Chubby Behemoth - Controlled Demolition

Episode Date: May 18, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Too Old, Too Loose. Disproved Heaven. Bust-A Da Gooch.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

beck are you joining us today for like 13 minutes wow well damn i guess we could have gone earlier i don't know i have like everything's scheduled for me by the host family so i'll miss you when you leave but i like you now i like you too lond i like you i like you too i'm worried about you i am too yeah i don't know the host family's like not concerned because but they do say that he's the worst president that's ever happened for like the last hundred years and also that the people who support him are all fascists so they can't tell if the fascists will be stoked that he fired so here's what's going on everybody i'm in uh rio bomba ecuador which you've never heard of and uh yesterday the ecuadorian president was about to be impeached

so instead of facing impeachment he disassembled congress and now for the next like three or six months he's able to just make laws without any checks or balances uh he can just do whatever he wants and there's been a bunch of like yeah exactly one man one vote he was one nation in fear one nation without wi-fi one nation under a very non-benevolent god a very old school god they have here yeah the south american catholic god is pissed he wants blood he wants blood and he wants you to bleed the first time you have sex with him um he wants to tear your hymen because that's what good girls have is hymens and bad girls have jobs. That's the rule down here.

So everyone's very worried that the city is going to burn. But my host family is like, who cares? We live up here. But I'm at my dad's house, which is right in the middle of it, because this is where the this is where the Wi-Fi is. There's no Wi-Fi at the house right now. So if you guys pray, knock it off and just start sending money to at sam talent on venmo i just looked him up and his name is guillermo lasso i wonder if anybody calls him ted uh i think the people who've called him ted have been hung and flayed disappeared yes they've been fucked by dogs to death. So... Yeah, that's a big thing down here.

Before you guys got down there, something was going on in Peru. Shit was getting weird in Peru. Yes, Machu Picchu is closed down because aliens have finally returned. Whoa. Mm-hmm. And my dad wanted to go over there and be sodomized by them.

But they said... Offer himself up as a sacrifice yeah but they said you're too old and you're too loose no hymen yeah uh-huh yeah they asked my dad if he could uh touch his elbows behind his back and when he could they said pass that wasn't even yeah that wasn't even that cool that wasn't even yeah that wasn't even that cool no so yeah so peru is being like it's in control of uh domestic terrorists so my dad couldn't go to peru and peru is on the do not travel list by the american embassy and now like ecuador went from like level two to like i think level three uh i think four is the highest so i really don't know on the whoopsie list

yeah on the my bad list on the maybe hang out at the subway that's right by the embassy just in case shit goes south yeah it's like the greyhound station indianapolis just hang out in that white castle until your bus boards or else they're gonna steal your teeth this whole this whole nation's just one big greyhound station. Everyone's looking to pants me and take my wallet and rip me off for magnets. I got charged like four bucks for a magnet the other day. Then the guy right behind me who spoke Spanish great, two dollars. Same magnet? Same magnet. Same size.

Why were you guys getting... i was gonna say you guys were magnet buddies well me and him weren't chilling at the magnet stand waiting for a like-minded individual to show up which one should we stick yours to do you have a filing cabinet i have a fridge how much longer are you supposed to be down there uh may the last saturday in may i leave maybe talvez what if you're elected that what if you become the president seems like a it's wide open i think it is typically the fattest guy wins. You're supposed to be there for nine more days. Mm-hmm. Or ten more days.

So hopefully everything is smoothed out in the next week. Yeah, hopefully they figure it all out here pretty quick. Shit. It'll be fine. Nothing will happen. I'm untouchable. Nothing bad ever happens to me. You're an American celebrity. I'm untouchable. Nothing bad ever happens to me. You're an American.

I want to go on record. I want to go on record and say that nothing bad is going to happen to me. Take it to the bank. Yeah, because if it does, boy, is this going to be good audio at my memorial? Hey, God, get the hot tub ready because I'm coming up and I'm coming up nude.

Tell Anna Nicole to put on something tight because I want to peel it off with my teeth hey God if you take me can you take Gianna Michaels at the same time so we're on the same bus up there I want first crack at her before Charlie Chaplin gets his fucking fingers in her oh oh

oh oh poor Gianna she settles on me on her way to heaven like that's the last thing she does in limbo is blow me you're saying on the bus not even yeah when you get there and have the tour oh yeah you mean when we get there there's all those like you know fucking danish volleyball players yeah i'm to stand a chance. Well, I guess it's my heaven too, though. How's that work?

Everybody's hot in heaven. No, I'm just saying, in my heaven, I'd get to bang her, but in her heaven, she probably wouldn't have to bang me. Alright, well, we just disproved heaven. Way to go, guys. We got to the bottom of that. Less than 10 minutes in. There's yeah it's a paradox you're just

on the bus oh yeah it's a couple more exits and then oh we well we missed it but there's another exit coming up and then you just stay on the bus forever i'd rather be on the bus than fucking hung up on a fence so covered in honey so the bees can eat me. I mean, they have some pretty medieval ways of torturing people down here. Again, I want to go on record as saying you don't have to torture me. I'll just spill whatever you want.

Whatever details, whatever state secrets you think I have, they're yours. They just start asking you about Rogan. How is he off camera? He's he's uh he's five foot ten he's 480 pounds he's very dense he's like he's like a black star collapsing uh you said people are in the streets yeah they're protesting because we want why they're not protesting yeah hey what are we how are we supposed to play Candy Crush? We don't care about any of this,

but the Wi-Fi's out in like half of the town, and it sucks. Yeah. I was mid-wank. What am I supposed to do? Keep whacking off to my niece? Ooh. There's a lot of Catholicism down here.

Oh. Yeah. That's not canon. That's not canon incestuous that's not canon no you're gonna get shot out of a cannon into peru they're like you're you're their problem now yeah they're gonna send the white wad sailing over the border hopefully i get canonized i'd like to be a saint if i do have to go down could you guys get that happening for me yes the push we'll campaign yeah try and get the numbers behind me what would your three miracles be uh being friends with lund. What else?

Farting. Yeah, that one fart is on camera. Farting without any food. Not constantly correcting Emily's Spanish, even though she's constantly correcting mine, even though I'm better at it. I should get a fucking medal for that. God, I'm so over Spanish.

Spanish, guess what? This just in? Sucks. It sucks. fucking metal for that god i'm so over spanish spanish guess what this just in sucks it sucks no one should have to talk it now that you've discovered the uh past tense conundrum yeah dee ho and fui yuck yeah fui baby who cares cares what someone said or where someone was? I don't. I'm going right now. Goando. That's how you say going.

Mix it up. Yeah. Come up with your own Spanish. I'm fartando. Hey, guess what? I'm commando. Coming or no no underwear yeah no like so dude she's been she's been doing all my laundry sweet miriam uh the host mother yeah and guess guess who reeks you me yeah here's here's my undies i just walked for 10 miles yeah thank you so much she's that's why

they don't that's why they don't care about anything going on they're like you're fine stay here we're not gonna barter your life for supplies dude she's four foot six uh and i walked in on her yesterday folding my laundry and she was holding up a pair of my undies and just laughing holding up a pair of my giant underpants and giggling you've been there two weeks and it's still funny to her it's funny i think this is the first time she did my undies because i had a bunch of undies when i got here but then i've been walking around so i burned through like two pairs a day i go through undies when I got here, but then I've been walking around, so I burn through two pairs a day. I go through undies like Becker goes through cigarettes.

Three an hour. Yeah, exactly. Damn. That's a good pace. She could literally sleep fully wrapped in one pair of my undies.

She'd hang them up like a hammock yeah dude luckily Andy's here luckily my boy 23 year old Andy king of the internet he lives there as well he's her son and God if he wasn't around I could not have a conversation

because he's more patient or what because he speaks English yeah supposed to though he's a bad boy he's not supposed to though. He's a bad boy. He's not supposed to but he does because we're friends. Porque están amigos. Estamos. No, no. Están.

Him and who? Somebody else? Him and Emily. He's cucking me. I like that video of you guys watching that. I loved getting corrected there that was fun one hour a day god my one friend in the world and his neighbor and they're both correcting me i'm not correcting anything you're my friend too i don't know anything do you know any did you take german or french i can't

remember if we've talked about it i took spanish but the teacher made an agreement that if i didn't come back to class she'd give me a passing grade yeah awesome you're raising hell yeah i was just in there trying to get laid i gave up on it like on like the second week and i was just trying to hook up with like five of the girls in that class and I was relentless. So teacher, how do you say coming? Commando. Commando. Okay, I'm out of here.

Hey, call me Mondo. Yep. Senora Bacali was like, yeah, just if you don't come back, I'll give you a C. Just don't ever come back. He stopped getting all of my students hooked on the horse i had miss pigeon she loved me but i had to transfer and i ended up taking french stewart i learned to speak bulky who's that joke for not our not our millennial crowd me just for me oh man oh i couldn't think

of his name bronson pincho i'm full oh yeah french stewart was in third rock from the sun damn it yeah damn it i'm correcting you again. Yeah, this sucks. I'm trying to raise you right. Hey, check this out. Is it water or is it a secret flavor of Gatorade that's been outlawed in the States because it kills too many lab rats? What flavor is it? Apple ice. Whoa. Yeah, dude, it rules.

Check that out. It's a top heavy bottle. It's got them. It is. Yeah. It looks like a person kind of that's a weird weird move they call it a bishop down here it's a bush trips of gatorade yeah all right make work ecuador is worth it worth the unrest for the gatorades

i'll see you guys later be Becker, just fake it. Just stay here. I can't. I have a meeting. I have a meeting. I'm a business guy now. I have to go off to my meeting even though I'm wearing a mustard plug shirt and smoking two cigarettes. Yeah, it's a sweet

job. Alright, I'll see you guys later. See you later, Becker. This is how you sound. Yeah. He knows that's not how he he sounds he has a high-pitched voice becker there it is pussy getting convention spanish oh you know after i got back i was still having the little like pep talk before i'd like go into a store or gas station. Like, okay, what do I have to say in Spanish?

And it's like, oh yeah, nothing. I'm back in America. That was weird. But you had to keep, you're not going to be able to quit. You're going to come back and talk Spanish way too much. Yeah. And poorly still. That'll be great.

I won't be able to turn it off. And I also won't be able to communicate it off and i also won't be able to communicate that's exactly what i want it's tough dude and also i can't i'm having a hard time like communicating in english now too because everything i think i'm thinking of in spanish or figuring out how to say it in spanish which means reducing it down to its like smallest component parts so it's uh it's not going to be good when i get back i might not come back you might not be able to you might have to stay down there what if i become a warlord well yeah when you said they that the president dissolved congress i was like all right what's

the military up to because usually they step in and say yay or nay on whether the president stays or goes i don't know if they're loyal to him or if they're gonna do their own thing get a little sassy with the prez yeah i don't think that they have police here i've seen two police cars here the whole time i've been in ecuador yeah yeah so i think if shit does hit the fan i'm gonna be bumpo the human table pretty quick they're just gonna eat meals i'll have me on a leash yeah i hope it's just meals i hope or maybe they'll play chess off my back. That'd be cool.

Maybe I'm going to hang out with like the, you know, the aristocrats and the literati, all the intellectuals. No, they're the first to go. Yeah, fuck. I mean, I'll be OK, right? White comedian. Rising star. Maybe I'll be like the judge maybe I'll fucking rise up like Colonel Kurtz and they'll all worship me

because of my immense stature and perfect shaped head yeah you're gonna have to shave your shave your dome I know yeah go hairless Lieutenant Duddy is here say hi Duddy he here. Say hi, Duddy.

Duddy, Duddy. He just talks like a Pokemon. Shit, man. I don't know what the next few days are going to look like for you, but hopefully everything's cool. Hopefully you don't get a bag put over your head. Yeah, I don't know if i would be bagged i don't think i would get the respect to a bag person i think i just get like hit upside the

head with like a fucking horseshoe and then i'll wake up with my pants torn down and a salty taste in my mouth your pants torn down like an old building yeah exactly okay it's a controlled demolition and they just keep blasting and blasting we inspected we inspected your shorts and we determined that the infrastructure was crumbling and it couldn't be saved yeah well yeah we had an inside source and i'm like miriam and she's like oh chisto chisto i mean i have learned a lot of spanish and i'm employing it and that's cool but uh it is still just like a fucking headache dude it's exhausting speaking spanish all the time the fucking heat is on so that's cool oh god oh wow complaining about being able to control

the temperature of your house how first world of you oh yeah i forgot how tough you have it with miriam doing your laundry yeah so i don't like that though i don't like tiny hands on my big undies yeah now that you should do your own i can't i also can't set the table i also can't make coffee anytime i say uh you know puerto a ser like la cafe she says no no no no i'll do it i mean god bless her but we we paid to be in her house but we didn't pay for her do you guys want to be my friend miriam yeah that's weird but i don't know she was given these instructions or is she just trying to be like super nice i think she's really good at her job and she takes pride in it, but it makes me feel like I've hired

some kind of slave, as they call them, in your part of the world. We call them friends down here. Friends with benefits. That's what I was going to say. Down here, they're just friends. Everybody's friends. Friends with benefits. The benefit is they do all the work for you and

they you can build your economy on their on the labor that they provide and you're gonna fuck them whoa they can't say no leave miriam alone and and not don't bang andy i'm not gonna bang andy andy and i are hallway pals. We hang out. Miriam secretly has them. That's pretty cool. We went out for... I had a big weekend, man. Did I tell you about my bike ride yet? No, not on the pod. So it doesn't count.

Dude, we... We went up to Chimborazo, which is the closest point on the Earth to the Sun because of the bulge of the equator so like everest is taller of course but chimborazo is fucking gigantic dude i got up to 16 200 feet before i tapped and threw up whoa i puked i gorfed how'd you get up there so me and Duddy and Andy because it's Andy's birthday so we took him up to Chimborasa with us uh me Andy Emmy and the dud man went up to the mountain

and this guy Eddie's truck who's a tour guide and uh so it's like an hour and a half from where we're staying in Rio Bamba and we go up Chimboraza and Chimboraza. I don't know. And we're like driving through the clouds. And the reason we're going up there is so we can do a 30 kilometer bike ride down the mountain. And the whole time we're driving up, he's like, oh, yes, I've had many people break their arms and they hit it. The head of their nads and rip of their sacks. hit of the head tear their nads and rip of their sacks this broken english includes nads you know some words and one of them is nads

it's from all the it's all the tourists yelling, ow, my neck! Yeah, he put it together. Oh. Context clues. They beefer their scrots. They chafe their trods. Their

dwanguses are beefed. It is worse when the ladies have them. It is no good because they cannot reach the handlebars because of having them. Whatever you do on the bicycle, do not get Pingo Jones.

He learned his English from our podcast. Oh, shit. Pingo Jones. He learned his English from our podcast. Shit. That would be the worst. He'd be useless. He thinks he's speaking English, but people are like, what the hell are you talking about? What kind of pigeon is this? Yeah, they think he's insane.

No flowers. Before we ride. think he's insane no flowers before we ride i must light a candle for bako before we go go i'm feeling it uh so we get up there but while we're driving up we're driving on the fucking road we're going to be riding back down on and there's giant potholes all throughout the highway and he just keeps talking about how mangled everyone's stumps are getting and i keep turning over my shoulder and looking at emily and being like what the fuck are we doing at one point he had to get out of the truck to uh protect our backpacks from street bandits and when he got out of the truck i turned to emily and andy and my dad and i was like

what the fuck we gotta bail we gotta get out of here meanwhile poor eddie is outside like fighting off you know the dudes who come by and they try and squeegee your your windshield yeah so they have teams of those at red lights here but two of them go for your windshield and like blind your windshield with soap and then two more of them hop in the back of your truck and steal whatever they can so as soon as we got to a red light he just like hopped out like ready to go mac johnson style with a knife yeah back back back back i must protect duddy's granola bars so anyway yeah it was it was fucked and scary on the drive up and i was just having a panic attack the whole drive up.

Like, I'm going to die. I'm going to die on this mountain. It's going to be very bad. It's all potholes and wild dogs. My nads are going to be wrecked. Yeah. They're not going to be able to bury me whole because my fucking scrote's going to go flying off the road.

My chungus is gonna get exploded it's it's just so nice to talk to you man no one's made me laugh in english in days besides emmy she's pretty funny. She's funny as hell. Today, this morning, my dad's sick. He's like, you know, enfermo, as we say. And she was describing to me and Miriam at breakfast about my dad. Because this weekend, we're going to Bonyo's, which is this, like, sick outdoor adventure spot up here. Down here, I guess. I'm sorry. sorry my english is bad it's just a giant toilet dude it's called bathroom and no one thinks it's funny the four times i brought that up we're going to bonyos okay bring

your own toilet paper because they really they really swindle you if you don't have your own my family's going to the bathroom just fucking tumbleweeds can't wait to go to the bathroom with my family we're all gonna go to the bathroom together doesn't hit just keeps missing yeah um yeah this morning though what she said she was like oh yeah david k quiere... She wanted to say David wants to be better for this weekend. But instead she said, David quiere mujer esta

fin de semana. Which is, he wants to have a woman. Yeah, exactly. So Miriam thought that was very chistoso. That actually, that little misspeak on Emily's behalf killed harder than any Bono jokes I've done since I found out about the Bonos. It's a weird, wild place. You know what?

Hey, revolutionary forces, come take me now. Because if I have to bomb every damn day down here, I don't want to live. Come take me now. Because if I have to bomb every damn day down here, I don't want to live. Okay, so you are headed to the top of the mountain with Eddie, who's fending off bag thieves. Yeah, bandits and talking about his dwanger. So by the time we arrive, I'm full panic mode. And then he says, okay, now we're going to go on a walk up the mountain to this lagoon.

And Emily told me that the walk was going to be a half hour. Well, when we see the sign, it says three hours to get up to the lagoon. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And at this point, we're at at like i think when we got there was 15 300 feet so then we start walking and he says we must go real slow because if you don't you get sick man so we're we're like baby stepping up the side of this mountain it's very sheer it's like fucking the angle is like this you know what i mean yeah yeah so i got i think i almost got a thousand more feet up i got to 16 too before i was spinning and i just kept saying oh siento baracho and they would all laugh and i was like no sirio and they were like so yeah i had to sit down and

then emily's like are you okay and i was like no i'm having a panic attack and i also have altitude sickness this sucks i don't like anything about this you suck eddie sucks andy's cool duddy wants a woman uh so they just sent me down they were like all right well we're gonna keep going so you go down and i was like please so i have to now i'm the big fat white guy descending the hill and there's a bunch of you know there's like an eight-year-old girl like running up the steps you know there's like a 75 year old andean woman who's like moonwalking up them meanwhile i'm like almost in tears walking down the fucking steps just in their way because they're barely wide enough for my body so now everyone has to get out of the way for me to roly-poly

my way down yeah very demoralizing longer hedgehog Hedgehog. God, I wanted fucking Hedgehog style so bad. I literally thought about that. I was like, it'd be cool if I could just roll down these, but everyone would be mad at me. Just like a bowling ball knocking people off of the hill. Yeah, and he's like, no one can be mad at you. You paid extra so that nobody can be mad at you yes you paid the premium so anyway i get down to the bottom and like halfway down i just throw up

just barfed everywhere all over the stairs on the stairs why didn't you turn your head there was nowhere to go dude it was all stairs no i wanted to let him know this is me i thought you rode the bike so i did so i got to the bottom shit and then finally come back down an hour and a half later and they were up there they sprinkled my dad's ashes or my dad's ashes my mom's he burned a little bit of his finger and then spread it i'm sick of mom getting all the ash love spread my it sounds deep spread spread my ashes while i'm alive

yeah and he's everyone's like whoa profound meanwhile he's just jealous because everyone's talking about my mom now mom's never been as popular as when she was reduced to dust how can i get this so they come back down after spreading mom's ashes and uh i'm like you know wrecked i'm like well i have to ride down in the truck now with eddie like a total fucking just pudwack monster and he he serves up some coca leaf tea all of a sudden oh yeah dude you felt better yeah i felt like uh starting a business and uh playing middle linebacker for the giants in the 80ss. I mean, it it totally as and as as Eddie would say, it totally chorped my Gorbis.

It rocked my nub. He kept saying, this will rock your nub, dude. So we drank that tea and then I was like all right look i didn't say it aloud but my thought process was okay i have to ride this bike down because if i don't i'm gonna look like a pussy in front of all the dudes and my wife's gonna think i'm a baby i'm still trying to get up in her sweet pink glove so it's one of those things like you ever think about if uh if someone god forbid attacked you and creech you have to risk your own life to prevent her from dying because if you don't she's never gonna love you again so it's either die or she falls out of love with you and you're totally like emasculated forever i think you have to die

yeah right also i would yeah i'd rather like die trying to save her than watch her die and then just be here dicking around and if we both survive it would be yeah be tough she would win every argument and be like hey babe you mind doing some laundry and she's like you mind not saving my life i don't know i guess yeah it would be tough to combat that i think she's gonna leave you i for sure she leaves you in that situation she doesn't ride it out with you i don't know she's pretty hooked yeah i don't know i don't think emily would ride with me i think she'd be like uh pass what the fuck was that you flinched and shoved me in front of that guy's blade no we're out of here yeah i don't know i think that

i think you just have to fucking die i mean but the thing is, if she does get so worst case scenario is not that she dies. Worst case scenario is that she dies. And then when you tell the story, you don't get any pussy out of it. Yeah, you sound like an asshole. Yeah, I mean, we'll think about it. No, my wife was murdered in front of my eyes. What did you do? Sort me me off i pissed my pants i peed and cried a little i don't know i made a joke i said ladies first and they took it seriously i mean isn't that the equality they want though though? Isn't that what they're... That's why they march, right? For the chance to get murdered? To save their husband instead of waiting to be saved?

Yeah. It's like, I'm not allowed to be turned on forever because you saved my life? Because if you do save them, you just get whole on demand forever. Yeah. Interesting. Worth it? Yeah. hole on demand forever yeah interesting worth it yeah well man we keep getting to the bottom of stuff on this episode i'm really proud of us revelations yes so anyway the bikes come out he fucking pulls that seat up as high as it can go and we hop on and the first nine kilometers are down the mountain through the clouds on these switchback fucking mountain roads that are unpaved and all dirt and it was it was the most beautiful thing i've ever done i'm so glad that i didn't pussy out wait so it was okay so you you had to bail on a hike to a lagoon but you waited for them where you would start the bike ride anyway.

Yeah. So he like parked in the parking lot and then they went up to hike the lagoon. And I mean, Emily said the lagoon honked and it wasn't cool. Actually, she said that Eddie said the lagoon honked. But that's crazy. I saw I saw pictures of it. it was not it was not bad it looked pretty sick but yeah so i made it like an hour and then they walked for like another hour and a half up and down and then the i was with i was with the trucks so i was at the truck where

all the bikes were so when they got back you know i was why i was guarding the stuff and dude i just it's just me sitting there next to five bicycles in a big truck and all these families of you know local indigenous and german tourists are showing up and they just see me sitting in the truck with the five bikes i didn't drive up there with five bicycles to chill i couldn't make it they all know what happened i couldn't make the hike so i had that to deal with for an hour and a half you couldn't try to sell the bikes maybe i didn't drive up there with five bikes he's a bike guy he's a bike he's a bike salesman for sure the local entrepreneur so they they came back to the truck. We drank that Coke of tea and then hopped on the bikes.

And I don't know if you've ever seen me when I'm experiencing pure joy, but I just laugh really hard. I just go. That's how I sound when I'm like on cloud nine. And I was in clouds for nine kilometers literally just ripping down this hill i've heard you laugh like that when i'm on stage oh yeah and i'm just like seeing the face of god for sure well yeah that's sick though that it was it was a happy ending, that you were able to have a nice redemption song. Yeah, dude.

I just, on that bike for those nine kilometers, then we got down to the paved roads and rode down the paved roads. But, man, just ripping through the clouds so high above the earth, just looking out and seeing and seeing like goats and this weird indigenous camel they have up there that they introduced to that mountainside because it was going extinct god damn yeah it was special it's a special time thanks duddy duddy fell down thanks for letting your belly button say. Duddy fell down after the bike ride? Yeah, after the Coke of Tea, he got thwacked.

No. He... The nine kilometers were on dirt and then there was 21 more. When we got to the end of the nine kilometers, he tried to do a cool guy move and beefed it and fell down on his shoulder real hard in front of like some real hot chicks.

Jeez. Some Australian chicks saw him just fucking hit it. And they were like, oh my god, are you okay man? I can't do the voice. But he's okay. Now he's sick. Yeah.

Now he's enferma. now he's enferma because he's a girl yeah he wants to be a woman he doesn't want a woman yeah and then dude like when we got down like we were his balls got wrecked and he was like quiero ser mujer muy bien i'd like to see you go toe-to-toe with these people here with your spanish mujer. Si. Muy bien. I'd like to see you go toe-to-toe with these people here with your Spanish. I'm not great at understanding native speakers because it's so much it's muy

rapido and there's so much like slang and things that can be regionally colloquially different. So it's tough. I'm good at speaking most of what i need to say to people but it's tough to understand people so i would i would struggle yeah they say chevrolet that's how they say cool so that's fun che as well, or if it's just Ecuador.

I don't know. Their whole thing is pointing out how they're different from Mexico. They love doing that because I keep being like in Mexico and they're like, shut up. I'm like, okay, no more Mexico stories for you. Damn. Until like two days ago, they literally thought i was a clown they thought i put on makeup and clowned around the host family yeah because that's how you described yeah yeah i was like yeah soy un payaso and they were like okay and i was like yeah yeah uh i'll say uh i'll say bromas or i'll go bromas you know i tell jokes i make jokes yeah but they thought yeah literal payaso dude they have this uh they have this like orange salsa here called ahi and they serve it everywhere you go with every meal

and it's bomb and i keep just like dumping it on my plate and they're like oh you know because they think that i can't handle it and then i handle it and then everyone comes out of the kitchen to watch me eat it i keep bringing more and they want me to like repeat the process. It's just vinegar, hot sauce. It's no big deal. Yeah. Huh? Anyway, I've been hogging this episode. I'm sorry.

I just haven't talked to anyone in English for a long time. Hog it. What do you got? What's going on with you? I'm in fucking Trinidad. I'm going to Janesville, Wisconsin this weekend. So I got stuff going Trinidad. I'm going to Janesville, Wisconsin this weekend. So I got stuff going on.

But yeah, no, nothing as crazy as biking down a mountain high on Coke tea and then experiencing political turmoil. I mean, we got to vote for a new mayor in November, but that hasn't heated up yet. Another day at the office here. We got the bear that keeps coming up out of the gully next to our house and knocking over trash cans. But it can't get into ours because we have. Yeah, there isn't any trash. Yeah, no, I'm doing a no waste. Twenty twenty three.

I have to eat everything. It's making me stronger, but it's tough. A lot of cardboard, which is like fiber. But yeah, the bear, it's crazy to just like know that he's out there at night in the dark. Trying to feed. Living your best life. I've been pissing in the front yard. Trying to keep him at bay.

Let him know there's another bear around. That's good. You got it. Well, and then I thought, am I, like, going to, am I taunting him with my piss? Is it going to anger him? It's not like he's probably going to get scared and be like, oh, God, I have to stay away. It's like you're throwing down a wet gauntlet. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah. He could see it as a challenge and be like, Oh man, I can't wait to fuck up. Whoever's peeing out here. Interesting. Maybe you have a, like a bunch of guys come over and pee and then he gets it. It's like,

you know, he thinks it's like a gay bathhouse. This is a commune. Yeah. I better stay away. Lest I get made into a sex slave. Emmy and my dad can't

get over no molest. No me moleste. Yeah. Like when you go to because we have our phones in Spanish mode now so like when you said like do not disturb it's no molestar and Emily must make a joke about it twice a day

she's leaning on it oh she loves it it's her crutch she's like an old man standing near a waterfall saying no molestar that tignitaro had a joke about that she had like a 40 minute chunk about it but i can't admit to my wife that i've watched tig notaro god it's like it's like letting someone molest her in front of me it's the same thing i'll be i'll just be emotionally cucked forever how long is becker's meeting why i'm just curious if he's gonna make it back or not you're worried you think pod's going so poorly we need becker no no i am excited about the watching him freak out about getting tattooed for the first time yeah pat's gonna come film it i keep thinking about it because when i got my tattoos i was manic and fearless like i did not i could have

gotten a tattoo on my eye and i wouldn't have cared yeah you could have got it on the tip of your teen and i did yeah that was cool it's my face it says exit only it's like uh yeah i was like just in case i don't want anybody sticking a q-tip in there it's like when they write someone's name on a grain of rice that was my face on your dick yeah I had to go to the Las Vegas strip do you know what you're going to get so we're all getting

bako tattoos thanks to the Patreon members we really are cooking over there. We're blasting a lot of hot pod. You can join that Patreon. You can go to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. It's five bucks a month, and you can get an extra episode every week. Not every month.

That'd be a bad deal. This isn't war mode. Then also, you can see us get tattoos. tattoos we're gonna make a fun little video out of it i'm kind of curious how he's gonna bako's gonna look in black and white like is it going to translate it's gonna look like a turtle i think it'll look like a turtle. It's got the turtle bandana on its face and turtle-shaped head. Yeah, but then if it's clear, then it's going to look like a white guy. So it's just going to look like a fucking nom veteran? Some dude.

I don't know. I'm curious about it. I don't know. I'm curious about it. I was like, do we need gray color to take the place of green? I don't know. We'll see. I don't know, man.

I have a strict no color policy on my body. Yeah. When did that come about? I've never had any color tattoos. I think they're stupid. They fade. They look gross. Okay. Well, yeah. had any color tattoos i don't i think they're stupid they fade they look gross okay well yeah

i just didn't know if there was some moment where you decided or if you promised your dad or something when you were in high school no color on your body no he was yeah i had to promise my grandpa you know what i mean yeah and there was an ed at the end of the word see as he dies rock hard yes we're working no not that grandpa my mom's dead okay yeah that grandpa was married to a mexican lady before it was cool uh so yeah we're locked in for june 3rd yeah mine's gonna say i'm mine's gonna say i'm a guy yeah that's fun yeah i don't know i haven't decided yet what i want him to say you'd probably think that you would get Sam T. Nation, but I guess not.

It's not really hitting upstairs. Alright. Interesting. No, I guess, yeah, that makes sense. Or maybe I'll get best friends, huh? Chevelle Rocks.

Try to incorporate my other we're gonna have to put down a uh like a fucking tarp for becker because he's totally gonna blow it yeah he's gonna pass out passing out would be fine because we can do whatever we want to when he's passed out that's the rule that's in the contract that he signed makes the tattoo easier you can stop crying if he's unconscious yeah you still got that is that that's my elf bar that i gave you uh yeah you're able to charge it yeah i have a charger nice yours shit out like a day after I got home. Thank God we did the switch. Yeah. Well, and I was just curious about that one because when we were in Mexico, I was blasting that thing 24-7. Well, next week we have a new sponsor who can maybe help you kick your nicotine addiction.

Maybe not, though. Oh, yeah. I got that in the mail. I meant to ask you guys. What the fuck well we'll talk about it next week good call you got anything come on we're 10 minutes left what do we have to do something good don't we have to read something for this week no we have we don't have any this week oh okay no ads this week you thought we had filler it's a weird world

that we live in i just thought that it was more than a week commitment. You were coasting. No, it's like monthly. I don't know. They rotate them. But anyway, here's this. I almost orchestrated a psyop against young Noah Reynolds yesterday, but I called it off

after two... After what? What'd you say? i can't hear you but you can hear me yeah you moved you can't move there's dangerous repercussions if you move at all you danced with the devil can I can't hear you. So Sam's dead. Long live Lund. This is a Lund podcast now. Sam Rekt is going, getting out of bed,

and he shit his pants. He's going to have to mail them to Peru as a political statement it's so funny that you can hear me and i can't hear you well what did you do connecting to audio good call there you go can you hear me you disconnected from yeah you disconnected from audio somehow yeah but are you hearing me through the microphone though yeah you always ask that it's like i think so like what do you i don't know does it sound the same yes as it did before yeah yeah yeah

okay okay and we're back in everybody so i So I almost, I was, here's what happened with me yesterday. I'm off Instagram. I'm off the gram. I kicked the habit on the gram. Not really, no, because you outsourced it. So you still get, I guess you're not seeing the noties. You're not like getting the feedback. Okay, but you know that you're still out there

getting love yeah once a day i check the messages if there's anything necessary in there i'll answer those but otherwise i'm totally off the gram and it feels good i'm kicking the habit i'm fucking cranking out a lot of words per day out here writing i'm really gone back to nature i'm really ascending if only i wasn't a big fat guy i'd be like the total package yeah you'd be like lex luger hooked on pills god i've got those somas down here and after that bike ride i really wanted to crank all of them but i didn't need any of them and that would have been appropriate why didn't you have one to help you relax your muscles i don't know because i didn't need any of them and that would have been appropriate. Why didn't you have one to help you relax your muscles? I don't know. Cause I didn't want to use it as an excuse to get all pilled up weird

relationship with drugs. Yeah. You bought them and now you're not going to take them. Yeah. Even after I went on like a crazy long ass bike ride and I earned it. It's the first time I've ever earned a sweet buzz you didn't want to mix your coca tea and your somas which was probably smart that's what got draws he's he's alive oh he is yeah he's probably pilled up though he's paralyzed so he probably

parties god i hope he's pilled up imagine being a wheelchair and not being totally blasted 24-7. Gwacked. Yeah, just so doinked that you think you can walk again. So doinked that you think Doink the Clown's a good worker? Anyway. He was the first one. Okay. All right.

What was that guy's name? Brian Torbis? Matt Bourne, I i think was the first one nice god where did we go wrong okay i'm back what we can't talk about doink he's he's got an episode of dark side of the ring coming out are there new episodes of that yes but they're not on hulu and you can't watch them on youtube tv it's fucked it's like there's a stranglehold on the one one of like five shows that i want to watch and it's like oh yeah you can't maybe you can buy them on youtube i know last for last season's uh like last eight episodes i bought them on youtube

maybe i'll watch them on only fans like all my friends embarrassing comedy content yeah what's that pivot i don't fucking know dude but it seems desperado you're out riding fences no one's booking you so you sign up to only fans we definitely need another website that we have to create content for but at least you're getting paid well i wonder how many people are just getting tricked into thinking they're going to see alec flynn's sick dick and instead they have to see his week five which is also his dick that's right uh yeah my first thought was that it would be just a bunch of pervs in your inbox being like dump them out and it's like that's not what i'm here for and it's like you're

on only fans like they're trying something new shut up shut up and put your foot in your mouth take my money put your mouth suck a suck a big cucumber for me anyway Alec Flynn hope you make a bunch of money on there cool dick you can see Alec Flynn opening up for me at Laugh Boston with Lund Alec hosting Lund featuring September 9th and 8th

but anyway what'd you do to Noah oh Noah so remember that message that we got from Sammy Anser? Yes. So Sammy Anser is orchestrating the St. Jude charity basketball game going on June 4th in Centennial, Colorado. I'm not getting paid for it, so I'm not going to promote it anymore. But, you know, whatever.

Yeah, we're doing a nice thing. Yeah, no, it's cool but anyway little noah reynolds and his uh sexual life partner jacob rup are there's four games and rup and noah are doing the first two games because they're the jv because uh you know they they go first that's when the jv game happens it happens on thursday varsity plays on friday so noah he pushed back against the notion of him not headlining and he sent a message to sammy answer that said we are headlining those slobs are probably going to want to eat those cancer kids anyway which is one of the weakest jokes

I've ever heard. What do you think? Well, he leans on the fat thing a lot and it's like, yes, we're fat. We talk about it, but for him to do it, it's like, yeah, you can't keep going to that. Well, especially because he doesn't, yeah, he doesn't get really creative with it. It's just kind of you're fat and you're going to eat something that isn't food. And you're huge. Right. So the fact that he was demanding to headline and then followed it up as evidence of his comedic prowess with, those slobs are probably going to want to eat those cancer kids anyway,

I thought was a brutal embarrassment. And I took it to him directly tell him to save it for his only fans i sent him that screenshot and i said this type of quote and he said no that was funny don't be nasty i said truly an embarrassing moment in a young man's life. You should be ashamed of yourself. Captured forever on the internet for all to see. And then he said, no way. So at this point, I enlisted a couple of my friends.

I got old Patrick and I told him about it. And I said, hey, Pat, here's the deal. I'm going to send you the screenshot. And then you respond with the screenshot followed by, you know, something nasty about Noah. So Pat responded with, you see this shit is little bro joking. T F bad joke. And I responded with, I know everyone is talking about it. And I screenshot that and send it to Noah.

Followed by Emily. I repeated the process with Emily. And she tagged it with, LOL, what a dog shit joke. And I said, I know. People keep sending it to me. It's all everyone's talking about. Oh, boy. and i sent this to noah and then i got uh alex creasy and vanderplug involved and at that point i was like well this

is way too much how bored am i down here in ecuador i'm trying to fucking sigh up a child so you're on instagram you need need something. I guess, dude. But when I don't have the fucking empty moments of my life occupied by scrolling, I just become some kind of Machiavellian MK Ultra-esque fiend. Yeah, puppet master. I guess, dude. It's very terrible. And I told him eventually, all right, noah you've been psyoped welcome to hell operation operation freak back on the leash

he didn't like it he said yeah you're very transparent and i may have talked about his parents being trans and we haven't talked since but that's a little glimpse inside the empty evil mind of sam t yeah i well i would imagine i would hope that noah knows you well enough to realize you asked five people to do something as opposed to the like the masses blasting him but also he's pretty dumb so i'll bet it worked and then it's good that you let him off the hook and now he can worry about a million other things that don't matter yeah i mean i would prefer that he thought that he was like uh you know at the center

of some kind of nasty nasty gossip circle. That's what I wanted to achieve. But the fact that the first two were Emily and Patrick, you knew of course, right away that it was an inside job. Yeah. Yeah. You would have needed some randos. Yeah, I know. I mean, I really, really,

I just thought that joke was, I thought that joke was just so lame that I wanted him to feel bad about it. I would imagine he wasn't serious when he told Sammy that they should headline. Also, it's not headlining. It's just calling two basketball games that are later in the day. That's asinine. I want to do commentary on their commentary

well we can't be funny we should be that we should be there early watch them and then write down quotes of theirs or zingers that we want to know i mean live yeah i know while they're commenting we it can be like oh noah reynolds going back to the well on the black joke about brian sullivan oh what an embarrassing day on the microphone for reynolds let's see if jacob rup can find his own ass with both hands oh calling kate strobel kate strobel beefing his own squeak yet again and this commentary team is oh for two out of the gates okay let's see brant tober backwards hat baggy basketball shorts what will they do with this burnt tofer oh good god in heaven another huge l for the itchy and scratchy of basketball

commentary jacob rup and noah reynolds so comics are playing the basketball yeah oh okay well yeah we can have fun with that i think the rule is no bras allowed so that'll be pretty cool the kids the kids were like please no bras if we could have anything other than a cure for cancer, it's that there should be a rule strictly enforced that there's no bras. We're going to die without ever knowing the insides of a lady, so let's see what their parts look like pressed against a very thin white T, unrestrained. Before I pass into the next realm, I have one request. Dump him.

Before I get on the bang bus to heaven with Gianna Michaels and Brandi Taylor. What if God was driving the bang bus? That makes so much sense. Wouldn't he outsource that task? Maybe. He is just like us. According to who is that joan osborne jesus yeah why do i know i was a 90s kid

listening on the radio while you had fucking vinyl of the cramps i was listening to joan osborne yeah you were listening to i'm a bitch i'm a lover i'm a child meredith brooks yeah damn you knew her name yeah it's all in there it's all bouncing around before i drank and smoked weed i remember everything before i partied it's just burned we got to get it out of there i want to go in there with a big melon baller and just scoop out the useless parts of your brain get rid of all those wrestling facts and it's just i just want to reduce you to a man who knows who has them that's all you can talk about at dinner parties people are like have you heard about the turmoil in ecuador and you're like oh my god there was this girl once I saw at Walmart. She had them. OK.

We were aisle buddies everywhere I went. There they were. Mr. Lund, where were you on the evening of February 15th? I don't know, but there was a girl once who totally had them. I didn't think she did. And then she totally did. It was crazy. She did.

Yeah. I'm going to hold you in contempt. I wanted to hold them in my mouth. What did you have? What? Did you have something? Something to say? Goodbye.

Adios. Hasta luego. God, this was a weird episode i'm i i gotta just say i think that i'm a little uh i'm a little afraid honestly listeners i hope i survive yeah i think you'll be good i just wouldn't uh tell anybody how many instagram followers you have or you may be used as a political bargaining chip with the US. Luckily, I don't have that many. You could get Brittany Griner'd.

They could arrest you for having that elf bar. You'd be like, it's Lon's. It was Lon's. Put it in my bag. He's always framing me. He it in my bag. He's always framing me. He wanted all my dates. That's right.

Yeah, I want you down there. Speaking of dates, Manitou Springs, June 1st, Denver, Colorado, the 2nd and 3rd. Me and Lund are going to be at Lucha Libre and Laughs at the Oriental Theater. Buy tickets to that because that will sell out. June 6th, Fort Collins. Come see me. Remember how to do stand-up comedy. June 8th, Washington, D.C., Comedy Loft. June 9th,

Port Comedy Club in Baltimore. June 10th, Pottstown, PA at Soul Joel's. June 11th, Pittsburgh, PA at Kingfly Distillery. Milwaukeewaukee wisconsin the 16th and 17th at the laughing tap houston texas i'm coming back i'm bringing lund we're going to be there on june 23rd at the secret group and just that at june 24th hyenas comedy club at fort worth texas i don't know if those tickets are on sale yet but buy them them. SamTalent.com has all your dates. Join the Patreon. Chubby Behemoth on Patreon. Lund, what do you got? This weekend, May 18th and 19th, I'm at the Comedy Cabin. Thanks to Two Beers with Nathan. Chubby Chaser himself. That's in

Janesville, Wisconsin. Website is CabinLabs.com. June 9th, I'm in Tulsa at Renaissance Brewery closing out the insults attack comedy roast battle. And then June 10th. I'm at the 51st Street Speakeasy in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Thanks to James Neame and Robot Save City. There's a Facebook event for that. And then, yeah, Houston and Dallas with you. And then July 15th, 15th and 16th, I'm at

the Savage Henry Comedy Club. That's July 14th and 15th. Savage Henry Comedy Club in beautiful Humboldt County, California. If you're a new listener, make sure you go check out NathanLund.com that has all the information you need to know about Nathan. It really lets you know who he is and what he stands for. I just left it up. I haven't gotten any concerned messages yet or excited messages from my mom.

Hey, I saw the website. Oh, dude, you should tell Kim. Kim's a listener. Kim, reach out to your mom and send her I saw the website. Oh, dude. You should tell Kim. Kim's a listener. Kim, reach out to your mom and send her a link to NathanLund.com. Maybe that'll smooth things over. Pass. Pass.

All right. I love you guys. Bye-bye.