Chubby Behemoth - Cracked In The Middle

Episode Date: November 14, 2025

SEE THE BOYS LIVE - https://www.samtallent.com/     SPONSORS: Lucy - Support the show and get 20% off your first Lucy order with code CHUBBY at https://www.lucy.co/CHUBBY     IndaCloud - If you're 21 or older, get 40% OFF your first order + free shipping @IndaCloud with code CHUBBY at https://inda.shop/CHUBBY #indacloudpod     Tushy - Over 2 Million Butts Love TUSHY. Get 10% off TUSHY with the code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com/CHUBBY     PATREON EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth     This week the boys are together in New Orleans for Skankfest 2025. Nathan participated in the futon wars, met someone that didn't know what the fest was, and scored a solo. Sam tells the boys about doing the kickoff show, has a big idea for a new mode of transport, and decides what kind of Pokemon Pat is.     00:00 Some People Like Rapping 02:11 Roadwarrior Chicago 85 05:27 Breed Me 07:32 Did You Live With Taproot? 09:05 Giant Stingray 10:07 Ground Type 12:10 You're Allowed To Stink 14:00 Exhibit PU 15:37 It's Garbage Time 16:41 Spanking Everyones Hine 17:50 The Stage? 19:21 You Can Throw It Away 23:11 Who's Playing Who? 25:44 Teacher Was Pissed 26:50 Maybe It Should Just Be Me 29:03 God Bless Ya 31:36 No Relation 34:41 Couple Too Many? 38:41 That Was For You? 40:09 Ride The Wave 43:16 Duffel Bag Full 44:04 Cheating On Santa 46:46 Lock Them In There 51:04 Learn The Night 52:58 Boing Boing Man 55:04 Didn't Know About Any Of This     Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth    

An OG, Sam T, the hood rat from the 303, I drink P, yum, yum, yum, yum, e. I won pooh, two. Fine. This isn't the end of Shining. This is the beginning. I'm just saying that like some people like rapping in different ways to express themselves.

Express yourself. NWA, what did that stand for, Sam? Huh? NWA, Northwest Arkansas. Straight out of Little Rock. Yep. Did you ever fly Northwest? What do you think?

Too young. I'm not old enough. I don't remember it. I didn't fly continental either, Pops. Yeah. It couldn't smoke on planes. We used to be a real country with big, big planes in the sky. Big planes, big dreams on the ground.

Dude, when I flew, I was in row 24 to get here. No way. United. Go off. And it's been a while since I've been in the back half or whatever. I've had some emergency exits. I've had, there is such a big. I was like, this is a joke plane, right?

because it was hilarious how little space I had and then the woman like in front of me immediately came all jammed you jacked back yeah and I was I wanted to be like ma'am we're in 23 and 24 this is not allowed have you ever loved anything

this is illegal do you use prell because your hair is in my mouth you a prel guy dude I gave so many hugs tonight and just wound up with like a fucking mouthful of lady hair just Dude, this was the highlight of the night for me, Felipe Asparza, rushes up to me.

Sam, you're the fucking man, dude. I got to meet you. You're the fucking man. I was like, are you fucking kidding, dude? You're the best. And he's like, for real? And I was like, yes. We hug.

He told me a bunch of great stories about Chuck Roy and hippie man. Whoa, nice. Yeah, he, like, loves those guys. I was like, Chuck was so mean to me, you know. I told him about stealing his gig at Red Rocks. And he went, you're a motherfucker, Sam. You're a motherfucker. I was so stoked

That was so cool Yeah dude Because I saw him at the bar And I wanted to go up and be like Hey man Don't want to bother you But you're the man He fucking rushed me

Across the parking lot That fucking Sam Yeah dude I mean shit I mean I couldn't have a bigger fucking ego than I do right Not ego

Gratitude Yeah Just fucking Well of happiness That skank I mean You got some love I did story wars tonight

They brought out Dave Smith They brought out Mullen They brought out me last. I got a huge pop, dude. Road Warrior Pump. Big old pop, dude. Road Warrior Chicago, 85, man.

Damn. All right. I'm talking fucking Sandman. I don't know if they were. In Delaware. All right? Yes. Why not Philly?

Well, he, you know, everyone was huge in Philly. But he popped him in Delaware like no one. Oh, yeah. Oh, speaking of Delco bangers. I mean, tonight's surreal. Sorry. I need to slow down a little bit. No.

I'm excited to see you guys. Go nuts. geeked well here's the thing i'm gonna take a nap so just say whatever you want and then i'll do the ad read i was so flattered to do the opening night kickoff thing at the joy theater wanted to do the joy forever i get to do story wars i've never hung out with louis jay dave i've said that dave's been a dick to me in the past dave was very nice to me tonight uh i did get his ass real hard because he told a very long boring story on story wars and i went after he was bombing i went wow it's like we're there and it was a story about him getting punched in the face

Wow. It's like we're there. Huge pop. It was awesome. They're just so nice to me. So yeah, Lewis and fucking Big Jay. They were so cool. Big Jay was like, dude, I was like, thank you for having me on this.

And he's like, oh, man, like, are you kidding? Like, you're a ringer. He's like, you're the go-to for anyone on this festival. I was like, wow. So that was cool. Yeah, man. But even cooler. And you also don't get that a lot when you're headlining and you're away.

I never see comics, dude. I literally only see Big Jay, Lewis, anyone from New York once a year, maybe twice a year. So it's just nice to get flowers from people that I respect, but we're in the same industry. I never get to see them. It's just nice, dude. They're so good at their jobs. They're such good

broadcasters. They made it so easy. But anyway, at the end, they're like, all right, guys, we've got to wrap it up. Hate Breeds coming up. And I was like, all right, Nudge Mullen. Me and Mullen were having a lot of very fun. I hope those mics weren't powerful.

Side story awards. Dude. Motherfucker. Inside joke wars. He cooked my ass so hard on story wars because he immediately went like a story that had, you know, more than a sentence in it and like a period and it was spelled correctly. He was like, oh, it's Sam. Look at you.

Look at you out there. I was loading father's pipe. He cooked my ass for like a minute. It was awesome. And again, like I'm such a fan of Nick too. So it's like, Mullen's cooking my ass at Skangfest. It's sick. I was a mark the whole night.

Fuck, yeah. So, yeah, Mullen's the dog. And they said, hey, breed. I said, hey, breed. And I'm like, hey, preet. I was up after that mushroom head, you know? And Mullen goes, because he's so autistic. When you get one-on-one with him, you just see his, like, his binary code.

Yes, good joke. Back to staring into nothing. Calculating hilarity level, 94%. Achieved. Excellence. Anyway, but anyway, who comes out immediately after that, hate breed, hate breed came out, and the guitar player was like, I love your shit. Like, what? Your hate breed.

I kept being like, breed me. I was in the front row yelling, breed me, breed us. It's kind of weird to have one band play, right? Like, when does that happen? One year, it was ever clear. Crazy. In Vegas, it was ever clear. That's wild.

Then last year it was, do you remember? Wasn't it ICP? That would have been huge. Shaggy too dope? I don't know. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

I'm 99% sure it was. No. You guys remember. You don't drink. We don't go to them. I'd never been to one of these. Yeah, we don't go to that party. Too good.

Too good for it. Never wanted to just be another hungry mouth, but I was booked on the party this year. So I was like, yeah, I'll be there. Dude, when they, I mean, hate breed, are you fucking kidding? I don't know. We have that song like Death Before Dishonor. You could say any, like, hardcore. Corrupted.

Yeah. Decade. Yes, malevolent truth. No, I know that they're good. I know that I've heard some of their stuff and been like, yes, but I don't, I don't listen to a ton. A friend of the pod listener, Alex Nichols that I grew up with. He was all hate breed all the time. Classic hate breed logo on the black long sleeve.

I can think of the hate breed logo for sure. He loved hate breed. I texted him. I was like, I accidentally opened for a hate breed. Yeah, it's unfortunate that the showcase and story wars flipped. Because if it would have stayed the original way, we all would have gone to Story Wars and hung out and then gone to, Pat and I would have gone to, Pat and I would have gone to do Polk. Well, I would have gone to. Yeah, oh yeah, you would have gone to.

So, yeah, it was unfortunate that you got flipped or you got flipped and then we had to part of it. And then we had to part ways. If you wanted to see me, you could have came last night, too. You know? I got to see the breed. I'm not talking about, I'm talking about us. I wish that we could have. I would have loved if you were to hate breed with me, dude.

It was sick. Oh, how about this? I do my joke at Sports Drink about how, for the longest time, I was only listening to Chevelle. And a guy, like, reacts physically and, like, nudges the lady next to him. And I was like, what was that? You a Chevelle head? I think I said to the woman, you're a Chappelle guy?

And he goes, she lived, she was roommates with one of them. And I was like, what? And then she immediately goes, no, no. And I was like, well, what is he thinking? It was a taproot. Did you live with, did you live with taproot? It got a pretty good pop. And then she got a good pop.

No, I did. Like instead of no reaction, I bet it did. I was surprised that how many people laughed at me saying taproot. Instead of being like, I don't know who. Chavelle or Taproot is, which is normally what happens. When we mentioned, oh, I said five-finger death punch and then taproot and that guy. Anyway, she, instead of saying the band, she goes, it's nothing. And I was like, what do you mean it's nothing?

What's the band? Turns out it was the vets. Oh. A lady band, an all-woman band. Not Chappelle at all. Well, the vets, Corvette. So that, yes, but the guy, yeah, the guy blew it. Well, he was listening.

He half listens to his lady when she says, tells him about her life. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, she lost her virginity in the back of a stingray. No, I was roommates with one of the vets. I used to fuck a guy who owned a stingray. What? Her dad got killed by a stingray, like Steve Irwin. No, no, no.

I would love to, it'd be sick if, like, there was a world where you could just ride on the back of a giant stingray. Like me, like feet aren't off the back. Like, you're just in the middle of it, kind of like a giant magic carpet. Yeah. That would be sick. Yeah, just sitting... If anyone out there

can make that happen for me, Sam T. Whatever, any ray. The big ones. I don't know the different ray names. I know manta, sting. The sting rays are the littler ones with like the stingers.

And then the manta rays are the ones with the big like, ah, rah, raw. There has to be some fucked up Megalodon Manta ray that lives in the bottom of the ocean. It's going to surface when it starts to boil down there

and I'm going to be right there with a fucking grappling hook and saddle. I'm going to be ready to rip and ride that motherfucker i'm dead serious i'd love to ride in the back of a seal a dougong would be number one they have the horn dougong dung not just a polkimo it's real you're thinking of a narwhal no narwhal's tight too dung is also real i think it's like the korean name for it oh yeah pat's on the ground that's on the ground how is it down there good flat he likes the ground man he's a ground

type. I'm glad we're all here tonight because shout out Andrew in Sports Drink. He said, hey, you guys can take this room. You know, there's a bed. It's right across the street all weekend. But, and you go into the bed and I take a futon and man,

I felt like I was on the back of a Manteret last night because it was awesome. No. It was fucked and bumpy and sharp. It was the coolest thing ever. No. It's my dream. Well, it's, it's, you should leave it a dream because your reality would be this stinks, my feet hurt.

My feet aren't hanging off. I literally said feet aren't hanging off. Completely immersed. You're standing. No, I'm laying on it. You're mounting for dear life. Yeah, it's screaming. Where you're ripping through the air?

It can fly. But yeah, if I can futon war. Yeah, move right over that. Oh yeah, let's go back to Manta Ray dreams. Sorry. No, the Manta ray can fly. It's okay. So anyway, your Fouton experience was less than satisfactory.

Okay. We'll just suck. Because long travel day, two shows, I'm like ready for Betty. You get into a bed. You're like, hey, it's dream time. That bed was so nice, dude. Yeah, it looked good. God, I get on the futon.

I'm like, fuck. It's one of those that's fucked. And so I quickly go to the floor. It wasn't even a good futon. It was cracked in the middle. It broke open only one fold. Usually what you want is the three section futon. Right.

Because then you don't have to lay in the crack. You were in the crack, flattened taco, broken shell. I was DC in 1983. Crack, baby. And it leaned one way. Oh, you were talking about the futon. I was talking about the floor. Oh, the floor leaned one way when you were done with the two.

Crazy decline towards the kitchen. But no, I'm on the futon. It sucks. I'm like, fuck, I have to be on the floor. I get the blankets. And I'm like, this. No, I don't get the blankets. I'm like, it doesn't matter.

I'm on the floor. I got a towel. Oh, yeah, because I stunk. You reeked really bad. Well, travel day. Yeah, travel day, great. You're allowed to stink. But what is weird is, like, I told you you reeked and you were like, I know.

And then instead of like taking a shower in the nice shower that you had access to, you had a whole like you had the whole front room. I'm in the back. You could have shower easily, hosed it off, went to bed clean. Instead, you just laid down on a towel like a dog dying. I didn't want to shower. I wanted to go to bed. Yeah, I get it. You reeked so bad.

You knew that a towel was necessary. Well, I didn't want Pat or Becca. to be like, oh, good, this futon is uncomfortable, and it reeks. It smells like a guy who I smell every travel time, every travel day. And Becker's the loudest, you know, anti-Lund smell guy there is. Lund hasn't smelled bad. Yeah, but like in New Zealand, I was so tired of your Lund Rieks updates. Like, I appreciate it.

I understand, but I was there, bro. I was on the front lines. I know. You don't have to tell me what it's like to be in the foxhole. I know he reeks. I ended up getting deodorant at a. veterinarian station or whatever because i diesel i i i did we should have afraid you down and thrown a match look like i have like three fucking tom's deodorants at home yeah those bastards

in new zealand i realize that i can't they were illegal them anymore if i like walk more than from the house to the car they should lose a class action lawsuit yeah tom should have to smell everybody's on this after they drive and then fly with my pit Tom look me in the eye and with me are they watering you make a good ineffective product yeah yeah this man stinks your honor you sue Tom yeah yeah and then I make out with any chick at a climbing gym and tell us it smells good yeah it'd be really funny if like Tom's like they bring you out and you're the big like smoking going to trial about whether they have a legitimate product or not and they're like

your honor i'd like to bring in exhibit l exhibit p u nathan lun yeah and then they bring you in and you're just like wearing a wife feeder and you like reek for sure you're all wet you're all sweaty like carl bro you look like carl yes you're carling out and then and then and you go like this and they're like all right if you think that your product works and then the man like who's on trial is like it was a lie it's like SVU when the guy snaps under zero pressure. Oh, shit. Yeah.

I would never, I can't whiff him. I know he stinks. Look at him. We all know he stinks. No court in the world would understand that he doesn't stink. I do that and there's a flower and a pot nearby that falls over.

A bunch of like a butterfly like flies into your stink zone and dies hits the ground. A moth gets zapped like it's a bug shrapher. Yeah. Burst in the flame. What's that, Tom? He's like, hey, that's not me.

The deodorant doesn't work. It's a separate suit. But it's also not a leg. It doesn't give you mutant powers. Anyway. It was a pre-existing condition. I tried to save Becker or Pat from whiffing me. I thought it was the perfect crime.

I don't want to take a shower, but I don't want to make the futon reeks. I was trying to get away with something, aren't you? I put a towel down like I was a squirder. The couch didn't reek. Yes. It didn't reek. Well, it was funny because I was sitting on one end of it, and I kept reminding Nathan that his head had to go there, pointing to him

where my butt was. One, so I started, I thought the futon was fucked, because I put my head away from where you were wiggling your butt, DNA into the fabric. I go on the floor with the towel. It's grinding my rump. At like 3.30 a.m., the garbage truck shows up. It's garbage time. Fuck, dude.

And they might have been training a guy because it might have been training the truck. You said it was very loud. It took forever. I was surprised you didn't wake up. It was out, man. Because it was forever of like just so many. super loud because I think it was automated the arm on the side that grabs the can and puts it in

sure and there were like three you have to explain different garbage trucks to me well sometimes it's a guy it's a highlight of my week sometimes it's a boy I like when they hop off the truck strong young man they hop off the truck they have their headphones on you get them one of these they go oh nice

yeah kind of like they're riding riding the Manta you're both up in the sky yeah fighting or razor fighting over who gets all the trash. Oh yeah. Shout out Mike Rainey kicking ass. Oh yeah. That was cool. In the pit. Crowd killing him and Shaneer. Not crowd killing. Mike was like not being a dickhead, but he was dominating everyone's little raw ass.

He was in there spanking everyone's hind, dude, going mental. And it was such a, he's just a shit house. He's in a white tea, perfect hair. He looks like a cop. Yeah. But he's kicking every. I mean, when I say that Mike was unfazed, he was the fucking jugger not. dude. He was going through the middle, doing the lap, shoving. Some guy was fucking high kicking everyone, like trying to do like crowd kill kicks and Mike went up and decked the guy. It was awesome. Not like punch, but definitely like, you're done. Was it? Hatebreed. Yeah, in the Joy Theater. Surprise everyone. It's hate breed. Was there a little little floor area? Yeah, circle pit the whole fucking time. Seats upstairs. Allegedly seats will be there tomorrow for the festival. They're going to have chairs.

the first thing they chanted at story wars was chairs chairs chairs yeah yeah but so tell me tell me about your show over there uh it was fun who did good who did bad everybody did good that fell off the stage everybody did good pat crushed dude pal was the stage no but he did yeah he kept uh he kept acting like he was gonna yeah yeah exactly yeah and and then when he said when he got went to go off stage he like really almost tripped and he would have fallen on to a guy. Was that guy scared? Yeah.

I was scared. You were terrified. Pat confirms he was scared and that Pat was also terrified. I was outside with a fan named Tucker. Shout out Tucker. Tucker. 25. Still alive. Little Tucker?

No, Big Tucker from Madison, lives in Madison. Tuck, tuck, tells me, oh man, Sam, Sam really got my ass one time in comedy on state. I was wasted. and the club was like, hey, if you say anything else, then we're going to kick you out.

And I was like, oh, good, big fan, big lung guy. He says, so yeah, I got myself out of there. And Sam calls me a sexual predator. And I was like, oh, yes, yes, ladies go to the bathroom in groups. And I was like, he just says that because you just got up or whatever. It's okay. And he was like, yeah, man, I was drunk as hell. I go into the bar over there, you know, next to the,

the show room and just like hung out. It's like, okay, yeah, I was there, but you, I'm sure you were fine. And then the whole time I realized he's very drunk and he's about to go into the show that I'm going to do. Very good. With a lund hat on top of the hat that he was already wearing. Be a problem. Oh, yeah, the hat, I said, you got a lund hat now.

You can throw it away. He goes, no, man, this is my cousin's hat, man. He died of COVID at 40. And I was like, oh, what happened? That's pretty young. He was like, he was a big guy. He was a big man. He said, he said he looked down on him.

and he was tall so he was probably six six oh tucker and he he said the whole time he got he got he's like it's not a big deal and then it got him so he had to keep the hat wore two hats but he was okay there was another good no i mean in the showroom he was he was okay he was okay there was another there was another table that was annoying all right because one guy out of four two two dudes and their girlfriends yeah were at at in town for Skank Fest and came to the show and only one of them knew what Skankfest was is a big, is the only one that's a big fan of comedy. His girlfriend says to me, what is Skank Fest?

And I go, why didn't, you didn't talk about this at all? No, I go, what's a like comedy festival, a bunch of stand-up comedy, some podcasts. Oh, I thought it was like a sex thing. And I was like, what? She's like, like, like, Skank Fest. I was like, oh, you thought it was like sex positivity. how wrong are you you got a bunch of in cells that are gonna that'd be nuts gonna grab you me and mullen are very convinced there's gonna be some dumping going on

that'd be crazy i mean we're in new orleans it's this is dump culture so dump them if you got them quid pro dump yeah you guys are put them out stars you guys can't say hey let's see you guys are like ace freely or dx and 98 you're like peter chris you guys are on top you're the cat man you're the cat man yeah everybody came up with some cool shit and then the drummer's like I'm gonna be a cat what if I was a kitty I think somebody what if I was a cuddly little kitten but yeah I'm going with a cat guy and what I'm sure okay yeah I'm a demon this guy's like an alien I'm the king of hell and yeah you're gonna be a you're gonna be a little kitty cat hey why not yeah I'm gonna play the biggest drum set I'm

only gonna use the snare the kick drum and the high hat I'm not gonna ever oh my god the biggest kit And then the guy saying it up is like, oh, yeah, I can't wait to see you really take these for a spin. You definitely need 12 roto-toms in addition to your three floors and your eight rack. This one has a bunch of dust on it because it hasn't been, it hasn't been hit. It was your 26-inch fucking kick. Kiss. Yeah, why not? They were the Ramon's favorite band.

Crazy. Dude, really kiss rocks. It's like kind of like sounds like Nugent. It's fun. to that light. I like a couple of songs for sure, but that kind of stuff. I don't know a lot of their stuff, yeah. They have a song called Love Gun, which is about the guy's dick.

Yeah. It's pretty sick. For sure. Oh, do you know, Becker's dad was a killer trumpeteer? No. Yeah. Yep. It's a convenient revelation after we saw some nice trumpeting today.

Yeah. I was saying I miss listening to my dad play. You miss listening to your dad play trumpet. Yeah. It's a revelry at 6 a.m. You get really stoned and play at night. Becker. Becker, wake up.

Becker, wake up and feed your mother. He got a full ride option or offer to BYU, and his dad talked him into turning it down. To manhunt? No, to play trumpet. To go find those gypsies. He played the band for Doc Severin, and they went and played at Disney World when he was in high school.

Huh. That was like an extracurricular thing he got recruited into. Meanwhile, you. No music of it Zilch Yeah Zip Yeah

Nada None Nunca I tried to play The baritone In like Fourth grade Sound too much

Like your butt Got confused No Just the baritone You're like Hey Who's playing who Is that a woodwind?

No it's like a small Is it Butwind Isn't it That's the name of it Now you're making me Wonder if I'm right What did you say?

No, I just don't know all the instruments. I was killing with floor people. Yeah, I got distracted because I said that you couldn't play the baritone because it sounded too much like your own butt and you got confused. That's you. That's you. Look, man, show them. No, don't show them.

Why? Because that will get flagged. We can't show fucking Patrick? No. It's literally Patrick. Not that Patrick. I know Patrick's penis. Pat can do the meme.

I played trombone because I didn't make the sixth grade band at drums. Jeremiah Camp did. I, like, failed the drum admission because I couldn't read music. Me? How long had you played the drums? The entire life. I don't remember learning drums. I didn't know when you started. Yeah, my dad had a drum kit.

My grandpa played drums in the army or whatever. Yeah, so I didn't, so I had to learn trombone. And I was like sixth chair trombone. I sucked. When I saw that guy swinging it today, really letting that. slide sing i was like this motherfucker's ice cold he just hit like a well i'd like perfect to know where exactly where your slide is to hit that note is insane to me i never figured it out yeah blows my mind the baritone was like a small tube uh better poop heavy i i hated it it makes they gave it to you

because it looked like you it may no i thought it sounded so the the music teacher played all the stuff i thought the baritone sounded really cool uh-huh so i said i'm gonna go with that yeah and then it was like almost as big and annoying as a tuba yeah like you i'm a tuba i'm a tuba toothpaste roll you out what i just don't know if i should talk or listen me either that's the issue yeah well all right go really talking a lot well so that's good i thought you'd be tired and i could i could do some stuff get in there talk about the floor talk about the futon no no you got a shout about Rainy? He's cracked some kid's skull. He gave somebody a DDT. I am sorry. I'm hearing you and I'm going to change here moving forward. So you were on the ground. No, I don't want to go

back to talking about the Futon. Okay. That is coming gone. Okay. I played the baritone for like 10 days and I quit and the teacher was pissed. She wanted to fucking smack my mouth. You could tell. She was furious. She's like, oh yeah, you're done. Huh? All right. Yeah. And my mom like made me ask about a refund for the, I think a deposit, right? I was like, yeah, my mom wants that $25 back or whatever, she was like, yeah, sure, great. Thanks so much. Now, was this a private tutor or school? School.

You got a quit band? It was a music, oh, it wasn't a class. It must have been separate. Yeah, because if you could quit, it wasn't a class. Couldn't like transfer. It wasn't like college. Band was separate in elementary school. And then in like junior high and high school, you could have it be an elective.

We didn't have band in 10. till sixth grade, yeah. Yeah. We had choir, though. That was in Illinois, so I was probably in fourth grade or fifth. Did you guys sing choir? Yeah, I couldn't do it. Yeah, I told you, I was in a play where we had to sing a song called Girls,

and it was supposed to be all of us, and all the boys, like, sucked at singing, and I said to the teacher, I think maybe it should just be me, and she was like, okay, and then I got a, I had a little solo. You don't remember that? That was Illinois. That was your star turn. Third grade, fourth grade? And you were like, hat crass buns.

These guys are my favorite treat. These guys sound like shit. Things I love to eat. Hat grass buns. Hat grass buns. I don't like girls. I like buns. I like buns, not girls.

Girls rule the world. I'm lund. It wasn't written. I didn't say I'll come up with something good. I'll do an original composition. There was a song called girls. Yes. and yeah

the rest of the guys sounded like just bad they didn't care whatever and yeah my music teacher said all right

it'll just be you isn't that crazy and I didn't get an acting bug I didn't get a fucking well she heard the rest of those that's fair

those douchebacks yeah but yeah I was a little star I didn't I didn't continue any like singing or acting or anything

Look, lady, I don't want to tell you how to drew your jab, but I'm eight years old. So why don't you take some notes there, Tuts? It's me, Lund. You can call me Aavier. I'm trying to get that over. I sang in choir. But I was in plays immediately. I think I was in my first play in like second grade.

Yeah, it was cool. Me and Emily Langen had the lead. You did it all. Music, sports. plays just a curious fellow it's just a lot yeah but you it was dude like in elizabeth the town was so small if you didn't do shit after school you had to go home yeah like it wasn't like i wasn't a skateboarder like and like when i was a kid there was literally nothing to do besides sports or go home or like go to your grandpas you couldn't go to the park you couldn't go to the movies we mostly

played football after school or basketball yeah and that was about it but like you couldn't lurk at the school just like chill you had to do something organized it was nice i loved it um by the way people reaching out to me about quitting drinking god bless you i don't have any answers i didn't have the bug that way so i feel like i'm setting you up for failure or like you're going to think i'm kissing you off like i don't know god bless you but i don't know well there's no answer right and everybody's addiction depth or whole or whatever is different. I always say that, you know,

I feel like it's claws aren't in each person the same way. Yeah, like I drink wine at Coquette with my sister on her birthday dinner. Like, I didn't have any compulsion to keep drinking or anything. Like, I think it was a sugar addiction and stand up is scary.

And that doesn't apply to your life, then I don't know what to tell you. But, you know, one day to time, you know, tomorrow is not yesterday. The brutal part of everything is that you can change and you know you can change and you can change every day, every minute, every hour.

But it's like so scary and brutal knowing that that you don't. So that sucks. And that's like the human condition, bro. So good luck. Yeah. There's not one. Oh, yeah, you do this and this and this and you're all good. Some people fucking struggle every day.

And some people benefit from meetings. But Megan and I think meetings can be weird for people because it's your whole. I hated it. Yeah. You started trying to go. I quit going to meetings immediately when I got out of rehab. I hated being in there. It made me want to go get high.

Right. Like, isn't it worse to constantly be talking about this drug and these stories are... It is a real glory days. Victory lap situations sometimes. Sometimes there's a hint of that. Or maybe it's not that, but you like that everybody's looking at you and you don't have, like, a bunch of friends that give you attention. So then you're like, oh, okay, these are my people. But then if it's just...

Yeah. And then they get their stories and they, like, do like the rounds telling their stories it's like they're open mic well and the two stories if that gets you sober fucking go crazy if hitting your head oh you know with a hammer you kind of need that amount of accountability or you just can't be around drinking and and and that was your old life or your old friend group and now this is your new friend group that's fine well as my granny said i just didn't go to birthdays for a year you know he's like you know like that was the only big change of my life is I didn't go to barbecues and birthdays for a year because like I didn't I wasn't going to the bar and shit you know it's just like I couldn't be around it and for a year Mike wasn't at birthdays and

everyone was like big deal no one gave a shit no one's as worried about you as you think they are yeah also I remember telling old dog food Robert Abbott oh no relation what do you tell him which flavor was your favorite yeah how to get the best deal on cases come on man go ahead no no i'm sorry no um it's not why we're here i told him that there's a little balancing act you have to do where between the lid and the spoon that's right your nod got me worse than this joke i was doing jack nicholson that was really good sex forehead uh no i wanted you you have to be accountable but also the worst thing you can do is you have a drink or a night of drinking and then be like fuck i can't do it so you can

have that fuck up but and you can't just be like well it's a living because then you're being too loose and next thing you know you've given up so you have to hold yourself accountable but you can't kill yourself to give yourself grace if you only had if you yeah if you had a night of weakness or whatever and then um the next time you try there's too much pressure because you fucked up once or twice already. Here's a fun little thought experiment to do when you're in these situations is think about if someone that you loved dearly was going to the same thing you were and they slipped up one time, would you be so fucking mad at them? Or would you be like, well, hey, dude, you had 13 weeks before that. Like, it's all good. Those don't. Like, not all good, but like, hey. Those still count.

Yeah, they can still count. It's also tough when the program talks about how you're powerless. I don't if I like that. And that's a balancing act too, because no, you're not powerless, but you're not so powerful that you can trust that you could try to dabble again or you could have these little rules like in a poly relationship. Probably not. Anything goes. That's tough.

No, no. Free use. As long as it's not alcohol that your wife knows, it's cool. As long as you're drinking it in the parking lot before work, it's not a big deal. As long as you wear a condom when you drink. Go to a motel. Drink it there. No, you, um, that's a,

balancing act too I think where it's like no you did that you're strong and you can do this but also you can't get cocky and be like well I can have a couple because that is dangerous and I think some people are not built like I tell people it's I think for a lot of people it's easier to have none than to have a little something something because that is so hard to do especially after you have literally had a few drinks then you're compromising in your mind you're making yourself promises I'm good at this I've got this next thing you know a couple more it's fine Yeah. So I think some people can get that feeling of like, holy shit, I'm done because now I know that I can't have any and that's okay. But some people that you don't, it does not that easy. You know, it's so it is hard to just tell somebody do this and do this. Oh, yeah. I mean, you never have any idea what's going on with somebody. It's really tough. Tonight, FI dance was like some guy came up to me and Ian were talking. Ian and Feeney and like this kid comes up and he's like, Sam, you look great. What happened? And I was like, well, I quit drinking like.

a while ago and I'm on Manjaro and Ian was like you quit drinking I was like yeah man he's like you like you like I fucking love it dude and that guy was like well what happened man you like have a couple too many and Ian was like well I used to drink and wake up covered in blood and say who's fucking blood is this

I was like yeah I drank too many million lights I was getting fat I was bloated I was porky pigging do you guys hear my new original character a Mexican porky pig let's hear Hey, Porky Pee.

Oh, hell, yeah. Yeah, that's cool. It's sick, right? Yeah. Where'd you making shirts. Hey, that's good. No earthquake. No earthquake.

He's literally pounding the ground. You fucking diglet. Look at you. What? You look like one. You're on the ground. No, you look like... Fuck.

Snor King. Remember Snorlax? Didn't they evolve Snorlax into Snor King? Yeah, that's like... Yeah, Snor King's so stupid. It's like Snorlax was perfect. It's definitive. You know?

That's like the coolest Pokemon. What about snorkeling? I love it. Manta Ray. What's that noise? There's somebody next door and flush the toilet. There's one that's just a pig called La Chonk now. It sucks.

Lechonk. Love you. You've been bringing up a lot of La Chus today. I'm a lichuga. I'm a lettuce guy. That's lettuce. I love it. The devil's letter.

Lechuga de Diablo. Ubas. Ubas. Yeah, you taught me that in Mexico. Remember? No. We were at that roadside stay and we like finally found food in the middle of nowhere and they had grapes and oranges and shit.

And I like ran up and I was like, how do you say grapes? And you were like, whoa, you're so smart. And you're like, I hold on to weird shit. I remember the weirdest shit? Well, Spanish. I know. It took Spanish seriously. Yeah.

And I had a Mormon. Great teacher. Mormon AP teacher who pounded vocabulary into us. His whole thing was the test. All penis. Was teaching like for the test. Huh? AP.

AP. All penis. Sorry. All pussy. Ooh. No. All, uh, all, uh, all, all thing. All right.

What are we? What's the plan here, Becker? What are you drive? I'm a little cuckamookamook. Remember when I said I would happily drive, talk? I want you guys to drive to Comedy Works. If you're going to come to Comedy Works in Denver, fucking, what are you doing? What are you doing?

Oh, go to Crystal. Go to Crystal right now. You're like, I'm scared. I can't go outside. I'm Porky Peak. Comedy Works. Thanksgiving. Get your tickets.

Now, please. God, I'm so tired of fucking ticket counts. If you're going to seem, if you guys like me, if you guys like me, you want to do something nice just get the tickets if you know you're going to go see me immediately so i don't have to get an email every wednesday saying Thursday late's looking slim no shit we're fucking two weeks out just get the tickets day late you're doing a show not Thursday Wednesday late's looking slim Wednesday no i'm not but if you care about no let's gobies comedy works san diego thanksgiving night christmas night christmas night the day after christmas minneapolis

sycophis psycho just get the tickets no i'm not please because I'm so tired of these fucking emails. I told you guys earlier, I want to quit stand-up because these fucking emails. You just want to write a man-or. You want to get paid to write a man to Ray. I want to get paid to get laid in the shade by my wife.

My wife to pay me to bang her. It would be sick. I just got paid to pipe my old lady. Real good. Real raw. I tell you we had to get Plan B when I was here last time. You said that on stage, and that was a very funny way to hear that for the first time.

and I think and I was with next to Andrew so he oh he I don't know if you heard him but I think he like said out loud kind of to you like that was for you so I think you maybe you made it sound like it was for somebody else let's just say I totally smashed up in that gush gush big or something no I said it was I told them for sure that my wife and I had a whoopsie I think maybe he wondered if you were joking or something no she was joking though joking that's that's That's not how you get pregnant. You were fine. You don't have to worry at all. Why was she bleeding then? After the medicine. She's allergic. Should be pissed if I talked about this in the pond?

I don't know. Who cares? She believes in women's rights to their bodies. There's nothing to be shamed of if you take them plan B. This is already a Patreon. No, no. Why? Because we're at 40 minutes and we haven't done the ads.

Okay, well, let's get to 50. Then we'll do the ads. Do the ads right now. What are you got? Ads. Splat me down, Hap clown. There's seven of them, so that's cool.

Hell yeah. Pats in the bathroom, whacking. He's riding the Manta Rite right now. I'd be nuts if we could hear it. I would hate that. I would leave it in. Bored with your nicotine routine, She thinks up with Lucy Breakers.

Oh, I love Lucy Brand Breakers. Ride the Wave. Oh, it's so good. Ride the Manow. They have a great Manoray-flavored Lucy. It's great. Salt water, taffy, seafood.

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Hell, yeah. With flavors like berry, citrus, mango, mint, and espresso. You can change it up with your mood. It's like a mood ring for your mouth. espresso one's good. Mango. I like mango. I like espresso.

You can't always find espresso flavored stuff. I think it's, well, it's like a coffee and a cigarette, isn't it? I mean, come on. Really wakes you up. says, hello there, your colon's ready for their appointment. Yeah, you blast. How are you proving twice at the same time? No questions, toilet.

I'm double-hit. Why did I get a fucking talking toilet? Why do I get a sassy, judgmental toilet? I got the fucking Sherlock toilet over here. I like this too. You can pick between four eight and twelve milligrams of nicotine and choose your own adventure. I like a four most of the time, a little mellow, chill vibe. If you like four eights, you do a 32, like what you got on your AP.

on your fuck you got this ac t bingo yeah no i like to do the octagon i go in heavy and when i wake up i spit them out you know whatever i ring the whole thing and i go i'm just kidding that would be irresponsible gatling gun yes i think that i think a four milligram pouch is a great way to start if you want to experiment with nicotine dip a toe uh flushed it as aggressive my baby my baby he keeps it all yeah he's nursing it

when he comes out I were to use but with jazz instead of pass I meant he pooped and he raised it like a baby

and he has shit all over his nipple when he comes out my baby he's crying so I have to give it mount to mouth

so yeah Lucy he's gonna name it crystal no I was going to name it Lucy let's level up your nicotine routine with Lucy

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He's in the cuck chair. He's turning off life. He's jacking it. Oh, no. What are you waiting for, Santa to come in? You're cheating on Santa. Cheating on Santa. I forgot about cheating on Santa.

You look nuts. It looked like the Blair Witch brought you. Blair Witch put you in the corner. You're a man in time out. Who are you waiting for? Crystal getting delivered? That'd be awesome. Into Cloud makes sense.

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Put life into easy mode ear plugs. By turning it off. That's, Pat was turning off us by turning away from us. Yeah, I hate this. And looking at the door.

It's like we're doing You look like a dog when the car gets into the garage. This is level three improv, and you're driving the bus. Jerky time. Yeah. You guys like movies? Yeah. But yeah, we do enjoy us some Indicloud.

Oh, it's a great product for real. All of their. Yeah, all the edibles are solid. I like the soda, the different soda flavored gummies. And it's like sometimes I'm like, well, maybe I'll smoke a little Indy Cloud when I want to like take it easy. You know, like your joke about Odules. It's like beer when you don't want to be drunk or whatever. I don't know.

Whatever it was. But yeah, you're like, okay, I'm going to pump the brake smokele into cloud. No, it's just weed. It's like just like gets you high. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. I don't know what the deal is, but get it in the mail.

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Guess what? Chicken butt. You're a piece of shit, so why don't you read about Tushy? Hey, why don't you stop? You're literally dangling off of God's taint, so why don't you tell us about a way to turn off? Yeah, and you're waiting to wipe me. You're waiting to reach up and grab me. I'm going to sniff it.

I'm sniffing it right now. I got Dr. Squaw. Wait, I've got beep, brand deodorant on. I certainly don't have Tom's on or else you guys would have. all be pissed. Yeah. Or else my eyes would be watering.

Stop letting your friends leave the bathroom. Lock them in there. Pat, get back in the bathroom. Think about what you did or didn't do in there. You only did half the job. You edged all the way.

But you got to let it splurt. Gift all the sloppy boys on your Christmas list to Tushy Baday. See how powerful that was? You guys heard it at home. That's the beauty of Tushy.

It's not only it blasts you wet, it then slurps you dry. It's the only one that reverse spaghetti is your butthole. You only tushy with a happy ending. I don't need to read the copy because I know this product very well. Imagine a dog eating spaghetti. All right. That's your bidet.

It's going to slurp all your slime off your crumbum. I tried to memorize this stuff. Why? You don't have to be off book. Why don't you just read it? I'm reading for a big role. Oh, because you end up saying things like turtle. bitch.

It doesn't help when I read them. Yes. I get nervous. I'm nervous purpose. You read all the time. 99% of people feel cleaner and fresher. What about this 1%? I want to meet that guy.

Yeah. I like it dirty. I like it caked. I like knowing that I made. That's a part of me. It's like him keeping his jazz. Yes. That's me.

I made that. And why would I throw away something I made? That's mostly me. It's food and me came together to make a new thing. It's a co-lab. It's a drop I'm doing with my butt. That's why I quit Baritone. He's my best friend.

Read it. No. I don't have to. Stop trying to show off. Look at me. I memorized stuff. Toshiba days stream fresh water. That's what you want.

You don't want to use water. You don't have salt water. They remove 99% of bacteria. And that 1% you need that. All right, you need that up there. Keeping it all clean. Build up a tolerance. Tushy's entire line of badees easily attached to that ass.

Sorry, your existing toilet, no additional plumbing needed. You don't have to be a goddamn plumber. You don't have to be Mr. Tubbs out there in Philadelphia. All right? No. You don't have to. You're a real guy? Oh, yeah, I saw him the night, dude.

I was like, Tubbs. He's the man. You know Tubbs? Yeah. Yeah, he's cool. I let me out. It's a great product. What the fuck do you want from us?

We use them. I use them every day. What the fuck do you want? I want my butt hurts. They want you to read the ad. I hate wiping. They don't want you to get defensive about the ad reed. What do you want from us?

You know you're number one. You're the Kleenex of butt sucking technology. I should really read this. It says don't mention butt sucking. It says whatever you do, don't mention anyone's butts getting sucked or slurp. It doesn't suck your intestines out through your anus. It's not an entire ghost story by Chuck Polaniuk. Tushy's entire line.

They attach. you know they're easy to attach lund did it after you know months of study well Megan didn't Megan did it yeah pat so easy a woman can do it come on that's in the copy pat bidet john bidet ramsie do you want to speak yeah yeah it's good yeah and pat has to spread he spreads it's the only way to live honestly look remember a hole is only a dirty word if you wipe for limited time show your behemoth fans get 10% off their first bidet order when you use code chubby at checkout that's 10% off your first bidet order at hello tushy.com with promo code c hubbb why what a great time a great time you know yes see what you missed i didn't miss anything i nailed it i wailed it

wow impaled it flad style are we really going to get crystal oh i'm getting christmas Why don't you run off and grab Crystal. We'll wrap it up here. You can take Pat. He needs his walk. I'm okay. We can all just go in eight minutes. Yeah, but what if some of us didn't want to go?

You don't have to go. Some of us wanted to stay. Chill out. You have to go because you've never been here and you need to go learn the night. You have to learn the night. You have to smell the smells. You need wine? Is that what you said?

I need wine. I need wine. I wish he said that. I need wine. I need wine. He whined about needing... I want wine. I'm a wine guy.

Oh, I want some wine. Hey, daddies. Can I have some wine? Can't spell wine without wine. Wait, didn't you say that he's tall dad now? Yeah. Your own dad? Little guy.

Not a little guy. You're a little guy. I am a little guy. I was cold earlier. Mike Rainey was pushing you around all night. Push the way it around. Yeah, we go back and watch the security footage, and it's just him checking Sam.

Yeah, and push you down. Sam's like, he must have been the biggest man ever. He was so tough. He's holding my glasses up. Kids were getting fucked up. You were the guy kicking.

Yeah, he smashed me. But I can kick now because I'm a little guy. I've embraced my new mantle as little guy. I'm glad to be a little guy. You hate it. That's great. I'm mine at zero. You can't, yes,

and you're little. You guys are all little. You guys aren't little. more i'm little now i'm 255 i'm i'm little be crazy i'm 255 no you're not yes oh shit yes dude wow i'm 255 pounds me too you're gonna get me too that's more likely than being 255 you gotta come down man come down chill with me man i'm maxing yeah that's we'll get you some khakis you're gonna be nuts crazy in that uh suit at cat katerina's wedding i was the boing boying boy man it really um it really like jumped out at me as you like walked around uh walked in the parking

lot you're a little ways away and i was like holy shit and you're like what yeah i was like you just look crazy i'm literally jack skellington and then it is funny to see when people when clubs or whatever we'll use an old oh my god it's brutal it's like oh shit it's so and it feels like that's a long time ago and it isn't it's like a year ago two years ago it's i mean it's i'm so now you're you the real you here's the here's the dichotomy of ham bald and little bald little cold whiny i want wine where's my wine hey that's that's fut that's the foot call oh yeah wait i've almost forgot about this fat but pat by the way there's four t's all the t's are at the end yeah i want to clear up some stuff on the Reddit when it comes to my dog food thing.

People made it way. It was like you telling the fucking story of the CPAM, boner, blowjob machine where you make me the dumbest, grossest, weirdest guy ever. No, I disagree. I think I paint a hero. They go from hearing that, yes, when there was a little bit of dog food on the fork, I would eat it instead of going and rinsing it off. they took that and acted like I did that

and then put it back into the silverware drawer did you no no that's insane that would have been nuts that's way worse did you just have a designated dog there's a plastic fork that we mostly use for the dog food because the dogs take the dog food off of it and you don't want them chomping onto metal

fork or spoon right so yes after they would have it in there mouth. I would clean it with mine, but I wouldn't put it into the silverware drawer for Megan to use with a salad. No shit. But I'm saying it wasn't even. You don't listen? You didn't know about any of this? Okay. Yeah. He's been eating dog food. Nightraps. I would clean a long time. No, no. It's been like three weeks since I stopped. It hasn't been a long time. Three years. I stopped after I told them.

What? How long did you do it? I don't know. It doesn't matter. You brought it up, buddy. I know, but you guys are laughing so hard. It's like, all right, join the Patreon, and I'll see you guys on the flip-flop.

And I don't put the fork into my butt after I eat it. Well, no, but you don't put it back. You had a designated fork. It doesn't go back in the drawer. It's fine. Back in the day. All right. thanks guys no we're not done yet we have two and a half more minutes no don't hit the button

all vamp for two and a half more minutes i didn't do anything over it dude i'm over it oh everybody i wasn't blasting you pat laps really hard acting like it's the craziest weirdest thing ever well i thought that's what he was doing and then i remember he was doing and then i remember he didn't make up a bunch of lies that we can't confirm you're like oh yeah i fucking kick Dizzy Gillespie's ass My dad fucked over Dizzy Gillespie

took his job I tell the truth and the truth hurts I would just no it was just like a who cares

kind of thing No it was whenever like a lot of times if there was a little dog food on there I wouldn't go

and rinse it off and I would just put it back not in the silverware drawer yeah my fucking stuff or it's because I'm in withdrawal

from dog food. I'm eating. I have to have it. I thought I could stop. It was easy for me to quit drinking, but I can't quit dog food. I like it. Have I been anything but nice about this situation? I could be making such a meal.

You and Becker have been losing it while looking at each other. It's super distracting and annoying. It's annoying where it's like you're listening to your buddy. I'm finally talking. It's not defending the nuances. It's not defending the nuances. It's saying. For five minutes. I'm not allowed to laugh at this. I don't get what you want from us. You're literally the man. We love you and you're talking about the Reddit and then you're, looking down on me.

I'm not at all. I am so happy that you made this change. I told you that. And you're cool. You're ridiculous. You're projecting. And I'm a psycho because I say a little dog food for a long time a day for a year. Who cares? Longer than a year. No. I don't think it was a thing until the church. I don't know. So it's not like my whole. life or anything good that's a relief yeah well yeah pat my nuts i mean what do you want i'm not trying to be crazy that you're still like holy shit i can't believe it it's so funny i can't wait to and we just got to re-experience it i was just gonna say it got my ass because we were talking about how it was obvious you weren't putting it back in the drawer and then when he started to freak out it i realized like oh it's

new information to him and that was very funny to me that he was spazzing out and you're the one who brought up dog food both times on this episode. So, like, we're not, I'm letting it die. I'm not going back to the well and saying, hey, let's talk about the dog food thing. I'm happy. I'm proud of you. I think you're the man. Don't say I'm proud of you.

Well, for a lot of things, not because you quit dog food, cold turkey. I mean, you loved cold turkey. Switch to cold turkey. That's part of the issue. We got to stop. Goodbye. Goodbye. Thank you.