songs of their people. And then I go to blow out the candles and I wish for, you know, well, I make a wish. I can't say what the wish is. You're not allowed or else it won't come true. Well, you know what else really seals the deal on a wish coming true? Blowing out all the candles at once.

You have to blow them all out or else you don't get a wish. And you only get one wish a year, maybe two if you're Irish. You know? So this is my one yearly wish. Unless you subscribe to this whole, oh, it's 1111. Oh, it's 444. Make a wish. How about no? That's just time. That's just the time of the day. And guess what? You're late for work. Get into the factory. I heard that Sophie wanted to get you a Boston scream scry scream cry Which is where the the pie? screams and or cries when you try to blow out the

You cut into it Boston scream cry I know I turn the I turned the light on for you. Yeah, thank you. It was so good. I should turn the light on in here. I look like I'm in a cave. You're pink. You're like red and vaginal.

It's weird looking. I don't know. You are very pink. What? Yeah. That doesn't get any thoughts at all. Did you see me maybe in the last two days? Did someone think you were a hand and glaze you? I don't know you are very pink Two days did someone think you were a hand glaze you slept all day yesterday

Where flushed I don't know after the middle of a lake Wait hold on did you take a bunch of creatine? No, oh Wait, hold on, did you take a bunch of creatine? No. Oh, well. Niacin, I'm trying to pass a drug test. I don't know what's going on. Took a bunch of niacin. That could be it. That's what you meant when you said creatine, right?

Is niacin. Now just a fact checker. So anyway, blow out the fucking candles and then much like the secrets that you try and keep hidden, they come back one by one, reigniting. Blow them out again. Hey, what's going on here? Well, hopefully you don't have lung cancer. I started thinking I have lung cancer.

I'm like, well, surely I have the power in these big old lungs to put out these weak, weak flames, blow them out again. Took about 10 blowouts before Sophie says, ha ha, they're prank candles. Shows me the box, reignite candles. I thought these were only in movies and television. What? Are you serious? I didn't think they were real.

I'd never seen them out, you know, IRL. What? I watched the video. I thought you were playing along. No! Not at all! I thought you were playing dumb! I was keeping my cool! That was me, like, everything's fine. What? They worked? They pranked you? You weren't in on it holy shit not in on it and piss Prank candles

The only wish I get all year Sophie I said I only get one wish and you ruined it I said that to Sophie, I said, I only get one wish and you ruined it. So literally like the, you had the same reaction that a child does, which is to get mad and scared and holy shit. That's nuts, man. I thought you, it was so funny to watch because I thought, you know, you were doing a classic like what the hell? Oh man. That's me.

That's me fucking tapping on the glass. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Oh boy. And I didn't, I didn't say anything about how upset I was until about 20 minutes later. And I wasn't that upset, but I was like, that's kind of a shitty thing to do to a guy on his birthday. So I turned to Mel and David and I said, hey, those candles?

Yeah. And they were like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I didn't really like that. And David, of course, went, what do you mean? And I said, I don't really like that. And David of course went, what do you mean? And I said, I don't know, man, it's my birthday. Also it wasn't, right? It was the first. It's the only party I get.

It was like, look, it's a ridiculous thing to feel. I had a great day, but there was like a moment where I was just like, what the hell is this? Come on. Like, Emmy, you knew about this? Everyone, everyone knew about it. So yeah, then there was 30 minutes of us just laughing our asses off at me explaining myself. Janssencock's writhing on the ground. It was just an A plus evening. And then the next day I flew to Amsterdam. And that's where this episode ends. Thank you guys.

You wish. Oh, whoops. Yeah. No, I don't wish. I'm really glad to be talking to you. I'm laughing. I haven't said anything out loud except for like yesterday. I had a big talking day yesterday, but I got to Amsterdam at like 8 a.m.

Got to the apartment, slept from fucking 10 to 6 p.m. Woke up, walked around till two, back to bed, two to 10. And then I had a big day in Amsterdam. You guys have been to Amsterdam, Becker? Yeah. I have not been. You love it here. I love it. I like Amsterdam, I don have been to Amsterdam, Becker? Yeah. I have not been. You love it here. Oh, lord.

I like Amsterdam, I don't love it. The buildings leaning in makes me like on the verge of a panic attack all the time. They got prank buildings? Yeah, all the ones on the canals lean forward like just a degree or two. Right, enough to freak you out. And then all the Dutchmen are always there pushing them in and then they move right back

out right away and no one's wishes come true. I think of Ted Lasso was there and like whatever other random movie shows that have taken place there. So I feel like I have an idea of all the flowers and bicycles and canals. Did I get it? Nailed it. That's it. Yeah. And a lot of people don't love it because too much weed tourism, a lot of annoying weed people, right? So the locals are pissed.

Right. They're trying to dissuade specifically Brits from going there on stag parties because they just terrorize all the women Mm-hmm. The most CC The most CCTVs in the world or CC television cameras like security cameras are Right around the brothels in the red light in the central part of the canal and I learned this from a billionaire. Oh Yeah, god you have this from a billionaire. Oh yeah. God, you have so much to tell us. I know. So anyway, I had a, I, but first let me tell you about my bartending shift.

Go ahead. No, I'm kidding. I do have something. I bet something good happened. Did someone sexually intimidate a woman in the bathroom? No, no, no. Oh, okay. Well yeah. So anyway, uh, yeah, I had a day where I just, I went to three different parks and I walked around because I stayed outside the canals because that whole thing you just described, dude, Amsterdam is like the top place for if you're out right around like eight o'clock,

they start coming out and you'll see these packs of dudes in matching t-shirts and they all have sunglasses on despite it. They're being no sun and they're all just kind of walking around like eight of them you know like this just it's like they they can't tell if they're ghosts or not because they're all fucked up on space cakes and and truffles so there's just like a pack of eight dudes walking like shinobi's like they're trying to pass the grab all the bells off the mannequin and teenage minion turtles too. So it's like, it's those guys. And then just like, they think they're invisible. If they, if they move slowly enough, nobody can see them. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. And then just a lot

of like super horny dudes, you know, who were there on their own and then, you know, weed party, that kind of thing. But I stayed outside the canals. I stayed in the west side of the city and it was just super cool, calm, relaxing. I got lost in the miracle garden. If anyone here is in Amsterdam, go to Erasmus Park and go to the miracle garden because they just have an entire hanging outdoor room of wisteria, which is those purple vine plants, which I was calling lilac and lavender until an old woman corrected me, rather shittily. I was just sitting there looking up just- A few days ago or last time you were there?

No, this was two days ago. I'm just like- Okay. Pinned, staring up at it. And she was like, oh, you like the flowers? She was Irish or something. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I love lilac. And she went, oh, honey, it's wisteria.

And carried on her way, laughing over her shoulder. Were the parrots there? What's up? Were the parrots there? I don't know if her parents were there. She was pretty old. Parrots. They're dead.

Very good. This light's going to be a fixture for the next month. Hopefully I don't burn it out the bulb too early. No, I didn't see any parrots. I didn't hear any squawking. This was funny. A guy messaged me on Instagram after my big day out The first day and it was a photo of me laying in the grass

Under a tree and he said hey man big fan saw you today But you were writhing on the ground and I thought you were tripping so I didn't want to bother you tripping, so I didn't want to bother you. I don't think I would. I don't remember writhing in any way. I definitely wasn't writhing to a degree where it would prevent anyone from saying hello. Well, maybe you looked over right when you were getting comfortable because sometimes you wiggle. There was a water bottle I was trying to use as a pillow and I was doing like this kind of thing, like trying to fit it in my hump, you know? So, yeah. But he was like, yeah, I wanted to say hello, but you were writhing too hard.

He thought you were on DMT. Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh. Exactly that. So that was fun. And then on May Day, May 1st, my first big day, I went and saw a movie in the Anarchist movie theater about, it was like 1973 to 2020. It was these Scottish foundry workers who went on strike in solidarity with these Colombian mine workers. They have all this old footage of these very proud Glaswegians being like, no one's free

till we're all free. The boots on all of our neck. They're torching factories and shit in the 70s. Then they catch up with these gentlemen 50 years later and they're like, so, was it worth it? They're like, so was it worth it? And they're like, oh, it was a waste of fucking time. Nothing comes from nothing. And it was a shitload of nothing.

I'm still working at the factory. Is there anything better? My son works here. My grandson works here. Nothing happened. And it was me and a big fat lady who reeked. And then this very old couple who I think were diddling each other. The room fit like 20 people. It was a very weird way to spend May Day.

The old couple was getting it on. Maybe they were making it stink in there. No, it was the big fat lady. She smelled like every house venue, every co-op, every group living situation I've been to. It's just like this weird reek of like, not like pussy yeast, but like yeast, you know? Like the actual smell of yeast. Yeah, like sourdough starter. So it is probably pussy yeast. Somebody's bacon bread.

Damn. She smelled like a place that usually that houses like 12 people. She smelled like mouth house, which was a collective, uh, con, you know, it was a group effort to make it smell like that. And she did it. You smell like all the mouths in mouth house, which is even worse. It was funny to see that picture of you in front of Mouth House today, which looks like a giant doll house, manicured lawn. And yeah, you wouldn't think that we were tearing it up in there. Well, yeah.

Sophie was just standing there taking a picture of me and she's like laughing too hard to take the picture. I'm like, what's going on? And she's like, I threw up on that roof a bunch. You sure did, Fee. You sure did. Shit, man. Anyway, that's neither here nor there and probably overall dangerous to the success of this podcast.

I need to blow my nose into this sock. Oh yeah, you're grossed out? Are you done? Are you done? I think it's a pretty good idea. As long as you throw it away. Well, I was like all sick, you know, and then I flew out here and I just had my nose

buried in different flowers and I was getting high as hell. Oh my God, getting so high. What was the best? Becker, I, What was the best? The best was a lemon pie rosin. It was from actually a fan's headstache. I was wearing a Stuff Island hat at a dispensary and the guy was like Stuff Island and he looked up and went, whoa, and he recognized me.

Then he just fed me dabs in there. This was yesterday. This was my birthday. I turned 38, all the haters said I couldn't pull it off. Here we are. Looks like I'm doing okay. The doctors, the doctors all agreed there was no way that you would see 36.

Let alone 38. That's what gives me guts. So I get hit up by this guy who's like, he's seen me do stand up on three different continents, I think. He came to my show in Amsterdam last time and he had his security guy with him. I don't know if you remember this story, but I riffed with the security guy and kept being like, are you like his hired security? What's your fucking deal?

Are you some crypto millionaire? So and he ends up he was. So it's this guy who, if you like know the history of crypto, you probably know how this guy is. And he owns a home in Amsterdam and he says, Hey, if you'd like to tour Amsterdam tomorrow with a local, I'd love to show you around. So hey, this old pig knows a free truffle. All right. Hey, this old pig knows a free truffle.

All right? So I was like, of course, mysterious billionaire. So I meet up with him and he showed me all around the Jordan neighborhood of Amsterdam. And like everywhere we went, we met at this bar, like their opening, he's there. He already has a beer and a little shot in front of him. Little beers, very classy. But like he was the fucking mayor we everywhere we went with this guy

You know He's walking by the mater dees in front of restaurants and like walking up and they're flipping his nose and he's like sack tapping him You know a Bunch of grab ass, huh? Dude, we went to ten bars and he had ten little beers in the course of seven hours and every place we went to We went to 10 bars and he had 10 little beers in the course of seven hours and every place we went to knew who he was and he never paid for a thing because he has a tab running throughout the entire city of Amsterdam that his friends can also use. So he's just set up this entire web of generosity and probably the most interesting guy I've hung out with in a while. I never met Kid Rock or anything.

This guy was nuts. At one point I was like, so you're like super villain rich, right? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, is it like billions or trillions? He's like, I don't even know, man. I was like, yeah, yeah, that's pretty cool. Then he told me some fun stories about he used to have to arrange these parties for oil billionaires out there in the Middle East. He said that one time he paid for 400 prostitutes with

$1.2 million in gold. It was in his room and he had to weigh it out on scales to pay in gold. I was like, hey man, you know, I've got some pretty good bonvoy points accruing. We're both leading interesting lives. I was like, I was recently pranked by some birthday candles. I was recently infuriated by some prank Illuminaries. But yes, so I hung out with him like For like seven hours and it was just I got I asked a bunch of questions. He was very cool

He was very nice. It was just the two of you and his security guy Mm-hmm following in a distance and like nobody like met up with y'all for a drink or anything. It was just a That's pretty fun One-on-one. He showed me his home. I met his wife. She's a former ballerina. She was gorgeous and so sweet. Like I'm trying not to divulge too much because it was just a nice afternoon between new friends. You said if you know anything about crypto, you know who it is. So you're leaving some breadcrumbs.

Well, I don't think I'm like saying anything unsavory or untoward. You hung out with Peter Thiel, who cares? Well, I was worried that he was going to be like a human slaver of some kind. Yeah. No. It ended up being just like he loves it. No, just crypto, which hasn't hurt anybody. Well, yeah, but dude, his life, he's just a guy from somewhere in North America and he's going to school in Europe and it's like 2009 or 10 and there's some girl at a bar, he's young and she's like, what do you do? He doesn't want to say that he's at college being a dork, so he's like, I'm a photographer

and she's like, whatever. Next day she calls him, says, hey, my friends are having an event for something called blockchain and they need a photographer. So he's like, uh, okay. He goes, it's the first crypto event in all of Europe. It's like 2010. Next thing you know, he's like at every one of these events moving forward receiving. I mean, it's just, it's unfathomable amounts of money this guy has. Yeah. But also he was cool. Yeah.

When did you and Dave T get into it? Fighting? Crypto. Oh, my dad got in like 2013 and I was in like pretty close after that. Yeah. I kind of remember hearing about it and thinking, oh, sounds dumb as hell. Also, I didn't have any money to invest anyway, so I was out.

Yeah, he were never in. I couldn't have gotten in, wouldn't have if I could have, wouldn't have trusted it. Wouldn't have fit if you did. Mm-hmm. My dad had like Wired magazine when I was in high school, so he knew about it early, and then he like finally figured out how to buy it. And you know, now he's got that golden hand.

I tell you about this. No, no. My dad has a golden hand like he it's like a hand. It's his hand, but it's covered in gold now. It's insane. Weird guy. No money left. He blew it all on that. But yeah, it's a real deal gold hand. That he can put onto his hand like a glove or what? No, no.

Like his hand has been turned to gold, but it's still organic. It's like a bio-organic gold and he likes to, like every now and then he'll like grab his cock and be like, I'm King Midas. You know? It really sucks. It really sucks, honestly. Did you catch this woman that he's been stalking? I ogled her from across the courtyard.

Is she young or is she his age? She's French. It's hard to tell. Is this appropriate? She's across the courtyard in a window and my dad was like, hey, hey buddy, points up and I was like, what? And he's like, she's there a lot. I was like, all right, dude. Come on.

Come on, man. Dave just peeking out from the side. One time he peeks from the top. He comes down upside down to leer. Yeah. It's like physically impossible. Bat style. He un-furls like the blinds to leer. Yeah. It's like physically impossible. Bat style. He unfurls like the blinds.

Yeah. Yeah. Shows the gold hand. Yes. Hand. How long? I hang out with this guy from 11 till six. At six, I need to leave.

He has to go pick his daughter up. So I leave and I walk. I'm in, now I'm in the canals for the first time since I've been there. And that's when that guy recognizes me and I get the free dab of lemon pie. So now it's like 6.30, I have dinner at seven o'clock with my friend, Emily and her husband, who is the rapper known as LP from the band Ring the Jewels, which I've been a big fan of forever. I say, ring them, ring them loud, jingle jangle those jewels. Yeah. Give me the stones.

So I, so now I have like a half hour to kill and I'm just in the middle of like the Amsterdam tourist district. And I have this like moment of rhapsodic, just self fulfillment where I'm like, man, you just hung out with a billionaire and then a guy gave you a free dab and now you're going to go have dinner with a white rapper and you're in Amsterdam. This is your birthday. I just stood there like, ha, ha, ha, ha. I have very few moments of actual fulfillment, but for some reason I really was, I was like, this

is a nice birthday. This is an interesting, this is what an interesting man does for his birthday. And then I went and had dinner at a Sichuan restaurant with LP who couldn't have been nicest, who couldn't have been nicer. And Emily Panic, of course. He wasn't racist. That's his whole thing. That's funny that you said nicest. Well, it's tough because English isn't my first language anymore. You're immersed over there. I'm Dutch now.

I'm a little shrewd waffle. Vietnamese. Put me on your coffee. Let me melt. Yeah, so there was a bit of a feeling out when two alphas come together. Well, because you've met him like what? In passing a couple times or something? No, never met him.

I know Emily. Emily was one of Claire's friends. Okay, yeah. I knew there was some type of connection or a couple degrees of separation. I know she lives in Amsterdam. They live in Amsterdam. So that's why I hit her up. I was like, hey man, I'm coming to Amsterdam. And then, so yeah, there was a moment where I was like,

hey, you know, so you're from New York, and he was like, oh yeah, man, and I was like, so you were in Williamsburg in early 2000s, and he's like, man, I've been in Brooklyn since 1975, and I was like, okay, fuck, this is the reigniting candle situation all over again. But then I was like, were you there when Japanther was going on? And he said, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it's been happening in New York since 1975, I was there. And I said, oh, so you saw the Ramones when you were in diapers. He counts it, yeah, because he was technically in the same city or whatever. Yeah. So when I say that, he goes, all right, I get what you're saying. I like Japan. That's a good band. It's cool. You know about them. And then we were like fast friends. He invited me back to his houseboat. I smoked weed on his houseboat. And then I walked across the happy city last night for an hour and went to bed. It was, it was, it was a lovely birthday.

Are there, are there bikes everywhere the way that there are lime scooters? That sucks. No, isn't that a constant pain in the dick? Yes, but it's not fair to compare the two because the bicycle, the bicycle manship there is through the roof. They're very good at what they do. It's scary to get on a bike because you have to participate in like a crazy exacting culture.

Like it's so scary to fuck up on a bike in Amsterdam. I was terrified, I didn't want to do it. I was also caked. Yeah. When were you there? You went there for work for like a week? I don't remember. Yeah, yeah we went there for like a week

before we had to do work in Spain. don't remember. Yeah. Yeah, we went there for like a week before we had to do work in Spain We'd stuff. Yeah And we got fucking wrecked. Mm-hmm I'll tell you what. It's pretty easy to bring back all the hash you want from Amsterdam to Paris Yeah, that's all I'll say on the train my god Whoa, no one gives a shit Yeah, the bicycle thing like I wanted to get a bicycle because I have every time I've been here before, but I've never been here alone.

And I don't like the idea of being on a bicycle, falling, hitting my head. Bleeding out. Yeah, nobody cares. Yeah, no one knows. No one cares. Literally, people are dragging my fat buddy out of the bicycle lane so they can go play Ultimate in the park. Kicking you into a canal.

Yeah, just running over my head with their big bicycles, jumping my body, posting it. That kind of thing. Hey man, this guy messages you, hey man, I saw you writhing around and I didn't want to bother you. You were bleeding out. I didn't want to bother you. You were bleeding out. You're like kind of writhing around. I don't know. Kind of like a death rattle type thing. I don't know. It sounded like you were saying help, but I thought maybe you were singing along to a Beatles song or something, so I just figured I'd leave you be. Beatles song or something. So I just figured I'd leave you be. What the fuck? What happened? I don't know. I'm here.

Okay. You're just trying to prank me? No, no, no pranks. I hate pranks. I hate digital pranks. It said the recording would not be fine Becker. So sorry. What? Yeah. It flashed out and said your bone. None of the, it said, it said lights out in Hollywood. It didn't say that it said your recording will be fine. Okay. Yeah. I don't think it's so bad either. Yeah. I wish,

I wish my wife was here with me and Duddy. I got, I rode the train four hours, got here, me and the Dudman hung out. It fucking hailed in Sano. Soon as we tried to go outside to get some bread, it was just nuts to the point where when we were walking back from the grocery store, there was a lake in the street that we're staying on and everyone's trying to figure out how to get across it.

And then this one young woman in in cargo boots or not cargo boots. What what are they called? Mechanics boots combat boots. Yes. She's like, you know, who's a boot about, you know, some French shit and steps into the pond up to her knee and everyone everyone's like, ha ha ha ha. We all loved it. Really brought people together.

She was like, she made it. She made it seem like we were being pussies, you know, and then she stepped in it all the way up. And that was nice. Which means it went like all the way in to the boot. Mm-hmm. Now her feet are sweating. My dad, fucking 70 year old Dave T over there,

he figured out how to get through that shit right away. He set the precedent. He like found the bricks that were elevated and we all tiptoed across them. I was very proud of him. And then, of course, he gets back here, and he's on the phone trying to transfer $100 between two accounts, and it's taking three hours.

But he's capable of a lot of stuff. How long is he over there? Whole time, baby. So you're not gonna get anything done. I'll get plenty done. I was writing before this and I'll be writing after this. Although, I don't know, dude. Here's the thing is like I was telling Becker my new protocols. I'm not compelled over here to like go to a fancy restaurant. I'm not compelled to have a drink. It's like, all the things that I always was so worried about achieving on vacation in Europe are like, now I just, you know, literally just walking around looking at shit is all

I've done that I typically do. And I'm, you know, not hung over and I'm not sitting down for long meals that cost me a bunch of money. So it's been nice. I've only been to a restaurant once since I've been here and it was for my birthday dinner. Here's a weird question. I go to dinner with Emily and LP and their friend Jeff.

I know Emily okay. Jeff was there. Jeff was cool. Jeff was this black guy from Boston who was super stoked. To meet you or about everything? Just about everything. He got there, they had huge menus. I was like, Jeff, they already ordered, they nailed it. And he went, oh yeah.

And I was like, all right, so Jeff's cool. So I didn't, we get to the end of the meal and we're having a conversation about like, saying no to work because he's going out opening for Wu Tang Clan, which is cool, but it's a long trip, two months away from Emily. Emily didn't want to say no to some work, so she's not going with him.

I'm like, in this year, today's my birthday, and this year I'm gonna try and turn down and say no to things. And they all go, it's your birthday. I went, yeah, yeah, it's my birthday. And they went, we've been here for an hour and a half, you didn't say it was your birthday. I went, yeah, yeah, it's my birthday. And they went, we've been here for an hour and a half. You didn't say it was your birthday. And I was like, well yeah, I'm a 38 year old man.

Who cares, right? And they're like, but it's your birthday. And I was like, well yeah, what, I get here and I say, hey, it's my birthday everybody. And then you guys feel like you have to make a big special night for me. So they're like, well, it's just weird that you didn't bring it up until now.

And I was like, well, I just don't think it it fucking mad I think it's embarrassing if you're an old guy being like it's your birthday. We get back to the houseboat I didn't commit to that of a faux pas get back to the houseboat turns out LP just had his 50th birthday party and all the spends his friends flew in for it. birthday party and all his friends flew in for it. So he's a big birthday guy. And I said, it's gay to have a birthday if you're over 12. It's the gayest shit I've ever heard. Yeah. Uh-huh. So then I'm sitting on this Grammy Award winner, friend of Obama, you know, I'm sitting on

his houseboat and he's like, yeah, I love birthdays, man. All my friends came over for my 50th and I'm like, aha, now I understand what I did earlier. But what do you guys do? I wouldn't tell a group of strangers. Yeah, what do you do? I would say you guys are both wrong because I probably would have said something sooner than an hour and a half in or whatever, but I certainly am closer to you as far as who gives a shit than I would ever be to a big deal. And also technically whatever, 50 maybe makes more sense to celebrate. 50 makes sense.

Certainly than 38 or- 40 makes sense. Yeah, yeah. 40, whatever. But yeah, 50, I don't know. Yeah. Definitely closer to you, who cares, especially with people you haven't met. With strangers.

To have a cake with your friends in Denver and Sophie and Mel. Sure. Yeah. But I always- They're never going to hurt you. Those are the people you can trust. Let your guard down a little bit. Hey, be yourself for once a year. Yeah, I always think it makes sense to have a dinner, but not,

I hate when there's 20 people at a dinner. I think that's insane. But having people over, having a small dinner and then a get together, whatever. There's a lot of ways you can celebrate without it being really the center of anything other than the reason you're together. But then while you're there, it's not all about your fucking birthday. It's about talking and hanging out with your close friends. I know. And it's like, I've been in the situation where you're the guy that, you know, my wife knows someone and then we're going to go to dinner. I'm going to meet this person and I'm a guy who they might've heard of before. You know, if they know my wife, they've probably watched a clip of mine at the very least, you know? So then it's like, they come to

dinner and it's like, there's already this like, Oh, okay, I'm going to go. But you know, we could be at home watching Bones with your Francis McDormand hair, you know? But no, so anyway, I just didn't want to put it on him to be like, I didn't want to put it on him like, hey, it's my birthday LP from Run the Jewels. It's my birthday. You know, anyway, so I think I'm right. It's my birthday. you know anyway, so I think I'm right It's my birthday. Can I hold your Grammy? My wife's name is Emily want to switch I

Can take something from the houseboat, correct? reminder birthday Squatters rights at sea. I'm the guest and it's my birthday I'll leave it 1201 when it's not my birthday anymore, but until then I get what I want. Until then, next stop, hell. Oh shit. I have to do another podcast in a half hour. Whoa.

Who's? Are we doing Rogan? No. JD Lopez? No. Oh, okay. This guy that hit me up and, you know. You know what, doing JD Lopez's pod?

Yeah. Not a good idea. No, this guy hit me up. I know you and Becker write together or whatever. Dude in Pittsburgh hit me up and asked if I would do his podcast. I think I mentioned it. He listed all the people that had done it. He mostly talks to actors, musicians.

He hasn't talked to a lot of comics for whatever reason, but the podcast is mostly about film, horror movies, music, and He said that he likes us. I was like, fuck it, I'll fucking do it. He sends me a list of people who have done the podcast, and I don't recognize anybody. Maybe like one or two names. I randomly look up the second- Dave Landau. I said Dave Landau. I wish. I look up- You know Dave Landau? He's done everyone's pod somehow.

Every time someone's like, hey, you want to do my pod? We've had four episodes, 12 people have heard him. Dave Landau has been our guest twice. He might be in there because it was a long list of names. I picked the second guy's name and look him up. He's a good looking guy, character actor. He was one of the, he was in the gay gang in Shawshank Redemption. I don't know if they were called the Marys or something like that. The pretty boys, but he was like the redhead. He's in a bunch of

stuff, but he was in that. Oh, that guy? He was in Shawshank. Yeah. That's like the second name. It's like, all right, this is a real who's that. Oh, I thought this was the host of the pod was that guy who I kind of have heard of. He was their big flagship. He was the second name. I see. He was the tent pole. So I think it's, I think it's, you know, I think it's a lot of, like I said, a lot of character actors, you know, certainly a working, a working actor, a good of character actors, certainly a working actor, good looking guy, but I didn't look up anybody else. I just thought, eh, who cares? So I got to do that in between.

I have to shit my brains out and then talk to this guy, John Fish. Keeps talking about the fish bowl. I'm excited for you to swim in the fish bowl. Is that what he's saying? Yeah, because his last name is Fish. I think that's the name of the podcast is the fishbowl. So be sure to check that out. I'm excited for you to swim in the fishbowl. That's like Toby saying, come play with us. Yeah, no, he's got a catchphrase and he hits it early and often.

Hopefully not a complete psycho. We'll see. Speaking of Toby, he's just living in the woods. I believe you. That's probably not a joke. No, no, he was at the, he was at the comedy fort dressed up like Bush Bogwon. Yeah. That's not the right guy. He was dressed like a man hunter.

He looked like Becker's dad if he was dressing up for a graduation at bounty hunter academy. He has a Beauvais or a Boville, the same van we traveled in. He's living in that in like a national park right now, just working. I was like, nobody can find him. Makes sense. Sounds good. Nobody sees me unless I want to be seen. Nobody smells me unless it's the last thing they ever smell. Unless it's too late. Come play with me.

Inhale. Yeah. So I saw Toby. So you're going to come over here and see me? Yeah. What? In nine days or something, I'll be over there. It's too many. Yeah. Little ways to go. Uh, a what? In a nine days or something. I'll be over there.

Too many. Yeah. A little, what little, little ways to go. I'm each in Glasgow. We can, uh, we can talk to those foundry workers and convince them it was worth it. What they did mattered. It was important. When do you get to Glasgow?

The 13th or the 14th? The, I don't know, man. One of those two. We get there the 14th. So you- I don't know, man. One of those two. Probably the 13th. We get there the 14th, so you're going to have a day on your own. I better not. Why not? You'll never find me. I'll disappear.

I know where you are. You'll be at the taffy factory. Glasgow's famous taffy factory. You're in there upside down like Winnie the Pooh in his wet dream. I'm- yeah, we're doing Glasgow, we're doing London, we're doing Manchester. That's the shows this month. So let's fucking, let's get in there UK. Let's make them count. Are you a UK sub? Well, if you are, tell literally everyone you've ever met in the UK that old Sam T and caddy wumpus Nate Lund are coming

because we're at like 60 or 70 percent we were at 65 sold last I looked I want to get them out there join the patreon uh listen to Becker's podcast why am I listening to this uh listen to the funky fresh fish bowl featuring John Fish come swim come swim with us. Yeah. What else can they listen to? Sounds like more Wide World soon. Yeah, hopefully if Pat quits faking being sick, his mom will breastfeed him more. Pat's sick because he looked at you after you had not been sick for a few days. Yeah, he's on the boob. I'll be with Pat.

Greeley, May 22nd, and then Casper, Wyoming, Rialto Theater, May 23rd and 24th. Me and Pat, we won't be in the same car because I'm bringing Megan and the dogs. So that's kind of funny. I could tow Pat in his Kia Soul. You should tow him in like a wagon. Get a sidecar. Sidecar for the Subaru. Yeah.

Wait, there's no room for him in the car? How? No. The dogs take up the backseat, Megan's in the front, and then it's a hatchback, so he can't roll around in the back. It's not for rolling around. It's not like the park where I was writhing to the point of ostracizing people. Yeah, man.

Rolling so hard. I scared a guy away. He wants to meet you, but he feels like he can't approach because you're writhing around. Yeah. Oh, man. Well, shit. I feel like we just scratched the surface of you over there. So stay tuned for more, I guess. We got to keep dissecting your time over there. God damn it. That was good stuff. Yeah. And then good stuff. Join the Patreon. Let's get those. When we hit 10,000, what are we going to do?

Sounds like you're getting in a tub of slime, nude. Oh yeah, the slime thing. People didn't like that idea. They were like, oh, why doesn't he just do it himself? Why does this have to be a Patreon goal? It's like, I don't know, what the fuck? I can't be silly online. Really, people will. I would pay for the slime.

People have strong opinions about the slime gambit, Jesus Christ. Yeah, they're like, why don't you just save your money? Oh yeah, what about this? Skankfest, see you in New Orleans. Tickets went on sale yesterday. Yeah. I'll be all gone. We'll see you down there when it's not super swampy in November. I'm excited.

Dude, I am so stoked to watch you experience Skankfest for the first time. I think you're going to fucking love it. Yeah. I love comedy. That's what I'm excited about. And I love people who love us. I like to talk to you for 45 seconds to a minute and a half and then, hey, we gotta go do something. I gotta go over here. You're gonna be reduced to tears by the just the showering of love that you, Nathan Chode Lunn receive.

What's your middle name? Poed? Dwayne. Darwin? Chode Lunn, receive. What's your middle name? Dwayne. Darwin? My middle name is Dwayne. Also, why don't you give, you know, why don't you just send Becker a little kiss in the mail? Who, everybody? That's a good idea.