Chubby Behemoth - Bubble-Gum Accident

Episode Date: January 23, 2022

Catchphrase. Lip-Merk. After Battering.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

it's me sam what's up i'm an alpha i come through swinging it my meat is not on the spit you spit on my meat brother it's a free solid hey let's count it this is a podcast episode uh it's called cool slim guys we're. We talk about how many crunches we did today. Me. Zero. You. I planked for four and a half hours today. No you didn't. Yeah I did dude. You went to Long John Silver's and you ate 14 planks of cod.

Yeah and guess what? They called the cops. They said get out of here. The fish police. Fish police are fun because they regulate the tanks in the parking lot. We don't have a Long John Silver, so I feel bad lying. What if we brought it in now? No.

What? Bring any other brand. Okay. Long John Silver is just heinous. How about this? Hey, do you wear underwear? Yeah. Yeah.

What if you wore sheath underwear? Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. Yeah. Right? What if you put them on underwear? Yeah. That'd be kind of cool. Yeah. Right? What if you put them on your balls and dick? I'd love to. Yeah, you would.

If you had balls and dick, that would rule. They're like that fancy underwear that actually has a fly, right? You were born with two vaginas. One in your mouth, one in your butt. Yeah. And I impregnate both of them with my rod. As often as you can. I plug everyone on this pod.

You want to do an ad before we get the sponsorship? Before anyone gives us money, I want to come in and be like, Hey, free work. Yeah, it's great. It's a bonus. Okay. Then... Go ahead.

I'm wearing three pairs right now to make my junk look bigger. Hey, Nathan, your junk looks big. You know what would make it larger? If you were in Israel bombing Palestine. And you know who does that? Lockheed Markin. Markin? Lockheed Markin.

Lockheed Merkins. I don't want to get sued. You don't want to get bombed. Hey, are you controlling an apostate apartheid state? Sure am. Are you prostrate right now? Are you pubeless? Then hey, come to lockheed merkin get the hookup yeah weapons grade hair well that makes your dick look smaller though if you have a bunch of hair so it's got to be a nice dude if that's the case

moderate amount i've got an afro down there because my dick is peeking out and everyone's whispering to it i got the rosetta stone people want to learn a. Because my dick is peeking out and everyone's whispering to it. I got the Rosetta Stone. People want to learn a language from my dick. You got to show off your awful Spanish and I hated it and everybody loved it. Everyone loved it. Except for one person who booed me.

One person who taught me what Ygriega meant, which is Y. You kept saying that Y was like, No. Yes, you did. You said, That's how you say Y, Holmes. You felt bad for saying

Sangre por Sangre tonight, which was funny, because you usually don't feel anything. Also, that guy was Greek. He wasn't Mexican at all. He was clearly Mediterranean. He was bathed in olive oil. And I kept being like, Sangre por Sangre! And he was like,

Why? Leave me out of this. You're bombing. Let me live. Easy, Lockheed Martin. How about cockhead farting? Sure. It rhymes. It's pretty funny.

Put it in your act. No one else is getting my ass i don't have an act you didn't do any jokes tonight no i still did great thank you it's super annoying but it was fun yeah you it seems like i said you were like i buried you i'm the best i did that because you hate it so much i fucking hate that shit dude and so i didn't even have a good set tonight. No, it was pretty good. I know, I killed, but like for most comics, they'd be like, that's the best set I've ever had. I reinvented the wheel. Yeah, dude. Meanwhile, I'm like, another day

at the fucking office, dude. Just check in, check out, get my cash. I haven't got any cash from Lundy 8 at all. If I'd ever have a set one-tenth that good, I'd still do stand-up. You'd coast. You'd eat off of it, dine out forever. I'd be doing the same set from seven years ago, like some people.

I think most of the crowd started off, oh man, this is great, because eventually he's going to start making sense. And then they were like, oh, this is... Maybe he'll speak English after a while. Oh, this is all it's going to be. Well, it's pretty good. And then strong finish, and then, this is English after a while. This is all it's going to be. Well, it's it's pretty good.

And then and then strong finish. And then you got to sell some books. So I sold four books tonight. Nice. These fucking ring rats down here don't know how to fucking read a goddamn book. More visual learners. Yeah, I got something they can visualize. Our books and me holding you down and cramming.

Becker, go. Our book sales are weak. What book sales? At the bookstore I work at. Yeah, you work at a fucking... Yeah, we do mostly used comic books and coffee. It sucks there. Let's be honest.

That place honks. No, it's the sweetest. No, dude, it's bad. You love it. I love it because I like trash. Yeah. I live in the dumpster. It's good trash.

I eat Little Caesars three days after it's been tossed. Nope. No. He's writing like trash. Yeah. I live in the dumpster. It's good trash. I eat Little Caesars three days after it's been tossed. Nope. No. He's writing it down. Yeah. It's not going in. Jesus Christ, dude. Uh-oh.

Yeah. Start again. Look, I'm bad. I'm the bad boy of the pod. Everyone tonight kept saying, hey, we like that you're the bad boy. No, they didn't. They did. Matt, Brooke, Ruby, Little Soho. everyone tonight kept saying hey we like that you're the bad boy no they didn't they did matt brooke ruby little soho but yeah anybody that was in there anybody in there that ruby ruby soho

yeah they're dating it was like a weird weird microcosm of our listenership because it was all couples as opposed to like what i used to think of as who was listening who was like polishing their gun in the dark putting on makeup making a list yeah like yeah figuring out like where it's all gonna end yes and also shout out to brooke who kept pointing out women while she was talking to me and being like she's got him yeah i know that's ruby i saw them that's cool it rocked dude our fucking the women who listen to our pod they're pretty cool got them. Yeah, I know. That's Ruby. I saw them. That's cool. It rocked, dude. Our fucking,

the women who listen to our pod, they're pretty cool. Yeah. Except for one of them. Except for one of them who booed my Spanish. Oh, that was you that booed? Yes! I didn't know that.

Yes, dude. You skipped the Che. I skipped, you didn't teach me the Che. You wanted to start at the end. Hey, guess what? Guevara, if you want me to read your first name, why don't you tell me? All right, Che.

Fair. Michael Che. Black. Very. Too black, some say. No. Who said that? Lund.

Lund's bad. Slicker. You slippery little bitch. Don't say i'm slicker than one i wanted to say slick and slippery and i made a new word slickery yeah it's not some kind of racist no no no it's not it's not belongs to all i thought so that's why i was wondering what you thought he was gonna say slicker than that i don't know, dude. He's fucking problematic. Everyone thinks I'm the bad boy of the pod. I'll say whatever I have to to get a laugh. You just said you were. And that people loved it. That's what people say.

Now you're immediately changing course. No, no. Maybe. In fact, yeah. Play all the angles. Every angle. That works out. I'm doing geometry.

You're doing addition. You're adding yourself to a butt that's a guy's. Like, by sure. Just shut up. All right. Just stop talking for a little bit. All right. Thank God you're leaving tomorrow.

It's been fun. It's been nice. You haven't been here. You dodged your bestie to hang out with another person I had to cash a check yeah cool oh

that I told the story it really happened there was a guy with his dog and I stopped coming out of the parking lot to let him walk by

and he didn't walk by so I rolled him down my window and like inched up and I was like hey man I saw ya I'm just waiting for you to go

and he goes I'm waiting for you to go go motherfucker and was like oh all right hello basalt oh my god it was rough and he probably thought i was you know just one of these other rich kids you know with a golden snowboard that was like ruining his town yeah you look like a wealthy child he couldn't see me he just saw my cool wheels he saw that i was missing a hubcap and he was like he's trying to that's like the new thing on Goop or whatever. And so he fucking, yeah, he blasted my ass. You were code switching with hubcaps?

He thought I was trying to fit in with the locals by looking like I don't come from money. Yeah. But meanwhile, he thinks he's seen right through me. No, I just saw him and his dog walking through a dark parking lot, didn't want to hit them. And then I get called a motherfucker for it. I'm glad you were hurt. The MFf word i'm glad someone was mean to you yeah you felt something besides control well then i tried to like get out of this parking lot that was filled with like giant divots in the ice you know so i'm like hoping i don't get high centered and then get my ass beat you know get pulled out of my car like I'm in GTA and get fucking rocked.

God, I wish you were yanked by fucking Trevor. It was close. Yeah. He was fired up. Well, that's the thing is when people see you driving a car, they're like, how did that panda get a driver's license? You could have come with me to that show and you're like, no. Why would I go up there when I can hang out with my best friends? Peischer.

Becker. Jake's friend, Carlos. Jake's friend, Carlos. Yeah. The Mexican equivalent. We're in the room right now with a bunch of people. We got Carlos.

Say hello. Hey, way. Hey, what are they, homes? We got Mel. Say hello. Clang, clang, clang. Goes the trolley. Peisher's here say hello uh next up we've got uh max ripple max say hi

and becker's here i just want my money it's perfect we got the whole crew here man and now it's me and lund we're coming in hot i I just did a show. You're wasted. Yeah, I'm fucking drunk. I've never been drunk on the pod before. Yeah, right. I haven't, dude.

Never been a bad boy. Always been good. Chris Pierce episode. Wasted. He made me. Chris held me down and poured drinks into my mouth and said, Drink or else I'm going to make you tap. Mentally, he did yes yes he

did yeah you found some big brothers he tried to get me to come down i could tell he was trying to like intimidate me over the phone and i was like you can't hurt me i'm at home you're far away it's not gonna work and he was like all right dude well i just wanted to see you i was like don't go the other way you're just trying to intimidate the shit out of me that's chris's thing chris will send me hate speech in a text message, and I'll be like, whoa. And he's like, just kidding. I love God and my children. I'm like, which God?

Thor? He's playing on the angles like you. Yeah, yeah, Odin. Yeah, Odin. Yeah, the second I told him I didn't want a drink, they were like, that's cool. They didn't give peer pressure at all. Yeah, but you fucking alpha'd them. You walked in and you said, I'm here for my check.

Which is your fucking catchphrase. Yeah, you're giving everybody new catchphrases. Yeah, your catchphrase is like, queso. Cheese? Yeah, you want cheese. Yeah. And Carlos is like, cheese, which is cool, because he's switching it up. Mel's, of course, what's her catchphrase remember you said it earlier

blood on my keys more cheese please yes exactly peicher's was i need to ride home tomorrow peicher's was i'm here for the ride tomorrow did you did you already buy a bus ticket back like last time? Okay. I was like, man, Pesci just keeps lucking into a ride and lucking out of money. Hey, if you're going to talk, stand up. I'm speaking to the mic. No. This is what Sam wanted.

He said, it'll be cool. Everybody will be in one room and it'll sound great. And I was like, no, it won't. And he was like, please. And I was like, no. And he was like, please. And I no and he was like please and I said fine whatever you want princess principessa that's Italian you don't dude I hate that you know Spanish yeah I'm so pissed I learned it in school I remembered it yeah cool because you know what you didn't remember I'm so mad I'm so pissed oh yeah something I'm good at that you're not. Yeah, it sucks. The one thing.

And you were so modest and kept being like, I'm not fluent. Yeah, you kept being like, I don't know Spanish. Oh, por de pues. You were like, igualmente. You know that one. Likewise, cool. Yeah, I don't like anybody. In Quintana, I was like, no, it's not nice to meet you.

I think that's one of those that if you told a native speaker, igualmente, they'd be like, yeah, cool. Like, you would sound like you were in first year, first grade Spanish. That's like the first thing you'd meet. Dude, I'm in fucking wearing diapers, sleeping in a cradle Spanish. Yeah. I don't have shit on anyone. You got some bitch telling me how to say why? And then you wanted to show it off to a dude from Spain.

And I'm sure he must have been so confused because you're just like, ah, yes, hola. And then you did the fucking alphabet poorly as if he's going to be like, ah, hermano. Ah, of course, is eh. Like, oh, you know about my culture.

And then you threw in, what, octopus out of nowhere. I said, pulpo. In the middle of your book pitch. After you had moved on. In the middle of your book pitch. I was like, pulpo. And he went, igualmente. In Spain, yeah, I was talking about Mexico.

Dude, as soon as that guy was like he's from Spain I was like I've literally been practicing this for fucking two days yeah you're all jazzed up yeah

the only material you did tonight was the Spanish alphabet Spanish alphabet yeah you whipped that out you went to your notes dude did you see my face

you were sitting over there with your old lady I was watching the football game dude when he said he's from Spain I was like I went straight like vampire knocking on the window like invite me in it was awesome and then I blew it I got through like F

I couldn't remember G I think I said G was gay you did no one laughed and I was like well that was cold it goes abese stop doing it was gay. You did. No one laughed and I was like, well that was cold. It goes ah, bae, say, bae. Stop doing it. Come on. A, F, A and then you get to G and I was like, gay

and like. Skip H both times. H sucks. We don't need H. You're the one who needs H. What is H? You need it to feel better. H? Yeah. The shackle that's around your neck? You fucking drug addict? Get off your phone. I'm trying to see if I can get pizza or if I need to order... Can I have pizza?

You're such a fucking liar. You're like, I only eat one meal at night and then all day I'm in here watching you eat fucking cream pies and you're like, this doesn't count. This isn't food, dude. It's not all thrown off. I'm gonna throw you off the pod. I hang out with him all the time. How often have you seen me eat in the day? Carlos, dude. It's not all thrown off. I'm going to throw you off the pod. I hang out with him all the time.

How often have you seen me eat in the day? Carlos, speak. Never. Ever. Hold on. Nunca. Do you have a big test coming up? Yeah, I do.

It's called our friendship. Say some of the alphabet. This is a weird class. Hold on. Let me go through this is a weird class. Hold on. Let me go through this. No. Yo. Tu.

Usted. You know Carlos. But I respect Carlos. He's familiar. I'm like you. He's older than you. You could go with Usted. I do.

Exactly. If they're older than you. And then everyone over here, vosotros. Everyone in the room, nosotros. Vosotros is just in the Bible. You don't need vosotros. No, it means y'all, dude. I'm going to Spain. I'm trying to is just in the Bible. No, it means y'all, dude. I'm going to Spain. I'm trying to be a pulpo king.

No, ustedes is y'all. I'm not going to Mexico and fucking eating donkey shit. I'm not going down with Carlos' people and, you know, shaving badgers. Alright? I'm not trying to make bad quilts. How's your phone going? I'm gonna have to order pizza. Did you order me

a pizza bucket? Yeah, he needs... I need a bucket stat. I'm probably just gonna order pizza did you order me a pizza bucket yeah he needs I need a bucket stat I'm probably just gonna end up cooking what are you gonna cook I don't know I have to go look

I don't remember yeah this motherfucker the card's right there if Carlos wants it I've been with I've been with fucking Becker for two days dude

it is not the operation I thought he was running it's not what he's eating fucking food at two in the afternoon he's having people over

not smoking inside that was because of us we made him we made him eat the burger in Walsenburg

before his normal thing yeah and then I didn't eat that night other than like the cream pies

yeah you didn't eat that night meanwhile old fucking shepherd's pie over here yeah dude

I want a bronze statue of you after you texted us saying you had dinner again that night. That was amazing. Oh, dude, one of the people there tonight, Matt, of Matt and Brooke. I know Matt and Brooke.

Brooke has cancer. Shout out. Matt made a bunch of Indian fry bread. I'm proud of her. So it was like Takabe down here. And it was really good. Whoa, it was like the worst restaurant in Denver here. What are you kidding? It's really good. Yeah, you do like the worst restaurant in Denver here. What are you, kidding? It's really good. Yeah, you do.

You don't like Takabe? You eat like a runaway. You eat like you found four bucks at a bus station. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm good at it. Look, I can't wait to eat at Matt and Brooke's restaurant opening in Trinidad on February 2nd. Food truck.

Food truck. That's the name of the restaurant. It's a brick and mortar, which doesn't make any sense. It's ironic. Don't you think? The Lakers beat the Supersonics is what I thought of. Is fry bread going to be one of their normal things? I don't know, man.

He does all kinds of different stuff. What about guy bread? Nailed it. Very good. I give you a treat. He's made a bunch of different stuff. He was making food at the bar during the Bronco games, and he's really good. The food truck should do well. And you want to marry him?

He's your new best friend? No, no, he's engaged. Brooke and he are getting married soon. Not if I can help it. I'm invited. You're not. I'm going to slip in. I'm going to fuck Matt in front of his wife.

How about this? Did you... Here we go. How about this alert? Were you worried tonight that the cowboy with the very thick mustache and goatee, when he got up, I was like, that looks fake. That looked like a merkin. You think so?

It just looks ridiculous. Lipmerk? He could have been faking it, but didn't you worry that he was going to get mad? No. I don't fear anyone. I'm not a pussy. Okay. You also had 15 friends in there, so.

Who? No one in this room. Surrounded by fucking losers and dirt eaters. I'm looking at you. Yeah, I eat dirt. Yeah, you love dirt. Yeah, but also cream pies. Yeah, this guy can't get enough cream pies.

You know what's good is that dirt dessert where it's. Oh, my God, I love dirt, dude. Yeah, this guy can't get enough cream pies. You know what's good is that dirt dessert where it's... Oh my god, I love dirt, dude. Hey, sound off in the room if you like dirt. Gummy worms in the dirt. Yes. And that weird marshmallow fluff. Wild. It's whipped topping.

It's wild. Oh my god, bury me in that. If you find my body before my wife does, you get the fucking crushed up Oreo cookies. You get that whipped topping. Mallow cream. All right? Don't tell London.

I don't want them there. I don't want them mourning me. I'll eat it in the motorcycle leather. Yeah. He'll dip a finger. Yeah, he'll dip

more than a finger. He'll be like, look, Emmy, I'm fucking his pile. Wait, but you're dead. Why would you want to be buried underneath that you're dead?

Why would I want to be buried in dirt? In the dead. Why would I want to be buried in dirt? In the dessert. You're not going to be able to eat any of it. Well, I want my sister to have fun. You've passed. She's not going to break keto because you died. She'll break keto at my funeral. It's what he wanted.

It's what he wanted. That's my sister, Christine. Vampire. Her name's Christine. Oh. Yeah. Okay. that's my sister Christine her name is Christine oh yeah okay now I want

Sophie's name getting out nailed it so we were down here we had a bunch of fun shows

me and Becker had a good time Carlos was around you did a bunch of

shows yeah I did a bunch of shows? Yeah, I did a bunch of shows down here. You book a bunch of shows. I did a two, four, six, and eight. And who do we appreciate? Turned out it was me. You just had me do one out of your several shows? Well, you bailed on me. I was booked.

No, you weren't booked. You did Cool Ethan's fucking giggle party. You stole Valor. You stole Cool Ethan Valor. Here we go. And I didn't know we were calling him it to his face, so I thought I was bringing him in on the joke, and then he's like, oh yeah, Sam hits me with that all the time, and I was like, that was mine.

I didn't know that I called him Cool Ethan to his face. Maybe online. That's heard from. No, it's not. It's a... He couldn't be less cool. It started ironic, but I think he earned it. How did he earn it?

By paying everyone 80 bucks to go do his show where he makes 50k? Yeah, stretch it out, Lund. My feet are asleep. We're like five minutes. I can't sit. Yeah, you saw that pile of beef. I can't sit on the ground. Pile of beef?

You mean Lund? No, that burger he ate, his feet are asleep. It was so gross, dude. You guys are both pigs. Also, I forgot to say when you guys ate that burger, I asked Lun, how's

the burger? And he went, food's good, makes it easy. That's what you said when I asked you. Yeah.

Yeah, you were like, food's good, makes it easy. I was like, okay. That would have been an impossible task for me then. You should have

been sitting at the table with the Down Syndrome children. If it wasn't good. I was worried that the burgers would be overdone and the fries would be undercooked.

And so it would be a nightmare. And then you wouldn't chew less or more. But instead it was a... Perfect burger. Walk in the park. Yeah. Hamburger park. You can just eat the trees.

You were like Sean Kemp at a fucking battered women's shelter. No, he didn't batter them, he banged them. He banged after battering. No, no. Yes, he did. He deep fried and then he laid pipe. No. He had a after battering. No, no. Yes, he did. He deep fried and then he laid pipe. No, he had a bunch of kids. No, dude, he was a bad guy.

And the moms all loved him. Sean Kemp plowed a bunch of wounded women. He was allergic to fucking latex. You don't know about Sean Kemp? I don't think he hit anybody. He would go city to city and he would be like, driver from the airport, take me to the wounded woman shelter. And he'd show up and he's like,

who wants Domino's pizza coupons? And they'd all come fucking flocking out. And he would just bury his seed in them and be like, jump man, rain man. It sucked. I don't like it. He would go to the wounded warrior clinic and help fit prosthetics onto amputees.

Yeah, he'd be like, do you feel your foot? And they'd be like, no. I need a prosthetic. My feet are going numb and then it's not coming back. Yeah, you're in a bad way. Everyone tonight asked me about your fucking gout. Good. Everyone at the bar was like, how's Lun's phantom foot?

And I was like, I don't know, dude. Buy a book or shut up. Dump him or pump me. Or? Huh? You want to like dump and pump? Hey Becker, order the pizza or shut up.

I'm not ordering pizza. Why? Because I can't have any or because you don't have any money? Because I'm just going to cook. You're going to cook for all of us? No. There's eight people in here.

I don't have enough food. Do you have tortillas for Carlos? I don't. I'm out. Do you have red kidney beans for Pysher? I do. You do? I do. Why don't you make some beans? Because I'm not you. I'm not just going to have a meal of beans. Oh, you're not going to help everyone eat? I get like pre-delivered meals that are portioned. Oh, wow. Hello, fresh. Hey, Lund, are you tired of cooking? God, I'll tell you. I'm tired of my wife cooking for me.

Me too. It's like, have you heard of salt? Or get this, pepper? I know. And she's like, what? My wife was in a bubble gum accident. She bit off the tip of her tongue. Now.

That's where all the good flavors are, is the front. You've got your own ass. I did. It's just so funny to think of Emily being like, is this gum or is it my tongue? Oh, there's not even gum in there? I was thinking, hey, it's a good piece. You're chewing it vigorously.

There's an accident. No, there's no gum. No, there's no gum. Damn. She comes home from, you know, boarding a bunch of fucking Navajo Indians, and then she's like, what's in my mouth? Is it this old gum? The thing I

was born with. Anyway, helloFresh. Yeah. Yeah. They rock. Becker, you eat it. Yeah, if you live in a small town where there's no produce. Lund, do you live in a small town?

It's a thriving community. How's the produce? You have to eat around the rotten parts. You know what? Speaking of my wife, I love eating around the rotten parts. Yeah. And that's where HelloFresh comes in. It's like, hey, are you trying to save a marriage? Of course. Do you listen to podcasts? Yeah. I don't want to hear my wife jibber jabber.

So in that case, order HelloFresh. You know what I like? The UK version. HelloGovner. It's just all bangers and mash. Hello, governor. Hello, governor. Everything's cold. Yeah, everything's covered in gravy. They don't heat everything up over there. Alright, let's tap in real quick. Peischer,

what do you got? Nothing, Ryan. They shouldn't be at the ready. Well, you better have an anecdote. With a zinger. You've already exploited the couple They should be at the ready. Well, you better have an anecdote. With a zinger. Well, you know. You've already exploited the couple of stories he's given to you. You just blasted him immediately.

Got him out of the way. What? No. What about, I don't know if you guys have ever had a meal delivery service brought to you in western Pennsylvania. But Hello, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is awesome. Gross. Come on, dude. Spit it off my own ear. Cool, spit it in my mouth i can't hear you it's gum um so we are joined in studio live by a bunch of great people yeah we already introduced them you did a little impression of them damn it moving on all right catchphrases okay lund you were in Basalt last night

how hard did you bomb not that hard they definitely didn't love me bringing up 9-11 in a fun way that was your

fucking credit score that would be sick is that good that's a good one I don't have credit I pay cash I only buy stuff

with doubloons oh yeah all your money is tied up in monkey nfts dude i am down hundreds of thousands of dollars right now because of ethereum because of crypto okay crypto shit the bed i am in a bad way no way that i can't afford to get home i gotta sell pie shears little boy pussy to get back to fucking Denver. Shouldn't be a hard sell. No, that's good. Dude, I'm bad.

I'm in a bad way. Good. I've had a rough fucking 72. I mean, sorry. The screenplay situation I told you about. Yeah, let's get into that. You leaving me for a long time to go hang out with your best friend Lizzie Wolfson. Fucking crypto shit in the bed.

Having to hang out with Peischer. It's been a bloodbath. And fucking Becker didn't bring me jewel pods last night. I fucked up. He blasted me. He was like, I'm going to the store. Well, I should do the impression of how the listeners hear you. Do it.

I'm going to the store, yo. What y'all need, creepers? And I was like, can I get some jewel paws? And you were like, you got it, blood. And then you came back and what did you walk in the door? As soon as I saw Sam, I realized I fucked him. You were like, the moon's full tonight, honky. I went to go get cigarettes in Carlos' car in the snow. So that was a stressful drive.

But when I got there, there was like a crackhead who was having the lady from KFC who I know from Mutiny like buy him like $45 worth of like hostess shit and like junk food. Yeah. And he got like a slushie

and she was driving him somewhere because his pants were wet. But I stood in line. His pants were wet. Yeah, like he'd been walking And you saw a guy with wet pants and you didn't think of me? Yeah, dude, I know. You're doing better in life. No, like you'd been walking through the store. And you saw a guy with wet pants and you didn't think of me? Yeah, dude, I know.

You're doing better in life. No, I've been soaked for three days. Your pants are dry. I've been in these orange sweats for three days. Begging jewel pods off curly-haired mofos. But yeah, I totally forgot because I was pissed off about how long they were taking. And when I got up there, I just was like, oh, my normal. You were like, can I get everything that I need because I only think about myself?

I'm like my friend Nathan. I don't think about Sam. Then he tried to trick me today and asked me to get him Starbucks knowing they were closed. I didn't know they were closed. Peisher told me a riddle. Okay, well, when I got back... He was like, what's open when it looks like it's closed? And I was like, a mouth?

And he said, Starbucks in Trinidad. Yeah, they're closed for trading. But when I got back, he said he knew, so he's puppet mastering. And then he puppet mastered me. I puppeted his ass hard today dude twice yeah it rocked the bangles won first of all so we made some money me and pysher all right wolf wolf says the dog yeah you blew it because you suck what'd you say you said hey sam you should get some cool pants i said these are the kind of pants you should get and i said excuse, excuse me, I'm watching a football game. After you bitched about football for fucking three hours.

Yeah, football sucks. You suck, dude. You're anti-American. No. You're worse than the Boston Bomber, dude. You ruined a pastime for me. He is. Wait, so was...

You should be locked up for January 6th. Was Marathon running a pastime for you? Yeah, dude, I love to watch. Okay. I love to watch him bounce. I like to say look at that Kenyan she's got them. They never have them either. But the marathon runners do. Wow. Yeah. Slap slap slap goes their feet and slap slap lap goes their teats. And I say this is fun. And meanwhile you're in the back going like I wish the Ninja Turtles wore helmets.

Maybe I would care. You hate football. And then you came out during football fucking swinging around some kind of ninja size. Yeah, I was swinging my size around. Yeah, because you needed attention. Yeah. You demanded attention. Me and Paisha were watching football and you were like, look what I can do.

I was bored as fuck. You know why? The most boring game I've ever invented was on TV. Because you don't care about... No, dude. You're right. Baseball wasn't on. Football was on.

You suck. I hate what you say. Football is very boring to me. No, dude. It rocks. It sounds like you got jealous of his sigh abilities. No, when he brought out his sighs, I went, sigh. You started going... I went, sigh. You started going...

I went heavy sigh. You started going, ah. He did that exact bit. I made that joke, and it hit really hard. Oh, I figured you started trying to show off your meager Spanish. I don't know. My Spanish rocks. For a guy who's taken one class, my Spanish is pretty good.

So I do the thing I do with my hands. Two. Yo. Vosotros. No-sotros. This teacher's not saying vosotros. I don't have a teacher. I have an algorithm. Two. Yo. Vosotros. No-sotros. This teacher's not saying vosotros. I don't have a teacher.

I have an algorithm. It's online. Crypto Spanish. Shut up. Yeah. I showed him pants that would be good for his...

No, no, no. You showed us Psy stuff first. No. Yes, you did. You came out twirling Psy's. And you said,

have you seen the film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Remember film Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Remember in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, the man who played Kino was actually Raphael in the first film. Yeah, because you brought up the comic book. And then you gave me a comic book. Surf Ninjas. I did bring up Surf Ninjas, which I'm not allowed to fucking go to Denver Public Library. I brought up a comic book you would have only known about if you were going through my comic books in my office.

I did. I looked through everything. Yeah. I looked through your junk drawer. When you asked about it, I offered it to you knowing it wasn't one that was out so you were looking i found all the ransom notes from the children nice yeah you kidnapped their parents yes wait and then you wait the kid writes a ransom yeah it's all in crayon but yeah then i bring the pants out to show him to sam he looked at him interested and then was like i'm gonna try them on and i was like you can't you

won't fit he was like don't do it oh puppet master i was like I'm going to try them on and I was like you can't you won't fit and he was like yeah you try them on oh puppet master I was like where are we going with this and then I went in my bedroom and I tried them on for him and when I came out

no I told you I said hey why don't you try them on for your friends let's take a peek I didn't know my friends were going to be online you went good

your only friends are online you were like good golly mister let me show you how my thighs look and these striped corduroys and I was like yes yes

go forth go forth and put your little panturoys. And I was like, yes, yes. Go forth. Go forth and put your little pantaloons on. And you were like, I got braces. And then you went in there and you came out and I was filming you. Yeah, that's when you didn't know what braces and suspenders were. I didn't because I'm not a fucking dentist, stupid. Grow up. You want to show off your cool pants in front of your buddies?

Get a new friend. He asked me to. I said, put them on for us and then i came back through the door and he was ready with the camera going yeah i was immediately pissed and knew i'd been had and what do you do you what but did they look good or they looked great and also i was also playing don't you forget about me and he danced around and it was great he had me spin i had a spin i posted it on the chubbo on the chubbo

it's already up yes nice guess what else is up all of our listeners hogs puppet mastered me yeah I got you I know

you were putty so happy you're putty you're David Putty feels like an Arby's night that was you tonight I wish we had an Arby's yeah I bet you do

so you could eat it in front of me you're so gross so yeah this guy over here it's a fucking freak show around here 24-7 he just takes dabs I wish we had larvae. Yeah, I bet you do. So you can eat it in front of me. You're so gross. So yeah, this guy over here, it's a fucking freak show around here 24-7. He just takes dabs. He says to Pysher,

you want a dab? And Pysher's like, and I'm like, what are you guys talking about? Ripple, let me hit that chillin' dog. Let's put some of that bad Durbin in there. We got an all-star cast tonight.

Yeah, you should definitely be more scattered. Get stoned. Scatter my ashes. You freak bitch. Dude, someone's gotta fucking carry the toad. And guess what? Noah's family got tired. This is a free one, so that's coming back.

No, who cares? No one can hurt me. No one can hurt me. No one can hurt me. I think he stopped listening anyway, so it's fine. Also, Noah's having a... Well, we shouldn't talk about that. We shouldn't talk about that. We shouldn't say anything about what Noah's up to.

But the show tonight was great. Everyone said it was the best show they've seen in Trinidad. And Earth, Wind & Fire played here last week. So that's good. Can you imagine? I can. That'd be a good one. Yeah.

If you were in there, it'd be Girth, Wind & Fire. I saw Earth once, and it's not the same without the rest of them. Remember Mondo from Gen X? I remember Mondo. Hey, can you get off your phone? I just... Who's texting you? I don't know.

One of your boys? One of your homies? It's Oren, because he was also invited to my house. Have Oren come over. He'll be like, there's not a bagel in town. Jesus Christ. He's next door. What do you mean?

He's next door. Yeah. Oh, no, he lives in Wally's. I think we're at Wally's. Oh, you're so stupid. Dude, I'm fucking pumped. You don't know where you are. Yeah.

What did you drink? A bunch. Whiskey. Very good. Michelob Ultra. I'll have one, thank you. White Claw. Is there another one?

That was it. Yes. You had three drinks. No, no, no. I had a lot of fun. Oh, good. I had a lot of fun. I really wanted to get drunk tonight so I could come over here and annoy you.

But guess what? Mission accomplished, George Bush. Yeah, you're the worst. I'm Chaney. You're George. Puppet master. Puppet master. Hand up my asshole. And you love it. Making me invade Becker's house

against his will. I'll bet Becker will sleep good tonight on a nice Casper mattress. They deliver the mattress to your home. You can fuck on it all night and day. Or sleep. Well, eventually, yeah, you pass out because you don't have any more electrolytes.

When I am trying to bang an old honeydew melon that I found at the flea market, nothing gets me off like my elbows bouncing off a caster mastris while I pound the melon on my hog. Hey, you say some words that aren't cream pie, camel cigarette, bong load, hash. I can make a soundboard of you. Easily.

It'd be glasses, car, car, car, glasses, hash, resin, live resin, car. You did try to show him an owner's manual for your old Buick. You got fucking fired up to show me a 1964 owner's manual. You're a geek. No, not like you. I like football. I heard you talk about football. That's being a geek. No, not like you. I like football. I heard you talk about football. That's being a geek.

No, football's cool. Football's for guys who got head. Cars are for guys... It's for children to get head. No. You want to give a kid head? It's for teenagers to get head.

You want to give a kid head? It's not for adults. It's not an adult sport. You want to suck a child rather than watch football. That's what you're saying. Listen to yourself for once in your life.

Use your brain. Quit thinking about tweet treats. Whoopsie. Still on your hands. I am. Until it goes numb and then whack it. Let's send it to Peischer. Let's get Peischer in the mix. Peischer with traffic. Yeah. Peischer, what do you got it's wide

open here at renardette nice man didn't even have to look out the window and he was completely accurate yeah we have a great cast here tonight we got we got carlos we got mel can i bring Can I bring something up, though? I've often marveled at the fact that in marching bands in college, the cymbal player is given a scholarship. The person who clangs the cymbals is given a scholarship. And we are lucky enough to be joined by someone who awarded those scholarships. One Mel Blank. The voice of? Roger Rabbit.

Roger Rabbit. Still got it. Mel, will you come forth and speak into the knob? Tell us how these are awarded. If you want to be on the pod, obviously you have a lot to lose. How do you award a fucking symbol

scholarship it's based on no no no come up stand up i know you're four foot two but come speak into the microphone i'm gonna share this uh chair oh you snagged carlos stealing a chair from a mexican what else is new all right let's hear it yeah we're all part mex Mexican except for Lund. Lund's 25% Swedish, 25% Swedish pancake mix. Lund. Now, Mel, let us smell what the rock is cooking. What the fuck?

No, no. God, Carlos, don't encourage him. What's this? Don't chill on your ass. What's fuck? No, no. God, Carlos, don't encourage him. What's this? Don't chill on your ass. What's this? It's bubble gum. Chew on it. Chew on it.

It's bad. Oh, shit. All right, Mel. Clang, clang. Yeah, so here's the thing about cymbals. They're metal. They're heavy. Sure.

They're sharp. Heavy metal. They vibrate a lot yes so as long as you're willing to get bruised you get a scholarship bruised contused 222 yeah cash cash so but i mean like i feel like pyscher could wonder and be like me likey clang clang and they'd give him yeah i would do it i'll give you a scholarship right now interesting you know what's even crazier having a woman on the pod I like it

you're nailing it no women no blacks no Irish let's get them in they'll tell us about their folk ways they'll sing their songs yeah you can throw in that you're an 18th of a percentage mestizo. How dare you? What, you did.

You threw it out there tonight. I said I was half. I'm allowed to say whatever I want. My grandma came over on a boat, and it's like, you said she was Mexican. She came over on a fan boat. She was a fan of America. Swamp. Yeah.

So you award the scholarship based on who can clang and carry? Yeah, you gotta carry them. You gotta clang them. You gotta stop them. You gotta stop them. Stopping's how you get it. And you stop sound. The muting is a big part of the symbols. Yes, yes, with your flesh. Okay. Interesting.

Alright, that'll do. You've been hung up on that. Well, I've wanted to ask Mel about this, and Max is always like, don't talk to my woman. Max is always like, that's my bitch, bro. Don't mix business with pleasure.

Yeah. He's down here selling me fentanyl. He's like, hey, don't let the dog... Don't let the dog bark. This is the best pod we've ever had. Hit that weed. All right.

Should I? Go to bed. All right, here we go. Time to go to bed. Thank you for weighing in, Mel. It is a very exciting... I've never understood why. We're going to get some symbols in here.

I'll teach you. Thank you. I got some symbols for you. It's a bunch of L's put together. God. What? Duh. Ooga. That was Hitler? Duh. Ooga.

That was Hitler's car horn. I didn't say Hitler. Come on. You spelled it out. I didn't spell anything. You spelled it out. I can spell it. You made me.

I didn't make you do anything. You Puppet Master me. Except for love me. I made you say the swastika thing. I made Becker put on funny pants and dance around today. You knew you were being filmed and then you did the twirl anyway

yeah I was already defeated I'd already walked out you loved it you felt like you were a pretty little girl I wasn't even excited

about putting them on for you I just wanted you to see the pants before you came out the door you said I'm ready for my

close up okay you did Heysher was there he remembers too Heysher was there. He remembers too. Heysher, who do we have tomorrow?

The Bills. Bills. Bills suck. No. Why would you say that to him? I didn't say it to him. I said it to you. Oh, well,

he heard it. He hears a lot of stuff. I'm about to blast off. I faked it. You pinch-fibbed. I pinch-fib up. I faked it. You pinch-fibbed. I pinch-fibbed. Hold on, look at this. His hand didn't seal.

Legalize it. Oh, no. Legalize it, baby. All right. Sam's on that weed. Now, this is a guy named Max's weed. Mm-hmm, yeah. Yeah, you've introduced him four times. We've got a great cast tonight.

We've got Carlos and Mel and Mel's friend, Max. Oh, we should say that they did the musical intro for the live pod during High Plains, which was a nice touch. That really was cool. And also, we had Max on a Patreon episode and everyone loved it. Max Ripple's the fucking stripper. Oh, the two of you?

Yeah, they were like, get rid of the one, get Max in there. Not me, right? I wasn't there for that one. You weren't there, no. You were busy not being my friend. Cool Ethan, baby. Yeah, you're cool Ethan. He takes care of me. You want some?

I don't feel like smoking. What if I hit it again? You drooled all over. You spit up a little bit. I got't feel like smoking. What if I hit it again? You drooled all over. You spit up a little bit. I got that guy's scarf. Ruby's ex-husband. Also, Ruby, shout out, those pants were fucking fire tonight.

She had them in her butt. Have you seen this? She was cheeked out. He's a drummer, but... She looked like she was stung by bees. Butts. That's what drummer, but... She looked like she was stung by bees. Butts. That's what the bees dance for. Yeah. Yeah, she was fucking...

All right, Ruby. Ruby. Not her name. What's her name? Ruth? Yeah. Ruthie. Shout out.

The Ruth is loose. We just lost a patron, but... No, we didn't. But we gained a friend. And... Carlos? She's cool. Dan's cool. They look like they could beat up we just lost a patron but we didn't but we gained a friend and Carlos she's cool Dan's cool

they look they look like they look like they could beat up any other couple I feel like they like oh yeah not even guy

versus guy but like the two the unit the couple would fight another couple they're coming out on top they're getting the straps

right what was I saying about her? I don't know. You were objectifying her. No, I wasn't. You were being weird. I said she could read and speak. You wore her ex-husband's scarf.

Oh, so I put on the ex-husband's scarf. Scarf. And then he proceeded to cough the entire show. He was sick. He was very sick. He had TB or the germ or a touch of the old gingivitis. And he kept coughing and I was like, oh, was blood on that scarf and you put it on anyway yeah test me right now i'll put you down oh no i said we all have to get no i'm going i meant test me physically oh come at me you kept saying come forth you said it nine times you wanted everybody

to come forth like you were a king well don't come first that's my thing come forth you said it nine times you wanted everybody to come forth like you were a king well don't come first that's my thing come forth that's a party if you're coming forth that's good you held out as long as you could fourth well come forth i come first that's my thing okay i come before everyone else yeah you're the first one i come how about our friend who almost consented to an anonymous bloge oh yeah random yeah rocked putting it out there just i i couldn't believe it that was one of the times where i felt like i was almost 40 let's blind item him yeah what giant load what guy who looks like our child raised in a trailer park. What fat Richard said. Yeah, he's online trying to get sucked.

There was a post on Reddit that said, hey, I want to suck you probably. I live in Denver. I want to suck someone. Randomly. Did you think it was a little weird that front of the line was white? Correct. A little weird, right? Like, you can't say that. Well, it's like you're making an omelet

don't say that don't say white gets front of the line well she said white six foot two 270 pounds seven inches or longer and when pat richardson sent us that message and was like should i get blown i was like i zoomed in on seven inches and said, you don't have a chance. Because he's, you know, three inches rigid. Yeah. Yeah, he's got that Greeley five. He checked a lot of boxes, though. Yeah.

Yeah, he's like, scattered, covered, capped. What? Scattered, covered, capped caps what's that that's how you order hashbrowns that's how you get your hashbrowns covered are those smothered and covered you can do a box scattered

scattered onions covered in cheese or chili capped capped as mushrooms that's all the boxes he's checking because he's a big fat dickless guy she ordered a cap she was disappointed

they ran out of mushrooms at Patrick's factory but hopefully he did get it he didn't he sent us the screen cap of him talking to that woman yeah but I think he was saying he wasn't going to do it because he couldn't he sent us the screen cap of him talking to that woman yeah but I think he was saying he wasn't gonna do it wait cause he couldn't

afford a condom she was like do you like condom or no condom he was like no condom what's a condom yeah he's like

I wanna feel it raw can I have sashimi style yeah no rice for him yeah which means Can I have sashimi style? Yeah, no rice for him. Yeah, which means whites only. They're made for each other. Yes, exactly.

Konnichiwa. Don't bow. I didn't. You didn't. There's no visuals here. We're not on mushrooms. So we have a really good crew. We got Max Ripple. We got Jeremy Peicher.

We got Mel, name redacted. And of course, Carlos Gutierrez. Becker. Yeah. Tell us a story. It's not fair. Yeah. What do you mean?

Don't put him on the spot. That's not his place. That's where don't put him on the spot that's not his that's not his place that's where he fits everybody well Mel fucking crushed it she came through she told us about you know

no that was weird you had a question that was a prompt I did have a prompt yeah um should we do like a audience update

no no you have fucking you have a concussion yeah i do you don't remember from crushing what just happened concussion you bomb iq people were looking at their watches so hard yeah because they were like i want to remember the time and date you would have thought it was new year's eve 11 49 because everybody was reborn staring at their watches no dude they were ashing into their wine glass and drinking it that's how bored they were those. Everybody was staring at their watches. No, dude. They were ashing into their wine glass and drinking it.

That's how bored they were. Those teens left. Well, you called them hot and bangable. And also I called that black guy. He wasn't a black guy. He ended up being like Pakistani or Malaysian. Oh, yeah, you called him brother. I didn't say, no.

You did a weird like. I did not. Breakdance move. You code switched, man. I did not. When I literally was talking to him, and I said, when you move to, someone got a scholarship. Yeah, which didn't make sense or did it? Everyone loved it.

You'd get it if you weren't stupid. That was watch checking time for sure. No, no. And then I looked at him. Oh, no. I have to go to Waffle House. I'm late. I work there.

You think he goes to Waffle House? You think he works at Waffle House? No, the people in the crowd were so uncomfortable. They had douche chills. Ew. Yeah, that was you. Where'd you read douche chills? It was in Arrested Development.

Ugh. Way to quote a TV show from when you were in college. No Phoenix, though, huh? Oh, yeah. We have to talk about Phoenix. Anyway, when I said brother to that guy, I realized it, and I was like, oh, crap. That you stepped in it? Because I call everyone brother.

What about, no, you don't. What's that, brother? What about Phoenix? I'm a Tucson guy. Guy at the coffee shop. Oh, Phoenix, your best friend. Not my best friend. You biffed it again.

No, I don't know. It would have been worse, him not showing up or him showing up. Him showing up would have rocked. We could have riffed on it. It would have been bad, I think. The show was good.

Jeremy did great. Jeremy did well. You did okay for you. Shut up. You're a nightmare. You filled your time. God. You filled your diaper.

I'm going to fill you. No. Yeah. We're all going to fill you. I'm going to hold you down. You talked about how deep your cheeks are you got real personal you did a deep dive on your own ass you're like nobody will find my asshole you said that

nobody will ever find my asshole it's down too deep you're talking about cores and crust and the mantle of your your body the fluid

oh the belly button body shot was funny yeah you get wasted guilty as large yeah you just tell a guy like Pikeshore yeah he's down here

he's sticking around cool and then another guy who's claimed to fame was that he knows Anthony Crawford from North Carolina from 94 or whatever. And then you're like, come to a set? What the fuck?

He does musical comedy. Okay, let me break it down. You were gone, not hanging out with me. You were wasted. You were hanging out with your best friend. You were day job. I was talking to him because he's a really cool local. I'm in Mutiny reading a book.

He's a cool guy. Might have heard of it. I know they don't have books on Facebook. I thought it was more of a random. So I'm sitting there reading. A guy comes in. Jake says, hello. He teaches like media.

Out in the theater maybe. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead, Becker. We'll tell the story. You're going to make it sound like I was like, this guy's got skills. Go ahead. And I was talking to him and I was like, oh, you came up the other night.

I told these guys about how you knew Crawford back in the day. And then Sam came over and talked to him. I did. I walked up and I said. And then you took it from there. Yes. Way to set me up with a fucking shitty plate of crap to eat. Yeah, where I don't force you into asking a stranger you just meant to do the show.

It's cool when you put the ball on the tee and the ball is one of my balls. And now I have to whack it off. You hit your own ball on the tee and the ball is one of my balls and now I have to whack it off you hit your own ball yeah I did on your forehead so when we're 69

I'm sucking you too so it's not bad it ends up being cool it ends up rocking we're both coming it rocks you're like you want a code switch?

And I'm like, brother, spit it in my mouth. It's mine. What? Keep going. Okay. Your best friend comes in. He's a teacher in DaVita. Branson.

Yeah, out the guy. So this guy comes in. His name is Phoenix. He's a teacher in Branson, Missouri. Branson, Missouri. He teaches English and music. Vaudeville. He's from North Carolina.

So he comes in, and you're like, good day. And he's like, hello. And then you're like, you talk shit on that black guy. And I was like, well, this is bad. I'm reading a novel over here and he's like yeah that guy got it coming and you were like yeah get his ass he told his story that you just told and i walked up and i said hello as an ally i don't think this is appropriate and then he apologized and i was like very. Would you like to come open our show? Come do our show.

I know Lund will hate it. Look, my friend Lund's not here. He's going to be pissed that anyone else is on the show besides two guys who look the same. Come forth. Yeah, I got it in there. Thank you. I started earlier in the day.

Correct. And then you're like, ooh, I've got to hold on to this gem. I did. I said, I'm Thanos. Gem humor. day and you're like oh I gotta hold on to this gem did I said I'm Thanos gem humor gem Polly Pocket anyway Polly Pocket you know what that is for people in a relationship come forth coming there's a joke there. Anyway. Don't write a joke now. Hold on, I need one. Polly Pocket.

Pocket Monster. Digital Monster. Pokemon. Yeah. Pokemon Mom. She's dead. So, good luck. How about me signing your book?

Good luck. Yeah, yeah, hold on. Let me. No, that was funny, but yeah, keep going. Make it longer. Adults are talking. Take a long way. So anyway, your friend, I invited him to come do comedy on the show.

Why? Because he said that... Because first of all, it was you and me on the show at that point. Yeah, killer show. No. It would have been good. I mean, again, by sure it makes sense. You crushed so hard, I can't follow makes sense another guy you haven't even seen

correct so I invited him and he was like it'd be an honor good sir and I was like cool bring your jembe he's a jembe comedian

didn't show up tonight got scared yep it sucked got numb feet couldn't leave the house you have numb feet yeah that's why I said it

so your story go uh what was it Got numb feet. Couldn't leave the house. You have numb feet. Yeah, that's why I said it. So, your story. Go. What was it? I don't know. Signing the book. Oh, yeah. Well, that was fun.

Tyler, one of the couple fans that was at the show tonight. Tyler and his wife is a nurse teacher. Yeah. And Pysher's going to live with them. Oh, shit. He said that outside. And she was like, we need to have a serious talk. She was like, we need to talk about something right now.

Pysher has a seizure. She can teach somebody how to save him. No. All seizure, no search. He's the opposite of New York police. He got a book from you at the South Club and he said, sign it too long. He said, I'm Nathan's

neighbor. And I said, Nathan Fielder. Which Nathan? Nathan Lane. Yeah. And he was like, your friend Nathan. And I was like, please, narrow it down. Then he said, grunt. And I said, oh, cool. And I signed like, please narrow it down. And then he said, grunt. And I said, oh, cool. And I signed it.

Nathan, I'm glad your dad is dead. Yes. Correct. And so I think I knew that, but it was like last year or whatever, so I forgot. So he has me sign it to you, and I opened it up, saw what you wrote, and I was like, ooh. And this was a couple days ago year anniversary of my dad's passing. Yeah, the happiest day of your life.

So I say, I came on the toilet. Or no, I had a wet dream. You had a wet dream about your dad dying in your mouth. No. God, awful. He dies and you're dead. Anyway, go on. Kim's gone.

He... It made me laugh and I was like, alright, I gotta come up with something. So I wrote, to Sam, my dad is banging your mom right now, wherever we go after this. Yes. And when I read it, I stained the pages with tears.

Because I was reminded of all the times I fucked your dad. How much I missed his holes. I put your mom in her high chair and she watched it. You're ageless. You're eternal. Yeah, hopefully Tyler likes it, I'm sure. tyler tyler tyler likes it i'm sure not not everybody would be stoked to have those two signatures and dedications in their novel from you but i think he likes it he does like it

he's the one he said uh he heard me do the big truck joke a few times yeah and he was like you know how you say you know that there's a missing kid i was like yeah he's like the kid should be dead and i was like i don't know how to do that, but I'll try. Yeah, that was troubling. Just funny. He's a nice guy. Yeah, he's funny. Yeah, he's, you know, big, tall guy.

Let's have, before we wrap it up, let's have everyone weigh in with their favorite memory from the weekend. All right? Carlos, your favorite memory. Come forth. My favorite memory? From the weekend, right carlos your favorite memory come forth my favorite from the weekend yes probably something i said my favorite memory is how you had nathan oh yeah i mounted you here yeah he was here because he's not white you forgot about him but yeah you were laying on your back because you ate all those patties and you were like food's good makes easy and good food

is easy to eat bad food it's harder but i do it yeah that's literally what you said literally it is i said it like that yeah you were like food good make easy after your fourth patty in eight minutes and you laid you were on your back because your belly hurt and i mounted you and i said this would what it would be like you had me i had you yeah and you were like pin my ankhies no you begged to be pinned put the heels by my lobes i said you said, you got it. You stretched me. I would have stretched you. I needed help. And I'm glad that you didn't.

I said something about 69. And I'm glad you didn't try to 69 me. Because I would have never gotten out. It wouldn't have been fun. I would have puked on your crotch. Yeah. If you would have laid. Reminds me of my honeymoon.

If you would have laid on me. Yeah. I would have been fucked. We would have gone side to side. We would have gone... Is that allowed? Oh, yeah. You never do that?

No, I always do me on the bottom, obviously. Oh, no, dude. Side by side's the best. I don't think that's allowed. Because then you get to lay like this with your head on your hand. I think a woman that was with Sam pitched it. Like, what if we... Yeah, what if I don't have to touch any part of you except for your little wiener?

You think I'm on top when I'm 69? I don't know. I'm fucking on my back graveyard style. No, no, no. I would have flipped Lund. I would have given him the old waffle maker. I could have Lund anywhere I wanted him. Okay. Mel, go.

Favorite memory other than the symbols talk. Yeah, no symbolism. That doesn't count. It's already on the pod. Okay. Mel, go. Favorite memory other than the symbols talk. Yeah, no symbolism. That doesn't count. It's already on the pod. We need a fresh mem. You have to say it here, though. Don't touch it.

Don't help her. Pass to Pysher. Mel passes. Jeremy, Pygmalion, Pysher. Slightly changing your parlay. So I hit because Joe Burrow only ran 7.5 yards and not 8.5 yards for you. Joe Burrow didn't hit 7.5.

He hit 5. Because they took the fucking lay down right before they kicked the field goal. And then I hit a plus 2400 and you hit what? Bengals plus 136? Peischer, update. You suck. Moving on. I want $50.

Oh, I want $50. Yeah. Shut up. Shut up for once in your fucking life. Your dad was a prison guard. You're a carny who guessed birthdays. What? You don't know about this?

No, because you're too busy fucking outing him i didn't tell you those were all jokes those were all jokes hi sure come tell us about your carny time right now no tomorrow on the ride home okay stand up if your back still works save it for the car god uh yeah can you please stand up come on pretend you're interning for lund okay uh yeah i used to work in an amusement park and i worked in the games department starting from when i was 16 until i was 22 and i worked at the guessing game for a lot of those years let's's say I walk up. What do you say? Check it out. Try it out. Come see what the Guessing Game is all about.

Age, weight, or birthday. If I'm wrong, you can get any prize you want. It's only $3 to play, $3 to win. Walk it on over. Walk it on in. Who's next? Who's ready? Me and my husband would like to go next.

Yeah, all right. My name is Christina, and this is my husband, girl. Alonzo. Alonzo. husband, girl. Alonzo. Alonzo! Hi, Christina and Alonzo. Hello. Alright, do you want to do your age, weight, or birthday? Can you guess my weight?

Sorry, man, the scale only goes to 300 pounds, and... My God. My God. Damn. I just came from the hospital. This is not a hat that I want to wear. I'm permission. And I just came here. I said, Alonzo, bring me forth.

Let me come forth to a fun afternoon of mirth and merriment. I've never been at this weight. I weigh 95 pounds. This bone marrow isn't even mine. It's loaned to me from the hospital. So age? Guess my birthday. Alright, so the way we do it is I guess I get within two months of your birthday. I have two months left. What a carny trick. You get two months either way? Come on.

Alonzo, chill out. It's okay. This is bullshit. It's okay, Alonzo. I get five months, you get seven months. I wish I had seven months. My doctor gave me 52 days. I'm taking the under on that one.

My God. Who forgot me? He forgot me. My creator said, no more of you. You're relegated. How much do you think Sam weighs? My name's not Sam. I transitioned, and now I go by the name I said earlier.

Christine. Yes, I'm right here. Yes. Okay, how about you guess my age? 17. Wow. He's good. I saw through this.

He got me. Yep. Alonzo, as your child bride, it's been an honor to serve. It's been an honor to serve it's been an honor to serve your rod but now I have to go to the grave I'll get the Oreos we'll cover you in dirt

and I'll eat it all and scene so yeah Pycher did that forever yeah I can't believe he didn't go pro Max you've had a lot of time And scene. So yeah, Peischer did that forever. Yeah, I can't believe he didn't go pro. Max, you've had a lot of time. I'm ending this or else it never will. We've got a great crew. Max, what do you think? Wingpit?

Sam making me drink the 40 last night was fun. Riding in Becker's cool car was fun. Yeah. It was a whole good time. Was the 40 in the car? No, no, no. That'd be crazy. Last night we went to that liquor store where you go and look at the window and lick the glass

and we were in there and I was checking out and I said, hey Pysher, get the funniest 40 they have. And he came up with a Mickey's and we both had like a conversation where he was like

this is the funniest one but it's kind of hacky and I was like yeah it's like the first draft of the like the writing room but like

what else did they have and they didn't have like Hurricane or Say No or anything cool so like we like we're in line

like I mean it's not that funny, but it's technically funny, so let's get it for him. And then we got it out to Max, and he went... Can I have you? And we're like, yeah, chill.

I did an Edward Forty hands with my buddy Evan years ago with Mickey's Forties, and it was so easy. I just blasted him. And he was struggling, got all drunk, and wanted to fight me but he

couldn't because his hands were all taped up because i like lapped him like he was like he was like taking too long so they got warm and i was like dude you have to chug them because then they're cold and it's not as gross so i'm like done and hands off and then he's like trying to fucking take me out it was hilarious he. Should have bought a few years. He could have done some damage, but he was so stupid. Danny Maupin told me that when he goes home for Thanksgiving, I told them this last night,

when he goes home for Thanksgiving, he's like, yeah, me and all my cousins, we play Edward Forty Hands. It's a good old time. You know, I always win. And I was like,

dude, you're like 40. And he's like, I'm still the only one who plays. I'm the only one who plays now. They just go out to the garage every 20 minutes and check on him. And he's like, I'm still rocking and rolling. They're warm, but I like them that way.

They go down smooth. I want to fight grandma. Lund, where are you going to be? We've got dates that you shared with me. uh my wife's calling i don't know them let her leave her on red this is bad no she's fine oh my god just call her in a sec we don't need somebody else on the pod we've got a great crew though right yeah we don't need another person to add to this crew we've got dates we're going to Emmy

you're live on the pod oh boy speak up I have my mouth guard in yeah don't tell me when you have it hold on hi okay bye yeah she hates it yeah don't tell me when you have them hi

uh goodbye alright yeah she hates it yeah you always make the wrong decision yeah

being your friend come down here ask a rando to do the show yeah ask everyone to sit in on the pond

man you are 0 for 9 that's my favorite memory is you whiffing constantly. I buried you from the back. Crypto. Down.

Dude, I'm having a bad time. I'm out like a bunch. My wife doesn't want to talk to me on my podcast. She never does, but you always try to make her. I like to make her do a lot of stuff she doesn't want to do.

What? No. Okay. Very funny, Lund. I like to make her do a lot of stuff she doesn't want to do What? No Very funny Lund Becker favorite memory You eating that burger and fries in 17 minutes Yeah baby Oh yeah Bobby said he wants to know what happened But he doesn't want to pay for the Patreon

I ate the burger in 17 Instead of 25 Becker behind Tongue hanging out like a sick dog me killing crushing the table of 14 people next to us gave

it up for me clapped as if I was a war hero dude those two down syndrome kids looking at you eat that burger with their mouths open tongue out jaw dropped just like were you just staring at them? Yeah. It was crazy.

Just leave them be. I didn't say anything to them. Let them live. I didn't put a finger in their mouth. Just keep wrecking them. But they were watching you and it was like, this is... There goes my hero.

That was them. All right, all this dates now. Coming up, you can see me in Chicago. February 16th, City Winery. The 17th, I'll be in Rock Island at some kind of brewery. Bloomington, Illinois at the Night Shop. The 19th, I'm in the Jukebox Comedy Club. The 20th of February, opening for Ari Shaffir, Downtown Comedy Works.

Warren Station for the arts still in Colorado February 25th somewhere in Winter Park the 26th and then me and Lund got a lot of

fun dates coming up you can find them at samtalent.com Lund can't afford a website

I have a tumblr you have a tumblr yeah rock tumblr I think the last post I

made was what