Chubby Behemoth - Cot Redhanded

Episode Date: April 11, 2022

Packed With Gwo. Spoonfuls Of Onions. Whole Archie.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Now let's get comfortable. Did you hit record? Oh, I'm recording. Oh, this is the most comfy we've ever been in a podcast. Linda and I are both in bed right now. One very small bed that hurts. It's sharp. It's a painful bed.

We're in a hostel from the movie Hostel. We're going to be tortured and killed yes and me I know it was so bad though a guy with a pig's mask on cut off some of Sam's toes and ate them

that sucked he's like I'll be back and who knows what terror awaits. We have a very nice hotel room in Eau Claire, Wisconsin. I take care of my bottom bitch. I made sure that one's been groomed and fed. I got him some... You've allowed me to take cold showers after you take warm baths.

Yeah. You whacked today. No, I didn't whack. Yes, you did. You. Yeah. You whacked today. No, I didn't whack. Yes, you did. You're lying. You whacked. Why do you think... If I say no,

you assume I'm lying. Yeah. But you don't know. You told me after your very long shower for the show that you did something bad in there. Yeah, but it was a riff

of you saying something. Oh, okay. I did not whack. It's fun fun better to let you think that I have I mean I'm doing my own hostile thing but it's mental torture and it's like am I stepping into a bathtub that's a bunch of Nathan's recent jizz

do I have Lund's creepy crawlers in between my toes yeah are my toes going to get impregnated with Lund's seed yeah Lund's crank yanking in between my toes. Yeah, are my toes going to get impregnated with Lund's seed? Yeah, Lund's crank yanking. That would have been a good show instead of crank yankers. It's just... People masturbating on Comedy Central?

Or no, comics riffing on videos of people masturbating. Or you just, like, call someone on the phone. They're like, hello. And you're like, oh yeah. Ugh. Ugh. It's Adam Carolla though. Adam Carolla's whacking. Yeah, and Jimmy Kimmel. That's an old man.

I'm I can't do his voice. I'm whacking. I'm whacking. What about Adam Carolla's guy that was like, yeah, well I'm a veteran of war. I'm whacking. What about Adam Carolla's guy that was like, yeah, well, I'm a veteran of war, and I'm rock hard.

And I'm whacking. I'm whacking. I want to let you know that. And the flag's not at half-mast. The president's alive. I'm whacking. And I'm in the basement. I'm having a whack. Loving it. What was his name?

Bertrand oh yeah nice yeah dude that show rule got it yeah there were some real funny ones for sure

it wasn't as good as the show I just pitched but hey Comedy Central I know that the network is struggling so how about me and Lund

just whack off on while Jim Florentine riffs on our form. Get the Lucas Brothers in here while me and Lund masturbate. Comedy Central. Where's my fucking check? You pigs. Can you turn off the television?

You've been distracted by the credits were just on for a movie you didn't even watch. I wasn't looking. Best boy, that's me. I wasn't looking. I was looking at you. Your dumb idea for a show. I wasn't looking.

Now I turned off the TV and now I'm laying in bed. Yeah. These are nice beds. They're big. Two queen beds over here. Two dope queen beds. Yeah. Great shows. Yes, queen beds. They're big. Two queen beds over here. Two dope queen beds. Yeah. Great shows. Yes,

queen beds. First time in Milwaukee. First time in Eau Claire. Yes, please. And bon appétit when it comes to the whole weekend. Good job. You're still funny after all these years. My favorite part of the weekend was when I came to check into the hotel

and they said, do you want a bed that's bigger than a twin But smaller than a king And I said yes queens That was worth it That was worth rewinding The entire Hold on Hold on what if

How about instead A little something like this. Ooh, I farted and it just came out. Just dropped. Yeah, a new drop. A fresh drop just hit. You went to bat for me because they were like, we upgraded you to a suite with one bed,

but we can do a little roll-away cot that could be just a nightmare, guarantee, for your fat friend. And you're like, no way. Two beds, or I walk. I'll get back on that fucking plane to London right now. Yeah, thank you for that,

because I was like, I don't fucking care. Yeah, you said, it was your idea, right? Weren't you like, yeah, we'll get a cot, it'll be great. And I was like, yeah, we'll get a car, it'll be great. And I was like, hey, I'll tell you when you can talk, bitch. Well, I thought maybe if it... God, she was acting like they didn't have 400 rooms and a thousand different options. It was like, oh God, that's going to be a head-scratcher to be able to fit two guys into a room. So I thought maybe the issue was just Thursday night, so I was trying to say,

well, if it's for one night and then they have something else. And you're like, no. Too bad. I'm out of here. My baby gets his own bed. Well, yeah, I don't want you... You know, I see the way you sleep. Grumpy lunch? Yeah. Sleeping on a cot just being mean to you

for three days straight? No, I don't. I think I would have been chill. No, you would have been so pissed. I would have been like, why? Why not? You look like you fell out of a second story window. You're just a pile of fat and bones.

I was caught red-handed. Because I was jerking it in my cot. I could just hear the cot all night. I was jerking it in my cot. I can just hear the cot all night. Yeah. Cush, cush, cush.

It's like the episode of Seinfeld where Mr. Marbles is wandering around. That's what it sounds like. Oh, yeah, yeah. Mr. Marbles. Kramer. Mr. Marvel London and I are both high on my weed pen too so that's helpful and we're fucked up on Taco Bell

oh man lots of TB oh man I got tuberculosis we're in the TB ward I'm coughing hard all the sour cream man we really went for it this weekend. Yeah, we stayed in the biggest hotel allowed by law in the city of Milwaukee.

17 floors. There were a couple above us, right? 18 floors, 19 floors? Yeah. 20? Bente? Bente Pisas? I think it might have been the Essie Nueve.

Hey, listeners. If you want to write in and guess how many floors we're in our hotel. No cheating. Oh, wait, we haven't said the name yet. No, we haven't. We can't say the name.

Yeah, they said we're never allowed to be associated with that. Yeah. After what we did. And it was like, it was mostly the one pizza we ordered that was the smell. And they're like,

it was other stuff too. We had to burn the mattresses. Yeah, we can't have anyone stay in this room for a month. You've cost us $25,000. You two just pounding farts into our mattresses. Well, as said on the Patreon episode,

they should have allowed us to open the window. We were trying to save that room yeah now that room is gone and that company that room is going to need an old priest and a young priest to come in and say some latin for the old priest to you know be able to do his thing yeah

watch the young priest jerk it yeah get on the cot command your jizz to come out he exercises the young priest's dick priest jerk it. Yeah, get on the cot. Command your jizz to come out. He exercises the young priest's dick. That'd be pretty cool. The power of my mouth compels you. That's a cool show.

Priest Yankers? Priest Yankers? Part Ghost Hunter. Part Cranky it's yeah part ghost hunter part cranky anchor part going to church

I got here's my pitch we're in the elevator it's the exorcist meets cranky anchor yeah yeah the president

of commissariat has a big briefcase with the logo on it and it's like oh shit this Central has a big briefcase with the logo on it and it's like oh shit this guy's a big deal Mr. Central please call me comedy

yeah I've gotta do this I know this is awkward because we're both taking a whiz right now I saw your briefcase and I have a pretty good idea. Look, I know that I'm supposed to do surgery on your son right now, but...

Yeah, it's Emily. Yeah, it's Emmy. His wife's having a baby. I knocked Emily out and I'm posing as her. I have her badge and her little coat Like look I know I'm not a woman doctor But

It's Crank Yeagers But they're dogs We can pitch Dog Apartment finally Dog Apartment It's just the Lodge Casino theme song I just realized that. Yeah. Well, you...

It sounded familiar in a good way, but... Yeah. Too good. Yeah, it's been done. Ooh. Hopefully this is recording. I'm having a good one. You said it was.

I think it is. Look at the bottom. Look how bad we're peaking. Oh, no. Damn you. Well, I don't know what to do. I'm not an audio engineer. You're supposed to check it.

I am checking it. And double-deck it on the record, but naked. You're supposed to... It's too late now. Becker will fix it, right? I don't know. We might just... We've just been laughing the whole time. Yeah, it might be really bad. If it is, sorry. If it's not, then Becker, edit this part out.

Should we turn our mics down? Is that going to fuck with it, though? Check. Check. I don't think it fucks with it. I think it's fine. Okay. Shit. Well, look, we can't afford to bring Becker on the fucking road, but that's already going to feed you.

Right, yeah, you're breaking even because of all my Taco Bell. Yeah, you're literally eating into my profits. Just because I'm really good at making deals doesn't mean that I should feel bad. You're like, I'll cover your food. And then my eyebrows started going, oh, oh. This is how I win. Shows might not

pay great, but... Don't come to your food. There it is. Yeah, that was your winning the opening tip-off from Uncut Gems. That's all I needed. I just need five more. That's the only thing I was worried about.

Was the food. And he gave it to me right away. That's the only thing I was worried about. It was the food. And he gave it to me right away. Yeah, I didn't even have to ask. He's the worst bargainer ever. You negotiated with yourself. I'm negotiating with myself right now.

You're cranking him. Yeah, well, you're the president of Comedy Central, aren't you? You've goneing him. Yeah, well, you're the president of Comedy Central, aren't you? You've gone full Reagan. Eh. It was Bertrand. No, Reagan is the little girl in The Exorcist. Oh, yeah. Quit looking at the screen.

We should probably try to avoid peeking. Well, I don't know how to do that. Should we move the mic away? Move the mic away. Move the mic away. Look. It doesn't matter. It's still really tough.

It's doing great. It's slightly better. Yeah, I think it's cool. Fuck, man. I guess we shouldn't be calling Becker useless like we do because this is what he does. Yeah, we shouldn't be nagging Becker. He hasn't slept with us yet. He makes us sound slightly good.

Okay, well I'm just going to keep it right here and I'm good. Also, listen to the sweet tone of my voice. What? You going in a Buffalo Bill? You're going Buffalo Bill in here. Is he a big fat guy? That's your act right now.

Oh look, a big fat guy. That's your act right now. Oh, look, a big fat guy. Get into my van. Oh, my God, you're such a big fat guy. I'm going to wear your skin as soon as I'm done making fun of you. Don't eat my dog, you big fat guy. If you hurt her. Well, I didn't want to yell.

I can't do an actual loud, angry Buffalo Bill impression. Oh, yeah. It's me, Buffalo Bill, motherfucker. No. I'm not yes-handing that. Here's your big frat lady. There you go. Yeah, I got it.

I never lost it. Same. Still killing it. Then there's also It Feels Like an Arby's Night. That's Putty. Oh, okay. Putty. I'm David Putty.

No, that's not it. Putty. It Feels Like an Arby's Night. It's not bad. That's Patrick Bateman, right? No. Patrick Warburton. Patrick Warburton. Patrick Bateman, right? No. Patrick Warburton. Patrick Warburton. Patrick Bateman, American Psycho.

Oh, okay. Jason Bateman, Ozark. Yeah, and Arrested Development. I'm not familiar. They were banned. Teen Wolf 2, Jason Bateman. Judgment Wolf. All right, and we're back, everyone.

We tried to address any audio issues you heard for the first 15 minutes of this podcast. And we also had to move on to our sides because our diaphragms were being crushed by the weight of the Taco Bell. No, I wanted to be able to look at you. Might as well look at you.

All we've been doing for four days is looking at each other. I know, but there was a point where I thought it was all I could see for the rest of my life because I was in hell. But tomorrow we have to say goodbye for at least a couple weeks. Yeah. We'll see you at my sister's wedding when you're there objecting. I'm there squeezing my fist into a ball with regret. Sophie!

Sophie! I somehow drunkenly take the mic even though I'm almost six years sober. This is bullshit. Nobody's loved you more than me. Not your brother. Not your dead mom. Not your daddy. Daddy, dead mom. Not your daddy.

Daddy. He doesn't even know what day of the week it is. Daddy's on more pills than Biden. He's checked out. Daddy's gone. He's just thinking all the money he's going to spend. Daddy's gone. When life insurance finally clears.

There's only me. Lund. Mel's trafficking you. A lot of trafficking signage today at the airport. Oh yeah. I meant to take a picture of the one that I saw

in the bathroom because it was funny because it was I don't know. I guess I know that there's like all ages that can be people can be trafficked. Yeah. But I think of kids and this picture was of like a 20-year-old Asian guy with someone grabbing his wrist and him being scared. And it's like, why don't you just run away? Like, you're an adult.

Or just say, hey, I need some help. Instead of just, I don't know. Hit him with like the five-inch punch. I guess it's not that easy. Hit him, yeah. I mean, if you're a trafficking victim, you probably have really strong hands and fingers from working in the sewing shop

or, like, you know, grooming people's toes and feet or massaging. Like, just, like, hit, dude. Get him with some wrestling, some naughty karate. I don't even know but what well might not be wrong a lot of people that are in some of these jobs are being trapped it's not like they can tell you that mm-hmm it's not like they can say anything, so they're just going to do these jobs. Maybe one of us is trafficking the other one. You trafficked me to Milwaukee?

I literally have been trafficking you. Well, you're paying for my meals, so again, I hope you're getting a pretty penny for my teeth in the end. again. I hope you're getting a pretty penny for my teeth in the end. Yeah, there was a... I wanted to fly you first class, but there was a rule against transporting livestock, so... I had to bring you. Oh, that's why I was in the fuselage.

Yeah. That's why you let me run around down there? Yeah, because I wanted you to tie yourself up with the other dogs. How about that was a tour of the plane? VIP. It's like like all right now nobody's supposed to be down here and I'm like except for the cool people he meant no one's literally legally supposed to be down here yeah no human beings are allowed down here but the dogs are hmm well it was pretty neat look where the wheels are it's where the wheels on the plane go. Yeah, the wheels on the plane

go up and down. Remember Kevin O'Brien's bit about the wheels on the bus? How can I forget? Where he just like did black voice, right? He did a loud black guy's voice. Yeah, it was like the wheels and the people on the bus go

Hey, you honky-ass cracker, what you doing with that drive? And he got away with it. Did he? I think so. I think he paid a fine. Yeah. David Borey taxed him.

David Borey pushed him down. Steve AJ got a bang Mara. He banged Kevin. I'd love to pants Kevin on his wedding day. You object to Kevin's wedding. I'll be officiating so I'll be up there. Oh shit. On the dais. Stop looking.

Wait, will I? Look at me. Am I in the wedding party too? I don't know what your role is. It might just be caterer. My role is a Kaiser. Sometimes cinnamon. Wasn't that your joke? Uh, no. Who was that? Aaron? Yourst?

Yeah. Yeah, it's about food. What is it? Hmm. I think it was mine. No. Yeah, I think I did that joke forever. You never really had good jokes.

You were funnier offstage and then figured it out onstage. You're like, oh, I just have to be myself up there instead of some fraud. I gotta be me. And I just go up and I'm like, well, this guy's fucking huge, huh? Ten minutes past. That's what it's been a lot of is,'m a big guy who else is huge and gross oh you cool i hope you don't have any issues with it because i'm about to point it out to everyone most of the show yeah yeah i make them stand up too i'm gonna show off how insanely gross and

huge you are look everybody look at. Look at this other walk. And I'm making fun of myself, so I'm allowed to just destroy this non-comedian. A person who paid to see the show was bullied. Maybe even on the way in. Somebody honked and was like, Land ho! Yeah, you got harpooned on the way in the door. Right.

And then they come in and they're like, well, at least I'll get to watch somebody else talk for a while about their life. And then most of your life is just put on display. How fat were you the moment you were born? Is what you start with. And how immediately gigantic

were you? Oh, your mom's probably dead. Dude, when I asked that guy the other night if his mom survived childbirth, oh, I was so grateful that she had. Because that's a rough one to come back from. Well, but she also could have died at any point after that, and you wouldn't know because you didn't ask. Yeah, also he probably assumes it was his fault.

Because his big old melon head ripped her open. She never recovered. So you're big. And this is your partner? You're too big for her. For sure. This doesn't make sense. Yeah.

She's beautiful. She's beautiful. You're gross. And she's like, wait a minute. He's right. Hold on. God, I've never noticed before. you're gross and she's like wait a minute he's right it's been funny how many people are have actually been bigger than you and how many people have

been to Scotland I kept being surprised yeah there's no cross I'm you're the big people have been a scholar no no're not allowed no they're not allowed because they can't get there to buy three plane seats on an international flight it's gotta cost thousands yeah and they keep

spending all their money on food already so they don't have any money left give me some food guiguo more food please. Guiguo. More food, please.

Says Guiguo. Oh, man, Guiguo. It's been a Guiguo weekend. We didn't talk about that on the Patreon pod, right? No, dude. It just happened. The taste sensation sweeping the nation. It's the Guiguo. Do the Guiguo. And like you said, a Guiguo, ladies and it just happened. The Tay Sensation Sweep in the Nation, it's a guiglo. Do the guiglo.

And like you said, a guiglo, ladies and gentlemen, is when a cuivus has sex with a duengus. Yeah, their offspring is a guiglo. Guiglo, guiglo. And those cuivivas and duengas don't really have a size requirement like a wad a load

yeah a porker uh-huh an odd bod it's more the grossness and then a guiguo holy boy

holy cow but a guiguo could also be really small which is what the original intent was well says you.

I guess, maybe, back to back, we named a few different types of people as Guiguos. So, both small and large. Everyone's been a Guiguo this week. Yeah, I guess. And also, Guiguo turned into a demon that only little kids that are possessed by him can see. I was saying it on stage. I was working Guiglo in. The crowd's not ready for Guiglo.

No, but Guiglo's ready for the crowd. Yeah. Any and all new souls can sign up to belong to Guiglo. Guiglo Nation. to belong to Guiglo. Guiglo Nation. Well, and we were definitely little wads

when we went to a Chinese buffet in rural Wisconsin. You made the call, I backed you up. I didn't make the call, I pointed it out. And you said, yes please. I said, look, there's a Chinese buffet, we should probably go there, right? Like, LOL, ironic. Nope, you meant it. But then you thought you understood the assignment. yes please I said look there's a Chinese buffet we should probably go there right like lol ironic

nope you meant to but then you thought you understood the assignment and you said yeah can we go there please nope and I looked the light in your eyes it finally came back after four days on the road and I was like yeah

let's get in there and then it was just a fucking mutant cage you said we were going to go to Jimmy John's yeah, let's get in there. And then it was just a fucking mutant cage. You said, we're going to go to Jimmy John's. And you said, Chinese buffet, we have to go, right? And I said, yeah, we do. Because it sounds good, because I want a bunch of gross food. Yeah.

And, you know, the side effect, the unfortunate other part of the double-edged sword is a bunch of gui guos. It was packed with guos. Well, it wasn't that first and then they stormed the fucking buffet didn't go to their seat first did not take their jackets off first no they didn't take their helmets off they immediately went

right to the buffet it sounded like locusts as if it's a as if they don't replenish it. As if they're not going to be there for three and a half hours. As if what's out is all that there is.

It's an all that y'all can eat of this buffet. It's either orange chicken and some rice and some jello or nothing. Like you said, he watched them and listened to them and smelled jello, or nothing. Well, like you said, he watched them, and listened to them, and smelled them. I avoided them.

What, did you call them the WAD family? Oh my god. No, you didn't. You said something else. I think it was WAD, actually. But yeah, I was like, well, it can't be that bad. What's the WAD family? It's like a couple of fat guys their son who cares

god damn this was the wacky pack it was like stirred in the 90s yeah it was a lot yeah there was just like two giant fat women wearing I don't want to body shame anybody

kink shame but they were human centipeding each other. Yeah! One of them had the other on a leash. One was chewing up food and then spitting it into the other one's mouth. No kink-shaming here. No. Hey, it's your

bodies. You guys are doing it right. You know, being loud and proud. Yeah, glee-glo-ing. Oh. But yeah, it was kind of the typical holy shit. The whole family is like that. What kind of

automobile did they arrive in? I don't know. What carrying capacity? What, like, Dodge 750? Dragula from the Monsters. Obviously, yes. No, they came in that big metallic globe that Krang used to travel in in the Ninja Turtles. I almost thought about the Turtle Mobile. But it didn't make sense because they were

more of, they looked like Bebop and Rocksteady offspring. They were not turtle shaped. But they were a turtle pace. Yeah, they smelled like a turtle terrarium. Yes. Oh, but I was going to say how...

Wad family's here. Total Wad alert. We got it on our phones. As if it was a tornado. Like an Amber alert. Yeah, an Amber alert or a tornado. A pack of wads is broken loose. From the Wad farm.

It was a Guiguo alert. from the WOD farm. It was a Guigua alert. Breaking news. A family of A family of Guigua's has escaped the asylum.

Guigua's headed your way. Take shelter, but not at the Chinese buffet. Yeah, whatever you do. There's a Jimmy John's nearby. Go there. They won't be able to survive the smell of shredded lettuce. There's a Mad Green's hiding there. Go to your nearest library before it's too late. Before they eat all the books.

No, the library's safe. You idiots. They're not books the library is safe you idiots they're not at the library it's the point oh but yeah it was great because they you saw it with one dish and I saw it the aftermath

which is that they were picking the meat out of dishes with meat and vegetables yes leaving all of the broccoli or onions behind the chicken and onions was all onions by the time they got there yeah just had to eat a bunch of spoonfuls of onions. It's fucking Igby and Gui Guo Jr. Gui and Guo, the twins. Mud Hut. Yeah. Truck tire. Yeah. Thump. Bernays.

She's fancy. She-Cat. Yeah. Yeah, Miracle Whip was there. There was a man, one of the, I think the leader of the family, I don't know, he seemed like the oldest one. He just looked like Abraham Lincoln.

He did. He kind of looked like Lemmy, too, right? I saw him flick a butt right after he stepped in. Of course! Right before he stepped in. Of course. Right before he stepped into the restaurant. Yeah. Like, right up until he legally could not smoke, he was smoking.

That's all he has, man. And, yeah, and I think you said one of them looked like maybe he'd be able to escape and, like, go to college or whatever. Yeah, he was just this like 14 year old I don't know he was like a redhead. They were all red. The kids were redheads. And my nose is all fucking stuffed from laughing

so hard. But yeah, he had like a members only jacket on but it wasn't ironic. It was clearly like an heirloom in the family. And he was just there like staring at the uh green beans and staring at the orange chicken and we locked eyes for a second and then he looked back and forth and he picked up the green bean ladle and i i nodded encouragingly and he like missed the beans you know because you never scooped beans before, so he missed them,

and then he finally got one in the ladle, and I was like, you got this, you got this, Igby. And then he put it on his plate, and I was like, thumbs up. So that was a big moment. And you were like, listen, man, there's some really good books.

Read a book now and then, you'll be all right. Yeah, and I know someone's going to tell you to eat. Why aren't you eating that book But Look Marmot Here's the deal Whoa I just saw

A bunch of your bush What are you doing over there I don't know Scratching Itching Adjusting Active listening Includes Stroking my bush Yeah man adjusting. Active listening includes

stroking my bush. Yeah, man. Glycerin. I felt like Gwen Stefani over here. Oh, and then what about the young girl when she saw the fruit? Oh, yeah. Nanners!

She just picked one up. Oh, yeah. she ate some chicken out of her own hand dude they were wild they were they were undomesticated

true guiguos through and through guigua guigua guigua is there a discount for being a guigua this place is

for guigua by guigua I felt bad because we kept saying guigua in there and it was all Asian people and I didn't think This place is for Guigwos. By Guigwos. I felt bad because we kept saying Guigwo in there, and it was all Asian people. And I didn't think, I was worried they would think we were, like, being racist with the new racial slur. Yeah, and it's like, it's not about you, alright? This is our way to make fun of wads. Yeah.

Without them knowing. Mm-hmm. Yeah, this is... Guess what? They're mostly white wads. Oh, they're all white. They're the whitest wads. That family, yeah. I'm saying nine out of ten Guiglows, yeah, are white.

The white wad squad. Yeah, they were disgusting. On the way out the door, I locked eyes with the little boy. It sucked. Oh, yeah. It really shook me. Yeah. They bummed me out.

They ruined my Chinese buffet experience. I am the future, not you, Guiguo. We're going to win. Guiguo's always win. I mean, it was like a live production of Gummo. It was fucked. It was Julian Donkeyboy Presents

Guiguo. That's the sequel to Gummo, actually. Yeah, but hey, at least we had a bunch of mediocre Chinese food, which I haven't had in so long. I think the last time I had a Chinese buffet was with Derek Stroop in Biloxi. I like to hit the Chinese food hotspots outside of Eau Claire, Wisconsin, and then previous was with Stroop in Biloxi, Mississippi. Yeah, that is where the culinary Cuisine goes to flourish

They have the best, yeah Some of the most talented Chinese families Extended families running these Asian buffets And the biggest, most fattest Disgusting clientele Yeah I mean, also, we're in there, you know

It's not like we're two Olympic swimmers Yeah, but I feel like we still stick out because, like, we have a little bit longer hair. You had lime green pants on. I had. Oh, yeah. I had red basketball shorts on, but, like, a black hoodie. They don't usually have, like, a black hoodie with no logo on it. Damn, dude, I didn't think at all of how we were dressed.

Because we're like, whoa, look at these freaks. I have library pants on, prescription shoes, an inside-out sweatshirt. You have basketball shorts on, even though you've never jumped. Yeah, we looked. I have hokas, which look like

super supportive medical shoes. Yeah. Yeah, we looked like a couple of cases as well. Sure, yeah. It's like we escaped. We escaped their family. Wish you guys could see London right now. Well, you were looking at my crotch,

so I pretended to jerk off. I'm looking at your belly. I'm looking at the very bottom of your belly that's exposed. Oh no, the worst part. Yeah. The worst part on a person that you can see. God. I am just exhausted. I've been gone for, what's today, the 10th?

Yeah. Gone for 25 days from my house. Finally go home tomorrow. See if my wife remembers me and fuck my dog. Yeah, you used to be, you used to be gone all the time and you had nothing to go home to so it's like, who cares?

Or, you know, you'd get screamed at and possibly abused by a former partner. No. No, it's fine. Just don't say any names. Duh. I don't say any names Duh Doy I don't know dude

We got guiguo poisoning Guode by osmosis And it was all Newer More exciting Like And we kind of thought That was how you were supposed to do it

Was like take any gig Go do it Yeah And I mean you I did it too much Did that a lot I did it with you a few times we did a lot of Tobias joints that were like hey we're gonna get we're gonna get there we're gonna figure it out and Tobias did get better

and better at booking shows yeah after we quit working with him. Right, we were the training wheels. We were the sacrificial lambs. Yeah, we were the water wings. We crawled so Mitch Jones and Derek Rush could run.

Yeah, could rake in the dough. Yeah, I mean, Toby's still like, you know, booked a show in like Naperville, Illinois and then, you know,

the next show was in like Idaho Falls, Idaho. You know, booked a show in, like, Naperville, Illinois, and then, you know, the next show was in, like, Idaho Falls, Idaho. You know, he's still the master of routing. He's like, look, if we do this show, we have to be offstage by 9.30 because we have a 23-and-a-half-hour drive ahead of us. Oh, God, I just thought about that. The time that we needed to be out of somewhere was constantly being thrown at us.

Yeah. And we could not roll our eyes hard enough at the schedule we did not create, we did not agree to, that we would never have agreed to or would even be able to stick to if we tried. He's like, look, boys, we've got a 17-hour drive. We've got to be out of the hotel by 4.30 in the morning

we go to bed in 2 hours we're in Bakersfield on Sunday, we're in Boston outside of Boston Mass on Monday afternoon it's a nooner, it's a college gig then we double back, we're on a paddle boat

that's going south on the Mississippi there's a wagon train we have to catch outside of Utah. I can't think of a city in Utah. Provo, Salt Lake. Yeah, I know. Orm. Orm, yeah. Remember Orm?

Panguitch. Panguitch? Panguitch is one. That's not true. Parowan. Those are funnier names than the names here in Wisconsin. Oh, Wisconsin's got some funny ones. Yeah, it's all like Wampatackawo,

Montica, Wahauka, yeah, Waka Shaka Wapo. I guess they're not funny as much as they are a different language. Yeah, as much as they are a sacred tongue. As much as they just were here long ago and got to name it yeah and we didn't change everything we didn't change everything to like white point yeah

steven's palm jerry jerry's corner jerry's rig. Jerry's kids. Well, whatever. Wherever they put the guigua reservation. No. What? No, I mean like an actual reservation of what we've described as guiguas. Yes. Yeah, they should be the ones that are in a corral.

Like a guigua preserve where they just get to hang out and eat baked beans. Yeah, they run free, but we drop food for them. Otherwise, they would surely die. They wouldn't be able to hunt their own kill. Yeah, they just have a bunch of Xbox 360s and four liters of Sunkist that they call their juice. Oh, God. You know what is the worst?

And I haven't encountered it on this trip, but it is a thing. It's like when you have to pee in random rest areas or gas station bathrooms and you see the piss that's left behind. Yeah. And smell it. Yeah, you smell it.

You see how they wipe. Right. What they wipe with. It's just a bunch of pages ripped out of the Koran. Oh, man, this guy wiped with a whole Archie. This guy used every page. Every strip. Was shot upon.

Wow, this guy used to hold Dunes buried. The essential camo and all from front to back. Hopefully he wiped front to back. He used Garfield from 1981 to 1984. He just used Taco Bell wrappers. 1984.

You just used Taco Bell wrappers. We had some TV, like we said, and I gotta say, the nachos, always the best move at Taco Bell. Oh, yeah? I love the nachos. Maniacs, you get to choose

how crispy you want the bite to be because there's about four chips in the nacho that are still not, you know, inundated and soaked with your toppings. Right, most of them are pretty soggy. Most of them are soggy as hell that you have to scrape out with your fingers towards the end.

Yeah, you didn't leave a drop. No, I did not. No, I left no man behind. And also, like, there's, you know, maybe two pumps worth of cheese, and then there's one size 8 shoe filled with beans dumped in the middle.

They just don't do a good job. Back in the day they really took their time with it. Yeah, it's funny to imagine they were getting screamed at tonight. There was like nobody there. Everybody was at McDonald's. Oh man, every McDonald's we've seen in Wisconsin has had a line around the block. They, they left. Oh, man. Every McDonald's we've seen in Wisconsin is on the line around the block. They blast them.

Like it's still new. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's like, we're so tired of eating Culver's. We should go over here and try this new thing, Guiguo. I told you not to call me Guiguo. I want McDonald's again, Guiguo. Like, you had McDonald's yesterday and the day before. Also, Guiguo doesn't get tired of McDonald's.

Guiguo owns a McDonald's. Guiguo survives on fear. And shadows. And nuggets. Guiguo thrives on our torture. On our? Now we're just losing

who's Guiguo in this. That's a little kid talking about Guiguo. It's a little Guiguo talking about a demon Guiguo. It's a little Guiguo talking about a demon Guiguo. It gets confusing, but there's a lot

of mythology. There's a lot of breadcrumbs that are left, a lot of clues for you to be able to figure it out. It's like a James Patterson novel in here. The depth of this Guiguo phenomenon. Oh, man. The sequel. Guiguo's a good guy.

This summer, Guiguo goes to college. Yeah, it's wacky. Yeah. Eventually, isn't it? Guiguo got two orders of nachos. Where'd they go, Guiguo? I'll never tell.

Ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Oh, Guigua. I'll never tell. He's surfing. He possesses the school teacher so that the school teacher lets the kids out for the summer early. Yeah, he possesses a dog and teaches it how to slam dunk. Actually, that's what no one talks about. Airbub was a guiguo.

Oh. Air Bud is the first entry in the guiguo canon. The guiguo cinematic universe. He's winking at the camera and shit. Yeah. Like he's Alf when, yeah, not that long ago,

he was responsible for like half of the school shootings in the Midwest. Guiguo-related school shootings. Guiguo told me to do it. Or maybe they sound like Guiguo once he... Once they've been Guiguo.ua Once he Once he chooses them His next victim Once he blesses them I think you need to

I think we just need to chill out For a second We're going to get yelled at. By who? The fans? Hotel management. Oh, okay. No, there's people all around us. No, there's not. There's no one at this hotel. There was more than earlier.

Did you notice? Or were you blackout drunk when we got back? I had three beers. Everybody's worried about you. I had three beers. I can only imagine what kind of reports you're going to bring back to Creech. You think you crushed.

Sam had like seven to eight beers. You think you crushed every night. Everybody was really worried that you were going to fall off stage. And they couldn't believe how much you were laughing at yourself. So they were actually mock laughing at you. Well, I was possessed by a Guigua this week. That's why I kept being... Yeah, you talked...

You were huge. You did Guigua voice way too much on stage. Nobody liked it. It was just me and you giggling. And you're like, another win for Sam T. Another A+. Yeah, when I got that standing ovation on Friday, that was because I had them all possessed.

No, that was the one show where you forgot about Guiguo, which you promised you would never do. Motherfuckers, actually, they forgot about Guiguo. Eminem was a Guiguo for sure. He was a bad boy. Oh, did you see did you see that I think it's a new quiz show

I can't think of what it would have been on but I saw a clip where the question was Martin Scorsese you know was nominated for an Oscar for best director 15 times and only won once what was the movie it's The Departed

and the guy, the contestant rings in and goes uh 15 times, we only won once, what was the movie? And it's The Departed. And the guy, the contestant, rings in and goes, uh, 8 Mile? What? Who's answering the question? Andy Dick? 8 Mile, please. 8 Mile?

But yeah, that was pretty hilarious. Man, I gotta see that. I'm wearing a pair of your underwear, finally. Oh yeah, I gave in. I was like, well, I am getting $75 a show plus meals. You're such a jerk. You're getting paid handsomely.

You know how much money I used to get to headline out here? What I'm getting is not good, but it's I mean the meals thing is really crazy that's the golden goose right there

yeah dude I've spent like it's not about me getting paid it's about you losing money I've spent like $1100 on your meals because of me yeah you eat like 4 times a day because of how much I eat, you are

financially stressed. You're gonna have to tell Emily what's going on and how this is just the beginning. This is the first weekend of several where you have to do this. Yeah. Why are you doing this to me? I thought we were friends. This is how I went.

Oh no! Me and Gwiggla This is how I went. Oh, no. Me and Gweeglo. I'm feeding two. Yeah, Gweeglo's in here with me. I'm eating for Gweeglo. I'm nine months pregnant with Gweeglo. With his child. He came in me.

We, uh... Yeah, I'm trying to think of all the money. I usually like to think of the merch that I sell as the fun money that you get to have for the weekend. But that's usually when it's just me. Right. When it's you, it's like... I remember the other night, I was like, I'll have two double cheeseburgers.

And you were like, I will have two double cheeseburgers and two hot and spicy. But then you were too dumb to see if you actually got hot and spicy. And instead you got two $6 chicken sandwiches somehow from McDonald's. Two of the fancy and schmancy McChicken. Yeah, you got extra schmancy. No, it's dumb. It's McDonald's weird way I think to literally make

billions off of just having a different chicken sandwich now that you can also order and then just going with that one every time. Also, I wasn't the one that ordered. It was AJ that said maybe a spicy chicken sandwich instead of literally hot and spicy

McChicken sandwich by McDonald's. That's what you have to say? Well, I'm saying it's like the only difference I think is spicy chicken sandwich versus hot and spicy McChicken. Yeah, that way they don't drive across town to Burger King and get you one of their long

chicken sandwiches and bring it back. Those are the best. But I mean, it was good. And you paid. Yeah, I keep paying. Long live Quigua. Yeah, it's like $50 a day for your food.

Excuse me, that's insane. $50 a meal. You eat three to four times a day. You wish it was $50 a day. It's like $1,20000 I'm losing way more than that well I'm going to start poisoning you I can't be poisoned

oh I was gutting remember I was gutting the tobacco pouches and AJ was like worried for me and I was like don't worry dude I eat so much garbage My body will be stoked that there's a tobacco pouch Got juice involved Yeah it'll kill out all the worms you have

It's good deworming When were you gutting? I didn't even know you were chewing I had two of those pouches And both times I gutted And I felt fine. Dude, remember when AJ, because I've hypothesized, listener, that when people spit on the ground now. Oh, yeah, your big Andy Rooney moment from 60 Minutes.

You're like, kids seem to spit way less than we used to when we were growing up. The volume in the spit is nothing. Yeah, that was so weird. Well, I mean, I'm serious. I've noticed that because I've been seeing people spit. And they spit like these little pebbles of spit. Like a... You know?

Like they're trying to get out an eyelash. But when I spit, I really snorgie my gorgie. I really... I collect it all and clear out every hole in my head and I lay down a big old horse apple I plop one it's like I'm

flipping a pancake out there and I spit on the ground to prove my point yeah just a bunch of oats and hay yeah and then you almost threw up. Well, we had just eaten. Yeah, of course. As for my contract.

Yeah, I fed you on delicious foods that day. Right, we had eaten... Oh, we were at that market? Yeah, I got you some tasty smoked fish. Yeah. Raclette? Yeah, I got you some tasty smoked fish. Yeah. Raclette? Yeah, raclette sandwich and smoked fish.

Raclette cheese, nice bread. Fucking 38 bucks. Yeah. Down the shitter. It was great, and I was full. And when I'm full, specifically, puking or big, phlegmy wads of spit are just very gross to me. Other pupils if I have to hawk and spit

real quick I'm fine but you were like oh yeah I hawk big fucking lube see? And then you cornt and hawked and then like I like to puke his elbow down No. You had it in your mouth and talked

And then spit it out and it was huge And I like Yeah I got a little queasy I think I burped a bunch And then had to like swallow a lot of Bile and spit that was forming Yeah what you just said Is so much grosser than me

Spitting a loogie on the ground No what you did I think you talked with the loogie in your mouth. I did not. That was a rough move. I said, I love you, Ron. It's wonderful, Ron. Talk away because of the loogie in my mouth. But yeah, then AJ, the other night, after the last show in Milwaukee,

shout out to the Laughing Tap. That was a blast. The good people in Milwaukee coming Shout out to The Laughing Tap. That was a blast. Yeah, yeah. Good people in Milwaukee coming out supporting them boys. They paid me well. Sam did not. They took good care of me. Sam dropped me. Dude, I can't afford this lifestyle that you want to live.

Where, you know, every half hour you're ordering calzones. You're like, hey, I need to borrow your card. Mama needs more seizure medication. And my card isn't working. And then I just get an alert that's like, Domino's and Pizza Hut are excited for your orders. I'm just trying to be a good friend to you and instead you're ordering novelty pizzas. But AJ at that party was like,

check this out or something, and he was spitting his palm. No, after the show, we were still in the laughing tub. Oh, yeah. I think so. Let's protect AJ's relationship with the club. We were a safe distance away outside from the club.

No, he spit in his hand and then rubbed it on his pants. I don't even know what he's trying to prove. He just luged in his palm. He was like, look at me. I'm cool, AJ. Oh, and I wish you could have seen it. You would have fucking bombed right there. That is wild.

You had such a nice weekend. They asked you back to headline, and you're like, Well, Matt, it'd be my honor. Put her there. Let's seal this deal. And then AJ's like, Hey, Lund. And you're like, What? You puke all over Matt Kemple.

Then he like... I puke in his hat. Put it back on the set. Whoops. Whoopsie. You've been gwee-gwoed. Sorry, Matt. He's been gwee-gwoed.

Yeah, I don't know what he was thinking. That's almost... That's almost a 411 situation. We went to that sick, uh, like, Andy Kaufman... Or no, Andy Warhol, like, like house with all the art on the walls and shit and drum set yeah that was cool like he had hit his head really bad and was bleeding lots of rugs well you called it yeah hey listen it was like hey let's let's have this quirky thing where you have to take a razor scooter if you want to go to the bathroom and i didn't want to do this building so big we were in a loft space yes and it was big and it sounded fun but then

uh i had to pee so bad and i was like i don't really want to like i know it's a little party pooper thing and then you were like i'm not gonna and i was like oh perfect let's just both not do it i mean everyone's like, why doesn't Sam ride scooters? What's up? And it's like, you want me to tell you, little bitch ass? It's because once a day, my wife, the doctor, Dr. Fat Tits. Jeez. Jeez. That fucking Camelot Pace is for real.

It's not fake My doctor wife will have some like Kid come in You know they're in a vegetative state And they're bleeding out of their nose and eyes And it's like what happened Did he get kicked in the head by a bull Is this a professional rodeo man

Was he a logger And a big piece of timber landed on his head? Is he one of the new jackass people? Yeah, is this Poopsies? No, it's just that he was on a razor scooter or a lime scooter and he tripped and hit his head and he didn't have a helmet on and now he has to eat through a straw for the rest of his damn life. Oh, Guiguo. Yeah, he's not even Guiguo, he's Guogui.

You can't even say Guiguo, right? This is my son, Guogi. He's Guagi. I'm Guagi. Oh no, Guagi's here. Guiguo hates Guagi. This is so stupid. Yeah, for sure.

But you were prescient. You said right five minutes before that dude fell. That happens a lot. Which means we almost certainly would have blown it and biffed it. We would have broke the scooters in half. The way you've been eating. You put on surely 25 to 30 stone. 60 pounds.

Yeah, kilograms. Yeah, that was a very cool space uh where we got to hang out and hear hear productions

that's right yeah h-e-a-r h-e-r-e yep so yeah hopefully they'll be able to they're supposed to like

do some streaming of music and comedy I think they're gonna do like a red room situation where the worst comic is slowly tortured to death on the dark web. So it's probably David Lewis. Were they maybe

filming a porno in one of those other lofts? Well, I don't know. They were filming a music video, I think. They were like, we got the music and we're making it loud. It's funny when we got to that place and it was just like you, me, and AJ.

AJ Grill, by the way. He's our boy. It was like that Mata and that guy Ryan were talking to us and being very nice to us. And then you were like, God, this Mata lady is really being nice to us and being very nice to us. And then you were like, God, this Madeline, she's really being nice to us. I think she wants to fuck us. Yeah, I was like, yeah, that's what it is. They want to bang us.

No, that was your more sincere thought. Yeah, they want to swing with us. No. Uh-uh. And you were wasted. I was not wasted. When I told you that you thought that, you were like, doesn't sound like, couldn't be me. And it was you. No.

You're like, I was kidding. It's like, no. No, you're like, yeah, they definitely want to bang the two of us. That's what's going on here. You thought that. You think everybody wants to fuck you. They usually do. And I can't.

The answer might surprise you. The truth is, no. No, because me and Dr. Fat Tits DDS, we're deeply in love. I can't cram any strange anymore. Doesn't mean she bangs you. She does too. Oh yeah, also you

got in trouble because for no real reason you were like, we can smoke cigarettes in here. I'm sure you can't. And then you asked the guys making the music video. Who were blasting blunts and stuff.

Yeah. And weed is way different from six. And maybe they don't live there. Or, you know, maybe they're renting that space as opposed

to owning it. So Ryan and Matt would care more than they would about. And yes, of course, you weren't supposed to. But you were like, I don't know any better.

Because if... If only there were a sign that says for sure that it's right in front of me. And it's like, you just wanted to smoke inside, so you're like, I'm sure it's fine. Most buildings love when you smoke cigarettes inside.

It's not me. It's the sensation that's sweeping the state and the nation smoking cigarettes inside. It is fun to smoke inside when it's not your house. Well, yeah, and you were out with Timmy D who loves to smoke

wherever he goes. Well, yeah, God bless him. Like Josh Blue just drinks and smokes weed wherever he is. Wherever he is. He does whatever he wants. Well, yeah, God bless him. Like Josh Blue just drinks and smokes weed wherever he is. Wherever he is. He does whatever he wants. Yeah, because he,

if he can just like pretend to be very, very mentally unwell if someone comes in. He just goes in super spy mode. He goes super saiyan. He'll be like,

oh, sir, are you smoking in here? And he's like, gorgie, gorgie, gorgie, gorgie. He just joins up with the Watt family. He shits his pants immediately. Yeah.

Oh, it's a big job, bro. I know you're listening, Josh. Shout out. Hey, Sam. Oh, hey, I didn't know you were here, Josh. Good to see you. What are you up to? He's in bed with us.

Aaron, you rang it out with Dave Chappelle how was that I liked it alright well you heard it here first everybody

don't look at me I'm looking no way so yeah we I spoke inside. Well, I also. Anyway.

Yeah. No, but I also, those girls were like, oh, you're smoking? And I was like, yeah, I'm having one. You know, I had a long day at the office. I think I earned this. Yeah, you definitely can smoke cigarettes in here. I'm assuming. Yeah. Like 100% you can smoke, I think I earned this Yeah you definitely can smoke cigarettes in here I'm assuming Like 100% you can smoke I think

I have no idea if I can or not But I want to so I am Yeah so I'm going to justify it By getting you guys to do it Then I saw Madda coming down the hall And I immediately palmed my cigarette I put it out in my hand Like she was a cop

Yeah and put my cig in my pack I guess in my pocket In your mouth and then those three girls just took the heat for it was fun it was fun to watch you just to rape what I said you just you joined in yeah I was like you guys are smoking yeah you turned around and sided with Mata and I was surprised I was like whoa I didn't know you guys were smoking right there, two feet from me. I didn't know you guys were blasting heaters.

Bummer. Wow, that's so rude. That's a wild thing to do in someone's house when they invite you in and feed you beer and act like you're the greatest. You guys should be ashamed of yourselves. What? Lun was smoking? What's this in your pocket?

Oh, my God. Madda, look. He had a lit cigarette that he just hid. I ate my butt. So it doesn't count. And then she's like, Oh, I didn't know Guigua was here. Never mind.

Party on. Well, the rock and roll reptile Gweegwell appears. Gweegwell said it was cool to smoke. Gweegwell loves smoking indoors. So, were there any other highlights from this trip? So many. Sign up for our Patreon

in order to hear more. And our OnlyFans. We're cranky-inking it over there on the OnlyFans. Oh, it's me, Bertrand, and I just came. Deer more. And our OnlyFans. We're cranky-inking it over there on the OnlyFans. Oh, it's me, Bertrand, and I just came. I was watching Deer Hunter and I came like I usually do. Why are you calling the Army surplus? I want to see if you want it.

I have a surplus to come. I don't know if Army needed it. Army Hammer. It's Army Hammer surplus store. Oh, that's, I think it's gonna sound a little something like this.

How's Army Hammer sound? I don't know. Army Hammer. I thought you knew. I'm Army Hammer and there's too many of me so come to Army Hammer surplus store and I'll give away

my son no no that's good so yeah I smoked inside I guess that was most of the highlights other than

doing a great job at fun shows crushing talking to people afterwards, talking to listeners. We talked to several listeners over this weekend of shows, which was cool. Thank you for coming out. That was kind of what we hoped for. Yeah, we met patrons. Thank you, patrons. And hey, if you're not a patron, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah, you're wasting your little guiguo life. Get away from the WAD family and put down that handful of orange chicken before you even pick up a plate. This lady, she had her fucking hands in the lo mein, this little girl. Just scooping up noodles with her fingies. Yeah. God. But if you want to do that with our podcast, scoop up our noodles with your fingies by going to patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and enlist in the chubby army so you can come to our shows and, you know, raise a little hell. Grab a little banana and then head on down.

Nanners. We got some hot ones coming up, Lund. What, shows? Yeah, shows. We got some hot ones coming up, Lund. What, shows? Yeah, shows. We do, yeah. This is the first weekend of the... What is it? Ingbert and Gingbert?

Elbert and Gelbert? No, Erbert and Gerbert. Erbert and Gerbert. Yeah. Coming Fast and Furious in May. Jeez. What do we got? I got a wipe.

Those are my new underwear. I'm wearing your undies. And you fucking are trying to get your revenge. Yeah, this is what I pay $75 every 30 minutes so you can eat another 400,000 calories. The 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th opening

and the 18th opening for Tim Dillon. Go check out timdillon.com for the dates on that. 21st, 22nd, 23rd, 24th as well. Hey everyone, me and Lund are coming at you on the road. I just wanted to shout out April 19th I'm at the Aggie Theater in Fort Collins headlining. You should come out and buy

tickets to that please. And then me and Lund getting this show back on the road. May 20th and 21st, the Riot Houston Comedy Club. And the 27th and 28th, we're in Austin, Texas. Then we're in St. Louis at Helium. All these dates are on SamTalent.com. A lot of cool stuff

coming up. I'll be out there with Tim Dill in the next two weekends of April. Then Sophie gets married. Shout out out Sophie. Unless I'm able to convince you to go full gui guo.