Chubby Behemoth - Cheers

Episode Date: August 5, 2020

Episode One: Cheers Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth.

Man, I think I might have threatened several people with being thrown down the stairs, is the unfortunate. That was kind of your closer for a while. That was the selling point. Yeah, people would come and they'd be like, whoa, who's he going to throw down the stairs tonight? Will it be an old woman? We were putting plants in the crowd to see who's taking bets.

Like, okay, we've got a Laotian child. Maybe he'll huck her out the window. That was a fun time. When you were at the peak of your frenzy. Yeah, let's start the podcast with that. My lowest point. That wasn't your lowest point. It's up there. No, your lowest

point was that set you did in Greeley where you bombed for a half hour then I had to dig out. That was the manic. That's what it said. That pulled the pin on your brain grenade. You know what it was? Catholic priests touching kids. Oh, yeah.

And then you had your whole Tondric investigation. Do you know about this, Becker? Uh-uh. Oh, yeah, Lund's... This is the dumbest way to start. Oh, this is fine. This is good. We're not using any of this. Oh, what do you want to do?

You want to talk about coronavirus? We started with no introduction at all. So what? It was just a mid-conversation. I think podcasts are... They're not as new of a medium as you think they are. I think people can figure it out. The first episode should not just be middle of a conversation.

Nobody knows what we're talking about. You're right. We should hold their hand and be like, Hi, I'm Sam Talent, and this is Nathan Lund. Yes, we should hold their hand. With the first episode of a podcast, of a new podcast. Well, what, do you think they just stumbled upon this? I'm pretty sure they're fans

of you or me, probably me, and Yeah, I don't have any fans. I got Ed Meyers, Sad Meyers. You got girls sending you boobs. Okay, why don't you take it then? Let's have a totally inorganic start. It'll be good.

Hey everyone, welcome back to the freakiest fresh podcast in the game. Chubby... Shimmer. Episode one of at least 17 future episodes coming at you. Coming India.

We're bareback, baby. You're riding the slug. I'm on the snail. Why not start a podcast in 2020 as they're on their way out? Yeah, especially at the end of this hoax that we're all a part of. Oh, that's what we're going to talk about. Yeah, it's the big hoax. Hey, the hospital beds aren't full, man.

That's all I'm saying. Yeah, the last hospital I got kicked out of was practically empty. There was nobody in there. I was like, hello. I broke in to get a new defibrillator for our house. I was flicking the lights. Hello. Hello.

Anybody home? Yeah, so this is it, everyone. This is the new podcast sensation. You know, everyone's talking about it. The New Yorker called it an attempt. It's good it, everyone. This is the new podcast sensation. You know, everyone's talking about it. The New Yorker called it an attempt. It's good stuff, people. There's a lot of podcasts, and a lot of them are bad. And hopefully this will be a good one.

Right. Well, God forbid we start the podcast with a story about Lund's mania. Yeah, I didn't want to do that, but we're doing it. We're doing it. We did it already. Eight years ago, I had a manic manic episode and Sam can't get over it well it was the peak of our friendship I think I never felt so close to you

that's unfortunate you would watch me sleep remember I need to make sure he's not dead that was when we lived together we shared a bed we lived in a place called Mouth House I'm doing the drops we're trying to get on together. We shared a bed. We lived in a place called Mouth House. Mouth House.

I'm doing the drops. We're trying to get on 103.5 The Fox. Got ahead. That was ZZ Top. That was two seconds of Top. Here on Ch-Ch-Ch-Chubby Bohemian. My back.

Why not? Speaking of dying mediums, we're doing a podcast that sounds like a radio show. And then we're going to critique old big band music from the 30s and 40s. Come on in, man. Squirrel Nut Zippers, remember them? Yeah, the revival. Well, yeah, that was the second wave of feminism slash big band music. My Aunt Julie came home from a Borders bookstore and she was like,

Hey, have you guys heard about the Swing revival? And my dad just chugged another fucking Red Dog beer. Shut up, Julie. It's back. It's back. We'll have to wear shiny shoes now. He was like, how'd you get in here? Cocked a gun.

But yeah, what do we want to do? We want to talk about all kinds of stuff. We've been friends for a long time. We want to cover friendship, sincerity. Right, male bonding. Male bonding. Male bondage. Male bondage, man.

Yeah, we're trying, you know? And we're trying not to be toxic or masculine. No. People have been begging for this podcast. I mean, it's all over r slash all. 8chan, they started a petition on there. Uh-huh. We need, look, it's 2020.

The world is in a grip of crisis. You know what America needs? Two fat white guys. Two straight white guys. Well, don't put me in that box. You are married to a woman. Last I checked. Don't gender my wife.

How dare you? You've never checked her. Don't wife my gender. Yeah. That's a fun bit. To be like, hey, don't gender him. Yeah, yeah. That never caught on for some reason. It's pretty fun.

Yeah. Fun with wokeness. Mm-hmm. Now, what? We used to hang out all the the time but now we really can't as much so this will be another way there's too much sexual tension yeah that's right will they or won't they our wives are jealous remember when your ex uh thought you and kevin o'brien were fucking sure yeah that was a healthy relationship. Some people are confused and maybe a little angered by two men that are close. Right. Yeah, there can be allegations of homosexuality that are unfounded.

You know what was fun about that ex of yours accusing you of banging Kevin O'Brien? Friend of the pod, by the way. Kevin O'Brien. Is that she was a lovely, voluptuous woman with curves for days and legs that went up to bwang here. Meanwhile, Kevin O'Brien, pretty much a scarecrow of a man.

Like a broom with a hat on. Not a curve on him, he's all elbows, very angular. I think we had a lot of people curious or jealous of how close we were. Our little group of comics from like 2010. how close we were there our little group of comics from like 2010 yeah they were like what's the appeal 2011 yeah what are they doing over there why are they giggling so much even though they smell so bad right why do they hang out with

nate balding so much yeah why are they listening to what that guy has to say you know obviously insane when i think of of Nate Balding, I think about that guy who hung out with, like, Rodney Dangerfield and Lenny Bruce, that Joe Ansett guy, who, if you read

Lenny Bruce's book, they're like, he was the funniest guy ever. He just never did stand-up. I don't know him. And it's like, if you ever hung out with Nate Balding,

I would always be like, he's a really funny, really smart guy. If you hang out with him, you think he fell down the stairs. Right. Like, you know, he was half-smothered as a child. yeah so yeah you had to i think you had to be around him

a few times to appreciate the whole and if you just saw him or heard him talk once randomly yeah it could be very off-putting or concerning whoa that guy's going through it and it's like no no no he's fine he's cool he's actually excelling right now. He's very intelligent. He's flourishing. That was a lot of us, yeah. We were trying to go beyond the normal stand-up, you know, because that's boring.

Yeah, we were artists who were pushing the boundaries of the creative form. We were trying to figure out cool ways to talk about 9-11. No one ever cracked that code no yeah uh maybe kronberg was kronberg focused on it and i'm kronenberg great director ben kronenberg i think is how you say it yeah god yeah let's mispronounce what's ben kronenberg misgender and mispronounce zach reinhardt is another one that uh people he's been here for a decade, and people are still like, yeah, that Zach Reinhardt.

It's like, who told you that's how you say it? Or like Murrow Wiles? Yeah, Marrow? You mean Mark Marrow Wiles? Marrow Rinaldo? Yeah, Marrow Wiles is a tough name, apparently, for people to... People that have known us for years can confuse us. Yeah.

And that's hilarious to me. People will call me Sam, and it's like, how? What? You just saw both of us in the same room, and we're two different people. Also, you're usually sleeveless nowadays and wearing basketball shorts, and I would never be caught dead in that one. Oh, yeah, you're so nouveau. I'm nouveau riche. I'm on the cutting edge of fashion out here the shorts get shorter the uh the mustache gets longer

i'm wearing hats now yeah we both have mustaches which yeah i don't love well dibs no way sorry dude get your own thing. I've embraced the mustache since the coronavirus scandal. I'm pivoting. Well, it's a time for people to reinvent themselves. Some people are starting gardens, baking their own bread. I'm starting a victory garden. Because we won. We beat the virus.

Yeah, premature victory garden. Premature ejaculation garden. I go out there and come soft. Till the fields with your seed. Here's something fun. Remember in that group chat when we were trying to cheer up our buddy Urist? And I was like, my way of cheering him up was telling him how much I used to cum in my pants. Oh, yeah, that worked.

It worked. He was like, thanks, man. I needed this. This was a light in the dark. I used to cum in my pants all the time. And not even hard. I would surprise myself with a soft, wet one. Which I thought

meant I had prostate cancer. Yeah, you didn't even get hard. No, I'd get so excited, so worked up, that my brain would skip the part that sent blood down there. And they would just turn on the faucet. so I didn't get any of the fun either, you know?

But in a sexual situation. No, just like at Subway. Just like, oh, they got the nine-grain back. I got a fourth meatball on my six-inch. Yeah, no, it would be in a sexual situation, and it would be way early. It wouldn't even be in the bedroom. It would be like I would put my hand on a girl's thigh in the

movie theater and she wouldn't slap it away or call the police i'd be like nice oh brother and how old are you when this is happening 25 i was thinking 17 no no second person that that you're going to have sex with? No, you're talking the prime years of your life. Yeah, yeah, the most virile. And your dick's still not working right. I mean, eventually I would work up a hot one to put in the oven. I would get the pizza paddle out.

But I would need a reprieve. That's why I wore pants. What do you think I was wearing? That's why you wore pants. I was wearing fireproof coveralls for so long, because there was a fire inside. I was AFI in my jeans. As long as they withstand liquids that are about 98.6 degrees. Yeah, exactly.

And all salt. Or a little higher. The salinity was through the roof. You were sponsored by Bulwark, is that right? Bulwark brand coveralls the kind the pros were that was that was when we were talking about when we were uh just a bunch of goofs that people were jealous of even though we looked like we lived in the hills yeah exactly yeah i used to do that opener about looking like the bad guy from men in black one oh yeah the yellow king from true

detective yellow king didn't do us any favors I was also wearing those same tan overalls. Yeah, that yellowish, yeah, mustard, dirty mustard kind of look. Yeah, the dirty mustard was on the inside. Yeah, you were filling them up. I was, dude. Yeah, like when Emily and I first got together, I'd be just fucking cumming in my pants all the time, just at the thought of, like, you know, subjecting her to my will.

Getting married to her. Yeah. Holding her hand. Right. Yeah, we have both been with our wives for about eight years we started seeing yeah you copied me each other yeah it's the mustache all over again i saw you and i was like whoa sam's killing it whoa monogamy all right yeah i'll try it i'll try on these pants. There's cum in them. No third day wearing these bad boys. And that's what sucked too.

I'd have all these old dry jizz in my pants. And I'd have to wear those pants. Because I only had one pair. Because I was destitute. With a small wardrobe. Not a lot of possessions. Someone threw all your clothes away. You still haven't forgot about it?

Well, God. I mean, I had nothing. And what little I had was in a bag. And we hung out with a guy. Who's dead. Who has passed on. You're relishing that. You celebrated it.

It's a small victory. He won the battle. But I won the war. You're the north yeah we had nothing and somehow he was like yeah this guy doesn't need his five shirts

and two pairs of shorts everything that he owns that he's not wearing I'm gonna throw away and yeah he made it seem like he didn't know where the bag went and it's like

it was in your car and then it was in your house right you lost like three who farted t-shirts in that exchange yeah there was some good stuff in there I was stupid and then it was in your house. Right. You lost like three Who Farted t-shirts in that exchange. Yeah, there was some good stuff in there. I was stupid and the arrow was pointing down. Yeah, it was the second best shirt I ever had.

The best shirt I ever had I also just lost. You did? I left it at a show in Colorado Springs and the guys that host the show said that they had it and they lost it. You lost your clothes there. I lost everything because of coronavirus. Everything but my wife and my dogs was gone. I heard your dog is cheating on your wife with...

Whoops, the other way around. There's a lot going on there. Let's save that for episode two. Your wife's been banging your dog. Oh my god, that'd be crazy. That would suck. It would be cool, I guess. If the dogs are both happy. I'm going to get mad. I'm going to get jealous.

She committed to me. There are kids, so that would be weird to have any sexual relationship. It's less weird for your wife to bang your dog than it is for you to think of your dogs as your kids. Yes. That's insane. Shut up, Becker. We got Jake Becker in here

and you're going to hear him being ignored throughout the podcast. Becker we got Jake Becker in here and you're gonna hear him being ignored throughout the podcast Becker's our producer already picking a side and it's Sam's side

he just talked about how much he came in his pants just in that situation I'm not on his side in the cup in the situation oh but that was

oh but the whole thing was that he's he's saying it's weird for me to call my dogs my kids. I would rather my dog fuck my wife than anyone else. Okay. Because at least I'm not competing with a human penis.

And it's going to die soon. Yeah, after I walk in, it's dead. It's not like she's going to leave you for the dog. We already live together. All three of us already live in the house. Yeah. So where's the dog? The dog's not going to get a condo.

He's a lazy ass. He doesn't have an ID. Let me tell you that story about my sister. What? Emily was talking about it's cheaper to buy your dog a seat on a flight than it is to pay for the dog allotment on a flight. So Emily, my sister was like, why don't you just buy him a seat? You know, you'll save like 60 bucks.

And then she went, oh, he doesn't have an ID. And she was like dead serious. Like that was the only issue with the plan, was that my dog didn't have a driver's license or a passport. We've got to go to the DMV real quick. Yeah. Yeah, Sophie is a hilarious person. She'll probably be on the pod at one point.

I don't know if we're going to have her on the pod. Let's get Kim and Sophie on here. Sister power, yeah. Sister power, dude. We've got great sisters. We have great wives. Yeah. We have wonderful women in our lives. Very lucky. Sister power, yeah. Sister power, dude. We got great sisters. We have great wives. Yeah. We have wonderful women

in our lives. Very lucky. We're very lucky. Because there's nothing desirable really about us besides our intellect. All we have is our passion

and our sincerity. Right. How earnest we are. I would say my collection of earnest VHSes. Yeah. Our ability to quote

all 17 Ernest movies and the TV show. People forget about the show. It was a show first. That was when Ernest dealt with the AIDS crisis. It might have been a movie and then the show. Ernest Goes to Camp, then the show, then... I think it was the show first.

I watched the whole documentary on Ernest P. World. I'll bet you did. He started off as an advertising team. Did he or didn't he kill his wife? She lives. But yeah, people, we're glad you're joining us on this romp through memory lane. And look, we're going to get to the bottom of some stuff on here. Are we? I think so.

We're going to solve some some murders have some fun yeah did Patton Oswalt kill his wife tune in next week hey man don't spoil it I'm watching that show on HBO

that's a show not did he kill his wife oh there's a show I was like damn I had that treatment that was my pitch there's a

well I haven't I haven't seen the last end of the series but there's been like four episodes about... Is it the Golden State Killer? Well, yeah, but it's about Michelle McNamara

writing about him and researching him. I always thought the Golden State Killer was Waddy DeVock, because when he played for the Kings, the Warriors didn't stand a chance. Sure. Remember Waddy DeVock, dude? I do. You know how much he meant to me?

The one that came in Arvidas Sabonis? Right, the big man from Europe that you identified with for no reason? Ah, good. A white guy in the NBA that I can't understand. Uh-huh. Well, I was like, what was I supposed to look up to? Rick Schmitz? Why not?

No, because Arvidas Sabonis could drain threes. Oh, you're saying you liked the outside game of a big man. I did. I liked Sam Perkins a lot because he could bang threes down. Perkins, yeah. Big smooth. Mm-hmm. Mostly.

I wasn't just looking to identify with a white player. I was looking for a player... I think it had something to do with it. Well, hold on. Hear me out. When it comes down to the skull shapes of certain players whoa bye check your pants

you're talking about 90s basketball stars coming over from war-torn Europe no Vlade Divac not a white guy was a part of

technically he's Serbian or whatever well yeah he's one of you guys He's in one of my favorite 30 for 30 films Which was Once Brothers It's so heavy and good Him and Drazen Petrovich

Probably had a similar relationship To the two of us Everybody jealous of us Competitive but close friends Best friends Also harboring Civil War animosities From generations before Oh, yeah, for sure. Everybody jealous of us, you know, competitive, but close friends, best friends. Also harboring Civil War animosities from generations before. Yeah, I came from Elizabeth, I came from the Midwest by way of Vegas. Yeah, you're always claiming Vegas or the Midwest, depending on who you're talking to.

I claim it all. I claim it all. But yeah, I do remember the Devots, the Kings. I like the sequel to Once Brothers more, though. The Property Brothers? Now that show. I can't even riff on Property Brothers. Are they related?

I think they date each other. Is it two black guys? That's what I thought. Is that wrong? Yeah, no. That's not the show. No. Okay.

Yeah. Well, we're learning. Yeah, we're That's not the show. No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, we're learning. Yeah, we're putting it together. I'm more of a storage wars guy, and there is some ethnic cleansing going on on that show for sure. I like the storage war of northern aggression. Kate Canada, pure. It's like, damn, dude. I just want to see what's in that storage unit.

Yeah, open it up. Hopefully there's a dead cat or something. Hopefully there's some cutlery in there at least. Maybe some old coins. It's a bunch of tops, baseball cards. Man, I'll tell you this. Here we go. Uh-oh.

This one's fired up. This really gets me going. This really scalds my cream. When you were a kid, I'll bet both of you, maybe, didn't you have a dream of your retirement plan being your baseball basketball card collection

mine were Marvel cards and comic books Marvel cards yeah how dumb were you you fell for the Marvel card hype up until like

seven years ago they were worth money I don't believe that so one carry on Becker red card comic books

might have been the same thing where we were wrong about like there was a rarity to cards until we were kids. Yeah. And so every card, I didn't know this until like 10 years ago, but I finally thought, oh man, I gotta go through the cards that I still have and see how much money I could get for them. And then I'm looking on eBay and they're all a dollar.

Like all the ones that i had put into their own little plastic thing they were in a shoebox that were separate from like the junk cards that i thought it was a fireproof shoebox yeah you had in a safe i had a safe it was in uh it buried in the desert outside of henderson nevada never took the same route there to check on it right you have the northern south coordinates on your arm tattooed, and your little brother has the east-west coordinates. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. God, just all this excitement of, like, the payoff, you know? Like, I thought I had waited long enough. But, no, we never had a chance, because every card that was made from, like, 86 on, there were a million of them. So it was all just a ruse. They did the same thing with comic books. Like I told Becker

when we were sitting in the basement of Mutiny information cafe. Great place. You can buy my book here. We were talking about how my dad thought that my retirement, my college fund was going to be the Death of Superman comic. So he waited in line and bought ten. And he was like, this is it.

This is how I win, said my dad in 1993. He said it first yeah exactly i was like dad you're the smartest man alive and then you know we should have bought gen 13 comics because those are worth a lot more you know should have bought some scuds but yeah that thing they printed you know 15 000 million of them which is a billion something you know in human in human life. A lot of zeros. Which is what they're worth. Zero. We saw them for about three bucks. Three dollars. So ten copies times three. That's like 400 bucks. That's like

several hundred dollars. I could for sure put, I could sponsor a kid from out of the country. Three dollars. Yeah, I know. We were doing a bit, Becker. Okay, I'm just making sure. Becker's high as hell. He was sure I didn't have to... Strike two. Becker's high as hell. Yeah, Becker's...

I'm not. He was up all last night doing whippets. Yeah, that's why I'm not high now. Oh, he's got a whippet headache. He told me, yeah, he's like,

I was up late doing whippets, brother. That's how he talks. Making my voice go... Yeah. I fucking hate whippets. Do you? Yeah, they suck.

Why? I did them on acid one time and I thought I was gonna die. And now I never will go near them again. josh and droski would come to town he'd always run to the porno store and buy a bunch of whippets and a cracker and be like oh yeah this is far out crank it grow up you're like 38 you're doing whippets and cut off shorts come on and droski whippets well we always thought he was 38 and 38, and he's younger than us. That's impossible. He's younger than me. Yeah, who isn't?

I don't know. Yeah. Isis, the Egyptian god, is younger. Come on. I'm a week out from 38. Wow. And that is... Week out and has strong gout.

Week out, strong... Spout. My dick still works. It does. You won't shut up about it almost too much uh no my dick is dormant as hell yeah but you're gonna be slamming your dog no thanks gross i like i like uh women yeah adult women so you keep trying to convince me of dogs no thanks maybe for you know taking them to the creek we had some moments when we slept in that bed together where it almost happened. What?

No way. Yeah, for sure. Oh, gross. I was not into you. You don't know what you were into. I do. We were so free. We were libertines.

We were free. I'll tell you what. There was no boundaries we couldn't cross. If I had any tickle to explore hooking up with dudes, you weren't going to be the dude. Really? No. Who would you have banged?

Bobby? Bobby. Bobby, for sure. He's a good looking guy. Aloof, I would say. I would have banged the lead singer of the Strokes. Okay. Julian Casablanca.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah, play it again, Sam. Like the movie? Yeah, you would have been playing his insides like an accordion yeah uh yeah i get that a lot of girls that i was attracted to looked like him when we yeah when we were uh confused at the attention we got from women didn't make any sense yeah you weren't doing it for me because I'm not a narcissist

I didn't want to bang myself but bigger so maybe that's why I was attracted to you it is you're a narcissist

it's like looking in a it's like looking in a funhouse mirror you're like whoa hell yeah this would be sick it would have been you hooking up with

your high school self or something when you were... Never more agile. Growing. Yep. When I was lithe. Lithe as hell.

London and I did share a bed for a strange loss period. A period I'll never tell my kids about, probably. Don't have kids. Oh, we have to. Don't. I don't have a call. Children. I don't have a choice.

That seems insane to me. It sucks. I'm not into it, but I love my wife and we'll be good parents, you know? I'm not saying you won't. I'm saying, man, you're really going to have an uphill battle. Is this kid ever going to go to school? Will this kid ever drink fresh water? Yeah.

Will this child be able to survive outside of the womb? Right. Will he know the sun? Yeah, this kid's going to uh the kid from the road the mccarthy novel just the sky was on fire every day right emily will kill herself and i'll be too cowardly emily long gone so i'll have i'll have one bullet that i'm saving for him yeah yeah so he won't have to be turned into a sex slave. Just a spit. A catamite, as McCarthy calls them in the novel. Is that right?

Yeah, it's a person, a male kept for sex. Damn. I remember looking that up when I was 14. The dictionary exploding in my hand. Yeah, you're not ready. How old are you? Me? No, the dictionary.

It's like, wait a minute, why are you looking this up? Yeah, I had to put in my birthday. Right before that, you looked up, like, fart. and then you're like, ah, catamite. It's like, whoa, this kid's growing up quick. Yeah, I don't know, man. My sister has a one-and-a-half-year-old son. You hate him. No, I'm very happy that Kim and her husband Evan have a child,

but, man, it's scary to think about any... Growing up in this new, changing society, you know, we're on the skids. Yeah. In a lot of ways. It's like my undies. Yeah, that's right. There's so much uncertainty, and it's scary.

So, no, but I don't want people to just stop having children. I just think it's very... It would be very stressful. We should only let certain... We should selective breed. I wish that there were more of a reward for those who decided not to have kids because the effects are, there's a lot of positive effects. Yeah. You have, you know, you're not instantly like taking up or claiming resources and space

and whatever. And the amount of garbage that you're adding to the world with one kid. Also, I'm not'm not bored several a lot of people have a kid to because they're like oh well i will fucking climb the ranks of radio shack what do i do now yeah let's have a kid what else is skylar what else is there teach him tap dance yeah it's like i'm not having a a kid to save my relationship yeah i'm having a kid because em Emily would leave me if we didn't. Those are completely different things. I like that. You know what I mean? Yeah.

The stakes are high. She's got a gun to my head. We need more children of the corn. Yeah, we need more corn children. Backwards K. Freaks on leashes. Backwards K, backwards R. But only one backwards K.

Let's not go crazy. There we go. Yeah. But, you know, back to my point. Eugenics, not all bad. Yeah, let's have it be a lottery, but instead of winning a bunch of money, you get the right to have a child. Yeah. I don't know.

There's so many kids in the world that no one wants. There's a bunch of trash children. You know, just like... That's what they're called. Dung heap babies. You know. The children of Ceausescu, as I say. children you know just like that's what they're called dung heap babies but you know the children of shouchescu as i say uh so yeah it's like we should probably adopt but you want to see what you're gonna look like yeah we needed another mustache like that in the world also you don't

get a bang if you adopt you're allowed to bang the kid no oh we kind of are you can have sex that doesn't lead to a child and adopt. It's even easier because you don't have the nine months of pregnancy where it's like, do you have sex? Yeah, and that fucking manhole cover gets ripped out. Have you seen what a woman's vagina looks like after the most beautiful gift in the world? No. After the miracle?

I haven't been down there. Yeah, you have. Post-kid. You have too. That sucks with a couple of moms, i don't know it's not like it it's pretty cool also they have this thing called the hub the husband stitch yeah i've heard about they tie it up tighter so you can hang it up looser you know what i mean yeah that's uh it's like when they roll back the tires on a car yeah i don't know if that's still a thing or not. It increases the resale value. I think that might have gone the way of medicinal cocaine.

Yeah, it was like 1910. Yeah, put an extra stitch down there and then fill her up full of heroin and she'll be on her way. Yeah, your doctor's just spinning a pocket watch on his finger. Whistling. Yeah. Yeah, no, I don't call it the husband's stitch anymore. But my wife's a doctor, allegedly, and you can ask for it. She's been going somewhere for the last six years.

Nobody really knows where. She has all these prescription pads. She could have a bad gambling problem. It would be a similar schedule. That would rule. I wish Emily had some kind of damning character flaw. Yeah. Because I have all of them.

I'm a bad guy. You know? So, I wish we were on equal levels that way. Yeah, what does she have? She's impatient? Driven? Yeah, exactly. She wants too much and she demands too much from the world because she can give that much in return.

Right. She works hard, plays harder and so that could be a weakness. Not a weakness, but a flaw. But not really because it's a strength no one of those yeah meanwhile I'm cumming in my pants

we're never gonna have a kid this way yeah whoops he's gonna wring out my undies into her pussy god damn

I don't know if that's viable that kid's gonna not not be a quick one if you if you got the delay between insemination and wringing out your drawers yeah you have a whitey tighty that's not good no but yeah if we're lucky you know we've come a long

way baby yeah good luck having a child i guess you're gonna be a big part of it uh yeah i guess we're all gonna live in trinidad right in a few years i think that's the plan becker did you buy land down there i haven't yet yet, but I'm in. Becker's rich. I don't know if you guys knew that. Yeah. Becker has a bunch of Nazi gold. That's why I drive a car with the paint falling off.

Yeah. Well, you had a bunch. You didn't mention, but you did have 10,000 Death of Supermans, and they're $3 apiece. $3 apiece. Yeah, it's coming up quick. They were only $3.95 new. He only lost $10,000 on the purchase. Yeah, man, I don't. They were only $3.95 new. He only lost, you know,

$10,000 on the purchase. Yeah, man, I don't know. I want to move to Trinidad. That could be in the cards. The more that there's so much unrest and people freaking out, it seems like cities will be tough. A lot of competition and a lot of

problems amplified by people being on top of each other. We've got to have water rights. Yeah. So we can have all the water gun fights we want. That's what I'm worried about in the future. So we can hose each other down. Yeah, man.

Hose off? You guys ever take yard showers? You used to call them? Yeah, we used to at my house. Yeah, dude. That was fun. Get in the yard, everybody. Everyone, come on out.

It's Thursday. Time to hose off. I'm going to de-louse. Time to put, that was fun. Get in the yard, everybody. Everyone, come on out. It's Thursday. Time to hose off. I'm gonna de-louse. Time to put on your other outfit. Yeah, it's fun. Your backup jorts. Yeah, your alternate cartoon character outfit. Yeah, we used to have everyone gather up in the yard, all the fellas. You know, it was never

intergender. And we would have one bar of soap, and we'd fight over it. Whoever got the bar first didn't have to sloppy seconds it. And we'd hose each other down and soap up. And it was a really fun, you know, bonding experience. Yeah. Which is what this pod's all about. Male bonding.

You know, healthy masculinity. That kind of thing. Yeah, I would say let's let women listen to it as well, though. Yeah. I thought that was a nice aspect of our show. Too much fun was that women came to the show. Yeah, and then we came. They didn't come after the show, yeah, because we were not gifted lovers.

No, the hands were full. No. We had people that would come check out Too Much Fun, and they didn't go to every comedy show, because it was more of a boys' club. There were a lot more dude comics here. There still are, but the ratio was way out of whack until just a few years ago. So there were a lot of dudes running shows,

and some of them were terrible. But ours, we tried to be better than that and more aware of who our audience was, and I think that that paid off. We also had a bunch of kids in there. We let young children in. Well, you said how you thought that was important

for young people to have cool stuff to do if you get hot kids then you get hot adults there was no grooming going on no we were filthy at all

yeah we were picking the lice out of each other's back yeah we had those hose showers that's all we had no gums in sight no just huge pube mounds, too.

Shaven. Just like, you know, indigenous burial mounds of pubes. This was pre-manscaping. Oh, yeah. This was pre-manspreading, too. Yeah, well, the deer pile was not big enough for manspreading. No. But no, we did have a young audience and a relatively diverse audience, which I am happy about.

Yeah, we had white 17-year-olds and white 27-year-olds. Right. Yeah. Irish descent and Norwegian and everything in between. There was Italians. We let them in. Yeah, Italians came in for a while. We had an Armenian guy running the show.

Yeah, I count as Armenian, I believe. Yeah, Haganush. Yeah, the great-grandson of Haganush. Yeah, Lund's grandma's nickname was Haganush. No, her name was Haganush. Her nickname was Haigui. Haigui for short. She was compact.

You should have a kid named Haigui. Well, if it was... If it's for a bit....assigned female at birth, we could go with Haigui. Well, if it was... If it's for a bit. Assigned female at birth, we could go with Haigui. It's a girl's name. I don't think anyone knows. It's more of a tree's name, I think. It's a water spirit.

Yeah. An elemental, Haigui. Not of this realm. If you're going by Haigui, man, yeah, a lot of laughs from that oh god the silliness of a woman from the old country a woman escaping a genocide eastern yeah she was a kid yeah a little high week in what 1919 and had to like run into the woods to she got smuggled out and her family got killed yeah and she got yeah i guess, she was rescued by an American missionary and brought over to America.

Much better than an American doggy style. Yeah, this was pre-doggy style. This was before eye contact was allowed in sex. Missionary only. Yeah, missionary no eye contact is tough. You have to look at the ceiling. It's like those people who can't look you in the eyes, so they look at your forehead. Yeah, what is that move?

You hate it so much. I hate it. You know who I'm talking about? They look right there. I have a close friend who can't help herself. Close friend? Yeah. You need to cut her out.

It's like a defense mechanism. It's like the third grade. She's upset that she can't look people in the eyes. Okay, well, yeah, as long as she feels bad about it. Yeah, as long as she's ashamed. Yeah. That's good. Well, yeah, as long as she feels bad about it. Yeah, as long as she's ashamed. Yeah, that's good. No, it's... I hate it. There was a comic

in Boise that was doing it at a festival all weekend. Just every time we'd talk, it was... Yeah, anyway,

how long you been here? It's like, look me in the eye. You coward. What are you doing? What are you hiding from? We look here. What do you see

reflected in my own eyes that you're running from? Can you see how i die and it's troubling so you are just tell me yeah uh what horrors are you peering through when it's like if you look anywhere else it's better than the forehead because it's not close enough it's not like you're fooling me no into thinking that you're nailing it if you look just over my shoulder i think you's not like you're fooling me no into thinking that you're nailing it if you look just over my shoulder i think you're mysterious and you're like really considering some heavy realities yeah you got a story to tell but yeah maybe next time you get it you know after you get closer then you're some kind of poet then you let loose with how you you killed a guy

you know on accident just to see what it felt like yeah it changed you yeah yeah if you look anywhere other than the eyes or the forehead then it could be construed as something cool yeah but looking in the forehead it's like what did your dad yell at you a lot when you were a kid and so you can't you think it's a sign of disrespect or a challenge you know like you look your dad in the eye too much and then he like you for a month? Hey, did you grow up Greek Orthodox? What's your deal? It is, yeah, it's a weird choice. It pisses me off.

And I don't like it. I hate it. If any of our listeners are out there looking people right in between the eyebrows, you need to get your shit together. I would say you'd have to maybe look at yourself in the eyes in the mirror. Yeah, that's less weird. Well, it's practice. And then eventually you're ready to do it. Look, if you have any kind of social anxiety, the best way to get over it is to practice talking to yourself.

And then you can tell that's your conversation starter. So today I was practicing talking to you in the mirror. And you said this, and then I said this, and it was really funny. So I wrote a script. Word for word. You play the role of potential lover. Yeah, I don't know. That's up there for me as far as off-putting quirky attributes.

I hate quirky people. I was going to say, if we're going to do mustaches, it's fine, but you don't want to be a mustache person. Where it's front and center. It's your whole thing. It's like, hey, I have a mustache. I like IPAs. I'm a 35-year-old guy who wears a vest, unironically. I have a flat cap that I wear on special occasions.

And instead of saying goodbye, I say cheers. That is me. I'm Dylan. This is who I am. Okay? Yeah. I just wish the fucking hate when people say cheers

instead of goodbye pisses me off so much Becker agrees Becker you can speak you don't have to be like a dog I don't want to interrupt all the time

but no that pisses me off especially when I'm serving them yeah like oh cheers brother yeah like no fuck you I'm at work

say thank you but don't cheers me i'm not having a good time you're not a chimney sweep i'm also at work yeah fucking ugh i get so mad dude well yeah because who who did that then you thought it was cool well and yeah if somebody threw throws it out there now and then it wouldn't be as bad but you know they do it every time and they think it's cool i think it's yeah i think everybody's cultured everybody thinks that they're the main character of this like true existence yeah and everybody should should like you know defer or like appreciate you for being and it's like no every every quirky thing has been done to death like there's nothing that you could do in even a combination of things that would add up to like where you were at head and shoulders above people yeah and like on the cutting

edge of oh personality it's like if you're a guy who says cheers you probably make your own metal jewelry yeah what i mean you like sell it on etsy that kind of thing right you definitely don't wear deodorant you don't wear deodorant and your own deodorant de of minerals. Out of lye. Yeah, you're also the kind of guy who's into very low-risk BDSM. Yeah. You know what I mean? Those kind of guys. Paddles and whips, no ties. Paddles and whips.

Maybe you're on a leash. Maybe you eat out of a dog bowl. Yeah. No, but now we're getting into actually interesting stuff. Yeah, but you can't talk about that kind of stuff. Right, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, so yeah, as soon as you make it clear that you're trying to be known for something,

it sucks. Right. Like, the way I'm dressed is comfort only, it's hot, and I don't care that I look like I'm a drummer in a bad, like, stoner metal band. Yeah, I envy you, because I have to dress up all the time

because people look to me and they want to emulate my style. Uh-huh. You know, so that's what sucks. Yeah, you... It's a cross that I bear. You definitely think that you're doing something that people will remember. I have a definitive style and people appreciate me for being brave that way.

Uh-huh. But saying cheers as a goodbye if you're a man is the same thing as buying a ukulele if you're a woman. Right. I think it's worse. I think it's affecting a British accent, because they're trying to seem like European and cultured, not just goofy. Right. It's like, oh, what, you went to Ireland and went on a brewery tour, now you're going to

say cheers? Yeah. Shut the fuck up. The British and maybe the Irish do it, too. You probably stole it from Indians. From India. Right. Just like curry, the national dish of England.

Hmm. Yeah, where'd you get that from? Because you guys were boiling potatoes and putting a shoe in there for a while. And then all of a sudden, all these spices show up. Oh, wow. I can really taste the glue in this. Yummy.

There was no laces in this one, right? I'll bet that people in India said this. Yummy. There was no laces in this one, right? I'll bet that people in India said cheers, and then English people stole that, too. Yeah, it probably meant, like, praise one of our many gods, you know? Yeah, and then they were like, oh, wait, what'd you say? Oh, we're taking that, too. Right. Or maybe

they just love that sitcom. Yeah, it was big over there. They love a nice pub run by a former baseball player. And the whole will they, won't they drove them crazy. Will they or won't they colonize us? They will. They will.

And they have. Oh, no. There's the flag. This caste system rocks. Just the tiniest country ever, and they're like, we're going to take everything. How? Spices, man. They did it.

They had a lust to stimulate their tongues. Gotta give it up for them. I respect. This is a pro colonialism podcast. Goddamn. Yeah, man. We're not getting far. This podcast is mostly gonna be you saying stuff and then me walking it back. I hope so. And trying

to correct your behavior. I'm a reverend. I'm a naughty boy with my hand caught in the cookie jar. You gotta smack my wrist. Tell me I'm not gonna sleep well. I'm gonna ruin my appetite for actual truths by being so irreverent. We're gonna walk it out, we're gonna walk it back.

And we're gonna talk it out. And at the end of this, we're gonna be better people, is my hope. That's all I'm about, is getting better every day, dude. Uh-huh. Yeah. I don't like doing what works. Never regressing.

Yeah, no. Never reverting back to tried and true immaturity or... Right. That's the beauty of it, is you can't be funny anymore, because you've got to, you know... Well. Okay. You have to consider other people i put the governor on myself there my lady you're learning already well i want this to be a success

i want so later on we can listen transgressive well we have to figure out who our audience is and then once they are on board then we can get away with what i know my audience and they're fucking desperate psychos they say it sam t fans dude yeah they borey always says that he's like yeah i'll go on the road and someone will be like i'm a sam t fan and he like drove there you know in like a horse-drawn carriage a land submarine yeah just the weirdest people alive sure well yeah you did a good job of going all over the country and trying to like find the cool little spots to do shows because the general road uh of like b clubs and shitty like you know the the paved uh avenues of comedy

were weird when you started out like 2010 or whatever hitting the road so you also paved in the skulls of road hacks right charlatans yeah a lot of ventriloquists and magicians when a lot of that dried up too so you you you kind of figured out all these weird little corners of like the midwest and beyond and right but then i listening to young people there yeah a lot of interesting young people a lot of really really creative, good people. But then there's like, a lot of well-read weirdos that don't know that they have to move

or else they're gonna die. Right. Yeah. But then you come to them and they're like, oh, shit. This guy's my best friend. Yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna invite him to my wedding. That's been happening a lot. I get wedding invites from people I don't remember talking to ever. Yeah, that's brutal. How did you get my address?

Yeah, save the date. Of your death. I'm coming for you. Yeah, I have seen it. I've seen what you do to people with your comedy. With my comedy. Yes. Thank you.

With your comedy. Yeah, no, people get stoked. And you give them something special, and they remember you, yeah. And they have followed you. Yeah. I need to start a cult. They need to cash in. Follow you home.

You have a cult. You just have to start giving the orders. You just need a compound. I do. Yeah, we're going to move down to Trinidad. We're going to get water rights. Come on in. We're going to start inviting people down there.

Everyone's invited. I get to fuck your wife. Be a part of the vision. You're going to go Koresh Come on in. We're going to start inviting people down there. Everyone's invited. I get to fuck your wife. Be a part of the vision. You're going to go Koresh style? He didn't invent that. He's not the innovator of wife fucking. Come on. He had a lot of other great ideas.

It's a choice that he made. Yeah. And I feel like it did not help the cohesion at the end. I think that maybe they would have been on the same page if every guy there wasn't pissed at him for banging their wife. Right, and also I kind of look like Koresh if he had a glandular disorder. If Koresh liked sweets before bed.

Yeah, you've got the glasses of an early 90s cult leader. Oh yeah, and also the style. Yeah, he wore a lot of scarves. A lot of denim shirts. Short shorts. Oh, I love short shorts. He rocked, which is funny.

He was in, like, a decent band, which cracks me up. His band was cool. Yeah, that makes me laugh. So did Manson. Manson made some great music. Like, if you like Andrew Jackson's Jihad, you will fucking love Manson's tapes.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah, he... Well, because, like, the Beach Boys kind of maybe took... But they liked what he was doing and maybe took some of it and then they had to snub him.

Well, he was friends with the drummer, Brian Wilson's brother. That guy was out banging all the runaways on Spahn Ranch. But yeah, he... He brought rhythm to the desert. He could write a copy folk song, Manson, but he went a different way. He didn't focus on the music as much as the cult stuff.

That's like if I gave up on stand-up and just had an open-door policy. We need some backup plans, because I don't know if we're going to be able to do these chuckle huts anytime soon. No, I know. And also, I'm passing on work from clubs that I've been trying to get into for years, and that sucks. Yeah, but it makes sense. Like, how could you go fly somewhere and spend a weekend you know, maybe

having 50 or 75 people a show? Like, you're set up for failure. Right. It's like, oh, I really am desperately trying to work the loony bin Little Rock. You know? Like, I really... The gold standard. That hasony bin Little Rock. You know, like I really... The gold standard. That has been a dream of mine to get in there.

But no, I mean, I want to get into these clubs and they're like, can you come down here and work for $900 for four shows over four nights and maybe get sick? Right, yeah. No. I can't even sell my merch. If I could sell my merch, I'd be into it. You can't though? Well, a lot of my people will pay me 20 bucks to, you know,

let me have their fingers put in my mouth, you know, that kind of thing. Oh, you're talking about the fan experience. Yeah, it's like can I sign their scar? The meet and greet? Yeah. Where you're showing them your meat? Yeah, and they get to say hello to it. Shake this. Hey, cheers!

Yeah. Cheers is a hello and goodbye. Yeah, my flaccid, cum-so-soaked hog yeah why is it already sticky it's not even hard i'll never tell i always warm up my shows by microwaving a donut and having sex with it that's on my writer it's a microwave and a old krispy kreme yeah it's uh not a good time to try to be the aspirational go-getter that you were until this. Because, yeah, the comics that decide to take that work,

it's so dangerous. And then if you're the one that everybody knows was a part of spreading this and overrunning a hospital, that's not good. You're not going to be invited back to Tampa after that. I just canceled on Tampa.

Side splitters, which is a great club. I would love to work there. But there's this whole pandemic, in quotes, I like that. Yeah, let's save the conspiracy theories for our future. Comedians are already getting it from shows. Yeah. Callan and whatever that meathead he tours with. Schwab

there you go Schwab the D'Elia apologist yeah he should apologize for his act I don't care how many

little girls you fucked D'Elia do more impressions about more jokes about looking like a tired eagle that's how he opened his last

fucking theater special which I spite watched and you hated it he sucks we need to accept that's his sexuality. Okay? Fine. I get it. You know? But

I can't accept his, you know, bullshit act. He's just doing Pablo Francisco 25 years later. Ah! Papi! Oh! Oh, Chimomo! Yeah, we... Chimomo! Yeah, Chimomo, for real. He's saying it.

The clues were there. He was trying to tell us what he was. Oh, Chimo Mimo. His little baby talk language. He was spelling it out. You don't want to have your name out there because you felt like you needed to sell shirts in

Columbus, Ohio. Luckily I have an author now. You just pivoted. That was pretty good timing. I know. You wrote the book. It's like I knew this whole thing was going to happen. It's almost like it was a planned pandemic. I had a

personal pan pizza pandemic recently. Personal pandemic. Yeah, well that's why we're doing this. I had a personal pan pizza pandemic recently. Personal pandemic. Sausage and mushroom. That's why we're doing this. One of the reasons I wanted to do this was to be able to see you and hang out, be funny,

and try to reach people. Because usually when we hang out we're not funny. No, no, no. I'm saying because we can't hang out as much now, this is a way for us to... Because our wives put the kibosh on. Yeah, because we're not allowed to be like, you made a vow to meet. Not to him.

Not to meet. Yeah. Not to... Yeah, you guys had your chance back in 2011. Something almost happened, like I keep saying. No, no. Not on this end. No, it would be in your head.

I'm all tops, no tails, brother. Yeah, you collected tops trading cards, not bottoms. No, they were more expensive. They were sticky. They were. This gum is pre-chewed. Are you guys all sweaty? A little bit now.

Not me, I'm sleeveless. I'm so sweaty. Sleeveless and spotless. I am wearing this vest and a flat cap. Yeah, you've got the wallet chain going from your vest pocket. I'm wearing engineer boots, despite the fact that I've never done anything with my hands. Fucking frauds.

You're half steampunk, half pop punk. I'm half steampunk, half steamed ham. I'm wet. Yeah, you're a real trendset half pop punk i'm half steampunk half steamed ham i'm wet yeah you're real trendsetter like you said everybody wants to wear shorts where you can see your underwear emily hates that by the way that's a big point of contention in the house do you do that you're kind of you're wearing those like are they underwear i'm wearing compression shorts they're compression they're like bicycle shorts you know but my shorts the outer shorts are so short because i wear a seven inch sometimes five if Are they underwear? I'm wearing compression shorts. Are they tights? They're compression shorts. They're like bicycle shorts, you know? But my shorts, the outer shorts, are so short, because I wear a seven inch, sometimes five if I can find them,

that I'm flashing undie all the time. And Emily's like, this is disgusting. Why do you think that's a good look? And I'm like, why can't you let me be proud of my body? You know? It sucks when your wife's body shaming you. I guess short shaming. Uh-huhaming She did call me a fat pig yesterday In jest

But it didn't feel funny to you? No Because I was giving her the business I was like you're always so mean to me And she's like I'm not mean to you ever you fat pig And then she laughed and I was like I gotta take the dog out As I go outside and kick my dog.

I'm kidding. I would kill him if I kicked him ever. He's so small. No teeth either. He can't defend himself. He's toothless, but he's pretty ruthless. And couthless. He's bad at dinner parties.

Yeah, he's always bringing up politics and religion at dinner parties with strangers. It's like, come on, we gotta build to that. He's like, I will have a political religion that I want you guys to be a part of. I got a small body, but I don't like small talk. No, or small people. He gets right into it. What happens after you die?

It's like, dude, Gordy, you can't lead with that. Yeah, he's just like, it's dirt. How about favorite food or favorite holiday? Yeah, favorite holiday. I'm a Halloween guy. I love Christmas. And only Christmas.

That's what Gordy says. It's the only one who should celebrate. Yeah, he'll go right into how he hates saying happy holidays. Damn it, Gordy. Here we go again. Yeah, and Gordy's like, why do I have to wear a mask? I'm a dog. We're still eating soup.

We haven't even gotten to the main course, and you're already turning people off. He loves soup, though, because he doesn't have to cut it. No teeth. He's a slurper. He's a slurper. Bone broth with a big bone in it. Bone broth, that's where I just soak my hog, my turgid hog, and then I let him drink the water.

So where can people get your book? Let's sell a couple of those. I'm sure if they're listening to episode one, they bought my book already. These are the true heads. Maybe not though. Yeah, okay. You can get it at samtalent.com Two L's. Two L's, you idiot.

You lummox. I like the idea that we're catering to people who don't know either of us. That's T-A-L-L-E-N-T. Yeah, and I am Sam, not Tyent. Not Sam Tyentis, like that one show we did together. Yeah, there was like a Greek owner that decided to make you from Mykonos instead of giving you your Christian name.

He de-Anglicized me. He slathered you in tzatziki. He did. God, that's a great way to go. I should be on a spit. Just kept shaving off your epidermis layer by layer. I'm getting fired up for baba ghanoush. A lot of baba ghanoush in my house.

It's superior to hummus. So much better. It is... As good as hummus. Whoa, now we're talking. Let's save that for the Patreon. You are listening to Race Realists with London Sam.

Putting them on the map and taking them off. Putting them on the map, putting them on the glass. Dump them out, y'all. Where are we at time-wise? We're at an hour and 37 seconds. Wow, look at that. Just called it on an hour. I wasn't sure. I would have guessed

maybe we were getting there. Because you're tiring of my antics. No, no, because you do stand up long enough I think we start to have a pretty good feeling for amounts of time. Yeah, because usually when an hour's gone by, I'm just apologizing.

Refunds are at the door. I didn't mean what I said. Let's go back to that misstep. I didn't know it was the anniversary of your son's death. You have had that happen. Multiple times. You have three times.

You jokingly have tried to point out that a couple looks as if they lost their son and you have been right more than once. Three times. Why are you still swinging at that ball? Because I need to see

what kind of power I wield. You know what I mean? If you know you can handle the son with bare hands you gotta see if your feet can juggle it, too. One, maybe it helps them get it out there? No, it doesn't help. They leave in tears. What happens is the wife walks out crying,

and then the husband slowly stands up, a husk of a man, just broken wide open by the memories he can't hide away. Thanks a lot. Yeah, and he says, good work. Where has that happened? That's happened in Asia. Yeah. That's happened,

I think it happened at the South Club one time. Okay. And then it happened somewhere else where it was me and Bukley. I think it was Boise, Idaho. Insane.

Well, because I bring women to open for me. Because you're an ally. I'm an ally. But yeah, I don't know what it is. They must give off some pheromone.

I think it's the fact that my, uh... I come from a... You can smell it. Yeah, I can smell it. I come from a long line of people who've hunted down suspected child killers.

You know what I mean? Like my grandpa used to hunt down people on the frontier who were suspected of infanticide or whatever it may be. So I can just pick up on it.

That's when you know Lund thinks I'm an idiot. He goes, uh-huh. He doesn't yes and anymore. He's like, alright, here's enough rope. Well, I like that you can smell sadness on a couple. I can. I'm an emotional vampire. I think it

started with you seeing that you're having a good set, and then you see a couple, and they're not having fun. And you hate it. Surely it's not their personal taste. Right. It can't be that I'm bad for some people at comedy. It must be that... Something's very wrong.

Three years ago today, they forgot to put the kiddie gate up by the pool. Right. And little Milo had a couple too many Pop-Carts and went for a midnight swim. You know? They never got out of it. Pop-Carts. Pop-Carts. Official sponsor of the podcast.

That's what we call them. Pop-Carts. I'm from Illinois. Yeah, that's an Upper Peninsula, Illinois kind of a thing. Pep cart. Ah, little pop carts. Hey, honey, if you get your pep schmear, I'll let you get a pep cart. We don't call it soda.

We call it pop cart. It's what we call it. We're going to swab your dark. You've been hearing that. Does Emily's family have the Midwestern jaunt to their voices? They say bag. Bag? Instead of bag.

Give me a bag. Put it in a sack. If she hangs out with her family for more than two hours, she comes home sounding like a... Jesus. I was going to say, we haven't said anything that will be bleeped yet. But that's worse. I know that will be bleeped yet. But that's worse. I know.

Let's bleep Pop Carts. And then they'll be like, what the fuck? What do they say in the Midwest? No, we don't say stuff like that on this cast. Let's try and be better, is what I like. Becker just took a note. You're Becker than that. Yeah, no, we don't say itcker than that yeah no we don't say it

we used to we don't say it we spray it in our pants it's better I had the very idea of maybe intercourse in a couple hours

this spigot's leaky so I guess that's the first episode we should probably wrap it up right I think we have changed the art form

forever so far so good yeah solid start yeah i just want to be funny and have a good time and reminisce with you and hopefully people will uh enjoy it people are gonna love this how could you not love chubby behemoth it's chubby behemoth look it up it's the first time that anybody's ever used that phrase yeah for something we're at chubby behemoth Pod on LinkedIn. Check that out. We're also on Stinkton, which is a Pornhub

community that you have to pay a premium for. I like the people paying for the good porn. The free stuff is... Once you go through all that, you want something more. Once you've gotten to the end of the internet

and you're jerking off to fisting videos, you're like, oh, I'm going to go back to the start and pay for it. I've got to pay eight bucks a month for high def. Yeah, I don't pay for porn. It's crazy. Don't pay for porn, everybody. But support only fans? I mean, sex workers are people.

I think so. One thinks they're subhuman. No, that's different. That's supporting individual sex workers, which is cool. But to pay for browsers, come on. Yeah. Browsers don't have enough free stuff. I can't get off on this

20 minute clip. I need the full hour and a half movie. Yeah, I need to see the denouement. I got a chafe. I got a chafe for this one. I can't have any rising action unless there's rising action. I need a story to be told. Pay to chafe. Yeah, I don't get that. I can't have any rising action unless there's rising action. I need a story to be told. Pay to chafe. Yeah, I don't get that. I don't get it. I don't like production value in my pornography either.

Oh, okay. If I'm going to take my hog through a walk through the finger park, you know, I don't want any good lighting. I don't want any poem where there's a grip. You know what I mean? If there's a best boy on set, no thank you. Let me see some ID on that best boy.

I want a scared runaway in a motel room in Peoria, Illinois. No. Speaking of runaways, we've got a guest. So hey, everybody. That has been Chubby Behemoth. Episode one. Yeah, why not? Thanks for listening.

Follow us online. We're probably going to close this on a laugh instead of doing the end here.