Chubby Behemoth - Comedy For Motorcycles

Episode Date: August 23, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/   SPONSORS: Chubbies - Your new wardrobe awaits! Get $10 off @chubbies with the code CHUBBY at https://www.chubbiesshorts.com/CHUBBY #chubbiespod   He...lloFresh - Support the show and get up to 10 free HelloFresh meals at https://www.hellofresh.com/CHUBBY10FM   PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys are all together in Charlotte! Sam tells the boys the meanest thing he’s said to someone on stage, reminds the boys about a couch shenanigan from the night before, and tells the story of the Chex journey. Nathan pretty much did everything in the car except call Sam a theater kid, hasn’t got low on anyone in a long time, and got to do the Flair Flop on stage. Went full Kattan.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Really? Well. Maybe. No, I think it's your breath mixed with your high potency THC seltzer that you're having here at 9.30 a.m. That's probably it. When you said, let's rise and grind last night, I was like, dude, it's 3.30. We've been watching wrestling clips. You said rise and grind last night?
Starting point is 00:00:17 No, no, he did. He did. He's like, I want to be angelic and I want coffee. Let's rise and grind. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about, dude? And again, it was after he had three of those. you know, the chicken tenders it took us three and a half hours to
Starting point is 00:00:33 require. But yeah, he was like tomorrow, 9.30, we're going to start potting. And I said, you're fucking psycho and you're like, you know what, I am. Let's make it 915. Here we are. It's 931. I'm still wearing my pajamas.
Starting point is 00:00:50 Okay, that's where that came. That's where that came from. It's 730. Unfortunately. Shout out to Big Willie Soul. which sounds like a fake name or a black wrestler, but Big William Soul got me this sick ass pizza shirt, which I would never, ever get for myself despite like,
Starting point is 00:01:11 it's an object that I want because I value it as art, and also I make a lot of T-shirts. Yeah. Why would you not get it? Why would you not get it? Because, well, these specific ones, this was the one that I wanted, was the Pokemon. He did 151, the original 151.
Starting point is 00:01:25 And then you would just, like, buy one, and you'd get it randomly assigned. but I've also heard that ass pizza like most geniuses struggles with shipping things on time yeah like some of our greatest minds you know
Starting point is 00:01:39 have an aversion to the post office so I didn't want to like roll the dice no no no salt to ass pizza I admire you very much young man but it's cool to have one yeah you have a cool shirt too yeah where am I gonna wear this church church is chicken
Starting point is 00:01:54 where I live for a job when I work in the back Yeah, but then there's an emergency out front and I'm forbidden from helping because I'm wearing this you guys butt and butt 690ing shout out fancy lad
Starting point is 00:02:10 that was in a care package Yeah, we get to look real cool now Dude, we're cool guys It's nuts The glow up We're getting haircuts You shave Yeah, I shave
Starting point is 00:02:24 You're Mark Gagnon Okay You're Mark Gastinoe. You're Steve Gastonoff. You're Steve Gastino. A comedian slash metal sculpturist. Oh, I do know. We talked about him today.
Starting point is 00:02:36 He was better sculpturist. He had some stuff, but God, he was so, just yelling. And then it's so hard to do that in 20, what, 14, 15, like angry yelling guy. And then it comes back, obviously, but not in comedy president is Steve Gassano. But then even we. or for him to still be yelling with like a guy like him. I don't know if he was a Trump guy. And he's yelling and he's doing this all the time.
Starting point is 00:03:04 Being pissed. For 20 minutes. Making fun of anything and everything that's not him. Yeah. One of the most insane lines of us. And that was okay sometimes. Some of those crowds ate his, ate that shit up.
Starting point is 00:03:15 Almost famous. When I'm finally almost famous in comedy works. I'm hosting guest set Ron Ferguson. Feature Steve Gastino. Headliner Hippie Man. You want to talk about it. crazy lineup, dude. It's me, young, more absurd, you know, sillier on stage.
Starting point is 00:03:33 Yeah. And then into Ron Ferguson, God bless him, you know. Tribute act. The hits. Tribute to the troops. I'm going to try to kill Sam. Motorcycle comedy. It's comedy for motorcycles.
Starting point is 00:03:56 Not motorcycle riders Yeah, Ron Ferguson We tried to call Doug Standup tried to call Ron and be like hey So we co-wrote a joke huh But he didn't answer I called him from my phone He didn't answer
Starting point is 00:04:11 And then for the next week I got frantic calls from Ferguson And text being like Hey you're ready to get a hold of me Hey what's going on Hey whatever it pays I'll do it Yeah exactly Whoever it is I'll kill him
Starting point is 00:04:21 God Yeah and then Gastino Old Gastino He was around and then he wasn't Gastineau should have had a bandana on. He's that kind of guy. Baldhead. He should have had like the undertaker bandana and the snake skin pants.
Starting point is 00:04:36 And then a hippie man getting up, who's an excellent comedian, but the opposite energy of everyone else on the lineup. Yeah. Well, yeah, to end with calm, chill. Good jokes. Like you have to listen to every word. Hippie man. God, what a master.
Starting point is 00:04:51 I just talked to Dr. Kev for like 10 minutes and it was like, dude, we were lucky because So many scenes, we've said this before, but so many scenes, the guys above were all, it was a lot of Ferguson. A lot of Fergis. And also Ron was always cool. Yes. That's not what I'm saying. Ron was always cool. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:10 So I'm not saying, but some of them very much protective of their spots. I mean, Chuck Roy was, you got to Chuck Roy. We had some bullies. Fucking gay monster. Some scenes. Chuck Roy. No. Yes.
Starting point is 00:05:24 Yeah. I'm not saying that he was. monstrous gay is the patreon or no no i mean he is the only gay person his bio gay monster i've ever heard who told me that he really enjoyed turning straight boys yeah he loved turning straight boys you're bleeding we're talking about gay guys my shin is bleeding we're in our pride
Starting point is 00:05:43 classic pie we're glowing up you're talking about ferguson i'm almost throwing up becker getting involved i mean we're hitting all the keynotes yeah dude I did Chuck and look he was he was probably the best at comedy right so there was that too right and don't get me wrong and he did a bunch of shit and helped us whatever
Starting point is 00:06:05 great guy don't want to get it into all of that turned out to be nasty towards the end and I think he's doing great now I fucking he's doing well now at Vine Street it was the meanest thing I've ever said on stage face to face with someone who's in the room I've said a lot of bad stuff about people aren't there to defend themselves but me and Chuck are in the debate and I'm crushing his ass.
Starting point is 00:06:26 We're in the headlining debate and he had just quit he got fired from hosting film on the rocks and then he's up there and I'm killing him and then at the end he cuts me off
Starting point is 00:06:37 in the second round of the debate and he says yeah why don't you fucking plug your dates or something he says why don't you oh yes and plug your dates and I said I'll be hosting film on the rocks
Starting point is 00:06:45 all summer at the legendary Red Rocks amphitheater what a dream gig right to his fucking face and he went yeah kid all right kid yeah yeah that's good even he did he was like nice to us eventually but then when he turned on me and he initially excluded me from that cool thing you and him and and andy juit and chris sharp and tear
Starting point is 00:07:04 did yeah the morning show and that was when i was so desperate to be your friend so well and so how we were just talking about working real hard on stuff and it leads nowhere yeah that was a lot of work early in the morning with chuck and hippie man and chuck was the mean dad and hippie man was the cool mom right yeah well chuck was the mean mom hippie man was the cool dad i fucked it up yeah hippie man wears a dress shirt and tucks his mom and wears a belt. He smokes weed, but he's still the day. Hippie man should always be holding a candle
Starting point is 00:07:28 and wearing a sleeping cap. That's how I always imagined him when he's not on stage. But crushers, some of them very cool to us. Most of them helped us in some way. Just glad. And when I mentioned flying with Mercy and then seeing Josh Blue
Starting point is 00:07:42 told Mercy how being, they reminisce about Denver 10 years ago. We had a killer time, and we kind of knew. Dr. Kev always says, we didn't know how good we had it. Come on. Sorry.
Starting point is 00:07:54 No, no, no, no, it's perfect. You already, we're perfect. I'm Chad Henning. We did sometimes know how good we had it. Sometimes we did pine for more and for money because we were poor as fuck. But we did enjoy. And because we didn't have a bunch of, man, some backstabbers and shit, joke thieves, really fuck shit up. Well, it was also cool to have like those guys, like Vic Alejandro and Ron who like, like Lori Callahan.
Starting point is 00:08:21 Yeah. They crushed. And you've got to see how like a comedian. could kill in any room in the mountain time zone. That's a valuable thing to learn. But then you have hippie man. You have Josh Blue. You have like, you know, the Grollics, these great guys who then you got to see like
Starting point is 00:08:34 how you could also do comedy. And then when you have that juxtaposition and you can compare them, you can be like, well, I actually want to do this kind of thing. But I understand like how this is effective and valuable to. Like how I made storytelling comedy and you were like, that's cool. You pretty much did everything in the car besides I'd say that I was a theater kid and that's why you didn't like me. You said I was on.
Starting point is 00:08:55 I wouldn't shut up. I said you were on. I was always sitting in pies. Hey, new hat. Is it okay that I said that you were on a lot of the time in 2009? I don't remember that, but I'm sure I was. You're listening to Under Oath. So you better fucking come with it.
Starting point is 00:09:16 You better say that yes, you were a lot. Well, I really don't remember how I was as a person, which I think is very, common. I remember everyone else very well because I wasn't watching myself. But yeah, I bet I was a lot. And I was a lot too. How many times did I chew on the scenery? It's not like I, you know, when I got drunk, who knew what the hell I was going to do? Oh, yeah, for sure. Where's the fire extinguishingers? Oh, you're fucking spinning a globe on your finger and saying you're the globe trotters. Yeah, it was, you did some insane. You took a shirt off. Dunk on people. Yeah, yeah. You would just go up to girls and go. Dunk people like a basketball.
Starting point is 00:09:50 Yeah, yeah. Roll them up. Pick them up. Pick them up. Pick people up. A lot of picking up. A lot of feats of strength, intimidation. Indian leg wrestle? You were trying to intimidate people a lot when I was early in our courtship. Yeah. Oh, dude, you haven't done that in a long time. Shoot, double leg, double leg.
Starting point is 00:10:06 He used to shoot on people, dude. Not really. Not that it was a thing. One time out of 100 was real. Come on, it was not. You haven't done this in a lot. Spike somebody. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:10:16 Yeah, get low. You used to do that all the time. Menace. Yes, menacing. Like a little wardhog. I started wanting to stand a little taller. Sure, I understand. I wanted to grow up.
Starting point is 00:10:24 No, but yeah, it was so much fun and grab ass. And then pretty quick we were hanging out every day. Yeah, but I just don't make me feel bad because I didn't love you immediately. I don't make you feel bad, but I didn't know who you were. And you know who did that to me, Adam Catenhollen, like, didn't give me a ton of time until I crushed like four or five times at the Squire. And he was like, just, he's like, there's a lot of guys where it's like, oh, you're, that's what you do. And so why, like, get to know someone if they're just really going to be someone that you could never hang out with or whatever? And so I had to do that.
Starting point is 00:10:56 And I'm not saying I did that specifically with you. You did. But you were intimidated. You were younger. I was cool. I was always being funny, as you said, never turning it off, crushing all the time. You figured it out. But not immediately.
Starting point is 00:11:08 That's my thing. I was the cool, huge guy. You were great. I wasn't that big. You had those stilts. Remember, you brought those out? And you're like, now who's tall? That's the only thing I couldn't do was be taller.
Starting point is 00:11:19 Adam Caten Holland. I wasn't on a freckle on his nut sack to him. You know? Yeah, at all. Well, because you, it seemed like a lot of times you were half-assing, what you were doing was riffing. What? Yeah, no.
Starting point is 00:11:32 What do you mean? I know that it was control chaos. No, because when you would, I would literally think, this is what I, this just came into my head is how many times I thought to myself, just fucking say the punchline. Like, you're meandering so much. And it's because you were building a scene or whatever because of improv, but I was like, just say the funny thing that is good and get the fuck out of here. What?
Starting point is 00:11:52 Yes, dude. Some of those sets. And I did the same show. shit because you get drunk and you think that you're Oh my God, coming from you? What? Fucking lost in the woods over there? Guy walking around.
Starting point is 00:12:03 Oh, no. In 2009, I'm saying I was not infallible. I was telling stories. Yes, but I'm saying you. I was usually drunk. I was usually drunk and that's when I would do that. Yes, you were. I was usually drunk as well.
Starting point is 00:12:19 No, but if you were sober, you could still go for a little walk. Oh, my God. No? me a laugh every 12 seconds talent literally barefoot that's none of us were doing that none of us thought about that I started thinking that oh if the punchline's good then everything else is like setting the table and word efficiency almost seemed more desperate but it's not it's its own language so less is more nine times out of 10 whatever and then even within that it depends on your style because storytellers can still be funny as hell and punchy I'm trying to think
Starting point is 00:12:51 If any of my bits that were not tight. Yes. Oh, dude, I'll kill you. You're serious? I'm just thinking of... Diablo was a minute and a half long? Diablo was nothing but it was a thrill ride. It was long, though.
Starting point is 00:13:07 Oh, you're saying without laughs. It was all tags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's an interesting way to remember things. It's funny how memory, you can't, you know... The things you think you remember, your brain abhors a vacuum, so it fills them in. Another thing, you wonder if the fine gents and or any other podcasts would have been worth it, if we had continued them, maybe.
Starting point is 00:13:30 I mean, if we would have kept doing the Fine Gentlemen's Club podcast, it would have been much more successful. Yeah. Would have been hard. Me and David Bory, if we were still doing Shining. Yeah, people would know you guys. That's for sure. People loved it and still do.
Starting point is 00:13:43 You wouldn't be here. Nope. Well, you'd be dead. You would have had to have. And no one would know about it at some point. You'd be lost. Nobody would have found your body, I would have had you killed. You're going to Zora Ranch.
Starting point is 00:13:56 Have you in the milking barn? Come on. We're fucked. We're a pretty far in. Unless it's past 10 minutes. Yeah, we're like 13, 40 minutes. Oh, thank God. Nobody's listening. Now we can tell the truth.
Starting point is 00:14:07 No, no, no, no. The, yes. Yeah, no. I mean, I'm glad we had those seminal times together. Yeah. It was nice to learn. It's weird to go back that. Under the shade of your tree.
Starting point is 00:14:18 We're to go back that far. Yeah. because it's weird to go back. I was thinking not that long ago about 2016 quitting drinking because next month will be nine years and it's just weird to think about that amount of time, let alone another seven years. 2009, what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:14:33 Yeah. Crazy. I was 22, 23 years old. Time is nuts. This just in. Times bonco. Times crazy. When did you stumble onto the scene?
Starting point is 00:14:46 2009 is when I started coming to shows in 2008. 11s when I started doing them. You were such a bizarre little specimen back then. Yeah. With your big hair. Yep. All of that hat.
Starting point is 00:14:58 Why don't you go put on the gift I got you? One's wearing his. I'll go get it. Yeah. Yeah, it's good. Oh, yeah, what we should have thought. We got our shirts on and then left Becker's dick swinging in the breeze. Twisting.
Starting point is 00:15:12 His dig is twisting in the breeze. It hurts. He's got like a duck's cock. It's all wrapped around a rose bush. They were supposed to be a hurricane. Becker's dick. It's like the thing that the lady has in weapons. I was going to say, do we?
Starting point is 00:15:26 What do we say? I saw weapons. You saw weapons. Yeah, we talked weapons a bit. Now we can write it off. Yeah. Hell yeah. All right.
Starting point is 00:15:38 I'd like to see Emily in it like that because she wore it popped. And it's a, it was a look. Yeah. I said British spud, English spud. Yeah. Spud's a skinhead. now. Sharp.
Starting point is 00:15:51 Yeah, sharp. He's a sharp. Pop it. Yeah, put it in a sport mode. Hey, if you're a chick, hope you're sitting down and you're in a bathtub. Because there's about to be a flash flood. Look at that.
Starting point is 00:16:06 Someone's pipe burst in their basement. It's Mario, but it also makes me think, like, Kaiser? Is that? That's not right. Kaiser, So-Sae. That's not correct. Dangerous autist. Russian Stormtrooper had that.
Starting point is 00:16:17 It's something weird. Yeah. Oh, yeah. They had the floppy. Yeah, that's like, oh, dude, there was that. There was that. On it instead of an M. Dude, flop it over the side again.
Starting point is 00:16:27 Or do you have to do a J for Jake. Would you want a J? He'd want a J for joint. Right. Yeah. But yeah, if you wanted that Mario style, but what would your letter be an M? If you do it.
Starting point is 00:16:38 For mom? Yeah. No. Now it's, he looks crazy. You live upstairs. When you turn to the side, you look like that hot chick.
Starting point is 00:16:49 who was in one of the later street fighters who had like the cammy. Cammy. Wasn't it? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Pretty sure. Yeah, do we tilt it over again? Give him a show.
Starting point is 00:16:58 With the camo. There it is, yes. Except, yeah, there's a little logo on there. I don't know what Snowbird is. Check them out. Snowbird is an old ski resort. Oh, okay. Yeah, this was part of the steamboat,
Starting point is 00:17:10 Taos. This guy sent me a bunch of cool old ski resort hats. Yeah. Mm-hmm. To have Bryce in Chicago. Oh, cool. Geez, you're getting all kinds of cool stuff. I get shit in the mail.
Starting point is 00:17:19 Then I get death threats and let me suck your dick. Wait. Well, hey. Four years ago, I was getting the same thing. Oh. Yeah. Oh, dude.
Starting point is 00:17:29 Last night, we're fucking, we're with William's soul. So there's four of us up front. And then you and you and James, his cousin are in the back seat. Yes. And William's soul, God bless him. You know, bless his heart. Literally, I'm praying for it. Big guy.
Starting point is 00:17:47 so he came back over here gave us some lovely gifts for smoking weed and then something happened not Joseph Conrad Joseph Heller Ah Heller
Starting point is 00:18:02 Yeah the better book Than Catch 22 William Sol is sitting over there On that couch And his cousin handed him his cell phone And much like Kyle Canane said about me When I crushed the hammock In northern California
Starting point is 00:18:17 He wanted a butterfly land on you? It was literally a butterfly landing on William and then the couch exploded. And it was awesome because I was looking at him and then he went from being normal to, but just staring at me, worried that I was going to be mad
Starting point is 00:18:34 and you started laughing really hard right away. I was in Amber. Yes, he was encased. It was Jurassic Barp. And you laughed a little bit. Dude, I was like casually looking for food on my phone because James was too. So I was like sitting there doing this
Starting point is 00:18:50 and then heard and saw his one leg go Rockhead. Like up? I have to make sure my dick didn't come out when I did. It's past 15 minutes. Gillis is shown hot.
Starting point is 00:19:02 They had to edit the recent pod. They took it down and then they put it back up with his crotch blared because he was sitting in someone else's gum. It wasn't even his sack. And it was like
Starting point is 00:19:14 and his balls are smooth. That's something you guys aren't talking about it was like thousand year old eggs yeah so i and find it his balls are like you could fuck they're like shiny like billiard balls yeah yeah check it out guys get to the bottom of that but make that shame's problem as all you ball sack truthers out there as his ass went in that one leg went up and i just like huh like i had to stifle the laughter and then it was i couldn't beat it so i was still giggling because everyone was giggling i would have never thought to suppress.
Starting point is 00:19:47 I wanted to run a lap. I wanted to do... I wanted to jump out the window like one of the kids in weapons. Yeah, urban kids seeing magic run. Like, that was... What would you do? That's with that hat.
Starting point is 00:20:01 You went full cocker because of the hat. You have to wear that tonight. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, wear it. Yeah. Nice. But popped up.
Starting point is 00:20:12 No. Yes, at the merch table. That's enough. It's insane to wear a butt. You know what? You need, much like the Lund hat, if you had these, but then open it and it says Becker? I don't know if we need, we don't have room at the merch table. I'm going to, we're only going to sell those. You're over there doing laps on me with the fucking merch.
Starting point is 00:20:36 I'm upside down on your merch sales. No. Oh, yeah. You brought 40, you only got 12 left. No. 22 of them went the trash, but. What? They bought them and then threw them away?
Starting point is 00:20:45 No, I ate soup out of some of them, defecated in a few. The rest, I was just feeling nasty. Well, that's unfortunate. Yeah, pay me. But anyway, couch. I'm murdered. Couch blasted. Of course, I'm going to laugh because I hope he knew and we told him right away anyway.
Starting point is 00:21:04 We've been there. You've probably broken something. You got big. He said he was 265 in Vegas. He said, only thing he's broke his hearts and hiding. I almost brought that up when James last night was like, I'm 206. And I was like, dude, you don't think I was 60s. pounds heavier than him when I could only stand with my arms this far down.
Starting point is 00:21:20 I guess I wouldn't have thought that. Yeah, it's just... I said last night I didn't, or I said how, you know, I used to carry, I used to carry my weight well, then I got past that into this where it's like, yeah, no, you're over 300, yes. But used to not be that 240, 250. Meanwhile, yours truly could wrestle in a high school wrestling match as it's two days ago. That's funny to say.
Starting point is 00:21:44 Yeah, 274. get low come at me I'm gonna take you down you both get hurt dude that'd be sick if tonight when you get to you know I love my wife and I miss her you should shoot yeah
Starting point is 00:21:56 fucking take it from behind spear you from behind would be no no no what I would do is I would go hey and then you would turn and then I'd throw a towel in the air and as you're like about to catch it because it's a reflifes in the air
Starting point is 00:22:09 yeah I'll just throw something in the air and then I'll throw up a fucking Dave single throw it up Catch in your mouth like a seal? Yeah, then I fucking spear you. I take your hat on. I put it on. I stand on you like New Jack
Starting point is 00:22:22 in the mass transit incident. I say, I hope this fat fuck dies. And then I do 50 minutes standing on you. Now you do 75. Okay, yeah. Oh.
Starting point is 00:22:33 Yeah, yeah. That's fine. I went long last night. I was having fun. You weren't. Yeah. The only time I go long, Well, last night, it was a timing cruffle in my head.
Starting point is 00:22:47 I thought the show started at 7.30. It started at 7. But the only time I ever do go long is when I'm like, I really got to close strong. Like, I got to give them something. Yeah. You know? And last night, Thursday, 7 o'clock, you know, they worked all day and I'm in there doing an extra 23 minutes. It went well.
Starting point is 00:23:05 Yeah, it was fine. They were a great audience. And then I get off stage and I apologize to everyone who works there. Tammy said, you're too darn funny to do your car. correct amount of time, sir. I brought my smoke detector. That was cool. Whoa.
Starting point is 00:23:20 When Tammy, I want all the smoke. We were walking down the ramp with Tammy right in front of us. I... And she said, I'm looking for all that smoke. And then she said, I brought my smoke detector and we both lost it. I went, whoa, that's cool.
Starting point is 00:23:33 There's a thing that she's probably heard people say 30 years ago. Anyway, what are you looking at? Well, if you want this to be the free one, okay. We could... It's getting close. I'm going to disassociate.
Starting point is 00:23:45 He's getting it ready. What are we at? 24 minutes? He's already pulling up the ad? Already, there's two of them. Yeah. Sorry. It's time to go.
Starting point is 00:23:52 Well, let me explore what happened last night, though. Please. You went long, real long. You ate it, you wore it. I didn't eat it or wear it. You did a Q&A? You thought you had to do... I did mango.
Starting point is 00:24:03 I went full Catan. I hate the apple. You thought you had to go until eight. So you're looking at... Watch. At some point, do you think that you, because you're stoned, that this is possible that you have to get to eight and that instead of how you've done 50 to 54 minutes 100% of the time yeah when you're supposed to so what it's so funny that you still
Starting point is 00:24:27 trusted your watch more than your brain and mouth and legs no your legs been up there for an hour well you know what it is honestly is like I haven't done an hour in two weeks because last week you were doing how much 15 yeah okay so then 15 I got to live you're life for a little bit. It was very nice. I don't do 15. No, I'm saying featuring? Yes, yes.
Starting point is 00:24:49 Oh, my God. I was like, oh yeah, why not? Pay him less. The smartest one of them all. Yeah, what an idiot. He just wants to feature. And just go wherever and do cool shows. Never receive ticket counts on Wednesday and go, what are we going to do?
Starting point is 00:25:05 Yeah. Don't think about anything until I'm on stage. I don't give a shit. I'm just going to hang out with you. By the way, Mohegan's son, please come. All right. So we go, he snaps the couch. Fatality.
Starting point is 00:25:19 We put it in order for checks, which is the go-to local chicken spot. And he, his cousin says it's 10 minutes away. Awesome. Cool. We start driving. We're in downtown Charlotte on a Thursday. What time was it then? Maybe 10.45?
Starting point is 00:25:38 Yeah. I thought maybe we didn't all need to go, but it didn't make sense for any. one or two of us to not go I thought about that too right like should all five of us go no but I wanted to go and would you have stayed home alone like it didn't make sense
Starting point is 00:25:54 they want to go and hang out with Sam the whole time right and this is like could be a fun cool thing sure or an easy dumb thing but we come back here together it's 20 minutes in the car we'll have some laughs we'll shove in also in my head I was like we're only going to be in the car for like 20 minutes
Starting point is 00:26:08 we'll probably park and I'll jump out at the grill James born and raised here in North Carolina No Charlotte like the back of his ball sack. He says it's 10 minutes away. There's never an issue on Thursdays. He doesn't say that. But we get down town. We get down town.
Starting point is 00:26:25 He promises there'll be no issues at all. Slaps his hands together. Job well done. Let's go get our reward. We could have had Bojangles. We could have had Bojangles. We passed the Bojangles about five minutes into the drive. I'm glad we're not getting Bojangles.
Starting point is 00:26:39 I'm glad we're getting the local flavor. Yeah. We're behind a train. We're driving on the train tracks. I'm like, well, that train's going slow, but hey, who cares? You know, we're six minutes away from our delicious chicken, which we've already ordered. Who could give a shit? And then I start seeing all the Panthers jerseys.
Starting point is 00:26:55 And I say, hmm, my God. Did the Panthers have a preseason game? Did Jake Delome die? Yeah. And, well, and James, see, I don't care. What? Deep cut. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:27:11 I don't blame him. for not, but he knew there was a preseason game, and he didn't say anything about... Well, he didn't put it together either. He was excited about hanging out, he was hanging out with his cousin. Yes.
Starting point is 00:27:24 And then... But man, he could have avoided disaster because there's other checks. Yeah. And as soon as you asked, that's what I was going to say too, is he didn't like look at his phone or even have to think about it.
Starting point is 00:27:33 You were like, was there a preseason game? And he went... Yeah. Yeah. And I said, did they play the Steelers? A bunch of Steelers jerseys. And as we're turning right, it's just all.
Starting point is 00:27:43 jerseys and then that's when the cannibalism started did Hans Ward die not as deep I wanted somebody deep also a stealer um Heinz Ward Charlie Batch would have worked
Starting point is 00:27:57 he was a steeler for a while Heinz Ward was a stealer I know but I'm saying like we're in North Carolina oh but Steelers jerseys come on anyway you're nuts you got greedy you went back to the well if a fan from if a Pittsburgh fan goes to a game
Starting point is 00:28:13 they only wear current jerseys or rothlisberger's the only retired one that they're not they're not rocking jake delome jerseys down here in crack alack i'll tell you that right now oh they don't wear the old stuff sorry you have to see us like this you have no idea what the fuck we're talking about car parts and magic the if he does magic the gathering anyway you're learning wrestling terms but used to be dog when we would talk about wrestling yeah and when you talked about dog the bounty hunter we would turn into dogs when you talked about fucking doctor who and the wrestling guys like they're in it for long enough that like
Starting point is 00:28:45 it's easier for me to follow sports I'll like know what you guys are talking about one time and then you will slip two years in one direction talking about it and I'll be like I have no idea what they're talking about anymore You guys should have ran a fancy team together I'd like that would have any interest I would do it as a bit
Starting point is 00:29:02 but I don't know anything I know but if you well I was literally going to say if you do all the shit I hate about it but I I don't know. We could. He could be beautiful minding it.
Starting point is 00:29:15 Oh, just trust him. Oh, yeah, you could come to me with like, feels, easy questions. Gut vibes. This or him or him and I don't know. I don't know. And then his response is, wait, I'm him. And you're like, whoa, Becker. Maybe.
Starting point is 00:29:30 But anyway, we get down there. Traffic stops. We're in a crawl. The last two blocks of the drive takes. 23 minutes. At least. Yes. James gets out.
Starting point is 00:29:40 He's like, I'll go grab the food. wait wait but before that like we're stuck it's way worse than the bus or the train and you say oh good awful traffic and cops and I'm stoned and driving in a foreign in a city for the first time I said if there's one place where I like to be driving in a new downtown while stoned as hell surrounded by car or no I can't remember I said yeah with cops everywhere there's one place I want to be driving super stoned with a bunch of cops around me in the middle of the night it's a city it's a downtown I've never been in before so yeah yeah we're going great lines we're flying everyone's keeping a smile on it's a little it's pretty stressful i it was stressful enough being in the car let alone driving
Starting point is 00:30:20 it was the exact opposite of exactly what i want to be doing right it was the antithesis of the experience that i valued but you have to kill preference yeah this is the new thing not preferring anything everything is everything keeps you safe yes it's all the blanket mm-hmm so everyone's keeping a smile on you're not in traffic you are traffic james gets out reduce reuse recycle sure Yeah, yeah. Go Panthers. Is these more shirts you're going to start selling? Just do it.
Starting point is 00:30:46 What, Steve Berline died? He was a Jaguar, right? God damn it. Yes. Because he beat the Broncos and the... Okay, so here we go. James gets out, and then we keep inching. And I say, it'd be kind of funny if we get up here and...
Starting point is 00:31:02 He disappears for 30 seconds. We catch up to him. James is up there. His hands are above his head. pants are down. There's a guy kneeling in front of him, sucking his dick, and the guy has a gun to James' head.
Starting point is 00:31:16 So he's getting his dick sucked at gunpoint. And that kind of saved us. It did, yeah, yeah, yeah. It saved us for about 12 more minutes about moving as policers surrounding us. It broke the tension of
Starting point is 00:31:32 what, luckily, was like, the halfway point. If it was longer, it would have really sucked, but it it was we were out of it and it was like oh thank god because yeah it could have been another 20 minutes of that if just depending on whatever and the question is do you have to tell your why if you got your dick sucked if it was at gunpoint this is one of the great questions of our time this when you put your phone down these are the ponderance that you start they bloom through the concrete when you start uh yeah letting your your mind feed
Starting point is 00:32:03 roam watering it nutrition instead of crap yes instead of shit Garbage. Oh, speaking of wonderful things on your phone. Is it back door? No. Oh, okay. It made me laugh. It would have been cool.
Starting point is 00:32:18 Now it's weird. The part that really got me was when we were talking about him getting sucked it, gunpoint, and him telling us like, go around. Yeah. James. James. Who are you guys? Yeah, wrong guy. I'm Donnie.
Starting point is 00:32:36 Yeah. I'm almost there. It's my gun. It's right under his chin, isn't it? It's right here because the guy's down there. No, because you can't, though, because then your dick is in it. You're sucking his dick. Wait, what?
Starting point is 00:32:53 No, you're right. It would be because you're going up like this. Or you're down there and then the gun. The gun is right here. What if the guy is like, hold this gun to my head as I suck your dick? Yeah. The cops would have a lot of questions either way. there was that chick with the jugs who almost popped out
Starting point is 00:33:12 I mean there's a lot of beauty in the world when you learn how to see it again well we made the most of it and kept the windows up because when those ladies walked by I'd rolled it down to see you know how the meat swayed just to make just take it in I wasn't going to yell anything
Starting point is 00:33:27 I wasn't going to moon them like you suggested I wanted you to moon people you wanted me to front moon them I wanted you to front moon them as we're stuck in traffic and there's no escape and I'm honking the horn like dirty work and your dicks out And you're like, hey, go steal it, Sam. And then I just crank 96 bitter beings.
Starting point is 00:33:45 I'm wearing the shirt. Yeah, yeah. Bano, wow. My dick's wearing a little version of this shirt. Yeah, your dick's smoking. Willie thinks of everything. Becker reaches back and Becker's flicking it and saying, ring the bell. Ring the bell.
Starting point is 00:33:59 That'd be cool. Yeah, and then Becker pops out in that hat, and that's when the cops just opened fire. It wasn't the dick. hide behind William. I'm fine. You guys are all dead. But the chicks are like, we didn't want him to die. We wanted to suck it. And then the cops come over and they're like, allow me. So anyway, a lot of fun was had in the car. It was a preseason football game. The chicken was worth it. Let me tell you. Also, Chubbies is the ultimate football apparel brand. Oh, sure. That's what when I think of Chubbies, I think the ultimate football apparel brand. You're half pinged. I'm wearing Chubbies right now.
Starting point is 00:34:38 It's almost football time. Yes. I mean, technically, it's football time is here. Not really. College football kickoff is the actual. Yes, I know. But teams, there's NFL news. There's action, whatever.
Starting point is 00:34:52 Fantasy, you, maybe we do a fantasy team. God damn it. I never wanted to go back. Beckers hoping it's a final fantasy team. No. And you can have a bunch of chocobos. I'd rather it be football than final fantasy. Oh, shit.
Starting point is 00:35:08 But yes, Chubbies. He lied? The Ultimate Football Apparel brand. So much so, they created their own fantasy football league. Whoa, George Kittle. Am I in it? Ian Rappaport and others have come together to assemble the Chubbies League on NFL fantasy. The Ian Rappaport?
Starting point is 00:35:23 I mean, it was Michael Rappaport. The rap sheet. It's only way you get better. Cut that. This is verbatim. Each week, the top five scores will win a chance at a Chubby's Folo and Shorts combo with their team's logo. do you want to say I'm shut out no homo that's a total yolo man
Starting point is 00:35:43 the grand champion gets the chance at the ultimate fan experience of five city sucking George Kittles dick at gunpoint NFL game tour hey I don't get any of this money so if they go if they go away I don't care A five, shut up, a five city, five stadium NFL game tour with a plus one.
Starting point is 00:36:13 While the fantasy flop faces a hilarious and unforgettable punishment, only Chubbies could pull off. What? You have to get your dick sucked by George Kittle at gunpoint. head to chubby shorts.com slash the chubbies league to learn more and have some fun. Get ready for the most outrageous fantasy football season of your life. And would you look at that?
Starting point is 00:36:36 Folks, for a limited time, our friends at Chubbies are giving our listeners $10 with the promo code Chubby at chubbyshorts.com slash chubby. That's $10 off your order with the promo code Chubby, and that includes the NFL collection. Support our show and tell them we sent you. Express yourself and level up your game day, wardrobe with chubbies.
Starting point is 00:36:55 Dude, what if you get to the, like, you lose your fantasy league? And they're like, all right, we're going to reveal what it is. And it's literally what we just described. Guess what? You get to read the next one. I'm a good boy on this one. Yeah, we'll see what I do. Look, you probably already know about Hello Fresh, or as I call it, Kanichi, Wyoming.
Starting point is 00:37:22 Oh, yeah. They send chef-crafted recipes and fresh ingredients right to your home. I like the head and tors meal. Me too. A lot of protein when you're eating a young kid from somewhere else. This guy's search history? Very protein. It's not carbo loading at all.
Starting point is 00:37:41 He wants that hat to fit. But this summer, they made their biggest menu upgrade yet. Everything Hello Fresh makes is now bigger, healthier and tastier. You had me at bigger. I want the food to be big Oh yeah Giant melons Big old taters
Starting point is 00:38:01 Huge plantains An eggplant the size of your Best friend's dick I know I want to get full Yeah I did used to have to get the two person meals To get full From Hello Fresh
Starting point is 00:38:13 So bigger is better They bulked it up Yeah it used to be maybe a little tray You'd have a nibble Every fat guy would then kill themselves I can't I can't have one of these and be done.
Starting point is 00:38:24 So I'm done. Why do I work at the foundry? Guess what? Call me the couch. Because I'm snapped in half. I'm done. I got crushed by a fat guy. They got the big portion now.
Starting point is 00:38:36 Chuck Roy. Choose from 100 options each week, including new seasonal dishes and recipes from around the world. Whoa. And with their new veggie packed recipes that have two or more veggies, two or more, that is packed,
Starting point is 00:38:50 you'll be eating greener than ever. Now, here's a personal endorsement where I'm going to talk it up. This product, hello, fresh. Yeah. It's like receiving food in the mail that you can cook very easily. It rules. Now that I've a solid analogy. I'm stoked that they're a sponsor again.
Starting point is 00:39:06 I hadn't checked the email because I do love them and I was looking at getting them back now that I can keep food down again. Why don't you start checking the emails more? No, I check it. Get in there. I check it up. I check to see if there's stuff I have to do. I don't read the copy every week before we do it. I love reading the copy on Lund's phone
Starting point is 00:39:24 because I can pretend like I'm reading it and really I'm just liking a bunch of photos on Instagram from like years and years again. Hey, Abby, looking good. No, you better not. So yeah, eat it. It's good, man. You like food?
Starting point is 00:39:36 You put it in your mouth. You chew it up. It turns into poop. No, energy. Energy. And then the waste is poop. Oh, shit. And with you get enough veggies,
Starting point is 00:39:45 I'm telling you guys, fiber's the future. Yeah. You want your logs to be huge. You want to be done with diarrhea because you said that your fucking the toilet bowl looks like this all the time well no
Starting point is 00:39:56 what a monster by the way my foe arrives earlier to the table at the Vietnamese place and you're like I always regret not ordering fur love foe you know but then he points to my food my food I'm about to eat
Starting point is 00:40:08 and he says but that's what the toilet bowl already looks like I don't want more of that yeah I felt I felt bad I was like damn it this could really
Starting point is 00:40:18 I did not think about the fact that you not don't always get excited about food yeah and then you said i'm eating your diarrhea it's like wet and brown floating it looks like a toilet pole it was yeah but anyway if you if you're looking for something a little off menu like lun's diarrhea fuck get steak and seafood recipes delivered every week for no extra cost come on there's three times more seafood on the menu now at no extra cost seafood eat it no not anymore we don't eat all the food that we see, Becker.
Starting point is 00:40:51 Their shrimp's fucking good. Do you eat that chicken tender last night? I did. I was glad it wasn't me. What? There were several more. Chill out.
Starting point is 00:40:59 I was feeling good about the one. I was feeling good about one that I didn't eat. But if there were four and I could have had half. Yeah, I had it I had it probably like two o'clock in the morning.
Starting point is 00:41:10 Okay. Can you guys clip that for me? Whoa. Your fat enthusiasm. That and me being horny in the last one. Okay, everyone, shut up. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:22 Becker being horny, your fat face. Shut up, indeed. Did they clip that ever? I don't think so. Oh, shit. Come on, guys. The best way to cook just got better, go to hellofresh.com slash shubby 10 FM and get 10 free meals,
Starting point is 00:41:37 plus a free item for life. One per box with an active subscription, free meals. The item can't be a purse and a celebrity. It has to be like a little purse or whatever. It can be those dope dessert. Free meals are applied as. as a discount. That's Latin for punch it up.
Starting point is 00:41:53 Free meals are applied as a discount on the first... Riff it down. The first box. That's where the free meals are applied as a discount. I had a box last night before... He cheated on your wife. New subscribers only varies by plan. That's hellofresh.com slash chubby 10 FM.
Starting point is 00:42:11 C-H-U-B-B-Y-1-0-F-M for 10 free meals plus a free item for life. God. Damn, that's a good pod. I know. That's good pod. Nice. I'm stoked to have Hello Freshback. You do have to weave it in because the only thing worse than not being able to read it straight through is to read it straight through.
Starting point is 00:42:33 Yeah, that's what you're doing. You're like a black lady's hair at the roller rink. You're weaving it in. Jesus Christ. How hot was that lady at the gas station? I missed it. And he said that she was wearing panties and not even shorts. Looks like she forgot, yeah, to put on two layers.
Starting point is 00:42:48 I don't know. I only saw her huge t-shirt. and her beautiful face. Damn. God. I missed the whole thing because I walked out the other side of the building
Starting point is 00:42:56 to avoid the crowd of people. There's something about a black lady with natural hair and no makeup. It really makes me want to Erika Badoo, but it do, baby. Jesus Christ. I do.
Starting point is 00:43:07 Cool. Erika Badoo competed with us last night and guess what? I think it was a draw. Because there were 400 people outside of the film war. And then we had a solid 76. Yeah, you came in and we're like,
Starting point is 00:43:19 it looks good Hey there's like 50 people out there yeah in the biggest room ever you hated it yeah but I haven't even been in there yet I don't know what do you know there was more than 50 by the end of the evening it was great they were really fun too
Starting point is 00:43:32 a lot of people came in after you got off because they wanted to see the good part they said right they were in the they were in the hall just waiting to hear the end Tammy was strip searching all of this oh oh oh was the was an employee was one of the servers telling you that she went to kindergarten
Starting point is 00:43:51 with the nature boy's Rick Flair's daughter No one tells me anything You guys get all the cool stories I'm on stage Keeping the lights on You guys are back there rolling around
Starting point is 00:44:01 I was in the green room And I could hear I was doing around with this dab And of course Yeah No I was doing what you do Wasn't I I was like yeah
Starting point is 00:44:07 Because I felt I was stoked It was a good show Yeah So I just started I was dicking I called Crow and Owen Crowin
Starting point is 00:44:14 They're like yeah We get that I thought I was On to something But then he came up with a bunch of other pretty good one Yeah, because he was bombing.
Starting point is 00:44:21 He started sweating. No, he was having fun. Do you guys call this place Crown Town? No, it was good. But yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. He told me that he heard that from the green room. Yeah, and I didn't want to open the door and interrupt
Starting point is 00:44:32 because it sounded like they were talking right against the door. So I didn't want to like, hey. What's going on out here? You should tell Nathan when he gets off stage. But she was like, yeah, it's crazy. I met him when he was the nature boy. And he was so nice. He just loved having lunch with his daughters.
Starting point is 00:44:49 He's like, hey, why don't you call me in 12 years? But that'd be hilarious to have memories of like that freak of nature, especially back then, coming in and sitting at like a little lunch table. Yeah, if she was any older. Drunk. Wasted. Yeah. If she was any around our age, it would have been when he was in the 80s when he was peak.
Starting point is 00:45:12 He was the man. How old is Charlotte? I don't know. Probably 36. I don't know. Maybe older. She might be 30. 40 she might be 39 she looks uh you know you know she looks yeah she looks nice she looks cool sure
Starting point is 00:45:28 uh it's because you're attracted to her father so you like what she's up to what did i say oh he comes into the the show last night bleeding from the forehead wandering i got to do the podcast the susanna thing yeah but on stage in charlotte so that was cool yeah because oh how many people People in a random comedy show room know what I'm talking about immediately with Flair bleeding and wobbling around and doing it. I did the flop. Yeah. I mean, we drove into town from Clit on Rick Flair Memorial Highway. No.
Starting point is 00:46:03 Yeah. And they said they bought the sign too early. They got to. They biffed it. They said, you know, every month we had to buy a new sign. Why not put it up? Yeah, just put it up. Fuck it.
Starting point is 00:46:12 I mean, he's going to die. It's not like we won't be wrong. Prisoners keep making them. Forever. they're free yeah that was that was all very fun I am a little scared that someone may not like any or all
Starting point is 00:46:29 of that talk of Rick Flair after what he's done for this area so maybe I get in trouble what's he done impregnated a bunch of ladies and then driven him across the state line after three months I would say he's proudly entertained and given back to a community that he's been a part of for a long time am I wrong
Starting point is 00:46:47 I don't know. I don't know about his civic duties that he's performed here. I would imagine, yeah, people are stoked that he's been from here, or, you know, for a long time, claimed it as his second home. He was born in Minnesota, I think. Yeah, for sure. Well, no one knows where he was born. Adopted.
Starting point is 00:47:00 They found him in the trash. He was sucking. He was sucking from the forest. Yeah, he had a bottle full of apple puck or stumbling around. Yeah. Because he's a baby, but also because he's bleeding profusely. It wasn't the flare flop. forever. It was initially just a baby walking.
Starting point is 00:47:20 And he was like, well, this gets, this goes over hard. This pops the marks. His parents at the orphanage. They're not there. The nuns are losing it. His parents work at the orphanage. Mm-hmm. With the janitor. Oh, I want to tell you this. Please.
Starting point is 00:47:34 Where are we at? I don't know if there's a Patreon story. Okay. My dad, who I haven't talked to since when I was up north with the wonches. Yeah. I haven't talked to him on the phone. He texts way too many reels all day in the fam chat, which I've recently named to tall fam rat chat and switch the uh the fam photo to a very embarrassing picture of emily but she can't figure out how to change it so it's awesome uh full bush admin rights yeah yeah yeah it's insane full bush you know my mom's still in there my mom's still in the fam chat yeah it belongs to some random person now like we can't
Starting point is 00:48:14 keep saying i'm not your mom yeah my sister won't like let my dad deactivate my mom's phone. Oh. I don't know what the fuck's about. So she is, oh, she called the voicemail? Uh, maybe, maybe she does.
Starting point is 00:48:25 I've thought about taking over my mom. Calling my mom's voice man. Taking over my mom's voice. I have her number. I can give you her. You start answering. I've thought about taking over my mom. My mom.
Starting point is 00:48:35 I text with your mom. Sometimes she texts back and she's like, sorry, what are you trying to get out? I was going to keep, I was going to just thinking about taking over her business numbers because she has like a long message that was what I heard when I tried to call her my whole life.
Starting point is 00:48:47 and I don't want it to go away. No, no, I want you to take over my mom's phone number. Okay. I know when my sister gets drunk and calls it while crying, you answer it, and you go, Sophie, it's mommy. I don't approve of your marriage. You're racist.
Starting point is 00:49:06 It's not the black half. It's the Korean half. That'd be a cool bet. Rattle her. Or no, we get you a fucking, a soundboard of my mom's greatest hits. Julie. Ju-Ju-Ju-Mimosa.
Starting point is 00:49:24 Julie. P.F. Chang's. You said some about rolling up the window on someone in the car today. And it reminded me of your mom. I thought about it, I think, on the drive to Denver two days ago or yesterday morning. That's awesome. I think I thought of that. that time.
Starting point is 00:49:48 I'm pretty sure. Hey, Betsy, how you doing? I'm almost positive. It rolls the window up. That exact thing happened. And then I was like, was she joking? Was she so dry that she didn't sell it at all, but did it as a joke? She could have been.
Starting point is 00:50:01 That makes more sense because I think she liked me. Was this pre or post stroke? She was driving. Oh, so post stroke. That it must have been a bit. Or she just did not want to talk to one of your dumb friends. Her car. Couldn't take her keys.
Starting point is 00:50:13 Or was living in her head in that moment. and didn't register that you were someone that she knew or she's scathing and parked on Colfax some drifter walks up knows her name she was
Starting point is 00:50:24 I can see that happening but anyway my dad calls me and we're talking about tax stuff so she doesn't everybody's just blurred out my mom didn't get on pills
Starting point is 00:50:35 until after her stroke she was drunk drinking all the driving yeah constantly but at like three in the afternoon downtown too like we would go to lunch
Starting point is 00:50:45 she'd do a half day fucking slamming them back and then she'd drive me up to cap hill drop me off and then drive home to elizabeth like cocked yeah all right yeah i've been a pirate a poet a pop over bump yeah she's ghostwriting i can't think of the words what is that that's like yeah no it would be pretenders blasting yeah did you watch license to drive there's a car involved uh-uh license to drive core phelman corey haym oh i have someone i was way yeah i wonder when i was Younger, yeah. They take the grandpa's awesome car. It's a boat.
Starting point is 00:51:20 It's probably a fucking Buick. I don't know about. I think it's a Lincoln. It might be a Buick Centurion. I haven't seen that since I was barely. I've been a pauper. Yeah. I saw that at the age where I thought like flames on cars were cool.
Starting point is 00:51:35 I was like eight or nine when my older sister showed me that. Yeah. That was one that we watched a lot. One time like in 2006, the Mayan did a like afternoon showing of my own private Idaho. Oh shit. So my mom came and like we were just chilling at bonzo and crusty's apartment and we had some weed and I was like mom do you want to roll a joint and she rolled one up immediately muscle memory. Then she took a couple hits and then she just like left the apartment. She got high and was like I got to go to the Mayan and then I was like fuck I just like unleashed my mom
Starting point is 00:52:07 on Denver high in the middle of the afternoon and I walked out and I saw her and she was like standing behind a car crouching. I was like what's up? And she's like I had to cross. the street because that guy looked like a lizard and just like a guy walked up and I was like you can't go see this movie she's like if you think I'm missing my private Idaho in a movie theater you're very wrong she wouldn't saw the movie just her you weren't invited no I want to fucking take gravity bong hits with my friends anyway my dad calls me and we're talking for like a half hour about like taxes and very boring shit we went so far away from that nice bull
Starting point is 00:52:45 And then he says, hey, do you have time for a story? And I'm like, of course. Yeah. So he's like, so. I hope it's six minutes long. You know, the band, his band, martyrs and the fabulous cheese tones, his Elizabeth bands. That was one band name? No, they were cheese tones first and then they were martyrs.
Starting point is 00:53:02 No, no. Martyr is the best band name ever. It's awesome. Yeah, it's real good. But they used to play at the UU church, the Universalist Church there. And he's like, yeah, so like we haven't played a gig in a while, but then we got a call. And Molly called me and she said, hey, we're going to, we're going to get the band back together. We got a gig.
Starting point is 00:53:20 And I said, oh, okay. So go over and it's this lady's backyard from the UU church. And, you know, I knew her over there. She was real nice to your mom. You know, she's got Parkinson's. And she's real sweet. And we're there. And I'm like, well, maybe it's, is it a birthday or an anniversary?
Starting point is 00:53:39 Buddy, she killed herself after the party. Whoa She was Yeah she She had the potion And this was her Living Memorial So she got all of her friends there
Starting point is 00:53:52 And her kids And her grandkids And you know We had a big nice party And we played some tunes And You know And we left
Starting point is 00:54:00 And she killed herself And that was why we were there The house just goes up In flames The kids are in sight They're pulling People are just pulling out And they're like whoa
Starting point is 00:54:09 I figured she'd wait Like a half hour I pull out. She's going to kill herself. So. Oh, boy. Wow. I mean.
Starting point is 00:54:21 Holy shit. Save the 70 cents. Devastated Dave. The game where the send-off she ate, buddy. Walks out of the house last. Smoking. It's almost completely engulfed. He's wearing that all-white suit.
Starting point is 00:54:42 No The house isn't on fire My dad's having sex with the woman He's the last one out And then he throws the lighter Over his shoulder Because he just sent her off With coital bliss
Starting point is 00:54:57 You're the one that's He doesn't run in She's gonna do what he wants I didn't say do what he wants I'm saying they did it She set the fire He walks out as it's, like, getting real bad in there. Okay.
Starting point is 00:55:17 Yeah. I thought you meant, like, he's like, well, I mean, if she's, I mean, he runs in. Like, he's trying to get his records. No. No. When I was like, dude, that's super heavy. And he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, do you think that her last memory of being alive is listening to you singing
Starting point is 00:55:37 Carmelita? And he's like, could be. Because we played it. We played it. We played it long. That's one of the ones we know. That's awesome. That's a great, fucking...
Starting point is 00:55:46 That was, like, the first time I heard my dad sing in public was him singing Carmelita and nailing it. I didn't know about it until. Kurt. I was like 12. Kurt told me about Warren Zevon. Gave me the playlist of his favorites or whatever, 15 songs.
Starting point is 00:56:00 It's an hour. It's an hour of him. And I used to listen to it three years ago when I was first opening for you all the time. And it was fucking great. Carmelita. So my dad says, no, that's a story. fine. I'm sorry. My dad says, I was like, so it's heavy, dude. And he's like, yeah, really makes
Starting point is 00:56:17 you think, you know, when the sun went down, you know, she just went and sat in her chair and she watched it. And it was a beautiful moment, you know, her final sunset. And I really was glad that I got to see that. But then I look over and all four of her kids are just crying about 10 feet away, sobbing. And I was like, dude, I'm so sorry. And he's like, yeah, you know, I could never, you know, if I ever do it, you'll never know. I'm not telling anybody. What the fuck? Dave knows what's up.
Starting point is 00:56:51 This is the smartest man I know. Yeah. Yeah, you throw a party and you don't tell you. The celebration of life, living memorial, I like that. I do too. But I'm sure, obviously it's tough for the kids. Everybody says, yeah, you'd never know. All right, buddy, I'll see it the fantasy draft.
Starting point is 00:57:06 So that was the end of the conversation. My dad's sign off is if I kill myself, you'll never see it coming. All right. Remember two fantasy drafts? No note. Yeah. No note. No funeral.
Starting point is 00:57:17 Most syslack style. Full syslack head in the oven. Please. Hey, patreon.com slash shabby behemoth. This is one of the best ones ever and it's a free one. But there's so many of our really, really good podcast. Get him on there. Mahigan sun tickets.
Starting point is 00:57:34 Stress factory tickets. Austin. I think there's still tickets available. Oh, Big Diamond Comedy Festival in Arkansas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's some other shit. Oh, Sacramento. And I'm going to this. Hey, if anyone has a hookup at the Sacramento History Museum, I want to go to their printing lab because they have like the biggest collection of like etchings and every day they post a video. I love that old guy. I love that guy. Yeah. And I really want to get in there and like ask them questions about printing. I want to see where cake and Papa Roach used to fucking rehearse. I want to see where, uh, I want to see where fashion nugget was recording.
Starting point is 00:58:10 oh Denver get your comedy works tickets now because maybe I can come in and do the whole week that'd be sick what if I could sell them all out I could do the Ari Shafir and do Monday and Tuesday as well and just like be in Denver that full week Sunday you take it from me one's out I forgot you're doing the Sunday yeah dude November 30th guess what I figured out Tuesday during my shift of the dad talking to Max Holland my buddy public defender like Bobby yeah cool dude fucking uh that night we were talking football football. He's from Virginia. He's a commander's fan. Hey, get to the punchline. Yeah, no, shit. One of my 2009, Sam. Oh, a tree can't talk, but it can listen. It's the wind, doesn't it? It's funny. No, it's great. The wind can talk. It was great. Yeah. Yeah, everybody loved it every time. You never did it three times in a set. You were all pilled up. You got your mom hooked on pills. The pills caused a stroke. You're why my mom killed herself. fuck your best friend max he's the coolest guy ever oh yeah yeah we're talking football oh yeah uh broncos commanders play he looks it up oh yeah they play november 30th oh yeah what time he goes oh six 20 it's the sunday night game i go sick i make comedy words oh no the only saving
Starting point is 00:59:32 the only thing that could prevent it from being worse is no one was coming already it's kind of a who cares it's it's damn it's in at Washington it'd be funny or if you're slightly less funny if your show whatever if your show sells out on November 30th and then Wendy's like hey so Sam you're down to like split Saturday with Nathan and then she's like hey we're gonna let Nathan do the Saturday you're gonna still do Friday and Wednesday then she's like hey how much is Wednesday because these Nathan Lund tickets are in high demand yeah I'll bet and then I fuck maybe if they would have Hey, dad, no one's going to see it coming.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.