Chubby Behemoth - Cave Sprung

Episode Date: July 20, 2023

Get 20% off your order & free shipping at https://www.lucy.co & use promo code CHUBBY   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Global Network. Just A Head. Break It Down For Me Corn.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Sam, you're in the basement? Yeah, dude, I'm on the ground. I'm on the ground in Sue's and Jim's room, because this is the only place where it's quiet, and I'm also alone. Sorry that I'm backlit while also being lit from

atop. I look like I'm on an operating table while also not being visible from the face up. Sorry. If you're one of the freaks who has to watch men talk to enjoy their banter i apologize this is the best you've looked less is more also you're always like right in front of a window that blasts us so this is good they know what you look like this is proof of life. How about this? They know you've been fishing. This is kind of better, I think.

Now you guys can ask me questions, and I will answer them sincerely, because no one can tell it's me. So go ahead and ask me anything. What? What's your greatest fear? No one can prove it's me. So go ahead and ask me anything. What? What's your greatest fear? No one can prove it's me. I look like the cover of, you know, Fear and Loathing right now.

I've got a full gonzo. Do you know how stupid you look in that hat? So I'm going to tell you the truth. I think I look cool as hell. Is that the hat that you had in the pool where you thought that I was so dumb that I didn't know where you were? Because your hand was in the hat?

Yes. I was pretty sure. Dude, you know who I look like? What was that Kevin Bacon movie where he was invisible? Hollow Man. This is like when Hollow Man goes out in real life into the world he has to wear like a bunch of bandages all over his arm and a long sleeve and gloves and a hat i've gone hollow man didn't he like tweak a nipple in that movie

he committed a sexual assault in that film and also i think it was rated pg-13 it was i remember seeing it the thing sticking with me is the nipple tweaking if you get the power of invisibility you can tweak oh dude you're lucky if all you do is tweak you're showing a lot of willpower if all you do when you're invisible is honk a little nippy well also you know what i mean i don't know if lucky is the term but you're good now if all you do is honk uh also though i think his whole thing like him and his researchers was trying to make trying to discover how to make people be invisible so if a woman was like yeah uh i got tweaked by some somebody and i couldn't see it then it wouldn't take the best detective in the world to realize maybe we should ask the team of scientists who are developing invisibility

technology the funny thing about that movie was you see a boob in that movie but for some reason usa networks uh like titty filters failed that so i remember uh committing the sin of onan in my aunt's basement to that film and it was like it's a fleeting little glimpse that's all you needed back then you just had to have enough like oil in the pump to prime it up and then you could let it rip you didn't need to have full-on ocular contact the whole time like you do nowadays you didn't need to have a gun in your mouth like you do now you know we talked yeah we've talked about it how i just needed the the audio because the porn channels were scrambled i don't know that i could have done it maybe when i was like very new to whacking could i do a fleeting hooter on usa

well yeah the thing about it like i like to think about it like you're in a moving car and if you drove by a chick flashing you at like 100 miles per hour you could finish it by the next on-ramp you know London do you know you're the king of car whacking no I've done it once meanwhile when I was a when I when I was a SFO uh Becker Sam and I were texting. Some things are sacred. I'm talking about it. I think I said something about maybe I'll skyjack it. Sam was like, oh yeah, do it. I do it all the time.

I was like, shut up. You're full of shit. He was like, no, I always do it. I was like, no, you don't. He was like, go in the bathroom. I was like, I would never do that. He was like, in the bathroom and i was like i would never do that and he was like i do it constantly okay so you're being like i don't do it constantly i don't do it all the time but i have definitely hit that release valve at 80 000 feet sometimes you have to that's wild well yeah when you have the shorts that you wear you you do have to get rid of a fucking boner.

Correct. And also, when I fall asleep on a plane, I often wake up like the ancestors of Pingo Jones. I wake up cave sprung. And you sleep on pretty much every flight. and you sleep on pretty much every flight so i don't think i'm being hyperbolic when i say that you've jacked the sky jacked it a bunch right so your corollary does hold true but the issue is is that i usually sleep all the way till the end till the wheels hit the ground okay then i just have this frantic erection that i have to like try and abate through sheer willpower uh as i'm sitting there and i can't i can't you know i can't pull the pin on that thing but if i wake up halfway

through and i think the most jarring thing i said to you was that you have to go to the bathroom pre-hard you have to do the walk to the bathroom hard. Which is insane. That is insane. The idea of going into the bathroom and jacking it and then coming out and there's like 12 people lined up looking at you like he either shit or he jacked. And he was like soft jacket and then he finally was able to come. I couldn't handle that. Yeah, no, you don't want a line you don't want a queue to build behind you as you're in there uh doing what has to be done but uh yeah i i do go in uh ready if you will and uh deal with it very quickly and then leave whistling you know just

another day at the office gentlemen how about those ipos i don't know i don't know why my shit smells like cum today but hey i had a couple pop i shouldn't i shouldn't have eaten those russian olives gentlemen i'm sorry you are what you eat and i eat money gentlemen you're walking towards the bathroom cocked and a four-year-old just comes running up the aisle right into your hard dick yeah you lobotomize them so dude remember sharpie's bit about his nephew kissing him on the penis yeah so susu's three three and a half she's like right there so now she'll like run she'll be like sam and then she just charges and now i have to like prep myself and i just lower myself so she bounces off my belly but otherwise i've almost taken a couple right in the pills from my beautiful little niece

I've almost taken a couple right in the pills from my beautiful little niece. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to be on alert. She goes human torpedo. Don't let her. But, yeah, I just want to clear it up with the listeners. I don't do it all the time. And I do think that you would probably enjoy it because, you know, you have that, like, ex-Catholic shame in you. And think about how close to God you are when you're doing that.

It's like the ultimate affront to his will. Not Catholic. Whatever you were ukrainian orthodox hyguinous i can't remember yeah we we prayed to our ancestors including my great grandma haganush yeah oh yeah what was that woman's name paul cross's lady's name was armenian i can't remember what it was though it was pretty fun it was no haganush but i told her how my great grandma was haganush no also known as haigui and she was she didn't bat an eye she was like yes that's a very pretty name it's like shut up uh damn it oh yeah so you fly pretty much every weekend so twice a weekend yeah eight times a month yeah about almost a hundred times a year you fly how many of those times you jack 50 this year

already i've flown 71 times i just looked on united and all the other ones so i'd say maybe 10 maybe that's 10 10 times i've done it this year that's that's not that much if you think about in the grand scheme of things i guess because you fly so much it it's not as weird. Yeah. It's your second office. Yeah. Uh, fuck. But I'm not like, I'm in the, as we call it in the business, the cockpit.

I'm not in there like the whole time. I'm in there for, you know, six minutes. The issue is the cleanup. Because I'm right there. you know six minutes the issue is the cleanup because i'm right there it just goes in the sink big deal who cares oh where else am i gonna put it i figured the toilet i don't know no i'm too tall i mean in there i'm already in an upright coffin so it's like you know it's like i'm on the elevator going up to see god or down to see the devil depending on if we're you know about to land i was in there one time when uh they put on the uh they put on one of those frantic like um you know mandatory seat belts buckle seat belts so there was a bit of turbulence but

only sweetened the pot just spraying everywhere no no no yeah and it's all streaky on the glass of the mirror are you vaping in there yes yes i am trying to break the fucking smoke detector and it won't it won't yield yeah Yeah. Did you try it, though? No. I'm always doing window lately. And so I would not love... I'm in window every time, baby. That's right.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be... Excuse me, if you don't mind, I'd like to go jack. I don't like lying. So I'd have to be like, hey, I'm going to try to pee, but I'm mostly going in there to jack so uh you could not fall asleep while I'm in there I don't want to have to wake you up the the thought of you crawling over someone's sleeping lap and you're like bent over them face to face and they wake up and they're like ah what do you want and you're like i just want to let you know i'm just going all right nothing crazy is gonna happen in there i'm just going

number one so don't worry go back to bed and then you like put your fingers on their eyelids and pull them down all right night night i'm only peeing see you later i promise yeah part of getting hard on the way there is lying to the sea yes dude after after the hell of flying uh to arcata next to old restless egg he was restless egg because he was short and squat and he couldn't fucking sit still but after that uh i was kissed by the by the sky gods because on the way home, I did a short flight to SFO layover and then a flight to Denver and both times, nobody next to me. On the flight to Denver, you know, I was back in a big boy plane. were three seats across nobody in the middle in the aisle was a tall skinny young man who fell asleep almost like bent in half you know because because we didn't have anybody in the middle he kind of turned towards the middle seat and then even question mark oh god it looked awful it looked like he was becker in high school he was all aged up and he was just like crumpled into a

ball it was yeah it didn't didn't look great but i think he slept most of the time and then this dude behind me couldn't fucking he must have had back problems or something he was a former power lifter because he was like kicking my seat like i was like what are you doing back there you know and then eventually i looked and i saw he was in the aisle like towards the back of the plane like stretching his back and shit so he was going through it i felt bad for him yeah yeah that question mark move is really good if you go riddler posture and you dot your own eye that is a solid move yeah i i don't like getting the megan i think ordered me one of those uh cubes that you put your arms in

and your neck your head into dude yes you blow it up yes great gift that should be coming and the only thing that sucks uh is if you involve the tray table then you're gonna get shit i guess it's just take off and landing but but I don't like the idea of nailing it and then you get woken up with like a half hour to go, 45 minutes to go because of the tray table sitch. Well, so there's a lot of options. You have that one, the inflatable head hammock, which is a cool move.

I mean, you look insane when you're blowing it up. You look like you just escaped some kind of laboratory. I popped it once. You're just sitting there. You're like, Oh, hey. You've been to Cleveland before?

Yeah, it's a great city. All right, see you later. You glide on it out the emergency exit yeah they didn't have a connecting flight so i had to i had to improvise and you just fucking sail off into the sunset there's another cool one that you have where it's like a band that you put around your forehead and then you put the other side of the band on the back of the seat so it keeps your head up because there's a big issue when you go to nod and you finally nod off you jar yourself awake but uh yeah if you can pin your head back against the seat and that one looks like the state made you wear that instead of an ankle monitor it's like well we have to know where he is when he's in the sky uh it's just it's just like fucking spy supplies is all it is but really new type of parole where it

monitors your thoughts you're a thought criminal and so you can't uh you can't think about what you do if you are invisible you have to link up with you via satellite oh shit well it's even worse if they get in there and they find out what you could do if you could fly because you technically are flying and if you could fly you could go around tweaking all over the world i think the thing about flying though if i could fly it'd probably be as fast as i could run which is not that fast at all so i'd still just be like going three miles per hour you know like it would take me like to get to fucking cruising altitude if i was flying yeah i'm just like 12 feet off the ground like haha they'll never catch me up here i've been

tweaking all over the american southwest and they're like all right just get a big net get like a pool cleaning that we'll pull them down no one ever talks about how fast you get to fly it's just can you fly well i think part of it is that it's fantasy, and so it would be cool instead of reality. Like everything, it sucks. Well, you're invisible, but they can still smell you. Oh, crap. You're invisible, except for your dick and balls.

It's like, God damn it. Well, no one will see me yeah you have to be scared all the time well you would be yeah you'd solve your own problem but you get horned up it's like fuck he's lay down yeah put it in the dirt just lay face down and people keep tripping over you and you're like oh and they're like what was that that rug is real mouthy shut up learn to walk who said that nobody you're freaking out you're losing it pal it's funny to imagine uh sue and jim coming in and fooling around we'll be quiet do your little podcast tweaking and moaning uh hello i'm not invisible yet. I'm in here.

We know. Yeah, come on. Hey, we've been married for 30 years. We need somebody in the room now. I'm like, all right, well, I'll just be over. I'm going to go in the closet. They're like, no, no, keep potting. Take the earplugs out.

Let's hear what Lund has to say. Jim's like, I'm a Lund guy. Oh. He gourds oh dude i didn't tell you about the the sweet kid uh who wore the the finance shirt to my show the late show on saturday um detroit yeah in detroit uh he was cool he sat right up front by himself i like you know i was like way to go dude way to be here by yourself but anyway after the show he you know we talk he does the picture he says by the way i want to let you know i am not a lund guy oh all right yeah he's a fighter like all right yeah yes but i mean i laughed and he's like yeah i know everyone says

they're lund guys just to get to you but i'm'm not one. So don't worry. I was like, Oh, well, I'm, I'm by definition, a Lund guy. Oh dude. Tanner came to the show. Uh, from Chicago. Has he been busy? We haven't seen him in months.

He's been doing his own thing. Is he cheating on us with finance? What's his problem? I don't know. I think he was in Chicago and he was in, uh, Detroit. I saw him twice this weekend, which means four times. Cause comes to both shows. Shout out, Tanner. You're the man. Yeah, he's making up for lost time. He's like, sorry, my mom was sick. I had to miss San Diego and fucking Brea.

She's dead now, so it's cool. I got all of her stuff. here's her huge bra she had him uh but yeah i showed good he's the man but i showed emily i was like check this out and she showed he showed the tattoo we have matching tattoos you know he has the bako tat and then he walked away and she was like what the fuck are you he has lived left lawn right yeah yeah yeah i was like what the fuck are you doing people are getting your shit tattooed on them what's going on i was like nothing it's cool and she's like i don't like that and she was like kind of mad for 20 minutes it's like no it's good sounds like emily dr emily talent we have to

say her full name now we can't yeah we can't be familiar with someone we've known for 12 years uh it sounds like emily sucks now but she's not working her job and all of a sudden she's just yeah she's just a kept woman now yeah she's spoiled and she knows that she's bratty immediately saying what goes instead of just you know going with the flow she's like wait a minute i'm gonna say something to say why leave me alone also yeah it's a little weird but uh cool too i mean i think it's cool i'm flattered, you know, people have ruined the light tattoos. People have Baco tattoos.

I mean, what running? I'm just trying to build this little fucking people get quotes of running the light. There's a guy in Australia on Tasmania who like drew Billy Ray Schaefer, his version and tattooed it on his lower back. I mean, shit's crazy.

Whoa. Yeah. But that's good. because i got all these little sleeper slells just planted all over the world and when i activate them and they'll know they'll receive the clarion call well uh we'll find out who has them worldwide a global network what was the other oh it was when you were going to run for city council work what was the other oh it was when you were gonna run for city council you're gonna have a task force yeah this is global you're saying yeah this is what's going on are you hot yeah it's fucking hot in here this house is so great and then no ac it's like come on man that's fucked also we're back in you know uh our denver apartment didn't have ac

so i remember and we had a year in the apartment you know uh here where we had ac and it was glorious right now i would let i don't know a dozen children starve to death if i could not be as hot as i am right now oh god who would who would miss them a couple of parents some would be relieved not as relieved as me yeah you'd be doing a favor to like a third of those parents yeah they'd be stoked man yeah you'd be like oh that guy that guy's not wet anymore that's cool and also fucking conrad's dead. So I can get the band back together. Yeah, I got my sock on. Why?

Because my shit's fucked, dude. You wear it all the time? Yeah. I dented my shin on my bad leg. On the stasis dermatitis leg. And now I just have this wound on there and emmy just like she's taking good care of me we keep bandaging it uh but yeah she's like wear the sock and i'm like i don't want to and she's like just like dude wear the sock do you want to i don't want

to be married to a one leg guy i don't want to i don't want to it looks stupid i don't want to i don't want to play fucking euchre with my sock on. And then everyone's like, Whoa, did you hurt your leg? And I got to be like, Yes, I hurt it through years of neglect and obesity. All right. Yeah, I hurt it. I hurt it, as did seed oils,

as did Madden 2014 hurt my leg real bad. Red Dead Redemption hurt my leg. Yeah. So anyway, the leg might be coming off in old Japan. No, then we'd have to like carry you around. I have to wheel you around. Yeah, that's honorable. Put me in a wheelbarrow.

Take me to the show. Oh, dude, I didn't think about it until yesterday. And I haven't looked it up yet, but we might be able to go to the G1 Climax. It's like a big tournament that is like a month long. It's happening now. I don't know if it's almost over, but if we can go, it's like the second biggest Japanese wrestling event. I think Wrestle Kingdom is like WrestleMania, and that happened, I think, in January. And then this

is also a big deal there's like a bunch of american wrestlers over there so that would be sick any that we know what any that we know yeah i mean like a bunch of aw guys i know eddie kingston is involved i think um uh the dream there no velveteen dream is like canceled yeah i know he's probably working in japan they all get away with it a little more over there they have different laws no no you just said okay there's it's honorable to put you in a wheelbarrow yeah yeah they also don't want to book predators i think yeah i think he was messing around with underage girls too so no i think it was boys your favorite will not be there i think it was boy your hero young boy um chris hero's gonna be there no i don't think so what about a wrestler named chris

euro and he's covered in tzatziki yeah and he's that'd be cool he smells awful he was i he did a couple of early luchuli brand laughs and he was stiff or made it look real good yeah he looked he looked like he was assaulting people i loved his body his body was perfect it was it was like a body that i could have if i you know had two legs that worked and gave a shit uh last night i watched the new uh dark side of the ring It was about Abdullah the Butcher. So gross. How much blood was involved with most of his matches. It would just be gushers.

And one time, I don't know if he was in the match, but they showed footage of a time where a dude in Puerto Rico was spewing up like pints of blood and it must have been like half fake or something but it was so gross they just show him like like vomit a bunch of blood it was very uh gross abdullah would make them drink his blood that was his finisher have a pint of me you're me now i can control you yeah i never liked him now go tweak yeah be away from me go to do my tweak bidding imagine that dude with a butcher if he could fly they'd have to be like a fucking parade float they'd have to tether him down he just bumps around in between

buildings all over kansas city yeah i think he i think he died recently but uh yeah it was disturbing i should have gone to bed but instead i watched a pirated version on youtube version on youtube uh the story of abdullah the man who couldn't fly but almost figured it out yeah i did it on jim cornett because my youtube like has suggested downloads and i was driving susu and emmy and when i needed to escape from baba black sheep i put in my airpods and just had that downloaded because I didn't have coverage and I listened to a bunch of Jim cornets like podcasts he's pretty cool I like corny I don't think he is I listen to clips but I think overall he sucks he's uh not good overall he's pissed he wants he wants the days of wrestling where it's like a man with a

black mask on whose finisher is some kind of claw technique to wrestle a dude who has a permed blonde coif and wears a cape to the ring. He wants it to be like the semiotics for Jim Cornette have to be a guy who comes out to like, I'm a bad guy.

A bad guy's coming to the ring now. Watch out because I'm bad. Vers a bad guy's coming to the ring now watch out because i'm bad versus like another guy who's like i am good guys turn to enter the ring i'm good that's what jim needs he can't have any kind of gray area and he hates uh he hates that guy. What was his name? Vincent Caruso? Vincent Russo?

Vince Russo, yeah. They hit each other pretty good. He won't even say his name. He just says shit stain. Yeah, no, like, I don't know. There was just a big Twitter back and forth with Cornette and Matt Hardy and Cornette's co-host, Brian Last, where they were just like shitty to Hardy. I thought,

and Cornette can be fucking shitty. I think some of what he says is right. As far as like believability or having things make sense, but also he just, he shits on a lot of stuff pretty hard that I don't think is accurate or necessary. We're going to have some cornet guys coming in swinging he's got a fucking loyal army i'm pro cornet i like it yeah i know i i yearn for the simple

days when sable was still a waitress at tgi fridays and china was still a man he really does not like china no yeah he keeps calling her jody he's like and then she was china and she came out and she had that gimmick with heartbreak kid and triple h and yeah she was in love with triple h and yeah he was in love with her but as soon as he got his ticket sold off her broad ass it was time for x-pac to get in there and you know sean treats him he bags him he beds him he leaves him in wichita it's like all right break it down for me corn the cornish hen yeah i don't know like i said i've listened to a lot of clips for sure but i don't like it i hate listen i grip my teeth and i go okay nathan let's do the role playing real quick huh

okay i'm a sushi roll and you are a dinner roll burnt no no butter perfect everybody's pissed i was gonna make the exact same joke but i'm the man i'll be the straight man right now and you can be you can be the funny guy you can be jelly roll hey man what's up man i regret these tattoos man hey man i'm jelly roll my joints hurt so fucking much dude i'm dead man my body doesn't know yet my brain's still kicking around up here man okay My brain's still kicking around up here, man. I'm off stage, man. I kind of am a stage, man.

Use my body. I got a festival going on on my back, man. It's getting old, man. It's been like six days, dude. Well, let's say that you're at an amazing party with jelly roll and you don't want to have to step outside just for your nicotine fix right oh yeah i want to get in there i want to hear every conversation going on at that party where are you from where do you work how do you like it have you seen the new oppenheimer movie

well thanks to lucy you don't have to go outside for your nicotine I'm in the bathroom. There's only one and I'm not coming out going the dedicated I am laying in an inch and a half of water and I am ripping the coolest farting in the world. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom there's only one and i'm not coming out go in the yard barricaded i am laying in an

inch and a half of water and i am ripping the coolest parts ever for my live stream um whether you're a dumb man or love a pouch and i do love a pouch i was raised in one uh you can get what you want and never have to leave the action there's even more than one way to get your fix nathan lucy lets you choose your nicotine strength and flavor for a fully custom experience well what's your favorite flavor of lucy oh you know i like the mango i've been uh chomping on the mango pretty hard i've also been emailing lucy asking for a sy, a nicotine syringe, so that I can go back to my high school days where I used to pound China Brown. But, well, Lucy, Lucy will not provide that for sure. No, Lucy only engages in completely legal methods of nicotine distribution.

legal uh methods of nicotine uh distribution uh i cannot wait to crank a bunch of lucys on uh my flight over to uh japan and then to australia and uh if the australian government has an issue with me bringing in uh lucy breakers guess what i'm also bringing in a fucking rifle all right so if you take one you're gonna get the business end of the other i keep thinking it was uh christchurch but that's new zealand was it brisbane was the big shooting that got got the guns taken away i don't know what three people got fucking winged in the arm and all of a sudden australia is a nanny state come on i'm bringing some chaos down there when i arrive on august 1st for my shows uh if you want i love i mean they're a great product honestly and if you want to shake

things up lucy pouches come in apple ice mango and that espresso flavor fucking rules it tastes like an affogato uh if you want to get your kick faster from that pouch give lucy breakers pouches a try these suckers contain a liquid capsule to moisten the pouch and get your nicotine even faster uh and that rules because they're like a gusher for dudes who work at the bowling alley setting the pins that's right that's right you don't have to go on break you can keep on working and get those bowling shoes out of the toilet while still while still uh mentally being able to relax a little bit yeah and your ex-old lady just showed up she's on a date with old spud so you can keep ogling her from behind the wickets if you use that lucy pouches visit lucy.com no excuse me do not do that everyone shut up every shut up for two fucking seconds let a man do

his job visit lucy.co as in the state uh abbreviation for colorado visit lucy.co and use promo code chubby to get 20 off your first order shipping is always free that's l-u-c-y.co promo code chubby to receive 20% off and always free shipping. Here's the fine print. All right. And guess what? You're hearing it from a guy who knows fine pussy. Go to pussy.co.

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So go to lucy.co and use promo code chubby to help out the pod and also help you stay cool speaking of uh hating people that i like how quickly do you think we're going to want to kill each other in japan not quickly i'm excited uh me too i need to figure i'm never going to want to kill you i'm the one who pisses you off and then you're mad at me i'll take it out on uh becker and bonzo yeah i think it'll be tough to have the four of us be on the same page the whole time and also bonzo's going to film 24-7. That'll get old. I'll be annoyed. I'll have to pretend to love it. Oh, yeah.

Definitely want to make content the whole time instead of enjoying this. You do not have to pretend to love it. Just be yourself. Because Barstool dropped the bag on me. And now we're in business with the Stoolies. So, yeah. You being pissed that we're ascending will be very much on brand and i'm okay with that oh fuck i think i just sharted no i'm good uh i was close though fuck i fucked around i almost found out

uh yeah barstool and cornet two of the two of the pillars of the online community i saw i just saw the sincere look in your eye it happened the fear yeah yeah it was close. So annoying. So annoying that you can't get really good at it and know it's just always a coin toss. Well, yeah. You're almost 41. You think you would have had a system by now?

Yeah, no. Yeah. Every day is a miracle. Yes, it is. Who used to say that? I used to say that a lot. No, it was like somebody's fucking gimmick on Facebook for like a year or something. I don't know.

Probably Roger Stafford. Probably turncoat of the pod, Roger Stafford. Turncoat, why? Because he's snitching to Cheke? why because he's snitching to cheque yeah he's snitching all over town now everyone knows anytime that there's been a breach in our sacred trust i'm assuming it's stafford staff infection well i don't know i mean he's he's pretty loyal i would imagine no he raised him he bailed on Grayson as soon as Grayson got laid. I've got to say,

I've had nothing but tranquility and bliss and solace up here. Besides the kids screaming and running around and a couple of whoopsies around the fire. Michigan has been so nice i needed this time uh you know susu almost falling in the fire uh i picked up the wrong

end of the fire stick there's like a you know a stick that you use to move around the the wood and the fire and i picked it up by the wrong end and burned my palm but the one that was in the fire you went for that end no no no no but i couldn't see it was dark ouchy what about the fire always in the fire you can't leave in the fire it just becomes this more kindling no no i'm saying the the fire didn't provide enough light for you to not blow it no no it didn't okay so yeah maybe i'm dumb or maybe i'm just not risk averse maybe i'm willing to try other stuff that people won't oh man thinking about susu going head first makes me think about jesus christ cam oh at his bachelor party almost ate fire he felt he

like passed out because he was partying and not eating like all day and then he like half passed out and went head first and hit like there was like a metal rim around the fire pit and so he hit that and i'm sure it was pretty hot but god it could have been so much worse and we're all tripping we're all high on something uh i think i had done some mushrooms and acid and uh and all of a sudden everybody had to be serious for like 20 minutes while we looked at him yeah but imagine i mean in fact susie's effectively just as drunk as cam but she's drunk on like wonder and hope and innocence instead of like miller light and captain morgan her brain is small and growing cams is uh shrinking shrinking yeah getting smaller by the minute for as wet as

it is you'd think it wouldn't be so dry but uh and also imagine if cam was just wearing a polyester dollar store uh you know fucking aerial dress all the time she's just constantly bedecked in the most flammable princess dresses that exist so if she catches a little bit she's going up she's going up for good you have to smush her to put her out so you just put you like tackle her and then smush her and everybody yeah out so you just put you like tackle her and then smush her and everybody yeah everybody thinks you're you're tweaking it's like no i'm putting her ass out yeah nobody nobody knows that she was just on fire they just see me laying on top of her and they're like what's going on rolling her yeah like trying to like

cover all of her with you don't you then then also because she's in that dress uh when she is not on fire anymore she's completely nude when i roll off of her that's horrific the fire put the fire takes like most of your shirt and pants yeah so that's gone jim's all pissed fuck you jim what were you doing tweaking in the bedroom meanwhile i'm the hero secretly eating another sausage in the kitchen to quote go get some cards that's his move secret eating yeah he goes up there and pounds the sausage and then comes down with a deck of cards and he's like anyone want to play as he's wiping grease off his face yeah the cards

are all slaked with fucking baking grease dude listen to this so emily's uh two brothers are here you know neil and aiden and uh we were on the fire the other day at night and their nephews were here rory and alex good boys real cool kids real smart real funny but alex is 13 and i i someone brought it up there like, yeah, Alex sure eats bananas a lot, huh? And I was like, oh, what? You busted him too? And then Aiden was like, yeah, yeah.

I walked in on him eating a banana late last night. And then right before I went to bed the night before, I went in there to fill up my water bottle and he's just in the kitchen with the lights off eating a banana. It's like, what's this kid's banana deal what's going on yeah does he

have a reason he's just like no one confronted him why not those are for everybody yeah hey you've had five bananas in the last hour and a half what are you doing I wonder is it a growth spurt thing i know that that can

i remember that uh year plus where you're just like ravenous but you don't want to yeah he doesn't want to eat like garbage every time so he's trying to stick to bananas because he knows they won't kill him maybe yeah he is a sturdy kid he's definitely putting on some height but i maybe it's an ocean slaughters thing i guess if your body does need potassium ocean slaughters what do you know about that no nobody does oh yeah they do remember when you were in like fifth or sixth grade and all of a sudden your friend little quirky who was like three foot ten comes back all of a sudden and he's like five was like three foot ten comes back all of a sudden and he's like five six and he's had these giant fucking like doorknobs beneath his kneecap

do you remember that austrian slaughters it's like from where your bones are literally like breaking at the top like the bone heads are breaking to allow for more growth so you just have these like bulbs right below your knee and it was completely Alex Nichols had him horrifically his were so bad that we could like hang a coat hanger off of the protuberance from his knee I guess I remember I don't think I had those but I guess I remember them being a thing but I don't remember the name Oppenheimer yeah but that's fun schlotters I think yeah oh dude by the way how funny would it be to see Oppenheimer in Tokyo Jesus yeah it'd be an empty theater everybody's seeing Barbie everyone's crying we're just cheering it on we go in there with flags like Jimaw jim duggan just waving them usa remember we can do it again you

i think we have to go see oppenheimer in japan just for the bit yeah uh maybe it's not showing it's probably not called oppenheimer there it's probably called like the devil's workshop or like um a dastardly misgiving from the west you know how they named over there yeah yeah uh that makes me think of a time when uh i was in college visiting our friend rj who like was on the fence about letting us stay at his house for one night because of his fucking dumb kids no uh he's like if you guys are trying to go full invisible man in there you better knock it off yeah no tweaking no smoking yeah uh when you show up you can't have smoked for at least the previous hour and a half i'm gonna do a hair follicle test when you guys come in and if you come up positive for thc or

nicotine of course uh i'm sure we reeked from denver to reno is like it was probably like 15 hours of driving smoking cigs being gross eating arby's but yeah we went uh I think I went and saw him in yeah right after college I guess a bunch of us went and saw him in uh I think he worked in Riverside which we also just uh we drove by to get to San Diego he was there and we went a few of us went out there and uh I talked to this Japanese dude I don't think he was from Japan but diego he was there and we went a few of us went out there and uh i talked to this japanese dude i don't think he was from japan but i think he was of japanese descent and i was all drunk and i had done a paper about the decision you know to use the atomic bombs and i was like just like yelling at him making him agree with me that it was necessary that it was the only way to end

the war like a fucking 18 or 21 year old dickhead japan wasn't gonna stop the emperor had to appear to be you know fucking divine in his knowledge that they were gonna win and so they they couldn't surrender and so it had to be done and he was like yeah i guess you know i'm just terrorized like ruining this dude's night yeah it's not a great moment as i look back but oh yeah and then that night uh we like we went to a bar and there was a young lady that we were that we went to college with who was like super horny and I could have banged her but I was dating someone and so I didn't and then she banged a rando in the bathroom and I was very jealous whoa because it could have been me whoa yeah what could have been in the in the bathroom that's yeah yeah i'll bet it was pretty hot so that was a good week what'd she look like uh red hair has um had them has like six kids now

keeps cranking them out they never lose them that's the thing about having them they never go away well they can but with these kids you know they can't you know they just keep filling up and then getting sucked dry and then filling back up welfare in this country the circle of life oh yeah cycling off the teat uncle sam has no more milk to give we should see if we can get gianna michaels and jim cornett on the same episode and just have Jim ask Giana about her days in the territories so Giana when you're working down there for the bang grass bros in old Orlando uh have you ever come uh face to face with uh that guy fart knocker remember him

remember that guy he was like a mentally ill guy who like I think lived in the van and like during intercourse he would pull out and just like fart on the the poor woman oh dude uh i haven't i forgot about that well sorry i'm gonna switch gears but the gianna reminded me sure that at some point like a month ago megan i must have been gone i was somewhere oklahoma or something she texted me who was that porn star that you and sam like a lot and i told her and then she didn't say anything else and i forgot about it and i'll bet that's exactly what she wanted but i'm gonna have to ask her what the hell i wonder did she just want to see this woman? Did she maybe jacket to this woman? Did she nub rub to your former flame?

Is she a Gianna Michaels guy all of a sudden? Yeah, I forgot to check back in to follow up. Because I thought she was going to say something like, oh, yeah, she's pretty or she's got them. There was no further dialogue. So what did she do with that information? I think Emmy would be disappointed to know that I was into Gianna Michaels why does she because that means her own eyebrows yeah I think I mean he's like a high class girl who comes from Silver Spoon University you know and to know that I was

uh you know pulling my pangas to a real fucking dirt pig would probably bum her out because gianna's like the king of the hood the whole hood loves gianna everyone loves her that's what we need to do to fucking end any kind of like racial uh anger between the two sides even the three sides the two races black and white yeah there's only there's two genders and there's two races i said something that got my ass hard in humble which was uh something about like how the only thing that i'm the only racism i'm against is white on black oh and it was like as long as you're not or you can be sexist as long as you're not racist against black people everybody else it's fine yeah it was just god that was that

saturday set where i was just loosey goosey i had so much fun and i think the crowd did too i think i lost them a couple times because it was just i was just off the rails but i didn't want to do they were like you know three names and a couple other comics went to both shows and then just a couple like friends of the comics or whatever it just felt like there were some some people that had been there on friday night so i didn't want to do a lot of same stuff and so it resulted in a fucking it was fun nathan lund chaos warp chaos rains yeah i uh i i love when you go off script it's the best that show in san diego when you went on stage and you were just like all right you motherfuckers i don't like you and you don't like me so let's do this.

It worked. Right away. Yeah, it was great. I was in the back howling. Yeah. You were just like, all right, this, you guys, you guys don't know what the fuck you're doing. Let me show you how to do this.

Yeah. I think the first thing I said was, oh, good. You guys came to a comedy show and you don't want to laugh. It was so you, I don't know. You could feel it. They weren't giving Sharpie anything. It was a real uh arms crossed show me what you got kind of situation and i hate that where the crowd acts like you know if they haven't heard of you then you're not worth a shit and you have to like work really hard to get them and then they and they no sell the first half of your set and then they chuckle a couple

fuck all of that so yeah i cut to the chase on that one what are you doing i mean i just looking at gianna michaels yeah your face is illuminated now because you're looking at something oh you're playing snood uh no i'm i'm trying to find the ad oh yeah oh yeah sorry to everyone who uh was pissed about that pod bean thing they were trying to sneak one past us and uh becker fucking raised up on them and gave them the shit and i really appreciate that i love when becker gets activated yeah what was that so you know what i mean did we check a box or did do they just you know that seems sneaky that all of a sudden there were ads that we hadn't i think i think when we signed up for podbean we had no plan that uh we were ever going to get as

many listeners as we did so like us having this many listeners activated some like kill switch some dead man switch and all of a sudden um all of our uh text messages from 2010 to 2015 were leaked into the cloud and now we'll never be able to work in uh bloomington or portland again it's secret coffee have you drank that this whole time i forgot it was here okay yeah yeah i forgot about it i drained my shit like in the first two and a half minutes and you know since like but up since like 7 30 oh yeah everybody's on susu time yeah susu isla's here young isla uh who's cool she's like two and a half susu's three there's another baby named aaron who i can't really tell if anyone gives a

about or not 29 year old aaron little baby no aaron was born like june 1st and everyone's kind of on the fence they're still like a feeling out process she hasn't done anything cool that i've seen did i tell you about susu slapping her own ass no oh dude i had a real mission accomplished i had a real like yep all right that's my niece i know there's no blood involved but some kind of osmosis has occurred yeah uh she woke up from her nap and emmy we had to change her and emmy was like all right take your diaper off so susu's just nude and she's like sam i don't have no diaper on i was like i know sus and she turns around she says look at this and starts slapping her own ass and I was just like I couldn't laugh even I was just like I was almost like crying I was like

that's good Sus you're doing it and then I later on that day I was like Susie look at this and I slapped my ass not my bare ass but my short ass and she went wow you can do, I was like, Susie, look at this. And I slapped my ass, not my bare ass, but my shorts ass. And she went, wow, you can do that. Yeah, I can do it too. Susie didn't invent slapping an ass. I thought it was just for kids. Dude, I got to say this. I know we have a lot of irreverent fun on here but uh the whole little

mermaid being black thing truly rules because little half arab susu fucking loves the little mermaid and god am i stoked that she can see someone brown who is a princess i know that's lame but jesus yeah that's not allowed dude it was it was so sweet that she's just like yeah look she's kind of like me and i was like yeah she is she is kind of like you it's also stolen valor because like you said she's uh jordanian and little mermaid is black little mermaids from east cleveland not cool susu no that's exactly what you know i know could have been hey uh you have a white kids have a million other options and also yeah like not all of the intentions are good it's also like trying to corner

other markets with these movies or shows but yeah the inclusivity is good and all these fucking adult men who act like their kids are gonna suffer because they can't watch the new little put the old one on it's insane i hate all that shit uh i mean having an opinion on it if unless you have like a little brown child in your care, isn't completely insane. Yes, it's it's funny to make fun of it and to be silly and to say, you know, jokes about like how it might be difficult for certain mermaids to swim as good as other mermaids. You know, like that's that's all fine and dandy. But then you see your little niece just like stoked and you're like, maybe this world is getting better. You know, people also don't understand.

Like my kid is a little crab boy and he identifies with Sebastian and they they don't have a lot of crabs and films, movies or otherwise. So he feels left out. Then they remake The Little Mermaid and I say. Sebastian Jr., this this one's for you and then it comes out and you know yeah i tear up as well because my little crab boy is happy and he says look it's me i can slap my own ass yeah and he can't though because he has a little crab claws and he can't doesn't that far but he can reach it doesn't make a good slapping sound which is the whole thing but because his shell hasn't came in yet yeah so it's not yeah not as satisfying but still he can get something out of it and that's like me you know when i was a kid and there was that talking basketball and air bud i was like hey that's me i'm shaped like a little basketball i'm just a head

yeah i'm just dead i'm j-a-h i'm jaw dude shaggy does the voice in the new little mermaid for sebastian so that's cool whoa yeah they woke up shaggy and gave him a big bag of money why is it shaggy i don't know because he's like the agreed upon caribbean voice for all of america oh right yeah yeah i suppose that's funny though yeah um so can we talk about this real quick when you land whatever you want when you land in japan what what's our first move going to be because i'll be there waiting for you diligently, like the little dog that I am waiting for my lun to arrive. What's our

first stop? Food. Yeah. Becker just waiting for food. Becker, nice. Hey, Becker, we'll have plenty of time to eat karaage, alright? Why isn't Becker in here? Why is he just eavesdropping

where is he he's multitasking yeah he's on a call with somebody providing poor customer service so that he can also remind us that he likes food uh yeah okay I got a little not nervous but when you said oh yeah so you said that you can't really convey the size of tokyo i was like okay yeah it's new york city and then last night somebody said it's like four new york cities or something i was like holy fuck yeah dude i got scared don't be scared you'll be with. I know how to navigate that place. Yeah, you were there for a week, six months ago. Yeah. You were there for two weeks?

No, because you... I was in Tokyo for eight days, and then we went to Kyoto and Osaka. Right. So, yeah, you barely scratched the surface of Tokyo. Yeah, dude, but it's going to be great. I'll be there waiting for you we'll hop on that train uh and we'll get some karaage uh we'll get you some noodles we'll get uh bonzo some uh canned crab meat because he's a turtle man bonzo looks like the turtle boy from toy machine if you

guys are wondering who the fourth member of this crew is we'll do a deep dive on bonzo we'll have him on the pod for sure yeah because we have to pod like every day we're there so we can fucking fill up a backlog of tokyo memories can't wait uh also dude did you look at the temperature i know it's yeah it's gonna be hot please don't look at it just go in with the blind eye no no just forget about it i kept looking at uh humboldt and then i'd look at trinidad and then i'd look at tokyo and trinidad and tokyo are like high 90s humboldt eureka was heaven on earth 60 for a high maybe 62 it would always like cloud up and like rain a little bit like mist foggy mist would just like kiss you on the cheek and say welcome to humboldt and then you'd see a car window that was an angel squirting it's like oh i missed it yeah angels are girls i was getting tweaked everywhere i went by

that beautiful humboldt weather dude just put them in the humidity we're gonna have to be and also there's no ac in the airbnb so big deal i'm just kidding i spent a lot more money so we had ac yeah sweet oh yeah we're gonna have to we're gonna have to like work in shifts to do what to clean each other oh yeah to towel because there's no showers they're just a big tub and we're gonna have to all take turns in there splashing each other's flaps and folds well yeah well it'll be like it'll be like when your little crab baby was born and we all took turns dipping him in butter we didn't eat him we didn't eat him and that was good so yeah we'll get some food and then are you um

do you have any interest in experiencing the what the Far East has to offer? No. Okay. All right. Let's make Becker and Bonzo get yanked. Yeah, so I'm gonna ask Bonzo his girlfriend, but I'm pretty sure she's okay with him getting milk. Don't ask. you gotta ask me like goodness hey ac is it all right if we take bonzo in to get his little noodle pulled bonzo will be like oh i'm coming gross yeah this sucks yeah

oh i cannot wait dude i uh i got two more days up here and then i gotta go film a thing at sam's club in royal oak michigan and then i go to the tigers game thanks to stephen burroughs and then i'm on that flight i'll have 24 hours alone in tokyo who knows what i'll get up to that's gonna be nuts me by myself in chokyo what am i gonna do yeah i don't know oh when are the shows friday and saturday and wednesday okay yeah so yeah i'm gonna be over there and whatever happens in that 24 hour periods between me and the red planet tokyo you have to tell us i might i might it might also be a sacred secret i keep me in my heart tokyo's in under glass like in total recall because the air is don't go to tokyo get your ass to tokyo

so yeah if you live in tokyo come to see the shows the tokyo comedy bar if you live in australia come see those shows tickets are selling uh okay over there which is a surprise um no it's not all over australia they get three comics a year they love it yeah but i mean still I mean, still, I'm nobody. So come see those. And then also, just announced, I think, I don't know if it's out yet officially, but Friday, November 17th, you can see me and Nathan Lund in London. That's right. Not London, Ontario, Canada, but London in the United Kingdom at the Leicester Square Theatre. L-E-I-C-E-S-T-r i think you pronounce it leicester leicester square theater leicester i think that i said that and someone

called me a fucking unrefined hog who should be uh underground uh living with the mole people who can service his uh undeveloped genitals i think people said that about me yeah you have all the you have all the old world cities in like boston where they you know they say worcester but i don't think it's worcester in london i have no idea but i do know that you and me will be in london old Lumpy Lund got a work permit from CAA. So come. Come see those shows. And then you can also see me all over. For some reason, we do very well in Estonia and Finland.

And I'm coming to Helsinki. I'm coming to Tallinn. I'm coming to fucking Bratislava, Budapest. Come see those shows. We'll have a very nice time. Also, Laugh Boston, the first week in September. Come see those as well. Where are you going to be'll be there i'm with you a bunch uh i don't have anything uh to promote in august so i'm excited for you to be in australia and for me to be in trinidad

colorado dicking around yep laying low special drop huh when's the special drop yeah i should probably start promoting that yeah august 10th on youtube i should have a premiere link soon that you can save to your clipboard on your phone and then uh yeah august 10th it'll be live. Very excited about the album art courtesy of Jordan Doll. It looks great. We dialed it in. It's fucking cool. There's a shout out to Mountain on there. I'll be able to watch it before anyone because I'll be in Australia. I'll watch it ahead of time and leave a bunch of

bad reviews. Thumbs down. Yeah. Who is this guy? Who's he thinking he is? This guy sucks. Is this guy? Who's he thinking he is? This guy sucks. Is this guy a part crab? Why is he so pissed to be on stage right now? What's his deal? I had fun.

It was a good set. If you want to see more good sets, join our Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth has a $5 level. It gets you a bunch of free episodes that you've never heard before. Well, they're $5, but not $5 each. Full access to the whole thing.

Also, the video that Pat made about Baltimore and Pottstown and Pittsburgh is coming later this week. So join up there. All that money just goes directly back into making this pod good and benefits you, the listener. And also, there was one more thing I was supposed to say. Oh yeah, Lund, suck it.