Chubby Behemoth - Did You Say Fat Time?

Episode Date: October 21, 2024

SPONSORS: Tushy: Support the show and get 10% off your 1st HelloTUSHY bidet order. Use code CHUBBY at https://www.hellotushy.com   Turtle Beach: Support the show and get 10% off your entire Turtle Beach order. Use code CHUBBY at https://www.turtlebeach.com   BONUS EPISODES: https://www.Patreon.com/chubbybehemoth   This week the boys stayed in a prank hotel, went to Chris’s wedding, and are coming to you from a bed. Nathan bonds with an Uber driver, feels like he is back with his younger self, and has landed on a new scent. Sam thinks they died on the drive, ran Operation: Gross Out on some hot tubbers, and blew it with the gum. Executive Cut guy was Hitcocking it with a rattail.   Nathan Lund and Sam Tallent are Chubby Behemoth   Mutiny Coffee: [e-mail]

Video. Check, check. Audio is engaged. Check, check. Check, check, check. My high school sweetheart is engaged. Check. I have COVID. Check. I have COVID and I know how to use it. I am ill. I think. At the playground. For real. Check. You're sick. I just got sick. All right, well, that's good. Oh, good. Lay in bed with me. Lay as my wife sleeps.

My wife's in the tub, getting off again. Just because I'm watching the video doesn't mean I wanna see you guys. It's kind of what a lot of the complaints are. Why am I looking at how fat you are? Because you're electing to watch the video? A lot of people don't understand that there's a golden ratio of a quarter and then 75% empty space. Well, you have to see how fancy our room is. How can you be jealous of us? Or else how can I write it off? Yeah, we are staying at a very nice resort here

because I didn't want to be away from you guys. We were at the wedding weekend at the Red Lion, which maybe is a prank hotel. They dick around until you get mad and then you like win a shirt or something. They're like, yeah, you need a new key card every eight hours and you can use the hot tub or the pool. That's fine, but we don't have any towels. Yeah, and you're never getting any towels either. Even if you ask the guy, hey, can you bring some towels? Guess what?

He doesn't work there. He's a camera guy in between pranks. When I called, I called the front desk and asked, can we have a couple more towels? The guy goes, oh yeah, sure. I called the front desk and asked, hey, can we have a couple more towels? The guy goes, oh yeah, sure. So you want me to like bring them to you? And I was like, oh, are they? Like I felt bad and it's like,

yeah, I thought the hotel would bring me towels, but apparently it's BYOT, buy your own towel from the vending machine. He asked, do you want me to bring them to you? Yeah, and I was like, are they at the front desk? And he said, yes. And I said, okay, then I will grab them later. We're not paying for the privilege

of staying in your rat trap hotel. I figured maybe somebody could run me up a couple towels. I got COVID. Because I used one to wipe, who cares? So that was you? What? You blamed me. You took a shower in my room

because we got adjoining rooms. You took a shower in mine and then you said, whoa, what? Did the butt-stainer, did the towel-stainer come over and bring an extra butt? No. Because you wiped with a towel and then you threw it in there

and you blamed it on me. No, there was a wash rag in your shower that looked like it had been used either after you shaved, oh that's what it was, you probably shaved and then wiped with a little hand towel and that's fine. I had a super dirty can all open there, I was trying to shine it up before my wife got there so I could put it in my bed

and she would think it was my head so I could sneak off and play grab ass with you guys. Well, I don't know if Emily is deserving of sainthood in the eyes of the Catholic Church. But in my eyes she does she is she already is a saint because she agreed to you bringing me and Bobby along on your romantic couple of nights. Well, one day, one night at this very nice spa.

I wasn't going to come. She'd be here by herself. Oh, what about this? Before we forget Uber driver on the way here. Jesus. I have to sit in the front. I have to sit in the front. I have to sit in the front. And real low, he has music on and I realize that Chevelle, but like a random song from Sci-Fi Crimes.

That you knew all the words to. Not a single. Not a big one. Not the two that you know. Not the one from the Punisher soundtrack. A different one. Not the one from the US Marines commercial. I said, is this Chevelle? Turn it up. And it was, and he was like, yeah, this is Chevelle radio on Pandora. No fucking way. Yeah.

He had Chevelle radio on? Yes. So he wants not just music by Chevelle, but inspired by? But the shittier versions of music that kind just music by Chevelle but inspired by but the the shittier Versions of music that kind of sounds like the coaching tree of Chevelle Wants all of that. It wants those big guitars those little drums Died on the drive. Honestly, that was I think we all might have had some kind of Aneurysm in that car ride and you got to listen to Chevelle because there's kind of heaven. The devil is a Chevelle guy

Also, uh, I just want to say that we are in the same bed And there's no one in the other bed right now who doesn't want to be on the podcast Because they're quote cold chilling on that thing end quote Definitely don't have a greasy lawyer type in the next bed. Having- It's not greasy no more. We were in the hot tub. Yeah, he's still ruining the pillowcase. I wish I could be in a robe like him, but it's a size medium robe. It's like, can I have a few of these? Or-

Yeah, you put your robe on after the pool, you took a shower, you come out, your dicking balls were out. Just flapping. They would have pool, you took a shower, you come out, your dickin' balls were out. They would have been, and I should have hit you with them. You should have, that would have been so funny. That would be the funniest way to expose yourself to allegedly two friends, legally one. We have three mics, but yet only two talk. The lawyer abstained, as they like to do. He's not a lawyer.

What is he? Cog in a machine. I think that he, Bobby's just been living in Alamoso. Shield of Justice. He's been working on small engine repair because he failed the bar. He's been HVACing it up. Oh yeah, he's down there cleaning carpets

and changing ferret cages. He's third in command at a local HVAC. They're always busy, because it's either hot or cold. And shit's always fucking up. He's not even in Alamosa. He's living on Alameda, working at Breakfast King. It's something else now. Dinner Queen?

It's a different restaurant. Gay guys only. The Dinner Queen. The Dinner Prince. Brunch bitch. Giga is only a dinner queen the dinner prince brunch bitch You have a temperature my head One is that you? No, not have a temper. You don't have a fever. Oh, you have a temperature and it's chill the fuck out

You're not sick. I think I got sick Read that This place is nuts. We are laughing, giggling way too much to fit in. Did you notice, like, no, you couldn't hear any conversations. There were people having lunch all around us. Yeah, it was a lot of knife on fork action.

Yes. Everybody's trying to- I'm sorry, am I chewing too loud? Yeah, and then Emily forgets where she is. She thinks she's still at the Red Lion. Gosh, she thought she was a Red Lobster. She belched hard. No remorse, no excuse me.

And then it was like, Jesus, Emily. She's like, oh my God, I'm sorry. She says to the manager of the hotel. Meanwhile, we're laughing about it. Who's looking right at her. Who's making notes. Yeah, dude, I mean mean we do not belong here. That's my favorite part of Fancy Things is I'm still me.

I'm still the same Sam T from the 303. The same whip driving MC. You can't take those awful tattoos off of your body just because you have to class it up with the Illuminati. That's funny that Emmy burps loud and we're like, Jesus, Em stop. And then we're laughing about eating piss you have to class it up with the Illuminati. That's funny that Emmy burps loud and we're like, Jesus, Em, stop. And then we're laughing about eating piss or whatever.

What if piss was ice and we were drinking it and chewing it? What if, yeah, what if at fancy places they only drank piss? Yeah. Just people's piss. You don't know where it's from, but sometimes it's real gross and sometimes it's less so. What if they're collecting our piss

and then making it into ice? For the staff. Sometimes that seems like the ice you're getting when you freeze random trays on the road. But next day you're like, oh, the water's piss here. Oh yeah, I didn't know that the tub water was gonna wind up in our ice trays. It's all piss.

Well, it shouldn't have pissed in there. It's been funny to room with Bobby because he has very long hair, which according to witnesses, I also had very long hair for a long time, so it's like I'm back with my old, my younger self as a roommate. But you can't believe Eyewitness reports.

And I was there. You had long freaky hair. Long curly hair. Yeah. Thick and brown. Like Dr. Barber Krillnor. There were so many times this weekend where I would just go, Bobby's a lawyer. Oh yeah, it's insane.

As he's over redacted, redacted, and she's like, stop. Jesus. What? This is the free one. We're all free. Welcome. Until Bobby gets in there.

Welcome, new and temporary fans. Welcome, short time listener. This is the number one recommended podcast on the r slash come town subreddit, everybody. According to you. According to my research and the Discord. Crazy. Oh, okay.

There's, yeah. I thought you just like clocked it. No, I give my name a search on Reddit every day. I have Google alert. I've had Google alerts for my name forever and it's always high school athletes and guess what? There's a fucking new ice hockey prospect in the Great Lakes or some shit I've gotten yeah, he's he's the new Google alert of the week. Nobody's writing about this lawn. I Would write about this land. I'd say new fad sweeps America's obese. Fat time. Run wild. Is your toddler ready for fat time?

Tummy time's over. It was funny when we went to get in the pool and I said you should ask one of the millionaires that's surrounding us here at this resort, hey, what time is it? And he says 410 and you say, did you say fat time? And then you pull your pants down as you do a cannonball. You pull your trunks down in the air and then land balls first. What about, I was going to tell Bobby in the pool,

but I wasn't positive, but there were two guys in the hot tub, we're in the pool, dicking around, giggling about, you know, what if God were real, and the devil was your only friend, and there's two guys in the hot tub, I'm clocking them, I'm like, eventually they're gonna leave, but will it be by the, you know,

before we wanna get in there? And then you decide you're gonna leave. But will it be by the, you know, before we wanna get in there? And then you decide you're gonna go over there. And I don't- Well, I don't love it because I wanna get in there, but I don't want small talk with these guys. I want them to leave. They were cool. You go over there and get in.

They work for BlackRock. They were in there. One of them was in there for 25 seconds with you, the other one maybe 50 seconds, and they're both out of there. Operation Gross Out was a huge success. It really was. It was perfect, that's what I wanted. I wanted to go over there and for them to leave and instead you did it I was hoping they would have asked me what my job was and I was gonna tell them fellas I'm not gonna beat around the bush me and those guys in the pool. We shoot pornos We're usually behind the camera usually we're in front of the camera

See that lady over there who can't move Usually we're in front of the camera. See that lady over there who can't move? Yeah. She's been paying the rent, if you know what I mean. She's cocooned herself in towels and she's sleeping with her eyes open. Yeah. She's peeled up and filled up.

Yeah. She can't get in the water because she's airtight. No, that's my wife. She's getting drilled. While we're in the hot tub. You can see that woman getting absolutely annihilated. That's my wife slash co-producer Emily Steel. Emily Steel hyphencer, Emily Steel. Ha ha ha. Emily Steel hyphen trap. Emily plastic.

Uh huh. Oh yeah, what about my new scent? It's actually a two-cent combo, because you said what scents do we do going forward? I'm going leather and mint. I think it's good, man. Wait, so you're gonna smell like a biker's breath? Bikers usually reek.

I don't know, all the bikers that I know usually smell pretty good. They smell like the open road. I'm gonna smell like a minty fresh, gay peppermint candy cane. On a hog. It's funny how one chick, if it's the three of us and one babe, and we're just like following her around,

dripping wet in our swim trunks, and we're all like pretty much different versions of the same guy, we're just different, you know, bloats of the same guy, some of us slim different, I swim like a manatee of course, one moves more like an otter with a giant tumor. Like a squid. Yeah.

We can't talk about how Bobby swims because he threatened to sue us. It's sealed. Yes. It's not sealed though. It's not his style. No. He uses, well you said manatee.

Bobby, he blew it. He blew it. We weren't supposed to say he swims like a seal. Oh, right. No. He uses, well you said manatee. He blew it. Huh? He blew it. We weren't supposed to say he swims like a seal. Oh, right. Yes. Redact it, Becker. I just wonder what people think when they see, when they see me and Emily together,

I just always assume they're like, oh, so that's the guy who founded Bitcoin. Okay. Now I see why I didn't want to give up his name. He's already a huge target. Yeah, no, but there's the three of us. Yeah, real, well, Bobby and I are gay, the four of us are married. We're keeping her safe? No, you guys are gay for sure. That's what they all think.

Two couples, we're gay. Yeah, God, what if you guys were gay? That'd be huge for the Bob. Leather and mint. It's perfect. Bobby's leather. Bobby's leather and I'm mint because of the gum. Speaking of gum, let's walk this one through. What? We didn't talk about this on the Patreon. Did I gum foul you? Jesus Christ. Thursday night at the wedding. Oh, yes. We're all chewing gum. I didn't blow it. You didn't blow it at all. I feel like this is my version of. Four lemons.

Four lemons. Oh shit, no it's not on that level. I was fucking working a job. I was doing a job too, I was networking. I was meeting people's wives at a wedding. You're the headliner of the wedding. Yeah. You cocked Sharpie at his own wedding.

No I didn't, I didn't make it all about me. You literally made it about you. If anyone was making it about them, it was you. Yeah. Yeah. I think the two of us actually nailed it, huh? I did great. I don't think you should have got dreads

before the wedding. We met a lot of the parents, they were free. I was helping that woman get better at doing them. So I think it's actually, you know, I did a service. She provided a service. Oh yeah. Yeah, we did a good job. Met the parents. You told that fucking awful joke to the judge. But other than that, it was- I told it to a lot of people last night. Okay. Well, they all loved it.

Yeah. I took Paul Sharpentier aside and I said, Hey Paul, you've given us so much, let me give you something. I hope you did not. There's two gay guys, they're in the shower. I did, I told Paul for sure. I told Paul as I was telling David Borey. You told Mr. Krapentier. I told C-note Sharpentier Papadopoulos, he loved it.

Congrats Chris and Renee. Yeah. We didn't speak, that was fun. Kathy did not like the joke too much. Oh, what about the braid, dude? Hold on. We'll get to all of that, dipshit. The gum, sorry.

I'm getting excited. Get your foot off the gas, I wanna live again for the first time in a few days. Oh yeah, you've just been begging for death the last 48 hours. Having 12 of your favorite people to coordinate with, hang out with, check in with, plus a bunch of strangers coming and going. Made you want to leave Earth. It made me want to just be dead, flying around, doing whatever I want, but like I would have

been there for sure, but nobody can see me or talk to me, scream in my face, be blackout drunk, but insist that I be their captivated witness. So many people were blackout drunk at this wedding. I asked Bobby last night, I was like, permission to treat these witnesses as hostile because they were wasted and annoying. And it's just too much. It's too much from a gentle, I'm neurodivergent. Your honor, permission to show these witnesses hostile.

One and two, the second one has chicks. Let's recess. They watch the movie. Bobby comes back, he's like, I'm too scared to pursue, your honor. The court concurs. No more scary movies after night. No, we can't talk about Bobby.

All right, come. So, Thursday night. Zack Tuscani, excuse me. Mr. Tuscani. Crap Tuscani. Crap Tongue Leather. The White Hawaiian himself, Zack Tuscani. Mahalo. Knock it off. You didn't want to be on the pod.

He's handing out gum. Now I'm not drinking, so I need something to do with my tongue besides flap it. So I take some gum. Tom Ticard, Ne Brady, takes some gum. And Mara Wiles gets in on it because it's free so she takes anything that's free. We get some big red in our heads and then we chop it up for about 20 minutes you know. Big red classic. Yeah who are you voting for? Climate change. Me too. Yeah. He does rule. Yeah he's got my vote. She is from the projects. Uh huh, yeah. He's got my vote. She is from the projects. Dude, that was funny. Were you there for that?

No. Were you there for that, Bobby? Dude, hold on. I don't mean to digress, but it's kind of our whole thing. Kind of how we do. When we catch people up, when we have more than two things to say, I don't know how people,

they must slow it down or listen to it twice because we fucking blow it. And we're always super stoned because we've been having fun and we relay several things at once. It's a fucking, it's pulp fiction. It is out of order. This whole hotel room is out of order.

So I meet Steve A.J AJ's date last night at the wedding Well, I wasn't gonna say that because it's no one's business show way to go. Never mind. God Acted he's single get out the red sharpie. I'm hanging everyone. Hey Bobby Fire up the paper shredder. Okay, let's treat this like your usual day at the office and Like you're camping, leave no trace. Yeah, so I'm talking and she's a lawyer. And she says that she works in Redacted.

Underfunded housing, that's what kind of law she does. Bobby, is this accurate? Okay, so. So allegedly she works in Canine housing. Well she says I work in public housing or the projects depending on who you ask, like laughing and I point to Emily and say

she calls them the projects. And that was awesome. So back to the gum thing. So we're chewing, we're stewing, we're brewing. I wish I would have been there for this. God, you would have fucking loved it. So Tom Ticard's wife. You've had gum, you've had Big Red, going, a few of you for like 20 minutes. And she's also a very successful NPR podcaster. Like that's her job.

Oh cool. She's really cool. Her parents are from... Her podcast is called Redacted, so that's confusing. Yeah. In the context of this episode. Not ideal. But check it out. Redacted. Yes. So I'm like, I'm talking to her and I walk up to her initially and I say, hey, so you

don't know a lot of people here, let me help you out. I'm going to give you all the gossip on these people. So I point to people, I point to Jordan Dahl. He's from Scotland. Bobby over there, he's a rock and roll lawyer. This guy over here hit his head and he's been changed ever since, but we don't tell him. So I come on real strong

and I can't tell if she really likes the bit, but then the gum comes out. I'm like, all right, this'll smooth it all over. So we're chewing, everything's going good. Gum time. So her name is Antonia. That's going to be important later on in the story. So we're chewing, about 20 minutes goes by.

I notice my gum is lacking a certain Genesee Quah flavor, as they call it in America. I'm just chewing cut. Big Red's here for a good time, not a long time. Oh yeah, it's got a time release situation. So I take out a napkin from my pocket because I've been traveling with napkins due to having COVID. And I take-

Dude of going to eight states in the last 11 days. Brother, I am burnt and I have a fever. Testing positive every day. You don't have a fever, you're fine. I do too. I have a fever of 103. So I take the napkin, I take the gum out of my mouth, my gum, I put it like this, hand out,

napkin in the palm, gum goes into the palm, and then I look at Antonia and I say, wanna get rid of that gum? She kinda gives me a... Okay, takes the gum out, puts it in the napkin. Mara, of course, she sees some other people doing something, she copies. I don't even, I don't want Mara's gum.

I'm not trying to clone Mara. So, now I have three people's pieces of gum. I fold it up, I walk to the trash can, and as I'm throwing it away, I say to myself aloud, what the fuck was that? I return to the conversation and I say, was that gum thing insane? Because what, I'm the fucking arbiter

of how long people can chew? How much flavor is enough for someone? Gum time is over. I get to decide when people are done enjoying their Big Red. It's a wedding and I'm fucking calling curfew on the gum. They probably didn't chew it hard and fast like you, so they still had flavor for days. Right, so Antonia says, you know, it was kind of weird,

but you did it with such confidence that I figured you've done it before. I was like, I've never done that before. What? What was I thinking? And Mara's like, yeah, that was weird. That was crazy, crazy move. And I can't remember who else was standing there.

I think it was Dard. Dard was like, yeah, that was fucking strange, man. So now I'm in my head, and I'm like, all right, I'm so sorry, everyone. So then I go immediately to Chris Sharpentier, who's signing his marriage certificate or whatever. I slap the pen out of his hand. I say, hey, you love when I blow it, right?

He says, you know that's right. More than anything. Hey, I got some news for you. I tell him the story. He loses it, of course. He's like, yeah, that's crazy. Please stop doing that at my wedding. So anyway, the gum thing, I tell some more people, everyone's loving it, you

know, hashtag gum court starts trending. When we're leaving, I'm walking Tom and Antonia out. And I say, hey, Tom, did Antonina tell you about the gum thing? He says, who's Antonina? And I say, your wife. And and he says you mean Antonia I'm like oh fuck so I'm over to in front of this very normal woman who's been thrown into the wolves the gum thing would have at least been a memorable way that you guys would know each other remember each other talk about it next time she's like what's your name I'm like I'm the gum guy she's like right I know but what's your name? Cud, I'm Cud, that's Guts.

We do the chew and screw pod. Or we fuck a watermelon then eat it. What's your pod all about? Yeah we do like true crime, gay. I got a crime for it. Women podcasters. I'm just kidding. You got any gum? I try and recreate the gum thing the next day.

Wait, but Bobby, I think Bobby's on team, uh, uh, swallowing every piece of gum that you chew is crazier than what you did. Isn't that right? What? Come on. It's insane. I have hardly gotten any shit for it from our lovable, adoring fan. Well you heard it guys, that was a dog whistle

call to action. Let Lun know his brain barely works. No, swallowing gum is fine. It's not fine, dude. It's like the one thing everyone learns in third grade. You don't swallow gum. No, the gay guy joke is thing everyone learns in third grade you don't swallow gum no that the gay guy joke is what everyone learns in third grade well you skipped class that day he went shoplifting for smokes and huffing gas or whatever I didn't go to school

on the outskirts of shy town like you I didn't you know have a bunch of dirty jokes it's just funny we always say that we like to hear jokes we haven't heard. Because once you hear any joke, even if it's pretty good, it doesn't really typically have the same effect. But a new one, even if it kind of sucks, it's like, at least I haven't heard it. If you don't predict the punchline, that's good. Well, but it's crazy that everybody's telling you fucking jokes and nobody has told you that one. Well, you know what? Nick DiPaolo and Joe List told me this joke at skankfest and I couldn't wait to hear more of it DiPaolo wrote it in 79 or whatever. Look. Well Bobby hasn't heard it yet. I'll tell it to him He can be the judge. You know it don't you?

The joke we've been talking about Yeah, I don't know what kind of guys they are. They're just two guys having sex He loves that he wrote that part. I tagged it. Yeah. You zhuzhed it. Yeah, I don't know if they're gay guys, but they're balls deep in each other. They're soaking wet. They're hard for each other's butts. But I'm not here to say if they're gay or not.

He already knows the joke. Oh, you do? Because he heard it when he was 10 and I was six. Yeah, he heard it in City Hall. That's the only part he zhuzh's is the very beginning. I just zhuzh the beginning. I fluff the tip and I'm the chef. The rest doesn't need it.

It's classic for a reason. It's a great joke. Two gay guys. But you're acting like you discovered fucking the moon or whatever in America. You're Columbus. Whoa, check out this cool land. Call me Amerigo Vespucci, baby.

Cause I got a whole new canal for you. Go. Sorry, I have COVID. Two fellas. Two guys. Two fellas of the night. Reaming, I don't know, they're not prostitutes, they're reaming each other's asses.

And then the doorbell rings. One of them's like, hey, I'm gonna go get the door, but while I'm gone, whatever you do, don't come. I'm gonna be pissed if you come. It'll ruin the whole vibe, man. And the other guy's like. They talk just like us. Yeah.

And the other guy's like, hey, no problem, bro. Go get that door. So the guy leaves, he goes, you know, he comes back. There's this huge load all over the wall. Just cake batter. Total paint job. Yeah, it's like someone went to bake a cake, frosted it before they put it in the oven, and then threw the plate against the wall.

Just a bunch of, I don't know, human seed, I won't say what gender. It used to be male seed, but I'm making this, I'm updating it. And I'm also using, I'm updating it. And I'm also using not a lot of the words that DePaulo said in the show. Tommy DePaulo, of course. Children's book illustrator. Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. So, uh. What did he illustrate? Tommy DePaulo? Yes. The Little Critters books.

Oh, nice. Jesus, Lon, we didn't all go to school in 33. I didn't have a victory garden in my backyard when I was learning how to cipher. We also didn't call it ciphering. So there's just a big batch of goo. You know what, I'll go ahead and say it. It's come.

It's come. It's all over the wall. The guy says, I told you not to come while I was gone. The other guy says, I didn't. I farted. You still love it. It's a great joke. I was at a bad joke.

And yeah, I told it, I told it to Chris Sharpen Tears, mom and dad. Luckily they couldn't hear it because you're six, five and their little thumbelina. I had so many great jokes written for the toast. And we didn't get to do a toast. And I wondered if it was gonna be, if we do do it, how do the short jokes go over? The truth was, if it was a good joke, it got a laugh.

If it was just, hey, look, their smallest L did not fly. That's you guys. I heard Chris and Sharpey talking earlier. They were talking about Endor and how they were going to get back there. Because they're Ewoks people. Hey, keep up. Here's some of the jokes that I had. I was gonna say Chris and Renee, you know, I know you guys are married. I was lucky enough to go to the ceremony. Thank you for inviting me. I've heard of small weddings, but that was ridiculous. You know, Chris and Renee, I'm sorry, I don't want to give it away, but we did get you the La Croisette crock pot, or as you guys call it, a hot tub.

Yeah, that might have done alright. Wait for applause. I remember the first time I met Chris, I said, God, why is that guy so far away if I can hear him? Nope. Not force perspective, people. He's little. That was one. He's little. He's little. I said that one.

And then I pivoted because I got so high. I was smoking weed. I was blasting people's blunts and vapes and eating edibles. You went for the psycho. I went for the psycho. I was so, I was like, look, I'm not going to drink at this thing. I might as well become a problem otherwise. So I got really high and then during toasts.

It's gum time. Oh yeah. Time for another gum collab. Time for more gum stuff. So I get really high and then when it's time to do the speeches, when the speeches start I'm like, fuck, what am I going to do? Troy Walker, Steve A.J., they got my back. And they say that I should talk about the elephant in the room.

Hmm. Now Bobby, let me know if this gets into the realm of slander. But there was a fucking fatso there. Jeez! I mean for this guy... You're on your relevancy. Look, it was fat time around the clock. This guy was Blobbo Gorpman. You're on your relevancy. Look, it was fat time around the clock, all right? This guy was, he was Blob O'Gorpeman.

No, he was built exactly like you. The same height and weight as you. Brick shithouse. Yeah, shit brick house. Shit shithouse. Shit a brick house. Yeah. An outdoor toilet made of shit.

I'm talking to Steve. Talking to AJ and his date and that's all she is to him. Just some girl. And this dude comes boom ba boom ba boom ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba So from up front it's already like. From the front it's already like, game on.

All right, the sideshow's started. And again, Bobby stopped me. Yeah, you're like, please don't disappear for the rest of the night. Please be somewhere where I can keep an eye on you. Dude, this fucking CEO, he is executive cut. He comes plopping through the room. And his head is completely square.

Otherwise, it's like someone smushed the kingpin. He also has his hand on his belly. He's walking, you know, like he's trying to keep it in. Did Hitchcock do that? Yes, he was Hitchcocking it. Hello. I don't know, he said, good evening. So we're already, you want to hear my dad's impression of Hitchcock in Paris, please wah

My dad does that joke all the time and it's never been good And I literally that's a Dave T. If you ever see Dave T on the streets hit him with a hey Dave Can I tell you my impression of Hitchcock? Wah, he'll go Why don't you come over to my house and stay a while? I need someone to give me a bath. So just Plop City USA, I mean Plop City International shows up and he's blobbing through.

God, what? I mean I don't even know if he was walking. I think he was bouncing around. He was pinball style. So me and Steve clock him it's like right on, alright cool, that'll fill some time later. Then he walks by and attached to the back of his skull is the craziest most fucked up rat tail I've ever seen in my life. I mean Sharpie could have swung from this thing man. No one saw it coming. The gift that kept on giving. And when he walked by. If he would have had

a funny voice we would have had to bring him here. Weddings cancelled. No we would have had a funny voice, we would have had to bring him here. No, we would have brought him here. And we would have had him, we would have been here for a week. Oh my God, dude. So he walks by and me and Steve see it and our heads turn like we're like ZZ Top, you know? Our heads turn and then we both look at each other and we just both, we cheers. We were like, me and AJ, cheers.

And then that guy sits down at the table right in front of ours and I run around the room, like, you know, I told everyone, I was like, have you seen the rat tail? And people would be like, what do you mean? I'd be like, all right, look over Bori's shoulder right there. And they'd go, oh my God!

To a man, he rocked everyone's fucking shocks with that swinging lifestyle of his. Literally swinging. I don't even know if it's a rat tail, if it's- It's a lifestyle. If it's longer than a rat and its tail. He's been growing this thing for 10 years. It's a braid.

It's a braidy bunch. So me and Borey, of course, we love freaks. We're obsessed with it. We started writing a whole lifestyle for him. You know, we started writing his backstory. Yeah. David said something about, like, you know, we started writing his back story. Back story. Yeah. David said something about like, you know, if only we could see... I said something and he's like, he doesn't see the world like us.

He got me going. He sees it like the Matrix. I mean, Bobby, am I outside of my legal verbiage here to say this was the most wild rat tail anyone's ever seen. I mean unequivocally in the history of head accessories this thing's up there with like the invention of the crown. It was legally bonkers. Yes. I think that the statute of rat versus tail shows that this thing was messed up beyond the fold. So we're laughing and then Chris comes out for his first dance with Renee. People get their phones out.

David Borey is literally sitting at six o'clock on this thing. David Borey, my oldest friend in Freak Assessment. While the dance is still going on, I get a text from Bori. He turns around and says, check your phone. I open it. There's a photograph from David Bori. I open it. It's the back of the man's head in portrait mode. It looks like Gus Van Zandt lit this thing. It's elephant for the elephant man. It's beautiful. I start laughing, of course.

I don't tell anyone I have it. And then I set my lock screen photo. I set the wallpaper. It's the rat tail. And then I keep asking people if they've seen this on my phone, I gotta open it, melting people's minds. This is the bit of the summer. Where did it go, past halfway down his back?

Let's say when he's sitting in a chair, the chair, it was past where the seat of the chair was. Right. And he flipped it over the back of the chair too, because you can't sit on that oh he could sit on it yeah and just rip out your potsy sit on it i mean bobby have you in your years of legal assessment ever seen a crazier rat tail okay well you heard it here he can't lie he swore an oath so yeah we never got to talk to the tail man,

because he was busy getting cup after cup of green tea. And he would walk by and me and Borey would go to be like, hey man, okay. Oh yeah, you tried to get him. We tried to get him. To see if he talked funny. Hi, I'm Epiglottis Malone. I am Hippo Reynolds.

Did you get that thing I said shit? I'm Harveyppo Reynolds. You get that thing I sent you? Harvey Birdman Bobby what do you got? You want to get involved? Let him talk. Oh that guy definitely owns some reptiles Under on snakes or Over, under, on snakes or bearded dragons. He lets them sleep in the bed with him. It's gotta be five. He's definitely rolled over and crushed an iguana before. And so I'm like, I immediately go to Chris.

I like bum rush him, I interrupt his speech. Chris, who's the rat tail guy? And he's like, what? I'm like, fat guy, rat tail. He's like, I know who you're talking about. So I make him do a lab Chris says holy shit of course because his brain works Oh my god Yeah, because light is reflecting off the rat tail I mean it was it was shining dude it was like I mean this guy probably does rat tail videos to afford all the main and

Tail because it was a really nice tail. It was well maintained. But you also because it's so long and because it was braided is it a rat tail or is it a braid? It's just straight up braid. I'm not a fucking lawyer. Or is it rat tail because the rest of his hair was very short and he was definitely growing a concentrated tail much like a rat? I don't know. I mean dude if your head is it's he had just a classic ten and two was definitely growing a concentrated tail, much like a rat. I don't know. I mean, dude, if your head is, he had just a classic 10 and two haircut, you can set your watch to it.

But then, the freakiest nightclub in town. 12 angry men, but it's them arguing over whether it's a rat tail or not. Bobby, can you get us access to the courthouse? We need to get in a jury room and shoot this thing. We also gotta fly him in first class. Rat tail airlines. He gets it caught in the propeller. What propeller?

What propeller? The propeller beanie we make him wear in the sketch. Charles Wright? Wilbur Wright? Wilbur, won't they? He deserves to be chronicled. Why doesn't he have an award winning podcast? Well... Antonia should have asked to interview the tail.

Oh shit. She would do it right because she wouldn't be giggling all the time and calling him fat. She would be very calm and not judgmental. She would let the listener decide, is it a rattail or not? I also would not call him fat to his face Just on this podcast the tens of thousands of people here. It's fine. Yeah, it's not a big deal So who literally cares? Yeah, what did you say about Emily what? I think it was about her being Mean or something and you're like, she's like, I'm not mean to you. And you're like at my mom's funeral, I put a rose on her grave

and you farted and said, who cares? Like you weren't even fighting. You just hit her with that for no real reason. No, it was earlier today when I farted and it reeked really bad and she was like, oh my God, stop. Oh yeah, it was really bad. This is crazier than the tail.

Yeah, and it reeked really bad and she was like, you can't do that and I was like, you fart all the fucking time. Right. And I said, yeah, I was throwing a rose on my mom's casket and she ripped one and it reeked and she said, who cares? Yeah, she's a menace. Oh, how about-

She's icing her pussy. How about the- No. No. Build up and filled up. What about the woman at the ceremony? We're in the front yard, little driveway in these beautiful trees in this little front yard and

We're all near each other, but we're outside birds are chirping so you can't hear Renee very well Not at all. Yeah, you really couldn't you know it's like That's right. She sounds like she's in Willow. Yeah, Sharpie's weeping. Waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah, waaah. He's wearing a green leprechaun suit. Doing a, all of his buckles are making a lot of noise so you can't hear Renee. I kept blinking and he would disappear.

This woman, an aunt or something, Renee's great aunt or whatever, is like, I can't hear shit. I didn't hear that. Oh, me and Bobby laughed about it. What? Yeah, she, at first she, like as soon as they come out, whatever, she's laughing when people laugh

and she's smiling, she's, oh my God, he's such a doll. Oh, I heard that. Yeah, she's talking to her niece or daughter. Just sitting five rows away. She's kind of loud about it. Yeah, and she's like, oh my God, he's so funny. And then, yeah, Renee talks for like 10 seconds, and she goes, I can't hear shit.

I didn't hear that. I would have loved it. And then it was back to, he's so funny. He's a funny guy. I was busy collecting people's gum. Yeah, you're on gum patrol. Hey, nobody wants to step on these. How about that fucking photographer, man?

Oh, yeah. God, Steve Martin, gay Steve Martin. Deacon Gray Steve Martin. At one point there was like a young woman who was pretty and he's like, in a week she'll be 16. And I said, how do you know that? Yeah. How many more exes on the calendar, huh?

Yeah, but it turned out that he's, it turned out he took her, you know, baby photographs. He's been a part of the family. Long time family friend, it was fine, but yeah. He gave them all a bath at one point, as you said. It sounded insane. I bathed every. It was fine. But yeah, he gave them all a bath at one point as you said it sounded insane I've bathed every one of these people. I know how old she is bunch. Oh and then but he completely he acted like Matthew Martella is the best man. It's just best man and maid of honor. So we're not up there

out Sarah Well, yeah, I mean, none of these people are gonna ever talk to us again, but yeah. Sarah does. The parlance of our times. I told her. Had them to a holy shit degree. Bobby, you think that's slander? Not if it's true.

Yeah, you're abstaining your undies. Am I still, am still being picked up still? Can you still hear me on the recorder? I would hope so. What'd you do? Gotcha. You blew it out. I made you look. It's not working now.

Oh no. Come on, this is my bed. Not for long. Yeah, you can sleep here, and I'll go sleep on the couch while Emily, hopefully, defills. Ew. I didn't like it either. God, that's my wife.

That's your doctor. That's Bobby's crush. What was I saying, dammit? Oh, who fucking knows with you? Oh, at the wedding. Oh, Martella tries to tell the photographer hey Chris, you know We need to get pictures of Chris with the his three friends in the fine gentlemen's club and he's like what?

He's like this they were called the fine gentlemen's club. They did comedy together And it's these three guys and Chris and he's like We're running late and it's like hey guys and Chris and he's like we're running late and it's like hey dickhead instead of getting all the great ants yeah maybe get the groom with his three other closest friends like two three and four whatever if you can stop mincing for a minute yeah you could stop telling Renee that she's working it over time. Yeah, too much boobs. Gross.

He said that at one point. Yes, he did. He really did. He said, put them away. Sharpie, give me more cheek. Rump-a-dump-dump. Ew. I can see her vagina.

We almost didn't get pictures because he was acting like we were just some schlubs. Yeah, just a bunch of turds in a big bowl. You had jizz on your pants. It wasn't mine. You had crusty jizz and you weren't going to take care of it. I did not have crusty jizz on your pants. It wasn't mine. You had crusty jizz, and you weren't going to take care of it. I did not have crusty jizz. What did you have? It wasn't crusty jizz.

It's fresh. No. No, I don't know. I think I had a glazed donut or something. Let's just say it looked like jizz, and no one helped me until it was too late. I already shaking hands with both the mothers of invention. Terry Berzio was there.

We're lucky that to be married in a neighborhood, a random neighborhood, so many people could have blown it. Yelled something stupid out the window. Whoa, those kids are getting married. Where's the rest of the bride and groom? Are they kneeling? Dorf gets married. No, just people yelling stuff, a car alarm, a dog barking the whole time, a woman who

can't stop vocalizing her inner monologue. I'm a little warm. Renee looks beautiful. Coo coo ca-choo. Hopefully there's a crazy rat tail tonight. I'm getting my hopes up for some crazy haircuts. I mean even the photographer would have been turned off by this guy. And we went over to meet the photographer.

He's like, so you're comedians? Well life's a cabaret. And then I think we're like, well Bobby's a lawyer. And he's like, oh, justice is blind. And he tells us a story about a lawyer he knew at one point who used to get guys off. Oh wait, that was him. What was the story? A funny lawyer friend of his argued, oh, he argued a case, defended a guy who was high

on meth and drunk driving a big like semi truck. He was from Alabama. From Alabama and he put the Alabama education system on trial he said this is the problem this man had no choice but to become blasted on meth and malt liquor driving an 18-wheeler the judge was like blowing a point one eight yeah the judge was like blowing a.18. Yeah, the judge was like, you are too much. Your point too much. And you said, well, I would have argued that the meth and the alcohol canceled

each other out. And the guy was like, I can see who the opener is. Shut up. Well, look, I'm just saying that this impression I'm doing, we have a lawyer in the room because we've been getting close to the edge. This is an accurate impression. No, I guess it is legally fucked. this impression I'm doing, we have a lawyer in the room because we've been getting close to the edge. This is an accurate impression. No, I'd say it's legally fucked. No it's not!

You've made him sound completely gay and he just was a little bit like fanciful. What? You cranked, dude. No, he cranked it to 11 and a half inches. He cranked it to 11 and a half inches. He cranked it to 11 and a half when we left. Oh, I didn't know we were serving cake. Where can we see you?

Wait, are we at time? We have ads. Get the ads out, ploppo. You can see me. Let's see. Oh, fucking helium, Philadelphia, first weekend of November. Me too. Please come out to that. Lund will be there.

He's not canceling because he got a better off. I'm in Philadelphia and San Diego. Yes. So we're doing Philly and then we're doing San Diego and then Key West. I'm doing some dates down there with Joe List for filming Wide World. Tampa Bay, Side Splitters. Come on out. That's the end. That's that's in November before I'm at Denver for Comedy Works Thanksgiving weekend Come out to that

Dallas is coming up Milwaukee that big fucking Milwaukee improv that we are not gonna fill come out to that cavernous couple seats Yeah, hey, if you know the rat tail guy, get him out there. Also, I asked Sharpie, I was like, so what's his deal? So Renee answers the question about what the rat tail guy is and he tells me, oh, it's just one of the cousin's boyfriends, so we've never met him before. So I show Chris my screensaver later on of the rat tail

guy's head and then I show Renee and she's not stoked on it and then Chris is like, he tells me today that that was One of the cousins brothers, so it was a cousin of Renee And I've just got his the back of his head on the back of my phone god damn it chubby behemoth on patreon Patreon.com slash chubby behemoth. That's where all the action is you can see us melting into beds I am gonna fart again, and I know this one's gonna be real bad. Oh, well. I would say this is perfect because when you wanna

clean your butt, and I think you should, toilet paper just doesn't do the trick and baby wipes are for babies. You can't eat baby wipes. Toilet paper you can chew on, but the wipes have soap in them. They hurt your tum. I have so many tears in my butthole, and those wipes hurt me so much.

They fuck up tummy time, for sure. Yeah. They encroach on fat time. But when you're done trying the rest, it's time to try tushy. Tushy? Well, we love tushy. Tushy's the best. I miss it more than my wife. Emmy's in there squatting over an ice-down Tushy right now. More than my dogs. I miss my Tushy bidet. The Tushy bidet lets you say goodbye to endless wiping with a

targeted spray of fresh water. Quit swiping right on your butthole and meet your lifelong match with Tushy. Bobby, you getting in on it? Bobby, you ever done a tush squish? Did you just fart? I bet Bobby's ass sucks. Allegedly. Bobby's butthole looks bad. No, I bet he takes care of business back there. Yeah, right. Dude, he's always fucking riding the pine in the courtroom and then riding the open roads

on his hog. His butt probably looks like his face. You got to keep it clean or else riding on a hog gives you road rash. Oh, yeah. On your anus. Mm-hmm. The Tushy Bidet lets you say goodbye to endless wiping with a targeted spray of fresh water.

Don't forget that the Tushy Bidet now comes in a sidecar attachment for your motorcycle. So you can dump and clean on the go. When you and the rest of the Hell's Angels gotta pull up on the Mongols to set them straight, or if you're a Mongol listening to this, the Hell's Angels, whichever one's not gonna get my ass kicked, if I can take off those chaps and let your butt be free once once you get dragged behind one or both bad boys bikes you could clean off with a tushy

bidet they're not even bad boys they're easy to install and they attach to your toilet there's no additional plumbing or electricity needed you don't need an HVAC license like Bobby over here. We need a bunch of batteries for this lawn? No, no, no. What? No. It's solar powered? No, no. Oh, it runs on deterreds. It's powered by turds. Ow. I pulled my thing from laughing. Oh, that hurts. But guess what? Tushy doesn't. It doesn't hurt anymore. You can do it as hard as you want. It won't even hurt. The water is set to your body temperature. This is true, for sure.

You can install it faster than you can take a dump. It's really like three minutes versus 15 to 19 and a half. Also, one takes a dump in an hour and a half. No, no. You can definitely. No, it's 15 to 35 minutes and I'm out of there. And then I'm back in there a little bit later to finish the job. Yeah. And then guess what?

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when you use code CHUBBY at TurtleBeach.com. That's 10% off your order at TurtleBeach.com with promo code CHUBBY. Why? Why not? Put them on your head. It feels like you're actually fishing in 1920. Yeah, it's perfect, man. Oh, now you can tell that Zelda's actually a girl. No more tricking me. Is Link a boy or a girl, God damn it?

I want a hot Link. What time is it? Are we done? We should probably get going. I'm sure Emily's pissed because she thought we were gonna have dinner at 645. I'm worried she drowned in the tub already Yeah, she could be gone. Have we hit an hour? Yeah, just barely all right well hey guys. Thank you for listening We've had a big week, and we love you shout out to Chris sharppen tear and the other the chick she's Renee Sharpen tears very stoked for both of them glad we got to be there we had so much fun and it's so cool that

they they bought that that birdhouse that they are moving into I was gonna say they flew away on a sparrow and hey join the patreon because at subscribers, Becker is going to smoke tar off of foil. We're going to blow up our lives and only worry about the pod. Bobby, is that right? Can we say that Becker is going to relapse on heroin and then make him do it when we hit the 2,000 subscribers? It's legally binding.

Yeah? Bobby, anything you want to plug? Favorite amendment Bobby. Love 13th man that lowered the age of consent. That eliminated it and made it illegal. That was a crazy 14 months. Bye.