Chubby Behemoth - Cool Stuff Folder

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   Tenure Here Is Through. Fan Man. Over This Head. Byron Graham   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth  

Hey, we're all doing well. Let's have a nice time in New Orleans together. Hey. And then Becker just proceeded to get, like, the wow. That's what you do in New Orleans. Yeah, but he's not a big drinker. Sam plied him with alcohol.

Yeah, I made him do stuff he didn't want to. Like brush his fucking teeth. That was fun, man. We were in New Orleans when Emily proposed to me. You were there, right? I was there, yeah. Whoa. I was in the right behind Sam.

No, I was hanging out with this girl I met there. Yes, you were. I forgot about that. Jinsei. Jinsei, yeah. Yeah, you were trying to make that happen. What? Well, we were on the road for

I think that was like week three of five? We were out for five weeks? And Byron was single. Pingo Jones. He was fucking horny the whole time. And everywhere we'd go, he'd be like, Hello, courtesan. May I prequire your pussy for the evening?

Let's make a reservation in your orifice. I'm a hole hunter from Mozambique. I'm a fur trader. I'll trap beaver. Sometimes I let it go when I'm finished you there woman with the breasts your milky skin makes me too messant

the bridge is rising I'm Byron Graham that's the Byron Graham that we have on the pod you have to talk like that so that Sam doesn't sound like an idiot that's the Byron Graham that we have on the pod yeah Graham's here you have to talk like that so that Sam doesn't sound like an idiot

you have to make also scoot forward the prophecy come true be on the pod be present yeah hi I vetted some comely ladies

perfect keep talking like that that's what that's the way Sam describes it I know what's expected of me I know the prerequisites

for my appearance here today both of my sisters are homosexuals god damn it you had to blow up get a blow up

their spot right away what's wrong with that they're not back in old red China they're safe here no they're not because China old red China. They're safe here. No, they're not because China's reach is vast. They're listening.

I hope so. Lily and Amy? No, I meant the Chinese government. I will tell Lily and Allie specifically, please don't listen to this. Don't support this podcast. I regret some of the funny names I gave your sisters in the past. Yeah, let's put that on wax.

No, I did often ask it would be like panda-esque names. Yeah. I would go back and snow. It's really bad. It was bad. It was a different time. Yeah, 2015. We were just talking about in 2012 how people were debating if they could say the F slur on stage.

That was hotly debated. I used to say it was a joke about people calling me one, but yeah, I used to say it without thinking. I did that joke in San Francisco during Pride Week. Yes, you did. Yeah. They built that statue of you. They did. Well, I think it just became a thing where it's like,

okay, do crowds need to hear me say this? The funniest word? The second funniest word. LARP is number one. Yeah, LARP's the new one that we love. LARP. Also, you new one that we love LARP

also you had that whole bit about like sucking that guy's dick in rehab sure so people like you would it wasn't just like you know a funny a funny group of syllables

yeah and I was like double G sounds make the best slurs right guys listen to this plosive I've got a new Bon Mo you weren't in rehab were you you were in college Explosive. I've got a new Bon Mo. You weren't in rehab, were you?

You were in college. I was court ordered to rehab, yeah. I should have been in college. You went to the school of hard cocks. It's a hard cock life for me. Where was it? New Jersey? There was one in New Jersey

there was one in Florida there was one I kept getting kicked out of them yeah because why for flowing

dudes basically yes I thought it was just the one no I went to one in Florida and then I got

kicked out because I was dating one of the other residents they don't like it when you do that. They don't like it when you have fun. They don't like it.

Well, it was probably an unhealthy relationship. I was 19. She was 31. She's good now. She never went back to the... She never relapsed. She's probably dead. No, she's a doctor in Ohio. She's doing great. Really? Yeah. Whoa, a doctor in Ohio. She's doing great.

Really? Yeah. Whoa, a doctor in Ohio. What's next? They have those. They allow them. They allow women to practice medicine. An alligator in a helicopter?

Yeah, and then one in New Jersey where I left immediately because it was really awful. My tenure here is three. I won't be rehabbing here. Thank you kindly. That one you had to like wear a blazer every day and you couldn't even look at the women.

I think that's why they sent me that one. You left a blazer. Didn't you have to wear like a specifically like color-coded blazer or something? I had to wear

a blazer that said Coke head on the back yeah we'll suck dick for coke gay for pay where's your car dude where's your cock oh it's right here in my mouth

yeah it was only one time right it was just the once I didn't like performing it much but it did I still tell that joke sometimes I've reworked it so it's it's a good bit

was that the end of the era or did you guys make out or we made out with some hand stuff he he blew me for a bit oh shit did you and you were into that no i couldn't so you're just something you couldn't i thought you realized you weren't gay but i couldn't get there and then like he was tired. I was like, I'll try it a bit. And then I was like, this isn't for me. Yeah. Didn't he have a big meaty one? Yeah.

I feel like it's comedic hyperbole when you tell it in the joke. But did it actually have like a... It was weird shaped, yeah. It was really big and kind of a weird shape. What do you mean? It was like a question mark? No, it did curve way up at the front.

It bent up. I feel like that would make it easier. Honestly, it's wasted on men that would be good at hitting the G-spot probably, right? It looked like when

a groundhog catches a smell and cranes its neck. Yeah, the paws were the real problem. You should have gotten it checked out. The buck tooth was really... Something's wrong.

It's like a meerkat when a hawk flies over. He also, like, he had sprayed some sort of cologne and that was, like, also... Oh, no. On his dick? Yeah. You guys do that. It's such a weird move. They do it because their balls smell

I don't like this taste it's like an old spice taste in my mouth I didn't like that part either it's like Axe body spray Turkish deli our resources were pretty limited he put mouthwash on his dick what were you going to say about

the blazer place there were some weird rules there were women residents but you couldn't look at them What were you going to say about the blazer place? There were some weird rules? There were a bunch of weird... Yeah, you couldn't... There were women residents, but you couldn't look at them. You couldn't smoke cigarettes, which was another big... I was way into cigarettes at the time. It's all you have if you're going to rehab.

I know. You need some smokes. So you can still feel cool, even though you're trying to get off the H. It's in the middle of nowhere in New Jersey, and I walked to a store to buy fucking cigarettes, and I was on crutches while I was there, and the second I got the knee brace, I fell down some stairs.

The second I got to that. Sure. They made you wear the knee brace. There was a woman coming up the stairs, so you had to avert your gaze, and then you fell. Yeah, a woman came in the room, and you couldn't be alone in there,

so you jumped out a window. I fell down the stairs so you had to avert your gaze and then you fell yeah a woman came in the room and you couldn't be alone in there so I jumped out a window I fell down the stairs before that but before I went but yeah once I got the knee brace off and didn't have crutches I walked out of there wow what was your DOC why'd they lock you up uh it's because I got arrested at like orientation week at CU Boulder I was smoking weed on farron field and i had traded uh like a nug to a guy for a percocet oh wow i forgot i had it and that was felony possession and then i failed uh a couple uas and they were like you can go to jail or go to rehab and i was like i'll do yoga on the beach for a month i'll get rid of this real quick and it was awful it took years and uh i was on probation to get out of the system'll get rid of this real quick and it was awful it took years

and uh i was on probation to get out of the system to get out of the system and then like because i was in the the rehab and my insurance would clear they'd be like oh we're just gonna hold off on signing your probation papers until we get more money more money out of your at your parents when your sisters came home from china, did you also call it orientation week? Shut up. Man, that wasn't even that good of a riff. You said orientation week, and then you talked for like two minutes, and I was like, okay. You were holding on to that the whole time.

Yeah, just biting the inside of my cheeks. Good. This was in Boulder inside of my cheeks. God. This was in Boulder where you got busted. Yes. Yes, was this before or after? This was 2003. 2003, so I was 16. I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

Yeah, I was 18. Lund was 32. He was driving a truck. I worked at a rehab, but not in Jersey. I was a janitor. You were the janitor? Yeah. I found a lot of Percocets. Nice. When you had job perks. That was one of the perks of the

job. That would be keistered and then in a moment of relaxation they would come out and they'd fall through the pant leg to the ground and then I would sweep them up, wash them off in the sink, ke the ground and then I would sweep them up wash them off in the sink keys for them myself

because I'd get patted down on the way out sure I'd be like that's a lot of keys this place only has a couple doors

it's like I have other keys for other jobs leave me alone they pat you down because you worked at the Cadbury cream egg factory

oh yeah ever since this lung guy came aboard we're down three percent in profit your dad loved perks right didn't dick get all fucked up on the white babies when he at my sister's wedding he was definitely telling everybody how he had his happy pills and i can't remember if they were vikadin or perks i. I don't think they were Percocet. I think it was Vicodin. But yeah, he couldn't shut up about telling everybody,

hey, you guys know about these things called painkillers? And everybody's like, yes. Yes, Mr. Lund. We know about pills. Epidemic sweeping the nation. Yeah. That was the only time I ever met your dad was at your sister's wedding.

He was stoked. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. It was a good time. I feel like happy pills. I had a lot of family laundry today. Oh, sister's wedding. He was stoked. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah. It was a good time. I feel like happy people. We're airing a lot of family laundry today. Oh, it's okay. Yeah, let's talk about you and your family of addicts and ne'er-do-wells and criminals. They blew it.

They didn't buy cigs at the duty-free. Yeah, they spent $80 for a carton of American Spirits. Yeah. They're stupid anyway. Breaking news. The Talents are dumb as hell. Why did you change the joke

from the truth about your mom's plaque into the headstone? Why lie? To get off? No, because I have to set up that she got... We didn't get her...

I have to set up the whole thing about, like, we got her a tree at the Botanical Gardens. It's just saying headstone's funnier. and then also saying that there's a brown trash bag or brown paper bag over the headstone i think that's funny okay yeah there's a little behind this is why the sausage oh yeah i feel like happy bill remember when we got those fucking like valium in florida sure deal dude that was one of the most transcendent days I've ever had.

I have a lot of great memories with young Byron. Because he was bright-eyed, bushy-tailed. He was new to comedy. You think everybody's bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. Well, because I've been doing it longer than everyone except for you. I gave a lot of kids their first shot. Byron, yours, you. You gave me my first shot. You give me shit. Yeah, right.

But yeah, we were in Pensacola. You gave me herpes. 100ola you gave me herpes 100 you gave me your mom did yeah my mom had she sucked your cold so well we were in rehab you can't fuck any women besides your parents your grandma wiped your bottom and your mom wiped your front uh-huh yeah with a little... She uncorked my pork. So, I thought that you were in New Orleans with us, and then I was like, oh, maybe not. But you were in Pensacola with us, which was that same tour, right?

No, I don't think so. I think I went to Kansas City with you guys. I went to... But in Pensacola, you bedded that young woman. I did, but I think that was... That we stayed with. Oh. But that was a different trip.

That was a different time. You guys had been there. Like, you had stayed with her before. Yeah, yeah, but I never bedded her. No, no, I didn't say that. No. I think that... Olivia.

Olivia. I think she was interested in Bobby maybe everyone was yeah and then it's gone wait when did he go to Pensacola

we've been there no that was with that was just us this was I think that you got a Mandela effect then going here I know yeah he's trying to make apartheid

I opened for Mandela and he had an effect on me yeah I forgot Yeah, he's trying to make apartheid go away. I opened for Mandela. And he had an effect on me. Yeah, I forgot. God, we, I mean, yeah, we fucking ate Valium. We got Valium from some old lady in, like, Oklahoma City or something. Yeah. Anyway, we got him, and I was like, I know where to eat these.

And we went to the beach in Pensacola, and we ate pills and drank beer. And didn't we see that guy getting blown? We saw a guy getting blown. We saw a fan man. He had a fan parasailor. I was there. Maybe I'm waiting these two.

And then the guy getting blown. The fan guy just started circling around. The man getting sucked off. I'm going to take a look at this. Yeah. Bobby found the dead fish. Yes.

Yeah, we were like, very good, Bobby. Bobby's like, hey, look, a dead fish. Wow, Bobby, you're not retarded. Put it down. Bobby was like, friend, friend. There's my girlfriend, everyone. Soup's on. He's like, no, leave it.

Let's have bouillon berries. This water's salty. Now he's a lawyer.'s have bouillon berries this water's salty now he's a lawyer he's just gulping it yeah Bobby no yum yum I'm thirsty

I for some reason I remember that fan man being completely nude and I don't know why now that's a Mandela I think so you wish that he was well it was crazy

cause over there there was a guy getting sucked and he like knew we were there I think he might You wish that he was. It was crazy because over there there was a guy getting sucked and he knew we were there. I think he might have given us a thumbs up or something. We were not far away. I thought it was doggy. I could throw a football as far away as he was. He wasn't

banging doggy? No. He was getting blown. He gave us a Yao-man's nod. It's a living. Yes. Your suspicions are confirmed. I'm getting blown. Yeah. And he like gave us like a Yao-man's nod. Like, it's a living. Yes. Your suspicions are confirmed. I'm getting sucked. Soup's on.

The ultimate act of altruism. I'm trying to get soup's on out there. I got it. It's like you're doing Bright-Eyed and Bushy-Tailed. We have new catchphrases. Soup's on. Soup's on. Yeah and Bushy Tail. We have new catchphrases. Suits on. Yeah, I was there. You were?

Yeah. That's impossible. So, yeah. No, I remember we were looking at Fan Guy, and then as he got closer to the horizon or whatever we saw, I thought maybe it was a couple banging, but whatever it was. But yeah, I was there. Bobby found the fish.

And then that guy just circled slowly around her. In flagrante, yeah. I gotta assume the woman didn't see us or she might have stopped. No, I think it's Florida. I think it's Pensacola. It's Panhandle Living. That's probably how she got off.

You don't want to see public beaches get to a different part of the state. Well, it's also very... Go to Gulf Shores, you cucks. Get over to Orange Beach. There's a word we used to say in 2012.

That's what you guys are. You larbs. Yeah. Dude, yeah, that was awesome. Was Wailing with us? Well, now I don't know. So there was a trip where Byron replaced Sharpie, right?

There was a trip. Sharpie always had to work at the fucking cookie factory in the hollowed out tree. The tiny shoes emporium. It was me, you, Bobby Wayman in New Orleans. And then different trip. Oh, the earlier trip would have been Kansas City. It is Florida. You could have seen somebody banging twice.

It would have been like Kansas City, Oklahoma City. Yes, that one I was on. Yeah, and we had Louis Katz. Louis Katz, we did the improv. Pensacola. It was like a dumb storytelling show. I don't think, I was bad at routing trips, but I don't think we did Oklahoma City, Kansas City, Pensacola. I don't think I booked that.

You booked a 17 hour drive. Kansas City, Oklahoma City, Paradise City. You just love blank city. I do, yeah. You like to know that a city is a city. Officially. I need to know where I stay. It's got to be in the title. Yeah, that's why I went with Pueblo. Yeah. It's not Pueblo

City. The town named town. So, this is bizarre. I don't remember going on a trip with you in Lund. But you and I were together for so long that maybe... It does kind of blend together. I mean, because there were people on other... Like, Werewolf Radar was on a section of that trip with you. Oh, fuck.

I met you mid-stream. Yes. Because you'd been at it for a week and a half of that trip with you. Oh, fuck. I met you mid-stream. Yes. Because you'd been at it for a week and a half already when I met you. So you were on the road for six weeks. I was on the road for five. I met you in Des Moines. Yeah. Yes, I met you in Des Moines at that comedy festival where I beat the fuck out of Andy

Sell in that pod, that debate show, where I was a werewolf or something and he was a vampire and I just mopped the floor wearing overalls. Huh. I was going to ask what you were wearing. Oh, it was the same overalls that whole trip. They stood up on their own afterwards. Yes, it was those blonde Dickies overalls.

Oh, I recall. Dude, fuck. They were calling me Big River in the South after that one. You wanted that. You were were calling me Big River in the South after that one. You wanted that. Okay. You were actively cultivating Big River. You tried to make that happen. I would come back in the room and be like, so this is crazy.

Someone outside just called me Big River. Yeah. You were trying to be like, how could we get a riverboat and just go down the Mississippi and that would be our comedy show. We were obsessed with that like, how could we get a riverboat and just go down the Mississippi and that would be our comedy show? Yes. We were obsessed with that stupid, stupid idea. Did we do that show in Knoxville on the boat?

Yeah, on the riverboat. Oh my God, that ruled. That was a blast. I remember doing that show and I think I got paid $200 and I was drinking free beer in a riverboat and I was like, good God, I've ascended. This is what it's all about. Yeah, we wanted to get a goddamn boat and just start in Minnesota and go all the way down. I mean, I think you could. This is what it's all about. Yeah, we wanted to get a goddamn boat. You can just start in Minnesota and go all the way down. I mean, I think you could.

I think it's possible. And then you bring the audience comes to you. There's no venue. There's no venue. There's no loudspeaker. There's no law on the boat. International waters. International rivers.

The biggest river presents. Everyone's getting plugged. National waters. The big river fuckboat tour. It's coming to Chappachulas. The newspapers are covering it. Sexual deviant Sam Talon continues his tour of terror. Samuel, big river talent. Samuel Big River Talon.

It's in the paper. You're like, oh, hey, I've made it. Yeah, and his idgit on a string, Byron Graham. I'm just blood marinating you. Yeah, that ruled, man. That was a fun trip. God, there's no better buzz than fucking benzos and beer on the beach. The three Bs. That's the better business. Benzoszos and beer on the beach the three b's

that's the better business beer beach yeah maybe some bitches for the boys no i was like with emily and i remember like being like god there's a lot of fucking snitch out here for a guy like me you're trying to get snitch going yeah and then she came to new orleans and surprised me and proposed to me i was like i guess get snutch going. Yeah, and then she came to New Orleans and surprised me and proposed to me. I was like, I guess the snutch tap is done. Soup's off. Byron, you've been out here a year now?

Yeah, yeah. I like it here. You're out here? Yep. That's fine. Once I put up the shackles of Denver. She probably wouldn't mind, honestly. She'd be... I think like having a... Give her the clout she would get.

Having a gay husband would be better than having a straight husband and a lot of... Right? Oh, 100%. A lot more fun. Yes. A lot of cool guys in the crew. A lot of cool guys. Instead of us coming over and locking her in the bedroom.

Our friends would smell better oh yeah yep yeah no I don't know I think Emily would love if I was a gay guy probably

yeah cause then they don't have to do the sex anymore with you yeah yeah and then I mean then he could

he'd be like he's a good one right which teams he played for that'd be a fun game or maybe you just bang them together. You just get a bunch of bi guys in here. There you go.

Yeah. A bunch of Lund fans. You got a lot of bi fans? Yeah, yeah. No. I don't think I do. There's a lot of Lund maniacs who like the gate to swing both ways. Which I'm all for. You don't know what you're talking about. I know I'm talking.

That's all that matters, making some mouth noises. Do you have a section of the commentary that's like, I love Lund and both genders? Well, all I do know is that Lund's biggest fan, Sweet Joey Esch in Pittsburgh, is renowned homosexual. He asked me how much I bet. I was like, I don't know. He goes, I'll bet a lot. That felt good. I like that he thinks that I'm strong.

Yeah, there's a sweet, big-lipped boy up in Pittsburgh who's just got a fucking poster of Lund above his bed. And he's spraying it every morning and every night. I gotta get to Pittsburgh. Joe, how do you wheat paste this picture to the ceiling? We had a lot of pod heads coming out. Dude. To Zaney's in Chicago.

Zaney's is an old town. Feels good, man. It was a hell of a weekend. Chicago rules. Feels fucking good, man. I'm glad you and Katie like it here. It's a hell of a weekend. Chicago rules. Feels fucking good, man. I'm glad you and Katie like it here. It's a good city. Yeah.

It's nice. I love having Denver people come visit. Yeah. Well, it's like a taste of the old country. Taste of the old country. It's like you're back in Sicily with your nonas. Yeah. Well, you actually get to hang out with people.

In Denver, you know, you did the show, you went home. When people come here, you hang out a bit. Well, there was that weird time when it was like me, you and yours hanging out every day. Every day, yeah. You guys would come over, we'd drink pour over coffee. We would, yeah. We'd get really high and play Grand Theft Auto and then we would

go do shows. Go do a terrible open mic. You and yours had like a will they won't they kind of vibe for a while. I think so. We were real thick bros for a while i think so i mean i we were real we were real thick bros for a while yeah and good friends i mean we're still thick bros yeah i was because you guys started at the same time we did yeah he started a little bit uh ahead of me and i think was definitely funnier back then yeah for sure

what are you saying about now I mean I don't know he quit I wouldn't say he quit he quit he's a loser he stopped suck at yours he doesn't listen

it's five bucks a month. He came to the Comedy Works party. Yeah. And I wanted to talk to him more. Yeah, because they were giving out free stuff. The Comedy Works party is too much

because there's so many people there and you want to talk to like five of them. Yeah. But then everybody else comes up and is up. Hey, how the hell are you? How's Trinidad? Shut up How good would it be up and he's like it's great to see you and Emily at the party Emily wasn't there. That was one Was also wearing scrubs. I put a lot of blood on them.

That party, dude. I don't know. It was cool. It's always nice. I guess it's a good time. Someone was making fun of Jordan Dahl for wearing a mask. And it's like, yeah, you're in a room full of comedians. Of course, everyone's making fun of you for wearing a mask, Jordan.

Yeah. Sorry, dude. The war's over. All right? Go back to L. over. All right? Go back to L.A. All right. Well, I mean, it's just, I mean, it's like, dude, read the room.

No, we should have all been wearing masks. Fuck, are you crazy? No, I'm not. Dude, it's over. We won. I didn't. The good guys won. Cool kids won. Yeah.

Only the strong survived. Yeah. You know what happened was uh that i thought was funny was when aaron showed up he didn't have a mask on and i saw him talk to him for a little bit and then i saw uh jordan and nicole and they had masks on and then the next time i saw yours he had a mask on and i thought that was funny. Code switching. Jordan was like, hey, buddy, I brought you this. It's a mask. Yeah. No, I don't know.

It's just, I mean, he's like posted, he's tweeted about it. Jordan was like, so I guess we're not wearing masks anymore. I just got made fun of. And it's like, yeah, we all have a bunch of fucking vaccines and shit. There's natural immunity. Like, what, dude? You got to live, baby. Yeah, but, I mean. Does he have lupus or something am i unaware

no i think uh it just it would make sense for us to have continued to have that like oh a large gathering if everybody mess up then there's not as many people that would get sick or whatever and then we were just like yeah but that's gay and then i didn't say that that's you were literally then I didn't say that. That's literally thinking it. You were mouthing it. I read your lips. I said no new taxes.

I was like, what are we, 2012? Yeah. I said, I said 10% flat tax. A bunch of re-larbs in here wearing masks. Yeah.

But no, like I remember when, when this first, read my lips. I remember when when this first read my lips I remember oh shit George Bush you're so old

it was even it was even dumber than you thought yeah it's dumb as hell old as hell I'm glad you said something dumb

no I remember when we first started doing the mass it was like oh we'll be like China or Japan where yeah an ethno state no where everybody when they don't I remember when we first started doing the masks, it was like, oh, we'll be like China or Japan where...

Yeah, an ethno-state? No, where everybody, when they don't feel well or whatever, will wear a mask. It'll be normal now. And immediately we were like, nope. No, it got really political real quick. Yeah, we're not doing any of that Asian shit. And it was like, dude, it makes sense. It's like a community thing and it's like but we're

a bunch of rugged individualists and yeah it did it got politicized and god anybody who cared was made fun of like jordan it's like it doesn't make sense but it does when you're a bunch of macho idiots that are just i'm not a macho idiot. It's just like, dude, we all did the right thing. You didn't do it. Just have a little fun. You've never done the right thing. I did too. I didn't...

I took off from March to May of 2020. You canceled four shows. I did. Yeah, well, you gotta make hay. The advantage is taken when no one is looking. Read my leg. That's where my leg's at.

It does. Yeah. So I don't know. I'm going to Japan. We're going to wear masks in Japan. Because that's the cool thing to do. Last night that server told you, you should. Very smart woman. Very comely gal last night. She said you should wear a mask in Japan?

She's an air steward. So she said that she goes to Japan and when she does, everyone's still wearing masks over there. And I thanked her. And I didn't objectify her like Lund has been doing for the last 24 hours. No. Yeah, you said, hey, do your pants

match your pussy? That sounds like a Sam line. It sounds like it, but it came out of you, which is crazy. She's wearing pink pants. Oh, I see. Good line. Thank you. It's a one line.

Shut up. It's a good line. It's a one line. Credit where credit's due. I bet she loved that. He didn't say it to her. He whispered it behind her. Do your pants match your pussy? She was like, what is that? I bet she loved that. He didn't say it to her. He whispered it behind her.

Do your pants match your pussy? She was like, what is that? The wind is warning? I got a blue one. Yeah. I got one of those blue pussies. She's like, yeah, it's corduroy. It's a nylon poly blend.

I don't want to keep going back to this, but when you were in rehab for being a drug addict and a homosexual when you were at that pray the gay away camp for hot pads when that guy's dick came out were you was there an excitement or a fear? Like, what's the feeling?

I was like, oh, I don't know what I'm doing. Because you didn't come. No. You didn't have any clarity to the moment. No, I mean, I think it might have been worse if I already had, because I wouldn't have been horny at all anymore. So you were horny for his hog. Yeah, he's a good-looking guy.

Interesting. But then I saw his dick, and I he's a good looking guy. Interesting. Good looking guy. Then I saw his dick and I was like, I can't do this. I thought I could and I can't. I'm in over my head. I'm in over my head and I'm over this head. And I'm out regarding this penis.

Yes. Did it come out hard or did it come out soft it was hard so he was already yeah he was rocked up we did some hand stuff

I see was there kissing yeah interesting we already covered this I asked if they made out he said yeah they made out

yeah yeah making out is like you were watching you were watching football well I want to see if the Jags cover yeah I just, because when I got here,

I was screen sharing. You were in the bathroom for the third time this morning. And, uh... God forbid I go to the bathroom. All the time? All the time. Constantly.

What are you doing? It's like you're a spy. It's like I eat food and drink water and then have to have it come out of my body instead of you who holds onto it

because you're scared. Where does it go? It's a part of me am i flushing myself yeah i don't dump because i'm greedy yeah you're a narcissist that means somebody else gets my turn well if it came out of me it's perfect why would i give it away it should go into a museum i should probably send this to the nobel committee dear white house incoming it's a pulitzer prize winning poop yes uh i i just it's so i put on gay porn on the screen share i did a bit like oh oh no, what's happening? Oh God.

Yeah, it's very funny. It's a great bit. But then you get to the point where there's like a little guy and a dude who looks like Kevin Nash. Emily did. He looked like fucking Super Shredder. He was 6'11". Yeah. I'll show you the video. I have it bookmarked.

It's in my cool stuff folder. It's in a folder called emily no yeah private stuff byron will dig stuff for the fellas yeah but yeah you just have this little dude and he's like looking up as this big meaty cock is entering his mouth and you're like oh i guess the joke's over i guess they're serious big, meaty cock is entering his mouth and you're like, oh, I guess the joke's over. I guess they're serious. They're not faking it for us. It's cool. Did you think that's all gay porn was? Where they start banging and then they laugh?

He's the center of the universe, this guy. Well, yeah, they're all NPCs. No pussy consumers. Yeah, no, I mean, it's cool. Like,

I think it's cool that the guys are getting down that way. I envy the lifestyle but it is just like the actual like puzzle pieces

are kind of jarring sometimes. Is that crazy? No, I mean, dicks are weird. Yeah. Well,

it's not for you either so it's like... Well, that sucks for you to say. What do you it's not well it's not for you either so it's like well that sucks for you to say what do you mean you think it's not for me no because you're not gay so you don't no one knows like it don't assume all right um yeah no i mean keep it up guys i'm loving it he's giving he's giving you the green light. Yeah. To live your life. That's so nice of you. No, that's not what I'm saying.

Yeah, it is. No, no. No one wants to actually talk about this with me. It's just... It's a different scene, you know? What do you... Wait a minute. What? Just like when you see it, you're like, wow.

Huh. This is what gets you off. Yeah. A little off. Yeah. A little boy. No. So in the video that I, you know, have seen a couple times, there's just like a little guy who looks very young. Right.

And then, you know, like Kevin Nash dressed up for Razor Ramona's funeral. It's cool. I gotta try it, I think, before I go down. Try cranking it to one? No, not try. I think I gotta bang a guy. You're supposed to live everything before you die. So I have to suck a dick,

get my dick sucked by a guy, kill someone. Everyone's supposed to do all these things. Yeah. They all occupy the same space in my head You're on your deathbed I should have killed someone What's that, Papa? I should have ended a life

You pretend to have dementia so you can suck off your grandson What's that, Papa? Who are you? Are you from the service? Am I Kevin Nash, or are you Kevin Nash? Were you in the Navy, young man? I was. I had a friend named Byron Graham when I was born.

Boy, howdy, did he tell a funny yarn. Wore a nice sweater, and he taught me how to suck on it. Get over here, and let me me how to suck on it. Get over here and let me show you what Grandpa's friend taught him all those many nights ago. Wash it off first. I don't want to taste chemical. Can you hose it down with Axe Body Spray? No.

Can you dip it in this jug of what is it? Aquavalve. Aquavulva. No, you don't want a vulva in there. I don't want a vulva. It cheapens the experience. You know how I remember...

That's cheating. ...Vulvaire, to return, you return to your mom's pussy. That's what we all... That's what we all hope happens after we die. We go back inside. Yeah. Shove me in there. Don't cremate me.

No funeral, all poonerol. God damn it. What? We were having a good time okay my bad the guy who doesn't know slang records my dad tried to make that work My dad? You did? When? The Lost Era. The show? No, 2012 to like 2014. When Sharpie was doing all his characters,

and I was like, that looks fucking easy. Should cash in on whatever the hell that is. I don't remember that. So, yesterday at the Green Mill, look, I gotta say, chicago shout out uh shout out all the crew that guy calvin paper machete was sick dude rob gleason rob gleason yeah we should have gotten rob over here shout out patrick o'donnell and uh old sweet nacho they were the

people who were at the diner last night okay they, okay. They came and lingered by the table. Cool couple. Yeah, yeah, they were cool, man. It's so easy to blow it. Day one, sell Diablo callback. Yeah. Like, whenever I'm, like, around someone who I, like,

enjoy their art, I always fucking blow it. And I'm glad they didn't blow it last night. That was cool. They're good people. Less is more. Less is more.

Just be a person. Be a human being. Yeah, don't deify them. Don't try to, like, run bits. Don't, uh, a lot of times conversations can turn into an interview where you're just being asked a bunch of questions. And it's like, what do you do? I start to get more interested in anything they have to say versus what I get asked. Yeah.

Favorite comic. Do you like this guy? You ever meet this dude? You ever been to space? You ever seen a grown man naked? Yeah. Been to space. What them octopus do?

Ugh. What that fang do? Yeah, them fangs are fangs. As Byron keeps saying. I can't stop saying it. Out loud to strangers. I've been asked to stop. I can't stop saying it. Out loud to strangers. I've been asked to stop. I can't go to...

There's several elementary schools I can't go to. Why elementary? God damn it. I don't know. That's on you, buddy. For the staff. They're young teachers out of college. There you go.

Yes, I'm a young teacher. Of age. If you're going to do an impression of Byron, do the voice. Ah, yes. You must speak to it right out to do an impression of Byron, do the voice. Ah, yes, you must speak. Young teacher, I'm going to come. Teeth clenched. Right for the picking. Mmm, a tasty young moisty.

You always make Byron sound like a vampire. Yeah. Ah, the flesh of the innocent. No, he sounds like that guy who just got on with that other guy. Remember that, like, the Republican and the Democrat guy? Buckley and... Buckley and...

Oh, yeah, Buckley. Yeah, he sounded like Buckley. I'm gonna punch you in the jaw. I'm gonna sock you in your gullet, monster man. I miss those eras, that era of debate when they would just try to, like,

outclass each other. You miss it. You weren't alive in 1968. Well, no. I mean, take that over. I'm not a puppet. You're a puppet. So you listen to the pod.

That's a lot of the discourse here. Who's got them? What's that smell? Who reeks more? If you do $10 a month on the Patreon, do you get a Smell-O-Vision version of Chubby Behemoth? Yeah, one sends you a pube. But it's not his.

I'm pubeless. That would be crazy. You just had, like, body hair, and then it was all body hair. Nothing. You're just parquet court. Lasered. Who's ready to get on the dance floor?

Have some pickleball. Lay down the cardboard. Lungs hard. The Lady of Paper Machete, though. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, God. Oh, man.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I'm doing the worm. So Chicago was great. Sold out four shows at Zany's that rips very flattering I put my picture

on the damn wall and we did we went out and had a nice night on Friday Byron got fucking abso-thwacked

got confused by a hot dog have I eaten this already or is it time to eat did I bring this from, or is it time to eat? Did I bring this from home, or did I purchase it? Yeah, he had a... It was a pretty perplexing hot dog.

It was a cheese dog, dipshit. What are you talking about, perplexing? I didn't expect it to look like that. Yes, uh-huh. Just like in rehab. You're always surprised. You're always tricked by tube meat By wieners that come out

What's this? What's this? I think I want it until I'm confronted with reality That sausage everywhere That one was also wrapped in tinfoil And covered in cheese That was the hardest part I like drunk Byron

Because it's a lot of like Do I really? yeah you always look like you just had an I turn into Ebeneezer's yeah there's a lot of times

where you'll look up from your man purse and you'll go and I've seen you at like the I've seen you probably as drunk as you've ever been oh yeah

multiple times we did we did Gulf Shores Alabama with Whit Thomas back in the day. He has an HBO special, and I'm hanging out with you. Who's luckier? Yeah, your picture on the wall at Zany's. Yeah, yeah. The weirdest, do you see the photo they used for him?

The one weighing down on dead grass wearing a bright orange Nike sweatshirt. To be fair, the grass wasn't dead before I laid down. My natural oils poisoned it. It was thriving. Yeah, they call me the bluegrass punisher. Did they choose that or you? They just had it upstairs for me. But, yeah, we were in fucking Gulf Shores.

And we went over to that guy's house that like big man who was friends with Alex from the Squire Big River well he was just like a big dude and he kept telling us

about like how active he was in local politics he was really smart he looked like he was like a bass player in a fucking stoner metal band you know

yeah really charming dude yeah he was talking to me about like Richard Wagner and shit he was I loved smart guys with a southern accent. It's the most charming.

He's like, man, when you get down to the semiotics, it's like, I love that shit. Man in a black hat, man in a white hat. I don't have a hat on. I'm all shook up. We couldn't even come up with fake smarts. I'm going to drop semiotics and then get out of this. Why the black hat, the white hat? The white hat, you know, that's a semiotic thing.

Kurt Girdle, man, I'm more of an Escher Bach. Kurt Girdle's a real person. He like redefined mathematics completely. He disproved that math is a constant. The girdle of math. He doesn't just say his name over and over like a poking. Griddle, girdle. Yeah, but man, this guy had like a collection of ancient whiskeys.

And I went to bed and Byron was up until like 7 a.m. tasting all of them. I was sleeping in the guy's living room I had no recourse yeah yeah you had to drink a gallon of whiskey I mean when in Gulf Shores

I went to wake him up and I was like we had to be in Springfield Missouri that night which is like a 12 hour drive or whatever

from Alabama from the coast of Alabama cool tour that was the last one before we went home too I think yeah that was our last I was exhausted by that point.

Yeah. I was like, Byron, we got to go. And he was like, go. No. We will stay. We reside in Alabama now. We're citizens of the Gulf. He was like, I'll get a hotel room.

I will stay. And I was like, I'll drive. And he was like, ha. He just woke up and ate coffee out of the can. He said, no, I've risen. But yeah, we went and did that paper machete show on Saturday. That's a move, isn't it? You put some coffee grounds in your lip?

Yeah, I think they're like... Is that a thing? I think sailors did that. Yeah. Kennedy used to do that. Like a... Like chaw tobacco? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or else. Yeah, no, I mean, it's a move, you know. But what did we do Sunday morning? Oh, fucking shout out Professor Pizza. Yep, Professor Pizza. Saturday morning. Yeah, you slept in. I did.

You had a million gin and tonics. Thank God. Shout out Old Town Alehouse. Thank God you had your own there. Yeah, more pizza for us. Yeah, Professor Pizza's a pizza genius, and he brought us into his laboratory and fucking made us a delicious spicy honey

pepperoni pie with whipped ricotta. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, me and Lun crushed it. Perfect crust. We're on a real

heater with food. We gotta go to Husk for free. We paid some. Well, we paid, but I mean, we should have paid a lot more.

gotcha, gotcha. Anyway, thank you, Professor Pizza. Shout out Three Little Pigs. That shit was bomb too. But yeah,

we went and did Paper Machete and it was just like walking into a, it was like a bunch of people who were really sad that Hillary Clinton

wasn't still president. It was just like being in an NPR episode. It is a real NPR crowd. A lot of tote bags in them. Oh yeah. A lot of people

who go to the library. A lot of tote bags in them. Oh yeah. A lot of people who go to the library. A lot of people who know who Kurt Girdle is. Yeah, yeah. Kurt Girdle. So yeah, I walked in and I was like oh no, enemy territory. There's a man singing a song.

What are we going to do? The door guy had his finger to his lips as soon as we came in. It was like, we weren't talking. Yeah. We were outside laughing and we came in and he was like, none of that in here. We're all pondering. Yes.

The libs are owning in here. This is a room for quiet speculation so anyway it was fucking just packed with people who have their pronouns in their bios sorry what a diss it's good to be bad

but yeah I went up and I had a great set it was fucking really fun even though i looked like you know their childhood bully well it's also very funny that we walked in there's two stages right one is like in the bar which is in the middle of the room and then the bigger stage is against the the back wall of the bar and it's so packed we just like make our way to the only place we can stand, which is right by the bathrooms, which is right next to the stage that

wasn't being used. And I was like, they're going to throw it to the band at any second, but we're just standing there, and then they do, and we're just up there. In the spotlight. Like, hey, we're the guys that are going to go break the bathroom now. Like, on the bandstand. Yeah, we're waiting in line so we can go in together

I can't wipe good it sucks I tried to shove him to like move and he just still stood there so I had to like go by him yeah

and I got the hell out of there I went outside and I stayed outside went outside chilled with Gleason and that lady who Laura

Laura she said some funny jokes The severe woman Who runs the place I'm terrified of making her angry We spent some time with her She was pretty cool So I get off stage And there was a full band

So I was throwing it to the drummer for rim shots Classic comedy And i get off stage and there's this uh just this dour faced woman in very tight pants and she's waiting she's looming in front of the door uh she's like i need to talk to you and i was like oh this will be good oh soup's on yeah i don't know why but it was on it was on boil baby so fucking

she's uh I just need to tell you something I work in the mental health field and you can never ever ever ask someone if they're on ketamine cause I said to the drummer he missed a rim shot and I said you can't teach timing drummer ever, ever, ask someone if they're on ketamine.

Because I said to the drummer, he missed a rim shot, and I said, you can't teach timing, drummer. That's all right. He's nodding off on ketamine. Hilarious. Standing round of applause from everyone there.

And then, so I'm outside. Standing 69. Standing 69. You're the mayor now. I am. Suck it, Lightfoot. I'm Laurie 69. You're the mayor now. I am. Suck it, Lightfoot. I'm Lori Heavyfoot.

Lori Lightfoot. Lori Sugarfoot. Yeah. Sugarfoot. So yeah, you can never, ever ask me about ketamine. You don't know

what they're going through. You don't know. You don't know how cool ketamine is. Yeah, what if you want some of their ketamine? Yeah.

Hey man, you on ketamine? I'm trying to get in the hole. I'm on hole patrol, but a different kind. Not the Byron kind. Byron kind. They're like, oh, he's horny. So yeah, she says, you can never never you don't know what they're going through you don't know what they're on you don't know who they've lost through for the overdose and i was

like well i've lost like 16 people to overdose and she's like that's like saying i have black friends and i was like this is very invaluable. Thank you very much. What a great interaction. And I walked away. And she went, fuck you, you fat cuck. I was like, what? No, she didn't say anything cool. She just woke scolded me. She hated me.

You were standing by her. Yeah, it was uncomfortable. Yeah, and I guess I did some bit about, I don't know, Standing 69. One of my revolutionary humorous takes. And Rob Gleeson said that she said, okay, he is not funny. So of all the shit

that I said in front of that, you know, opera crowd, I was ready to prepare. I was prepared to apologize for numerous things, you know,

but saying someone's on ketamine, she just wanted to get me for something. God forbid. I don't even think that, that's not even like, she just wanted to get me for something. God forbid. I don't even think that's an overdose-y one, right? No, she doesn't know shit about fuck. All she knows is when she sees an alpha,

she's got to try and put him in the cage. All right. Well. I was ready to cosign most of of that Men's right for men's wrong It sucked for me because I could have been right there For that whole interaction I mean I was

You were on the phone I was on the goddamn phone Yeah You were talking to your fucking commercial agent About what wigs you should be wearing Like what if it was a rainbow wig I saw What are the semiotics rainbow wig I saw I saw

the woman talking to you and she looked intense but I also I thought she was trying to ferb ferb my beak I could tell that she was like staring like staring at you intently

but I didn't know what she was saying. And I heard you say, that's invaluable information, thank you. And I knew that that was sarcasm. Because I know you. Yeah. Yes, you do. And I knew that I had missed out on something very sweet. Yeah, you would have loved it.

You probably would have joined in on her being. I would have speared her ass. I would have loved it. He probably would have joined in on her being like... I would have speared her ass. I would have defended you. I would have tapped her on the shoulder. I would have super kicked her. The big left. Coming from the waistband. Boom!

To the waist lane. You uppercut her and I catch her and hit her with the razor's edge. I was going to put her on my shoulders for the doomsday device. We're in Chicago. I know. Let's get that pop.

Oh, I guess they're not, they weren't from Chicago. They got billed as being from Chicago instead of Minnesota. Anyway. Right. Anyway,

enough about the Legion of Doom. Let's not get lost in that. The boys. Yeah. But yeah, dude, she was, Gleason was there and he loved it because, you know, he likes the tea. He does.

He likes the tea. I'm the tea. Sam tea. Yeah, Sam tea nation worldwide. 100% LLC, unincorporated. So... Limited liability corporation, unincorporated. But yeah, she just wanted

to get me and I'm not going to listen to her talk she didn't say fuck you she said fuck you buddy

she did fuck you buddy she gendered me it's insane quit assuming damn it I didn't even hear the fuck you

it sucks yeah cause you were on the phone with Professor Peanut no she knew you were being she knew you didn't actually value our input that's why hear the fuck you. It sucks. Yeah, because you were on the phone with Professor Peanut. No, she knew you didn't actually value our input. That's why she said fuck you. She said fuck you, buddy. Yeah.

I mean, what am I supposed to say? I care about what you're saying? I'm supposed to lie to a woman? I'm not going to do that. Well, I mean, you did lie when you said it was invaluable. Well, just don't try and tell me how to live. I'm not telling you, you know, to show them off more. Also, just don't try and tell me how to live. I'm not telling you to show them off more. Also,

to wear tighter pants. To dump if you nump. I would never. It is a lot when you you're supposed to have this not complete freedom because there is some responsibility

to what you're saying on stage, but there also is supposed to be a little bit of give, a little bit of leeway. That's the buy-in from the audience. Yeah, where it's like, okay, escapism, where it's like, yes, the real world is awful,

but if we can have a little fun in between reality, then you can survive longer. And when you refuse to do that, or when you pick and choose when you're going to do that and when you when you refuse to do that, or when you pick and choose when you're going to do that and when you're not going to do that, that's not super fair. It's like, hey lady, look where we are.

We're in a 1910 jazz bar, a bastion of black culture on the north side of Chicago, and you guys have managed to fucking gentrify the shit out of it on this Saturday afternoon. You should be so proud of what you're doing. Woke scolding people because you hate me because I look like a guy you really want to get crammed by.

That's what it always comes down to with these people. They want it. They just want it so bad and they know they can't have it. So they act out. Yeah, their brains start buzzing. Smoke comes out of their ears. They're like, oh God, I just want to have you lay back and I want to hold your ankles up.

I want a fan man to fly over us. I want to frost your dough while I salute your shorts. Camp Oniwana. Camp boy, I want to want to no it's just like I would never first of all I don't get upset

when people make jokes you know cause I'm not my brain works or whatever but uh it's just crazy to ever go up to someone

and be like I need to express what I think is important right now so I just swallow it. Who cares? Evan Everall Spritz.

Yeah, swallow this. Or swallow this. Yeah, no, I mean. Anyway, I'm sure that she's the most fun anyone's ever been around. She's invited to a lot of parties. People don't secretly gather in fear that she's going to find out. She didn't have a mask on. No, she didn't. She should have.

You should have mask shamed her. I should have masked her. Oh yeah, where's your mask? She withers. She implodes. Crumples into a cube. She turns into a bunch of crows and flies away. You attack them from the left flank. They don't know what to do.

So I wanted to attack her how many abortions have you had bitch none some ally you are i mean the the that's like saying i have black friends really opened up a lot of opportunity like because there's no way this woman had black friends she had no black friends yeah she does she counts every one of them. And she says, am I invited to the cookout? She's just the worst. I hope she finds love. You didn't mean that. I do mean that. Oh. That would fix her.

That's nice of you. Yeah. I'm a nice guy, dude. That's the thing. There's no evil in my heart. I'm a sweetie. I like to giggle and goof about things. Doesn't mean that I own a gun. It's cathartic to laugh about you know. I'm trying to heal this nation. goof about things. Doesn't mean that I own a gun. It's cathartic to laugh about, you know. I'm trying to heal this nation.

Yeah. I mean, you're talking about your dead mom. That's, you know. Yeah. If you're having

a laugh at death, all right, she should have embraced, like, all the, you know, I went to rehab.

I know a lot of people who died of overdoses. Yeah, yeah. They would have all laughed at that. Everyone should say, everyone should just keep saying,

I'm the best I agree with you that's what I'm hearing you say see you keep getting like 95% there then you sneak in one thing that's most of the pod of all the things to get upset about

that's like super toothless to just say to mention that a person is maybe on you didn't even say fentanyl right a good one and when you didn't say anything about uh like a homeless person like none of it was super pointed it was just like a just a general mention i was joking with a drummer yeah they're all on drugs i know that because i'm a drummer and you. They're all on drugs. That is fucking... I know that because I'm a drummer. And you're on drugs. I'm on Lipitor right now. I got a bunch of Gaviscon ready to go.

Byron started the pod by garbling a bunch of Gaviscon. How's your belly turned out? Good now. So there's been an hour. I had a bit of reflux going. That's good. Is all the Jets pizza? I think it was the late night Jets after because I ate...

Wait, you came home and had jets? Yeah. We had dinner fresh jets? Right after my Monte Cristo. Yes. Oh, you only had a hat. I didn't order it. Katie ordered it before I got home. So now you're blaming a woman for your gluttony? You should go hang out at the paper

machete show at the Green Mill. Yeah, we walked in there and there was like a white couple doing an old-timey radio play. We were like, well, I'll be bombing here soon. Well, and Laura told us that I think that same comedian that, or

I guess maybe not stand-up, but the woman that did that character got like viciously tongue-lashed by a woman. There was a live sex show? No, no, no, no. Oh. Verbally assaulted by a woman who said that the character, or didn't realize that she was doing a character.

And then when she was told, I'm doing a character, she like breezed right by that and acted like her point still stood. And I was like, no, you're wrong. You fucked up. her point still stood and I was like no it you know you're wrong you fucked up you got offended at a fucking outrageous character a mockery of that type of person people who care about politics have a great sense of humor we can all yeah all right the Hillary heads oh yeah well I gotta go off to Amsterdam now guys and Pokemon go I can't believe that you told me that last time that's something that she said and expected to be precedent

and I still voted I voted for her and deleted Pokemon Go off of my phone we were supposed to vote for her Pokemon Go to the Falls it made sense to vote for her to a certain extent she had the higher body count

I wanted to see her getting slurped in the White House that would have been sick yeah she puts a cigarette into a dude's asshole and then smokes it gets pink eyes finally my revenge yeah she blows it

she's like ah fuck this isn't as cool as what Bill did yeah she gets pink eyes she's like, ah, fuck, this isn't as cool as what Bill did. Yeah. She gets pink eye. She's like, give me a kiss, Bill. No. Butterfly kisses with pink eye? Yeah.

Oh! Oh! This has been an episode of The Chubby Behemoth. Thank you very much for subscribing. We love you. Byron Graham, tell them where they can find you. At Rehab Sucking Dick. You can find me at the bus stop.

You can find me giving it another whirl. Yeah. The old college pie. I got nothing, man. What? Okay. You can find them in Chicago. Find me in Chicago. Let's sing about.

Yeah, yeah. Flaneuring. You can find them in Chicago. Find me in Chicago. Let's sing about. Yeah, yeah. Flaneuring. We love you. Thank you.