Chubby Behemoth - Chowder Flute

Episode Date: January 26, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Fill Up The Brita. Did I Bomb. Feeding The Weasel.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

and we're like are you guys just doing that and she was like yeah it's just they can't leave it like that we're like okay yeah do you want a hot chocolate or something you're you're doing a lot of labor for free out there yeah that's wild that they left it because that i mean that crosswalk in particular is is used by traffic and the fact that they took the sign out oh yeah like so they planned on plowing it poorly yeah they planned on they're like we got to move that sign we're going to put the pile right there hey sam welcome to crosswalk talk where jake and i talk about which crosswalks are cleared of snow and which aren't you guys are getting to the bottom of the heavy duty details of life in trinidad colorado yeah man now that hammer's dead no one's handling the crosswalks fuck man r.i.p hammer no

what was he some like uh industrious rapist who kept the sidewalks clean so you guys gave him a turn to blind eye yeah he was a wheelchair bound man who just loved to threaten every business and individual in town with lawsuits but if he was bound to his wheelchair how did he clear the sidewalks uh he didn't have like a rocket powered rascal and you guys just put a little scoop sled on the front of it pull the cord the kids will be home safe nos rascal no he he was uh very vocal about uh ada compliance and yeah uh sidewalks being clear walkways and whatnot and that was fine i can't remember what happened with him he like drove drunk and got himself paralyzed and then in jail for the drunk driving got his law degree it was something funny like that yeah like an actual degree yeah and then got run out of several small towns for

being such an annoying lawyer. I'm the only lawyer that gets paid in Newports, all right? Come on in. Office doors always open because I can't reach the doorknob. This chair is too low to the ground. I'm suing Ikea. I'm glad that you guys have a local deviance wheelchair-bound freaks down there that you guys can play against each other like pokemon he died oh see so now the universe has him now he's a gift to the greater good i don't know yeah now he's bugging satan about compliance law and fixing

fixing the torture chambers it's like uh i bump my head every time i get into the annihilator what what gives you know you guys keep sewing me into this horse uh my knees are pretty bent while i'm in there hey i'm grateful i can walk down here but at the same time it's like i'd like to be able to enjoy it a little bit more than i am when you got all these old old caves that need to be updated like come on japan does not care about the ada oh yeah but yeah because as soon as someone shows any signs of fealty or weakness they just fucking put them on an ice flow and shove them off into the sun it's like north that's how they deal with their old down there damn no way yeah it's because

because no one wants to be uh in a to encumber people's abilities to make money so yes they revere the elderly but also the elderly are kept in like a glass cube and you can put a quarter into a machine to get pellets to feed them like giraffes at the zoo mama's gonna fucking paralyze me she keeps laying down right behind me well if you weren't so dead set on standing up the whole time it wouldn't be an issue i'm not dead set it's just working i'm'm going with it. Maybe I'll stand up. Ready? Yeah, stand up. He's just going to be hanging, wang.

That was the plan. Let's see. I couldn't figure out how. I'd have to blank the screen and then stand up and then also do an onsen fluff job. Zoom has auto-pixelate, where if they sense genitals, they blur them. Yeah, but I don't think they would pixelate a pig's nose. I don't think that's built into the AI yet. No, the second hole confuses it.

That's right, yeah. I forgot about this last week, but last Monday, I think megan and i took the dogs up to monument lake and uh it was very windy so we didn't stay long but when we were there we were walking along the shore with the dogs this dude comes up there were a couple of work trucks that were driving around the the lake and uh i thought maybe they would tell us we had to leave or something but this dude comes up and he's like hey y'all uh if you want to fish, the other side of the lake is like way more open. There's a little part that's not frozen. You can go fishing.

And I was like, yeah, no, we just have our dogs. You know, we're just walking our dogs. You know, we don't have any like nets or anything with us to make him think we're there to fish. know we don't have any like nets or anything with us to make him think we're there to fish but he goes oh all right well yeah if you got your gear you can throw it in the back of my truck and i'll get you over there you know it's it's wide open over there you know it's like dude we have our dogs this is what we're doing stop putting your fishing agenda on us pal not everybody's here to fish maybe he thought you guys were going to go chuglin yeah i don't he didn't know about chuglin that the catfish yeah it's where you cover your

hand and dog food and then put it in a cash catfish hole and then the catfish bites you up to the wrist then he pull it out and then just whack it against rocks until it dies and falls off you and breach look like chuglers for sure he didn't meant he didn't mention chuglin he thought that we were he didn't he didn't want to be stepdad and stepson who were there to bond we had gear we just didn't have a way to get over to the other side of the water maybe he was using heroin slang if you want to you want to throw my gear in the truck and fix up i'll get you to the other side. Yeah, that is possible.

The other side is where we like to have our more metropolitan guests hang out. And you can hang out in a big comfy chair if you'd like. We've got some music. No, he didn't offer any beanbag chairs and if he offered what if he pulled out a beanbag shotgun and held it to your head he's like she's mine now and then instead of taking he takes the dog and then he's the dog in the bushes well this kind of worked out for the best mama was the worst of the two and he didn't make you baby annoying yeah creech is like that hurts my feeling that he was gonna take me you're like no no it's good it's good why would it be bad better the dog than a human right but humans are dogs the way i see

you should all be on leashes you should all eat out of the bowl you guys need to get another dog uh me no way dude we're free and lose man i might not i might be gone more this year than i am home that's what i'm trying to do because you hate your wife i know my wife's annoying me too no sick yeah we're gonna be out there just in the wind i'll send you guys postcards rather than that you're not gonna know where i am i'm gonna have a vpn that scrambles my podcast appearances all the lights off sunglasses on no promoting at all yeah just a big flat brimmed undertaker hat hello podcast listeners yeah you do the voice the voice scrambler for no reason it's like we wouldn't be able to tell where you are based on your voice. Maybe you could calibrate

the pitch off the walls in this cave. I'm in a cave. Damn it. I'm taking myself away. Emmy comes on. She's like, we're in Fresno. It sucks. Shut up. You love it. It's all the sunflower seed shells

you can eat. You go where the job takes you. This is what you signed up for when you became my bitch. It's like, Sam, I never signed on to become your bitch. I signed on to become your wife and partner. No, I remember the wedding certificate. It was modified. Yes, it did. become your wife and partner no i remember the wedding certificate it was modified yeah that's when you signed it what master blaster of ceremonies yeah i think so i definitely did something dumb i don't know if i did that because it was so long

i think only my dad got it and he was like this one guy's all right i was like dad i turned him on you've known him for like 10 years and he's like yeah yeah he's bobby's friend is that right i turned him on to being silly at uh public gatherings yes like oh weddings memorials you get a laugh all right all right i can get into that huh i can go around people's expectations my mom liked you and chris but boy does she hate bobby yeah bobby's a tough nut to crack yeah she'd be like you know she'd come to see us do shows and she'd be like now that nathan he's an a-plus fella i really like that you're so close to him and and then eventually she couldn't talk so she'd just say fat man and little boy she'd be like

fat man little boy she called sharpie little boy sharpie was the mustache gesture wasn't it yes yes little boy mustache little boy and she just called bobby straight up retardus all the time the latin form retardus maximus yeah she did after her stroke she's called called Bobby me in point of herself. You're saying he has the brain of a stroke victim. She'd be like, yes. She'd be like, see. She only spoke Spanish after her. Oi, a sumo fool.

Yeah, she always wanted sumo food. Which were just Cadbury cream eggs. But it was all scrambled up in there. Much like she did to the eggs. I miss her. I'm, I don't know. I'm excited to get out and about. Lund, you're off to Chicago here in a couple minutes.

Yeah, thanks for meeting at 8.30 a.m. Yeah, the plane is waiting outside. Their best. Yeah, I have been home. It's been nice to be home. I don't know. That's not what Creech says. The last time.

No, she loves it. She likes having me here. You liar. Because I do stuff stuff i fill up the brita water pitchers i do the dishes i feed the dogs damn you don't like you didn't say anything romantic or anything unique that no other man could do or even just like a well-trained boy do not do what i do and that's why they're single the britta yeah i'm being humorous she likes having me here and i don't know there's a lot of i'm telling you i do know i'm in her close friends on the stories on instagram and it's a lot of anti-lun propaganda

she's not a lun guy no no she loves it it's gonna, and I'm gonna get busy again. I've booked some stuff with you and, uh, without you. I'm excited to, uh, see you, but not this weekend,

this weekend, it's me and Byron Graham. Katie put on another pot of stew. Katie fetch me another glass of Montmartre. Katie, two more steaming cups of chowder. The chowder flutes need to be washed.

No photographs. Oh, and possible Eurist... No photographs. Cut off social media. Why aren't... Never mind. We might have Uris grace us

with his presence. Well, you're going to have to reinforce the stage for the three of you guys. We're not going to be on stage. Why would we all be on stage together? Fucking Lester's Big Pen presents London the Boys. Yuck. stage together fucking lester's big pen presents london the boys yuck how are you the smallest guy on that lineup i got to be small again

i don't know if you're still through the door come on whoa it's not nice police yourself please oh yeah well all cops are bad so i don't police myself you think it's you think a cab is all cops are bad another miss from the messaging department of antifa no it used to be all cops are bad and then i think it turned into all cops are bastards and goes both ways oh you were around for the first wave where it was all cops are bad yeah back when you were a fucking party line democrat and you were flying the frag for dukakis or whatever your first guy you could vote for i was throwing bricks through starbucks windows and marching on syracuse

all right i had more praxis than anyone else alive you You didn't know what you were fighting for. You just wanted to get laid by somebody with a shaved head. I wanted him to have the pumpkin spice frappuccino year round. And I said, until that happens, we're going to bring hell upon your doorstep. I'm going to be here stinking. I'm going to reek smelling. I'll be in that bathroom. Just fucking fill up, filling up chowder flutes left and right.

I'm Byron graham you sneak one into the glass case and somebody comes up to order and they're like yeah let me get a uh venti decaf and i guess a chowder flute. They're like, God damn it. Ah, Sam. That was me being the joker. Just create, sowing chaos and discord everywhere by planting chowder flutes and regional coffee chains. Yeah, man, I was out there. I was a little hell raiser. I had the very pillars of capitalism reeling and shaking i gave it all away i stepped back but yeah there was a lot of just like trying to bang girls that didn't wear bras and that's where they hung out those front lines yeah the march you're like what are we marching

for again um forced abortion they're like no the right to choose oh right to choose if you're like what are we marching for again um forced abortion they're like no the right to choose oh right to choose if you're forcing abortion on someone i'm into it right state deciding who can reproduce all right all right cool uh should i bring this vacuum attachment or leave it at home that'd be funny you just turn on a turn on a dust buster at a fucking abortion rally come here pay me in chowder flutes get over here where were you i remember like the whole antifa thing when it was first like the first time i heard about it was like probably 2006 uh like black block anarchism you know and they were like yeah

we all dress in black so no one can tell us apart it's like well i might be dressed the same as you but the body underneath the clothes doesn't look the same i'm pretty sure they're gonna get me there's no way i'm gonna be anonymous in this bunch of like five foot six people who have bad bone syndrome and then me the dog yeah uh one of them was a real man not a boy so there was a bunch of pods and then one big old stud and the stud was the one planting chowder flute so if we can bring him down we can rip the heart out of this whole organization uh where'd you go last weekend where did i go oh i went to uh i went to milwaukee and then west bend wisconsin oh yeah big theater and uh what was in a wiffle ball field wiffle ball field i didn't go seek auditorium yes it was very fun the football show was very fun it sold out

milwaukee loves sam t and to a lesser degree nathan lund a couple people were like where's lund just kidding and then we high five um yeah aj grill was on the show before me oh dude you know elijah holbrook that long-haired kid remember hosted for us at the top yeah and then you like bullied him at a taco truck no he didn't make sense no he tried to get me he tried to do the thing where he was like oh sam makes fun of lun so i'll blast his ass and i was like i shut it down yeah you did you facepalmed him into the mud i'm a 40 year old man i made him flinch i forget that you're an old bastard sometimes no you don't put the screws to a boy you always remember and i'm five years older than you so guess what you're old too oh no 22 year old we're both old as hell no gross people don't

know my age i'm kind of like timeless yeah uh-huh except for this gray beard everyone's like good god i've only heard him on a podcast he looks 40 years older than i thought he would be you look older than me shut up i do not dude you're little you're a little smusho no i got a neck i got a neck under here oh i got a neck too look at this hello everyone cool neck hey vampires step up to the plate everybody eats tonight i got so much blood in my body i'd be like a gusher to them i'd be like a little soup dumpling it would slurp me but yeah the baseball field was fun but elijah holbrook uh aj grills on stage and like there's a whole you know there's like an

electric scoreboard behind the stage and there's one of those um nine inning boards where you hang the runs on them you know yeah yeah score of the game because i'm like i'm gonna have them i'm gonna have a meal of this there's there's fucking 20 minutes it's me dicking around with all that stuff so i go up to the guys running the show and i'm like hey can how do we work the scoreboard or the controls up there and he's like yeah hold on and he grabs the guy who works at the brewery and he's like hey man uh you work on that scoreboard would be a massive undertaking we'd have to wake up jeremy i was like what he's like yeah there's one guy who knows how to work it he's asleep upstairs and i was like okay well god forbid we wake up jeremy so i can have a little fun uh so yeah aj goes on stage and he's like doing okay it's a bunch of

new stuff but he just started he just like hangs one of the numbers on the board and he's like hey square one for me like nothing good or creative or funny you know he just does it and i'm like fuck and then elijah comes up to me and it it says, you know, balls, strikes, out. And Elijah, he's like, hey, man, check this out. See that scoreboard? Balls, out. He nods like he just handed me the keys to the castle. Oh, it was for you.

Yes. He's like, yeah, check this out. Hey, you brought the glove there? Balls, out. the castle oh it was for you yes he's like yeah check this out hey you're about to go up there balls out put your hand over the word strength it's like dude it's 10 feet in the air how am i gonna make this work i was he was i laughed so hard when i realized that he was trying to like feed me some juice by telling me balls out as if that was gonna fucking level the roof of this place opener and closer yeah i just stared at him and shook my head and laughed and he was deeply ashamed there were some lund guys in the house a lot of t-dogs But then we went over to fucking West Bend, Wisconsin at the Bend Theater, which is like a 300 seat nonprofit theater.

Barely hanging on. They did not like old T-dog. That's for sure. Yeah. There was a bunch of old people who just get free tickets to all the shows because they're like patrons. And then there were some young people who were stoked. Like there was a guy wearing a chubby b shirt you know people had me sign the book but then just a bunch of like old furious people

it's like it's like seething with rage a bunch of 40 year olds hating your youthful exuberance yeah exactly a bunch of 42 year olds who were like, God, I remember those days. This fucking punk doesn't know the real world. 26 years old. Got the cat by the tail. Look at him up there. He's gorgeous. They're beautiful. Angry at your youth.

Yeah. Angry at the life you have left to live. AJ was supposed to do 15 and he was bombing. Like, I love AJ. he's a very good comedian but he is very funny he took it on the chin hard at this show because they were that many olds the olds were shushing and dominating the youth the youngs they might have been so dumb that they were pissed at aj because the guy introduced him as from iowa this guy craig was like this guy's from iowa and like i think that

that might have like scalded their cream because they were all wisconsin wisconsinites aj's up there like just eating it chris higgins is featuring and i'm like he's going long right and he's like yeah and i was like he must not have seen the light because there's no way he would go long right now yeah he would bail as soon as he got that light he would fucking you know it was jump off the stage as if there was a live grenade and he was trying to save our lives so he gets off he does like 27 minutes instead of 15 and he's like oh and i'm like yeah yeah yep you know you can't console someone what are you supposed to say like at least you went at least you went long at least you did double the amount of time yeah so he sits there for like seven minutes and then as higgins is on stage aj comes up to me

grabs me by the shoulder and he says did i bomb yeah for sure yes yeah dog of course who cares big deal yeah baby and the guy who runs the show comes over and he's like aj uh and he's like hey i'm so sorry i went long he's like it's okay you were on a roll and i laughed really hard this guy doesn't know shit about fuck what are you talking about craig you were on a hot streak man you can't you can't put down the hammer when it's fucking heated up yeah you can't cool off a hot boy i get it man well you had him in the palm of your hand i would imagine he did did he say anything

about trying to like for the sake of you or chris or the show he's trying to get one laugh no no he just didn't see the light because they were lighting people with a uh with like a cone wand like one of those things you would use to signal an airplane to the runway yeah oh what that's yeah they're lighting people yeah with a cone wand from like the balcony oh yeah too far away yeah and they were like oh we opened up the balcony sold a lot tickets it's gonna be good before we're going on stage this craig guy is like yeah you know if you want to go long you can and i was like okay i might do an hour instead of 45 and he's like no i'm telling you people people go long on this stage they have a lot of fun we had a guy

over tommy davidson did an hour and 55 minutes right. The guy last week, Kevin Bozeman did two hours. Hell, Lori Kilmartin said she was going to do 45. She did an hour and 20 minutes. They're the best. And I'm like, oh, this will be fun. Then AJ bombs. Chris kind of gets them. I go out there and try and make fun of AJ.

I'm like, man, you guys hated AJ. Nothing. Nothing. They don't say anything. And I was like, yeah, remember AJ from the house? You guys didn't like him. And some woman yelled out, no, we didn't. We did like him.

And I was like, okay. We just didn't show it. Yeah, yeah. We're Wisconsin nice. You don't get it. I tried to riff on the ice sculptures outside. They didn't want anything to do with that. Leave them alone.

Yeah, they're beautiful. They didn't want anything to do with that. Leave them alone. Yeah, they're beautiful. Temporary art is the best art because the artist knows it's fleeting, but he does it anyway. It's for love of the game. It's our version of sand painting.

So, yeah, I mean, I still did an hour and five minutes, but it wasn't because I was loving every minute of it. It wasn't because you were in the zone. Yeah, it wasn't because I was on a roll. I wasn't giving him that Kill Martin stuff, you know? Hey, Dave, it's two hours. Yeah. Talk about heaven on earth.

I hit up Tom Takara and I was like, hey, did you do this gig in West Bend? And he was like, yes, if you're about to, don't. Well, I just did it, Tom. Skip it. Yeah. But thank you to Judd and all the people who came out uh especially those old people who left sporadically throughout my set that was fun i think peter down i think we're getting a little maybe i'm getting a little uh spoiled because

people who come to the shows i do are like have a good comedy vocabulary they're like nerds or fans of stuff that i've been on or done sure you know just to do like an old-fashioned uh mouth breathing you know retard roundup paint fume alley the lead paint belt where everybody's a little slow and you really need to ramp up the enthusiasm and facial expression so they know that you're a friend and not an enemy yeah you have to go up there with a horn like you're on a bicycle come to west bend where everyone drowned for 45 seconds

listen buddy you're gonna want to fall on the way up so that they know that you're here to have a good time yeah and then when you uh when you when you go to grab the mic uh take the cord out and try and slurp it like spaghetti yeah i like the black spaghetti bit do the do the thing where you go to take a big drink and you miss your mouth so that a bunch of it gets on your shirt that's a good one in fact don't even just miss your mouth put it up to your mouth and then pull out your elastic waistband pants and pour the beer directly on that one always does well over here call it call it feeding the weasel that's a big thing that'll get you into hour two of your set yeah yeah no it it does suck uh when yeah you're supposed to be super funny to somebody who doesn't really know what their sense of humor is let alone the other options out there that's i

mean hey i might i might have just bombed i don't know i don't think i did because there were young people who bought t-shirts and they were like that was great yeah no your shit is good and when people don't like it they're bad they're dumb who knows it was fun to to be right and they had to fight it out you know to get that victory show of hands how many people here have uh had a horse kick them in the head in their youth or teenage years how many people here are suffering from a brain parasite from a cc's pizza buffet sir you're sitting in your chair backwards i have a feeling that you were supposed to raise your hand just now sir you're wearing your chair as a hat do you want to it's not raining in here oh it's because that guy behind you keeps coughing skittles on your head you think it's

hailing were there a lot of people yeah there was like 250 people there okay i didn't know if it's always funny when there's it's like open seating in a big space and so you have like 35 people and some of them are on the balcony and some of them are in the back of the first floor and dude i did a show in mississippi one time fuck i can't remember the name of it it's on the west side of mississippi and it was like their oldest theater and they were trying to bring comedy back to it this guy richard lockhart who you're gonna you remember richard lockhart in tuscaloosa yeah yeah yeah yeah like if a possum managed a hot topic that's what he looks like he's got like a fart dirsh situation a little raccoon with a microphone yeah love richard i'm glad we'll see him in tuscaloosa in a couple weeks that'll be nice yeah but uh he took me over to the fucking like i think it was called the princess

theater lunges whiffed his pit why doesn't care didn't even do the fake scratch just straight up snorted his own odors i wanted to know if i reek or not i think you do you do i can tell this just in i'm four hours away going 80 miles an hour. You reek. Becker's checking. Becker's doing it too. You guys are so gross. Now I'm curious.

You are a curious specimen, that's for sure. Sorry. Back to your story, please. Wish there was a bigger microscope. I could put you both on slides. So I'm doing this show and it's a a big room and i did i did the show the year before but in like the little bar area and it was packed and it was fun but he's like hey we're gonna move you into the theater man it's gonna be big right we're gonna move you

we're gonna move you into the theater it's gonna be a hoot and a holler all right richard so the woman who hosted has done stand-up four times and the feature has done stand-up twice and he's the boyfriend of the lady hosting oh god so what's lockhart doing just counting cash i don't think lockhart was at the show i think he just sent me in okay yeah he was like my cut man in the corner he was dangling he's a string he's in tuscaloosa so yeah not allowed to leave he was actually keeping the curtains open they used him as a sandbag tied him to a rope drop him in a pit uh did you know the the host the host and features uh credentials before the show no i did not yeah i found out because the host did three minutes and the feature did four so it's a 90 minute show and it's a giant room like a giant room on the bottom you know some theaters are like small on the bottom and big on the balcony yeah well this was theater all the way to the back and then a balcony equally as big on top

and there were 11 people in this room a bit like 600 and they weren't all sitting in the front row there were there wasn't any order to how they were seated so wherever you want folks you paid a ticket yeah you bought your tickets and uh the theater they're gonna have to fucking commit arson fraud to get the check for this one because it was a big payday so i go up there after you know seven minutes of comedy seven minutes in heaven an hour and 23 for eight people who were all seated 50 feet away from each other it was one of those situations where i got i did like my all the shit that i had and i was like okay that's got to be an hour you know now i can just coast with crowd work i did like everything i had it was like 32 minutes because

there was no laughs yeah there was no momentum or steam to be built you yeah you didn't have any time to do yeah i checked my worm holy shit this show's only been going for 40 minutes total so yeah then i was just like hey why aren't you sitting up there they're like my legs don't work okay hey uh hey look at you two does your dad know you're dating her huh my dad's in jail for killing my mother all right uh what's up with boiled peanuts they're the best yeah they support our entire economy when uh when was this i don't know five or six years ago yeah that was that was a fucking hellish situation oh so many of those

oriental theater shows easy were like that 2012 2013 oh yeah there'd just be like 30 people and it's like i don't get it we have 15 comics on the show why isn't why isn't anybody a draw and i think we do a lot of shows not everybody comes yeah there's 15 comics on the show and we gave each of you 50 tickets to give away why are there 13 people here one of my friends the andy jewett experience god bless him we're bringing out josh fadum he'll draw josh fadum will pack the oriental theater we got a lot of people that love amc so they saw him on breaking bad yeah they definitely knew his name when they saw him too so it'll be good joshy do you remember fadum did his talk show with jim johnny pemberton and pemberton is doing like

you know some character the whole time yeah the trucker guy yeah i had a good time you hated it well i thought it was a little affected um but it was funny because they're trying to riff and interrupt people and dr kev was on that show and he just went out and uh he did a lot of whatever do a doctor do a dr kev joke uh i can't think of any well okay he only did our show every night i can't think of any. Okay. He only did our show every night for six years. Well, I could just think of any old street joke. A Polish guy walks into a bar and he's like, hey, you guys hiring? The guy behind the bar says, you're a horse.

You got to get out of here. You don't have ID. That's a Dr. Kev joke. It's not. Yes, it is. That's slander he crushes oh my god anyway so yeah dr kev goes out and he does like the oh yeah just uh had to pull my arm out of a horse uh and i was also had to go to work or whatever and fade him and dicker troy try to hit him with like their post-modern like wow you know and like they interrupt him and instead of riffing with them dr kev just looks at him and then goes into another bit for 12 minutes now tell us more about this horse and he just

another thing about dating when you're older he was not having it he wanted to fucking beat them into the ground like post holes oh the oriental we've had a lot of fun there yeah i'm gonna go back for the next lucha libre and laughs i miss it it's the first week of april right? April 7th is the next one. And then in June, it's a two-night, 10-year anniversary, which is wild. Because I remember when Nick asked me and you about starting a show that has wrestling and comedy at the Oriental Theater. And I was like, oh, great. Everybody loves making that trip. It used to feel so far away. I guess because we didn't have cars.

We were hitchhiking. We had to hop so far away. I guess because we didn't have cars. So anything. We had to hop trains over there. Anything that wasn't downtown or like right near downtown felt like another planet. And so I'm going to be at that June one with Lund. Both nights. Both nights, man. I'm there. What'd you have to cancel?

Well, nothing. reschedule luckily gossard told me like hey if you're not at the 10 year he told me like eight months ago he's like if you're not at the 10 year it's this date i'm gonna kill you no that's fair that's how you book a show all right gossard maybe uh pay me more than uh two nickels i have to rub together to make heat you know that'd be okay we dangled them off the balcony of the oriental we got we got paid i've never been paid nor have i ever been laid from that show yeah i want to take the uh i want to take the power back because we've missed a few of those shows and i don't want people to forget we are the ogs. Oh, I don't care at all.

I feel like that's not our legacy, London. I feel like we're going to build bigger things. You do care. I'm not saying it's our... Making fun of rat tails at the show. It's not our whole thing, but damn it, I'm glad that it's still going strong. It's still real to you, damn it. Sold out.

Yeah. Also, I've been watching old wrestling, and Gorilla Mon and bobby the brain heenan are so funny together and i feel like we we make them proud they smile down upon us have you seen the one from the heavens it's uh fuck what's his name oh you know gene mean gene yeah you've seen the clip where it's mean gene and sergeant slaughter Slaughter's like totally like you know spitting fire about the Iron Sheik and Mean Gene standing there and Slaughter's like

and when I come to Tulsa Sheik we're gonna have to peel you off the train tracks cause I'm gonna really bust a hole in ya and Mean Gene starts laughing he's like covers up his mouth and then slaughter's like yeah and if you think that you're gonna have an easy time over there

you're you got something else coming and then the camera just zooms away from gene on to sergeant slaughter's face because gene's losing it yeah because gene hands on the microphone just walks away it zooms out in uh and gene's standing there with his hands like he's praying over his mouth so yeah then slaughter's like get together buster what are you laughing about i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and then he's like we're gonna bring the troops home and then they both start laughing. There's some good outtakes. Yeah.

I'm guessing that's on Instagram. I think someone sent it to me. I appreciate the good stuff that people send us, but I really hate the gross stuff people send. Yeah, the freaks. Check out this guy and it's like oh god it's like this guy nutted in his underwear for a year straight and this is what grew

this is not how you make friends we're not on the we're not on the bus to jail all right we're two strangers online check out check out this cyst and like no this is you this is what you look like it's just a boil growing on the tip of someone's dick oh god it's you uh i i can't remember when it was but there was there was a time when i think maybe when rick flair won the royal rumble uh afterwards he and mr perfect and bobby heenan were all like celebrating backstage and mean gene was trying to interview him and he just goes to somebody off camera put that cigarette out oh yeah it was so funny like i bet it wasn't real he just like was able to

paint a picture of like celebratory chaos no i think it was b Nobbs. Smoking a cig? Yeah, he was a nasty boy. He liked to have a couple. In the arena. Hey, listen to this. Guess how many beers I drank this weekend in Milwaukee. Zero. No, I'm not a bitch. But guess how many I had total over 48 hours.

Four. Fifty. Six. Six. Six. And I had a show at a brewery the first night and i had two beers there and then i went to a bar afterward for like two and a half hours and nursed one beer there and then the next day aj grill we went to that public market that we love so much to watch the football game by the way sorry about that my home's over rushing jesus christ yeah it yeah it probably would have hit if uh he hadn't tweaked his shit his anky didn't ruin his career his anky bone

yeah i was excited because the first half was looking the chiefs were up kelsey scored so i was like all right away yep lawrence is gonna keep throwing that thing and now we just need and the Jags defense was getting pressure on every other quarterback they didn't really get to Mahomes too much to make them scramble it was funny when Mahomes was hurt and then the camera found Chad Henney and he like

looked up like he just realized it what no no no one wanted to go in that game less than Chadad henny patrick ramones is the face but homes is the fucking face of the league and henny's been playing since he's a 15 year vet he like looked up from his switch and they're like he puts his helmet on backward he's got one shoe on yeah that was he's got a lobster bib on it's like yeah he's cracking claws over there

fuck yeah but aj bought me a giant bloody mary and i didn't drink it even though it looked quite tasty and then uh that's rude of you well it was i know it was 17 but luckily i bought his his wife a bottle of wine before that, so I didn't feel like I had to drink it. Wait, did we? I don't know if we went to the Milwaukee market, did we? Yeah, we did. Remember upstairs? We sat upstairs.

Everyone pointed at you. It was April. Yeah, I was thinking of Cincinnati, but yeah, we like to hit up the big old-timey public markets wherever we go yeah but yeah i really reined it in it's really hard to not drink a million beers in milwaukee especially because like i was hanging out in a bar with everyone it was dana erman's birthday on saturday night so it was like every milwaukee comedian was there

i played fucking shuffle what's the one where that's the table and there's a bunch of sand on it and you like throw the puck down i used to have it at the squire i think that's what i used to call it sand scoot i was like who's playing sand scoot back there i don't know if there's a modifier to to uh differentiate it from actual shuffleboard but i think it's just still called shuffleboard becca you know what i'm talking about yeah i don't know what it's called though sandy scooty puck time yeah well hey will you be my partner in a game of sand scoot and i was like dana nothing would give me more joy than to partner up with you but then it takes two and a half hours

that's a good way not to have to drink beers when david lewis is trying to fucking blow a harmonica full of rum in your mouth is uh play sansky play a bar game that no one likes and it takes too long uh yeah no it's uh good job i'm glad that you i don't know if you wanted to have zero and you had six but you should feel good i mean i did want to have zero but that's okay you know you're just one man just one man with a whole city pulling at your fucking apron have one have one with me have a beer with me remember that thing you said about me tugging on your sleeve sammy have a cold one you're not really wrong you're not exaggerating no by much yeah that is real drink a beer i've had that comics i can't think of the most recent example there are definitely times where people would act like disappointed in me for not having

one and it's like how about we still talk but you drink whatever you're you drink a beer and i'll drink whatever the fuck a club soda and we'll still talk and hang out like man it's not the same shut up come on it's just wine you had a terrible problem that was that was always yeah i don't feel like having a bunch and then not being able to get hard in a fucking ditch yeah in a parking lot featuring for Elliot Woolsey. No, we were co-headlines. No, he was opening for me. I think he was featuring. That's what you take offense to. Not the fact that you soft-boiled some girl in a ditch.

The fact that I say he was featuring. Well, I want you to get your facts straight. I am. I know yeah man yeah we really tore it up playing rummy in the hotel rooms and listening to every weezer album in the car we were trouble man i mean we were the second trouble man worth a couple hundred were we mona vista we're in pagosa springs and mona vista pagosa springs has that sign that says deepest hot springs in in the world or something that's like yeah i definitely want that shit water to cover mine i don't i don't need a little bit of it so that it doesn't smell completely awful i want a whole lot of it oh yeah pagosa's got the sulfur

water right yeah the natural hot springs they're all sulfur and they smell like your breath smells like becker's pits yeah yeah it's a funny thing to claim we put is this a patreon or a free one it's kind of up in the air still we haven't said anything too inflammatory okay well i will say we added tears to our patreon so we had goals we had goals so uh when we get to where we're like we're just chomping at the bit we're close to 400 we get to 400 we're going to do a nasty mukbang where the the patrons choose what we eat uh and we'll film it all we'll put it up there so you guys can i guess get hard and fucking watch us eat i don't know what the thing is there i don't know if there's a sexual component but maybe for some i think i think it's the control i think it's hey there i chose what

they put in their body and they're doing it uh are we gonna get together for that or is it gonna have to be so we'll do we'll do a rodeo roundup we'll do a shibuya roll call face to face i guess we'll be together regularly enough yeah yeah hopefully i mean who knows you're moving on you're headlining the comedy cabin i'm not yeah fuck yeah i'm in there uh mere foreclosures kurt metzger tore the house down yeah that's a good comic man he's a good live comic okay yeah it's weird um so yeah i watched him bomb join up everyone join up so we can uh elevate ourselves ascend through the ranks of patreon that's patreon.com slash showy behemoth five dollars a month gets you a free episode every week where and hey you know if we get to 500 we're

gonna get bako tattoos is that 500 i figured that might be a little higher no no i mean the highest tier so far is a thousand and when we hit a thousand uh patrons a month I will put my pronouns in my bio. You made that the tough one to reach because you're magnified. I guess I would be scared if I were you. You're going to get ameliorated. Very good, yes.

Are we shaving our heads at 750? 750, we all shave our heads. I don't know if that's fair to me because I'm not balding. Yeah, exactly. Yours will grow back, dipshit. I don't know if that's fair to me because i'm not balding yeah exactly yours will grow back dipshit yeah i don't know if it's better a month later i don't know if it will i'm yeah well you just shaved your head i saw 40 and a half like a month ago where you had a shaved head remember shaved head was uh ums 2020 yeah when you quickly got lice when i saw that i was like oh god because uh you could see there wasn't a lot of uh hair left in the what do you call the the widow's no the sides here the signs

yeah yeah it went back pretty far the duke's divots it scared me the horseshoe the horseshoe yeah it scared me because uh it doesn't it really it has to grow out to cover the the shame fine you'll be no i'm scared but you put your pronouns in your bio no i don't need to be performative everyone knows i'm an ally 1200 i don't need gbp i'm gonna suck my own dick that's right i can do it i choose not to but i will well he's doing it he's giving his mouthful yeah a little preview for the boys i just saw somebody say god i think it was like third hand tweet or something but it was something about how a guy knew someone who could blow themselves and that they it wasn't great because it felt more like sucking a dick yeah than it did getting your dick sucked correct that's what everyone says everyone in the subreddit that you're a

moderator of yeah r slash self suck. Yum yum. The truth about sucking your own D. We can do it, but we don't want to. It sucks. Spoiler alert. I think it's more of a flexibility issue than it is anything else. Yeah, we've talked about it. It is. But then it's also just weird, I think.

Like, just jack off. What, to dip your own bag? I think it's kind of cool. It's taking the power back. That's Like, just jack off. What, to dip your own back? I think it's kind of cool. It's taking the power back. That's what the Q stands for. That's questioning. The question is, can I suck my own dick? And the A is answer.

Yes, I can. And the plus is, it is a plus. I can do it. I can get in there he's a pro, cool what are you doing to your body over there buddy you've got like a scythe yeah I'm using a theracane

because my shoulder was locking up while we were recording oh no do you have a guest over Becker yeah my buddy Matt's at my house oh okay I thought you had a lover, a little concubine in there. You didn't want us to hear her giggle. No, full-grown fella.

He looks like a Henry Cavill stunt double. Whoa. Tell the folks at home who Henry Cavill is. Superman. Superman. Oh, yes. You mean... Matt looks like a real discount Henryry cavill gross i just ate

come on come on buddy yeah where does he live uh denver he used to work at denver relief with me and kim wow those were the days when there was one hot bud tender and a couple of turds i'd go in there i'd be like i'm gonna wait for kim and then she would stack her phone books and hot bud tender and a couple of turds. I'd go in there. I'd be like, I'm on my way for Kim. And then she would stack her phone books and step up on them. Mugweed with me. Hey, I'm Lund, sister.

I'm the Lund. It's me. I'm girl Lund. That was cool. Man, I miss smoking weed. I've been on the spherex pods i didn't smoke weed for like all of the time like three weeks off and then i came home from milwaukee and me and old uh dump truck richardson went straight to the weed store and i spent like 300 bucks and i was so high on sunday dude why yeah why'd you why'd you get so much stuff well because it was if you it was buy one pod get 50 off a second pod and you get a free uh pax pen gotcha yeah so it was like you know i had to do it because i lost my pax pen

before i went to tokyo do i have it i probably oh yeah you have it i also have your mexican boner pills you've got a mexican xanax in my lateral yes i've been chomping them i'm fine i'm gonna be okay yeah i gotta remember to bring those to birmingham yeah bring a whole bunch of drugs to alabama for me please fuck yeah but uh yeah so i just spent sunday man just just reduced to a pile of giggling goo that's fun everything pat would say i'd go it was either like it was like i would nod like it was profound like whoa or i would be like oh man that's right that's that shit man that was me eating edibles sucking my pen giggling at pat it was a good day of football also losing money i'm glad to say that uh i'm

not glad to say but i'm so sad the bill's lost oh no bummer uh yeah a bunch of people aren't going to be able to be super annoying and have no personality for a while oh shut up i mean those fans are the worst are they yeah they live in fucking turtle town their entire life just smelling the aquarium then all of a sudden they luck out and get a giant freak from wyoming to play on their team and they're like yes we've always been the best we're the only city that matters in new york like guys please please figure out something cool to care about i'm sorry ben verbeck i know you're gonna go back to uh hitting your teenage girlfriend now but uh have you guys done a fucking wellness check on Pysher did he buy a real sturdy rope and a really heavy stool

he said he is okay but he needs something to occupy his time for the next six months or whatever and he said maybe he's gonna finally get into wrestling so you know I heard model trains but but we'll see. Jesus Christ.

Oh, God. Trains. All right. Oh, boy. I mean, that's the only thing that is going to get him less pussy than being a Bills fan. You know, tiny train terror. Hey, check this out. Josh Allen going to work on a train

it goes right into the stadium shoot shoot touchdown in my model train set is there's no lights that flash there's no strobes so everyone's safe and everyone can have fun on the train no one's gonna have a seizure on their way to the ball. In Tiny Town, the Bills are still in the playoffs, and they're looking good. In Tiny Town, I'm the tight end and the cornerback. I play both ways every down.

Look at me go. Excuse me while I cue. The helmet fits. Sorry, what did you say? No, nothing. You said the helmet fits thing. That was good. Thank you.

Yes, it's all good. We're really doing it over here, man. I'm about to shit my pants. Oh, shit. No wonder you're standing up. It backfired. We got three minutes. No, we don't.

I have two. It backfired. We got three minutes. No, we don't. I have two. The timer just started counting down. Bingo. Jones.

Let's see. Well, I'm going to plug some dates then, if that's what we got to do. Hey. I got to plug something. This Saturday, January 28th, the Punchline San Francisco for Sketch Fest. Co-headlininglining with somebody who are you co-headlining with it's not a knock on them just say who it is i don't remember who it is oh come on come off it i think her name is jenny yang i'm gonna check that's right now there you go so yeah that could be cool um yes it's me and the illustrious jenny yang co-headlining so i'm sure she'll be able to follow me um i mean i bet she's lovely but i mean god if i'm spurned and you got

to go up second oh boy you're gonna flip a coin i'm gonna flip a table is there one show is there only one fans are gonna jump through it because they didn't win table. Is there only one show? Those fans are going to jump through it because they didn't win the Super Bowl. Is there one show? There's two shows. So one of them on Saturday. One of them I'll go second. One of them I'll go first. Yeah.

It'll be good. No one will be pissed. Oh yeah, if you're asking about the show in LA, it was a don't tell show. It's actually in Santa Barbara, which is cool. So I won't see any of my friends who live two hours away in L.A. Santa Barbara got washed away in the storm. Santa Barbara. I love that.

Love that Everclear song. The second, me and London are going to be in Birmingham at Saturn with old Wes Van Horn. That'll be fun. The third, Tuscaloosa at Black Warrior Brewing. The fourth of February, Pensacola at Vinyl. That's going to be a fun show. Wichita at Vorschays. The ninth of February.

The tenth, I'll be in Tulsa somewhere. The eleventh, Oklahoma City, also somewhere. Is that James Neame? No, James Neame was like Do you want to come do my show? And I was like, yeah And he's like, I will pay you $75 And I blocked him or something

I'm doing it in June Oh, nice, man I gotta talk to you about Tulsa so I can do Tulsa Okay Fargo Comedy Cellar The 24th and 25th Just added Grand Rap grand rapid the 3rd of march the 4th in ann arbor toronto uh vermont comedy club oh union hall brooklyn march 30th well that's pretty cool please buy tickets to that so i can have a second show samtalent.com lund tell them where you're gonna be i'll be in the bathroom for a couple hours that's what i'll be doing i'll be doing dishes now the uh

lincoln launch the uh special recording is friday the 27th i'm also doing two shows on saturday the 28th at the lincoln launch dude how funny would it be if i bought all the tickets for your recording you know you can't get all of them no one was there you could get a lot of them yeah the trump special you buy the tickets and don't go yes that'd be sick that would be nuts i could focus on the material instead of doing proud yeah the back of... Make everybody sit in the back of the room. I just get a bunch of Byron impersonators in there. They go, Excelsior!

Yeah, that's a good hubris moment. Very insightful, Chapman. Yes, I'm telling it like it used to be and will be again. When gentlemen were still allowed on the airplane. When women were seen and not heard.

They were bent over the sink, pickling corn. What? I'll be in Colorado Springs March 25th doing a Russell Keller joint, Pikes Punks. Got A.J. Finney coming down here to trinidad february 24th jono zalay's coming through uh march 30th both of those are at the well tap room uh go to samtalent.com and see where else i'll be no i'm gonna go to san diego with you san diego that got moved dude i know i'm not soaked on it uh what they had to bump you for jenny yang yeah no they pumped me

for something he's like i got an amazing opportunity and i have to move your dates so i'm sure it's like one of the wayans brothers or something oh i want to see who it is yeah me too i'll, you keep talking. Where else? I got really rocking back and forth. You got to leave real turd. You got a real turd boiling up in you, don't you, boy? Join the Patreon.

That'd be cool. Thank you for doing that right now. Literally, go do it. Go fucking do it. Who is it going to be? Comedy cabin is May 19th and 20th. That's a ways out. You got time to get your tickets for that. Who the hell is it going to be?

Let's see. They didn't announce yet. Who replaced me at the mic drop comedy club? What the hell is this it's me who the fuck is this they dumped you for me who's roast wars at mic drop what the fuck is roast wars oh god another iteration of the comedy roast battle What the fuck is this? Generic offshoot. Max Amini, Andrew Slater in the black outside comedy show. What the fuck is going on? I got bummed for this bullshit. What the fuck?

Oh, my God. San Diego knows what it wants, and it's not you. It's roast battle. Can't call it a roast battle that's trademarked max amini who's max amini oh my is it iranian american director what the fuck oh i'm gonna have to go sergeant slaughter on this ass i've never heard of this person well san diego has and they chose on netflix's real rob with rob schneider and minded mencia oh yeah god that guy's rules patrick load up the shotgun and start the car we're going to dog beach

this is gonna be like a deleted scene from american history acts oh god deleted scene yeah it was too much for me yeah they kept in a lot of stuff what the fuck all right i'm out of here nation lund guys becker backers thank you chubby behemoth patreon.com slash the aforementioned title join up make us eat a bunch of weird bugs