Chubby Behemoth - Cole Adderly

Episode Date: August 23, 2021

Flipping Coins. Sex Begging In The Tent. Singled Out By God.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, everyone, man. Welcome to just a fucking rip roaring chubby behemoth. All right. Of course, I'm Sam Talent, you know, the venerable leader. Still chewing. I'm not chewing, dude. You're literally chewing. I'm not.

You're getting food out of your teeth and then eating it. Yeah, I have wide gaps. I'm all gap mouth tea, man. I'm the big mouth. That's Lund. I'm Lund. We're going to start going by one name. Becker's on mute.

What do you mean? Just Lund. Yeah, you should just go by Lund go by lunch dude oh becker can laugh silently that's terrifying i can just like wheeze and control the wheeze can mimic laughter like a human yeah he's learning he's adapting it's like suppressing a sneeze you just like keep your lungs from hitting that note some if it's too good of a joke it's it's undeniable have you ever known anyone who laughs like this oh wow i mean i've seen it happen when someone like as their regular laugh no yeah they never actually laugh they just go oh wow like a baby watching magic where'd it go where'd all those words go oh into my ears oh wow

oh and you'll you'll love this i'm violently hung over why because of a stupid wedding went to the wedding last night who's riding out dude who's wedding uh one of emily's co-workers what sham of a wedding you went to south dakota for some rando that just takes temperatures next to your nurse wife just another person who puts gloves on. Not even doctors. They're not that brave, dude. Yeah, I'd be brave, too, if I had a bunch of technology up my own ass.

Yeah. I mean, that's where they put the thermometers. No, Molly and Matt, Molly's in Emily's residency class, and they're incredibly tight. So it was cool, man. Is matt the guy that you like a lot i like matt a lot but no miles is the one i have a crush on the karaoke master karaoke guy yeah the guy who watched me from the sidelines like you would walk a thousand miles to fuck miles oh i mean i gotta hang out with miles all weekend we shared a room with his wife and me and my wife okay we were cutting up and having so much fun and uh flipping coins to

see who sleeps where yeah exactly uh putting blindfolds on and seeing where our dicks wound up you get you get her your wife the first night you're like god damn it the next night it's his wife and you're like ah fuck well yeah she's pregnant i want miles give me miles yeah let's timon and pumbaa this thing miles make me makes me smiles i would love to bang him no he's incredibly funny dude and we just chilled and laughed a whole bunch and he likes to drink and i like to drink and we drank a lot and uh but yeah i think i lost like an hour's worth of time last night oh no where i was like out and about too i was still on the scene and then i woke up this morning and the first thing i said to emily was is everybody mad at me nobody cared yeah no one i guess i didn't blow it that bad. In fact, I did a bunch of cool stuff in my blackout.

I taught everyone how to play pogs, I guess. You had some. Yeah, I had some. It was cool. I woke up with like three new text messages from people being like, that was the night of my life, cowboy. Yeah, right. I had a cowboy hat on.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was a steel cowboy. I was wearing fucking Becker have loved it black high top air force ones cowboy hat button-up shirt cowboy shirt and then a bolo tie and then pants that i found at target in a frenzy because i couldn't find any pants anywhere else nice too Too slim for your old pants because of keto. No, don't own pants. Even cooler. Got rid of all of them.

Tossed them all. You were like, I'll never go to a funeral or wedding again. It's just casual and then stage. And then they're the same outfit. Yeah, I mean, I'm trying to fucking... What's that Japanese lady say? Muki Hondo?

Marie Kondo? Marie Kondo, yeah. Pants don't bring me joy. There's nothing good about pants. But these pants had a zipper on the side, so that was kind of a bummer. They were like tactical pants. They were camo. Yeah, they were camo yeah they're cargos force

ones what's that with high top air force ones yeah they have a strap and i was all like i when we got back to the hotel last night i was like fucked up and emily had to take my shoes off but she couldn't she didn't know they had a strap so it took her and miles like a half hour to get my fucking shoes off my dead body uh so a tactical pants and air force ones did you tell everyone you were from brooklyn no i told everyone that my name was cole adderley like hey i'm cole adderley pleased to meet you fella this union is a blessed event the camo cowboy adderley says me, Cole Adderley, says. Anybody got any Adderall?

It's not my last name. That's Adderley, but I'm looking for Adderall. Adderall was actually the issue because I ate an Adderall at the wedding and was getting tanked, but I had the Adderall to back me up. And then as soon as the Adderall wore off, I just like hit a wall. Miles was like, yeah, it was zero to 100 real quick. Like you were singing songs on the bar and having fun playing that guy's guitar and then all of a sudden you were just outside with your hat in your hands puking into your hat yeah just fucking hat puking but i hung out for like an hour uh yeah i don't know it was fun i guess on the way home they were like how to carry me home because

i'm such a huge pant load just dead weight yeah and emily there was some lady with bad hair in front of us and emily says don't say anything about her hair and then i just said really loud cool hair dingus that was my fucking hot hot burn my blackout state hair sucks before we started recording i thought about how you're gonna have some wedding stories and it made me think of another wedding story that i have, which was a different wedding from when I got all wasted and started piling up all the chairs outside of the venue. That was dumb enough. But this other wedding was like a few years before I went to the wedding of a guy that I went to college with. And they had it was a great time big party everybody was drinking and i was drinking and uh a lot of people camped a lot of people brought tents and then slept uh near one

another in this like field and i get all wasted and then it's finally time to go to bed me and being different girlfriend to be uh embarrassed and angry uh at me and uh this one everybody's trying to go the next morning my friends are like hey did you end up getting laid last night and i'm like why and they're like oh everybody could hear you trying to bang your girlfriend for like an hour everybody's trying to go to bed and then they could hear me in my tent just being like, come on. What the hell? Let's fuck. And this girl. Sex begging in the tent.

Yeah. Just come on. Look, man. Nobody can hear anything. The tent is thick as hell. Right. Who cares? Just do it.

Just blow me. I swear I'll get hard this time yeah just awful uh this this uh this particular girlfriend was definitely uh very shy not uh super enthusiastic about like having to hang out with a bunch of people she didn't know and i you know i'm just like oh cooter lunchbox what's up you prick you know and like leaving pants and people and sack yeah i'm just loving life and then she has to like pretend to you know be interested in whoever the hell's getting married yeah but then yeah you're introducing her to your friends like rachel this is jizz this is butt plug over there we've got uh the man eater yeah

that's jimmy the rapist he's not a rapist it's just a fun story inside joke i'll tell you sometime and then i never do you never do yeah that so that was uh that was another another one for old sid come on let's just do it i don't know if collaterally is your train hobo name that's your cowboy wedding name but old sid came to that wedding yeah he was not invited come on just look at it use your hand i don't care just watch me jerk off then let me let me honk your boob while I jerk off. Yeah. Take a tit out and let me look at it and then I'll be sleeping in no time. See if I can.

Then you fall asleep with your dick in your hand. So, yeah, that was another another another win for old drinking lawn. That ended one story. London had a lot of wins. I remember old Sid rearing his ugly head wanting to fight people shoving people nothing pushes nothing but nothing behind the eyes i'm sure that was you last night just dead eyes oh yeah like there was this kid who came out he saw i was in deadwood and he's like a fan so he came and met me at one of the bars. And he was like, oh, cool.

I'm hanging out with Sam Talent. And I was just like, no. After the wedding? Yeah. Like, I wasn't allowed to play blackjack because I was so drunk. The guy was like, nope, get him out of here. Oh, shit. That sucked.

I also, like, lost $200. Like, couldn't find it? Or like an ass. No, I have no idea what happened to it. Misplaced it. Emily says she didn't steal it. He flushed it down a toilet thinking it was a slot machine. Come on, baby.

Come on, big bank theory. Give it up, you bitch. Come on, grace under fire slot machine. Because it's deadwood come on brad butler you old cow pay up you've got the money did she fuck the kid on that show uh what there was i think there was a weird there was something like that that happened right some she just disappeared yeah she's like goose or son or something i can't remember i think there was i think she was a nightmare on set because she was a she like popped pills and shit i can't remember

oh yeah i can't remember but that sounds vaguely familiar it's either her or reba McIntyre Reba's just shoving faces nah Reba's supposed to be dope yeah I know it's funny to imagine her being the nightmare though Brett Butler's cool I mean it's pretty cool to bang your sitcom son oh yeah just taking what you want Florence Henderson style

loho god my eyes are itching like i got fucking pink eye mine just mine just started too i wonder if the smoke's rolling back in it's rolling in on the horizon california doesn't know where to put their cigarettes and so my eyes have to itch for the next 10 years they go they go into the gravel you got to put them out with your foot before you just go traipsing off into your further adventures you californians oh it's pretty hard to put a cigarette out when you're shoeless you sacramento sluts yeah when your shoes are made out of fucking construction paper because it's better for the earth. Super easy to put a cigarette out with your

bare foot. Oh, I do it all the time. You knew that about me. I used to hustle the frat house I lived at with that trick. Okay. Go ahead and explain. You put a cigarette out on your heel. Everybody heel callous

is tough enough that it can take it. And yeah, a drunk guy though, if you tell him like i can put this out on my bare foot and not burn myself they'll put money on the line 100% of the time and then be very blown away when you can do it not thinking like i bet i can do that too and it's just a physiology thing i would have liked to have hustled that way as well sam can put a cigarette out in between his toes that's how gross he is yeah yeah i can't feel anything on my left foot i don't know what it is i'm always had this diabetes i think it's having a good time being too cool yeah yeah everyone knows your nerves die

when you're the coolest kid in school kicking too much ass my foot's numb kicking so much ass yeah it's a side effect of being bad to the bone wife uh i what was one time a girl like one of my ex-girlfriends put a cigarette out on her tongue when we were first hanging out and i was like well i'm gonna have to waste three years of my life on you that'll do it that's all i needed to see okay i am in that's signed sealed delivered yeah that's pretty good how was the uh scab my scab hers she put a cigarette out on her tongue oh no it's easy because you just oh you pull spit you pull spit in a little bowl in your tongue and then uh and then you look me

in the eye and look kind of like farruka balk from uh yeah wasn't her name from american history x no was it was it farruza balk yeah oh yeah farruza is a lot more legitimate that makes a lot more well it's just funny that you didn't know brother i am barely holding on okay 80 80 or for eight of your first 10 boners were for is a bulk and then you can't even remember her name come on put some respect on yeah i think janine melmits actually i think it was uh nell was the first boner i remember we got one yeah we got one It's my boner. I've got one. Also last night, apparently, I'm sure we all have COVID. Emily has COVID. I think I probably have COVID.

Oh, good. See you on Friday. Yeah, I'll see you on Friday. I don't care anymore. I'm just doing it. Who cares? Who cares? Big deal.

Suck my dick. We're in a tent. No one can hear me. No one will a tent. No one can hear me. No one will ever know. No one will hear me nothing here. It's a tent. Yeah, it's... If it rains... Oh, yeah, I know.

I invited you to this tent wedding. You're a lucky girl. Now, why don't you suck my tent wad? Yeah, I've been dancing for three hours. Of course it stinks. Duh, genius. You're so stupid. Yes, I wore two pairs of boxers in case I pissed my pants.

Yeah. I didn't want it to show right away. God, doy. No, I haven't want it to show right away God doy No I haven't been wiping Where am I going to get toilet paper Dumbass God suck me No one can hear us Why are you such a bitch at weddings

What's the matter with you No no one's knocking on the side of the tent. That's the wind. She can just hear everybody laughing. Seven couples are just giggling over two hours and I just won't shut the fuck up. You're like, fine. I'll just do it myself. You suck your own dick.

Yeah, this is the podcast now oh yeah this is a this is a free one if you want to hear the best one you got to sign up patreon yeah because we're coming we're coming down from the pinnacle oh yeah last this last patreon probably the best one ever and hey thanks for people not saying we were self-indulgent because we were laughing so fucking hard yeah we were getting each other real good and everybody was like this rules everybody was glad to be in the tent yeah everyone loved in the tent come on yeah that my friend is sleeping over there uh oh yeah but another thing happened we got in an elevator with the lady with the hair I guess on our way up to the hotel

and like they were getting along very well but they weren't wearing masks and I wasn't wearing a mask but anyway as I get off the elevator I turn around and I say people who don't wear masks are pussies and the guy was like fuck you and miles was like fuck you

the elevator door shut but i wasn't wearing a mask i mean it didn't make any sense i don't know what i was trying to do well what were they saying they were talking emily emily complimented emmy what you complimented her shoes yeah emily like complimented her shoes? Yeah, Emily complimented her shoes in the night as I got off the elevator. I was like, if you don't wear a mask, you're a pussy. In my cowboy hat. Maybe you had that on as a mask.

Dude, that cowboy hat really went to my head. Literally and figuratively. I felt like a whole different person. It's too bad you didn't have a black one to go with the black nikes i can't wear a black cowboy hat guy yeah you can you're the villain yeah i don't want to be the bad guy i want to be the good guy there was another cowboy there who was really cool and he could dance like a fucking bad boy he was such a good dancer and uh i really shit the bed because i first of all i went up to him and i was like you're the best cowboy here so that doesn't make any sense and then i go up to him and i'm like

hey so you're in a cowboy hat i'm in a cowboy hat i'm kind of new to it how do you think i'm doing he said i don't know how to answer that question and he walked away how do you think i'm doing what the fuck does that mean i mean i was pulling some fucking boner moves last night well were there other cowboy hats or was it just the two of you so you needed them yeah there's only two of us everybody else was dressed nice and then the two of you were like this is also nice i was dressed nice uh-huh it looks cool you still had the sticker on the pants that said 44 39 they were 48 40s when i tried those pants on at the army surplus i was like this is fucking hell it was terrible i couldn't handle it

why because they were dicky's pants they're all stiff so i was like i gotta go to target and get me some all-weather tactical pants and i did think i can't take it i don't get the hype on pants what's everyone doing let them breathe no they're dumb as so yeah and uh i wear dickies but they're so they're years old so they're nice and warm you know they're worn in they're soft the new stick new dickies yeah you you really want to buy them used but you don't see them used because people don't get rid of them until they just are obliterated in a windstorm well yeah i mean people die in them that's where you're that's right you bury me in my someone shit their pants and pissed as they died

yeah dickies either get completely destroyed uh after years of wear and tear or yeah or there's a bathroom incident and they have to be uh immediately you know prematurely but immediately put into a dumpster. You have to bury them at sea. They really retain stink. Dickies are nuts. I used to wear dickies without underwear. Oh man, at the end of the day, what a fucking scene.

So smelly. Like a hellacious odor. It's weird because that material's not meant to absorb sweat and if you do work sweat into it, it has almost like a... It reminds me of the seat in my grandpa's

car, the driver's seat of his car, reeked like his old butt. And that's what dickies smell like once you really get the stink in them. Would you drive the vehicle after grandpa was long gone and then you could smell it uh yeah it reeked like him so i my dad has the truck now so i can

still smell parts of my grandpa in there i'm getting weird man i'm starting to smell like my grandpa right now all right my sister like smelled one of my hats and was like oh my god it smells like grandpa what kind of truck uh i don't really want to tell the podcast it's a 1960 who cares becker you have a cool old truck nobody else cares i care about all your trucks it probably is my truck's got like 70 horsepower no this i don't know it's some shitty truck he got it to tow his boat with before he went batshit that's cool that your dad has it yeah i mean one would hate it a man going fishing with a boy i don't want to get fired up there's no fishing in that truck oh we went fishing man. Well, hopefully it was a private land because the public land doesn't need to be crammed with a couple of fucking related idiots not talking to each other.

Oh, we would talk. Fake bonding through fish. Like, oh, hey, look at us. This counts. I definitely don't hate you. Oh, I don't hate you either because we're gritted teeth fishing. Look, you grew up in a different place than I did. My grandfather

told me he loved me every day and vice versa. My family says I love you way too much. It would freak people out. Oh, yeah. Whenever we would leave the room, we'd be like, all right, I love you. We're like, I'm going to the grocery store. Okay, I love you. That makes sense. You're leaving.

Anything could happen. I'm going to take a dump. All right store okay love you very strange that makes sense you're leaving anything could happen once again i'm gonna take a dump all right i love you love your dumps i'm gonna go get laid yeah all right love you come back soon i'm going to the tent yeah my dad and mom are sleeping in the next tent all right they made me okay they can't be embarrassed about us doing it now open up spread them open your mouth the airplane's coming it's september 11th yeah you Oh, hey, check this out. Open the hanger. Okay. So last week, I helped get this art exhibit out of storage for this woman, my neighbor. And she painted little pieces of wood of each firefighter that died on 9-11. And so there's, I think, 343 of these little pieces of wood they're a little burnt you know and most of them look really really good some of them look funny because she said some of them she had like bad photographs of the person so they look kind of

you know silly but most of them are great you know and it's crazy to see all these uh all these dudes that died on the same day you know and she told me about some of them after we got it hung up and she pointed out one guy and she was like that guy was the first firefighter that was killed on 9-11 as soon as he showed up to the world trade center a fucking jumper landed on him and i was like oh my god like you know that there's awful stories but for that to be you both go to heaven at the same time. And I was like, what happened? And it's like, I don't fucking know.

I just showed up. As your souls are riding to heaven, just the guy being like, my bad, dude. Dude, I saw you. It's not like I could change trajectory. Once I jumped, I jumped. And I was going to land wherever I landed. Yeah, quit bitching. God.

Yeah, shut up. God, you're a firefighter. You know how much pussy you must have got? Yeah. I was an accountant in the World Trade Center. I would have gotten another 40 years if you hadn't crushed me. Yeah. Some big fat lady lands on you.

That's the funniest way to die. Yeah, you're just a part of the sidewalk you can't even be identified anymore yeah you're smushed by carol she's wearing a cap sweater because of the load just a cowardly load the load from above it's funny because you're like a brave guy one of the bravest people alive and then you run into burning buildings and someone is such a pussy that they jump out of one and then just smash you

what fucking pussies everyone who died in 9-11 I like that idea that if you didn't just sit there and burn alive you were a pussy yeah come on the smoke will take you

you jump out a window nut up that's like the coolest way that you could go is having that free fall of like holy shit this is amazing yeah panama just like skydiving without any of the fear of the worst case scenario because it is the worst case scenario so you just you just know ahead of time you're like all right i'm not

getting my money back stop eating i'm sorry i'm so hungry oh hungry where was this uh supposed wedding in south dakota i know everything is in rapid city you said deadwood dog actually in deadwood yeah it was so cool deadwood's like central city yeah a little adult playground yeah everyone's wild bill hill kickoffator. They had single deck $5 blackjack. That's hard to come by for sure. I lost so much money and then this morning when we left, the guy who got

married was on the craps table and I was like, well, I got to get rid of this $80. So I went and I played craps and I won like $340. Awesome. Because I give Emily money and she, you know, blows it on lollipops or makeup or whatever the fuck she's up to.

I want to play Blackjack. Next thing I see, she's got a foam finger and some popcorn. It's like, alright. A t-shirt from Deadwood. Hey, I played Keno in Deadwood, South Dakota

I won $12 and called my mom to tell her Check out this sick shirt that I got Jesus Christ Deadwood Motor Company, home of the Second Amendment You're cutting the sleeves off, right? No, I like a long sleeve. Oh, it's long sleeve. I thought it was short sleeve. You can't cut long sleeves off. No, no. Long sleeves rock

and I'm a bad boy now. You paid extra for the sleeves. I paid $33 for that shirt and I didn't want to, but Emily hated it. I got to the counter and I was like, I'm going to buy it. And then she rang it up and it was 33 dollars and i was like god don't mind paying for this that's how hard this shirt rocks

definitely not a joke shirt yeah definitely didn't think this was $12. I'm sure a lot of things. Well, that's what sucks is like most things are cheaper up there and then some things are definitely jacked up for the tourists like stupid t-shirts or a pair of dice or a cowboy hat.

A t-shirt rules and I also bought a bolo tie up there that was way too much money but everything else was pretty affordable yeah but gas was 250 yeah you're eating so i should cover well in becker news uh smoking inside he said he wasn't gonna the pipe the pipe experiment is over i want no i wanted to have a pipe you guys rang me when i had a pipe you should only be allowed to. The pipe experiment is over. No, I wanted to have a pipe. You guys harangued me when I had a pipe. You should only be allowed to smoke a pipe when you're on the podcast. We didn't harangue you.

Sam made fun of me pretty extensively. I had to edit it. I heard it twice. Yeah, your buddy was right next to you. Yeah, a little cypress or whatever his name was. Mike. Mike, yeah. I think it was some weird name like that the type of tree man fucking the groomsmen all sucked so hard how how many how many in the wedding party 12 eight oh god what a eight on each side such a stupid way to go i'll bet you show anybody from the early

1900s 1930s hey look this is how many people are in wedding parties parties now they would all just kill themselves right then to end the bloodline like my family name's not going out like that and they would just fucking end it because it looks ridiculous guess what you have three best friends they're your closest friends chop it down to three maybe four if it's your three best friends and then a sister or a brother and there's your four all right it's not eight it's not 11 oh my god it looks so dumb it was bad well it's always because you know the the girls don't want to hurt the other girls' feelings. Oh, yeah, because they all give a shit.

Because they all give a shit about standing up there instead of sitting off to the side. Because it's really about you kind of, too. You get a little taste. Well, I was smart because I was able to sneak you in as an extra groomsman by having you do the ceremony. Oh, yeah. You won your wedding because you have more people up there. Typically, it's a stalemate. ceremony oh yeah you won you won your wedding because you have more people up there typically it's a stalemate it's a bitter back and forth and then you settle on you know nine or whatever the

you know the husband wants uh two and then you know the the the bride is like well what about my brother and it's like we don't even talk and it's like yeah he sucks yeah your brother hates that we bang remember that time when we were in the tent and he was laughing at us i was trying to fuck you yeah your brother hates me because i plow you we have to set out a chair for my uncle you know because uh he can't he passed away yeah wasn't he that pussy that died in 9-11? Didn't he take out one of New York's finest in his last act on Earth? Wasn't he one of those wusses

that left out of the burning building? Jeez. We'll set out a chair for him. A toilet. He put a toilet at the table alright everyone go ahead feel free to fill it up either hole it's what he would have liked

this is the wildest free one who cares excuse me my wife and I will be in the tent dude on my wedding night Emily was, we were all fucked up. And she's like, hey, we got to consummate this thing. And I was like, what?

And she was like, yeah, yeah, so let's do it. And I shoved the dinner soft and came real quick. And she was like, all right, we're married. I was like, that sucked. I'm sorry. She had to get plan B. Yeah. No, she's got, you you know whatever that thing is oh yeah uh she took out her d she took out her own vagina

yeah she did she did rip her iud out one time it was rough whoa yeah it sucked all right look like a wishbone did it start uh tickling her no she's trying to pull a tampon she's too stupid to know which pussy hole's the right one so there's like a damn iud papa you having fun with that thing she got a dui yes i am it's very tasty good yeah she actually had an ied in there yeah and yeah and she started to hear it started to hear it count down from 10 she was like oh shit i don't know i knew it i shouldn't have gone to the vets hospital i gotta go to kabul uh man oh yeah but all the groomsmen were all turds oh yeah geez we got completely off off track of that that's all right well one of it was funny because uh there was this one guy they're all his like rugby friends uh you know and matt and molly are two of the sweetest people

but they're just surrounded by all these fucking you know tards from seven different continents and uh one of them was named hector he's a guy from mexico who lives in germany and like identifies as a fascist he's like straight up like yeah uh politically i think i'm a fascist and we were like oh boy all right well you're the least interesting man alive rugby and fascism huh all right what's your what's this next guy's deal oh hockey and communism? Cool. A step up. But yeah, everyone was standing. Everyone stood during the ceremony

like the other groomsmen with their hands in front of their dick, that classic pose. Yeah. And then he stood like an action figure. He stood like a fucking creative player. Just up there with his tits out. And he was like, God, I want to fucking put him in a burlap bag and reenact 9-11 i can get rid of some dead weight soon to be soon to be dead weight so but then there was this one guy who looked exactly like another guy but he was

miniature we kept calling him little mike and he hated it they weren't friends they well they were friends but it's like they never realized they look exactly the same except for one was just like you know honey honey i shrunk the mic nobody told them yeah never they've been friends for like 20 years and i was like whoa you look like him but small and everyone was like no way what who is this guy Who is this guy? Who is this space cowboy? Record scratch. Oh, and the DJ, dude. Emily was straight up rude to the DJ on various times.

He sucked so bad. He didn't have a playlist. He went around table to table and was like, what request do you have? And we were like, are you fucking kidding? What are you talking about? That's what Miles said to him. He's like, are you talking about that's what miles said to him he's like are you fucking kidding what are you gonna open with and he was like i'll figure it out and it's like okay we're gonna save you here's what you do dj freestyle yeah dj blowing it when you want the dance floor to open up play mia paper planes Paper Planes. All right? You're welcome.

That gets everyone juiced. Everybody's going to do the cash register and then the gunshots. Oh, the gunshots. Everyone loses their minds. All right? It doesn't matter if you're black, white, Mexican. Everyone loves that song. If you're Big Mike or Little Mike, Hector the Fascist. And then, of course, you got to play Friends in Low Places.

That's going to tear this room in half and it did friends in low places really like leveled the place man everyone was losing it yeah that's a good one oh it's such a banger i love that song so much my it's also fun to sing uh i showed my roots i showed up in boots and ruined your black guy affair whoa nice yeah it's fun my sister at uh before ahead of her wedding talked to uh our friend invited our you were there our friend dj'd oh yeah it was and she was like my sister i was ready to pout you idiot god we had a we had a wonderful time it was we really did it was it was one of the best way i mean some great weddings for sure yours my sisters cam and michelle adam and

katie all there was not that one you were booked uh no i was not invited well that's cool i get it yeah you would have uh blacked out falling down the stairs at mercury cafe you write a better book than someone they don't invite you to their wedding after the fact he knew he knew that you would one day write a great book um but yeah no for my my sister was like listen i don't want any of the typical My sister was like, listen, I don't want any of the typical bullshit wedding songs. She didn't want any of the ones that you think of right away because she doesn't have a connection to them. She didn't want to hear them.

And our friend was like, got it. I'll come up with some good stuff. They continue to talk. I'm sure Kim and Evan gave this person, this alleged her, some info. And then right as soon as the dance floor opens up, the first song is Celebrate by Kool and the Gang. And my sister was like, what the fuck? What? That's so hacky.

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Yahoo! Yeah, my sister's like, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na. Yeah. Who? Yeah. My sister's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. This song that's in every wedding movie. So, yeah, that was funny. My wedding was so good.

Your wedding was great. I just saw Facebook showed me like a week ago. I saw a clip. Somebody filmed me dancing after the wedding at the house we all stayed in. I was doing the suspenders dance, which I was leaning on real hard. But when you're wearing suspenders, it's hard not to use them as a dance crutch. And right there, you don't know what to do with your hands when you're dancing. So problem solved uh so yeah i was just just really uh leaning heavily on the suspenders going up and down alternating you know

looks kind of cool for five seconds but if you do it for you know an hour straight diminishing returns yeah also your thumbs hurt at that point. Your thumbs are chafed. You got smoke coming out of them. Mm-hmm. My Uncle Tom was at the after party just, like, you know, winking at women. Like, no, he wasn't going to fuck them, but he was letting them know that he was a hot piece of ass, and all these women kept coming up to me and being like,

God, your uncle is so fucking sexy. Really? I want to take him in the tent. Yeah, it was nuts. Bang him in the middle of the lake. Yeah i told him i was like ladies are looking at you and he's like oh i know they are oh by the way i got a bunch of chiggers on my ankles oh shit i got bit up by chigs man no and you didn't know till the next day i didn't know what the hell they were until emily took my shoes off last night and she was like what the fuck is going on with your ankles and then she identified them as chigs shit yeah

does it itch yeah it itches it sucks nice you're back to itching the shit out of your body yeah i can't stop itching and look i was like oh yeah i've been itchy for like a while and she's like well this is insane and i'm like baby you get rashes it's part of being an adult like what i'm supposed to stop and tell you every time breaking news i have a rash we wouldn't get anything done it'd be nothing left to talk about if i told you about every weird thing my body was up to am i supposed to bother you with this kind of shit she's like well yeah you got this is bad i mean maybe i have bugs living in me i'm not sure the bugs are coming from inside of the body the bugs are coming from inside the house

oh it feels so good to itch god well at least as long as you didn't have any ticks down there then you don't have to worry about Lyme disease. Don't think I had any ticks. We were constantly worried about Lyme. I kept having the 10-year-old search my body whenever we got back to the house. That was fun. I thought only

deer ticks carried Lyme disease and they're too tiny to see. They're like gnats. You're fucked. Could be. I mean, I have been feeling pretty loggy. I did sleep 18 hours yesterday, but... You're all hungover.

Oh, I'm so hungover, dude. Oh, wait, you meant you said yesterday. I was lying. I was doing a little bit. Oh. Doing my patented goofs. But yeah, I just can't quit itching. We have a bunch of bugs down here,

which is annoying because it's 6,000 Feet and it's the desert Kind of you know mountain Desert so I was like oh cool 6,000 feet no No mosquitoes can survive But we also we have the damn River going right through town so it's a nightmare

We got too much water Not enough for you know the next Hundred years but enough to chat my ass right now man trinidad is so great every every week you just tell me a new fun fact about why it's the best oh millions of bugs millions of different types of bugs mosquitoes i'm sure we got chiggers mosquitoes we got stink bugs they smell like shit yeah bugs coming out of my ears over i took another bite of the bagel yeah i didn't see until it was too late you gotta have your eyes on me my eyes are watering because i'm all stuffed up because i guess because of the smoke no you're crying because you're jealous that i'm eating

thinking about the tent you're crying yeah i had to have we went up to colorado springs today so i could get my phone screen repaired big day oh it was it was huge we went to one of the best dog parks that we've been to bear creek dog park that's where megan broke her ankle oh shit the scene of the crime we return we return there to make positive memories and uh that was really nice. And then went to Natural Grocers, got a bunch of fake meat because, you know, I got to accept it. I can't keep acting like I can have meat. I think I can have it every two weeks.

I used to think I could do it every week, but I don't think I can. I think it's got to be twice a month. I can let loose. I can go buck wild. But other than that, outside of think it's got to be twice a month. I can let loose. I can go buck wild. But other than that, outside of that, I got to be a good boy. So I got these fucking fake meats.

They put, they, they, they're fake sausages and they put them in the casing, you know, like, like they're cased. And it's like,

come on, you're just making it hard to open. You're not fooling me. You know, I'm not going to be like, oh, this is meat. Why don't you just eat tofu and vegetables? Eat a bunch of vegetables.

But sometimes it's nice to have, if you can get the right texture, and nine out of ten of these plant-based meats don't get the texture, but if you can get it close, then it's just nice. It just fools you for a brief moment. I can be like, this is these are the these are the times of our lives yeah i'm really living right now oh man i'm fooling my brain into thinking that i'm responsible with what i put into my body smoking a pipe i'm itching my ankles i'm eating fake meat dream come true it doesn't get better than this it's funny to think of all of the uh giant loads

that i know that can have as much meat as they want and then me uh i get singled out by god i get i get made fun of by the angels above and because you're like king load i yeah but i thought i thought i was just some piece of shit amongst millions that could go undetected but no i get a spotlight i mean it's like you are not allowed to do what everybody you know does every day and eat a bunch of meat i'm glad you're taking it personal yeah i'm glad you have a martyr complex about your gout i'm pissed why me ask emily why me out of why does lund have gout? Why doesn't everyone have gout?

Out of six billion people, I'm one of the people that, oh, you quit drinking? Cool. Do you think you're going to be able to eat as much meat as you want as like, you know, a penance as a pivot? No, you can't eat meat either. Emily just responded. She doesn't fucking care. Yeah. Good call.

Yeah. She said, I don't know, dude. I don't fucking care. Yeah. No. I said. God doesn't care either. I she said i don't know dude i don't fucking care god doesn't care either i said i don't know bro i'm fucking tired yeah nice yeah she's tired she had a big day wait is she working on saturday this saturday yeah she working on her birthday yeah i don't know if she had to work during the day she's been gone for like two weeks out of the last month and a half. People are dying. She's not working on her birthday. I just wanted to make sure I took a couple of shows Saturday night, but I'll be there Saturday during the day. You took shows on Saturday night.

You're not going to be at the party. Well, I'll be at the party, but yeah. Is he serious? Except what shows did you take? Oh, up here.

Uh, opening for Billy Wayne Davis Saturday. Where? The church of cannabis. Jesus Christ. He's not going to be here. opening for Billy Wayne Davis Saturday where? the Church of Cannabis Jesus Christ he's not going to be here no I'm going to come up Friday night he's doing a cool show at the Church of Cannabis with his good friend Billy Wayne Davis I'm going to go

I'm going to go up there Friday and hang out Saturday until I have to go back down I'm going to make it work you're not coming on the boat then? I am going to come on the boat this is what I'm going to make it work. You're not coming on the boat then? I am going to come on the boat. This is what I'm going to do. Friday. Do Lucha Libre and Laughs. Friday night. Go up to Fort Collins with you.

Hang out. Saturday during the day. Hang out. Do whatever Emily wants. Rub her feet. Then I have to go back down to Denver. Do the shows. Then I'll come back up. Catch the cool part of the party. He's been lying to me now for like two minutes no he's gonna do the show and come up and spend the night friday and then he's gonna hang out

with you all day on saturday because he can act like he actually give a shit when he doesn't and then he's gonna go do some fucking stupid show with billy wayne davis at some fake money laundering church and then he he's going to come back up here to get to the cool part of the party. The Church of Cannabis? Yeah. So anyway, Lund just fucking... Why don't you just fuck my dog in front of me, you know?

I am. That's what I'm going to do when I get to the party late, to crank it up. I hope that you come up here and you penetrate Gordy. Gordy's licking his lips right now he's stoked i'll make up for the lost time by really coming in hot okay well she says that as long as you don't fuck her over again she'll let this one slide and i'm and i'm gonna hang out sunday he's hanging out sunday too he's coming on the boat i'm sleeping friday i'm sleeping saturday and i'm spending the night both nights we can do whatever during the day i just figured i'll do the shows man i gotta do some shows yeah you need to do shows that's why you moved to trinidad you

idiot i didn't like the idea of him asking if i could do shows uh i had for his album tapings and he was saying no i have to go to a birthday party as an, no, I have to go to a birthday party. As an adult, come on. I have to go to Sam Talent's wife's 30th birthday party. My best friend and my best friend's friend, Emily. My best friend's husband.

Yeah. Whoa, so you're best friends with her and not me? No. God, I keep finding out the worst stuff today. That was the joke. No, it's not funny. I'm just going to kill myself. Listen, I'm bringing a sleeping bag. Hopefully I don't need it because I'll be crammed in between the two of you. Well, if you get in the tent, don't bring Emily in there.

Nothing happens in the tent. I blow it. I blow it every time. I'm just going to end it. I'm going to sleep in the tiki bar. You could sleep in the bar. No, I think I'll bring a sleeping bag, but I'll just crash...

Wait, Katie's not coming, right? Yeah, no, you have your own room, stupid. Whoa. You're sleeping in my room. This isn't good, Pod. What are we doing? I don't know. I thought we were done.

No, I'm just kidding. People like it. Do they like this? They like me telling Lumber where he's gonna sleep at my wife's party even though he's probably not gonna come they like that yeah all these shows like pretending they're uh friends with you guys like that's what podcasting is about they are our friends becker we have i know but that's what it's all about nobody's mad about this we have 500 groomsmen. Every episode. Turn that shit off. I'm at work right now. She just did the jerk-off motion.

Emily Olivia Talon just hit me, her husband, with the jerk-off motion. Do you like eating Chipotle whenever you want? This is how daddy puts money in your purse like all those purses that i gave you all those coach knockoffs i'd ruined one of her purse with tuna fish oh my god what the fuck i bought some tuna salad from a deli and put it in her purse and then she got home and it leaked in there and she had to throw the purse away. God, I can't believe you even got the tuna fish into the purse. How did that happen?

She was so tired that she just gave up. Yeah, she had worked an 18 hour day and I was like, don't worry, baby, I'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'm just smuggling tuna in her purse. Oh, she didn't know, right? She didn't know. No, she did know. She signed off on it. We were at the beach.

You were like, look, there's a thin piece of scotch tape along the middle of this Tupperware. It's practically vacuum sealed. She said it was an honor and her duty to serve me. What beach? Tuna Beach? she said it was an honor and her duty to serve me what beach tuna beach no this is when we were in michigan it was at lake michigan which rules man no sharks no salt no worries that's a little thing that i say uh People like it. You're worried about salt? Well, you know, salt water. Drinking too much salt water? You can't help it.

When you're in a body of water, you just end up gulping mouthfuls in the ocean. You have to be on high alert. Well, I'm a filter feeder. I swim with my mouth open, so I can call the plankton I need. Just cramming salt water Getting dehydrated as well Oh hey before I forget We

Plugged it on a Patreon episode But we have to plug the shirts Chubby Behemoth shirts Are available now through our friend Nicole If you go to her Instagram page It's at ThreadDeli303 And you just ask her Yeah ThreadDeli303 She makes all kinds of cool shit her instagram page it's at thread delhi 303 and you just ask her name yeah thread delhi 303 she

makes all kinds of cool shit but uh tell her that you want a chubby behemoth an official chubby behemoth shirt yeah not the knockoffs or something the aurora mall she's yeah she's selling uh a cheaper version but we say get the real magilla. And yeah, it's $20 plus shipping. So I think you'll pay her and then she'll pay us. Eventually, twice a year, I think, is what we worked out. She has a great lawyer who fucked me over royally with smooth talking and Latin jargon. I told you not to sign anything unless I was there.

It was an e-sign. I didn't think it counted. I was like, oh, an electronic signature. signature and i did the jerk off motion and he was like this counts as a signature and i was like i'll bet it does where'd you go u of m all right i thought i had him i was like go spartans and then university of maine turns out legally binding so uh so itchy emmy we make 10 cents a shirt she gets the rest but you know so buy the shirts get on the patreon you know that's a good thing to do yeah definitely get the shirts because they're cool uh the design is by a comic where is he from

cincinnati definitely get the patreon the shirt shirts are stupid we shouldn't be wearing shirts we should all be nude shut up get a shirt stop negging the uh new merch yeah get a shirt do everything lun says i have a long sleeve ready for you thanks to nicole well thanks nicole i don't have it i'm bringing it up on friday unless i forget a lot of stuff unless you don't come because you're gonna hang out with a cooler boy i'll probably forget i'm hanging out with billy wayne wednesday thursday so friday i'm all yours saturday split custody be an adult and then i'm gonna go to that uh that show and retone i don't know there's some people there's a there's that guy jason with rape on his knuckle yeah you got rape and hopefully he'll show

up i actually i think he is supposed to be there so i'm gonna try and fucking get to the bottom of that i'm probably gonna get that imprinted on my forehead because he's gonna catch me staring and he's gonna fucking pop me one oh well london becker you gotta bring this one home i'm uh i'm all out of gas over here we're the last episode on the patreon is the best one they've done yet. So it's definitely worth going to check out for that, if nothing else. Yeah, please give us the money.

I want to get so powerful that I don't need anyone. I've started to get jealous looking at... You know what happens on Twitter a lot? People have been outing or shaming some of the popular podcasters for making money off of their work. And so I've seen some of the numbers that pods can get up to. And it's like, oh, yeah, give it to me.

We just have to keep cranking them. And next thing you know, we'll be a part of the elite. I'm going to start a rival because OnlyFans is ending, right? Yeah. So I'm just going to start a website. It's called Pussies Only. It's going to be two things. It's going to be women's vaginas

and then at the bottom it's going to be a scroll of all the people who jumped out of the buildings on 9-11. There was like 200 people that jumped. That's a solid scroll. Oh yeah, that'll be good. It's going to have their family's home phone numbers you dox them yeah uh weenus uh there's a documentary about a uh wad of a woman like a real toad who uh said that she was like in 9-11 and got rescued by a firefighter who died and it was all

made up damn it was just complete horseshit this lady was just a wad and not steve ran as easy no this is uh the late a lady just like a little four foot ten woman who told everybody that would listen that she was like there and she totally wasn't and uh just a wild ride there was also a documentary about a lady named misha who said that she when she was a little girl in uh belgium she had to like or no she had to walk yeah she had to walk from belgium to germany to like try to find her parents she was seven and uh there were there was a pack of wolves that walked with her for uh some of that journey and it was all fucking bullshit she was some catholic she wasn't a jew

she just fibbed she holocaust fibbed well that's the ultimate that's the ultimate way to get to be cool oh fuck oh man that kimchi's coming back up no what about this so it's a website it's a website all right and you get it and it tells you like hey there's some people you know like there's some chicks that you think are hot that you've known forever and you always wanted to see their boobs they're on this website and we're going to show you five series of photos and four of them are going to be cool chicks tits that you've always wanted to see and then one of them is going to be like your sisters or your moms so if you want to see all these cool ones that you've always you know jerked to secretly we're going to also show you your moms or your sisters

and if you jerk off to those ones, then you get another free week on the website. What is that called? Dilemma.com? Yeah. Mortal dilemma. That's how we're going to make all of our money. It's great.

Depravitysquared.com. Yeah. It's called the, you you know the devil's inferno oh god the lazy over here from hell chips i want some ships man well what do you got a plug being hung over on keto sucks so much oh yeah oh yeah no carbs in there to help fight the war on the ground yeah you can't just cram yourself with fucking quesadillas and you got no boots in the dirt oh listen to this i had a stacker of a tostada last night shut up we had hard shell uh tostadas bean tostadas megan made the beans herself she made the beans so we had a bunch of beans another one

of your lies some tostadas beans whatever and then at the end of the night i'm like so full but there's five shells or no there's four shells left and i want to like put them in the pantry you know i want them gone i want them out of my house so i finish them off uh It was like a World Trade Center, basically, but with beans and cheese and Ortega brand hard shell tostadas. See, that's bravery. I can get behind that. Oh, yeah. I jumped on that grenade of bean cheese and corn tortilla. You know, you can't have beans and you can't have tortillas either.

You can't have beans. What a stupid fucking way to live. You can't have beans. You have gout. Remember? Oh, I can have beans what a stupid fucking way to live you can't have beans you have gout remember oh i can have beans remember the only interesting thing about you you have beans and mushrooms have purines but i don't think it's enough you'd have to really cram so much beans and mushrooms in order for it to cause a flare-up so i don't think you should have to wear like a bracelet like when people have a nut allergy or something. It just says, like, do not feed me meat.

I can't help myself, so don't feed. Fuck, this man needs 10 cc's of meat. No, he can't. Thank God he had the bracelet on. Look at the bracelet. The bracelet barely fits. The bracelet's covered in barbecue sauce. Well, yeah. Plug something except for your own butthole uh what do we got man who cares there's still tickets friday for lucha libre i'm just gonna kill myself

and then yeah saturday is uh billy wayne davis international church of cannabis it's a cool building uh i'll bet we're in like the main room which is very cool the the ceiling is uh really trippy uh crazy looking mural uh there's a lot of like i think there's stained glass windows and uh some great uh art on the walls so uh billy wayne's one of the funniest comics around for sure. I agree with that. Billy Wayne totally rules and you should go see him and Lund. That'll be good. Yeah. Saturday night.

There's two shows. That's the 28th, which is my wife's birthday, where you were supposed to be here for. But I'm going to I'm going to see the first jello shot that she takes and the last. I will be there. i'll be there to tuck everybody in at night all right i hope so because people are gonna be like fuck lun laughs unless you idiots all go to bed at midnight well if we rage then i'll i'll get all the all the late night rage in i'll get no one's going to bed at midnight i got a bunch of fucking crystal meth you better take some now i do i need it you should have taken some at the beginning of the pod

instead of all that kimchi yeah i'm sorry people i got all kimchi but lun did a good job becker smoked the pipe uh subscribe to my mailing service i'm sending out not just something i wrote this month but a short story from adam kate and holland as well so if you want to read an unreleased short story from him go ahead and get on samtalent.com buy some tickets to come see me september 7th at oh yeah my specials premiere waiting for death to claim us live at the sloan's lake alamos draft house here in denver i'm gonna be there yeah lun's gonna be there probably moderating the whole thing and uh you know what I could do is I could do a live riffing over the special Mile High of Sci-Fi style.

Yeah. You punch up my schedule. I just get in there. At the end of a joke, people laugh. I'm like, yeah, right. That was fake laughter. That was sweet and in there. That was definitely canned.

You just keep accusing me. That joke's stolen. Yeah. that was definitely canned you just keep accusing me of that joke stolen yeah yeah i just say i just say who those jokes were originally by i'm like john panetta that's robin robin williams oh john panetta again oh shit greg giraldo come on dude he's dead john panetta's dead too oh yeah he is but you know that is hell john panette jumped off of uh tower two he crushed seven firefighters he was doing he was doing a lunch show he was like ah you don't come back here again you You eat so much food. He did the voice. He did the voice so much. Everybody loved it when he did it.

Yeah, Chinese voice is fun. You don't do it on this pod. You could do it in the 90s. Yeah, those were the days. We only do it when we're doing an impression of a white person who did it. So I don't know. I think our hands are clean. You only do it when I'm explaining why Shane Gillis is bad.

It's commentary uh as well uh no and then september 8th come to the premiere in fort collins uh the lyric oh yeah and shit if you live in phoenix i'm coming to phoenix september third i'll be down there in old Phoenix. Where? Some fucking tattoo shop. I can't remember. And then I'm doing June Jam in Flagstaff. Look, guys, this is falling apart.

I'm sorry. Usually I deliver so hard on this pod that everyone comes and shits. Go to OnlyFans.com slash Sam Talent. Yeah, go to PussiesOnly or whatever. Go to CramMyHole. Jerk off to a picture of your grandma's knockers. You've been dead. How'd you get these? Go to ConfusedBoner.com

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