Chubby Behemoth - Christmas Tooth

Episode Date: December 13, 2021

Nathan's Pretty Shirt. There's Our Motive. ABAC. Janae Burris.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Good morning. Morning. What time is it? It's morning for us. Yeah, it's morning enough. You smoking in the house, Jake? Yep. Yes.

That's becoming a recurring thing. I was going to say, do you listen to the podcast or was that just original? I heard an episode or two. Okay. Is that what everybody says? original I heard an episode or two okay is that what everybody says? it's what the last like three people have said it's the you know

the guests are seeing it for the first time me and Sam are more used to it it's very 1960s people don't do that no more yeah they go outside and freeze or have to mute their mic this is easier do you live alone yeah now uh before we start janae can we talk about your big news or would you rather not i obviously up to you we could talk about. It's about to be my life.

I'd love to be able to make some awful jokes. It was my main thinking, but again, yeah, I wanted to make sure that you didn't mind. But yeah, Janae is going to have

a baby. Congratulations! Thanks. That you didn't mind. But yeah, Janae is going to have a baby. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks. Yeah, that's, you can talk about it. I got to explain why I can't stop eating. I just can't stop eating. It's insane.

So I'm eating right now, guys. Disgusting. I hate to hear people eating on podcasts. I hate mouth noises on podcasts, too. Forgive me. Mercy might be listening. Mercy Goldman is a fan of the show. Yeah, isn't that fun?

I thought that was great when she was like, I love Chubby Behemoth. I was like, oh, shit. I'll bet Josh hates having to listen to me and Sam more than he already did in his home, in his car. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Chubby Behemoth, the podcast that we just started right now. I'm Nathan Lund. And, of course, Sam Talent is in The Hague in Europe. He's been arrested for crimes both past and future.

uh in europe he's been arrested for crimes both past and future they know why he's over there and they stopped him just in the nick of time before tragedy struck but uh in the meantime i've had fun with some uh great guests you heard noah reynolds not blow it uh earlier uh in the in the month and then uh stephen aj and i did a patreon episode that was great and now i'm joined with a returning guest one of my favorite people in the whole wide world uh janae burris welcome back and thank you for joining me and becker thanks for having me are you gonna eat that crust are you gonna leave it it's gluten-free bread so it's like oh wait actually i had some because of salmon it's not as bad as i remember it being i think it's gluten-free bread so it's like oh wait actually i had some because of salmon it's not as bad as i remember it being i think it's gotten better right which brand you get and how you cook

it um yeah david made breakfast he did a great job he only toasted one side i toast both sides which has been disgusting i put butter on it when he toasts like he did something good to this this is not good it's not good yeah i remember having same thing with uh with like uh fake meat like morning star 10 or not even 10 years 15 years ago was garbage it was so awful uh i had a roommate that was vegetarian and i tried some of that stuff and i was like oh i'll never eat this but uh same thing with the gluten-free bread there has been there have been uh advancements made you know research and development has paid off and uh yeah the last probably right yeah uh there was uh whatever sam you know sam puts gluten-free bread in or like

keto bread in his in his hat and then goes into a diner and then sneaks it onto the plate when his food comes out and i tried some and it was way better than i thought it was going to be i thought uh i was going to ask him why like why even bother if you can't have good bread, just don't have any, but it's way better now. It does feel like that. Like I stopped eating pasta because it was gross. I was just like, forget it. I'm off of it.

I stopped bread. It took some willpower and it took some time. And now I've been eating real bread. And that's probably also why I'm like super gaining weight pretty fast. Um, cause I just, I just leaned into all of my cravings because all those gluten-free stuff tasted even worse. Suddenly I had superhuman taste and smell and it was like, Oh, I can taste the corn in this pasta. Like, Oh damn.

Disgusting. It's the worst superpower well yeah and so uh we were gonna try and record last night because we both had shows in colorado springs uh you were at looney's comedy corner chuckle hut uh party zone and i uh did the first show uh that uh listener russ keller put together um that's the first yeah yeah he uh he told me he decided to do a show because a lot of comics in the springs are um uh pretty new and and deciding to run shows and just doing a horrible job and he felt like he could do better he worked at comedy works for, I think at least a couple of years, not too long ago. I think he said 2017,

2018, he was there. So he got to see like new talent night, you know, and, and kind of see like he also got to see, or before you started doing comedy, how,

I mean, God, you, you see a bunch of new talent nights. You're watching some comics. It's like their first time it's their fourth time. And then you, you see a bunch of new talent nights. You're watching some comics. It's like their first time. It's their fourth time. And then you, you know, have that progression of all down the line.

And then at the end of the show, you've got, you know, people that have been doing it eight, nine, 15, 57 years. You think your producer could pull up a photo of Russ and put it in the comments. What do you mean? So you can see him right now? Yeah, because I might really pull a picture and I think I know who it is. I don't know if I'm friends with him. I'll find him real quick.

And I can't let it go. I think that maybe I have ADHD self-diagnosed because I keep missing my appointments. That sounds like a bit. It is my life right now. Can you see him? Oh. I recognize him i did not know his name was russ though oh yeah and he's a russ well and you know you know how it is with uh at comedy works unless it's one of the handful of people that have been there for a long time

it's hard to just get everybody in filed in your brain with a name. Cause you're like saying hi to them as you walk by. And that's like, you know, those interactions happen a lot, but you're not really sitting down and having a nice chat. They say hi to my face and I'm like, Hey friend. Yeah. to my face and i'm like hey friend yeah it's good to see you no it is tough uh i have felt bad about it for a long time not drinking has helped but it doesn't just solve it doesn't just fix you you know so i still will fucking blow it at the at the the comedy works uh Christmas party oh I I called a

lot of people dude or hello there good to see you you know I pretended to be a little drunk a little out of it just up your your loopiness a little bit so that you get a cover. Yeah. So that, uh, it was that, that was fun. It was really nice to see you there. And then, uh, yeah, last night was great. Uh, I had a, I had a fun show. Russ did a good job. He said he invited a bunch of church friends. Uh, and I'm glad he said that after the show, cause, uh, if it would have been beforehand, I would have been like, Oh shit,

they're going to hate me. What do I do? And so would you have gone after them? No, no, I wouldn't have changed anything. I knew the handful of jokes I wanted to do. And then I considered trying to go into a couple of things that I've that I've written, but I haven't performed. trying to go into a couple of things that i've uh that i've written but haven't performed but uh i decided not to because they were they were a good crowd and i just kind of wanted to to continue like to to do well and so i kind of relied on not old jokes but older stuff instead of all new stuff or like the newest of stuff because I haven't done it yet

your shirt was very confrontational aggressive shirt I'm still wearing it I slept in it I don't think Megan's worn it but it's the it's the giving tree

uh the cover of the giving tree but hanging from the tree the giving tree is a kkk dude it is it is a lot damn dude megan bought it it's what it's a lot it's um yeah well yeah and I thought about uh I've thought about wearing it like to work at the bar and I was like well but again like I told you last

night at Applebee's you know if the message of the shirt is fuck the KKK and somebody takes issue with that then they're not somebody that but again like you said it's you know do i want to provoke those types of people at provocative at a show or a little triggering yeah just to see a hanging on a shirt, period, no matter who's hanging, it's like, it's triggering. Yeah. Yikes.

Sure. And the one thing about it is it is pretty. It is a pretty shirt. It has got lovely colors on it. Yeah, there's a nice tree. There's a little kid. Right. And it brings back the given, you know, this book, this children's book.

Right. And it brings back the given, you know, this book, this children's book. Right. It does evoke those feelings, but it is simultaneously triggering and provocative. That's just like me. It's like, is Megan trying to get you punched or what? She's trying to set you up. She thinks it's hot when he fights.

Yeah, she's one of those. She's one of those people that likes to watch violence that she started she's a puppet master like sam uh no she bought it for herself and then uh she converts a lot of her a lot of the shirts that she buys you know she'll like cut out the neck and uh maybe cut the sleeves down but she left this one i think because, because when I saw it, I was like, ooh, I could wear that too. And yeah, I figured, why not? If anybody has an issue with it, we'll get into it or whatever. I'll make fun of them like, oh yeah, is this your grandpa in the tree or whatever? But then I felt weird when, again, when I got there and the crowd was good and it was in this weird,

I think a lot of people might not have been able to see exactly what was going on on the shirt because we were on the third floor, the top floor of this building and the it's called the gold room and the downstairs, you know it has like a nice stage and a bar and there was an ugly sweater christmas party going on or whatever um some burlesque boylesque i think you know and uh it looked really nice it it kind of looked like um like the lobby uh of a hotel but there wasn't a hotel, just like the lobby and the stage or whatever for the lounge.

And we go up to the third floor and it was just this empty, cold space, like this big open area where it looks like, you remember Boiler Room, the movie Boiler Room? Yeah. Matt Damon? No no ben affleck was he in that yeah he plays the wolf of wall street oh giovanni rabisi is like the main guy

yeah he's the kid where's he at i don't know but anyway uh in that they they But anyway, in that they turned an empty office space into like their office. So it reminded me of that. It looked like you would maybe film a snuff film up there. Russ said something about like child ransom video. You know, like we've got your kid. It was weird looking. And then he did a good job you know there were seats and then

there was like a rug for the stage area and it worked but it was very cold everybody kept their coats on but uh yeah uh i i did not think it was gonna go as as smooth as smoothly as it did and i was relieved that it was actually fun. I can't remember why I brought it up. Did I? We're talking about what you were wearing at the show. Oh, it was dark.

Yeah. I don't think Jesus, I don't think everybody could, uh, could see it. And so, and nobody was like, what's your shirt do?

So I think I left out. No. What that, um, acronym was. Oh yeah. All cops are bastards. A-C-A-B.

I mean, oof, the shirt has so much. Right. You couldn't see. I don't think you could see that. Where does it say ACAB? On the tree. So it's implying that the KKK member is also a cop? I mean, that is historically accurate.

I know, but that's also on the shirt. Yeah. I mean, not that KKK is cops. KKK is full of lots of community members. But yeah, they recruited the cops were

recruited from the KKK also. Yeah, it's a nice variety of community members in the KKK. But yeah, that's what that shirt is a lot, Nathan. And I think it's, it is, I can't believe you walk around with that. It's pretty. Yeah, for sure. And, and, and I had, there was a twinge of like uh you're you're you want everybody to have a good time but also you know for a long time like when i was trying to get in at comedy

works and when i was in but i wanted to get to headlining or whatever i felt like i couldn't do whatever i wanted to do i had to be pretty like silly, set up, you know, set up the crowd for the headliner. And it wasn't my show. And so I did that. And then with headlining shows, bar shows or whatever, I didn't really want to get a show canceled, get, you know, get a new comic yelled at by the venue owner. That's smart and mature. Right. But also, I want to talk about what I want to talk about.

I have that, not that right. I almost said, I have that right guaranteed to me in the Constitution. But like, I don't know. You're an artist, man. You shouldn't be censored you know you're an artist who uses his words to to paint and you shouldn't be censored you shouldn't censor yourself for sure but right so eyes because you've been performing long enough to know how to create a good show that's what everybody wants right so so yeah last night i was happy

with what i did which was i talked about some some real stuff without having it dominate the whole set i went kind of went back and forth between uh dark stuff and silly stuff personal stuff whatever and it was a good set man um i realized it was the first time in a while that i closed out a show instead of hosting because I was hosting all the shows down here in Trinidad and so uh still got it well yeah I think one of the only other times that I didn't uh host a show was like a couple months uh beginning of October I um did the show with Doug Benson and you and that was uh one of the only other times. Yeah. In a while that I wasn't just hosting down here and doing like 15 and making

fun of people that I knew. Book Nathan. I do. Well, you know, because it was Russ's first show, he, when he sent out the time, you know, how much time he wanted people to do, he was like, I'm going to do 10. Then he wanted Jose McCall to do 15 to 20. And then John Bueno was sick. So Austin Brinker filled in. And he was also supposed to do 15 to 20.

And then he had me at 40 to 50. And I was like, the fuck I'm going to do 40 to 50. I'm going to do 40 to 50. i'm gonna do 35 to 37 because for show you know maybe there won't be a lot of people whatever but they were so good i ended up i didn't ask for a light i figured i would not need one and then uh when russ lit me i was like ah i'll bet i'm at like 42 or 40 and i think he said i was at 45 so that was that was funny of course i uh happily fill the time that i scoffed at before right well good though good i mean it felt right yeah i mean they were great even though they had their jackets on

they were having a good time there was supposed to to be a bartender on the third floor, but he called in sick. So people had to go downstairs to get beers. And I thought they were going to do that more. I'm making a sweater for David. I'm sewing stuff onto a sweater he already has. That's great. Show that. I made fun of the ugly sweater,

ugly Christmas sweater party down on the first floor because I don't like how that really just like went from try to find old actual like ugly Christmas sweaters to go to Walmart and buy one of the four that they make now. I mean, my sister went one year, she bought beautiful sweaters from Target or Macy's. They were like, it's supposed to be ugly.

It was a little, I don't know if it's garish or gauche. It had a lot of sparkles and a lot of stuff on it. I feel like both might apply to that kind of sweater. It was a lovely sweater. It was like, yeah, it's a sequins giraffe and a hat like it's kind of gorgeous actually this was her ugly sweater my sweater i've been wearing for about six years um i got it for six dollars from kmart and i'm so proud of it it's's just a Christmas, a sad looking Christmas tree with little felt balls on it.

Oh yeah, that's great. It's like the best $6 I ever spent in my life. Like you can call it ugly, but I'm like, that's my holiday sweater. And I really love it. Yeah, so you were at Looney's. Did you have fun? Did you have any? I did. i hadn't been to looney's

in about five or six years i said i was like four or five years but i mean time is so weird now i don't know what year it is um i had a good time they did some remodeling looks great in there i'd always been like oh yes it makes you smell like fried food when you leave they did some to the ventilation they fixed that it doesn't yeah it doesn't smell like you dipped your shirt in the oil before you head out I know like I fried my like I already smell like food because I cooked too much I don't want to smell like grease, like fried mozzarella sticks specifically. But it was cool. The first show, the early show was really fun. I think I had fun

on stage. The audience had fun. Second show was smaller audience and it felt a little tougher to pull out the jokes. I could blame myself. i just think i dilly-dallied for like three or four minutes so it's like get get to a joke okay how about a joke all this chat up top i can't stand it and i did that but um yeah it was it was i had a good time i'm driving back down tonight um so you know we'll try to do it again I'll try to I have been doing mostly theater so stand up feels a little choppy for me

yeah and I thought I was doing 20 minutes was actually a 30 minute set so it had me trying to I was like thinking of jokes like he gave me the time I was supposed to do and I was like oh that's 30 minutes and so suddenly my brain was like oh what else you got damn i have lots of jokes i just don't read them anymore so it i i think i started a joke or two that i did not make it all the way through the joke because

i don't remember it anymore well what's nice about that is they don't know the joke right so they can't be like hey you missed a part and you switched you did the second part first they don't know you opened with the punchline well yeah I guess there are ways they can tell something was off what is this random thing you just said

to us but it was fine when an audience is fun you can kind of just you can be interesting and charming on stage to fill some of the time you don't have to be all punch lines and stuff yeah which i i'm actually grateful for that there was upon a time as a newer comedian a younger comedian younger in comedy uh you know you're just like really stressed about set up some punchlines and this joke and that joke and now it's at a point where it's okay. Let's see if I can be interesting on

stage and see if I can hold people's attention on stage and get to the joke and it felt good. That's happening. Yeah, we both still got it. I think the last time I did loonies I opened for Sam and I'm sure I told the story at some on an earlier episode but this fucker in the crowd after I had done two jokes or something it was very early on in the set this guy said something like not funny or not good and i was like oh great i'm

so glad that you didn't like the the two jokes i've done so far i have another 28 minutes or you know i'm gonna be up here for a while and i was like how how how bad did you think that was and i can't remember like what if i gave him a scale or something i think i might have said i think i said on a scale of one to a hundred how how much do you not like me so far and he's 10 and i was like jesus christ dude he was giving me practically nothing but it was one of those where uh you know i tried to use it and so i so I tell a couple of jokes and be like, what do you think now, bitch? What's the number? And he'd be like, 30.

I was like, all right, great. And by the end, he said like 97 or whatever. He still couldn't give me the full fucking. You look like someone from his past. It happens on stage. People look like somebody. You're like, I can't watch this guy sure yeah but he didn't say that it was it was he was saying my jokes weren't that good

asshole but it might have been a connection yeah i might have looked like the gym teacher that molested him or whatever being shitty towards me that's not my fault dude i don't know that guy but you have such opinions in the audience and it's like but you're in the audience yeah you're some dude book a show book a show i'm gonna go down to i'm gonna go down to the auto zone and critique how well you give me my fucking oil filter and viper blades bitch no yeah it was dumb I hate when people are super annoying, demanding, like they're comparing you to their favorite comedian's best special, you know, or whatever the hell.

You're nothing like Carlin. I was George Carlin for Stick or Treat. I don't know if you knew that. This year? Yes. Sam was Kyle Kinane and I was George Carlin and we hosted together was uh george carlin for stick or treat i don't know if you knew that but this year yes sam was kyle canane and i was george carlin and we hosted together because bukely was in uh florida for fest okay i somehow missed stick or treat it's just we were talking last night about october

it's pretty booked like stuff's going on in october and i think i was booked um i'm sure i was booked or i would have been there because i wanted to be there but yeah it was great uh it is um sam and christy have always done a great job hosting because it is tough to have to go up there like to be um to do a set on the show is really great because you prepare two minutes of stuff or whatever. You get your voice down and you try to get an outfit together. But you have like two minutes. Sam and I had to go up there 80 times.

We had to go up after every comic and be a character. And I know both of Sam and Christy over the years, like one or both have gotten progressively drunker. And so that's like that makes it even harder to like keep the voice, you know, throughout. And even without drinking, I had to say I'm a couple of times made fun of me because he said I sound started sounding like Al Pacino. Al Pacino is incentive of a woman. I'm in my head half of the time like, toe that line.

Don't go full Pacino. Don't go full Pacino. I'm not incentive of a woman. I can't believe they gave him an Oscar for that. That is just like, what? That was the year I lost my faith in the Oscars because Denzel should have gotten it. But anyway. What was he in in 95? i think that is it i that was malcolm x yeah oh shit denzel lost his

malcolm x uh was it and it was given to al pacino for centipede what i love al pacino but centipede woman right then i knew it was i was oh, this is all politics. Okay. This is not real. This is about a body of work. This is not about the actual thing that they're being nominated for. This is about campaigning. Who does your agent get to vote for you? Like, whose turn is it to win? Because Denzel, my family was shook. I think it was the last year we watched the Oscars together.

We were like, never mind. The same for us. Before I forget, I kept that picture of Russ up and I just kept thinking, this is the picture they would use if he killed his family. The signs were there.

They'll always use man mauled to death by mountain lion in state park and then they have to use the most cheesy you know like professional photo instead of just like a normal i have a photo that i am begging to not be put on my obituary it's like the perfect obituary photo and i'm like please don't be put on my obituary. It's like the perfect obituary photo. And I'm like, please don't put it on my obituary. My best friend Lucy knows this is not to go on my obituary. It's on the poster for Aurora Fox for their season 37.

It's just a photo from a play I did last season. But on photo day, I didn't have my hair done yet. I did my makeup in haste. I wore the worst bra I own. And also I'm missing a tooth in the back. And the shot was taken from like underneath, which is nobody's best angle. So you see how my bra wasn't activated and you can see just a dot spot in the back where a tooth should

be because my mouth is open and it's just like it's on their posters and stuff it's like it's on all their mailers on their programs it's everywhere and i'm like do not put this on my obituary. I have a tooth missing in the back too. We still got it. We still got it. Not the teeth, but. Not the teeth. Just the place where the teeth should be. I'm holding a space for that tooth.

I got surgery there. But then my dentist was like, well, I'm not going to put the porcelain tooth in until you pay it off. And now. So I've been toothless for a year now and like oh I'm coming to LA I called the dentist I'm like hey I moved but can I come in and try to get that tooth and I'm like yeah and and then just last night on my way out the door they call me right before the office closed to say hey it actually takes two weeks to get that tooth like first and then it's going to look in we're going to make a cast and then it takes two weeks to get it from the laboratory i'm like whoa whoa what like this was my plan to come this is my tooth for christmas i had like planned this oh yeah yeah you're going out there and um now i

don't know if i have to but also i'm confused like well why was I making payments if the tooth never existed yeah paying for well that you didn't make yet they yeah they didn't want oh wait I thought they were saying you were you were paying the tooth off and they was on a shelf somewhere well waiting for me like lay away too yeah was going to come in and just walk. Kmart doesn't make the ugly sweater once you pay it off. They already made it. It's ready. I thought the tooth was waiting

for me. I was like, I'm coming, baby. I'm coming. Just hang in there. I'm going to eat so much stuff thanks to you damn i'm thinking don't get my tooth away i hope that my real teeth haven't yellowed more than the fake tooth like i just really envisioned this tooth it doesn't even exist yet yeah why did i why was i making all these payments i would never make payments on a thing that doesn't exist yet right yeah I could have paid a local dentist to you know make me a tooth so now I've paid them to make a tooth that I know I don't have time to get unless I buy a flight someday but I'm busy

once my January 3rd rehearsals for my next play starts and then those plays are back to back so I will not have a 48 hour span to rush down to LA and get a choose and I wanted to for these plays because I don't want any more under pictures that I don't have to eat. It's my nightmare and I don't want it to happen again. Now I've got to do this whole play with a smile. You're going to have to make the choice

for the characters to have Bell's palsy or have suffered a debilitating stroke or make them an old gangster. I'm like, let me to debilitating stroke or they make them an old gangster yeah yeah i'm like let me get on your other side and i kind of like turn sideways don't show my toothless side and it's my nightmare and it's just going to continue

and you're saying was that promo from queen's girl in the world yeah yeah i'm very sorry i normally will not smile that big because i mean once i had like two or three good years where my teeth were great i got braces as an adult and they were beautiful for like three years and i was cheesing every picture from like 2009 to like no 2000 whatever to whenever like three good years it's just like cheesing like hitting them with it and now I do side smile because that I lost that tooth and well I will say I'm so glad that I saw that play because you were incredible I knew that you had gone to, you know, gone to college for theater and had been in plays, but to actually see you was really great. And wow. What a,

you know, it was just you up there playing. I can't remember. It's like 17 people, 13, 13 different people, men, women, a Jewish teacher. If I can like, yeah, a couple of teenage kids. It was really great. And yeah, I can't remember why I was in town. Did you notice my space? There was like, yeah, the whole time there was like a yeah the whole time there was like a little spotlight that shone directly on the gap i don't know why that stage hand had it out for you

but it was like you wouldn't be able to see it if it weren't for that little spotlight like that extra bright spotlight that no no it was great god what a fun and then after the show i can't remember what there was like a woman because you know that theater's on pretty far east colfax where things are things are changing and happening but there's still a lot of well yeah still still a lot of people just kind of bumping into each other down there with not a lot of home one time oof only one right yeah i will find the 12 for an uber next time yeah good call you know there i can't remember what the woman did she like was she was definitely like mean to the guy that had to like tell her that she couldn't come in i can't remember what she said to him but she was a she was a character for sure oh yeah they remember

some rando like yeah a bunch of us were like thinking maybe you would come into the lobby or whatever or they were just you know like getting their getting their jacket on and then yeah i think she i think she acted like she was an uber trying to pick somebody up and then she was not nobody nobody hadn't had called for an uber because she was lying and then baby east colfax yeah i think i can't remember what she said to the dude that had to be like i'm sorry ma'am i can't let you in but it was a funny little interaction yeah east ass colfax man where the arts go to thrive that is a that is a cool theater i yeah that theater's great i just did a play at people's building which is right across the street from aurora fox directly across the street

and that is formerly a furniture store that's been converted into an art gallery, which also has a big space that they use for performance. And Aaron, who runs the place, the curator, I don't know his last name, but he's working hard to make that, you know, a space where they're going to make it more gallery friendly, like put up more walls and stuff. So, you know, they want to put more arts down there, more arts, less prostitution. You know? Yeah. Less people getting stabbed with box cutters, please. It does remind me of South Central very much. And yeah.

So, yeah. Walking home from there, I was like was like oh this is too familiar this is like me in the 80s walking home from school this is a little terrifying and yeah on a backpack which i don't know if you know this that no matter how old you are as a woman when you are a child and they act like predators until you like put a little bass in your voice like you're a brown lady something about that backpack just turns heads honking at me a lot of jesus christ what is what is the i had to take off my backpack and carry it like a suitcase I'm grown please Jesus that's so fucked like yeah

they I don't even know I was gonna say they sexualized it was like what you got another ass in that backpack girl what's going on but it creeped me out just real quick they think they can scoop you up i mean they scoop up brown women so you know sex trafficking

we don't have to get in that into that on chubby behemoth but uh when walking down east colfax trying to get home um you know don't bring an attache don't bring a backpack or else you're going to end up in fucking Nicaragua. God damn. I tried to joke about, because I was saying that space in the springs was very creepy. And I said something like, how many kids have been kept here before getting moved across the country? kids have been kept here before you know getting moved across the country and then there was a whiteboard uh you know dry erase board that the crowd couldn't even see because it was like around the corner whatever but i could see it on stage and i was like they got a whiteboard over here

you know with a bunch of facts and figures on it like numbers are up but we need different ethnicities too many white kids the rich pedophiles are complaining eventually i'm like jesus uh sorry everybody i thought it was going to be fun to like soften the blow of uh child trafficking with uh the idea of it being like a business well and then and so so i moved you, I moved away from it, started doing material. And then towards the end of the set, Austin Brinker, I didn't realize it, but Austin had brought up a little cooler because he grows a bunch of different kinds of mushrooms. And so he had some man. That's his name now. Yeah, the mushroom man. Right. So, yeah, I didn't know that he I didn't know that he had brought them in a cooler, you know, on stage. And I hadn't really noticed that there was a little cooler there off to the side.

But towards the end of my set, the handle, like, fell and, like, slapped against the side of it. And I was like, what the hell? And I was like, oh, what is this? I thought maybe there were some beers in there that I could like give to the crowd or whatever try to get them to like me again and uh i open it and there's just like 15 brown paper sacks you know and so i go holy shit what are these sack lunches doing here? I was right. There were kids being kept here. My God. Oh, God. And then I touched the wall and I said,

the walls are freshly painted. They're covered in blood. Oh, God. I brought it back to a dark place. Well, the church people know more than anything about, you know, the evil that lies underneath the surface. Oh, God. Yeah.

So, yeah. It should be a behemoth topic, isn't it? Doesn't that really coincide with the name? Oh, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. David Berkowitz killed several young people because a lot of parked car parked cars you know people making out necking in their old caprice or whatever did you land on this name i'll be honest with you i was like

i was like i expect this from sam but nathan um we always thought it was so funny that that uh like, you know, obviously he was deranged, but that this, you know, serial killer called himself the Chubby Behemoth. Like, it sounds silly. It obviously sounds menacing and sinister, but it's also, like, Chubby is very kind of, like, disarming or, I don't know like i am i am the pudgy destroyer you know like it's fucking ridiculous was it his porn name he had helped to go into perhaps or be yeah chubby was his first dog and he lived on behemoth avenue yeah uh we we always like for for a long time you know i don't know how we we i mean i guess just because we talked a lot you know a lot of a lot of late nights sharing a bed giggling

and uh getting to know each other eventually you start talking about david berkowitz and we both we both thought it was hilarious that he called himself that. Like, that sounds like something that a news, you know, that a news anchor would come up with to, like, be kind of shitty. Right, yeah. Yeah. It's like, look at this nerdy psycho, you know? Like, yeah, it doesn't seem like you would call yourself that. But we, yeah, we liked that. And for a while, I wanted to do a podcast with Sam, like before the pandemic, before we actually started. And I thought we were going to call it like the joke life podcast or just joke life. but uh for whatever reason i think i think i just threw out chubby behemoth as an as another option uh before we got going and he was like let's do that and uh you and sam who is more well read

sam sam loves reading and i like watching i couldn't tell i'd say you no i'm just kidding uh he seems like he reads things uh i i read a lot of like i try to keep up with news and and things um you know i read uh a lot of news articles or twitter uh i follow a lot of either journalists or like i don't know like uh organizers activists so that i feel like i i read that sam has read a ton of like fiction and knows a lot, a lot about different authors. And I have read some things, but God, I, once I get out of the loop, once I get out of the habit of reading a book and then starting another one,

I've been out of it for years. And it's so easy to like. I haven't read a book and so on i i used to love to hang out at barnes and nobles borders and stuff and i love the feel of a book i love buying books i love going to mutiny and finding new books and then i just started to collect them on my shelves which was my dream as a kid i just want to be surrounded by books then i started buying books buying new books and not reading them just i was like oh yeah stop doing that that's crazy because once i moved i got rid of most of my books had to yeah they're the they're the they're like the worst thing to amass a large collection of and then to have to yeah box them up god the heaviest fucking box

you've ever right I'm like I'll take the fridge I'll put the fridge on my back and if you could grab that that box of uh 12 books uh because my back's up so you take the box of books I will grab the two couches I'll stack them and carry them out to the truck very neat trick me and Andy moved a couple times and he was always in charge of packing you pack your books in small boxes sure oh yeah yeah it's like duh like he he did a lot of our packing in small boxes the times i've moved myself i usually just throw everything in my car and drive it across town to wherever i live and andy was very good about packing in

small boxes and i was like okay I'll keep that even after we break up I knew this like seven eight years ago I was like once we break up I'm gonna keep that you filed it away you're like Janae listen listen to me now you're gonna need this sooner than later well yeah because I think the instinct is i want to get this fucking box i want to get these books you know in and out as quickly as possible so you get a big old box and you're like i want all of the books in one but yeah you gotta out you gotta outgrow that thinking yeah those big boxes are not worth it next time you move go first medium and small boxes makes more sense oh yeah i i realized that i'm i'm also an adult uh you're trying to tell me as if i'm 19 don't wear a backpack nathan

i know great life lesson i'm just growing up yeah i I have to impart wisdom to Noah Reynolds because he's still pretty young and I'm trying to raise him right. Chew your food. You don't want to choke. You got to chew your food

all the way. Whenever I see him, he almost talks to me. I feel like he gets the courage to let me know he's there and then it's like that's as much as i've come up with uh this dude uh that that listens to the podcast tyler he lives down here. And he said he, he crossed paths with Noah, like not that long ago, like within the last week or two, he was I think he said he was kind of by wide, right. He was like by that, that post office, whatever.

He was like right there. And he saw Noah coming towards him and realized it was him. And then also realized that Noah would have no idea who he was you know they had never talked before and he said he thought about just trying to scare the shit out of him or just being like hey aren't you fucking noah reynolds you little shit and acting like this i wish he would have done it he said he just did you know they just he just walked by him and didn't didn't interact with him but that would have been so fucking funny just makes no shit his little pants you know nice backpack kid where you want to where do you want to live next i'm gonna take you out to an island and make you dance

but yeah he he i don't know i i would imagine he's he's I would imagine he's in a weird spot. Like that spot, that time when you know that you're funny, you know that you're like getting there, you're people, you've had really good sets, other comics have complimented you, tried to help you, whatever. But also like, you know, it's not like he's uh fully actualized like

you know there's still a long way to go and that is a weird time you know like when you're brand new you've got like that false bravado or you're kind of faking it or whatever and now he's uh gotten a lot but then there's still like not you know they're you don't you don't just reach a point where you're completely confident and you know that you're on the right track what are you it constantly feels like what's the next thing you're pursuing and you try to get funny enough to get to that next thing like that next opportunity that next show that next level that next festival i gotta get funny enough to do this who next level the next festival i gotta get funny enough to do this who's already on that festival i gotta get as funny as those people so i can get

that festival like i i feel like yeah you're he's probably in a weird place maybe he has to um he's funny like now you gotta set some goals like what's the thing you want to do so you can be funny enough to do that thing or funnier than the people who are already doing that thing well and i've also i've also told him that uh well yeah and i was gonna gonna say festivals are the worst because even though it seems like on his level well even though i'm just saying like uh they're they're they're a mind fuck because you can be very funny and not get any of the festivals that you apply to because there's this, I mean,

each festival can be, uh, can not book you for a lot of different reasons. Either they don't know you and they like to book people that they know. They don't know you. I wish I could tell everybody kind of get into festivals because they don't know you. Yeah.

I also think a lot of festivals want a lot of different types of people which is good but they can i mean that can go i well not all of them but i i think some try really hard to not have a bunch of white dudes and so if you're a white dude maybe you don't get certain festivals no yeah you're right you're a white dude, maybe you don't get certain festivals. No, you're right. You're right. But I think where I'm sitting, that does not feel like the case. That does not feel like a problem. I mean, I feel like people recognize some part of the problem. But then when you look at what their solution is or what they've accomplished, you're like, you still are doing that thing still most of these festivals are mostly white dudes and and not white guys the same for sure and there's a lot of white guys therefore you need to be an extraordinarily talented white guy to even be chosen but still it doesn't feel diverse in the way that i think of diversity um because i know that there's so much i'm like where are i want people with different

stories and i think there's a comedian for every genre. It's like, where are your immigrant comedians? Where are your refugee comedians? They're like, Oh, didn't think of that. We just picked a black lady. Sure. We covered all of that section. Yeah.

We, we, we got a, a, a gay black woman. So that's three, uh, diversity hires in one. It's very economical. It's very economical. It's efficient. I really love to watch the diversity of stories. And I don't think every white guy is the same, but I do look at most of these layouts of festivals

and I'm like, it's still a lot of white guys. And to get on there, you gotta be a popular white guy, a very funny white guy, an extraordinarily talented white guy still to get white guy and an extraordinary talented extraordinarily talented white guy still to get on i understand that yeah i i think yeah it's like you just said earlier how if you are an unknown uh comic then it's tougher and then if you have any kind of heat if you've done a couple festivals it'll be more likely that you do all of the festivals because I think a lot of the,

the people that do festivals kind of see, you know, who who's, who's doing the festival circuit. And a lot of those people are white dudes that, you know, have a couple of late night credits or their podcast is getting bigger or whatever the hell.

So, yeah, I don't know. Little Noah also, because I think, I think comics that do their own thing can stand out in a good way, but they can also still run into like a crowd that doesn't get them or doesn't like them or doesn't respond.

And so I've tried to tell Noah the best thing or the thing that lets you know that you're on the right track for me is uh when other comics think that you're funny and he has gotten that and that is um hopefully enough to keep you know a gun out of his mouth his twin brother uh did not avoid that fate no that was no that was a running joke i i made it up when we did the pod i acted like he shot up a school and then killed himself you know because that's hilarious but chubby behemoth that dark the dark passenger if you if you watch dexter oh gosh the dark passenger is is uh is in the car uh for this pod and for me. I try to be nice, but

also, you know, I am well-read enough. You have a nice face and a nice voice, so it's always like when you say something dark, it's like, oh. I'm sorry. Let's talk about missing teeth instead of missing kids and keep it light.

But yeah, I have tried to raise Noah right. And let him know that he's, he's doing, he's doing well. And you just can't get in your own head too much about like, Oh, I'm not doing enough because I've,

I've always said, what do you want? I don't know well you know just to to get bumped up at comedy works to get asked to do shows instead of having to ask to to do shows you know all of that and i just tell them you know denver is pretty good at i don't know some denver comics that run shows know that they need to like book different people. Others,

I think book their friends a little too much, but what are you going to do? You know, and that's at least there's a lot of shows. Comedy works is first of all, it's who knows when she's going to add more people to that. It's like, that's a rough one to be wanting that you better off just trying to apply to a festival every year but um comedy works very

much about consistency and um noah is funny and likable and i think people always like him on stage and you gotta show you gotta be consistent you gotta show some consistency even though you know you can be funny it's like you're gonna have to show how funny you can consistently be like actually do some of the same jokes over and over yeah lots of people who work at comedy works can see you every time you're up there like sometimes people they get like a comedy work show every month or every couple weeks or something and they want to try something new yeah like no no no you should do the same three minutes probably yeah i yeah i think that that is um something to to over or to to ignore in your brain is like oh at open mics and at comedy works you want to like yes as if these uh these staff members are going

to remember your last three minute set from two months ago and be like oh he did the same stuff she did the same set yeah that's comedy when you have like yeah when you're on when you're working your way up the only way that you would that it would look bad is if you did the exact same set for like two years, three years. Especially if it doesn't crush or whatever. So yeah, that's like a weird instinct that some comics have. If people could consider it more like theater, it's like I can't come out every night and do a different monologue. I gotta do the same monologue.

This time I'm a Queen Queens boy in the world. Burn your lines, do the same joke, act it better next time. Maybe this time have bigger energy, maybe hold more eye contact. Maybe be missing two teeth tonight like 18 i don't even know how much an adult is supposed to have i've never had the full set ever it's just all the time just adjust for the teeth that i have the next time i i need to go to like the dental school at the college down here to try to get some freaking,

I don't know how many teeth I'll end up with after that. Cause I feel like some of them might be ready to go. So that's going to suck. As long as they're in the back way, man, it's like, it's like when people get like marble countertops, you're like, actually that shit is not the strongest.

Like bones are not the strongest. They get this reputation. Like bones are so strong but they just wear down and decay the whole time since they've been popping out of your face they just they've been waiting to jump out of your hand and onto the floor so we can't be feeling bad about it they were never intended to last 80 years but i still got baby teeth oh you don't yeah i do i got no cavities this chipped tooth last year is the only damage i've ever done well i got no cigarettes you got no cavities no i eat candy right before i go to bed too and i have for 20 years cavities my baby niece just went to the dentist and my sister was like she's got cavities but my nephew who's eight same family her brother no cavities they just yeah it's just different

bones are different um well your niece is a smoker and that's unfortunate but i'm glad the nephew is smoking in the house again smoking in the house no cav Smoking in the house. No cavities. Well, good for you, bro. I got all the places that don't have cavities are dirt holes. So just every tooth has a cavity. Yeah. I went from no cavities, like straight A's until like whenever, whenever I started to get get bees like eighth grade ninth grade that was when the cavities started coming and i was and then i was like oh god i'm

not god's perfect little rainbow i'm i'm mortal and then it just was downhill from there i don't know and then i the tooth that i had to have taken out i chipped like on a burrito in arizona and uh yeah i just let it get to that like i'm gonna kill myself if this pain continues like i let it go and crazy it's the yeah i think it's the worst thing that well, back pain can really get bad. But yeah, like the tooth pain is fucking crazy. It seems to be nagging and annoying. Yeah, it's like, take me out now. Someone call in, please.

I've been there. Get the hammer. Yeah, it is. That's the way when Tom Hanks had the bad tooth it is the realist that right there the realest i've ever seen in a movie just knock me out yeah i snapped that uh because so i went to because i didn't have insurance at uh then either six years ago seven years ago uh heather snow rest in peace uh had a dentist friend out in evergreen i think and so uh we had you know i had to drive out there and there was a time i had to go out a few times

and one of the times um megan B and Megan's brother, Nick, he was going to drive us. But Sarah was like, oh, I wouldn't mind going out there or whatever. So it was like this fun trip for the three of them. And then there was some discussion of something like, oh, where should we put the dogs and blah, blah. And I was like, this isn't a fucking road trip. I'm going to kill all of you.

And I felt bad. this isn't a fucking road trip. I'm going to kill all of you. And I felt bad. I snapped at everyone. But that pain is kill your family and then yourself kind of pain. Yes. They should check in with these murder suicides. Like, how are his teeth? Don't look at the mental health records. Look at the dental records.

What's going on? The dental records. And they're like oh he needed two root canals okay well there's our motive oh my god i had i needed a root canal really badly a few years ago when i was living on grand street and i was like remember when it got so bad i was rocking back and forth in my bed and I was crying and I wanted my mom so badly. And I envisioned running into traffic. I was like, that would be the easiest thing. Nobody would have to clean that up. Not at home. It's like, I'll just run into traffic and get hit by a car.

That sounds better than getting a shitty job that provides health shitty health insurance so that i can go see a dentist yeah once the tooth happens it's like you know how long it takes to earn dental insurance at a job it's like it's when you need the shit done you need it done and luckily shout out to case um who happen to have a couple vicodin available. And I think about all the days when I used to abuse Vicodin, all the wasted Vicodin. It's like, that's like almost the only thing that can help when you have a tooth problem is a Vicodin. And that helped me to at least be able to pick up the phone and call the dentist. Like, cause I was at that point where I was just like i don't know it's like your brain is scrambled you're like i don't know do i call 9-1-1 or run into traffic like these are my options

these are the two options yeah because you chew on the other you chew on the other side of your mouth for like a year and a half and then that is not enough and then yeah you're like what else do i what else can i do and and people i was gonna say uh people are so annoying when they act like homeless people petty crimes you know that are done by desperate people that are in pain that they just shouldn't do that you know they act like it's just like this weird choice that's being made. And it's like, bitch, have a fucking toothache and no insurance for two years. Have a back injury and then you can't get any more pain pills.

You know, people act like, you know, there's just this rational brain that is, you know, purpose purposely being misused or ignored you know pain changes people too if you have chronic pain it changes your brain yes like i mean definitely actually all these uh these murder suicides let's check what's going on with pain for them you know what kind of physical pain are they i hate to hear comics especially like these on their special they'll be having their hbo special, their Netflix special, talking about toothless people. I'm not going to name names, but a couple of white dudes

always making jokes about people without teeth. And it's like, do you think people like not having teeth? Ever met a person who rejected a tooth that was offered to them? And they're like like and this one comment was just like ask your friends borrow some money from your friends do whatever you have to do you can't just walk around without tooth in the front it's like well that tooth was giving you pain and you had no money and the option usually they they will pull it for you yeah if you can't afford a root canal they always offer to just yank that tooth out of your mouth.

And some people, I used to work with this really young guy who had like no teeth in the front. He's from East Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania, as they kept saying. And he was great, hard worker, smart guy, fun guy, sweet guy, but no teeth in the front. And he's so young. And he just worked all the time he worked his ass off until he could get a credit card and then he got his teeth fixed and then he got promoted and then he like went back to school or something it was like yeah you know how much i could hold a person back nobody wants to be like that it's just like it's a process it's expensive it's a luxury to have good teeth i get angry every time i hear a comic talk about people missing

teeth it's like you fucking elitist sure yeah that's like the that's one of the easier joke topics is like a funny interaction with a crazy homeless person and i had a couple mine were not uh i feel like the ones i had were not very mean i was somewhat aware that well because like one was made up where this dude that was like getting arrested saw me walking down the street and said lordy lordy look who's 240. and i was like you're being arrested how are you shitting on me so you know it was made up not not just dumping on a on a homeless person or whatever but uh another one and another one was real and again it was just a funny interaction it wasn't uh you know it was a dude uh who was like, hey, I was by Jesus saves downtown.

And he walked alongside me. He was like, hey, big dog. Hey, what's your name, man? I got what you need. What are you looking for? And I said, oh, I'm good. And he was like, oh, I was about to hook you up to you, little bitch. And that really happened.

And really, the rest of the joke was just like me being hurt. Like, hey, what happened to Big Dog? I thought it was your big dog. But yes, other comics, a lot of comics have relied on the fake or real interaction with somebody who's homeless or having a manic episode or schizophrenic. And it can be really clueless you know it's like oh yeah why wouldn't you shit on a on a person who's struggling yeah so yeah i'm that is annoying that they're actually by the time they get to these big specials they are out of touch or when they get their second special or third special especially you're like you are out of touch actually so a lot of us are closer to being homeless than having our third

special like that is much more relatable to me than what you're doing on stage don't you feel like that's what happened with chapelle that's why he has these weird this this fascination with trans people is that he went from being you know obviously when he started he was 15 but like being in dc young black uh out there you know experiencing struggling and then getting some success as an actor whatever and then chapelle show but he still is com you know is still in the world or whatever but then he goes to africa and then he goes and, you know, he's on a he lives on a farm in rural Ohio and he's, you know, gets gets richer and richer. So I think I just feel like how could he like fully understand other like newer types of struggles or or newly talked about types of struggles from from from other types of people like i don't know they i mean they all become out of touch i think

kevin hart became out of touch if most of what made you famous is talking about being broke and poor living with your mom and now it's just like who are we talking about jet set into the next city and what happened in the next city you're like uh who cares I mean Chappelle the one thing about Chappelle though is he has interesting interactions and I do like to hear his stories because I don't think I'm going to have the same interactions

um like when he was at the club talking about Prince this is before all the specials released he was at the club telling his Prince story. And it was just like fascinating. Yeah. It can be really fascinating still. I think like with the trans issues,

he does kind of lock onto a subject and then explore and mind the subject when it's like, is this necessary? What else could you be talking about? Tell me about the kids, man. Tell me about the kids or the kids. Tell me about these teenagers in your house. Tell me about that. You know, right. Talk about the kids and talk about the food. That's fine. Have one more baby. Tell me about that.

Yeah. You're about to have baby material and pregnant. God, so. No, I'm going to have material because my head is still like in a weird place with it. Like, you know, like I for some reason, a bunch of lady comics are pregnant this year. My sister says that it is a side effect of COVID vaccine, but we can get into that later. Side effect of killing time at home. No. It's a side effect of killing time at home. No, it's a side effect of not pulling out.

Yeah, but the chances of that if you're having sex all the time increase. Yeah. Maybe. I've been having a lot of sex over these 40-something years and it's very odd that it just suddenly happened after I got vaccinated guys

coincidence i did not follow follow the money you'll find the money is soaked and come i want i want to be material but i'm pregnant it feels like forever, but it is a short time also to be on stage talking about it. Like pregnancy material, I guess you talk about it after because initially you don't talk about it because you're, you know, it's too early. You're not showing. not showing and then there's a small window where you are showing and you can talk about it and within that window i am in two plays and i won't be on stand-up stages yeah so i will still be hiding it you can't you can't go ali wong which was a great special i want to though like i was i was just talking to 800 pound gorilla didn't know I was pregnant yet and talking about doing an album. And then when I found out I was pregnant, I was like, well, do I talk about being pregnant? And then I stopped talking to them because I was like, well,

I don't even have time to do an album right now. I've already committed to these plays. It would have to be like in 10 months or whatever. Well, I don't even know that. I don't even know. But also like, I won't be pregnant anymore so i talk about new baby do i write all new material the material that i would have put on an album is like irrelevant to my life now yeah so i i feel like i gotta start from scratch with writing but it's hard to start from scratch in this temporary position that I'm in. Yeah. I would say if I were you and, and I am, we are all one.

I would say, I would say ideally you could pick a date when you're done with the plays that, that, that, where you could record an an album and you start with like some of your favorite best like you know some of your best jokes that that you would still that you would want on the album you know like not just the best jokes from your whole uh career because maybe some of them you know you don't want as on your debut album and so they just don't get recorded and you know and that's fine but you know whatever whichever few things that you still really enjoy or that you know are like you know home runs and then you've got a couple things about being pregnant or whatever that that you enjoy and that you are able to kind of flesh out

in your head i know that's not ideal you want to be able to run them a bunch on stage. But if you can't do that, you can still trust yourself to have certain things that are funny. And you jot them down, and then you think of a tag or whatever, and then it's ready. Because ideally, you pick a date that is maybe a month after you're done with the play. So then you run whatever you can do for a month. I'll be the're done with the play. So then you run, you know, whatever you can do for a month.

The whole time on the play. The play ends mid-April. Then I'll be delivering end of April. So I'll be somebody's mom when I do this imaginary album, I guess. The only thing I would say please don't do is I have unfollowed several funny women on Twitter for doing and and men can do it too but like uh to to have the fucking and and you won't have this for the album because your kid won't talk yet but the all of the fucking oh my kid said something so funny there's so many i mean that's

like almost as prevalent and annoying as the fake slash mean homeless person interaction is the, oh, my kid meant to say fucking tiddlywinks. And he said, you know, tiddly twinks. And I was like, oh, you don't pick up a little twink until you're ready. Whatever the fuck. All this, you know, it's just such a crutch, man. And you got to be careful with that shit because it is annoying. And I sure it can crush when people have kids like oh yeah they do it just becomes all of a person's life it does yes like like suddenly i'm not going to be able to talk about like what am i talking about now i i talked a lot in the past about my boy whoever my boyfriend was

at the time and i talk about moving and I talk about not being a mom. I have a lot of jokes about like, hey, I don't have kids. Oh, yeah. Whoops. That might be fun, though. Whoops. That might be fun. You might be able to start with or or, you know, we've that,

you know, that was then, and now I'm pregnant. Like how, how you felt then and how. I'm sorry, I called you all fat and weird looking. We, you just reminded me last night at the Applebee's, we, we had fun, because you said something about how you're halfway through, or you're at the point where now it, you know, it's, it looks like a baby, instead of just like, nothing inside of you. And how, whatever you said, like, now, you know, it would be, it would be, you couldn't get an abortion and i was like well you could it's not like the kid would like be able to stop you or plead for its life no i want to live my baby has bones and looks like a baby in there instead of a blip on the ultrasound

right but yeah that was so funny the baby is like please no i'm gonna be a good boy god that's what the billboards make it seem like the anti-abortion like in kansas you know your baby has read three books by the time you feel it kick you know shit like that come on they're so mean it actually feels like nothing that's the best part they make it like how did you kill your baby i'm not trying to kill a baby i'm trying to end the pregnancy actually it doesn't feel like anything's in there every day it's terrifying when you want the baby you're like is it even still here i can't tell until i go get another ultrasound in a month i'm just fingers are crossed that it's still here? I can't tell until I go get another ultrasound in a month.

I'm just fingers are crossed that it's still in there. It's still like thriving. I can't believe they're making people stay pregnant because this is like a decision that you make daily. It's a daily walk. It's a daily, I'm going to take my prenatal vitamins daily. I should drink more water every day. Get up and go pee every day. Wish I could have a bowel movement every day. Don't eat sushi every day. You're just like,

it's just like a, you have to want to do it. I want to keep the baby healthy. So I'm doing all the things. But if I really couldn't support a child, if I couldn't bring another baby into this world, if it wasn't good for my health and my body, how could you make me take that walk every day? Yeah, you're going to run into traffic. This is a tooth pain situation. Right? You get desperate.

Yeah. All of that will have to be on another episode, I feel, because that's a whole other thing. The abortion episode the amy coney barrett bitch dumbass yeah her report the supreme court is bullshit man it's her her initials are almost all cops are bastards all coney's are barrett's but uh yeah uh so much of what is happening uh in the courts in the state of the state uh that controls us it's it's scary um but I am excited for you you're like I said literally one of my favorite people of all time and I'm excited for you and happy for

you because like same with like my sister you know and and her husband when they got pregnant when kristin uh rand van horn i call her kristin rand horn to save time when she got pregnant it's it's exciting because god uh god bless you because we will need some kids from smart, caring people, not just like the dumbest of the dumb or the, you know, not that everybody who has kids. But you know what I mean? The other side of the American coin are having a lot of kids. And that's not great. So that, you know, when the other when they when smarter people, more passionate people, more informed people decide to have kids, it is. The other teat drops for some reason.

I don't know what that is. The other teat drops. Yeah. Those to be, I agree. And I thought for sure, I was like, I'm not having having any i'm too smart for this shit it's a burden and i think often about you know well if only idiots have babies then we're going to be in a lot of trouble here um right yes uh we're you know we start we talked about how however many uh i think you said there's a hundred guns for every person in America and how scary that is because most of the people we know might have zero to one gun. Yeah.

And so that is being skewed heavily by a lot of very particular people who have, you know, 500 guns to even out our zero. Same with kids, for sure. 500 guns to even out our zero. Same with kids, for sure. But hopefully some of those guns take out some of those kids before they grow up and turn into a piece of shit. Cut that part out. That's controversial. That's the podcast, baby.

That's content. That's what people show up for. I'm going to have a t-shirt with a kid hanging from a tree. I'm going to be behemoth for you, baby. That's what the people show up for. I'm going to have a T-shirt with a kid hanging from a tree. I'm going to click off right now. Nobody's cutting shit. What do you want to plug real quick? This is the longest episode ever, but I feel like it's a good one.

Okay, he'll cut some. Don't worry. Cut nothing. Well, I am going to be in two plays in the spring so if you didn't get to see me acting you can see me at aurora fox i'm going to be in don trell who kissed the sea um in a supporting role which is great and that runs in february and march and then i'm going to be in hurricane diane i have the lead role in that play. And Diane's pregnant now. Pretend like you don't know.

Because that's the one where my character is not supposed to be pregnant, but we will see how that runs. So that will be in, like, April, March and April. And those are both at Aurora Fox. And before then, I'm going to be at Lucha Libre. Are you going to be there? I am. I'm going to be at Lucha Libre. Are you going to be there? I am. I'm supposed to be at Lucha Libre in January.

That is rehearsal time, so I'm trying to let my director know that, please, can I have that one Friday night off or Saturday night off? Friday, yeah. January 19th? I think it's the 14th. 14th, yeah. So I'll be at Westpac the 18th. 14th, yeah. So I'll be Westpac 18th of this month, December 18th.

And then, yeah. I'll be around. And I'll be, if you know anything about, if you want to send me money for my baby, feel free. I'm not sure that a car seat can go on the back seat of a 2006 Toyota Corolla. But I'm going to try.

What's your Venmo? Janae Burris. Trying to make it easy for people to find me. Oh, hell yeah. Also trying to get that tooth. Yeah, let's get that tooth. Yeah, I will be, it is January 14th for Lucha Libre and Laughs, and that's in Denver, Oriental Theater. I will be on a competing show on December 18th. I am at the Denver Comedy Lounge, thanks to Ben Kronberg, two shows, seven and nine. And then the next night, the 19th, is the Comedy Works Holiday Roast at the Downtown Club. That's always very fun.

I no longer get invited to, so bleep out that show, Jacob. You better stop producing my producing. Now you got a baby inside of you. Think you can take over my shit? I'm voting for two now. Well, yeah.

I mean, no. Leave it in. Final decision. I don't care what your baby has to say about my life and my baby's a male baby people will care what he has to assign male at birth is almost all cops are bastards all males are our births uh the roast is uh always a fun time especially because in the midst of the holiday clean shows for all these fucking groups of, uh, you know,

work retreat, you know, work outings or whatever. Oh yeah. Let's go see some PG comedy, you know, uh, the opposite of what comedy should be.

Uh, we get to be nice and dirty and, and make fun of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and Santa. So, uh, that's a good time. And then a few days later, um, on Thursday, December 23rd, I will be, uh, at back at the downtown comedy works opening for Josh blue, uh, that, uh, there's only one show, uh, that has not sold out. There's like a seven 15 and a nine 30 or no, a seven and a nine 15 and the seven not sold out there's like a 715 and a 930 or no a 7 and a 915 and the 7 is sold

out so uh go to comedyworks.com you can get tickets that will be a fun uh show and if that sells out if you don't want to go downtown uh i will also be um opening for chris charpentier uh friend of the pod frequent uh not soso-chubby behemoth. He is going to be closing out a really stacked lineup at Denver Comedy Underground. Wait, what is the difference between the Denver Comedy Lounge and the Denver Comedy Underground?

Those are not the same? No, they're two different places. Wait, which is which? Which one is Kronberg's? Denver Comedy Lounge lounge and that is inside of uh colorado sake company denver comedy underground is a new spot uh that ben bryant is running it is okay it's in the basement of it's either like the althea center the athena center it's like a uh like a new age kind of spiritual kind of church uh that does like um you know uh genital mutilation indoctrination uh kind of a heaven's gate kind

of a thing where if you kill yourself uh when the moon is uh at the right point in the sky you will uh see god i don't know i don't know't want to talk about circumcision and abortion on the next episode. So get back to me before I deliver. Jesus Christ. Yeah. Hell yeah. I really need to talk about this. We will. Yeah. That's a, that's a cliffhanger. We got a baby dangling over that cliff. Will it or won't it survive? What? I want to thank you for donating to she, her comedy, um, for my little website database that I was making

that David created because he's the web genius. It was my idea, though. I don't even remember. Well, because we were making it for free and just paying for the domain ourselves. And David would just take time out of his day to update that for me. But I created SheHerComedy.

It's just a database with i would like it if lady comics female identifying and i have maybe one or two um trans masculine people on there um but it's just a database so you could say hey i don't have any ladies on my show oh nice yeah now i remember go on and you go oh here's a bunch and now david's made it so you can go by city uh we're gonna update it so we know who does clean comedy um and then i'm taking suggestions but nathan was kind enough to donate because i just was pulling david away from whatever other work he was doing and being like can you do my website what's that website it's it's she her comedy it's like she slash her

comedy.com um.com and you can um you can also some you can submit your profile or you can just use it as a database if you're a producer or a booker nobody no more excuses about not being able to find diverse voices at At least in this space, we have some people that you haven't used, some trans women, some people that are non-binary and some ladies that you already know who don't live in your town, perhaps, you know, comedians, improvisers. I'm trying to grow the database,

so I hope people will share it with other people and tell their friends, hey, just put your... It's just an EPK, you know, an electronic press kit. It's got names, cities, pronouns, a clip of their work, their website, a photo, just something real basic where you can just say, Hey, here's some people to choose from. So no more of this. I couldn't find any people to come to Trinidad bullshit.

You know what I'm saying? Whoa. Was that true? That mean? Cause damn. How do you, and how do you take back a donation for this website because you don't attack me tell becker what to edit out of a podcast slam my ass no i i wanted to get you down here so bad and it didn't work out and so but it just definitely warmed my heart to receive that donation because people don't donate and it's like it does cost me something to like,

just keep the domain every month and stuff. So I appreciate it felt like that donation felt like supporting women in comedy. So, Oh yeah, that's all I do. No, I'm just kidding.

That is not all I do, but I do try. And, and, and, and it feels so good to be able to donate to causes because it's done in two seconds. I would much rather be able to do that a few times a month or, you know, whenever I can do that instead of having to go do something. Fuck that.

I can stay home and send some. And I was like, done, baby. Yeah, I'll send some money and i'll say hey uh you do the work so it is a nice uh thing to be able to do if you have a few extra bucks uh could they venmo at janae burris and that they can venmo me maybe you know i'm just paying out of pocket to maintain it but maybe for the for the note they could say she her comedy versus uh if they want to donate to your future diaper onesie fund yeah or tooth yeah they could yeah they can specify you need help in so many ways

you're so helpless no you're uh you're incredible helpless. No, you're, uh, you're incredible. Yes. Uh, but yeah, thanks so much for, uh, being on the pod. Thank you listener for listening. If you,

uh, are not on the Patreon, it's patreon.com slash chubby behemoth, uh, for $5 a month, you get, uh, all of the,

uh, Patreon episodes that we've recorded. And we try to do about four a month. Sam will be back in the States in just a couple of days. So we will have the gruesome twosome back together again. The chubby two hemoth.

And yeah, a lot of great episodes on the Patreon. So feel free to check those out if you can. But yeah, see you guys soon. Smell you later. All cops are bastards. All babies are cops.