Chubby Behemoth - Dick & Phyllis

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Suana? Okay! S my own G. Take it up with my son Walter.                Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth

Did you hear that awful noise earlier that was coming out of the alley? Yeah, I thought that was when I... It was just like some terrible metallic screeching. I thought that was when I flushed. I thought that was the toilet. The toilet was tapping out. Yeah. Those were the pipes exploding.

The toilet just got double teamed by both of us and that toilet is old. Yeah. And the pipes are ancient. That toilet needs a purple heart after its line of duty, man. Our stink holes are going gonna cause a sinkhole yeah lund went first which is always bad for any fixture whether it's the sink or a toilet or just a shower with a hole in the bottom lund went first and having been nathan's friend for so long having to follow him in the toilets like having to follow prior at the apollo it's bad news

we've already talked about this. You're way worse. Not true. Now you're trying to rewrite history in a future episode, and you're like, oh, yeah, you're gaslighting me with your horrible, stinky gas. This is revisionist. The gas is methane in the gaslighting. That's a shitty lamp.

Lund's, the seat's not only warm, but the water is, like, boiling when he's done. The water changes colors. Yeah, it's like looking into Old Faithful. It's like when you dump, you dump Mentos and the water's Diet Coke. That's what it's like. Well, yeah, this last dump was Diet Coke-like because I just had coffee and nothing else, so it was foamy. Yeah.

Yeah, it looked like a latte you had fomo on my foamy shit so you're like i gotta get in there yeah i gotta i gotta tweet this look i'm not saying what i do in there is a is a gift from god you are i'm not saying my cheeks make poetry no they're uh they're screaming sin it's halal it's a crime against the Muslim God, what I do in there. There's no odor to mine. You know what's annoying to me? We could smell you from this room. That's not true. You were following Lund. That was Lund's smell that followed him out of there.

Also, I didn't have the door closed. Because it was really hot and I was walking into a sauna. Once you were done. Walking into a what? Sauna? Sauna. That's how we say it. Who's we?

Me and most of Scandinavia. Me and all my Norwegian friends. Sauna. You sounded Italian for a second to me. Yeah, well that's because you're an uncultured blob of shit. Sauna? Okay. Okay, get in sauna. Sauna.

Okay. Okay, get in the sauna. I'm glad that you can take any type of, any culture and make them sound really just bad, just dumb, or... Well, I don't know if you know this, a lot of cultures have been very bad. Alright? Yeah. I mean, think about it. Italy? Bad.

They released the meatball parm across America. That led to heart disease. Slow play, yeah. Also, that Mussol across America. That led to heart disease. Slow play. Also that Mussolini character wasn't up to any good. Mussolini, he lost his weenie. I don't know if you heard about this. They shoved it in his mouth, right? They did. They cut it off and shoved it in his mouth and they said,

tell no secrets, tell no lies. They said compliments of the chef and shoved his dick in his mouth Yeah his last words were I'll have what she's having I just took my sunglasses off I came down here dressed like

An offensive line coach Yeah Two a days are in full effect Look man if you want to sneak on to any football practice facility NFL Down to Pop Warner All you gotta do is wear a long-sleeve shirt, shorts, Nike Monarchs, and a fishing hat. You've got to have some decent calves, too.

Meaty, but with a little bit of definition. Yeah, kids love calves. I've watched a lot of Pop Warner football games in my day. Yeah, probably too much. Yeah, well, I mean, how else am I going to come? Too much. Yeah, well, I mean, how else am I going to come? Your gambling problem got really bad when you started putting big money on 12-year-olds trying to kill each other.

Well, they're easier to pay off. You know what I mean? Right, you were fixing. Yeah, you were running all kinds of numbers. Yeah, I just had a bunch of Pokemon cards. I was like, all right, I need this to win by seven. How many chocolate milks is it going to take for you to miss every field goal today, huh, Jimmy? Yeah, a bunch of. Pop Warner's not known for its field goal. Not a lot of special teams.

I know. I was just throwing something out there. You don't know shit. No, you don't know shit. Look, I'm not going to yes-and your nonsense. I'm Peter Griffin. Oh, my knee! Spot on Peter Griffin. That was really good. I'm Peter Griffin! I can't do it. It's such a weird, specific voice.'m Peter Griffin. I can't do it. It's such a weird, specific voice. I'm Peter.

I can't do it. There you go, turning somebody else into the worst version of themselves. Yeah, that was Chechnyan Peter Griffin. I'm Peter Griffin. I'm Muslim but Russian. It's wild, man. Change the channel to MTV2. What is that?

Some reference from your middle school days? It's on my first album. Grip it and rip it. Your first album came out on Motown Records in 1965. I don't know what's worse, doing stand-up for 15 years and not releasing an album, or

releasing several, because I haven't released anything. And I feel like the other way is also not good where it's like, oh, album number four self-released, you know, like, oh, okay. Obviously nobody really cares or else you would have gotten some heat by now. Yeah. Nate Craig. Whoa. No, I'm kidding. Nate Craig's funny, but there are a lot of people out there who will be in their first 18 months of stand-up and they're like, people have been begging for it and I'm giving them what they want. Come on down to Johnny's Crystal Skull.

We're recording two albums in two days. Stand-up comedy. I think it's much better not to put anything out. I haven't released any albums. There's some mixtapes out there. Some bootlegs. Yeah, a couple of bootlegs. I was selling just boots for a while.

That didn't work. From the boot in Fort Collins. Live from the boot. Nice ref. Hell yeah. Yeah. I almost got beat up at the boot because they had those two giant American flags. Yeah.

Like, you know, Florida ceiling or whatever on stage. American flags. Yeah. Like, you know, Florida ceiling or whatever on stage. And I started by, started my set by making fun of them.

Like, why two? Like, you got one and then the other guy, the guy was like, I got another one. I'll throw it in. They buy one, get one. Yeah.

And I said something like, why not just get a giant mirror and then you'd have two for the, and I ended up making fun of like politicians and stuff and then there was this table

that took offense mostly to the flag stuff. It's like, oh yeah, God forbid I desecrate your fucking t-shirt. Yeah, they were like, look, you can say whatever you want about me. But you talk about the fucking red, white, and blue, brother. That's a battle you don't want to step to. I only know three things, even though I'm 47. God is love. love homosexuality is a sin against see number one and three nobody talks mess about my flag i used to do the boot

all the time and uh kyle pogue would always host for me because he's a big fan and i'd always step behind the flag that was hung on the wall and be like, hey, Kyle, look, this is my impression of all your friends. Because he was a veteran, you know, and he put a flag over the casket. Yeah, whoa. Yeah, that's always a fun guy. Pretty good. Yeah, it's good, man. Kyle's laughing through the tears.

Kyle would be like, whoa, mammo, that's good satire. Put it in a book. I'd buy it. Yeah, man, the flag is stupid. I think we should revamp the flag. I like that one that's like blue and black. You know what I'm talking about? Like grayscale and black

and then one little bit of blue? Yeah, the one that's for cops. Yeah. I think it's about time cops got some respect. But I'll say it, man. You're just saying a lot. Yeah. I'm not saying enough.

I like that you... I'm still tethered. I'm restrained right now. You don't care about the flag, the United States flag, but you love our boys in blue. I was honoring the troops when I did that bit. I would put the flag over my face, say nothing to Kyle, and then I'd say the Pledge of Allegiance in Latin

ipso cripso chim and chod grimordius tanto bondo liscanthum papadopolis a little Greek thrown in at the end yeah I'd like to throw it in a little Greek boy

you know what I mean come on let me bang these kids you've got you've got a a nice array of beliefs fuck the flag honor the police yeah bang little kids that's a greek uh tradition that we've lost yeah man i'm just like a philosopher that's all it is. I see all sides. I want to see one side, there's the back side. Boy. I don't bang girls.

I don't bang any kids. Come on, guys, look. This is... Let's be serious for a second. Let's be serious. And look, we need to get cops more money. Respect the troops. Yeah, let's

goof it around okay look troops I don't stand for them but a cop hell yeah go ahead and get in front of me

I've seen you kneel for a cop I did I was I was blowing I was like alright boys this is the HOV lane

and I pointed to my mouth you have a thick white line all over my face. Yeah, it's... Man, I'm so sick of people just talking in absolutes. You know, everybody wants to talk in the language of the bumper sticker, you know? And it's like, man,

can't we get more intricate than that after 2,000 years of language and learning, you know? People are still just trying to say three things of of language and learning you know like people are still just trying to say three things and they're out you know like or like a sound bite and then they're done and it's like well we should probably keep talking about this very complex situation they're like nope said what i needed to say love it or leave it and then they hit you with another bumper sticker it's like god damn i'm gonna go turn my car on in the garage yeah i'm

gonna go the way of the way of the dinosaur and the last thing they say is like look man if you can if you can read this the bitch fell off it's like what that doesn't make any sense yeah if it's longer than four words it goes from bumper sticker slogans to t-shirt slogans. My favorite thing that I've seen lately are the t-shirts that will say, like, I'm a real loving person. And I would do anything for my family and friends. But cross me or my loved ones and you're dealing with a fucking psycho. Have you seen those?

Of course. They're so ridiculous. I was alluding to that earlier. Well, not the t-shirt, but just those people. I think we talked about it before. But yeah, I like the shirts that are like, look, I might be a beer-swilling Sagittarius who grew up in Fruita, Colorado. Oh, yeah, the NSA shirts that just have gathered everything about you and throw it at you in a shirt. It's like, look, I like to play backgammon. Look, I may have been born on July 17th, 1979 and raised by Kelly and Stanley. Yeah, and I graduated from Arizona State University.

I may have double majored in journalism and ecology in class of 98, but if you say one bad thing about the WNBA, you're going to have to take it up with my son, Walter. And my dog, Fritz. Who happens to be a Cocker's fan. Yeah, man, people are

so stupid to just be like, oh yeah, this is a cool shirt that a lot of people are gonna wear themselves well our friend the other day janae was like blown away that there was a shirt for sale that was like it's a janae fan yeah and she was like what does this mean she doesn't know about uh yeah how much spying has been going on. She must not be on Facebook. Because Facebook throws everything back at you. If you say something, if you mention window treatments, then that's all you see on Facebook and Instagram for six months. Two days ago I prank called a realtor. And now I just get all these ads for houses.

What did you say to the realtor? I was like, hey a i'm a father of seven and i'm looking for hi i'm philip rivers hi i'm philip roth acclaimed author and uh hi i'm eli roth father of seven and i'm counting hostile and hostile too those are my babies i went and saw eli roth talk it was the first it Did Hostel come out first? Before Hostel 2? No. Literal piece of shit. Was it Saw?

No, first Saw must have come out before Hostel, right? Yeah, but it's weird because I saw Hostel first. So it's confusing for me. But he talked to Cornell and we went there tripping on LSD and just like heckled him while he was trying to be all serious about his movie. And he's talking all grave, you know. He's like, this is a journey into the darkest

nethers of your mind. And we were like, Baba Booey! Whip your dick out. Yeah, it's like, let me smell it! Let me give a smooch to your downstairs pooch! Did you get kicked out? No, they loved it.

They thought I was an Ivy League student. How hard is it to get kicked out of any kind of fraternal organization? You know how many people I would have had to rape to get removed from that movie theater? Yeah. Yeah, it's Cornell. The worst of the Ivies. Is that right? Bottom of the barrel?

Yeah, that includes Dartmouth. I don't know anything about them. Fart Mouth? Okay, that's what we call it. Solid burn. Thank you. Yeah, Cornell's a fucking joke. Yeah, I don't know anybody who went there.

I do. I know a number of people who went there. Yeah. Did they graduate? Yeah, of course. Double major? Double minor. They minored in penetration.

Yeah, their dad had to buy a new library so they could get their fucking poli-sci degree. I'm pre-law. I just pre-came. Yeah, it doesn't count. I'm impressed. Can't get pregnant with pre-cum. You can't, right?

I don't know. I think you can. I think there's more. Becker's the way. He says you can. You can. Yeah, it's cum. They told us you couldn't when we were younger though I think

There's a bunch of boys in there They also thought sperm swam until like three weeks ago What's it do? It spins The tail stays like stagnant It's like a rudder And it spins Like a dart being thrown into a pussy?

Kind of more like Those later nerf balls that had the vortex on them. Oh, love the vortex. Does it scream like a vortex too?

It could possibly. Woo! But that's like this month they figured out how sperm actually moves. Damn, I'm glad that those

fucking science dorks finally blew a load. They do the electric slide into Orify. Yeah, they're just Macarena-ing up into that from the vast deferents. They crip walk. It's pretty stylish. It's pretty cool.

I don't care for sperm. Well, that's fair. I mean, first it's a mess and then it's 18 years of blood, sweat, and tears if it does its job. Yeah. I mean, all it's really good for is cocking or gluing your coffee mug to your

nightstand yeah exactly if you're trying to prank your boss keep his drawer from opening just get all the other lawyers to come into his room and jerk off in there oh god this sounded like a baby dinosaur I'll get the lawyers to come into his room and jerk off in there. Oh!

God, that sounded like a baby dinosaur. Yikes. I mean, timey. Oh, man. You know, have you... Megan and you, do you guys fart in front of each other? I fart. She does, but doesn't...

I think she doesn't go for it every time. Doesn't go for it? She shows restraint? I think so. I think that she doesn't really get into it. She doesn't clap cheek? Doesn't let the thunder roll on the lightning strike? She doesn't blast the Garth Brooks? No, she's more of a Chris Gaines. A little more dark and subdued. Yeah, all of her farts are wearing eye makeup. Doesn't let the thunder roll on the lightning strike? She doesn't blast the Garth Brooks?

No, she's more of a Chris Gaines, a little more dark and subdued. Yeah, all of her parts are wearing eye makeup. Emily, see, here's the thing, it's a dichotomy. Mine are loud, but they don't stink. Mine are like shock and awe. You know, but there's no civilian casualties to it. You can't smell anything. I can't.

So they don't stink to you. Well, it sucks because I had COVID. Sorry. I have COVID. You have a fever of 103. Yeah. You're like foreigner over here. So, Emily will let out a little guy

and she'll be like, I made a doodle. It's like, oh, that's hilarious. Oh, God. Oh, Lord. Yeah, it's like Agent Orange. I feel like I'm in a fucking POW camp and people are yelling DD Mao. It's brutal. Because women, they have this thing called estrogen.

I don't know if you've heard about it. But their hormones are fucking... Supposedly. Right. Yeah, I haven't looked into it too much. The Washington Post says. I'm tired of trusting science. Look at all my news from Breitbart. I get all my news from Bret Hart, actually.

He sends me an update every morning. He's pretty conservative. But God, I fucking hate Emily's farts. I love her dearly. I would commit war crimes in order to secure her love. And I'd kill myself if she left me. Promise? You heard it here first, huh?

Let's hold them to it. Now all the fans are gonna make an active campaign to get us divorced. There just turns into the worst kind of group thing where it's like, make it happen.

Let's control his fate oh fuck but uh puppet master becomes the puppet oh shit speak of the she devil herself Emmy you're live on the podcast what's up

hi where are you I'm in Denver in in Len's house. You're already in Denver? Yeah, you're on the pod. Oh, where's my friend Gordy? He's with me. Did you just wake up? Yeah.

It's three in the afternoon, you lazy bitch. You're late for work at the Grease Monkey. Yeah. What, doctor? Dr. Sivago? Marlon Brando? I'm out of here. You're out of here?

I'm out of here. All right, don't drink too much pee. Okay, bye. Bye. So yeah, dude, Emily... I'm sad she won't want it.

She doesn't give a shit. She's not... Another person we edited out an entire 20-minute rip-roaring story about before this.

But yeah, I just wish that women's farts didn't smell as bad also their dumps are really bad news yeah well yeah the period dump is a real one two punch what? when they're on their period and they take a shit cause there's like

some blood in there usually not in the stool but if they pee they're on their period. That's a combination of smell. What are you talking about? Yeah, but how do you not know about this? We're in our 30s. You're talking about estrogen, but you don't know about the power of a Menzies flavored dump?

I'm not in there. I'm not tasting the rainbow. You don't have to be in the room. What are you doing? Fucking pooping in a bucket and throwing it out the window? She flushes. You never had to clean a woman's restroom for a job? No.

What about for fun? What about as a hobby? Yeah, I did win that raffle. Internship at Google. Bam, there's only a few women, but man. I love to dunk. Yeah, but man. Love to dump. Yeah, I don't know, dude. What you just described sounds bad.

It's just a lot. It's very earthy. Ugh, God. Mother earthy. The Terre Noire. Terra firma. The taste of the earth. Yeah, I don't know, dude. That just sounds like a beef bouillon. Sounds like a red wine stew, is what you just described. Yeah, yeah.'t know, dude. That just sounds like a beef bouillon. Sounds like a red wine stew, is what you just described.

Yeah, yeah, it's complex. Aromatic. Dramatic. Bold. That's right. Insightful. Sassy. Yeah.

It's like Wanda Sykes' comedy. She's got them, huh? No one's talking about this. Oh, people talk about it. Wanda's round bounds those fucking rip uh yeah my wife's working nights so i yesterday i was so alone the conico yeah she's trying to put me through flight school uh no she's working nights at the hospital, and it sucks because I'm just so lonely.

Yeah, it's got to be hard being a husband of a janitor at a hospital. She's a custodian. How many latex gloves are worth the estrangement? Yeah, the nights alone, man. That's why I was prank calling realtors. Because you had nothing better to do yeah uh that makes me think of the best name ever for it was a married couple that were realtors in las vegas dick and phyllis pofacker was their fucking name

and we my buddy jacob and i would see i think they had a couple billboards in vegas just a couple but we saw them like holy shit and then one night drunk like me and him and a couple other people drove to a house it might have been their house you and the rest of the goof around gang the gang yeah the boys terry and montel. The Garbage Pail Kids. We stole the fucking sign. And it was in a yard. So again, it was probably their yard. And the sign had been screwed into wooden posts. And so it took a while to be able to fucking break it and take it.

It was. But man, was it worth it. Dick and Phyllis Hofacker. This is perfect. Dick and Phyllis Hofacker is what their name might as well have been. Oh, thanks for... You gotta spell it out. We got a bunch of dumb fans.

Come on. We got the water heads. Thanks for connecting the dots. Well, see, Dick is like a penis. Phyllis is like Phallus. Hey, guess what? It's a penis again. And then Hofacker is, you know, German for prostitute fucker.

So there's a lot of levels. Are you tired of your realtors being half-fackers? Well, get the Hofacker with Dick and Phyllis. Fill it in. Fill her up. Yeah, that was pretty good. But what did you do with this realtor? Just waste their time? Get the hofacker with the dick and fill it. Fill it in. Fill her up. Yeah, that was pretty good. But what did you do with this realtor?

Just waste their time? Wasted about an hour and a half of her precious time at like 7.30 p.m. Oh, playing it straight. Yeah. You weren't even going for like... Well, actually, I said I'm part of a gay couple. Oh, okay. Yeah, I said... I was like, oh, that was your hook.

I said, my husband and I are looking to buy a golf course. So we're both crypto millionaires. Did she have anything in mind? No, I just called her and said that me and all my kids were looking for a townhome. And then eventually it was revealed that, like, my wife had died. You know, just, like, slowly working in all these intimate details. It was an hour and a half. And then making her feel bad and me being like, no,

actually I've never felt more free. I have a lot of guilt about the fact that she's dead, but I feel really good about it. And her being like, well, there's a loft near Old Town. She's trying to keep you on message. Yeah, exactly. I gotta make this sound. Yeah, it's like one of my kids,

it's revealed, has lupus. And like another one has like violent tendencies. It's like, do you have a house without any corners in the room? Because one of my kids gets scared. And her being like, well, I'm going to send you some options. What's your email? And my email's like, you know,

Dick and Phyllis Hofacker. Realtors are so excited to talk to you. Yeah. She's like like what's your budget And it's like well my wife died I got a big lump of money Thanks to her lump turning malignant Yeah I don't like

I used to think prank calls were great Jerky boys, crank anchors, whatever But man the older I got The more I feel bad for those people Because if they're at work they probably hate it and they have to put up with some dickheads bullshit or if they're at home and they're like old or unaware

or like I don't know like not I guess naive would be the word like it sucks to think about them having to like deal with whatever shit you just put them through oh I don't give a fuck yeah i get that but i don't have empathy i'm pure evil that is true yeah i'm the dark side of

the moon over here man you're a real she-devil i am speaking of rosanna bar i'm a bar tard uh i don't know i i what i like What I like is when a prank call is with somebody who is in on it pretty quick, but they go along with it. Because then everybody's having fun. So you like a non-prank call. No, those are some of the best crank yankers is when somebody's laughing the whole time. Those were all fake. Oh, damn it.

You didn't know this? Of all of them? Every crank yank was fake. Oh, that's so stupid. Yeah, the person on the other end of the line was always Jim Florentine. Yeah, it was David Alan Greer and Jim Florentine.

David Alan Greer did that retired football player The Truth. Those were the best ones. Crank Yankers ruled! And also some of the puppets had huge tits. So it was kind of horny too. You were jerking off while you were laughing. It's back.

More crank yankers. That's what people needed. Buy some more swords. Jimmy Kimmel hasn't dominated Hollywood for long enough with his fucking half-decent bullshit. Adam Carolla rules, too.

Alright. As a politician, as just a thinker. As a man's man. Yeah. As a carpenter. Oh, God. He's, yeah, his entire love language is bumper stickers. Yeah.

Hard stances or whatever. Straight talk or whatever the fuck. You're shooting him. Just a fucking living Ford commercial. You don't like Carolla? No, he's annoying. I do a pretty good Corolla. Okay.

Hey, it's me, Adam Corolla, here. I just got done sanding down my porch. That's a better Dr. Drew than Adam Corolla. It's time to tell the truth about Hondurans, okay? Look, they're going to hop in your truck. It doesn't matter where you are. You can get in the drive-thru at Arby's. I used to like The Morning Show, but I liked Dave Damaschek.

I liked The Interactions. Was that his name? Yeah, of course. Nailed it. Yeah. Yeah, he was funny in a group or whatever, but then he starts talking like he knows better than anybody else because, what, he read Ayn Rand? Yeah, but I mean, it's crazy that he was

the highlight of it for you Dave D'Amico he was a real wild card yeah it's like I forgot your favorite four horseman was Dean Malenko all time

yeah I don't know about that that's a whole mini episode yeah that would be for the Patreon we're talking about the four horseman

the many incant uh fuck many iterations iterations I The many incant... Fuck. Many... Iterations. Iterations. I almost said incantations.

Yeah. Conjured up an old voodoo spirit. Well, the other horseman said an incantation to bring Benoit back to life. Yeah, he didn't last long either. You know, he choked on a Bible. No, he haunts that Bopex factory. I'm doing this thing where I'll pick a scab and then my hands just covered in blood cool yeah that's not good why don't you go pet gordy yeah well what do you think his beards look like a tampon yeah gordy come over here and lick my wound

then should i just get on all fours and he licks my butthole. You pick your chronic calf that's just flaking away? Well, I went to the doctor the other day and I do have a... I have a leg issue. What is it? It's called Turner's Syndrome.

It's like my leg always wants to watch TBS. Now that's funny. No, it's fine. The doctor was like, yeah, you look good. Just, you know, in your 50s, you'll probably have to get it cut off. Really? Yeah. That's what's happening down there?

It's like a slow dying of the flesh? Yeah. Let's just say this leg's seen more sunsets than sunrises. You know? That is cryptic. You're going to donate that thing to science fiction. Well, by then, though... Think of all the cool amputation advances they'll have.

Yeah, the jokes. Here's the nub. Yeah. You know what would be funny is if you had a fake leg and where it joins at the knee, you take off your fake leg and underneath it's just a small doll leg. It's like, well, it's not actually I lost a leg.

It's just that I have like... I just washed it weird. Yeah. You have like a puppy paw sticking off of it. Or a rabbit's foot. Yeah, a rabbit's foot would be good. Yeah, you can just take it off and rub it. Have good luck.

But yeah, my fingers are covered in blood. Let's take another break, you psycho. No, it's cool. Go wash your hands. Why? So that you don't get blood all over my house. Oh yeah, I don't want to get blood on this old fucking Ron Jeremy broken in couch. They got him. It's casting.

They got my boy Ron. Yeah, it's a big surprise, right? That he was a fucking freak. Yeah, I didn't see that one coming. He could suck his own dick, but he didn't. Yeah, when he was younger, I think because he wasn't as fat. That is the key.

Yeah, neither of us are ever going to... You've tried, right? Well, I've tried to suck your dick. And I couldn't do it. You were too fat for that. Yeah, that's when you're fat. That's when somebody else can't suck your dick. I started trying, I think, after Clerks, because it's in Clerks.

I tried. Kevin can do it. It's in Clerks because Kevin can do it. Kevin Smith? No way, he. I tried. Kevin can do it. Hmm? It's in clerks because Kevin can do it. Kevin Smith? Kevin Smith. No way. He's too fat.

He can do it. No way. He's very proud of it. What? Is he a huge dick or very flexible? Very small dick according to him.

What? Come on. He's pulling your leg. But he can do it. He's cranking your yank. I don't think he is. Well, he used to be thinner and now he's thin again.

But I think... Oh, you're right. He didn't. Yeah, because Bob wasn't that fat in the first one. He was just chubby-faced. Wow. But yeah, Kevin Smith's all about... He's told the story on multiple live tapings.

Otto Felicio. Yeah. He's like, and then I did it. I always thought Otto Felicio was just another word for roadhead. Yeah, you would think. Yeah, but no. Megan's pretty sure that a few days ago when we were driving down to Trinidad, Colorado, we passed somebody getting

roadhead, but I didn't look because I was going down on her while I was driving. Which is a much tougher thing to do. Take the wheel! Yeah, the death wish. That's what they call that. Drive over the death wish. That's what they call that. Drive over the speed hump. You ever gone down on a woman while she's driving?

No. I've tried. It's not good. Not the same. It's tricky. It's real tough because they've got to pop their leg up. You have to go around the back. No, I haven't.

So you tried to suck your own dick after clips? I've tried yeah I could not even come close I remember the first time I tried to suck my dick September 12, 2001

I was like it's a new world there's new rules the grieving is over time to heal yeah I'm laughing like a fucking cartoon dog you sound like a tumbleweed

rolling through a graveyard man damn yeah that's pretty good thanks man time to honor the fallen this is how we bounce back honor the fallen by mouthing the ballins this is the new normal

yeah I remember this is the patriot act that I support what was the mayor of New York, Rudy? I wanted to say Rudy Tomjanovich. Rockets head coach? 94-95, baby. I remember when Rudy

Tomjanovich hosted SNL and he was like, it's time to laugh again. And I tried to S my own Suck my own Goop. Suck my own Goop-ta. Damn. How old were you September 12th, 2001?

Four years old. You're a little kid. I was born in 97, yeah. I was actually born on September 11, 2001. No one talks about it. Your second day out of the womb, you're like, time to experiment with this thing they call a body. Dude, it's never easier to suck your own dick than when you're a baby. Yeah, because you have the priest helping you.

This is how you do it. Yeah, I mean, shit. A baby, you can fucking fold them up origami style that's right yeah you can just make they're pretty much like you're trying to shut a hoagie that has too much filling in it you know i mean i've this i'm just thinking about someone actually like taking their newborn and trying to get them to... Kiss their own toe. Kiss their ring. Is what you would say if somebody caught you trying to do it.

He's trying to kiss his own toe. He's got his foot in his mouth. He's made a friend. I was a sophomore in college September 11, 2001. Jesus Christ, I was in fourth grade. Yeah, we're two different ages. Yeah. This is May, December.

We were both senior class president and student council. No, I think I was in ninth grade when it happened. I think I was in Mr. McGee's class. I can't remember. I can't remember. Mr. McGee's class, I was sitting next to my buddy Vincent Villavicencio. And they told us the news, and I was cracking all types of great jokes. I remember they were like,

yeah, plane crash into the Pentagon. I was like, they're going to have to change the name. So what, the quad? Because they took out a wall of the Pentagon. And Vince was a Catholic kid and he was like, ew, this is bad, man. And then... I'm going to hell.

Oh no, man. This is a sin against the God. This is not okay. Not a time to laugh. Not a time to hell. Oh no, man. This is a sin against the gods. This is not okay. Not a time to laugh. But a time to cry. A pasta sauce come out of the tear ducts. I can bend my thumbs back. So I'd be like, you know, Twin Towers before, after.

That was a big hit. I didn't know that you had political humor in your history. Yeah, in my joint. Yeah, I'm real Dennis Miller. had political humor in your history. Yeah, in my joint. Yeah, I'm real Dennis Miller. Such biting social commentary.

I bite back. Comics, including you, used to say that I was a fucking riff comic or whatever. No, rant comic. And I hated that because the only rant comic is Dennis Miller. Yeah. And I didn't want to be associated with him. No, but he was all...

He got into that. I don't want to go on a rant here, but... Slopin' on Milosevic. Vlade Divac. Take it to the hole. The killing hole. Yeah, just... They should have called him the just the reference comedian because they just say a bunch of different yeah nouns and different years it's like that reminds

me of the time when ceausescu marched on yugoslavia and everyone's like hooray he's so brave he's great republicans can be funny too yeah we get it oh you know what speaking of pranking people I used to I used to prank in college this is post September 11th

I would I got I hated Red Eye with Greg Gutfeld so much I'm glad you're saying it was post

because I thought you were about to say you would prank all the mosque like oh yeah we'd hit them up stir in the pot of baba Ghani

of Birani no I hated Red Eye because it was on Fox and it was supposed to be funny

like the Daily Show but conservatives or whatever and it was awful and so I used to email the show and pretend to be a big fan

and go off you know say how much I liked the biting political commentary. And then I would reveal that like ever since my terrible traumatic head injury, I just can't get enough of your wit. And they never responded.

I always thought I would be able to get something out of them, but it never, they never responded to me. Yeah. On air or off. That prank sucks because it was through email. It was good. If you were live on the air. They didn't take calls. If it was like you and Richard Belzer.

You know? Yeah, I love your stuff ever since I swallowed all that bleach. Now my tongue hangs out of my mouth like an old dog. No, it was good. I got them. Somebody had to read them. Hopefully they liked it because they also

did not like the show they you know they're just some intern yeah from NYU hating life yeah some Cornell you know half brain

struggling I never watched Red Eye but I'm not a complete idiot like you I like that you were like I hated the show and I'd watch it every night

write up emails I hate watching it and I'd write him emails. I hate watching it and I'd pranked him. Yeah, it's like when I watched the Globetrotters. It's like, let the senators win. No, your love of the Globetrotters is sincere. It's sincere and it's deep. I would've

weren't we gonna go? It must have been in like April, right? They were gonna be in Denver and we were gonna go. But then everything. Then the world fell apart. Got canceled. I'm pretty sure that this flu was unleashed on America from that lab just to keep the Globetrotters from reaching their thousands, thousands win.

I did not believe you at first when you said that it was such a good time. You never believed me. And also you're, you love wrestling though. I do. You're going to go watch a fake basketball game? Rey Mysterio is going to take his mask off tonight. I'm 42. Solid love depression.

Hey, I'm one. I just thought, how much could you do with a stage basketball game? But apparently a lot. Yeah, how much can't you do? I don't know. You're the one that goes. Yeah, I go. I didn't get to go.

It's great. I go and I'll be sitting there next to some Make-A-Wish kid and I'll pull him out of his wheelchair and spin him on my finger like a basketball. Everybody's just getting in on the chaos. Yeah, exactly. Everyone brings their own bucket to be why it would be a fair but you just have your own confetti you know we're all ripping up the book of mormon throwing it in the bucket splashing it on granddad yeah yeah fucking globetrotters are the best dude just a lot of fun good clean fun obviously, like wholesome but not simplistic because you liked it

you appreciated it. It's nuanced man. There's a lot to it. Yeah, I wouldn't have imagined that where it's like, oh yeah the opposing defenders pants came down. Okay, there's 46 minutes left in this fucking game. I'm sick of seeing all these layups.

They let the clock run. Okay. That's something. Well, actually, what they do... They're only out there for a half hour. Yeah, well, they hit all their gags, and then once they've done all the gags for that quarter, then the five-minute clock starts.

So, like, it'll start off, and it's like, you know, 15 minutes to go in this quarter, and the Globetrotters are about to, you know, complete their wacky reign of terror over these. Well, now it's the World All-Stars. It used to be the Washington Generals. Right, yeah. But, yeah, and then once they hit all their gags.

Yeah, exactly. It used to be pretty staunch social commentary when they took on the Stars and Bars from Virginia. Robert E. Lee from downtown. Yeah. He's heating up. All these long beards. General Burnside. Yeah, Ambrose Burnside's with the reverse layup.

General's down 43. Oh, man. We should all go. We're never going to be able to see anything live again. Did you know that? Everything's already happened. Oh, I don't know, man. These comorbidity numbers got me fired up.

Oh, yeah. You're QAnon all of a sudden. You asked me why I shared something that said how that's misleading to say that only people with comorbidities are succumbing to COVID. And you're like, yeah, but what about the fact that they're all over 90 or whatever the hell you said? Yeah, 90% of them were geriatrics. That's what you said. Yeah. The G word. The ageist G word. Yeah, no one's talking about grandpa and grandma

getting sick and going down. What were you even saying? That you think that it is true? I don't think. The CDC said that 90% of these deaths that were also through comorb true that i don't think the cdc said that 90 of these deaths that were also through comorbidities occurred in people in the geriatric population like all these deaths are going down in you guessed it retirement homes old folks flop houses all right and there's only been a handful of random people that are outside of that that have died six percent of people went and got tested. They find out they have COVID, then they were hit by a bus.

Is that right? Yeah, so it's like no one's actually died of COVID. I guess if you follow the money, then you're able to arrive at these bold points. You refuse to live in fear. I get it. Yeah, man, I'm not going to let them win. Fuck fear. Hold my beer. Yeah, dude. I'm going gonna let them win. Fuck fear. Hold my beer. Yeah, dude. I'm gonna

suck my own dick to this. Just like September 12th, 2001. I'm feeling this. I'm sucking my own hard dick. No, I don't know, dude. I just think that it is weird that the CDC kind of slipped that one in there as soon as this Kenosha thing happened.

You know? Oh. Yeah, I don'tha thing happened. You know? Oh. Yeah, I don't know. You don't know. Is everything related? You're a boot licker. You want to toe the company line. If the boot has flowers painted on it

and the peace signs, I'm going to lick it. Well, the boot's science and you've got it all the way up your ass. I'm listening to the people, man. I'm a populist. A lot of good people have some good ideas. You lost the popular vote, though.

I did. States. The electoral college was on your side. Who are you voting for in November? I don't know. I don't know who I'm going to vote for. I'm so excited to vote for Joe Biden. He's going to really steer this ship off the rocky waters Yeah it sucks

I wish that Well this is funny Shut up It's been four seconds You're like oh see I was right I'm the best I'm voting for He's funny

What was I saying Oh I wish that the I'm voting for... He's funny. What was I saying? Oh, I wish that the timing would have been just slightly different, where the coronavirus thing would have started before Bernie Sanders was losing to Biden. Because I feel like people could have gotten scared and been like oh shit, maybe we should go with Bernie. No, dude, the DNC was going to sink Bernie no matter what. What, fucking, you know, CIA

Pete doesn't take it as they thought it was and then fucking those batshit broads that were trying to run against Bernie, you know, shat out their yoni eggs and everyone was like, well, pass. No, they would have fucking taken it from Bernie no matter what. Everything's corrupt's corrupt everything's ruined time to buy salt and bullets i feel like there would have been more people that realized that we were entering a very different uh future because

of coronavirus and we might some people might have been more willing to take a chance on bernie instead of doing... Because a lot of people that didn't vote Bernie were saying shit like, oh, he's too drastic. We need to take, you know... Change takes time. And these are all annoying people. But there were a lot of them.

And so I feel like if they would have had the opportunity to vote for whoever and the shit was hitting the fan with this you know pandemic then i think that there would have been a better chance that some people would have been like all right yeah we do need more help we need you know no people were fucking afraid and the last thing they want when they're afraid is to take a drastic chance of voting for Bernie. It could have been that way. And also, dude, people we hang out with wanted to vote for Bernie. You know who we don't hang out with? 95% of the voting population.

Yeah. Bernie had no shot because they cooked the books on him. They didn't want a Jew up in that house. All right? They didn't want a woman up in that house. So who are we going to get up in that house? Get the oldest, whitest of men. Yeah, your hero, Joe Biden.

Joey Joe Joe Biden? Yeah. Man, he sucks. That's why we got to get that other kid in there. Andrew Yang. That's right. Andrew Yang, yes. He's not a kid.

That's a little bit racist. You get a Yang. Not all Asians are 10 years old, despite what your grandpa told you. Well, they either look 10 or they look 100. There's no middle ground. Asians hit that wall where they go from 35 to 78. It's crazy. Which wall?

The Great Wall. Man, well, how about this? The shit starts at the fan and people are like, we need Yang. Because Yang's like, give everybody money. Who cares? Yang has zero political background. People were into Mayor Pete.

A guy who runs a... Mayor Pete got like 6,000 votes. Yeah, people were all fired up about him. Like, hey, look at this guy who talks in educated bumper stickers. Yeah, dude. The system's fucking beat down. The only answer is blood in the streets, alright? Everyone out there, if you're listening, make a pipe bomb,

send it to the statehouse in whatever state you live in. Oh, good. Now we have the CIA listening. I can't believe that there's so many... This is what's been annoying to me, is there's so many...

so many hypocrisies from a lot of conservative or right-wing people and i think it's because they are more they're more about like compartmentalizing so everything is its own argument and everything is just about like coming out on top like you know like besting the opposition or whatever so it's all a matter of like saying whatever you need to to like appear to have won a confrontation online or a fucking like even in person like at a debate there's just these little lines these bumper stickers that they fucking throw at you and then they think that they won and that's that this is where we end up which is where people who think that we should respect the law and then you won't get in trouble, that then you won't get shot by cops or whatever, also think that you should take a gun to the streets and kill and shoot people.

Yeah. That he shot in self-defense even though he and his buddies with guns were aggressive and he shot someone and then they attacked him. Well, yeah, but the New York Times did do that. Like, you know, they followed all the streaming footage that was available of that kid and followed it throughout. And it's like, no one knows what happened. Alright? But here's the thing. If I didn't know this kid shot a bunch of people

up there, I'd be better off. The news is stupid. That's what we should be all about. Learning anything that's going on is bad. Alright? I'm a secessionist. I'm tapping out of known stuff. Known stuff hasn't helped me at all. That's privilege.

Yeah, I'm privileged. You got blonde privilege now. I'm fucking blonde, dude, and I'm having more fun. Because I'm dumb as hell. Yeah, and you are gonna take it. Every day. Yeah, and you are going to take it every day. Yeah. Up the butt.

Oh, now we're doing butt stuff jokes? I'm trying to have a sincere conversation with a political pundit. A political London. Everyone trying to be smart is fucking stupid. Up is down, down is right. Right is white. White is bad. Alright? Up is down, down is right, right is white, white

is bad. Alright? Yeah, I guess that all can be said. I don't know, man. I don't know. We gotta let the fucking freedom tree grow, brother. I'm Thomas Jefferson. I'm 1776. I'm going all

the way back. I'm 1650. I'm on the the way back. I'm 1650. I'm on the boat. 1620. Yeah. 1620 vision, brother. That's what I got. Damn, that was 400 years ago.

Allegedly. Oh yeah, I forgot. That because, in your mind, the Earth is flat, time is all fucked up. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that all those like boats, all the boats they found that allegedly brought people here were hidden by the devil. Alright, I'm a fundamentalist historian. Well that's another award winning episode of Chubby Behemoth, guys. And look, we definitely had to chop this one up together, you know.

We chopped and screwed it we're selling it out of the back of our trunks like scarface uh and hey if you're want to hear the whole unedited episode don't worry we'll cap it in the patreon eventually when we have that going but as of now you dirty little fucking pigs please like and subscribe to this thing on itunes on daily storm or wherever you get it, okay? Just fucking, please, we need your help. We're trying to take over the world. We're trying to create a safe space for people to goof around and have fun.

We want a very politically correct podcast where you can still say it. Please, Chubby Chasers, join the Chubby Chaser army. Like, follow, subscribe Get the word out, tell your friends to listen Tell your friends, but you don't tell your friends Look, I got the fucking dirt on every one of you, alright? Yeah, we know who's tried to suck their own dick