Chubby Behemoth - Bread Hat: Spider King

Episode Date: November 3, 2021

Hams In The Window. Pickle People. Afterbirth And Biscuits.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

well sorry you're dealing with uh with heartbreak and turmoil pal that sucks we all are yeah well i know but it really puts into perspective the things i'm about to complain about so i've had a uh i've had i've had a morning filled with rage that's good oh hell yeah no gross use it you look you look exactly like no we don't dude i look like carlos you look like becker you look like shit no that's how that's how fucked your perspective is you think carlos is it looks more put together than becker right now well hey sorry yeah coming in bash our friend whose buddy just died cool move lund i wish uh the friend that died was you but apparently you're still hanging in there well guess what i am close to turning the gun on myself

because this morning sucks yeah sorry carlos i meant to hit you up. I saw that last night, I think. Sorry, dude. Long time friend? Yeah, for about 20 years or so. That's right. Damn. Yeah, it's good to remind someone how long they were friends with the deceased. Shut up!

That's a smart move. Shut up. It's called connecting with people. You do a very surface-level interaction. Hey, nice to meet you. Immediately forget that person forever. Yeah, right, dude. I imprint on people.

I get in there. Oh, yeah, you're like a motherless goose. A little gosling imprinting on people. Yeah, I don't chew my food. You're my mom now. Yeah, it slides down your throat. Yeah, I just choke it down. I wanted to choke a woman down today.

I got close. I did not get that close, but I am. I mean, I got close. My thumbprints are on her windpipe. Look, I know you guys like living in small town Colorado where the post office is open on Tuesday and the guy who owns the coffee shop is also a QAnon shaman.

But so far, I'm two days in. I don't know if it's for me. I've just been hit with fucking dumb assery at every fucking turn down here in la junta oh yeah well yeah we we can vouch for trinidad we don't know shit about la junta it could be a fucking wasteland of rejects and half brains out there well yeah i forgot trinidad's such a cultural hub compared to la junta my bad well i have no i'm saying i have no idea i don't live in la junta my wife doesn't drag me to la junta so that she can perform forced abortions on indigenous people

we got different wives my wife made me a delicious iced coffee your wife is trying to decimate the native american population once again she's andrew jackson re-re-dub man i wish that's what she was doing down here she you know she fucking had to pull a goat out of a man yesterday there's not a lot of cool stuff that sounds really cool well yeah not compared to eugenics i mean that's where the action is man the goat man cometh yeah he did and that's why he couldn't pull it out because it was still engorged no dude i don't know like i got i went to the coffee shop yesterday morning and this i was greeted with this i was they were like so uh you knew in town and i was like yeah i just got

down here and she said are you here for the spider migration i said god you're too late i said god i hope not what what's the spider migration? Are you aware of this? Yeah. People down here posted about it. Tarantulas. What? Hop in there, Carlos.

You're the spider man. Yeah. Sorry, I just said I found one in my yard the other day. Was it a tarantula, you think? Huh? Tarantula? Yeah think? Tarantula, yeah. Pretty much, yeah. We're joined by our friend, I wish I could say on fourth mic, but not even on

third mic, Carlos, everyone. You might know him from if you have any Bureau of Land Management land that has to have been surveyed, you probably had Carlos on the site. Also, if you've seen anyone protesting blm stuff that was also carlos uh because you know he doesn't he likes one but he hates the other one so yeah he plowed through blm protesters on his way to survey blm land yeah uh what so what's there's a lady told me the lady told me that there if you have a small dog because if

you do these tarantulas might make off with it so that was my greeting in trinidad is there in la junta is that they have giant spiders who might eat your dog they yeah they they they must uh spawn somewhere and then they migrate from la junta and so yeah i've seen a lot of posts about checking it out because there's just a ton of them that that go through la junta on their way to lawrence kansas to go to school so so a small town doctor comes to town and then a bunch of spiders take over that town i'm living in arachnophobia that's all i'm doing right now we just watched it john uh goodman is maybe just ripping off bill murray and caddyshack what he's he's a spy he's kind of half spy kind of like lovable yeah it was like are you just doing what's his name carl something i've never seen arachnophobia oh it's good mostly because

john goodman he's very funny he's funny in it. I'm living it out, dude. Yeah, you're John Goodman. Yeah, I am. I'm full spy, though. I'm just rage mode, man. You're John Badman. Well, I went over to the Copper Kettle to have breakfast, which they stopped serving at 8 a.m., so I had to bring my own bread in inside of my...

I literally put my bread on my head and then put a hat on over it so no one would know and then realize that this is the thing about smoking weed after not smoking weed for a long time you're giant your best ideas are often the dumbest thing you've ever thought of but you think you're really in the in the shoot you know like i thought i was like riding the wave i was like yeah i'll just put this beanie on over this bread and then no one will notice that i brought bread in but then i also have to take the be no one will notice that i brought bread in but then i also have to take the beanie off and reveal that i have bread in there so that was my introduction

to the copper kettle situation was oh bread hats here good he must be he's the spider king it immediately falls off your head and the bread goes flying yeah and then i'm eating bread off the ground my bread a bunch of spiders come out from underneath my hat. They think I'm stealing spiders. But yeah, when Adam, the guy who runs Copper Kettle, wasn't telling me how he doesn't trust the cloud or Bitcoins, he told me not to worry about the spiders because they don't bite big people like us. So he's like, is your wife little?

He's asking me the size of my wife for exact dimensions. And then he told me that they're not migrating, they're cavorting. And he laughed really hard at that. And I'm just trying to pay my bill, but I can't because I don't have cash. Cash only at the Copper Kettle in La Junta, baby. Is there an ATM? Yeah. At the Walmart, three miles away. So now I have a tab open on my first day in la junta that i have to go pay

off after this at copper kettle because that's what it's all about just trusting your neighbors man so your big exciting story was that you found out about these tarantulas at the coffee shop yeah lund before you make fun of me this is every story you tell about trinidad all right it's the dumbest shit that you're like hey man listen to this the flag was at half mast and i went to the mayor's office and asked why and he told me that they just couldn't get the guy to work the pulley correctly so i went and got the wd-40 and i greased up that damn pulley and now america is proud and not mourning once again that's every fucking story i don't talk about trinidad yeah you do dude

constantly you're like i was at a 9-11 museum and everyone uh said the f-word those stories are fun and exciting and relevant no mine had spiders in it and a year's old guy yours has you and your wife yours has your fucking bread again oh the adventures of sam and his bread what what trouble are they going to get into next oh i had to keister my bread so that i didn't have to just explain up front hey i'm keto i brought some bread i hope that's okay i don't know what keto is down here interaction i don't want to no they don't know what keto is they're mad they might charge me a bread tax for bringing my own food in so i had to order a turkey melt and then i had to scrape i had to scrape the cheese and turkey off the bread with a spoon and spread it on my own bread and it was a total production

and that was like that was 18 hours into being here was oh cool the new bread guy's here he just puts his hat on and it's like a toaster under there yeah toast your own bread yeah i was like hey can you toast this for me there's also a man just sitting at a table thousand yard stare i was in there for 40 minutes he didn't say a word or move except for when his ketchup came and then he requested more ketchup but there was no fries or any food to dip in the ketchup so he was just sitting there with a bowl of ketchup oh no yeah i don't know i was watching him too he wasn't eating the ketchup so he was just sitting there with a bowl of ketchup oh no yeah i don't know i was watching him too he wasn't eating the ketchup he just liked having it maybe this was his only tethered maybe he had dementia and the ketchup grounded him i'm not sure but there's a ketchup

guy down here with a very hardly tucked in denim shirt speaking of ketchup i've got a doozy of a trinidad story so buckle up oh wow we got we've got we've got white castle sliders at the bar you know and oh no fuck this dude this dude and his lady came in and they both looked you know rough i can't remember if i told this or not but this woman came up after they ordered the slider she came up hey can i get some ketchup and i was like we don't have any and she gave me a look that looked like i was the spy as opposed to someone who expects ketchup because there's a white castle sliders at a bar it's like all right we'd love our uh silverware and napkins but uh yeah she looks like one of those you know one of those old ladies from the uh uh from mask you know she looks like a of those old ladies from Mask.

She looks like a biker's old lady. Just supporting her man who has that shirt that says, if you can read this, the bitch fell off. She looked like she was with that type of guy. And you made fun of me for the spider migration story. Yeah. That was your hot update. You built it up. A lady wanted

you literally said i should save this for the pod because it's so funny well i didn't know you would no sell me i called jordan doll yesterday as soon as that spider thing happened we were laughing and cackling and carrying on meanwhile i tell it to you and he's got cold dead jack lantern on november second eyes he's a quarter he's quarter spider, so he loves spider talk. Yeah, he did. Yeah, I already knew about it, so it wasn't this crazy backwoods surprise. I already know about the tarantula, so sorry that it didn't blow my mind. No, I'm sorry.

I forgot that you were a spider insider. I forgot that you were working for the hot sheets on which spiders are migrating where we got spiders down here what becker do you have a good spatula to kill them with no uh we came in the house we have this apartment here which uh for sure there's no copper wire in these walls and uh first of all the water's poison so that's a fun highlight of living near los animus and uh they're just dead wasps on every windowsill like probably 150 dead wasp that's the first thing i had to do when i came in here is eat every dead wasp because emily said that she was scared of them so no i don't have a spatula i don't have a spider smashing spatch all right becker thanks you should have given me a

heads up before i came down here i don don't even know. A tarantula would probably take a good whack from a spatula. You'd really have to wind up to kill it, right? It took me like seven hits to get that one in my house to quit moving. Why didn't you stomp it? Because it was a giant spider and I'm

very afraid of spiders. It's just, think of it as a soft-shell crab, baby. That's all it is. It shoots things out of its ass. I don't think that they would shoot you. They're not trying to wrap you in webbing. You're no prize. You think spiders are going to bring you back to the hellhole? No.

Megan let me know when we were watching Arachnophobia, tarantulas do not make webs, so that's one less thing to worry about. Also, a tarantula needs what'd she say they can't bite you on a flat surface they need to like go up and over because their fangs are like underneath uh you know they're on like the underside of their mouth so you they have to they have they need a very specific angle to actually bite you and they're poisonous but only mildly poisonous like they could maybe kill gordy but not uh emily or you sam that's how the landlord described the

water here too so yeah that's good he's like look you look big man you'll be fine but hey jugs doctor doctor has him uh you stay away from this water all right and emily i mean i don't you know i think women should be able to wear whatever they want without being fearful. But last night we went to watch Monday Night Football at Boss Hog's Barbecue Den. And she has them swinging around. She's feeling herself.

It's her first day at work. She aborted a bunch of, you know, Navajo kids. So... Oh, God. What? That was your joke from earlier. Yeah, it sounds different coming out of your mouth oh yeah what it sounds fuck you dude i can't you did a specific tribe and it made it worse

yeah you you call you you know you you did the chop people couldn't see it but you were like a fan in this wearing and i'm wearing an indian scent yeah yeah emmy's emmy's no guardian of the indians so oh man marcelo duran just subscribe to the uh page there you go nice live updates get out there why didn't i get that update because you don't you don't you don't have the too big to fail press login information i don't let you near the money cause you'll spend it on a, you know, probably medicated shoes, which people made fun of me for my shoes and they rock that suck.

But anyway, we go to a boss hogs last night and there's just, you know, a man who definitely survived multiple mind disasters. So sitting at the bar and he's fucking three sheets to the wind. And I asked him to put on the football game and the lady has to throw more coal in the tv to make it happen uh which he just pulls out of his cheek he was like he was chewing on it like backy so he spits another one

on the hopper and we put the game on and emily's tits are just dangling and swinging like she's about to breastfeed all those dead natives that she killed um she's just you know oh oh are the ghosts hungry get over here you guys were alive um until i got my hands in you so they're just dumped and everyone in that bar is just peeping my wife's titty meat and i can i I can't fight, you know, seven. Uh, I don't know where these people work. They probably don't work. They probably just travel around when the beet harvest happens and, but they don't wake up early enough to get into the fields. Um, they're itinerant people is what I'll say. Uh, a lot of Carhartt camo. And then like, uh, I bet you,

I bet a lot of the guys looked like they were dating the ketchup woman from your hilarious story earlier, Lund. Oh, nice. Yeah. Yeah, so we're just in there, and I'm trying to protect Emily's most valuable assets. All it's keeping me in this relationship, honestly, because I'm over the rest of her.

No. No. You know, I'm over the rest of her. No. So that sucked. And then I ordered ribs without any sauce on them. And she had to go check in the kitchen if that was a possibility. And she said, I guess we can do that. And then she brought me out a plate of ribs that were soaking wet with water

because they were obviously washed off in the sink. Oh, God. Yep. So I got to say, my first two days in la junta wow what a dream come true down here and was that wild horse saloon no it was boss hogs barbecue okay we didn't go to wild horse because i guess that uh i looked it up online and there's like a bunch of blue lives matter flags and i was like i don't want to i don't want to fit in too quickly you know what i mean i want to play this one safe so you just

have to tell every other person thank you for your service oh thank you for your service thank you so much for your service thank you yeah i keep picking up people's tabs when they have a vietnam vet hat on a bunch of amputees trying to deliver your food and they just drop everything it's like you need two thumbs for this job. I was at my uncle Tom and aunt Julie's on Sunday for Halloween. We watched the football and the trick or treaters started showing up and I was handing out candy, you know,

having fun. What are you? Oh, I'm spooked. Hey, get out of here. Spider-Man, that kind of stuff,

you know, just like kids. Yeah. Riffing doing some porch work. What is it? night i'm a tardis you're a retardist get out of here kid i didn't get any but a lady came up with like harlequin makeup on and she was wearing a blue lives matter uh hoodie and my Uncle Tom immediately turned. He's like, how old are you?

And she was like 17. And he's like, that's a little old to be out here trick or treating, huh? Where's your bag? And she's like, I put them in my pockets. And Uncle Tom said, you're not getting any candy for me to put in those pockets. And he shut the door on her. He shut down a Blue Lives Matter teenager. That's great.

It was crazy. Now you're gonna get egged uncle tom what's the matter with you hey you know he's lucky he could get just drive by well he might get me too because this teen you know i don't know what's on underneath that blue lives matter hoodie but it was uh i wasn't doing a good job if if you know what I mean. What? If you know what I mean. I don't want to know. Are you talking pale blue veiny lives matter? Is that what you're saying?

I'm just saying, if you know what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, you are. You're like a broken record. That's literally all I'm saying, is if you know what I mean. Not enough. I'm a little fudge judge you were you were going to come down here so we could do it live couldn't sleep and you couldn't sleep because of the fear of spiders crawling in your mouth no because i was so eager to tell you

that story yeah you couldn't go to bed because you were excited it was christmas morning syndrome i was like lund lund can't wait to hear this story he's gonna blow his mind and then i say it and you're like so uh ketchup that's the pressing matters today i was just trying to make your ketchup story slightly better by piling on mine came second more is more no it wasn't you went first and i said speaking of ketchup becker check the tape you see you should have seen the look on that lady's face she looked like she wanted to fight me because i didn't have ketchup for fucking sliders they're like three bites and they're gone yeah i know what this lady needed ketchup in order to get him down or go it

ketchup i love these i love ketchup so much i can't. Yeah, it's just red sugar, isn't it? It's fucking ridiculous. Yeah, red sugar. That's what my wife's going to be dancing. That's the name she's going to have when she takes the pole down here after they shut down the clinic. So you're there all month, except you're going to be gone a bunch, right? So it's just going to be Emily wearing two bras while you're gone.

You're like, all right. A bra would be a start. She's free loving it. Yeah, you can't just go hams in the window at Boss Hog. They're going to throw her in the smoker. Yeah, they're going to have a 500% increase

in hospital visits this month. It was like, oh, my elbow hurts. I think I need to see that one doctor. She's an OBGYN. It's like, oh, well, in that case, I'll be back with my pregnant wife. Is Dr. Boing Boing here?

Hi, I have a weird syndrome where I have to carry a piece of glass in front of me at all times. Yeah, check my vitals. Oh, not so vital anymore. I came. Yeah, I mean, she's clearly the hottest piece of tail in all of southern Colorado right now. And I have to protect her at all costs. If anyone's going to hold her down and subject her to protect her at all costs if anyone's gonna hold

her down and subject her to their will it's gonna be me you know what i mean fellas that's my right as her husband that's the contract we signed did uh did you have to get that apartment or was that arranged by the hospital yeah it's provided so are you guys around other doctors or traveling doctors are there other people that are doing what she's doing so you're in the same nope our neighbors are angelo and his mom um they're our neighbors and angelo's going to rocky ford today to pick up an eighth and he wanted to know if i wanted to pitch on it that's all i know about angela there's a lot of people down here taking care of their moms this guy was making it sound like uh we were all stuck in trinidad because of our elderly moms you know like like i was in the exact same situation as him and just hating it you know

like hey you know you got to make the best of it and just grit your teeth and be like hey i ended up here and it's like no I have fucking agency in my life and my wife and I decided to move here. I'm not like fighting the urge to kill off my mom so I can be free. Yeah, and I'm fighting the urge to kill off my wife. But that's different. Yeah, so I get laid.

Oh, last night at the bar, that guy who was sitting there next to us whose daughter happened to be the bartender he revealed uh seven rum and cokes in he i asked him i was just at the at the boss hogs uh he was i was like so uh what do people do around here for fun and he said the pickle factory shut down oh now we're talking. Yeah. There used to be a pickle factory here that supplied work to everyone. And they didn't just make pickles. They made Casey masterpiece barbecue sauce there too. Not a lot of people know that,

but ever since the pickle factory shut down, people are leaving. And he's like, look, when you were 18, you just got a job on the line at the pickle factory. And that's what you did. And now the kids don't have those opportunities.

It's like, yo, bummer. They don't have the opportunity to be pickle people for their entire lives oh no emmy said he had wet brain uh he was vaping inside so that was fun i think he's drinking more than he was eating oh yeah for sure he didn't eat anything yeah that's rough yeah at least at least ketchup ketchup guys getting some nutrients yeah i mean i think ketchup guy was just happy to be in a place that didn't have padded walls because he was really staring a hole through everyone else in there but may i tell you the ultimate worst thing to happen to me so far oh shit you saved it i got into it at the post office today uh the most heated i've been in a very long time whoa yep i went down there with a bunch of books that i had to ship uh all

packaged all ready to go and i asked the lady hey where's the commercial spot to drop off business shipping and she said they all got to go through me. And I said, okay, well, I got a lot of them. And she said, all right, rolled her eyes off to the, off on the wrong feet. I'm an affable gentleman. I'm wearing orange. I got bread in my hat. I'm just a man of the people. All right.

Cause you never know if they're going to try and serve you toast at the post office. So you got to come ready and keep that thing on. I bring up my first box and she says heavy sigh and she pulls one out and i say don't worry they're all media male and they all weigh one pound and she said well this one's not media male and i said yeah there's a couple priorities right there on top but those are all going outside the country and she said well we'll see about that so i'm biting my damn tongue the male bouncer yes uh yeah if i say so god the power goes to her head working at the post office she was formerly a male bouncer but now she's a female bouncer the power goes to her head and so does the math oh yeah so do uh so do all the testosterone pills so i hand over the box

and she takes one out and she's like well this one's weighed incorrectly and i said yeah i pay five pounds for the priority ones because that way it's just a preset on my stamps.com and she said oh stamps.com we're having an issue with that system. And I said, well, this is my first mistake. I said, well, can you check and see if it meets your specifications? You know, put a little stink on it. And she said, they're not my specifications. They're the specifications of the United States Postal Service. And I said, okay, well, I've shipped some of these before.

And she pulls out a package and she says, probably not too many. And that's when my spite kicks in. She is insulting the business that I've been running. And I tell her, oh, yeah, not that many. Only around 13,000. And I said, I've shipped them from post offices all over Colorado. I've never had an issue. And she said, well, I'm just doing my job.

Okay. Nice comeback. Nice comeback. well, I'm just doing my job. Okay. Nice comeback. Nice comeback. Yeah. You're just doing your job. She clearly doesn't want to have to move these into a different bin. And also they don't have the thing where you open it up and just put the books in the packages and then shut it. And then it goes into a central locating system. Jessamay Palufo behind the counter is the only one doing any work so she says oh this this package or this uh whatchamacallit this postage was printed on october 30th we give you a two-day leeway but now you can't ship it and i said well i printed all 75 of these on october 30th so what do you what do you think i should do? And she said, well, I think you should go print some new postage, sir. And I said, I'm going to Rocky Ford. And she said,

good luck. They don't know what the hell they're doing up there. So when she says that, I laugh. So I lose. I lost. So I had to gather up all my packages from this woman and pout out of the post office and then I went out front and this is the loudest I've never done this in real life but as I'm going out I'm in the little atrium I yell fuck you lady over my shoulder fuck you lady so here's the issue I had three boxes you're there for a month yeah I'm already burning. I had three boxes. You're there for a month. Yeah, I'm already burning bridges. I had three boxes.

So I have to go back in after my fuck you, lady, two more times to grab my boxes of books. So you said it and then realized that you had to go back in? Yes. I said it, and that was after I forget it. Because what did she do? she was dealing with someone else in line oh yeah there was two more people behind me as I fuck you lady out the door and then everyone knows that it was you and you returned yeah I'm wearing a giant I'm all

I'm all orange today I'm orange up top orange in the bottom of course they know it's me and oh they think you come back in and they're like oh he went and got his gun from the car yeah he went and got his nunchucks his katana yeah yeah I clearly am a kind of guy who carries like a big novelty battle axe you have all four ninja turtle weapons you come back in with all of them just geared up i would have i would have loved to beat her with a bo staff honestly dude like if this place was as lawless as they claim on the welcome sign i would have loved to gone in there and just thump her like a fucking

pinata with a goddamn bow step. I was so pissed. Well, yeah. And so was she full of shit about the postage thing? I've literally never had an issue with any of the issues that she was describing today. Yeah.

Like what the fuck does it matter if you put it's like if you put a stamp on a letter two days ago like who gives a shit that it was two days ago before you uh bring it in well jessime palufo gives a shit i don't know why i keep saying that name is that a comedian's name yeah caitlin palufo is uh comic palusouso. Okay. Well, I'm not trying to condemn anyone who actually has that name, but she was a real Jess and may and God, I wish, I wish she was late at the boss hog last night, you know,

because though it was cool, I'm not going to say what I'm about to say, but hopefully, hopefully a tarantula gets ahold of her around a corner so that I can bite her real good. I think she was a tarantula. Maybe that was the issue. She had tarantula gets a hold of her around a corner so that I can bite her real good. I think she was a tarantula. Maybe that was the issue. She had tarantula. She had a bunch of spider mites

in her fucking brain. And she just saw me out of her eight eyes. But yeah. Yeah, she no-sold you. And then you went to the other post office option or what? Well, that's the beauty of living down here on this norman rockwell painting that's actually a blacklight poster this is like norman rockwell done by hr geiger

is where i am right now i'm living in a short story i would have written in 2017 is literally where i am uh and the cool thing is that the nearest post office is 35 miles away so that's good news the other option or that one was 35 miles no no this one's in the heart of town it's a beautiful post office yeah but i can never go back in there i'm here for a month yep yep yep how annoying it's the worst and i'm sure i'm gonna see her at the copper kettle or the boss hog or the bingo parlor here's what's cool though is i'm literally 35 yards from the front door of the bowling alley oh and it's open oh it's open brother and guess what the covid numbers are through the roof down here that's good news no one they have they have a 12 vaccination rate jesus christ yep a bunch of

nurses quit they can't get any nurses to work in the hospital so emily's in there like changing people's diapers and slipping them more fentanyl you know she's doing everything oh wait did they quit because they wouldn't get vaccinated yeah nice these fucking nurses i watched a video of a nurse walking out of her hospital because she was you know being denied the ability to work and she was talking about religious exemption it's like i don't want to hear this shit they act like everybody should do things the right way the legal way when it comes to entering this country blah blah blah follow the rules and then there's a rule they don't like. And they're like, oh, but my religious beliefs.

And it's like, oh, yeah. Did you have Jesus tell you in a dream that you're not supposed to, you know, benefit from science while being in the medical community? I don't understand it. Jesus did hate science. I'll go on the record to say that. Jesus loved horse water wine fish song kicking it getting together with the boys long stories with some some of them had a

point some of them did not they just you know trail off riddles right yeah some of them were riddles ended with a question yep and uh you know dying young i mean he's he was he's in the 33 club with belushi and farley yeah they're all up there just playing zip zaps up in heaven they're just doing improv warm-ups up there sucking their own dicks follow the follower the good life i bet farley's sucking belushi's dick he did it on earth enough yeah uh speaking of dead uh celebrities we had a good time at stick or treat that was a lot of fun you did a great job and i did better than you but just barely i knew you would hate it uh i'll give it up for you i think you did better than me, and I'm okay with it.

Because we did two podcasts before that, and I headlined the show. So I had to carry three things you were on. So it's cool that you could do 25% of the work on the fourth thing we did that day. None of that was true. You were out of it for both podcasts, and I talked more than you. No, Becker was there. You took a nap halfway through. We had to wake you up for the plug section yeah yeah you're like uh my butt and i was like yeah hilarious no dude uh-uh no we were great together all day shut up stop trying to act

like you were better i was joking you're not acting like i was better you were better you did a great job you had a really cool angle you were george carlin we both i was canadian i had one thing i kept saying and that was about it coming up next coming up next sounded good though yeah uh and you definitely got me when you said i started sounding like al pacino because that was true yeah and then you said who fucking ha yeah that was uh it's rough to host that show as you know you've hosted with bukley the other three years and then this year it was me and you and god it's not the same as uh performing on the show because then you're just like all right this is it i have to nail this like 90 seconds and commit uh hosting god every 90 seconds you have to go back out there and say some more

shit and also riffing in a voice is hard because like you have that barrier between just saying without thinking and because you have to think because you're thinking in that voice you know yeah yeah i had to be like all right gruff and gravelly yep and then uh carlin would go from really hot like kind of a higher pitch and then go real low and then a slight new york accent too it was fucking it was a lot but uh we did a good job and we had fun so yeah we did it was fun to watch it's cool about that shows it's real like uh it's a widow maker it really levels the playing field because you can have people who you've been doing comedy with forever who are typically very funny who totally bomb and eat their ass yeah and then you can also have uh little fucking chodlingers who

you've never met and wouldn't spit on if they were on fire also so that was fun to watch i mean it was cool because we opened with brett hiker we're like hiker will do a good job he's tim allen he's got a whole tool belt and he just impossibly shit the bed uh in a real brutal way a way that made me worried that he needed to get back with his uh his lady who still has him uh i'm in the close friends instagram uh story so that's cool but uh jesus christ uh i'm glad to be in there because she's been going to the beach but uh and then you had uh that little fucking what was it the gerber baby what was yeah that's right jason gerber jason gerber who i'm laughing already every time I hear his name. Oh, Gerber. He's got a little pureed split pea soup on his mouth at all times.

Yeah, Val Victorian of Christy Bukley's comedy class, I assume. He. Yeah, he ate it just crushed Carlos and myself with that one song right for song right so yeah no he went up as Ron White and his first joke was like so I'm supposed to be dressed like Ron White

what are you doing breaks the fourth wall immediately like all you have to do that's what's funny about the show is you aren't assigned someone you it's up to you you have all of the fucking power to pick someone that you can imitate yeah and then do it well you know get a prop or a wig or whatever a costume yeah and then a bunch of fucking comics just half-ass it no-ass it you know uh and then and i will say you and i i was scared that we were gonna blow it because we weren't sure who we were gonna be we kept kind of putting it off until four o'clock that day until that well yeah

that day i brought i brought a dress in case i wanted to be like eddie azard i brought uh i thought about bringing a jumpsuit and being chappelle and i was like that will be too hot for tv that would have been great it would have been it would have been tough because you know i would have tried to walk that line between parody and racism and it would have been difficult but uh and then i realized i had that white hairspray from being dr kev so i was like let's use that maybe i'll figure it out i'm listening to george carlin on youtube while you were closing out that early show and i'm like oh god i think i can do it but yeah we did we did a good job and we trusted ourselves to figure it out and we figured it out meanwhile these other

ass hats are like oh yeah i'll pick this guy and then not work on the impression at all yeah i'll i'll pick this guy and have 30 days to figure out 90 seconds of material yeah well and also that fucking gerber guy not to smash on gerber because i think that uh you know he's retarded or whatever. I'm kidding. I know that he is. No, he's a nice little guy. But he kept saying, like,

so we only have two minutes, huh? I'll have to condense this down. And it's like, oh, Graver, what did you cut out of there? What was the shit you didn't do on stage? What was the A material you had to leave on the chopping room floor because none of this was good when like the one thing that you know that everybody knows about ron white is that you know either cigar glass of uh rocks glass of whiskey he goes out there with like a can of beer all right you're off to a good start you fucking monkey so you're out there with a can of beer and a uh a pipe that made bubbles

cigarette yeah yeah it's like dude it's incredibly easy you go out there and you just show your teeth and then you say something real slow and then a bunch of morons laugh at it and you cash your check it's real easy well yeah gerber also hasn't hung out with ron like you have so yeah or ever done stand-up before or uh been near a microphone i mean i've never seen this guy before and look gerber you're just an example of how terrible people can be on the show it was like it was about i i haven't done the math but i would say it was maybe 60 40 60 bombed 40 did great is that i mean but the bombs were so bad compared to the people who did a decent job i mean aaron wentz you know came from his job at the dog punching factory and went up right on stage he's a manager at the pickle factory it moved up to denver dude

it was so bad he's like oh i'm i'm'm Tom Segura. I'm going to speak in Spanish. Then he goes out there and he's like, uh, donde esta la baño? Yeah, no, there were a lot of stinkers. And then some people really crushed it for sure. Michael Isaacs did a killer Brian Regan. Yeah, he's the best. Noah did a great me, which is still pissing me off uh yeah what do you think he did becker just describe what you

think noah did as an impression of me it could have been so many things was he uh hyping himself up or rhyming was he rhyming jesus no is that what you think of me i mean yeah for sure what did that hurt you all you do is rhyme yeah no uh he did he rhymed emmy well you saw noah do me right yes uh will you describe what he did to becker real quick here on the pod here come on we can hear her she doesn't have to get on video speak into it there was a lot of walking around without moving his hips and moving his arms like he was shuffling pretty much carried the mic stand the whole time and then talked about how good he was at comedy. And, uh,

yeah, that's it. He, he had a fake belly in his sweatshirt and so he kept like pulling it up. Nice. Thank you. You're welcome. And you loved it,

right? It was really funny. There you go. That was the highlight of the night for Emmy. Emmy was, it was pretty cool. She was Ruth Bader Ginsburg and she had her doctorate graduation gown on, which, you know, less than 0.01% of the population have, just like the most badass regalia you can have on.

And then she was blasting SIGs in this doctorate gown. And I was like was like yes that's the woman i loved yeah that was cool nobody knew what who she was i thought she was harry potter yeah i know people kept calling her harry potter and she kept calling him the f slur and it was uh it was a rough night at the squire what were those but they weren't clansmen what were those people did you ever hear what they were? Yeah. They're like eight guys in white robes.

No, no. Somebody was like, oh, they're so bad. Oh, the Klan. And then they were like, no, but I don't know what they were going for. We're ghosts. Yeah, no, I just I walked into the Squire and I wanted to just Abe Simpson out the door. But instead I ordered a white claw. And then me and you tried to go eat at Pete's kitchen on Halloween at 1

AM. So that's the dumbest thing we've ever done as a unit. So we left and we went and got drive to Mexican food for a half an hour and it was totally worth it. Oh yeah. It was good. Tacos Los Campos. You want to tell Becker what you ate at 2 a.m in the hotel

room that we shared what fart fuel you put in your awful body before me and my wife went to sleep on the bed next to you dude so yeah i went for it whenever i uh am not around megan i usually will eat way more meat than i should and And a lot more pussy than you typically do. Hey-o. I went for it. I was hungry. I had a adobala torta, which is the marinated. Don't do the voice. Carlos is right there.

Adobala. That ruled. Holy cow, that was good. I also had a fish burrito. Do the voice. The burritos are big. Burrito pescado. And then I had

some chips and some dips. And then Emily didn't finish her chicken burrito, burrito de pollo. So I fucking ate that. And when you were in the bathroom, I had three bites of your carnitas. And then you didn't eat your rice and beans because of your stupid diet

and so i ate most of those most you you were licking it clean no i didn't finish them because the because emily's burrito came into play oh yeah there's a better offer. I had to do a Sophie's Choice. Your sister. And so I went with the burrito. That place is good, man. I'm glad we waited. It's really good. But yeah, Becker Lum was doing the thing where he's like, you know, eats his entire torta.

And then he's just sitting there. Like, he just got kicked in the head with a horse foot. And he keeps going like, oh, God. And then cracks the burrito open, takes some bites of that. Oh, fuck. God damn it. Well, yeah, that's how you make more room is you grumble a little bit. Your tummy says, oh, all right.

Time to digest a little more so we can make more room. Oh, I'm so full. And then, you know, eats the rest of his burrito. And then Emily, like, puts her burrito down for a second and one's like oh hand it over give me that for me she's like no i'm not finished with it and he's like yeah you're just go oh not sure meanwhile i had a very sensible portion of carnitas and then went to bed happy no you didn't you were tossing and turning and emily probably should have come over to my bed like gordy did gordy knew that you were going to be trouble in that little bed and he knew to jump

ship and come over by me the calm seas you know i'm nice and uh steady in my beddy gordy doesn't like to sleep with an alpha so he moved over to you oh that's why he peed on my head he was marking his territory yeah he wouldn't cuck to you on your own pillow and i took it damn i thought gordy was dead when we got in the room i forgot how deaf he is so i was when he didn't he didn't react to us opening the door coming in talking i went over there and i was like oh no yep he's dead and then and then he woke up and was he was okay that was a relief jesus christ oh yeah if he would have been dead i would have gone out the window after his body who who would have chucked the body out the window oh you or emily you probably if you come in first and you see gordy's dead you just like oh he

throw it over your shoulder you're like oh where Gordy? He's probably alive somewhere else. Yeah, don't worry, Emmy. Oh, why don't you go look for him? I'll keep your burrito safe. Yeah, I just eat all the food while you guys are crying. Yeah, you're just we come back you're nude covered in grease. You're like, Oh, where is he? Is he? Is he? Okay. I love watching Lon eat more than he knows he should because it's just like I've never been

with like a hardcore heroin addict in their deepest lows, but it's just a lot of like, oh God, what have I done?

Chewing more. He'll be like, I can't eat anymore. And then he takes a bite and it's like it starts as a bit but it's then it ends it's like a very sincere expression of uh of a man out of control i was like a heroin addict i could not sleep on my stomach yeah it was too dangerous. When I was late to the pod, it was because I was shitting. And I was at Mutiny talking to Megan and drinking a coffee.

And then I was like, ooh, I got to get going. You know, I got to get on that toilet. And I come in and I want to grab my phone so that I can tell you guys I'm going to be a few minutes late. And that was almost a difference maker, i had it started to come out and it wasn't like when it's uh when it's loose it was hard but still making its way out it was crazy i thought i 47 dog you can't be shitting your pants no i'm my podcast age is 36 and a half so get it right stop making calls god stop multitasking sorry it was a it was an la area code so i answered it oh was it conan asking you to do a new show on tbs no it wasn't thank you was it james corden saying that you're the new Ian Carmel?

Hey, Sam, we need a fat guy. Ian skinned up too much. Come on in. Blimey. I need a new load. Hey, Sam, I'm not sure if I'm gay and neither is everyone else, but I couldn't be, and that's marketable. Time to break keto. I want real bread under that hat, mate.

Check this out. Emmy's eating a pito inches from my face what are you doing what i'm eating hummus go eat hummus over there i'm barely holding on today and you don't know how close i am to burning this entire fucking city down that post office shit is so funny this fucking gatekeeper had what that little bit of power go to her head because you had a bunch of things to mail she just fucking shuts it down she didn't want to do her job and guess what that's how people wind up dead she literally said yeah she literally said she was just doing her job and she wasn't at all she was avoiding the spider story and lund didn't laugh at all and becker gave me two thumbs down and carlos threw up yeah way god this this gabajo she don't know what do you think gabajo is baby killer Gabajo

I don't even know what that's close to being Carlos what's Gabajo mean I didn't know if that's a word it's not a word I'm trying to think of what you thought it was going to be you know how hard it is to come up with a word that's not spanish

right yeah there's a million of them yeah you gorbeto this gabagool gabagordita yambanda you're not going you're not going to be able to sell any books down there you can come down to trinidad we got a killer post office man you actually have a good post office yeah the dude takes care of me i haven't uh i haven't shipped out any mail for the patrons for the last couple months but jesus christ dude get together they don't care they just do they just want to support us they literally care they don't care nobody has hit me up nobody cares yeah so you just reminded them that you're shitting on them yeah i'm definitely cucking them well gordy cut me job no i don't i have many jobs husband dog father mentor mentored i have a lot i wear a lot of minotaur none of them fit they're

too small dude mail that shit out give them a good one this month no come on i hate it it's like homework and I hate it. Oh, my God. The one thing you have to do. Yeah, that's all I have to do. There's a doctor that works with Emily called Nancy Panter, and she just came over to point that out to me. So that's the kind of fun we have. Well, that's pretty good.

That's more fun than the spider story. We're sleeping in separate beds down here. Why? It's a court mandate. Husband and wife can't sleep in the same bed. Yeah, because we weren't married in the Catholic Church. There's a house fire. There's a history of house

fires where, you know, only one bed catches and the other one survives. It's like a population. It's a way to prevent the town from being wiped out. Well, ever since that pickle plant shut down 3,000 people have left and are having a hard time adding the numbers back

are you scared Emily's gonna like sleeping without you a lot? no, I mean you don't like sleeping without me right? it's not the best thing to ever happen to you it's not the only reason that you want to be down here for the rest of your life

yeah no uh i think she loves it and it hurts me i think it's the best it's a really cool option and she's probably we're probably gonna have separate bedrooms now when i get home no we need a king size bed we have a we have a queen in there and uh i tried to lay in there the first night and she told me get out of here you dollop of daisy that was a direct quote she said why don't you take your sour cream loving white ass out of here guzango i got your ass in portuguese yeah she was like oh yeah no I don't like sleeping alone and she doesn't either but we can't share a queen-sized bed because you know me I love to spread it out yeah we we Megan and I have the king and it's

essential a queen sucks especially with the dogs. Mama wants to be inside of me four seasons out of the year. George Michael wants to lick feet all night. So we need some space. I get you guys here. Emmy watching SVU really loud in the kitchen. Yes. Emmy.

There to give us five. We need three more minutes put the captions on and the phones in the bedroom that you won't let me inside of unless they give you 30 bucks she makes me slide an envelope under there sucks wait so did you go to this other post office? Let's get some closure. Did you mail those books out? No, I rushed back here to do this podcast. What's Rocky Ford? Rocky Ford for the melons come from, the cantaloupe people. Okay.

Yeah, I think it's by the Sand Creek Massacre site, which is the thing to do in La Junta. And there's a way to mail your books out there. Or were you saying you had, don't know. Okay. Well, you,

you threw that at Jessamay as if it was like a threat that I'll take my business to Rocky floors, but you had, you had other shit to do. You're trying to big timer by making it seem like you were very busy. No, I have to go somewhere else. Cause she refused to give me service.

Right. But Rocky Ford, you just said that because you assumed you could mail parcels from there yeah and also i'm going to pueblo at 5 00 a.m so maybe i'll do a little stop by the old post office there in p town oh yeah pueblo they're gonna they're gonna play below as everyone calls it here they're gonna gnaw on those books for sure they'd be like oh sustenance dude i'm over it already pueblo's wild pueblo's like the big town in this area like the big city yeah what

you're leaving yeah you were home for 10 minutes oh my god well i'll be alone again back to the covid ward there's coffee made okay I'll have some right here. Oh, she burped her way out the door. Did you guys hear that? Yeah, it sounded pretty good. That was the last thing that she's ever going to see of me is reacting to her burp. Yeah, before the Planned Parenthood bombing gets the wrong address. Like, this is a big old Planned Parenthood bombing gets the wrong address. This is a big old Planned Parenthood and then they bomb it.

No, I was talking about before I strap a bomb to my chest and walk back into the post office. But yeah, that's also good. Oh, before you get your revenge. Yeah, on that woman. Jessamay.

So enough threatening municipal workers. Where are you going to be this week? This is not a Patreon. I will be right down here in Trinidad. I'm at the Trinidad Lounge pouring draws of Coors Banquet tonight and tomorrow. And then, uh, yeah,

I'm probably going to get kicked off the creative board sometime this week because I am not replying to emails. Just dress like Wally. He, he works. So I'm, uh, about to be a dad.

So, uh, I was thinking, look, this is why I talking to his pregnant girlfriend. So you're pregnant, right? But what if we put another baby in there right now? Think about that.

Like a dog. Yeah, like a dog. You'll get extra nipples. We won't really worry about the baby that's in there currently. Definitely moving on to the next thing. Yeah, the next baby that comes out that we're gonna look the next baby's name will be spaghetti all right we'll never let it eat spaghetti in fact we will never tell it what spaghetti is we won't let it near spaghetti

how's that sound she's like wally my feet and he's like what if instead of feet you had hands attached to where your feet are it's four hands in the four corners it's a four corners comedy festival and everybody uh joins hands to protest uh the pollution of water by big oil we're gonna have a three-day train oil protest maternity pregnancy hands instead of feet festival how's that sound to you and she's like i'm so tired and he's like what if instead of being tired look you can be tired right now he's always fest riffing he's trying to come up with a new festival with a combination of a couple too many things yeah he's like she's like oh well i'm so hungry and he's like well what about a birth birth and biscuit festival pregnant women taking lamaze classes

pregnant yoga goat yoga biscuit competition and then eating world record we serve we serve your placenta afterward as the gravy. The gravy is after birth. It's an after birth and biscuits festival. Wally, just please get me some food. What if, hold on, you got me some food? Because clearly I'm hungry too. You ever think about that? So enough.

Congrats, Wally. Happy, happy, happy birthday. That's how we say congratulations well yeah on another massive undertaking uh i will be in when's this come out becker tomorrow all right cool yeah well then today i am at uh in fucking indianapolis and then uh i'm on the tim dillon tour opening up for old tim so you can get tickets to that and also support our Patreon because when we hold on, listen to this.

Whoa. That's, that's just a preview of what's on our Patreon is me blasting through really thin shorts, uh, patreon.com slash chubby. Get on there. We've got like 130 hours of

content on there bunch of free episodes do the always saying it on there do the five dollar a month deal do the twenty dollar a month lund will definitely honor that promise he made to his patrons it's not worth it uh what am i sending you dispensary i'm sending you dispensary stickers who gives a shit uh it's definitely for the real psychos that want like a handwritten letter or lock of hair or whatever you found a flesh pissing me off oh good i'm glad i'm already pissed yeah well i'm glad that you get to book we're bookending you started you started the episode pissed now you're pissed again well i just can't believe that i already had one issue with people not letting me mail stuff and now

you're refusing to mail stuff too it's like way to pile on oh yeah make it about you it's always about me daddy you're an npc i'm not i can't say what you think that stands for because this is not a Patreon. Oh, delay.