Chubby Behemoth - Cool Head

Episode Date: March 23, 2023

Extra episodes at Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Two Lunds. Doggy Course. Sluts Only.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

toward us you're jealous of my podcasting success and so you wanted to copy my standing ways no i just didn't like the sense of superiority you had as you loomed over us you could digital your digital tower you felt like my dick was right by your prone head yeah it was like you were resting your balls on my forehead and saying stoops on yeah so now i'm also standing up and you're no longer better than me well sorry to say i'm standing on a small ottoman which makes me megan measured before she went to work seven one so suck on that i'm glad you guys have projects that's good keep it fresh i didn't want to say anything but i'm standing on one leg so that kind of gives me even more of a sense of like balance and stability than you have okay i guess work in your core meanwhile becker

engaged very good becker upside down have you ever had someone come up to you and be like hey uh try and stand on one leg for 10 seconds and then you do it and they're like yeah if you can't stand on 10 legs 10 on one leg for 10 seconds you're gonna pass away early it's like a sign of health to see if you can stand on one leg oh yeah that was like can you touch your elbows behind your back wasn't you can stand on one leg oh yeah that was like can you touch your elbows behind your back wasn't that the dude whoever asks you to do that is like trying to get a peek at your dong or your chest or something no no touch your elbows behind your back was a master stroke of deception and logic and uh whichever whichever young horn dog came up with that i owe him a cold beer because

that duped a lot of simple gals back in sixth grade yeah i wonder hey heidi hartman can you touch your elbows behind your back of course well let's see it and then you stand there with your tongue out. You can't get into honors classes unless you can touch your elbows behind your back and name 10 books. That should have been the way that they decided who got to be in the honors. Because if you fell for that, guess what? You're in shop class. You're going to resource. You're not going to AP physics if you fall for that trick.

Which sucks. physics if you fall for that trick which sucks because then you have like this divide between the gals who fall for stuff and the smart girls who don't and i was in the smart classes so it's brutal god i just thought about when i was well when i was in the smart classes uh when i was when i moved to nevada and i was in seventh grade i think i've already told this but uh my transcript my records hadn't come over so they didn't put me into the smarter classes right away so i had to yeah they put you into like a oh okay i had to go to gen pop no are you saying i was with the spies no no not the spies i thought they put you into like a... No. Are you saying I was with the spies? No. No, not the spies.

I thought they put you in like a doggy course for dogs. For animals who were acting up. They put me into stasis. They froze me chemically in a vat until my record showed up because they didn't want to teach

me things that I already knew because they didn't want to teach me things that i already knew and they didn't want to uh assume that i was actually smart and then be wrong and then i'm just gumming up the works in the in the smart kid classes they also couldn't prove you were human i had to they couldn't put you in with other children they had me sit roll over beg i was like put me in the smart glasses yeah i got freaking bullied for that week because i was new kid and uh there was fully developed chad burdo and he would just sock me in the face he just hit me in math be like i'll bet you knew the answer to that and it's like yeah i did it wasn't that hard yeah i don't like that you call the boy

fully developed he was like a dude and i was like a little seven seventh grade like pudglet i was not developed yet i was i was probably five three or whatever he's like 5 11 and like he dressed he was white but he dressed like uh like the mexican like hard dudes did like the giant dicky shorts cholo blanco huge uh white t you know like a 3x white t yeah ghetto gown i love a white t man and he would just fucking suck me dude it sucked i didn't know what to do i i picture fighting him it would have been a nightmare to fight this guy yeah he would have he would have fucking put you on a leash and walked you through the halls instead of you see my new pet would have held his pocket for sure i didn't

know what to do he's lucky he didn't he didn't take your shoes yeah the teachers didn't take your shoelaces they're like you're gonna self-harm because chad's in your class oh man it sucked god just I had normal new kid fear. And then I had, is Chad Bordeaux going to kill me next period fear? Yeah, but it trained you to hang out with alphas like me. That's why you get along with me. People who threaten violence. And now look at you.

You're my best friend. I used to have. Thank you, Chad. I used to have wet dreams involving Chad. No, I used to have thank you Chad I used to have wet dreams involving Chad no I used to I used to fantasize about running into him later in life when I got bigger

and it never happened I used to fantasize about getting beaten up as an adult yeah I wanted closure I wanted to get beaten up as an adult so that I could say goodbye. Say the circle. Be unbroken.

I would hate to see some middle school bully as an adult because things usually don't work out for them. We have nice lives and wives who love us, and we stand up for our award-winning podcast. We have a friend named Becker. We have a Becker. That guy doesn't have a Becker. Yeah, no way. That guy has a friend named becker we have a becker this that guy doesn't have a becker yeah no way that guy has a bunch of becker dvds he's trying to sell at a flea market he's in jail for stealing becker dvds from hollywood video you wouldn't steal a car would you then why would you steal becker dvds yeah those got very specific for a while yeah that must have been a real run on becker pirated left and right uh yeah then he

has to go to jail and he has the same situation you did in seventh grade where he's in there getting punked out yeah and they're like what are you in for and he's like man i don't want to say he's gonna change the way y'all look at me he's all choloed out he has like the one eyebrow carved and skin fade i don't want to say i say i don't want to tell y'all what i'm in for and they're like we got your paperwork man we can check it ourselves or you can tell us and he's like i was bootlegging becker dv. And they're like, respect, man. You've ascended. You're at the top of the hierarchy now.

Yeah, starts running the place. You're going to run the Vice Lords and the Aryan Brotherhood because we can't tell which one you are. Instead of cigarettes. That's the way to go. Becker DVDs are the currency. Yeah. I'd give you seven soups or one Becker season three i'll take that becker dog

yeah we play it eat the soup it's gone becker can entertain me for the rest of my jag what is it uh we got this what's going on are you having one oh i thought mama was having a seizure but she's playing with a toy thank god speaking of i do not have time for her shit speaking of our cool lives about a half hour ago i was uh making coffee and in the kitchen the kitchen sink has a killer, like, adjustable nozzle, you know? It's like you can bend it and have it as high or as low as you want. It rules. Well, I go to, like, move it, and it just pops off.

So there's just water spraying out of the top of the fucking sink. And this is dumb. I don't think i've ever told either of you but i do a thing pretty often where i try to do regular things as if i'm under pressure like uh not unlocking the car because that's easy enough but like things where like if i if i had to do it quickly i want to stay focused and calm yeah like you're detangling a bomb yeah just like just anything where it's like oh if i were being chased right now would i keep a cool head so i kept a cool head but i also didn't turn the faucet off so i calmly like put the thing back on but i i could have just immediately turned the shit off and i wouldn't have gotten drenched yeah instead i got soaked like an idiot

well that's because you have that active world in your mind i was i was i was imagining chad burdo getting ready to hit me and i was like you gotta put the faucet on first stay cool homie i like to think about you uh brushing your teeth or wiping your ass as if there's a gun to your head if the terrorists got me right now i'm not my most vulnerable how quickly could i clean up before i sprang to action one wipe yeah that's right yeah it feels creamy in there i don't care take this who's becky nationals i can't think of even what the hell when i do shit like that but i do it we're like what if what if i had to come in 12 seconds or the world would explode i got for the for the president dies yeah

that's fun. That's a fun way to live. This has been cracking me up. Last night I played darts with a couple of Emily's friends. She got abso. You know what I mean? No way. Oh, she got torn out.

Torn out Tuesdays. Yeah. Tuesday stumblies. Yeah. Torn out of Tuesday and dropped into the frame on Wednesday morning. But on her own ass. Miles was there. Remember Tiny Nipples Miles?

Tiny Nips. How could I forget? Yeah, my boy Miles, he came back from Spokane. So we had one night with him and our friend Joshua. And they both have children the same age. And we were playing darts. And Miles was on my team. And Joshua and Emily were on another team.

And we were trying to figure out a wager to make the game interesting. and Emily on another team and we were trying to figure out like a wager to make the game interesting. So we decided upon that the winner had to post a picture of their baby wearing a t-shirt and written on the t-shirt. It says sluts only. And they have to post it like a family event or something like when there's like a grandmother or an uncle in the picture oh god and i have just been fucking dying because me and miles won last night so little baby griffin has to get posted in a sluts only shirt dude just a photoshop shirt are they gonna have the show no no they have to draw it on a white t in marker and then they're gonna like you know they'll have like a baby on and then you know right at grandma's funeral when they pose with the family they take it off and it says sluts only a baby wearing a sluts only shirt like they're like i'm was

stupid and it's pointing down and it's dick you can put so many funny shirts on a baby. There's so many baby clothes now that try to be funny and sassy. Who is that for? Your parent? Like, who sees it? I guess pictures are shared. The other guys at Meineke. I got the cool baby in the tire yard. Let it be known.

Always some sassy shit. And it's like, oh, yeah. Cool move, kid who can't even talk yet yeah we were all hanging out with our with the babies and little griffin was running around and i kept being like god that guy is just hunting for pussy so yeah that's that's fun if anyone wants to make sluts only shirts go crazy it's yours all right but they have to be for baby three months yeah yeah two or older get out of here oh yeah darts are fun man were. Were they the real? Were they metal?

Metal tips? Yeah, they were real darts. What other darts are there? Sometimes they got the plastic. Our bar has plastic tips, and they're awful. Every two seconds, I was like, hey, these broke. And it's like, yeah, no shit. You have to have plastic darts down there,

because the sons of silence roll through and use them as weapons. This was a night police bar in Fort Collins on a Tuesday tuesday we had metal tips they can trust us still yeah that's the way to go oh yeah how about when we were in tuscaloosa we were all standing uh right by the darts and caleb and was it caleb garrett right yep and uh a couple other comics were playing darts and caleb was pretty tore he's pretty mt style on a friday that was more he was a tuesday night talent he uh like was whipping darts as like his sister's friends were pretty close to the dartboard oh yeah it got a little scary i was like man somebody's gonna take a dart to the head if we're not careful you know what would be even worse is if you hit the board and it bounces off and it goes right into her head because then it's like oh this was this

was the coolest way this could have happened just throwing a dart at someone's head sticking it in there big deal who cares happens every you can ricochet it into someone's skull now we're talking it loses all of its speed when it hits the board though so it wouldn't go in again i'm very good at darts i could stick one in your head off the wall easy especially your big soft head your big squishy dome okay yeah if you got the back where it's still soft yeah in the back where it looks like hot dogs i got the brain stem and then i'm your i'm your puppet i'm your zombie puppet and i do whatever you say what would that be like oh i'll bet we would have immediately gone into an alley no i'm just saying i don't know what

that's like at all to control you as a puppet oh yeah yeah yeah huh what a world that would be uh it was nice to see you last week that was i liked it as well it was a whirlwind man i saw so many of my friends you and m and patrick came over you saw more people than you've ever seen. Friday, yeah, came out of my shell. I really was a debutante. Went and stayed with my friends Landon and Katie. They just moved to Denver. They're very excited. Name drop. Their kid Jack has a bunch of cool Back to the Future toys.

You know what he doesn't have? A Sluts Only shirt. Sluts Only, no, he does not. He's also almost six. So I feel like that would also be too. He's too late. It wouldn't be. If he can read the shirt, it's a problem.

Right. On a baby. Hilarious. Yeah. On a six year old is like, oh, boy, this is the kid of a pickup artist. He's young, like, you know, trying to get a kid good at sports as soon as he can walk. Just like trying to get him laid. Have you seen that video of the pickup artist who has like an Austrian accent?

And it was like a Channel 5 video back in the day. Or All Gas, No Brakes. Dad, get out of here. Go on. Yeah. Jesus. What's duddy doing duddy he had to take his walk at 11 30 so i could talk to my friends tell him to go talk to the apple man oh the apple man he's having a good time those apples have not fallen maybe you'll get your uh your sidewalk killed it he killed his

trees it is snowing up here so we're about to find out if the apple man does have some kind of spiteful petty feud with me or not yeah you said that he he told you this becker oh no fill him in there's this guy the apple man we did an episode about him with ran barnacle back in the day and uh a whole episode that's all you talked about was the guy that lives near you yeah and he's fucking just bothered by apples it was a good one uh he lives at the end of the block and whenever it snows he will snow shovel the entire sidewalk from the end of his block to the end of the other block but he skips my he skips my sidewalk for some reason. You're the only one. Yes. And I thought it was because like everyone else is like feeble and

elderly, but no right next door, younger, more able-bodied young man than I, he gets his sidewalk shoveled two houses down. There's like two 23 year old lesbians. They can shovel easily. I don't know what I did to the apple man.

Maybe listen to the pot. Maybe he heard us skewer him. And now he does not shovel my walkway, but it hurts my feelings. Have you stolen any apples, Sam? Oh, he told me he's like, have as many apples as you want. Usually it's just for the horses, but you can take as many as you want. Have as many apples you want. They're killing me. The only thing I can think of is I think one time me and miles and Matt were walking back from uh the trailhead up here and i think one of us might have taken one of the apples and smashed it on his windshield of his

work truck well yeah that'd do it well but how did he know does he have 24 hour surveillance on the truck or maybe every apple has a camera in it yeah sitting in his living room looking out the window staring at his apple tree writing down this was like 2 a.m of all the cars oh what does he yeah what does he go to bed for yeah good dreams of apples yeah he doesn't dream he has nightmares of the apples a nightmare the apples start to win in his dreams uh well, in his dreams, he is an apple. And someone else is picking him up and putting him in a barrel and feeding him to the horses up at Crater Lake.

Who of the three of you smashed the apple against the windshield? It was you, wasn't it? It could have been anyone, honestly, dude. Jeez Louise. You know Miles. Yeah, I don't see him flaunting his pitchers arm to impress you and the fellows. I see. He's a wild boy being like,

I'm an apple alpha. I take as many apples as I want. He does. He says, I'm not supposed to. And I take them anyway. Well, think about this.

Who's the most community minded out of the three of us. Definitely me. And I don't want to do anything to ostracize a neighbor like smash an apple on his windshield so it wasn't me i'm out i guess yeah you you couldn't have thrown the apple because you were busy pissing on the sidewalk as you walked you were like sidewalk more like more like my cock like sea walk and you crip you crip walked home uh yeah i don't know i don't like that you blame me for tossing the apple immediately but i bet it was you and so now i don't feel bad at first i was like why would he skip just your place now we know no because i've talked to him afterward i don't know what it what it is. He's angry at me for something.

Or he thinks that I'm so strong and healthy that I can do it myself. Guess what? I'm not doing it either way. Like you said, the neighbor looks like he could be in a fucking North Face ad climbing a sheer rock. Exactly. He's got climbing knuckles. He's just always dangling from the roof with one hand

i'm like hey sebastian or montoya whatever his name is he's got some cool like rock guy name sequoia alabaster sequoia yeah he does it's not it's like when you see a guy like that you can't call him like the names i usually call people like uh chombo or you know chopagopolis it always starts with a ch for some reason i don't know what my deal is oh speaking of ch's dude whoa we went to set up your own ass no i didn't but i texted you guys in the group thread the group thread uh i was at a wedding this weekend with my wife and we were in Las Vegas shout out to everyone at the Dirty at 1230 who came out, shout out to the fucking 20 Lund guys I talked to

that's still fun hell yeah I gotta go to Vegas you gotta go to Vegas dude I think Chad Sebastopol or whatever was there he was like I'm a guy now uh yeah dude I mean I like it it's funny but if when people when like eight people do it in a row it's kind of like all right another bit anyone got another bit you know anyone going to

point out anyone in here who has them that'd be cool you know that, that's what's funny, though, is I think some of it is people doing the bit. So I wonder how many true Lund guys there are versus we say it. It's a funny little thing. So they do it. Could be. You have a lot of Lund guys. Lund Army is thick. Yeah, but yeah, thick and juicy.

I had a couple chubby chasers at my show at the coffee joint oh nice yeah landon came to that landon probably hasn't seen me do stand-up while me being like good at it ever because like it's been so long i don't even know when he would have seen me but it probably would have been vegas i don't so i'm glad he got to see me it was a good set the the coffee joint the room had like six giant fluorescent light tubes that were on and so i made i made fun of that quite a bit i like couldn't be in there during the show because it was like you're in a grow house yes and it and then i go up there and i can see every single person's face as they either get so stoned they can't think or are kind of high and tune out you know like there's so many different expressions

on people's faces there's this young dude uh with an Afro who looks confused for like the entire second half of my set. Like he has one look on his face and it's like, oh, I was watching your set. That makes sense. Yeah, but it was too much. But yeah, shout out, Lynn and shout out, Danielle. She came. Danielle Castile brought a couple of friends. Oh, nice. So that was nice of her to come uh see the show but yeah janae is doing the next one and hopefully dylan will get the light situation under control because you don't want to see

everybody's face these dudes in the front row are just like blasted. They're just glazed over. That is Lund's lighting update. Shut up. Let's talk about dark some more. You know the real alpha brain move. You can be Sam T. Nation. You can be a Lund guy, but the real heads

are Becker Battalion. Yes, the real Guigos. I can't wait till we blow this thing up and people are coming up and asking Becker questions. And I get to watch. They push past both of us to talk to Becker about cars and Ninja Turtles.

Yeah, they just like straight up like space smush me out of the way. Like Becker, what was dog's wife like how big were they yeah what they smell like uh oh yeah lavender katie uh of landon and katie sent me a picture of it's they're not real but the question still remains uh whether Becker would eat flaming hot pop tarts. No. You would have one, Becker.

You don't like hot stuff, huh? I know I do like hot stuff. I don't like Cheetos. You're not a flaming hot? I don't dig that dust. What if it was like a Takis type flaming hot? I really don't do Doritos or Takis or Cheetos like that. Cheese dust shit is for some reason where the line in the sand is for me.

Right. What if it's that? It's Cheeto Flaming Hot Dust and vegetables are your two no-nos. I love a vegetable, but I hate cheese dust. What if inside of this Flaming Hot Pop-Tart there were 24 regular Pop-Tarts? And the only way to get to them

was to eat your way through the Flaming Hot. Ah, man. Okay. So I just have to suffer through that outer shell. That's a lot of shell, though. It's holding 24 inside. It's huge. It's big. It's too much to carry on.

It's like a woman's clutch. It's like being a good boy on Earth to get to heaven, though. Yeah. You would eat that, for sure. Nah. Having cheese dust on my hands, for some reason, just makes me really sad and disappointed in myself. Except your cigarettes. Yeah, that, too.

In this scenario, you're blindfolded and your hands are duct taped behind your back. Okay. makes me really sad and disappointed in myself except your cigarettes yeah that too in this scenario you're blindfolded and your hands are duct taped behind your back okay i have a camera running eat it they want to see you eat it they paid a lot of money to get access to this room eat it cmt controls the dark web. Eat it, pig. It's a violent mukbang. Yeah, mukbang. That's like Lunn when he's eating a meal. He's like, what if...

What if someone had a gun to my head? How quickly could I eat these 28 nacho trays? Nacho trays? Because I'm at a school cafeteria yeah no i was trying to think of something that'd be interesting i came up with nacho trays standing up baby yeah well i mean 28 nacho trays would be tough for you but like 28 spring rolls would be just another day at the office oh yeah somebody said randy santel that's the dude's last name the competitive eater who has the elaborate uh intro to his eating challenges santel santel i've seen a couple more from him. I'm Randy Santel, and I'm going to eat this desk.

And then he, like, crosses himself, spins his hat backward. Yeah, does the double guns. Do I have to eat the drawers, too, or just the desk? Disqualified. Too much desk. Yeah. He said it was mahogany. This is clearly oak. I've been bait and switched yet again

now i have to eat my own hat speaking of eating your own hat uh this weekend at the wedding uh we were there for uh a friend of ours and this was remember when I went to that wedding and Lisa Sparks was there in San Diego? How could I forget? Same family. I wrote a short story about it. The two of you had to defuse a bomb to save Higher Beach. Everybody was watching.

But she couldn't reach the bomb because her tits got in the way. I remember that. You guys shortlisted for got in the way. I remember that. You guys shortlisted for a man booker. I was pissed. Paris Review published you. Taking it to Edinburgh. So, yeah.

Oh, easy. Easy. Is this a page? What is this? I think so. We're talking about putting babies in sluts only shirts. That's nothing, Becker. That is nothing like what we've hidden behind that $5 paywall.

I know, but it seems like you might as well go full on. We'll let this story decide. My wife is very sweet and kind and also this she was tuesday night talent at this wedding for sure uh so one of the family members happens to have uh a little thing we call down syndrome in the community and uh emily is very sweet and uh he's he's a he's a sweet kid he likes to come up to you and flex and grunt and you're like hell yeah christian you're the dog um so emily was dancing with christian throughout the evening and uh i at one point had to go outside because i was almost throwing up at laughing at the idea of going up to my wife

and grabbing her by the arm and saying, what the fuck are you doing? I'm standing right here. You're dancing with another guy? What the hell? Who's this, Emily? Who the fuck's this? What's his deal?

Instant page. instant page and i was like so i'm sitting there laughing about that and then i'm like who could i share this with and then i really started laughing when i thought about going up to his mom explaining the bit to her and just her being like that's not funny sam i mean i mean what the hell who the hell is this guy what do you think you think his dick's cooler than mine let's let's see it yeah what this sucks sam you brought me all the way out here and now you're dancing with this stud didn't she didn't the mom say something funny last time about either him or the bride oh yeah she said something funny yeah

well this is a direct quote she said um you uh he may i tell him you might be retarded but you're not stupid that's what she says okay i thought it was something like he's dumb as hell i thought it was something something biting that a mom would say you know yeah that's my little project and also like everyone there because the father of the in this instance groom um owns a bunch of strip clubs in vegas so like everyone there is just either a current stripper or a retired stripper so it's just like every every type of having them is had you know no she was not there this time i think she might have passed away she couldn't defuse the bomb yeah i think it was the 56 load at that bukkake that finally

put her over the edge she tried to suck the bomb's dick and it detonated early. Red wire or pink wire? How about both at the same time? It's all she knows. Can't fuck your way out of this one. So that was very fun. And I got infinite joy out of that. And then also, the bride's family

was a bunch of white people from Oklahoma and they kept doing the worm. And I know that we often joke on this podcast about people laughing so hard they do the worm. But then I actually thought about it and I was like, my God, if you were to move someone to the point of laughing that they got up out of the chair and then did the worm in the aisle of a comedy show, I would aneurysm for sure. My head would pop and I would shit.

My eyes would explode out of my head if someone literally was like, oh, damn, that's a good joke. And then just hits the floor and worms out. damn that's a good joke and then just hits the floor and worms out the actual the actual real life implementation of someone responding to a joke with the worm was killing me dude i was just cracking myself up the whole time and again i can't explain this to anyone because they think i was a madman yeah but uh it's funny to picture those uh church you know like the giant church uh videos when people go up to get saved or whatever and they like dance around and speak in tongues that would be pretty cool if somebody busted out the worm yeah they wouldn't be ready they would just follow that guy. They'd be like, we believe in the worm now.

Yeah. All hail the worm. It's no longer a snake handling church. It's a worm handling church. Man. The worm. What a funny. And they were doing it, of course, because it was ironic.

So it's all these white people doing the worm. And then just a bunch of very wealthy Iraqis who are watching from the sidelines and i'm on the iraqi squad also i'm dressed like a fucking topaz salesman you know i got a pink suit coat on you look nice i look like an rv salesman emily's all cross-eyed you know because it was an open bar and they ran out of seltzers. So she just, Oh, I had to start drinking vodka sodas. Yeah. Perfect crime. Emmy.

Cause you drank all the seltzers, right? No, I was on, I was on Hennessy and champagne together. No, no separate, but I was switching off between Henny and champ.

I was like, Whoa, I didn't think that was a move, but it hasn't stopped you before they mixed in my belly and they got along quite nice probably because they're both french yeah kissing cousins also i'm no longer going to paris everyone i'm sorry that week in paris has been canceled i don't know who i'm apologizing to our parisian listeners all the paris yeah our parisian listeners all the paris yeah jay swoon lund gay

yeah home that's right maybe it might oh shit it might be good that you stay away because uh they're fucking protesting i know i wanted to see it though on moss i wanted to have boots on the ground over there and do a little war correspondence. Do the worm? For Barstool, yeah. Do the worm while shit's on fire. That'd be pretty cool looking. That's the only way you can get through the minefield, is worming.

Instead of playing the fiddle. Somebody does the worm. Can you do the worm? No, but you talking about this seriously makes me remember one time i was at a show at the largo and i started like laughing so hard that the old theater chair like the seat you know it folds up like this it snapped forward and like while i was laughing my ass off fell on the ground and the comedian on stage focused i was kind of in the aisle focused on me and like stood there staring at me on the ground like i don't know if they're trying to make me piss myself or what but they

were having a ball and it's some of the hardest i've ever laughed at a comedy show who was on stage earthquake i don't really want to admit it it was silver oh nice jake silver she's funny sarah silverman yeah but she's not like on the floor and almost pissed herself funny she had me yeah bad but the chair the chair breaking was part of me being hysterical like the fact that i was like and then on the floor and then she was just at the edge of the largo like staring at me continuing the bit like if i if i hit this really good maybe that kid will piss yeah that is what you want whenever you see someone in the crowd at a very low point you want to embarrass them even further i'm serious that's what i love yeah i get off on that shit i just talked to somebody who said they

rarely who was it they said they rarely go to comedy shows because they hate mean. Oh yeah. I was just this older guy. He said that he hates the idea of comics being mean to him. So he doesn't, doesn't like going and sitting anywhere near the front because he was that who said that just a guy at the bar. Okay.

This guy, Mark, he sketches and he stuck around. There there was there were bands and he like skit he liked to sketch to certain mute tab while music is on i didn't see any of the sketches it was probably you know naked women i watched david cross deal with a nsa leader Oh, yes. Yeah, I went to the David Cross show on Sunday night. Sean Patton had a rough opening set, but... What? Yeah.

It was just like, I don't know if he was having a bad day, but it was like weirdly paced, and he was stepping on all the laughs and just hurrying through it. He wasn't bombing. It was just weird. Weird. Weird. Yeah.

David Cross gets through his whole thing, and we were sitting up in the balcony at the Gothic, so I could see that he had scripts on a table. I was like, I wonder what he's doing with that. So right towards the end, he's like, does anybody in the audience want to volunteer to do this sketch with me? And right dead center in the second row, this Hick, like the only country looking dude in the whole audience raises his hand.

And he just looks like really tall crash for Nathan. He's a guy who thinks run Ronnie run was real. Yeah. Yes. Yes. 1000%. Yeah. And Ronnie right here, Ronnie. It's second row at the Gothic. so like david cross can almost like really lean over and poke his forehead and he's like you sir and the guy just puts his arm down and stares at him and david cross is like yeah you dude and he's like it would be an honor and then david cross hesitates and he's like all right then get the fuck on stage

and he's like all right then get the fuck on stage dude comes up he hands him a script this guy like the levels he was working on was nuts he hands him a script he's like all right you're the audience member that's all the stuff highlighted in pink i'm gonna go ahead and start the sketch and cross reads his like first little three line thing and then the guy just doesn't read very well the first line yeah so dav David Cross is like, oh, okay, man, it's okay to be nervous. You know, have fun. Wave at your wife. She's filming you. Well, we're going to start over.

We're going to start over. Let's do this again. Okay. So, and he reads the first lines. The guy reads his second chunk of dialogue. He doesn't start over with David Cross. his second chunk of dialogue. He doesn't start over with David Cross.

So David stops him and is like, hey, so I said, when I said start over, that means like we go back to the start and do it over. And he's still trying to be nice to this guy because it's starting to seem like maybe he's not all there. And then the guy's like,

David Cross never makes fun of someone who's mentally off. Well, you could tell he was really that he was hesitating there were long pauses and then uh he looks at the guy he's like okay and then the guy goes well i did that prior and david goes what what he goes yeah i read that prior and he goes no you just read the second line he goes yeah but before prior prior i read the first line david goes what are you talking about and the guy just with his hands goes we'll fix it in the cut and and then david david cross finally loses it a little bit and i could see sean patton side stage giggling his

shadow shaking yes and and david cross just goes we're not filming this and then he's like okay man we're gonna do this one more time let's start it over reads the top line dude reads the punch line and david cross loses it it was amazing this this we go went up on stage but the best part was the whole time he's up there biffing it his girlfriend or wife is sitting in the second row smiling taping him like i can't wait to show all my friends this beautiful memory i can't wait to show all the girls at the salon when beckley went on stage and stole the show at the run ronnie run concert yes it was crazy damn it it would be an honor run at all yeah It would be an honor. He didn't run at all.

It would be an honor, but just sitting there like as straight up as he could sit. I love when a super spy talks like a vice presidential candidate. That is the best. When they're like, I would be moved beyond mercy if I could

join you in this moment in front of these fine people here at the historic gothical theater and then just gets up there and eats his own ass i love that it was it was a super spy who's actually a manchurian candidate those are the best ones yes yes we know a couple manchurian candidates lund oh we need a couple we know we know a couple Manchurian candidates, Lund. What? We need a couple? No, we know a couple. Oh. I think Sharpie's secretly a Manchurian candidate.

He gets activated after a couple bong rips, and all of a sudden, he's ready to kill the president. Well, I'm glad you got to see that fucker and share that story with us it was amazing spycraft that brought spycraft it would have been funny if he just like topped it by falling off the stage or his pants come down yes his wife is holding his pants on a string and yanks him down ronnie ron look, I'm doing it. It was so consistently fucked up that my like,

never been a performer friend was like, so does he just like take that guy to every show or does he pick an actor? And I was like, dude, no, that guy derailed the show. That wasn't for funsies. That ruined David Cross's set. It was, he was mad. It was visibly mad. dude no that guy derailed the show that wasn't for funsies that ruined david cross's set it was he was mad it was visibly mad he had he had the expectation that the guy could read the highlighted parts in english and was disappointed oh it was bad and in order that the guy could follow the

order of a page holy shit cut it together too like what what did he think he's not worried about the live show because when it comes out he'll be able to shine they'll fix it and edit he's too stupid to read it in order but understands editing production yeah yeah this is all fixed in the post-mortem i'll be ready for the late show no there's no late show all right well yeah i'll be i'll be on point in poughkeepsie and it's like you're not going to poughkeepsie i was scream laughing when he did the cutting with it and said we'll fix it in the edit like no man you broke another broke another chair yeah i did try to fight a guy in the audience what becker go on oh i forgot about that you just said throw a chair some guy came in next to me

like all coked up and like huge the guy was like seven feet tall and this giant coked up machine of a man and he sat down next to me and kept like for like 40 minutes was waving his fucking hands in front of my face because he was just like coke fidgeting on the fucking railing on the balcony at the gothic and finally like 45 minutes in i was like hey dude could you wave your fucking hand in my face some more yeah yeah i went full on and then and then he's and then he was like i got surgery sorry and i was like find a place to fucking put it and get comfortable and then he was like i can throw you over this railing and i laughed and said fucking try whoa and then holy shit that dude was was full-on too holy shit and then he apologized and like sat there and didn't look at me or move for the rest of the show and then when we got up to leave i threw every chair behind me so that him and his

wife had to pick up chairs to leave the balcony oh my god becker i've thrown i threw chairs at a friend's wedding what do are you? Yeah. Toppled those heavy ass stools that they have up there on the balcony of the Gothic. Just one after the other. So he couldn't get the fuck out of there all drunk and coked up. Yes, dude. I was pissed. Whoa, Becker.

Yeah. Damn. He hit you with the throw you over the railing and you laughed. I love it. Yeah. Yeah. We're sitting above the stage. You're going to throw me onto david cross's stage that's a fun way to go to prison fucking idiot so lund yeah that is how you interact with the world both those versions

that we just heard are you so maybe let that be a mirror held up to your behavior inside of inside of everyone there are two lawns. They're eating their way out. And they're both about to break. Fuck. That's wild. What he said, he had to wave his hand because of a surgery? He had like a little scar like right on the base of his palm and showed it to me after I was like hey

can you stop do it like could you do that more and then when he showed me that I was like I don't fucking care find a place to put it and get comfortable you're an adult man sit on it Patsy yeah if you're in so much pain that you have to wave your arm but he was visibly coked out he was also sitting there like

gag gag gag gag g there like, while adjusting the way he was sitting and like monkey style every fucking 10 seconds. Monkey style. Fuck, man. I'm proud of you. Yeah, Becker. Fuck that guy. Dog would have been so proud of you.

You're real, dad. Shit, Dad. Dog. When I was in the Springs, I walked by a Bail Bonds, you know, like a house with a sign out front that said Bail Bonds. And I thought about going in and being like, hey, do you know old man Becker? The lone wolf. I don't know what his, does he have a cool nickname? No, just Becker. The lone wolf. I don't know what his... Does he have a cool nickname? No, just Becker. The shadow man.

I mean, there's so many new bail bondsmen. When I was a kid, there were like 20 in the state. And now there's 300 in Denver. Jesus. Becker, did you ever get the itch to go into the old man's job? No. No? No. That'd be sick. there's no money left in it and like the only way

to make money anymore is to be really shady so you have to be getting people out hoping they'll run so you can take grandma's house do you have your license for bail bonds yeah no you're not grandfathered into it no it. It's very expensive. No, a bail bonds license, you've got to put up a surety bond. So it costs like $150. Probably more than that. That's how much it cost when I was a teenager. But it was $150K?

$150K you have to put into a CD and you can't touch until you retire. Is it worth it to take out a bank loan for us to get Becker a bail bonds license so that we can do a patreon episode where he's hunting down people oh we can get a bounty hunters license way easier you don't whoa yeah that's different you know jake becker man hunter yeah for for that you just have to beat three established bounty hunters in arm wrestling contests yeah yeah i don't need a bunch of pickled eggs i don't think you need to be licensed in colorado you just have to be confident about explaining a kidnapping to a cop wow and i can do that with my fucking hands behind my back yeah you just take paperwork to be like that person in the back that's screaming has a warrant i'm delivering them to their bonding agent right now

yeah and you're not getting a piece of this action, pig. That's my slice of pie in the back, and I'm eating the whole thing, sherry and icing included. Yeah, I might honk him a bit before I turn him over. Sure. I might shave his head, draw a face on the back of his skull, treat him like my wife. Sure. But that's my right.

That's within my damn right. You know who my father is? My real father? Let me see. Does this ring a bell? Oof. Oof. Oof.

Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof.

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Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Oof. Pete Michaels who got kicked by a horse and could only communicate in dog language? That's right, Pigo. Pete Michaels. That's right, Pork Man. Yeah. Let me see that pork belly. Dude, my dad last night,

he came and hung out with all the babies and he was just holding this new baby, my friend Matt's new baby. This baby is like real dense you know it's like a real fucking fire plug of a baby showed uh it showed baby sure and my dad uh he was holding this baby and then someone came in and was like molly who's that stranger with your child it was my dad and he's just swaying back and forth holding a baby as if somebody wandered in yeah just scooped it out of the fucking pram hey i love dave but he does look like a twin peaks villain looks like a baby stealer yeah

baby smuggler maybe not a stealer yeah just transport yeah my dad's really leaning into the whole long-haired drifter look he is and he's always he's taking me to the airport tomorrow but he was supposed to go down to denver tonight to uh have some kind of grief meeting oh yeah i think it was more of a queef eating honestly yeah god you know the older ladies do it has he started eating apples with pocket I think it was more of a queef eating, honestly. Yeah. God damn. You know how the older ladies do it. Has he started eating apples with pocket knives yet? No, he hasn't. But the eye patch does switch from eye to eye.

He's been wearing a tri-corner hat and saying the wind don't talk, but it can listen. It's pretty wild. Yeah. Old Dave T just sitting in in his chairs i'm writing every day and then oh dude let me see if you can hear this i uh clandestinely recorded my father yesterday singing a song with his headphones in. So do you hear what song that was? No, it a nursery rhyme it was evan dandos he's everything you want he is everything you need he's everything inside of you that you think you should be that's vertical horizon king okay it's vertical horizon my dad was singing vertical

horizon to himself on the couch as he thought i couldn't hear him we just talked about that isn't that crazy what the fuck yeah my dad just vertically horizon while he's doing my taxes he's like the man when it comes to music i know he would be so mad you know fandom he had you listening to the clash when you were two and a half and shitting your diapers yeah and then he's blasting vertical h yep and singing it to himself lovingly while looking off into the distance as if he saw his own vertical horizon that no one else could see just wistful reminiscent yep oh my god yeah old dave t god bless him wait you said he's a manchurian candidate sometimes you should see him load a dishwasher unload a dishwasher he'll be like

where do these spoons go and i'll be like well dad they go next to the forks he's like okay okay there's a place for the forks i'm like yeah they're in the silverware drawer and he's like i got you buddy yeah he's he's often stoned but he won't tell us is what i'm getting at oh yeah yeah i told him to get emily some uh some delicious milk chocolate as a treat and he came home with 88 extreme dark chocolate yeah that shit is better i've had that holy yeah yeah he's like you guys are vegan though it says dairy and gluten-free and then my dad will be like so you're vegan huh so that means you can have meatballs i'm like no dude no i can't have meatballs he's like okay okay but uh what about mozzarella cheese if i got a big old blob of mozzarella cheese can we eat that for dinner i'm like no dude i'm vegan

he's like okay okay okay so bacon's out yes yes where do we stand on pork shoulder yeah it's fun having him up here just bumping around doing the dave t heck yeah where are you going tomorrow i'm going to providence rhode island tomorrow good pisser yeah i got two shows out there the hotel looks real real sketchy so that's good haunted a cell not haunted maybe haunted by uh by miscarriages and forced inseminations. Yeah, it looks bad. It's like an EconoLodge Suites in South Providence. Remember when we were in Minneapolis and we were next to that harem?

There was almost certainly those two young girls being trafficked. And we didn't do anything. we what could we do uh secretly jerk off in our rooms just thinking about what they'd gone through they were so you were doing they were so stoned they all got stoned and then followed us in and up the stairs and just like right up our asses like we both i think sam had two bags i had put my shit away but sam had his two like giant suitcases and they're just like up our asses i was like go ahead you know yeah and instead of like say they like didn't say anything they were so fucking high yeah yeah londa went full lund on them it was like i will throw you over this balcony you want to go inside that roller bag you want to be in the suitcase because

you'll fit i'll fold you in half you think you're getting traffic now hold on just wait that was you that's what you said no i said nothing of the sort but i was annoyed because they didn't like under realized that we needed a second to get those giant bags up the tiny staircase yeah and they were just like bumping into our backs it's like get the fuck out of here i miss having you out there on the road with me just letting people know where you stand i miss that i've got you know i've got opening for me in burlington i'm at the vermont comedy club this weekend uh friday and saturday everyone claire o'kane and her husband are opening the shows and that'll be fun that's right yeah not

you though you know so much fun as you between Nick and Claire, you probably have a similar same amount of body weight. Yeah. Yeah. We would give it in the bed. It's two people sleeping in there as compared to you on top of each other. Yeah. The way couples do. Uh huh.

Yeah. If we were if I was on one side of the scale and they were on the other, it would be balanced out. Yeah, teeter-totter would malfunction. Me and you on one side, them on the other. Yeah, they've never been higher in the air. Launch them into a tree. Yeah. I've been being used as a unit of measure a lot recently, which I don't care for.

It's like, yeah. Emily recently was like that couch over there is probably one Sam. I was like, do not use me as a unit of measure. I do not care for that. Or like we got an elevator in Vegas and she was like 3000 pounds. Well,

that's about 10 Sam's. It's like, Jesus Christ, damn, knock it off. 10 Sam's. That would be funny. vegas and she was like three thousand pounds well that's about 10 sams it's like jesus christ knock it off 10 sams that would be funny that'd be too many sams just 10 of you i have to fight all of you you'd get destroyed no way yeah you'd have to seduce us that's your only way out i'm just throwing one after the other off of the railing on the david crosses unconscious body smushed corpse oh yeah who's uh who what what what a concert is that that i sent to you is mud vein yeah and

fuck who else i don't know you were unironically stoked for mud vein no it was funny i said lol and you said nothing to laugh about here buster i said oh i guess you're not coming with me no oh here it is cold mud vein cold chamber cold chamber war war has the third largest font which doesn't make sense to me guar on the same same uh size font as non-point who i think had one hit maybe two and then butcher but you're pretending like you don't know every non-point song i can't i can't think of it i i think they had a song or two that was on the radio but yeah mud vein would be fun i really just know like two of their songs dude becker go see mud vein with lund where is it oh you'll be in australia yeah fiddler's green at the end of August. I could take Emmy for her birthday. Yeah.

She'll be with me. Oh. Emmy's taking some time off after July, and she's joined my little happy ass on my gadabouts around the world. That's great. Yeah. Bringing the T-dog. She can throw out the sheets after you shit them. I don't think I'll be shitting the sheets in Australia this time.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that's my poo. Hungry Jack. Australian McDonald's? Is that what you said? Australian Burger King. Okay. Two double whoppers after about 14 pints.

And I was awash in my own shame. I can't imagine how awful you felt my god yeah i wasn't stoked my butt was like riddle me this sam my butt went full jim carrey yes my butt was deeply in method and uh for a while i thought my butt was t in method. For a while, I thought my butt was Tony Clifton. That was bad. I will not be repeating that when I'm down there in Australia. Thanks to Guilt Free Comedy for bringing me down there.

We'll be plugging those dates later on to all of our Australian listeners. Becker, when are you going to post this? Tonight. Burlington, Vermont. listeners uh yes becker what are you going to post this uh night okay so yeah burlington vermont uh friday and saturday the 24th and 25th new hartford connecticut at filthy comedy on the 26th on sunday connecticut is not responding to sam t nation uh lung guys yeah i added a second show in fucking providence but new hartford no no they say union hall in new york city march 30th second show added still a couple tickets left for that second show so why don't you get on that morgantown west virginia the 31st that's friday the 31st i'll be with old shane gillis the first and second uh at the paramount in denver and then the fifth i'm

in snowmass doing a buukley benefit to send her to Edinburgh one way ticket she's not coming back she's headed to the bog and then like I said no Paris everyone but I will be in Cedar Rapids the 14th and 15th

the 16th of April yeah Zubar's coming back and they're bringing me out there to headline it old Brad I saw that that's cool and then the 10th and 11th of 12th of April I'll be doing some shows in Austin Texas so

come on out and see those at the comedy mothership join our Patreon too Lund right that's a good move this is a h for sure right no so this will be totally a free episode now patreon.com and you have to cut that part where i explained the bit as well anyway go ahead lund sorry patreon.com slash chubby behemoth get in there we got a lot of great episodes behind the paywall uh it's worth it yes says uh bernie madoff great investment says jim kramer uh-huh no no jim

kramer said it's a bad investment oh right which means it's a good investment yeah he's always wrong yeah you gotta dodge kramer if you want to make any money in this market uh if uh you haven't gotten tickets for lucha libre and last april 7th denver then uh you may be out of luck it probably sold out but sam and i will be a part of the 10-year anniversary can you believe 10 years of lucha libre and or laughs and the respect that we command from the people involved with that show june is just astounding two nights of action i'm very excited um and yeah april 7th maybe some tickets left but uh no promises also april 13th comedy works there's like 20 tickets left so get those fucking tickets for comedy works april 13th everybody Comedy Works. There's like 20 tickets left. Get those fucking tickets for Comedy Works April 13th, everybody.

I think that hopefully my shows will be selling pretty well. Yeah, fuck yeah. Tanner asked if I was going to be up there for that. He might make the trip. Who? Tanner. If you come up, you can open.

Superman. Superfan. You, Noah, and Pat, we could do a whole Chubby Behemoth Extended. Becker could come back to the stage. The return of Jake Becker. We love you. Get on our Patreon. Bye-bye.