Chubby Behemoth - Call Me Marn

Episode Date: August 14, 2021

Judgement Foot. 7 & 5/8ths. Chili Hats Back.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Samtallent.com for the secret...

I'm in Emily's grandmother Marion's basement. It looks like the dad from the Brady Bunch's office. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Damn. Nailed it. Good work, Becker. That movie was awesome.

I got horny to that movie. Remember that? Yeah, the movie was way hornier than the show. Oh, yeah. Ben Stiller's wife was just shoving him around. Yeah. Also, just so much sex in that. Like, just the burning sexuality of those kids living together.

I think it must have been, like, the 90s, all the true stories about Greg fucking the mom and the kids having interpersonal relationships. Yeah, he was fucking the mom during the show. Yes, I knew Greg was the coolest one. And they were public about it on the show, on set.

They didn't give a fuck who knew. What was her name? Vera Wang? Flo Henderson? Flo Henderson, close. Florence Henderson Vera Wang is a hilarious name for like a Japanese cat is this a pig?

no clean it up the dad on the Brady Bunch was gay no way for his son? he was suicidal about it. Did he die of AIDS? I think he did. Yep.

Did he ever hook up with any of the boys? I don't think so. Because that would have been a bummer if they got the germ. He spread it. What was his name? Vera Wang? That was his drag name. It is...

I don't think I'm going to be able to pull it out because it's Mike Brady. Those movies were so funny. I know it was back in the good old days of funny movies. Movies didn't have to have a message. You're young enough that you just referenced the movie the whole time. Man, best movie ever. Just a standalone

film. It would be cool if they made a show out of it. I feel like the show would have had legs. Give me more of this story. Yeah, this is great. It's an episodic kind of an idea. I guess step by step they kind of based it off step by step

right yeah uh speaking of boners man holy cow also step by step was a horny show that kickboxer kid and suzanne summers bouncing around yeah what was his cody said he was in the van oh his name was his real name was sasha i think yes i was like oh sasha vero wang sasha baron wang sasha bearing wang check this out sasha ethan cohen that's why he was so good at kickboxing because he had a third leg i was like oh his name's sasha so it's okay to beat off to him as a straight dude as a straight kid. Yeah, I like to envision him banging Topanga. Didn't he end up being an actual pervert?

I mean, probably. He was a sitcom star. Yeah, but I think he was the one on that cast that got outed in the last few years as being very, very problematic with the younger girls on the cast. Oh, those poor kids. They get turned out and then everyone wants to be

mad at them it's not fair uh i didn't know i don't know if that's true yeah i'm sure patrick duffy took him between the trailers and gave him the court of development treatment not him uh the stoner in the van out back no i know i'm saying that's what happened is hurt people hurt people i think he he got duff man Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, no. Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem and it's towards the van. It's institutionalized pedophilia. Oh, no. Speaking of which, how about Horatio Sands?

What about him? Speaking of which, how about Horatio Sanz? What about him? A story came out today that he, because, you know, we always do celebrity hot goss of the day. Can you do a blind item? TMD, TMDDs over here. No, Horatio Sanz got accused of inviting this, like, 15-year-old that had an SNL, like, fan site in 2000. He brought her around to parties and

had her meet people, but then he was also getting her drunk and feeling her up. I think when she was 17, he touched her, penetrated her, he assaulted her. He's in trouble. He wooed her for

two and a half years then he doesn't get a taste you put in the work come on jesus christ i mean don't make me don't make me say these things what happened to courtship people say they want gentlemen to come back they say chivalry's dead oh god him and jeff ross just roaming the streets in 2000 in new York. God, imagine getting fingered by Jeff Ross and Fat Horatio Sands. Yuck. I'm sorry. He never diddled the kids. He beat his wife. Oh, thank God.

Kickboxer style. He was in a kickboxer movie. Are you talking about Horatio Sands or Cody from Step by Step? Cody from Step by Step. Sasha. Thank you for indemnifying sasha sasha wayans

uh so yeah you're in michigan where you're in michigan that's where i am i mean you're in michigan you're in his stained blanket michigan yeah am. I mean, you're in Michigan. Pistained blanket Michigan. Yeah, I'm drinking sugar-free Vernors over here. Grandma's got sugar-free taffy upstairs. I'm going off, Kings. You're allowed. What's that? You broke up. You're allowed.

So, is lunch breaking up for you too, Becker? Just me? I think you're the one with the bad connection yeah i assume i have the bad connection i have a coal-powered modem grandma has dial up yeah you gotta plug in yeah this is run by their fucking it's just a bunch of old scottish ghosts down here singing songs into the modem michigan was like do you want water roads or internet and they were like no thanks we'll figure it out no taxes this is the this is the cool grandma who's fiery and uh one time out of nowhere she was just talking and she was like when i was a wee lass they called me

marn and she screamed it and i lost my mind laughing and no one else thought it was funny. So shout out, Marn. She's upstairs. Remember that movie with. What was that movie that was about North Korea? Where Seth Rogen goes to North Korea. The interview. Yeah. So we went and saw the interview.

Me, Hannah, Emily and Dan,'s dad, on Christmas one year. And Maren refused to go because a Korean guy shot her husband during the war. So she was like, I will never entertain Korean humor. And she stayed home for the Christmas movie. Good call. It wasn't very fun. Yeah, but it was two and a half hours long thank god katie perry that's on fireworks god she has them breaking news everyone katie perry has them she's

jugged up put it down in the record books yeah put her on the put her in the slappers pile everyone it's official i verify it now becker is in silent mode because he has what i assume to be his uncle or vice principal watching over his shoulder his intern he's teaching him all right now having them is when somebody has cool tits. Jugged up also means having them. Yeah. Slappers. That's a woman who has them. That's the state of having them.

He's got a mute because otherwise we can hear ourselves. Oh, I see. So we're entertaining Becker's friend. I like that. We'll be in the echo chamber. That's what we're all in, man. We're just listening to the same political ideas. I thought we were going to record last night, so I told my friend this would be a good time to come down.

And then we changed our plan. You thought we were going to record last night on the night that Lun said he could not record? No, I thought last night was the first night he could. No, today. Yeah, I'm just really high. I've been smoking weed with him since like 11 a.m. I thought we night was the first night he could. No, today. Yeah, I'm just really high. I've been smoking weed with him since like 11 a.m. I thought we were going to get it done when he got back in earlier today.

Who is this guy? Your dad's friend, Jerry? No, he's my buddy, Mike. Oh, Mike, what's up, brother? I can't hear a fucking thing. Yeah. He listens. Okay, that's for the best.

He can't hear right now, though, because I'm talking to you. I see. Otherwise, it sounds like I'm an idiot calling into a radio station. Does Mike like when someone has them? Can you ask him that? Turn it off. Do you like when someone has them? Has what?

Has them. I thought he listened. Of course. Of course. All right. So Mike checks out. I mean, we've been going hard. We've been getting each other hard, is what you say.

I'm just saying, like, if either one of you was smoking pot with us today, you'd already be asleep on my couch in a fetal position just drooling. Yeah, I would have had a panic attack at 3.30. Cool, Becker. Way to be a good host. Not a panic attack. Oh, this is what we do. We went to Spain once just to smoke weed.

All right, Becker. We're on silent again. We're cutting out, Mike. I feel bad. It is a closed mic. I can't hear us anymore. Jesus. They're smoking Run the Jewels weed. They have weed now.

Oh, cool. You should get some. Yeah, I'll think about it. I'll probably get it. You know what i'll probably get is uh lupus fat boys weed i couldn't think of a black guy and a white guy that teamed up so i want the fat boys i'm gonna have fat boys we oh what about uh house of pain they're all white dudes were they yeah no not a not a black guy amongst them. Oh, but they're from Boston.

That doesn't make any sense. Robert Parrish didn't jump on the track? Bringing it. Yeah, Dana Barrows was on one track, but he wasn't in House of Pain. Dana Barrows. Light-skinned Dana Barrows. What a fucking deep cut. Dana Barrows. Yeah, dude well that's what you think of

in celtics history it's parish barrows mikhail bird dana barrows had like the quickest i think he had the quickest buzzer like the buzzer beater with the least amount of time left it was like 0.2 seconds and he blasted it he got it dana barows man that's really cracking me up can you think of him that's how little basketball knowledge you have that Dana Barrows is your go-to black Celtic that's not little basketball knowledge it's vast but it's only from like 90 to 99 yeah no it's is my knowledge. It's from six weeks in Celtics history. I don't think Barros was a dominant force on the team.

All right. Pound your diet, Vernors. I'm sure it tastes awful. Oh, it tastes terrible. It tastes like they wrung out Susu's diaper and now it's slurping. Oh, hey, look. I can have a delicious soda that is only tasty

because of sugar but it's a sugar-free version so it's real waste of time yeah i mean it literally tastes like you know shoe polish smells oh yeah you ever whiffed polish yeah for sure trying to catch a quick buzz down to the old shoeshine stand, cutting it up with Dana Barrows' dad. Before weed was legal, yeah. Shoe polish was everywhere. And I don't know if you've got regular burners, but it's fucking lit. Yeah, it's great. Cream soda, ginger ale.

Burners, you crack the top and just huff those fumes, they'll burn your nose hairs out, man. They're serious. But yeah, the sugar-free, some weird chemical will turn your asshole inside out. Yeah, my tongue is translucent now. Barks is pretty good sugar-free, I think. It has bite. But I don't care about sugar-free.

I'm not like, oh, I can have it all. I'm just, I ate some meat, so we're on gout watch. We're on gout watch. Hopefully I gout watch hopefully i'll be all right okay so tell us about it uh megan and i went to santa rosa new mexico we were trying to go to this place the blue hole which is a natural spring like a pool of yeah the water you can jump in have you been there yeah of course it's awesome there's that big blue whale right by it. Damn. Well, we didn't get to go because there was a gout watch. There was also a flash flood watch

that turned into a warning. Is that because Creech watched you eat meat and she wet her panties? She got hosed. Hosed up. She saw you eat three prime ribs and she was like, oh, that's the man I'm dating. That's a real man.

That's him. Oh, yeah. It rained the whole fucking time. So we couldn't go to the Blue Hole. But I was like, all right, I'm having meat. And we had a Mexican place across the street from us. It was great. You know, it's good because a nine-year-old was working.

She was like waiting tables when I went in to pick up food. And I was like, oh, this this is gonna rule and uh it was great had some uh steak fries you know carne they had carne asada fries those were really good and then I had some chicken wings for some reason and a couple tamales oh I wanted to get a milanesa I wanted to get a torta you know those breaded steak uh milanesa tortas those are the shit but oh i know what we're talking about the nine-year-old didn't for song great the nine-year-old didn't know what i was talking about she's like we don't have those and i was like all right on on your menu online you have them and she was like i don't

have them i'm nine and i was like no talking about tortas damn it she's like i can't check our online menu safe search is hot like let me talk to your manager a 12 year old comes over what he slaps her around a little bit her around a little bit. Cody style. I think he was an American kickboxer. Yeah, he was. He was kickboxer. The movie Kickboxer. He was in him. Or Kickboxer 2.

Yeah, Judgment Foot. Without Jean-Claude. Yeah. That's right. Becker can't laugh because his friend can't hear, but he's really cracking up we're watching him crack up he's giving the thumbs up half his body's doing the worm the other half is sagging oh he's broken out oh listen to this yeah we got it we got picked up at the airport

today flew to detroit hannah picked this up emily's beautiful sister and mother of Susu who rocks. And Emily sits by Susu in the backseat and she's like, hey, Susu. Hey, it's me, your auntie. And she goes to give her a kiss and she's like, oh my God, why does she smell like Korean barbecue? Susu reeked like Mongolian beef. Head to toe, she just smelt like your hands after you worked the grill at daigi it was nuts and she doesn't eat meat the baby doesn't eat meat but she just smelt like teriyaki sauce hardcore why uh why doesn't she eat meat the dad no because a hand a hand is a vegan oh all right yeah the dad doesn't fucking give a shit i'm the dad dude oh no i'm uncle sam now well yeah she reeks like beef uh and i sang this

little song for her and everyone got mad at me so this was the song my niece as cute as can be your niece got the hiv what the fuck yeah it's so weird that they hated it it's a parody of my dick but about a beautiful little niece i thought it would hit i thought of it on the plane and I was like all right cool I got my opener uh I just kind of figured out a local reference and then I'll close strong but it did not hit everyone was mad yeah I believe it that's too much for the early crowd yeah dude it was not good for the six o'clock show. Marnie, no laugh from Marnie? Well, no, because she

didn't hear it. So she was like, what? And Emily tried to explain it to her. And I was like, no need to explain. Don't have to repeat it. It was kind of a one show only type thing. One and done. Uh-huh.

That was the worst bomb that I've had though as an uncle so far uh how long are you out there i'm out here until friday and then on friday we're going up to a camp to sebo emily's entire her mom's side of the family 35 deep takes over an abandoned summer camp. So it'll be fun. A lot of cornhole, a lot of boating adventures, a lot of sneaking away to bum cigarettes off Uncle Jeff and then going to the lake. Yeah. That sounds great.

Yeah. Except it'll be humid. Oh, it's going to be bad, dude. The bugs. The bugs. Yeah, I'm going gonna get eaten alive if i don't leave here with yellow fever i'm not gonna finish that joke but you know it's right there i keep forgetting this is not a page so oh yeah we're at home do your own stuff we're over we're over over 100 episodes becker said with the Patreon and this, we're at 102.

That's how I know you're like five years older than me is you're always telling them how many episodes we have. Every fucking episode we do, you're like, yep, yeah, this is about 95 episodes in. You're like my grandpa telling me how many times he's had his oil changed in the last year. Yeah, why would you keep track of any details when you can just skate on through life and then claim that you didn't know any better when your fucking lackadaisical lifestyle catches up to you you're like oh god i can't believe

susu's six i haven't been keeping track what are you insane mark the passage of time no way dude time's an illusion love dream i'm living in the moment which means that i don't have to fucking follow through on shit uh i follow through man you should see my fucking jump shot i'm swish city i'm the set shot assassin from 20 feet you're like dana barrows out there yeah i am dude forgotten in his time only remembered by you uh so yeah oh speaking of boating did you i don't know if you saw i went out to santa rosa lake with uh megan and the dogs because we couldn't do the blue hole it was dogs is the name of their band if you're a new listener lund's band yeah go back to episode 29 we talk about our couple of eps that are out on fat records

my favorite was ep phone home uh so we went out to this lake and nobody was there because of the flash flood watch so i didn't have to go up against i didn't have to see anybody fishing with their fucking death i didn't have to thank god i didn't have to see anybody fishing with their fucking death. I didn't have to. Oh, thank God. I didn't have to pretend to care that somebody else wanted to go to a body of water. And there was a big sign there about how you're supposed to wear a life vest. And it had a picture of an old man wearing a life jacket in the water. And then his like seven-year-old grandson, like getting him back in the boat. And it was all fucking dumb looking.

And it said, if life jackets are worn, nobody mourns. And I was like, why do, why do the warnings always have to kind of rhyme? They're always like, Oh yeah,

let's do, let's do a rhyme so that people remember that being safe is a good idea. You know? It was fucking very funny to run into that. My grandpa, safe in the boat. Your grandpa molested my scrote. Yeah, well, I just wanted, this is like the first time I felt like doing this terrible thing. But if people want to know why it's so funny to us that Nathan hates fishing, you should check out our Patreon.

Yes. Good call, Becker. Because that's where the history of his hatred with fishermen and fishing families is based out of. Lund hates when little boys spend time with their father or uncle or grandpa. Yeah, that family reunion is uh just a curse you're gonna ruin some other couple's trip because there's gonna be 40 of you that won't shut the hell up and uh so yeah i feel for whoever's near you camping trying to have a nice time i just don't like i don't like when people get dragged along when the whole family has to go

do something that only the dad wants to do. And it's cause it's like cheaper than going to dis like every, they want to go to Disney world. They want to go to a fucking movie. And dad's like, no, we have to go to nature. We have to go where I was molested as a kid.

And I'm going to be an asshole the whole weekend. Cause I can't smoke. Mom said, mom said I have to either drink or smoke and I have to fucking drink. So I can't smoke mom said mom said i have to either drink or smoke and i have to fucking drink so i can't smoke i'll get sick if i don't drink marcia that's what you're gonna be around as much as sugar-free sodas and then some pissed off dad they can't smoke just screaming at his kids get in the fucking tent there's no tents man oh you're just going for the day no we're spending the night but it's a it's an old uh summer camp so it's a bunch of

cabins and shit like that oh bunk beds yeah bunk beds i'm sleeping on the bottom bunk because heat rises i mean can be on top fucking sweating like a euro fuck that i'm not getting on the spit dude well there's if you're just opening windows then everybody's gonna be hot and sticky no because at night it gets 50 in the day it gets 75 so at night it's perfect is that is it far north yeah we're going up north that's what they call it in michigan if you leave detroit you're effectively going north that's what they say we're going up north well i just remember that like when i was a kid in chicago the chicago chicago the the humidity doesn't fucking go down it could be fucking 80 degrees 100 humidity then at night it's 70 degrees

100 humidity so you're just sticking to your sheets you can't even jack off well i'm gonna be sticking to my sheets because i'm jacking off you're not gonna be able to jack off because the mosquitoes are gonna get down there first and you're gonna swat your own dick you're gonna catch your ball maybe i'll finally come uh so yeah i don't know if you're opening a window i guess if you're far enough north maybe it's the humidity is not as bad you know i don't know i got 15 percocet in six days that's uh i'm gonna be nice and loose up there man i'm pulling a becker you're gonna fall into the water don't fall into the fire holy shit cam's uh i will not fly i will not fall into the fire i promise cam's bachelor party michelle was like please just take care of him and we were like we will and then cam

gets all fucked up all day doesn't eat because you know he's one of those guys that doesn't need to eat to have a good time he was just like smoking cigs and doing doing drugs and drinking never seen him eat i was in his wedding i've never seen him eat a bite of food he doesn't eat um too busy telling stories so what you can't eat and uh spin a yarn at the same time finding a reason to cheers another shot of whiskey oh well look that's a pretty big pretty big grass hopper over there cheers where's the bottle yeah so like the month it's good luck good that's a good date yeah so when it was getting not late late but it had it was getting dark or it was dark so it was like a day of not eating he fucking like semi passed out or whatever

on his way to go get another beer and banged his head on the side of the fire like there was a metal rim around the where you put the fire. Oh, no. Well, fire pit. Yeah. And luckily he was OK, but it sucked. It was like the one thing we were supposed to do is make sure he was OK and then just bonks his fucking head. Fire pits, what I call my butthole after I eat too many jalapenos. Now, that's not a joke you should do in the grandma's basement.

We we joke alert. Yeah. And Joke alert. Yeah. Zinger alert. So yeah, have fun out there. Well, you know what the situation is up here at this? It's once the kids go to bed, it's a bunch of like dads who don't really get it cut loose anymore. And they've like been secretly drinking Amstel lights all day.

But as soon as their kids are asleep it's like they're getting fucked up and they break out the crown yeah they break out the crown they break out the uh the tuaca i think there was a bottle of cracking going around a couple years ago spiced rum yeah exactly dude it's like yeah they got soco you know for the real g's and then it's me a crafty veteran of uh of debauchery and i'm just like you know nursing a nurse and nursing my 15th miller light for the day and uh and then like slow and low slow and low let myself go then one of them will start crying by the campfire just to himself like just loud enough that we can hear it over the crapping of

the flames you know it's like gentle sobbing from greg as he thinks about what his wife thinks of him nobody asked him to talk about it yeah no one asked everyone's like hey the lion's got a shop this year i got too bad we got rid of stafford but i think this new kid's got a great arm on him that's what happens oh hell yeah that sounds fun so i was gonna figure out who has weed i'm a weed guy again oh you're loving it no i've smoked that one time i told you and you loved it yeah i loved it so much i loved it so much i forget how much i love my old friend stinky well yeah like you said when you don't uh oh i don't know if you've started getting those uh panic attacks after you had been going strong or if you took a break because if i never took a break once in my tenure as a weed head well yeah that's what's

that's what messed with me was uh just like falling out of the habit and then trying to smoke like you used to and then just get way too high and you're like jesus christ this is the worst i'm 16 again this is all i'm gonna start smoking weed only when the song breaking the habit by lincoln park comes on. In your honor. Nice. Yeah, so I don't know, dude. I think I'm going to try and get a little baked up there, get a little smoky. Well, it'll probably be like shit weed if some dad got it. It'll probably be Aunt Denise.

She's always got a bag. So you probably won't have to go slow and low. You can blast it. i'll blast i mean i don't know dude it's it's just like my brain got out of jail that one night and it was out fucking raising hell you know god i can't wait to get high again uh oh god whoa tim allen Oh, God. Whoa, Tim Allen. Next time I see you, I'll get you fucked up. Oh, cool.

Am I high right now? What was that? Yeah. Oh, no, there's a gas leak in the basement. I'm coming. She's a ghost. I've got some nice sativa dominant weed that you should like and it shouldn't freak you out. I will not be smoking

any sativa ever again. What are you talking about? No, it's dominant. It won't make you sleepy and it also won't make you hyper. I want to get sleepy. Then I got you. We'll do dabs of indica. I'm not doing any dabs,

Becker. What's the matter with you? You can do a tiny, tiny dab. You don't have to do globbers like we always used to do. You can do a tiny baby hit. You can't. I can take a whisper off the joint. I can be like, hey, how you doing? It's me, Sam. And then I'll hold it

in really deep like it's 1975 and i'm about to go see kiss uh yeah and then i'll sit there for a while and be like all right it's gonna happen i'm gonna freak out and i don't freak out and i'll take another hit it'll be good i'm not taking any dabs i'm not coming out of retirement i'm gonna go hit against clemens i thought you were yeah i thought you're pulling a jordan in washington i thought you're trying to go all the way no dude no dude. No. I'm very afraid of what this substance does to me. I know it's just what gets you through the night.

Alright, but I have a different relationship with this. I call it sensimilia, you know? Sensimilia? Sensimilia. You eat quesadillas while you call it sensimilia? Wow, someone's never heard of the band sublime

i know that brad's i know that brad said it wrong too but that doesn't make it right so you're here trying to teach me how to smoke weed you don't even know how to call it by its latin name sensimia yeah sensimilia is what we call it. In the underground. Alright. You've gone commercial. That's me, man. I'm the weed sellout. Smoking that cookies weed. You're smoking a joint right now that's as big as

my niece's femur. It's good dope, too. Yeah, they just smoked one before that, too. I'm getting just smoked one before that, too. I'm getting freaked out just thinking about it. Smoking that much weed B2B. It's pretty great. What?

There we go. You guys, that was almost in harmony. Yeah. Call me Bone Thug. F femur bone and harmony little baby bone baby bone are we talking about my ween no it's there to bring back susu's femur

I know I feel like I have to whisper down here no you better not you gotta bring it oh shit it's emmy she's gonna tell you to shut up fuck do i have to shut up have i been swearing too loud okay because we've been saying it hey emmy do you want to say hi to them hi guys hi in your ear emmy got a little cowboy hat as well hi we each have cowboy hats now. I saw that picture of you.

My grandma gave me her cowboy hat that's the cutest thing. It's like really small and it has purple around the rim. She bought it at our wedding in Colorado when she went to the Rodeo. That's what she said. Story alert. Give me a kiss i'm kidding and that's the little thing we do when we have great guest songs we say story alert hey where am i sleeping i mean in the car damn i just bombed again crap yeah you're over three yeah shit you put the cowboy hat on and tried to get a laugh and she was like that was a sentimental present on your wedding day yeah exactly um no so i bought a

cowboy hat everyone i want everyone to know there's been some photos surfaced of me in a cowboy hat i went cowboy hat shopping uh i looked all around i thought i was a size eight i'm not a size eight i'm a size seven and five eights so i uh i bought the george straight signature series resist all brand hat and now it's a whole new world for sam t you thought it was unbearable before you thought i had too much confidence before i wore it at an airport and on a plane oh god yeah i cruised right through clear with my resist all on just tipping it to people winking wearing a cowboy hat gives you just full and you can wink at whoever you want wait but where'd you buy it dia no i bought it at boot barn for your trip to michigan no i have to go to a wedding this following weekend a week from today we're flying to deadwood south dakota to go

to a cowboy wedding who's getting married uh one of emily's co-workers no one you know. It's a doctor. It's not a turd collector. Oh, yeah. I'm really excited to spend Emily's birthday with two doctors and their fucking husbands. Oh, they're cool. Yeah, right. I'm pushing them out of the boat. So have you decided if you're going to be tripping? Are you captain or are you mushroom guy? I think I think those boats have to come with a captain so I think I can trip yeah but we're gonna have you be the captain we're gonna tell everyone that you're the captain then you're gonna be tripping I'm gonna break that slide you know dude you don't think dude there's supposed to be 20 of us on the boat we're only bringing 15 because it's so many wide-bodied pant loads I don't think it's 15 or I think the max is supposed to be 15 well I mean Sarah B was like look we can't have the max because think of all the strange proportions on there it's think it's 15. Or I think the max is supposed to be 15. Well, I mean, Sarah B. was like, look, we can't have the max

because think of all the strange proportions on there. It's me, it's you, it's Bori, it's Sarah B., both of her friends. The left one and the right one. We should get her on here to talk about what it's like to have them. She'll float. Oh, yeah, they all float up there. oh yeah they all float up there well yeah I think when I looked up

the boat I think it said it was like 15 and a captain so if we have 15 and it's the crew that we have we're gonna have to listen to that captain we're not gonna be able to like ignore him and crank up the fucking G unit because we're gonna float it's our screw our crew is not a skeleton crew somebody

somebody somebody out of that crew doesn't know how to swim i think bory does i'm guessing uh sarah b probably has a swam but somebody's not gonna like remember they're gonna get too fucked up they're not gonna remember how to keep themselves alive they're like wait does my head go above or below the water yeah their reptile brain's gonna turn on their amphibian brain's gonna die off it's gonna be rough i'm gonna be playing gator meanwhile i'm gonna be goosing everyone who gets in the water with me uh this is what's gonna happen if here we go if there's if there's 30 people at your house saturday then you and or emily or whoever is gonna spill the beans

about the boat and all of a sudden there's gonna be like 40 people that are gonna want to be on the boat yeah but we're not gonna let them there's a cast system everyone knows that there's like the hey come to the party crew and then there's like the real deal familia you know you know who's you know who's gonna die on the boat is uh emily david's uh lady oh she's not coming yes she is no she's not i'll bet she comes i don't she's not. I'll bet she comes. I don't know if she's ever come. She's with David. She's going to forget how to swim. She almost drowned one time.

Did I tell you guys that story? No. Oh, man. Oh, this is... I shouldn't. I'm not going to tell this story. All right. Good.

Sounds good. You're giggling already. Well, yeah, but it's not in the spirit of the pod. We're about having fun and being nice to people on this pod, you know? Yeah, sometimes. I don't know. I'm glad Emily and David have found each other. And I'm really sorry to both.

All right. I don't know I'm glad Emily and David have found each other and I'm rooting for them both alright that slide's gonna get torn off the goddamn frame of the boat dude they're gonna have to find that thing on the bottom of the lake Becker who is that poster of in the background that looks like me is it Sean Patton who is that

no it's Nick Thune it's Nick Thune. It's Nick Thune. Sam got it. It's Nick Thune before he got skinny and hot. So yeah, it looks kind of like you. It's Nick Thune before he got heavy. He never got that heavy. I know, but I mean, before he got

back into good shape, and I think better shape than he was before but. So you're saying that's the grossest he's ever been in that artist rendering and that's why Lund thought it was him. No this was this was him when he was like doing pretty good when he like just first had the baby. Yeah and then things took a turn. Yeah the beard got longer the belly got a little rounder. But now he's dating Lake Bell. Yeah, good for him. Which is what I'm going to ring whenever I dunk anyone

at Emily's birthday party. I can't wait to be dunking people, pulling people's bikinis off. It's going to be crazy. Yeah, well, in a cowboy hat, you can get away with that stuff. Oh, yeah, I'm going to be stripping people. Dumping them out. Yeah. Horatio Sandstone. You get on the boat, you consent to getting dumped. with that stuff oh yeah i'm gonna be stripping people dumping them out yeah

horatio on the boat you consent to getting dumped that's just like an unspoken thing if you dare step foot on the boat you might have your ween exposed you might have your honkers out it's like country music video yeah exactly way down yonder in the chattahoochee sam t stripped me nude i think i'm seven and five ace hat size too when you're hard like a baseball hat uh no it's i mean i don't know seven and five aces i think uh you know a hat size yeah it is a hat size i thought i was an eight but i put an eight on and it was like jesus how many heads are gonna go in this thing i do i'm really excited about the hat that i bought though because it's like scotch guarded so i can definitely eat chili out of it whoa i want to pull

that move when i'm at like uh some kind of party and i just want to pull up and take my hat off and there's like a bag of chili in there and I open it and I get a spoon and I just start punching. I think that's a cool cowboy move. Becker's going to puke. Yeah, we're killing Becker. I mean, I wish Becker's laugh track was on this because I keep thinking I'm bombing, but then I see him

and his face is purple. No, don't do it. Stay muted. Yeah, stay muted and Just keep emoting. We know what you sound like right now. I was like... You're a freak on a leash right now.

I ate probably half a lamb for dinner. Yeah, I committed the ultimate sin against jesus our lord and savior i munched him i snacked on christ lamb of god with some crackers and wine yeah i ate half a lamb of god lp uh no dude yeah we went to got uh we got the middle eastern food we always get whenever we arrive and emily quit keto, by the way. Last night she gave in, ate a bag of fries from Five Guys. She's never looked back. She was fucking.

She was chicken and panda today. She ate a bunch of rice for dinner. She doesn't care who she hurts. I'm strong. Well, I think the real thing is that she doesn't have to do anything. You're the one that has to change you have to get hotter or else you're gonna be dumped you don't have to be on the lake to get dumped sam just keep being a load you're gonna be single with that cowboy hat trying to pull it off

cool look loser you could be like i was once married to a beautiful woman and they was like, cool look, loser. You could be like, I was once married to a beautiful woman and they're like, that was then. I'm eating chili out of it at the bus stop. You're at a bar trying to get laid. Look what I can do. Chili's too hot.

I burned my tongue. I spilled it on my crotch. Yowie, yowie, my ween. It it's scorched i wish i had a doctor i did have a doctor i had it all i used to have everything but then i ate that french fry and it was all downhill she ate the french fries i thought it was sugar-free burner she ate the french fry sugar free burner you have nine of them where the where you you saw sugar on the label and you thought your thumb was covering up the free part and it was like sugar times two and you're like no i was covering up the extra before

the sugar uh dude if i did get divorced and i just started wearing a cowboy hat people would like be on fucking death watch for me like oh shit sam's really going through what he wore the cowboy hat he's trying to reinvent himself the bolos the bolos were one thing but now he's added a hat he's got his concealed carry i have a gun and a cowboy hat and a shirt damn i hope that doesn't happen i think you're good yeah i'm good i have so much dirt on her emily likes you yeah it makes no sense you groomed her from a young age so yeah she doesn't know she

doesn't know that she'd be okay without you she wouldn't she wouldn't uh she doesn't know what to do out there in the world she's like when that guy got out of prison in shawshank and hangs himself that'd be her single she'd be fucking dangling and dead within 48 hours she'd be friends with a bird nobody would care though it wouldn't be the same as you with the cowboy hat she can do whatever she want and guys would be like wow you're so unique and free and then women would be like cool cowboy hat you fucking fat load get the fake liquor off the top shelf

i get a natty light one for me one for my bird a bird on my shoulder i feed it liquor out of the cowboy hat that's why cowboy hats are shaped that way so they can feed their horses water that's cool do you know that no and horses love water so you get a 10 gallon hat give them five gallons of water yeah i was disappointed i wanted to get like an eight gallon hat but they were 600 bucks and i'm not going to spend 600 bucks on a decent joke and then i'm like stealing focus like i go to the wedding and everyone's like not looking at the beautiful bride they're looking at me they're like look at that fucking fat guy in that giant what the hell's he up to i heard he eats soup out of it i think it's chilling shut up he's looking

at us can you believe that's his wife yeah he saw her commit a crime and now he's keeping the secret that's why they're together. Looking at us. Wait, are you saying the joke would have been getting the hat that was the size 8 or an 8-gallon? No, getting like an 8- to 10-gallon hat. Because they're that much taller. They look like they're for Peyton Manning. Yeah, exactly.

They're for the bust they made of Peyton Manning for the Hall of Fame. Well, have people been sharing a doctored version because I've seen a couple where it looks ridiculous like he's a conehead and then I've seen the one that I think is real and it's almost smaller than his actual forehead so I think there's I don't know about photoshop I've fallen for so many photoshops I feel like this is a becker question but it involves sports so becker doesn't know if there was a peyton manning comic book he would know yeah if donatello was inducted into the nfl hall you might be able to weigh in uh yeah i think that there have been some photoshopped versions where because his forehead is hilarious but i don't think it's as big as some of the uh busts have looked yeah i mean his forehead makes me want to fucking bust that's the target right there

uh yeah that was that was good yeah that was a good one becker had to becker passed out actually no no mike's humping his head he collapsed uh i think i'm gonna come up for your thing what thing you didn't invite me but i'm gonna come anyway well i invite you to all types of stuff and you're like no pass that sucks i don't care how many hot wings you're serving you let me know via patreon like everybody else like all the other simps well i'm gonna tell everyone right now hey uh if you live in denver or fort collins or you want to come out and make a trip september 7th and 8th i am premiering my comedy special waiting

for death to claim us it comes out the 7th on Video On Demand anywhere. But if you want to come watch it on the big screen, it's going to be there at the Sloan's Lake Alamo Draft House in West Denver, about a mile away from Casa Bonita. If you want to go see where all the kids drowned and then come watch my premiere. And then if you're in Northern Colorado, Cheyenne or Greeley, I guess, come on to the lyric theater

september 8th and come it's going to be the screening of the film and then a q a and if lun's coming he can host the fucking q a you want to moderate this thing on well i was thinking for the first question of the q a could just meet me and i would say best friends huh but if I want if I host it then uh then it's more like best friends hey all right I would love to have you come London I just figured you wouldn't want to because uh you don't like me much well I do want to see this thing it's 10 years in the making you filmed it from 96 to 2007 yeah and then we lost the masters and finally won him back in that court case in 2018 so yeah i'm excited to see it because uh i've never seen your comedy i hear that you're pretty good you're one of these up-and-comers that people can't get enough of

you and hannah einbinder are really turning heads oh yeah me and hannah we did jfl the same year and our careers are exactly the same uh she wrote a show called hacks you steal jokes yeah and i also uh cut up that girl so yeah you are a slasher yeah yeah hannah jesus what a fraud but uh i wish my mom was uh you know lorraine lorraine newman is that right i think her mom was vera wang fashionista yeah anyway she was nice to me up there but hey that's not the point the point is if you want tickets to that i have not made a public announcement besides this one and to the Patreon. So go to samtalent.com, and the tickets are listed on there. This will sell out probably when I finally announce it on Monday

at 11 a.m. to the public. So get those fucking tickies now. Yeah, that's exciting. Lund's going to be there. Lund just promised to be there. I'll go to the Denver one. I don't know about Foucault. And Fort Collins.

We'll see. Becker's coming too i heard that's a lot of denver trips becker's not coming becker just gave me the finger now he's sucking his own dick i didn't know he could do that i i could what do you think he's the producer whoa i didn't know he could load the pipe that way that was his interview if the if the movie about becker smoking a pipe get on the patreon by the way patreon.com slash joey behemoth becker smoked a pipe it was weird but yeah lun i'd love to have you becker i'd love to have you it's gonna be sick because the director and the uh cinematographer my buddy zach and my buddy bonzo are gonna be up there on the dais answering questions about what it's like to work with me. The man known as the secret tyrant, Sam Talent. Yeah, you can ask Bonzo a question and then who knows what he's going to respond with.

Probably not an answer. Yeah. He'll probably shrug and be like, I don't know, dude. He'll be like, uh, what? Como se dice? I'm Bonzo. that's how he sounds he'll get laid by somebody extremely out of his league yeah what you want to suck bonzo bonzo likey sucky we've been joking that

Bonzo's gonna show up when I introduce him hey my director Zach Toll he comes down hey my cinematographer Anthony Sandrin he grinds the rail down the Alamo and as he's grinding he's just throwing handfuls of branded condoms at the crowd they're like diet burners sugar free yeah i was gonna say what's the brand

for like canon old school cameras all right but yeah come watch it y'all samtalent.com has those tickets september 7th and 8th hop on there make a goddamn memory it's gonna be sick i'm gonna be sick i have covet again that sucks don't tell anyone at the cabin but you destroy emily's family yeah i wipe them all out family annihilator it's just me and susu survive i have to raise her i do i sing my song whenever she does something cool It's just me and Susu survive. I have to raise her. I sing my song whenever she does something cool.

And you're valid Victorian. And you're valid Victorian. Susanna Oprish, my niece, is smart as can be. Your niece has HIV. All right, get him out of here. Put the cowboy hat down. Yeah, she's in the cowboy hat. I put her in the cowboy hat today.

You're like, you're trying to meet women at the bar. You're like, so it's not just me in the cowboy hat in this package deal. I also have a half Jordanian lady. And don't ask why I have to raise her. I didn't accidentally kill her entire family. It's you and her dad. That's a tag team. Oh, God, that would suck. That'd be like Israel and Palestine.

You can make delicious food. I don't know. Oh, Lon's itching his pits gross i hate watching you groom i'm gross yeah it's crazy it's weird that i got less gross and you got more gross i'm not really more gross you just are less gross because you've been on keto for three weeks uh yeah i'm steady steady as she blows steady as she blows i've always been gross and i'll be continue to be this level of gross until i die oh and then i'll get grosser you know decomp i hope you never decompose, pal. I hope you stay gross forever. That's the plan.

Well, and I ate all that meat, and my ankles feel good, so maybe I'm back and better than ever. Yeah, I think you're good. I think for Emily's 30th, you should crack a cold one with the crew. No. Do you want me to get you some O'Douls? I'll get you a bunch of O'Douls, and you can shotgun them and crack them on your head like stone cold. I don't want O'Doul's? I'll get you a bunch of O'Doul's and you can shotgun them and crack them on your head like Stone Cold. I don't want O'Doul's.

I'll see what's up there. Budweiser Zero is good. Okay, but if I get you a bunch of Budweiser Zero's, you have to drink all 12 of them. Oh, yeah, for sure. I'll get fucking crazy. Yes, dude. Because I think I'm going to have a couple cold ones that night celebrating my wife's

birthday. Full-strength burners. We're drinking full-strength burners and zero-alcohol beers because I guess this is growing up. Detroit. The Windy City. The Big Gay Apple. The Yemeni's Playground. Yeah, you get to feel like a minority. Indy City. Big gay apple. The Yemenese playground.

Yeah, you get to feel like a minority. Yeah, I get to feel like a minority. Oh, you know what was cracking me up is between Las Vegas and Santa Rosa, there's a small town called Anton Chico. And I was like, that's my new name. Don't wear it out. Hello. Me llamo Anton Chico. And I was like, that's my new name. Don't wear it out. Hello. Me llamo Anton Chico. Hello, Anton.

How are you? I'm doing pretty good, dude. I sound like that guy, but I'm a different guy. I'm Anton Chico. Anton, did you steal a monkey from the San Francisco Zoo? That was my buddy. And he stole the way he talks from me. I'm the original guy that talks like this, and then that guy was like, hey, you sound pretty cool, dude.

Yeah, good old Anton. There was Anton Chico, and then there was Teco Lotito, and that's pretty fun, too. Teco Lotito? Yeah, dude. fun, too. Teco Lotito. Yeah, dude. I'm going to move to New Mexico just for the laughs, just for the road trip laughs. Taking pictures in front of city limit signs. You can be like, hey, I'm in Las Vegas.

Not the one you're thinking of. Teco Lotito. Well, there's there's the. When Anton Chico pulls a prank prank that's his catchphrase there's also there's the the place we ate at in las vegas uh we've johnny's original mexican food what's charlie's spic and span cafe and bakery yikesikes. And it's like, sorry, Charlie, what's Spanish for canceled? Because I don't care if you have a nine-year-old working here. It's not authentic enough to still go by,

have spic and span in the title, Chico. Yeah, even if you're Anton Chico, you can't get away with that. Even Anton Chico is like, you guys are canceled, dude. You can't say that shit, man. Oh, dude, you can't say it, man. Even Anton Chico is like, you guys are canceled, dude. You can't say that shit, man. Oh, dude, you can't say it. Only I can say it, dude. Yeah, that's a no-go from Anton Chico. Johnny's original Mexican food is in Las Vegas, and it rocks.

And one time, me and Stefan and Bonzo were driving through there, and I was like, guys, this is the best place in the world for Mexican food you're gonna love it we sit down they asked me what I have green chili plate extra chicharrones Bonzo nails they get some milanesa or whatever Stefan turkey sandwich please god damn it he did not hear the end of it for the next eight days in the car kept calling him turkey sandwich we'd go into the grocery store come out with turkey slices put him in his backpack one time one time bonzo in his pillow it was damn nice yeah old turkey sandwich fucking williamson blowing it oh how could he did he justify it i know he's not completely insane no he didn't justify he's like i just wanted a turkey sandwich and bonzo was like i'm bonzo he forgets yeah you're like yes you're right you are bonzo

you give him a little treat here you go buddy take my cowboy hat off give me some chili uh god but i mean yes come on stefan you're in New Mexico. You have to get green chili. You have to get something of the lamp. One time, Stefan, one time, like we drove to Wyoming, me, Stefan and David in high school, Bori and David, like skid marked on the back of day. Stefan's seat somehow just like giant skid mark. So Stefan drove over his foot at a wash a car wash well and we didn't talk the entire drive back from cheyenne damn yeah because stephan was like

you shit in my car and david was like you ran over my foot and i was just sitting there like puppeteering you know poking them both yeah i was like i'm bonzo you know that makes me think of how i have to be on skid mark watch when i'm when i'm sweating in a chair because there's always just that butt crack line you know i'm talking about the snail trail you mean the one that's in your shorts or the top of your crack that's exposed i'm talking you're talking about the part of your butt that I'm always dropping pens down in your mouth. No, no. I'm talking if I'm sweating and I sit in a plastic chair, there's going to be a little butt crack highway sweat line. Wow. You're fucking skid marking through your pants.

It's not skid mark. It's just sweat. But it looks it looks like, you know, pre-com, you know, it's like it's like i don't get it i have to i have to like i have to scoot my cheeks back and forth to get rid of the evidence before i stand up and a lot of times i forget and then i have to just stand up and look at and i'm like there it is it is one strikes again uh look who's not adhering to his only pipes in the house policy becker's sneaking a sick good for him i'm envious smoke down there people have smoked in that basement since 1955 sam yeah i'm gonna fucking heat up this purple heart and use it to light the end of this benson and hedges

this is perfect. I wish I could just blast one every now and then, but I can't. Gotta be strong, brother. Yeah, while constantly hitting a fucking vape pen? It's a CBD pen. There's a lot of CBD in here, man.

I don't think that's true. I think you're getting off on the line. You like lying. I do not like lying. on the line. You like lying. You don't like lying. You love it. I do not. It seems like you would not get that into CBD vapes. Well, I needed something to sussate my oral fixation besides blowing guys behind the reservoirs gotcha okay now that makes sense because you used to have used to have tobacco vapes and you've

switched off and now you're tricking your own stupid brain yeah my own brain is a slave to my deviousness nathan plugs why is it me me plugs? Because I've been plugging, dude. September 7th and 8th, Alamo Drafthouse Sloan's Lake for the premiere of Waiting for Death to Claim Us. Waiting to exhale. Waiting to exhale featuring Sam Talent. A Bonzo

joint. Bonzo, I'm getting my groove back. You're Bonzo. Directed by John Toll. Hey, come on. Do the research. Hey, everybody. Yeah, that's a deep cut.

That's like episode four. We were doing Stanley and Toll. That was going to be our podcast. It was you doing John Toll and me doing Stanley. Monkey and the man. Hey, all right. Who forgot to be a warrior for christ not me do mike oh fred it's me i'm right here in my hometown of detroit right oh yeah he rules the midwest he does with an iron fist lund you got any plugs i got nothing i'm off until lucha libre and laughs on august 27th i'll be up here with my lovely family

that was my plug for denver uh august 26th uh i'm opening for i'm hosting for billy wayne davis at the el raton theater raton, New Mexico. That'll be fun. Me, Billy Wayne, old BW, and then Jay Gillespie, Elise Kearns, back in the saddle again. But back in the saddle again. Oh, hopefully, here's a plug, hopefully Jason down in Raton will show up

and I'll get to the bottom of whether he has a knuckle tattoo that says rape on it yeah hey i hope so bottom of you though stay stay tuned yeah he's gonna wear me like a 10 gallon hat uh oh what was it fuck i had something to say shit fill some time on let me think uh You have a hat. You have your mail. You have your writing thing. You want to plug that? You can read three paragraphs by Sam every three weeks. Top notch stuff. Fuck.

I had a really cool thing to say. Susu. Oh, hey, whoever ratted on us to Josh Blue about me doing that impression of him on one of the last pods. I know we've got a snitch in our ranks. All right. Because Josh hit me up and said he listened to the whole episode. So whoever's tattling out there, Josh thought it was funny because he's a very funny person. But if he wasn't such a solid dude, he might have had his feelings hurt by my great impression of him.

You were doing him like a full on stroke victim or like I was. He was someone who someone who had a stroke while being in an apartment fire. You said it's so fucking ridiculous. And then Nicole, his girlfriend, Nicole, was like, that was a killer. Josh Blue impression. I was like, whoa, yeah, that's not what he sounds like. Yeah. Josh texted me and I like was like, oh, ha ha ha. And then later on, he's like, I still can't believe that's not what he sounds like yeah josh texted me and i like was

like oh ha ha and then later on he's like i still can't believe that's how i sound and i was like dude you don't sound like that way at all and he was like no shit stupid no shit you fat wad yeah nice cowboy hat chunk so hey samtalent.com buy those tickets they will sell out get them thank you all very much sam t nation nathan lund uh incorporated and becker and while becker watches becker at all