Chubby Behemoth - Cause A Dent

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Clever Way Out. Lund Guy Defense. You're A Judge?   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

hey guys so good to see you guys good to see you too oh man look at us all back together having a nice time hell yeah let's do it let's do a shibuya roll call uh shibuya roll call becker i don't know this what is this he's insane he didn't even do it but wouldn't you start well i so that how it works is i say shibuya roll call and then i say one of your names and then you say here or present if you're a little dickhead uh and then you say another guy's name then they say they're they're also accounted for so ready okay okay shibuya roll call nathan here sam present becker you're a little dickhead here hey we're all here and it's another episode of chubby behemoth america's favorite place to hear the dudes tell the truth yeah yeah what were you

doing for the last couple minutes oh my computer did an automatic install of some kind of new adobe product so i was sitting here going lun's gonna be so mad at me where are you you look like you're in front of a cardboard box yeah so things have taken a dark turn in the town you're out emmy found out about my secret slime so now i'm living in the garage in a little box castle that i've erected kind of fun box fort yeah no one can tell me what to do in here i tell myself to do stuff like uh be warm so you can survive through the night and don't lick that you think it's water but it's not And don't lick that.

You think it's water, but it's not. It's you out there looking into the house and you see Pat and Emmy making dinner and laughing and watching TV together. You're just out there with your slime. Pat's wearing my clothes. Emmy's wearing Pat's clothes. It's very confusing. I've been cut out completely emmy's in the coal chamber now yeah and he's listening to the garden yeah man it's uh i'm just sitting in front of my wall in my writer's nook i have a little nook because i'm an artist i need my own space

no well emmy has a standing emmy has a standing desk just on the kitchen counter. That's where she's operating. I know you do. Well, you have a bunch of books stacked up on your laptop on top of it. No. You have a bunch of Archie comics and old Juggs magazines. You're acting like you're running a Fortune 500 company. No, I'm not.

How could you take that as me bragging i'm just i have a standing desk i like to stand look at me i'm gonna live forever meanwhile my knee hurts i need a new knee you're sitting cross-legged in the hut you're a gato the shibuya roll call is a whole thing shibuya roll call you didn't do you didn't explain it or do it here you don't just say here do you say shibuya roll call again no it doesn't matter so lund can you walk me through it because when i was over there i kept saying shibuya roll call because we were staying in shibuya and emily was like i don't know what that is and i was like i think that it's like a girls like playground game with like a jump rope or like a patty cake situation probably probably yeah well i think of the office where they say shibuya yeah yeah

shibuya roll call and then my name is my name is pam i don't do drugs i fuck jim because he's my husband shibuya yeah yeah shibuya roll call and then yeah it's a whole other thing and you you gave the cliff's notes version of it well yeah i didn't i didn't know that the office uh you know shat on at the sacred child's game that i remember from volunteering at my dad's special needs school. You don't remember it at all because if that's what Dave was doing I told you you were a volunteer. Hey Augie are you here?

All right Shibuya roll call. My dad's drunk. He doesn't know where any of the kids are. I know a clever way out of this. I know how to get them out of their holes. Yeah. i know how to get them out of their boxes in the garage uh yeah becker i used to volunteer no big deal i feel like maybe you were just told you were a volunteer no i was actually like you're a student teacher it was uh yeah actually getting my mfa at the time

no i had to because i got like five mips in high school damn yeah so yeah one of them i volunteered at my dad's school another one for community service me and stephan williamson coached a baseball team all summer that was a lot of fun cop was like you want to keep drinking you ended up in here for life they're not gonna let you out of here i was like it's kind of good in here there's a bunch of slime all the slime i can fondle apple slices pre-sliced dude i've been eating apples heavy it's cool you should see some of these little ropes that i've been laying whoa that's rad you're looking in the toilet right now whoa yeah well i just have a bunch of blown up photos uh in my nook of cool turds the cool turn of the week

you get a box in the mail those those colon blow boxes they advertise all the time during the nfl games what the heck who's pooping in the box whose job is it like you work at the post office you're constantly fearing a co-worker going ballistic and shooting your head off and now you gotta deal with some guy's turd in a box that's not fun that's not why you went to post guy school what the nfl's encouraging people to shit in boxes well they're advertising during nfl games because i think a lot of the people who watch nfl games like dump every fortnight you know because of all the wings

and queso they're consuming while sitting on the couch and screaming come on delvin cook i just need one more touchdown out of you oh man can i tell you guys about when i got my like fifth mip and i had to go live with an alcoholic yeah dude oh yeah that was dark yeah that was dark but the one before that was me and stephan coached a baseball team and we had like eighth graders they were running nicknames it's like a tugboat ice cream sandwich little mickey big mickey speedy gonzalez he happened to be lentino that was a different time it was cool it was 2002 yeah it was cool we used to leave cheese in his glove jesus you were hazing the troubled teens no they were in eighth grade and we won we won the whole damn thing we took the cup we were the best

yeah because you gave them steroids yeah we gave them steroids and cigarettes you say hey if you whack a dinger you're gonna honk my girlfriend she's 17 she's gonna she's gonna dump them out she drinks a lot of milk so don't worry they're there oh they're there And they are veiny. Yeah. When a young girl got them early and the veins popped in. Oh, oh, yeah. Oh, I'm getting getting worked up.

I have to cut another hole in this box. Well, what? It was cool back then. Yeah. It's funny that they ran out of shit for you to do as far as community service. It was like, pick up garbage up garbage go volunteer coach a team uh i don't know there's this drunk fuck you could hang out with him for a while yeah you're gonna clean his gutters and mow his lawn he was like still actively drunk too yeah he's wasted yeah he was just tanked drinking bush light and being like you want to wind up like me?

And I was like, I don't know. You own this place, right? Double wide. That was a Sega Genesis I saw in there, wasn't it, sir? You say your honor. You're a judge. That's right. Only man can judge a man.

Check this out before I forget. Let's hear it. Last night at the bar uh when i was closing up it was busy we had pool league ladies pool league and then karaoke and it was busy and at the end of the night in one of the women's uh stalls there's a little toilet or there's a toilet and then there's a little trash can and there was a pair of undies in there and i was like oh shit what the but i didn't get too excited because i think it was period related oh what would have excited you in that moment there was a note that said hey bartender here's a tip put these in your mouth hey here's your new face mask yeah no i knew it was bad news immediately because i know how i know how

that goes with stashing some undies oh dude for sure bed baths and beyond right before oh that's bad you've done that you've had to ditch them oh yeah i used to drink apple juice all the time in high school and then drive around in my very low to the ground town car and i have to be like well guys we gotta make a pit stop before we go see x-men 2 i've told you guys that story that was a classic yeah uh yeah chinese man me david bory stephen williamson i turded had to go in and ditch the stash and the bed bath and be on i shit myself on a car lot once yeah see you're getting into the season yeah i was sick and my dad got all excited to go look at the the new car they had down on the lot that was rare and we drove over to see it and i shit my pants while

i was in the back lot and had to like strip and ditch my boxers before any salesman made it over to us you had to do that in front of your father my dad was keeping watch he like wasn't watching me he was like i don't know ditch him throw him under a car i'll keep an eye out and turn around like looking over the car very obviously doing something naughty back in the back of the lot how old were you oh fuck 14 i bet your dad was so proud of you he's like that's my boy so excited to see this new car that he shit his damn pants i genuinely only remember this because when i was in the springs visiting my parents on the way to denver last week we drove through motor

city and he just started cackling and was like you remember when you shit yourself at phil long toyota hey little becker remember when you couldn't wait to see that pt cruiser unveiling you're like i sure do big becker your mom's like what am i and you're like talking too much you are mama balls i'm mama b having some water that feels good her name is wall weber i told emmy to bring a bunch of underwear to japan because that's my big travel hack is just bring more underwear than you ever need because god knows you're gonna do laundry well so yes becker thank you for getting to the quick uh i did intend to unload some of her soiled undies but i the guy that i talked to online he was actually he was a liar he wasn't real yeah yeah what do you mean you went to an alley at 2 a.m and nobody showed up no some guy hit me up on reddit and he's like i heard you're going to japan if you want to unload

a bunch of your wife's underwear this is where you go well i like that's wild i know i remember us joking about i don't remember a real well i guess he wasn't real but a potentially real lead well yeah because i wanted to like come back with this triumphant story of uh you know a business acumen but yeah he's like you go here and you like it's like it's like a laundromat you go in you talk to the guy you give him the bag he gives you money so i like put it into our itinerary i was like emmy we have to go um look at this bridge it's the oldest bridge in shinjuku so yeah we went over there and there was no laundromat at the address and i was just like

well there was something to do with this pillowcase filled with soiled undies there was just like a sign for a business that said something like big fat man. So yeah, prank on you. He got me. Ah, big fat man. All right. Jake, meet the fat man. I was young when that came out.

I'm surprised you remember that. But it was on UPN when you were young. Well, that was me and Becker's first podcast before we brought you on. Oh, how'd it go? Very poorly. It bombed. It was Becker. It was Becker led.

It was a Becker star vehicle. My name wasn't even in the credits. I was just the fat man. Right. I remember thinking that was wild as a kid like i don't know when when that came out but when i saw that i was like what that's a show that seemed insane that you would call it that like whoa a show for guys like me i was a little sensitive boy no i thought it was crazy i thought it was me yeah you're like no one should be called

jake what a shitty name the 80s this is thes. We're supposed to be cool now about bigger bodies. Yeah, they really embraced fat people back then. The fattest guy they had on air was that dude on Good Times who had the hat on. He would, like, dance a little bit. He's, like, 190 pounds. Yeah. Well, the janitor was even bigger. They had a bigger boy on that show?

Yeah, the janitor. Buffalo butt. I wasn't allowed to watch it oh man yeah it's dynamite it was too inflammatory said my mother oh no she didn't like their treatment of john amos yeah she hated how they treated legendary film and stage actor john amos yeah he for my money the best porgy and best of all time okay oh my god when he sings old man river that motherfucker tears it up we had to watch it in high school in thespian club and i was like secretly crying because i don't look at me laura

if i want to finger you i could have gotten you there no it got me to a whole new place i didn't know existed a place of emotional awareness she was old school and wanted her guys to be men i don't know what she was i never figured her out that's the other thing that's standing up you're exhausted oh you've been upright for 13 minutes you're fine you missed this uh i told pat and becker i switched to almond milk because i'm a bad boy now i'm also not recycling yes and i think it's temporary because i gotta go back to oat i i don't know if i can continue being the bad boy of trinidad you're me in 2020 but it's it is good almond milk is uh solid it's almost in here right now a lie but it makes me feel good to know that

i'm not like blowing it i don't know you mean that you're not blowing it by consuming animal products no that almond milk takes so much water that it's like insane that it's even a thing you eat beef and chicken right not a lot yeah right there's a genocide of generations of beef inside of you. I didn't go keto for two years like you and cause a dent in the amount of animal products that were available. I was telling people I was keto, but really I was eating pasta every morning. You closed 17 Jack in the Boxes across the Midwest. Yeah, because I made some bad investments. I wasn't liquid when I bought them. All right. It's my bad i posted i posted a photo of me and emmy uh dressed up in japanese gear and i was really waiting for people to be like that's appropriation how dare you but everyone's loving

it sam t gets away with another one were you not i thought maybe you were supposed to or like given those while you were at a a place we were we went to a tea ceremony there you go when i was there it was a sam tea ceremony when you were there it was a low tea ceremony i'll bet you couldn't stop saying that and emily elbowed you in the ribs well i did get a little bit of a pickle over there because i got a case of the giggles because of the swaths or because of the sam t ceremony well sam t sam t ceremony set the table for a problematic giggle spray but then so it's this tea ceremony and emily was like we got to do it and i was like it sounds cool for me right so uh they dress emmy in like a beautiful silk kimono and they do her hair and they do her makeup and meanwhile i'm on the other side of a uh paper partition and there's a tiny japanese woman trying to fit me in different

robes and uh the first rope she puts on me like it doesn't fit and she's like you know and i'm like i know i'm very big so she has to go she climbs up a ladder and pulls down a box and inside the box there's the biggest robe anyone's ever seen and that one also barely fits me and there's a bunch of other there's like two other dudes there who are also american and uh they got handed a pair of pants when they came in and she looked at me and she looked at the pants then she said you wear yours you wear yours they didn't have pants for me and then when she put the robe on me she got out the belt there's like this little like ceremonial belt and she went to tie it around me which was just her putting her entire arms around me and burying her face in my belly because she couldn't reach her arms weren't long enough to

behind me so i start laughing and she starts laughing and i say very big very big and she's laughing so i help her tie that off and then me so i'm you know we're giggling we're having a nice time and then me and emmy go and we pose for photos in this rock garden with all the other tourists who were at the tea ceremony it was a bunch of american kids one of them was the little he was a fucking like 23 year old dwangus otaku kotaku just a little uwu kawaii type uh who was with like two super hot chicks. And I think that they like, I think that he was their artistic brother or something. Cause he definitely wasn't getting any ends off these girls.

He wasn't skinning, you know? And then there was also a girl who was from Israel there who had to take her picture. Cause she was by herself. You know, she was there admiring the OG ethnostate Japan. So we only sit in this little room and they're like, take pictures.

You know, they're like, hey, man, take a picture. You know, I'm doing a different accent. Hey, take a picture, man. It'll last longer. Hey, bro. It's me, Elias. Take a picture. So they leave me in this Israeli woman and Emily in this room.

And immediately I go stand in front of this like sick like it's a little elevated platform and there's like a cool scroll on the wall and then there's like a bowl like a like a it looks like a ceremonial like uh like a bird feeder and i get up there and as soon as i step up on it you just hear as the floor which is made of bamboo crumples a little bit beneath me the strongest material in the natural world right outside of hemp bamboo is your number two all right so my box is made out of that's debated hotly debated in japan because they hate him um so yeah so i get up there then the lady comes back in with all the t-. And she's like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm like, oh, what? So I get down.

No, she commits a book. Yeah. Yeah. She's like, no, is very sacred area this is sacred area in the tea room like you're not allowed near it so first thing i do in the tea room is crush the sacred area underneath my feet and then we all have to sit down in this horseshoe pattern as the lady his little old lady leads us through this tea ceremony and she says i'm already like having a hard time taking this thing seriously because you know we're all sitting on the ground like being very polite as she's like and we drink the tea you know i'm like trying

to be good you want to riff the whole time and this is the least riff friendly place in the world it's like a 1300 year old ceremony that they've perfected to show honor and dignity to their guests and she says there's four important parts of the tea ceremony and i can't remember the first one but you were trying to come up with the second one no i was i was listening but then she said so the first one was like let's say like you know bow she's like bow say k y so i hear cky so the whole time she leads us through this very quiet like you're supposed to like it's like a form of meditation and you're supposed to be quiet and like listen to uh you're supposed to

listen to like the tink of the glasses and like the cup the spoon going in the bowl like that's all part of it and the whole time that she's like doing this like very ornate ceremony in my head all i hear is you're rocking out i am i'm giggling as this tiny little japanese woman is like doing the thing she's perfected and i'm like giggling like trying to control myself because the whole cky situation i'm like i'm literally like biting my lip emmy's like nudging me in the ribs you know but then after she gets done with this and i like cool my shit off there's that little weird autistic fuck is like all the guys are sitting cross-legged the girls are sitting like knees on the ground and then their butts are on the back of their heels yeah you know that move yes the kneel that only girls can do and people who don't have testicles i've done i can do it you can do it because you

did jujitsu for a long time exactly okay exactly that's called that's called seiza seiza okay so you're the little autist in this situation and the lady is looking at all of us and i'm seated to her left at the start of the horseshoe and and i'm seated to her left at the start of the horseshoe and he's seated seated to her right at the end of the horseshoe and she turns to him and she says oh you can sit in traditional style you must practice martial arts and he says yes jujitsu and she says oh you are little ninja she said that it was over it was over it was wrapped it was wrapped on the t-dog i was like i act like i was coughing i had to do that

oh and emily knew too that she because the lady was like you are a little ninja and she like I acted like I was coughing. I had to do that. Emily knew too. Because the lady was like, you are a little ninja. And she looked at the room like she was revealing a sacred truth. We didn't know what ninjas were. You are a little ninja. So yeah, the next 20 minutes was just me wiping away tears as I suppressed one of the worst laughing fits in the history of humor so yeah the ceremony went without a hitch those are some of the best laughs or the forbidden laughs i've talked about

dicking around in church and it just being so fun because you know you're not supposed to so fun because you know you're not supposed to and uh and in class too you had a fucking hard-ass teacher that didn't want any mirth with uh the room full of children yeah you probably had like a korean war vet up there just reliving the horrors of denang mostly had women teachers and they were no wonder you turned out so soft. I'll kick your ass right now. Get down here. Yeah, I'm ready. I call it ready position. I'm lower than you. Low man wins.

Not when I knee you in the face. I'll block. I am little ninja. Yeah. I know how to sit in senpai. What was it called, Becker? Seiza. Senpai's assistant teacher teacher sensei's assistant teacher that's me uh shibuya roll call on that ass it is funny that she just didn't encourage any of

the american men to sit that way because she didn't want the tea ceremony interrupted by everyone cramping up she said if you must put your legs out straight there's no right way to sit at a tea ceremony and then that kid just like sat there like you know there's like he'd been training his entire life to be able to sit correctly at a tea ceremony his whole thing is japanese stuff yeah i wanted to put his head through one of those paper walls he's like sitting over there what are you a catcher yeah you should be thanking us because if it weren't for us everyone would be sitting that way he's also american what did your dad oh your dad in germany yeah said if it weren't for

was that real or did you make that up? No, that was real. Some comedy club booker in Springfield, Missouri was calling me. But I'll get back to him on my own time. Not the Blue Room? I didn't want to say it, but yes, the Blue Room. Oh. Should I call him back right now, live on the pod?

No. Say, Chris. Hello. Hello, Crisco. Why haven't you had me back i was the opening weekend what did i do what did i do to you did i sit senpai too long did i talk about japan too much hey man i can't get enough japan stuff oh i didn't mean like talking about your trip i meant like just blasting somebody with a bunch of facts about like feudal Japan.

Oh, I don't know shit about Japan. I know it's old. I know this is pretty sick. They had a samurai dictatorship for like 800 years. And it was overthrown by farmers who figured out how to use the few tools that were left behind so that they could farm to beat the shit out of people in full armor on horses. They called it going Donatello on that ass. Yeah. That's where nunchucks come from. It was actually bands

of corn. Nunchuck. Nunchucks are for rolling rice grain. Nunchapo. You can say there's a million different names for Michelangelo's weapon of choice. Nunchacha. There's no wrong way to say nunchuckles have you posted a trailer hitch size of a trailer is yes uh senpai as we say

i tell you about eating chonko chonko no sumo food it's what the sumos eat it's like 8 000 calories per bowl that little bowl that was no no sorry like per like like an actual sumo serving they'll eat like okay bushels of rice and then chonko chonko and it's really fun to say this big old sumo guy served it to me like an old sumo dude who was smoking cigarettes and i was like oh chonko sumo food he was like sumo food and i was like yes he's doing the voice it really made me smile yes come on talk to me more daddy come with it now and he was like if you want me to do the voice you have to pay i'll do whatever you want as long as the end keep coming fat man go ahead well i was gonna ask if you saw any like really weird very uh japanese specific stuff raw horse meat whoa raw donkey meat how was that i only had a bite of cooked horse meat i didn't have any raw horse meat because

that seemed a bit insane in front of my wife who i was trying to blast later on the train ride home stuff to get your white off wife all wet when you're full of raw horse meat hey baby how turned on were you when i ate that pony nasty style yeah but i don't know horse meat just kind of tastes like beef nothing crazy right but they love donkey meat or mule meat they they make mules for their milk and their meat mule can't breed make mules for their milk and their meat. Mule can't breed. I don't trust it.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I've always said that. You know, I've always said that. Is it better to be alive as an impotent mule or would you rather make the sacrifice? No, they get fucking swole. They just can't nut. Are they nut blank? Yeah stare they're sterile they're not yeah very okay yeah who cares god quit fact checking me well i'm just there's a huge difference you said would you rather be alive and be impotent or do you rather be alive and be able to breed yeah well i was talking about the

life of a mule so i didn't think it would matter that much of it i was talking about boners also you want to open that door would you rather be me open the flap i live in a box would you rather be able to get hard and not uh not well no i guess you not right yeah you know you just don't have any swimmers in your guys. Your eggs are all white. There's no yolk. You wouldn't have to castrate them because you get to. You know what I'm saying? You wouldn't have to worry about it.

You would be able to not. I was thinking about George Michael doesn't have nut balls so he can get hard, but he can't come. Why are you getting george michael hard he gets himself hard he gets horned up yeah okay it gets pretty lonely down there in t-dad huh i show him i show him playboys and stuff oh yeah playboys like this one whoa where'd that come from it? It's in the box. Yeah, it's pretty cool in the box, Lund. I got Anna Nicole Smith and Vince McMahon interviews on this one. Vince McMahon, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

This is your favorite one, isn't it, Lund? I remember that one. Well, and the one that AJ gave us, shout out AJ. This is from AJ. She sent it to my house to give to you because you refused to give out your address. That's the good one. It's not going to be the good one when you get your hands on it. She gave us one where

she's on the cover, but she doesn't have a... AJ was? No. Anna Nicole. But she's not in the issue, so I don't really understand how that... Don't wreck the box. It blows away. You have to't really understand how that. Don't wreck the box. It blows away. You have to chase it down the street.

It's revealed that I'm actually sitting in the White House. I'm in the Oval Office. Biden's just waiting for you to finish this podcast. Yeah. He's over there with a six foot gravity bong. It's all filled up with clam chowder. He's like, I'm in a mess I'm in a damn mess again he's tapping into old slippery Joe

put soup in my goddamn bong shit that means I've been eating water out of this bowl oh no wonder I thought it was his watery soup every day is a damn mystery to Joe

am I Joe soup every day is a damn mystery to joe am i joe tokyo tokyo joe oh shit they i just thought about them people giving him the questionnaire like my grandpa to get into the home who's the president he would get it right on the second try yeah no joe his hands on a bible well it's in the constitution you get two takes at it who put all this chowder in the damn bible oh damn this keeps happening to all my all my books are wet with chowder

at least it wasn't manhattan that red liquid stains i talk like steven seagal i'm joe biden man you've had it dialed in a couple times yeah i got that biden down that was mostly what i did on my trip to Japan was just impressions of Joe Biden. Hi, everybody. I'm Joe Biden. Hey, it's me, Joe. Remember when you all voted for me? That's some kind of weird guilt.

What? Because you were afraid of the revolution. I voted for that other guy, man. I didn't even vote for me, man. Actually, I just ended up, when I cast my vote, filling the ballot box with chowder. It's Delaware style. It's all filled with credit cards. He's in a little voting booth.

My house is nice. Just chowder flowing out from underneath. Hey, the president needs a new pair of pants. You're not the president yet, Joe. Wait, who's Joe? You? Me. Me, Joe Joe.

Joe Joe Memo. Mitch Jones was like, I really want to go to Japan. And I was like, I don't know, dude. You love weed and you're huge you both are illegal there i don't think i don't think it's for you brother did you really go to that steakhouse ribera yeah they invited me in off the street no no they sent me a message it was a guest of honor no yeah i got a cool right bear steak jacket. How'd you get the jacket? You'll never know, will you?

Well, I thought it was a wrestling thing. It is. They only give them to the true Yokozunas. You were like, hey, I've done commentary on several professional wrestling matches. They were like, we know. Jewish wrestler Royce Isaacs told us you were coming. they were like we know jewish wrestler royce isaacs told us you were coming he's like they were like yes we tried to give him a ceremony in the shrines but something about the decorations upset him

i keep getting suggested fucking like nazi documentaries on netflix i think it's because all the swat talk i've been doing on the pod. Why does Netflix know about that? Because they hear me through my phone. And also I record right next to my smart TV. So I'm just like, SWAT this, SWAT that, flap attack, let's go Joe. And then it's just like, you might enjoy this. The teeth they left behind.

Shoes for dinner. A story of struggle. Dude, have you seen Last of Us yet, Be no dude it's not out yet is it oh it just uh it just came out it's out badass i started playing that game and it's the first one and it's hard there's the shooting uh mechanism or whatever is weird i didn't like it what you're so old it wasn't hard it was like the best game ever i don't well i guess i like uh when it just you like auto lock red dead 2 auto lock yeah yeah you're just standing up not having to aim at all. I'm the cowboy. It's also like, OK, in real life, you wouldn't like you wouldn't like wildly fire all over the place as you're trying to kill something.

So I shouldn't have to worry about it. I don't know. You're not a hand eye guy. That's all. Oh, I am. No, you're more of a you're more of a hand crunch wrap guy. Hand, foot, mouth disease. That's all right. I mean, Becker, I asked if you watched Last of Us because I figured it was something that represented your culture, much like Lund. Have you seen The Whale yet?

Have you seen Hunters? Hunters. Now, tell me more about this it's the al pacino uh amazon prime show where young jewish people led by this old jewish man hunt down nazis and kill them dream i keep having the first season came out like three or four years ago and then because of covid and production times the second season just came out. But it's really good. No, I have not seen Hunters.

It's dope. The twist in the first season is wild. What's the twist? Shut up. Let's just watch it. Yeah, you're going to watch it. Maybe I'll maybe I watch it. How are you going to watch eight hours of television standing up? I don't always stand up.

Yeah, right. You're a stand-up guy speaking of standing up lond you're gonna be performing standing up comedy at the lincoln lodge on january 27th that'll be nice yeah i'm excited one take one shot at it huh i don't know what to call it you're special yeah oh. Oh, good. Let Lund live. Live, laugh, Lund. No, none of us. Oh, good. It's funny. All lives matter.

All Lunds matter. No. Yeah. That'd be cool. Reverse Nazi hunters. Reverse Nazi hunters. Just Nazis hunting Jews. I know. Oh, nice. reverse nazi hunters just nazis hunting jews i know this is like a 100 year old woman preparing tea very ornately and then just in your head

thinking about jess margera what'd you smell uh i have my assist is active um we don't need to get into that doing oh you don't like it when i want to dissect your uh every move you're itching your balls in your head all the time and often your face after your balls and then your ass but i have a wound leaking and you want to make fun of me interesting we, stop poking it and then slipping your fingers and you'll be okay. As I was over here telling everyone to go see your standing up comedy special taping at Lincoln Lodge. I found 27. Someone posted about it on the Chubb Instagram yesterday.

Nice. Yeah. That was nice of them to think about someone else yeah uh i'm looking forward to it i got no way noel and byron and graham all the stars are there on the show rob leeson couldn't make it rob was like oh i have dinner uh i have dinner plans with my wife let me see what i can do and i was like well i'm also gonna do the two of the shows at the lodge on saturday he was like all right i'll see you then okay let's give my regards to chela thanks rob

bring becker with you no yeah bring becker i want to go but i don't think i should take any time off of work for a while. Hey, let Creech do a little work for once in her damn life. Creech has been busting it out. The three of them have had to work a lot. When you have a four-person crew and one of them is out, you guys have had to do a lot of weird

juggling. You had to go juggle Joe Pera and then Looney Tunes Symphony, Part Deux. That was before. Slight return. Also, I just want to say Joe Pera bombing at a theater show brought me no joy. You weren't rock hard.

You would have liked it. Hearing that brought me no joy whatsoever. Because it was good. It was just like it wasn't working yeah that doesn't fill me with happiness at all oh i love it yeah i don't like to hear that one bit you call the theater hey so if you want somebody to not eat shit para style why don't you book old sam t yeah if you want someone to give people their tickets value let me come in there that's all i'm saying yes nasty talk in the box

let's make a patreon goal where if we get enough you and i both get our noidles taken out and lay up next to each other for eight weeks oh that's the thing is i want to take the time off i don't either i can't afford to take two months off to let my butt heal yeah i know emily's like you'd have to at least take a month and i'm like no just every six weeks i'm gonna reek for a couple of days yeah big deal what else is new baby you know what you signed on you know what this was when you fucking signed the paper bitch what are you talking about the cyst yeah all in the idle cyst yeah it's kind of like the new thing that uh true players have it's me becker nick mullen yeah we're growing tails baby yeah assisted suicide that's's what Emily's been practicing.

No, I just ate a nut with my cyst hand. That was unfortunate. Wow. That was truly one of the worst things I've ever experienced. And I ruined a tea ceremony. Yeah, but AJ Splendor, shout out out sent us this porno mag so you can uh try and get your little nump to rump and then uh she sent me an old ass copy of uh faulkner's mosquitoes from 1955 i think it's the first edition she sent me a boob mug and she sent emmy a delightful michigan puzzle so if you guys want to send me uh stuff go

ahead and do it because i respect you guys wait uh fuck oh yeah you asked me for my address did you send me something he sent it to me no i sent um i sent you one becker and i sent one to one okay i haven't gotten anything but you got it becker yeah the one of my house is addressed to both of us i've been meaning to show it to you what is it it's a really funny postcard and what's it say becker oh let me go grab why don't you go generate some content that i sent from thousands of miles away yeah let me go grab it now that becker's gone we can talk about how much we want to fuck him and assist yeah let's crack that thing wide open you guys could go cyst to cyst oh god that'd be a funny thing if we if we hit 500 patreon subscribers we're gonna put our cysts up against your ears lund and you can hear our insights yeah We'd have to burn down the house after that stink. Yeah, it's bad.

Hey, look at that. It shows a bunch of cartoon men building a wall. Yes, it does. And it says Lund Becker. We had two fans in Berlin and both of them took great joy in telling me I'm a Lund guy. The virus is spreading.

Love y'all. And then it's addressed to black Jake Becker. I'm so nice to my friends. That must have been cool to have two people in Berlin be like, ah, I love the pod. Well, yeah,

one of them was like, one of them just came up and was like, Hey, love the pod. I'm a Lund guy. And then like walked away. Yeah. And then the other one was like this handsome redheaded guy who was like,

I love the podcast, man. I'm a Lundman. I'm Lundman. Lund is the fear we all need. He was really nice. His girlfriend was hot. I can't remember his name. I think it was like

Gulag or Borpko. Some German name. Borpko? I think that's Czech. I don't remember, but he was very nice. That's wild. I thought you asked for my address when you're in japan i did dummy okay yeah maybe wait it's coming from a very far away i also had dinner with some old friends

in denver while i was up there name names and uh matt rodriguez okay also friends of kim but he told me immediately he was like dude i started listening to the pod i'm a lun guy it is spreading yeah what sucks about that is it was it's like a line from the pod so you don't have to mean it so i think no one means it well i think some people mean it but i better not i'll burn this thing to the ground. What? Your box? Yeah. The pot.

I've been looking for an insurance claim. Your honors. They kept telling me that they were Lund guys, so I had to burn the house down. I snapped. You family annihilate. Pat and Emmy both just dead in their beds. Drowned Pat in toilet noodles. That's how he wants to go.

The Lund guy defense. Look, like 20 people said they were Lund guys on a podcast that i co-host i thought they were being ironic but some of them were telling the truth i snapped yes we yes we in lund guy lund the judge is like look you sound like a super spy right now no the judge is a lung guy i'm fucked yes the lawyer leans over uh so i got bad news for you this judge is a total lung guy total Lund guy. Fence backfire. Eight of the twelve jurors are Lund guys. We gotta try to get a couple of them out of here.

Samty Nation will be a prison cell. Samty Area Nation. I don't like that. Let me distance myself from that immediately. Say it and then move away from it. Yeah, don't clip that. Look at this.

Little Gordy replacement. Pat's shoe toy. Did you confront Pat about the photograph in his bed? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Okay. What were the answers? Well, it turns out I put it there.

It was funny because Toby sent it to our house and it's signed on the back. It's his daughter's name and then her high school and the year she graduated. So it looked like it was funny because toby sent it to our house and it's signed on the back it's it's his daughter's name and then like her high school and the year she graduated so it looked like it was personalized to one p rich but uh yeah no i just put it in there and then he was like what's this lol ooh pat's not drinking yeah sober pat man he's going sober for the whole year i doubt it come on man you're supposed to be supportive i'm supposed to be supportive but i know pat and yeah he's gonna cut himself some slack in like mid-february no no no you yeah i mean i'm i'm i believe in him i'm happy for him he said for the year whoa yeah he's gonna lose a bunch of weight no he's not i didn't oh yeah but you you weren't

really addicted to booze you're just a compulsive consumer i just need to put stuff in yeah constant put in like pudding put it in you put it in and then you feel better feel better about it tonight uh well no that is good uh i don't know how sloppy he's gotten up there um i don't know i mean i never really thought it was a problem i just flip him over onto his belly and let him be you know oh yeah you do want to be on your put a couple more mini oreos on his butt crack and go to bed well that's funny that it was a prank because emmy seemed sincere about you not spilling those beans and so it got me like excited that it was real oh yeah no emmy's

a great straight man or a gay woman she's a great straight woman uh damn yeah i was like oh my god like that was it almost felt scandalous where it's like what the fuck no uh he's a good boy i've had people ask me about it oh no that's not what we want i'm glad i mean i think it was yeah or did i tell the truth are you puppet mastering me right now puppetry of the beanie oh man yeah so i i mean becker are we gonna get our cyst drained or what dude yeah what do we going to get our cysts strained or what? Dude, yeah. What do we have to hit for both of us to be able to take two months off and then do like a live stream of us laying in bed high on drugs laughing at things?

I don't know. At least a thousand. A thousand Patreon subscribers. Okay. Let's come up with a goal for 500. I don't know why we don't have more Patreon subscribers. We're an excellent podcast. We tell it how it is we're uh you know open to all kinds of people yeah we're getting there i don't know it's a slog it's a slog man i know hey so this is a free episode

officially so go ahead guys and join that patreon so me and becker can get our sis cut out of our fucking tailbones yeah so you can sit with confidence yeah lun you can stand over us and bring us more pork rinds miso pork soup no lun don't do the voice miso pork no that's not what they say okay oh i had burnt miso soup oh my god oh the ramen man they have ramen machines over there you just walk up you put your order in you put your yen in there your fake money in the arcade that is japan then you sit down and someone brings you soup 24 7 god damn it they figured it out god damn it i could be in japan right now if I didn't have to hang out with your dumb asses. Go over there and get them to legalize weed.

Yeah, they're not going to do that. I think that was why that prime minister got assassinated was because as he killed him, he was like, legalize it. Legalize it. I want to be able to chief keith man well well i'm not going to say that but i have a funny idea why they can't legalize it um and i'll tell you guys on the patreon you can subscribe to that uh patreon.com slash show me behemoth go ahead and join the revolution let's get up to 500 subscribers so that uh we could what will be our 500 person goal lun what do you think um we do something crazy like each of us have to eat a big pizza let's get well that would be crazy for you if you do it soon because we heard about how pizza

wrecked you after coming back from a cheeseless nation god yeah it destroyed me but i'm okay now i'm back on my vegan bullshit for a while you and pat bettering yourselves while i do nothing i thought about i thought i thought about trying to like lose you literally are doing nothing yeah literally i wasn't lying like you uh i thought about trying to like eat healthy before the podcast record or the special recording and i was like man i don't want to do that i don't want to deprive myself of anything before i go and do this thing might as well be big i'll just be big well that's what i did before i did that comedy central thing is i like cut water weight for the

two weeks beforehand and i looked fucking great on that risk that special recording you know that comedy central presents yeah god i was so fuckable everyone was like god i want him on top of me and beside me and sliding all around i was on keto mary wiles kept going up to people that they're filming because she was tanked and she was like stand back this man's in ketosis don't smell his breath yeah whatever you do don't smell his pits the cyst is active but yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna cut out uh cut out some of that bullshit before i do this don't tell comedy filming in la not even in la it's in santa barbara everyone hitting me up about where the la show is turns out it's nowhere near la it's two hours away in santa barbara so i won't be seeing sharpie or brent gill at all so that's a lot of fun when's this

uh the 27th the night that lun's filming i'm filming in la fuck except it's not la it's santa barbara i know yeah my like rich uncle lives there i would have come out and seen that we could have crashed at his mansion and smoked all this dope weed why don't you do that because i can't take time off till dave's, man. Who are you more loyal to? Mutiny Coffee, which doesn't give a shit about you, or me, Sam Talent, the fat man. No, I can't hang Megan and Tegan out to dry, man. Oh, yeah, Tegan and Megan. That'd be great.

Lund's out of town. You're out of town. Tegan and Megan just fucking on the cappuccino machine. Give it to me, baby Jim. Give it to me, baby Jim. That was Creech? Yeah yeah it's great and tegan's like call me lund call me lund i'm a boat i'm a boat ride me around that'd be fun well when you let creech take a younger lover no why not i don't want her to i thought you were above all

that no we got a good thing going so yeah how about you don't thank you for yes ending me yeah would you let emmy no but i give it to her i give her the juice you don't give her what she needs. I give her everything she needs. Put my chin in there and say, feed me, Seymour. You put your cyst in there. You go cyst to vag, which is not legal. I have cystic fibrosis. How's that make you feel? Think about that next time.

Makes me feel strong. I i mean you're talking shit meanwhile you're fibrosin all over the place so yeah i don't like standing up lund it literally looks like you're looking down on me right now even though we're in a computer screen but yeah i look like a giant right now yeah only right now Yeah, only right now. Just kidding. I'm still 5'10". Yeah, you're 5'10", man. I'm loving every minute of it. In heels.

Becker, what if you just put a cardboard cutout up at the store and then just a pot of coffee on the table in front of you? It would almost work during this season. It would be very close to not being reported. Yeah, Carlos isn't going to be able to tell the difference the most stoned man alive i tell you guys there's no sunglasses in japan yes yes please don't bring it up again okay well i just want to make sure i hit all the fucking theories these aren't theories these are just observations from a stranger in a strange land that's where the rising sun a lot of their cool guys in anime

are wearing sunglasses so you think it would have caught on yeah it's like it's a cartoon or something only yeah but it's huge there oh i know it's huge dude there was a seven-story dragon ball z building jesus i know yeah i was i tried to fuck go ahead that cartoon has like porno in it over there yeah too much radiation coco's going budokai on that little ass yeah i wish i knew any of their names so i could riff on it but i don't know any the dragon ball guys names goku pingo isn't pingo one of them could be i think pingo's the green one from the files of sam t yeah i tried to buy a portable typewriter over there and the guy didn't speak english and i was just pissed but i couldn't really there was no justification for me being pissed because i didn't speak japanese

i just went right yeah you can't blame him i know i did my phone i just was like trying to translate everything and then by the end i was just typing in please help me please help me motioning to emmy help me pointing at her underwear yeah who wants them interesting trades welcome then pointing at your mouth or at his mouth yeah she really stinks them up too let me tell you you couldn't figure you couldn't figure it out no because i couldn't figure out the space bar didn't work and he kept being like and i was like i know i don't i don't know either help me please do your job salary man you want this commission and i was just when i when i found it in the store i was like i'll take it and he was like ah and then we went up and then on the way up to the counter emily was like it types in english

right and he was like oh he couldn't figure out how to figure it out so i don't have one i had to buy a little guy i bought like a weird like lenovo chromebook for 80 bucks over there no from amazon here i just it's all tax-free over there so you want to fucking buy the cool stuff they make over there while you're over there oh yeah everything's tax-free over 5 000 yen did you bring it just 35 bucks no i didn't bring anything back to flip okay i'm not a ps5s and shit yeah no but i didn't have any room in my bag okay yeah i was coming i brought back snacks for you instead of a money-making operation also guess what those snacks aren't going to make it down to you i'm sorry i know all right i know you already told me i have a bunch of cool king cats up here and it's tough not to munch them all

yeah i got forbidden fruit becker what kind biscoff graham cracker strawberry biscoff kit kat that's right holy shit they're white chocolate. Damn. Yeah. I'm almost there. Yeah, dude, I got a bunch of cool snacks. Also, Carlos was like, hey, man, can you give me some gopuchang? And I was like, what? And he's like, capsule toys away. So I got him like $35 of tiny little like Japanese versions of little homies figurines.

That's what they are. Yeah. Well, I mean that they have these capsule stores there and it's just like, you know, you put like 300 yen in the machine and you twist the knob and then you get like one of those plastic eggs and there's a little toy in there. Yeah.

Apparently it's some cultural Marvel that Carlos wants to be involved in. So Carlos, I got your tiny toys. All right. You better not swallow too many. They're not not food they might look like sushi but they're not the bit you pulled on carlos and text yesterday made me laugh till i cried at work which one was that where he texted you a long note about how much he liked your book and loved you as a person and you texted back shut up dude i already got your go-to pan up here yeah yeah he just read the book yeah he just read the book

yeah he just finished it i think he started it like he told me that he tried to read it a bunch but it was upside down yeah no i appreciate that carlos you can also buy my book if you like if you're a listener it's samtalent.com i feel like we might have some new listeners because i had a bit of a viral success with a video about miller light so if you are a new listener go ahead and uh like and subscribe get on the chub reddit everyone uh what else is there join the fucking patreon chubby behemoth join the patreon man it's five bucks you pigs burn cash on the dumbest shit you do you guys are like oh i could join the patreon or i could buy another watermelon and leave it in the sun for a couple of weeks so

i can have sex with it and then eat the ants just fucking join the patreon we're doing a good job over here we're the new nasty men yeah nasty man nasty man lund plug your date one more time chicago january 27th uh still some tickets available but there aren't very many so i'm hoping that it'll sell out it will sell out it has to sell out we have to add a second show over there well i'm hoping that it sells out before day of so that i will wonder okay well thank you it will also now people are like i don't have to get tickets no get tickets you have rickets buy tickets all right if you want to see me doing standing up comedy milwaukee this friday the 20th at broken bat this saturday the 20th at Broken Bat. This Saturday, the 21st at the Bend Theater. That's a big room. It probably won't be full.

Oh, yeah. See me at the San Francisco Punchline on the 28th of January. I'm co-headlining and I'm not pissed at all. Don't worry. You're still proving yourself. I won't be making it hard on anyone who follows me on those shows. Don't worry. Hey, if you want to see me and Lund, Birmingham, Alabama at the Saturn on February 2nd.

That's a Thursday. And then Tuscaloosa at Old Black Warrior Brewing. All right. That's the 3rd of February. Pensacola, the 4th of February at Vinyl. Wichita, Kansas just added Vore Shades Thursday, February 9th. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Oklahoma City. San Diego. Fargo, North Dakota. SamTalent.com. wichita kansas just added four shays thursday february 9th tulsa oklahoma oklahoma city san

diego fargo north dakota samtalent.com patreon.com slash chubby behemoth help me and becker get our cysts drained if we get 500 followers we're going to drain those cysts and then we're going to send out the collection plate to all of our loyal fans so if you want some of our goo from our backside, you get a vial of cyst juice with every order. Yeah, we're going to marinate some pistachios in the cyst juice, and then we're going to eat them live on stream. So come on out. That sucks.

Give that big booty a shout. And for the last time, Shibuya roll call. Lund. I'm here. Becker. I'm here. Sam. That's none of your business.