Chubby Behemoth - Certified Fried Gold

Episode Date: July 9, 2023

Support the show & get 20% off & free shipping at SheathUnderwear.com Promo code: CHUBBY   Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Demonic Device. Wearing It. Smells Like Spring. Chris Charpentier.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth  

This would be a lot cooler if it had drugs in it Yeah, I have one of those These are my drugs You have one of these with drugs in it? Yeah That'd be cool Alright These are drugs to me

Those are my drugs of choice Candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy, candy If you could only have one candy for the rest of your life But every time you ate it Someone you love passed away What candy would it be? Then I would hate that you ate it someone you love passed away what candy would it be no no what shouldn't it shouldn't it be a bad one so that i have like one a year if somebody really pisses me off that's not a good question no oh what about okay i my answer skittles um because there's every million

i would fall in love with the world and then i would slowly kill them one by one For every Skittle. I would fall in love with the world, and then I would slowly kill them one by one. In the process, I'd get to eat seven billion Skittles. Do you get to pick how it goes, or is it super random? It's got to be random. Yeah, it's bird attack every time. You said it's somebody you love.

It's hawk attack. Yeah, but it's someone you love. Someone random that you love. It could be your best friend one day. Well, love. I don't really love my friends. I understand. I look at them and I say, very good.

I kind of treat them like most people treat their dogs. Sure. Yeah, where I'm like, oh, look at him. Look at him, he's going to tire himself out. Then I feed him some trash, and he loves it. And he sleeps for 18 hours.

Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. I didn't sleep for 18 hours last night, I'll tell you that. Okay, let's get into it let's crawl around in the carcass of this memory here we go it's gonna get weird second show if the second show sucks i'm gonna do a flying cross body block i like cory cory holcomb style uh i meant to try to google that and i forgot about it oh it's it's not online. Okay. He just did it at the DC Improv. Okay.

Some guy wasn't laughing and he was like, you've been eyeballing me the whole damn show, motherfucker. And the guy was like, well, you ain't making me laugh. He's like, I got something funny for you. And then he just like cry stared into the front row. Crazy. Yeah. Legendary.

I mean, he has my favorite comedy set of all time. It's him at the shack all-star comedy jam where he does an abortion act out whoa yeah in front of like you know duane wade and his sugar boo and garcelle bouveau yeah garcelle bouveau was their famous french clown garcelle bouveau bouvays uh no bouvet cover if she's with or he might be with Gabrielle Union. Anyway. Gabrielle Union. Remember her?

Yeah, still do. Remember Rosario Dawson? Yeah. That made it okay to feel that way. Clerks 3. Clerks 2. Sin City. Yeah.

Yeah, Sin City. I saw Sin City like four times in theaters. If I was young when joker came out that would have been my joker sure yeah i'm glad i wasn't a kid when joker came out or else i would have bought a fucking fedora and fingerless gloves and started getting way into like sword culture yeah easily bad move oh yeah you never never did the, because you were popular comedy and football and acting. I loved it. Yeah.

So you didn't need. Kind of revered, honestly. You didn't need props. No. You had skills. And yeah, if you don't have skill, or if you don't have like traditional popular kid skills, you have to get into the tricks of the trade. Fedora, green Lantern ring.

Up close magic. Lightsaber. Driving like a hatchback, but it's like spray painted by all your friends. Classic. Yeah, that's the dirtiest douchebag 16-year-old rapist move is the spray painted hand-me-down car.

You see one of those and it's like, I'm going to follow you. I'm following you to the hentai hideaway because he goes by like a nickname like admiral it's like you're you're stealing valor you're 16 you're 16 like well played all right can i have my pretzel please can i have my pretzel please you're just gonna repeat me i'm a paying customer i don't own this place there's no customs here that's how those kids talk i'm not saying it's always good but they say that's where you got

that from sometimes you do that your entire act yeah you just say it with confidence i do and i'm huge and domineering yeah everyone's like uh what did he say last night that was nothing let's not break it down i didn't say anything that was too silly to get away with did i i don't know if you guys can guess where we're at but uh there's a couple clues Anything that was too silly to get away with. Did I? I don't know if you guys can guess where we're at, but there's a couple clues in the shot. But yeah, last night was great. First show was one of my favorite shows. It was very fun.

Ever, yeah. It was up there. Yeah. Top 100 shows of all time. You know what, dude? In all honesty, I'd put it probably in my top 100 as well it's very fun i wasn't feeling good i went up there you know what it did you know what you know what it was me having a really good set well you having a really good set but you also

you paddling my ass as soon as you got off and i just started giggling and i walked up there giggling yeah and uh and i gotta tell sharpie on stage lunge just paddled my ass that was fun yeah yeah so i walked on with this like weird giggly energy and then i fucking rained blows upon them for 18 minutes yeah before you ran out of before i ran out of juice yeah uh well that kid up front i think was developmentally disabled and i didn't realize i mean he wasn't he was fine didn't know developmentally disabled, and I didn't realize it until Garrett. I mean, he wasn't. He was fine. He didn't know what a basket was, and he didn't know his name.

And he was chewing on his thumb. And I went to give him a handshake, and he handed him a pen. Yeah. Oh. I said, me and Garrett here live in a hot air balloon, don't we, Garrett? You love the basket. And he went, what's a basket? And I was like, all right, Garrett.

He's untouchable, folks. He's undeniable. There's no one like, all right, Garrett. He's untouchable, folks. He's undeniable. There's no one like Garrett. Right, Garrett? And he went, who's Garrett? And I was like, oh, look at him go.

Let Garrett cook. And because when you realize that, then you have to like tap dance as if you knew the whole time. Yeah. As if it was a Machiavellian masterstroke and not just an atomic whoopsie that could ruin your career.

And then I went for a handshake and he handed me a pen and I was like, there's no one better than Garrett. Round of applause for Garrett. And when they clapped, he started flinching and biting. It was bad. Oh, yeah. That great first show was followed by a what the hell second show it wasn't even that bad you just decided that they were dog shit and you walked out oh they were dog shit and you like and then i made them i turned them into non-dog shit yeah i turned them into dog shit salad

no it ended up being fine they were just one of those it was like uh almost every crowd when we did hilarities in cleveland we were in that room, and they just didn't laugh at anything until halfway through my set. And we had a couple different hosts. They were fine to okay. It wasn't really them. And then the beginning of my set sometimes is like the strong part, and then I like limp to the finish line.

And that always sucks because ideally my you know, my closers, I think, are funnier than the beginning, but it just depends on the crowd. You're like a big bear who has to fight a bunch of wild dogs. Yeah. And by like,

you know, like up front, you're like killing dogs left and right, ripping their throats out. But then they get a bite out of you here and there. They claw you a little bit.

And by minute 20, you're just like, there's an eyeball hanging out of the socket. Your tongue is half connected to the rest of your mouth. Your claws are all you're just like put me down put me down finish me send me to hell i had a good run i killed a lot of dogs in my day then garrett's like you weren't running but yeah no they uh yeah well i just saw that they were like i don't know yeah they weren't

laughing and i was like uh-uh we're not doing this i'm just gonna i'm not just gonna wear it so i fucking addressed it pointed it out wearing it dominated thing everyone dominated them it's not new i think novice said says it i think dr kead says it. I think Dr. Kev says it. You said last night that Chris wore it and that made me laugh a lot. Made one of us laugh a lot. Chris Sharpentier, by the way.

He's been bitching that we don't intro him so people can't follow him. It's Chris Sharpentier. Good luck spelling it, dipshits. I've been telling people it's like sharpen a tear like you're crying because you're cut by a blade because you need to sharpen your tears and you both were like don't say that well well the first time i was like what do you what do you mean like that's just more confusing but it is like some context whatever. It's a little mnemonic device. Yeah, yeah. Sure. You're a demonic device.

I'm crazy. You're like a dildo that's 6.66 inches. I can give myself a little bit of a menacing shadow. And then I come into the light. There's nothing menacing about me. I am just a dollop of unrisen dough. Look, they put the sprinkles on the cupcake before they put it in the oven. Gross'm bad this is a great setup thank god thank god we were able to uh record in here so that we didn't have to do another no ac three to a bed fucking sweat head party

this is a little bit nicer when i was kneeling on the edge of the bed like i was praying listen to the patreon episode that uh hopefully has come out if becker puts down the whippet device it has because i've been called something by somebody a fucking cuck or a lib bitch already yes no Yeah. Oh, yeah. A limp bitch. A wet slut. Nathan Lund. He loves Biden. Because of the nudity thing.

Yeah, because of Biden. Just because I want to see my nephew's dick. You know what? No one brought it up. Also, weird slurp. Yeah. Oh, no. People love it. They like the eating and the drinking.

The burping and the farting. Well, you know how they say they like how they feel like they're in the room? Sure, ASMR. Taking a big swig of something makes them feel like you're in my mouth. Sure. Yeah, they like to pretend like they live in our mouths. And that, yeah. Our ears are like they're portholes to the world and they can look out and they can say

that's some good coffee this coffee is good and smells really good why did you make me feel bad I didn't know that my coffee didn't work well I'm just really surprised that for a man who lives on the road you didn't know how a Keurig works

because they are in every hotel room that I've ever been in you think I'm staying in hotels where do you stay when you're on the road i stay at the resort i sell the dana worst resort in all of san diego yeah i was pretty pumped when me too on my drive down you you sent me a text that said we are right on the water yeah and then uh to get there and find out that on the water means in a marina where you can't get into that water and you have to walk or drive a substantial amount to get into the ocean water however

nice view not great view you guys see all those boats wonderful view it's and you love marinas you told me yesterday you're like marina guy because you think it'll make your dad love you that's basically it that's how you broke it was less direct yesterday i uh kind of yeah i think that i like marinas because i assume that my dad also does i would never assume my dad to like anything aquatic interesting yeah he's not a waterman he's a land guy my dad likes canyons he likes a good old-fashioned tall cactus like remember we were driving through mexico and i was like my dad would love these cactuses you loved them so bad i was lost because your dad liked them yeah see there you have it that was like me being surrounded by marinas you talked to me about tattoos earlier i'm gonna

probably gonna get a tattoo of a big tall cactus wow it's on the list so you're copying me again tattoo two giant cactus maybe maybe we see. I don't know. Save it for four. Oh, really? What should I get for two? You should probably get your girlfriend's name. She's my fiance. Whatever.

She's a fiance. I can't keep up with all these fucking girls going in and out of your bedroom. Just a revolving door of young hole in there. How old is Renee? That's none of your business. How old is what's-her-ass fine she's 31 years old holy shit and you're 40 yeah whoa that's right whoa my man let's put a couple more candles on that cake huh celebratory and you when you you met her you said 15 years ago

that's what we call grooming yeah but you didn't you didn't consummate it until 14 years ago so come on now you didn't consummate you didn't dip your burrito taco didn't beef it yeah i waited until everything was on the up and up and then i went down five four three two one happy birthday you're 16 get over here no all right um come on when she was 16 i was going through terrible life crises oh yeah you were fucking wearing it dude you're trying to sell your teeth for party drugs. Holy shit. You were 23. That's when you met me. Yeah, dude. You were 24.

That's when I was really doing, that's when I started doing comedy. Yeah. You came over, you bought a bunch of opium, and you left. I told my friend, some old guy came over and bought all that fake opium. We're rich. Hell yeah. And then I woke up naked on my floor. Completely nude.

Completely nude to a bunch of hippies making hash in my i woke up and my roommate had invited a couple of weirdos over and they were making hash in my living room where i was where you had passed out yes i woke up and was like what the fuck and he was like what's up dude i was like okay and then they put on the black crows and finished making their the one roommate yeah cody sizzle died yeah oh yeah he's gone yeah he was so cool he died we would go over there i never i was never allowed over there and we would hang out over there and cody was a fucking trip man he was an animal you never knew what he was going to be up to it's gonna be something crazy. I came that one day. I woke up and I came out of my room and he had painted all over the apartment,

but not like cool painting. Really bad, like I'm fucked up at night. Just like little triangles or dots all over the place on cabinets, all over the fucking place. And I was like, oh my God. Is Alex Gray at your apartment yeah just getting it just like what the fuck and i was walking back to my room pretty pissed off and he painted all over the back of my door i'm sorry chris and then i wasn't mad anymore i was like

he knew he knew that's pretty good what were you so pissed about? That's fun. Set up punchline. It was fun, but you know when you're not like, you wake up and somebody else has defiled your stuff, you want to be a part of the defiling. Bro, I've woken up so many times in the strange rock and roll group homes I've lived in where everything, like the furniture is on the ceiling somehow. I mean. The dog is now a cat. There was no rules. The Manson family did that in helter skill or creepy crawling they'd

somehow i guess glue furniture to the ceiling our favorite move the walls party is to flip the furniture over in a house that'd be crazy flip it over flip it over all of it yeah because the kid whose house we're partying at we terrorized him into his bedroom then we blocked it so now he's just trapped in there and we're out here in the wine cellar just raising hell. Enjoying his parents' stuff. Yeah. We took a guy's tires off his car one time and rolled them around the living room carpet. Just ruined it.

Yeah. It was really bad. You were a bad guy. We were bad guys. You guys fed off of each other's feral instincts. Well, we'd just go to Parker and be like, oh, cool. It's a pussy party no girls allowed and then just like bully a boy and make literally make him flinch you know pants

and shove them and ruin their home bully it was bad i was a child if you were 21 no i'm talking like 14 15 16 yeah i know i learned empathy at a very early age. Same. I did a lot of my bullying very young and got out of that. Because you were in some kind of cult. Cult. We don't need to go back through that. It's not even funny anymore. We covered that. It's not funny.

All the people I've met that were in that cult with you, total losers. You don't talk to any of them, right? Yeah, yeah. Mark. Oh, cool. What? Mark Lee. What?

He was in the cult? Yeah, dude. That's how I met him. No way. I'm sure I knew that. That's how I started doing comedy. The only reason that we know each other now is because of Mark. Whoa.

Whoa. Mark Lee was in that cult with you. Yeah. The more you know. I met him. Dude, when I met him When I met him So I was 17 or something And this weird cult

Would have functions on the weekends To keep you entertained It would do all kinds of different shit Friday and Saturday nights Everything that you can do Let's make wicker hats Whatever But one of them they had an 80s party It was an 80s dance night party that you can do in the world. Let's make wicker hats. Sure. That kind of thing. That'd be a thing. Whatever.

But one of them, they had an 80s party. So it was an 80s dance night party. So I got all dressed up. I was in white sweatpants and a white sweatshirt, an Air Jordan sweatshirt. Sick. Very cool. I had a cool little flipped up hat and an old school skateboard.

Yep. And I went over to a couple of the guys' house. Bones Brigade's here! And Mark was his very first day in the group or whatever and he was there totally confused and i walked in looking like that all dumb with this dumb skateboard and i was like what's up man you want to go old school skateboarding and he was like yeah and i was like great and then we went skateboarding i didn't know what i was doing and he was like I was like fucking around and he really was skateboarding and I was like oh you're cool and then we got into his car and there was all this shit all over the ceiling and I was like oh what happened and he goes so sometimes like when I get all fucked up I'll like

cover my hands in glass like I'll put a tape cover my hands in glass. Like, I'll put a tape and then put broken glass all over. Kumite. And then, like, he's like, but then I'll jerk off. Ah, what? And he's like, and that's, like, blood and shit. No. And I was like, what?

Get out of here. And he's like, no, dude, a can just exploded in here. He's like, that's just a soda. And I's like, no, dude, a can just exploded in here. He's like, that's just a soda. And I was like, yeah, you're the man. But you were used to so many awful stories from all these mutants. Yeah, I was like, what the fuck? It blew my mind. So I was like 17, and we were like, you're my best friend.

Holy shit. And then we were pretty much best friends ever since. So he was a drug addict like you were? No, he didn't belong there. No? He didn't last very long. Yeah, but you would always say, I shouldn't have been there. I was a good guy. I didn't deserve to be there.

I was just drinking paint at the docks. He smoked weed twice and his parents were like we need to get you somewhere where they can lay hands on you and pray for you. Because you have invited the devil into your soul. Mark, we heard that bit you're doing with all the neighborhood kids where you're telling them

you're jerking off with broken glass you can't have that anymore mark yep you gotta go hang out with this little guy you're totally mental yeah this guy's gonna be your handler and make sure that you don't eat any more glass i think i don't know the situation but he didn't need to be there mark's a very fine person he's's a very normal, developed human. Yeah. Is he a marine biologist now or something? No, he's a... Well, he went to school to be an atmospheric meteorologist.

So the lamest of all of them? That was close. Is that the lamest of all of them? That sounds so stupid. What? Atmosphere science? Yeah. What's in the air, man?

Smells like spring. Here's your bachelorette. Smells like spring. Yeah, it's in the air, man? Smells like spring. Here's your bachelorette. Smells like spring. Yeah, it's stupid. The cum trees are in bloom. Very good, professor. That's what all weathermen are, are atmospheric meteorologists. So he wants to be a weatherman?

Yeah. That was the original plan. He would have gone viral. He would have been so funny about it. Wouldn't he have been? He was like, I'm going to do David Letterid letterman in reverse i'm gonna go from comedy to weatherman that was his plan but isn't he older than you yeah by a few years weird but you were like his big buddy when you he got into rehab what you were in rehab before him yeah so

you had more years of cuckoo cuckoo clock clock. Yeah, yeah. Then he came in and you kind of like showed him the ropes. I guess. Kept him from getting butt fucked or whatever happened in there. You got to pick a crew. You got to pick a crew for protection. No, it was none of that. I picked him to butt fuck him. Yeah, you made him hold your pocket.

Exactly. Get over here, you tall bitch. You like the air so much? How about the air down there? You lanky little bastard. Exactly. Get over here, you tall bitch. You like the air so much? How about the air down there? You lanky little bastard. Yeah. Mm-hmm. What were you going to say?

What did he end up doing? Oh, he ended up working for Facebook and then Amazon and all these other things because it turns out he's like a fucking genius. Total sellout. Yeah. He's very, very good with, like for fun a while ago just for fun he was building a computer program to like say who's got him to have to like do some sort of uh basically what if mark took you into his laboratory and he was like gentlemen i haven't talked to you in about seven years, but I want to show you my life's work.

Emily, come in here. Identified. She's got them. She had them more in the past. She still has them to some degree. Creech, come in here. Smoke starts coming out of it.

She's had them since she was nine. Her back is wrecked. She's not going to live long. Mark, you genius. You've done it again. Cut them off. Chop them. Wait, does not compute.

Cannot recommend cutting them off. Humans are friends. Kitties are friends. First, do no harm to them. If they've got them, preserve them. What do you got? You got a note from Mark? I was just...

So he doesn't like... You know, he hasn't done comedy in who knows how long. He barely did comedy. Sure. He was more of a song and dance man. Yeah, he was something. He did something up there that was very funny. He would hum gum into the crowd,

and we would all be like, well, he's the funniest one. He was a fucking animal yeah um he said that he wrote a screenplay that uh just recently that was like all about farts and farting and i was like this is so stupid and i didn't really even respond to it and then he said something back it said dude i bought the domain name HollywoodSuperAgent.com. I can't believe it was available. And then he goes on to tell me that he's going to do all this stuff

to build up some legitimacy for his fart movie that he's written. So he's trying to get some behind-the-scenes buildup from Hollywood Super Agent. He's just doing this on his spare time this is his windy city heat yeah when he's not deciding if it's cloudy or not cloudy all day what he does for fun while he's also like has two kids and a wife and continues to be brilliant all over the place i love that dang oh yeah i think i've seen him since built to spill at mishawaka oh goodness gracious we didn't know he was gonna be there there, right? Yeah. He was there. He was there.

It's crazy you had smart friends. It's very weird. All my friends were dumb as hell. Yeah. And continue to be. All my friends from back in the day ended up continuing to be very cool. They're either dead or doing cool things. Or they live in both realms like Macmillan.

I don't know where he is. Sorry we couldn't save you, Cody. Yeah, this is all. Well, I mean, I'm not glad that he's passed, but there made room for someone else. Me. Yeah, you snuck in. You were desperate for a new friend.

We were full of. Yeah. You guys were nuts to butts in the friendship pod. Yesterday I said how I befriended bobby first and then sharpie and then the two of you were like this dude sam is pretty cool and i was like i've met him not a fan you hated me i didn't i was i was a cooler younger you i didn't hate you you did you actively were mean to me no yeah i don't think i was you had swastika forehead at that thing and that halloween party that costume party not that thing

who knows what was going on but you definitely had a swastika on your forehead well what i'm saying is i met you at the swastika event that was when you fell in love protesting no i did i was like this guy's cool he's on the edge he's the bad boy of uh the swastika um finally finally the swastika has some edge to it they're back yeah and i remember you being like doing your thing you do to people you don't care about you're like no i'd be like hey i'm sam you'd be like oh yeah allegedly yeah i i wrote when when you moved to vegas in 2016 i wrote about how you didn't go to the squire because you saw that a lot of it was bullshit and not really worth it right and you were doing improv and so i was like all right i don't really know you know i'll

get to know this guy and then you had your day job so you didn't do the squire very often you did comedy works uh on a tuesday and then wouldn't go to the Squire. So we didn't get to know each other as quick as me and Bob. Me and Bob both went every Tuesday. You guys were ring rats. We walked. You were buckle bunnies. That's right.

We walked the same direction to go home. Both had weird relationships with our girlfriends. He stayed with Kiki for a while. Dude. Even though he was like, I don't think she likes me. And I was like, you got to get out of there, bro. She put cigarettes out on my chest. Yeah.

That's love. But she's really pretty. Because he's the youngest of five girls. He didn't know what love was, you know? Just used to being treated poorly by women. Yeah. Being told to shut up. Shut up.

I'm going to fucking dangle a loogie over your forehead while you name 10 candy bars. I'm horrid, Kiki. Kiki, let me get freaky in your geeky. I remember him saying that a lot. Bobby buried me the worst of anyone ever. Yeah. When we went up to the mountains

and he walks into the room and there's 12 people that he knew that were friends with Kiki. And he just goes on and he's like, you guys know Kiki? And they were like, yeah, she sucks. And he was like, yeah, she does. And then he just bad mouth this woman for like a half hour. And then I had to go up there and try and do comedy after they just had like a fucking, you know, awareness party.

Yeah, Inside Joke Fest 2016. And he was all cocky afterward. He's like, made you look bad, fat man. Made you look bad? Yeah. That's not very nice of Bobby. Well, you know how he talks. Made you wear it.

Rude boy. Yeah, he made me wear it. Yeah, and I wore it so hard. I mean, I had to get more fabric, so it fit me better. I loved wearing it. Mountain sun? Oh, it was somewhere. Hot stand up? No, I have no idea more fabric, so it fit me better. I loved wearing it. Mountain Sun? Oh, it was somewhere. Hot stand-up?

No, I have no idea. It was somewhere in the mountains. It wasn't in Boulder, yeah. Gotcha, gotcha. Anyway. Bobby's life was so cool. I was always like, Bobby's the coolest. Because he would go to that Vine Street Mountain Sun party.

Remember they had that Fourth of July party? Buddy, one of the greatest moments of my life happened at one of those parties. Oh, come on, Dish. Okay a squish dish here's the no hey if you're driving pull over sharpie's about to get us all hard and if you're not start driving yeah if you're driving just keep driving and road jack also i don't know if you guys heard last night asked the crowd if they were sitting down but that really made me laugh that is funny embrace yourself are you guys sitting down garrett was like i don't know he's kneeling

kind of um i'm a chair so they had a that vine street pub i don't know if they still exist i hope they do god bless them them. They're not open. Oh, that's a shame. They would have this awesome party, the 4th of July party, and then they also had one in the winter for all their employees where they would take them up to A-Basin. Which one? A-Basin.

You want to narrow it down? That's what it's called? Keep talking. I was like, I fucking hate you. You don't get it? Yeah, I fucking hate you. You don't get it? I do get it. You didn't get it? No, I do get it.

This is why we're the best. No. Oh. How about when he thought that I fell for him doing the, I'm not under my hat? He's so dumb. He thought that's how dumb I was, that I fell for him being in the pool and then putting his hat on his hand and then standing out of my line of sight, you know, just because I went along with it. He was like, I got him. I thought like a child.

Yeah, it was, but I'm not so stupid that I don't know what's going on. You had a wet bucket hat that you put your hand inside of, so it just draped itself over your hand. It looked like your head had turned into a hand. It didn't look like a head at all. That's scary. That's a spooky prank. It was spooky, all right.

Anyway, so you're at a nondescript basin. Yeah, somewhere in the mountains at just some ski resort. At A Basin. A Basin. A Basin is the basin. They have an area on one of their parking lots that they call the beach where everybody just sets up and kind of you can put up tents and a little shit and party all day there and ski and come down to it, whatever.

So they have that whole area reserved, blah, blah, blah. So we're all hanging out there. Bobby took me one year as his guest. So we were hanging out and partying there. And they had those awesome hot wings. Do you remember the hot wings? Oh, dude. So good.

How could I not? Exactly. Well, they do hot wing toss each year. They do the hot wing toss. And they were like, who wants to volunteer to do the hot wing toss? And I was like, I don't even know what it is. I'm a stranger here. Exactly.

But it sounds fun. Time to make an impact. Yeah. Exactly right. And they say, okay, well, we're going to throw a hot wing from Tongs, like straight off the barbecue. Straight off the barbecue. Oh, shit. Hot, hot, hot.

And we're going to throw it. It doesn't get hotter to you and you have to try to catch it in your mouth oh my god i'm down flat or wing uh wing okay and uh flat or drumstick and i i was like okay or yeah drumstick whatever the big one uh and i said okay i was pretty drunk i should mention yeah and i was like I'm going to do a down and out. So I made it. I'm doing it. I'm not going 10 feet.

I just turned. I was like, okay, and turned, told him I'm doing a down and out. You ran a slant? Yes. So I ran a slant. I went out, turned right, kept going. He launched it. I was running full dive.

I'm not kidding. You can call fucking Bobby. I don't want to talk to him. Laid out. In my mouth. Slid on my face. In the snow. Why don't we know this?

I got up. I was like, oh! The whole group cheers. Everybody's running over the dude who threw it. He's like, nobody's ever even been fucking close. No! It was amazing. I dove.

I got it. It was the best. I don't know that story about you, and you don't know the me getting arrested at the zoo story. Unbelievable. That's nuts. Yeah. All these many years later, and we're still figuring out new reasons to love each other.

Yeah, we still, yeah. I can't believe that. We had something recently in the last few days that we didn't know. That's fucking crazy, Chris. Yeah. That's nuts. Did you get laid? I mean, I don't remember.

You didn't need to after that. Yeah. I did right then. Yeah, you came in front of 400 people. I did too. That was the thing. I had a highlight at one of those. I was wearing shorts, but then every hour we would cut another inch off my shorts.

Were you there for that? I was at that party. That was a great one. Yeah, and that very pretty, small woman who somehow I bedeviled into a night of lovemaking later on she was cutting them that's and she kept feeling up oh there it is you know what yeah with the scissors she was cutting your dick no i'm edward scissorhand well she would have to like feel to see where the wangus was to not cut it

whoa oh shit you know who you did that to me what oh man i know who you're talking about okay yeah not the other one no yeah not h right yeah but then there was also uh what the fuck judy lee gerke did that to me too felled up your goang? Yeah, because she was helping me make short shorts. And she was like, oh, there it is. And it was like way too high up. And I was like, yeah, it sucks right now.

That's not a flattering length. She kept looking for it. She was looking at me. Oh. Yeah, and I was like, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. It was a deer pile. And I was well we're not this isn't gonna happen wow this is not gonna happen that's not fair that's not how it works it's not like it's supposed to just be like out all the time remember what you said about girls with their

pussies no they expect us to be hard at the drop of a hat. Meanwhile, they lick their fingers and touch their shit and it's certified fried gold. I didn't say that. Yes, you did. I swear to God, you did. When? I was telling you that I was having difficulties lovemaking with this person. You're like, don't beat yourself up, man. They just want us to be hard at the drop of a fucking pin.

It's bullshit. But they lick their fingers, touch their shit, and it's certified fried gold. This was back when it was horny Lund. It was 23 hour party person in one hour of like The one hour I wasn't killing it. I was just doing a little dance in the dark. I mean, yeah, that was when you

would skidamarinky dinky dink. Oh, boy. Goddamn, baby. The night we mooned you. Oh, man. That was a full moon. You were so pissed. Everybody had fun except for you that night.

That was a legendary night. We all caught hot wings to the mouth that night. Dude, that's so wild. That is awesome. In the snow. It was a good one. In the frigging snow. In the frigging snow. In the frigging snow.

Even better. Heat coming off, just, you know, smoke coming off of that hot wing. And snow, so you're not worried about diving. It's going to be okay. I just slid on my face. Yeah. It was incredible. That rocks, dude.

I love it. Hey, Nathan. Hey, Sam. Thanks for being here in our permanent podcast studio in San Diego. I wish. I want to ask you something. You know what's the worst? Genocide? Discrimination? Infanticide? Child hunger? No, I would say peeling your sweaty dick off your sticky leg. Oh man, yeah, I wasn't thinking about that, but that is the worst. You wish you could go take a shower but you work at a real job what this copy is fucking mean but you work at a real job and have to spend the whole day in

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not supposed to wear a bra that's what i say you're not supposed to wear yeah i mean if you live in my jurisdiction you're not allowed to but i know medical science says you got to keep those things supporting so they don't drag down and hang low like the sweet chariots that you are um this isn't gonna get us any more money so get a sheath sports bra my wife wears one nice and i go home and i pull it down and i just dump out the left one and i say oh. Look at this Pokeball. Catch Snorlax. And I whack myself in the face with it. So yeah, sheath rocks, sincerely. I know we're all having some fun here,

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That's sheathunderwear.com, promo code Chubby. get 20 off your first order plus sheath underwear is 100 money back guarantee that sheath underwear.com promo code chubby get sheath underwear support the show support your balls and now let's fuck each other let's take these sheets off yeah that's the only time i do is comics on sheet i just dropped everybody's sitting in those nice chairs but their pants and underwear are at their ankles back to the show what the fuck what when did i get this your fake fake watch isn't working yeah that's crazy it's crazy oh man this has been so much fun uh hanging out with the three of us the four of us obviously is always great but it's like once a year at high plains hard for all four of us to be in the same room so we invited bobby but he has to study for the bar when we yeah and we saw bobby a month ago in den, and that ruled. Now this rules. Because a lot of times, it's me on the road.

It's been me and Sam, and then a local host that he might know, but I don't, that neither of us knows, that we get to know. And that has a lot of different outcomes, a lot of different experiences

with some rando. It's great when it's great. But yeah. I got to say, people say, what do you think it is to be successful in stand-up? And it's this. It's having the boys in San Diego. It's going to the pool. It's knowing our weaknesses and our strengths.

It's knowing that we've been in the car for 20 minutes. Lon doesn't want to go to the beach anymore. Let's not go to the beach. I get that. Dude, that was such a relief. Because we tried. And I was getting frustrated. I was like, it's going to be so much.

It's good. There's going to be so many people. It's a Saturday in San Diego. We're effed. And before we even brought it up. Before you could even file a complaint. Well, because I knew I had a great time at Santa Monica Pier, got in the water, wonderful.

So I didn't want Sam to not have that. And then, pretty quick, after he says we're going to bail, he's like, we could try to get in the water tonight. And I was like, oh, my God. I love this man. Well, luckily, Chris was navigating us. And it was crazy that you took us to the rocky cliffs of Dover, where the water was 40 feet off of a jagged drop, and you were like, oh, I've been here before. This is perfect. And then we get out of the car still.

What was going on? Let's walk through this. I'll take you through what happened. Please help me, because... It was cool looking, but yeah. He was scared of getting local zone lead, and then that was tagged on a roadblock, like a closed road sign, local only. I was like, oh, God, we're going to get jumped.

The only thing worse would have been local age. We're going to get a skateboard to the head. Yeah, we were going to get pineapple hats put on our head, and then they're going to make us dance with our shirts off. Locals only. Follow our customs. What's her name? Carmen Miranda?

Yeah. Carmen Morales. Growing up in the 90s, as I did, you guys were older at this point. High school. And some of our listeners might not know this. Yeah. You were teaching at that juncture. Every movie in the 90s where kids would go to the beach, whether it was Surf Ninjas or

what's the one you guys like? High Point Robbers? Point Break. Point Break. Surf ninjas, surf robbers. Yeah, surfs up. Any surf-based cinema. It was always you would show up to the beach

and you'd have that stripe of suntan lotion on your nose and a big hat and sunglasses and then some jacked, tanned teen who had writer- strong butt swoop bangs would be like, locals only, pig. Go back to Ohio. I'm from Colorado. Even worse.

You like the mountains? We're gonna be mountain you tonight at midnight. Be here. And you're like, but you said I had to leave. Yeah, well come back in like eight hours. It's confusing, but we're in control. Those are the rules. We didn't make them. But your legs,

we didn't make either and we're going to break them if you're not here tonight. Exactly midnight. And then a bunch of other dudes start barking. And I just was like, I remember my mom

taking me to Florida when I was very little and being like, I don't want to go to the beach. We're going to get locals only. And she was like, look, look, look, look, look look look look look look at life's beach if you're a blanket

take that pineapple off your head and put some rum in it so anyway yes we didn't get locals only, but it was crazy. Please walk us through you taking us to a nondescript cul-de-sac and then saying, this is perfect. I've been here before. Well.

When the water was behind broken glass. Here's the situation. Breaking case of getting locals only. Here's the situation. It's just one of those shirts you put on that has a bikini girl on it. I have a feeling you'll believe me. I have been there before. I met my fiancé's best friend there.

We met for a sandwich. We met for a sandwich somewhere else and we brought them there and ate. So I said, oh, perfect, I've been here before. somewhere else and we brought them there and ate so i said oh perfect i've been here before what was not perfect was that i did not remember that there was no beach that we went into you didn't get into the water on the rock you had a nice time and watched the ocean in that area winter it was in the middle of winter i see so i was like oh we've been here i've been to this spot this is a good spot but i forgot that we didn't even get into the water we all sat there do you really think that that was the those were the steps that you went down there's probably a lot this is a good spot but i forgot that we didn't even get into the water we also do you really

think that that was the those were the steps that you went down there's probably a lot of those there's probably a lot of steps that there's probably 20 miles of that yeah that's probably true yeah what i did i thought that i was like there's no way unless you remember locals only well i remembered that the sign i got i got curb stomped right there. What I did do, though, is immediately when we were trying to leave is that it was going to take a long time to go to the cool beach. So I was like, fuck that. And I just picked another beach.

And that's really where I made the mistake was when you guys put me in charge. It's our fault. made the mistake was when you guys put me in charge. Well, it's our fault. Yeah. My first mistake was by saying you got it and me taking charge. I should have said, don't do that. I'm stupid. We should have known you're stupid. I'm stupid.

I'm dumb. Hey, I think my hands are feet. Surprise. I'm dumb as hell. Yeah. It was nice that we bailed, went the pool that was fun did pool stuff you tried to yeah confuse me and thought that i was as dumb as susu and that i was falling for it i got to ride you guys go i literally thought i said where'd sam's when i revealed myself you went whoa like you like oh right My reaction, I worked you.

To which I said, he is an actor. He's Mr. Ranch. I'm an actor after all. I must have gone. And Sam was like, whoa, I'm getting him. Yeah, I was like, holy shit, that worked? He's on the hook. I was like, I thought that was the dumbest thing I've ever done, but it worked.

Maybe I am. I also got to ride you guys like surfboards. Yeah. And I tried to do a Poseidon ride on each of you like dolphins which was pretty cool but i didn't get to do it now i get why you said beside it yeah yeah i was okay yeah we were like your war manatees exactly as you rose out of hell exactly to fight aries or whatever it was very hard to stand on top of both of you at the same time but i kind of got close. I got my foot on your back, my foot on your leg, and we made it for a second.

Well, you just surfed me regular. You actually did a hang ten. I did do a hang ten on your head. Your feet were on my head. I got both feet on your head and hung all ten of my toes off the top. How about the first time he got in was by first stepping on your chest while you were in the water he just extreme walked off off of your fucking hairy chest yesterday we went to the pool sam and i

i jacked it while you were jacking it yeah of course what did i do you jacked it i didn't jack come on you were like i want to stay back i'm too sunburned i was so sunburned man anywho sounded like a nightmare to do anything outside. Same when I went and got in the pool, and there was a family in the pool. That family consisted of a dad, a son, and then a much younger son. Very young son.

And we're talking maybe, I'm saying a teen, maybe young teen for the one, and then the other one, five? Something like that maybe? One definitely had pubes he had pit hair okay yeah sure and the older boy i wasn't checking that anyway yikes anywho uh they're playing some games doing whatever uh and at one point the littlest one got pretty close to me he was swimming with his head down and i was like whoa so i kind of

just moved out of the way i guess i'll go fuck myself but he kept coming at me he like i was like oh he was swimming at me on purpose he barnacled was very weird and then he like touched me and i was like okay yeah and moved away and then he did it again yeah he swam at me and then like kind of held on to me yeah and i was like okay yeah and it was it was very bizarre behavior how long his dad was like some people don't want to play and it's like that's not what's going on right now your son is attached with to a shirtless man your son wants human contact that you're not providing i'm talking he did it for a full 10 seconds before his dad said anything oh yeah how

long 10 seconds of a another person's child just yeah my kid's not even getting anywhere near somebody like you dude are you kidding me i could have been doing lines coming off of you i could have been doing anything there's water up here yeah my hands who knows what they were doing yeah he's down there he's naughty yeah no that's uh it was crazy yeah it was very bizarre to expect you to just like play along instead of being like he made me wear you're gonna you know you made me wear something you had to wear it you were wearing it all day at the pool or it last night or today yeah i hated it i hated that his dad didn't intervene the older boy just watched and nodded like been there been there, brother.

Yeah, at least he's not touching me for a minute. You've walked a thousand miles in my shoes right now. Yeah. And then we did see retribution today, though. Yes. Because the little boy was standing on the older boy's shoulders. Same pool. And the older boy was holding the hands of the little boy.

And then he said, all right, ready? On three. One, two. And then on three, just yanked the little boy face first into the water. So loud. So loud. So hard.

And then me and Chris laughed for like 40 seconds. It was awesome. It was incredible. Wait, that was the same family? That was the crew, that little boy who went face plant

into the asphalt. Remember that song? I don't. I don't. Shit. I think it was Heaven is a Half Pipe. Yeah.

Yeah. I remember that song. I also gotta feel Sharpie's balls on my back today, which we didn't

talk about. Remember when I was like, oh, I'm okay. He was like, are you okay you're like are you all right he we're playing you know the fool the football catch game and he was gonna jump over but you were trying to get onto my shoulders trying to piggyback myself on so i thought i was supposed to go under and you were gonna leap over right and catch but so when i ducked and you tried to mount instead you just dragged your tainting balls down my back in the water.

This is true. And I felt them through your shorts and was like, oh, yeah, we're all having fun. Found them. Yeah, there they are. We've got one. Yeah, last night on stage. Scootin' boogie. Last night on stage, I was completely gorked.

We had a nice time. Last 15 minutes of the set last night were confusing. You got gorked i got gorked i gorked my own show couldn't tell what was real and what was fantasy well i lied and said that about the he said they might be mushrooms or they might be thc he wasn't sure it was a 10 milligram thc that that cool guy nug lord gave us and i ate it right before i went on stage i showed you i think yeah like i said no sam no you're amazing oh yeah that's what he said you said right no my hero no you're a legend you're on you're on such a roll don't risk it some of these people are here to see you most of them won tickets make a memory yeah um some of their birthdays are in august make it

count yeah uh but yeah it was 15 minutes towards the end uh i was i was aggressively stoned and what's good had to fight my way out of that paper bag it's good that your act can be literally whatever you know what i mean like it's not like it got derailed by you explaining that that happened having a little fun with it and then being all over the place because that's normal so yeah the only thing that would have made it obvious is if you would have like slowed way down like lost your train of thought a bunch like and you didn't you didn't do that so it was good we got through it man you rode the wave man yeah but then afterward i had to sell merch and people would be like i saw you at skank fest with my son and

he passed away and i'm just like what what's going on the baby no longer round there's a bunch of dead kids what happened to the baby a bunch of kids have died in the last like eight months since skank fest yeah well this one one person last night was like i was there with my son or my brother or something and now he passed away jesus but you were his favorite one and i was like oh how do you spell mike How many books do you want? One for you and one for your son who's alive? You gonna put it on his grave? Read him a chapter every day.

What was that guy's name? Spicolin? From the movie? You keep sounding like Harry Carey. What was his name? What was that classic 80s film with Sean Penn? Was it The Rock and Roll Skateboarder?

The Rock and Roll Skateboarder. What was his name? Spikyman? I can't remember. I used to watch that movie all the time. It's not bad. He skateboarded on the ocean. It's not good.

What is that? Got away from me. Balboa. As soon as I pointed it out, you lost it. Of course, that's what happened. I blew it. Let him cook. Let him cook.

Let him cook. What sucks is tonight, we do this. Doesn't matter if we kill. Who cares? It's another night at the office. And tomorrow, you go, you go you go i fly and i don't know when i'll see you guys again i'll see you in 10 days or something oh yeah well you i forgot i'm moving yeah you know i'm packing all the shit in our our fucking pack mule and hitting the old dusty highway to eat asphalt for six months.

I'll never see you again. I mean, you just said six months. Yeah, but when will I see you? September? When will I see you again? For sure, September. Great. Great.

When will your balls touch my back once again? When will a child climb you like a ladder again in my presence? If I'm pretty much... Oh my gosh. I felt this in this chair and that's... We're not even connected. Not real. Rock-a-doodle.

That was psychosomatic. At a consanguine. What? You didn't feel it. Yes, I did. You couldn't have. That's what I'm telling you. I'm telling you, you didn't. It yes i did you couldn't have that's what i'm telling you i'm telling you you didn't

it's an illusion i just had pozole after being in the pool all day was it good it was too hot it was good too hot no because i had leftover salsa and you were like yeah we'll eat all these dip shit so i felt like i had to eat them all you the lady said do you want some salsa and she said they had i I think, four kinds. And you said, we'll take a smattering of salsa. The least helpful thing you could have said. Also, she doesn't know what that word means. She's 15.

We'll have a cornucopia, please. Can we have a veritable menagerie of salsa? We'll take the world tour of salsa. Take me around? I'll buy the ticket if you'll give me the ride. We'll go on a magic carpet ride of salsa flavors and spice levels. This ketchup is spicy. It was...

Ground ball. She must have hated that. Yes, I'll be right back with your smattering of salsa. She didn't hate it. I tipped her five bucks. No one has ever tipped her before. She ate. She loved me.

She said, El Rey, El Rey. i'm glad we ate there that was good it was good it was good uh yeah too much salsa but yeah you burned your mouth it was nice to go back to the days of me not being able to finish my food and just we are right there circling like sharks i mean you did. You certainly didn't wait for me to let you know that I was done before you were picking off of it. And then you said, no, no, you had a couple of little pieces of meat as it showed up. You said, absolutely. You guys should have some. I'm already full.

I don't want either. I don't want either of these things. I just ordered to fit in. I ordered what you ordered. One taco and a tostada. And both were three times as big as I would have guessed. Thank you. So you knew you weren't going to need it all.

You weren't going to eat it all. I also offered it to Sam immediately because his food didn't get there yet. And he was pissed. He banged the table. He banged the table and said, gimme, gimme comida. Gimme, gimme comida. Dame comida. Donde esta mi comida

mi gupta necesito comida I'm gupta and I would like to get my garbage plate please did I tell that on the pod I don't know did he yesterday gupta and little gupta I don't know if he did I don't think you did

proudest moment as an uncle little susu I had to babysitter for four hours by myself I don't think you did. I thought you did. Proudest moment as an uncle. It was in the car and it was at dinner or something. Little Susu, I had to babysit her for four hours by myself. Uncle Buck style. Yeah, and she woke up after 10 minutes in her crib, taking her nap after the rest of the family went to a whitewater rafting. Made her a giant pita. Come get it, little Gupta.

Little Hayabusa. Wait, no, what's that dude's name the little guy haganush what's his name i knew it i knew it wasn't haganush and hayabusa was a wrestler but can i get to my thing oh god forbid you don't like when somebody interrupts you nine times? You couldn't stop burping to tell your story anyway. Shitting words. Fucking gas factory. You don't like that? You don't like when you get hit with your own finisher? You'd have to talk through a burp. I had to sell for you.

God, that reminds me of this morning at breakfast i told you you told me about the omelet truck there were free refills that away and it was into the water i almost i almost went i don't imagine that story isn't even good coffee's over there on the other side of those rocks and i was like where the ships are you're like yeah and i was like where the dock is you're like yeah you go you walk down to the dock and then you walk to the end of the dock and you tell them uh how much cream and sugar you want and then watch out it might be an insane oh doc yeah i didn't get it at all i had been awake for 15 minutes went the wrong way to get to the lobby and restaurant area.

So I was like, oh, I'm really on fire tonight, Einstein. And then, yeah, I show up and get food. And you're like, yeah, the omelets are over there. But what did you say? It might be an Insano cart. Yeah, and I just was like, that doesn't mean anything. Chris also. I didn't take it at all. Yeah, when Chris sat down, he was like, yes, the mean anything. Chris also. I didn't take it at all.

Yeah, when Chris sat down, he was like, yes, the omelet cart's over there. You can get omelets if you want. I was like, you better watch out. It could be an Insano cart. And then you just looked at me and you said, I can't wait to hear whatever bullshit you're going to say next. And I couldn't get it out.

I was laughing. And when you came, I was like, yes yeah the omelets are over there that was the dresser now it's showtime yeah yeah the lights fell a sandbag hit someone on the head but yeah then you showed up and i told you you know the omelets are over there but watch out it could be an insano truck. What did I say? What the hell does that even mean? What the hell are you talking about? I told you. Yeah, you said. I told you.

Well, I just, you know, so they've been setting up these carts and you walk up and you think you're getting an omelet. But in reality, they hold up a black and white pinwheel and it spins and then it drives you mental. And then you said, why did you say any of this? Yeah, your attempt at fun this morning got extremely shot down. Fuck, dude. Sorry. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready. mean well it wasn't my best stuff but i wanted to eat that buffet i told you they started packing up at like 11 25 so i knew i was when i got lost i was like fuck you're blowing it they're gonna take away the hot stuff you're just gonna have cereal and fucking a banana but no i got to have everything but yeah susu you're with susu you had to watch her so you were telling me you've been getting older yes i was with susu byron allen sam talen my man sam talen man we were talking backstage and he was saying i understand you got a niece you got a uh a three-year- got a three-year-old niece. And sometimes the family leaves you alone with her.

Is that right? That's right, Byron. Yeah. So the other day was my first time babysitting my niece, Susu. Who names a kid Susu? I'm sorry. Anyway. No, it's good.

I'm Byron. I know. Let's see. You got me. got me okay with it you got me yeah we can do a bit while i tell a decent story it's not very good yeah so anyway yes byron you were telling me how you like to do voices yes byron's alan uh so anyway she i hear like rummaging in her fucking room. Is that so hard? Thank you. I hear rummaging in the room. This is pretty hard.

You guys are driving me insane-o-cart right now. Here's your omelette, sir. This isn't an omelette. You just put it in your face she woke up she didn't sleep she didn't sleep she didn't go to bed and she crawls out of her crib i hear her hand on the doorknob i go to answer the door i open it and she looks up at me and she says i'm awake kind of like let's do this shit that boy you know i'm awake guess what yeah i'm awake so i let her draw all over the table with crayon you know i let her like fucking do my hair but the big bit was i told

her i was like i had this like green rubber band and i was like oh i'm gupta and this is my snake and she was like well i'm little gupta and i put the snake in the garbage she right away did the voice maybe i was doing the voice a little bit before that. I think I've been doing the voice. Maybe? He said maybe? What are you talking about maybe? Well, I've been running the voice around, Byron.

Yeah. So I told her, I'm Gupta. This is my snake. And she took the snake. I'm little Gupta. I put the snakes in the garbage. And then she just started putting everything in the shower. That was the garbage.

She took my shoes. She took my glasses, my phone. And everything went in the garbage for then she just started putting everything in the shower that was the garbage she took my shoes she took my glasses my phone everything went in the garbage for like a half hour so anyway that night uh the family comes back and i'm like hey susu who are you and she went i'm little gupta and i was like and what do you do she's i put these snakes in the garbage and then we started laughing really hard and her mom was like what did you do what have you done how does she know that voice i was like i didn't teach her the voice she's doing it on her own so that was me uncleing i taught my wife's sister's baby so you're gonna be at the mic drop tonight in san diego is that right byron yeah come on through uh serviceman drink free god we we watched the opposite of comics unleashed last night on fox news oh my god

gut fell oh my god people had the dumbest name that was so rough one lady's name cat timp her head was huge timp is rough she looked like she had like some autoimmune disorder where her body quit growing beneath the neck she She was like, I don't know anything about conservatism. Yeah, Gutfeld was brutal. There was that one bit, though, where they put bongos in it, and I was like, all right. And you loved it.

I thought it was decent. I had a fish burrito, and I'm gassy. And I had a squirt. And I'm gassy. Fish burrito? You burp? You've been eating a lot of burritos. I also slammed both of these.

Red Bull and Liquid Death. I will say you drink more liquid than maybe anybody I've ever seen. You're a liquid guy. I am. All your money's in liquid. I like to be hydrated. I am liquid. I don't like being dehydrated.

I don't like feeling dried out. Sure. And I've told... I had this shot down by emily years ago but i told her and the grip strength's insane oh hell yeah you're on that i'm you doing the lun workout i'm you yeah except liquid death uses like a very small amount of you gotta drink it before you crush it. You forgot. Classic Sam T.

What a classic Sam T. Oh, I forgot to drink it all the way. That's not how I sound, but whatever. That's okay, Byron. You still got the workout. I told Emily years ago, I was like, you know, I eat like shit and I drink and smoke and blah, blah, blah. But I drink a lot of water and I feel like that could maybe balance it out. And was like no it doesn't i was like good all right yeah so i'm still uh freight train headed straight to hell yeah she shut you down immediately yeah but i yeah i like to drink a lot of water and soda water i don't drink a lot of

soda and it's like yeah i'm gonna eat half of candy, but I drank a bunch of water, so that's good, right? It'll just make it hard to cremate you. That'll be on my tombstone. But yeah, I got to whiz constantly. That's not pre-diabetes, right? Makes me feel good. No, pre-diabetic is when you pee a lot, even if you don't drink a lot of fluids.

Are you smelling your urine? Yeah, it's usually pretty clear because I drink a lot of water. Dude, after a night of drinking beer my piss just smells like baked lays now yeah and you love to not flush even when i don't flush pee even when even when you're with your friends yeah we do a mellow yellow situation i didn't flush i grew up on like a private well we didn't have a lot of water we didn't have a lot of money you know you're used to it yeah well i had to wipe with sand i had to clump as they would call it you had a brick next to the toilet up not well you ate all the toilet paper so you had my grandpa's house

toilet paper use other stuff it's a precious resource uh oh uh here we go for some reason i thought oh because we because we mentioned Catalina. We were talking about places we could go for your bachelor party. We mentioned Catalina. We mentioned Brazil, you know, take the David Borey tour. And what? He went to Brazil. Yes, he did.

All right. So that's fine. And he saw a lot of cool churches down there. And Catalina reminded me that when I was in high school, we went. What's happening over there? You sound like, okay, my leg's asleep. Come on. Sorry.

Doing a cool bit over there. My leg's asleep. I can't stop jiggling. You got restless leg syndrome. Well, yeah. But, you know. All right. Save it. you got restless leg syndrome well yeah but you know all right save it uh that's not i was all stone he couldn't save it i was in bed and you were talking about having restless leg and i said what about restless egg and i lost it got your phone got my phone wrote it down in my phone in the jackpot jokes folder

new closer colon the closing i did i think i think that was that he was joking about that yeah restless he was stoked about it i'll do it tonight i have no doubt you will can't wait anyway you were saying. In high school, I go to Catalina with my. You were saying something about high school. Is that right? No, you went to school after middle school and before college. Is that right?

And was this school like elevated? Was it at a elevation above the rest? Something I called a high school. That's right, Byron Graham. Byron's doing the voice. Anyway, so in high school, I'm with... I'm Byron Allen. Welcome to Comics Unleashed.

Unleashed. Unequivocal Comics. No, I was with Jessica Magro, who I've mentioned before. My first real love. My first lost my V-card to Marilyn Manson girl. She broke my heart. She cheated on me. Got fucked at the fucking swimming pool she worked at.

Everybody heard about it. That's right. Yeah, no, it was awful. She took me and spun me around like a basketball and then dunked me. And then made you wear it. Yeah. Ow! What happened?

I think I chipped my tooth on the arm of this thing. You bite it? I went in smiling and I left frowning. Now I'm crying. Ow! That hurt like a bitch! It's just gushing blood. Ow!

Podcast is over. Early shows. Oh, fuck. So yeah, I'm with Jessica. We go to Catalina with our biology class. I think it's fun and we're like kind of bickering a couple times and then i can't remember exactly the argument but we got into a big argument about like the where the moon goes during the day and i'm so confident that i'm right and she's wrong i'm acting like she's a real garrett you

know kind of spy situation cocky i'm like nudging my dickhead friends i'm like she thinks the moon you know sets like the sun whatever it was she was right she was correct i'm so fucking cocky about it i'm wrong and she's furious because she's right and i'm just acting like i'm just killing it i'm like i'm on varsity quiz what do you do play three sports idiot so i blow it she's furious at me we like break up essentially you know it was that kind of big fight she storms off and then i hadn't thought about this in so long but uh on the bus ride back to henderson from cat from la whatever uh i cried and listened to how's it gonna be by third Eye Blind pretty much over and over. And, you know, it's like a four-minute song, but it's like a three-hour bus ride home.

So I listened to that song 90 times, bawling because of my inability to love correctly or be wrong and admit it uh it was so and it's just so funny to think about that type of uh youth uh heartbreak and to just be completely the the reason why i was crying really sucked i had that when i was like 23 with the nina simone song i was driving home from a lot cooler than mine no well no because at least yours is like a contemporary pop hit i remember driving home crying and screaming along she fed me tea and oranges screaming along to roxanne by fucking nina simone my tooth hurts hey guys thank you for uh supporting the patreon you should if you haven't this is a free one right but you should if you have not nice say thanks man i but you can feel you want to feel my tooth no you chipped it for real i chipped it for real so funny yeah i had a really hard time not laughing during your story because i was looking

at him well i would look occasionally and i just think it's very funny i didn't have a hard time not laughing during your story. Very easy time. Come on. Yeah, because you're in a bunch of pain because you're an idiot. And you thought you saw a fruit roll-up that somebody was holding next to your face, so you tried to take a bite. Oh, what a delicacy Byron Allen has bestowed upon me. You know you can't get that close to my face without getting in my mouth. Oh, something for me for being a good boy.

I did eat a fruit by the foot last night in your car in the back. What? Yeah. There's a bunch of shit back there. He's just rifling through, rummaging. Fruit by the foot. Yeah, you get a fruit by the foot. Rummaging around, seeing what he can put in his mouth.

Sometimes he's right, sometimes he's wrong. That wasn't my fruit by the foot. Yeah, I ate one. So prove me wrong. I can't, fruit, by the way. Yeah, I ate one. So prove me wrong. I can't, but I really don't know where. Okay. Support the Patreon. Patreon.com slash Chevy Behemoth.

$5 a month. We'll get you a bevy of bonus episodes. And now we're doing great videos on there. Patrick Richardson's on the road with us. He's putting out hilarious videos. He's here right now. He's not here right now. And that's why we're laughing.

That's why. And we're having a good laughing. That's why we were able to sleep. That's why I couldn't sleep. Now I'm used to the snoring, and I need it. Yeah, it's like when dudes sleep in the belly of a submarine, then they go sleep in their own beds, and they can't sleep anymore. They're like, boring.

Yeah, they're like, God, I wish I was watching Byron Allen. Where's the giant squid? So yeah, join the Patreon. It's five bucks a month. It's awesome. We use all the money. It goes back into the videos. I'll be in Chicago the 12th.

That's sold out. Waukesha, Wisconsin the 13th. The 14th and 15th, I'll be at House of Comedy Detroit. Go to those shows. And then I'm fucking abroad. I'm coming to Australia to see your dumb asses down there. I'll be in Australia all of August. And and will be in Japan at the Tokyo Comedy Club. Crazy.

The, I think, 28th and 29th, that last weekend in July. I'll be 41. Boston. In Chicago. Coming to Boston in September. 14th and 15th of July, I'm at the Savage Henry Comedy Club in Eureka, California. The website is savagehenrycomedy.com. One show each night.

Please come out if you're in Humboldt. Would love to see you. What about you? I ain't got shit, man. Sharpest. Who knows what the fuck's happening with me? So sharpie. I'm floating.

You were telling me you didn't have shit. Yeah, here's the thing. I haven't made a plan for my life. Is that a problem? No, it's all right. You're engaged to a real hot piece of sale who's really young. You got some money coming in. Money in your pocket and a song in your heart.

And you're friends with us. That's true. That's pretty good. Better than most. Yeah. Look at the positives for sure. You got a lot of good going on. Hey, what a friend.

I'll give you this tooth. Yeah, free tooth. I could use it it as you guys know I got a spot for it Goodbye Bye thank you bye