Chubby Behemoth - Chief Fest ’22

Episode Date: May 11, 2022

Live episode from the Chief Comedy Festival in Trinidad CO   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

All right, here we go. Hey, this is an episode of Chubby Behemoth. God damn it. I literally have a gun to my head. Wally Wallace. Wally Wallace put a gun in my mouth and said, you signed a contract. We're at the Chappelle House Funeral Home, me and Jake Becker. No Jake Gillespie.

He was on the Patreon episode. It went pretty good. Yeah, that was fun. I thought you were going to want some McDonald's. You didn't want any McDonald's. I's i've been i i had red beans i ate all day john belia red beans and rice yeah shrimp pasta fucking rule dude yeah naman you're the dog name it mo yeah they rule uh accused of putting drugs into their food by uh the religious right yeah local trash people yeah that sucked uh they are doing good they're bringing spices and flavor to a flavorless uh white bread town yeah and getting punished for

it by a guy who overcharges for uh wings and coffee and so pray for him pray for him please uh to see the light uh pray that i don't beat his ass but uh yeah naming them all were great uh the festival festival's uh fun until you're older married and now um literal gun in the mouth i'm suicidal it's been 12 hours that i've had to talk to people i like and i get upset and i had a panic attack and now i'm here we weren't gonna do it and then seven comics came sauntering over tripping balls and they were like entertain me guiguo they came up guiguo style mitch jones like guiguo guiguo chubby behemoth and i was like god damn it mitch for you i guess i'll do the pod i wanted noah on here he uh ate a bunch of mcdonald's and then uh walked away from me he said i'm not doing the pod i was like sam's not gonna be there to

bully you and he was like but then you'll bully me in sam's voice and i said yes i will i'll have to double the bullying oh poor noah yeah we went to mcdonald's i got a quarter pounder with cheese a big mac and a hot and spicy mcchicken and i ate it so fast noah marveled at the speed that i downed it and uh i ate some of his fries i was like i'm going to eat that McNugget if you don't put it in. And he did. What did Noah order? Noah got a 10-piece McNugget, a Big Mac, and a hot and spicy McChicken. I feel like pound to pound, that's more food. And he got the fries.

But I ate it very quickly. He barely finished one of his things, and I was done. And I was like, let's go. I got to go do a podcast I don't want to do. And it's funny that I don't want to, because Sam was supposed to cancel this for us, and then I don't think he did, because he was fucking a koala or whatever.

Yeah. He put weed in a didgeridoo and tried to smoke it he's he got that new gonorrhea yeah he gave he gave a he gave a koala chlamydia which is not how it's supposed to work but uh god and you said uh that he fucked up the timing difference he was like i'm 15 hours ahead but it's also the next day and i was like what are you talking about yeah he was texting us we're behind but i'm ahead trying to plan it out and he kept telling us it was a time where we were that it wasn't he was like he was like it's 2006 here so we can't record and it's like just say you don't want to record yeah it's it's 9 o'clock here, so it's 11.45 there. And I was like, no. Yeah, the minutes don't change.

Yeah, fuck them. Hopefully an anaconda is squeezing the life from his body right now. While a spider bites his face. He's being taken down by indigenous insect and reptile attacks. He'd be the first person to die of a venom in, what is it, like 28 years? Oh, Tim will suck out the venom, but then he'll have gonorrhea and chlamydia. Yeah, I want to know how Han and I asked Steve AJ, and he said, I haven't slept, man. And I was like, all right, if you make it, you make it.

And so I figure, you know, if any of you want to ask a question, raise your hand. And then, yeah, but I don't want any of them on the podcast. Zach did it once. He sucked. We should have Mitch on with Sam. Truff's is on ecstasy mitch mitch mitch will breathe too hard into the mic but mitch's dick is famous on our podcast mitch uh come up here and we'll have uh jeff albright call in and scream at you that's for the room but uh i'm playing to

the people in the room instead of the thousands of people that are going to listen to this. I just want to hear the laughter, Jake. I want to hear the laughs again. It'll happen. Do you have any questions about your dick, Mitch? How cool is your dick, Mitch, on a scale of 1 to 10? How cool? Not how big, not how long.

How cool is it? Is it pretty cool? Are you satisfied with it? Do you get good feedback in person or online? I'm talking to the fucking mic. No, I'd rather you not. Just project. Just talk real loud.

See, look, you can't even respond off mic. Why should I? It's a six. It's a six. No. I'll bet it's thick, but it's stubby, right? It's like a big toe. You just have a big toe without a nail on it.

I picture, like, see that Lysol can? A Lysol? Oh, shit. That Lysol can's about what I picture Mitch's dick. Is this between your legs, Mitch? This is a big old... This will kill 99.9% of viruses, bacteria, and sexual partners. You'd have to be real special to be able to survive this thing.

It'd have to be that big for it to look normal in your hands. Disinfectant spray. Yes or no? is this accurate okay well i would have immediately wanted to see it i would have i would have crushed up a viagra and put it into some pudding and made you eat the pudding. Eat the pudding, Mitch. Not that I would have had to force you. You would have gladly eaten some free pudding, and then all of a sudden you're rock hard. Everybody's upset.

They're like, oh, my God. This would be too much. Yes. You're a nice guy. I think you'd be like, it's not even that big. It's like, Jesus, Mitch, this is the biggest one. Rasputin would be like, holy shit, man. That's a cool dick uh we uh yeah it's been a good day it's been a good

festival i guess uh it's just a lot and uh day one's over i have to wake up early tomorrow to go to raton see that's all zach would do is just make fun of every fucking little thing i say zach sucks too critical i hosted a show that zach was on and uh when we did a show uh at main street live a week ago i think they had a play going on and so the the curtains were like not detached they didn't part in the middle. This is true, you motherfucker. You weren't there. This is true. Even Becker knows, and he wasn't even there.

This makes sense because he told me earlier about it. What happened? Yeah. So, yeah, I tell him what I believe might still be true, which is I don't know if you can get through this curtain right now. I think it might be, like, attached to itself or whatever. And then he's like, well, we'll'll find out and then he goes through it easily it's it's it's a normal the middle of the curtain opens up and he comes through and he just way it just blasts me on the mic goes long because he takes the first three minutes of his set to make fun of me this

motherfucker doesn't know what a curtain does and And I was like, come on, man. There's a fucking door. You could have used the door. I was trying to prevent him from getting tangled up in a curtain and hurting himself. But instead, yeah, he got me. He got me pretty good. Everybody took his side.

I'm so glad we don't have a microphone. Yeah, that's why I like it. That's why I like it. Stay back there. Nobody's clamoring for more whiskey and cigarettes. Another burn for the room. You guys did 1,200 episodes, which is cool. Almost as many as broadcast geeks.

You guys did 1,200 episodes, which is cool. Almost as many as broadcast geeks. Yeah, but Whiskey and Cigarettes got Zach reminded. You guys are kind of big, right? We got huge numbers. I looked the other day after he brought it up, and we were beating us. As huge as Mitch's dick? We were beating us. Oh, shit.

Shut the fuck up, Mitch. Yeah, how much money did you make out of all those listeners we didn't know how to monetize it at all oh no because i know zach zach yeah you made a bunch of money on the podcast you made a bunch of money touring with brett hiker you did a lot of a lot of lucrative gigs. A lot of shows in the park. It's like, all right, the ranger just came through and kicked out some of the people that were sleeping. So we have an hour to get in some killer jokes.

Anyway, I'm full of McDonald's, which gives you that bad energy, that bad juju, where you want to burn down the world. And yeah, Noah left. I wanted to take out my dark energy on him. Yeah. He knew. He knew. Well, he gets scared about doing the podcast because he knows some of the listeners don't like him. Toad Spode Moore. Toad started it all.

We wouldn't be where we are today performing in front of four people if it weren't for Toad hitting his head at 25 and therefore living forever. Isn't that the irony? The younger you go, the longer you last. Just young forever. He did comedy, too. Trinidad? No. No?

It was before? Why does it sound like there's a cool party going on at the post office? It sounds like there's a group of people coming towards us. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, no. It's getting closer. They start banging on the windows like, no, God, no. Yeah, that's possible.

But why would they come here? Nobody wants to look at a... Oh, yeah, yeah yeah some people might think sam's here still and that they haven't seen him yet so they'd want to run into him yeah well yeah busy sleeping and eating they're like sam sam's uh two days ahead but he's flying back so it'll be the end of April in Australia, the beginning of May here. Yeah, a lot of fuzzy math to get Sam here. No, Sam's busy. But hey, we're busy too. We're spreading the good word.

Last year I wanted Sam and I to pop out of caskets and we couldn't do it. And I also asked the director of the funeral home, hey, do you have any bodies without a family that we could put on display? And he didn't respond to my texts. So it must be illegal or unethical or something. To be fair, though, that same week he tricked you and I into moving a body. We did. No, no, there wasn't a body.

It was just a casket, right? It was empty. No. Dead body. There was a body in it. It wasn't very heavy. Was it a child? It was not heavy.

It was finished, and yeah, I think it was a small elderly person. It was a man who died of bulimia, which you don't always see. It's like a woman who shoots herself. It's against the grain. But they're out there. But it does happen this this reality can surprise you now and then when uh when you think you know it all but yeah it was a light that was a light i thought it was an empty empty empty uh coffin

it was like cardboard coffin right it's like yeah it was it was like the coffin you get if no one claims if nobody ever cared about you it's a shoebox you get if no one claims you. If nobody ever cared about you. It's a shoebox. You get a cardboard coffin with air holes just in case. Which, yeah. Just in case that kid was just allergic to something and was about to snap out of it. That box has to collapse under the weight of the dirt, right? Like there's no way you stay in a box once there's six feet of dirt on top of a shoe box right no yeah it crushes immediately it's worth less than nothing oh there you go yeah dirt gets in smart anyway yeah the leslie knows that but she thought texas toast only came frozen

what she didn't know it was just like a size of toast you could have oh yeah you just need a special toaster it's my favorite thing from all month yeah uh i mean they perfected the frozen version you don't need to make it fresh except well i proposed it on something and she was like but it has butter on it i was like what are you talking oh you think it only comes from the freezer aisle yeah yeah yeah well latchkey kids that's we we run the world oh you lasted as long as you could joel thank you for your support no no thanks just just wherever you're going wherever you're going just keep walking and go past it and then uh you know, just walk into some water. Unless you have more jerky.

No, he finished the bag. I saw him eat it all. He was breathing hard eating that jerky. It was aggressive. I like eating so much jerky, your jaw hurts. That weird top of the head. Yeah, hell yeah. You get a migraine from eating too much hard jerky.

It's not even good, but you have to eat it all. Otherwise, somebody else gets to eat it. You don't even want it. God, how much pizza did you have last night? God, I already had eaten at the... What's the hot dog place called? Year of the Dog. Year of the Dog. I had two elote dogs

and two dogs is a lot yeah i know i want more than one and then uh when i finished the second one i'm always like fuck why can't you order half a dog part of why i like naming so much is i can be like can i have two elote dogs and a pimento sandwich and he doesn't blink an eye he's just like yeah how's your day going he doesn't look at me even a little bit with even a little bit of judgment because he knows i'm driving home to eat it alone you eat it in the bathroom yeah you eat it in the mirror i'd already had that and then i ended up having like nine pieces of pizza oh god damn's awesome. They were cut in half. They were like little kid slices, but nine is good. I'm counting normal slices. Oh, God.

My Lord. That's a lot, dude. All right, that's good. I was going to make fun of you for no McDonald's, but you ate enough for a week yesterday. Well, and then I ate a half bag of lemon Kit Kats and a half bag of strawberry Kit Kats from Korea and I had a bag of gummies from Korea. And you ate the Korean courier that brought that

shit from Korea. Yeah, my sister kept sending me dope candy. It rules. You started eating his fingers and the bag. Huh? Moss is making fun of me. He's going to talk himself out of eating any of my Korean Kit Kats tonight. He doesn't like food talk? You don't think this is engaging?

I used to ask a lot of food questions on whiskey and cigarettes Oh, and then he'd make fun of you? Where's the sledge and pork? It's at my house Let's go eat it No, I just had all that fucking McDonald's We could go have a taco party We could have a lemon party We could all suck fucking McDonald's. We could go have a taco party.

We could have a lemon party. We could all suck each other's old ass dicks. You're just there for notes. Is there a bull update? Have you had any bulls come through the yard? I've had no more bull attacks in my house. Do you know about this, Moss? Seconds after I signed the papers on the financing for my house do you know about this moss seconds after i signed the papers on the financing for my house uh a bull attacked me in my sign or in my front yard and he had to hide in

my house with me for 25 minutes but a giant bull came up picked up my trash can almost totaled my Buick. Scary giant bowl. Yeah, see? You get it now. It was very wild. It felt like God was saying something to me. You've seen bears. You've seen a cougar. Yep.

A mountain lion. You've... A wolf? A snake on my porch. Did a wolf go by no wolf damn yeah he's yeah he's on the way out of town and i don't know yeah yeah they come they come into town yeah follow the river in and then i border the edge of town i go right up to the trinidad state lake state park i feed him beef jerky the bears here are fucking huge Trinidad Lake State Park. I feed them beef jerky.

The bears here are fucking huge. Can you come and suggest to see the things that you and our bear can do? Man. What about that trash can? I figured out trash cans at state parks. I can get in there. It takes me a while. I use my teeth. I can get in there. It takes me a while. I use my teeth. But I get in there.

I wreck them. And then I take all the garbage out, and then I take what I want, and I leave the rest. I don't put it back in. I mean, that's just a waste of time. And I sleep for three months every winter. Nice. But are you just going to keep moving around, Zach? He wants it to sound like he's different sex. winter. Are you just going to keep moving around, Zach?

He wants it to sound like he's different sex. Yeah, that was on Twitter. We were all wrong about hibernation. Bears don't actually hibernate. It's a different thing or whatever. They do hibernate, but they're not just asleep. Okay, yeah. It's a slowing of the body's

systems. They're stoned as hell. Zach loves turtles. I love the turtles. He loves turtles. Yeah, you like ninja turtles. Yeah, too much for a grown man. I was going to read a poem that a man gave to noah but no noah said he was nice so i decided

not to but it was real bad was it from ragio yeah oh where is it i don't know i didn't bring it because i know i was like no he's a nice guy no he's not okay i didn't bring it it was definitely, you know, just like the first poem you would ever write. Yes. Dude, he. Yeah. Did he do it? Did he do poetry at the open mic? I tried to get him to do it, but he was like, no, I'll let you and Christina clean it in 45 minutes.

Yeah, so a lot of missteps in the year three of the festival yeah a running open mic sure that sounds fun except when you have all the comics already doing sets then uh you're just gonna have some local psycho kind of scream at the world yeah a guy who got head trauma trauma in 1963 whoa no ragio i know we have multiple ones but ragio yeah he got a head injury in 1963 and has never adjusted to being able to know when people don't want to talk to him anymore is it it feels like a punishment that we earned he's the kind of hippie that made people like gordon gecko like he was meeting people like that that made you want to crush poor people that thought that way he sucks somebody should have finished the job but they they left him alone and gave him a pen and a piece of paper

and they're like let's see what your heart has to say god damn it he's able to make shit rhyme line by line which is uh pretty good for a spy i was gonna say you love it from him but hate it from sam sam freestyle raps and it feels like cultural appropriation well it's it's because of the voice he's doing the voice he has the voice he grabs his crotch uh he sags his pants and it's like come on this is a caricature uh troughs did you bring any gimp masks this year yep no gimp mask the first year troughs uh brought gimp masks and they got pulled out during the podcast and the cops were called

and they said they said cool, get mask. Noah's here, everybody. Noah came. No, stop that. Noah's being booed. Noah's the best. What are you doing? Have a seat in the audience.

No, come on if you want. We have a 9-11 book. How old were you on 9-11 of 2001, Noah? I would have been... Talk into the mic. I would have been five. Huh. I would have been five.

Yeah, do that one. There it is. Check, check, check, check. You were five years old. What did you do that day? Where was I, you mean? Jerk off. I was in New York City.

Yeah. Are you going full Ranazizi on us here? No. Okay. This is cool, though. Is it cool? Oh, it's a 911. Oh, the names.

There's like a step-by-step pictorial of how it, you know. Do you guys know what really happened that day? I don't know what took down building seven amen um where were you where were you guys on september 11th i was in college i was in college my mom called me she said uh what are you doing i said none of your business uh i don't live i hate you i don't want to talk to you i don't live in your house anymore? Yeah. I said, I just fucked a bitch. No condom. Nice.

In the ass. No. It doesn't count. I was lashing out. She was very loving and I didn't know what to do with that love. We're at war, Nathan. She said,

the, I don't want to say what she said, but the Arabs have attacked. And she didn't say Arab. She didn't mispronounce it said, but the Arabs have attacked. And she didn't say Arab. She didn't mispronounce it. She said a whole other word that we don't use.

It starts with sand? No, no. Oh, God, Jake. I wasn't saying towelhead. And you made it way worse. But no, my mom didn't say any of this stuff. She thought it, but she didn't say it. She got worried for me, and I was like, I'm in Reno, Nevada.

I'm going to be fine. This is the biggest little city in the world, and that is not literally true. It is a podunk fucking half-collegetown, half-sad, high-mountain-desert, gambling-addicted mess. Where were you on the day of days? I was at the junior high I went to that's at the base of NORAD. No way. Yeah. So you actually should have been scared.

Oh, I was scared because we were watching it on TV, and when the second plane hit, the whole school shook from the fighter jets going over us. Whoa. Down, down, down, down, down, down. We could read the serial numbers off of them from the soccer field. And you did because you're autistic and you were fascinated by, you memorized each one as it went by,

and then you counted how many clouds were in the sky. Yeah. Do you want to play some of these, do some of these lines from the 911 calls? Oh, God, no. We're having fun making fun of 9-11 in the abstract. Yeah, no, I know. That seems too real.

It's way too real, and I'm the one. Do I burn to death or do I plummet to my doom? Female caller screaming is how it opens. The 911 operator says, I'm not paid for this. You guys told me to riff on this. Somebody brought this to a comedy table. This was not us. It's you. This is just a table. Do you guys told me to riff on this. Somebody brought this to a comedy table. This was not us. It's you.

This is just a table. Do you guys want me to open the show? This isn't an official comedy table. This is just a table. Do you have any questions for us, Noah? Yeah, what has happened so far? What has happened so far? We've talked about Mitch's penis.

We think it's this size, probably. Lysol can. What do you think? I don't think it's any of our business. Or it might be this. I think we should see the Lysol can in Mitch's hand so people can see where I'm coming from here. Mitch is circumcised, so this is the shaft, and then this is the head. And then when he comes, it's a spray.

It's a mist. It's lavender because you eat potpourri. So you guys got 15 minutes out of that? Like eight. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're almost done. That's cool.

How was your McDonald's? No, I went to the liquor store. Oh. I went to the liquor store over there. That one's closed. And then I walked down all the way down to the end of the street. That one's open. What kind of booze did you get? Me? I got the cheap kind. Mad one's closed. And then I walked down all the way down to the end of the street. That one's open. What kind of booze did you get?

Me? I got the cheap kind. Mad Dog? No. Mad Dog? That sounds like an undercover cop would think that. Noah got Mad Dog. Isn't that from the 90s or something? He would do a bit with his purchase. Or be like, this is from the rap songs

I listen to on the bus. He would get 99 bananas Or be like, this is from the rap songs I listened to on the bus. He would get 99 bananas. He'd be like, I got 99 bananas. Yeah. But a bitch ain't one. Have you ever had Caribou Lou? No. Okay.

I knew a guy named Caribou Lou. Really? Yeah. Caribou Louis. That was an old boxer. You didn't know Caribou Louis. Oh, did you know him? He was an old boxer, yeah didn't know Caribou Lewis. Oh, did you know him? He was an old boxer, yeah.

He was in Kansas City. Okay. Well, thanks so much for joining us, Noah. Thank you so much for having me. Would you do me a favor? Before you blow it. Would you hand this to Mitch so Mitch can show people what I'm talking about? Yeah, come on, Mitch.

Do you want to do this? Shut up, Noah. Don't ask him what he wants. I asked you. You're doing staring at me. Do you want to do this? Shut up, Noah. Don't ask him what he wants. I asked you. You're doing me a favor. Oh, now, what if Noah had that big of a hog? That would be pretty sick. See?

Look, it makes sense. Look at that. It makes sense. Does it not make sense? Don't. Ah, they gave it up for him. I got tricked. That didn't make any sense.

They responded well to him. That was nice of them. I got tricked. smells better the aluminum can compared to his dicks just constantly being suffocated those two thighs are just pressing up against oh is that why you gave your dick a six in coolness you thought we were talking temperature in between those thighs because we were talking like fonzie cool yeah there we go all right six on the richter scale you digs the six on the andy richter scale it laughs at everything conan has to say whether it's funny or not oh you know uh speaking of which i just saw someone someone post that George Carlin had a short-lived sitcom. And on that sitcom was character actor Mike Haggerty, who just passed away.

He killed himself because he felt bad for tanking the George Carlin show. It was mostly on Mike. He didn't do a good job. He was phoning it in. And so rest in peace, George Carlin. Rest in peace, Mike Haggerty. Rest in peace, Mike Hammer from Final Fight, one of the OG big guy fighters in a side scroller.

He was in a few different video games. But, yeah, he was in Final Fight for sure, and I always picked him. He was a good character to have. He'd eat that turkey on the street in one bite. Anything to say before we go? Becker, you want to plug something other than your cool hair? This won't be out in time, but we're doing Broadcast Geeks tomorrow.

Oh, everybody's really excited. Episode 14,000. Yeah. We're going to see Doctor Strange. Do you want to come see dr strange with us tomorrow no i haven't seen anything in the marvel universe since like avengers 2 so i would be i'd be like who's that i would i'd be uh pretty fun i'd be like who's that who's that why is that guy so angry Why can that guy control metal with his mind? I hope Magneto's in it. No.

I heard it's fun. Sam Raimi directed it. That's cool. I used to like the old Spider-Mans. I saw those. Evil Dead, Army of Darkness, Give Me Some Sugar, Baby, Shop Smart, Shop S-Mart. All right. This is my boomstick.

Fuck yeah, you like Little Raimi. Yeah, my buddy Kevin and I used to watch those when we weren't getting molested by his uncle. We loved them. That's all we had. That's all we had to bounce back from the trauma was sweet, sweet Bruce Campbell saving us from the demons that exist in real life. But we made it out. I mean, Kevin didn't. He's in an insane asylum.

But I made it out, and that's the important thing. I've got a bunch of stickers. Did I give you some? Yeah, I got some. They're really nice stickers. I got stickers for sale, so hit me up if you want some stickers. Patreon.com slash Chubby Behemoth is the Patreon. $5 a month gets you access to all of our Patreon episodes.

Some of the best ones are on the Patreon. Some of the best ones are free. Did you sell the calendars? Yeah, calendars are gone. I could get some more. Mitch finally saw it, and he loved it last night. Oh, I was going to say I could get some more, but it's fucking almost the middle of May. We just got to do another one next year.

Yeah, same pictures? No, new pictures. No, no thanks. I'll put in the work. No, you won't. You don't do anything. I will. You hit start and stop.

I do more than that. You hit level eight. You hit publish. That's close. You do a great that. You hit level eight. You hit publish. That's close. You do a great job. No sponsored content yet, but take a blue shoe, sleep on a purple mattress, and eat a yellow banana. Huh?

What did you do? No, I said what? Pass. But it was a great suggestion. We appreciate you being in here, Mitch. We're going to get you a shirt that fits tomorrow for sure. I promise you that. Well, it bugs me i'm sorry you're not a wad you're not a wad we'll get you a jacket so that uh every shirt

fits when you have a jacket covering i think you should just open the shirt dump it out uh well yeah let's uh let's get out of here. That counts as an episode. Thank you guys for being in here. Thank you, Wally, for everything and nothing.