Chubby Behemoth - Cumvoy

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

D'Bounty Hunter. Sassolite. Napkin Involved.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey everyone, listen to this free episode. You're going to love it. Lund committed the ultimate scene behind the wheel. But if you want to have more wackadoo antics with your two favorite Chubb Rockets, get on patreon.com slash chubby behemoth and join the revolution. That is $5.

A goddamn month gets you four episodes. And that's about it. So yeah, we love you. Let's get into the program what'd you just say that she just wants it gone it reminds her of her dead husband who does uh this lady in trinidad wants me to come make an offer on her dead husband's car oh my god yeah okay were you saying that to yourself were you practicing the pitch yourself or were you saying it to me i was saying it to my dad i was talking to my dad while i was waiting

for you guys to log in oh fuck busting nut becker's there yeah he's waiting for me to finish up so we can go uh wash the cars hold sub pump becker. They call him that because his dick goes all the way down to the septic. Oh, he'd be so happy to hear somebody bragging on his dick. Oh, yeah. Long dick Danny. What's his name? Ken. Ken.

Yeah. Ken what? Kenny Wayne. Kenny Wayne Becker? What the fuck? K.W. Becker's on the case yeah dude shit dude that's crazy you came from him i know i'm gonna have to leave this all in now too oh yeah you gotta leave it in man just like he left it in your mom when he made you come on lunch i'm really can't hear us right uh no my mom would she would enjoy it. I don't want fucking Kenny Wayne to come up here with his pack of bloodhounds to hunt me down.

I don't want to be your dad's last caller before he goes to the grave. You won't be. Who's he hunting for? No one. He's been done forever. Damn, dude. So it's just me me i'm the white whale you're the one that got away man yeah

oh what the fuck is lund up to lund has never been less busy than he is right now i don't know and i feel bad i just didn't want to tell you i was leaving town because i didn't want to pressure you sick into doing an episode that's okay i mean i appreciate you not putting the hammer down but i was asleep for like the last 40 hours pretty much yeah and i but i knew in my heart i was like he'll feel better the second i leave town and then yeah of course be ready yeah because you know murphy's law all right you guys are in i'm here and stop in the video uh if you stop after an hour you don't have to stay on the line or anything the file will be good i recorded it to the cloud okay have fun with kenny wayne becker fucking sexually harassing denny's waitresses or whatever you two are up to

that's tomorrow when we go to the car show alone oh you're leaving mommy in the truck yeah like hey bitch here's some sudokus busy yourself while we go honk some butt cheek yeah dude it's gonna be great all right buddy have fun with your dad all right later guys later man oh there it is so fucking becker's out of here dude i don't know if you heard any of that one but becker just walked off the set i just got here okay well we just went through a lot he's had uh pretty too much this week his uh it was just revealed to him that his father's name is kenny wayne he didn't know his middle name until right now he's always called him pops yeah anyway yeah that sounds good wayne Kenny Wayne. Yeah, Kenny Wayne Becker. That's pretty badass, right? Manhunter, Kenny Wayne Becker. In the number 48 car, Valvoline and Dunkin' Donuts.

It is number 47. Oh, and he has left the track abruptly as he saw a Latino 25-year-old who's been on the lam. a Latino 25 year old who's been on the lamp. Kenny Wayne looks, looks like he has dropped his Newport into his lap. And that is a flammable, flammable retardant suit, but it can only do so much when you're covered in gasoline and Valvoline.

Kenny Wayne has taken 70 laps in a row. He has been gutting his grizzly winter green since the start of this race. And you can really tell the machine of his mullet is radiant he is gutting it and then puking folks and he refuses to take the jaw out of his mouth he keeps re-dipping he leaves the window down so he can puke out the window it's unheard of it really cuts into his aerodynamicism but he is pushing the 13 car all the way to freedom kenny wayne becker just out there it's funny to be a manhunter that's his literally on his taxes he puts down manhunter is he grateful for dog shining a spotlight on bounty hunters or does he think he did it wrong

well becker claims that fucking dog like you know babysat him when he was a boy like he used to ride around on dog shoulders just smelling all the hairspray at the county fair getting recognized getting bounced getting bounced off of a low-hanging car on the ferris wheel just goes right right near it and becker takes one to the dome yeah becker's dad uh apprenticed under dog he was pup he was pup becker little tadpole the bounty hunter for all of you who don't know if you're a new listener uh jake becker our sometimes producer uh constant disappointment becker uh uh he's got bong lung he's got thc dick um he he's got uh he had he had to get tommy john surgery because he hurt his shoulder scraping resin just a drug addict with sideburns his dad is a bounty hunter

in colorado springs who apprenticed or worked alongside of dog the bounty hunter famous uh big tit enthusiast his wife had him and i definitely made it rain to her a couple times oh god what oh yeah just watching the episodes are you google her oh yeah totally episodes dog's wife yeah and then you just jerk it no she's wearing a tank top how do you know mom you better go to the store on the episode how long do you know that uh you don't know how long you're gonna be looking at her versus looking at dog body slamming some guy in Hawaii? Yeah. I mean, some toothless Hawaiian comes on the screen and then you got a fetish for old pumpkins. You got jack-o'-lantern dick.

Jeff's been squatting here. Jeff flew. Jeff flew here to Hawaii illegally from Indianapolis, Indiana. And he's been squatting here spreading the diseases of the continent to the island folk here. And it's time to take him down. He was blast, Jeff.

Yeah, he this guy's out here poisoning pineapple patches. Meanwhile, I got my dick in my hand just waiting for dogs. What was her name? Bitch. This dog and bitch, no no pony dog oh yeah

pony keg what was dog's last name was it da bounty hunter that was his last name it was d apostrophe he changed it for the show from the acadian the bounty hunters like we would have changed our names to the dumpster boys yeah sam the dumpster boy you're still lun the dumpster boy yeah i'm a first name on last name the dumpster boy.com yeah man that was great but yeah anyway uh becker's comes from a family of bounty hunters and uh he can't be on the episode right now because he has to go help his dad wash the truck and i'm just imagining the scene from dodgeball where they try and do the bikini car wash and it's uh that kid justin and then there's the guy rubbing his belly button with the dog on the

leash that's becker's dad that's that's kenny wayne becker and then little jakey's just on all lusting after his own son well just lusting after what was once his own seed he's such a narcissist that he wants to fuck his son back into his dick like i spit you out and i want to slurp you back up like I'm trying to spit on a younger sibling's forehead. Remember that game? Yeah, yeah. Slug it back up. Those were the days.

Have you done that to Emily lately since she's sick and feeble? She does it to me. It's one of the few ways I can still maintain an erection. It's when I get reminded of my older cousin Alita pinning my arms down and hawking a milkshake loogie dangerously close to my face. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. Alita liked to get a frosty and she was powerful and I was young and she would hold me down and her and Sarah would put makeup on me and dangle loogies inches from my little forehead. Yeah.

Damn. Yeah. I didn't have anybody bullying me. I was top cop. Yeah. I was big and bad. Yeah. No, I didn't have anybody bullying me. I was top cop. Yeah, yeah. I was big and bad. Yeah, no, I was the youngest of the cousins. So I definitely got just fucking menaced by Latinos. Latinas.

They had the big Coke bottle bangs. Remember those bangs? They put a Coke can in there and then wrap the bangs around it and hairspray it so they had those they had like uh homies figurine face makeup on you know just the most severe thin eyebrows they look like pretty much like like harlequins and they would just fucking beat on me while wearing like eagle starter jackets that was most of that was most of my boyhood i was gonna say cunningham but it would have been a little bit later would have been uh wow who's between cunningham and mcnab uh a couple white guys probably bernie kozar yeah it's probably vinnie testaverti i can't remember anyway it was

uh it was probably oh fuck what was his name oh fucking he had the gnarly mustache he played for the chiefs for a while jeff something garcia no not jeff garcia the opposite of jeff garcia of Jeff Garcia. Hey, listeners, if you remember bad B-string quarterbacks from the early 90s, hit us up at Chubby Behemoth on Patreon.com. That's not it. What is it? It's Angelfire.org

featuring Chubby Behemoth IRC. Internet Relay Chat. NRA.com slash chat slash Chubby behemoth uh irc and i really chat nra.com slash chat slash chubby behemoth yeah go to who's got them.gov and vote on which senators got the biggest pair lund we're supposed to be in st louis together right now but one of us had to cancel together right now but one of us had to cancel yeah that's right i could be neck deep in rib sauce yeah sorry man um sorry to let you down i want to apologize to all the saint lunatics who bought tickets i think we had that thing sold out it was just the garage but still uh i tested positive for the sars covid 2 virus or as many of our listeners call it, the hoax, Biden's curse, Obama's departing gesture. Yeah, so I've got it again.

This is my second or third time coming down with this, what's definitely a nerve agent perpetrated in a dark lab and well you i'm fine so you figure you got you said you thought you got it in austin we slept in the same bed in austin i didn't get it remind me i didn't get it though i don't think knock on wood yeah maybe i got it in rhode island makes more sense to me i mean you have that hard line rule of no mouth stuff so that's probably why you didn't get it yeah we were hugging but not kissing kissing a lot of big spoon little spoon which one's the knife which one's the fork that kind of stuff i did the log roll through the through the guest house yeah that was huge oh dude remember when i fucking i greased you up with uh with sunscreen i gotta i gotta lotion your back and you were like pouting about something or trying to make

me feel bad and you went to sit on the leather couch instead of sitting on it fucking greased up pig corpse slipped right down the leather couch to the floor. Yeah, I did. I'm lucky I didn't break my ass. I like how I asked you to put sunblock on my back. You acted like you hated it. And then you put it on for way longer than you needed to. You kept applying more. And it was like, all right, I think you got it.

You're like, yeah, no, a couple more spots. Dude, your back is massive. It's like trying to put fresh ass on a tarmac what are you talking about you loved it no dude it was trying it's like trying to put a fucking tarp over an aircraft i kept putting it i had to keep applying because the first layer was consumed by all the hair your thick thatch of man fur at your lower back for some reason. Only your lower back. No, lower back and upper back. Yeah, there's a real DMZ between your top hair and your bottom hair. Yeah, it's separate. Yeah, that's where the McDonald's is in the Korea of your back.

Yeah, I did slip. Ooh, man. Yeah, I slipped out of that chair. Did not get sunburned. It was one of your classic like, well, here's the reason I'm smarter than you. And then meanwhile, you're too greasy to sit on a chair. I was just sitting there. And I did slide because of the sunblock on my hamstrings.

And then, yeah, very quickly blasted out of the seat onto the hard floor it was so quick it was like someone dropped an ice cream cone that's what it looked like uh and there was just a snail trail of your of your your lotion all over the couch what's tim gonna think when he comes in i cleaned it up oh very good there's been a lot more uh i also got all the hair out of the shower that was nice i mean there's been a lot of white spilt on that couch before it was nice for you to clean it up for once oh yeah that's why i thought i was done with the sunblock and then there was a lot of other stuff that i didn't think was sunblock yeah you thought it was tears but no it was jizz so uh you're not gonna die from covid i don't know dude i don't

think they can kill me whatever uh whatever government entity put this in me nice try you can't take down the shaved panda all right sam squatch ain't going down this easy big river won't be polluted i'm fine yeah oh good when i was sick for the last two days i was i was awake maybe eight hours of the last 48 but emily makes sure to remind me that she's more sick than me and it's my job to take care of her because she's got them. Degrees. Doctorates. Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Doctor tits. Just going in there, working with COVID. Giving it to as many people as she can. Yeah, they call her the Black Widow. She's an angel of mercy. This is how she looks at it. She's getting looked at by Sweden to come over and finish what they started by just taking everybody off of ventilators and putting them on morphine. Yeah, she keeps hitting me up and being like, there's all these jobs for like youth in Asia.

It's like, I don't even want to go to Cambodia. Do do you love that of course it's one of the best jokes ever and i mean everyone's done it but i remember i cracked the code on that when i was like eight and i was like i can do this professionally i remember the first time i realized that i could be a comedian is when that song i'm half the man i used to be came on the radio and i was like this would be a funny song to use in a weight loss parody and then mad tv did it like two weeks later whoa and i was like well that's it it's decided it's written in stone i'm gonna be on mad tv yeah i'm will sasso like no one in my family's big my mom you know she's a big sasso fan maybe they hooked up who

knows a sassalite damn so are you okay what's going on with you you're the one who seems like they have brain fog and all that what do? Well, your eyes are barely open. Your fingers are noticeably sticky. No, no. Yeah, have you been to the Chinese buffet? You're stoned. It's the middle of the day, dude. I smoked weed. Fuck. Are you okay?

Yeah, it feels good. Are you sure? Yeah, man, I'm chilling. It's pretty sick. Does your wife know that you're high? Yeah, it feels good. Are you sure? Yeah, man, I'm chilling. Okay. It's pretty sick. Does your wife know that you're high? Yeah, she gave me the pen. Fuck.

So she's trying to sabotage. She's got me back. She's got me back on the pipe. The hash pipe. Get you back on the goddamn glass dick. The beehive. That's why I'm sticky. I got resin everywhere.

I bet your wife was happy that you didn't have to leave town to go hang out with your road wife, Sam T. King of Ham Mountain. Yeah, she was stoked. She was glad that... I got COVID? She was stoked? Yeah, I mean, yeah. She said, huzzah.

And, yeah, high-fived herself. Well, she does know that you're the only one she's heard log rolling she did the log roll she's like yes now we can get high and log roll throughout town you and i just on downtown trinidad just rolling around oh well london's the weekend off i'm back y'all clear away i'm not going hedgehog on the sidewalk no more i gotta go log uh yeah i went to the triggers game last night unaffiliated unaffiliated pecos league baseball wow they're doing it for the love of the game and 50 bucks a week and a roof over their heads do they have like host families for that team for like everybody is a host family wally we have two we have a shortstop and a center fielder in in the bathroom right now

one's once doing coke can curls the other one's in the shower dude please take in a 37 year old dominican that's what you need in your house you got a mama season you got george michael shitting in the bed that's what people are doing all you need is hector just chopping up onions 24 7 in the kitchen blasted on cuban coffee just painting the bowl Need is Hector just chopping up onions 24-7 in the kitchen. Blasted on Cuban coffee. Just painting the bowl. Don't throw all the butt wipes, huh? All right, well. All right, Hector.

You are batting 230. Go crazy. And you weigh 240. Michael, wait. You are whacking dingers down there in the Pecos League, bringing home the bronze, the triggers. This could be their year. Oh, God. Also, every time I have to.

There was a strikeout or a home run, I guess. They're the triggers. So there would be. That's right. A gunshot. Just cut out. It's like, oh, hell yeah! Sponsored by NRA.com slash triggers.

We're affiliated, all right. Not with the Yankees or the Red Sox, but we do have the NRA. Looking out. It's like, oh, and the bases are packed. And coming to the plate hector gormungo down by three runs they need this one to win it's a three two count you know what that means fans trigger warning bang bang bang there's only two genders they should have nick dipolo come in and do the commentary yeah do a special do a special

on the diamond trigger mound triggered ricky gervais the triggers yeah so the triggers are a baseball team and you hang out with them. They're what? I got high yesterday and walked down there. That's sick, dude. Walked through town, got to see the sights of Trinidad-Colo instead of going to some third-rate Midwestern shithole, St. Louis. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're going to talk about the great gateway to the arch no i was i wouldn't would have liked to have gone yeah you could have had that weird pizza they have with the fake cheese oh yeah what's that what do they call it door would know what is it tell hector to put down your wife and come in and pod uh he's boring dude he's got the same story over and over floated on a raft family gone no hope except through baseball so yeah we get it baseball rules it's a little slow for me i like basketball there's no slam dunks in baseball so strike one this story is so boring it's like was born a guerrilla fighter in the jungles of guatemala yeah uh came over here inside sewed inside of a stuffed leopard

yeah ate his best friend we all have cool stories hector hey hector pass the manzanas all right take a lap uh do you are they gonna let you throw out the first pitch they let kurt throw out the first pitch and he's never thrown anything except for a bottle of the pakistani guy while he was in london kurt threw it out uh whipped it hurt the catcher's hand really no but i out, whipped it, hurt the catcher's hand. Really? No, but I mean, he whipped it. Did he hit the catcher?

Have to get out of the squat position. Yeah, it was outside. How far away was Kurt from the mound? He was on the mound. He was on the mound. Oh, yeah. He went. Creech calls it when she's doing sex with you he went full mount

on the mound yeah he mounted the mound are they going to let you throw out a pitch no I'm nobody what if they did Chubby Behemoth Day at the ballpark I come down yeah we call a game we swear a bunch

we get in trouble Becker drives us onto the field in one of his dad's cars that he took as a bounty. One of his dad's war trophies. No license plates. No law. Yeah, no, I don't know. We could. Yeah, we could take over.

Ask them. There's like 10 games. It'll be next year. Call it Mr. Trigger. It's a shortened season. They're on strike. Yeah, we want 60 bucks a week. This $50 a week is horseshit.

Look, we'll let you live. 60 or else we're gone. Then what do you got? High school sports. Cool. What? There's one good kid. Everybody else sucks.

You got the Trinidad College down there. I went and saw a Juco game once. Oh, yeah. What did you see? I think I saw a junior college game. Girls volleyball. No, I wish. God, I'm on a watch list.

They have my photo posted up at every juco girls volleyball arena i don't let this man come in especially if he has a glove filled with lotion it's not medical it's not a prescribed glove i just have a dish glove filled up with man fucking a glove i knew kids used to bang the glove they called it mjang off there's one glove i knew kids you microwave banana peels listen to this okay listen to this this is uh surprising even to me but uh so you know last weekend we were in austin we flew back we did i well i flew to rhode island you flew home oh you flew to rhode island i flew back to denver i flew to rhode

island to super spread that's right is that like flynn okay no he passed away damn i know he looked healthy but it was a spray tan well Well, he kept telling the doctor, look, the boys are buzzing. Instead, he was pale as hell. Anyway, I jacked it. I jacked it on the drive home. What the fuck? Yeah. Trigger warning.

It's a full count. Whoa, you grand slam. Oh, trigger warning. It's a full count. Oh, you grand slam. Yeah, we've talked about it before. You fucking flew home at seven. Seven a.m. It was early. It was the daytime.

Yeah, it was. Oh, man. What the fuck i slept for like an hour and a half next to you in bed yeah and then could not sleep on the plane i felt crazed i felt weird yeah okay and uh yeah decided jacking it would maybe help or or seal my fate and uh so i went for it just uh yeah you treated yourself uh yeah which was dangerous because i was already sleepy and i was like um is this going to make me even sleepier and ensure of course i'd had a five-hour energy i'd had uh i'd had two actually and i'd had hours of energy of course coffee so yeah i was i was barely hanging on and uh yeah i figured give it a give it a shot maybe maybe maybe it's the reason i didn't fall asleep he had invigorated you yeah i, I got a little extra burst.

It gave you a primal adrenaline knowing you were being bad behind the wheel. It's the closest you've come to drunk driving in a long time. You fucking road jacked before noon on a Sunday. Yeah, it was a Sunday. What? Where? On I-25? Yeah, that's all it is.

That's all the drive is what do you mean i was outside of pueblo i don't know if you took like 287 or some fun route you were on the main vein draining your main vein yeah in the right lane were you in the left lane i was passing. I was. Well, I didn't want. I didn't like the idea of going in the right lane and having people pass me on the left. Everyone can see you if you're jacking in the right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm on the left.

I don't know. I mean, it's not like I was cranking with it out. And so everybody could see it as I passed. Where was it i was like pausing while passing because i want to god forbid i fucking cause a car wreck and i'm wearing basketball shorts so i'm still you know it's obvious that i'm hard it's like what the fuck did you cause this car wreck uh to get off it's like no opposite and the adrenaline the adrenaline's pumping yeah that's so gnarly yeah this is the most alpha move you've ever made no no the days low-t lunder over no you're the dog now man it was uh yeah it felt like something i needed to do cross it all right cross off the fuck it list

what time did this happen well it was around noon whoa before. Before. Because, yeah, I had the flight delay. So 10, 30. Yeah, it was around noon. I don't know. The sun on the Sabbath on God's day. Sun couldn't see me through the roof of the car. So I figured I was safe. You committed the ultimate sin of gluttony.

It was that or get fucking Carl's Jr. And I went know the healthier option well that is true i'm glad you're looking out for yourself and also it's fun it's so thrilling it's so annoying that you are uh trying to eat healthy every time i see you it's been the one drawback of uh our weekends together is that you're trying to it seems like you're joking my ass you're like trolling me being like one veggie burger please hold the bun instead of buns i'll have push-ups it's like shut up yeah i mean luckily you're eating for two of us it's like you're pregnant with my child i protect you at all costs i mean whatever she wants it's fine it's my baby in there uh god i don't uh i okay just let's let's let's walk through this a little bit

slower you're on the highway what mile mark are you are you south of castle rock keep it moving i told you i was outside of pueblo okay so it's pretty much pueblo so that's like a no man's land there's no one it is i went through the springs right and i thought uh of the girls in their pretty sunday dresses no i just uh god it was an act of desperation i wasn't patting myself on the back by patting myself on the front no it was deprived deranged because like i said i couldn't sleep on the damn plane i didn't wear my mask on the plane whoa i took it off because i felt so uncomfortable i don't know why i guess just creepy crawlies from fucking not sleeping enough the night before with you too much giggling uh

slept for like 40 minutes it turns you into a psycho oh i hated it too but yeah could not uh fitful sleeping on the plane there was nobody next to me i should have been able to stretch out and freaking whack it on the plane you stretched out you were wearing basketball shorts so you went under the leg now over over the shorts over the shorts oh no you cream-pied your own thigh oh dude that's so gnarly yeah i mean there was there was a napkin involved there's some hand sanitizer i wasn't i didn't just blast like a freaking like i robbed a bank and then the blue paint dye job just exploded the car it was a controlled blast it was a controlled demolition like 2007 it imploded oh my god dude that is the worst part of carjacking is what do i do with the best because like usually when you just you know usually you know treat yourself have a little

have a little fun on your own you have some cleanup plan right away whether it's a towel or a crayon when you're in the car god you sober up immediately because there's jizz all over the steering wheel oh fuck what have i done where am i you come so i knew yeah i knew i was gonna just keep it in house and then clean up but yeah i couldn't do both i couldn't like have i don't know maybe i could have but i didn't want to wreck the car that was that was that was the main concern jack and it was secondary and so so your peen was never exposed to the sunlight no you did it vampire style yeah i kept it hidden i kept it shrouded in mystery interesting because every time i've done it it's been in parker colorado most times driving home blue balled from a girl's house shout out shout out uh this one against the steering i wasn't 40 like you were i wasn't 40 coming home from a big week of work in austin

feeling myself i had four good shows and i fucking persevered for the fifth i'm the king sam should be featuring for me and then you saw like a cool looking horse and you're like, yes, that's a sign. You have 10 hours worth of energy. You have a half day of energy coursing through your veins. You're wearing your best and ones. And yes, you know what? I earned this. Truckers are fucking honking the horn.

Yeah, they they radioed ahead so that everybody got out of my way convoy breaker breaker we got three and a half going 75 miles per hour in the left lane he's coming through he looks like a fucking critter. Everyone clear out. Let's make way for Big White. Some truckers listen to Chubby Behemoth.

He sees you whacking. He's like, well, that's all I need. Gunshot. He blows his head off oh good for you pal that is big news well yeah and i've had to i've had to sit on it because you know who else am i gonna tell that's your sexual awakening this is your new pro-sex revolution no no that's your once a month yeah exactly that's you uh tapping the maple so the sap comes out so you can keep getting syrup did you tell right yeah it's a health thing no i don't think i did you need to go tell her right

now tell her live on the pod no no call her into the room be like hey i've been keeping a secret from you for a week wouldn't care it's like oh good well at least it wasn't in the house thanks for not making it my problem that's right do you think do you honestly think she would say oh good like she wouldn't give a shit there wouldn't be a little bit of like good god what have i married uh no i don't think so if i told emily she'd be like we need to leave the house we've been together a while and so i don't think so if i told emily she'd be like we need to leave the house we've been together a while and so i don't think she would be like who is this like i don't know who you are anymore was this wad this is not so like i've let myself go uh it's always been some variation of

this damn dude well i mean that's what happens when you're in Austin. We're in the fucking heart of Texas. You get the vapors. You get a little bit more gunpowder in your tea. So I respect it, man. I'm happy for you. I'm glad you masturbated while operating a vehicle on a highway. I did.

You're gross. No way. You've done way dumber grosser weirder things i've only done it at night too i can't believe you did it while the sky was bad shit the bed man you shit your own bed because i was living so hard shit your own neck look man life is a near-death experience all right oh yeah put that on a coffee mug so i was reading i'm reading this book of essays by jim harrison uh the midwestern poet laureate it's all about food and wine and dining and travel and he has all these like very like beautiful like you know uh just fucking sparkling translucent just like very clear like diamond-esque prose just like rock hard words and it's like oh this

rocks and then every now and then he'll say some fucking like big dogs t-shirt level philosophy we're like oh this might be the smartest man alive i admire him so much and then he says but as we all know life is a near-death experience and that's the last sentence in the essay and you're like oh fuck you're just a retard okay well geez i thought you had that covet had taken you know the the frontal lobe because you kept saying it as if it was fucking kick ass and i was like oh no his fever is at 105 and emily is too uh dazed and out of it to to read the thermometer correctly yeah you're just you're just gonna

melt your brain yeah emmy thinks it's 501s like i bought new pants it's like yeah it's cool i've always wanted to see him in dungarees no it's just funny to think of this guy who's like on the bleeding edge of you know all this cool shit you know he's like drinking wine on robespierre's grave like all this sick shit and then he'll be like, but as we all know, the sun rises. Life is a highway. Yeah.

And I'm gonna ride it. I'm gonna ride that shit all night long. And it's like, yeah, that's basically the Tom Cochran lyric. Yeah. You swore. He barely changed it. Basically, the Tom Conklin lyric. Yeah. You swore. Yeah. He barely changed it.

Gritified it. Yeah. Yeah. So Jim Harrison rules. Shout out Jim Harrison. I've been reading Jim Morrison's poems. No wonder you jerked it. No wonder you car jerked.

The leopard. The leopard travels alone. Knock twice on the pipe. If the answer is no, it's like, Jesus. I don't like Jim Morrison. I think the doors suck. Yeah, everybody does, but they're actually pretty cool. No, they're a great elevator band.

They're America's best elevator band ever yeah have you ever heard my impression of ray manzarek from now let's see the doors let me see it so this is ray manzarek the uh piano player i know maybe it's guitar player i can't remember no manzarek was on the moog he was on the keys he was on the moog synthesizer okay so i'll be ray manzeric and you'd be uh anyone so ask me any question doesn't have to be about music can be about anything and i'll be ray manzeric answering as ray manzeric ray what do you got planned uh for the weekend first weekend of summer you know plans that's a funny word. You know, my friend Jim Morrison. He always drops Morrison.

I was in the doors with Jim Morrison. It was a band. He always used to say about plans, he said, they're fickle like leaves on the breath of the wind. That's what Jim Morrison would say to me, Ray Manzarek, when we were in the doors. He was my friend, Jim Morrison. Nice nice you want to ask me another question i can answer as jim morrison's friend ray manzarek i think i get it but if you want yeah uh any thoughts on the upcoming city council election ray you know politics are funny uh and no one really summed it up better than my best friend and

godfather of my son jim morrison jr jim morrison from the doors a little rock band little rock outfit he was a poet he was a snake he was everything all at once nothing all at once yeah he always used to say politicking time bomb that's what he would say i miss him every day jim morris voters in the booth yeah all right well i thought everybody liked ray uh his playing and then kind of shit on everybody else and i was like well yeah well jim was just mostly coasting on pure sex you know uh he was whipping it out in the van oh he's whipping it out in the van he's jacking it out yeah he wasn't even flying solo he's just jacking well he had those strong fingers from playing the moog he was setting the mood i was talking about jim i was saying jim was jacking

it in the van oh yeah he fucking hung hog he committed a numerous sexual assaults all the time and people were like he's so driven he's a poet i don't care if she was 15 ray's fucking covering shit up like a fixer he was they should have called him ray donovan because he was hiding more bodies than uh you know the idf damn hey man i still got it just because i'm fucking your back. I'm cored out from COVID. You can't stop me. Did you have diarrhea? Did I? You never said you were like, you said that it was fucking you up. I didn't know if you meant sleeping like fever or if you had like, yeah, vomit out of your dick. You know, when I think of vomiting out of my dick, I think of my best friend, Jim Morrison, you know when i think of vomiting out of my dick i think of my best friend jim morrison

who was in the doors with me from uh rayman zarek was cool he was like uh who was the guy you know it's kind of cool he played the keys for the doors you know what i mean yeah jim morrison let me in yeah nice dude he was also an ex i think that he was an x in the later years for a bit i think he played keys and x for a bit whoa yeah he was like pat smear like he just like fucking kept falling ass backwards into the next big band every five or ten years he wanted to call that band the x rays and they were like we're just x he's like yeah but now you got ray hey remember we were going to talk about danzig in the studio we forgot that was that was the big week that we that we that we almost forgot about i jacked it in the car yeah and then danzig in the studio it's like well it was the song bullet you know

it was the first song i thought to put on when we got in the car yeah because it's all about texas why do you even think about that i just i just knew it was funny like how hard he goes well yeah and so i put it on jerry only and uh you know doyle von frankenstein are like you know they just cut their tracks and ripped it's like all right time to rip these vocals fellas and they're like oh you got some lyrics for that new tune he's like i think so i think i got i at least got the first half figured out yeah the, the second half will come as I lay down the first half. I think I'm just going to freestyle a little bit. The first half will inform the second half.

Yeah, they're like, hey, whatever, Danzig, we trust you. I'm walking in here. You know, there's two fucking giant spies. They're swollen guiguos to the max. So Danzig goes in the booth. swollen guigos to the max so dancing goes in the booth and he's like president's bullet-ridden body in the street ride johnny ride kennedy's shattered head it's concrete ride johnny ride and they're like oh hell yeah dude jesus dude fuck yeah they're like fuck this is punk rock, dude. Yeah.

He's been dead for fucking 15 years. It's about time someone sang about it. No, it had been like eight, nine years or something. No, I think that song came out in like 80, 81. No, no, it was like 74, 75. Because I

remarked on it. Yeah, it was like eight on it yeah it was like it was i mean eight years you know it's not like it was six months later but it hadn't been that long it might have been when it was like 75 76 i think that the they were still doing that weird like uh they had like a piano in the band still yeah ray yeah ray in the Misfits for a while. Bad Ray. Before he went into X. Ray bounced around. Yeah. So, yeah, they're like, oh, man. He's a hired gun.

You're really speaking truth to power, Zig. Keep it up. So then, ride, Jackie O. Jonathan of Kennedy will rise and be shot down. So there's going to be your desert. And they're like, oh, yeah, this can't ever get bad. And then he's like, my cum be your life source. And the only way to get it is to suck or fuck.

And they're like, hold on a minute. What? Masturbate me. Masturbate me. Slurp it from my palm. Slurp it from your palm. Yeah. My cum be your life source like okay you know what it's your money zig you're right in the studio let's let's yeah let's keep the first part as is and we'll try to workshop the second half and see if we can't uh punch it up no way no way i'm i'm one take zig

i'm one take danzig you know how you know my rules it's funny to think of like jerry and doyle being like oh yeah like nodding along and then the only way to get it is to suck oh fuck like oh oh hey oh come on zig hey oh macaroni gabagool yeah he was uh he was on one oh man yeah that was cracking us up in the car that was the start to the weekend yeah yeah that started off real good and the end of the weekend was me feeding you chicken tumors did we talk about that on the pot did we no because we didn't record after uh jay and the b oh yeah we did we oh yeah i was feeding you you fed you when you said

something funny or poignant i would give you a big lump of popcorn chicken and when you were rude or nasty i'd give you a little lump yeah and you kept making me stop at closed gas station uh stores knowing that we had a 7-eleven at the end of the at the end of the road? Yeah, I didn't know. I forgot. Oh, okay. That wasn't a fucking psychosexual power move. That wasn't Danzig in the booth. You were fucking me. No, I wasn't. You took my life force.

You're like, pull over here, and I'm going to suck and suck it. Fuck. No, Jesus. Sam, come on. Just go get some smokes. Stop riffing. I'm going to grip it. I'm going to suck it.

It's like it's not Jackie's fault. She was very patient woman. She held her husband's head together. No. Yeah. I just want to say Austin was very fun. We had a good time. Shout out Joey Z for coming down and for someone for giving us joints.

That was cool. We saw Willie Montgomery. Willie Gummy. Wet Willie. coming down and for someone for giving us joints that was cool we saw willie montgomery willie gummy wet willie he's all fucking sober and skinny and very red uh ari shafir you know still jewish go see him record his special july or june 11th and 12th in brooklyn uh going long yeah it's called i'm doing an hour 45. It's called The 9 O'Clock Show Be Damned. Ari Shafir, live in Brooklyn. It's called Taking Over the Weekend. Dude, what a class move. He sits down.

He has me do 15 minutes up top and breaks me off 250. 250 bones, cash in my pocket. Oh, yeah. And then you gave it to me. I gave it directly to you because I take care of you better than anyone else ever has kissed me on the cheek said here you go buddy don't eat it all i had swallowed a 50 and a 20 yeah i'm with you whoops and then uh you came home and road jacked and i went out to rhode island and uh yeah that was a blast dude saw sam ike he's insane i talk so much shit on the celtics and I'm pretty sure they're going to win in four.

God, well, yeah, that game one. I bet the exact opposite. And of course, was furious. Lost like $40. Like every time I'm like, oh, yeah, I'll do several big bets. I'll go hard and I'll get back like most of what I've lost in previous games. And it's like, nope. Wrong again. Lost before. Wrong again, little boy. like most of what i've lost yeah in previous games and it's like nope wrong again lost before

wrong again little boy let me get that 40 yeah i totally have my own a on that one uh oh yeah what was the deal with the festival being on a hot monday tuesday john was that the deal uh it was a holiday, dog. Yeah. Monday was a holiday, which you don't observe because you don't believe in the troops. I don't think any troops have actually died. They've just been secreted away. You think that every past war veteran is a false flag? Yeah.

Anybody missing a limb? That wasn't an IED. That was CGI. Yeah. Well, that's a bold stance that lund said everyone not me known known backer of the blue st you shook yeah we walked down uh near sixth street and you shook the hands of every cop that was doing literally nothing except for ogling whoever flew by on a lime scooter yeah i had a bunch of crab apples to feed the horses thank you so much for thank you so very much for keeping us safe yeah it's

like hey i wouldn't rush into that building either all right there's a bunch of bullets flying what are you crazy come on i'm with you guys you guys rock you look cool you look like ninja turtles keep it up fellas no neck stay out of the schools that's not your issue big old hump on your back yeah that's the fucking principal's deal you know you don't anyway keep it up guys keep us safe out here yeah dude i love the blue playing grab ass yeah sixth dude six street what a fucking meat market i i almost pulled a fucking lun south of pueblo on sixth street no north of pueblo that was north of pueblo they said it was south of pueblo nope just outside of pueblo but i was i was north you did it between the Springs and Pueblo, America's most sacred cities. I had another hour to go, and I thought, if I jack it, I might make it home safely.

It was a public safety thing. It wasn't selfish. It was a public sex crime is what it was. It was pubic safety. You gummed up your works. No, that one. I thought I need my brain to focus and it's not going to focus with a bunch of baby powder because I just powder. Oh, yeah.

I forgot. It comes soft and so it comes out dry. Yeah, you're like a jellyfish. You blow chalk, just grains of sand. That's right. Dude, how tasty were the morsels cruising up and down sixth street bruh did you peep any of that sweet cheek meat like i did no i wasn't looking up i was looking down to make sure we didn't step in party vomit because there was

there's puke everywhere did you notice oh there's human shit and puke dude it was pretty gnarly down there it's like the old west you're too busy going yeah i was too busy looking over the top of my sunglasses and sticking my tongue out at 19 year olds yeah you were shaking your tail feather yeah i was too busy going your balls were coming out of your shorts yeah i was too busy rolling my tongue back into my mouth after it fell to the floor. But yeah, no, I had my head down.

So I didn't ruin my white Adidas. Dude. I'm just saying there was some, there was some attractive young people out and about out there in Austin, Texas. Keep it up. Yeah. Great.

Fun to visit. I can't imagine that life anymore being young and just getting blasted and just almost certainly dying due to a scooter because people they'll just be like oh red light and slam on the brakes and go over you know they ghost ride it and start running alongside it it's like you're gonna get smashed for sure i don't understand it or you're gonna smash your head you're gonna fall because you're blackout drunk well we were walking from that one that show we did early on saturday that uh really great show that i'm glad we did yeah you rocked you came soft i went up there and picked up the mess

oh yeah i had paper towels to clean up your jizz you always lie and say that you buried me you were bombing and then came like oh god the only the only way it could be worse all you're trying to do is just finish your seven minute set so you can go do another set because this was a swing and a miss and then you just you just jizz what the well you guys have had enough of me man there's no way this could possibly get oh yeah i have i have stickers for the to send to the patrons uh from the riot where we had fun in houston and then from the speakeasy where it was a nightmare oh yeah oh yeah of course we'll

do this free show who cares we're three blocks away from it why wouldn't we and the sun's up at 7 p.m there's a bachelorette party up front who look like if they stay for the whole show they'll get the ninth member of their party back it was like someone was being held ransom and they had to stick it out to get her back actually uh they were pretty cool no they were just uh they they was funny because they weren't uh loud and unruly they were young and sitting up front it was like oh great they're gonna make it about them they actually didn't but they were also pretty quiet they couldn't connect with you they were looking at your bruised thighs and they were like oh god

they hated me he got mocked yeah he can't go to the cops he loves he loves the cops so much he doesn't want to bother them he doesn't want to waste their time yeah uh but he definitely got jumped uh no they uh yeah they were surprisingly quiet but yeah that was a nightmare room the bartender was heckling the bartender thought he was like helping that's what you want he's like that guy fucking casey that lives here he's like i was i was yelling random shit from the back of the room to get the laughs going from the back to the front yeah he was ed mcmannigan to have a circle pit of laughter back meets front front meets back there's just a circle pit of laughing at two different people talking at the same time.

It's perfect. But yeah, the bartender was like, oh, this is definitely about me as well. I should definitely get my shit in instead of making a $14 margarita. Yeah. Instead of opening up a $17 Amstel light. Yeah. Airport prices downtown. It's so convenient.

It was bad but me and willie were walking from that show while you were hanging out with your new buddy and uh yeah i got to meet the edgiest motherfucker of all time he's changing the game by saying women suck and being gay is gay yeah i mean he's not always wrong but uh me and william were walking over to the vulcan which was packed in like one of the best shows i've ever done i walked directly into the vulcan went on stage it's fucking heaving with people crushed it was great but we were walking willie you know william montgomery he's like so it's really fun to be down here i just love walking around and being sober and drinking water hey sam look over there and there was just like a fucking 17 year old throwing up oh and her shirt came off

right yeah yo that was the one he said that some girl was vomiting and her tit popped out and we i wasn't there for that uh okay yeah he he was uh he kept that in the frontal lobe those are my two favorite that's my world's colliding like you know a girl throwing up and a hooter in the wild bury me here this is my wounded knee but yeah austin ruled uh dude rhode island newport rhode island what a fucking special place that is holy shit so you did the festival is sunday and monday or what yeah so i headlined the uh the eight o'clock show uh on sunday we sold that out that ruled then the 10 o'clock show i just they just threw me on and uh i gotta do a fun little set before uh ian laura he rules shout out ian our moms died like a week apart we bonded over that and uh and the next day you know i was up late i was up late

tying it on tight talking all these new york comics through their relationship woes just yelling at them some guy was like i like faulkner and i was like well i do too and i don't remember but alec flim was like yeah i went to bed after you were screaming about uh how much you love faulkner while also rocking the refrigerator like i guess i was like shoving the refrigerator shaking it like maybe like a coke can was gonna come out like it stole my money and i wanted my fucking cheetos you were doing yeah that's what i knew you'd had enough you're doing sumo sumo exhibition yeah i was throwing rice in the fridge and squatting um that's what they do that's not racist they didn't rest the ring with rice yeah and the next day we went to the old beach hopped

in the fucking water it was perfect a good way to get rid of a hangover, some red tide. And then me and Alec had muscles. I had a nice meal with Alec Flynn. He didn't biff it. He was great. Shout out, Alec. Thank you for not making me look bad. But we went and we had muscles at this beachside bar. And there was this guy from London.

And Alec was like, hey, from London, I'm going over there in a week. And the guy was like, you don't want to go to London, mate. You want to stay away from London. It's not like when I grew up, it's full of the Pakistanis. It's nothing like I knew. You want to stay out of there. You want to go to Oxford. All right.

Just stay out of London. It's fucking third world, mate. It's a bunch of curry. And Alec was like, oh, damn, dude, you're going for it. That's your opener. It's 430 in the afternoon and you're Pakistani bashing. Whoa, sick. I've never seen this in the wild so that was fun was he older younger uh i mean dude he was old enough to know better i mean he was wearing a tracksuit top to bottom when it's like oh you want to stay out of there you know appropriating rick culture if you know what i mean that's their culture it's not

for us you know blokes like us it's not for guys who rock uh-uh so yeah that was embarrassing damn yeah there's a there's a rest stop that i often pee and dump at an hour outside of uh trinidad and it has a container that says sharps only and you just made me think of of a bunch of little skinheads against racial prejudice in this little box it's it's needles and then these little guys that aren't racist but they look like they hate uh pakistanis well dude fucking speaking of goddamn needles that providence airport either everyone has diabetes or it's free fentanyl after four because it's just fucking needle city usa what do you mean they're they're spilling out of the top oh dude i went into the bathroom and i opened two stalls and there's just

like a there was one stall had three needles on the top of the toilet as if someone you know it was the first time ever blasting off and the next one there was a needle in the toilet and i was like i'm just gonna hold this in i'm gonna savor the flavor i'm gonna take this back to the old school sam t days of holding it in for an hour and a half until it solidifies and my sister embarrasses me at someone's funeral go to the bathroom sam that's what i was saying in my head damn but you couldn't i thought you held it all you wanted and that was a fucking plane turd because i can't go on the on the on the plane because it will uh

you know crash if i sit down in an airplane bathroom it just starts going nose up and then end over that's right it's a death spiral i go into the bathroom and the stewardess is like you know the rules what are you doing reverse hedgehogging just backwards somersaults because you plop down he's like if i hear the drawstring come undone on those shorts i'm calling the air marshal he's coming in with a gun there's just all four of the flight flight attendants trying to hold you back like god damn it you can't be you can't be back here it'll ruin all of us like i have to go yeah it's like we knew it was bad when you saw you come on the plane holding that leader of chile that's not the terrorism uh lund where can the people find you

at home all right walk in the streets of trinidad i was getting whistled at i was getting the drug whistle a couple days ago you know when uh i left work at the bar. It's usually empty streets, maybe a raccoon, maybe a stray cat that I get to talk to. But this time I get the guy that I don't know if that's when you're looking or when you're holding, but either way, this guy just kept whistling. And it was like, Jesus, dude, the only, the only cars that are going by are sheriffs and highway patrol and the local, the local red and blue.

Well, it also could have been an indigenous south of the border language because there's a lot of tonal whistling going on in non-Spanish speaking Mexicans. No, this was not a freaking ceremony, dude. This was a guy. It's not a ceremony. Literally, that's how they communicate. If they don't speak Spanish, there's a lot of whistling languages down there. Well, this guy wasn't whistling for me you know to dump him out and uh it was funny to me that he just kept going for it as if i'd be like oh yeah uh are you the

guy that just whistled nine times at me yeah let me break you some of this fish scale off the cake well you can find me guys in Chicago, June 10th, the Lincoln lodge. I'll be out there. And then the next night, Davis in Michigan, I'll be up there at the fundraiser at St.

John's parish hall. The next Wednesday, June 15th. I'm at comedy works. You want to come up and feature that or what? No. Okay. Well,

I'll be at comedy works and lum won't be there to waste all your time with his great whistling anecdotes june 15th comedy works downtown let's sell that shit out i'm gonna have no on the show so you guys got someone to hate before i get up there yeah two minutes of hate for noah two minutes of hate just drown out every word with your with your uh grunts and groans the 17th i am in rapid city south dakota at the black hills comedy festival and then wednesday june 22nd helium portland let's move some tickies up there y'all i haven't been to portland fucking four years every time i've been going up there the show got canceled siren theater you owe me 400 bucks so whoa read the fine print uh salem uh salem oregon infinity room and then savage henry i'm going up there to uh pull some fucking ticks off of chris durant's back i'll be

up there the last weekend of june let's party a lot of whistling in your rico who's got who's got a little paint can for me let me get a little gold paint out yeah uh are we is this a patreon i think so yeah okay cool well thank you for supporting the patreon y'all we love you uh i'm a little guiguo, short and stout. Here's my love handles. Here is my snout. When I get all guede up, hear me go out. My feet hurt because I have gout.