Chubby Behemoth - Chicken Noodle Spaghetti

Episode Date: August 7, 2023

This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at https://www.betterhelp.com/CHUBBY & get on your way to being your best self   Foster’s Kids. Bikey. On Account Of The Slime.    Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

All right, tell your stories about how you could navigate a train in an English-speaking country. No, man, that's a nasty thing to say. Sorry. Right before we started, I said, hey, thanks for doing it, and he said, no problem. We understand that you're an international traveler. But yeah, a fucking tradesman from the nipple of Australia couldn't manage trains. So yeah, sorry. The tour manager I have is an insane man named Richo.

He was very fun. But they just don't stop talking here. That's their whole thing. They just fill every sentence that you wanted them to say with their own words, which I'm not complaining because they're interesting. They're great storytellers. which I'm not complaining because they're interesting they're great storytellers I think that when they conquer the aboriginals here they absorbed the the storytelling nature of that culture because they didn't have a written language you know they just would you know they would like tap it out on a turtle's back and that would echo across the harbor and

then they would know that it was Christmas or whatever. But, uh, so yeah, we're about an hour behind here. Uh, we were in Newcastle last night, which is a quiet seaside community. Uh, very nice. Very laid back after the, uh, the insanity that is Sydney, the London of the South seas. And, uh, I go on stage at the Newcastle comedy club packed to the gills shout out to this this little boy owns a comedy club in newcastle australia his name is elliot i swear to god he's 16 years old he looks like matt rife if he was shrunk down he looks like dayton vissette actually just currently you know a little db, a little Australian DB.

So anyway, I go on stage, and it's all packed, but the front row is empty. There's eight seats in the front row that are unoccupied because I think people were hesitant to sit up front for the American wild man who's going to come and lambast them or whatever. So, as I'm wont to do in these situations, I get into it, I call Elliot a progeria baby, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then I remark about the front row. I say, wow, what happens up here? Looks like we're mourning a bus disaster.

Audible cries of grief and shock. Shit. No way. Yes. Yes way, my bald friend. All right. Yes way, Andrew Jackson's secret lover.

Yeah, and I'm like, oh, what? Sorry, guys. I don't mean to joke about stuff, you know. But if they would have, it looks like we're mourning them, you know. They always sat up front in the bus and if they didn't on that fateful day, they would have been beheaded. They wouldn't have been beheaded. They would have had their head still attached or whatever. The thing I've said for years now, when there's no one in the front row, a lady gets up weeping, runs out of the room. Her boyfriend follows. So I navigate.

I don't know what's going on. But if there is a bus disaster, I'm not going to ask questions and apologize for it. I just got to persevere. So I do my hour. And as I'm walking off stage, people are entertained. All the comics go, that was great shit about the bus disaster, mate. I can't believe you went on the bus disaster you first right away that was that was ballsy that was brass i'm like wait there was

a bus disaster so then i'm standing at the merch table and 80 people stopped by to tell me how the bus disaster uh affected them all the people they know who died in the bus disaster how some of them were supposed to be on the bus that fateful day uh so here's what happened less than 30 days previous to my show last night in newcastle dream wedding day turns to tragedy. What? Bus driver charged with dangerous driving, occasioning death after 10 or more killed in a horror Hunter Valley wedding bus crash. Oh, my God. These people were leaving a wedding on a party bus and the driver was wasted and he flipped it and at least 10 people died they don't know because so many they're just a tangle of heads

and limbs when they recovered the vehicle there wasn't like a ledger stating how many people were on there but they pieced it together and at least 10 people died they keep they keep stressing this at least so the girl who ran out her boyfriend who stayed which was cool that was nice he wrote it out he said that uh her stepsister was on the bus and that this was the first time she'd been out of the house for a wee laugh tragedy and within five minutes on being on stage i just start riffing on bus disasters and the comics are like that was so brave it's like if i knew there was a bus disaster a wouldn't have opened with it wouldn't have just started off with the bus disaster stuff probably would have put it in the middle somewhere if i were to touch on it and if i knew that it was the literally the worst disaster to afflict newcastle this sleepy fucking community in the

last 10 years probably wouldn't have touched on the bus disaster at all so just want to apologize to the seven people who came to the show who are chubby behemoth guys i didn't know about the bus disaster my bad mea culpa i'm so sorry that you guys were just destroyed but someone was like it was our 9-11 mate nothing that much goes on here so it was our 9-11 it was our 9 our 911 yes and that drunk bus driver was osama bin laden peggy westchester was our bin laden yes that continues the crazy tawny middlebrook all these australian names are fucked yeah i wasn't i was close uh we go nads i know about it i should have i should have told you uh no that continues your like eerie trend where you will there's like three couples where you've looked at them and been like oh look who just

buried their kid and sure enough they were barely hanging on because of a a dead child what happened did a train plow through an elementary school and they're like yes 42 42 days ago everything that you say comes to life if you hadn't said anything then there wouldn't have been a crash yeah it was retconned in afterwards. Yeah, you're in the fucking twilight zone.

Well, Emily immediately was like, yeah, I know, and you're going to say, oh, you're a soothsayer. You can read people like a book. I know you think you're magic, but you said that bus disaster thing so many times. It was bound to happen. Look at you now.

So don't start patting yourself on the back because you're not from 10 minutes in the future and everyone's catching up to you. I was trying to explain to her because she didn't go to the show. She's not going to go watch the show. So she went and sat by the water and read her book. And then I came over in between shows and was like, listen to this. And she was like, and why are you surprised? Of course, there's a bus disaster somewhere in the world. Who's didn't care.

She couldn't have been less empathetic about the whole thing. And then you were like, oh yeah, well, looks like there was an American who drowned in a river after reading a book. She's like, don't put that on me. Not so confident now, you bitch do you want to play with black magic or do you want to make love to the wizard because i'm the white wizard tonight yeah dude and of course on the second show i told them about how i riffed on the bus disaster so then it was okay because i was apologizing but i just talked about it for 10 minutes instead of two uh yeah man fuck it really sucked all the life out of it and it was the first

five minutes of the hour you have to do the hour here also the show started at 5 30 so they were all like fresh from the ferry you know they were just like done at the wharf learning to tie more knots i keep calling them the fucking drug addled sons of mariners and they're all like yep that's us why is there so many ferries isn't it just one island or are there many like i don't there's like little waterways that you have to navigate little rivers yeah people i'm on the coast so it's just like instead of you know getting stuck in traffic on the there's not a train that goes up the coast but a ferry will take them to different inlets and harbors. Okay. Last night I called it a Harbor and they were like, it's an inlet.

Watch out, watch out with that. And I was like, I don't care that I'm still reeling from the events of the bus disaster. On the second show, some lady was like, I said I had a cock and she was like, prove it. And I was like, said i had a cock and she was like prove it and i was like this country's this country suffered enough the comics thought i was like fucking bill hicks like oh you skewer the sacred cows it's like that lady's stepsister died in the bus disaster i also said bus disaster so many times it quit making sense the lost all nobody nobody else walked out no just that one lady and it was awkward the rest of the hour you got them obviously right they

got them yeah they forgave you well i think they understood that i didn't know there was a bus disaster because as soon as i got off stage the comics were like oh we're gonna build a statue of you you tell the truth no one does that down here it's like 10 at least 10 people died they were literally beheaded i said the head thing and that was right on the nose much like the steering wheel was for those 10 people because their heads were torn off their bodies after the bride was on there yeah her wedding dress wasn't red anymore white anymore it was red it was stained with the blood The bride was on there. She died. Yeah. Her wedding dress wasn't red anymore, white anymore.

It was red. It was stained with the blood of her whole family. It was like she had a jammy figgy pie. Yeah, that's tough. But also, oh, yeah, the first thing I thought was, why didn't little 12-year-old Timmy Tumnus tell you about the bus? Hey, Sam, so you know, the eight seats up front are a bit of a gesture, isn't it? I go British, too. I can't do it either.

Oi. Bunch of people died. You just go up at the end of the words. That's what you do. They're always surprised. Oh, what's going on me name's richo who knew they're always answering a question little richo yeah he should have smartened you up because i don't think anyone assumed i would walk on stage and right away

i know what disaster but that's part of the calamity of the coast, they call it. Oh. Yeah, the Newcastle tragedy. Don't 30 people die from getting a snake on a spider trapped in their hair? Not in this part of the country. That's in the middle. In the middle, people live underground because it's too hot. So they just build fucking cities underground because it's like 130 degrees all the time good lord not now though because it's winter huh yeah it's probably 110 there now it's balmy

these people man you love them they i do love them but uh i'll never figure them out i mean the japanese i get it you know they're small they don't speak english they do whatever they want but here i understand everything they're doing uh the only time you can talk is when you're on stage you're like all right just shut up they said my name three and a half minutes ago i'm supposed to be up there so maybe wrap it up about how a kangaroo kicked your mom's head off everybody loses a head down there yeah everyone's headless by 35 their necklace by 10 p.m a bunch of jordan dolls yeah a bunch of jordos that's what they would call them yeah richo and jordo just a head rolling neck in a pint having a bit of neck grace

it's like everything they say and then they also have like very big robust vocabularies so they describe things in like a really uh direct way but then they just keep talking about the same thing over and over again they're really tough to figure out they're pretty much the black people of white people because they're all much funnier than every other white person in the world you know black people are funnier than us as a rule yeah australians are all funnier than we are. Any other whites anywhere. I've been told South Africans are even funnier, probably because they are so close to black people.

They stole it. They like that. Yeah. So, yeah. Down by the water. Yeah, when the kookaburras play. You don't do shows in the middle or no fuck no no one does anything in the middle besides like mine opals and eat clay okay they're sucking the minerals out of stones over there because they can't get water did you start southwest and now you're going east

and north and up and around nah bruv i've been in've been in, not Cuzzy, not Bruvus. It's like, you know how I talk gibberish? That's just how they talk here. They'll be like, oh, I had a wee nip of the mumble shanks, and then the snakes came in, and I was like, oh, it's not me, birthday. It's like, what did you just say to me? What's going on here? And that guy's like the poet laureate of New South Wales.

It's like, oh, he has a medal for his wordplay. It's all limericks. It's all the people who were like too vulgar to perform in the pubs of like 1770s England. So they shipped them down here and let them bang a couple of koalas. And they built their own society. It's like five-year-olds are running a country. It's like, oh, we made up our own games and everyone has to pretend like they matter we've got our own football we've got our weak cricket we smash the wicket you're like good for you we only like meat pies and koalas and everything's

a question and we talk like wiggity biggity chiggity jesus christ how's this place not on fire all the time? The Sidney show was fun. It started at 6.30 for some reason. That was cool. My show last night, 5.30 for some reason. Richo. Richo likes to be able to go out late after the show and really tie one on.

Yeah, he likes to smoke Siggy's. What does he say? I'm going to smug a Darwee. No, smug a Darwee. That's dart, which means'm going to smug a Darwee. I know, smug a Darwee. That's dart, which means cigarette, but he made it Darwee. They call the afternoon the Arvo, which doesn't make any sense. It's like, we just abbreviate everything. Yeah, we'll get a coffee in the Arvo.

And I'm like, where's the Arvo? Is it a fucking grocery store? And he's like, oh, oh, oh, oh oh i'm not doing the thing that every american comic does here is which is just go on stage and be like you guys are weird i address it right away i'm like if you guys think i'm just gonna get up here and say you guys talk funny i'm not doing that yeah and then they're like have a shoey you cunt and i'm like what's this what's a shoeie? It's where you drink a beer out of your shoe. Have you done that yet? Not yet, no, because I haven't been bombing.

But yeah, right away when I walked on stage in Sydney, they're like, shoeie! Shoeie, you cunt! That's fun. That's a pretty fun national dance move, the shooey. Well, again, they're like a bunch of fucking foster kids. Foster's kids. Yeah, Australians

for people. Drinking the oil can. Australian for people. Anyway. You should have done the shooey after you had the bus. The awkward bus open who wants to see me do a shoeie and they're like yeah he's got him back

I just take I solemnly remove my shoe and stand at attention moment of silence for the 10 to 15 who passed they were just turned into human custard on the highway jesus yeah it's uh it's been fraught with peril the whole time often you can hear emily rolling her eyes that's good she's rattling her oculars around up in her birdcage as they say down here when uh you guys are interacting with

other people or what no when people come up and kiss my ass and say how okay they love the book or they love me they love the pod there was five dudes who said they were becker backers and i was like you don't listen to the pod what are you talking about nice yeah did you ship a chubby behemoth shirt down here no i don't think some guy had a chubby behemoth shirt down here at the sydney show so that's cool maybe he made it no it was the gray one with the the rand barnacla drawing on it oh uh nicole was handling those for a while so she must have uh she must have sent it because i never did dude i sold every bit of merch they brought to sydney for me i sold every book and poster that we had the first show it's like people are stoked dude well yeah not everybody makes the trip right no no one comes down here besides like Arj Barker and Doug Venson.

They're still humping the success of the marijuana logs. Yeah, which is hilarious. I had that CD. And that was literally like 20 years ago. Yeah. I had it in high school. I thought maybe 2004. But yeah, long, long ago. Yeah. I had it in high school. I thought maybe 2004.

But yeah, long ago. Yeah. That was important to me. That was a very funny album. This is it, man. What do you got there? Is this crisp?

No, so we had one of these guys. We had more Gapuchong or whatever, you know, the eggs you can't have sex with that you still buy in Japan. We bought one at the wharf because they had a mushroom guy. It was five different mushroom guys. There was a gnocchi mushroom, supportive yellow. And there was one guy who was doing this, like smushing face up and i was like well that's funny but instead the one that i got was the mushroom just pulling them just doing racist chinese guy it's insane

just selling these down here it's what are we what are we doing y'all he's pulling his eyelids down from the bottom which is not a racist thing i don't know dude it looks pretty close to me no i mean it's not really a move that we do so i yeah it might be it might be making fun of like a brand of kiwi or something but warning all our products contain small racist figurines it's like what are we doing but i like to take him and i like to give him a little bath in the slime oh yeah i was gonna make fun of you for bringing the slime but you haven't you had no choice. Yeah, I didn't fly home first. I was like, I better pack up my go bag.

What do I need? My laptop? My mom's ashes? No, fuck that. Just the slime. Put your mom's ashes in the slime. No, dude. Can't desecrate me mommy's dust. Don't deso the dust your two favorite things your mommy and slime together

and making a mess what was I going to say it was funny that you texted us wrote us probably wondering I wonder when these guys will see it and we both immediately reply even though it's five in the morning because of our fucked up sleep schedule yeah i messaged you guys last night at 10 p.m my time and you guys are both awake i was what's going on i was on the toilet of course i have had uh just the weirdest. Diarrhea?

No, the weirdest sleep schedule because I am waking up early and then hanging out until 4 p.m. And then sleeping until 8 or 9, maybe 10. And then dicking around for three hours and then sleeping again for three hours hours and waking up at seven it's fucked but it's also not like it doesn't matter because i just have to like do this until uh tuesday wednesday after bartend but even like wednesday when i worked i was like oh i'm not gonna get my 3 p.m to 7 p.m nap but it was fine and i thought oh i've broken the cycle and then i went right back to it friday and today so uh i i don't know i don't know what it's going to take for it to uh stop but here we are maybe just forcing yourself to stay awake yeah that's the

worst that sucks that's like a solution though you're like i don't know the the answer to this riddle that is time it's like what is don't go to bed you'll be okay it's hard not to when you're very tired and then i'm what i'm a prick i have to like stand up like a horse yeah exactly you're standing up right now i know thank god you're not standing up when you're on the toilet for four hours a day maybe just don't use the toilet and you won't be so sleepy no that's not gonna help either but slime is weeping yeah that's just some of the worst slime i've ever handled did you use it as an egg no i have my wife here she's my egg you had a day without her by the way restless egg syndrome time to retire that

one huh i don't know you tell us well i don't know last night after the bus debacle i was like i know it'll save this i'm having a tough time sleeping no didn't bring him back some guy last night was like i don't get it i was like well it's not there's not much to get don't fucking beautiful mind this thing it kind of rhymes with restless egg in restless leg that's the whole thing all right and he was like oh i was like oh you guys are just stupid that's all you're in this fucking boy king's place also they call bikers bikies like they call outlaw bikers bikies here which is so funny to me like this kid told me a story about his brothers in prison for life because he blasted a cop in

the chest with a shotgun and i was like whoa why and he's like he's a bikie and it's like put some respect on his name bikey sounds like he rode a tricycle to the ice cream stand like oh look at the wee bikies yeah in a lap before school starts. No, this kid's brother has a fucking full swat tatted on his throat. He still calls him a bikey. Shout out, Zane. Good kid.

Right now? Yeah. It's time. Sure. All right. It's slime time. All right. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.

Life can feel totally overwhelming. Maybe things are stressful at school or work. It's slime time. All right. This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Life can feel totally overwhelming. Maybe things are stressful at school or work. Maybe you can't find your slime, and you can't make fart noises whenever you have to break bad news to the neighbors. Maybe you're struggling with unruly kids or elderly parents. Maybe things are tough with your marriage or your friendships. Maybe your wife is almost always pooping her pants at Safeway when you want to talk about wrestling with a drifter better help is here to help you work through life's challenges so you can feel heard understood and less alone i mean i have a personal endorsement for you and it sounds a little something like this who needs who needs a licensed mental health professional when you have a slime bucket

whoa that was nuts so if you're thinking of studying therapy give better help a try i should probably i know plenty of people who i've been in australia uh emily's been diagnosing people's mental illness uh you know just left and right i've been hanging out with andrew wolf for four days and at one point uh we were having a kebab and he was like yeah it's just like the thoughts in my head get going crazy and I can't stop up the jibber jabber. I don't know what that's about. And Emily said, you're unwell. And he went, I am.

And then he told us about how he has two kids, the five-year-old, the eight-year-old, the eight-year-old. He's singing his songs. He does his dances. The five-year-old's fat. He slaps his belly. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's totally online, so it's convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Getting started is easy. Just fill out a quick questionnaire to get matched with a licensed

therapist. If you ever need to swap therapists, you can change at any time, no additional charge, no questions asked. So hey, you can do this all over the phone. And if you're trying to get a laugh out of them, you can be like, yeah, and that's when the suicidal ideations come in. There's going to be one question asked if you ever sign up for BetterHelp, and it's, sir, are you playing with slime right now? No. Why would you say that? I had chicken noodle spaghetti for lunch. That's all.

Let therapy be your map with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash chubby today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P dot com slash chubby today to get 10 off your first month that's better help h-e-l-p.com chubby better help.com chubby uh how much longer are you there guys two more weeks crazy i'll leave two weeks from now and i gotta go to like i i don't got to i gotta say hold on you guys hear that yes what are you doing okay oh god

that's what the egg sounded like no the egg was stealth i utilized the egg uh while people were very close by and no one knew what i was up to you said our door was open it was yeah we're bonds you guys are so self-involved in your phones and your little internal worlds that i was able to sneak one past jack off what would you have done well let's not be gross i think i even checked in and i was like what time are we leaving oh no i know when you did it yeah you know yes everybody knows now so what's up with you guys sounds like you're not sleeping it's not good time because it weeps

I'm sleeping a lot Becker's got COVID and refuses to ask for help I've been getting help I just got like two big grocery runs and haven't needed much else plus these pills they put me on rule this Paxlovid

is kicking ass you're Paxloving it yeah look at him he's fucking gorked yeah he's the prime minister of height and i've been sleeping like 16 hours a day jesus so good i suppose yeah i think it's helping i'm out here flying the flag, the chubby B nation worldwide now. And you guys are just snooze fest USA, dude. Yeah. I got got it.

Customs. Yeah. Well, I don't think you should blame it on the person you blamed it on. I think I should blame it on the guy who was coughing directly on me for 40 minutes. I think that you should blame it on digging cigarette butts out of ashtrays.

Cause you were so eager to have another. This motherfucker smashed so many cigs back to back. Yes, that's supposed to protect you. Did I tell you that he bought a carton of Marlboro Reds in the airport before we left in Tokyo because he was so desperate to have one cigarette? Yes. Did you crush all those Reds?

Did you eat all those cowboy killers? No, I still have a bunch? Yes. Did you crush all those reds? Did you eat all those cowboy killers? No, I still have a bunch of them. Are you handing them out to the nurses when they come to check your vitals? No, I've just been smoking them slowly. They're not great. None of those Japanese cigarettes were

fantastic. They were all just a little subpar. Yeah, a little bit different. what's with the red squirrely are the red stale or something or what no they're just like the same as the camels where like the filter is just not the same and they get like kind of hot huh they don't yeah i mean the filters are made out of fucking dandelions and butterfly wings. That was always very gross to me was when we were able to go up to the Airbnb after walking around in 97 degrees, 98% humidity. And you guys would always be like, well, yeah, we could go up into the ac right now but instead we're gonna huff sigs and stay out here where it's the worst and make it even grosser by puff and tough a lot of the time we were just watching becker smoke too me and bonzo weren't even engaged just like let's keep an eye on him i don't want

them to like revere him as some kind of shinto turtle god come to life because of his exposed dome also becker did not wear a fucking hat the whole time we were there he just had his some kind of Shinto turtle God come to life because it was exposed. Also Becker did not wear a fucking hat the whole time we were there. He just had his glistening fucking bulb out on display. And I was so nervous the whole time we were going to, I thought your head, you're going to wake up one morning and it would just look like a fruit roll up and we would peel it off and then you would eat it. You'd be like,

Oh, I make my own candy now. No, I was pretty sure I was gonna be okay because i was already bald enough that i'd already burned my head a couple of times that summer so it already gotten that base layer that summer that magical summer that's still happening color yeah but i already had a base yeah i i'm using i'm using hymns now i'm using keeps or whatever yeah this is boners i'm gonna have to do that i'm using it man becker you just gotta write it off brother all right it's time

for you to grow a mustache or learn the violin because maybe get a unibrow or like so i don't think i should keep it what It bummed your mom out? Yeah, she was like, you can't do that. I was like, why? She's like, you look like my grandfather. I'm not dead yet. Just wait. My mom loves it.

The two rubber bands make it look like a little body bag. It looks like lumpy and put it because we had to we had to delineate between emily's and mine because emily's dad is with us as well in the bag no they were two separate bags i was like can we just put them in the same bag and emily was like that's weird oh is it to mix fucking body remains in one ziploc bag that's bizarre we're gonna dump them in the same trash can God eventually yeah I know I don't know I forgot to dump her out in Japan I feel bad nothing made her laugh more than the people from that humble island stronghold.

That was like the one thing that gave her joy. Counting airplanes, mojitos, and Chinese and Japanese people walking by. Nothing tickled her as much. Just after the stroke, right? Yeah. Or at least like maybe she just let her guard down after the stroke. Maybe before, she was just like just stifling laughter every time she walked by.

That'd be funny. Fighting her tongue. To keep from howling with laughter, whatever. Asian people are present. She was a complicated woman. Ugh, it's bedtime. present complicated woman bedtime no show tonight for me guys I got a big night ahead of me and some natural wine and you got did you did you stock up you said you were next to a natural wine

place I don't know yeah i've been drinking a bunch of natural wine here man like a bottle a day hasn't been affecting me i'm fine orange there's some orange involved there's some just a bunch of just fucking pet gnats it's been fun man uh i really i could see myself living here i might i might expatriate and move down here for a while, guys. Get used to this schedule for the pod. Also, I lost my passport.

No. I can't come home. Okay. A lot of people would be worried. You can't go to Paris. I can still get into Paris. They know me there.

They know me as Bulbo the Buffon. The clown from abroad. I am excited for Paris, but I'm not super excited for the stress

of not knowing the language without the like tokyo was fine like people spoke english and most of the menus and trains were had english on them and paris you know we were there and it's not like that. It's more difficult to navigate. Might have to do Google Translate so that we can just, you know, skate by conversation by conversation. Just a quick translate. I'll bet they hate that, too, though, having a little your phone say something in French because you're a little baby who doesn't know how to do it yourself yeah they might hate our google translate but they sure do love our fucking blue jeans i don't give a shit i'm going in hot i'm gonna make them flinch i'm gonna be fucking flicking their little bow ties and pinching their nips. Out of the way, frog man.

I am excited, though. The food is great. Oh yeah, we can't eat while we're there. Fuck. Sorry, dude. That sucks. Yeah, I know. I'm going to walk around. I'm going to walk 20 miles a day with no fuel. Yeah, because it's

being sponsored by Soylent, so we just have to eat Soylent for a week. Oh, that's fine. It'll take care of all my needs. Yeah, it will. Much like this guy will. As soon as we're done with the pod. I'm going to go change the key on Emmy. She can figure it out on the streets with Richo.

He's with you the whole time? Yeah, him and Jez Watts. This guy Jez Watts stepped up. And it's nuts, because Jez is sober and jez watts this guy jez watts stepped up and it's nuts because jez is sober and has like four degrees in like you know neuroscience and like data analytics and richo you know grew up inside of a kookaburra tree being tricked by the moon when it left the sky at night so um they're just like a perfect yin yang situation all my needs are met it's awesome I'm just kidding, Richo's quite capable

he keeps threatening to beat people up, which I like he's like give me the side eye because I'll make both his eyes crooked no, Richo she lost her brother died in the bus crash she's not giving me the side eye.

Somebody else was doing that for you. Who was that? Somebody was threatening to fight every other person. I can't remember where you were, but somebody was a little too fired up everywhere you went. No, it might have been in Toronto, right?

It was that same night. Oh, yeah, that big boy Jake. The guy in the bar that wouldn't leave and then insisted that he hadn't stolen that jacket. Pretty much whenever I leave the States, people are trying to rough up roustabouts on my behalf. I like that. No one did that in japan but we didn't have to everybody got out of your way did you ever yeah they kept pointing and saying godzilla you never bumped into someone and then i bumped into that one guy ran into my belly and

he bounced all the way across the subway tracks but But then I brought him back across by Kirby-ing him. So it was okay. I love this slime. It's really bringing me back. You're entranced there. You can't look away. I might have slime autism. Yeah, maybe that's the version.

I think I found my thing. Some people like train horns. Some guys like clock radios. Yeah, you made fun of train guys. Meanwhile, you can't concentrate on account of the slime. I've gone mental on account of the slime. I haven't really played with it much since I've been here. I've been busy, but now that I have some time alone.

You don't. We're right here. Oh, sorry. I forgot. I mean, this thing runs itself at this point. If I want to have a wee wiggle with my green blob, I can. Check this out. Where'd it go?

Oh, there it is. check this out where'd it go oh there it is learn how to juggle i can juggle but not slime why not slime because i care for it too much i don't want to rough it up i don't want to bruise it and also look at as you rip it in half? I'm not ripping it in half, am I? So... I'm sorry. I'll focus. I gotta put this away. This can't be another slime episode.

See you later! Bye, guys! Thanks for listening to Charlie Behemoth! Hop! Okay, focus, focus, focus. I have to focus on not shitting my pants. Yeah, it's been 18 minutes. It's difficult.

Now that I know that the slime's right there, I really can't bring it back to this. I like these late night episodes What time is it there? What time is it? 4.42 No it's not Oh PM

Gotcha Yeah we had a big train ride today Richo was navigating the train And you know He didn't know what it was supposed to do so we ended up taking a bus and on the bus me and emmy were trying to read but they were playing like uh some podcast the bus driver was playing a podcast about australian rugby and like so we put in fucking earplugs at one point and then he turned it up and emily just went what the heck really loud

yeah well it is wild isn't it it was an odd decision it was an odd choice on behalf of the bus driver because all the fucking seafaring grandmas who were riding back from the pickle festival or whatever they didn't want to hear about you know the the south metronome broncos versus the tuwamba guamba eels dude also here it really feels like they're spiking the football because they fucking you know everywhere you go it's like we honor the sacred caretakers of this land you know the the chipumba tribe or the uh you know the juma joris but it's like you're just gloating you're just doing a victory lap you know it's like you're admitting

that you stole the land and then you like then they also put up these paintings of like uh you know uh elders and they just look like uh like a fucking pumpkin that's been left outside until mid-November. It's like they couldn't pick a hot young indigenous person. You have to put up grandma's grandma. Sorry you can't jack it on the bus to hot ass from a long ago tribe. It's like, hey, we stole the land. But then to be like, hey, we admit that we stole the land, so thank you to the fucking sacred stewards of this land. Oh, the slime's back.

Yeah, it took you two minutes to grab it again. Sorry. It's my only friend. I'm going to dump everywhere. Do it. That'd be good. I don't want to. You should do it on top of Jake's head.

We can do a little slip and slide. Leonard, do you do any shows since you've been back? Have you been riffing on Japan? No, I haven't done anything. I've been sleeping and I worked once. It's been nice. I have done a little bits of promoting the special. Thank God that's almost over.

It's, you know, I don't know. You're the same way. it's you know i i don't know you're the same way like you want to worry about the next show not like dwell on this one fucking show and be like i don't know i i hate when i'm on twitter and i see somebody giving you a fucking update at three times a day about their upcoming special or movie that they made or that they're making and yes i understand that that's like kind of how you're supposed to do it but doesn't mean that it's not annoying that it's not like frustrating to be like hey here's another post reminding you about my stupid thing i'm over it so but soups up comes out august 14th is that right soups up comes out August 14th. Is that right? Soups Up comes out February of next year.

And I have to post every day about it. Yeah. It has to be my favorite soup. I have to get cute with it. So it's my favorite soup. Soup of the day. I have to do a soup of the day for the next six months. Every fucking day.

There's like five soups. And I somehow have to do something with that. I bet we can name more than five soups And I somehow have to do something with that I bet we can name more than five soups right now Ready? There's only five There's chowder, there's seafood one And then there's Spaghetti

Chicken noodle spaghetti And that's it What? Those are the three One of them was real. I'm saying. There's a seafood one and there's chicken noodle spaghetti. Man, your parents did not know how to cook, huh?

Oh, no. Not at all. Man, I'll say this. Do you think those are the only soups that i know i know soups i don't know dude late there you're delirious becker's cackling like a demon i mean his eyes are barely open his head's never been more exposed his head looks full of phlegm yeah i wish a pedologist would come and measure your dome right now, Becker. See how phlegmy it is?

It's mostly phlegm. It really is. I'll say this about Australia. The hooters are flopping. Even in the winter. Oh yeah. The dumps have been dumped.

They are out and about. Is Emily catching you? Is she noticing this as well? Is she into that? Oh, she'll be like, whoa, check out those. Nice. Whoa, those are heavy. Like, chill out.

Wait till I get back to the slime. No, no. Sorry. You would see twice as many pears if you weren't head down in the slime on the bus. We had a meal

at the top of the Sydney Tower the other day. 88 stories in the air in a revolving restaurant. When we got up there, there was a bunch of tables near the window and then you get a sit and it rotates and you're up there to buffet you're up there for 90 minutes and we were like oh can we sit by the window and they were like well it's 15 more which means 10 bucks each because it's like two-thirds here i was like over there so every

table is right by the window. Everyone's sitting right by the window looking out. Wow, it's the harbor. Wow, it's the opera house. But then I went to get some crab legs, and there was one table that was not by the window that was

occupied, and it was a sleeveless shirt man and his three very fat family members there were three dollops and a man named burlap and you could tell that he was like you could tell he was just like i already paid 80 bucks to get up here for each of us that's 360 bucks we don't need to sit by the fucking window we can see it from here you look it's fine you can see it right there he was him just standing his ground and i really i was just like man i know what you're doing right now and god bless you because you're going to be hearing about this for the

whole rest of the fucking trip these these fucking these hens aren't going to quit clucking about how duddy wouldn't spring for the table side view you know it's like he was just put his foot down and he had a whole there was there was crab up there there was lobster there was uh you know everything you wanted he just had a big pile of french fries with hot dogs this guy this is the bravest man in all of australia right now This is the bravest man in all of Australia right now. Wait, did you say you couldn't sit by the window? Or did you?

No, we did. We upgraded. We paid the extra $10 each to go sit by the window. But this guy was like, I can tell. He was just like, fuck that. We're fine right here. You don't need to be by the window to eat your gloop. All right? Eat your fucking chicken noodle spaghetti, you bitch.

Were they American? I have no idea. He was sleeveless, so I assume he was American. But he's just a real Bulbasaur of a guy, just firmly planted. You want to pay for it? You fucking work in the Aircon factory, all right? Could you see pretty good from where he was do you think or no he would i don't know they were missing i don't know i didn't i didn't i

didn't fucking stand my ground i i moved when my wife was like let's do it and i was like you got it baby i work hard so you can play hard your hands like your hands look like that, so my hands can look like this. And then they were all covered in slime. Your hands are covered in blood. Yeah. So that your hands can be covered in slime. Oh, dude. I had the best piece of cheese ever.

All right. That was exciting. There's this guy down here named cole wood and i've been following his cheese making exploits for years i told emily she's like what do you want to do when we get down there do you want to hold a koala in sydney do you want to go to the opera house i was like i got to get some of this guy's cheese and she was like who am i fucking married to it's been 12 years i still can't figure you out so i hunted him down at this farmer's market and it was like the one time like i set my alarm for eight i was like baby we got to get out of here and she was

like what so i fucking drag her out of bed we go to the farmer's market wait in line for 20 minutes to get this guy's cheese the cheese just woke up yeah they just awaken the new cheese gotta get down there before it gets cranky so yeah i so we ordered the cheese and he it's uh it's like roasted like sheep's milk cheese that he does over coals and then he makes a sandwich with it over like wood coals he harvests from the wood by the woods by his house his name's cole wood and he's his whole thing is wood and coals that's right dude yeah that's not his name his real name is shiby mcgillico no his real name is colin because i found out because i stood by him while he made our sandwiches and was like so that's the cheese, huh? Big fan, been following you for years.

I was one of your first thousand followers, and now look at you. And he's like, what? And I was like, yeah. Is that the one you make with the Moor's Head deli meat, or the Moor's Head dairy? And he was like, yeah, it is. Why do you know that? And I was like, oh, just big fan.

Cheese is kind of like slime, and I'm a big slime guy. Another one of these American slime guys comes down here blows up my spot thinks he can talk to me about cheese because he's had a slime or two yeah so i just bothered him for like the 12 minutes it took him to make my sandwich and then i did the thing where i got it and i was like i've been waiting for this for years man and he like looked up like how sad is this guy's life that this is the fucking peak of his australia trip and i was like emmy take a picture of me eating it in front of cole it's like totally embarrassing but i didn't care so yeah i bit into the sandwich and I was like, oh my God. I was being so sincere.

And Emily was like, you need to stop. But yeah, I ate it right by him. I kept checking in and being like, dude, this was worth it. This superseded all expectations. He was so bored and over. Bite four was even better than bite three. He told me, he's like, you should get a table and sit down.

He tried to fucking run me out of there. Yeah, it was a brutal display for me, the white wad from up north. But it was good, man. Gold Street Dairy. Shout out to him. I'm glad it was good. Wait, also a big old sandwich at 8.30 in the morning?

Yeah, a big old cheese brick sandwich at 8.30, followed up by a cup of coffee. My innards didn't know if they were coming or going. Yeah. And then I had a smoothie, and then it was a rush to the toilet it was just like a coin flip if i was gonna get if they might have fucking booted me out of the country if i if i did what i did when i got back outside megan had a close call we were at safeway and she was like we have to go now and there was a guy waiting in line

at Starbucks who is a big wrestling fan and I wanted to tell him about how we saw Okada and Osprey live but I knew that we would talk for more than like 10 seconds and we didn't I didn't have didn't have the time I didn't want uh to be the reason that Megan didn't make it home in time. So I had to just give him a wave and keep moving. That would have been bad for the business. She made it. She made it. It would have been bad for mutiny.

Because that would have been all over the city. That would have been like big news in Trinidad. That would have been the bus disaster of trinidad that day there's a there's a bus disaster in those bathrooms like every other day becker was that the case when you worked there it was people just people don't know how their bodies work and then figure it out at mutiny where they're like oh god i forgot i have i have to shit like yeah it's it's truly insane how people shit in public at every place i've ever worked yeah there's like a hard line of people who just sometimes like when i worked at safeway in high school people would

go in there and like i don't know how they do it but they would like turd into their hand and then throw it at the ceiling yes yeah yeah and then when you have to when you have to like fucking mop the ceiling and then that water's dripping down on you you're just getting shit water in your hair you're right bald head yeah you try and do it from an angle and it still doesn't work like it sucked it's the fucking i don't know what they do it's like it's like they just go fucking primeval in there and they're just hucking their turds all over the wall i remember one guy drew a swastika and turd one time oh god yeah i'm pretty sure it was brad gabrielski because he was like later that day when we were smoking cigarettes out front he was like were you

in the bathroom today and i was like yeah he's like yeah that's pretty good. He was like, were you in the bathroom today? And I was like, yeah. He's like, yeah, that's pretty good, right? And I was like, did you do the swastika? And he just kept moving. I think that maybe at least some of the explanation is that a lot of people don't want to have to shit in public, so they hold it off.

You're shitting in private the way you're supposed to but so they just start like they're just going they're trying to go from like store to store and not have it be an issue and it's like that's not how it works you're not in control you have to fucking shit and you don't wait until it's the same thing with puking people will drink and just like all of a sudden puke at the bar and it's like you felt bad and you knew that you had to puke but you're like well maybe i won't and i'll take this other this like next shot and i it won't make me puke of course it does

and then they act like surprised it's like come on man you're an adult you you if you don't feel good you go to the bathroom you sort it out yeah i hate when people are immature couldn't get a good one there there's been a there's been a lot of good ones it'd be funny if you're like a fucking ER doctor and you're like Mrs. Montgomery I'm sorry but we lost him but here to lessen the blow Sam Talent on slime I just get hired. You're like Patch Adams.

Yeah. That was a good one. Help soften the blow. Nothing softer than slime. Remember that. Put that on my tombstone. Do we have ads? Can we please do that

before I slime all over the place? Uh-oh, someone's here. What's that? It's my wife. The slime detector is going off. There's another one? I don't know. we have the same question maybe I'll send it to me

I think that might be the only one I'm back mate is that the only ad read that's all we have this week yeah nice alright well good job I'll get this posted either at lunch or at dinner. We have to wrap it up. It's wrapped.

Go in the middle. There was a good button of the slime. Well, speaking of slime buttons, you can come ring my slime button all over Australia for the rest of the month. Brisbane, Adelaide, Perth, Melbourne, Gold Coast coast cairns

innisfil i'll be everywhere they got a microphone and then when i come back to the states you can see me at laugh boston in september as well as the mothership comedy club in austin texas i will be the first comic to perform at the fat man who brings the slime tub on stage. So come on down, see the new slime hour. Rogan's been talking about how he likes to bathe in ice-cold Arctic waters. I'm going to see if he'll fill up a whole tub with slime and let me get in there and wallow around like my little mushroom man. Also, join the Patreon. We're having a lot of fun over there.

We're posting videos biweekly. We've got the whole run that we did at Claros the Northeast. And then some Japanese stuff will be on there as well. Lund, soup's out. It's going to be available soon. Soup's on on YouTube August 10th. I think it'll be 8 p.m. Eastern. So there is a page that you can

link that you can click on on my Instagram and you can click notify me and you'll get an email. You'll get an alert when the special goes live. If you can like the link, you can comment.

So please, let's get some interaction over there and uh drum up some some anticipatory excitement we're gonna play a clip real quick from the special here's uh here's a little preview clip from nathan lunn presents soup song oh you suck get off stage you suck i'm gonna shit my pants. What the hell? Ah, fuck. This sucks.

Damn it. I just dumped my load in my own pants. Fuck. This is my special. God damn it. So yeah, go watch that. Join the Patreon. We love you. We need you. And now, a little wisdom from the slime

hoping to get one good one to end on yeah get a good one there we go ah damn it talked over it i i biffed it this is my art one respect it i stepped on the slime oh dude do it with your feet that could be a whole other thing that's for the patreon patreon.com slash showy behemoth see me stomp slime goodbye