Chubby Behemoth - Decommissioned Lake

Episode Date: July 15, 2021

3 Part Heckle. Tooth Clenched Mouth Breather. Chainsaw To A River.   Christie Buchele and Caleb Synan are here. Calab has an album coming out tonight "Funny For A Man"   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Extra episodes at https://www.patreon.com/chubbybehemoth

Hey, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Chubby Behemoth. It's a podcast. It's dumb as hell. No Sam this week. This is just Lond. Last week, he got Sam with some great comics. I haven't listened to the episode. I'm not a fan of the podcast. But last week, he got Sam with a bunch of great comics. This week, I get to turn the tables, do my own little best friend roundtable. I got Caleb Sinan and Christy Buechler.

Oh, hi. Hell yeah. Who are the comics Sam had? Rena Kahn, Aaron, Aaron Naylor. Fuck him. Michael Keefe.

Fuck that piece of shit. Yeah. Do we curse? Oh, yeah. A lot of people ask if they can curse on podcast. Oh, yeah. People love swear words.

I would never tell a comic that they could not curse. We're adults. I don't do comedy for children. They don't have any money. And their t-shirt sizes are, you know, you're just going to have a bunch of them in your car if you get a bunch of kid sizes. Actually, I shouldn't say that.

I've sold some kid shirts recently with my face on them. Thanks to Nicole McCormick. You remember Nicole, Chrissy? Nicole and Benams out in kansas city she uh does graphic design and she made a shirt for her uh son ted who is uh four when i went through there last uh yeah last year and then she did another one when i went through there a couple months ago and uh once that picture was on the internet a couple of my friends with kids were like, hey, I want one of those shirts. So I don't know.

People wanted Pussy Bros shirts for their kids. For the kids? Wow. They probably wouldn't want the words on it, but just the cats. Just cats. They just want those cats. Those are pretty good if you just like cats. Right.

A lot of people like that shirt just for that reason. This is the earliest merch pitch I've ever heard. Oh, yeah. We did the plugs up pitch I've ever heard. Oh yeah, we did the plugs up front and really threw out. I mean, God, yeah, this is not just a... I mean, this is a free episode, but we're driving people to the Patreon

episodes and to the merch websites, yeah. That's what my dad always said, there's no such thing as a free episode. Oh yeah? Yeah, you're getting something. Time share. He sold vacuum cleaners, is that right yeah the dust devil himself

I think they call him I just wore my pussy bro shirt down here to work at the dad lounge sure

and a guy liked it a lot and said a buddy of his would be a fan of that shirt and I told him there might still be some online right um

yep yeah no you could just hit me up though and I'll take it I'll tell him to hit me up okay I have all of them I need a new one that one is uh stretched out faded as hell I wore I've worn that thing to death don't talk about our merch like that I stretched it out it's quality product it'll last a lifetime. Don't listen to Lund. Well, it would last if you wore it, you know, once every two weeks like a regular person. I've worn it three out of seven days a week for the last eight years. You do wear, like, you have, like, a solid rotation.

Yeah, I keep it like a video game character where there's, like, four options of outfits. Years at a time. And I'm in a 2XL phase. So a lot of my shirts now are newer but they're 2xls i can't go back to the single xls and pussy bros was a 2xl shirt oh gotcha uh but yeah i'll keep that in mind we're down here in trinidad we're with uh becker you eat anything weird lately becker the people love to hear about anything weird uh amounts or types of food anything out of the ordinary for a regular person uh yeah i had i i didn't think i did and then i thought about it on saturday i think i had like 18 kid cat bars that's what i'm talking about yeah that is yeah

that is uh that's uh best Halloween ever for a kid, you know? A kid whose parents just died and the grandparents are like, yeah, I guess eat it

all tonight. They were key lime pie flavors? What? What? They're really good. There's a couple more in my freezer

if you guys want one. Did you do them all in a row or just like throughout the day? It was pretty much all in a row. One.

Pie, pie, what? Twix? Kit Kat bar. Kit Kat. Oh my god. I didn't know they were, I thought there was just

white chocolate and then original, but they're getting crazy. Yeah, they have seasonal ones. They're good with some of those Japanese flavors. Key Lime is a good fucking pie, dude.

I get it. That's a great flavored chocolate. Yeah, Kit Kat. So there's like a graham cracker wafer in there? Yeah. Yeah, it hits. Shit.

Alright, we're going to end this episode early. This was a good one, but we've got to eat some Kit Kats. But other than that, no. I've been eating a lot of that HelloFresh stuff. Man, nobody wants to hear that unless you've got two boxes at a time. Nope. Just plowing through.

One box. Okay. Becker, coming back down to earth. Yep. It's cheaper. I can't afford to eat a box of Gushers every day. Yeah, well, once a week for the pod would be great. Until the movie opens, and then I'm back.

Oh, yeah. Are you guys going to do Tasty Cakes down here? I hope so. Yeah, those are good. East Coast, kind of, and then I know they kind of want, you don't have them in Denver anymore, right? No, the supplier quit carrying them, but I have different suppliers down here, and I think they do carry them,

because Matt's excited that I'll be able to ship them up to him. Perfect. This is great for the pod, guys. Oh, yeah, why don't you get in there? Kit Kats, T-shirts. Yeah. How's your podcast going? It's just hopping from commercial to commercial, essentially,

but in very natural conversation. It's honestly a very good... Speaking of natural... I was just thinking about my Raycon headphones, how they fit in my ears so snug. That's what I was thinking about. Crisp, clear pornography blasting you. I don't know if you're like me, but when I discovered porn, it was through scrambled porn on TV. So I'm more auditory than

I gotta hear the sex as opposed to just seeing it I don't know if I could get off if I muted a porno scene yeah, it wouldn't be enough I bet you could let's save it for a Patreon episode I bet he'll fight it away

those are the real freaks but yeah, we're down here in Trinidad we had a show last night where we made fun of on episode one. I bet he'll fight it away. Those are the real freaks. But yeah, we're down here in Trinidad. We had a show last night where we made fun of a terrible Western film. Trinity and Sartana. Yeah, that was an unnecessary movie. Becker, you did not come. That's fine.

I genuinely thought it was tonight. Well, tonight we have a show as well. At the Dad Lounge. But it's not the movie one? No. That was last night. I thought the movie one was tonight. Well, I promoted the a show as well. Okay. At the Dad Lounge. But it's not the movie one? No. That was last night. I thought the movie one was tonight. Well, I promoted the hell out of it.

I thought I was clear in my delineation. You tagged yourself in my posts. Christy, you tagged yourself in my posts. Yeah. So that's kind of helpful. I shared it on Instagram. And then you shared my story. Trinidad is not an Instagram town

But I do appreciate any help That you could put out there It's a good point My Instagram story always shares To my Facebook story But people don't look at Facebook stories I don't think I've ever clicked on a Facebook story Yeah

I'm like why would I Yeah tonight we're doing a regular stand-up comedy joke show. At the dad. At the dad lounge. Hell yeah. So hopefully that'll be good. I'm a little worried

that there's going to be some, I feel like the people down here don't know much about comedy etiquette, so they're just going to immediately try to talk to me and like respond to shit. Right. And I'm going to have to be mean.

And I don't like doing that. And the last time I was mean on stage, I took a pint glass to the head. Oh, yeah, I loved getting hit in the head and threatened with hospitalization. That's what we live for. From a tiny Latino man. That's what makes comedy exciting. I mean, yeah, that's what you're looking to antagonize and get physical with people. I love getting People mad.

I wasn't trying to do that, but this guy was fired up. So we'll see what happens tonight. I think it'll be good. I think it'll be fun. But yeah, I'm a little worried. I'm going to have to tell people, look, this is not a debate.

This is not the Oprah Winfrey show. This is not Ricky Lake. I love to talk. Where we go to the crowd and interact As long as they're talking to me And not over me I can usually play with it So I'm not too worried about it

It's more when people are talking to each other At the bar or something And they're not I get ADHD really bad On stage when it comes to sound I'm also auditory in certain ways and I'm super sensitive. With your scrambled corn? Yeah, when there is

noise, that's like a small conversation or when the waitress is ordering. I could handle it visually if it's happening, but when I can hear it, it really fucks me up with my jokes.

And let me tell you, comics are some of the worst about it. You'll be in a room. I'll be facing forward watching a show, beer in my hand, and then a comic will come up and be like, just as loud as this, just be like, yeah, so where are you going after this? And I'm like, you would never do this in a movie theater. The comedian is 15 feet from us. Like, how are you?

I, cause I, when I'm on stage, if I hear anything, I can hear comedians talking to you. Next bar. Right. It's like,

we don't have to talk. Oh, it's crazy. I just, he's like, we don't have to listen. We're, we're comics,

so we can. Right. And he can't hear us. Your voice still goes into the air. It's still sound waves. It sure does. Like like you get into the show for free because you're a comic so you think no laws in the universe apply uh money physics particles i'm just i don't matter yes all of it yeah it's a weird move some comedians even walk

through a bar like they work there they'll like just move people with their arms and be like yeah yeah out of my way and i'm just like you don't work you don't get to move like you're the owner oh yeah i miss brent gill was that brent you were talking about it's everyone everyone and also me i do all those things we uh yeah i just did brent's show at the rayback collective in boulder it was fun uh huge gigantic once he went to get food from a food truck and these three just typical boulder people like probably 50s probably wealthy just standing in front of the food truck uh not ordering you know and the and the the lady working the food truck is waiting for them to turn around and order, and they're just gabbing.

They were like comics at a comedy show. Just acting like, you know, eventually they're going to look at the menu. It was infuriating. I wanted some fucking food. Oh, that's horrible. And they're just looking at each other, talking about, you know, whatever Airbnb rentals they've got, racking up passive income for their asses. So they can put their son through

CU's art program or whatever. It was fucking annoying. I wanted to blast them. Whoa, like with a gun? No, no, verbally. All my blasting is verbal and occasionally finger related. But otherwise, no gun violence.

God, there's enough of that going on. I got so mad. I was trying to rent a car, and there was this lady in front of me, and she had a little toddler, and the toddler was just being a little piece of shit. And so she got out the iPad and sits on the floor in front of me in line. And there's like 100 people in this line. It's like the biggest line I've ever seen. And she just opens up an iPad and starts playing a kid's show.

We're in line for an hour. So the people keep moving up in front of her there's like 30 feet of empty space oh and they have those covid six feet and so she's just sitting there sitting on the floor with her top watching it and the credits are going she hasn't moved she's just sitting there and i'm behind her like what what what is it rude? How rude will it be when I go, the show's over? Like, you watched a whole half hour of this. You're not plugged into the wall. Right. You could take that. That's a mobile iPad.

Right. You could hold it in front of her little face. But, oh, man, it just kept going. And everybody behind me is, like, wanting me to say something. Mad at you. Because I haven't said. Because you didn't. You're not,'re not just cutting, going around her. Right.

But I'm just like, what are her rights? Shoving her in the back. Yeah. That's not what it's going to call it, a Brink Gill. So I snapped that iPad in two. I poured a beer on her head. I'm a comedian. I can do anything.

I'm a comedian I can do anything so yeah eventually did you kick that kid or I think I just kept moving I just slowly moved forward until I think she started packing up I think she was just like

I was just walking straight and I think at some point I would have run into her and her kid but I was just walking really slow and then she eventually realized it's the credits, come on you don't have to watch all the credits well if you respect the cast and crew

I don't you're in the biz we'll hire someone else last week at a show I was hosting it was my show and there was these blonde women who were very drunk and they were one of the they were like those helpful hecklers but they were just like yeah every like i'm just like oh i'm disabled and they're like

you can't even tell yeah yeah that kind of thing so, yeah, yeah, that kind of thing. Like, what? Come on. Nuh-uh. Yeah, and it was just like, oh, it's so, and then I just look at the whole rest audience

and I was just like, oh, it's so difficult because they think they're helping. And then the crowd like laughed and then they got really mad and stormed out.

Of course. Which is fine because I was like, I'm not dealing with that shit and there's no way they're physically or emotionally capable of shutting the fuck up. No, no. And that was like the nicest way to diss them, really. Yeah.

And then I got off stage after my set and their friend, who's also drunk, but wasn't one of the girls doing that. She comes up to me and she goes, just so so you know there is nothing wrong with blondes it was like two blonde women and i think she just thought it was because they were blonde so i was like look at these dumb blonde bitches or something i don't even know but i was like what it's their whole identity i was like i didn't even mention the word blonde or blonde people oh you didn't at all i love it she also was like mentioned blonde people in my set. Oh, you didn't at all. I didn't mention blonde people nothing. Nothing about anybody being blonde. Not even in one of my

jokes five minutes later, nothing. And I was literally like, what? What the fuck is happening? Yeah, so you said that. I didn't say that. They're also disabled. They have natural blondness. I hope you know there's nothing wrong with dumb bitches

I didn't call them dumb bitches that's your word it's American we can be a dumb bitch I love that shirt I love it because I used to think hecklers oh it could happen to anybody. You know, like maybe they're just drunk.

But then you go, oh, it's not like I've been blackout drunk and I know you don't yell at a stage you're not on. Right. I knew that when I was four. And whenever people are dealing with a heckler and they're like, wow, they won't shut up. I'm like, yeah, they're not just dumb in one way. What are the odds they were just really stupid in one what there's all the way stupid in every way and there's no way to fix it they're just they're not you can't reason with them i've heckled male comics when i was very drunk if they were doing like terrible like sexual assault jokes oh boy i'll just be like

get off the stage you fucking suck this one someone told me this blackout but somebody said that I said I don't even remember who told me this it was like such an insane thing for me to say you fucking suck you're done here in Denver

you'll never fucking get booked but I don't think that's what I said I think that I was just like you suck no one's ever gonna book you this is trash but I wasn't saying like you'll never get booked. But I don't think that's what I said. I think that I was just like, you suck. No one's ever going to book you. Right. As opposed to... But I wasn't saying like, you'll never get booked because of me.

I can't imagine myself saying that. Especially, this was like five years ago. Maybe now I would. Now that you are a gatekeeper. Yeah, now that I am a gatekeeper,

maybe. I don't think I've ever gotten a heckle that was that detailed. Like, you are done in Denver. You will never get booked. Like, oh, it's a three-part heckle. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's when somebody... You're going to have to move. I don't remember any of this. I don't remember any of it. Like, zero. Somebody told me about it way later, and I was like, huh. I was like, oh. That's all you probably deserve.

Someone was off their meds. It was me. Whoops. Probably. I can't imagine why I would even maybe. His joke, in my memory, it's like his joke had to have been

fucking something awful. New comic. It made me snap. Fuck you. Fuck you forever. Go find yourself. It would have been like that. He's just a

complete newborn to comedy so he's like oh yeah I can talk about shit that nobody else is able to because they're scared yeah exactly it was something like that for sure and I was just like nope this isn't you should stop stop talking right now I should never talk

in Denver ever again move to Omaha, bitch. Yeah. Elliot Woolsey and I almost fought at the Squire because I drunkenly was heckling comics. What? Yeah, I don't even remember it. He filled me in later. But yeah, he was drunk enough to be like mad at me and tell me to shut up.

And I was like, I'll fucking kill you. Whoa. And then we like got, you know, we separated, or people got between us, so nothing happened. And then I think a couple weeks later at a different mic, he was like, Hey man, I don't know what the hell was going on at the Squire. And I was like, I don't remember shit. So he had to tell me all of that, and I was like, Oh God, I'm so sorry. And then we were okay, and we were friends.

And this was years and years ago. But yeah, pretty wild start to an eventual friendship. I would love if you had filmed that and it could be like, Comedian reminds Heckler what he did last night. And Heckler's just like, oh, shit, dude. My bad, dog. Comedians in open mics getting caught up on their past shittiness.

No, but like all those drunk people at shows, yeah, if you just have the show of everyone being like, you did this and they have to be like,

oh my God. Because it's always someone in a group and it's the drunk, it's always the person in the group who's out of control and then you know

there's a conversation the next day. It's hilarious. And it's probably just like that where they're like, whoa, what? You're right. Dude, I got heckled. I was in Atlanta a couple months ago.

I was just doing a bit about how it's just a dumb bit about the old days weren't good because they didn't have cures for anything. Okay. I'm laughing. A doctor would be like, oh, you got polio. And you go, what are we going to do? And he would go, I'm going to write it down.

So that's just a bit. And I'm like, now we have cures. It's a better time. And one of the doctors yelled out, what about, there was a doctor, drunk doctor in the crowd,

hammered. And she was like, what about the polio vaccine? Dip shit. Whoa. And I said, nice. They didn't have that.

Comedian. They had it. this joke was set like before before it and that's the point that when they got it it was good but they didn't have it when my grandma was born and that's the what the bit was about she was like but what but they had the vaccine and i was like yeah but then she was just really drunk write it down and she was with a bunch of like doctors

and all the other doctors were like we got it we understood it we yeah it's okay and then she got really

like embarrassed and just left and then I felt so bad because I'm like well is it good that she's a doctor because that's bad

yeah that doesn't feel good in my tummy yeah I'm like she's gonna be it good that she's a doctor? Because that's bad. Yeah, that doesn't feel good in my tummy. Yeah, I'm like, she's going to be hungover tomorrow just like cutting somebody. Heckling the night before. Every doctor I know is an animal. Teachers and doctors in every single one. Dude, my doctor told me I didn't have to stop drinking. I was like, should I stop drinking?

And he said no. Yeah, because they've tested it. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, should I stop drinking? And he said no. Yeah. Because they've tested it. Yeah. Yeah. The first one. He's like, you're good. You can be a doctor and be a font and drink every night. Most days. Were you at Starbar?

No, this was at the Punchline. Well, Starbar's back going. I know. Is it? That makes me so happy. Talking about hecklers and being stupid reminded me of a time at Starbar where there was a group of like three or four young women. And they sat up front and they were annoying all night. Like everybody was sick of them.

And some people tried to tell them to shut up, but not really. You know, they just kind of got to stay and got to like get worse, you know. So I got to close it out and I was excited to close it out. But then they were still being annoying. And I always say it's tough because you have to like walk that line between funny and mean. You can't be too just funny. You can't be too just mean.

You have to do a little bit of both to effectively shut them up. And, and because the meanness lets them know that you're not having fun with it. If you're just being funny, then they're like, Oh, this is a tag, you know,

we're doing this together and I'm helping and all of that. But if you're just mean, then they're like, oh, this is a tag, you know, we're doing this together. And I'm helping and all that. But if you're just mean, then everybody's like, well, this guy's an asshole. And I got a little too mean because I said something like, hey, you ladies have been annoying all night. What are you guys doing after this? Maybe walking home? And they're like, yeah. And it's like,

alright, yeah, well, maybe somebody will kill you. And I was like, oh, shit. Shit, wait a minute. That's a good... Whoa. Something in the riff goes too far. Walk it back. Well, yeah, I was just so mad.

And I wanted to end it quick so that I could do my jokes. And then it was like, man, everybody was like, who's this fucking guy? Yeah, wow. You know, I was not from there. What if they did get murdered that night? You would have been number one suspect. Well, hopefully that would have happened. That would have been cool. I had to walk it back. And then they didn get murdered that night? You would have been number one suspect. Well, hopefully that would have happened. That would have been cool.

But I had to walk it back. And then they stayed. Oh, man. You didn't stand in your truth. And so you kind of died. I walked it back. I had to. I had another 15 or 19 minutes.

I didn't want everybody to hate me. You've got to be like, I'm not walking it back. They're going to be walking back home and die. They're gonna get a ride from a hearse. No, I had to. The room instantly, everybody, you know,

wanted to kill me on my walk home. So I had to try and mitigate. I kind of remember that. What? I was there try and mitigate. I kind of remember that. What? I was there, I think. I don't know. Dude, Star Bar has the worst. I got heckled there so many times.

I lived there for three years. I would get heckled like every other time. I just do it like every Monday. That was like the Squire. It was popular. That was our spot. It was a party and a show. And sometimes it was more party than show.

For sure. The word gets out that it's a good place a show and sometimes it was more party than show because the word gets out that it's a good place to meet other people or whatever and then yeah it can kind of go people get i mean i've yeah the drunkest i've ever been yeah yeah and they had those five dollar margaritas i was like yeah but i got heckled one time this vicious hardest part about closing it out if you're not sober Is that you gotta try not to get too drunk Because you're there for so long Three hours, yeah

I remember headlining that Yeah, closing that out And I was very drunk And I was like, oh no I was like, don't get mad at me, Rodney Don't get mad Rodney won't book Mark Norman anymore Mark Norman did it like 10, 11 years and uh he was so he started drinking at 7 30 he thought the show was at like 8 9 yeah so he got

there like 30 minutes early like a comedian and the doors were locked no one's there it's not gonna start till 9 30 yeah and uh so he starts drinking then it doesn't go up till like midnight uh closing yeah so he had we had the hijack special. It was like for five bucks you could get a shot of Jack and a Miller Highline. So we had ten of those. Jesus. Which is ten shots of ten beers. So by the time he goes up to do like 20 or 30 or whatever,

he is so drunk, he just tells his first joke like five times in a row. Oh, shit. Because he's just out of his mind. That's such a weird thing to have happen. I can't think of who else has done that. Laurie Callahan used to do that. But that weird stuck goldfish memory. And he'd be like, ah, comedy.

What are you going to do? Anyway, I was at a bar. And we'd be like, it's that one again. It's the one where you were at a bar. You'd be like that's that one again it's the one where you were at a bar you gotta stop and he just couldn't think of another joke

he was trapped and Rodney's never watched YouTube I don't think he doesn't know and so like anytime someone says oh Mark's funny

he goes what the fuck that guy's one of the worst comedians I've ever seen he has one joke he leans on he leans on his

one joke way too hard he acts like it's an artistic choice. I get it, it's meta, but man, Family Guy is funny in small doses. It's one of those things where it's funny and then it gets unfunny and then it gets funny

again. It's so funny now. I love telling people. It's the funniest thing in the world. One joke. One joke mark Damn Yeah one time I got heckled there And this lady just wouldn't stop

And I was new I didn't know about the too mean heckler response Either And so she just won't stop heckling And you know She's like there with some dude I guess was her boyfriend or something And I was like Hey do you like that she's doing this? Because I was just like, I don't know if I'm going to get anywhere with her.

I was just like, dude, this is cool, right? She's a cool lady. And he was like, yeah. And I was like, and I was telling her, I was like, you just got to, you know, you can do this now. But one day being almost hot is going to wear off. And I just realized that was very not on brand for happy-go-lucky calo to be like calling a woman ugly but it got a big laugh but then after that everybody no one could be the show's over i can't go back to being like i'm a dumb guy

it's like i was just i just call a woman ugly like i'm don rickles everybody was just waiting for you to point out some flaw of theirs. They saw behind the curtain. Yeah, that's like, well, I'm a real tough crowd guy. And then, so then she starts to get, like, that worked, though. And she was like, I'm so sorry. And then she, like, tried to pay me. She tried to, like, give me $20 for having heckled.

And I, like, reached out and i was like i can't take your money you're a piece of shit and then i got a big reaction and then you called her a piece of shit well i was just like i can't take your money fuck you you can't solve problems like that lady you gotta stop it i was just being horrible biggest laugh i got the whole night was like 10 minutes later i'm like about to be done. I was like, I needed that money so bad. I really did. That would have really changed like that whole month. $20?

Yeah. My rent was $200. That's four margaritas. At Starbarn. Yeah, four marks. One a week, all month. The rest of the month you got a cool start to a sweet buzz. You've been in L.A. a lot or you've been hitting the road a lot?

About half and half. Now, since that second dose, I've been gone more than I've been there. Was it weird to be in L.A. with no shows? Yeah. Well, it sucked. Because all of the rent and none of the comedy Yeah But now I finally like my apartment now

Me and my roomies have really taken the time To improve it And spruce it up And put a little queer eye on it And really remake ourselves And you know We're all doing I like my apartment a lot i used

to hate it you and your six roommates yeah me and my six ten roommates 15 roommates and uh so now i don't i used to love to go on the road for like a month straight yeah because i was like fuck that place yeah i'd rather be on a couch than my bed and uh but now i like it so it's like sometimes i do miss it yeah it's weird i finally like i really like where i'm living now too i just moved in and now i got like a month and a half of house sitting and before i'd be like so happy to be out of my house i didn't like my situation uh and now that i like my house i'm like this sucks. I like made it so much. I judge every interaction when I'm out now. Yeah.

I'll just be like, is this better than my chair? I could be in my chair watching Seinfeld in my favorite chair. And, uh, I keep judging people on it. As soon as it dips down below how fun I think that might be. I just go home.

Yeah. Yeah. I'm like, I got popcorn in my house. I can pop some popcorn. My pets are there. Those are great, I love them Yeah, I love home It rules

But I love Trinidad You're home away from home Trinidad, Colorado You could buy a house for like three years of LA rent What? I paid $125 for this Whoa That's crazy

What? Man, I need a house $125 for this. Whoa. In both lots. That's crazy. What? Man, I need a house. Yeah, this is not undiscovered. I mean, it's right off of I-25, but a lot of people are just getting gas and heading somewhere else, and there's no resort money that is just driving everything up.

It's just kind of a slower... I mean, people are coming down here now. But it's not completely insane like Denver. Denver's average price is $7.25 for a house. For some of these small, built-in 1901 when everybody was 4'6". And there was no cure for polio. The doorways are all tiny and shit. Those houses are almost a million dollars.

It's ridiculous. I wonder how much money I've just made in my life. Like, how much have I even made that much? I've been working since I was 15. To keep track of your money? I don't think... Like, I've been working for, like, 20 years of life. And I'm like, have I made a million dollars yet? I don't think I have. I don't think, like I've been working for like 20 years of life and I'm like,

have I made a million dollars yet? I don't think I have. I don't think I've made 500,000. Oh yeah, I haven't ever added up the years.

I think it'd be sad. I make like maybe 20,000 a year doing stand up. So I'm like, I've been doing that for 10. That's only 200k.

Yeah. Before taxes. In the first few it was less than 20 for sure Oh yeah So yeah I don't think I've made anywhere close to a million What Bezos made since

Since we started talking about Starbark Yeah exactly Yeah Since we started talking That whole breakdown really He's already making He's in space

Unbelievable Making more money than we'll make in our whole lives I kept track I made like 25 from comedy last year. And then comedy or my teaching? Not last year. Sorry. Excuse me.

2019. Let's not get crazy, everybody. Jesus. I was like, never mind. Yeah, we're all about to rob you. Yeah, exactly. I was like, no, no, no, not, no. But yeah, so. all about to rob me yeah exactly i was like no no no not no um but yeah so and then every other little thing i do for i mean i feel like i'm scrounging money everywhere i'm like i'm house

sitting i'm giving you a ride i'm doing this you're not gonna believe this brent gill is calling me right now oh did he hear us talk about him he could feel it it. That's insane. Yeah, he calls people all the time. He's a lonely guy. He's always checking in. And it's like, if you were checking in with me, you wouldn't talk the whole time that we were on the phone.

That's not really, that's not checking in on me. He only calls me when he's having a bad idea with a car. He does not call women. He doesn't like talking to women. Apparently he doesn't like talking to men. He just likes to talk.

That's the difference. True. Well, I think women try to get in there and talk more and then guys are just like, you know, muting it and taking a shit or whatever. And at the end being like, that's crazy. Anyway, I got to go. Well, is there something that's happened?

Because I've noticed this recently. Maybe this is is just a covid thing but i've noticed it with groups now that people are very i don't was there a big viral video about interrupting that i didn't see because it seems like everyone's very conscious of now they're like no no go ahead go ahead and then they'll follow up with something like five minutes ago you started to say something you didn't finish it what was it and i'm like i've noticed it with every social like every really maybe zoom's made us like maybe a little bit but that used to never happen people just interrupted fuck it and it just went i feel like i do that i do that a lot i could see that with zoom i think comics are worse about it than the normal population but i could see zoom making

people better about it because of the weird delay and stepping on each other all the time anyway so even those bigger breaks. Yeah. I don't like it though. There's a couple people that I wish would learn that. Some of my favorite people. Sometimes it sucks the fun out. Too much. And then someone's like,

what was that you were saying earlier? And I'm like, they're in charge of the social. They're like, let's go back. We didn't finish the queue. Let's circle back to Christy's comment earlier. And I'm just this isn't a meeting very attacked right now i think i just can't help it because i do think i i actually do interrupt people sometimes because i get excited about a thought especially if i'm smoking weed and then i'm like oh fuck i totally interrupted

them like an asshole and then i go caleb what was you were you saying i mean i'm so sorry i interrupted you what did you say five minutes it's more because I realized oh fuck you just like totally interrupted him like a fucking asshole like three minutes ago when you've been talking and I guess I just with comedians it's like none of us are saying anything that needs to be ended or is worth is too good to be interrupted I wouldn't even like to talk about anything important enough that it needs to be circled back to. It's like, we're just fucking pissing around. None of it... So I'm just like, oh, great.

They talk like it's a deposition. And I'm just like, jeez. I was saying my dick has eight holes. I don't know. It doesn't matter. I didn't mean what I was saying, and I didn't know where it was going. It doesn't matter. Your dick is an underfunded golf course. It's like eight holes.

It's like 20 bucks. I do think I'm paranoid that I have forgotten how to talk to people. Like, so it's a little bit of that as well. We're still out of practice with like listening and timing and interrupting and all of that shit. You're doing great.

Thanks. I bet you're getting a good review on this. I just want to go back to what we were talking about. Back to Starbuck. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I was going to ask you

about your roommates because I was talking with Chris Charpentier and he was living with Dave Ross, both comics, you know, kind of on the same page.

But then Dave moved out and then another comic, Zach Toscani, moved in but he's hit the road for like four months so he sublet and it just made me think about how much so Chris doesn't know this subletting guy

and it's working out, but that's LA, right? Sometimes you're living with roommates that are comics that you know but then sometimes it's just somebody like Facebook group or friend of a friend of a friend or whatever that's gotta be weird. Well, I just like, oh, yeah, okay, this guy's maybe cool.

He talks for an hour. I think that happens a lot when people move to a new place. Yeah, I mean, that's weird. That sounds awful. The first time I moved to Denver, I didn't have a friend, like, living in the city, really, that I could, like, just move in with. So it was Craigslist. I didn't know them were you murdered?

you be the judge you gotta listen to the Patreon episode if Christy's alive but I moved in with Simon Gibson a few years ago and MK Paulson and I didn't realize this but none of them are on the lease

and I don't know this, but none of them are on the lease. And I don't know if they know who is. It's one of those that's been passed down. It's not even the same Wu-Tang Clan. So many members have been replaced. Not an original. So I don't know how it's working. None of us are on the lease.

And it keeps getting replaced. Like Simon moved moved out, and someone else just moves in, and all they do is just Venmo the person who's been in the house the longest. How does it get to, and somebody knows who the landlord is? I guess. I don't even know. I just Venmo MK, and he's like, I know how to pay rent. And I'm like, good. No one's on the list, though.

It's some four comics from the 90s who lived there. It was Damon Wayans, Queen Latifah. It was all the Wayans brothers. Yeah. And so now, and then just comics keep moving in. And, I mean, I know MK, and I like all my roommates now, but they just move in, and I'm like, it's usually some comic I never met, and then they turn out to be cool, and you're like, well, this is fine.

But, yeah, it is weird to not uh the situation is always insane because it's la and the rent sucks everything's shit it's just survival shit where it's like rolling the dice and he's probably all right and then and we have to like front end our i had to venmo the last comic his deposit back because he just left you know and was never on the lease so he's like you need to vinmo me 400 for the deposit and then when you move out the next time moves in we'll vinmo you so we keep passing this deposit forward and then you but you'll also tell like at my last place it was like we were all charging so like the person before me paid 500 and so they and so and they put in enough damage

on the house that they were like okay but you want to pay me for 300 or 400 because you're probably not going to get the full 500 oh i've been putting nails in the walls yeah yeah and then like the next person moving in after me pays 300 so pretty soon it's going to just be like no security deposit that house was so trashed when they just left i was like oh my god yeah i just thought of the i just thought of this dude randy in la he's not a comic but he ended up living with a guy that he kind of knew turned out dude would drink so much that sometimes randy would come home and he'd just be passed out on the toilet or off of the toilet and then piss

and or shit has come and gone and it was a shared bathroom and so he would have to save this fucking guy's life every other night. What an awful and then you're also in LA navigating all of the prices, traffic, people and then that's waiting for you at home're also in L.A. like navigating all of the prices, traffic, people

and then that's waiting for you at home maybe? Oh man. Rough. Rough stuff. That's so funny because like that's what Give me Trinidad. I know you've had to deal with

crazy roommates like that. And that makes me feel so bad like my thing is I'm like you're that guy. Enrique doesn't charge the controllers often enough. Sometimes they die while we're playing

a fucking Mario Kart. And I'm like that's my biggest problem with them. You're not charging these up. Half charge when we start. Sure, you're pissing in the toilet every time, but man, sometimes you're going to bed without plugging in the paddle. You ever call them a paddle?

Those people are weird, right? The paddle people. Can you get me the game paddle? The paddle people. The paddle, yeah. I guess it's not southern because you are acting like it's foreign to you.

Well, I was also homeschooled. I don't really know anything at all. You're not southern. I'm just doing my best. You don't count? Paddle? Atari called them paddles

so I think it depends on how old you are. Atari, that was the first thing. Well, no, I guess I feel like I missed out but I was... They called them paddles. Right, but I was... They called them paddles. Right, but I was...

Oh, I see. Just on the other side of Atari, it was Nintendo. Me too. TurboGrafx was like my older cousins, so I don't know if they would have called those paddles. Remember Bonk? Yeah, but I think that was that dial, right? It had a weird controller.

Yeah, a a ball magic ball yeah anyway paddles gotta charge them up paddle talk kids what's the point what's the point of not having a wire if you're gonna let it die oh i'm obsessed with charging i i have so many things to charge and i like i i can't be comfortable out. Like I got to charge the headphones and the laptop. And I got to charge my charge bank and my phone and my watch. That's a lot of wires. Everything needs to be charged. And it's like, I don't know how people are just.

Sometimes I look at my girlfriend's phone and it says 11%. And I'm like, what are you doing? Go home. You cannot be out. You better go home. Are you having fun with your friends? It's impossible for me to smile if my phone's at 10. I can't have a good time.

I can't. I'm not even that happy now. It's like 40. Mine's at 40. And you're just thinking about it. Yeah, your energy and happiness is directly correlated with... You can see it's going down. It's going down.

You better charge this baby up. I used to be better about always charging the phone overnight. And then I got out of the habit. So I'm starting to be one of the people you hate most in this world. Oh, you better charge this shit up. I mean, for the most part, I'm at 83 right now. I'm feeling good. Oh, what I would do for an 83.

Oh. That's so secure. Do you think being here has made you worse because it's made me worse I don't know I'm going to talk to maybe two or three people in a day as opposed to Denver where I'd be fielding all of my friends

I look at it a lot I think the part of it is that I'm not out as much so I know I can charge it at some point and not worry about it so I know I can charge it at some point and not worry about it I know I'm not going to have it die I'm in my car a lot

so I always have a charger there where are you at right now? I'm at like I don't want to make you feel I'd tell you 95 I'm at 47 47 is alright you're plugged in

I'm at 45 we're going to be fine I'm at 47 47's alright You're plugged in Jake I'm at 45 So you're not the lowest person here And I'm plugged in Okay You're gonna be the lowest again We're gonna be fine As a group we're fine You're gonna be the lowest

Sooner than later And you're gonna look stupid as hell You're not gonna know what the weather is You're not gonna know what time it is You're not gonna be able to Yelp You're not gonna be able to Google You're not gonna be able to Yelp I just

I love phones I need it to be I go through mine quick. I'll wake up and take an Uber to the airport. By the time I get there it's at 50%. I do so much. I do everything on it. You got an iPhone? Yeah, it sucks. Those have that weird

I've seen people say they'll have a weird jump where you use it a bunch and it's like oh, I'm doing good. But then all of a sudden it goes from like 60 to 32. Yeah, like one 10 minute FaceTime and it's like, oh, I'm doing good. But then all of a sudden it goes from like 60 to 32. Yeah, like one 10-minute FaceTime and it's like dead. What happened? Yeah, that's, I don't know. Everybody loves their precious Apple products, but I'm over here all day.

That AirDrop and that AirPlay is so incredible, though. AirDrop is so good. Get yourself an iPhone, folks. No way. Yeah, the AirPlay is great. AirPlay is great. I don't care. I got 4Play over here. I way. Folks. Yeah, the AirPlay is great. AirPlay is great. I don't care. I got 4Play over here. I'm watching porn.

Is that phone the jib with your balls? I put on Vibrate. Why no AirDrop? What's AirPlay where you can... You just press one thing, YouTube's on your TV. Boom. Oh, who cares? I can do that. Oh, what's it called?

Screencast? Oh, that's... Isn't that... You know what I'm talking about? It is, but it's more of a pain in the ass. Ours is like a one-button deal. Oh, fine. Like, at anyone's house. Not just on your network.

You got a headphone jack, though? Hell yeah. I also got Bluetooth. Dang. So I don't even need it. A headphone jack's the real win. I don't even need it, man. I bet you could put a CD in that

I got bluetooth capabilities with my bluetooth headphones you have bass boost? shuffle? I can do it all I can text on here I don't know if you guys can text

get me started on it no more phone calls sometimes I feel I don't know if you guys can text, but... You can get me started on emojis. No more phone calls. Oh, boy. Yeah, sometimes I feel superior because I went with the other mega corporation of Google. Right. And it's like, oh, yeah, I'm not exploiting anybody with my Google phone. What is the name of this? A Pixel?

Is that a Pixel? Yeah, it's a Pixel. They have a good camera, right? They do. Good camera, I guess. I don't know. It's pretty good. I mean, I still look like shit.

What am I taking pictures of? I take pictures of signs I think are funny and sunsets. Sunsets look good with a good camera. Bad cameras, I don't use it for a shit. Well, you got three cameras on your phone? I got an old-ass phone from the old days. This is like an iPhone 6 or something. you got three cameras on your phone i got an old ass three in one phone from like uh the old day this is like an iphone 6 or something i got two i got two uh two cameras so that's good yeah i got one old dumb camera um the two how many cameras you got i got two two yeah

yeah i don't know there's like two on this side and then... Well, yeah, we're not counting the front one. Yeah, the front one is whatever. You know, the front one is dog shit. I can't wait until the new one is all cameras. It's like 35 on the whole back. Your thumb is always covering at least two of them. It's like, God damn, I can't even hold this fucking thing.

It's not obscuring. Look at you. Oh. Well, great. Excellent. Anyway, yeah. thing without obscuring the view oh well great excellent anyway yeah buy some apple and or google products support walmart if you can walmart's great check it out check it out their employees their employees hardly ever kill themselves walmart you know because they're they're kind of getting taken care of they get a check every now and then. So, you know, support the companies that are supporting your community. Do you think Google tells Amazon how many people Google how to kill themselves?

While they're... I think Google rents their server space from Amazon, so I think Amazon can just look if they want to. Sure. Nice. That seems... Pretty much everything except dark web bad shit

is hosted by Amazon. Whoa! They own 98% of the internet. Wow. That sounds bad. That sounds bad. It's the kind of thing we used to have laws for before Reagan. Oh, man.

Ronald? Yeah, they hate Reagan Ronald McDonald Jimmy Reagan It's crazy when like I would say like a majority of documentaries I've watched in the last two years Are like this thing

Is going to kill everyone And Reagan did it. Yeah. Or we used to have this great thing, and Reagan... It's so weird. I'm like, oh, I thought he just said, make my day or something. Didn't he tell a lot of jokes when he was old? It's wild how many horrible things.

Really terrible. We're seeing it happen with Bush, where everybody's like, man, compared to Trump, Bush was like a lovable little cartoon teddy bear that you could put a headlock in and have a good time what are you fucking talking about I think it's

gotta be on purpose just this weird top down messaging of like the past wasn't that bad things were good and things are okay now but we gotta keep working on it. You know, it's just like this weird mind control.

We got to keep going back. Yeah, we got to learn from the past but it's the good old days but the good old days were actually awful but not when you put

a little shine on it. Put a little nice fresh coat of paint on there. Me and Reagan was around at that sweet spot where they were putting shine on it when you were an idiot

in public anyway. Like, when we were watching Bush's kids, it was that day like, look at this idiot, can't talk. And Reagan, they'd like ignore the fact that his wife was standing three feet behind him whispering the lines right before he said them. And like, the reporters wouldn't report that because that was

a bad look for us to put out about the president. Whoa. Like, this jackass doesn't know the speech. Ron Reagan did a good speech today. to put out about the president. Whoa. Still being like, this jackass doesn't know the speech. Yeah. They were like, Brown break into the good speech today. Anyway, on with the other news. Yeah. Well, and it does still happen.

I just saw on Twitter there were a lot of major newspapers that were saying the people in Cuba were protesting the government when they weren't. were protesting the government when they weren't. They were protesting for the government to demand different trade agreements with the U.S. and shit. And it was just like, that's not what's happening.

But if you get your news from one of the four or five biggest options, you could just take that, bring it to work, tell your friends, your coworkers what's going on, and everybody's like, oh yeah, alright, we're on top of it. Yeah, they're mad at their government for starving them to death.

What's really funny, one I just saw was that there used to be a law that if you were going to tell huge lies on the radio, you had to let, if you were going to tell big liberal lies on the radio, you had to let a conservative go on for an hour after you? Yeah. I didn't even know that. That used to be a law. You could be biased,

and then you had to let someone else be biased. And then Reagan was like, fuck that! Yeah, equal time. Has anyone seen the documentary Best of Enemies? No. It really does explain how this all happened in 1968. Because all news used to be publicly funded.

They all had the same amount of funding, and there was no advertisement. So there was no incentive for ratings and sensationalizing news to get people to watch for more money. Well, they did away with that in 1968 for the privatization of the news. And then on that is when they got William Buckley and Willard Dahl

to do the first like left and right political commentary at the 68 DNC and RNC and it was just like they got like it got really nasty didn't he immediately use like gay slurs

oh yeah they questioned each other's sexuality how that started like yeah how that like that was really where it like all went downhill for like just the news and the media being so

biased towards whichever way instead of just like here are facts. I always have to have you, here's the facts and this is how you're supposed to perceive them. We'll tell you. Don't worry. Don't think about it. We'll tell you how to think about it. Sam and I have made fun of those

mid-Atlantic accents where they're talking through clenched teeth. Why would you move your jaw to speak? That weird affectation of, like, wealthy people from the mid-Atlantic Northeast. Yeah. It, like, kind of disappeared.

But it was very, like... Yeah, William F. Kennedy did not open his mouth. No, not at all. Why would you waste time opening your mouth? You'd see a lot of his bottom. No one should ever see a man's tongue it's a sign of weakness and you wonder if he dropped that at home like godfrey does like gilbert godfrey oh yeah he speaks like a normal little human yeah i don't think so because if it was all about appearances then you would maybe

even have that same desire to command. Right, yeah, yeah. It's wild. Oh, yeah. God, can you imagine the TMJ problems that I must have? My jaw clicks every night. I can't sleep without putting on a loud fan. Yeah, it's pretty wild.

I'm a mouth breather, but I still have my teeth clutched. Okay, I'm done. That's why conservatives don't eat pussy. Because they can't open their mouth, dude. They can't do it. Can't let the tongue out. It's too scary. No, keep that tongue in jail.

Keep that tongue in teeth jail don't you let it make a lady happy I was gonna say we were getting a little too close to political commentary and chubby behemoth fans are not used to that

so I'm glad we got back to eating pussy or the lack thereof and making fun of people who talk funny. Because that's kind of more... We haven't talked about cumming at all. Hopefully you guys have been cumming regularly

and going to the bathroom. Not until I get my third dose. Playing it real safe, huh? Once I get that booster, it's jizz time it's jizz time uh you gotta go to pueblo after this bugli are you excited big pueblo p-town uh sure a lot of good ones pueblo is weird because they've got more stuff than here but i feel like they don't appreciate they're still not happy they don't like anything they want to lead but they can't oh yeah it's like an industrial feeling place the whole thing feels like yeah uh there's factories everywhere but also houses yeah i go up. You love it up there, Becker.

I just like their hash prices. Oh, yeah, it's not gouged for the tourists or whatever. Oh, God, that happened today. I went to the Live Well here in Trinidad, and it was all just people from Texas being like, we just want to see what this is all about. We don't have this back home. And you're like, oh, my God.

And then they're in there for like, there's only two bud tenders, and they're in there for like 25 minutes getting the full tourist experience. And I'm like, I just want two packs of pre-rolls. This will take me 30 seconds. Can they step out for a second so that I can just get the fuck? I was waiting for 20 minutes.

For a four minute interaction. See, I wish every line was like express at the at the grocery store and regular because i'm always a quick i know what i want i want one thing and i want it to go and i can see it right there can you hand me that yep yep and i'll be so fast i'll pay with cash yeah like yeah like a line that's like i know what i want or i don't know and that, man. I'm here from out of state. Somebody should do that. Yeah. What's a shirt date?

The guy came in, he's like, and it was just, I mean, it was kind of adorable. Don't get me wrong. It's exactly what. But yeah, he comes in, and she's like, I need your ID. They. Yeah, the lady at the thing was like, I need your driver's license oh i didn't bring it okay well you cannot come in if you don't have a driver's license he's like oh well we're from texas so and he pulled his hat off to show his gray hair he's like i'm obviously

old enough and i was like okay and then she's like i still can't like it's very right like it's very regulated i cannot and he's like oh okay well can't. Like, it's very regulated. I cannot. And he's like, well, okay, well, I'll go to the car and get it. And he's like, well, how does this work? How do we get in here? What do you need? What do you need? She's like, I need your driver's license.

And I was just like, let me get my pre-rolls, please. Like, I was so upset. There was a, like a month ago, Megan and I went down to... We tried to go to this lake, like State Park, that had a lake outside of Raton. And these two old guys were trying to get... They wanted to fish. And they were like, what do we got to do if we want to fish? And they were like, well, you have to get a fishing license.

It's 20 bucks. And the guy goes, what if I was born in Raton? And I was like, nobody gives a shit. What are you talking about? Was he trying to convince you he's like a Native American? No. No. He didn't live

in Raton anymore. He said he had been born there. What if 65 years ago He has water rights. What if 65 years ago he has natural rights he has water rights what if 65 years ago my mom shat me out in Raton

what if I got cut out of a woman in Raton in 1952 does that affect the here and now does that does that allow me certain rights

does that allow me to does that save me 20 bucks how is he old does that ever work for him like the born in Raton I would imagine no Does that save me 20 bucks? How is he old? Does that ever work for him? Like the Born and Retoned discount? I would imagine no, but yeah, we thought, we had a few good laughs, me and Megan, about

that one. Get pulled over, you're like, yeah, I had a few cocktails, but what if I was born not 15 minutes from here? Some weird fucking, I mean, yeah. That's a white guy acting like there's any connection between where you're from and what you deserve. I think he just saw that

Ileana Gonzalez thing and was like, wow, it really matters where you're born. And nowhere's better than Raton. Lucky me. Damn, that's going to get me out of a lot of jams. We went up to that barren elk open space when my buddy was down this week because he bought a new car so we were just driving up the mountain

and I saw a sign there I've never seen which was you still need a fishing license for bow fishing bow fishing? what kind of redneck shit is bow fishing? we stood there I smoked a whole cigarette contemplating it

that's like what Rambo would do if he was trapped in the woods. Yeah, it's very much out of that movie or Deliverance.

Yeah, bow fishing. Yeah, they want to shoot something but it's illegal to use a gun so they're like, well,

what if I get a little crafty? What if I'm a guy with a chainsaw? What if I cut up this fish with a chainsaw? Do you need a chainsaw to play with? No, I don't. It's a little crafty what if I'm a guy what if I cut up this fish with a chainsaw do you need a chainsaw what if I put

worm pieces on the end of a chainsaw dangle it over the water and then give her a rip as soon as I see the splashing of a fish yeah that's hilarious Brett Hiker has done the pod and he recently joined joined a friend for a bow fishing competition, and he bought a Halloween costume of a Robin Hood outfit so that he could bow fish while dressed like Robin Hood.

That's really funny. Robin Hood it was fucking yeah the cartoon fox you know in the Disney one he does the bow and arrow competition so Hiker fucking got to he kind of looked more like Peter Pan than Robin Hood but it was still hilarious yeah the bright green

yeah the hat he looked so stupid it was great he had a little dumb hat on. I used to think it's all person too. Oh yeah. It was like for a kid probably. Actually I saw that on Facebook stories. So thank you Facebook.

Check out Facebook. This brought to you my Facebook stories. There's some gems in there. After going to Walmart for all your goods. Check out Facebook.com. There's some gems in there. Check out, after going to Walmart for all your goods and electronics, check out Facebook.com. There is an app, but I like to use the website itself. Yeah, classic.

Classic, old school kind of a way with my dial-up modem. Nathan pokes me every day. You remember getting poked? Yeah, that was weird. It was always somebody that you'd talk to once, and then you'd just be like, what is this? Well, yeah. Yeah, it's been a long time since you've talked to them that one time. What a weird idea.

And then a poke. Yeah. Can you believe a college virgin invented that app? Hey, let's put a poke option on there. Instead of having to use words, you just do a little poke option. How about you assault some of your friends? It could mean so many different things.

Very ambiguous and potentially threatening, depending on what time of the night you poke them. Sometimes it's 3.06 a.m. and you're like, oh, cool. This lady poked me. And I don't know what she wants. I know what she wants. You know what she wants. When I think of pokes, I think of the lady

that used to send me very increasingly explicit. So it starts with a poke and then it's like, hey, you're hot. And it's like, oh, thank you. Did you see me at a show?

And she's like, yeah, and I'd love to see you after a show when we fuck. And it was like, oh, thank you. Did you see me at a show? And she's like, yeah, and I'd love to see you after a show when we fuck. And it was like, whoa. She's smooth. Man. And then when I was doing one on Lund, I would go on. The first couple, I went on Facebook Live.

And man, she took advantage of that opportunity. Just typing about how she wanted to suck me dry and put me away wet. I want to be dry. Yeah, I want to leave a little in the bank for next time. I don't want to be depleted completely like a decommissioned lake. I'm just completely drained and useless and barren. The earth is cracked. I want you to suck me happy.

I want to be happy and old and moist. Just one of those things where I got a glimpse into what a lot of guys do. Well, I was going to say women have to put up with dudes constantly being awful. And she was also nice, but also just trying to be very forward. And I could appreciate that. And it's not like she showed up at my house you know with a knife or something and was like I'm going to poke you with this

so still have to be grateful. It still astounds me how much dudes get hit on for comedy Oh it's a big mistake too Don't fuck us My dick barely works lady You will be disappointed immediately She'll be thinking that's like a challenge.

She's like, wow. Have you tried me before? Oh, yeah. And it's like, oh, yeah. It definitely would be hard for a little bit. And then it would be soft. And I wouldn't know what to say except I'm sorry. And this is not the first time.

I don't want you to think it is the first time. Almost every time. This is a regular thing. I'm surprised it got hard at all. It's like how... That's a win. You should take it as a win. Yeah. Dogs like me, but they don't... Because I'm the owner, they don't

like other people. That's my dick. Dick likes me. We have a great relationship. Around other people, there's a little skittishness and some fear and uh... Dog dick one. i got a dog dick what do you guys what do you guys want to plug i wish we had already done plugs that would have been a great button oh boy well we can edit the plugs back uh my album is coming out at midnight

tonight oh hey funny for a man check it out uh it's my first album uh i've been working on for a long time please please if you're broke just share it or listen on Spotify for free but if you have a couple bucks give it a preorder and we can be number one for 30 minutes until Bo Burnham is number one again that's so weird I'll screenshot it and frame it

Jim Gaffigan is number two and four Retaliation by Dane Cook is always in the top ten John Mulaney when I see comics share the screenshot of the top 10 or 20 it's just like a bunch of old

random shit and it's like okay you're just checking out Dane Cook now cool like what I think it's kids that get their first phone or something and they're like I want to listen to comedy. And it's just like kids downloading it. And they look at the top 20, and then they buy some of those so that they stay there. Right, they're just getting into it.

Because that's what I did as a kid. I'd Google, like, what's comedy? And that's how I found out about Jim Gaffigan, as soon as I got access to Google. Yeah, the Zeppelin III has been on the top, like, 100 albums. I bought Dark Side of the Moon as soon as I got my first job. Dark Side of the Kid's in the top 100 too. You just keep buying. There's certain things you just hear are good.

These are the classics. And that's going to be Funny for a Man if you order today. Yeah. And tell a friend. Give it as a gift for your parents. Parents love my comedy. Go to walmart.com slash funny for a man. I did tell my mom yesterday I thought she would like Caleb.

Yeah. That's my brand. Yeah brand your mom will love it I'm a bad boy you can take home to mom yeah but like so good I'm a good boy you're the goodest bad boy that's the next album

yeah exactly we cover Pueblo tomorrow what else you got coming up? For some of your guys' fans, I would think I will be... I just like that phrasing a lot. Yeah. You're hosting a bow fishing competition. Yeah.

For you guys. No, I mean, I'll be doing commentary in October for Literally Brain Offs. See? The October show. October 9th, I want to say he said it first. Yeah, it's the 8th or 9th. Denver, Colorado. That's a plug your audience

I would assume would either want to come or be like, oh, Nathan and Sam aren't there. I'm not going this time. It could have hurt. Is it you and Mitch? Me and Mitch, yeah. Hell yeah.

Go to that. Sam and I are... Chubby... What is it? Chubby behemoth head? Chubby behemoth... Chasers? Yeah, sons of Sam and Lon.

Sons of Sam's... What the fuck buddies? I call them he-me's. He- fuck, buddies? I call them Hemis. Hemis? Hemos. Hemophiliacs. I love Hemos. They love us.

Hemosexuals. All right. Thank you all for listening. Don't forget, the Patreon has a bunch of episodes that are available for only $5 a month. So check that out if you haven't already. That are available for only $5 a month. So check that out if you haven't already. And if you do the $20 tier.

This month's mail is finally official merch. We have a Chubby Behemoth shirt. That we're going to send to you if you sign up in the next couple of weeks. So do that. Let us know your shirt size. You'll get a Chubby Behemoth shirt. Thanks to Art from Ran Barnaclo. Oh I love Ran.

Do you know him? I do. He's a funny guy. He hooked us up immediately with a couple of funny-looking guys that perfectly capture the chubby behemoth aesthetic. It looks like me and Sam in 10 to 15 years. Just real gross. Probably each of them missing a foot due to either a chainsaw accident or diabetes. Either way, they're hobbling around with a cane. Either way, somebody had fun.

A couple of rascals in rascals getting in your way at Walmart. So, yeah, don't bother with a mom and pop. They're probably out of half of their shit. Go to Walmart. They've got everything for cheap. That's right. And you can get a bunch of them. And you could steal a lot without getting caught.

Well, we never steal from Walmart. We pay full price because they take good care of us. And the prices are low every day. But yeah, thank you guys for listening. Suck it. Fuck you, Sam. Yep. Adios.