Chubby Behemoth - Catch A Beat

Episode Date: February 22, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   The Four Words. Crispy Breakfast Tatoes. How Deskquatch Plays.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

imagine like it's raining outside there's this thick fog that rolls in you're in a cave imagine how hard you would sleep dude everyone would think i was dead yeah like and i wonder how deep you would go in and for how long you would be gone like if you could stack 18 hours of cave sleep you'd probably live an extra two years yeah at least if you're doing that on the reg yeah i wonder if you i don't know i feel like all the good caves have been taken i don't know why but that's like my gut feeling is all the good caves have been you know gentrified or uh they're developed to the point of unrecognition and now you can't get any fucking cave sleep in this goddamn country.

And what are your thoughts? I like that. I don't know where, how it started, but I liked the idea of going to cave after cave. And there's already some well-rested hobo who's like, get the hell off my property. I would prefer it was a hobo than some hipster in an Undertaker hat.

If you hold this camera while I take a selfie and you're like, that's why you live in the cave? For drifters to come by and maybe take photos of you? He gets a photo with whoever comes a-knockin' and then adds the photo to the cave wall. Yeah, at Cave Chronicles. He's got 113 000 followers yeah they're sending him sponsored he gets like a french press like a new tester it's like if only i had a place to plug into this cave oh i do i forgot i wired it oh uh speaking of sponsored seven strong said they want to send us some more i know yeah seven strong hit me up as well i think maybe we should go with eight strong i think i think eight and a half soft strong would

be good imagine that nightmare walking around hanging eight and a half you can't go in revolving doors or escalators i think i'm gonna ask if they'll make a who queefed but not so you're gonna start working in research and design for them give them a couple ideas see how they see how they're uh how they're received by the public hey i want to i want to see if you would make me a silk shirt uh on the front it says who queefed across the chest and on the back it's uh mick foley with giant tits can you get working on that for me i got mick foley right here oh shit man yes you do and there's some giant tits if you combine them r and d you would combine or i guess r and d you would put that idea out

there and then it would be made possible r and d forever i've uh rude dudes incorporated rude and Incorporated. Rude and dude. That'd be like the best gang to be in. Oh no. Lock the doors, honey. It's the rude dudes. Did you sleep last night? Or are you going manic like Patrick? Oh, I'm fucking thriving, man. I got half an orange over here

that I'm eager to keep swishing and slurping oh boy this is a fun new way to do it you just wheeze a little bit of the juice and then a little hummingbird i guess that's better than licking an apple slice well i can do that with this as well listen it doesn't have the same texture though you sound like a cat cleaning yourself thank you becker that's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me i like to i like to cut an orange in half because then it exposes the individual little pulp granules you ever you ever spent some time just like with a bisected orange slice getting the granules one by one no you're thinking

of a pomegranate no no you can do it with an orange yeah you can do it with an orange those beads and a pomegranate are their own thing but these you really gotta you gotta work for these blood orange beads are better they're all big and swollen i know dude yep those are the best they're like uh it's like eating the inside of a lung. Yeah. We got to order some of those caviar kiwis. Oh, God. I would just go on a big fruit exposition if I could. I would love to travel the world eating all the different fruits and stuff that I see Chinese people destroying online.

God, that'd be the best. I had a fruit. I had a soursop when i was in australia and me and ben avery ate it and then immediately we were like we tried to drive we tried to bribe a lady at the front desk to give us a ride and we're going to give her a hundred dollars to get us back to this fruit stand and she was like i can't do it mate okay i can't give private rides to the guests i'm on desk watch yes i squat on this desk and I fill up this mug and sometimes it's shit and sometimes it's piss. I'm on desk squat. I'm on the hunt for the big man and he's in the area and he may check in and I have to be able to tell him about the amenities.

We have a big desk shaped primate on the loose it's my job to put me peepers on them and say oi oi what you doing what you up to mate that's as much as i can do to intervene yeah but we uh so that we tried to hitchhike we went out to the main street and threw our thumbs up and no one stopped of course because he looked like a child and i looked like his captor you had a sign that said sour sop please sour sopper bust we'll suck for sour sop give me yours give me your salty so i can have some sour make me soppy and i'll get sour yeah man i just love fruit i want to try a custard apple yeah those look dope and those crazy little knives they cut them with and take like the spirals out take your cigarette out of your mouth before you talk on this pot

we're not a fucking pool hall becker i was trying to write down the funny thing nathan said but yeah you know those little like uh like pigtail knives i don't even remember what it was i don't either nice job what was the funny thing he said it's for the notes uh say though i want to i want to be it on the joke give me salty that's how i pull it for the show uh it's probably early on they'll probably be actually like funnier stuff later on yeah i know but i i take down all the good stuff uh but those like pigtail knives that they do the spiral cuts of the apple to like check them for some reason that looks so delicious to me becker is this real or is this did you see this in like a bullwinkle cartoon it's real i look at used it for real life

yet again i'm good everyone's on their phone you know i'm not on my phone i was i'm finding out my finger now uh you know it's you know what I just realized would be funny is if my mom saw the video, saw the gag where my website goes to DonaldTrump.com and tries to reconnect. Hey, son. Son. We're back. Nathan, I follow Sam's antics online. He looks like he's having fun. And he posted a video of you coming to your senses live.

And I just wanted to say, come back to mommy. I donated. I'm going to the rally. I'm going to do desk watch. I got a job as desk Sasquatch mom. And I'm doing it for dad. i'm doing it for old rick she was a recess mom and my buddy kevin lost i don't know lost his mind and like freaked out on her and then we had to fight and we did yeah i'm sorry i didn't hear you broke up you said she was

a retard mom because i already knew that because she's your mom recess mom oh i thought she was the repressed mom and she wanted to let her freak flag fly out there yeah she dumped them everybody was like whoa she doesn't really have them but look at those we're 10 so this rules it's like if an ant had tits yeah we had to uh we had to fight over my mom's honor what did he do pantser he was going through some shit he was like that one guy that one of your friends where he would have sleepovers we'd be in the basement and then his dad would holler from the top of the stairs and it was like oh good kevin's gonna go get his ass kicked while we're down here trying to make memories yeah i'm gonna fucking tune it up for playing crash bandicoot too loud right he had he had six friends over it was supposed to be four so

gets gets his ass beat raw he he had an above ground pool and a basketball hoop with a an adjustable rim so we were over there all the time and his dad hated it yeah did you go with the hoop did you ever go uh did you ever did you ever shoot hoops while you were in the pool uh his dad would have killed us all i think i don't know if we ever dared man the rec center in castle rock had a pool uh and it was indoor pool and then they had a basketball hoop right next to it and And I've never like, that was blood sport. That was as close as I've ever come to any kind of like,

you know, that game they play in Florence, Italy, where it's like, they represent the neighborhoods. I think it's called like Calexico or something. I don't know about this game. It's two teams and they just,

it's a full on ball sport and a pit, but they play in like a big pit and they represent the different four different quarters of their uh of florence i think but it's like a full-on mma fight so you can just run up to a guy and like punch him and choke him out and like that's the whole game it's a crazy ancient blood sport and that's what we were getting involved in when we would play fucking pool ball dude how was i don't even i can't even understand like a right like a real basketball hoop no like uh you know like um it's like a three-foot hoop that like a little baby would play on yeah some by the fucking some little stupid kid would play on and you just walk up and swat the ball

and then see other egos that kind of thing but it was right next to the pool so you would bring it up and they had a little ball and you just good people kids were climbing all over me man i was just i was like mike allstott in there throwing bows like you i remember holding uh this kid richie's head underneath the water while slam dunking it was like I have become death it was like the peak of me probably if there's any chicks there that would have started ovulating if they saw that if I was just your dominance yeah just dunking little Richie's head and it's in this indoor pool do I have my shirt on yeah I didn't want to get sunburned but still I was I was a fucking force in there man yeah Yeah, I got skin cancer in my family.

Yeah. These lights are pretty bright in here. Yeah, they use UV rays in the lights to simulate natural sun so that we can have more fun. I spent a lot of time in indoor pools, not a lot of outdoor pools growing up. I was a rec center kid. That's where I would go splash. Yeah. You were outside outside you were in vegas yeah i'm trying to think of the pools i guess people had their own so rec center was for

basketball on a regular hoop then maybe the game room but i don't i don't know about the pool we had a pool club for the neighborhood and it was outdoor and it ruled yeah but that was bounty hunters only right pool club yeah bounty hunter pool club no it wasn't it wasn't the fancy neighborhood big dog t-shirt bounty hunter pool club uh no got any warrants no then get in the pool uh it ruled it was where all the like uh parents just sent us all day to not be anywhere near the house all summer yeah no there was one of those in pawnee hills uh my friend kevin was a real dirt bag you know kevin schultz lund yeah yeah he'spty old crumpty yeah he had a key somehow we would news like all these like rich kids and then me and bonzo and levi komar would go in there just oh boy who had

him i don't know but i found out that's the truth going in there oh tiffany taylor's here okay boys you know what to do. Ready, boys? It's just us yanking the strings on bikinis and getting yelled at. No good pets here. What do you mean? No, he's got... I don't know. He's ruining the flow of the pod. ask him if he went to bed last night nice

i know why is that on there why because it's a gnarly tattoo did you submit it how'd they get the hands on it all right we'll talk about this later he's coming up to you with his phone to show you something god yeah yeah you better be careful you better be careful if he starts talking like i did in 2012 you're gonna have to like make him go to sleep you have to choke him out no no he is not manic at all in fact he just had an epiphany and he's like happy now that's exactly what happens when you're manic you have epiphanies left and right yeah but he didn't say that he was the angel of death here to show us the truth you feel really you were talking no yeah you're like i'm michael and gandhi and buddha michael the angel yeah yeah the archangel michael

i'm the archangel baby i'm here to stay uh i have a ribald bon mot to remember yeah i've got a meeting later with the second in command for the current king. Me and Patrick yesterday were talking like one of your former roommates. Oh, yeah. Hello there. What's up, serfs? Have you come? Have you come to sit at the knee of true truth? Come forth. Listen to me.

For I have the yarn I'd enjoy spinning if you have an ear that I may purchase for a moment. Just a lot of that. Becker, you might know this guy. Yeah, I think I do. Yes, you do. Not Byron.

A different guy who talks like a villain. Not Byron. Yes, this is Byron. Fuck. What say you? Pork chops for half off at all yes bring around the chopper i think of byron always like as a google alert out for half off pork chops dude we were not clipping coupons when i was up in chicago to film my special we went hard

coupons when I was up in Chicago to film my special. We went hard. Can we imagine? We ate like kings. Yeah, in that you were all inbred and you had gout by the end of it. Yeah, and we talked like this. I can't use my jaw to speak.

I only use it to sup. They all talk like their jaws are wired shut. Yes, it's all from the back of the throat but the tongue do none of the work that tongue is the devil's instrument if the tongue ever escapes your teeth you owe a thousand dollars

to the vicar by midnight uh Pat's tattoo was stolen by vice I guess he has a dumb tattoo and they posted it i don't know that's the update he sent my shirt he says yeah yesterday in no way he better not have because he asked if i got it like three days ago and i was like no but if it's in the mail then that's all you can do no no he sent it yesterday And who paid to ship it, Lunn? Who do you think?

Whose ship station account was used to send that down to you? I would imagine he got a hold of Mark Marins. Did Mark say it on a hot mic? Yes. In the garage. He used Will Sasso's account to ship it down to you. Nice. Get that.

Pat's like, I don't charge for shipping. It's like, yeah yeah because i do the shipping patrick also he kind of does because he charges 30 for a little stupid t-shirt so i figured some of that is the shipping bitch there's a lot of blood on his hands i'm gonna kill him good i'm gonna fucking shoot on his ass oh the two-way state uh wrestling champion that was from right here in trinidad colorado so how about that could have kicked your ass i mean what do you what do you want me to do with this information it's funny i don't know make fun of it it's just more of an indictment of the news going around Trinidad

where of the 2A state wrestling high school champion being from Trinidad and that guy what he's a Trinidad guy just like me that boy it's like I could be a wrestling champion too because we're both from Trinidad eating the same food walking the same streets. Yeah. So that's pretty sweet. I go in there wearing my Cactus Jack shirt, have a barbed wire baseball bat, just whacking people in the stomach as they try to give me the double axe handle. Yeah. You're hitting people with tube lights.

Yeah. They're up high. I'm down below. I hit them in the gut, and that sets them up for the double arm ddt i would pay a substantial amount of money to watch you try and participate in one high school wrestling practice i have an in with the you do have an tattooed on your back. A what? Did you miss your glasses trying to wiggle them?

Oh, I made a nasty joke and I was at a mouthful of orange beads. Tell us more about the N you have you said I have an N tattooed nice the basketball and volleyball coaches come into the

bar and they said I could come play shoot around or you've told us this like a hundred times you've never done it why would I go it would be weird why would it be weird you this like a hundred times like around well never done it yeah no why would i go it would be weird why would it be weird you're like a legend on the court man that's what i'm saying i'm just gonna go get my ass kicked and look like an idiot yeah go down there let him see how desk watch plays i'm gonna go down to the basketball he filled up a cup it was

either piss or shit but we're not sure what that was all about threw it in the referee's face he said hot soup soups on shot and then shot on the guy he sprawled i would love to watch he went for the figure four yeah yeah he uh entered the game via some kind of ropes on pulleys and he plummeted from the ceiling and said i'm owen hart i'm owen hart the undertaker's music played and a bunch of smoke filled the gymnasium and the smoke alarms went off so we had to delay the game by an hour but when he finally made his entrance he was in a wheelchair and he just kept saying julie julie it was just a bunch of inside jokes nobody got him no one got it everybody hated it oh shit um yeah i would love to watch you participate in a high school wrestling practice you having to do bear crawls good. You'd look like a little man pig. You'd be encrypted out there.

Jordan Dahl would have a podcast about you. You'd puke so much. That's what I was thinking. There'd be so much vomiting. Yeah, there's so much half-chewed checkers on the mat. There's no checkers, dude. I wish. Oh, damn.

Maybe you should invest your money in a regional fast food chain. Bring it down there. Please, damn. Maybe you should invest your money in a regional fast food chain. Bring it down there. Please, somebody. I want to open a hearty... Becker's plaintive plea. Please, somebody. That was like when they post the video of the POWs. There's a bunch of guys with a hood standing beside you with scimitars.

Please, somebody. Just open up like a captain d's or something i would i would settle for a taco john's just please send send anything you got taco john's up there oh yeah we got whatever we got everything up here you don't have del taco we're calling out his fourth largest city bitch i wonder what China that is. 12? You guys are an incorporated business zone is what you put in the city.

Oh, man. Potato Olay's. Yeah, see? You guys are getting fired up. Those shits are good. I went over to Hardee's here because west of the Mississippi, it's Carl's Jr., but people would come from all over the Southwest to be like, whoa, we're in a Hardee's, but we are West. We're almost as West as West can get.

Oh, yeah. Hardee's. Take my picture. I'm going back to the cave with a new photo. This one's going on the wall. What were you saying in the beginning that just apropos of nothing hey becker you ever think about how good you'd sleep in a cave me too and then i come in and ruin everything no you were talking about a redacted message yeah we were talking about an unsent message from one nathan lund uh oh sure in regards to wanting to sleep later you guys no sold me oh i saw it and i defended you because of the weather down here i was like yeah like 45 minutes to shake it off this morning because of this thick fog situation becker said he's probably really asleep because it's foggy and i was like

jesus christ what the hell that's what you guys are up to down there no no your fucking rm cycle it does not speak for me yeah pressure affects your sleepiness yeah that's why becker's uh tubes in his ears are tingling right now i need tubes i had to work last night uh late and then i had to take megan to work so i slept for three hours and then i slept for three hours so i was hoping for another 25 or 30 minutes but then uh you guys did not see the message i didn't think you didn't get in there oh i saw it and i was like i'm not gonna respond to this bullshit you uh coward like no i have things to do yeah you got a big meeting at 12 30 i do yeah at one o'clock i do oh good you gotta play putt-putt i did play putt-putt that was fun did you win patrick started crying because he was so happy with the the sense of community that was around him man i don't think he's manic man i know

everything i said straight up bongo chongo but i don't think that he is. I live here with him. Yeah. We talked a couple days ago. Oh, I know. That was good for him. He needs to sleep. Yeah, you poisoned his mind. Make him eat a bunch of turkey and give him some wine.

All he eats is Eggos. Oh, yeah? Is that why you said that earlier? All he eats is Eggos? Non-stop Eggo. Dry. I'm always like, Lego! Lego! He doesn't. He refuses to Lego. He eats a

four-stack of Eggo's. Does he do the thick and fluffies? No, no, he's not rich. He's not the son of a wealthy bounty hunter, Becker. He doesn't have thick and fluffy money. Last uh we went there it was the jfl audition up here and i hosted and yeah that fucking carnival game yeah so afterwards we all

went to waffle house and patrick ordered i think it was just a bowl of dog food it was pretty much grill scrapings on top of a pile of hash browns that were uncooked. And I, of course, let's, okay, I ordered hash browns. Lund, you know me well enough. We were just in Tuscaloosa and we had disappointing Waffle House hash browns. So when I order hash browns, what do I talk about? Do I talk about Manchester United soccer? Do I talk about the color spectrum the human eye can see

what do i always talk about when i order hash browns that you want them extra crispy i don't know yes how they suck that's all i talk about for 10 minutes as soon as i order i say these aren't going to be good these are gonna suck i know i ordered them well done but these aren't going to be good and hannah jones is sitting there being like oh do you know how to optimize your seo and i'm like hannah what do you know about hash browns toots why don't you let your hair down and listen to a man talk so yeah as soon as i were to hash browns i tell hannah jones i say yeah you know here's the thing about hash browns how old are you and she's like what why are you asking that and i was like well

i need to know how deep i can dive all right do i have to put on my snorkel or can i just stay on the surface a little bit here's my issue with hash browns the outside is crispy. The bottom is crispy. The inside is a bunch of wet worms of potatoes. Yeah, mush. Mush. Terrible, shitty mush. All they have to do is spread them out on the goddamn griddle. I don't get it. They do, but there's a whole...

I mean, at Waffle House specifically, there's like a zone of optimization that they have to utilize where they only have this much griddle space for each order. Cause you know, as soon as that Waffle House order comes in, she's like drop three Browns on the one side. We need a smother, cover, capo on the down.

And then I need you to flip seven tasties and get a couple of bacons in the buns, you know? And the guy's like, I miss my wife. Everyone I love is dead. Yeah. just over there cleaning his nails with a knife coming right up god damn it i can't wait to kill that governor if i was dead i wouldn't have to deal with this god just take me take me god damn it why even

waste both of our time down here tina was right the kids are better off in the grave they don't have to live in trinidad where all we can hope for is for a fucking hardys to open up sometime so so let me ask you guys why when you were young becker and nathan i don't know if you can remember that far back what were hash browns like they're pretty same as they are now sometimes they're great sometimes they're fucked yeah you remember a time in this once great country when if you ordered hash browns it was a toasty tasty lattice work of crispy potatoes yeah i've had it i've had that but i don't think it was a time i think it was a place it was it was pre-9-11 america that was the place those towers going down and poisoning all those firefighters that wasn't the worst thing that happened to us all right we've lost

a lot in the culture war and one of them is crispy breakfast tato's. Here's the issue. When we were younger, all right, they were crispy. And it was a good time to be a boy. Pound a bunch of hash browns with your grandpa. He puts you in the truck. He drives you to a second location for more breakfast. All right. You don't know why you're obese as an adult. You don't have to ask these questions.

Well, you know, but when you could have done something you didn't know no just like we did on 9-11 all right so it's 1999 you're at a village in in parker colorado people are smoking cigs you're like i'll never do that look how stupid they look drugs are for losers you you order some hash browns they come out and they are just a perfect shingle of brown crispy delight all right and then things develop a little bit then 13 saudi arabians decide to fuck everything up for everybody it wasn't just that necessarily you know the internet came along people are uh ordering things on a little website they're buying books off a thing called amazon.com good luck yeah that'll stick around that's what people want books at the drop of a hat books in the mail yeah uh no you go to a bookstore dummy yeah you go to borders

what's next a camera in your phone how are you going to put a camera in a rotary phone geez uh so things are changing your body's changing and another thing that's changing and developing is the size of food portions here in america all right so what we have now is formerly you had a nice typical serving of hash browns they were easy to crisp up because they weren't a big pile and now though you know with inflation and uh you know hunter biden's laptop you've got price of oil yeah they them's the bathrooms for everyone i guess whatever well you know it's not for everyone our wet soppy ash browns okay i think i've told you this i think the main problem is that so many restaurant diners are such impatient assholes that they want everything right away and so

instead of doing fries doing wings doing hash browns the correct amount of time so that they taste perfect people are just slopping them and and hustling them through real quick and sacrificing like 30 seconds so that you know they don't get a complaint or or get a server stiffed on their bill you're blaming the victim i'm i think well yeah it's like what chicken or the egg i think the first thing was people being like, this is ridiculous. It's been six minutes since I ordered. Why isn't my food out here? I'm hungry.

American dieting occupants a whole different ballgame. All right. I agree with you there. But what it is is potatoes are cheap and Americans are big fat slop pigs and they want a plate that's bulging with food. And how do you do that? Eggs are $15 a carton. You know, bacon's being made in the laboratory my daughter's dating a black guy this country has changed i hate it all right

you've been on donaldjtrump.com yeah i'm gonna go to nathanlund.com and make a donation i i really wanted it to i i had different ideas for where that website should link. And I'm glad cooler heads prevailed. I literally told him, just put up a website that's all swaths. And he was like, that's extreme.

Becker's answering a phone call. Becker's on the phone. He's like, oh, sorry guys, my breakfast dominoes is here. Just leave it outside. there's a little cooler that keeps stuff hot put it in there he's got he's got the same bag that the dominoes delivery driver does and he's like put it into the one on the porch he doesn't have a he doesn't have a mailbox he has a dominoes delivery receptacle the government will pay for it you just

gotta ask um i wanted to link the storm front is what i wanted but he didn't do that which you probably would have laughed as much if it went to a white supremacist message board yeah trump's website was good it was funny it was confusing you you secretly like him so anyway what we have he says what we're all thinking he's he his his main thing for 2024 is he's gonna make hash browns crispy again what is that what m mhca it's not magus it's maca single voter now sam this is how a man becomes radicalized so yeah so now you have this big pile of hash browns and the inside is never hits the griddle what you have is you just have this like this like souffle pancake of hash browns because the serving size has gone up i say this i say take the serving size down and serve me some crispy hashers that i can smatter with heinz 57

and i'll be happy all right and i won't have to you know climb the clock tower and handle things with my rifle as we say uh did you was there a jfl representative there or did you did the sets just get filmed what do you think i don't know yeah you think that uh the man formerly known as jeff singer came to fort collins on a tuesday i don't i don't know d-rod did jfl so maybe he and jeff i did jf i'm the only one who did it you didn't make it you weren't allowed on the plane canada was like 19 gross yeah can Canada said, no thank you. They're like, we have a little rule against importing livestock without a permit.

Get back in that dirigible balloon boy. No, there was no JFL representative and there were, I don't know, 30 people in the crowd. I don't think it's anyone's year. Based on last night. Yeah. There just weren't enough people there was a snowy night in fort collins

the people forgot how to laugh there was too much ozone in the air according to becker yeah it was foggy so everybody was scared i could see you being dumb enough to let fog dictate your sleep schedules now don't say don't pluralize that shit just saying you guys are both dumb that was before i got on here becker's like well if i'm in the clouds that must mean i'm going up to heaven i must be dead yeah as well might as well go back to sleep i got infinity to live now it's barometric pressure and temperature affect your sleep cycle i got some cycles for you right here pal you don't get sleepy when it rains he's got two unicycles one in each hand i eat one balance it on your chin no i love sleeping in the rain becker yeah see you know about me you do the

same thing fog's just like rain light you know what i love more than sleeping during rain though or fog what honoring my commitments to my friends i did i still had my alarm set i looked at my phone for a few minutes and you guys didn't you guys know sold me so i said all right time to get up let the dogs out you know what buddy get some coffee going if you point your gun at me and you pull the trigger and you miss it's still attempted murder all right i'm pointing my gun at you right now i'm pointing my pistol at you but you can't see it because it's not hard safety is off i'm not tobias i don't adhere to proper gun safety protocol my My finger's on the trigger. Do you guys hear about Tobias?

50 UI? No, he took over in Larimer County. He's the head of the Aryan Brotherhood. Oh, no. Yeah. Don't put that on him. Yeah, so they used to be the 14 words, and now it's the four words.

Come play with us. It's more inviting. Big Edward Norton looking dude in American history. Come play with us. Come play with us, brother. He just takes off his flag, you know dude in American History X. Come play with us. Come play with us, brother. He just takes off his flag, you know, in American History X where he takes his shirt off to fly the flag of the swastika.

Instead, he takes it off and it's just a Neanderthal production. Get in the van. It wasn't Toby's production company called like 1788 or something pretty close to 1488 that sounds familiar but i can't remember if it was his was that maybe a couple of other comics that we're doing i don't know i don't know anymore man a couple of comedians trying to get people to talk like this again, like they did in 1788. A couple of

buffoons out for a satirical outing. Did you guys have a nice weekend? Yeah. Didn't do anything, I don't think. We watched House of the Dragon. It was okay.

Dragons were cool too uh caught up on the last of us i'm i i wish that we could let it get finished so that we could just watch them i don't like the weekly thing i don't like the having to wait slap at the last episode sucked most recent one yeah it honked hard yeah not a lot happened but the one before it was crazy so you got to bring it down i know it's just like oh did uh they filmed in canada but it was funny that they called colorado state east well they say yeah they said eastern colorado university but they said yeah they said it was right off of I-25.

Bighorn Sheep. Yeah, Bighorn Sheep. In the game, it was Fort Collins. That's where they went. Oh, shit. Yeah, it ruled. That game was fucking sick. Becker, do you play that game? No. I've watched some, but I haven't. I have it, but I barely started. Oh, yeah. I told you. I didn't like that.

I don't want auto-aim like in Red Dead and GTA. I don't like that. I want auto aim like in Red Dead and GTA. I don't want to have to point, you know, fix my sights. Man, you want the game to play itself for you. You're like, I like movies. Why can't this be like a movie? You're so dumb. You're mad at the game.

You're like, oh, crap. I have to put in my name. Jesus. All right. Buttlord, done. That was the best part of the first Pokemon games. You could make the guy's name like Cunt or like Pussy Rat. You could put whatever you want. Now the new games, they've got governors put on.

Another thing they took from us, much like Crispy Hash Browns. put on another thing they took from us much like crispy hash browns the towers fell and cheney and company were like this is when we implement the 12 steps to control now the first thing we're going to do to take the power back from these fucking plebeians no longer can ash's Ash's rival be named F at symbol G. Oh yeah, so we watched movies because Emily was off this weekend. I was off. I was home. It was the first time I'd been home in like fucking five months. It ruled. We had a big movie night. Emmy got the mattress

out, put it on the floor. We put some newspaper down for Patrick. It was awesome. We watched Triangle of Sadness sadness have you guys seen this film is that the boat one yes dude movie of the year i want to see it really bad so good dude excellent film better than uh everything everywhere all at once everything's better than that dude that movie sucks so much shut up we get it lund you're smart or whatever no i liked it i thought it was good i know you guys were like this isn't how it would work a multiverse wouldn't function in this way shut up nerd that was becker's take

that was not mine i had a different you were like too many Asians. There's one white person in this universe. Get me out of here. No, I just I like movies that are good. That's my biggest. But yeah, do you know the fucking triangle? It's so good. We watched Banshees of Inner Shearer but uh oh god i mean emmy uh emmy the next night we were watching a movie pat was out and about he was down there uh summit music hall or marquee or whatever hosting the

some show i mean emmy had some time alone when we used seven of those minutes rather effectively and then there was a whole night ahead of us and um we were we did something on netflix where it's like all right we're gonna shut our eyes and i'm gonna go seven down two over and that's what we're gonna watch so that is a dangerous game it was we ended up getting we we lucked out we got the uh the documentary about that larry nasser guy who fingered all those girls on the olympic team man yeah and as soon as we opened our eyes i was like oh crap and emily was like she read the description and she was like perfect saturday saturday saturday hold on i'm gonna make some more popcorn let's get loose it's into that movie after she saw it she was like let's go back upstairs

jesus oh yeah this primed the pump real good don't know but i fell asleep of course because it was horrifying and emily was she she woke me up standing over me and she's like i can't believe you fell asleep before the end why would you do that i was like what and she's like you washed can't believe you fell asleep before the end. Why would you do that? I was like, what? She's like, you watched all the bad parts, but then as soon as they get their justice, you're like, no more for me. I was like, I didn't fall asleep at the movie.

It wasn't on purpose. There was no spite involved in me nodding off. What's the matter with you? Then she was mad at me. We went to bed with her mad at me. You're not supposed to go to bed mad it wasn't since the first time we've ever gone to bed mad at each other because i was like i'm sleepy i'm just gonna go to bed and she was like i can't believe you would do that i'm like

what are you fuck what are you on about how dizzy are you bitch when i was asleep you've been in the whole damn time just in the backyard twirling just outside arms out and then getting mad about it like fuck so dizzy why would you spin me like that yeah dude that was that was a new insanity uh But then the next day, we went and we played Putt-Putt. And man, that was fun. That was a nice family thing. We went and played Putt-Putt with Katarina in Boston. And then played some Putt-Putt, played some Laser Tag.

When's the last time you guys played Laser Tag? You did not do Putt-Putt and Laser Tag. I played Laser Tag twice, my man. Damn. Dude, it's got to be 20 years dude the technology and laser tag has not changed since 1999 nice yeah they perfected it it's the same ill-fitting vest we were in there it was the five of us and then uh there was two like eight-year-old boys. Oh, yeah. And me and Pat right away were like, we're on the kids team.

And they were like, oh, nice. And one of the kids kept saying hell. And the other kid would be like, oh, my God, stop it, Dante. They were named Abel and Dante, which was fun. And one kid would be like, I don't care. I don't give a hell. And the other kid would be like, whoa, you're so bad. like i don't i don't care i don't give a hell and the other kid would be like whoa you're so bad so we got in there and i was like look kids here's the deal you just hide behind me

i'll fucking soak up the shots you guys blast and right away they were like okay good idea and as soon as we got in there it was chaos they were gone then they would just run around screaming yeah my move was hang out in the tower and then when someone comes up the tower i just grab their gun and hold it up until they're like all right fine and they turn around and they leave because that's the issue with their head down yeah uh-huh it's like they're in the pool right yeah give them a side bottom treatment yeah and uh yeah so they would just come up and be like, Oh,

I got you. I'd be like, no, you didn't. I just hold their gun up until they're like, okay, let it go. Come on,

Sam, Sam, turn around. Fine. And they would turn around. I shoot him in the back. But those kids thought they were, you know,

they thought they were like fucking Ulysses S. Grant out there. They kept, they kept saying they come up on the tower. They'd be like, all right, follow me. And I'd be like, all right, they'd run away and i'd just stay in the tower there's a lot of follow me's that were not enacted upon but pat was out there like a fucking hero he was running around zipping getting all sweaty um ruining the uh laser tag

gear that he had on the equipment so pat was like this this vest isn't gonna fit me and i was i looked at the kids immediately like yes what do you guys think about that i remember being an eight-year-old boy surrounded by fat wads i think i would have some interesting takes on this instead of like doing the right thing they were like no it'll fit you buddy i was like fuck all right you thought the eight year olds were going to bully pat yes 100 we would have we would have yes come on well i guess there is that um uh lack of fear because you know that only a completely insane adult would do anything to you of consequence so right and that was encouraged when we were kids like every cool person on tv was a piece of shit smart ass yeah this is what dennis the menace is running

around yeah and barts and every every cool dude in every show was just an aloof asshole remember writer strong from boy meets world yeah that boy everybody loved sean yeah just an aloof asshole. Remember Rider Strong from Boy Meets World? That boy everybody loved. Sean. That show pissed me off so much. Topanga, legendary hangers. It was still okay back then to catch a beat to her because you weren't an adult

using an onion browser. Using what? An onion browser you know so using what an onion browser what's that like it's like a tour thing for you getting on the dark web um it was a joke about child pornography so anyway but topanga is gonna give up her sweet melon virginity to fucking cory matthews at least fuck his older brother what are you doing yeah he was a teacher wasn't he he was in the later years but initially he was just like a goofball and it's like look i know how this works you're the hottest chick with the biggest lips and the fattest tits in school all right you don't fuck you don't fuck fred savage's little brother we all know that's not how it works you don't fuck becker j., alright? Little tight curls. Yeah, you fuck

the kid whose dad molested him or whatever. You know, that's what you do. You get over there with Sean. Get on his Vespa. Go get fingered in a treehouse and smoke a Lucky Strike. You don't bang Corey Matthews. In real life, she probably would have been banging Mr. Turner.

She would have fucked Mr. Feeney, probably. Oh, God. Yeah. She would have been like. Feeney, probably. Oh, God. Yeah, she would have been like, do you like that, Feeney? And he'd be like, indubitably, this is a delight. Yum, yum, is what I say. Yes, throttle my hog, young sweet meat. Take it deeper to the hilt. Put the balls into play.

You have neither a phone nor a camera, so this can go on uninterrupted. The perfect crime, Topanga. It's your word against mine, and I went to Oxford. I'm an adult. You're a little slut. Who will listen to you? No one. Man, those, I mean, I know, I know i'm not breaking the ground here but

fucking hey topanga got me so hard like almost like like almost to the point of passing out hard like the blood flow has been choked from my brain to my vein i guess i gotta dream this this is an age gap uh moment because and mine my uh my boner source was winnie cooper which was fred savage temple shut up did you see the guy that uh or it was a twitter account that shared a video of the wizard of oz and was like this is supposed to be the peak of cinema this is so low budget and it was just like it was 1939 what are you talking about it was done i didn't see that no it was annoying people were dunking on him and like a lot of things lately it could have been satire it could have been sarcasm but

anyway yes winnie cooper did not have them unfortunately for me but she didn't have to she had a hell of a smile she was very pretty yeah and uh until way later she got cross-eyed yeah she's got a little goofy eye situation going on now but she's like uh that'd be hot that's like john nova said but a chick she's she's still pretty hot now she's like a big mathematician you know who had him to a degree that she had to alter her body forever punky brewster oh that's right yeah punky got some dumpies not on the show no not on the show but uh oh yeah she was getting funky she was something up and it was a fat stack of f's stuff or maxim or both what was her name soleil moon fry soleil yeah think about that that's it you're welcome

I knew it too yeah fucking punky ooh yes yes and she would have been fucking easy to get your hands on you know she was like a runaway or a foster kid or whatever she was a foster kid yeah she lived with that old man

you knew what he was doing huh yeah this is a page no way this is free yep no page no way this is okay it's for everybody this is for the children i was a kid at this time i'm not attracted to her now you're too young it seems like you're too young for punky brewster no there was a nick at mine there was a crazy time on channel two where they would just throw up whatever fucking slop they could get their hands on yeah channel two was the was the wb yeah and it would be like one one day it would be like perfect strangers and you'd get into perfect strangers for a week and then it would be like mr belvedere for some reason for like four days

and it's like well no one's fucking caring about this alright they'll just put on DuckTales reruns and you're like sick they would do whatever they wanted yeah that's weird no no it was it was par for the course back then boss I guess

it's like when you were a kid and it'd be like Amos and Andy one night on the radio and then the next day they're announcing world war one everything was an ad ovaltine bazooka gum uh liberty bonds potatoes yeah they crisp when you cook them and that'll always be the truth this is my promise to you as your president herbert hoover hash browns will always be nice and crispy the way we want them and the water fountains will remain white so late we gotta have something yeah uh oh yeah so but putt-putt was fun but yeah uh we went to olive garden after putt putt

you were just 14 all over again yes laser tag olive garden and then what uh baskin robbins no there was no ice cream involved i actually maintained a vegan regimen besides cheese um i didn't i wanted the fucking lasagna okay i wanted the lasagna so bad yeah did you get it no i did not i got the all you can eat soup and salad of course oh so you're talking a little bit of shaved parmesan you're not talking mountain i was like vegan except for cheese like and then i got lasagna like okay so you had four pounds of cheese no yeah so emily when they they brought the bowl, there's five of us there, but she doesn't get that because she's got main character syndrome.

She just sees us as faceless NPCs. He's like, why won't my gun lock on? I don't want a free aim. So yeah, the guy's like, tell me when to stop with the cheese grater. And she's like, we don't want any cheese. And Katerina looked up from her phone and boston broke the bottle of wine and held it out in front of them we don't want any cheese who's we white man you got a fucking rat in your pocket we want cheese what the hell? Yeah, I was.

It was like that was that was part of it was within the 24 hour realm of me. Her being mad at me for falling asleep to the diddler documentary. And then we want we don't want cheese. What is who are you? Who am I married to over there? She's letting her freak flag fly. Oh, she is. I'm loving every minute of it. She had a tit we don't need cheese i've got milk oh dude so the family uh her uh her stepfather's daughter

so i guess her stepsister bridget makes a yearly family calendar and we just got ours and uh i was flipping through and the month of july there's all these photos of like you know the family like doing like summertime activities individual like you know like a collage of photos that she like turns in or whatever for some reason right in the middle there's a photo photo of Emmy with the most tit out I've ever seen from my wife. She's wearing like a crazy, like she has like a shawl on and she's on the beach. And I remember where it was. It was when we were in Florida. But it's like, why did you think this was a good idea to put this in the family calendar of emmy just hanging two fun balloons just total dump zone

2019 it's crazy i i had to facetime her i was like what the fuck is this and she was like oh my god what the fuck bridget she's not related to anybody so she can uh you know get off months and months yeah i guess but like this one goes out to all the uncles all the the stepbrothers all the cousins and nephews like it just right away made me think about one of her like you know the one of the younger cousins locking himself in the porta potty yeah she's gonna be topanga to several people in her family i wish she was topanga not a day goes by where i don't wish that i was married fucking topanga her parents were hippies the name of topanga you know she would do some weird shit dude reminds me of a girl when i was in ithaca who let a snake loose in the bed when we were

getting it on that would be every day with topanga yeah Yeah. What? Why is that a fond memory? What is wrong with you? Why is that an aside? She had this big ass snake. And we all lived in the same house together. It was before I moved into Goblin House. I was in a different communal living situation by Sammy's Pizza. And she let a snake loose.

It was fucking crazy. Did she say she was going to? Or did she just do it oh yeah she totally told me what was going on we'd spent like two hours watching the snake and hanging with the snake we took the snake on a walk by the river where she just put it underneath her hat and then put it on it was like one of those uh what was what was blossom's friend's name six six yeah you know six wore those hats was a total six hat yeah and then we saw some more the blossom also wore big hats well there's a big hat was employed in the 90s yeah so yeah

so let that snake loose and that's just like that's classic topanga you ever had a snake slippery sliming all over your body as you're trying to stay hard no no well you guys need to live yeah that's not a thing it is a thing when you live the bold beautiful life that i do we gotta go to ithaca you said i want to go to ithaca really bad but no one books comedy shows there yeah it sucks i talked to jordan jensen about it she's like i've never even done it i grew up there all right thanks for your help jordan not hit her with the not not joke yeah well three hours later you send the message not when she least expects it yes take that gordon genson uh pat's pat's moving out on the first man i don't know what i'm gonna do without my little boy

oh shit the end of an era end of the five-month reign of terror the attitude era yeah yeah before this it was it was all sergeant slaughter and then he came in and you know sable sable having him yeah remember i tried to whack off to sable one time and was not successful because vince mcmahon was right next door and you were like get out of there old man yeah i know what i did whack too a couple times was uh when they had that like live sex show with edge and lita what remember that yes that was like 2006 yep no that wasn't that was like 2000 no really it was yeah it was was later. You were a grown man. I was too old to be catching into that.

Did you pause when her boob was on screen? Yeah, well, when I moved in, I think you're right. Because I remember whacking to it in my first apartment. I had a laptop for the first time in my own space and i figured out how to like go like frame by frame so i remember i would go and this is awful i would go to bangbros.com and get the trailers and then they'd be like you know 90 seconds but i would like deep fry them and freak them out and i would just have one finger on the arrow button and i would tap slowly as i was yanking way too hard and just tap tap tap and make them at a snail's pace and that's what i did with that

lita video oh yeah god those were the days that's insane yeah it was he's coming on the floor like on the linoleum what yeah and leaving it no you i would have a sock on oh this is terrible i would blast and i would swipe it with my foot with a sock on oh my god yeah truly horrific shit and then go over to your mom's and be like it's laundry day no my mom still lived in denver at this point i was alone i was down there with bonzo and crusty they had an apartment on 13th and corona and i was over there at 16th and logan and oh my god yeah i would just spill i remember like the underside of that table was caked it was fucked up stalactites yeah it was fucked up oh my god

damn those are the days lasting at the underside of a table. Yeah. Yep. And that was back in the day when he was like uncorking a bottle of champagne where, you know, yeah. Nowadays it's just like a dog's last dribble before it dies.

Just the side of a fucking Malamute's face. Is it slack tongue? And that one drop of fucking no anyway guys this has been another episode of chubby parting words yeah from sam get it on the table talent yeah uh hey join the patreon we have so much fun over there people are joining in droves. We really appreciate everyone signing up. The revolution has began. Go over there and sign up. Chevy Behemoth on Patreon. Patreon.com

slash Chevy Behemoth. That's a fun thing to do. Fargo this weekend at the, I don't remember what it's called, front tap room. It's the basement of some bar over there. Fargo, Friday, Saturday. Grand Rapids is sold out. Both shows. Ann Arbor, The Blind Pig, March 4th. Torontoonto the 10th and 11th

uh like the royal comedy theater i don't know what it's called but hey this is a new one 12 13th and 14th if you're at south by southwest say hello because your boy finally got the call up finally whoa finally i'm doing south by i thought that guy hated me, and I think he did. But now, a lot of people weren't available, so I'm doing South by. Oh, shit. Yeah, I feel pretty cool about that. Providence, Rhode Island, Red Door, the 23rd. There are two tickets left.

There are literally two tickets left this morning. The 23rd, Providence, Red red door burlington comedy club in vermont the 24th 25th new hartford connecticut the 26th new york city the 30th second show added at union hall get in there you nasty sluts well tell me where you're gonna be i'm in the springs on saturday at the alexander hopefully that'll be a fun show nine o'clock start time and denver i'll be up there march 17th st patrick's day at a i believe a marijuana uh coffee spot called the coffee joint uh no booze so get trashed beforehand or bring your own booze in bring a shooter keep that they're breaking the law

they can't be mad at you for anything you do that's the rule about these kind of like gray area spaces nobody can be mad at me yeah bring your 17 year old girlfriend buyer buyer a joint all right live out your topanga fantasies at lun show march 17th becker what about you what do you got uh not not anything all right fair enough yeah well we appreciate you and now for some parting words we're gonna go to my main man nathan lund bang bang